#KellyDiels

[kellydiels]

that time I went to San Francisco to a feminist book reading (#RageBecomesHer by Soraya Chemaly) the same day as the Kavanaugh hearing

this is an excerpt from one of my Sunday Love Letters. If you’d like to subscribe, you can do that here.

*** 

This was an unusual week for me. Not only did I leave the house, I left the country! And WITHOUT CHILDREN IN TOW.

It was amazing.

It was also a bit surreal.

I went to San Francisco to see Rebecca Solnit and Soraya Chemaly in conversation at Book Passage. 

They were talking about Soraya Chemaly's new book Rage Becomes Her(aff) (it's TERRIFIC).

I interviewed Soraya five years ago for a piece I wrote in 2013 for Salon about the online harassment of women.

(It was called Women’s free speech is under attack: The threats and trolling women receive online silence them just as effectively as any censorship.)

At the time, Soraya was working in her role at Women's Media Centre advocating for the protection of women's speech and working with online platforms, trying to steer them into developing methods of preventing/reporting online abuse.

At the precise moment we talked for my piece, there were spontaneous and organized online campaigns mounting against women who dared to suggest women's faces should be on currency.

It would only get worse.

The next year, in 2014, Gamergate erupted. Zoe Quinn, Brianna Wu and Anita Sarkeesian were targets of such wide-scale, organized, deliberate abuse that they had to move out of their homes and have security when they appeared in public. The misogynist networks that coalesced to abuse them still arguably help mobilize and fuel murderous incel rage and massacres and white nationalism. It's not simply that people say unkind or critical things online, which is how the issue is sometimes deliberately misunderstood; it's that men (and primarily white men) are trying to take back spaces that they think belong to them -- starting with the internet, where they meet and build take-down skills and fortify each other in their misogyny and racism, and arguably continuing through to Charlottesville and the most recent US presidential election.

Anyway. All this is to say that's how I "met" Soraya five years ago-- around the topic of how men organize online to silence and terrorize women. Fun times!

And then at Soraya's reading on Thursday, I met Anita Sarkeesian, who was in the audience.

When I came home and told my 14 year old daughter that I met Anita Sarkeesian, she screamed. She follows Feminist Frequency and LOVES Anita, Ebony Adams, and Carolyn Petit. Meeting Anita Sarkeesian -- by accident, for all of a minute!! -- gave me so much cred in my daughters' eyes. She took the postcard Anita gave me promoting her new book and stashed it in her box o' precious things. I wish I'd had Anita sign it.

Sidenote: Anita Sarkeesian and Ebony Adams have a new book coming out next week. It's called History Vs Women (aff) and it profiles several badass feminists who've been left out of the usual history books.

I digress.

What I WANTED to tell you was that I was staying with my friend in El Cerrito and on Thursday morning, we went out for a walk. When we came back, their wife said we should really watch the hearings, because it was unbelievable the way Brett Kavanaugh conducted himself vs how Dr. Ford conducted herself. His anger, she said. His anger.

She was right. We watched the clips with growing sense of wonder, and not the good kind.

It was so stark, so obvious. It was everything we already knew about power and gender and social conditioning, happening right before our eyes. Here's a woman who has experienced incredible violation and trauma yet she's composed, accommodating, helpful, and brilliantly self-expressive. Here's a man who is accused of being a serial predator, and he's nominated for one of the most prestigious + powerful offices in the land, and he cannot keep his shit together. He's palpably angry and not handling it well. He's flinging it all over the place, simultaneously not caring who it lands on and HOPING it lands on people and hurts them and punishes them. And oh my god, the entitlement.

As my friend pointed out, the conditioning applied to feminized persons just makes for better humans.

I was watching this, as a survivor, suspecting it was all a sham. They'd have this hearing, and confirm the nomination anyways -- but they'd be able to say that due process happened! Fuckers.

So, appropriately, I was fairly outraged. And scheduled to attend a reading about feminist rage, by a feminist, with two other feminists.

PURRRRRFECT.

It was the right place, with the right people, on the right day.

A room full of outraged feminist, talking about a book about rage.

Before Rebecca Solnit and Soraya Chemaly even started talking about Soraya's new book, they opened up a discussion about the hearings. People in the audience were sharing their thoughts, reactions, insights, experiences.

I wish you were there. It was the pure feminist fortification we needed after a day like that.

It was SO AFFIRMING. It was so hopeful. (Rebecca Solnit, over and over again said, "I'm the hope lady" -- referring to her book, Hope in the Dark (aff).)

Van Jones said something on TV about the hearings: that there is a superpower in the US, and it's angry women.

I'm hoping he's right; and I'd modify that to say feminists instead of women. Not all feminists are women; and goddess knows you can't count on all women, especially not patriarchy-aligned white women (Trump-voting women, I'm looking at you. Not that any of them are likely to read this newsletter.)

After the reading, which was AMAZING -- of course Rebecca and Soraya were incredible, but it was the brilliance and solidarity in the room that refuelled me -- I went to dinner with Linda Bacon [Health at Every Size (aff), Body Respect (aff)] and Virgie Tovar [You Have the Right To Remain Fat (aff)].

I have to admit: the whole trip I was thinking, how is this my life???!! And with each conversation and connection with each brilliant person I have admired for years, that feeling only intensified.

The day, which started with despair and outrage, became non-stop feminist affirmation and galvanization. My gawd, the brilliance and joy and resourcefulness our collective contains.

And even how I was able to take this trip to San Francisco is because of feminist solidarity and their sharing of time and resources.

I was telling my sister how important Soraya's work and her new book Rage Becomes Her is to me; how I wish I could go to this event featuring two of my feminist heroes. But I just moved and the move ate all my money, there's no one to take care of my kids, blah blah blah.

My (super-feminist) sister said, "BUT I WORK FOR AN AIRLINE, KELLY."

And lo, free tickets materialized.

My mom, who regularly writes me expletive-filled texts about government officials and this hearing and recently wrote Nike a thank you note celebrating their partnership with Colin Kaepernick, said, "Grandma has got this."

And she did, in my house with my four kids, for two days.

And than MORE THAN ONE friend in the Bay Area said come stay with me!

And then dinner plans materialized.

AND I AM FUELLED UP.

We schemed, we dreamed. We affirmed and galvanized each other so we've got the energy and resources to keep moving forward, keep resisting, keep culture-making, keep inventing a future where shit like this -- from sexual assault to institutional collusion -- WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE.

I'm writing this yes, to share a little pocket of extraordinary joy from my life with you. (Seriously, this is not my ordinary routine, so it was the literal definition of extraordinary). Joy is fuel too, and contagious, and ought to be shared with abandon.

But I'm also writing to encourage you to get together with other feminists and process what happened.

Affirm each other. Fortify and strengthen each other. It really, really, REALLY helps to do this with other people, in community, rather than just in your own head.

AND THEN PLOT SOMETHING TOGETHER.

A workshop. A protest. A piece of art. An op-ed. A series of social media posts. A new feminist book club so you can help raise consciousness among friends and family. An appointment to reconvene and refuel each other each week. Some kind of collaboration, some kind of action. It doesn't have to be huge. But let's keep pushing the movement and analysis and solidarity forward.

I'm finding ways to collaborate with brilliant feminist folk. Because it's easy for groups and systems to target one person and take them down.

(Or try to. Anita Sarkeesian is still here, still working, still thriving.)

But it's awfully hard to outnumber a multitude.

Let's be so connected to each other and so powerful in our solidarity that we are impossible to silence.

Let's make a future that is fair and feminist.

We can only do that together.

Thank you to all the feminists who keep rallying around me with material and emotional support so that I can do my work and my part. I'm more committed than ever before to make sure I'm that for you, too.

[susanneeskens]

Poeh, de constante spanning tussen mij en het verhaal dat ik wil vertellen!⁠ ⁠ Het is gewoon zo dat foto van mezelf het beste bereik hebben. Maar eigenlijk heb ik veel liever dat je gewoon concentreert op het verhaal dat ik voor je heb geschreven.⁠ ⁠ Daar voel ik de ruimte om het verschil te maken. Om mijn kennis, ervaring en inzichten te delen. Om te laten zien dat we allemaal maar mensen zijn. Om je een stap vooruit te helpen. ⁠ ⁠ Maar een goed verhaal wordt niet zo beloond als een pretty picture. Of in deze tijden: een Reel! (nou, zover ben ik nog láng niet)⁠ ⁠ Het laatste wat ik wil is hier een ideaalplaatje schetsen waardoor jij het idee krijgt: ik doe dit niet zo, ik leef niet zo, ik ben niet zo perfect... DUS IK BEN NIET GOED GENOEG! ⁠ ⁠ Ik weet dat er meer ondernemers zijn die dit zo ervaren. Altijd maar weer met je eigen hoofd in beeld. Of die er - precies om deze reden - maar niet aan beginnen. ⁠ ⁠ Toch doe ik het. Om juist te laten zien dat iedereen een podium verdient. En je het altijd op je eigen manier kunt doen.⁠ ⁠ ⁠ Het werk van @kellydiels heeft hierin een groot verschil gemaakt. Ze schrijft veel over de toxische effecten van de Female Lifestyle Empowerment Brand en benadrukt waarom het belangrijk is dat je zelf ruimte gaat innemen op een manier die bij jou past (mijn woorden). ⁠ ⁠ Haar omschrijving van de verkoop van schoonheid, privilege, een perfect leven (inclusief het gebruik van je leuke baby om je [insert random product] te verkopen) etc. om mensen de indruk te geven dat 'ze niet goed genoeg zijn' en ze zo over te halen om iets van je te kopen. ⁠ Die raakte me enorm: dít is precies waar mijn weerstand zit als het gaat om zichtbaarheid via socials. Gelukkig laat ze ook zien dat het anders kan.⁠ ⁠ Het heeft mij over de streep getrokken om mezelf meer te gaan laten zien. Zoals ik ben: niets meer, niets minder. Ik word er steeds beter in.⁠ ⁠ Het is reis, maar zó bevrijdend!⁠ ⁠ ⁠ Foto: @nielsvinck⁠ ⁠ #zichtbaarheid #coaching #fleb #femalelifestyleempowermentbrand #messageiskey #ondernemerscoaching #businesswoman #realinsta #noprettypictures #luisternaarme #branding #personalbranding #womensupportingwomen⁠ ⁠ https://www.instagram.com/p/CGmBntDDPIV/?igshid=3sm2q1wasmir

[dmnsqrl]

#Repost @wildmysticwoman (@get_repost) ・・・ A complete stranger just PayPal-ed me a generous amount of money as a way of saying thank you for the emotional labor I put in to writing my open letter to spiritual white women. I'm in shock. And in tears. I did not write the letter with that expectation in mind, but I am so grateful for this unexpected gift. . And I am sharing this because this is a beautiful example of how white people can support people of colour for the emotional labor they put in when asking for free advice, resources, opinions or for us to contribute for free to your program or community to speak on race, white supremacy, social justice work, etc. If you are not aware of what I mean when I say 'emotional labor' please read this article: https://allysonang.wordpress.com/2015/12/04/bitch-better-have-my-money-emotional-labor-women-of-color/ . As I mentioned, I did not write the letter with the expectation of getting paid for it. I wrote it because I was compelled to. But I have seen plenty of examples of people of colour being asked to educate white people (who aren't their close friends) on what they can do to help dismantle white supremacy. For free. . This takes a toll. This isn't the job or responsibility of people of colour. There is Google. If you want a person of colour to sit with you and walk you through stuff, offer them something in exchange. They're taking the time away from their work, family, plans to educate you on something that isn't their responsibility. . As @kelly.diels has said in an article she wrote which I'm linking below: "I, as a woman, am not a community resource." . Please remember this as you awaken into your own activism. . (Kelly's article: https://medium.com/@kellydiels/say-it-with-me-i-am-not-a-community-resource-a7400e17e524)

[kellydiels]

Musings on Feminist Community and What I Learned From The Correspondence of Audre Lorde and Pat Parker in the book Sister Love

I tend to romanticize our feminist community, like it's Santa Claus and delivers gifts for good behaviour.

In any community, however -- no matter how life-giving and righteous -- there is humanity. And we're not perfect. In any group of hundreds of people there are going to dangerous folks. There will be the con artist or the grifter -- they need communities of trust to run their affinity schemes. There will be a smattering of sociopaths (4% of the general pop) and psychopaths (1% of the general pop). There will be narcissists. There will be infiltrators who are reporting back to bad actors and institutions (seriously). There will be people at different stages of their healing and analysis. There will be groupies. There will be people who just want to grow their network and make future sales. There will be lovers who break up and ask us to break up with them. Ditto, friends. There will be deals and partnerships and projects that go awry (and that can be replaced or rebuilt, across time). There will be people who misunderstand each other and never quite clear the air but stay tender about it for...ever. There will be troubled folks you try to help and in return they run off with your ten-speed. Not because they're malicious. Just because the circumstances of their life implode and take them -- and your bike -- with it.

That's what happened to poet Pat Parker when she tried to be there for "Felicia". Parker's dear friend Audre Lorde wrote to her asking her to take care of Felicia, her "little sister" who was moving to the Bay Area where Parker lived. And shit went sideways.

As, it turns out, it was wont to do if Felicia was involved.

I read these snippets in Sister Love: The Letters of Audre Lorde and Pat Parker 1974 - 1989 (aff).

(h/t Stephanie Newman -- I learned about this book from her blog post about it.)

The book is a tiny volume of their correspondence, but the fortification -- and practical wisdom -- is HUGE.

Parker and Lorde talk about how to get published and get grants; what lists of addresses and phone numbers to compile and how to pitch (Lorde sends Parker a hand-typed list of bookstores that pay for readings with ticks beside the best prospects); how to protect writing time; what you need to know about taxes and running a freelance business; “the art of self-promotion” (as Mecca Jamilah Sullivan names it in her forward to the book); how to cook beets; how to talk to doctors; what gigs to take and how to protect yourself from administrators of federal grants; which fellow poets to be cautious of in social settings; why Parker is getting a bad vibe off "Ruby" who is trying to ingratiate herself with her at a party and name-dropping Lorde to her...

Lorde confirms Parker's instincts:

To answer some of your questions- Ruby is/was a troubled little sister (she's younger than she looks, who I thought I could help (when I was in the helping bag) I was wrong, altho I can't say I was defeated- she surely did give her a run for- etc. I think you hit the nail on the head- a groupie. But June Jordan and I were either too naive or too stupid to see it. She is among other things a pathological liar. (if you didn't notice). As you know, AQ [Amazon Quarterly] is no more. Lots of pain, can't discuss. (p. 46)

In this paragraph, Lorde is sharing her experience with a difficult community member who is using Lorde's name to build more connections in the community and validating Parker's intuition about that person. And in the next breath, she's talking about another breakdown: a magazine she was stewarding with two other feminists dissolved because of the breakdown in their relationships. Later in the book she would ask Parker what rumours (or lies!) Parker's heard about Lorde from those two people.

"Felicia" of the missing ten-speed also makes a few appearances; she's someone close to both Parker and Lorde and someone, apparently, who lives in the eye of a hurricane. After she passes through, Parker and Lorde always have to engage in post-storm clean-up. They trade stories about it, with compassion for Felicia -- and themselves. It's clear they love Felicia; and they know what comes with her and across time they find ways to maintain better boundaries with her. They're not judging her; they're figuring out how to protect themselves while staying in some kind of relationship with her.

In one sense, this stuff is gossip that doesn't have 'historical' import; we know who Pat Parker and Audre Lorde are; but we don't know who Ruby and Felicia are.

And strangely, this is the stuff I learned from the most and found the most affirming.

Like all of us, Pat Parker and Audre Lorde had to navigate trying relationships within a feminist community. 

They're helping each other do that. Even as they invest in the community and each other -- Lorde regularly sends Parker cheques and cash along with those letters, in solidarity -- and even as the community is how they survive, emotionally and financially, it's not an unadulterated love story. Community is always composed of people with mixed agendas, mixed personality types, uneven paces of personal development, unevenly matched contributions and investments. 

And so Parker and Lorde are swapping stories about how to deal with challenging personalities in positions of power -- editors, publishers, directors of grants. They're comparing notes about how to deal with their own growing profiles and power and the reality that they themselves can damage people in their proximity. They're also sharing confidences with each other about how Parker and Lorde can (and do) get used by people in the down-power position, comparatively speaking, who want to be in proximity to them for their own reasons. And even these lionized figures screw up and let people down -- often, each other. At one point, Lorde writes to Parker of her desire for them to sit down and have a frank talk to figure out why, despite their mutual love for each other, their respect, their commonalities, their decades of connection, and their mutual desire to be close friends, they have never truly reached the level of intimacy in their friendship that should have been possible.

Witnessing these brilliant poets talk frankly about the daily stuff of real life helped me contextualize a lot of things that are going on today. 

Reading Parker rage and rally to resist the US war machine in the 80s -- well, I saw parallels to the urgent times we're now in. Witnessing Lorde and Parker toggle back and forth between global politics and and how to navigate interpersonal politics and what vegetables to eat and what equipment to buy for their writing (a typewriter? A computer? A modem?) while writing and activating...

...the whole of it, the nitty-gritty of it, made me realize that although the context has changed, and many of our interactions are happening online, what we're navigating as feminist friends and feminist communities isn't really new. There are time-tested ways to steer the course, and they're not about tech solutions or complex schedules of moderation or guidelines; instead they're about experience and boundaries and iteration and sharing information and compassion and bodies of work + relationships sustained across time.

One of things I learned from this book and their correspondence that was so personally life-giving is that we can indeed be in relationship with troubled (but not predatory) and evolving folks {this describes all of us!!} -- but carefully, and with exquisite boundaries.

The other thing I absorbed from their correspondence was this: there's not anything new about interpersonal conflict and community. There's this implicit narrative in the air right now (always?) that there's something wrong with feminists because we have conflict. And while there are MATERIAL problems in feminist communities -- especially around implicit biases and dominator conditioning needs to be unlearned -- conflict itself is not a sign of defect. Conflict is inevitable if more than 2 people are in a room and multiplies with each added body. Wherever there are people, there will be mixed agendas. There will be different perspectives and dreams. Conflict in community - including in feminist communities - is not a sign of defect. It's a sign of humanity. What makes a community life-giving as opposed to degenerative and damaging is whether or not there are methods for holding or resolving conflict (h/t Holly Truhlar for this insight).

I saw this in Lorde's and Parker's correspondence. I even saw it in the way the book was published. There's a couple of places where Lorde speaks sharply about one editor, whom she otherwise clearly respects; that editor was one of the champions who helped get this book of letters published.

In other words: we don't have to romanticize each other or even like each other in order to recognize the value of each other's work. 

We don't have to be in constant harmony or consensus to be a community. And yes, sometimes someone is going to ride off into their future on your bike.

And sometimes, they come back.

Let's keep doing our work and keep teaching each other, either way.

----

this is an excerpt from my Sunday Love Letter that I sent on September 23, 2018. 

If you’d like to get my weekly newsletter, you can subscribe here: www.kellydiels.com/subscribe-a