#JustinGarms

[adamwatchesmovies]

Gordy (1995)

Gordy is a movie you'll love to watch ironically. It’s filled with so many clichés and so poorly written it circles around and becomes completely unpredictable. Alternatively, it might be the worst talking animal movie you've seen.

A young piglet named Gordy is separated from his family when they are taken away “up north, from which pigs never return”. Stolen from the back of a truck by a young singer named Jinnie Sue MacAllister (Kristy Young), Gordy becomes the mascot of the Royce Company when he saves the grandson of its namesake. Eventually making his way up to to the spot of company president (!) Gordy still finds his life empty. Is there a way he might be reunited with his family?

This plot is ludicrous even before you mention Gordy's ability to speak (he's voiced by Justin Garms) or the duo of bumbling Wet Bandit-like villains. They're after Gordy so they can murder him and give the company over to an evil outsider who would never be able to have any part in the company’s decision-making otherwise.

It’s like screenplay writer Leslie Stevens asked story writers Jay Sommers and Dick Chevillat which obligatory kid movie clichés they wanted and they said “ALL OF THEM!” We’ve got the children that can talk to animals, the single mom with the jerk boyfriend who should really be with the nice guy, the cartoon villains who are too dumb to live, the lonely millionaire boy who just needs a friend, the little guy who happens to find himself into a position of power and manages to run the company like a pro anyway. Most investors would have sold their stock the second they heard the new hierarchy was Gordy, then little kid, then his mother. It’s a madhouse at the Royce company!

There’s not really anything that's competently done. The acting is universally sloppy. Even Gordy is obviously just a piglet chewing on peanut butter and then dubbed. The movie looks cheap, the plot is all over the place, the comedy is broad and obvious, there are a bunch of country singer cameos that come out of nowhere... and the music isn’t even that good. You just watch it in disbelief, wondering if someone hasn’t tampered with your drink and popcorn. It uses camera techniques I thought I'd never see used in all earnestness, like shooting through a fish-eye lens to make a character look grotesque.

I know this movie is for kids, that they won't question the animals acting the way they do despite understanding the world around them. I still can't recommend it, even if they will probably have a good time watching. If you want a talking animal movie, you could do better. Even if you narrow your scope and only want a talking pig movie made in 1992, you could do better - just watch Babe.

Any adult stuck watching the film should consider its 90-minute running time a complete loss unless they want something bad to ridicule. It’s almost to the point of not even being a movie, just a string of predictable plot points and obvious characters stapled onto the concept that “Piglets are cute! We can sell a movie about a talking pig and they’ll eat it up!” It even features a rap number about Gordy's awesomeness. "Pig power in the house!" indeed. (On VHS, July 17, 2015)