#Just hard to find good new books / movies / podcasts to listen to in the meantime

[shikai-the-storyteller]

Listened to some JRWl stuff and liked the stories / characters they came up with, so I've been listening to all the older campaigns they did over the past few months and. Man. They sure love using the b word every other sentence (especially against women antagonists) huh.

[glitterguts13]

Pregnant Rover going through some stuff in the boxes to find some of his old baby items when he came across his husband, Scar’s diary.

After reading it, he found out that Scar was a notorious serial killer and he was supposed to be his next victim.

He now has to play along as the good happy wife but Scar knows, he knew someone went through his diary.

YOOO actually tho, I like this idea so much, I think I'm going to do a long form fanfic about this at some point...but in the meantime hear me out.

Rover is around 4 months along in his pregnancy, just out of the exhausting and nauseating first trimester. He's getting some of his strength back, and while his doting husband Scar is out working, he decides it's time to start cleaning.

It's going to be the last deep clean before the baby comes, so he's getting into everything. Figures the best place to start is their shared closet. They tend to just shove everything in there, so it's time to throw out the junk they don't touch.

A few boxes in, and Rover notices even after emptying one of the boxes, it still feels heavy. He shakes it, doesn't hear any rattling and there isn't anything visible in it, but it's just *heavy.*

Fidgeting with it for a bit, he discovers it has a false bottom, and once it's popped out, an old worn-out black book falls into his hands. Curious, because it certainly isn't his, and he can't ever recall Scar owning something like this...

Naturally, he flips through it, newspaper clippings and crime scene photos great him. At first, he thinks it must be some sort of true crime book, but why would it be hidden? Scar is open about his love for horror movies and serial killer documentaries, hell he listens to a true crime podcast every night before bed! Why hide this book?

Slowly, Rover starts to notice, that it's not a book but a diary, and that's without a doubt, his husband's handwriting. It's a log of deaths in the area, people Rover has heard about on the news, people he's heard Scar listening to podcasts about. None of these murders had been linked together. All the victims were random, with no traits of history linking them at all.

Bile starts to rise in the back of his throat, dread dripping down his spine. These photos weren't from online, these photos were taken by someone, and far too graphic to have ever been shown to the general public. These pictures were trophies, keepsakes from Scar's crimes, and Rover loses count after the 34th page, hands trembling violently, unable to process what was happening.

The sound of a car door jolts him from his trance, and he quickly puts the book back the way he found it. Stuffing it back under the pile he'd pulled it from, and rushes to leave the closet. He couldn't hide the fact he'd been cleaning, there was already a pile of things to be thrown out or donated, with no time to put them back.

Scar comes in, all smiles, but his eyes lose all signs of life when he sees Rover sitting on the floor outside of the closet, with everything moved around.

"Darling~ You shouldn't be doing any heavy lifting, not in your condition." he chastises, still smiling.

"S-sorry...I just had this urge to clean. Gotta....get things ready for the baby, you know?" Rover tries to laugh it off, but no matter how hard he tries, he can't meet Scar's eyes. He knows he's being suspicious, but he's far too rattled to seem normal.

"Sweetheart, you look awfully pale, did you see a ghost or something~?" tilting his head, still looking just as cheery as usual, Rover could feel the underlying threat in those words.

"N...no, of course not," Rover huffs, prying Scar can't hear how rapidly his heart is beating, "I just...overdid it. I'm not feeling very well now." reaching down, Scar takes hold of Rover's arm, and pulls him to his feet for a little more force than necessary.

"Go on and take a nice hot bath! I'll finish cleaning up in here and start on dinner, ok~?" there was no room for discussion, and Rover all but tripped over his feet hurrying from the room.

Once his husband is out of sight, Scar's smile drops and he's clawing his way through the pile in the closet like a madman, shaking violently as he pulls his diary from the box, and takes note of how the papers inside are out of order.

Rover was the only one he'd spared.

Rover was the only one he'd loved.

Rover had to die now.

[dontlookdown]

Reflections on four weeks of writing, and one week of not reading

(Snappy title, I know)

This time last month, I hadn’t written anything for a long time. Longer than I liked to admit, or think about. And, although I didn’t realise it at the time, it was bringing me down. Way down. I was beating myself up for not doing anything about this obvious dream that I wanted to follow, but finding it impossible to make a start on actually doing that. And I’d cycle between those two states without anything changing except my level of happiness. In the past, I probably would have struggled to be honest about how unhappy it was making me. Not just because I hadn’t quite made the connection yet (the problem with depression is that you can rarely see the forest for the trees), but because I most likely would’ve told myself that it wasn’t anything worth bothering other people with. That my writer’s block (not that I would have called it that) wasn’t the cause of any great pain, and certainly wasn’t keeping me back from enjoying life. That is a lie we tell ourselves. If you have an urge to create, however small, it’s unhealthy to keep it suppressed. You just have to find the right outlet to unblock yourself.

Enter The Artist’s Way. I’d bought a copy with the express intention of getting the help I needed to teach myself to enjoy (or, at least, appreciate) the act of writing again. I bought it while still on my last job: away from home, working 11 hours a day. When I saw that I was required to begin by producing three pages of stream-of-consciousness writing every morning, I persuaded myself that I didn’t have the time right then, and I’d get around to it once I was on a break. Eight months later (yeah, it was a long job), when I was at my lowest, I cracked it open again, and prepared myself for what was likely going to be a painful period. From the day I started, I felt instantly better. Honestly, the difference was immediate. And all I had to do was write three pages of whatever stream-of-consciousness garbage I could come up with. I’ve seen and read multiple pieces of advice from various writers stressing the importance of “just write”, without ever really believing them. “That’s easy to say,” I’d think, “but what if you don’t know where to begin.” Turns out it was meant to be taken literally. You know the saying “Jump, and the net will appear”? Writing seems to be the one endeavour in which that saying truly applies. It’s horrible at first to force yourself to fill three pages of a notebook with nothing but whatever’s on your mind, with no consideration about how it reads, but once you get going, you get going. The positive effects are numerous. Not only has my mood and general disposition improved as a result of this daily exercise, I’ve lost count of the times that I’ve suddenly written answers to stumbling blocks that I’ve been stuck on for years on ideas I’ve had, nestled between ramblings about breakfast and dreams.

Anyway, writing without a net was one thing. Putting this new sense of purpose and clear-headedness into actual work was another, and one that required a little push. The Artist’s Way is a twelve week course, with each week having its own chapter to read ahead of time. So far, these chapters have mostly focused on reassuring you that yes, you’re on the right track if it feels difficult and no, there’s no wrong way to do the morning pages (I needed those reassurances). There’s also sections where it predicts with eerie accuracy the sort of emotions you’ll be feeling, and show how these are natural in a situation where you are essentially re-training yourself to listen to yourself. And then there’s Week 4. Week 4, which I’ve just finished, gently introduces the concept of ‘reading deprivation’ and asks you to do it for a week. That’s no reading, no TV, no movies, no talk radio. The book was originally written in 1994, and author Julia Cameron has since updated this to ‘media deprivation’, which includes social media, texts, emails, podcasts and the internet in general. Sounds hard, right? It is. Being on a break between jobs right now, those things are pretty much all I do every day, besides eating and working out. If music hadn’t been explicitly mentioned as an exception, I might have gone insane. I did so much walking that week. Here’s the thing though. When you block yourself from other peoples’ words and content, your brain is inclined to make up its own. That week become my most creatively productive week since my degree course. I finally thought of an ending for a short film idea I’d had since then, and that idea became my first finished script in, get this, six years. Most importantly, it was fun again. By forcing myself into a situation where I had to create to stave off boredom, it removed any crushing expectations I had of quality or importance. It felt good. And since I reintroduced the media I gave up, the drive hasn’t gone away. I’m still making time to work on the projects I want to, and enjoying the process. In fact, I haven’t even reintroduced everything I gave up in the first place. Twitter used to probably be my biggest time-sink, but I haven’t missed it at all! Seven whole days without having to read about Tr*mp!

The reason I’m writing all this is to simply spread the message to other people that could use it. As I mentioned, this is advice I’ve heard and shrugged off in the past too. But when you actually make the effort to put it into practice? It works. Writing whatever you have in your head into a notebook works. Going on a week-long media cleanse works. And if you’ve ever thought “I could do that, if I wanted”, it’ll work for you too.

I’m only on Week 5, so there might be more posts like these to come. I’ll report back if there are any other major breakthroughs that I feel could help others. In the meantime, there’s a certain Tumblr-specific writing project I’ve wanted to get off my plate since, oh, December... ;)

[kkoehn17]

So it’s a little sad actually, because I finished this post over a week ago and was set to post it the Monday before what would have been Game 6 of the World Series. I was feeling optimistic and clever and I even wrote a cute intro that talked about how relieved I was to take a break from screaming at the television to tell you about some of my favorite things. But then the Dodgers lost and I was heartbroken and I wrote this blog instead.

Now it’s been a week since baseball ended and I’m still bummed and slightly disoriented and already counting down the days until it’s back. In the meantime here is a list of some of my favorite things from the last couple months:

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Dirty John Podcast

I’m about a year behind listening to this podcast, but I can finally say that I have listened, I have gasped, I have had heated discussions with my sister in our living room, and I completely understand why everyone made such a big deal about this podcast last year. For those of you who haven’t heard it: LISTEN! It is such a crazy, frustrating and mind blowing true story that you simply have to hear it to believe it. (find it here)

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Computer Glasses

On the nerdier side of things: these glasses! As someone who spends eight hours—at work, plus a few more each night while writing/blogging at home—a day behind a computer, I was starting to get constant headaches from looking at the screen. So, I did some research and came across these glasses that are supposed to cut out the blue light from the computer screen and prevent those headaches. I’ve been wearing them for a few weeks now and I’m happy to report they are helping! I have far fewer headaches and wholeheartedly believe they were worth the (totally inexpensive) investment. (find them here)

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Movies

Since the Dodgers were in the playoffs for most of October, most of my evenings were spent on the couch screaming at the television. Thus, I didn’t have a lot of time to put aside to go to the movies. That being said however, these two managed to both steal me away and put a smile (and/or tears) on my face. A Star is Born is one of the biggest showcases of Lady Gaga’s talent you will ever see and I highly recommend it for that exact reason. The story, music and acting by other players—including Bradley Cooper who gives an amazing performance—is as good as everyone says it is, but Lady Gaga is just beyond. On the completely other end of the scale, Crazy Rich Asians delivers one of the most heartwarming romcoms I’ve seen in a long time. I laughed, I cried, I AWW-ed, and I was ecstatic to learn there is an upcoming sequel because it means I get to spend more time in that wonderful world with that wonderful cast.

.

A Million Little Things

This fall TV season made me mad because it presented a bunch of promising shows that I was interested in watching, even though I definitely don’t have time to watch them. I usually like to pick one or two to try out and then eventually drop one (or both), but my DVR is currently taping about six new shows, almost all of which I am behind on. The exception being A Million Little Things. At first I was skeptical about this show because I thought it was trying to be the new This is Us and I didn’t feel like I had the emotional capacity to watch both. But, I have been pleasantly surprised by its unique storyline and characters. It is without a doubt my favorite new show on TV right now.

.

Books

I have been practically overdosing on books lately, so choosing only a few favorites was incredibly hard, but these are the ones that really got me.

I listened to Wildflower on audiobook and essentially fell in love with Drew Barrymore in the process. Not only did I love her stories, but listening to her tell them and actually hear how much they meant to her made the book all the more enjoyable. (find it here)

After listening to Wildflower, I immediately started looking up memoirs by other people I admire that I could also listen to on audiobook, which led me to Bryan Cranston’s book, Life in Parts. It was a book I always thought sounded like it would be good but never knew if I’d get around to it, but I’m so glad I did. Cranston has lived such an interesting life and worked so many unique jobs and I loved hearing stories about all of them. One story in particular even inspired this blog post I wrote a few weeks ago. Thanks for that one, Bryan! (find it here)

And last but certainly not least: Girl, Wash Your Face. I practically inhaled this book, reading it every chance I could get just so I could absorb more of the inspirational advice it’s dripping with. It felt like one of those books I was meant to read, you know? The kind I might bring up some time down the road, noting it as an important book that I read and reread and then pursued my dreams like crazy. (find it here)

.

Music

Similar to books, I’ve been making a point to listen to all kinds of music lately and I’ve been so excited with what I’ve found. These are a few of my favorite, with iTunes’ adjectives as always.

Swimming by Mac Miller: “He’s riding ultra funky baselines…and an altogether jazzy and danceable set.”

Desperate Man by Eric Church: “Church’s life-affirming relief over successful emergency surgery to remove a deadly blood clot can be heart in the joyous survivor’s boogie of “Hangin’ Around,” the opposites-attract waltz “Heart Like a Wheel,” and the Sympathy for the Devil”-nudging title track.

Expectations by Magic: So there’s no review on iTunes for this one, but if I were to award it descriptive adjectives I would say funky and smooth and close your eyes and bob your head kind of groovy.

.

Have anything you’ve been loving over these last couple months? Let me know! My Amazon cart is always open…

See my previous favorites post here.

  September/October 2018 Favorites So it’s a little sad actually, because I finished this post over a week ago and was set to post it the Monday before what would have been Game 6 of the World Series.

[castyourpodtothewind]

CYPTTW Review #7 - Crimetown

Who the hell are you?! Hi! I’m Taylor and I recently dived headfirst into podcasts! I have since binged on several of them and decided to make reviews of the ones that really stood out. These are not going to be big, professional reviews (I’m lazy) but they should hopefully contain information to help you get into some great new listens!

Where do you listen to your podcasts? My personal recommendation for listening to podcasts is the Pocket Casts app, available for Android or iPhone. It costs $3.99 to buy, but I think it's super worth it, since it has a lot of great features and zero in-app ads, which to me is worth every penny. But if you like free apps or just don't have the scratch right now, my runner up is Podcast Addict. It's free and has some (but not all) of the features Pocket Casts has, plus you have to deal with the ads. But if you don't like either of those, do some searching! There's lots of options out there.

---

Name of Podcast: Crimetown

Creators of Podcast: Gimlet Media

Genre(s): Non-Fiction, True Crime, Mafia

Start and End Date of Podcast: November 20th, 2016 - May 8th, 2017 (On Hiatus, Season 2 coming November 2018)

Number of Episodes: 18 (plus 7 bonus episodes)

Release Schedule: On Hiatus, Season 2 coming November 2018

Where Can I Find It: http://www.crimetownshow.com/

Donation/Patreon?: None (If anyone can find one I missed, please DM me)

Age Rating: This podcast is heavily focused around the mafia, so there is a lot of violence and profanity involved. PG-13.

Where I Am Now: Caught Up

Official Summary: Welcome to Crimetown, a new series from Gimlet Media and the creators of HBO’s The Jinx. Every season, we’ll investigate the culture of crime in a different American city. First up: Providence, Rhode Island, where organized crime and corruption infected every aspect of public life. This is a story of alliances and betrayals, of heists and stings, of crooked cops and honest mobsters—a story where it’s hard to tell the good guys from the bad guys. Hosted by Marc Smerling and Zac Stuart-Pontier.

Representation?: N/A as this is a non-fiction podcast

Transcripts?: Official transcripts are available for every episode on the website!

Trigger Warnings?: Violence, Child Abuse, Prison Life, Drugs, Murder

How Long To Listen Before Giving Up?: I was hooked on this show from the very first episode, it plays out like a Hollywood movie. If you must have a bail-out point, listen until episode 10.

Anything Else I Should Know?: Season 2 has been confirmed to begin in November, based in a different city, but creators are keeping it under wraps until the premiere. In the meantime, they have premiered a new podcast called the RFK Tapes, exploring the conspiracy that RFK’s shooter was not the real culprit. I listened to the pilot and thought it was promising, but ultimately didn’t have much interest in the subject matter. If that’s your kind of thing, though, I’d say go for it.

If You Like This, You Might Also Like: Heaven’s Gate, Limetown, The RFK Tapes, Serial

Pros

If you love non-fiction podcasts, this one is going to blow you away. The podcast is 100% real people and real events, but it plays out like a Hollywood mobster movie. It’s insane to realize that as little as 30-40 years ago entire cities were under mob rule, and most of those mobsters were right there in city hall. If you have any interest in the subject at all, you have hit the jackpot with this podcast.

The subject of Season 1 is the city of Providence, Rhode Island, focusing on the mayoral career of Vincent “Buddy” Cianci Jr. Most people remember Buddy Cianci for his various scandals, the least of which being his barely-concealed ties to organized crime, yet he was somehow re-elected after being forced to resign office. At first you listen and wonder how in hell he could have been re-elected, but as you get further and further and get to know the man in question, you think “damn, no wonder he got re-elected.” Buddy Cianci had charisma for days and did many amazing things for the city, things that people in Providence still have not forgotten.

You don’t just get to hear from Buddy Cianci, however, you also get exclusive interviews with former mafia members, detailing how they got into La Cosa Nostra in the first place, what their jobs and duties were, and explaining how the Raymond Patriarca crime family managed to infiltrate the mayor’s office. Every mobster we hear speak is startlingly human, and you honestly really start to get to know them and sympathize with their reasons for why they joined and why they did the things they did. Some of them hold regrets, others say they did what they had to and looking back isn’t going to help matters. The families of these mobsters were also interviewed, although many declined. But it’s not just the ex-wise guys you hear from, you also get to hear interviews from former FBI agents who managed to bring down the Patriarca crime family, and exposed the city hall corruption. The most startling and amazing part of the podcast, for me, was learning that the ex-mobsters and ex-law enforcers are actually good friends these days, having grown a liking and a respect for each other after playing cat-and-mouse all those years ago. They talk and laugh and get along swimmingly, even joking about old arrests and convictions with no ill will. It’s honestly quite heartwarming.

If you like hearing about exciting things like bank heists, armored car robberies, drug smuggling, and other such events, you are going to have a very good time with this podcast. The episodes where they detail how the Patriarca crime family pulled off some of the biggest heists of the century were among the most enjoyable episodes, and they plug multiple books written about the subject if that wasn’t enough for you.

One of the ex-mobsters converted to Paganism and is now a Dungeon Master in D&D, and he spends some of the podcast talking about his various RP characters in a stereotypical New York Italian accent. It is exactly as hilarious as it sounds. I think that guy was my favorite.

It’s a small thing, but I reeeeeally like the theme song for this podcast. It’s kind of perfect at setting the tone for the theme of the show.

Cons

There are numerous ex-cons on this podcast! Just kidding. In all seriousness, there wasn’t too much not to like considering that it’s non-fiction. It keeps you interested, there’s tons of content, and the only way this wouldn’t be enjoyable is if the topic doesn’t interest you.

MY RATING: 9.5/10 GOLD BARS - This podcast was a delight to listen to, and I remember being very disappointed when the first season ended because all I wanted was more. Buddy Cianci’s charisma just pours off the audio and it is almost unfathomable to realize that he was dead shortly before this podcast even started. When I finished the podcast, I immediately bought his autobiography just so I could learn more about such a complex and morally grey character. I can’t wait for season 2 and I hope you guys enjoy this season while you wait.

[cosmosogler]

hello. yesterday sucked.

i don’t even remember yesterday that well. i ended up hanging out with keegan and harrison for like an hour and a half, between 5:30 and 7, right before we proctored... we were swapping goofy youtube videos. at the end of my video my youtube recommendations popped up and i was like “NOOOOOOOOOOO” and tried to cover up my screen while having a panic attack, because i’m really cool.

i listen to video game soundtracks. i do not really want them knowing which video games i like. even though portal 2 is objectively the best game ever i just feel like... it’s hard to share fan made content with other people.

like when i mentioned i read fan fiction everyone got all weird about it like i was reading hardcore porn or something. i don’t like that feeling. that like... misunderstanding of what my interest is. then i end up rambling for two hours to explain my love for this piece of media and i bore the other person and then we’re back at square one.

but if i join, like, a fandom, i’ll be expected to only talk about that one thing. but i like lots of things!!! i dunno. let me listen to the blue sky “podcast” in peace.

i’ve never talked about that book with ANYONE, except to mention that it’s really good. and it is a novel. it takes that long to read.

anyway proctoring was boring so i spent some time counting all the left-handed students in the lecture hall, and then i played pokemon go, and then i wandered around staring intimidatingly at people. i am not intimidating at all, i wear a bow in my hair. but they looked at me like i was either gonna rip their heads off, or stark naked, and i’m not sure which.

also the stapler was loud as a gunshot and i flinched every time i had to staple someone’s exam together, which was 115 times.

i talked to the professor i was teamed up with though and we just talked about, like, moving to a new place and getting established i guess? i don’t know about you guys but i unironically like talking about the weather. leave me alone.

i actually can’t tell if i want to be alone or not. i feel sick like i want to be alone. but i also desperately want to talk about this stuff i like. i talked to keegan about competitive pokemon for 20 minutes and let him see my collection. well, “see,” because he is basically blind and didn’t even realize my ds had a top screen. he asked how many of my 270 pokemon are hacked and i said like 8. and that’s... true. in the ballpark of ten, i think.

he stopped playing after diamond and pearl so i had to explain hidden abilities and triple battles. i miss triple battles.

oh right, yesterday i had group therapy. i got some advice. i think i will try to implement it soon. basically the idea is to carry a notebook or a phone memo with you and to periodically question yourself and write down everything you are feeling. it might help me narrow down my emotions to more than “angry” or “confused.” and she said it helps you get to know yourself better too.

hey today i woke up on time again. i think snoopy had been laying on my feet because they were extremely warm when i woke up. i didn’t get enough sleep at all. i finished getting ready early so of course that means i got distracted and left for class a little late.

but i biked turbo fast i guess because i got to class right on time and started teaching right away. i think it went ok. i was completely exhausted about 3/4 of the way through my second lab though so the last half hour was a real struggle to help everyone finish. i don’t know why my last section has so much trouble finishing on time. it cuts into my lunch break before my meetings with danielle at the drc. or whatever other appointment i have to attend to that day. last week i didn’t even get a lunch break, i had to eat at the seminar thing, i mentioned.

but it’s my middle section, which i feel i teach the best, that’s been getting consistently the lowest grades out of my sections. so i dunno. i use the same rubric for all three.

so i forced down some lunch and graded for 45 minutes (skipped coffee cookie time on accident, i didn’t really feel like dealing with sam today anyway, maybe next week). and then i went to the drc. we arranged for my course to get dropped and i contacted financial aid about the change to my minimum full time credit hours. i haven’t heard back from them yet, but the minute i do i’m going to set up an appointment with my graduate advisor to get that settled. in the meantime danielle told me not to waste my time going to class and to worry about the long term stuff.

maybe since everyone is here all year round i can cajole one of the professors into leading an “independent study” where i can try to keep up with my e&m credit.

we finished that up in about 25 minutes so danielle spent a while asking about my emotions. i think they were good questions because for once i had answers i could put into words, sort of. she pointed out that i laugh when i mention something painful to me. i said i get that a lot. it’s... easier than acknowledging that it hurts. ESPECIALLY in front of other people. crying is awkward and makes people uncomfortable.

we went a little bit into, like, the reasoning behind my trust issues and how it affects me now. it really was painful giving a list of the people that have majorly wronged me. and now how i don’t tell people when i’m sad or angry with them because that might make them angry and why should i be angry if i don’t want to be around angry people. and i know that when people are angry with you it’s scary and i don’t want to spook the people i care about. and like, i don’t like people being angry around me, because even if they’re not angry at me specifically they will take it out on me. it’s not safe.

“wronged” as in, like, how jim ghosted on me. or the year craig spent telling me i was “too much” or taking my words out of context and making me look like a real monster to my friends. 

she asked why i haven’t told sam directly to cut out the “cute” thing yet since it’s really rustling my jimmies. she said it was really disrespectful and i dunno it felt nice to hear someone else agreeing with me. well, it’s more like, she asked why i haven’t told sam how her words make me feel. i said it’s because it ain’t her business. danielle said that was fair enough.

telling people how their words make you feel is kind of, making yourself vulnerable to a person who literally just hurt you. hey, glad you’ve found my buttons! let me just make myself more vulnerable there for you. is that an easier target now? glad to help. let me know if there’s anything else i can do to make it easier for you to hurt my feelings.

i also mentioned the guy in the discord several weeks ago who went off on me for complaining about past romantic partners, because how *dare* i feel sad for being assaulted, because *he* can’t even get one date! i should be GRATEFUL for the attention!

involving a lot more curse words and insults to my mental faculties and character, of course.

man, i kinda hate having to add that tw tag to my posts because i mentioned something that happened to me. it does affect me though. and it’s better to warn people what they’re getting into. even if i just mention it once.

i felt a little bummed, but also, a little more on both feet mentally/emotionally after i left. i filled out my medical drop form and sent it to danielle to review. then i dicked around on the internet for like an hour while harrison came and sat in the office and dicked around on his phone. we didn’t really talk but we did throw candy at each other for a few minutes.

it’s so hard to show people the stuff i love. i mention it sometimes and if they don’t, like, immediately show interest i drop it forever. oz has been kind about the stuff i recommend. i’m trying to figure out which movie i want to watch with him over my thanksgiving break. i know it’s just an hour and a half or two hours, but it still feels like a huge energy investment. 

one time i linked him a music video and he said it was “beautiful” and i was like, “I KNOW RIGHT???”

i’ve remembered that moment for a long time. that was many years ago.

i graded until after 8 and finished one more section. two more to go before i am officially in the clear. then i will only be 2 weeks behind! for those 3 sections each!!! i also uploaded the grades to keep my supervisor posted on my progress a little better, and adjusted some formatting preferences on the excel file to make it easier for me to find stuff right away. 

i think my grade averages are maybe the lowest out of my friend group. i’m so concerned about doing right by my students and then i end up being kind of a hardass when it comes to actually taking off points haha... it’ll get curved back up at the end so i’m not too worried. i just feel bad that my students have to look at their 12/20 because i know how demoralizing that is. i think i will send out an email later and offer some resources if i can find any.

the problem is that i had 4 or 5 curve breakers so i couldn’t just scale up everyone’s scores at the end. 

anyway once i got home i made a microwave meal because it was like 8:50 and i just wanted food. i did all my dishes and hid some cookies for snoopy and cleaned her litter genie thing since it, uh, malfunctioned the other day and i just didn’t have time to fix it until tonight. and i swept the bathroom afterward so that looks better and doesn’t smell like cat pee.

ok it is six minutes after my “stop writing” time. i would like to get enough sleep tonight for once. i just have a lot on my mind and not much desire to deal with my dreams. 

i saw my friends again. i was just watchin em, i couldn’t really interact with the dream at all. they were trying to figure out some deja vu feelings. i couldn’t say anything to them that might help clear it up though. unable to get the message across.

i think keegan asked what kinds of dreams i have that i don’t like sleeping very much. oh i mentioned i don’t like naps because i get horrible nightmares. he asked how i ever sleep then and i said i guess eight hours is long enough for the dreams to calm down. THEN he asked what kinds of dreams i have. i said i dream about my eyes rotting out, or the skin coming off my hands, or blood and gunk just coming out of my mouth in a constant stream. he and harrison said please stop.

i am not sure how to bring up dream friends with them. i mentioned it to suzanne one time on the way to spaghetti day when we were swapping dream concepts. and i am not sure if they are even interesting enough to bring up. i’m not sure what to make of them at all. i guess it makes being awake feel less real. because i’ve met all these people in my dreams and i don’t always remember what i say to them but they feel real to me. 

you know, i did bring them up a little bit. i mentioned that i meet a lot of people in my dreams and that most of them are dead now. that prompted a joke about how we are all dead to keegan until he sees us again in the morning. it was funny and it made me feel a little better, but with most of them like, i watched them die. it’s not a matter of “haven’t been in touch.”

i just don’t know how to describe how i feel about the dream guys. it feels dumb to care about something like that when they’re not even real, they’re people i made up in my head. like it’s almost egotistical to pay attention to them or be concerned for their safety. i guess it depends on how you interpret dreams. collective consciousness? random nonsense? processing our day by making random associations? who knows. maybe a little of all of them. 

maybe it’s easier for my brain to handle being concerned about people i made up and put into danger myself than it is for my brain to be concerned about me and the problems i make in my own head.

i was talking to keegan and jennica and harrison at our meeting before the proctoring started. we were talking about how we have all adopted keegan’s “that’s no good” whenever we see something we don’t like. harrison joked that that’s how he would introduce keegan to a stranger. then he said he would introduce me to a stranger by saying something like “this is sammie. she’s depressed.”

i guess i felt kinda bad. i said “wow, good to know that depression is my defining character trait. it’s the one thing about me everyone notices!”

maybe the others felt bad too because i don’t think we talked about that much more. it’s hard to remember.

i still say things nic used to say in high school when we dated. like “wow! WOW! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW” is a good one. i think “smooth like sandpaper” is a phrase he picked up from me but we both said it a lot.

people stay with me. even when i don’t want them to. i still make jokes that shade toward stuff craig used to say. i still make jokes that jim really liked. when i caught myself using that old stupid punch line i had to stop and feel kinda sick for a few minutes actually.

i wonder if that’s all that people pick up from me? “this is sammie. she has depression.” i say things that i think are hilarious all the time but i don’t know if other people pick it up. i have like fifteen different words for “angry.” maybe my speech pattern is just odd enough that people don’t really copy me. 

i’ve never really talked like a normal person. most of my vocabulary comes from reading. books, internet message boards, video games, international students in high school. i still mispronounce words and i have so much trouble with names that i, like, try to avoid referring to people by name at this point.

danielle said i should try to make myself more vulnerable to my friends. so maybe they can understand me better. and maybe i will understand them better. 

but i tried that already. it didn’t work. i’m not stupid. i’m not gonna try something a million times if i know it’s not gonna work.

just kidding, i’m still studying physics. of course i’m gonna beat my head against a wall until either the wall or my head breaks!!!

danielle said she admired how strong i am for continuing to get up and work hard every day. she asked how i was feeling. i said “not very strong.” 

it doesn’t feel like strength. it just feels like. boredom. maybe. i don’t know what else to do and i get restless. may as well do stuff.