#JoyfulDeepEnd

[joyfuldeepend]

Invited In

Recently I had a friend spend some extended time with me and the girls I support. It was a big deal to me. We have a few people who choose to engage or spend time with us. Also I am protective of who they experience. Honestly I never know what I’m going to get each day and while it’s my normal now, I perceive that could be a lot for those not in it regularly. When I recount things that happen sometimes I get unsolicited advice on how people would handle their behavior if it was them. Often people get a little terrified for me and other people are scared for me, which makes sense if it’s not the norm for them.

One thing that I’ve made a personal commitment about, is not to apologize for them. They’re working their stuff out and sometimes I’m confident when we’re in public people might think they have “special needs” or are shocked or think they should be more docile. That being said, choosing to be a safe place for them, for me, means in all settings. That doesn’t mean accepting all behaviors, however it does mean that every situation and behavior doesn’t get addressed right away. If that was the case I’d live in just corrective mode…and that’s not helpful for any one, especially me. There have been many times in stores that one or both are giving into their intrusive thoughts and I pick which battle I will fight based on factors impacted at the moment.

The girls have been in survival mode and lived with conditional love, undependable adults, manipulative families, toxic parenting and the list goes on. It takes awhile to work through those things to get back to zero and start there.

My goal is to get them to be able to graduate high school and hold down a job. Along the way if they learn some character and consideration of others that’s my bonus points. It has taken me a year…A YEAR to get R to be respectful to me (70% of the time), minimal lying, not flipping me off constantly, saying thank you, consider others (well at least me for now), want to spend time with me and say I love you and not be manipulative. She texted me recently and asked if I’d go with her to the doctors to get a shot bc she’s scared. This is HUGE!! Her caseworker said she was proud of her and saw her maturity this week, I could have cried right there. Besides me no one, that I know of, has told her that in years.

K has started recovering from her spirals in less than 2 hours versus the days to week it would take before. She calls me mid spiral and freaking and let’s me deescalate, she wouldn’t do that 3 months ago. I’m praising God for that movement. (UPDATE: things went downhill after I wrote this. After two weeks of up and down she was removed from my home after another police encounter and physical damage occurrence. It was a rough choice, however I’m confident the best one give the circumstances).

I recognize, just like with any kids, people see the current phase, and I…I see the journey and the growth. When interacting with the girls it could be chaotic and they could also be sweet, considerate and naive/youthful. They will always want to listen to music, eat junk food and watch movies and take long drives. As much as it “costs” I still remember that I prayed for this and I’m grateful for the ways people engage or find ways to support me/us as their boundaries allow. So grateful for all of those ways and the continual prayers as I know I do not journey alone, even when it feels like it!!

I say all of these things to say thank you. Thank you to the people who continue to find ways to support or engage with my journey. As a quality time person all of that means the world to me. It looks different for each person and I’m learning to grown in my appreciation of the varying expressions. Thanks friends for diving into the joyful deepend. This is our reminder to keep inviting people in!

[joyfuldeepend]

From Crisis to Crisis

It’s always a learning experience with supporting teenagers that don’t have proper emotional regulation or haven’t had a dependable support system before. Recently we had a weekend of things feeling explosive and then just boiling below the surface. We ended the weekend with a physical fight (me breaking it up), lots of yelling, tears, shaking with uncontrollable anger and me having to call on others to determine next steps and considering a psych consult. These kinds of experiences used to happen periodically, lately they are occurring with more regularity and I’m having to navigate how to best support them, do accountability and not overly focus on the challenges.

After things settle down with the teen, i take a minute to fall apart. Usually it involves me sobbing, praying, driving, eating or journaling. When the last one occurred I reached out to a few different friends to help process and not feel alone. No one was available and so I went for a walk in the rain by the harbor, sobbed and prayed aka pleaded with God to help me and give me wisdom. The Lord let me cry and listened, not that I give him much choice, and once I settled down a bit he asked me a question… “why do you pursue your work, your employees and your relationships more than you pursue me?” I may have had some choice words to say…that’s how God and I do (straight no chaser and honest). He is right, I don’t. He wasn’t the first person I wanted to go to for help, I wanted a human in front of me to tell me what to do and that it would be ok. I wanted someone to hold me and tell me it wasn’t my fault and I didn’t F it up. I wanted to hear someone affirm me. I didn’t think or want the one who created both of us and knows us better than we know ourselves to speak or intervene. More than that, I didn’t really think to ask (that’s a bigger topic lol). It was fitting bc we’d been talking about prayer at church lately and how it changes you. Mostly it’s about the change in our perspective and posture in the midst of a situation that may not change. Hence peace that is difficult to comprehend in the midst of the “storms”.

Once Jesus and I got it sorted out, I headed back to my car. At that moment a good friend called me. They also have teens and I asked for some advice. It was such an encouraging conversation and a good reminder to me…God first and then people. My heart was ready then for what I needed to hear and not just what I wanted in the moment. While I’m growing more comfortable in the knowledge that crisis will come…I also am sure that I will not be swayed bc my God is my firm foundation. The song firm foundation has been an anchor point for me lately and I’m grateful for the gift of music that calms my spirit in the midst of the storms.

Keep standing strong and diving deep my friends!

[joyfuldeepend]

Leaving Unfinished!

By nature I am someone who needs to finish what she starts. I don’t like unfinished projects, conversations or relationships. Unfinished things are what keep me up at night and have me lying awake wondering what I need to do to “fix” or finish it.

In this season of life God has me leaving things as they are in some areas. Practicing trusting God with the outcome, the lesson being taught and the possibility that finishing something isn’t always the goal. It’s often frustrating and I wonder what I could have done, “should” have said or if there was a lack of effort on my part.

I have attempted a 3000 piece Hogwarts puzzle three times over the last 4 years. Each time I get about 60/70% finished and get stuck. I’ve tried every jigsaw puzzle trick in my tool box and still the finished product alludes me. If you know me, you know I love jigsaw puzzles and I’m entirely too competitive with games. This is an unusual conundrum for me.

This week I realized that I thought the goal of this puzzle was to finish it. However, I realized the thing that previously was bringing me joy, now was only bringing me frustration and contempt. I was finished with the puzzle, but the puzzle wasn’t complete. I went back and forth for a couple days examining my motives, my priorities and my peace and the knowledge that I can make a decision in whichever way I wanted.

I took a picture of the state where I was finished and returned the puzzle back to the box. It’s now in my donate pile, because just because I’m finished with it doesn’t mean its use is done. I’m sure there is some fun or even a lesson still in that puzzle for someone else.

[joyfuldeepend]

On that Midnight train to Georgia!!

2024…and with that changes coming. Excited, terrified and anxious…but mostly with my feet in motion for the new. Doing the thing I’ve been wanting to do since my teens and move out of state. Now is the time and I’m so ready. I’m going to miss the hell out of my friends and being close to kiddoes I adore, however I’m more than confident that this is the step for me.

With that, at the end of April 2024 I will be moving to the Atlanta, Georgia area (most likely northeast of ATL). There are many little things that have led to this change and many ones I’ll never fully know until eternity. What I do know is that this is the right next step for me and for what God has for me. I have never lived outside of Maryland, for more than a month at a time, and so it is time.

I’m grateful for this season of “come away with the me” that God is calling me into. Also very grateful that the Alpharetta/Atlanta area houses one of my main office hubs, so I’ll just be transferring locations and not have to add job search to one of the changes. My region will find out this week now that I can focus on it after my Boston trip.

For those who’ve followed my foster care journey and know that while the girls are not in my home and yet have still been a part of my life, this has been a challenge to navigate through. We’ve had the better part of four months to process and talk through it. I know it will be hard and yet think we all need it in some way. I’ve begun practicing more distanced support and boundaries, even when I want to rescue and hold on to them when things are hard. I don’t know our future, I do know that they’ll always be a part of my heart and life in some manner.

I’ve begun selling, donating and purging in preparation for the move. Praying for the right landing place, church and community to be embraced by. Grieving slowly as I withdraw from things, take down pictures and create the space needed for the next. I’ve never done this before and yet I know I’m fully held and led in this new chapter.

If you’re local to Maryland and want to see me before I depart, let me know and we’ll make something happen.

[joyfuldeepend]

Why Would I give up?

I took a vacation after my last work trip and stayed in the Alpharetta, Georgia area with a friend. I knew I needed some time and if I stayed home I would have done productivity for vacation. It was so refreshing and relaxing and my dear friend kindly hosted me!

Things were so clear and peaceful that week. What wasn’t peaceful was what I felt God spoke clearly to me. This season of allowing there to be unfilled space is difficult and yet doesn’t hold the candle to what he put on my heart. I know it was him because of my internal response. I said a resigned ok and didn’t immediately crumble. Maybe it’s because my heart has been slowly crumbling over the years (in this area) or maybe because I trust Him more than I have before. I finally think it’s possible that He might not have scraps for me.

God said “I need you to give up your desire to have children who will call you Mom”. Now as I type this tears stream down my face. It’s not that it doesn’t hurt, it’s that it feels like it’s over. I don’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t longed to be a mom. I always knew my mom journey would be different and expected to be a step mom or adoptive mom. I don’t know how, I’ve just always known. It’s why movies about blended family and ones like Stepmom with Julia Robert’s always felt like something I could identify with, but movies about pregnancy felt foreign.

In spite of that I still wanted to do the team mom thing, late night sick and sleep routines, snacks for half time for soccer practice and dirty cleats clutter the car. To be the person a child turns to first in their time of need. To be the one frantically searched for in a crowd so they know it’s all going to be alright or even just the supportive stepmom. I haven’t figured out what to do with that part of my hope yet. I’m so grateful for the dope moms out there and the baby showers that display dreams fulfilled. My heart is sad, reality of my age clear and also curious of how God will fill that part of my dreams in a way I couldn’t know to dream for! I only know the chapter I am on and not what will come and God knows that way is much better for me (even though I hate it). Here’s to an I know future, I filled spaces and dreams yet to be known. Thanks for diving deep in the joyful deepens friends!!

[joyfuldeepend]

Consideration

R and I were out to dinner last week. She had never had Red Lobster and somehow convinced me to take her (doesn’t take much bc she’s usually pretty sweet when it’s just the two of us). Red lobster in general isn’t much to write home about and typically when you go there you know that. Well R had never been to Red lobster and saw something on tik tok so there we were.

The dining experience left a lot to be desired but you don’t go to a chain like that (or shouldn’t) expecting to be blown away. So that was a learning experience for R who loves hibachi buffet and seafood boils. So we worked through expectations and comparing what we want versus what we get.

There was what appeared to be a double date happening one row over (2 Caucasian teenage couples, assuming seniors). Normally I am aware of those around but not typically dialed into the situation. The boys in the situation were determined to ensure everyone knew theirs. They made loud comments about how they should have gone to outback or Texas Roadhouse. The were verbally frustrated at the service and the way their food came after grilling the server about the menu and how the things were made or tasted.

When their food came they made the server stand there while they both saw if their steak was medium. Then continued the grumbling and disgust while the girls giggled. It was annoying and close to closing time so not many ppl to drown out their outbursts. R & I continued our eating and convos despite their interruptions. At one point I made R laugh and she started choking and laughing…and if you’ve met R she’s either quiet and moody or loud and silly. This was a loud and silly night. As a general rule I try not to censor her if it’s not inappropriate behavior. Side note: she has adhd and has a ton of intrusive thoughts and doesn’t get to verbalize a ton. When she’s with me not a lot embarrasses me so I let her get it all out so she does her “good behavior” aka be quiet and not seen stuff when with others. Well she was laughing loud (as many do) and then making choking sounds (don’t worry she was ok) and one of the boys started mocking her. Just as I was starting to speak up, R stopped laughing and told them to basically shut up or she’d beat them up 😂😂 I squashed that quickly and R and I talked about how it wasn’t worth it and how they had to live the consequences of their poor behavior. She thought for a moment and said “you’re right Joy…see that’s why I don’t like white people (not you Joy) but people like that.”…. It was tough not to agree with that sentiment as I watched those teenagers be entitled, rude and have zero consideration for the servers, the fellow diners or even how they were acting. I ended up saying something to my server and ensuring that table’s servers tip was covered.

While I’ve always known that I like when things are in harmony and people get along, what I can’t get behind is not saying something bc it makes things uncomfortable. I learned lately that when myself or others are not considered it makes my blood boil. Doesn’t matter the why, it matters the intent. Just bc someone is having a bad day doesn’t mean they get to take it out on someone. If someone can’t afford something, being mean to people to give a reason for why their bill should be comped isn’t right (in my opinion). I remember some years ago a friend at the time told me that hurt ppl hurt ppl as an explanation for their behavior towards me. I countered that that phrase is an explanation for those who’ve been hurt by that not an excuse to act in poor behavior due to hurt.

R and I drove home in silence and even 24 hours and it still stuck with me. My dad drilled into us about how to treat wait staff and delivery people. And also that creating safe space for others to belong was foundational as Jesus followers. When I experience people without regard for that it does something in me. I’ve asked myself if I should have been more vocal, there are about 10 tongue lashing stories I have in my head for the scenario. Or did I respond the right way. What is the point that takes us from bystander to advocate or to action. I don’t know what the point is, but I walked away disappointed in those teens and also how they represented themselves and my culture to others. We are all representing more than ourselves in every situation and sometimes it is hard to keep that in mind. What I do know is it doesn’t take much to be kind and have consideration for others. Thanks for joining me in the deep end today. May you give and receive consideration this season!

[joyfuldeepend]

Thank You Next

I was reminded recently why God doesn’t give me more than a step at a time notice. The moment he does I have zero patience and want to take the step even if it’s months away. I always think I’m going to do better and it will help me prepare. Guess who’s wrong lol!

After another set of 3 months of foster teen support ending in more destruction, spending the morning of my birthday navigating a fight, the police and an arrest (not mine)…I knew it was time to take a beat and evaluate my status. I took the month of August to pray and check in with God, my passion and my path.

During that time of introspection and prayer some potential opportunities came to light. Despite the life altering things they would bring, I felt excitement and peace around the change. It confirmed what I had been leaning towards and I made the decision to not renew my foster care certification. There were a lot of tears, fears and why God within that time, yet I can’t deny doing what I know is right…although my heart has not found it easy. I don’t know what the future holds for me in foster care, as God and I wrestle with my desire and His will and protection.

While the next move is not set in stone (though what is 🤪), I know it will happen when my lease is up in April 2024. As I count down to the time the Lord has been really clear about me creating space and not filling it with new things or productivity. I’m a doer and a fixer and so I’m both anxious about the in between time and resolute in my response. I’ve been doing a lot of coloring, crying, listening to podcasts, purging and letting go of what I thought I knew over the last couple months.

I was encouraged, by some very wise women, when I turned 40 to fight like hell for the person you are! I continue to battle feelings of selfishness and guilt as I think of what I feel I have left undone. I told the teens who have filled a large part of my heart for the last two years. I knew it was necessary to give them time to come to grips with it and shift into what will be our new style of relationship. I thought fight like hell would look a little different but here we are learning that it can all feel like hell and it can all be worth it too!

I’m thankful for what has been and the almost 3 years of this chapter of my journey…and I’m facing forward to the next. My heart is a little squishy and hella vulnerable…and hanging on like hell to what I know to be true! Thanks for diving into the deep end with me once again!

[joyfuldeepend]

Pushing Through

Some days I find it so interesting just how close my feelings as a teenager are applicable to the teenager in my home. It makes me wonder if it is a universal experience or just God knowing what he’s doing in who He placed with me.

The signs my teen is going through something are her room is a disaster area and she avoids me. She gets moodier and moodier the more distance, emotional or otherwise, there is between us. I’ve spent my life with the desire to be pursued, they say the thing you desired as a kid is the thing you look for or do as an adult. I’ve said to friends and to my kids, it’s a blessing and a curse that I don’t give up and will pursue even when you push me away. So you’re welcome and I’m sorry.

When behavior and disobedience pushes me away from my teen…it’s time to lean in and push through. One Saturday night she didn’t come home without permission. That Sunday she missed curfew and showed up minutes before midnight. She didn’t go to school on Monday, despite being up and able bodied to go. I came home about 8:30pm that day and she was asleep, so I did the annoying parent thing and woke her up. Pressed about why she didn’t honor her commitments. She did all the teen things that made me want to walk out. But Jesus gave me to her. So I invaded her space, got close and hugged her and said nothing.

It didn’t take more than a minute till she started crying and self loathing. I just listened, affirmed her feelings and then gave her the facts. The facts about being a teenager and how it’s the worst. That fact that I don’t need anything from her, so I’m the easiest person to let down rather than her friends/sister. The fact that her disobedience doesn’t disappoint me for me, rather for what I know it does to her mind/emotions. The fact that everyone needs help. The facts that she can have a future and hope. The fact that she can’t get rid of me easily, even when I think maybe I’m not the best support for her and should throw in the towel. The fact that her room gets messy when she’s depressed, just like mine is currently. 🤦🏻‍♀️😊

I don’t know if I’m doing the parental thing right. If I’m being too much of a “white” parent vs a “black” parent, as they call it. I often wonder if it’s just manipulation or if I know what I’m doing, however she ended up cleaning her room and talking to me…for now that’s enough for me. For now I will continue to push against what feels comfortable. To hug her when she’s prickly. To buy her Chipotle when she has bad grades. To not withhold good things or limit things to positive behavior and things that make my life easier.

When I was a kid and into my teenage years I just wanted someone to come after me. When I was mad I wanted someone to talk to me and break through the barrier. When I was in a bad mood, I wished someone would try to understand me and help me understand myself. So while I still yearn for those things, I will create what I crave and watch it transform their perspective and if I’m lucky maybe impact their trajectory. It’s not easy, nothing worth having ever is, however this is the joyful deepend. Thanks for being along for the swim friends!

[joyfuldeepend]

Eggshells!

Walking around on eggshells! This phrase makes my blood run cold and all the shame fills every part of my body when I hear it. It’s honestly my worst fear and yet I acknowledge people experience it around me. I wish it wasn’t the case, I wish people would experience me as approachable and safe…this is what I try to create.

What I’ve come to realize is that my big emotions are scary to others. Hell sometimes they’re scary to me too. However I don’t avoid them because of the strength that comes from them. What I realize is that more often than not others avoid them, and by default avoid me. I’m skilled at navigating and understanding what I feel. However to others it seems too much.

I’ve taken the too much and the fear others experience to be my responsibility to alleviate. The last time someone said the eggshell comment to me was the first time I paused and didn’t give any explanations. Instead I said it’s important that the people in my life stick with me, if you can’t I understand, however if you won’t give me the opportunity to walk through this together or the space to walk through it apart, than our relationship (in whatever capacity) can’t work.

I’ve decided I’m giving up on the responsibility to ensure everyone feels comfortable around me. Stopping from ensuring they are comfortable with my responses or emotions. Today I realize I rarely have been granted that luxury by others. Relationship is messy, in all it’s forms, we either get in and get dirty or we stay out of relationship and our carpets stay pristine. There is a reason I refuse to have coasters in my house and my response to stains/spills/breaking stuff is always “you matter more than stuff and it can be replaced”. I like some nice things, yet I love messy people more. Plus I can clean up when they leave, when I’m with them let’s get messy and let’s dive into the deepend. Emotions, fears, stories and all! Take me or leave me…this is still what remains!

[joyfuldeepend]

I Want More For You!

Something I’ve come to understand more, as I fill a parental role. The desire to want something more for someone than they want for themselves. Hope even when evidence fails to show that it is warranted. The idea of forgiving 70 times 70 and new mercies every day. These concepts that I’ve been taught God exhibits felt so foreign and a farce until there is a kid in the picture.

I grew up with a desire to be the good girl. To do what was good and to not need help or grace, because there was none for me to offer to myself. It was always a pass/fail in my mind and I was always failing on my own and hated myself for it. However the older I‘be gotten the more I recognize the need to fail and to still be safe and received in safety.

I told K the other day that every time she tells me something I have hope that it will be true that time. Her actions have often shown me it is unlikely the truth, however the parent in me holds out hope it will be true THIS TIME! I’ve preached the definition of insanity and how it we cannot do the same thing expecting a difference result. However apparently that is what parenting sometimes looks like. Constantly believing that another chance will be the right amount of times for a new behavior to begin. That the motivation will be there this time.

Real talk, the human side of me wants to throw away Easter baskets and withhold gifts/kindness when disappointment and trust is broken time and time again. The Jesus within me asks me to forgive one more time and offer kindness and safety to return from failure again. I find myself saying words I hear God whisper to me often. You’re going to be ok…it’s not too much for me to handle…I love you even though…I love you more than you could ever know…the list goes on and on. I’m mesmerized by this experience and also wonder just how God does it, cause some days I am straight up exhausted…and yet I’m starting to believe Him and take him at his word. Cause for the first time in my life I’m starting to get it…and want to accept his grace.

This is Love, this is Foster care, this is the joyful deep end friends!

[joyfuldeepend]

Sometimes I am The Bad Guy

K stood before me sobbing. Late at night I’d stopped waiting for her and shown up to where I knew she was hiding from me. She laid out her fears and anger at the last 5 months and at me and while my heart broke and it was also resolute. I found myself saying something to her, that in turn healed something within me. She told me how I let her down in her darkest time and how everything that was supposed to help her, hurt her more and she didn’t know how I could do that to her. I told her it was ok to be mad at me, I could handle being the bad guy for her as she works through her story.

In the moment I wanted to give her my context and help her understand my intention and the bigger truth. Yet I am confident in that moment she couldn’t hear those things, she only needed for it to be ok to be mad at me and to be scared. Me telling her my perspective in that moment would only cause her to shrink, for her healing I need all the feelings to be safe to be felt and spoken.

As I said those words to K, my younger self felt relieved as she needed those words too. This parenting journey lives in the AND. In some moments I am both the bad guy to her AND I am her rescuer (with Jesus’ help) AND the choice that led to it was the best choice for the bigger picture. Her piece was hurt AND yet bc I made that choice I am healthier and more equipped to help her now. AND we both learned some hard lessons apart for what we took for granted. It’s not the way I wish we learned it, however it is the path the story unfolded. And for now I can handle being the bad guy because I know what is true and sometimes what feels bad is really for our good.

For now I will give permission so it’s not bubbling up inside of her consuming her. I remember how that felt in my own story. Now it’s in the open and I can ask about it, call it out and also show her the AND. My goodness the last 5 months hurt like hell AND also my soul is well!

This is not the end or the beginning, this is another chapter of the story God is writing that we get to be in together. It’s scary af AND the journey that makes me feel the most alive and resolute.

This is love, this foster care and this is the joyful deep end friends!

[joyfuldeepend]

And now what….

Hi to all my deependers!! It’s been awhile since I’ve had the capacity to write anything. I’d love to say it’s because life has been busy and I’ve been thriving. However, just like my kitchen calendar, I’ve been stuck in October. When things ended abruptly with the girls it crushed something in me and I haven’t figured out how to untangle it.

Seasonal depression seemed to invite itself in and I’ve been fighting to keep my mind above water. Increasing meds, talking to doctors and trying to just keep…moving. Busy days are best because when it slows down the ability to even get off the couch seems insurmountable.

I keep looking at the dates and holding on for the day when sunlight will return. When the afternoon sun will warm my face and the desire to move and engage will return. When the grief of this season will feel like a distant memory.

My therapist reminds me to sit in and feel the grief and not push it away. I often would like to push her away 🤪😂…because I can’t breathe some days from the weight of all the things I feel. So I lean in and feel it and swim up towards where the sunlight crests the water and my peace awaits.

I’ve had contact with all the girls, who’ve been in my home this past year, within the past few weeks. I’m working towards trust and relationship with the sisters as I discern what our future could look like. My mama’s heart yearns for their laughter and shenanigans to fill my silent home and my adult sense waits for relational stability wisdom.

This isn’t the only thing in my reality (oh the work & dating stories you’d need popcorn for) and yet it often feels like my world. I told my therapist that there was something that was awakened in me, something that finally made sense in me as their foster mom. This awakened part of me doesn’t know what to do with itself in this season. It cries out and is left to wail without response. I resist the urge to tie a bow on my life and journey. For those who this feels dark and like too much, I often say I’m too responsible for suicide so don’t worry for that portion. Worry about how our system treats foster kids. Worry for the kids that won’t have someone tell them they’re loved this season. Worry for kids who’s parents breed trauma in their children. Worry for the next generation. For me I will survive, so let me be sad, let me talk without a direction as I wrestle with this. For people who need tangible things, send random texts, food and gift cards as you desire…but most of all ask me “and now what”…and just listen 💜

It’s deep here and it’s also the joyful deepend friends! For where great love was, deep loss is felt!

[joyfuldeepend]

Shattered Pieces

Shattered picture frames, shattered hope, shattered peace, shattered dreams & my shattered heart. My mantra these days is that loving deeply means grieving deeply and it keeps me from regretting the choice to love and give myself fully to my call and my dreams.

In a nutshell the last month-ish has been full of trauma, police reports and navigating difficult things for my home. The cliff note version is it started with breaking up a fight of about 15 people who tried to jump one of the girls outside my door. Then escalating to multiple weekends of running away, people trying to break down my door, sneaking boys in (oh the stories I could tell), violating safety house rules on multiple levels and then what I didn’t think would ever happen…the process of removal.

One thing about me is that I’m rarely afraid in any surrounding. For the first time I’m dealing with fear of my surroundings and even being in my home. As each kick on the door sounded, with the glass still shattered and strewn about on the floor (from the destruction exit) my panic became deeper. I was locked in and no more safer than from the outside. The girl I love is no longer there as the lies/destructions woo became too much for her not to succumb to their lure.

Two weeks later and I still cry randomly, bring them up in conversation like they’re still here and work to rebuild what’s left behind. I honestly didn’t think my life would ever be without K, given the option, and I’m still in shock that all that remains are pictures of our time together and the memories held in my shattered heart.

I told my therapist I hate being sad and I’m ready for next…but I’m not. I’m not ok…and I hate that. I still go to work every day, I still make food, go grocery shopping, read and I still daily check my phone to see if they’ve called. I’ve closed my home till after the holidays, as I know the wisest thing to do is to make sure I’m good again before inviting children in. It’s hard to be “selfish” and not help in fostering when I know the need is great. The opportunity to reevaluate and pivot is here and so I get to use this season to do just that. It’s not how I planned to spend the holidays, however it is what’s happening.

I said recently that something came alive in me as a foster parent that now feels aimless. Someone reminded me that it’s still alive and just has the opportunity to find a new muscle and outlet. This experience is increasing my love muscle and expanding my capacity. I’m grateful for my church and my community that literally held me when I collapsed in grief as I tried to walk into church, sat with me while I waited multiple times for the police, sent me food and reminded me that this isn’t the end and it’s ok to stand up for myself too.

So here I sit in my home…alone. The house is quiet and the streets continue their noises and I often wonder if it’s the girls. My home feels empty, but this weekend I’m starting the process to reclaim the peace and safety within it. Twice in the last month someone has tried to knock down my door to bring harm and be lying if I said I wasn’t still jumpy…but I’ll keep moving. My physical barricades are down, the space being rearranged, the glass cleaned up (as I keep finding it) and my home getting “righted” (at least in the physical portion). This weekend I reset and prepare for how I will do battle back to “even” as I dig through the grief, the fear, the panic and the uncertainty. To be clear I do not regret my decision to be a single foster mom, to take K in (and the others that came along) and love her deeply and even with this “ending” I wouldn’t trade a thing. Cause I got to see how God can love me, no matter how many times I eff up and still show grace in boundaries…cause that’s what I got to do for 11 months. So here’s to the now, the new and the next all a product of what has been. Thanks for cheering me on friends and for diving in the joyful deepend!

[joyfuldeepend]

Maybe It Doesn’t Have To Be This Difficult

My emotions and head space have been a roller coaster over the last month. Right after New Years I came the closest to what I would call a mental/emotional breakdown. I couldn’t find my way up and while I still managed to keep life moving (work, grocery shopping, kid stuff) I spent more time in bed and just counting down the hours till I could go back to bed. Work had become so overwhelming and I asked for help and while there was sympathy there wasn’t the help that I had helped for….so I started looking for what could actually help.

I sat my girl down and told her what I was going through. I shared the cursory information about what I was feeling. I told her that none of it was her fault or her responsibility to make sure I was ok. She asked me if I was ok and I said internally no, however she could still depend on me to go to work, wake her up for school, go grocery shopping, make dinner and etc. I conveyed she might notices me looking a little more down and less exuberant than normal. However I also told her that it was never going to be her responsibility to make me happy or not feel sad and let her know I was seeing a therapist and working with a support system.

It took me the better part of a month to find a doctor (had already started with a therapist) and get an appointment. And this last week the appointment finally arrived. It went well and yet as we talked about my ability to function with my anxiety/depressions levels she recommended putting me on antidepressants that are also helpful for ppl with chronic pain (like mine from my Tourettes) and while I was externally going through the motions of engaging in the conversation, internally I was already in tears and afraid…cue story about being raised ultra religiously conservative and not believing in the whole doctor thing and still having trigger responses to my faith not being able to heal me. I’ve had the prescription for a day now and I’m both terrified to begin taking it and so hopeful of what it could bring.

Here’s the deal I’m a fan and cheerleader for anyone in my world to use whatever works for them to get the support/help they need. For each of us the answer is different and our come froms impact that greatly too. So for me this step is hard and a huge one for me. I remember once someone told me that they didn’t believe that people who followJesus shouldn’t be haunted by things because it spoke to their level of faith. These are the kind of words that play in my head as I get ready to start this medication journey. This week I had a thought …what if everything doesn’t have to be this hard?? What if this medication actually helps and I don’t have to try so hard at everything. What a beautiful thing that could be.

So here I go on this journey to see if medication can help my situation. And I’m teary eyed to give up trying to keep it together on my own and also really really really hoping for some relief. My life motto is to do what is right and not what is easy and though I’ve had people talk about this being an easy fix…this doesn’t feel easy to me at all. You might wonder why I would share this and I wonder sometimes too. I have learned that living in the shadows just keeps me isolated and while all parts of my story are not for everyone, many parts of it is for everyone…because this is my life, my attempt to stay honest and living out as Brene Brown would say to stay “awkward, brave and kind”! Thanks for diving in the joyful deepens with me friends!! Bottoms up 🥂

Boundary Caveat: While I’m grateful for those who will read this and engage with me, I will ask that you refrain from offering advice about how to deal with my mental and emotional health. Happy to hear stories and sit in the uncomfortable with you, however the journey for my health is with my doctor and those in the arena with me.

[joyfuldeepend]

This is 38

The last year+ has been devastating, victorious, emotionally excruciating, good, full of growth and not wasted. Creeping up on 40 and a year with a ton of time for reflection and getting to choose how I would respond to adversity has taught me quite a bit. I am celebrating a few things as I mark another turn around the sun.

Victory in my health. Sometimes a Facebook post really can change your life (THANK YOU Bailey King). I’ve worked to let go of over 90 lbs. and a ton of emotional chains with them! I’m learning how to love and interact with a whole new me on many levels (lots more to come on that).

Learning to trust myself and be ok when others disagree. Which as an enneagram 2w3 is a major feat in my mind!

This year I made some literal and emotional moves to be able to launch into a new chapter of my life (more to come on that soon).

In my health journey, our leader encouraged us to set non food rewards for achieving goals along the way. I knew pretty quickly what I wanted my reward to be however I was scared. I have not yet had a “life event” that has felt like it warranted a photo shoot. So when I hit my first major milestone I started working to fulfill that reward. I reached out to multiple photographers without response and almost gave up...but I realized I was giving up on prioritizing celebrating myself (which I’m terribly good at). So grateful for Bekah @ rebekahjoyphotography.com who said yes and literally brought something I could barely see to reality plus some. She walked through my tears, vulnerability and with the help of a 2000s play list brought this to life!

This is me at 38 (and a little bit)…

I started introducing her a few years ago and this year it feels like she (meaning ME lol) is ready to be fully known. This year is Joy…my name that had always been mine and yet I haven’t known how to fully embrace her. 

Deborah “the warrior” has always seemed more enticing (literally tattooed on my wrist) 

and yet when I think about my legacy and what I want others to experience with me…it’s Joy. 

My strength has carried me far and I’m sooo grateful for her and now she is joined by Joy (my middle name). This is me…this is Deborah Joy or Joy for short.

So grateful for another year of life and much more goodness ahead as I continue in the joyfuldeepend. Keep leaning in friends and celebrating all those events because you are the life event.

Special thanks to the Jones family for being so hospitable and letting us use their farmhouse for this photo shoot.

[joyfuldeepend]

Recently I had the sex/birth control/choice talk with my foster daughter. It’s not often you go from zero to adult conversations in the space of a couple months into parenting. However when your first placement is a teenager it’s off to the races.

The idea of a sex talk is a bit of a touchy one for me given my ultra conservative foundational upbringing. Plus I’ve always felt sensitive around it because I somehow was left out in the conversations from my parents…they thought they had, but didn’t. Unfortunately it served to affirm the tape I used to have that I didn’t matter and that I was forgettable. I have come to recognize that those items in my life are of deeper meaning to me than others who observe them. To my horror one year (one of the only years I was dating someone at Christmas) one of my sisters gave me an anatomy book to “fill in the blanks”. I got to tell my then boyfriend why everyone thought it was so funny and be reminded of how different my journey was in comparison. In all fairness I’ve never confessed that to my sibling because I didn’t want to admit just how impactful, something that felt like an awkward right of passage, meant to me. I’m confident it wasn’t about the conversation…it was the lack of making sure I had what I needed. Instead I learned through movies and having to ask my girlfriends (at a much later stage in life) what things were and how they worked.

I’m confident the conversation I had was very different than the one I would have encountered. My foster daughter comes from a very different background and it’s very important to me that I meet her where she is and equip her with the journey she is walking. Creating safe places for conversation, screwing up and asking questions is monumentally important to me. I don’t have it all figured out and I could puke at the idea of what the next step of this conversation will bring. However what it won’t bring from me is shame and hiding. It will bring lots of information for informed choices and guidance to a future built on those choices. As I told her today, ever choice has a consequence…some good and some “bad”…so if we want to make grown up choices we accept the consequences that come with them. If we’re ready to make those choices then we have to show it and be armed with what we need to be successful in those choices. I feel semi successful because apparently she recounted the conversation with the guy she’s talking to. Told him while she wasn’t ready now when she is she plans to have a conversation with me first to be sure she is prepared for what will come.

So here we are…I kind of had hoped driving would come first. But I’m also grateful I’ve wrestled with these things and am finding my way in time to give her real life examples of the good, the bad and the trauma that comes from these choices. Y’all pray for me!! Thank you for diving in the deep end with me friends!!