#Jonas and The Scratch Professor Pick Me Up

[the-guccidamn]

a decade; an entry.

it’s december 31st and weirdly enough, i just want to cry. over what? i have no idea, i am still trying to figure out. maybe because it’s not only the year ending, but a whole ass decade. maybe because exo is having a concert right now and i stopped streaming because i am afraid it might really be their last. maybe because the holidays, in general, are making me upset. i don’t know, i just feel upset.

but i wanted to do a recap just for the sake of it. scratch that, tbh i am just one of those sentimental human beings who love going back and remembering. 

so here goes.

2010

graduated elementary with flying colors. valedictorian. i remember being just so eager to learn, to be the best, to achieve and achieve and achieve things - as many as i can. i remember entering high school and being blown away by the presence of new people. high school made things more interesting - socially. i belonged to squads. i had legit crushes that turned into heartbreaks (or so i thought back then). high school drama was also prominent, was it even high school without it? everything was just so new, refreshing, interesting and there i was still trying to be on top of it - in a good way. or not. i tried to blend in, to belong, whilst aiming for that first honor medal. this was also the year i cried for the first time because i was not able to attend a damn concert. i hate u justin bieber for making me feel distraught that day in may. i also hate the fact that i did not know it was going to be our last annual family outing. corregidor was still a place to revisit though, thanks to the history attached to it - no, i don’t think i liked their beach very much.

2011

a continuation of the eager version of me. you know this year might have been my calmest and chillest year had it not been for the fact that my family’s life turned upside down. my dad got diagnosed with cancer and well, you can say nothing has been the same ever since. it wasn’t until i am typing this that i realized how traumatic that year was. sudden visits to the hospitals. me being on edge all the time. me trying to be the same eager vane who wants to achieve as many as she can to make her parents proud, while trying to hide the fact that she is so so SO SCARED of what might happen. looking back, i tried so hard to busy myself with academics, with friends, just so i wouldn’t have to dwell with my family’s current situation. home made me so stressed - emotionally and mentally, but i couldn’t just run away because i knew back then that it would be such a waste of time and energy and just - i did not wanna regret anything. it was also the year when i sprained my ankle during sparring. we took Taekwondo classes - would have been a black belter or somewhere close to that if we continued it though, i mean maybe.

2012

the inevitable happened. 5 became 4. and i don’t know. to be honest, i am currently contemplating whether or not i have cried enough during that year, or even allowed myself enough time needed to just feel the pain because i don’t think it has healed yet. or will it ever be healed? does time really heal all wounds, or does it just make them more tolerable? it is pathetic but i can trace everything that i have been hurting about lately to this year alone. my heart literally breaks every now and then, and every now and then i try so hard to mend it because who wants to live the rest of their lives with a shattered heart? goodness me. i spent the summer of it acting though, and preparing for my first ever musical appearance. the workshop was satisfying as i got compliments for my acting. little did they know that every day i attended it was me already acting out that i was, in fact, okay and not on the verge of crying. it’s funny because 2012 was also the year when a huge turn point of my whole identity happened. it was during the time when i was tolerating the pain of having my wisdom teeth removed, and out of boredom i searched One Direction on Youtube - the rest was history. One Direction literally became my savers, distraction, whatever you can call it. It was unhealthy, in some part, yes, but at least I do not feel devastated, at loss, sui***al. It was such a big change. I am still the eager vane who tried to achieve and achieve but now a new reason was added, it’s to be worthy of asking a concert ticket just in case 1d decided to pay Manila a visit. I was such a sucker for them. it was when i discovered stan twitter, new people who are also “like me”, exposed to new cultures, time differences, the fangirl culture - oh the fan parties what fun. I hated and loved niall, louis, liam, zayn and harry (OH HARRY) at the same time. along with my fangirl awakening, 2012 was the year when i attended my first ever concert. it was of the jonas brothers. i won the ticket through twitter out of sheer desperation (i even skipped school because i was just so upset at the thought of not going) and then there i was. found myself inside moa arena, alone, in lowerbox. and when when you looked me in the eyes played, a wave of feelings hit me. i felt at home. the moment, i left the arena, there was a newly discovered need of attending concerts inside me already. i also got braces this year.

2013

if this was the peak of 1d, this was the peak of my high school life i guess. or was it because i was in my fourth year? nonetheless, i remember just feeling so high that year. figuratively. i was so busy with academics and fangirling i had no time to feel low. do you get what i am saying? it was sort of the year where everything in my life is fitting into places. i really busied myself with trying to achieve as many as i can because i wanted to be the class valedictorian. i joined the interschool youth month event - there’s a fake council meeting we had back then, and i remember feeling so giddy that they picked my proposal. i also made friends with the people i met there. i had felt accomplished when i was able to write and finish a script for a play - which i also directed, and played in. i felt so so sooo proud of myself for performing a monologue during the talent contest of the most outstanding student of muntinlupa, and even more so when i learned i placed 12th. i felt so accomplished for being the student council’s president, for contributing to the choreo of our cheerdance, for winning the field demonstration, for having lots of hohol with friends, for getting a passing score during the mock UPCAT, and even more so for passing UPCAT, and even UST (damn you, Ateneo). 2013 made me feel i had everything figured out.

2014

Assumption College - man, I did not expect to end here. an all girls’ school, really? but it’s still a prestigious one so...... i hated myself for not pursuing UST or UPLB. talk about culture shock, this was what this year was all about. it’s a blur now, honestly. i remembered just trying so hard to belong again. i tried to blend in to the elite girls there - whilst sticking to my identity. i did not join any clubs, although i wanted to, because as an academic scholar, i had to see if i would be able to balance them out if ever. but i also remember trying to fulfill my uaap dreams - it was the year i became so obsessed with uaap men’s basketball (hello, von pessumal), i went to real games (thank u sweet anne and vhon) and i event went to the cheerdance competition. and it did not happen again lol. 2014 was just the year of frosh vane and everyone in college being surprised that i do well academically.

2015

now this is a pretty interesting year. would i like to relive it? 95% yes. the 5% is because this was the year zayn left 1d, broke my heart and had me healing it for 4 months. anyway, to start, i attended two concerts this year. 1st was The Vamps - this was just impulsive. i liked them but did not really stan. now idk the main reason why i pushed myself so hard to find a gen-ad ticket for their show - but hey their music was my jam back then, also i learned that gen-ad was for desperate people only because it was so high my acrophobia was shaking so there you go. i attended Graphika as well that year - i was enlightened of what my program could do, guess it was the start of falling in “like” for my program which i also chose impulsively. the second concert was the one and only, of One Direction. BEST DAY STILL. ONE FOR THE BOOKS. AN ACTUAL CONCERT I WAITED FOR. I REMEMBER HOW HAPPY I FELT THAT DAY DESPITE THE SHITTY EXPERIENCE OF LINING UP UNDER THE SUN FOR 11 HOURS (little did i know it was nothing compared to what i would be doing now). BUT MY GOODNESS, SEEING THEM FOR THE FIRST TIME LIVE, EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE ONLY FOUR, WAS ENOUGH. I FELT SO HIGH AND JUST GENUINELY HAPPY I WAS SCREAMING AND CRYING THAT NIGHT. I LOVE ONE DIRECTION 5EVER. I FELT SO LOVED BACK THEN IDK EXACTLY HOW IT HAPPENED BUT I JUST DID AND I ALSO REMEMBER NOT WANTING TO LEAVE THE CONCERT GROUNDS AND NOT WANTING IT TO END. but zayn left, 4 days later. man, it felt like a real breakup, and i did not even have a boyfriend so. thankfully, my school went through an academic calendar shift meaning we had 4 months of vacation so i was able to mend it during that time and enjoyed watching tons and tons of movies and series. also, my family was able to go to Baguio after so many years, there’s that. anyway i went back to school with a newly appreciation and knowledge for films whilst sporting my new short hair look. the first semester of my sophomore year was a blast - i felt like a real communication arts student for the first time. we spent our days editing, shooting, script writing, acting, concept making, IT WAS FUN AND I LOVED IT SO SO SO MUCH. even more so when my pieces got compliments and praises from my professors, i was so pleased with myself. the second half of 2015 was me putting a twist to my college life. i joined a club, and not just any club, i joined the school’s dance company. hip-hop team. with a legit coach (no pun intended). and dare i say it was life changing? i learned a lot since then. values that only a dedicated student-athlete can understand. looking back, auditioning for tadc (no matter how scary it went) was an A+ decision. i would audition again tbvh. it opened me to a new community and experiences not everyone has the privilege to have. trainings may have been tough but the bliss you feel after every successful run was enough to keep going. 

2016

I TURNED 18. it was the year i had my jade west phase. i had no regrets. it was the year when i had my first ever dance competition - we lost 1st place though, but it was motivation for me to not leave the group and continue to strive for the better. 2016 WAS THE YEAR FOR FANGIRL VANE. I SAW 5 SECONDS OF SUMMER. LIVE. IT WAS AS AMAZING AS EVER. after camping out for the first time just for the sake of buying a ticket with soundcheck inclusions, did not buy it myself though because i had a performance at the same time, I FINALLY GOT TO BE IN THE VIP MOSHPIT OF THE BAND I LOVE THE MOST. IT WAS A THRILLING ROLLERCOASTER NIGHT. I DANCED SO HARD. CRIED BECAUSE THE SONGS BROUGHT SO MUCH MEMORIES. FREAKED OUT BECAUSE LUKE MY BOYFRIEND HEMMINGS WAS JUST AN ARM AWAY. I ALSO GOT MICHAEL’S GUITAR PICK. I CAN SAFELY SAY I WON THAT DAY. I WANTED TO DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. 2016 was when i really busied myself in dancing. my first crissa competition and let me tell you how fulfilling it was to compete with top schools and perform on the same stage as them. who could have thought i would be performing at the big dome, right? it’s really just me and my growth as a dancer for 2016. oh and my slowly coming back to the kdrama/kpop world.

2017

EXO. THE PLOT TWIST OF MY 2017. the moment i impulsively attended THE EXORDIUM IN MANILA, i was in it for life. it was 1d all over again. I SPENT DAYS FANGIRLING, KEEPING UP, WATCHING FANCAMS AND VIDEOS. READING SEKAI FICS. ACTUALLY BUYING ALBUMS AND MERCH. AND WOW JUST A NEW FANDOM CULTURE TO LEARN AND DROWN MYSELF IN. EXO was meant to be though, knew it when i danced to Growl back in 2013 but never did i think i would be in it SOOOOO DEEP. THE IMPULSIVE DECISION TO ATTEND THEIR CONCERT WAS SO WORTH IT. I FELT SO SO SO HIGH AGAIN AND ANOTHER KIND OF BONAFIDE HAPPINESS. i am thankful to have found another distraction/motivation especially when things are getting hard in school. campaigns here, campaigns there. and thesis. stupid thesis. it’s really that thing in school that will make you cry. 2017 was also my last academic year. my senior year in college. and it changed a lot in school especially when you are part of organizations, it gets busier than ever, more schedules, you cannot keep up. i cannot believe i was able to balance thesis, academics and tadc especially on the last quarter of the year. had to study, submit requirements, train endlessly, at the same time i was honestly going insane. HOWEVER, TADC CAME IN 4TH PLACE DURING CRISSA FINALS with a team consisted of half rookies HU TO THE RRAH. I also became more committed to the team than ever :( i never expected it but i guess such things happen when you actually do like what you are doing. coach vimi also acknowledged me a lot this year :( i felt so pleased again.

2018

i really don’t wanna remember this year. after graduation, my mental health dropped to an all time low. i was paranoid, insane, anxious. it was the start. i also got an appendicitis and underwent appendectomy this year. but hey, on december i got a stable job at a well-known accounting firm (uh, what? right). earlier during this year though, i saw exo again for the 2nd time. it was bittersweet, i swore to do better for the next tour. and yes, for all it’s worth, for all those times i strived so hard to get an uno whilst being surrounded by org commitments and pagod na ako moods, i graduated magna cum laude from assumption college. still, a win for me. oh and 2018, i finally got my braces off.

2019

here it is, the last year year of this decade. what can i say? to be honest, it was just me holding my mental health in. there were worst days, but there were also the best days. best days include me lining up for 30 hours for an exo ticket (with camila, and surprisingly, my mom). it ended up with me feeling blessed and grateful, and my heart full. of course, there’s the concert itself. seeing exo for the third time doesn’t really feel different compared to the first time i saw them last 2017. they were down 3 members yes, but i still felt so happy to share that moment with them. that’s when i knew i was really in it for life. best days also include me accomplishing my tasks in my work with flourish, getting compliments from my boss. oh and it also includes the outings i had with my family. went to the beach twice this year - first in batangas, second in pagudpud. cried in batangas because it has really been so long and beaches remind me of the good old times. in ilocos, it went well, i am glad we got to see that despite our situation, outings like this are still possible. i am so glad to say, or rather write, that i am ending this year and this decade, with a calm heart. i am happy, as happy as i can be this year. we had a pleasant staycation during Christmas. and i finally handed in my resignation, plus i got to have 2 weeks off thanks to my approved VL. exo made me cry though :( i hope to see them still next year.

for 2020, and for the next decade, i hope to be happy. the genuine happy. i pray that my family would be healthy, stress-free and happy, and complete. i pray that everything will go well with my new job. i pray that i will be able to do more outings with my family (even internationally, please). as for the little things, i hope i can fix my back problems, i hope i can continue to write (even just sekai fics), i hope i can visit south korea for an exo concert, i hope i can attend more concerts, i hope for the little things that will make me happy. i hope nothing more but a healthy and bounty new year and decade for me, my family, my relatives, and my friends, especially to those who cared. i will also include the people who need it the most, and this country as well, because i just can’t stand seeing people have less while some have more. anyway, cheers.

[somemilanlove]

JoJo’s Biscuits

Day 1 coincidently fell on a Monday. I am not the kind of person who has to start something at the beginning of the week in order to make it happen. Truth be told this little journey of mine started Friday or Saturday night when Demarcus and I were watching Netflix, enjoying the quiet hum of the kids playing in their room. You see I had been tiptoeing around the conversation of lacking passion and purpose in my life for almost a month. Opening a window and bringing it up casually with him or close friends who would listen. I would ask them how they knew they had found their passion? What was it like? How could you be sure? I wanted something to light my fire in the same way his pilot training does for him, or the way coaching or photography does for others.

So here goes, day one, JoJo’s Biscuits. Not exactly a recipe I wanted to make since right now. I am following a 6 week program & its meal plan to lose 20 lbs I gained over the holidays and determined to get a physical transformation to prove 20 min a day and healthy eating can make it happen. That means as tasty and buttery as these things might turn out, mama gets to taste test only. Oh well. Here goes nothing.

Putting the dry ingredients together seems easy enough. It’s a simple recipe of self rising flour and baking powder and soda. The tricky part happens when I make my move to adding the final 3 ingredients.

It’s time for the butter. 3 Cold Sticks it reads. My mind says “this is def not a healthy recipe”, my mouth says, “I bet these are going to be some bomb ass biscuits”(oh yeah, I am leaving my filter off so if you’re easily offended, we may as well part ways now). I read the line and paused. “Shit!! I don’t have one!” I don’t have the tool mentioned here. I’ve never needed a “pastry blender” before and must have missed it when I read over the materials needed the night I ordered my curbside. After all I did not have biscuit cutters and had noticed in time to order those.

Well I better improvise. I read that you could shred the butter using a box cheese grater. Nope I don’t like using that thing. The butter will become melty in my hands and I don’t want to wash that thing! In hindsight i totally could have pulled my electric grater out off the top shelf where it silently waits to be used once a year. But instead I opted for slicing the butter into thin slices and using the end of my whisk as the “pastry blender”. Worked well enough too! I felt proud of myself for improvising on the spot and hurried to add the last 2 ingredients.

Eggs and buttermilk come easy enough. I measure making sure I don’t add too much buttermilk or let Addison accidentally drop whatever she’s playing with into my dough. She ,if you do not follow me on other social realm, is my headstrong 3 years old daughter. Getting her to settle down and slow down is almost near impossible without a threat to take her to her room and take a hand to her bottom. So I let her play next to me on her stool as she watched carefully asking what I was doing and played with whatever she had in her hands.

We wrapped the dough with freezer wrap and left it to rise while I got my workout in. When I came back our dough was ready for the next step & I started to think about the old training videos I watched as a young McDonalds employee.

Did you know they used to make their biscuits from scratch every morning? Yup, I must have buried that memory, but as I started to roll my hands in flour it came flashing in bits and pieces. I wondered if the biscuits were healthier the way I was making them compared to now. Do they add preservatives to them too? idk .

I hand rolled, patted and pushed and pulled at this dough ‘til it was perfect. Then the fight broke out.

I had not yet opened my set of the Chef Cuisine biscuit cutters, and now I couldn’t figure out how! They were a set of 3 white with red trim, one placed inside the other, held together by idk what kind of vacuum pressure and plastic cover. This godforsaken puzzle had Zero instructions. I looked and looked there was no twist this or pull that written anywhere! I jacked with it for a good 10 min circling and circling the little white pieces which seemed impossibly stuck to each other. A couple of WTF’s ‘& seriously though’s  later, I finally I started to pick between the clear plastic lid and the red rubber trim that lines the middle of the largest piece. Finally!! Aha!! its moving! My boys who had come home from school were looking at me like I was crazy and Jonas sarcastically comments “finally got it to move huh?” Yes! Yes I did! Ok !! here we go! We were back on!

I finished the final step, 3 rows of white semi-fluffy dough lined up ready to bake. I brushed them with egg and buttermilk, smiling the whole time and finally popping them into the oven feeling accomplished! Yes! They looked kind of like the picture in the book and I felt confident that they would be amazing. While they baked I made BoBo’s Classic gravy (a few pages away) which came out well enough but I will be remaking on its own day. I felt it could be better so it will be.

Part of this blog is to push me to excellence. I feel like I often to do things well enough, just enough to get by, but not ever excellent. And while I know perfection doesn’t matter and certainly has never mattered to me in particular, it’s not exactly what I’m striving for at all, it is something in me that I feel might be keeping me from hitting some pretty spectacular goals in life. From finding that one thing that so many people call passion.

The oven timer goes off, I flick the light on and boom!! Beautiful, golden brown biscuits! Are they all the way done? Are they mushy on the inside? Ugh!! I guess only one way to find out. I pull them out and they are PERFECT!! Zach walks by, smiles and asks “are those for us, because I’m hungry.” Completely unaware of the amazingness that just happened here.

I felt pretty accomplished at that moment. Proud to have done something all the way right! “Yes those are for you.”

I’ve often felt good about myself for completing something challenging and difficult, but Accomplished? Never. I don’t ever recall using the word or feeling that way. Nope, not until today. And i’ve felt and used it twice!

I’m curious now, how is it possible that something so simple can give me that feeling? I completed a 12 month nursing program taking 18 hours a semester, while juggling a new born & working 2 part-time night jobs (against everyone’s recommendations), a 4 year degree in 3 taking summer classes, enduring a pregnancy & juggling 2 boys as a single mother, working 2 jobs in my early 20’s. Walking across the stage I felt proud of my hard work, excited, nervous, scared and even embarrassed but not accomplished.

I’ at the time, had felt and still do feel I could have done better. My grades could have been all A’s, I could have chosen to attend a more challenging school, I could have chosen a more difficult minor. I could have joined clubs instead of growing a family.

Somehow even then I felt as if I had slacked during what most would see as my most difficult part of my life. Was it the failed marriage? The single mom of two status? The days I was late to class or how I rolled my eyes at my rude Chemistry professor when someone asked a question, knowing he would only berate them and never answer? Maybe it’s because of the few times I mini napped between checking on residents so I would be awake in class the next day? Why do all those little things take away from how well I had done?

I guess we will find out. Maybe. In the mean time i’ll have a biscuit. 

[thejoyofviolentmovement]

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Throughout his 20 plus year music career, the Copenhagen-based singer/songwriter  and multi-instrumentalist Jonas (born Jonas Rendbo)has been hailed by international press as the Godfather of Scandinavian Soul. During that period, the Copenhagen-based singer/songwriter has released a ton of music. which he has supported with tours…