#Joel just gives her a steel eye and says ‘No. Eat your food’ end of discussion

[steeb-stn]

Nooooo Jackson having a bad harvest or something etc etc and having a really lean winter

and all the adults try to keep it from the kids as much as they can and try to keep from putting them on ration portions as much as possible, even if it means adults get less

(They end up having to put the teenagers on ration portions for supper every other day and it just. Tears the parents up)

[punkrockmads]

The Moment I Said It

Unspoken Words part 1

Sarah's bedroom is illuminated by the warm yellow glow of the early morning sun. It isn't often she gets to sleep in. She normally has to be up before dawn for whatever assignments she's been given that day but today, she and Jesse get to start their patrol a little later than usual.

A soft knock on Sarah's bedroom door wakes her up. Joel. She lets out a tired sigh, stretching and standing up to open the door. She reaches for the cold metal handle, swinging the door open. Joel chuckles at her appearance. Her hair is messy and tangled and she's still in her pajamas. Sarah shivers, the shorts and tank top not providing much warmth. She wishes she could crawl back under her warm blankets.

"You better have a good reason for waking me up the morning I finally get to sleep in." Sarah yawns, rubbing her eyes with her palms.

"Are pancakes a good reason?" Joel asks, leaning against the doorframe with a grin. Sarah puts a finger on her bottom lip, pretending to think. The answer is obvious.

"I guess." She says with a tired smile. "Is Ellie still here?"

Joel shakes his head. "No, she wanted to get an early start on her patrol with Dina. Jesse's here, though."

"Oh, cool." Sarah says, a little deflated that Ellie's already gone but happy one of her friends is here. Ellie's been more of a sister to Sarah than a best friend since the girls met. You'd think they were actually siblings if you didn't know their beginnings. Sarah's mother passed away while giving birth to her. Her father passed away before she was born, leaving her in Joel's care with nothing but a tiny stuffed lamb she named Gus and memories that will never be made. Sarah sometimes wishes she could've known her parents; wonders what they were like. But she tries not to think about it too much. It's pretty normal for kids to lose their parents nowadays. She can't complain, though. Joel's stepped up and treated her like his own daughter. She'd even tried calling him dad once but he told her not to call him that.

Sarah leans out of the doorway, hanging onto the frame with both hands. "Hey Jesse!" She calls.

"Morning!" Jesse yells from somewhere downstairs. Sarah smiles. Jesse always has this cheerful tone that can brighten anyone's day.

"Alright, scoot. Get dressed. Your boyfriend and I are waiting on you." Joel nudges Sarah's shoulder teasingly.

"He is not my boyfriend." Sarah groans, closing the door in Joel's face.

"Yeah, that's almost exactly what Ellie said about Dina at first, too." Joel says through the door. He can practically feel Sarah's eye roll as he walks back downstairs.

Sarah gets dressed quickly, not wanting to keep the guys waiting longer. She laces up her black steel toed boots and throws one of Joel's old flannels over her tank top before grabbing Gus. She hugs the little sheep for a moment before going downstairs, passing the kitchen and going to the door to put the stuffed animal in her backpack.

"You know, if you didn't carry that sheep around, you'd have more room in your backpack for supplies." Jesse teases, standing beside where Sarah kneels, zipping up her bag.

"You leave Gus alone." Sarah stands up, shoving Jesse back with a playful smile. "He is my child and he goes where I go."

"Yes ma'am." Jesse chuckles, putting his hands up in surrender. Sarah moves to punch his shoulder but Jesse dodges and grabs her fist. "Alright, let's eat. We've got an hour before Maria wants us to head out."

"What route are we doing?" Sarah asks as Jesse pulls her into the dining room. Joel joins the teenagers, walking out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee and sitting in a chair at the end of the table. Sarah sits in the seat diagonal from him. People don't get to eat meals other than dinner at home often, usually grabbing food from the diner before heading off to do their daily activities so it's nice when they get to spend the morning talking amongst themselves and connecting with their families.

"Creek trails." Jesse answers, sitting across from Sarah. "Should be pretty simple, there hasn't been many infected spotted on that route for a while."

"That route is really pretty." Sarah says, taking a bite of her pancakes. "Especially now since it's Spring."

"You know, you could probably pick some wildflowers for your room." Jesse says, shoveling bites of pancake into his mouth. "Replace those dead ones you've had for ages."

"Yeah, that's a good idea." Sarah agrees.

Joel smiles, hearing the two talk about simple things. It almost feels like the world hasn't gone to shit. It almost feels like how things were before the infected; peaceful. He clears his throat, suddenly feeling a bit nervous. "Sarah, I've got somethin' to tell you after patrol if you're not busy."

"Is something wrong?" Sarah asks, looking at him with worried eyes.

"No. Nothin's wrong." Joel assures, putting a hand up to signal her to stay calm. "Just somethin' I gotta tell you."

Sarah nods, hesitant. "Okay." She says, turning her attention back to her plate of half eaten pancakes. She wonders what Joel has to tell her that he can't say right now. Is he dying?!

"It's Dina's turn to pick a movie tomorrow." Jesse says, successfully distracting Sarah from Joel's previous comment. The four friends always have a movie night with popcorn and expired candy every other Friday. It's a way to destress and relax after a long two weeks as well as bond with one another. Dina always picks shitty sci fi movies just to watch the other three cringe and laugh at them.

"Oh no." Sarah chuckles. "Please tell me you hid the sci fi movies."

"Yep." Jesse laughs, the three of them finishing their breakfast. "She'll never find them." Sarah stands up, carrying her plate into the kitchen. Jesse follows, taking her plate out of her hands. She reaches for it but Jesse is a good three inches taller so he holds it up, just out of her reach. He uses his leg to kick her away and sets both of the plates in the sink, turning on the water.

"Hey!" Sarah tries to shove past him but Jesse blocks her. "Guests aren't supposed to do house chores!" Jesse laughs at her failed attempts to get around him to the sink. He knows she's more than capable of shoving him out of the way but, since they're simply playing around, she's not using her full strength. Sarah may be small, but she's super strong for her slightly toned build. She prides herself more on her agility, stealth and quick thinking.

Jesse places the dishes and silverware on the drying wrack. "Too late." He grins, folding his arms over his chest.

"You suck." Sarah whines, tugging a lock of Jesse's black hair.

"Well, you swallow! Ow! Hey!" Jesse yanks Sarah's hand away as she laughs at him.

"Jesse, don't say that in my house." Joel complains, walking into the kitchen.

"Sorry, Joel." Jesse says as the teenagers move out of the way. They walk to the front door, grabbing their gear and going into the living room.

"Do you have everything besides Gus?" Jesse asks, double checking the magazine of his gun. Sarah does the same, making sure her 9mm is loaded. She tucks the gun into the back of her jeans, adjusting her shirt so it rests behind the gun, making it easier to grab in a rush.

"Yes, I do." Sarah replies, putting on her backpack and grabbing her bow. "And Gus is just as important as everything else in here so you hush." After making sure they have their gear, the two go to leave for patrol.

"Stay safe, kiddo." Joel says, hugging Sarah.

"Always." Sarah says with a smile, turning and walking out the front door. When she's out of earshot, Jesse gives Joel a small smile.

"She's gonna understand." He says. "It'll take time... but she'll understand."

"I hope you're right." Joel sighs. The old man rubs at his beard, looking to the floor with nervous eyes.

"It'll be okay." Jesse says, turning to leave. "See ya." He waves, running to catch up with Sarah who's waiting at the end of the walkway. Joel waves back, closing the door as the two walk away.

"So, have you managed to convince Ellie to move into the house yet?" Jesse asks, walking beside Sarah to the stables.

"Nope." Sarah sighs. "Pretty sure she likes the garage because it's easier to sneak girls over in the middle of the night." Sarah chuckles, remembering the time she accidentally walked in on Ellie and her ex girlfriend making out. Sarah wasn't really a huge fan of Cat. She was just too... normal. Boring. She can't help but admit she's much happier that Ellie is with Dina now. Even Jesse knows they're a better couple.

"I should've thought of that when my parents and I got here. Too bad we don't have a garage." Jesse chuckles. The sun shines down on the two friends, making Sarah's hair look like golden, silky curtains, moving gently in the cool breeze. The yellow glow is warm, making the chilly air more tolerable.

"What were you and Joel talking about?" Sarah asks as they walk into the stables, her curiosity getting the better of her. She doesn't like being nosey.

"Joel was just reminding me to get you back safely." Jesse shrugs, taking his horse from one of the stable workers. Sarah takes her horse, following Jesse out to the gate.

"C'mon, Ponyo." Sarah commands the caramel colored horse. Ponyo has been hers since she came to Jackson with Joel and Ellie. Sarah taught her to understand different commands using words and special clicking sounds. "He didn't threaten you again, did he?" She remembers the first few times she went on patrol with Jesse. Joel made sure he understood the consequences that would come if she got hurt.

"Nah, just a friendly talk." Jesse says before mounting his horse, Cobalt. Sarah mounts Ponyo, tying her bow to the side of the saddle with the rope. The gates open and the two set off.

The light Spring breeze rustles through the treetops, green leaves creating a harmonious, music-like sound. Horse hooves trample through the creek waters, causing tiny clear droplets to fly into the air and shimmer like stars. Wildflowers rest along the edges, basking in the sun's glow. The water rushes, blending with the sounds of the birds and insects.

"I think you should get a cat." Sarah says, changing the subject. Jesse rides not too far ahead of her, both of them scanning the treeline for infected they most likely won't find. It's better to be safe, though.

"What?" Jesse laughs, surprised to hear something so random. "Why a cat?"

"I dunno." Sarah shrugs, grinning when Jesse turns back to look at her with a puzzled face. "I just see you with a cat. Like a teacup kitten! Did you know that's a thing?!"

"What the hell's a teacup kitten?" Jesse asks.

"It's a kitten that can fit in a teacup!" Sarah says, enthusiastically. "Duh!"

"No way." Jesse snorts in disbelief.

"Uh, yes way! I saw them in a book!" Sarah cuts in. "Man... I wish I had a teacup kitten. Hey, do you think I could find a kitten one day?"

"Didn't you say you saw giraffes once?" Jesse recalls.

"Yeah, with Joel and Ellie." Sarah confirms, rolling up the sleeves of her flannel.

"Well, if you can find a giraffe, I'm sure you can find a cat." Jesse says. "Probably be harder to find one, though. They're not as big."

"One day, I'll own a dozen cats." Sarah decides. "I'll train them to attack infected."

"That'll be interesting to see." Jesse says as they arrive at the first outpost. The two of them tie up their horses in an open section of the building and head to the pallet covering a hole in the wall. Sarah stays quiet, pondering what Joel had said earlier that morning. "You good?" Jesse asks, moving the pallet out of the way and crawling through the hole.

"Yeah." Sarah says, quietly. She follows him through the hole, still stuck in her own thoughts.

"You're lying." Jesse points out, climbing up the rope into the office.

"I am not!" Sarah argues, pulling herself up to the floor.

"Yes, you are. I know you." Jesse says. He's right. He knows pretty much everything about her. He knows her almost better than she knows herself. He can tell when something's off about her from a mile away. "What's goin' on in that head of yours?" Sarah avoids his caring gaze, signing the two in and reporting the lack of infected.

"I'm just..." Sarah stands up, pressing a hand to her stomach, just over the scar that remains there from a bullet wound. Everyone believes she was shot by hunters. Well, everyone but Ellie and the Miller brothers. They know that she was really shot by a Firefly when they were escaping St. Mary's. She kept going as though she hadn't been injured at all. Joel didn't notice until they were driving away and he glanced over to see the blood seeping through her shirt. "I'm worried about what Joel has to say."

"Why are you worried?" Jesse asks, taking a few steps closer. Sarah looks up at him, gripping her shirt in her fist.

"What if... What if Joel is sick or he decided he doesn't want me around anymore?" Sarah's eyes widen at the confession of her greatest fear. "I know, it's stupid. But I'm always scared that people will get sick of me and just leave me behind." She grits her teeth, immediately regretting her words. What a dumb fear.

"Hey." Jesse takes Sarah's hand away from her shirt, holding it in both of his. His hands make hers look even smaller. They're warmer than hers, too. "Being afraid isn't stupid. But you will never be abandoned, okay? Joel's not leaving, Ellie and Dina aren't leaving, and I will never leave. You're not gonna be left behind, I promise."

Sarah smiles, something that Jesse can't help but feel extremely happy about. His own smile grows wider when Sarah hugs him. "Thanks." She says as Jesse hugs back. He rests his chin on her head.

"You're welcome." He responds. "And, Sarah?"

"Hm?"

"Whatever Joel tells you... just remember he really loves you." Sarah purses her lips, not sure exactly how to respond. She settles for nodding, cheek rubbing against his chest.

"C'mon." Sarah pulls away, adjusting her backpack with a little bounce. "Let's get this over with so I can get those wildflowers."

Jesse chuckles, following her to the rope. "Lead on."

Sarah and Jesse return to Sarah's house later that day, the patrol being fairly easy. Joel isn't home, probably out on his patrol route. Sarah lets out a deep sigh, setting her stuff down by the stairs and kneeling to dig around in her backpack. She pulls out Gus, pressing him against her chest as Jesse sets his bag beside hers.

"Think Ellie and Dina are home?" Jesse asks, handing Sarah the wildflowers she'd picked on their way back to Jackson.

Sarah shrugs, taking the flowers from him. "Should be. Probably in the garage."

"I'm gonna go bug them for a few minutes." Jesse grins, heading towards the back door.

Sarah simply nods, standing up to move into the living room. "Okay. Wanna stay and watch a movie 'till Joel gets back?"

"Sure." Jesse agrees. "You gonna cuddle with me instead of that toy?" He teases, gesturing to Gus.

"You know, I would've considered it but you called Gus a toy." Sarah raises a brow, a victorious smile on her face.

"Damn!" Jesse exclaims, pretending to be upset.

"I'll think about it." Sarah chuckles at Jesse's grin as he goes to greet their friends. Sarah's smile fades a bit when he walks out the door. She holds Gus tighter, searching the TV stand cabinet for a good movie to watch. She settles on a movie she's seen a million times but still adores; Coraline. After getting everything set up, she sits on the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting Gus on top of them, holding his little stuffed limbs in her hands. Before the movie can even start, the back door slams and Jesse runs into the living room.

"Do NOT go in the garage!" Jesse says with a mix of horror and disgust.

"Why? What's wrong?" Sarah asks, confused.

"Let's just say I may have walked in on something I shouldn't have." Jesse explains, sitting on the couch beside Sarah.

"Oh!" Sarah says, immediately picking up on the reason Jesse's face is a beat red. "Well, I guess they're not watching Coraline with us." She chuckles. Jesse groans, most definitely scarred for life. Ten minutes into the movie, Jesse gets sick of Gus getting all the attention. He reaches over and snatches him from Sarah, despite her protests, and pulls her into his side, an arm wrapped around her shoulders.

"You don't get a choice. You get cuddles." Jesse laughs. Sarah makes no attempt to pull away, burying herself further into his arms, instead.

"If you don't... give me Gus... right now... I will cut your hand off." Sarah threatens, voice low. Jesse hands her Gus, his other arm moving to wrap in front of her. She holds onto his arm with one hand, Gus in the other. Just as they've done for years.

"Hey, why do you think the Beldam chose buttons?" Jesse asks, watching the buttons change as the creepy Other Mother calls out colors.

"Cause she's crazy." Sarah mumbles, entranced in the movie. "She probably likes the pain she causes when she sews them to their faces."

"Kinky." Jesse jokes. Sarah elbows him in the ribs. "Ow! What is your deal with hurting me today?" Sarah just chuckles, forgetting all about Gus somewhere on the couch and wrapping her arms around Jesse's torso. She takes a deep breath and sighs, her flannel covering her like a blanket.

Joel comes back just before sunset, finding the two teenagers curled up on the couch, Gus laying by Sarah's feet. He can't help the fear he hides inside of him. He crosses his arms, clearing his throat. The two turn to look at him before being sucked back into the end of the movie. "Hello, you two." He greets with a smile.

"Hey, Joel." Sarah responds. "How was patrol?"

"Pretty good." Joel responds, sticking his hands the pockets of his jeans. "Sarah, I... I need to talk to you."

"Okay." Sarah says, standing and following Joel into the dining room. She watches as he sits in one of the chairs, gesturing for her to sit beside him. She does so, pulling up a chair and turning it to face him. She feels a bit anxious, looking at his worried eyes.

"What I'm about to say..." Joel starts, looking to the wooden floor. "I'm not sure you're gonna like it." This only makes Sarah more worried.

"Joel, are you sick? Did- are you infec-"

"I'm your dad." Joel cuts Sarah off, looking directly at her.

"Okay." Sarah snorts. "Funny joke." She chuckles before seeing the serious look on Joel's face. "You're not joking." Her eyes go wide, confusion mixed with so many other feelings. "Wait... how... what?"

"I didn't wanna tell you because I was afraid." Sarah blinks a few times, trying to piece everything together. Sarah just stares at him, a look of pure shock on her face. "Say something... please?"

"You told me my dad was dead." Her voice is almost too quiet to hear but Joel picks up every word. "You lied to me..." At that moment, Sarah's shock turns into anger and hurt. She stands up, almost shoving the chair backwards. "Do you know how many nights I stayed up wishing I had a mother or father and feeling stupid for even wishing it?! You let me believe the only thing I had left of my parents was a fucking stuffed animal!!" Tears slip down Sarah's cheeks. She gasps for air, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. She's confused. One hand goes to the scar on her stomach. "I even tried to call you dad and you shut me down!! You made me feel like you didn't want me!!" Sarah sobs, breathing heavier. It feels like no air is entering her lungs. It feels like she's drowning. "I felt horrible for wishing you were my real dad because I thought you'd never want me as your daughter!!" She doesn't notice, but Jesse stands just behind her, trying not to intervene and make the situation worse.

Joel stands up, reaching for Sarah. "Sarah, I-"

"Don't touch me." Sarah seethes, wiping her cheeks. A look of hurt flashes on Joel's shameful face. He never wanted to hurt her. All Sarah's yelling causes Ellie and Dina to rush in from the garage. Sarah backs away, bumping into Jesse before running upstairs to her room. Dina goes to follow her, Jesse close behind, but Ellie puts a hand up.

"I've got this." Ellie says, climbing the stairs to Sarah's room. She hears the sobbing and choked gasps, immediately knowing Sarah is having a panic attack. She wastes no time knocking, opening the door just enough to squeeze into the room and close it behind her. She finds Sarah curled up in a ball on her bed, desperately trying to get air into her lungs. She's only had a panic attack once before and it wasn't as bad as this.

Ellie rushes to her her side, sitting in front of Sarah and gently grabbing her shoulders. "Sarah, look at me." Ellie commands with a soft but worried voice. "Look at me."

"Ellie." Sarah sobs. Everything she believed about her past had just been completely changed. If Joel doesn't want her as his daughter, why did he tell her the truth? Does he feel bad for lying all those years? Does it keep him up at night? Ellie pulls her into a hug, holding her shaking body.

"You're okay." Ellie says, rocking side to side a little. "Take a breath. Breathe with me, okay?" Sarah nods, clinging to Ellie like a lifeline. "In...out...in... see, you got it." Ellie continues to take deep breaths with Sarah until her breathing evens out.

"Why did he tell me?" Sarah sniffles. Ellie grows confused. Why wouldn't she want to know?

"What do you mean?" She asks.

"Why would he tell me he's my dad if he doesn't want me to be his daughter?" Sarah pulls away, laying back on the bed.

Ellie immediately feels Sarah's pain. "Of course he wants you to be his daughter." She says. "He was just... he was scared."

"Ellie, the last time I called him dad, he yelled at me for twenty fucking minutes. He was so pissed I thought his head was going to explode. He. Doesn't. Want. Me! Why else would he lie to me?" Sarah cries, covering her face with her palms. "He let me believe I had no family." Ellie isn't sure how to respond. Sarah went her entire life believing she knew what happened to her parents only to find out it was a lie. She wants to be happy Joel really is her father but she can't get over the fact that he lied to her. It's silent for a moment before Sarah speaks again.

"So, you know... Who else does?" She asks.

"Uh... Tommy and Maria knew from the start. Jesse knew and now Dina knows." Ellie answers, fidgeting with her fingers.

"Jesse?" Sarah's surprised at first, remembering what Jesse said when ther were on patrol. "Of course." Joel had told him this morning.

"Is there anything I can do?" Ellie asks, wanting to be there for Sarah. Sarah rolls over, facing away from the door.

"I just need some time alone, please?" Sarah doesn't want to be mean to Ellie but she needs a moment to process everything.

"Okay." Ellie nods, rubbing Sarah's shoulder. "Do you want me to bring you some dinner?" Sarah simply shakes her head, closing her eyes. Ellie nods, patting Sarah's shoulder before leaving her be.