#Joel Miller fanficiton

[penvisions]

garnish {chapter 7}

Pairing: Chef! Joel Miller x Bartender! Reader

Summary: Reeling from a tense encounter with your professor, your emotions get the best of you. Self-destruction always makes for a good show to coworkers who don't have the whole picture.

Word Count: 4.9k

Warnings: violence, language, threatening behavior, misogynistic behavior, sexist language, threatening ultimatum, abuse of power, academic stress, academic anxiety, degrading talk from male characters, self-destructive behavior, home invasion, attempted break in, description of injuries, blood, injuries in the kitchen, dangers of sharp knives, intense emotions, readers internal monologue gets apathetic, reader has depressive and isolating thoughts, talk of injuries, self-depreciation, secret relationship, work relationship, power dynamics (due to job rankings), sexual content, allusions to sexual content, allusions to past feelings of inadequacy, reader gets in her head about life path, reader is having a tough time ngl, invasion of personal space, restaurant lingo, triggers associated with the food industry, smoking, cigarettes, use of tobacco, childhood trauma, reader reveals parentage issues, abandonment issues, past trauma, major angst

A/N: been struggling with this chapter for real, y'all. but the remainder of this fic is outlines and i'm beyond excited to get down to the nitty gritty with it. hope this feeds you well and happy holidays ♡

ao3 link || series masterlist || main masterlist || kofi

“Yes, my brother. He’s been keeping a low profile lately, trying to avoid suspicion that could land him in the hands of the authorities. He’s explained to me that you’re under the impression that he came onto you too strongly for your comfort and decided to submit a police report against him with the help of your boss.”

Surprise colored your features, not expecting this to be the reason why you weren’t being considered for something that would further your academic career, help you to establish yourself in your field of study.

“He put his hands on me in two different situations. He didn’t back off when I verbally told him I wasn’t interested. Then he proceeded to put his hands on me, attacked me outside of my place of work.”

“That’s what he said you would play it off as, but seeing the way that you interact with the gruff boss of yours, playing hard is what seems to be your prerogative.”

“If you want the internship, you need to drop the report. Tell them it was a lover’s spat or something, I’m not really too concerned with how you spin it. But drop it, or I will deny your application and tell my colleagues that while you’re a gifted student, you stir up trouble.”

You watched your phone ring for the umpteenth time. The name of the restaurant popping up, Millie’s name, Joel’s name, Mary’s name. A text from each of them in quick succession.

But you were numb, still seated in the chair across from the desk in the classroom. The sun had set already, the warm lights of the lampposts scattered around the campus the only source. The door still resolutely closed after your professor had left after delivering his two choices for you.

Scrambling as if waking up from a dream, you rushed through the campus and made your way to work.

“Use your safety words!” You shouted, disguising the rising of your voice at the sharp sting of the knife blade slicing through your skin in the heated words. You watched as the slice from the knife turned white before the cells caught up and blood began to bead, spilling from it quickly. The cutting board became stained, and blood made a sticky webbed pattern of splatter on the blade.

“I said behind, it’s not my fault you didn’t hear me!” The new guy had the audacity to raise his voice back at you. His face contorting into something ugly as he dropped the façade of keeping his cool.

“I would’ve heard you if you did say it!” You snarled as you whipped around, the towel normally kept tucked at your hip wrapped tight around your hand. Blood blossomed through the fabric almost immediately. You brandished it at the man. “This wouldn’t have happened if you had proper etiquette!” 

“Don’t blame me for not knowing what the hell you’re doing!”

You took a step toward him, good hand about to fly out and grip the front of his shirt. But you were stopped by the sound of the office door opening. Joel Miller filled out the doorway completely, his broad shoulders nearly brushing each side and it would be so easy a reach for him to touch the top of it. He glared around the kitchen, eyes hardening when they landed on the sight of you clutching a towel to a bleeding hand.

You had snuck in the day before, after the stressful interaction with your professor. The restaurant had been too busy to steal away any time with him and you were gone before he had been able to step outside of the kitchen. Overwhelmed and on autopilot for most of the night as the words of your professor echoed in your mind. You had texted him a perfunctory message, saying you had a migraine and would see him the next day and then proceeded to call Nia and vent to her over two bottles of wine that had been too sweet for your empty stomach.

You had snuck in today too, knowing he had to make an order before service started. This was your first time seeing him directly in nearly three days.

“What’s with all the hollerin’?” His eyes were hard, the brown of them dark as he took in the scene, the emotion and tension in the air. The sight of you worked up and a snarl pulling up one corner of your lips.

Before you could even open your mouth, the new guy was speaking in a mocking tone.

“Little miss bartender herself, chef.”

“I wouldn’t have if you had used your fucking safety words.” The words were low, vicious as your patience wore thin. You didn’t need this, especially not today. It had been hard enough to get into the headspace for work, let alone show up, and now you’re injured because some asshole thought he didn’t need to let people know where he was at as he moved around the kitchen space.

The already silent kitchen seemed to grow even more quiet at the harsh words that had fallen from your mouth. Taken aback by the breaking of your normally cool and collected demeanor, in face of the attack all those weeks ago, this was the only instance where you showed your raw emotions. Joel had taken a few steps from the doorway and began to make his way toward your station. His feet stilled when you spoke, the way you did so giving him pause. The manner in which the words had fallen from you stoked real worry deep in his chest. You never raised your voice, let alone spit words out in such a heated way.

Save for that one time you ripped him a new one about his inappropriate behavior when you had first started helping out in his kitchen. You were always polite and professional, cordial and jovial with those you were on closer terms with. This….this was foreign and it had warning bells going off in his head immediately. He hadn’t even seen you slink into the kitchen, the last concrete contact he had with you about maybe being late for work.

He was about to say something, to break up the confrontation when the new guy decided to dig his heels in and make an even bigger mess out of the situation. Joel noticed the way you didn’t step back as the younger man’s features morphed into a cocky grin and he took a step closer to you, getting into your personal space.

“You knew I was behind you, sweetie, you always have an eye on me and push that nice ass out toward me. Don’t play dumb. I know you like what you see. Too bad I don’t waste my time on pathetic, easy girls like you.”

The silence in the kitchen was deafening, the tension thick as everyone stopped what they were working on and watched you two stare each other down. It was no secret he hadn’t made any friends in the three weeks he had been here, too full of himself for people to want to talk to him. From the glares being aimed at him now, the feelings of ire flowing from everyone else in the kitchen. Joel felt the nerve in his jaw jump as he accessed the scene alongside everyone. He wanted to step in, but he felt frozen on the spot, his emotions a whirlwind inside of him and his anger making his mind blank out.

“Fuck this.”

His words stung, as much as you wish they didn’t. The entire week taking its toll on you and culminating  into an overwhelming tidal wave that finally crested and made an impact. You felt angry, hot tears prick at your eyes. You hated that they were visible in the fluorescent lights of the kitchen and that everyone could see the shine of them as you felt your face heat up. That Joel could see them when you frantically glanced around the room, trying to keep them at bay.

A smug grin on the man’s face was the last thing you saw before you turned on your heel and walked out the back door. You let it slam behind you as you walked past the dumpsters and the recycling bins lined up along the back of the building and some of fence that lined the back lot for employee parking.

Digging the keys out from underneath your apron, you unhooked them from your belt loop and unlocked your car. You didn’t look back when you heard the door open, just hopped into the driver’s seat and drove off from the restaurant.

The waiting room was crowded with screaming children and crying babies. An assault on your already overwhelmed senses. At the sight of blood dripping down the length of your arm, a nurse at the front desk hopped up from her chair and tended to you before taking your information and telling you to wait for a room to get stitches. That it would be wait, they were busy. You nodded, taking your injured hand and pride and settled into a vinyl chair with silent tears trailing down your cheeks.

Alone.

Always alone.

Fighting for the smallest things, always fighting, always trying, always pushing yourself.

Seemingly for no reason.

Everyone had someone, waiting with them, waiting for them. But your apartment was empty, your friends at work. No text sent out to let them know what had happened because it would be hours before anyone saw it. Evening, before you would inevitably return to wallow in the confines of your own apartment to nurse your bruised ego and aching heart.

I think I need some space, I’m sorry.

The woosh of the message sending was lost in the sounds of the waiting room. A couple close by, whispering to each other. Looked like the guy had broken his arm, holding it tight to his body. The girl fussing over him in a way you wish someone would pay attention to you. Joel was…he was great. When not at work, when in your own little bubble of connection and creation together. But he was an absent texter, would call and leave messages on your phone during class times, but they were mostly silence followed by a huff before the dial tone.

You weren’t sure what that was about. He had far more going on in his life. A restaurant to run, family in town, family out of town, an old business he kept up with, friends he would see on a semi-regular basis.

But you?

Alone. No family nearby or in general. Nothing but school that seemed to have been a giant mistake to continue. A job field you hadn’t wanted to return to. A man who could only seem to give you half of himself when not at work. Different personal spaces and paces of life, shared moments that always came to an end far too soon only to be swept under the rug when clocked in.

And it hurt, dammit.

He didn’t respond. And you hadn’t expected him to. It was service hours, after all.

It hurt, even as your heart pleaded at you to give him a call and ask him to come sit with you.

You called the manager as you turned into your apartment complex parking lot. The gate squeaking as it closed behind your truck. The hospital had seen you in three hours, the tirage taking a while despite actively bleeding. But you had shiny new stitches that stretched from the top of your left index finger knuckle to the middle of your palm in a painful way, twelve all in all.

You explained to her that you didn’t want to file any complaints or for workers comp but would need the week off to get stitches and let the injury heal a bit before you handled anything confidently. She agreed to pay you for the missed shifts, not taking it out of your PTO as they hadn’t had any issues with your attendance in the year you had worked there. You thanked her and apologized for any inconvenience once again.

You ignored the sound of a car pulling up along the curb outside the gate, used to random people parking around to get to the concert hall a few blocks away or a visitor for one of the other many apartment buildings lining both sides of the street.

“Just…expect to be taken off of prep. Chef doesn’t take lightly to people who bail, you know that.”

“Heard, see ya in a week.”

You were just out of the shower, having tried to keep your injury out of the spray of the hot water. You had asked them not to wrap it up as you got discharged, telling them you were going to shower the second you got home. They sent home the appropriate dressings and instructions on how to keep it all clean and avoid infection.  You were comfy in a large T-shirt with some hiking graphics on the back of it and a pair of boy shorts, just stepping into your slippers when there was a knock on your door.

You sauntered over to it, tired from the day and a little loopy from the cortisone shot they had given you at the hospital. When you pulled the door open you were greeted by the large figure of Joel. The crown of curls around his head lit up from a light post further down by the curb.

“Wh-why are you here?” You let your shock show in the slight parting of your lips, the heavy exhale at the image of the man you were yearning for displayed right in front of you. As if you had summoned him with thoughts alone.

“You got hurt,” He shuffled on his feet, bringing a hand up to rub at the back of his neck as he looked at the visible stitches on your left hand. His other one held a large paper bag, but you were more focused on the nervous energy he was exhibiting. As if he was worried he wasn’t supposed to be here, knew he wasn’t supposed to be here and hadn’t been able to keep away. You had been holding it close to your chest, not wanting to accidently knock it on anything as you walked around. “Wanted to check on ya.”

“I told you I needed some space.” You moved to begin swinging the door shut but his free hand shot out and stopped the motion easily, thick fingers and wide palm spanning the wood.

“I came to check on you.” He said with a little more force, reminiscent of him being in the kitchen as calling for hands or for dishes right that fucking second. When you didn’t move or say anything he cleared his throat and talked on, softer now. “Brought you some food. Your stomach is prolly turning from havin’ nothing in it when they gave you the shots needed for stitches. I know you might not be hungry or able to eat but it’ll be there for you when you want it.”

“How-“ You found yourself stepping back as he advanced into the doorway and then a few paces into the apartment. The front door opened up directly into the living room, the kitchen just beyond it, separated by a breakfast bar and the small doors that kept the washer and dryer hidden. He set a hefty paper bag on the couch underneath the window beside the door. The scent of greasy Chinese food made your stomach gurgle to life and your mouth water.

“Used to be a contractor, seen my fair share of bad injuries. There was a lot of blood left on the cutting board, just figured.” He looked around over the top of your head and took in the colorful but controlled palette of your belongings before his gaze landed back on you. Reading something in the space you couldn’t quite figure out. “Didn’t get a text from you, but if you really want me to, I’ll leave right this second.”

Your eyes softened, seeing how earnest he was. All you could do was shake your head, heart thudding in your chest at the realization that your text hadn’t been sent. A silent thank you to shitty hospital cell service.

The sound of the door shutting and locking behind him was the beginning of a quiet evening curled up on the couch with him and whispered words of comfort against your temple as his moustache tickled against your skin.

The shattering of glass was loud, jolting you from your sleeping position curled up in front of Joel, his arms around you and his legs tangled with your own. He was up on his feet in seconds, telling you to stay in the bedroom while he cautiously peered into the small living room. He shuffled on his feet as Sweet Pea came hurling into the room, puffed up as big as she could get, eyes blown out. She jumped atop the bed and you watched Joel’s back disappear in what little light from the street lamps filtered in through your sheer curtains and thick blinds.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” Joel was hollering, the bat you had set aside just outside the bedroom door all those weeks ago still there. He grabbed a hold of it and you could hear him swinging, making contact with something metallic. The crack of the wood was loud, making you jump to your feet and you scrambled to get your phone from where it was buried in the sheets.

There was a yelp, followed by the crunching of glass and harsh breathing. The operator was calmly trying to get your attention, hearing the commotion from the other side of the line as you had put it on speaker. The sounds of heavy thuds on the metal stairs outside rattled the walls and your dizzy head. Joel seemed to have followed them, a second set of steps sounding right behind the first.

“Ma’am, are you safe? What’s going on?”

“B-break in, someone broke into my apartment.”

“Is the person still there?”

The line was silent as she waited for an answer, the heavy footsteps of someone coming back up toward the apartment startled you. Hands flailing to catch Sweet Pea as she jumped into your arms. The phone clattered to the hardwood floor.

“Ma’am? Are you still there? Are you okay?”

“My-my boyfriend is-“ You bent down to pick it up, cuddling the small creature close to your chest as she shook in your arms. Joel walked back into the room then, blood smeared on the bat and sporting a gash to his cheek. “He scared them off.”

“Ma’am, I’m sending a police car, what’s your address?”

Joel took over the situation as they arrived, meeting them down at the gate. He walked them through the event, told them the car he had seen the guy rush to and then sped off in. The glimpses of dirty blonde hair underneath a cap, the sound of his voice reminiscent of the one he had protected you from at a bar all that time ago. Of the open investigations you both had over the encounter at his restaurant.

They seemed to take all the crumbs and piece them together, saying it was most likely a stalking situation and you had dropped the mug of tea you had just made at the word. It had been advised that a car were to patrol the street on a more regular basis, but ultimately that you should stay with someone for a while, until things calmed down and your window was repaired.

Hours later, as the sky began to lighten from the deep blue of nightfall to the pastel oranges of early morning, you and Joel found yourself tucked back into bed and curled up with each other. Shielding each other from the rest of the world.

“You gonna tell me what happened at your meeting?” Joel’s voice was careful as he regarded you across the cab of his own truck. He was driving toward his house just outside the downtown area. A suburb that hadn’t felt the effects of gentrification that had so many others had fallen into. It was quant and cozy, neighbors friendly with each other after living there for so long. A good home for his daughters as he raised one and then adopted the other in their teens, sharing the safe place he had crafted for one daughter with another who had never known such a thing. A kind and caring man, now offering to take care of you in the wake of your personal space feeling tainted.

Sweet pea was in your lap, curled up in your crossed legs, preventing Joel from being able to rest a hand atop your thigh while he drove, both hands firmly on the steering wheel. He had been stealing glances your way since you both loaded up, along with three packed bags. Two for you and one for the small cat, with the promise to get her a little box after dropping her off.

Your demeanor shifted from relaxed and boneless in his passenger seat to rigid, shoulders pulling taught as you sat as straight as you could, lower back aching with the pressure after having sat for so long in cheap, hard waiting room chairs the night before. The hot sensation of embarrassment and shame bubbled up your chest to your throat, preventing words even if you had them.

You shook your head, focused on the world passing by in a blur outside the window.

He seemed to realize it was the wrong moment, to have asked such a thing from you because one of his hands was reaching over and tangling with your own.

“That’s okay, whenever you’re ready, yeah?” He chewed on his bottom lip, coming to a stop at a red light. “Or even not at all, okay, if you don’t want. Whatever you need, baby, I’m gonna try my best, alright?”

You nodded, not able to meet his earnest stare, you both startled when a horn honked behind his truck, urging him to drive through the now green light.

“I’m here for you, you gotta know that. Even if you don’t ask me.” He spoke as he turned into a quiet neighborhood, just outside the bustle of the city. A suburb that reminded you of the one you grew up in, the one you hadn’t been back home to in a decade. Wasn’t welcome back to in wake of family drama and endless fighting.

“Did you know my dad got remarried when I was young?”

“No, darlin’, I didn’t.” He said softly, unaware of why this was what you decided to tell him. But he listened all the same, as he parked in a clear drive and helped you down out of the passenger side of the truck. Making sure that Sweet Pea was cuddled tight to you and safely ushered through the doorway into his home.

“She didn’t like me, the woman my dad had been dating. Said…said I was so smart it was blinding. That I’d never find a man who would want to be with me because I always intimidated people. Too independent, too heavy to attract anyone, too much of all the wrong things.”

You stood in the threshold of the living room, watching as your small cat explored the new space. With a cautious curiosity, as if worried about hidden threats behind every corner. Chirping as she went, looking back at you every few minutes to make sure you hadn’t abandoned her.

“I don’t know who this woman is, but she’s wrong, darlin’. She had no business telling you those things at such a young age.”

“If only she could see me now,” You scoffed as your stitches throbbed underneath thick bandages, pain dulled but breaking through the medicine you needed to take once again. “Got a stalker who won’t leave me alone and a professor who deals in ultimatums.”

The bags he still held dropped to the floor and he was suddenly in front of you, his hands on your shoulders as he gave you all of his attention.

Your eyes met his and the words came tumbling out in a rush.

“I was so stupid to think that she was just spewing bullshit, because she’s right. Smart mouth getting me in trouble, getting me into situations where I’m sleeping with my goddamn boss, barely scraping by for a degree that doesn’t mean anything now. He’s-he’s going to tell the entire board that I’m trouble and they’re both right. I always mess everything up, it’s why I’m alone. Can’t disappoint people who aren’t in your life, right?”

You chuckled wetly, face hot and hands shaking as Joel carefully took them in his own.

“Hey,” Joel’s voice was firm, his eyes focused as he brought you to his chest and held you. “Don’t go saying any of that alright. She’s not right. She don’t know you, what you made of yourself. It doesn’t matter what she thinks, what matters is how you feel.”

“I feel like she’s right, she got my dad to believe her. Haven’t spoken to him since I moved out at eighteen. But not from their house, I had been dumped with my grandparents because she wanted kids of her own and it was either space for me or space for them.

A-and it feels like all the hard work I spent years focusing on is all up to a man who has all the power. The ability to spin this entire situation to his needs and wants, to protect those in his care. Everyone has someone looking out for them, helping them, guiding them. But…but, I don’t…I don’t have anyone…”

Your breathing was slow and deep. Controlled as you calmly spiraled, mania from the past few days winding down into a resolute conclusion of bitter acceptance for the things that have happened and taking the blame for them because there was nowhere else to place it.

“You have me,” Your name was a plea on his lips and all you could do was cling to him as he pulled you into his chest. It was easy to fall into him, but you pulled away just as quickly as you had reached out. For his warmth and reassurance, his kind words that you didn’t deserve. “You have me, okay?”

“You-you’re my boss. And he was right, told me I’m just a messy girl who likes to play hard to get. That’s why he’s going to tell the entire board that I’m unfit for the internship, that I’m trouble to have in class, a risk that shouldn’t be considered. A waste of potential crumbling because I’m too self-righteous and tried to stand up for myself in that bar.”

“Look. No, you look at me and hear me okay.” He grasped your shoulders again and pivoted you from where you had begun to turn your attention away from him, feeling utterly hollowed out and bared for him to see all the ugliness you hid inside the beneath your skin and bones. All laid out for him to pick through like a predator to find the best parts and take take take what he wanted. But it was all rotten, it was all tainted, turned. Bad.

“I will file the appropriate paperwork in both our files, have Mary look it over and sign as a witness, stating that we are in a consensual relationship. That there were no contingencies of promised payment, position, or promotion regarding the development of it. I swear to you, baby, I will do it. To show you that it’s important to me, that you’re important to me. That this isn’t just some fling.”

“I was so close,” Your voice broke, hoarse and tapered off into a sound that didn’t sit right in your ears. It was startling how foreign it sounded. As if the woman speaking was someone else and not yourself, feeling small and childish and helpless as you watched your bags get taken from a car and placed around you by a woman smiling brightly and a man who wouldn’t look directly at you. Spoken words of, ‘this is for the best’.

“I was so close.” The woman repeated, and you felt your knees give as the weight of her words hit you and your vision faded out.

This is for the best.

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dividers by the lovely @/saradika / saradika-graphics

[whiskeynwriting]

A New Home

Joel Miller x Curvy!Female Reader

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Word Count: 11.5k

Warnings: 18+ (minors DNI)

Brief alcohol consumption, some angst, age gap, size difference, curvy reader, body insecurity, brief body shaming, lil makeout session, mentions of sex, mentions of past trauma and loss, mentions of death

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A/N: Part two is in the works and will be posted next Monday! Co-written with @fishingforpike

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It’s not safe, not like the world used to be. But in its own way, it will have to do. Not that you have many choices, anyway. And in multiple ways, you can’t complain. The community was welcoming, Tommy especially. It was surprising just how quick they were to accept you. Once your health scans were cleared, they were thrilled to have you. But you suppose a clean bill of health is all it takes to make friends with people these days. 

“Anything else?”

“Um…” Glancing around, you take one last look at the truck, now empty. “No.”

You’re almost embarrassed by it. Three boxes? How do you not have more things? But Tommy just smiles, a warm expression you see when turning back to him.

“C’mon,” Jerking his head, he offers, “Let’s go see your new home.” Home.

If it weren’t for the occasional jingle of the box’s items a few paces behind you, his existence would have completely gone over your head. He doesn’t say much, not anything, really. Didn’t even bother to say hi, but you don’t necessarily mind. You like the quiet. 

With each of you carrying a box, the walk is easy. Tommy would have driven the truck closer if your house wasn’t already right next to his. 

“Right here,” He grunts with a small sigh, setting your box down on the lawn. 

“This one is mine?”

“I know she’s not too pretty, but we plan on fixin’ her up. Right Joel?”

His wording prompts you to turn, eyeing the quieter man. All he does is nod, eyes furrowed as they look away into the distance. 

“We’ve already got some furniture in there for you.” Tommy redirects the conversation, picking the box up once again. “And the key’s inside.” 

The cement porch is small, with absolutely nothing on it. And the door creaks when it’s opened, but it seems sturdy enough to reassure you. Inside, it’s dusty, some of the windows still boarded with wooden planks. Peeling along the walls is a layer of floral wallpaper, the colorful hues faded from the time of its abandonment. It smells funny, too, like a funeral home. But it’s your home. 

“I know it’s still a bit dark, but we’ll take care of that soon. We’ll even start today, if that’s alright with you.”

Smiling, you accept his offer with a small nod. “That would be really great, Tommy. Thank you.” 

It’s still light out, only early afternoon. The wind is bitter, though, stinging your cheeks until you’re under the cover of this new space. You’re surprised they’re both willing to work in such extreme temperatures. Well, not necessarily extreme for them. But to you, it might as well be Antarctica. You never did like the cold. 

Internally, Joel is thanking the Lord when you finally decide to wander about, curiosity leading you upstairs to your bedroom. With a sigh of relief, he sets your box down on the one table Tommy had given you. It has three chairs, and further in the living room sits one couch, and an end table. Not much else, but then again, some people don’t even have a living room.

Joel isn’t a clumsy man, but he’s been fumbling all over his actions and words since you stepped into town. Since Tess’s passing, he hasn’t really focused on other women. Not just because of her but because he just hasn’t had time to. Romance is a luxury he cannot afford, even in Jackson. He’s convinced himself of that. But it didn’t stop his heart from beating just a little too fast when he first saw you, your pretty face quickly distracting him. You’re gorgeous, which shocks him. With everyone struggling, nobody really looks… cute, these days. But you do. 

Smitten isn’t a word he’d use, but Tommy definitely would. It was easy to see how taken Joel immediately was with you. Joel’s brother had never seen him act so dumb around a new woman. He was dropping things whenever you came into the room, stumbling over his words whenever you’d ask a question until you just stopped asking. You thought he was strange but really, Joel was feeling shy. He can’t even bring himself to make eye contact with you, feeling the heat rise in his cheeks far too quickly. It’s been ages since he’s been nervous around a woman, and he feels overtly foolish because of it. 

Jesus, I need to get my shit together. 

Watching Joel avoid you prompts a small feeling of self-consciousness inside of your belly. The first time you came down from your bedroom, he immediately dropped a hammer on his foot, quickly jerking his leg away with a firm fuck slipping from his mouth. Eyeing him suspiciously, you turned in the opposite direction, asking Tommy about your bed. 

“I know it’s not much, but we -”

“Tommy, this is amazing. I just wanted to come thank you. I haven’t slept on a mattress in years, years.”

Without hesitation, you step in to hug him, an act Tommy wholeheartedly accepts. And Joel’s jaw clicks slightly when he sees it, finding himself feeling childish and wishing it were him. He’d call himself pathetic if he felt this way in general around women. But he hasn’t. What is it about you? 

To distract himself, Joel works on the boards along your windows, tearing them down and fixing up any markings around the glass. It’s repetitive work, tear down, fix, tear down, fix. The wood will likely be used for a fire soon. There’s a fireplace in your living room, off to his right. Maybe he could offer that to you. 

“Your name is Joel, right?” Stepping over gently, you approach him, intending to offer the same thanks you gave Tommy.

Straightening up, Joel’s eyes drop from your face to your body; not to ogle at you, but purely from the anxiety ballooning in his chest. Nodding, he sighs quietly. “Yeah.” 

“Well, thank you. For everything. I… I really appreciate it.” You offer him your kindest smile and still, he looks away. He doesn’t know what to say.

It almost hurts him, your sweet smile. How he’d love to keep that expression on your face, to continue to be the reason for it. He remembers a time when Tess smiled at him like that, a time when he believed he was the reason for her happiness, a time where he was convinced he was keeping her safe. But that was never the case, Tess didn’t depend on him. Joel wasn’t the reason for her happiness, he wasn’t the reason she was safe. She fought for herself, and in ways Joel would never even know. He felt like a fool, trying so hard for a woman that didn’t need him. 

But, but, the fact that you’ve gone out of your way to thank him, plucks at one of his heartstrings. Maybe his help is finally needed. You really can be sweet. And it only makes you more attractive to him. 

“O… kay.” Voice wavering slightly, you end up walking away, wondering why he’s acting this way. So far, everyone’s been nice to you. So, what is it about him? Little do you know, Joel is just trapped in his own head. 

“Hey,” Tommy nudges your shoulder when you return to the kitchen, testing the sink. Wow, running water.

“Yeah?”

“I know Joel can be a little rough around the edges, but he means well.”

“He’s ignoring me.” You’ve known Tommy long enough to call him your friend, one of the few people who’s allowed you in. You trust him.

“Yeah, I…” Rubbing the back of his head, he sighs. “I don’t know why he does that.” But Tommy does know, he can see the explanation written all over Joel’s face. 

The Miller brothers take it upon themselves to make your house a home, Tommy bringing your boxes up to the bedroom before tearing down the old wallpaper scattered throughout the rooms. And Joel continues with the windows, chopping the wood into manageable pieces before tossing them into the fireplace. 

“I have a proposition for ya.” Tommy then says, slapping his hands together to knock the dust off of them. “Maria’s making dinner. I’m gonna head over and I can bring some back to you?” 

“That’d be really nice, Tommy.” Pleasantly surprised by his continuing hospitality, you grin. “I’ll be here.”

Patting your shoulder, Tommy returns your happy expression. “And I’ll be right back.” 

On his way out, he passes by Joel, shoving his shoulder and knocking him a bit off balance. Brows furrowed, Joel glared at his brother, leaning in to ask why the hell he just did that. But before he can get the words out, Tommy’s grumbling, “Go say something to her.” 

Joel grimaces, not from the push but from the words. But his brother means well, he should be more welcoming toward you. He’s just… nervous. But he can be friendly, all he has to be is friendly. 

Once Tommy is gone, the atmosphere shifts. It’s not a huge change, just a slight… movement. Turning, you catch Joel’s wandering eyes, now immediately darting down. Raising a brow at him, you brush it off, just like you have been.

Originally, you found Joel quite attractive. You felt drawn to him as soon as you’d climbed into Tommy’s truck. He’s tall and handsome, older and growing into a silver fox. He looked hardened, and you pondered whether or not you could soften him. But Joel’s attitude quickly turned you away. 

Going about your business, you find the last box, holding an assortment of your clothes. Bending down, your fingers find its bottom edge, and with one breath, you’re lifting it. 

“H-Here,” Joel’s guttural voice finally speaks up. Taking a quick step in your direction, he reaches out, placing one hand on the edge. “Let me help.”

“I don’t need your help, I can do it myself.” Your recent thoughts prompt your quick snap. It feels childish, but his unintentional rejection has made you mad. 

Your words shove down every ounce of confidence he’d managed to bring to the surface. Briefly, he wonders what he’s done wrong. But he knows this world isn’t as kind as it used to be; you don’t owe anything to anybody. Lowering his hand, he gulps, looking into your eyes before turning away. And something about your first, true gaze stirs something in your bones. But still, you make your way upstairs.

In your bedroom, there isn’t much, your mattress isn’t even supported on anything but a few wooden palettes. But there’s a fitted sheet on it, along with two pillows and a comforter. And the first time you saw it, the sight brought a tear to your eye. This is your home, you have a home again. There’s even a bathroom, there’s two! Two bathrooms in your house. A half-bath downstairs, and a full across the hall from your bedroom. Problem is, when you turn on the faucet, every drop of water sprays directly at you.

Your shrill scream can be heard from down the damn street, and you already feel foolish from it. But it surprised the hell out of you, and apparently surprised the hell out of Joel, too. 

“What?! What is it?! What’s wrong?!” Scrambling up the stairs, he slips when he rounds the corner. Looking up, he finds you absolutely soaked. For a split second, he’s surprised, but all too quickly, a laugh is bursting from him. Turning over onto his hands and knees, he reaches for the plumbing beneath the sink. 

“Stop! I can do it!” You angrily shout, leaning down and swatting his hand away. 

“Please let me help.” He practically pleads, eyes going wide as he stares up at you. 

Your hair is sticking to your cheeks and forehead, clothes tightening around your body. Gulping, he eyes you, the curves your clothing is so openly revealing. Immediately, you find what he’s staring at, wrapping your arms around your midsection. 

“Does that mean I can help?” That deep voice calls out, watching you rush into your bedroom.

Harshly, you snap back with, “Fine!”

He’s not sure what he did to make you dislike him so much, but the entire situation has him grinning. Something about the interaction has changed the energy between you two. It’s perplexing, really. Even after your rejection, even after his personal turmoil, Joel finds himself wanting you. You seem so genuinely happy, and you've been kind to everyone… except him. But even so, you’re friendly, that much is true, and that’s so very new to him. And his level of attraction to you surprises him. He really can’t ignore it. And he knows you can take care of yourself, clearly, but he sees a pretty woman like you and immediately, he wants to care for you - protect you. It’s in his nature. You may not need it, but he wants to offer it. He wants to be your safety net. 

*

*

*

“So, how’d it go yesterday?”

You’re upstairs unpacking, setting up your bedroom. Tommy thought it’d be a good idea to get some paint to spruce up the rooms, extending their stay. 

“Fine.” Shaking his head, Joel tries to rattle the memory out of his brain. 

“Well… what did you say?” Tommy pries, glancing over at his brother. He’d been painting the space next to your fireplace, stopping mid-stroke. 

“Just… tried to help. I dunno.” 

“Jesus, were you always this weird?”

“What?” Joel replies, offense in his tone.

“How the hell did you ever get a girlfriend?”

“Well, it hasn’t exactly been easy during a global pandemic.”

“Even before all of this.” Tommy points out, eyeing Joel beside him. “What’s making you so nervous around her?” 

Turning back to the wall, Joel releases an aggravated breath. “This is hard for me, Tommy.”

“Why?”

“She’s pretty, alright?” He doesn’t even look at his brother, not quite sure how to explain it. “Pretty like I’ve never seen.” 

“Then ask her out.” Tommy’s trying to keep his voice down, but his brother’s attitude is aggravating him, to say the least.

“She just got here, man.” 

“Even better! Take her out, introduce her to the town. We just got done upgrading the bar.”

“Really?” Huh, that might not be a bad idea.

“Yeah, really.” Joel offers an unamused glare at his brother’s mockery. “It can’t hurt to try.” 

And maybe Tommy’s right. He’s into you, that much is true. Joel’s only known you for half a day and yet, you seem to have him hooked. But while he has one foot leaping forward, he has the other holding him back. There are so many ways this could go wrong, he could ruin this town being your home if he fucks up bad enough. And he doesn’t want to bother you, even though it seems like he already has. There are so many other things he could do with his time but you’re occupying his mind. 

What caught his eye before a single word came out of your mouth was your body. Your hips are wide, thighs bigger than most of the women he’s been with. You have a little tummy that makes him grin, that makes him feel the need to grab. Any pair of pants hugs your ass tightly, the jeans you wore today honestly testing his patience. And when his eyes rose to your chest… the sight of you took his breath. He’d give anything to touch you, to cup and squeeze your breasts. It takes everything in him to have a normal conversation when you’re around, because the majority of the time, he’s off in his own dreamland. But is that all this is? Physical attraction? It would be if you didn’t have such a fiery personality, your kindness still shining through. You’re a woman who can be hard when she needs to be, and he admires that, he respects that. Everything he’s seen, everything you’ve said, every fucking ounce of you is drawing him in.

Joel figures, since the two of you haven’t talked yet today, that maybe it could be a fresh start for the two of you. He knows you’re upstairs, so, with a heavy and encouraging breath, he makes his way up to you. 

He does his best to be quiet, not wanting to spook you. Though, in retrospect he figures it should have been the other way around. Regardless, when he approaches your open bedroom door, he sees you crouched down. And Jesus, seeing you in these jeans forces out an internal groan from within. The way it hugs your curves, your hips, it’s making him lose his mind. 

Standing from your crouched position, you sigh, turning to only be startled by him. But you don’t jump, your eyes just widen. And seeing that reaction intimidates him. You can clearly hold your own, and that coupled with your beauty makes him nervous all over again.

“Hey, I, um…” Shoving his hands into his front pockets, he swallows. “We’re almost done downstairs. And uh, Tommy… well, he knows this great bar, and -”

“The only bar in town?” You say, crossing your arms and raising a brow.

“Yeah… the only bar in town.” Joel mutters, sighing. He’s already fucked this up. “Well, I was thinkin’. Would you wanna go with me, there? Sometime? Maybe I could, I dunno, maybe I could show you around.”

At this, your eyes widen, the hairs above them raising. This was him asking you out? After ignoring you, randomly staring at you, and barely even responding to you, he decides to come up and say this? 

“Thanks, but…” Turning, you crouch back down, going through your belongings. “No thanks.” 

Without another word, Joel is spinning around. His ego is hurt, to say the very fucking least, and to reject his offer is one thing, but to completely reject him as a person is another. Why don’t you like him? 

“Hey, how’d it -”

“I’m goin’ home.” Joel grumbles, already making a beeline for the door. He feels childish, but if you’re this adamant about not liking him, he might as well not even be in your home. 

Joel’s naturally loud footsteps echo throughout the fairly empty house, his harsh push on the screen door making you look up. Standing, you peer out of the open window, watching him walk off. Turns out he lives kitty-corner to you. 

Watching him go makes you feel bad, regret sinking heavily in your stomach. You’ve been so stubborn with him, and without any real reason. Sure, he’s acted a little strange, but maybe you misread him. Maybe he was just being shy. After being in survival mode for so long, you sometimes don’t know what to think about other’s expressions. For years, all you’ve had to do was focus on yourself, on simply staying alive. Will life in Jackson offer you more than that? Will it offer you the luxury of friendship? Of connection? 

“Ellie?” He calls out, glancing up at the staircase only to be met with silence. “Ellie!”

Stomping around the house, he searches for her, having expected her to be home. There aren’t too many places to go in Jackson, and not too many kids for her to make friends with. One person she has befriended, though, is Maria. After a while, Joel supposes they just got used to each other. 

“Jesus,” Joel grumbles, shaking his head as he storms out of the house. 

Closing the door behind him, he makes his way over to Tommy’s, only just across the street. Knocking on the door, the first one to answer is the culprit herself. 

“Welcome home.” Ellie greets with a huge, sarcastic smile on her face. It might as well be their second home.

“Why are you always bothering them?” Furrowing his brows, those hands gravitate to his hips, his signature pose. 

“Joel! Come in!” Glancing past Ellie, he sees Maria, currently holding a bowl of pasta. “We’re settling in for dinner.”

If he’s completely honest, Ellie did most of the cooking between the two of them. Joel often bought snacks - bags of chips and canned goods. But Ellie enjoyed making meals, and he wasn’t one to complain. 

“Well, thanks for havin’ us.” He nods, sitting down at the table after he’s closed the door. 

“Any time.” She insists, scooching her chair in. “Do you know when Tommy’ll be here?”

“Not sure. I uh, left early.”

“Why?” Ellie raises one eyebrow, already digging into her food.

“Because I wanted to.” Joel responds sternly, wanting the questions to stop at just one. 

Maria grins, twirling her fork. “Is it because of the new girl?” 

Joel glances up from beneath his brow, annoyed that this conversation is even happening. He expected to be home decompressing, not talking everything out. 

“No.”

“It is.” Ellie gasps dramatically. 

“It definitely is.” Tommy adds on, walking in through the front door. 

“Tommy.”

“And you know what, she’s got a liking for you, too.” Gesturing toward his brother on his way to the kitchen, Tommy watches Joel’s eyes widen at this. 

After Joel left, Tommy took it upon himself to go upstairs and see what the hell bothered him so badly. He found you, still completely wet while searching for new clothes to change into. And after you dried off, the two of you got to talking. Tommy started to explain his brother’s intentions, how the pandemic has really hardened him. He might’ve even told you about Joel’s liking for you, and asked you to give him another chance. 

“You think?”

“I think she’s warmin’ up to you.”

“This is so cute,” Ellie smirks, punching him on the shoulder. “The old man has a crush.” 

Joel rolls his eyes, though a grin pulls on his lips at the new information. 

“Am I gonna have a new mom?” Ellie teases, making Joel sigh. 

“Don’t you have homework to do or somethin’?” And his random comment reminds him of Sarah. This type of banter was so typical between them. And he misses her dearly, but especially in moments like these. Ellie is happy for him, that much is clear. He thinks Sarah would be, too. 

Maria talks about her garden for the remainder of dinner, that and Tommy’s dam. Every now and then, Tommy mentions the patrols and how they’ve been. Some were riskier than others, and Joel wasn’t looking forward to going back to them. He and Tommy had taken time off to gather things for you, but they still heard the reports. And whether they’re talking about hunters or clickers or the new vegetable they’ve grown, Joel’s just happy the conversation has shifted. Although he’s still grinning from his brother’s comment. 

Maria and Tommy can talk up a storm around people they consider family, but after so long, it’s only natural that dinner comes to an end. And Joel’s happy to see Ellie stand when Maria starts to clean. Seems like her manners are finally starting to show through. 

“Okay,” Tommy starts in a hushed tone, scooching closer to his brother. “What’s got you all riled up about this girl, anyway? I mean, she’s not exactly your… type.” 

Narrowing his eyes, Joel wonders aloud, “What do you mean?” 

“She’s curvier than your usual gals, isn’t she?”

For a moment, it looks like Joel zones out. He’s thinking about you. And with a subtle shrug, he sighs. “I don’t know… there’s just somethin’ about the way she looks, way she walks… I’ve seen the shape of her hips.” Briefly, he shakes his head. “Perfect ‘lil divots for grabbin’.” 

“Oh…” Tommy grins, “So you’re into curvy girls now?” 

Something about the way Tommy says it has him bushing. He’s almost embarrassed because he’s really been caught, he couldn't have hid this if his life depended on it. And it’s such a new revelation for him, so much so that it makes him antsy. 

“It’s not just about that.” He explains, “She’s fiery, Tommy. I’ve seen her be nice but she’s got some sass.” 

“That she does.” Tommy’s seen it, too. “But you can be pretty sassy yourself.”

Frowning, Joel chews his corner lip. “What do you mean?”

“Your looks aren’t exactly… friendly.” 

“What?”

“Kind of aggressive.”

“And judgmental!” Ellie chimes in from the kitchen.

“Hey!” Joel quickly swivels in his seat, eyeing her. 

“She’s not wrong. Besides, don’t you want to welcome her to the town? There aren’t many people her age here, it’d be nice if she had a friend.”

“She has you.” Joel comments, raising his brows both quickly and sarcastically.

“Yeah, but she could have you.” 

“Wait, wait,” Ellie steps in, strolling into the dining room again. “How old is this girl?”

Tommy shrugs, “Mid-twenties?”

“Holy shit!” Wide-eyed, she stares down at Joel. “She’s like half your age!”

Groaning, Joel leans an elbow on the table and covers his face. He knew this was strange.

“Nothing wrong with that.” Tommy grins, already knowing Joel’s reasoning. 

Leaving Tommy’s house, Joel feels… unsure. Not conflicted necessarily but different. He’s attracted to a curvier body now more than ever and it’s because of you. It makes him feel like he’s learning new things about himself. In a world so cold and hard, he just wants someone to hold, someone to hold him. Someone that’s just warm and soft. Someone to let in again.

*

*

*

“Just be nice.” He whispers, rolling his shoulders a bit. “Be nice and smile. Don’t forget to smile.” Small mumbles spill from his mouth as he looks into the mirror, buttoning his flannel. Ellie made sure to wash his clothes last night, wanting him to look nice. Joel insisted it was only him asking, not going on the actual date. But she didn’t care. 

Digging deep down inside of him, Joel was able to find that sense of carefree excitement that came along with dating, with pursuing someone. You already said no to him, but he wants to try again, when he can present himself a little better. And knowing that you don’t hate him also helps. If you say no again, he’ll drop it, he wouldn’t want to force anything. And he especially wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable in a new town; you only just got here. But he’s decided that he’s going to try, he’s going to put himself out there with you. 

“I can do this.” Nodding in the mirror, he sighs, trying to release his anxieties. “I can be… warm. Friendly.” 

Looking to his right, he grabs the cluster of flowers he’d bought at the market this morning. He’d been out shopping for food, Ellie wanted to try a new recipe sometime soon. But when he came across the barrel of flowers, he knew it would be the perfect gift to give you. He’s not sure what kinds you like, but he didn’t really have many options. There was one bouquet that was particularly bright and perky, so he went with that one. 

You’re only just across the street, so he doesn’t have much time to gather himself on the walk. He has to be ready pretty much as soon as he opens the door. And when he’s convinced himself that he has the confidence to do this, he makes his way down.

Today, you didn’t request Tommy and Joel’s help. You wanted some time to yourself, reassuring Tommy that you’d come to him if you needed any more repairs, or really, anything. He and Maria were more than willing to help. And while you appreciated this, you were looking forward to your day alone, which is why you were so surprised to hear a knock at your door. 

“Joel?” Your voice wavers slightly, unsure of his reasoning for being here. But then your eyes drop to the colorful bouquet, and your brows raise a little. 

“Hey,” His voice is deep and a bit ragged, just like it always is. The hand not holding the bouquet is shoved in his front pocket. And then he does something that surprises you, he smiles. It’s a nervous expression, but genuine. “How uh, how are you?”

“I’m doing okay…” Stepping forward, you move onto your porch, Joel still standing on your walkway. “What’s… what’s up?”

“I, well… I wanted to apologize.” When your brows raise higher, he continues with a slight stammer. “F-For my demeanor, the past few nights. I’m, well we… don’t get many women like you here.” Forcing out a small chuckle, he tries to keep his friendly grin. But he’s nervous.

“What do you mean women like me?” By your tone of voice, you’re clearly offended.

“Pretty.” Joel blurts out, deciding on full transparency. “I, I think you’re beautiful.” It’s the first time he’s said anything like this to you, and you’re clearly taken aback. “I wanted to try another shot at askin’ you out.” 

“Why?” You ask, crossing your arms. Not defensively but protectively. You haven’t been intimate with someone in years; and pretty isn’t enough, in your opinion, to date someone. 

“You seem kind.” Shrugging, he finishes with, “I’d just like to get to know you more.” 

Now that, that is enough of a reason to date someone. A small smirk curls on your lips, deciding to respond with, “I’m not very kind to you.” 

“That you aren’t.” Joel grins, and it makes you feel bashful. “But I haven’t been the nicest, either.” There’s a sparkle in your eye that makes him grin, one he doesn’t have to force to the surface. “And besides, I like a little sass.” 

After his comment, a moment of silence passes, and your smirk only grows with it. It’s only the first time he’s flirted with you and you’re already burning up with excitement. To have this older man be so interested in you is beyond flattering. When you rejected him yesterday, it was because of his attitude, not because of his looks. Even with his graying hair and crows feet, he’s handsome, handsome and broad. Truthfully, you’re interested to see what he looks like underneath that flannel, if you even get that far. But really, you’re interested in getting to know him, too. He’s already shown that he’s not the callous man you thought he was. 

“Okay.” 

And with that, his insides light up. “Okay.” He returns with a nod, and an incredibly bright smile on his face. One so big you almost work up the nerve to calm him cute. Almost. 

After that, things were easier than he could have imagined. Within minutes, you were setting up your date, you finally stepping down onto the walkway so he could give you the bouquet. Joel’s face was lit up with a handsome smile the entire conversation, something you haven’t seen before today.  

“Well, I’m not doing anything tonight.” You offer, peeking up at him from beneath your lashes. Was that too eager of you? 

If it were even possible, his smile grows. “Me either! I am, would you…” Pointing behind him, he offers, “Would you want to come over? I could make us somethin’?” 

The idea of having your first date in Joel’s home, conversing over homemade food while it’s just the two of you, sounds so cozy to you. Nothing too fancy or expensive. Simple and sweet, just like first dates should be. 

“That sounds really nice.” 

Dreamily, he sighs. You’re already cuter than he’d imagined you to be. “Alright. Well I’m, I’ll go freshen up and… see you in a little bit?”

“Sounds like a plan.” 

Awkwardly, you exchange eager smiles and slightly wandering eyes, your hands on your bouquet while his are in the pockets of his pants. Slowly, you back away, retreating into your home. But even after you’ve turned your back, Joel watches you, smiling. He has a good feeling about this. 

*

*

*

“She said yes?!” 

“Yeah, that’s why I need you to teach me!” Joel replies impatiently. 

“Joel,” Ellie states, very matter-of-factly. “The instructions are on the box. It’s not that complicated.”

“Well I -”

“Do you know how to work a stove?”

“Well, yeah…”

Slapping him on the back, she stares up into those dark eyes. “Then you should be fine. I’m going to Tommy’s.” 

Filling the pot, he then sets it on the stove. “Stop buggin’ them!” He calls out after her, but she’s already through the front door. 

“Hey!” She then says, a little too enthusiastically. And when Joel hears your returned hi, he’s spinning on his heels. 

“So you’re the woman Joel likes.”

Rushing toward the door, Joel’s eyes scan your figure, your beautiful face. You’re wearing makeup. 

“I’m Ellie.” Firmly sticking her hand out, you then take it, giving her your name. But as soon as Joel gets to the door, Ellie’s already running off. 

“Sorry about that.” Joel laughs nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.

“That your daughter?” You ask, raising a brow while you join in on his small chuckle.

“Uh…” He trails off, watching Ellie make her way down the street. “Somethin’ like that.” After a moment, though, he snaps back to reality. “Oh, come in!” 

It’s far too easy to see that this is all so new for him. But he’s trying, that much is true. So, you follow his prompts, walking into his home. And it’s clear to see that this is his home. He’s furnished it quite well, with multiple couches and even a small TV in the living room. The wallpaper is fresh and so are the coats of paint coloring the different rooms. But none of that surprises you. What catches your attention are his decorations, he has decorations. Pictures on the walls and books on the shelves, even a few plants near the windows. There are curtains and throw blankets and candles, too. Oh, how you've yearned for this sense of comfort. 

“So I, um…” Joel begins to mutter while walking past you. 

You watch him stroll into the kitchen, looking around. “I don’t have much but we… I got, that instant pasta?”

Grinning, you make your way over to the dining table, just beside the kitchen. While sitting, you sling your purse on the back of your chair, staring over at him. He continues to ramble while stirring the pasta he’d already placed in the boiling pot, but you don’t hear much. Oddly enough, you find yourself eyeing him, almost sizing him up. 

“That sounds really nice but I…” The way you trail off makes him turn, eyes furrowing with concern. “I um…” Releasing an airy laugh, you then sigh. “I hate to be a burden, but I can’t have um, gluten.” 

“Oh, shit.” Widening his eyes, he takes a glance back at the pasta, turning back with a hand held out to you. “I’m sorry I, I had no idea.” 

“It’s okay Joel, I haven’t eaten it yet.” Your response makes him grin, happy with your reassurance. 

“Well, we’ve got uh… oh! Actually…” Walking over to the fridge, he explains, “We just got some new fish. Uh…” And then he’s reaching in to retrieve a small, wrapped package. “Salmon?”

“That sounds great.” Joel watches as your cheeks plump up with your grin, your adorable expression softening him. 

“Well,” Joel replies, releasing a breath while he begins to fry it. “I hope you like it. We’ve got broccoli, too, if you’re not…”

“No,” Laughing, you shake your head. “I’m not allergic to broccoli.”

For how nervous he was to cook pasta, you’re shocked at how quickly he’s able to prepare the vegetables and fish. Not only quickly but easily, so easily that it impresses you. Maybe you’re the reason he was so nervous. After all, that is what Tommy told you. But you can help to wonder… why is that? 

“We uh, we’ve got water? Oh, and milk!”

His words make you smile. Nobody has much right now but he’s trying so very hard with you. 

“Water would be great.” 

The smile he gives you makes your insides stir; he looks so happy, almost careless. Nothing like how he’d been the few days after you met. And when he comes back with your drink, he’s still grinning, humming quietly. 

“How…” Starting conversation is a little difficult, just because you’re not really sure what to say. Seen any good movies lately? Do you have any hobbies? What do you do for work? All luxuries of the past. But, you figure you can begin with the obvious.

“How did you make it to Jackson?”

At this, Joel gives his head a single shake. “Long story.” And then, silence. But he doesn’t want that. “How about you? Tommy said you were by yourself?”

“Yeah, I was living on my own. Have been since I was an early teen. My parents were, well… they ate a lot of bread.” You can chuckle about it now, but it wasn’t so funny then. “I have a gluten intolerance, so…”

“It was easy to avoid.” Joel finishes, nodding. “Yeah, I was on Atkins.” And then, he’s laughing too. 

But when your laughter dies down, you sigh. Memories of the past bubble to the surface, the remembrance of your life beyond the city walls. With your tone hushed, you tell him, “It was scary out there.”

“Yeah, I know. It still is, if you find yourself in the wrong areas.”

“Where were you? Originally?” 

Inside, Joel feels unsure. These are all questions he kept hidden away for so, so long. It was done with the intent to keep himself safe. But he told himself that he wanted this, and that means opening up to you.

“Texas. Made my way here from Boston, though.” He finally responds before gesturing in your direction. “You?” 

Nodding, you swallow, staring at your plate. “Arizona.”

“Shit,” Joel cocks his head, “We coulda met even before all this.” 

When you started thinking about home, something akin to sadness sank into your bones. But the way Joel changes the conversation’s mood almost changes something about you. 

Smiling, you agree, responding with, “Yeah, we could have.” 

“What did you do down there? Y’know, before all this happened?”

Looking up, you find those deep, dark eyes. They’re full of excitement and wonder, his full attention on you. 

“Well, I… I was pretty young, when the outbreak started.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I was honestly a baby. Only four or five years old.”

Holy shit, Joel internally curses. Ellie was right, she’s so much younger than me.

“Is… that okay? With you?”

It’s the first time either of you have brought it up, your obvious difference in age. While you were attracted to Joel, you weren’t sure about this possible gap in maturity. And if you’re being honest, it was another reason for your initial rejection. But the second time around… you really couldn’t resist.

“You know…” He counters, his expression thoughtful. “Would it be strange if I said it made me like you more?”

His response makes you laugh, a big belly one, too. “Maybe.” Eyeing him, you smirk. “But I don’t know. Maybe I feel the same.”

“Really?” He’s teasing you, you just know it. 

“Maybe.” 

“Well, tell me about your interests, then. Let me learn about ya.” 

At this point, you’re more interested in each other than the food, and you find yourself liking that. It’s honestly astounding how easy this is for the two of you. And at this point, Joel’s forgotten all about the pasta he was starting to make. Looks like that will be Ellie’s dinner. 

“I really like to be creative, when I can.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Smiling, you think back to it, to a time when you still had acrylics and a canvas. “I’d paint when I was young, but can only really afford to find pencils and paper now. But still, I like to draw. I like to read, too. Keeps me distracted.” 

“Sounds like an alright distraction to me.”

Grinning, you tilt your head. “What about you?”

Taking a sip from his glass, Joel clears his throat before responding with, “Used to be a musician. Loved to play the guitar - did so for a number of years.” 

“I can see that.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He responds sarcastically.

“I don’t know, something about your flannels and southern accent screams musician.”

“What, you don’t like flannels?” Joel grins, that silly expression warming your cheeks.

“Eh, not always.” Shrugging, you take a drink from your glass in an otherwise nonchalant fashion. “But I like ‘em on you.”

And then Joel Miller fucking blushes. 

“I kind of like your accent, too.”

From then on out, Joel swears an internal promise to himself to up the ante of his accent for you. Usually, people disliked when he’d mumble or drawl, but doing so at dinner didn’t bother you. And even when he snuck in his first honey, he saw your shy grin. That beautiful expression made him want to use it more often. 

“I really liked the dinner you made.” Striding beside him, you admire his slow gait. He’s trying to stretch out the time, the walk back to your house a pretty short one.

“I really liked having you over.” Joel remarks right back, his walk languid, unhurried. “It was nice talkin’ with you, honey.” 

There’s that cute hum again, the hum you purr quietly whenever you’re happy. 

You thought it was incredibly gentlemanly of him to walk you back to your house, even if it’s only across the street. Neither of you wanted the date to end but, Ellie had to come back home before midnight if she was going to meet her curfew. And it’s not that she couldn’t be around you, Joel just wanted his privacy with you. 

“You know, it’s already really comfortable here.” Stepping onto your walkway, you turn, gazing up at him. “In my own house, my own home… and when I go to yours, too.”

Before he can stop it, he replies with, “I wanna be able to give that to you.” Looking into your eyes, his expression softens. “Comfort.” 

It’s a surprising statement to hear, but one that warms your chilly bones. Everything about this night with Joel has just been reassuring you of your decision, the one you made to come here. 

“It’s nice to have a home again.” Smiling, your eyes twinkle with affection. “And a friend.” 

That last word would have his heart sinking if you weren’t already leaning up to hug him, nuzzling your face into his neck when he returns the act. Those strong arms hold you against him, wrapping around your back. He’s so sturdy and broad, and feels so good pressed up against you. His smell is more apparent, too, an earthy scent that reminds you of the forest. But it’s also sweet, a few spices close to sandalwood mixing in. And while you’re taking him in, Joel is doing the exact same to you, memorizing the softness of your skin and the smell of your hair, the way you feel beneath him. To finally be touching you, hugging you, feels surreal to him. It’s only been a few days and still, he’s thought about you, dreamt about hugging and just holding you. All night, you talked about home, but for Joel, this is it. 

Before he can even register it, you’re pulling back. Just barely, your lips brush over his ear, whispering a gentle goodnight Joel, before moving over the scruff of his jaw so you can kiss his cheek. 

*

*

*

It’s a foolish thought, you should be happy with your new home. And for the most part, you are. But with everything running efficiently, that meant no more Joel coming by. You haven’t seen him since your first date, and that was about four days ago now. Of course, you could just ask for another date, but would that be too… desperate? Needy? After more than an hour of thought, you’ve decided that yes, it would very much be needy. So, what the hell are you gonna do to get him back over here? 

“Joel?” You couldn't help it, your feet carried you his way before you could even think twice about it. It was hard enough to keep yourself from not showing up on his doorstep for the past four days. 

“Oh,” His unsuspecting expression turns joyful as he walks up to the door. It had been open, with only the screen keeping the brutal wind away. Ellie probably didn’t care to lock it. “Hey.”

That quirky little smile pulls on his lips, those large hands propping open the door for you. Shifting your weight, you feel a small sensation fizzle in your veins with nerves growing in your belly. It’s strange to think that only a couple days ago, you couldn't stand him. 

“Hey um… my, I’m having trouble with my sink again. And I was, well, I was wondering… if you could…” It’s the only excuse you could make up in your head. And it’s not like it’s anything major, just a small white lie. 

Almost instantly, he sees through your little act. His knowing glance makes your pulse pound a bit harder in your neck, one hand moving to balance itself on his hip. 

“Sure, honey.” Honey. Lord, you’re swooning so easily. “Give me a minute, and I’ll be right over.” 

The fact that he said yes right on the spot makes your heart skip a beat. And your feet nearly do the same as you make your way back home. Smiling from ear to ear, you trot up to your bedroom, awaiting his arrival. Your first instinct is to clean, to make everything neat, but there’s not much to do. There’s not much here in general. So, you just sit and wait. 

While you’d been thinking about him the past four days, you weren’t the only person on Joel’s mind. Sure, he thought about you, thought about your pretty face and fiery attitude, your amazing body and witty personality. But he was also thinking about her, about how he lost her too soon, and so abruptly. So tragically and violently. She made him feel safe when no one else could. When he was supposed to be everyone’s rock, Tess was his. Is he ready to move on from that? Is he ready to find someone new? Someone to hold and care for and protect? He’d be lying to himself if he said he didn’t long for companionship, for someone to warm his bed and fill his days with fun and just… simple happiness. Someone who can swap out the bad memories in his head with ones he can return to at night that won’t make him cry. Someone that makes him want to continue on with life.

“Hello?”

“Hey! Come in!” You’d left your door unlocked, feeling safe with the knowledge of his visit.

The front door creaks open as Joel steps inside, stomping the snow off of his boots and onto your mat before leaving them beside the door. Something jingles beside him and it sounds heavy, maybe he’d brought a toolbox with him. And that jingle only amplifies as he walks up the stairs, heavy footsteps thudding against the dark wood. 

“There you are.” Joel grunts as he reaches the top step, striding down the hall to your open bedroom. For just a moment, he stands there, taking a look at you. You’re sitting on your bed, a sketchpad laying beside your hip. Your hair is down and you’re wearing an oversized hoodie, something he hadn’t seen beneath your coat when you came to him. With no makeup on your face, you look refreshed, refreshed and cozy. 

When he doesn’t say anything, you chuckle awkwardly. “What? Did you expect to find me wet again?” Almost immediately, heat rushes to your cheeks, not realizing the double meaning until it’s already been said. And immediately, Joel is smirking, laughing at your reaction. 

“Maybe.” He mutters to himself as he turns, walking down your hall. 

It’s only a few feet to the bathroom, and as soon as he steps inside, he’s getting to work. Settling on his knees, he leans forward to mess with the valves, trying to see where the problem is. He’ll play along. And after only a moment, you follow him, standing behind his bent form as he works. 

Eyes traveling down, you nibble on the corner of your lower lip as you take him in. He’s wearing another flannel, of course, with a pair of dark-wash jeans hanging on his hips. And with him facing away, you’re able to wander down a bit further without him noticing. Huh, he has a pretty cute butt. 

“What did you say the problem was again?” Cocking an eyebrow, he looks back at you with confusion. 

“Oh, um…” Shit, I didn’t think about that. “It wasn’t… there wasn’t any hot water coming out.” 

Standing, he flips on the faucet, turning it to the hottest setting. “Seems to be workin’ just fine now.” 

Shutting it off, Joel grabs the hand towel to wipe the water away while turning to look at you. And… wow, he’s so much taller than you. So much taller and broader, too. 

“There any other reason you wanted me here?” That eyebrow stays cocked and it just makes you feel dumb. 

Shrugging, you glance down. “I kinda… missed you.” 

Instantly, a bright grin cracks across his face. “What was that?” 

Glancing up at him from beneath your brow, you smirk at his teasing. “I missed you.” 

“Well color me surprised.” Raising his eyebrows, he placed the hand towel back on its hook as he says, “I thought you couldn’t stand me.” 

“Yeah well, I found out you’re actually kind of cute.” Shrugging, you turn, wandering into your bedroom. It’s like your cheeks have been set ablaze. 

Slowly, Joel follows, leaning against your doorframe when he gets back to your room. Again, you’re sitting on your bed, sketchpad and pencil in hand. He nods at you, crossing his arms. 

“What’s that?” 

“Some of my drawings. Haven’t really had time to look at it since I got here.” 

Strolling over to the side of your bed, Joel looks down at you, wondering aloud, “Can I see?” 

Nervously, you hand it to him. No one’s ever wanted to look at your artwork before, so you're curious to see his reaction. To your surprise, Joel lays down on your bed, resting on his stomach across the end as he flips through. 

“You can definitely see the progress.” He comments, nodding. “Your flowers are so detailed.” 

“You think so?” Grinning, you orient yourself toward him, folding your legs up on the bed. 

“Yeah, I really do. But…” 

Frowning, you tilt your head. “What?”

“I think addin’ some portraits to your collection would make it even better.” 

“What? Why?”

“I dunno, just think fillin’ it with pretty people would make it nicer to look at.”

“Oh, yeah?” You chuckle, “Like who?”

Turning his head, Joel gives you a knowing look. “You.”

And no matter how hard you roll your eyes, you can’t hide your smirk. “You’re so cheesy.”

“Made you smile though, didn’t it?” 

Another eye roll and he’s closing the book, tossing it on the ground before climbing up to sit beside your smaller frame. Resting his back against your headboard, you again turn to face him, barely an inch away now. 

Joel sighs, those warm eyes staring into your own. “Don’t you know how pretty you are?”

He’s yet to be so forward with you, and it’s making your limbs tingle with a gentle sense of bashfulness. And this sensation only intensifies when he sits up, crossing his legs and leaning toward you just a bit. Gently, his hand lands on your knee, thumb rubbing you kindly. 

Licking his lower lip, his eyes dart down to your mouth before returning to your entrancing orbs, taking in a deep breath when you say, “I think I’m starting to.” 

And after that, his hand is lifting to your face, each of his advances made with slow intention so you have room to deny him at any point. But you don’t, you only lean into him. 

Keeping your hands in your lap, you let him take the lead, swallowing timidly just before your lips meet. It feels like taking a breath of fresh air, but it also feels like you just jumped out of a plane. Something about Joel is so exciting yet calming, so new yet reassuring. 

Joel’s hand settles warmly on your cheek, holding you close to him as he experiences you this way. To know that you accepted this advance makes his heart soar with pride and gratitude. He hasn’t felt something like this in so long, and it’s been calling out to him; ever since she left. And he thinks Tess would’ve liked you. 

“Why don’t you come here?” Joel mumbles against your lips after only one kiss. And like the love-struck girl you are, you do as you’re told.

Joel only intends for you to shift closer to him, to lean into his lap, but you interpret his request differently. Taking things to a new level, you climb onto him, his legs straightening out as you do. And even though his eyes widen in surprise, he doesn’t reject you. Your pulse is drumming an erratic rhythm in your ears, your lungs quivering inside your chest as you situate yourself over him. But then, you’re not quite sure what to do, your hands dropping to your thighs awkwardly. But Joel knows what he wants from you. Grabbing them, he urges you to place your palms on his shoulders, and once you do, both of his hands quickly reach out for you. 

“C’mere…” It’s a small whisper, one said as his eyes flutter shut and your lips meet again.

The scruff of his graying facial hair rubs against your lips and cheeks, but you don’t mind; you actually like the sting. Your thighs tense on either side of his hips, chest resting against his while your palms run across the soft fabric covering his shoulders. It’s the first time you’ve done this together, and Joel decides to take his time with you because of it. Slowly, his lips run across your own, repeatedly returning to your mouth. Tilting your head, you move with him, sighing into every single kiss he gives. 

He almost has to refrain from being too forward with you, from lowering his hands to paw at your ass. Jesus, he’d love to just grip you in hand, kiss you breathless while you rub yourself down on his lap. 

Before Joel has the chance to do so himself, you’re sliding your tongue across his bottom lip, leaning even further into him. It takes him by surprise, but he accepts it, and does so wholeheartedly. Lowering both hands, they easily find your waist, his fingers squeezing you gently. And when you moan, lord, when you moan into him, it takes everything he’s got not to toss you down on the bed. 

Your breaths are already heavy, feeling the first true slide of your tongue across his. Joel’s warm sigh hits your skin when it happens, a small groan slipping from his throat. And those fingers tighten on your waist when you do it again, your lips curling into a smile at his reaction. 

“You’re really doin’ things to me.” His voice is low - rough and gravely. And it only stokes the flames burning in your belly. 

“You know,” Wiggling slightly, you hum playfully, feeling him grow between your legs. “I can kinda tell.”

He doesn't think he’s ever been more embarrassed. Already rosy cheeks turn a full, bright shade of red, his neck following suit as he flushes before you. But all you do is grin, leaning in to kiss him again. 

“And I kinda like it.” 

Usually, you wouldn’t be so forward with a man so early on. But honestly, what do you have to lose? The unwavering dominance Joel so openly exudes is something you’ve admired since you met him. And you’ve continued to discover more of his attractive qualities ever since. He’s strong, mentally and physically; he could make you feel safe, safe and cared for. You can already imagine it, him holding you in bed, his warm body protecting you through the night. You haven’t felt this sense of security in such a long time and you want that, you’re dying for that. 

Joel’s hands curl around to your back, caressing you fondly while your own slide down to the back of his neck. And for just a moment, Joel stills against you, taking a breath. 

“You know,” He sighs, swallowing quickly. Lifting his hand, he brushes it over the side of your face, cupping your cheek again. “I’m really taking a likin’ to you.” 

“I really like you, Joel.” Leaning in, you rest your forehead against his, fingers petting timidly at his neck. “At first you were kind of an ass,” And at this, you both breathe out a laugh. “But I think I’m starting to see through that now.” 

“I’m sorry.” His expression is genuine, a small ounce of hurt in his eyes. He never wanted to push you away. 

Shaking your head, you reassure him, “You don’t have to be.” And then, a thought wanders into your head. Timidly, you glance down, licking your lower lip. “How, um… how long has it been? For you?”

When you look back up you’re met with a somber expression, not outwardly, but you can tell by the wrinkles in his face that he’s hurting. “Couple years.” Comes his quiet mumble, his own eyes darting away, too. “Lost her pretty quick and I, well… it’s been hard.” He nods firmly at this, as if to show his own agreement with the statement. “You?” 

“A while,” You have nothing to hide from him, and feel that this is the time to truly be open. “At least six years since I’ve let someone in like that.”

“It’s hard to trust.” Joel comments, warm eyes looking deeply into your own.

“Yeah…” Sighing out your emotions, you try to keep yourself collected. “There are just so many things that have happened around me, to me, I just… I didn’t exactly have a normal upbringing.” 

“I can imagine.” He can’t even comprehend how difficult it must have been to grow up during this pandemic. 

“On top of my own insecurities,” Shaking your head, you breathe out a laugh of disbelief. “I don’t know how I survived long enough to get here.”

“Insecurities?” Cocking his head, his forehead crinkles with confusion. “What do you have to be insecure about?” 

Shrugging, you close your eyes, feeling your emotions bubble inside. “Haven’t always been happy with how I look, I guess.”

“Has a man never told you how pretty you are, honey?” Joel asks, his words warm and caring. And it makes your cheeks tingle. 

“Not just my face.” 

“Your body?” All you do is nod. “Jesus…” Turning his head, Joel takes in a breath. “Honey, if I’m speaking freely… my hands feel like wanderin’ every time I see your body.” 

At this, your eyes widen ever so slightly, your heart lurching into your throat when he says it. You’re not sure what you expected him to say from your timid confession, but you definitely weren’t expecting that. Though, it’s not like you don’t favor his reaction. 

“Really?” You giggle in disbelief, raising a brow at him. You’d always been insecure about your body, mainly your midsection. There are some rolls on your sides that extend to your back that you’ve always despised. And no matter how hard you tried to get rid of them, they never left. 

“Hell yes.” He emphasizes with a firm  squeeze on your waist again. “You’re just the type of woman I wanna curl up with at night.” 

Grinning, your arms slide up and around his neck, bringing you even closer to him. With the tip of your nose rubbing against his, you reply, “Maybe we can arrange that sometime.” 

Joel grins at your offer, humming happily while his palms run down your back. “I’d like that.” 

A breath of contentment leaves him, both of you enjoying the brief silence that then consumes the room. He’s sturdy beneath you, fingers continuing to move slowly over your covered skin. And you don’t move your faces away, either, simply resting in each other’s embrace. 

“I’ve been thinkin’,” Joel then says, staring down at your lips. “How about I take you out? Really take you out. Maybe buy you a drink?” He feels like it’s only right. It doesn’t sit well with him, knowing that you’re on his lap kissing him breathless before he’s even taken you out to eat. 

“Oh? At the only bar in town?” You tease, referencing the first time he worked up the nerve to ask you out. 

Chuckling, he nods. “At the only bar in town.” 

*

*

*

It’s not exactly a fancy establishment, but you still change into nicer clothes for your small outing. And while your pair of jeans and black long sleeve may not seem so special to you, Joel is having a hard time not outwardly ogling you. Everything just conforms to your body so nicely, fitting snugly along your hips and backside, up your tummy to your full chest. You’re such a pretty thing to look at, such a sexy thing to look at. 

“You feelin’ hungry?” Joel asks, releasing a sigh at his inner thoughts.

Shrugging, you climb onto one of the bar stools with Joel taking a seat beside you. “I could eat.”

The bartender comes by, introducing himself as Grant. He seems nice enough, an older gentleman wearing a thick jumper that makes him look larger than he actually is. 

“Just an IPA.” Joel nods, offering a friendly grin. 

“And for our new lady?” Grant asks, having not been introduced to you yet. 

“A vodka tonic?”

“Comin’ right up.” He nods, turning to walk off. 

“There’s a menu here,” Joel tells you, reaching over to grab and then hand it to you. “They’ve got some ‘lil appetizers.” 

In less than five minutes, your drinks are on their designated coasters, and your food order is in. You’d picked out the spinach artichoke dip, the dish happening to be one of Joel’s favorites. 

“So, how’re you likin’ the town so far?” 

While Joel takes a sip from his bottle, you watch him, eyeing the way his Adam’s apple bobs when the drink is swallowed.

“Haven’t seen much of it other than an angry cowboy and his brother.” 

“An angry cowboy?” Joel snickers, “That what I am?”

“Well, I mean, you’ve got the accent to match.”

“You like my accent.” He remarks sassily, looking away with a cheeky grin. 

“Maybe.” Stirring your own drink, you then comment, “This is nice. But… I kinda miss your food.” 

He’s surprised by this, turning back to you as he says, “Really?”

“Yeah.” Smiling, you reminisce on the recent memory. “I really liked having you cook for me.” 

“Honestly, I liked doin’ it.” 

“Seems like she’s had enough to eat.” 

Immediately, your eyes widen, blood running hot beneath your skin. 

The comment came from behind you, and was made by a man you’ve yet to see or meet, but one that Joel has interacted with quite frequently. And not in the most pleasant of ways. 

His friend then returns, “Clearly. Haven’t seen a girl that size since I came to Jackson.” 

Forcing away the sting in your eyes and the lump growing in your throat, you internalize your rising emotions. You’re angered you’d even let their comments affect you. According to most of the men you’ve interacted with throughout the pandemic, you should be much smaller than you actually are. What with there being food shortages. People even had the nerve to call you greedy. 

But while you’re trying to brush off your reaction, Joel can’t hide his anger. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see him. It almost scares you, the way his face twists, the furrow in his brow and the scowl on his face. Turning in his chair, Joel glares at the men. They’re sitting at a table only a few feet away from you. 

“It’s okay, Joel.” You really don’t want to make a scene. 

“I don’t think it is.” Standing from his chair, he takes a step toward them, but you reach out with a pleading hand. Placing it on his chest, his eyes shoot down to your face upon feeling the contact. 

“Joel.”

“Are you sure?” He asks, and there’s real worry in his eyes. 

Nodding, you release a saddened and defeated breath. “I’m fine. Can we just… could you walk me home?” 

You’ve gone quiet and it breaks him, it fucking breaks his heart. He only just convinced you of his attraction for you, for your wonderful mind and gorgeous body. 

“Okay.” 

After asking Grant for a box, he packs up the rest of your food and pays the tab, leading you towards the door. For the first time, his hand moves to your lower back, already feeling a sense of protectiveness overcome him. And he keeps it there on the walk back, allowing you to snuggle up against him. 

As you continue you on through the snow, Joel’s hand gradually moves from the small of your back to fully wrapping around your frame, hugging you to his side. He’s warm, keeping you snug against him while he walks you home. 

Turning his head, he presses his lips to your temple once your feet reach the front door. “Would it be alright if I came in?”

“Sure.” You’re still quiet, timid. 

Stepping into the warmth of your home, you both kick off your shoes, Joel following you into the living room. He watches you sit on the couch, folding your arms around yourself. And he sits, too. 

“Were you… embarrassed?” You can’t even bring yourself to look at him. 

“What?” He asks, something akin to disheartened concern washing over his face. “Sweetheart, no.” Your insides jump at the new word. It’s the first time he’s ever called you that. 

Shuffling closer to you, he swallows, trying to compose himself. “You, you have to know how beautiful you are.” 

Almost unable to help himself, he reaches for you, but hesitancy then takes over. Retracting his hands, his thumbs shuffle over the knuckles of his fingers, feeling nervous but determined. 

“You’re the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen, even before I came to Jackson.” He expresses wholeheartedly to you, briefly referencing the man’s comment but trying to make it better with his own twist. 

“I think, I mean…” Rubbing the back of his neck, he sighs. Will his next words be comforting, or too much? “I think your body is amazing.”

“You don’t have to say that.”

“Exactly.” His response is immediate, his tone prompting your eyes to find his. “No one’s making me say that, I’m sayin’ that.”

You can tell he’s trying his damndest to reassure you, to make sure you know how lovely he finds you. And not only this, but he wants you to feel better about yourself, too.

But inside, you’re crumbling. You’d distanced yourself from people for so long and for so many reasons. You were barely Ellie’s age when you so suddenly found yourself alone. Traveling across state lines with absolutely no sense of direction, no indication of where to go or what to do. All you knew was you had to get away from people, you couldn’t trust anyone’s intentions, and you were scared to death of the disease. For the most part, you camped in the woods, and it’s been quite a while since you heard a comment like that. It seems silly to worry about now, about someone’s words instead of finding food for yourself. But if you know anything about people, it’s that they can gossip. You’re new in town, after all, it was only a matter of time. 

“I just…” Sighing out a small shiver, your eyes drop again. “I think I need some time.” Joel’s compliments are overwhelming, in both good and bad ways. You’re not sure how to feel.

“Did I do anything wrong?” He feels like he’s breaking inside, like his emotions are so swollen they could burst right in his chest. This hasn’t lasted long but he doesn’t want this to end, please don’t let this end.

“No, it’s not about you, Joel.” You’re muttering, feeling shameful. You’re embarrassed you’re letting your own insecurities and pasta traumas get in the way of this, of the most exciting thing you’ve experienced in years. “I just need to think about this.” 

Without even meaning to, Joel’s head hangs a little low. The fabric of your faded brown couch looks pretty interesting right about now; it serves as a small distraction, and is the only reason he can think of to prolong his time here. But he won’t overstay his welcome. 

“Okay.” He returns, voice quiet and low. And if you think on it, you swear you heard it crack, too. “I’ll uh, um… I’ll go, if you want me to.” 

Tears pooling in your eyes, you can’t even look up when you say, “I think that’d be best.” 

With another timid nod, Joel stands, and slowly, too. Rubbing his hands together, it takes him a second to turn, but when he does, he keeps walking until he’s through your front door. And once he closes it behind him, the havoc inside your mind consumes the quiet space around you. 

[saintgoths]

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ᴛᴡᴇɴᴛʏ-ᴏɴᴇ

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE - KAI.

WORDS - 2,533.

RATING - G+. [canon typical violence].

SUMMARY - as the appearance of tora rattles isabella, isabella finds ways to have tora scared of her status while ivy quickly figures out who joel meant when he said he knew someone who was also immune aside from venus.

if you want to join a the last of us discord/joel miller discord here you go! 𓆩♡𓆪

14TH OF FEBRUARY 2014

Lilith could barely see what was happening around her as the azure sky was dim and aphotic, alone, Lilith had just gotten away from a bunch of infected, paranoid and low of tools, shortly after, Lilith had heard the deranged and maddened noises of infected that hastily overwhelmed her, out of luck for her gear and appliances, Lilith had thought to run for her life until noises of bullets pierced through the darkness, the weapons took out of what was left of the creatures.

A man, about her age exposed himself to Lilith’s sight, briskly urged the woman to follow him before anymore of the infected could chase after them, the two scrambled and raced away from their current location and to a zone where the man was sure they two were going to be safe.

They had reached a discarded coffee shop that seemed to have much supplies the two could collect from, the man had closed the coffee door shop while Lilith had placed her bag against the closest dusty table whilst the man had done the same.

“Thank you,” Lilith kindly thanked the stranger, genuinely grateful for his conduct.

He welcomed her as he brought out his hand for the woman to shake, “I’m Kai,” he benevolently introduced himself, “short for Kaileen.”

Lilith sneered at his introduction, humoured by his identity. “My mother named me that,” Kai smiled entertained by her diverted state.

“Now why would your mother name you that?” Lilith questioned, authentically curious on his mother’s thought process. Truthfully, Isabella thought the name Kaileen was a woman’s name.

Unbothered, Kai shrugged his shoulders, “I guess she was in a funny mood,” he happily retorted, unoffended by Lilith’s amused stance. “Now, it’ll be rude if you didn’t tell me your name,” he chiefly said, notably curious about Lilith’s integrity.

Quiet, Lilith had concepted of her integrity, the silence between them stiff and inept. Lilith herself didn’t even know who she was, her identity blank and artless, but furthermore, she had thought of the identity she would supply to the man in hopes to get it over with.

“Isabella,” she thoughtfully replied, confident and assured of her new coherence.

Perhaps she didn’t want to be associated with Lilith anymore, amidst all the pain and suffering she had to endure when she was under that name, Isabella no longer wanted to be corresponded with that handle.   

“Just Isabella?” Kai asked, his eyes bright with curiosity.

Isabella confidently had nodded her head, convinced of her new moniker.

“Do you know where you’re off too?” Kai impertinently inquired the young woman who had paused once more, unsure of the path she had to go. Aware of her hesitant and custodial deportment, Kai supplied her with an innocent smile to brace and console her that he wasn’t danger to her. “I just want you to be safe to wherever you’re going.”

Still confused and guarded, Isabella had furrowed her eyebrows, unsure to keep her walls down around Kai. “Why do you care?” She briskly questioned, stiff and suspicious of the man who innocently stood opposite her.

“I’m just being kind,” he genuinely replied, he kindly bounced his shoulders, precise to make her comfortable.

Isabella had thought about it, he had saved her life, if he wasn’t good, he would’ve left her to die by the hands of the infected.

“I have nowhere to go,” Isabelle shortly replied, “I’ve just been on the run, that’s all.”

“Well, I��ve been looking for a society,” Kai had told her, “I’ve been told that they’re welcoming and safe. Stay with me, and let’s go together to find them.”

Hesitant, Isabella had theorised of all the debatable and hypothetical “what if” moments, if she had accepted his proposal, but she had thought that it would be nice to have someone accompany her in this decimation; Isabella now sanguine about his invitation had smiled at Kai, hopeful and secure of the two being together. “Okay,” she had agreed, hopeful for future events.

Kai happily gleamed at her, optimistic and upbeat about their future, he had directed Isabella to secure any tools that would be useful for them for their travel to the private civilisation. She had obeyed his command and picked up anything she deemed helpful as Kai did the same, when they were confident about their gear and machinery, the two left the abandoned coffee shop and began their route to the community.

Isabella had silently speculated and questioned herself on how stiffer and more incompetent the circumstance could get. Confused, Joel had wondered why the strange man had known of his name, and questioned him about it, and Isabella couldn’t have strayed the perplexed glances Joel supplied her with.

“I accompanied Isabella on her trip to Miami, we grew close throughout the travel,” Tora happily explained, mislaid of the intense glare Isabella had provided him with.

Curious, Joel clicked his tongue. “How did you two find each other?”

“He tried to steal Lana from me and I almost killed him for it,” Isabella promptly responded, fervent and bitter with her gaze that was essentially fervid enough to turn Tora into stone.

“Isabella knows how to pack a punch for sure,” Tora comically joked, “I’m pretty sure I’m still sore from all the action.”

Isabella had grinned, insightful that Tora’s statement was two-sided. “So, are you passing by with the travellers?” Isabella inquired, prurient of his arrival.

“No, I’m actually moving to Jackson,” Tora nimbly replied and Isabella’s discernible reaction was enough for Joel to speak.

“If you want Tora gone, tell me and I’ll settle it,” Joel soothingly allayed Isabella who was adequate to Tora’s stay.

She shook her head, passed on to Joel’s suggestion. “It’s fine,” she had muttered, “go to your duties,” she had ordered ere she delicately pressed her lips against the edge of his jaw, “I have a dinner to attend to.”

The rest of them had waited for Robin’s arrival, the dinner had started not too long ago but Isabella was convinced that Robin wouldn’t take long to come back home. Throughout the wait, the rest of the people had hushed conversations as Isabella placed down the remainder plate of foods she had made, as she prepared the table, Robin had entered the Rosalind home with his blonde friend beside him.

The two had sauntered into the dinner room, Scarlett timid to meet Robin’s family members had kept her figure close to the boy’s body, Scarlett slightly behind Robin’s physique, eyes shy and away from the rest of the people who sat around the bureau who were each as curious to the young lady who entered the Rosalind lodge.

“This is my friend, Scarlett,” Robin amiably introduced, noble and gratified of the new friend he had introduced to his family, the young man had also observed that Ellie had been invited to their dinner.

Honoured and content to meet Robin’s new associate, Isabella had forwarded herself gracefully to Scarlett, her smile deep and friendly as she brought herself to greet the blonde-haired girl. “Hello, Scarlett, it’s nice to meet you.”

“Hello Mrs. Rosalind,” Scarlett still shy and kept to herself had acutely blushed at the strong and prestigious charisma and style Robin’s mother cultivated.

Scarlett had heard how much of a refined and radiant woman Isabella was, even though she had this mysterious shadow that cloaked her, there was something ideal and sublime about the woman that drew people in.

The dinner had progressed and the chatter was loud and amiable; Isabella grateful for the guests and ecstatic of the peaceful and comedic energies that was passed around, Robin and Scarlett had given each other brief slants that Isabella easily peeped. Both of her brows raised, curious to what hidden information the two young friends shared, yet, Isabella wasn’t as nosy in her children’s life, she knew her healthy boundaries to her children’s privacy. Yet, Isabella was able to tell that the brisk glances Scarlett and Robin shared were the looks people would hold whenever they wanted to say something.

“Scarlett is staying for the night,” Robin hastily explained, his hand immediately reached for the glass cup that contained apple juice in the see-through chalice; Scarlett silent and nervous of his mother’s response who sat there confused.

“Why?” Isabella urged genuinely inquisitive to the stay over.

Once again, Robin and Scarlett looked at each other, Robin heedless on how to word Scarlett’s situation without exposing what was going on in front of everyone. The room silent and interested, Robin had shrugged his shoulders in hopes for someone to change the subject.

“Does the girl know how to speak?” Venus analytically questioned which had got her to earn a nudge from Ivy who then reminded Venus of Scarlett’s name.

“Oh, you come from the Lucille family?” Ellie had questioned the curly blonde who sat opposite her, in truly, it was to remind herself of Scarlett’s background, Scarlett had nodded at Ellie’s truthful inquiry, eyes kind and indulgent to the auburn-haired woman who sat across from her, who implied engaged with the younger girl’s identity, “oh I’ve heard about your mother, gossip said she’s not the best.”

Quietness had reached the dining room again as all eyes flickered to Scarlett who was unsure if she were to frown or keep away her emotions, “those are rumours,” Scarlett briskly replied, her reply curt and fast, Ellie mumbled an apology ere she resumed eating her food while Isabella silently observed Scarlett’s body language, during the time of her turbulent life, Isabella had grown to become a master of understanding the language of bodies. Moreover, right now, Isabella could see right through Scarlett.

“You can stay at Ivy’s room tonight,” Isabella generously replied, her smile there to comfort the girl who seemed more confident due to Isabella’s response.

“My room?” Ivy had complained, imperceptibly against the idea.

Isabella had eyed her, pretty annoyed at Ivy’s critique. “Ivy, you have a lodge to yourself.”

“Fine, I was going to be at my lodge anyways,” Ivy hastily retorted, promptly over someone sleeping in her room. Appeased by Ivy’s adaptable behaviour, the dinner continued on, harmonious and equable to Scarlett’s taste who hastily found herself comfortable in the presence of the people around her.

His home was small, yet, big enough for one person to occupy the newly built residency, the resident was built in land that had been recently opened for the newcomers, quite the walk from Isabella’s home, knowledgeable that the size difference of the house was vast compared to her Rosalind home.

She had knocked on the door, once again had examined the surroundings around her, it was night and the area seemed endless, the woman had noted there were other properties being built, some looked like shops, some looked like other homes or places to hang out.

“Izzy,” Tora happily greeted, content to her arrival, taken aback that the woman would even use her time to visit him, amidst her hands behind her back, Isabella gently smiled at the Moroccan man who briskly approved for the curly-haired woman to walk into his home.

With her free hand, Isabella had sealed and locked the door behind her, hardly gave Tora the time to speak once more fore she had begun to strike him with the bat she hid behind her with her attended hand. Her hits hard and harsh, merciless and cruel.

He had struck his hand out to protect himself from her upcoming blows, his voice pleaded and urged the Rosalind woman to hear to what he had tried to say.

“I just want to start a new slate! I don’t want to cause no trouble!”

Unmoved, Isabella had hoisted her bat, ready to swing, her eyes barbarous and cruel to the man who dared to trail her back to the private society. “Then why here?! Why Jackson!”

“The way you spoke about Jackson,” he quickly replied, “it inspired me to come here, even though you precisely mentioned for me to not come, I promise I won’t do any weird shit.”

Immediately regretful about telling Tora about where she resided, her grip had cemented around the tail of the bat, prepared to strike the man who rested helplessly below her, “are you really going to kill me?”

-She glowered and scowled at the curly-haired man, speculated if he tested her savagery. “Yes,” Isabella firmly replied as she readied herself to beat the bloke who thought of every possible variation to stay alive.

“What if I taught your children Arabic? Would you allow me to live?”

Isabella pulled herself back, in thought, ever since Kai had died, Isabella had been unlucky to teach her children Arabic hence she only knew a few words, Ivy did understand and speak Arabic better than her mother but it was limited and the oldest Rosalind sibling had taught her siblings what she could.

Having someone fluent in their father’s native tongue was conclusive and beneficial for her and her kids. “Get yourself to the Hospital and get yourself cleaned and stitched up; you teach them on Monday mornings.”

Past bothered about the state he was in, Isabella had exited Tora’s home and rebounded to her home without any extra thoughts of the chaos and turmoil she had put through the Moroccan man and had composedly slept in her bed.

Ivy couldn’t sleep, even if being cuddled up with Ellie made it easier for the Rosalind girl to fall into a trance, but there was something different about today, perhaps it was the cold wind that blew in from the open window in Ivy’s lodge. On the other hand, Ivy liked the cold, so that couldn’t have been it.

Ellie was fast asleep, like Ivy, Ellie found it comforting to sleep next to her lover, especially after their intimate sessions, Ellie loved it when Ivy would clothe herself in Ellie’s flannel even though Ivy had commented she felt low about Jackson’s fashion, it was Ellie’s attire she always found herself in.

Another thing about the Williams girl Ivy liked was her tattoo, the colouring, the patterns, the way the ink without flaw healed, Ivy had wanted to ask Ellie what the tattoo had meant but Ellie was private and secretive of the ink. The only information Ellie had told her about the emblem was that it was a chemical burn, Ivy had pondered how did she burn herself with chemicals but her girlfriend was already distant about it.

Upon as she examined the emblem on Ellie’s skin, the words from Joel Miller had filled her mind, and the right thumb of Ivy had trailed the chemical burn that heavily imprinted Ellie’s arm and had noticed that the pattern had resembled the mould and design of the bite on Venus’ lower left leg.

“I know someone else here in this community who is immune.”

The words had repeated in her head and Ivy’s contemplation and concept was fast, stunned and stupefied that the person Joel was talking about had always been around her, Ivy was balked and dissatisfied that her observing nature was lessened enough for her to not grasp that the immune person was Ellie.

masterlist

♆

[whiskeybeforesunset]

The Last of Us Masterlist

Joel Miller

[gg-pedro]

spin worlds - joel miller x reader oneshot

masterlist

summary: strings attached are easy enough to ignore when you're only trying to survive. when joel gets hurt, the world stops spinning, and you realize that you matter more to each other than you ever let yourselves believe.

warnings: 18+ MDNI, post outbreak!joel, boston!era, joel x reader, AFAB!reader, protective!joel, implied age gap, non-established relationship, set a few years before tlou hbo, hurt/comfort, non-gratuitous descriptions of a wound, hurt!joel, unprotected piv, fingering, end of the world sex, rough!joel, heavy on the petnames, drug/alcohol use, lots of feelings, its boston QZ joel so, angst with a happy ending, angst with fluff

words: 3.6k

a/n: is this what i really think the people want? maybe! is this what I want? absolutely yes!!!!!!!!!

-

Hundreds of nights spent with Joel since you’d been in Boston. Thousands of hours, words spoken to each other, yearning to stay in his arms longer and say more. 

The time you had with each other used to feel fleeting. Always after dark, sneaking around the QZ like you were teenagers together. It was a strictly private thing. It was almost like the two of you kept it a secret to feel a kind of thrill again, something from a past life, as if there was still right and wrong in the world and a little bit of something wrong was all you had left. 

That thrill wore off eventually, and you were with Joel for more than just the adrenaline hit. He made things more bearable and cut you deeper all at the same time. 

Flattened on his bed for yet another night, you got the feeling that something was bothering him. 

The sensation of cotton sheets was rough against your skin, acting as a futile means to abate the cold that was swirling through the apartment and raising the hairs on your arms. Your view was of his back, and the long, jagged scar that ran close to his spine. You reached your hand out to touch him and he flinched away.

“‘M goin’ out tomorrow. Without you,” he said, before you even had to ask. “Too many close calls lately.”

His voice was quiet and rough, sore from the dry air. You tried your luck at smoothing a hand across his shoulder, and this time he let himself lean into it.

“Doesn’t seem like that means you should go alone.” You pressed a kiss against his shoulder blade.

He turned his head to the side, not far enough to look you in the eye but far enough to confirm that you were there and not some twisted hallucination that he had dreamed up. “I’ll come back fine. I always do.”

Joel had this talent of convincing others that his word was his bond. He hardly had to try. When he spoke, it was like everyone sensed that they were in the presence of a kind of profit, and that he was privy to some knowledge or confidence that could keep people alive.

It didn’t help that he seemed to hold all of the knowledge in the world– knowledge about the important things. He could fix the leaky faucet in your bathroom blindfolded. Always knew what direction he was going in. Knew how to tie a million useless knots. Could look up to the night sky and point to Polaris like he was pointing to a map of Austin, showing you his old favorite diner that he went to every Saturday. I’ll come back fine. I always do. 

But Joel didn’t know anything. You’d been close enough to see that. He was just as frightened as you. But now more than ever, you wanted to trust him. Turn your back and fall, bet on the fact that he would stop the world from spinning to be there in time to catch you. 

Perhaps you were too easy, too willing to take what he gave. It was still heaven. Heaven, in a crumbling apartment building, sometimes with your restless mind placated by downers, draped across his silhouette. Sometimes you wondered, between the two of you, who deserved this life less. When you thought about it for too long, the answer was always Joel.

“Who are you meeting?”

He rubbed his palm against his forehead in slow circles. “One of my guys. Said he wasn’t gonna smuggle into the QZ anymore, son of a bitch.”

You only hummed in response, working your thumb into the knot in his shoulder. “And you trust him?”

“No.” He turned fully this time, his big hands roaming to the small of your waist and his lips to your jawline. “Sure as fuckin’ hell not enough to bring you out there this time.”

You grinned and smoothed his hair back off his forehead when he looked at you again. “Don’t have any faith in me, Miller?”

“You know that ain’t it, baby doll,” he whispered. “Don’t wanna take any chances with you.”

“Oh, yeah?” You laughed as he pulled you up onto his lap, looking deep in thought as he deliberated over where to plant kisses across your face and neck. “As if you’re ever careful with me.”

“I could be,” he said. “If you wanted.”

“Mmh, I don’t think I do.”

You looped your arms around his neck and he took your face fully into his hands. You felt almost engulfed as he kissed you. There was a fire blazing between you, and it felt like your clothes had melted away rather than been taken off with how quickly they disappeared. Your skin buzzed with desire, blood flowing to your most sensitive points. You felt limp like putty, lying in wait to be sculpted with the rough smearing of his hands across your body.

He was unrestrained in the way that he removed your roaming hands and pinned both arms above your head against the bed. “Y’think this isn’t gentle, princess? Yeah, let me show you rough.”

He split your legs apart, hand traveling to your warmed and wet entrance like a magnet. Three of his fingers were pumping short rhythms into you before you could even breathe, and your vision nearly went white. You writhed, helpless to the desperate moaning that was slipping past your lips until Joel pressed his hand against your mouth.

It all hurt so good. The sparking pleasure came and went so quickly with his movements that it felt like a continuous wave of ecstasy, even if he was stretching you close to your limit. 

He wouldn’t stop murmuring things in your ear throughout. “Think I’m gonna let you out there? Get you hurt? No, baby. I only hurt you ‘cause y’let me. Don’t you, hm? Can’t have you screaming, not with the neighbors.”

Despite his best efforts, he was only muffling the litany of sounds that you were producing as he finger fucked you raw.

After he could tell that he had brought you close to your tipping point, rough hands grabbed your waist and forced you to flip over. He pulled you up on your knees, and he turned your head to the side before forcing it down against the bed.

With one hand he fumbled with his belt, cursing in desperation as he struggled with it for a few moments. He went silent for a beat before white hot pleasure shot through your, and all you could hear was the rough slapping of your bare bodies connecting with each other. 

He was not gentle. It was clear that his pace and frequent position changes were to fulfill only his desires, and your own intense satisfaction was just a byproduct. You couldn’t complain. In fact, it would be foolish to complain. If this is what he was offering, then you would take all that he would give. 

He came quickly. He always did on nights like these, when you had given him some sort of permission to just use you for a while. You stared out to your left, looking for Orion in the cluster of stars outside his apartment’s window. You felt warm liquid spill into you and begin to drip onto your thighs as he continued thrusting. Tears blurred your vision as you followed suit, unraveling into a perfect little mess beneath him. 

“Knew you could take it, honey. You feel okay?”

“Mhm,” you said in a high-pitched tone, biting back tears as he sat you up.

He gathered your naked form into his arms and held you there for a while. He kissed the top of your head, and you wished you could’ve watched the starlight reflecting in his eyes for a little while longer.

“C’mon, I’ll get you cleaned up. Shower,” he said, more of a command than anything.

You followed his directions without responding. It wasn’t him that hurt you, not really. It wasn’t the vulnerability that stung you too deep. It was just the reminder that your relationship with Joel was far from merciful, cut from desperation and an utter decimation of the people you used to be. In another life, you knew that this wasn’t the way you could’ve loved each other.

After a luke-warm shower and a poor attempt of washing yourself clean of sin, you sat at the kitchen table in nothing but one of Joel’s denim flannels. Your hair was heavy and wet with water, leaving dark blue trails down the back of the button-up.

He smoothed an errant strand back from your forehead as he sat in the chair across from you, pouring whiskey from his decanter into two glasses. You suspected he had been drinking before you came over, but you never said anything.

You took a long drink before speaking. “When’re you planning on leaving?”

“Early.” You watched him pop a few white pills in his mouth and down the entirety of his glass. “Back before dark.”

“Could’ve just used water,” you mused. “Do you want me here when you get back?”

He looked over at you fully, that lazy smile and those sweltering brown eyes. “Hard times, darlin’. Hard times.” He removed his gaze to shake a couple more pills out of the cloudy plastic bag, leaning over the table to drop them next to your half-empty cup. “And yeah, I do. Stay.”

You stared blankly at what was in front of you, shaking your head. “Let me come, Joel.”

“You can’t negotiate with me on this. It’s a hard no.”

“Just don’t be an idiot. Please,” you bargained. “This doesn’t feel right.”

You watched him stand and walk over to you, resting a large hand on your upper back. “I’ll be back before dark,” he said again.

You looked up at him. “And if not?”

“I’ll be back.” He leaned down to kiss your temple. “I will be.”

You nodded. “I’ll be here.”

“Good,” he all but whispered. “Good, that’s all I want.”

-

True to his word, Joel was out early. 

Doubly true, with blood and sweat dripping from his hairline and into his eyes, Joel dragged himself forward as the sun set over the harbor.

November in Boston. Brutal, wintery wind whipped past his face and stung the open wounds that had been hashed into his skin. His vision swam, and he brought his sleeve up to his head again to try and stop some of the bleeding coming from the left side of his head.

You were right. Always right about nearly everything, you were. It was a trap. Maybe he could’ve taken the three guys that met him at the deal site if you had been there too, but he razed each one alone and hardly made it out alive.

You. He would’ve stopped a few miles ago if it weren’t for you. In the moment he could’ve cursed your name and damned you to hell for what you drove him to do. He could’ve sat on the curb, rested his aching back against that old lamppost with moss and flora to cushion his injured head. Shut his eyes and die already, a death that would’ve been so easy, one that he begged for a million times.

You. He stared up to the sky, praying to something that his directions were right as his eyes landed on the north star. A mile or two east, and he’d be at the QZ. His blurred vision made the light astigmatic, so he could only hope.

The pistol in his back pocket felt red hot as he stumbled eastward. The only force driving him forward was the thought of putting a bullet through the head of anyone that touched you.

This was his fault, afterall. He should’ve taken someone. Maybe it was your fault then, for mattering so much to him that nothing could bring him to put you in even the slightest bit of danger. No, none of it was your fault. Nothing was. You deserved a whole world that Joel couldn’t give you.

He’d get to you. He would.

-

Making good on his promise, you woke up cold in his empty bed.

You could’ve sworn you saw your own breath freeze in the air, through sunlight that shone through the infinite planes of the apartment. You reached a bare arm up towards the ceiling, trying to catch some of the warmth that it gave.

You had an entire day of work ahead of you, likely doing maintenance on the water system or making house calls to troubleshoot issues with the electricity. Life here had made you more useful and skilled than you had ever been before, and sometimes work felt like a welcome distraction. 

You got yourself up and dressed, picking up around his place before you made it out the door. The discarded pills on the kitchen table swirled down the sink along with yesterday morning’s coffee.

You knew how to take care of yourself more than he did. You weren’t sure why Joel fought you so hard on some things.

On the return trip to his apartment far past dinner time, you were smeared with dried sweat and soot. Your eyes passed the stars, and you repeated a silent prayer to yourself that Joel had already beat you home. 

Scaling the stairs to the third floor, you saw that fate had cruelly twisted your own wishes.

“... My fucking god, J– what happened? Hey, hey, look up at me, please–”

You were crouched before Joel’s slumped figure, barely aware enough to respond to your voice or your touch. His flannel shirt was torn, exposing a bloodied white undershirt rising and falling along with his rapid breathing.

He had a hand almost glued to this side of his head, stained with dried blood. He made a strained groaning noise as you pried it away to reveal a nasty gash to the area. You could’ve screamed yourself at the mere sight of the state he was in.

It was clear that he only had the strength to drag himself to his own front door because you had been idiotic to lock it before you’d left that morning. A stupid force of habit left over from a lifetime where locked doors and tidied apartments actually mattered. 

“Don’t… don’t, m’hurt, just…” his voice trailed off as his glassy gaze passed over your face. He was still trying to catalog you, ensure that you were still in one piece even while he was in stitches.

“I know, I know… you have to get up with me, Joel. Give me something here, fucking hell– on three, okay?”

You managed to get him to his feet as you jammed the key into the door and shoved it open. You were shouldering most of his body weight as you helped him to the first available chair at the kitchen table. Aside from his head, there was no other major injury to his body– it was mostly fine grazes and blossoming bruises on his chest and arms. You filled a glass with water and poured it over the wound on the left hemisphere of his head, trying to clear away some of the dried blood that had matted down his curls.

He writhed in his seat and you tried to soothe him with gentle words and touch as often as you could. It was deep, as if he’d been hit with something dull, but not deep enough to be fatal itself. You exhaled at that conclusion and begged to the ceiling that you were correct about it. 

You sterilized the area with whiskey poured onto a kitchen rag and bit your lip as Joel hissed and swore in response. You made him hold the cloth there as you scavenged the apartment for something, anything that could be considered proper to wrap the area with.

“Bad deal… it went bad, baby, I tried… thought they were gonna hurt you here…” he mumbled to you once you returned with a t-shirt you had begun to shred into ribbons.

“Hurt me? I’m fine, and god, you aren’t. I’m fine. Nobody’s gonna hurt me. Us,” you added quietly, slowly removing his hand from his head again.

“Mkay… ow, you’re killin’ me, darlin’, s’fine, you don’t gotta do all that,” he said weakly.

You said nothing as you tried wrapping the makeshift gauze tightly enough to still apply pressure around his head. Realistically, he needed stitches, or at the very least some sort of proper medical assessment. Curfew had already passed and doctors were few and far between to begin with, so you could only hope that this would be enough to stop the bleeding. Keep him awake and alive.

When you were finished, you slumped down in the chair next to him, your hand still gripping tightly onto his shoulder. “What’s your birthday?”

“Why’re you–”

“–Answer me, Joel, I swear to god–”

He squeezed your hand limply. “September 26th. It’s November now, ‘18, I think? What, you want me to say my ABC’s too, or…”

Your laugh cut him off, shaky and very nearly turning into a sob. “I hate you. I hate you so much, you know that? I told you not to be an idiot, and you…” your voice trailed off, and he took both of your hands into his.

“I know. Hate you too, baby… can’t believe you patched me up.”

You couldn’t believe it either, or the fact that he cared enough about you to drag himself from the city back to the QZ out of fear that whoever had hurt him was going to hurt you, too. If that wasn’t the closest thing to love you’d ever been shown, you didn’t know what was.

He slept very carefully in your arms for a few hours that night, after you had gently washed the rest of his body and cleaned some more of the noticeable wounds. You couldn’t sleep at all, kept awake by a compulsion to check the bleeding on his head and make sure that he was still breathing through all of it. 

Despite it all, the two of you didn’t feel fragile. Something unspoken was heavy in the air, something that said you both cared for each other so deeply that no circumstance could stop you from taking care of each other. Joel would do it for you, too. In the meantime, you were glad he didn’t have to.

-

In the morning Joel explained how he’d been jumped by his supplier and a few of his friends, and how he’d lost both the ammunition he was trading and the opiates and cigarettes. You thought that was a small price to pay for escaping with his life, but his stubbornness fought you on that point. 

You paid a sort of friend of yours– a former nurse– all of your ration cards from the last week to stitch up his head the following afternoon, much to Joel’s utter dismay and protest.

“It’s already done. I already paid,” you had told him, staring into his eyes with a hand cupped to his cheek. “Please just let him. Please.”

For you, your words said. For you, I would. 

He said nothing, but he sat for the few minutes of what must’ve white-knuckling pain to let the wound be sewn shut. I would, too, he echoed back. For you. You held his hand through it, even if that comfort was more for you than it was for him.

You forced him to just rest with you for the rest of the afternoon, hoping that the expired antibiotics you had been saving would nip the traces of the fever he had started to run. If that didn’t work, you promised him you would look for something that did.

Staring up at you in bed, he tucked your hair behind your ears and looked as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t. “You didn’t have to do all this, y’know. It was my own fault.”

“I did, though,” you replied as you smoothed your thumb across his cheek. “I  couldn’t do all of this without you.”

He cracked a smile. “Don’t flatter me just ‘cause I’m dyin’ over here. You’re better than me at ‘all of this’.”

You had hoped that your effort to keep him alive would’ve told him that you did in fact need him, almost more than anything, but in the moment it was fine. You would show him a million times over if that's what it took.

Instead, you rolled your eyes. “You aren’t dying. Don’t be an asshole. I do need you. How else would I spend my time if I didn’t have you to worry about?”

“Don’t know.” He grinned up at you. “You’d be a hell of a lot richer, I think. Not wasting all your rations on some old man.”

“Mmh, maybe, but I like to spoil you,” you said through a smile.

He pulled you down next to him with a soft c’mere, and you laughed as he tucked you in close to him and he buried his face in the space between your neck and shoulder. You could tell the wear on his body was making him achy when he tensed before having to let you go.

You smoothed his hair off his forehead, your fingers brushing against the clean bandages wrapped around his head. “I’ll run you a bath, if you want.”

He shut his eyes against the cool touch of your hand and nodded. “That’d be nice, honey. Real nice.”

That’s all he would ever have to say. Even less and you’d still do anything for him. He would never even have to ask.

-

[zombiiegrr]

no one knows . 💌

dbf ! joel x fem! reader

cw : dumbification, a bit of overstimulation, slight degrading, heavy praise, age gap (Joels 40, readers 21 ) , daddy kink , slightly pentup joel, mentions of breeding, bit of jealousy talk of exhibition and sex with multiple of ppl. afab reader !! w she/her pronouns ..

there’s a slight mention of his arms being the size of your face and him holding you up while u.. welp! but fyi Joel is beefy and over 6’2 in this fanfic just for my own “personal” liking he is STRONG cause im a big girl myself don’t feel like you gotta size down for this! not at all. enjoy sweetheart ≧◡≦

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You were beautiful and finally wanted to visit home. College in California was amazing being originally from Dallas, Texas loving the beaches and the social life back in Cali away from your Christian strict family who didn’t understand the point of being an adult is living your life not doing anything that other people wanted you to do but living how you wanted to.

everyone was trying to talk to you sliding smart remarks about you “developing and showing it” all giving you fake smiles as they “ adjusted” your shirt that was perfectly appropriate but had to have the church’s approval. You quickly make your way away from everyone and made the small walk about to your childhood home. You walked in taking a deep breath looking for your father making your way into the garage 

Honestly you were distracted , not by everyone calling and wanting to see you, not by people wondering how you grew into a women so fast and making you uncomfortable with the way they were adjusting. no you were distracted by the man working on the car before you in your fathers garage covered in car oil who surprised you 

Joel miller

You would never say that you were shy or even think after dealing with college boys that any man would make you feel nervous or even needy. But Joel managed to make you feel like a teen again he made you want his attention by doing small things like bending over and spilling water on your white shirt trying to make eye contact with him not winning as he locked eye contact with you.

you greeted your dad handing him the water he yelled for when you walked in, bending over to see the older man under the car who wanted anything to drink or snack on.

“s’okay darlin lemme finish this part up and I’ll take you on that offer” he answered grunting as he fixed up the small part he was screwing back into place his arms looked like the size of your face he put his strength into this small piece of the car

you felt like a perv as you watched his whole bodywork on this car sliding out looking around for his small towel to wipe anything that got onto his face in the way. you didn’t dress up not expecting him to wear an old volleyball jersey and some cherry-printed shorts with long white socks that you grabbed from your father's room

you suddenly felt underdressed and he looked at every detail of your outfit making you feel like changing into something he might like. As he finished up standing reminding you how he felt like he was towering over you as he reached to put the oil behind you not breaking eye contact.

your dad invited him over for the game wanting to drink beer and asked you if you wanted to join. You didn’t know anything about football or anything they talked about but you knew Joel would be there and agreed to watch the game with them.

Joel said he would head over to his place to freshen up cause he was covered in oil and sweat. you thought about putting something nicer but didn’t want to be obvious that you were trying to impress him you felt so desperate for this older man’s attention as he slip out of your home.

you decided to just breathe and clear your mind and relax clearing any impure thoughts in your mind before walking out into the living room again. You did put on a tad bit of perfume and some lip gloss staying in your room until you hear Joel’s trunk pull up again.

He let himself in and after twenty minutes you sat in between your father and Joel as the game went on. Your dad had about 3 beers at this time and wasn’t even staying awake for the game and started to fall asleep excusing himself for a “break” knowing he was going to knock out. Joel didn’t say much as he was focusing on the game as he stretched his arm on the armrest behind you closing in the space between the both of you.

“So. College?” Joel broke the silence making you perk up from looking at your thighs.

“College..” you mumbled not knowing where he was going with that but happy to talk to him.

“Any new things you can’t share with your father” he joked with a visible smirk growing

you playfully pushed his arm “wouldn’t you like to know” you replied

“so not the good girl I know anymore? shoulda known” now that got a reaction out of you due to the nickname you sure did enjoy.

“I haven’t been for a while mr. miller” you whispered as you put you head back on the couch. he looked at you clearly not focused on the game anymore

“speak up honey didn’t quite hear you.” he said not letting you break eye contact with him while he took in all of your reactions.

“I'm not a good girl anymore Mr. miller” you said loud enough for him to hear you not wanting to be quiet this time. The look he was giving you wasn’t clear you couldn’t tell if he was upset or turned on by whatever you were saying but you didn’t want to stop.

he just kept looking at you. You wanted to beg him to say something looking at you like he wanted something from you but didn’t want to say it. Like he was scared of doing something like if he wouldn’t be able to stop himself but that was you just hoping

“gotta watch that mouth sunshine or you're gonna give me the wrong idea” he said as he arm left from behind you rubbing his eyebrows

“what? you scared sir?” that got his attention as he shot his eyes at you. “it’s almost like you lost that touch I would hear you and my dad talking about I wanna see what the fuss is about”

“geez you are gonna kill me sugar” he laughed to you as he adjusted his pants “I have no clue what your talking about. I ain’t lost my touch”

you took a swing of the left over beer you had on the table scooting your hips a bit closer to him

“Maybe those college boys just don’t know what they're doing” You paused looking at him, while he watched you waiting for the rest of your sentence “They don’t know how to make me feel good Joel, or is that just all men?” You whispered in his ear as you could see his pants getting a bit tight again giving you a confidence boost.

You excepted another shut down or him telling you to watch your mouth but you felt his hands pulling you by your hips and the other pulling you by your face his lips tasting like candy and beer mixing the fruit flavors you had placed on the table

“Ain’t you a dirty girl” is all he said as you moaned against his lips looking for some relief while your body ached to be touched by the older man in front of you. You were now sitting in his lap as you rode his thigh as he kissed your neck and collarbone. You didn’t know how or why it took so little for him to touch you but you didn’t care.

He held your thighs in place laughing at how needy you were for him he stopped kissing you and just was taking a good look at you sighing

‘m suppose to be watching the game” he said while rubbing your thighs clearly hard underneath you. “we shouldn’t do this darlin” he whispered

“but you want to” you answered grinding yourself on him as he grunted gripping your thighs a bit tighter. He kissed your arm a bit more and told you for your good he would be heading home.

“joel-.” He cut you off with a kiss then a kiss on the forehead telling you to head to bed.

You couldn’t believe you got womanly blue balled and knew you had to keep getting back at him.

you walked him out with a clearly frustrated look making him laugh at you again. As he said his goodbyes telling you to rest easy.

you weren’t gonna make this easy for him

two days later . 💌

You greeted the small group of ppl your father had invited over getting water from the fridge happy that your dad had gave up on making you change your outfits since 10th grade.

you wore that shirt on purpose. you were teasing him. he sat with a hard-on while you served everyone drinks with that cute white sheer t-shirt with a cute red lace push-up sticking out while your cute miniskirt struggled to stay covering your ass as you bounced around the kitchen you’d purposely bend over a little farther every time you gave a drink to someone in front of him spreading your legs fat enough for him to see what he wanted but for so short of time.

“excuse me Joel” you giggled as you gave him a clear view of under your skirt in front of all your father's friends “passing” by him to sit inside on the couch.

the men started asking you the same questions, about the school, and my plans for afterward you would feel Joel’s eyes on you as you shamelessly flirted with the older men at the table

you pulled out your phone texting the number you stole from your dads phone excusing yourself to the bathroom

“hi there mr.miller” you texted waiting for a reply as you watched him look at his phone from the bathroom window.

he smirked a bit before replying “Get out of the bathroom” You giggled as you reached to take a picture of the wet mark growing in your underwear under your mini skirt pulling your underwear to the side a bit showing a little more for him. you sent the picture then looked out the window to see his reaction

he spit on his drink and quickly excused himself from the table making you laugh as you exited the bathroom looking at your phone to see you were still on read. you giggled as you walked not watching where you were going feeling an arm pulling you back to the bathroom you had just left

“Are you batshit? right in front of your father? aint you a dirty bitch did you want them all to see” he was so angry you could see his muscles flexing all of his insults went straight to your underwear and you could feel yourself getting wetter and wetter for him as he pushed you against the bathroom door locking it behind you

“getting so worked up over a picture geez how long as it been” you joked throwing coal in the fire as you watched for his reaction

“Such a dirty mouth. s’okay you just need a man to fuck it shut. on your knees” You crossed your arms acting as if you wanted nothing more than his cock bruising your throat

“don’t fucking make me make you” You giggled at him as you went down slowly feeling him force you down faster sliding his sweats down sliding his boxers down next. he was so big and heavy it’s not like you didn’t guess he would be but seeing it up close scared you a bit. he told you to open up so you did way quicker than you probably should’ve giving you no time as he started to tease you before giving you one last breath and stuffing your throat

He was laughing at all the noises you made and the way you pulled on his sweats and squeezed his thighs you could take it you knew you could but you didn’t know he would make you take it so fast

“‘m gonna cum faster then i wanted to fucking tight throat ” you hummed on his cock as he gave you no mercy letting out curses and groans he pulled your head back and started to jerk off right above your face groaning as you looked him right in the eyes

“silly girl you just wanted attention aint that right” he joked as he slapped himself on your cheek grabbing your head once again and slamming himself right back into your throat

“fucking showing off in front of everyone. you want them to fuck you too? all of us fuckin you dumb” you shook your head as he pulled out of you to let you talk

“no no i want you” you mumbled while taking deep breaths as you watched him jerk off in front of you again.

“I know sugar I know cause i wouldn let anyone fuck what’s mine,” he said as you finally make your throat feel full again. He started to shake and grip your head harder as he let out more praises for you

“fuckin take it fuck me” he whispers as he paints the inside of your throat with his cum making sure you shallow and don’t waste a drop of him. As he finally comes back to his senses he starts to kiss your forehead as you hear your father calling out to you for being gone for a while

you try to call back even with the sore throat saying you would be right there. Looking at Joel who looked more relaxed shooting him air kisses and you walked out of the bathroom.

a few days later 🥀

you missed Joel texting him once and a while teasing him with pictures getting a call right away. You had the house to yourself as you walked around in pretty underwear and a small top you had since the junior year you jumped when you seen a man inside your sink you noticed right away it was the man you had been cumming to for the last few nights.

you cleared your throat making him aware of you and seeing him peak out while looking you up and down as he kept working

“ain’t you up early” he grumbled and he sounded like he finished up whatever he was working up sitting up and starting to clean and wash his hands in the sink

you just looked at him as he washed his hands and nails being such a clean man. you suddenly felt needy for him again realizing he hasn’t even touched you and you’ve had his cock in your mouth

you started to rub on his arm making him look at you real quick then looking around

“what time do you think your dad will be back” he asked

“around 9 pm it’s only 10 am right now,” you said giving him a nice view of the cute underwear you threw on he chuckled at you and bit your shoulder gently and kissed up slowly. you wiggled under him wanting more as you started to hold yourself in place bending you over the kitchen counter. he slowly took off your underwear dropping to his knees and letting out a beautiful sound while he looked at your bare cunt already wet for him he slowly kiss around your thighs and made his way slowly to your aching core not knowing when or how he was going to touch you

you felt him kiss your clit making you moan softly as he opened you up slowly he was focusing hard on your clit and it was driving you over the edge already. You had wanted him so bad and now you had him and you could feel yourself losing it quickly he brought his hand up along your leg squeezing gently finally bringing his long fingers up to your begging body

his thick fingers stretched you out nice as you squeezed around him leaning on the kitchen sink you couldn’t breathe and didn’t know how you were so close to just his fingers and mouth.

“I ain’t the stupid boys you fuck around with dumb girl,” he said gripping your face and making you look at him as he used his mouth to play with your desperate clit. “s’okay gonna fuck that cunt straight baby girl so desperate for a breeding” That drove you over the edge as he touched everywhere you needed

“m sorry Daddy” You had never called anyone that before never feeling like it never fit with the boys the same age as you seeing as they never did this much foreplay with you.

He kept his eyes on you as he smirked at the name you had slipped out. he forced you to look at him not that you wanted to look at anything else. you repeated the nickname slower while you clenched around his fingers.

“aint that fucking pathetic. you want me that bad?” you nodded quickly as he was laughing at how shameless you were being for him. “such a stupid girl”

you could feel yourself getting closer as he continued to lick your sensitive clit while fingering you as the wet sounds grew and grew

“m gonna- can i?” you felt yourself asking if you could cum for him knowing you would even if he said no way to close to stop yourself now

“cum for you ‘daddy’ darlin” You allowed yourself to cum while slightly mocking you keeping the same pace which you were happy for not even begging to argue with him mocking you as it turned you on even more. He didn’t stop after you came holding you in place as you shook in his mouth feeling tears touch your cheeks taking all of him and he enjoyed your reaction. you couldn’t take it anymore gripping his hair crying out for him as you started to cum again so quickly

It took you so long to stop shaking on his fingers before he pulled your arm walked you to your bedroom and pushed you onto your bed you legs were shaking as you still felt sensitive from the overstimulation in the kitchen. You could hear his belt buckle coming off and felt his hands touching you all over again as he stretched your pussy wider lining himself up against your wet hole you couldn’t help but shake underneath him looking at how big he was again

“is it gonna fit?” you asked shaky looking back at him

“we’ll make it fit” he mumbles as he slides himself slowly into you getting a groan and whimper from the both of you as he filled you up so beautifully you gripped the sheets mumbling about how big he was you could feel your legs go numb as he slowed pressed into you.

“aint even all of me baby” he laughed as he pressed farther into you filling you up in a way you had never felt before. He was finally stopping for a second giving you a bit of time to adjust to him.

“Please move Joel i-I need it” you finally said as you got needy from the cockwarming it only took a second more of begging before Joel was slowly taking you. You keep squeezing hoping he would go faster

“behave” was all he said as he spanked you, you let out a long whine wanting him more than anything knowing you could take it

“m a big girl I can ta-take it” is all you said before you felt your arms being pulled back as he started to slam himself into you. You couldn’t breathe anymore as moans and cries were slipping out of you

the older man was letting out cuss words and beautiful praises as he fucked you senseless

“fucking mine you ain’t ever fucking those boys ever again baby girl.” Joel could feel himself becoming drunk off of you as he put his arm under your neck pushing your body onto his as he kept fucking himself into you.

you could barely think as he fucked parts of you he was filling you up so good as you lost your thoughts and could only think about Joel and how good you were feeling

“please Joel I can feel you so deep please please Joel” you kept repeating as you got closer and closer again he kissed your neck noticing you slipping under him he pulled out making you cry at the loss of him flipping you over so your legs rested on his shoulders and he could look at you while he fucked himself into you.

“That’s a good girl. you alright sweetheart” he lightly slapped your cheek getting your attention and making sure you weren’t too lost to tell him you needed a break and this was the only time he could feel himself able to stop

“m ok.. please,” you said as you rocked your hips into him needing to feel him deep inside you again. Seeing you so drunk off of him brought him over the edge he could feel himself getting there as he brought his fingers to touch your aching clit and brought you there with him as he slowly thrust into you kissing you gently making you lose yourself again.

“feel so good. sweetheart you feel so good” he whimpered out making you squeeze around him kissing him sloppy as his fingers touched right where you needed them. you grabbed onto his arm lazily trying to make him aware but he could feel it and hear how breathless you were getting he could hear how sloppy you sounded for him again unable to stop himself he kept going until you were there

“you fucking my cock so good. good job sugar” he talking you through it praising you as you bounced up and down on him.

“Where do you want me,” he asked praying you said inside he didn’t want to cum anywhere else he just wanted to watch himself leak out of your claiming your pussy as his.

“in- inside in please I want it so bad please ” you didn’t even recognize yourself as you begged still sensitive and shaking.

“I got you Darlin Jesus I’m gonna breed this pussy sugar” he mumbled as he let out a long groan as he pushed your legs back stuffing himself into you as he fill you up warm. he still kept kissing the side of your neck as he let out beautiful songs as you lightly squeezed around him not wanting to waste anything.

you both sat there with his head in your neck and your arms around him. he didn’t move for a bit as you started to recollect yourself gathering everything squeezing his neck and smelling his hair . he pulled himself out slowly earning a moan at the loss. he left for a second leaving you a bit lonely coming back with water, a wet washrag, and baby wipes from the bathroom.

“you gotta go pee, sweetheart” he reminded you as he cleaned you off gently kissing every part he cleaned putting the water bottle in your hand

“please don’t leave while i pee” you said using him to stand up limping to the bathroom

“wouldn’t dream of it darling” as you came back from the bathroom and the rubbed all over you making sure you were comfortable and that you didn’t regret anything he was so gentle and you didn’t want to be anywhere else. you had time before your father came back and just wanted to relax with Joel.

authors note! 📩

HIII THIS IS KINDA LONG DID U GUYS LIKE ITTTT PLZ LMKK IF U DID i havent wrote in so long and this isn’t even proof read wtf but yeah okay thank you so much for reading sorry the aftercare part kinda sucked I suck at that. plz Lmk if u guys want anything else okay bye bye love you!

[beardedjoel]

closer | part four

joel x f!reader. non-apocalypse au.

series masterlist | main masterlist | ao3  

chapter summary: you go to joel’s house, unsure of what to expect when you finally confess how much you want him, and what follows doesn’t disappoint in the least. 7.4k words.

warnings: 18+ MDNI, smut, age difference (joel is 42 and reader is 25), porn with some plot, soft!dom joel, fingering, mutual masturbation, dirty talk, praise kink, pet names for reader

a/n: if you held out to this chapter to get to the good stuff bless you !!! *saluting emoji*

Joel had spent the rest of his evening sobering up, now left with just his thoughts about what an absolute mind fuck that moment in the hallway with you had been, and the ensuing argument with Tommy. His brother really got under his skin with all the shit he said, but Joel also hated that he was right about most of it. He sighs, leaning back on the couch and trying to equally distract himself with the TV and at the same time, sort out his thoughts. A sudden knock at the door takes him by surprise, but the shock only increases when you’re the one standing on the other side of it, looking beautiful and enticing in your summery outfit, standing with your hands wrung nervously in front of you. Yeah, I’m fucked, Joel instantly thought to himself.

“Hi,” you squeak out, giving Joel a timid smile. 

“Hi,” Joel says, giving you another one of his boyish grins. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” Joel asks, leaning on the doorframe. He can’t believe he’s the one feeling slightly awkward at seeing you now, worried that he possibly overstepped with you again earlier.

“My mom… wanted me to bring you - oh, shit!” You realize, looking down at your empty hands. “The cookies,” you say, biting your lip. “There were cookies, but I forgot them.” You can’t believe in your rush to see Joel, you’d left them sitting on your counter.

Joel laughs, noticing the tenseness he was feeling loosen up, and seeing your teeth bite those perfect, inviting lips he’s unable to let you leave for even a minute to retrieve these cookies for him. “S’alright, why don’t you come on in,” he says, low and rumbling, his eyes quickly giving you a once over. Your heart jumps in your chest and you nod. 

“Okay,” you say, already breathless from the nerves of what you’re about to do. You step inside, slip off your sandals, and walk towards the middle of the room. Now that you’re actually getting a good look at it, his house is pretty much what you’d imagine - quaint, put together, and it feels cozy and lived in. Dark gray couches and chairs, wood coffee tables and features, and a large television make up the living room you’ve now stepped into. It’s tasteful, but definitely decorated by a man, having an overall, undeniably masculine feel to it. You realize you’re just silently taking in and judging his home, and feel self conscious at the way he’s looking at you expectantly.

“You have a really nice home,” you mumble, half looking down at your feet. “S-sorry about the cookies.”

“I don’t care about those cookies, if I’m honest,” he says, his head cocked to the side as he steps a little closer to you. His voice is getting lower, and your heart is pounding out of your chest. You think it might just be loud enough for him to hear as he draws nearer to you. “I’m sorry about earlier, darlin”, I had a little too much and was eager to see you again and see what you were thinkin’. Shouldn’t have put you on the spot like that, though,” he apologizes, his eyes a bit softer and wider than usual as he looks down at you. 

“Oh…” you breathe, unsure what to do next, avoiding his eyes as you inspect the ground. “That’s okay, Joel. That’s actually kind of most of the reason why I came here,” you admit to him. 

“Didn’t just come over to deliver some cookies, then?” Joel is now right in front of you, and he gently puts his fingers on your chin, tilting it upwards to meet his eye line. You almost shrink back out of nerves, but melt when you catch a glimpse of his dark eyes boring into you, two pools of desire staring right back at you. 

“N-no, I didn’t,” you say, bravely not breaking eye contact. 

“Didn’t think so,” he says, “Why don’t you tell me what you’re really here for.”

“I just… I needed to say that the other day, it was okay. More than okay. I wanted to do that, and to keep doing that with you. I was just nervous, it didn’t mean I didn’t want it. You make me nervous.”

“Nothing to be nervous about, girl,” he says sweetly, looking at you with soft eyes, but he can see his words have had no helpful effect on you. “I really make you that nervous, huh?”

“You do, more than you could know.” you admit, breathing out a long breath, wanting to steady yourself before your next words. “You told me to say what I want. I’ve been wanting to talk to you, been wanting to… kiss you like that. I- I’ve been wanting you and… watching you since I got here.” Once the words are out of your mouth, you can’t believe you’ve admitted it to him, but it feels good, so good. It’s out in the universe now, up to Joel to reciprocate or not.

“Oh, baby,” he tuts, almost condescendingly, but it turns you on, his gaze hardening with desire at the confirmation of your feelings towards him. “You think I haven’t noticed? The way you eat me up with your eyes? Always lookin’ at me when you think I can’t see it,” he says with a little head shake, and his voice has gone deeper with suggestion. You gasp a little, looking up at him with a shocked expression. He simply smirks, knowing he has you all figured out. 

“Bet you’ve been thinkin’ about me, haven’t you? What you’d do if you could get me alone like this? If I wanted you too?” he continues, and your knees feel like jelly. 

“I do, every day,” you manage to squeak out, nodding in response. You can’t believe he’s seen right through you, and this entire time you had thought he wasn’t paying any attention to you. He lifts a hand up again, holding a forefinger and thumb on your chin now. You feel your whole body shudder at the touch, and Joel’s smirk grows as he notices the effect he’s having on you. You stare back eagerly, awaiting whatever he has to say next.

“You sure this is what you want, darlin’? Be honest now,” he says. 

“Yes, so badly… please,” you whisper, feeling desperate now that it’s so close within your reach. 

“Just what I wanted to hear,” Joel responds simply, his eyes going a shade darker. You can barely breathe as his hand slides to cup your cheek, and in one fluid motion he’s leaning down closer to you, his lips brushing against yours. You flutter your eyelids shut and lean into the kiss, putting a little more pressure into it, until Joel pulls away slightly. 

“Shy little thing you are,” he hums, and the rumble of his voice so close to you sends another shiver up your spine. “S’okay, I don’t mind, we can take our time,” he says gently, stroking your cheek again. You want to prove him wrong, you want to unleash yourself and give in completely to it, so you lean forward again, tilting your head up and deciding to fully commit to it. You won’t mess it up this time, you think with determination.

You grab the back of his neck, feeling his thick, gorgeous hair under your hand and press your lips back into his hard, immediately deepening the kiss. Your lips part enough for his tongue to slide in and you groan a little at how incredible it feels, like a dream. He tastes slightly of beer, and you take it all in, the wetness of his mouth on yours, and delicate slide of your tongue against his now. You are quickly losing control, grasping harder at his neck, your nails scratching along the skin as your mouths and tongues come together again and again. Joel groans, one of his hands sliding up onto your shirt and squeezing your breast. He makes a satisfied grunt when he feels you have no bra on, thumbing your nipple through the fabric. You moan into his mouth at the sensation, hips automatically arching towards him as he pinches and flicks at it, the buds now hard and aching for him. Your core is burning hot, already tingling and turning with desire, desperate for him to touch you more. You practically gasp when he suddenly grabs your hips, pulls his mouth off of yours, and spins you around, pulling your back and ass flush against his front. He holds you tightly against him by putting his arms around your hips, his head nestling in the crook of your neck. You look down at his strong, tanned arms holding you and feel your knees go weak again - this feels better than you could have imagined.

“Bet you thought I didn’t notice how you got all dressed up in your little bikini just for me the other day did you? Or the way you walk around with that perfect body making me go crazy, smiling like the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen,” he purrs, and you are writhing under his grasp, your pussy beginning to ache and pulse at his words.

“Y-yes, it's all for you. I just wanted -“ you trail off, feeling embarrassed. 

“Wanted what?” he commands, his grip on your hips tightening.

“For you to notice me,” you blurt out. 

“Done much more than notice you, you sweet thing. You’re makin’ me wild, you know that? Wantin’ you day and night? Knowin’ I shouldn’t...”

“R-really?” you ask, even though the answer seems obvious at this point. You’re simply having a hard time believing this isn’t some fever dream right now. “Why s-shouldn’t you?” you say, your body trembling slightly at the way his hands are now roaming over the front of your body, teasing you.

“Isn’t it obvious, baby?” he rumbles, placing a kiss on your neck. “You ever been with a man like me? Someone older?” he asks quietly, his voice hushed and breath hot against your ear. 

You shake your head, then say a soft, quiet “no” in response. He makes a small, pleased hum at your answer. 

“J-just a few people, here and there. Nothing really,” you reply breathlessly, thinking of the few drunken hookups or shorter-lived relationships you’d experienced during college. None of them felt like this - they hadn’t known what they were doing with you, hadn't been able to drive you wild like Joel already was able to. “No one like you,” you add quickly, hoping he’ll like to hear it.

“Good,” he purrs, his grip on your hips tightening as he pulls you even closer to him, your ass now pressing even harder against his crotch, feeling how hard he already is. “I like bein’ the only one,” he says, and the possessiveness of his words sends another wave of desire through you. You grind your hips back into him slightly, rubbing on his cock, to show him how you felt about what he said. 

“Oh, you like that then, baby? You like when I’m a little jealous?”

“N-nothing to be jealous of,” you barely breathe out, trying to tilt your head in the direction of his, your lips looking to find his again.

“That’s right,” he says, his hand on the waistband of your shorts now, the tips of his fingers threatening to dip below and explore. “Cause this is all mine,” he continues, his fingers going slightly lower but not anywhere close to where you’re throbbing for him. You breathe heavily, and a small whine comes out of you involuntarily when he slides his hand down, his fingers brushing along the outside of your pussy. He’s gentle, yet to explore further, just stroking your lips, teasing a bit of a finger further in periodically. You melt into him, your head lolling back onto his chest. He tilts his head down and kisses your neck, the scratch of his beard adding wholly to the feel and experience of it. It sends a shudder through your entire body when Joel suddenly sucks lightly on the skin there, his breath coming hot down your neck and chest. He sucks harder as his fingers feel slightly deeper in your slit, just how slick it is, biting down on your neck a bit. You let out a breathy yelp at the sensation, never having any man do that to you before.

You’re trembling, and you know Joel can feel it. You’ve never been so nervous to be with someone like this before, and you don’t know exactly why. There’s something so defined in the way he carries himself, the way he treats you, and it makes you worried you aren’t experienced enough for him. 

“Shh,” he pulls his hand out of your shorts and tries to soothe you a bit, holding you tightly to him and rocking slightly. “You sure it’s okay?”

You gulp and nod, willing your body to stop shaking underneath him. “I wish I wasn’t so nervous,” you scold yourself out loud. 

“How about this, sweet girl…” he says, and you tilt your head enough to look back at him, your eyes meeting his. “You be okay if I just take control from here? You won’t have to worry about a thing that way.” Joel leans in and kisses the side of your face and you melt into it before he plants another one on your neck, eliciting a breathy moan and nod in response to his question. 

“Okay… yeah,” you decide, “Tell me what to do.”

“Okay,” he says, a devious smile crossing his face. “First thing, let’s take a look at that pretty little pussy,” he says into your ear, voice low and suggestive. You just nod again, already undone by everything he’s doing, and willing to do anything he wants to next. You don’t know what you thought his plan was, but it certainly was not for him to pull away, spin you around, and start pulling your shorts down right there as you stood in the middle of his living room. You step out of the shorts now bundled at your feet, and Joel’s lust filled eyes linger on your panties - red lacy ones you’d picked out hoping he might see them. The smirk that comes across his face as he eyes them gives you a rush of satisfaction. 

“Do you like them?” you ask shyly, already thinking you know the answer. 

“Oh, I do,” he replies quietly as he stares. “Do a little turn,” he commands, making a spinning motion with his hand. You slowly spin around, revealing the thong strap with a bit of lace at the top that makes up the back of your underwear. Joel groans quietly and before you can continue turning back towards him he grabs your ass, both hands fisting full of your plush flesh there. “Perfect ass,” he murmurs, “Askin’ to be smacked,” he says, giving one of your cheeks a light tap as he lets go of where he was grabbing onto you. You turn back and Joel is on you again, his arms pulling you right against him, this time facing from the front. 

“Smacked? W-what, have I been bad?” you ask, half teasing and knowing you’re no good at this dirty talk stuff. You haven’t had nearly enough practice to know what to say, but Joel seems to say whatever comes to his mind. 

“As a matter of fact, you have,” he says suggestively, and you see a sly grin cross his face. “Saw you up in your window those few times, teasin’ me.” You feel your face get hot at the confirmation that he saw you, despite it being for him. 

You let out a small nervous chuckle. “You saw that, huh?”

“Gonna act like that wasn’t all for me, your little show? You know, I’ve been turned for days after seein’ that, just that little glimpse of ya,” he says. You smile a little more confidently now at the confirmation that it had such an effect on him.

“Did you… touch yourself thinking of me?” you say, running a hand down Joel’s chest now. The fabric of his t-shirt is soft, but you can feel his toned chest and stomach underneath. You sigh as your trembling fingers reach lower, resting on the waistband of his jeans. 

“Sure did, you naughty thing,” Joel says, “And don’t think I don’t know about what you do, when you rush off after seein’ me outside, goin’ off to think about me while you touch that little pussy of yours.”

You gasp, mouth hanging open in shock that he’d guessed that much, that it seemed he’d been observing you just as much as you had him. “I-uh-“ you stutter, completely turned on and embarrassed at once. 

“It’s alright, baby,” he coos, a finger fiddling with the waistband of your underwear now. “Makes me happy that I turned you on so much.” He reaches down and feels you through the outside of your panties now, and you know he must feel how you’ve been getting wet, soaking through the fabric already. You’re dazed, and as he grabs your hand, leading you to his couch and sitting you down, you allow him to move you around without any resistance - you’re complete putty for him. 

Joel stands above you, and leans over your body on the couch, bringing his hands to the sides of your panties and pulling down, revealing your bottom half in full now. Joel lets out a groan, seeing your pussy lips already swollen and ready for him. 

“Tsk,” he tuts, “Look at that wet little pussy, just for me,” he says, delicately swiping a finger through it, causing your hips to buck forward towards him. He kisses you deeply, hungrily, and you soften into it, just loving the way his lips feel against yours, the urgency behind it. He’s palming your thighs, his large fingers covering so much of them as he strokes his fingers along the skin there. You are aching, dripping, on the verge of begging for him to put an end to your misery and just touch you. 

“Joel,” you gasp, pulling away from the kiss. 

“Hm, what is it baby?” He continues to kiss your face and trails then down to your neck, eliciting a small moan from you. 

“P-please, touch me,” you say, unable to take another second of his hands being so close yet so far away. 

“Thought I was the one makin’ the calls here,” he says with an arched brow, and you can tell he gets off on it. He wants that control, to know you’re at his whim, pleasuring you when he wants, making you come when he decides to. 

“S-sorry,” you say, feeling lost. You don’t know how to go about any of this, you’ve never had a man offer to do what he did. 

He slides himself down over you slightly, then pulls your tank top over your breasts and just… stares for a few moments, taking it in, appreciating it.

“Shirt off,” he commands, and you lift your arms up so he can pull the tank top over your head. He discards it on the floor, not once taking his eyes off your naked form sprawled open on his couch, every nerve in your body on fire under his gaze. He finally brings his head down to your chest and begins flicking his tongue on each nipple, taking equal time with each one.  You squirm, feeling another rush of warmth and wetness between your legs, panting hard now as you rub them together slightly trying to relieve some of the throbbing.

“You need my fingers on that pussy, don’t you?” he says, noticing your writhing movements and quiet whimpers. Simultaneously he takes one of your hard nipples back into his mouth and rolls his fingers over the other, rubbing gently. A moan like you’ve never made escapes your lips, and you’d normally be embarrassed, but it feels so good, your thoughts too clouded to care. You pant, nodding furiously.

“P-please, I need it, I need it,” you call out, feeling like crying at how much your cunt is aching now. Your deliriously half lidded eyes look at Joel, and he looks downright sinister now. 

“You’re being so good, waitin’ for me, I think you deserve that,” he smirks, and you feel like you’re starting to catch onto his game, and you have to admit - it’s fucking hot. You wait with baited breath as his hand dips down, his finger starting to rub circles on your clit and your hips instinctively rise up to meet his finger harder, wanting more from him. You practically yell out a moan at the feeling of his finger giving you that bit of relief you’d been dying for. 

“My, my, you are absolutely gorgeous, baby,” he says, the vibration of his mouth over your nipple sending a shiver through you. 

You make begging, whining sounds, panting and moaning as his finger circles your clit slowly, and he increases the speed slightly at your noises. He begins to tease a finger at your entrance, slowly pushing it in.

“How’s that, baby?” Joel asks, kissing the curve of your breast and sucking lightly.

“S-so good,” you pant in response, feeling your climax rising up inside of you, feel it close, within your grasp already. “Can I ask for more, please?”

“So polite and sweet, you insatiable little thing,” he says, biting his lip slightly. He pulls out and adds a second finger, sliding them both into your pussy and you grind your hips onto his hand at the sensation. He rubs your clit with the other hand as he steadily pumps his fingers in and out of you, the sound loud and sloppy echoing through the living room. 

“Taking it so good,” he coos, watching his fingers pump as deep as they go inside of you.

“Need more… I need your cock, Joel. I want you to fuck me,” you yell out suddenly, unable to take the urge to have him fill you anymore. You know he said that he had control over what you’re doing right now, but you think fuck it, as your mind keeps drifting to having him inside of you. It takes everything in him to not whip out his cock and pound it into your soaking wet pussy, but he decided that he wanted to take things slower with you. He wanted to treat you well, give you what you deserve, not rush into things and hurt you in some way.

“Oh darlin’, not today, I want to enjoy this perfect pussy of yours nice and slow,” he says, peppering kisses over your chest again but more tenderly this time.

“I-I’m on the pill and everything, I swear,” you say desperately, just trying to think of any reason he wouldn’t want to sleep with you. 

“Sweet girl, it’s not that,” he laughs a little, and you whine as he completely removes his fingers and he moves to reach a hand up to stroke your hair. You look down at him with fraught, pleading eyes. “Just wanna give you some respect, darlin’, treat you right, okay?” You frown a little but understand where he’s coming from, nodding in agreement. 

“Just let me take care of you, okay?” he adds sweetly, and you smile at the tone he’s using, so soft and gentle.

He moves to sit next to you on the couch, then tugs on your hips, pulling you onto his lap so that you’re facing him, legs straddling him. You’re feeling half drunk on the desire and look down at him with bleary eyes and wrap your arms around his neck, leaning close. The heady desire in your wide gaze almost has Joel regretting his decision to not fuck you tonight, and his cock strains against his jeans a bit harder. He kisses you, reaching a hand in between your parted legs and playing with your clit again, stroking it along with the slit of your pussy. You immediately grind your hips, the position you’re in on top of him only increasing the pleasure as you push down onto his hand. 

He lets out a groan as he slides two fingers back in, feeling how easily it slips inside of you, how wet and ready you were for him. He dares to add a third one and you cry out a little, the way he’s stretching his fingers inside of you.

“Look at you, taking all my fingers like that,” he groans, looking down at where his hand is connecting to your body. You bury your face in his shoulder as you ride his fingers, increasing the rhythm in and out of you. His thumb is steadily rubbing your clit while he curls the fingers in the most perfect way and you moan into his ear, his name spilling out of your mouth. His other hand is now in your hair, pulling lightly, then stroking your back, landing firmly on your ass and squeezing hard. It’s like he can’t get enough, finding new places for his hand to explore.

“Joel… joel…” you say urgently, breathless.

“Let it out baby, let it out. Let me hear you come for me,” he purrs, nosing the side of your head and ear while keeping up the steady push of his fingers. You’re shaking, your hips rocking onto his hand, sliding over his legs quickly. “Let me feel you come all over this hand, filthy girl. Do it,” he commands.

“My god. Oh my god,” you call out, and his last commanding words send you over the edge, your orgasm beginning to rock through you, sending your hips and body shuddering, coming onto his fingers. You pull your head off his shoulder, dipping it back and exposing your face and neck. Joel grips your chin with his free hand, holding you steady, and watches your climax as it crosses your face, your mouth open and letting out moans that only serve to make his cock painfully hard now. 

“Atta girl, just like that,” he praises, and it’s incredible, his fingers hitting the perfect spot inside of you as your whole body trembles at his touch, fire coursing through your belly and tingling on every inch of you. Your climax slowly subsides, and you breathe heavily, daring to slowly open your now heavy eyes. You see Joel with an intense, satisfied grin on his face. He pulls a hand up and brushes the hair back that’s now stuck to your face with sweat. He kisses you, a tender, sweet kiss now and chuckles. 

“That was gorgeous, baby,” he says, and you smile shyly, tilting your head down a little. 

Coming down from your post-climax haze, you’re now very aware of his cock, feeling it hard and pressing against his pants underneath you. You slide off his lap and kneel in front of the couch, reaching up for the belt on his jeans. He grabs your hand, stopping you from going any further. 

“Woah, darlin’, that’s alright. Wanted tonight to be all about you,” he says, grinning. 

“B- but I don’t want you to not - you’re turned on, and I want to… help.” You look up with a furrowed brow, confused as to how he couldn’t want this.

“‘Course I’m turned on, when I’ve got your pussy all over my hand, you lookin’ beautiful like that, but I’ll be alright. We’ll get to that another time.”

“You’re sure?” you ask hesitantly, hands planted firmly on his thighs.

“Promise ya,” he says, leaning forward and cupping your cheek, planting another kiss on your lips. Joel reaches underneath your arms and pulls you back into his lap so that you’re sitting sideways over him, wrapping his arms around your lower half and resting you against his chest. You lean into it, breathing in his scent and smiling. Joel starts to stroke your bare back gently with his fingers, and the feeling alone of his hands on you like this could turn you on all over again. You shiver a little at the electric touch and pull your arms around his neck. You’re painfully aware of his hand increasingly going lower and lower, and feel like you already need him again, the familiar wetness coming between your legs.

“I make you feel good tonight, baby?” he asks suddenly, planting a kiss on your head, sounding so sweet, and you smile. 

“Mhmm,” you let out a small sleepy moan, nuzzling your face against his neck. “Thought that was obvious,” you chuckle a little nervously. His hand gently squeezes and kneads your ass that’s perched on his lap and you make a small whining noise without meaning to. 

“What’s all that?” Joel asks deviously, “Didn’t get your fill?”

You feel a little flush come over you at how easily he’s turned you on again but you pull your head off of his shoulder and try to look him in the eye. “Guess not,” you say with a small smirk. Joel returns it and glances down at your naked body sprawled over him, the gears in his head turning as to what to do to you next. He grabs a hold of you, spinning your body so that your back is against his chest. 

“Listen, baby, if I touch you again, I don’t think I’m gonna be able to handle it without things gettin’ painful for me, so let’s get a little creative, okay?” His voice is low next to your ear. 

“Okay.” You nod. “You’re in charge again,” you say, and he smiles into your neck, the words clearly exactly what he was hoping for.

“Good girl,” he whispers, the sound of it rumbling across your skin and making you twitch and shiver a little. You do wish he’d just fuck you senseless already, but he seems to be the one setting the rules here, and you realize rightfully so, you’re the one who’s let him. 

Joel reaches a hand down and strokes through you again, feeling how wet you’d already gotten again. “Christ, you’re so swollen for me, look at you,” he marvels, teasing your folds apart with his fingers. You breathe a little sigh of relief as his touch eases some of the aching going on between your legs. 

“You’re gonna touch yourself now, baby, while I watch you and take care of myself. You do a good job with all that, and I’ll finish you off, okay?” Once again, you know it’s not a question - this is how Joel has decided you two are getting off. You’re feeling skeptical and shy about touching yourself in front of him, and it must read openly on your face. 

“Um, okay, I’ve just never touched myself in front of anyone,” you admit timidly.

“Think of it like this - let me see what you’d do to yourself when you’d think of me, hm?” he says. You think you can handle that, so you smile a little and nod in approval. 

“I can do that,” you say, wanting desperately to hear what you think he’s about to say. 

“Good girl,” he smiles, and it’s music to your ears. Your heart starts to beat more wildly as he moves you off of his lap and sets you on the couch, standing up in front of you. You sit awkwardly for a moment, adjusting yourself in the seat to try and look as sexy as you can.

“Okay, darlin’,” he says, nudging your legs open wider with his knee as he stands in between them. “Go on now.”

You take a shaky breath and reach your hand down between your legs, gently feeling the outside lips of your pussy. The look on Joel’s face immediately emboldens you a bit, he looks desperate to see more, squirming a bit where he stands.

You look down at yourself, still feeling embarrassed to look Joel in the eye while you do this next part. A finger slides down into your slit, rubbing your clit slowly, and you watch as your finger starts to become slick and shiny as your hips grind a little onto it. Joel grunts a little at the sight.

“Look at me,” he commands, and you snap your eyes up to his face, then downward. He has a determined, absolutely hungry look in his eyes as he reaches to his belt and undoes it, unzips his pants, reaching in and pulling his cock out. It springs free, and he immediately fists it, stroking lightly. You try not to have a visceral reaction to it, but fuck. It’s bigger than any cock you’ve ever taken, or seen, for that matter, and you are barely paying attention to what you are doing to yourself now with your jaw slack and your eyes wide and trained on his dick. 

Joel chuckles devilishly, beginning to stroke himself faster. “Focus up, darlin’,” he says, and you try to move on from the surprise of the sheer size of Joel’s cock, but it’s hard to do as you watch his hand move along its length. 

He suddenly stops, and holds out his hand, palm up to you. “Lick it,” he says, and you stare a little stunned and wide eyed for a moment before leaning forward and running your tongue along his hand, finger still rubbing on your clit. You stare up at him as you do it, light moans coming out as you coat his hand in your saliva. It’s strangely erotic, tasting the salty skin of his hand and the leftover remnants from where he touched your cunt earlier. He fists his hand around his cock again and the sound is much louder, your saliva making the shaft slick as he returns to a slower pace, enjoying it. 

“Let me see you put a finger in,” he says, and you immediately move your index finger to your opening but stop there, slowly circling your clit with your thumb. 

“How many?” you ask, looking up at him alluringly, finally starting to feel more bold. 

“Oh, filthy girl,” Joel tuts, tugging a bit harder on his cock. “Just one for me now, don’t wanna rush anything.” You frown a little and whimper, knowing it’ll get a reaction out of him, but you slide one finger inside of yourself, beginning to pump it in and out. Joel makes a small groaning sound at the sight, his eyes glued to where you’re beginning to fuck yourself harder with your finger. 

“Yeah, that’s it, sweet girl, add another one,” he moans, his movements becoming even quicker on his cock and you try to match his pace as you add another finger and continue rubbing your clit. You’re moaning at the sight of it all, the way his cock is so hard from just watching you do this, the way Joel’s strong hand is moving over it like his life depends on it. You want his cock in your mouth so badly, you want just a taste of him if he’d let you, and seeing the little bit of precum on his cock makes you salivate and lick your lips. Your hips are arching up into your touch, wet and sloppy noises the only sound in the room for a few moments as Joel’s fist slaps into his flesh over and over. 

“Please Joel, let me taste you,” you beg through your panting breaths, desperate to have the length of him inside of you in some way. 

“Shit, you cock hungry little thing,” he grunts out, shaking his head, but he doesn’t stop what he’s doing. You are writhing, desperate to hold out until Joel can make you climax instead, but it’s so difficult when your view is what it is right now. You can tell Joel is close, he’s panting hard, a sheen of sweat on his face, and his cock looks like it’s absolutely throbbing. 

“Into my mouth,” you try begging once more, thinking he’s about to come at any moment. 

“No,” Joel says, voice strained, and you frown. “Let me paint those gorgeous fucking tits,” he grunts out. 

He doesn’t wait for confirmation, but instead continues watching your fingers plunging into your pussy as he climaxes, his body shuddering slightly as ropes of cum release out onto your chest. He almost leans his head back, closing his eyes, but he can’t tear his eyes away from the way his cum is coating you. You stop moving your fingers, simply relishing in the sight and feeling of his climax. Joel groans out a few expletives along with your name, breathing heavily, and he still stands over you, looking down with that post orgasm bliss on his face while you smile up at him. 

He leans down, placing his hands on either side of your body on the couch, getting his face close to yours. He moves one hand to your chest, swiping the cum up onto his fingers and holding it up to your mouth. 

“There’s your taste of me,” he says gruffly, and you open your mouth almost immediately, craning your neck forward to take the fingers in deeply, licking and sucking them clean. The look on Joel’s face is a mixture of surprise and satisfaction, feeling like he’s seeing a new side to you now that he’s gotten you out of your shell a little bit. 

“Good fucking girl,” Joel says each word slowly and carefully, then smirks as his fingers pop out of your mouth, completely cleaned off all his cum.

“I did a good job for you?” you ask, suddenly feeling a bit shy again as you seek his validation. 

“Oh, yes,” he replies, pressing his lips to yours deeply, and he opens his mouth to slide his tongue over your lip. You shudder a bit and return it, your tongues flitting in and out of each other’s mouths. Your hips are bucking upwards, missing the pressure of your fingers now, and you moan desperately into Joel’s mouth. Joel reaches between you and slides his fingers down your slit, immediately pushing three fingers inside of you, picking up right where you left off. He pushes them in hard, and you inhale sharply, the immediate feeling of him filling you so much taking you by surprise. His fingers move furiously, pumping in and out of you, and your body tries to squirm away from the intensity of it once he puts his thumb on your clit. But the way he’s hovering over you, your body below him on the couch, you have nowhere to go, and he’s relentless with his speed now, curling his fingers inside of you.

All you can do is make strained moaning sounds as he places his lips to your neck and sucks on the skin, trailing his lips down and doing the same thing on your chest. You know it’s going to leave a mark, and you don’t care, you can’t care right now with the way everything feels so incredible. Your whole body is shaking with the intensity of his movements, your climax practically at your fingertips as your hips push back into his fingers, driving him deeper.

Joel murmurs praises into the skin of your neck as you continue lifting your hips. He presses a hand down on your thigh hard, holding you in place, leaving you to take exactly what he’s giving you. And what he’s giving you is absolute fucking ecstasy. Your crying moans urge him on, and he’s pushing all three fingers as deep as he can, and everything suddenly feels… different as he hits the most sensitive spot inside of you. You let out a little yelp, surprised by the sheer intensity of it as he hits it over and over.

“Look at you… tight fuckin’ pussy, taking my fingers so good. You like when I fuck you hard like this?” he growls, plunging his fingers more aggressively into you, enjoying the loud, sloppy sounds he’s making as you leak all around his fingers.

You simply moan, long and low, in answer as he curls his fingers and hits that spot again. Holy shit, is the only thought running through your mind, over and over again.

“Of course you do, you fuckin’ dirty little thing. My perfect girl, taking my fingers however I want you to.” His words make you practically scream, his name on your lips repeatedly as you feel the sensation of your impending climax beginning to overwhelm you.

You stutter, trying to say his name again, let him know you’re going to come, but he already knows, of course he already knows, because he’s kissing your neck again and telling you.

“That’s it, baby, come right on this hand again,” he says before sucking on your neck again. You’re completely devastated, the orgasm burning through you as your hips spasm and grind down. He’s keeping up the pace, his fingers hitting deep as you ride it out onto his hand. You scream his name and practically lose all sense of anything else you’re saying or doing while your entire body is taken over by the fiery, tingling sensation as you come.

“My… god…” you breathe out, muscles finally loosening from the way your entire body had tensed up during your orgasm. Your head flops back onto the couch and you feel your whole body go limp as you try to steady your breathing. You don’t even dare open your eyes, you’re in such a haze right now and don’t want it to end. Joel’s lips find yours and press into you, and you lazily return the kiss, bringing an arm up so you can gently stroke his cheek. He pulls back, taking in the satisfied smile on your face, closed eyes, flushed cheeks, and wild hair, and he thinks you look more gorgeous than he’s ever seen you.

“Had your fill yet, baby?” he asks, sitting down next to you and nuzzling the side of your hair with his nose. His smell so close to you is immediately intoxicating all over again, and you don’t know how you’re expected to leave this man’s side.

“Mm-mm,” you shake your head, “Not even close.” Joel laughs heartily, and the sound lifts your heart - you don’t think you’ve made him laugh like that before now, so you peek your eyes open and look over at him, grinning in response. “Don’t worry, we’ll save that for another time,” you assure him, rubbing your eyes to try and make yourself more alert.

"Now what makes you so sure there’s a next time?” he teases you, and your eyes widen in shock. You don’t think he’s being serious, but…

“I- I just thought… you seemed to like it too…” you stutter, tripping over your words around him yet again.

He laughs again, that hearty laugh you’ll be chasing hearing forever, you think, and grabs your face.

“I’m just messin’ with ya, darlin’,” he reassures you, capturing your surprised, pouting lips in a kiss. You giggle a bit into his kiss and then deepen it for a few moments before standing up off of the couch, getting dressed. Joel gives a slight look of disapproval at the fact that you’re putting your clothing back on, but lets you go ahead anyway.

You’re unsure of what your next move should be. Should you stay over longer? Stay the night? Would Joel even want you to stay the night?

“Why don’t ya head home, sweet girl,” he says, answering the question before you can even ask, standing up next to you and wrapping his arms tightly around you, pulling you in. “I’ve got an early morning tomorrow.”

“Okay,” you reply, understanding but feeling disappointed. “Can I see you again? Tomorrow?” You look at him with eager eyes, praying his answer will be yes. Now that you’ve crossed this line, there’s no going back, and you want more of him, need more of him.

Joel chuckles. “Impatient, impatient,” he drawls. “Sure thing, I’ll be ‘round tomorrow evening.”

You give him a hopeful smile, waving your goodbye to Joel after stealing one last kiss. You rush up to your little apartment, barely bothering to turn on any lights as you run over to your bed and promptly scream into your pillow like you’re fifteen years old again. Once you get the rush of excitement out of your system, you sit up, eyeing the plate of cookies on the counter and laugh loudly to yourself. You pad over to them and pick one up, biting into it and smiling to yourself, unable to help the feeling that this man is going to ruin your life in the best way possible.

[toomanystoriessolittletime]

I bet you say that to all the girls

Summary: Every Friday at 1pm on the dot Joel Miller pays you for 20 minutes to take you apart in the best way before he leaves again. But what if he wanted more?

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem. (Sexworker) Reader

Wordcount: 1.8k

Rating: E

Warnings: Pre-Outbreak, Sex Work, oblivious idiots, smut (fem. receiving, protected sex), usual attempt at humour, little fluff

A/N: This was not meant to be so fluffy in the end but here we are. Also we are going to pretend that sex work is legal for this fic because the internet say it is indeed not legal atm

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“He’s here,” you looked up at your door opening, seeing Sam wiggling his eyebrows. You rolled your eyes with a scoff. Everyone around here knew that every Friday at 1pm on the dot your first client of the day walked in. 

You didn’t know much about Joel Miller, but you knew he was your favorite part of the week. 

Every Friday for twenty very satisfying minutes you pretended to be someone else, someone who didn’t have to sell her body to pay her bills. And Joel made it easy. There was something about him, how he looked at you, that made you feel like you were the most important person on the planet. 

He broke you apart and put you together afterwards and he wasn’t shy about it. Everyone around your rented room heard how he made you feel

Of course there had been offers from other girls (and even boys) throughout the two years he had been coming to see you, but he only ever wanted you. 

It made you feel more special than it should be, he was paying you for sex after all. Something you still found confusing (not that you were complaining), but men had different reasons to pay a prostitute. Your guess for him was that he was scared of commitment, maybe someone had broken his heart and he did not want to let anyone new in. 

You guessed that just his looks had women around him swooning. If they only knew what he was hiding behind those dark eyes and broad shoulders.

“Tell him to come up,” you said, seeing Sam nod before the door closed again. You walked over to the floor length mirror, looking at yourself. The black see through robe you were wearing left little to the imagination. You didn’t bother with a bra, only wearing a small thong beneath. He once told you your tits were his favorite part about you and if you looked very closely, you could still make out the now faint yellow bruise he left there last week. 

He apologized profusely, knowing about the rule to not leave marks, even offering to pay more. You declined, wearing his mark on your body secretly with pride.

You knew you were fucked when it came to Joel Miller, but you couldn’t care less. A girl deserved to have someone to daydream about every once in a while. 

Joel did not bother with what you were wearing. He only had those twenty minutes, like every Friday, and he used them to their full extent. 

He never ever left you unsatisfied, not like the majority of your other customers. 

A knock on the door and you turned towards it just when it opened and he walked in, all broad shoulders and southern charm. He closed the door behind him, his eyes finding yours. 

“Clothes off, get on the bed and spread those legs for me, sweetheart,” he hummed, his hands already working on his belt. 

You smiled.

“Yes, Sir.”

The satin sheets were cold as you laid on them, your legs spread, your pussy on full display for the man staring down at you. He had pulled off his shirt, the zipper of his pants opened. He sighed, sucking his bottom lip between his teeth. 

“Hands above your head,” he said, pushing his pants down, revealing his already hard cock. You pouted, but obediently put your hands over your head, your eyes not leaving his frame as he got on his knees on the bed between your legs. 

“Been thinking about this pussy since last week,” he murmured, both of his hands running up your inner thigh. He pushed your legs even further apart as he lowered himself between your legs. 

“Will you let me taste you?” he asked, his brown eyes looking up at you. You only nodded, still surprised that he wanted to eat you out regularly. 

You frankly were dumbolded the first time he asked, first because none of your customers wanted to, and second because he asked every single time. 

Most customers think because they pay you, they are allowed to do whatever they want to you. Which to a point is true, but not Joel Miller. He asked for permission every single time. 

He kissed himself up your thigh, until he lingered with his mouth just above where you were soaked for him. He inhaled deeply, his eyes closing for a moment, before he let his tongue lick through your folds. His dark eyes looked up at you as he tasted you. One of his arms was wrapped around your upper thigh to keep you still. He used the fingers of his other hand to spread your lips apart. 

“So fucking pretty,” he moaned before he pushed one finger in. You sighed, fighting the urge to close your eyes. He kissed your clit before his lips parted and he sucked it softly into his mouth, his tongue moving over it. 

“Joel please…” you moaned. You wanted to touch him, to run your fingers through his hair, to pull him closer. 

“Want you to cum before I fill this pussy with my cock,” he hummed. 

You moaned. 

“What do you need?” he asked. 

“Two more fingers. And… And… Fuck and keep sucking on my clit…” you moaned. 

“Two more?” he asked, one eyebrow raised, three of his fingers pushing into you the next moment. You cried out. 

“So I can take your big cock,” you winked with a small smile. 

He snorted, playfully biting into your thigh, before he moved his fingers. He knew exactly what to do to make you see stars. And you could already feel a familiar tingle in your lower body, your orgasm slowly building. 

“Bet you say that to all the guys,” he said.

You shook your head.

“You’re the biggest I ever had,” you whimpered and it was the truth.

He spit on your pussy, making you even wetter before his tongue flicked over your clit. 

“Cum for me,” he grunted, before he sucked your clit into his mouth, his fingers still fucking you. Your legs were shaking as your orgasm washed over you, Joel’s name on your lips in a silent cry.

You just laid there in the blissful aftermath of your orgasm, breathing deeply as you felt Joel kiss up your body. His hands reaching for your tits, palming them in his big hands. 

“Best fucking tits on this planet,” he groaned and you smiled. 

“I bet you say that to all the girls,” you teased. 

He shook his head, his lips sucking one of your nipples into his mouth. 

“Never really see other girls' tits,” he promised and you closed your eyes. 

“Maybe you should. So you can compare,” you smiled softly. Opening your eyes you found his face above yours.

“Want to get rid of me?” he smirked, moving his hips against yours and you felt his cock slip though your folds. Fuck, the amount of times you have imagined him fucking you bare. You wanted him to cum inside of you, to fill you up so you had something of him when he walked through your door. 

“You want the answer from the girl you paid for sex, or you want an honest answer?” you asked. He just looked at you, his brown eyes focused on yours. You did not know how to read the way he looked at you after what you said. He didn't give you a chance to think more about it, before his lips crashed down on yours, his arms wrapping around your body to pull you closer. 

His weight on top of you was so familiar, it made you feel safer than it should. You had come to terms with the fact that what you felt for the men you were looking at right now was way more than a little crush. 

Joel kissed you, his tongue parting your lips as he slowly turned your bodies, so you were on top of him. 

“Want you to ride me,” he hummed against your lips and you smiled. Pushing yourself up you reached for a package of condoms on the bedside, opening the little foil package and pulling it on his hard cock. 

“Whatever my favorite customer wants,” you said, tiling your head down to watch as you grabbed his cock. You felt his hand on your wrist and you looked at him. 

“You know you’re more than just someone I pay for sex right?” he asked and you breathed out shakily. 

“Joel…”

He pushed himself up, one of his arms wrapping around your back. His other hand tilting your chin up. 

“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he whispered. His hand cupped your cheek, his eyes focused on yours. 

“Coming here is one of the best parts of my week,” he kissed your nose. 

“You don’t mean that,” you shook your head. 

He said your name and you closed your eyes. 

“I suck at this. Feelings and talking about them and all that shit, but I do know that this stopped being just paying someone for sex a long time ago, sweetheart,” he brushed the tears away from your cheeks that you didn’t realize were there in the first place. 

“But… I’m a …. I’m a whore Joel. Men pay me for sex, how…”

“It’s just a job. Probably pays better than most other jobs,” he tried to joke and you laughed in disbelief. 

“You… You’d be okay with that?” you asked. 

He sighed. 

“If there turns out to be something more between us, then I have to be. You’re worth it,” he shrugged and you shook your head, before you let your forehead rest against his. 

“If there ends up being more between us, I would try to find something else. I don’t….,” you took a deep breath, “I never had a reason to search for something else. And I promised myself that if I ever meet someone, I would stop. I… If I would love someone I want to be with just them and nobody else.”

He kissed you then and you lifted your hips, lining his cock up with you and slowly sank down on him. You wrapped your arms behind his neck, his lips not leaving yours until he was deep inside of you. 

“Can I take you on a date?” he asked and you giggled. 

“You ask all the girls you’re inside in that?” you teased and he grinned, shaking his head. 

“Nah. Just you,” he winked, before he pushed you down against the mattress and began to move his hips. 

[daddy-dins-girl]

Framed Around My Heart

Masterlist

AO3 link

Fandom: The Last of Us (HBO Universe)

Pairing: (platonic) Joel & Ellie

Summary: “We could’ve saved the world!” She shouted at him, her emotions running on overdrive in a way she hadn’t felt since their actual first night in Jackson all those months ago when she’d accused him of not caring about her. “The whole world, Joel!”

He stood in front of her, voice low and steady with his simple yet definite reply, “I did” - a breath. “I saved my whole world”

OR,

The first time Joel tells Ellie he loves her.

Word Count: 9.3k

Warnings: Swearing (it's Ellie y'all). Angst. Hurt & Comfort. PTSD Ellie. Briefly mentioned past violence. Joel and Ellie both being bad at feelings. Soft!Dad Joel (consider your ovaries warned!).

Notes: Takes place right after Season 1 ends. Joel and Ellie are back in Jackson. Idk when Ellie's birthday is, so I made one up...

They had settled in Jackson for a week now. Gotten the lay of the land, chosen their own house just across the street from Maria and Tommy’s, and soon would be assigned their first work details. Ellie was more than disappointed to learn that she was apparently “not old enough” to go on patrol duty and after a huge outburst towards the council that ended with Joel all but dragging her out of the building as she yelled at them that they were “fascist fucks” who could all “go to hell”, she’d eventually managed to calm down, but that didn’t mean she had to agree with them. She’d hated the idea of Joel going out there without her, almost as much as she hated the idea of herself being stuck in here without him; no matter how safe it was behind the walls. They needed each other, she told herself. It’s how they’d survived as long as they had. Unfortunately for her, Joel was assigned exactly that - Patrol Duty. Ellie had been tasked with stable duty. Readying the horses for the riders to take out which meant typically getting up extra early in the mornings, but on the bright side she didn’t have to speak to anyone and she was pretty sure all the horses loved her hilarious jokes she told them, unlike a certain surly old man she cohabited with who clearly was absent the day they were handing out senses of humor.

At least, she thought absently, she didn’t have to go to school. Yet. It was near enough for summer break to start that Maria had felt there wasn’t much point in her enrolling for a couple of weeks just to have three months off immediately. ‘Thank fucking Christ, finally some good news’, Ellie had muttered in response, earning her a disapproving glare from Joel. ‘Right, my fucking manners, Jesus, sorry’, Ellie responded, which just resulted in Joel tossing his hands up in the air, exasperated and Maria folding her arms across her chest. ‘What? I said sorry! That’s like, the definition of manners, how am I the asshole?’

Yep, they were settling in just fine.

…

Ellie hated days Joel would go on patrols. They were too long and the house too quiet with him not in it. Being alone with just her own thoughts as company was never good, she had soon figured out. At first she tried to just sleep the day away when he would be gone but it seemed she wasn’t able to sleep without him anywhere more than a few metres away from her. When they’d first moved in they both tried to be normal fucking human beings and sleep in their own rooms and their own beds but not less than an hour after they’d said their goodnights on their first night in Jackson Ellie had roamed out of her room to seek out Joel ‘just need to make sure the old fucker didn’t croak in his sleep or something’ she had reasoned with herself, only to take one step outside of her room and nearly trip over Joels legs sprawled on the floor as he had apparently set himself up just outside her bedroom door, sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the wall.

“We’re pathetic” Ellie sighed, sliding down the wall to sidle up next to him, head instinctively leaning onto his shoulder.

“Totally” Joel had sighed in agreement.

Shortly afterwards they had fallen asleep just like that, sitting on the floor, limbs spread across the hallway, and Joel’s back cursed him for it the following morning.

The next night, and for nearly two weeks afterwards, they had set up camp in the living room instead; mattresses on the floor just a few feet apart, Joel always closest to the front door, just in case but also out of habit. Finally, and maybe after Tommy had wandered in early one morning and teased them endlessly about having “sleepovers” and whether or not they braided each others hair too, they had agreed to try sleeping in their own rooms and most nights it went off without incident. Other nights however, Ellie would wake up covered in a sheen of sweat and flailing her arms wildly only to open her eyes suddenly and see Joel looming above her, grabbing onto her arms to try and still her and speaking calmly to her, hushing her. Whispered “babygirl’s” and “I got you’s” and “it’s me, it’s ok, you’re ok’s” whispered into the harsh darkness of her bedroom, reminding her of where she was until he’d brought her back down to earth and she’d settle again. She hated those nights. Hated feeling helpless like that, and like she was a little kid that needed coddling after her bad dreams, but dammit all if she didn’t immediately allow Joel to wrap her up in his willing embrace each time, seeking comfort in the warmth he provided. She could feel embarrassed about it in the morning, that could be Tomorrow Ellie’s problem because in the moment, Joel’s comfort was everything she needed and she’d take everything he offered.

The dreams tended to all be more or less the same. Winter. Snow. Fire. Smoke. Blood. David’s face; or what was left of it after she’d bludgeoned it unrecognizable with a very large knife. On nights where the dreams decided to be particularly cruel, she’d lose her battle against David. Those were always the most jarring to wake from and took her an extra long time to be able to fall back asleep afterward, if she could at all. Thankfully her dreams didn’t always cause her to scream or throw a fit in her sleep so she didn’t always wake Joel. Sometimes she seemed to just suffer through them quietly with a few muffled whimpers and tosses and turns in the bedsheets and Joel was none the wiser until she’d come down for breakfast and he’d notice the darkness under her eyes and could tell she had a fitful sleep. Despite not always waking up thrashing from them, she always remembered her dreams the next morning; whether she wanted to or not.

However the dream she had last night was somewhat new territory. She’d had it a few times in the past, but after nearly 2 months in Jackson now it seems to be happening more and more frequently, almost more so than her David nightmares. It differed slightly, night to night, probably because she didn’t have factual evidence to pull from, but it was always the hospital in Salt Lake City. Fireflies, Raiders, Marlene, Joel, and a hell of a lot of bloodshed. Each time she’d wake up from this dream in particular her head felt fuzzy, unsure. She hated not knowing what actually happened that day, maybe she’d be able to process it better if she had (not that she was exactly processing the whole David fiasco, she argued to herself). Joel had left out a lot of details. “Raiders attacked the hospital, I barely got us out of there” and that was it. And any time she’d asked him about it since he’d immediately shot her down and sternly told her not to bring it up again. Did he not realize that only stoked her inquisitiveness further? Has he met her?

She’d had the dream again last night only Joel had been one of the Raiders in her dream this time, slaughtering everyone in his path and she awoke only when he reached her, lying helplessly strapped to a medical bed with Raider Joel holding a gun tight against her temple.

Paging Dr. Freud, anyone?

She didn’t know what the hell any of it meant, she only knew she had to get to the bottom of whatever had happened in that hospital.

And so that was what was currently on Ellie’s mind today as she sat in the small window seat of her bedroom, knees pulled up to her chest as her gaze was locked to the outside, watching the small but bustling community of Jackson on this hot August afternoon. The sun was still high in the sky which meant it would be hours before Joel returned from patrol duty. Which meant hours Ellie would be here alone, with only her own thoughts as company.

Like she said, she hated days Joel was on patrol.

A knock on the front door a few minutes later pulled Ellie from her reverie and she quickly scooted off the window seat and headed down the stairs to answer it.

Swinging the door open, confusion crossed Ellie’s features as her eyes landed on a woman she had scarcely recognized. It was an older woman, Mrs. - something or other, Ellie couldn’t be bothered to remember. Parker? Patterson? Definitely a P name. Ellie recognized her as one of the town council members that she had had that delightful meeting with just shortly after her and Joel’s arrival. Given by the less than impressive look this woman was giving her right now, she remembered it as well and must’ve drawn the short straw today to come here to… well, what exactly was she her for?

“Is it Joel?” Ellie blurt out suddenly, panic evident in her tone. “Did something happen, is he OK?”

The woman looked confused for a second and then suddenly let out a small laugh and waved her hand dismissively.

“Oh heavens no, nothing like that Dear, I’m sure everything’s fine. I’m here on official town business. For you, actually, Miss Ellie”

“Oh…” Ellie’s face scrunched up at that. Ellie didn’t have any official fucking business with anyone. Other than being an official pain in Joel’s ass.

“I understand you will be enrolling in school this Fall” the woman began in way of explanation and Ellie nodded slightly. Don’t fucking remind her.

“Well I have here your registration form you’ll need to fill out and have your…” she paused, looking a little helpless, as most adults did when they tried to discern just who exactly Ellie and Joel were to each other.

“Have Mr. Miller,” she settled on instead, “sign it and then you bring it along with you on your first day so we can file it away in your record. I know we are a few weeks away yet but I like to get these out early”

“Oh, um, ok I guess…” Ellie shrugged, reaching out and grabbing the single piece of paper.

“Just a little formality” the woman waved her hand again. “You know, we need your basic information and things like that, just so we have it on hand, should anything come up and we need it”

Ellie wondered briefly then why Maria hadn’t dropped it off, or even had Tommy do it if she was too chicken shit.

“Just making my rounds to all the new students today” the woman explained, as if she’d been reading Ellie’s mind.

“Right” Ellie nodded. “Well uh… thanks, for the homework before school even fucking starts” she mumbled the last part under her breath but given by the tiny gasp and look of horror that flashed across the woman in front of her, Ellie’s certain she heard her.

“Alllllllrighty then. Take care then, bye bye now” Ellie quipped, slamming the door in the woman’s face. Something she’d seen recently in a movie that Joel had shown her that had her in a total fit of giggles for the entire night.

Ellie wandered back into the house and dropped the piece of paper to the coffee table before flopping herself down onto the sofa. She bent over the table to have a look at what information she’d need to be giving out before she decided whether she’d bother trying to find a pen to fill it out now or if she’d push it off to later.

Name. Ok, easy. Date of Birth. Well, she’d had a general idea. Would writing just the month and year suffice, she wondered absently. Known Allergies. The thought of writing “learning, via fascist institutions” crossed her mind and she laughed a little to herself but then remembered Joel had to sign off on it so she better not. Dude could be such a killjoy. Next? Parent(s) and/or Guardian. Pass? Joel, she’d guess was technically her Guardian? Whatever that meant. Why wasn’t there just a spot for “other human being reluctantly tasked, due to unfortunate fucking happenstance, with keeping you alive” Emergency Contact (other than above) + Relationship. Also pass. The only other person in this godforsaken town she even liked speaking to besides Joel was in fact not a person, but a horse named Shimmer. And she didn’t think quadrupeds counted for emergency contacts.The whole notion of Ellie being in an actual emergency and some townsperson running to the stables to tell Shimmer all about did give her a bit of a chuckle though. She made a mental note to jot that down in her notebook, maybe make it into her own little comic series.

Finally at the bottom, a signature line for “Parent and/or Guardian”. There it was again, taunting her, laughing at her.

In the end Ellie decided that no, today was not the day she would fill any of this out. She couldn’t answer half of it anyway, so what was the point. Stupid school. Even shitty FEDRA school knew not to ask orphans stupid fucking questions like this. Ellie folded up the paper into a small square and shoved it into the front zipper pocket of her backpack that was leaning next to the couch. Another problem for another day. Or hell she’d probably just throw it at Joel and tell him that the annoying old lady (who is somehow even more of a dinosaur than Joel and still alive) said it was his job to do it. Yeah, that might work.

With a heavy sigh Ellie laid back onto the couch cushions, arm coming to rest over her face as she tried to shut out the sunlight pouring in through the open windows. Maybe if she was bored enough she’d fall asleep and then Joel would be home.

…

Another two weeks had come and gone and Ellie’s Salt Lake City dream variation had now been haunting her almost nightly, completely replacing her usual David nightmares. Just two nights ago it had been traumatizing enough to rouse Joel from his sleep and he had come into her room as he always had when her screams woke him only this time, when she had become alert enough to notice his presence, she had shoved him off her damn near hard enough he almost fell off the bed.

“Ellie!” He had gasped at the surprise. “It’s me, it’s-”

“I know!” she scowled in response, shoving at his shoulder when he tried once again to reach out to comfort her.

“Ellie” he sighed, keeping his distance this time, but holding his hands out in front of him as if he was approaching some scared wild animal he was trying to coax into calmness.

“I’m not,” Ellie began and huffed, unsure what she wanted to say, she just knew she didn’t want his comfort. Not this time.

“I’m not a baby Joel! I don’t need you to come running in here every time I have a stupid bad dream. I’m 15 years old, not 6!”

Joel flinched, as if her words physically harmed him. She saw the look of hurt flash across his face before he swallowed hard, dropped his arms and gave her a short nod before pushing himself up from her bed and seeing himself out of her bedroom. Part of her wanted to chase him out of her room, tell him how sorry she was and fall into his arms and forget the exchange ever happened, but a larger part of her knew she couldn’t do that. Joel’s been lying to her. She isn’t stupid. She knows he isn’t telling her the whole truth (if he’s even telling her any truth at all) and it’s because of him that she’s having these nightmares in the first place. So no, he didn’t get to cause the nightmares and then run in and play hero for it. Not if she ever wanted to get to the bottom of what really happened.

Luckily the two days following that incident Joel had been on patrol so she hadn’t seen much of him. They’d have dinner together but it was mostly in silence. Joel would ask about her day and she would mumble a “fine” as she pushed her food around her plate and then she’d fake being tired and go to bed shortly afterwards, foregoing their usual movie or board games they’d do after dinner.

~~~

Joel remained seated at the dining room table long after Ellie had pretended to be tired and gone off to bed. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew her well enough to know when she was tired or when she was flat out avoiding him on purpose and this was certainly the latter. She’d been like this for days now and it was really starting to get to him. He didn’t know what had happened to cause it either. Sure she got moody with him sometimes, as all teenagers did around their parents or even authority figures, but she’d never been like this or for this long without at least a hint of what troubled her.

He thought back to just two nights ago when he’d woken up to her screaming and thrashing in her bed. That in and of itself was not unusual for her, but the way she reacted towards him was completely out of left field. She had shoved him off of her as if he were the bad guy, the one haunting her dreams, when all he wanted to do was hold her until her trembling subsided, the way he always had.

“I’m 15 years old, not 6!” The words she spat at him still plagued his mind. His heart nearly broke at that. Not at the fact that she didn’t always need him coddling her, he knew the day would come where she didn’t and he would be so glad for her (even if it did hurt his heart just a little to not be needed like that anymore as she got older) but the part that killed him is when she told him she was 15. 15! When had he missed that? When they’d met she had been 14, and if he wasn’t such an idiot he would’ve done the math and figured logically that hey, nearly a year has past since we met, shouldn’t you have had a birthday by now? But it didn’t cross his mind all the time they’d been together so he never thought to ask. But to hear her just gloss over the fact that she was an entire year older and he’d never acknowledged it or even knew about it, damn near broke him. Sure, FEDRA probably didn’t exactly throw you a party and invite all your classmates and bake you a damn cake but surely her birthday must have meant something to her, hadnt it? Enough that she would at least want Joel to acknowledge it. “Hey asshole it’s my birthday so you have to laugh at all my jokes today” or something similar at least.

One thing for sure, no matter what the hell was going on with Ellie right now, was that he owed her a damn birthday present.

...

The next day Joel had the day off from patrol, but Joel being Joel couldn’t just sit around his comfortable house all day and do next to nothing so he decided he’d be productive. Ellie had gone off to her morning shift at the stables anyway (and even if she hadn’t he had a good feeling she wouldn’t want to hang out with him regardless, if the last couple of days had been any indication) so he figured today was as good a time as any to get started on a project he’d been meaning to for the past month. So that’s how he found himself standing in the middle of his garage on this hot August morning.

He stood in the middle of the concrete floor scratching the back of his head, not entirely sure where to begin… The place had apparently, before he and Ellie moved into the main house, been a dumping ground for anything and everything that the residents of Jackson no longer had space for. There were broken appliances, boxes piled to the ceiling in some places, furniture, some lumber, and probably a hell of a lot more that Joel had yet to uncover. His first order of business had to be sorting through everything to see what would be kept and what could be tossed. See if he could make heads or tails of what was wrong with anything broken and if he could fix it, and for anything else it was a matter of whether anybody could make any use of it and if not, he’d get rid of it.

A while back he'd had the idea that maybe he could turn it into a decent hangout spot for Ellie, somewhere she could have her own space, have her friends over, that kind of thing. He remembered himself as a teenager taking over the family garage to practice with his band and he and his friends had spent every damn day for the better part of 3 summers in it, creating some of the best memories of his life. He wanted Ellie to have that too. Maybe, he thought inwardly, he could fix it up and surprise her with it. Try and have it ready to give her for her 16th birthday, whenever the hell that was.

He still had to get to the bottom of that, but first he had to get Ellie to even speak more than three words at a time to him; something which she hadn’t seemed to be able to do as of late. He had no idea what was going on in that girl's head these days, but he needed to figure it out. He would talk to her. Today, he told himself.

Joel kept busy for the next couple of hours. He’d started with sorting through the dozens of boxes, finding much more trash than treasure, just as he had figured he would. It was scorching outside and he was hot and covered in sweat but told himself he’d at least finish sorting through the boxes before he took a break so when he looked down to see the last box that required sorting he murmured a quiet ‘thank god’ as he wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his arm and then bent down to pick up the final box. Pulling the box out of the corner Joel noticed a small dark blue duffle bag that looked out of place shoved in behind where he pulled the box from. It wasn’t covered in a thick layer of dust like everything else in the room had been, and moreover, he’d noticed it because it was a bag he had brought home from a patrol a month or so ago. Back then it was full of movies, art supplies and a few other things he had found out on the road that he thought Ellie might like so he’d brought it home for her and given it to her that night.

“What the hell?” Joel wondered aloud, placing the box back on the ground and reaching instead for the duffle. He had seen her using the things he had brought home in the bag before so he was certain she hadn’t just taken the bag from him and tossed it in the back of the garage. Whatever was in the bag it seemed like she had been hiding it, and he’d silently hoped that whatever he found inside might give him some insight into just what the hell was going on with her these days.

~~~

It was late afternoon when Ellie finally decided to call it a day. Her shift at the stable was normally only 3 hours but today she knew Joel was at home and she was nothing if not a professional avoider these days so she decided to stay late and do an extra thorough cleaning of the stables and the horses. She stayed out there until the sun, high in the sky, became too sweltering for her to stand. Her clothes clung to her body from all the sweat and she was in desperate need of a shower. If she could draw that out long enough when she got home it wouldn’t be much longer until dinner and maybe she’d convince Joel to go to the mess hall tonight rather than dinner at home so they could at least have other people to look at while they both pretended she wasn’t completely ignoring him.

Yes, a perfect plan.

Her perfect plan however fizzled abruptly when she walked into their home only to find Joel standing in the middle of the kitchen, arms folded across his chest with an empty blue duffel bag hanging over a dining chair; its contents spilled all over their eating table.

Shit.

“I need to shower” Ellie said, hoping to ignore him and turning towards the stairs.

“Ellie Williams you get back here this instant” Joel demanded, his tone leaving zero room for argument and Ellie groaned, turning back towards the kitchen. She stopped a few feet in front of him, let out a heavy sigh and let her arms drop to her sides.

“What?” she huffed in annoyance.

“You know damn well what. Sit your ass down, we’re having a conversation” Joel snapped, pointing towards one of the dining room chairs and Ellie rolled her eyes but obeyed him, shuffling past to plop down on the furthest chair and folding her arms defensively.

“Now you wanna explain to me just what in the hell all this is?” Joel asked, arm sweeping above the table top that was littered with canned foods, her knife that Maria had confiscated months ago (“not until you’re 16 Ellie” - bullshit), a handgun (this one she had managed to steal from Tommy, she was actually quite proud of when she pulled that one off), a box of ammo (Joel’s) and a road atlas of the United States.

“Well if I gotta explain fucking canned beans to you maybe you should be starting school next week instead of me” she huffed.

Judging by the vein in Joel’s neck that looked like it was about to explode through his skin, maybe not her wisest move.

“Don’t get smart with me Ellie” Joel threatened, pointing a finger at her. “Just what in the hell you were doing with a damn ‘go bag’, huh? You plan on runnin’ away or somthin’?”

“No” she offered weakly, looking away, anywhere but at Joel. She knew he’d never physically harm her, but he had never been this pissed with her before either and she did not like it.

Joel heaved a heavy sigh. He knew he had to reign in his anger but damnit if she didn’t make it difficult on him.

“Well then what the hell were you doing kiddo” Joel said softly, a sigh escaping his lips as his hands fell to his sides. Yes he was angry but he wanted a real conversation. He squatted down next to her so they were at eye level.

“I need to know what’s going on up here” he said, lightly tapping his index finger against her head before she batted it away.

“Will you talk to me please?” he asked gently. He wasn’t above begging at this point.

“You promised” she mumbled under her breath, head still facing away from him and staring at the blank wall instead.

“What?”

She turned towards him then, rolling her eyes. “You promised. I asked you if everything you said about the Fireflies was true and you promised it was. Tell me you didn’t fucking lie to me Joel” she seethed through gritted teeth and Joel closed his eyes for a brief moment, taking a breath.

“This again, with the Fireflies? Ellie I -” he began but she was quick to cut him off.

“Last chance Joel. Last chance to tell me the fucking truth because if you lie to me again, I’m done. We’re done” Her words came out sharply and she saw Joel’s face flinch at her threat. She meant it too, she couldn’t live with someone who was lying to her about the single most important thing in her life. She wouldn’t live like that.

“I’ll fucking leave Joel, I will. I’ll do it when you’re out on patrol or fucking sleeping and you won’t be able to stop me. I’ll go to Salt Lake City myself and I will find out what happened, one way or another. And if I find out on my own that you lied to me, you’ll never see me again”

“Is that what the bag is for? Fucking road trip to Salt Lake City by yourself? Tryna' get yourself killed? Jesus, Ellie” Joel hung his head. He knew she’d do it too, and that thought absolutely terrified him. It scared him far more than whatever her reaction may be if he were to tell her the truth right now. Her running off like that, alone, and never seeing her again? Nope, no way. She could hate him for the rest of her life before he’d ever let that happen.

“Okay” he sighed with defeat, putting his hands up in surrender. Time to bite the bullet.

Joel stood up from his crouched position, his joints protesting when he did, and took a seat in the chair next to hers, folding his arms on the table.

“From the beginning” Ellie demanded.

“When I… came to, you know, in the hospital, Marlene was there” he began into the story he’d been dreading to tell her for months, unable to look her in the eyes, though he could feel her gaze boring into him from across the table. He wasn't sure how exactly he was supposed to tell her this. It would crush her, he knows. And how could he possibly make her understand? How does he tell her he'd burn the entire world down for her if it meant keeping her safe and have her not hate him for it? He'd failed Sarah. He'd failed Tess. He couldn't fail her, too. He wouldn't survive it, not again. Could she even grasp how he felt about her? Sure he wasn't exactly Mr. 'lets talk about our feelings' and neither was she, but he needed her to understand the simple fact that well, she was everything to him.

“God Damnit Ellie they were going to kill you!” he shouted, finally turning his head to look at her. “That’s the bottom line of it all, ok? They were gonna poke around in your fucking brain like a god damn game of Operation so they could remove the cordyceps and you’d be fucking dead”

Ok, maybe not exactly giving her the warm and fuzzies right now. He'd never been great with his words.

“No,” Ellie shook her head as tears began to well in her eyes. “That’s - that’s not true, you’re - you’re fucking lying!” she shoved hard at his shoulder but he barely moved.

“Ellie” he said her name softly now and looked into her eyes. “I’m sorry baby, but it’s the truth. Marlene told me everything. She said that -” he sniffled quietly and wiped at his own wet eyes quickly with the back of his hand. “She said that they didn’t tell you so you wouldn’t be scared that you wouldn’t feel any pain and… they wouldn’t take me to you. Wouldn’t let me see you”. Fresh tears were streaming down Ellie’s face now that she frantically tried to wipe away with her shirt sleeve as she listened to Joel tell his side of the story.

He told her everything, even told her about his standoff with Marlene in the underground parking lot and how that ended and Ellie just listened silently, taking it all in.

“So you just... Killed everyone” Ellie summarized for him and Joel hung his head.

“Ellie” another sigh. “They had no evidence that their hare-brained scheme was going to work. They had no conclusive tests done and they wanted to murder their only test subject! Now I thought I was bringing you there to draw some blood or something, not cut your goddamn brain out of your head. Who knows if this hack Doctor even knew what he was doing!” Joel was getting revved up again but he couldn’t help himself, the anger he’d felt that day still bubbling at the surface all these months later.

“Could’ve been a goddamn Chiropractor for all we know, out there tryna play brain surgeon with my kids fucking head? Mnmm mmm” he shook his head and Ellie tried to ignore the fact that he’d just referred to her as his kid. “Not on my broken fucking watch, kiddo” he tapped his watch for emphasis as he stared directly into her eyes.

Her heart didn't allow her to ignore a comment like that and she'd felt it tighten in her chest, like all the air had suddenly been sucked out of the room and she could barely breathe. Ellie wasn’t sure if she wanted to crumble to the floor in tears or hit him as hard as she could.

She opted for neither and pushed herself back abruptly from the table and stood up and Joel followed suit, ready to grab for her if she had chosen this moment to make a run for it. They both stood still in a standoff, Joel could tell by the way her shoulders trembled that she was upset. He’d let her say what she had to say.

“We could’ve saved the world!” She shouted at him, her emotions running on overdrive in a way she hadn’t felt since their actual first night in Jackson all those months ago when she’d accused him of not caring about her. “The whole world, Joel!”

He stood in front of her, voice low and steady with his simple yet definite reply, “I did” - a breath. “I saved my whole world”

The words hung in the air between them, the silence growing heavily around them until finally Joel spoke again.

“I love you, Ellie” he admitted softly, looking straight at her as she lowered her head and twiddled her fingers nervously. He wondered absently if that was the first time she’d ever heard those words and his heart felt heavy in his chest at the thought.

“And truth be told, I don't care if that Doctor was the best brain surgeon on the damn planet and a cure was all but guaranteed, it wouldn't have changed my mind because I didn't have a choice. And I know you don't understand that right now and I don't expect you to. But I am sorry that I lied to you, ok? I am not, however, sorry for what I did and I will never be sorry for that.” he explained and she stayed still and silent in front of him so he continued. “Even if it means you hate me for the rest of my life, well… at least it means you’ll live to see it and I can never be sorry about that, not ever”

“I know you think this cure was your purpose Ellie but what if…” He stopped to shake his head before placing his hands on his hips and taking a breath. “What if you were my purpose?” He asked, unshed tears in his eyes as Ellie finally lifted her head to meet his gaze.

She let out a breath, trying to collect her thoughts before she responded but didn’t get a chance before the distinct crackling static of a walkie talkie coming to life grabbed both their attention.

“Joel, Ellie!” It was Tommy’s voice on the other end and he sounded frantic. Both Joel and Ellie were staring at the small black 2-way radio that was sitting on the kitchen counter. Joel made a move to grab for it before Tommy’s voice filled their small space again. “It’s Maria she -” his voice cut out as they heard Maria scream Tommy’s name from a distance away. “Oh shoot, I gotta go, we’re at the clinic!”

“Tommy!” Joel was yelling for his brother into the radio but getting no response. “Tommy! Tom- Damnit!” Joel huffed, slamming the radio back down on the counter. Leave it to his brother to call him with an apparent emergency, not tell him what the emergency was, and then go literal radio-silence on him.

“Let’s go” was all Joel said to Ellie and they were both running for the door.

The pair headed out into the street and made the short jog across town to where the clinic was housed. It was a two-storied brick building, one of the larger ones in town and one that thankfully by some miracle, Joel or Ellie had never had to visit before.

“Tommy?” Joel called out the moment they crossed the threshold inside, looking around but not seeing his brother - or anyone for that matter - in sight.

Suddenly they heard a bloodcurdling scream from Maria and both Ellie and Joel shared a quick glance before they both took off running up the stairs where the noise had come from.

They’d made it nearly all the way up the staircase when a second noise rang out through the house and this one stopped Joel dead in his tracks. He gripped the railing so he didn’t fall down the damn stairs as the distinct and familiar first cries of a newborn infant flooded the space.

“Holy shit!” Ellie whispered excitedly, also having come to a dead halt on the stairs when she’d heard the cry.

Joel took a minute to collect himself, holding the staircase railing in a death grip as he tried to get his breathing under control. That sound took him right back to the best day of his life, nearly 35 years ago when his little Sarah had taken her first breaths in this world and had changed his entire life in an instant. Hearing Tommy’s little one’s lungs working at full capacity would likely be the second best sound he’s ever heard in his life, Joel thinks.

“C’mon, lets go see!” Ellie said to him as she practically bounced up the rest of the stairs, eager to meet the latest Miller clan member.

“Ellie” Joel snapped out of his momentary daze to call out to her and she stopped just outside the closed door at the top of the stairs.

“Just, wait now” he told her as he climbed the rest of the stairs. Ellie obeyed, bouncing on the balls of her feet in anticipation. He didn’t want to barge in on whatever state Maria might be in right now; childbirth wasn’t exactly something you wanted a big audience for, so they waited outside the door for a couple minutes until everything started to quiet and finally the door opened as a woman that Joel recognized as the town doctor came out.

“Oh, looks like we have visitors!” The doctor said to Joel and Ellie but loud enough that Tommy and Maria could hear her. She pushed the door open wider so that Tommy and Maria could see who it was and Tommy waved them inside.

“S’ok Doc, they're family” Tommy smiled widely.

Ellie froze for a quick moment, glancing between Maria and Tommy and back to Joel but Joel just put a hand on her back and led her inside, apparently she was the only one overthinking the whole “family” comment. She stared at the scene before her, Maria lying in a bed under some blankets with a small bundle in her arms wrapped in a crisp white towel and Tommy hovering over her with possibly the biggest smile Ellie’s ever seen from anyone before, one hand brushing the top of Maria’s hair while the other laid protectively against one of her arms that held the baby.

“It’s a girl” Tommy announced to no one in particular, not able to tear his gaze away from his newborn daughter. “Name’s Rose,” he continued. “Rose Sarah Miller”

Ellie chanced a quick glance at Joel for that. Tommy seemed up in the clouds somewhere and just tossed Sarah’s name out there as if it might not swallow Joel up whole but Ellie, with two feet firmly on the floor and not in the sky, needed to make sure he was ok. To her surprise, a smile that nearly matched Tommy’s crossed Joel’s features and fresh tears came to his eyes.

Ellie let out a breath of relief.

“She’s beautiful, Tommy” Joel said sincerely and Ellie had never seen him look so happy before. It made her feel warm.

“Congratulations to you both” Joel said and both parents finally tore their gaze away from Rose long enough to acknowledge them.

“Ellie,” Maria piped up a moment later. “Would you like to hold her?”

Ellie stared wide-eyed for a few long seconds before she finally looked over to Joel, silently asking for permission.

“Well, go on” Joel nodded towards the bed and nudged her shoulder with his.

Ellie smiled brightly and quickly crossed the room to where a large armchair sat next to Maria, the opposite side that Tommy was occupying.

“Do I just sit?” Ellie asked, she wasn’t sure what the protocol was, literally never having held a newborn before.

“Yeah, sit there, hold your arms out and I’ll pass her to you. Just always one hand under her head ok?” She instructed and Ellie nodded her head before sliding her backpack off her shoulders and dropping it to the ground.

“Rose, this is your cousin, Ellie” Maria spoke softly as she passed the small warm bundle of life over. Ellie quickly glanced up to Joel, eyes widened with pure joy at Maria’s words. She’d never been a cousin to anyone before. Hell, she’d never been anything to anyone before. Not really. And suddenly here she was, apparently now part of a family of 5.

Ellie was sure to have one hand under Rose’s head and the other arm cradled her against her chest as she held the tiny gurgling baby in her arms, mesmerized by her instantly. She now understood how Tommy couldn't’ tear his gaze away from her either.

“So fucking cool” Ellie whispered, playing with the tiny pink fingers that were reaching for her hand.

“Sorry” Ellie immediately admitted sheepishly. Maria didn’t like her cursing under normal circumstances, let alone when a newborn baby was in her arms.

Maria shot her a look but her mouth curled up into a small smile. “I’ll let it slide since you’re excited, but let me tell you if my baby’s first word is a curse, you are losing your babysitting privileges Missy”

“I’ll watch my mouth around her, I swear” Ellie assured her frantically before focusing back on Rose.

“Hard to believe you were ever once that small huh Ellie?” Tommy said with a laugh as Ellie stared down at baby Rose in complete wonder.

“Or that quiet” Joel added without missing a beat and Ellie rolled her eyes at him playfully.

“Don’t listen to him little Rose” Ellie cooed to the infant. “You and me are gonna be best buddies and we’ll gang up on your mean old Uncle Joel”

“Oh great so there’ll be two pains in my butt, can’t wait for that” Joel deadpanned before he crossed the room over to Ellie and held his hands out.

“Let me see that niece of mine anyway, you’re hoggin’ all the new baby smell”

Ellie grinned widely at how playful Joel was being and decided it looked really good on him. It reminded her of the first time she made him laugh, like really made him laugh. The night right before they met Henry and Sam when she had told him a stupid joke that left them both in tears from laughing so hard.

Joel completely relaxed when Rose got into his arms and he rocked and bounced her gently in his embrace. He looked completely in his element even though Ellie figured it has probably been decades since he last held a baby. He was smiling down at her and letting her small chubby hands grasp his finger and Ellie just watched in amazement. Babies had some sort of magical power or spell it seemed, she thought absently. These hardened fighters, killers, even, now all sat in this room as four big piles of melted goo for this tiny little human wrapped up in a bath towel.

They stayed for another hour or so, Ellie manipulating Joel into letting her have Rose again until the Doctor came back into the room, gently reminding Joel and Ellie that Maria needed her rest. Ellie groaned in disappointment but understood and passed the baby to Tommy after planting the gentlest kiss to the tip of her tiny nose.

“Now you let us know if you need anything” Joel said, his hands landing on Maria’s shoulders and she smiled up at him.

“We will, don’t worry”

“Come on kiddo, we better get home” Joel sighed, placing a hand to the back of Ellie’s neck and steering her towards the door. “These two are gonna need their rest, trust me”

They all said their goodnights and Joel and Ellie headed back down the stairs and out the front door.

“How fucking cool was that!” Ellie yelled up to the now darkened sky the moment they were outside. “A fucking baby?!”

“Hey what happened to watching your mouth?” Joel asked, but his tone was playful.

“I said around the baby, she can’t hear me now” Ellie said with a flippant wave of her hand towards the clinic.

Joel just hummed in agreement. He should’ve known better anyway.

They were nearly all the way home when Ellie stopped and slapped a hand to her forehead.

“Oh shit”

“What?” Joel asked, turning towards her.

“I forgot my backpack, I put it down when I was holding Rose”

Joel looked between Ellie and the clinic. They were more than halfway home already, not that it was very far, but it was late and Maria was supposed to be getting some rest.

“I’ll be quick, and quiet, I swear, in and out!” Ellie said briskly, likely already knowing what he was going to say and Joel sighed but nodded his head.

“Hurry up then” he gestured toward the clinic. “I’ll meet you at home”

Ellie ran off towards the clinic, not waiting for Joel to change his mind. When she got inside she slowly walked up the stairs, not wanting to make too much noise in case anyone was actually asleep. When she reached the top of the stairs and the door to Maria’s room it was partially open, she poked her head inside first to look.

Maria looked fast asleep but Tommy was slowly pacing the room with a slightly fussing baby Rose held in his arms as he looked down at her and talked softly, rocking her gently as he spoke.

“It’s okay babygirl, Daddy’s got you” he whispered into the stillness of the room. “I got you and I ain’t gonna let anybody ever hurt you, you hear me babygirl? I’ll keep you safe, always, I promise”

Tears welled up in Ellie’s eyes as she watched the two of them. She thought about Joel and Sarah. She had thought about them a lot tonight, and she wondered if Joel did too. Then she thought about how Joel had wrapped her in his arms after David and had all but said the same things that Tommy was telling his daughter now. She could hear the love in the way Tommy spoke to Rose and it hit her like a ton of bricks that it was no different than how Joel had spoken to her too.

Not wanting to dwell on that too much longer; or stand in the doorway prying on a private moment between father and daughter either, Ellie quickly swept away the tears at her eyes and gently rapped her knuckle against the wood door and peeked her head all the way inside once she had Tommy’s attention.

“Sorry I um, forgot my bag” she said sheepishly, nodding her head towards her backpack that lay on the ground resting up against the armchair.

“Oh, go ahead” Tommy whispered so as to not wake Maria. Ellie quickly crossed the room and grabbed her bag before quickly making her exit. Offering a quick wave over her shoulder as she left the room. She probably could’ve left it for tomorrow, but there was something important inside of it she decided she needed tonight.

Closing the door quietly behind her when she entered her home she was unsurprised to find Joel still awake and waiting for her. He was in the kitchen, gathering up all the items from the table and stuffing them back into the duffel bag. Ellie watched from the threshold, fidgeting with her fingers.

“We still needin’ this?” Joel asked directly, looking right at Ellie. The magical baby spell apparently over and reality settling back in around them.

“No” Ellie answered quietly, just looking at the floor.

“Good, put it away then” Joel replied, holding the bag out towards her. She nodded once and took the bag, grabbing the cans out one by one and putting them away in the cupboard. Her knife she’d slid into the side pocket of her backpack and she saw Joel’s eyes follow it but he said nothing; she figured he probably actually preferred her being armed anyway, for her own safety. She handed Joel the box of ammunition and left the gun in the bag, placing it down on the kitchen chair and shrugging at Joel.

“Tommy’s. I’ll… give it back to him tomorrow”

“Ok” was all Joel responded with and a silence fell over the room for several minutes.

“Look, Ellie” Joel began eventually, leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen. He looked tired. “I think I… Well, I said pretty much everything I needed to say, you know, earlier”

“I know” Ellie nodded, her voice quiet. She had a lot to digest, emotionally, after everything tonight.

“Are you… ok?” are we ok, she knows is what he means but doesn’t ask.

“Yeah” she says, and it’s the truth. She still hates that Joel lied to her, repeatedly, but after tonight, well, she can admit she understands why he did what he did.

“You keep going for family” Joel’s words from nearly a year ago ring in her head. She didn’t get it then, but she does now. She just met Rose an hour ago and she knows already she’d take a bullet for her if it came to it. Do anything to keep her safe, her little baby cousin, her family. Seeing Tommy with Rose made her think of how gutted Joel must have been when he’d lost Sarah and how of course he would do anything to prevent ever having to live through that again.

“My whole world.” She closes her eyes, remembering the pain on his face at the confession.

“Well, it’s late” Joel says matter of factly and it snaps her out of her reverie.

“Yeah, right” Ellie nods, hands still clasped in front of her and gaze still permanently fixed to the floor. She turns then and heads up the stairs towards her bedroom.

“Hey, Ellie” his voice stops her in her tracks and she turns, finally looking him in the eyes as he stands at the bottom of the stairs.

“When’s your birthday?” he asks, folding his arms over his chest and she puffs out a laugh. She wasn’t expecting that.

“Um… like April? Sometime… I don’t know what day exactly. When’s yours?”

“September 26th”

“Oh cool, so like exactly one month difference from Rose” she smiles, genuinely thinking it's pretty awesome that they were both born on the 26th day of the month. “Well, one month and like a thousand years or whatever” she finishes her thought, not able to help herself and Joel rolls his eyes.

“Ha ha” Joel deadpans. “‘Be nice to me now, or I’m not gonna get ya a belated birthday present”

“You’re gonna get me a present?” Ellie’s eyes lit up at that.

“I’ll think a’somthin’” Joel nodded. “In the meantime you think on it and pick a day in April so we can celebrate properly next year”

“Turning soft on me old man?”

“Guilty as charged I guess” Joel just shrugged and Ellie smirked.

“Goodnight Joel” she said and he nodded.

“G’night Ellie”

Before she could talk herself out of it Ellie quickly padded down the stairs and threw her arms around Joel’s waist in a hug, nearly knocking him over in surprise she thinks by the way he partially stumbled backwards before wrapping his arms around her too. He kisses the top of her head and then she lets go, turning around and scurrying up the stairs to go to bed.

She sleeps through the night that night, for the first time in months.

~~~

Joel slowly makes his way down the stairs the next morning, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he heads towards the kitchen to make some coffee. It’s early but he had heard Ellie go out the door for her shift at the stables and it woke him up. Not that he minded, he liked to be up early, even on his days off from patrol. Besides, he had a garage to fix up, he owed Ellie that birthday present, after all.

Wandering into the kitchen Joel prepared his coffee and went to bring the steaming mug to his lips but stopped when he noticed something on the table when he’d turned around. There was a piece of paper lying there with a smaller piece of paper placed on top of it. He picked up the smaller piece and read the note that was scribbled in Ellie’s familiar uppercase handwriting.

OLD MAN -

That dinosaur of a lady on the council with the stick up her butt said I had to fill out this form and that you need to sign it. Fascism wins again. Heheheheh just kidding, kind of. See you tonight. Chef Boyardee?

Love, Ellie.

Joel stared at the note, particularly the last two words and a smile reached his eyes. He folded it neatly and put it in his pocket to put it in a safe place later so he could hang on to it. If he’d had a picture frame he’d probably damn well frame it. Jesus, he had gone soft.

Next he picked up the form underneath and glanced over the information Ellie had given.

Name. Ellie Williams-Miller. Joel’s heart caught in his throat but he swallowed it down and kept reading. Date of Birth. April 26th, 2009. He smiled. She’d chosen the same day that his and Rose’s birthdays had fallen on. Cute kid. Known Allergies. None. Joel commended her for not writing in a joke about being allergic to learning or something equally ridiculous. Parent(s) and/or Guardian. Joel Miller. She had circled over 'parent'. There went his heart flip flopping in his chest again. Pull it together old man. Emergency Contact (other than above) + Relationship. Tommy Miller (Uncle). He’d bet Tommy couldn’t wait to be addressed as an Uncle again. He briefly wondered if Ellie would ever call him Uncle Tommy. Maybe he’d let her know that Tommy might like that and let her decide if she wants to.

The last line was for parent/guardian signature and Joel quickly scribbled his name down and then stared at the form again until his coffee had surely gone cold.

Ok, Maybe he needed two picture frames.

[midnightsnyx]

allie's writing guide

requests are currently open.

what i write

reader x character

one shots/drabbles

imagines

alternative universes

social media au’s

headcanons

who i write

RPF: hockey players x reader

I don’t write for the following players but this is also subject to change! I may add players or take players off this list for various reasons.

auston matthews

patrick kane

jamie benn

carter hart

vince dunn

dillon dubé

michael mcleod

cal foote

alex formenton

max domi

nearly anyone over 21 unless it’s platonic is fair game, but again, this list is subject to change.

criminal minds

aaron hotchner

spencer reid

the last of us

joel miller

sentence starters here & here & here I don’t write smut/NSFW.

[penvisions]

reading this for inspiration and as a way to get back to writing on this level. i LOVED writing this and sharing it with y'all. this fic means so much to me and i really yearn for the excitement i had while thinking of these two and interacting with you all after each chapter. working on {gone to the dogs} now and it's slowly turning into something i'm enjoying more and more. love y'all, hope to return to posting fic soon

by the grit of sandpaper {masterlist}

Pairing: Jackson! Joel Miller x F! Reader

Summary: Joel Miller is a gruff as they come, the world having changed him for the worst. But settling in Jackson with his brother changed him for the better. He's known around town as someone to help, whether it be with home repairs, construction, and hand carved trinkets. An offhand comment from you inspires him to branch out and create helpful kitchen wares. And it seems everyone has been gifted one from him, except for you. It makes you rethink the casual friendship you had developed with the man that had just begun to expand beyond patrols.

Word Count: 57.8k - finished

Warnings: canon typical violence, canon typical language, pining, unrequited feelings, joel a little mean in this, heart of gold joel, carpenter joel, woodworking joel, artisan joel, patrol partnership, mild injuries, confessions, lots of feelings, angst, hurt and comfort, joel miller's hands need their own warning, arguing, heated interactions, smut, p in v, unprotected p in v, oral (f and m receiving), jealousy, more to be added as the story develops!

A/N: hinted at this back around the holidays, but will soon be committing time to bring this to life!

ao3 link || main masterlist || ko-fi

fic teaser || fic teaser no.2 || sneakie peek || olive's song

the conversations we have: pre-series one shots:

sweetening the deal || how we pass the time || weather permitting

main series:

chapter 1 || chapter 2 || chapter 3 || chapter 4 || chapter 5 || chapter 6 || chapter 7

epilogue **NEW

[modern-day-bard]

Other Duties as Assigned: A Joel Miller AU Fanficiton

Content Warning: 18+ Minors, do not interact. This story includes mature themes such as drinking, stalking, violence, and explicit smut.

Chapter 12: Harmony

word count: 4.7k

Joel

My shoulder blade feels as though it’s going to be cracked in half, and still, the door doesn’t budge. I scream her name repeatedly, though the response is always the same.

Silence.

Dull, aching, life-changing silence. Finally, with one final shove, the door is open, and I stumble in to find her, curled up on the floor. I know already, of course, because a sleeping person would have woken up by now. But still, I fall to my knees, and try to wake her. I keep screaming, telling her to wake up. Wake up, wake up, wake up, “WAKE UP!”

A sharp inhale enters my lungs, and I shoot up in my bed. I’m in my room, alone, covered in sweat.

Well, not my room, technically. My room in Gwen’s apartment. The light outside is almost a cobalt blue, showing just the beginning signs of morning. I fall back against my pillows, squeezing my eyes as though doing so can cleanse the memory out of me.

Six. That makes six nights in a row with the same dream. Certainly not the first time I’ve ever had it, but the first time in a few years. And definitely the first time I’ve had it this consistently.

It wouldn’t take a shrink for me to figure out it’s because of that scare with Gwen. It had been so long that I’d felt like that. Covering someone’s body with mine, knowing that I’m the only one who stands between them and harm’s way. Then the complete embarrassment after understanding that an older woman with a loose grip on her champagne glass was the threat I was so worried about. But that was the troubling thing. Even after I knew it was nothing, I didn’t feel like I overreacted. I never took my eyes off her for the rest of the night. Even though Gwen has cooled it with some of her revealing clothing to keep my eyes at bay, they still never falter. And they wouldn’t, should she choose to go back to lounging in the apartment in silky pajamas that could almost be classified as lingerie. It wouldn’t matter. I’m not letting her out of my sight.

I was afraid of something happening to her. And that fear woke me up.

I had reviewed over two hundred of Russell Corp’s employees, familiarizing myself particularly with those working on the radio side of things. I remembered the names that Gwen had called perverts, Ralph and Murphy. Thankfully, they worked in entertainment. So beyond night’s like tonight—Wednesday dinners—she shouldn’t have to see them. As for the others, if anyone unsuspected should show up, I’d be able to realize it before they become a threat.

It’s 5:30 in the morning. Normally I would head off for a workout, but I can’t risk Gwen sneaking out if I go up to the gym. I still feel like I should give Tommy a call and try to get my head screwed on tight, but it's even earlier back in Texas right now. Knowing Tommy, he’d be rolling out of bed five minutes before he had to leave for work. And that wouldn’t be for a few hours. I settle for some core strengthening workouts in the living room, doing my best to be quiet while moving through a few sets of pushups and crunches. Forty-five minutes later, I’ve worked up a sweat that wasn’t induced by a bad night’s sleep. Walking back down the hall, I’m wiping a bead of it off my brow with the bottom of my shirt when something collides with my chest.

“Ow,” Gwen grumbles, voice still raspy from sleep. Instinctively, my arms shoot out to steady her, but I drop them quickly afterwards.

“I’m sorry,” my voice is raw. I try to clear my throat a couple times. “Uh, are you on your way to the shower?”

Gwen blinks, taking a step back, her eyes flickering to my chest. The hem of my shirt is still pulled up from a moment ago, fully exposing my torso. I clear my throat for the third time, pulling it down to cover me again. Now Gwen can seemingly look anywhere except for me. She settles on one of the picture frames to my left.

“No, you can go ahead. Thanks.” She turns sideways, moving past me. That wasn’t the type of response I was expecting. Maybe she would have been nicer if I had always caught her earlier in the morning.

When my hand is on the handle of the bathroom, I turn to see her still standing in the hall, her back towards me. She shifts her weight back and forth, as she often does when she’s contemplating something. I wait, and sure enough, she turns around.

“Mr. Miller—” she calls, pausing to lower her voice when she realizes I haven’t closed the door yet.

“Yes?” I fold my arms across my chest, leaning against the doorframe.

“Did you…Have you been sleeping okay?” Gwen just about cringes as she asks it. My spine goes rigid. Is this girl psychic or something?

“Fine. I slept fine.”

She doesn't buy it. Not one bit. But her response lacks her usual bite. “We can make other accommodations if you need something different.”

I can’t hide the confusion on my face. “Everything is fine, Miss Russell.”

She nods, and for a moment I think we’re done. But it’s Gwen, so of course we’re not. “I thought I heard something the night before last. And this early morning too–”

“Miss Russell,” I say, more firmly than I’ve ever addressed her. “Thank you. But I’m fine, ma’am.”

Her eyes spark, but it’s not anger this time. We’re too far from each other to tell. But the way she’s drawing in breath, short and heavy…

I pull away from the doorframe, backing into the bathroom once more. It’s too early for this.

“Just as you said,” she adds, tapping a fingernail against the hallway, “Thin walls.” And then she leaves to enter the kitchen, and my stomach nearly drops out of my ass.

Had I made noise in my sleep? God forbid, had I yelled? Cried? The thought of it has me clenching my jaw hard enough to hear a pop. And could this be a ploy for her somehow? She looked genuinely concerned. I’d seen her interact with enough people to know that her hostility was mainly reserved for me, and occasionally Daniel or William. With her friends and the rest of the staff she was…lovely. Thoughtful. Shockingly down-to-earth for someone of her status. We may be on better terms than how we started, but that wasn’t saying much. I’m too suspicious to think that we have some sort of fresh start.

Luckily, I had an entire day of waiting outside of Gwen’s office to worry about it.

- - -

They cart her around for meetings occasionally, and I act simply as her shadow. We might catch each other’s eye throughout the day, but it’s brief. Just passing by, as if confirming the other is still there. I am grateful that it’s a passing glance over a glare at this point.

We don’t speak until we’re back in the car at seven o’clock, when she remembers, with a curse under her breath, that we’re on our way to her father’s house.

“Do you know the guest list?” It takes me a moment to realize she’s asking me.

“It’s the same as the week before.”

“Wonderful,” she drones, sinking low in her seat. I can’t help but watch her, even if all I can see is part of her legs in my periphery. My worries about what she did or didn’t hear transform into something else. I picture William’s unapologetic smirk when his daughter complained about the men he had allowed in their home, and I grip my leg through my jeans tight enough to cause pain. He hired someone to protect her yet he holds the door open for people who make her uncomfortable. I doubt she asks about the list purely out of curiosity.

As usual, Gwen doesn’t look distressed walking in. Her shiny hair mimics her silk shirt, swaying as she strides through the doors. Just like the last two times, Ezra looks at her like she is the messiah. Which to him, maybe she is.

“Miss Russell! Welcome. Mr. Miller, good to see you again.”

“Just Joel, please. Good to see you, too.” That’s the third time Ezra ignored my first-name-basis request, and I don’t think it’ll be the last.

I help Gwen out of her jacket, and to my surprise, she snatches it from me before I can put it on the hanger, and she does it herself.

“Ezra, can you be sure Mr. Miller gets a plate in the kitchen?”

Okay, now I’m even more surprised.

“Absolutely,” he gives me a glowing smile.

I position myself to be slightly in front of Gwen in the foyer, because right on cue…

“Gwenny! How was work?” Daniel has to peer around me to find her, but as he does, I move to her side, creating a barrier between her and one of his forced hugs. A hug that always leads to him with a hand resting on her lower back.

“Well, work isn’t over if I’m here, is it?” Gwen barely needs me to stand between the two of them. Her words and pococurante attitude build up a shield in no time.

He tries to remain quick-witted, shooting me a look. “Aw, is dinner coming between you and a little shopping?”

“If you can part with your hand for a few hours, I can part with my Amex all the same.”

I cough into my fist, hiding a laugh. I can feel Gwen’s curious eyes watching me, as well as the rage rolling off of Daniel’s tense shoulders.

“On second thought, Ezra,” she says, tossing a smile in his direction, “I’ll show Mr. Miller to the kitchen myself,” Gwen wraps her hand around the crook of my elbow, pulling us away from a dumbfounded Daniel. He doesn’t have anything to say as we leave him in the foyer.

We walk in silence down the long hallway to the bustling kitchen, and Gwen doesn’t let go of my arm until she escorts me to a barstool next to one of the two islands.

“Melissa is the head chef. She should be around here somewhere, but regardless, they’ll have an extra plate for you.” She pats her hand against the marble, like she wants to say something else. I’m just close to laughing again over the fact that this was an option the past few weeks. I would have happily eaten here instead of making a sandwich once we got home.

“Thank you,” I say instead.

“Don’t mention it,” she slides her hand across the back of the barstool now, hesitating. “Thanks for getting in Daniel’s way. He can be…”

“A jackass?” I shouldn’t have said it out loud. Especially not in the kitchen with half a dozen staff working nearby.

But her face brightens, making a smile tug at the corner of my mouth.

“A jackass on a good day.”

“Don’t mention it,” I repeat her words, smirking despite myself. “And you seem to handle him just fine.”

“Yeah, well, he’ll go tattle and I’ll pay for it later I’m sure,” she stares off through the doorway, down the hall for a minute before her features snap back into place, prepping for whatever awaits her in the dining room. “Enjoy your meal.”

“You too,” I say, knowing that enjoyment is way too big an expectation.

She huffs a soft laugh before leaving me behind. I catch myself taking a step after her, wishing I could go, too. I want to know where she’s going to sit, or rather, whom she’ll have to sit next to. I also want to know what they’re going to say to her, and I’d pay to hear what she’ll say back.

The clink of a plate pulls my attention back to the island, where a middle-aged woman is smiling at me.

“Mr. Miller?” she asks.

“Hey. Just Joel, please.” I extend my hand to her.

“Melissa, nice to meet you. I’m about to plate their starters but I wanted to introduce myself real quick. If you need anything else, let me know.” She gives me another smile, which I return, before she ventures off to another part of the kitchen. What I realize now is that there are two kitchens. I had memorized the blueprint layout in terms of exit points, but I didn’t recognize before that I was in the back kitchen, used for prep. The large doorway to my right led into the kitchen that would usually be used by the family, except I would bet a week’s salary that William had never stepped foot in there in his life. Judging by what I’d seen Gwen make for herself, and what I’d seen her personal shopper leave for her, I’m guessing she was rarely in there herself.

I’m thankful that the staff around me is busy, because I eat this meal like I’ve been stranded. It rivaled the one that I had at La Grenouille, and I was scarfing it down like crazy. I think it’s lamb maybe? It’s damn good, whatever it is.

The issue with finishing my meal so quickly is that I know I have some serious time to kill. Last time I was here I did a sweep of the basement, which was mainly storage and laundry. I may have spent some additional time down there doing more research on Murphy and Ralph. It was frustrating, even with Angus’ connections, how little we could find. Angus was able to look a little deeper than an average web search, and he found a few blind items from HR, and some whispers about Gwen calling them out several weeks ago at a charity event. Beyond that, there was nothing.

I take my time moving through the first floor of the house, ending up in the study for the second time. I peruse through their bookshelves, noting several first editions being displayed as if they were nothing more than cookbooks from the thrift store. After a few minutes, I find myself next to that locked door once again. Gwen had said that it was nearly impossible to get it open, yet I still try the handle. Maybe this wasn’t strange to people like William, to lock doors in your own home. There were, afterall, many staff members and a constant revolving door of guests. He could have valuables inside. But my suspicion grows when I think about the books I just saw sitting out in the open library. There could be valuables in a sentimental sense…but he doesn’t seem like the type.

I jiggle the handle again, noting that it requires both a passcode and a key to open. Part of me thinks that the reason for my suspicion is simply to pass time. Part of me thinks it’s odd to hide away your private office when everything around me looks expensive enough to pawn, and any electronics he had in there would likely be highly password protected. So, what’s the point?

I tap my finger on the passcode block, prompting it to illuminate. I think of possible combinations like his birth year or Gwen’s. My hand falters, unsure if I should simply ask to view the room as a safety precaution. But I don’t have an excuse here beyond curiosity and that weird, nagging feeling in my stomach. I start to type in William’s birth year and press the green checkmark before I can second-guess myself. The light around the block turns bright red, and three quick warning buzzes sound off, prompting me to yank my hand—

“Uh, Mr. Miller,” I’m startled, cursing myself for not remembering that I didn’t hear Gwen approach last time either. Ezra meets my surprised expression with one of equal apprehension.

“I’m sorry but no one is allowed in that room.”

“I was just curious…” I had no other excuse, I guess.

“I’m not allowed, um, I’m not supposed to let anyone in here alone, either.”

Interesting.

“No worries, Ezra.” I follow him out into the hall, and he promptly closes the door behind me. His unease makes me wonder how he faces William every day. He’s organized, attentive, clearly good at his job. But I would think that a boss like that could make things difficult.

“I’m just trying to pass the time,” I offer, hoping he can relax a little. “I like exploring when I can. It makes the job easier.”

“I understand. Have you been upstairs?”

“Yes, briefly to confirm the layout a few weeks ago.”

“Well, if you’re still trying to pass the time, you’re welcome to check out the swimming pool on this floor or any of the guest spaces upstairs. There’s a theater as well.”

I had known this, of course, from the blueprints. But hearing him say there is a swimming pool in a New York City townhouse so casually still makes me want to choke.

“Thank you, Ezra. I’ll do a lap.”

“Lovely. I’ll be in the foyer or the kitchen if you need anything.” He scurries off before I can reply, and I decide to take the back stairwell.

The second floor is just as ornate and regal as the first, if slightly more intimate. I take my time now where I hadn’t before. Looking at the paintings and photographs on the walls, stopping into the first two guest rooms to see how the decor differs from the rest of the house. The closer I get to the main staircase, the more personal the photos become. I recognize Isla now, smiling broadly at the camera while she guides a horse with a curly haired blonde girl on top. It must be Gwen. She’s smiling not at the camera, but at her mom. In the photo next to it, a younger version of William stands behind a preteen Gwen. Both of them are next to a burly man standing behind a young, brunette boy. From my research, I’m assuming it’s Daniel and his father, Edward. Arthur’s packet of information told me they had been partners for quite some time. Maybe that explains Daniel’s general asshole-ry. He doesn’t feel that he is as replaceable as the others.

I turn down one of the alcoves in the hallway to find two rooms opposite each other. From the floorplan, the one on the left is a bedroom, and the one on the right is an office. I open the bedroom door first, but I don’t dare cross the threshold when I realize that it’s Gwen’s. If I wouldn’t have known from the rack of clothes and mixture of modern and antique decor, I would know by the smell. Vanilla with a hint of the outdoors. The type of freshness that can sometimes be lost in the city. Also the type of freshness that can bring on the occasional bout of homesickness. It’s the same that I smell when she passes by me in the morning, or we stand next to each other in the elevator. I take one more deep inhale before turning to the door adjacent to it.

The office. An office that has no desk, no computer, no file cabinets. In its place is the most expensive grand piano I’ve ever seen. I’m drawn into the room just by the sight of it. On the wall behind the piano are more photos of Isla, but from her childhood. There’s an obvious difference in these pictures. Isla mostly on farmland in overalls, one picture from a piano recital, and another of her behind the counter of a diner. None of them posed, just curated by a natural progression of life instead of an aesthetic.

When I turn to look at the other wall, I notice the only chair in the room besides the piano bench. The chair is seated next to a lone guitar, propped up on a stand. My chest tightens. I glance quickly at the doorway, and listen. Nothing. I close the door somewhat, leaving it open only a crack, and take a seat next to the guitar.

After returning to the states, playing was the first thing I wanted to do. It was something I only ever wanted to do alone, and I rarely had alone time at the embassy. Much less a guitar. I hadn’t had nearly enough time at home to actually play, and damn, I miss it.

I handle it with care, assuming it probably costs more than my house. It needed some serious tuning, but after a few minutes, she sounds good as new. I strum quietly, mindlessly, long enough to close my eyes. Letting the soft sounds soothe me as they always had. I know that I could afford one now and leave it in the apartment, but it wouldn’t feel right. I felt the need to be strong around Gwen, hoping it would ground her in a sense. I don’t see anything grounding and tough about a security officer who plays music before bed.

Before I know it, I hum along with the forging melody. With my eyes closed, I can picture being at home, in the fresh air, the birds chirping in the distance. I can drown out the sound of footsteps.

Shit. The sound of footsteps.

I hastily place the guitar back on its stand, striding across the room to look once more at the photos. Honestly, I’m not sure if that’s any better.

The door creaks open behind me, and I turn to see Gwen.

I half-expected it to be Ezra, come to tell me that this area was also off-limits. I’m a little surprised that she would come up here at all. She never seems to want to visit, so I didn’t think she’d do much exploring on her own.

“Why’d you stop?” she asks, and my heart drops.

“Stop what?”

As if playing dumb will work. Great call, Miller.

Gwen arches a brow. “I haven’t heard music coming from this room in over a decade. Either I’m crazy, or I heard you playing something.”

“I was just looking at the pictures…” I gesture vaguely to the different photographs along the wall.

She just stares at me as I cross and uncross my arms, twice.

“Okay, yes. I apologize, I didn’t mean to overstep—”

“It’s fine,” Gwen’s face relaxes, speaking in a tone so gentle I didn’t know she was capable of. “You’re not overstepping. It’s…nice to hear something come out of here for once.”

Oh. Not what I expected from her at all.

“Did she play?” I incline my head toward one of her mom’s pictures, before that pit in my stomach returns. A pit that wonders why I’m asking, why I’m pushing the boundaries.

Gwen’s features look only somewhat shocked that I asked. Or maybe…excited? “She played piano. Beautifully. But guitar?” She lets out a small giggle that practically demands a laugh out of me even though I’m not a part of the joke, “She was absolutely horrible. She kept that one out of nostalgia. It was her dad’s. They used to play together.”

“Her dad’s? I shouldn’t have touched it. It’s an heirloom…”

Gwen’s eyes grow sad, glancing at that corner of the room. “Maybe. But it’s collecting dust.”

She continues to look at that empty chair in a way that is almost disappointed. In this light, surrounded by memories of her loved ones, her entire appearance seems more vulnerable. Maybe it’s that vulnerability that propels me forward, asking more questions I shouldn’t.

“Was she just as strong-willed as you?” My voice is almost a whisper.

At first, Gwen glances at me with genuine surprise, and possibly a little appreciation. Then, she looks towards the piano. A nostalgic smile spreads across her face, lighting up her eyes in a way I’ve never seen. “Not at all, actually. She was soft-spoken. Kind. She made everyone else soft around her, too,” Her gaze is relaxed, focused on something far off and intangible, “People always think the most powerful person in the room is the one who speaks the loudest or the harshest but…she was so inspiring. The way the entire room would quiet to hear her ideas, her jokes, her opinions…there was nothing more powerful than that.” Her voice cracks slightly, and for the second time tonight I feel the need to step closer to her. Only this time, I restrain it.

Something seems to pull her back into the present moment, and she looks at me again. “Sorry. It’s been a while since anyone has asked about her. I tend to…ramble.”

“I asked. Don’t be sorry. ” I want to kick myself for just reiterating what she said. Especially when I want to tell her that I’d like her to ramble more often, whenever she feels like it.

“How did you know she was gone?” It wasn’t accusatory, just curiosity.

“It’s my job to know your inner circle. To make sure I know the people you surround yourself with. Arthur provided me with the basics, and when those included your father and not your mother, I did some digging…” I drag a hand down my face, “It doesn’t feel right to say that after you know someone has passed.”

“Feels like you're a grave digger?” Humor sparks her eyes now, and I feel a bit of relief that the sadness has dissipated.

“A bit, yeah.”

She lets out a short laugh. “If anyone is being a bit of a grave digger, it’s not you.”

Gwen’s eyes widen a little, holding each other’s gaze for a minute as her smile drops. But she speaks before I can ask her what she meant.

“Well,” she clears her throat, “Dinner is over. In the spirit of…sharing, I suppose, I want to let you know in advance that we’ll be attending a wedding next weekend.”

“Oh,” Wouldn’t she have known about that sooner? “That seems last minute. Uh, thank you for telling me.”

“It is last minute. I wasn’t invited before, but my father is on a ‘smoothing it over’ streak, and thanks to these dinner parties, I have to go.”

“I see. Who’s wedding is it?”

“Murphy Schuyler. He’s marrying Annabelle…something. They’ve been dating for a long time.”

“Murphy Schuyler as in the man downstairs? The pervert?”

Again, she looks surprised. “You remember that? Yes, the pervert. One in the same.”

I didn’t know what he had done, and not that Gwen lacked hyperbole, but I remember her briefly hopeful face several weeks ago when I told her I could keep them away if she asked. That was all the confirmation I needed. And now her father is forcing her to attend his wedding?

“Of course I remember. I didn’t think you’d be expected to go.”

“Yeah, well, me neither. Annabelle certainly isn’t happy about it,” she picks at her nails, “Anyway, I thought you should know. You’ll have to pack a bag, it’s up in Vermont. We leave next Friday and the rehearsal dinner is that night. We’ll return on Sunday.”

“Copy that.”

She gives me a quick nod, pausing as she turns to leave, “Also, you’ll need to get a tux.”

“How do you know I don’t have one?”

The allure of a challenge pulls at the corner of her mouth as her eyes scan me up and down. Heat prickles my skin at the inspection.

“Your daily wardrobe would lead me to believe you’re lacking in formal attire,” she turns, whipping her hair behind her, “You’re welcome to try and prove me wrong.”

She was right. As usual.

I catch myself smiling at the doorway she’d just been inhabiting, before I essentially smack myself in the face to wipe it off. But maybe that’s not a bad thing. It would be okay to enjoy my work a little, right? To engage with my client?

Engaging in what way? I wouldn’t explore that now. Nor would I be exploring the instinctual desire that swirls in my stomach.

That can wait. Indefinitely.

Next Chapter

Previous Chapter

Masterlist

[saintgoths]

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ ɴɪɴᴇ

CHAPTER NINE - NIGHT.

WORD COUNT - 2,015.

RATING - G.

SUMMARY - isabella leaves to miami to retrieve her evidence while the rosalind children adapt to not having their mother around as a certain citizen barely hides her jealousy towards ivy and ellie while the youngest rosalind begins her piano classes in the lorde Household.

liking, commenting, reblogging or following would be heavily appreciated!

It was going to take a good temporal length to get to Miami, and Isabella had to come to terms with the length of the upcoming period, the woman discerned that throughout her journey, she would achingly miss her children. Nevertheless, her trip to Miami was specifically for her children’s safety; heretofore Isabella left Jackson, she had a conversation with Maria and Tommy, she had explained to them that her trip was to get supplies that she needed, that evidently weren’t in Jackson, she felt bad lying to them, but her excuse wasn’t a complete lie.

They did offer her men and women to come with her, but Isabella had told the couple that she thought it would be best to go on her own. However, out of kindness the two had supplied Isabella of a horse she named Lana to help her get to her location quicker and Isabella was utterly grateful for what they have provided to her.

They provided the woman two pistols, a hunting rifle, a bunch of Molotov cocktails and melee weapons, Isabella had her own shiv but was very appreciative of the weapons they furnished for her. It had been around forty-five minutes ever since her departure and the matriarch guessed it would take less than four days to get to Miami unless her trip was disrupted besides from the obvious infected.

It didn’t surprise her that she would run into some infected immediately, Isabella had observed that they were Runners, meaning that they were weaker than other infected, Runners were pale, mottled and covered in wounds with handful of their hairs falling out of their head. They were known to have poor eyesight and maintained human-like vocals like their groans.

Isabella quietly hopped off Lana and tied her reins around a tree ere she used her stealth to attack one Runner with her shiv. She hastily grabbed the infected with her left arm and suffocated the being prior to stabbing the zombie numerous of times till it demised.

-As the body lifelessly dropped, Isabella sighed consoled and mollified that she was able to have a plethora of action. She turned to another Runner who was a couple of steps away from her, its back faced towards Isabella, in a hunched position, motionless; Isabella sneakily crept towards the Runner in attempt to smother and stifle it to death.

It began to moan loudly, its body moved passively, attempted to resist Isabella along with the fungus’ influence. Though, the Runners defence was in vain as it simply died in Isabella’s arm, after she acknowledged that the infected was now dead, Isabella pushed the deceased Runner away. Noticed a badge that was under dirt just beneath her.

She simply crouched down and picked it up, discerned that it appeared like one of the badges Ivy collected. Ivy collected Butterfly badges, Isabella remembered how Ivy used to go on about the butterfly being her spirit animal, the woman then examined the badge and checked that it was a Common Green Birdwing Badge before she pushed the object into her bag.

Unaware that she left one infected alone that soon picked up on Isabella’s arrival, the moment it’s groan became louder, Isabella quickly turned her body towards the direction of the infected, quickly pulled out her pistol and relieved at least two bullets into its head then watched it collapse against the field.

Apprised that the sound of bullets might’ve alerted other infected, Isabella quickly made way back to Lana, untied her from the tree she assigned the horse to then hurriedly climbed onto the steed’s back and urged the colt to continue their trip.

Maria stood in front of the three Rosalind children as she were one of the three adults, besides Tommy and Joel who took the responsibility to look after Isabella’s children. Even though Maria had a whole community to look after, she did have other people who could take on stuff she did, plus, Maria also did this out of the fondness she had for Isabella.

“Just because your mother isn’t here doesn’t mean there’s no school for you guys,” Maria jokingly pointed out, her hands awkwardly on her hips as she gestured them to come closer to her. “Robin, after school you have training with Joel, and Venus is going to start her piano lessons with Kaylee.”

“Ivy,” Maria then skewed to the oldest Rosalind child, “I was told your skills have improved so you will be able to pick your patrol partner soon,” Ivy smiled at the new knowledge accustomed to her, “now get to class,” she light-heartedly directed the three children who then scurried out of the Rosalind building.

Ivy was pleased that she was soon able to do patrols out of Jackson, yet, it’ll most likely start when Isabella returned back to the society. The last thing the matriarch want is to hear that Maria didn’t promise her wishes and let one of her children out.

“Why do you think mum’s gone?” Venus inquired the two of her siblings, her innocent tone contrived her two older siblings to mentally seek for answers to ooze her curious mind. However, the two couldn’t find an appropriate answer.

“Ah, I don’t know, it’s just mum being secretive again,” Ivy lightly mumbled, lightly greeted a few citizens who bid them a good-morning as they walked by.

“I wonder when mum will finally trust us with her secrets,” Robin casually said, he curved his head to briefly look at his older sister, “I know mum trusts you with her secrets.”

“Well, she didn’t tell me the reason for this one,” Ivy bluntly foretold which caused Robin to make a perplexed expression due to her curt manners. Forthwith, Jesse sauntered his way towards the three Rosalind siblings, merrily greeted the three of them ere he took Ivy away from her folk and walked with her to their school building, left Venus and Robin to kick off their own conversation.

“A little birdie told me you and Ellie made up,” Jesse facetiously brought up.

Ivy gently hurtled her shoulders, “the argument wasn’t big enough for there to be any making up, it was just you two behaving like two idiots over a guy who’s barely done anything.”

Jesse jeered, entertained by Ivy’s arrant and impudent attitude. “As funny as the guy is, he is a dick,” Jesse facilely mentioned as their presences towards the school neared, “I mean I don’t mind you being friends with him, but mixing him with our friendship is a big no.”

It was Ivy’s turn to jeer at Jesse, she looked up at him in disbelief, “friendship?” Ivy repeated in distrust.

“Aren’t we friends?” Jesse genuinely questioned whilst they entered the school building at the same time Robin and Venus trailed behind them and then made way towards their own classes.

Ivy hummed not aware of her own answer. “I don’t know, perhaps acquaintances,” she sassily joked during the moment she made way into their classroom, Jesse snickered at her answer then hiked towards his seat.

Dina and Ellie were already in the classroom, they seemed to be having their own conversation, Ellie afflicted and Dina peeved and fidgety.

“Hey,” Ivy hindered the miffed conversation the two women shared and Ivy could see Dina drop her shoulders, peeved and wired.

“Hi,” she greeted evidently tormented.

Ellie looked back at Ivy with an instigative smile, the four of them all sat down on their seats, Ivy glanced behind her and noted that Rowan was either late or was not coming in, soon after she turned back to the front, she could feel the uncomfortable glances almost all of them shared with one another.

It was clear to Ivy that it must’ve been about Ellie and her spending the night together, this was what Ivy was uneasy about, petty disputes because of romance. Dina was surely territorial to things or people she believed was hers, keep in mind, Dina is a good person, the young girl was just very possessive.

Ivy lightly breathed through her nose before she turned to face the front of the class during the time that their teacher prepared for their English class.

As soon as school was finished for the day, the youngest Rosalind kin was dropped off to the Lorde household, it had been about an hour since the young girl’s arrival and the young teenager was already brought to the big piano and shaped to already press her fingers against the keys.

Venus was adept and efficient for a beginner, but Kaylee cited that there was still a lot of work Venus had to exercise.

In the atmosphere, Venus had acclaimed that the Lorde cabin had a darker tone compared to her home. There were more maroon, brown and black colours, moreover, if Venus was being genuine, she’d say that these colours did bring comfort to her drab aesthetic.

After a long period of playing with the keys to a melody Kaylee had strictly fashioned her to practice, the girl was finally allowed to take a break, Venus was grateful that Kaylee’s optimistic and bright attitude was dimmer and dourer when it came to lessons; at least Venus’ mother would be paying for the lessons for a good upshot.

“I’ve heard your mother has gone on a trip.”

Venus had forgotten that it wasn’t only Kaylee and her downstairs, the practice room was mutual by Adam who sat down and read a book that Venus observed had a very interesting cover, Venus had considered on asking what book he was reading after she responded to his question, “yes,” Venus simply answered, “what book are you reading?”

Adam made an “oh” noise ere he hid the cover of his book with an abashed expression on his face as if he has been caught red-handed. Venus peered her head to the side, luckily, she was able to catch the title of the book, her nose scrunched in confusion as she sounded out the letters. “F—Fifty? What is Fifty Shades of Grey?” Venus curiously investigated which caused the man to sit down silently, unprepared with what to say, but Kaylee returned back to the practice room in time with a bunch of freshly-baked cookies which easily caught the attention of the young girl.

Kaylee looked back at Adam with a balked and foiled expression as she watched her brother silently apologise.

“Does your mother like the flowers Adam gifted her?” Kaylee inquired the young girl whilst she placed the batch of cookies on the low table.

Venus swiftly prodded herself of the sweet pea flowers Robin informed Venus the Lorde man gifted their mother. “Oh right, yes, she did,” Venus nonchalantly reacted, “she likes flowers and is gardening in our backyard, she was very grateful for it.”

Adam looked delighted at the young girl’s answer who was agile and astute enough to know what was going on.

“Do you like my mum?” Venus bluntly asked the man, easily observed how the two Lorde twins became stiff, caught in the act of their code hastily revealed by the curt and keen little girl. With their awkward kickback, Venus’ answer was commonly answered; Venus found Adam aberrant there was something about him that was different and off but the girl couldn’t place her finger on what was the mystifying thing about him. With a smirk that provoked the man that sat down a handful of paces before her, Venus leaned forward with a new-fangled face on her expression. “I hope you know that you’re not the only one in line,” Venus rudely teased, “and I hope you know that you’re not even first or second in line.”

Kaylee coughed to put a halt at the young girl’s mannerless comment. “I’m sure that your mother taught you manners,” the female twin retorted during the moment Venus picked up a cookie and munched it away, the woman then gestured Venus to return back to the piano and resume committed to the instrument ere she looked back at Adam and shooed him out of the practice room.

thank you @ash37474 and @panemedited for the support!

liking, commenting, reblogging or following would be heavily appreciated!

if you wanted to hear what the song venus played sounded like here it is!

[whiskeybeforesunset]

Ghosts Part 2 | Joel Miller

Pairing: Joel Miller x GN!Reader

Word Count: 1.9k

Synopsis: Reader is with Joel and Ellie as they continue their stay in Jackson. As always, slow burn. Bittersweet talks and heated arguments. Maybe a bit of a different kind of heat as a treat. 

Warnings: Arguing, Joel enters a room before knocking as sees the Reader somewhat undressed (think swimsuit), with that Reader’s body is mentioned but no specific details are given, out of character Joel, shamefully little about Ellie in this chapter.

Author’s note **IMPORTANT PLEASE READ**: For those who have enjoyed the story so far, I’m wondering if you have a preference on how I handle the events of Episode 8. I understand the importance of that darker storyline, and that some readers may prefer it remain in this adaptation. However, I don’t believe Ellie’s SA is necessary in what is meant to be a love story. There are also several logistical issues as to how Ellie may have been captured if there was still an adult able to hunt for/protect her. Right now, my favorite alternative is either Joel or the Reader having a bad case of the flu (fever so high they could die), so there’s still a potential danger without having to include that particular storyline. Plus, everyone loves a good sick fic. Let me know if you guys might enjoy that, if you have any additional thoughts I would love to hear them. 

Previous Chapter, Next Chapter

___

The heaviness between you and Joel dissipates as the lights sputter back on and voices around you begin to discuss the movie. Tommy suggests you and Joel come over to theirs for a late night drink, but Joel swiftly declines and begins to make his way towards the nearest exit. You give Tommy a sympathetic shrug before following Joel outside. 

You step out into the cold night air just in time to see Ellie swiftly making her way back to the house, at least you hope that’s where she’s going. She just needs some alone time, you tell yourself. It’s not like she has much of an opportunity for it traveling across the country. He seems to consider following her, but slows his pace upon noticing the familiar tree in his path.

“Y’know,” you say, slightly out of breath as you jog up to be beside him. “I was thinking about taking the scenic route back. He peers at you through the corner of his eye. Looking back up to where Ellie was last visible he exhales slowly, creating a puff of steam as he does so.

“You’re welcome to join me, if you’d like.” He accepts your offer with a short nod, and follows as you turn and begin the alternative path to your temporary home. 

In the absence of the bustling movie-goers, a silence once again falls over you. Looking at Joel, you notice his eyebrows are set in a way that makes him look more irritated than usual. Who knew that was even possible? Still, there was something about him that was just so… striking. Not in that way, because Joel is well, Joel… right? But still, you can’t deny the way the sparing lamp light accents his more rugged features. It certainly causes one’s imagination to-

Joel clears his throat and you suddenly become very aware of the fact that you are staring, and presumably have been doing so for a long time. You quickly swivel your head away from him, hoping the cold would provide a good enough cover for the pink on your cheeks.

“So,” you start, desperate to clear the thoughts at the top of your mind, “Maria seems like a good fit for Tommy.” He huffs out a laugh. The sound of your boots against gravel count out the seconds in which you wait for a longer response from him. 

“Well, I think it’s sweet.” A small smile comes to your face at the idea of your friend being able to live a fulfilling life in Jackson.

“Sweet, huh?” Joel asks, not so much denying the label as he is surprised that you’re saying it.

“Yeah I mean, it’s nice to know there’s a chance of ending up with something like that. Even in this world.” You elaborate.

“I didn’t think you the type,” he looks at you and says with a slightly amused tone. 

“Yeah, well,” you return his gaze. “With the right person of course.” You both stay like that for a moment, your eyes glance at his lips as he opens and closes them, debating whether or not to say something. 

“What about you?” You hesitantly ask, immediately regretting it as Joel turns his head to face forward again. Although you briefly wonder if you had really said anything at all due to his lack of response. You’re eyes still on him, you watch his face shift through emotions. 

“I, uh,” he pauses looking down at the gravel path. “I reckon I’m passed that sort of thing now, not really an option anymore.” He turns his heading, as if to avoid your reaction. 

“Oh,” is the final word said as you two conclude your walk to the house silently.

Upon entering you remember your plan to talk to Ellie, but decide against it when you see Joel heading for the room she’s staying in. It’s probably for the best, he’s always better at talking her down anyways. You sigh, and decide you’ll finish off this very confusing day with a hot shower. Might as well while you can, right?

…

Turning the shower head off, you notice yelling you hadn’t previously made out through the water splashing on tile. 

You make your way out of the bathroom and into the adjoining bedroom, trying to catch snippets of the argument as you dry off and begin to get dressed. A door slams and loud footsteps make their way up the stairs. 

You make a mental note to check in on the two of them -separately- sometime tomorrow. However, this plan is scratched as Joel bursts through the door. 

“Oh,” Joel’s rage-filled face quickly fills with embarrassment and something you can’t quite make out as his eyes scan over your body. “Sorry, I, um-” he stutters out, turning so that he's perpendicular to the doorway. 

“It’s fine, Joel.” You offer him a reassuring smile as a blush comes over your face. After all, he didn’t see anything he wouldn’t have seen at a public pool back in the day. Even if the context is a bit more… intimate. 

“Tell me, what’s so important that you had to immediately come and speak to me.” You say in a joking tone, grabbing something to finish covering yourself up. Joel turns to you, eyes slightly unfocused. His brain yet to recover from the unexpected scene discovered upon his entrance. 

“That one sounded a bit more heated than normal.” You add, hoping to jog his memory.

“What? Oh, yes. Yes. We uh,” his gaze hardens as he regains his composure, also taking a moment to close the door. “We need to talk.”

“Okay.” You respond, taking a seat on the edge of the bed and adjusting to his more serious tone. 

“Look, I think it might be best if going forward you take Ellie alone.” Your eyes quickly look up at him. He remains standing near the entrance of the room, arms crossed and face turned slightly to avoid your gaze. 

“What?” You say, blinking rapidly as your mouth finally catches up to your brain. It feels like it’s processing a million thoughts per second.

“This last month, all I’ve learned is how weak I’ve become.” Joel says, bringing a hand to his creased brow.

“What are you talking about?” You challenge, unable to understand how he came to this conclusion. 

“Tess.” At the mention of her name, the room goes quiet. “If it wasn’t for me she…” he sighed and began pacing around the small room. 

“What happened in Kansas City, I’m too slow and deaf. Christ, if you weren’t there.” Joel takes a deep breath before continuing. “She’s only 14, and all I’ve done so far is put her in further danger. And you…” You shake your head saying his name to begin to dispel what he is saying but he cuts you off.

“I’m weak.” He says quietly.

“You are not weak.” You respond at a similar volume.

“Lately there are these moments… like earlier today,” he states, finally sparing you a glance. “That’s not the first time it’s happened, it’s just the first time you’ve seen it.” 

The room goes quiet as you process this new information. Joel comes to sit next to you at the foot of the bed.

“I have these dreams,” he says shakily. “I don’t know what happens in them, I can’t remember. I just know that when I wake up, I’ve lost something.”

Cool water drips from your hair and onto your neck, dampening your shirt. You sit in shock, unsure of how to respond.

“I’m failing in my sleep. It’s all I do, it’s all I’ve ever done is fail her.”

“You’re not-” you start, but as you turn to look at him you are met with a teary eyed glare, begging you not to continue. You close your eyes and rub two fingers against your temple, questioning the events that have brought you to this point, sighing as you lay back on the bed.

“She likes you more.” You say casually as you stare at the ceiling, changing the topic slightly but still remaining on subject.

“No she doesn’t.” Joel says in a dejected voice. You heard a rustling of fabric as your averted gaze allows for Joel to wipe his tears without feeling judged.

“Yes she does.” You state matter-of-factly.

“Trust me, after the… talk we just had, no she doesn’t.” He says sharply. You stare at the motionless ceiling fan debating whether or not to ask.

“What’d you say?” You question, curiosity getting the better of you.

“Same thing I told you.” He says in an exhausted tone. 

“Well, I can see why she might hate you then.” You say half joking. He turns his head to glare at you but doesn’t respond. “What’d she say?”

“She… she said she wasn’t Sarah.” His response causes you to sit up.

“She knows about Sarah?” You ask, he nods in response. You sit for a minute trying to form a response, before you can, Joel speaks again.

“She won’t want me there. You’ll be fine, better, without me.” He says as he begins to stand up.

“Well what if I want you there?” You say, standing to your feet. The exclamation surprises you as much as it does him. He turns back to look at you. You feel your face begin to tighten as the reality of the situation begins to settle in. You aren’t a fool, you know what happens if you leave alone with Ellie tomorrow. By the time you return to Jackson, Joel will be long gone. You’ll have no way of getting in contact or finding him again. If he goes now, you know it’s goodbye. 

“What if I need you?” You say, embarrassed by the wavering in your voice. The light from the bedside lamp reflects his dark eyes. His hand reaches forward momentarily, before returning to his side, balling up into a fist. 

“Tommy’ll meet you at the stables tomorrow morning.” He says, not acknowledging your words as he looks at the wooden floor boards below. “They’ll be a horse ready for you.” Joel quickly exists before you can reply. You feel a rise in your gut as the slammed door echoes throughout the room.

“God dammit!” You yell, throwing your bag across the room. 

Your anger fades observing your scattered belongings. Deep torrid breaths become shorter and more broken as you feel tears start to form in your eyes. Your throat tightens and you suppress a hiccup from escaping. 

You bite your lip and shake your head, wiping the tears away. Crawling into bed, you tell yourself you don’t have the liberty to be upset over disagreements with your now ex… companion. You have a job to do, keep the kid safe, get her where she needs to go. That’s what’s important, you reassure yourself before turning off the light. 

Sleep does not come easy though, as the events of the day replay in your head. You shift onto your back and stare at the shadows running across the ceiling, unable to keep the image of Joel’s heart broken eyes out of your mind. 

[memelovescaps]

GO READ THISSS!!!!!!! Come and let's cry together!

Fandom: The Last of Us

Title: The World Is Much Too Cold To Sleep Alone

Pairings/Relationships: Joel and Ellie

Summary:

Ellie was shivering. She was shivering, and it had nothing to do with the cold. Joel held her close to his side as he led her through the deep snow, his coat tucked around her as tightly as it could be, but he could still feel her trembling and hear the faint whimpers accompanying her every breath. At this point she was leaning most of her weight on him, barely raising her feet as she shuffled through the snow, and he was starting to consider just scooping her up in his arms and carrying her, his injury be damned. His arm instinctively tightened around her shoulders at the thought she could simply drop at any given moment, her knees buckling under her. He didn't even want to think about what might have happened to her. ---------- Spoilers for episode 8. Tne immediate aftermath of the last scene.

It had to be done. At this point, there was a physical need to get it out of me. It was bound to happen.

Did I overdose it with softness and physical affection? Probably. Do I care? Not one bit.

Now enjoy and come cry with me.

@skoulsons @nooowestayandgetcaught @kirjavasblade @pawprinterfanfic @groguandin @ellieinfected @ellie-licious @twdaryldix @justxfolio @fallenstar07 @jaredpad @memelovescaps @theantiquarianarchive @sunflower-0180 (idk why but Tumblr is being a bitch and doesn't want to tag you)

If you aren't on the tag list and want to be added, let me know!

[gg-pedro]

Joel Miller's Midwestern Road Trip Fantasy - joel miller x reader oneshot

masterlist

summary: an AU of the journey out to wyoming, wherein you and joel's car troubles take a little more elbow grease to solve than strictly necessary.

warnings: 18+ MDNI, post outbreak!joel, joel x reader, AFAB!reader, tlou hbo, protective!joel, non-established relationship, AU without ellie, unprotected piv, fingering, oral (m and f receiving), riding, end of the world sex, rough!joel, heavy on the petnames, porn with some plot, porn with some feelings

words: 2.4k

a/n: im a woman of the people! also: the alternate title became the actual title

-

With Joel kept busy under the hood of Bill’s blue chevy pickup, you spent a few hours sprawled out in the bed of the truck, the wind coming on heavier as the afternoon bore on. It made your hair splay out and then skim across your bare shoulders, ridding you of any protection from the sun as it beat down onto the hopeless open field. 

Your gaze turned hazy and unfocused in the mugginess of the early September day. The clouds in the sky looked thin and delicate, like silk threads or a broken string of pearls. You had already broken a sweat laying out here, but it was far less suffocating than sitting in the truck. Your position at this point felt unmoveable– your body was laden, even your eyelids, struggling to keep them open under the stifling sunlight.

You heard Joel slam the hood of the truck shut, which preceded a long sigh and the sound of him wiping dry hands against his jeans. He slapped the body of the vehicle on his way over to you, staring down at you with an exasperated look. 

“Think it's the heat,” he started, leaning against the blazing metal with his arms crossed over his chest. “Gonna give it some time to cool down.”

Your borrowed truck had started jolting and sputtering a few miles back, right after you had crossed the state line into Missouri. You didn’t exactly feel it was fair for Joel to be so upset by it– you were fortunate to have even made it this far without being on foot. Beggars can’t be choosers, trying to make it all the way to Wyoming on borrowed luck.

“Hope you’re right,” you said, casting your eyes over to him with a hand shielding your brow. “I’m not walking anywhere in this heat.”

He cracked a grin. “Oh, yeah? Is the sun gettin' to you, cowgirl?” He nudged your foot over to the side before hauling himself up to lay next to you in the truck bed, grabbing a hold of your waist to press your bodies together.

The warm daylight was making his eyes look like melted mahogany and the baby blue color of his t-shirt brought out the warmth in his skin. Devastatingly handsome, even with that lingering exhaustion plaguing his expression. He almost never took to your compliments, but in the moment, there were hardly words to describe the feeling pooling low inside of you.

“I’m more worried about you, Eastwood,” you teased, licking your thumb to smudge away the swipe of car grease that had found its way onto his cheek. “I think you’d keel over first.”

You were grinning up at him as he pulled you in by the hips, finally receptive to your efforts to get him out of whatever funk that a broken-down car had put him in. 

“Oh, so now you’re happy, ain’t ya? Think you’re funny? You weren’t so chatty in the car, sleepin’ all the way through Indiana. Hm? Hey, c’mere!”

You tried squirming away, but being in the sun had exhausted you and his grip was just too strong and too enticing. His hand found the space just below your sex, running deft fingers across the thick denim of your light blue jeans. He had a firm grip on your face and jaw with the other, kissing you dizzy and breathless. You moaned around the thumb that had made its way into your mouth, tangling your hand into those wind-swept curls. 

“I’m starting to think the car troubles were just a ploy,” you said, giggling as Joel shifted to hover overtop of you. “I didn’t know this had turned into Joel Miller’s midwestern roadtrip fantasy.” He hooked his thumbs into your belt loops, decidedly pinning you there.

He silenced your teasing with another saccharine kiss, and you could smell the diluted gasoline and warm grass on him. His mouth was so familiar that you feared the two of you would melt into one, breathing through the same dry, shared lungs.

“You are a fantasy, sweet thing, don’t get that twisted,” he breathed out. You did have time to kill, that was true enough– and you could already tell that Joel was going to make it an obscenely slow death.

He couldn’t have shoved down your tight jeans fast enough. Desperate hands nearly ripped your shirt as he pulled it up and off of you, carelessly pushing your bra out of the way to access the soft skin of your breasts, swollen and sensitive with arousal. His lips and the tip of his teeth grazed the tissue, kissing and nipping and biting wherever he saw fit. Soon, wet mouth and tongue trailed straight down your center, kisses placed haphazardly along your flesh. The mere sight of his bulging bicep as he propped himself up above you with both arms was enough to raise chills all over your exposed skin.

You paused him where he was to desperately fumble with the button of his own jeans and rip down the fly, sliding your hand into his pants to palm his growing erection through his boxers. He intercepted the touch, gripping your wrist tight before pinning it back down above your head.

“Don’t remember sayin’ you could touch me, pretty girl. Needy for me, ain’t ya? ‘M not done with all of you just yet.”

In an instant his head was between your thighs, licking along the depths of your puffy, glossy folds. A calloused hand gripped your thigh, forcing your legs obscenely far apart– exposed. There was nobody else out here, in the back countries of a state that barely existed anymore. You didn’t even care that the warm breeze would have carried your pleading and moaning a mile out, not while his tongue swirled and kissed against the expanse of your cunt. His mouth and tongue devoured you, devoured you like he was starving for it. A shrill beg fell from your lips as he started fucking your slicked hole with three hot, pulsing fingers, desperate for him to either end this here or fuck you faster. 

“That’s it, right there, isn’t it?” He said, hunger and aching seeping unabashedly into his voice.

When your walls started closing in around his middle three fingers, suctioning him in even deeper, he finally pulled out of you, leaving you with tears in your eyes and a deep pulse beat inside of you.

“No, no, please don’t stop–”

He licked his fingers clean before pressing his thumb to your lips as he grabbed your face, stopping all of your ramblings for the moment. “Hush, honey. You’re gonna ride me now, and you can fuck yourself as much as you want. Y’want that, doll face? C’mon, I need you,” he said, a stern fondness about his tone.

You complied in strict obedience, letting him rest on his back while you finally peeled yourself up from the hot molded plastic. You finally resumed your work of getting his length free from his boxers, pulling his jeans down to his mid thigh. 

You couldn’t wait to slip the thick head of his cock into your wanting mouth, hardly able to handle the sight of his pleasured expression, that pinch in his brow smoothing away. He always made you feel like your own mouth could be medicine. Your head bobbed down his length, running your tongue along thick, pulsing veins. Saliva filled your mouth and you let it come, using your free hand to slide up and down his base while you focused your attention on the more sensitive cockhead. You looked at him through heavy-lidded eyes, grazing his tip against the ribbed roof of your mouth.

“Oh honey, oh honey– not too far, wanna come inside of you. Listen to me now, I know you like feeling all filled up, too,” he said quickly, barely able to get the words out as an involuntary groan clawed its way out of his throat. 

You did listen to him, because you were Joel’s– not because he ever told you that, but because you knew you were his last good thing in this life, his last sweet thing, and you would’ve done anything for those praises to fill your ears and blind all else. 

You lined yourself up with the reddened tip of his cock and sank down on it, your own head lolling back as your walls contracted and spasmed around him. You moved yourself up and down his length slowly, dizzyingly, for your own selfish reasons– you liked having the control to ensure that you could use his cock to satisfy every hopelessly sensitive spot inside of you.

“More, babygirl, more– fuck, fuck, yeah, keep doin’ that– just like that, jesus christ–”

Your pace quickened as you became increasingly desperate to finish on top of him. His cock filled you to the brim, stretching you out and gagging your channel enough to keep continuously shoving your own wetness back up inside of you– stuffing you, suffocating you. The sheer size of him ensured that you hardly even had to move for it to blind you with pleasure, but for his sake, you followed his instructions. 

“My sweet, perfect little thing– oh, holy hell, baby, I can’t– can’t–”

You kept pleading out his name: Joel, Joel, Joel. You said it until you couldn’t even remember how to say it, spell it, form the words with your tongue and mouth. Your orgasm built up frustratingly fast, hitting you in a long moment of nearly unbearable bliss and sweetness. The feeling started so low, nearly where Joel’s cock was hitting inside of you, and climbed its way up until you were lightheaded. Your walls clenched rapidly around his stiff cock, with him blessing your name enough that it would surely memorialize you in sainthood. You were so achy and sensitive by the time you had rode it out fully that you whined and squirmed as he implored you to go on– help him to get there, too. 

He came just as hard and fast as you, gripping at your hips hard enough to leave marks as he guided your movements through it for himself. You could feel the hotness of his cum unloading inside of you, straight to your center, like this was exactly what you were made for. It left him breathless, and you pressed yourself close to his chest to kiss him more as he calmed down. You didn’t want to pull out of him– you wanted to savor that warmth, the sticky clickiness of his liquid filling you up to the point that it was spilling out of you. In the end, it really did feel like the two of you had fused into one. 

He finally helped you to drag yourself up off of him, and you immediately sank back against his truck bed, your head like dead weight against his shoulder. The outside heat left the both of you covered in a sheer layer of sweat, but neither one made any moves to get up and clean yourselves off.

You just let him tuck you in close, close enough to hear his heartbeat go from rapid to steady and sure. It was almost a rarity to hear it so calm, to know that he felt safe for once, content and warm. After a long few moments of basking in the quiet nature and fleeting sun, you propped yourself up on an elbow to stare down at his face.

His lips had the ghost of a smile on them, and he brought his expansive hand to tuck your hair behind your ears and cup your face. 

“Ain’t complaining about the heat now, are you, sweet thing?”

You swatted him on the arm, giving a playful roll of your eyes as you leaned down to kiss him once, twice more.

“I just think we should make a few more of these pit stops before we hit Wyoming,” you drawled, leaning into the touch. “If you can squeeze it into our oh-so-tight schedule, of course.”

“Keep runnin’ your mouth so much and I just might have to.” He struggled to cast a glare at you.

“Mmh, and I bet you’d just hate that, wouldn’t you?”

That got you a rare, genuine laugh from him. “Oh, you know I would.”

-

You stayed a few hours more before Joel tried his luck at starting up the truck again. Much to his delight, the ‘old hunk of metal’ (his words, not yours) sputtered and coughed back to life. He called you his good luck charm, and soon enough the two of you had to get back on the road.

He kept a firm hand on your thigh as he drove, and he didn’t protest when you finally dozed off closer to sunset. He waited until you were asleep to let himself think about the difficulty of the tasks that were ahead of you two. He often felt like protecting you was all that kept him going after all this time, and it hurt like a deep, aching wound to think of the times that he had missed that mark. 

You, though. He could still picture your face in the sun without feeling the barrel of a gun pressed to his temple. You were the last thing in this world that he really felt a responsibility for, his last good thing. The last thing for him to lose, too, but he wasn’t willing to let that mistake happen twice. He had this resolve that he wasn’t allowing anything to happen to you while he was still around. Maybe the way he felt about you was selfish, but the last 20 years would do that to a person.

For now, though, he could try and make it worth it. Drive until the exhaustion forced him to pull over, go on for as many days as it took to finally get you somewhere you could be safe. Be happy, get that life that shouldn’t have ever had to be just a fantasy to you. 

You stirred after a particularly bothersome bump in the road, tired eyes searching for reassurance in Joel’s face. 

“We’re okay, darlin’. Go back to sleep,” he whispered. He ran his thumb across the familiar denim that covered your leg. This is what he could live for. He’d do almost all of it again to get to you. 

But for now, the least he could do was let you rest.

-