#Jett stopped by with an excellent question

[nerdieforpedro]

Question Time: Which Pedro Boy is a nervous flyer when going on vacation?

Love you! 🖤

Oh no! I’m going to have bribe Pero with enough drinks to fill that golden chalice he was drinking out of bring Dieter back. 😭 @tinytinymenace can you ask Pero for me as well?

As for which Pedro boy is nervous, I actually think it would be Ezra. The pods have a bit more room to move around in. Airplanes do not and there’s so many people. He’s also not in direct control of the flight or at the very least in the copilot’s seat. This would have him anxious despite him reciting full acts of Shakespeare at you to try and calm you down.

But don’t fret Birdie, just hold your Ezra’s hand and assure him that it will be just fine and you’ll be sipping a mai tai and getting some sun in a few hours.

[maylovexhs]

everytime - MOTIVE(Chp. 39)

Author’s Note: All I got to say is Harry’s Jingle Ball jumpsuit got me feeling some way. And by some way, I mean he could get it. Have fun reading this one ;) -May

Catch up on everytime here

September 16th, 2015.

“Yes, Ali. I’m leaving now” I said into my phone.

I grabbed my heels from the closet. I sat down on my bed. I put my phone on speaker as I put on my heels.

“Okay because I want you to come before Naeem arrives” Ali said.

I got up from bed and grabbed my phone.

“And what if he does before I do?” I asked her.

“Well, you already promised you would” Ali said.

“And what if I don’t make it?” I asked, teasing her.

I heard Ali sigh.

“Oh, relax” I told her. “Of course, I’ll make it in time”

“Good” Ali said. “Because if you don’t-“

“You’ll block me on everything and never dare to speak to me again” I said, exiting my room.

“Yup” Ali said.

The doorbell rang as I began to walk down the stairs.

“Who’s that?” Ali asked me.

“Don’t know” I said. “Probably just a package”

“Okay . . . I’m nervous” Ali said. “I actually like Naeem and I don’t want you and Izzy to think he’s bad”

“Why would we think that?” I asked her, finally making it down the stairs. “You’re 25. It’s not like you need my permission”

I heard a knock on the door.

“Besides, it’s not like Naeem is Harry” I said, walking over to the door. “He can’t possibly be that bad-“

I stopped talking once I saw who was outside my door. It was Harry.

Speaking of the devil, what the hell was he doing here? The last I spoke to him was two months ago - when he rejected me for that supermodel girl.

“Umm, I’ll call you back” I said to Ali.

I hung up on Ali. I opened the door.

“Harry,” I said, not sounding excited at all. “What are you doing here?”

Harry had his hands behind his back. He revealed the flowers in his hands to me.

“Flowers?” I asked, confused.

“For you” Harry smiled at me.

“Why?” I said, hesitant to take his flowers.

“I hoped we could talk” Harry said.

I squinted my eyes at him.

If he really expected to be friends again after abandoning for another girl, he thought wrong. How could he have done that to me? Didn’t my friendship with him mean more than one girl? Didn’t I mean more to him?

“Thanks for the flowers but I can’t” I said. “Ali is waiting for me and I really have to go”

I turned around, going back into my home to set the flowers on a table. Harry followed me inside.

“Oh,” Harry said. “Then, maybe later tonight?”

I turned around to Harry.

“We could go out for dinner” Harry said. “At that Chinese place you like”

I bit my lip.

How could I make this more clear? How could Harry think everything was fine again?

“Harry, I can’t” I told him. “We can’t. We’re not friends anymore.”

I walked away from him, going to my coat closet my the door. My favorite handbag hanged on one of the hangers. I took it.

“Now, if you can leave” I told Harry. “Please”

Harry walked over to the door but didn’t leave. He turned around to me.

“I wish I could have told you at dinner but . . . I don’t want to be just ‘friends’ with you” Harry said.

“What?” I asked, confused.

Was he asking to-

“I want to give us a chance” Harry said. “I know it was wrong to leave you for her. I realized that. . . Whenever I was with her, all I thought about was you. I broke up with her when I realized. I tried calling you but you didn’t answer”

“Because I had to right to” I said, crossing my arms at him. “How do I know I can trust you now?”

“I guess you have to try” Harry said.

“Oh my god” I heard Ali say. “You have to try this”

December 7th, 2019. 11 AM.

I blinked a few times, snapping out of my head and back into reality. I looked to Ali.

“What?” I asked her.

“These chocolates” Ali said, chewing. “The hotel has excellent taste. You should try”

“I’m sure they’re great” I said. “But I’ll pass”

I got up from the bed. I went over to my luggage and opened it. I found my bottle of Xanax. I opened it and poured one pill into my hand.

“Really?” Ali asked me. “You’re that stressed about Harry?”

I broke the pill into two.

“A little” I said.

I put one half of the pill back into the bottle and closed it. I threw the other half in my mouth and swallowed it.

“Okay, I get it” Ali began to say. “You feel guilty. You think it’s wrong to give Harry a chance. . . but Ashton gave you his permission. He told you he would be happy if you choose Harry”

“Still doesn’t mean I should” I said.

I let out a sigh.

I shouldn’t be giving Harry a chance. After everything he had done to me, he didn’t deserve it. I questioned if he deserved my friendship even. I thought it was impossible Harry would ever think of me in that way, at least again. We both knew how the first time ended. I thought he would not dare to risk my friendship again over feelings. I thought he wouldn’t and now he did. Now, I had to think of him like that again - especially when I swore I would never again.

“I can’t believe myself” I said. “I don’t know why I’m even giving Harry a chance. I’m supposed to be with Ashton. Ashton, my boyfriend who has never made me doubt him. He’s more-“

“More better than Harry?” Ali asked me.

“Yes!” I said, frustrated. “I shouldn’t have told Ashton and just forget and cut off Harry”

“But you didn’t” Ali pointed out.

I looked to her.

“I thought you were on Ashton’s side” I said.

“Oh, I am” Ali said, sitting up in bed. “And if you are going to choose Ashton, I want you to choose him for the right reasons. . . It’s not right to be with him if you keep thinking of Harry”

“You think I don’t know that?” I asked her.

“I know you do” Ali said. “But as your friend, I have to make sure you’re really sure”

I crossed my arms.

Ali had to know what I was going through. She knew the struggle of having to choose someone when she could do better. She knew what to do because she was in the same place with her boyfriend.  

“What made you get back with Talha?” I asked Ali. “You said you would never get back with him after you guys broke up”

Ali looked down, sighing.

“Well, that was a long time ago” Ali smiled. “We changed.”

“But you broke up because you weren’t right for each other” I told her. “What changed your mind about him? What made him right for you now?”

Ali looked to the side of the bed. She looked to me.

“I can’t really explain it” Ali said. “When I met him again, something just changed. I still liked him. I always have a bit but I never realized it until I saw him again. He made me feel happy in a way no one else has. It felt right to be with him”

“That was enough?” I asked her. “Enough for you to take him back?”

“Yeah. . .” Ali said. “You don’t think Harry is enough?”

I walked over to the bed, sitting down.

“I’ve always felt something for Harry” I admitted. “But I never let that get in the way. I always thought I can do better or Harry would never see me more than a friend. But again, no one I have ever been with made me feel that way except for Harry. . . Not yet, anyways.”

Ali smirked at me.

“Something?” Ali asked me. “What do you mean by something?”

Ali looked as she already knew what that was.

“I don’t know” I said. “But I always felt like I can’t lose him. We always found a way back to each other one way or another”

“So?” Ali asked me. “Do you feel like you can’t lose Ashton? Would you lose Ashton if you could be with Harry?”

I looked down, unsure.

I didn’t know where to think. I couldn’t even think because Adrian was knocking at the door the second after Ali asked me.

“Y/N! Ali!” Adrian called us. “We got to leave!”

I got up from bed, walking over to the door. I opened it.

“Where do you want to go to lunch?” Adrian asked me. “Rosé and I want to get Greek food but Camila wants burgers-“

“Burgers?” Ali asked, excited as she got up from the bed. “I’m up for burgers”

Adrian looked to me.

“What’s your pick, tie-breaker?” He asked me.

I looked to Ali. Honestly, I was too exhausted to even choose between foods. I’ll let Ali pick for me.

I looked back to Adrian.

“Burgers” I said. “I’m low in iron anyways”

Adrian frowned at me.

“Great, great, great” Adrian said miserably as he walked away.

I looked to Ali.

“Let me guess . . . you don’t want a burger?” Ali asked me.

“Nope” I said.

“Don’t worry” Ali said, walking to the bed. “I’ll choose for you. That’s one less thing for you to think about”

I closed the door.

One less thing to worry about. The only thing I could worry about.

6 PM.

Again, I had no idea how Ali could eat so much. She had two burgers, fries and a milkshake. I couldn’t even eat my burger. I got nauseous halfway eating it. I easily get nauseous just from being nervous. I was even a little nauseous being in the same building as Harry.

“No to the biker hat” Adrian said. “It’s a little too much”

“Got to agree with Adrian” Camila said. “The collar is a bit tacky for me too”

“Aww,” I said, looking at myself in the mirror. “I like both of them”

“It’s either the collar or hat” Adrian said.

“Fine” I said.

I took my black paperboy hat off.

“Better?” I asked them.

“Yes” Camil said. “Would be better if you took the collar off”

“Camila, we already agreed on the Joan Jett look” Adrian said.

“Did Joan Jett actually wear collars?” Camila asked. “I find it a little dehumanizing”

“Okay, Camila!” Adrian said. “You hate collars. You don’t have a collar kink!”

Ali and I looked to each other. She laughed. I smiled, trying to not laugh. I failed, giving in as I saw Rosé laugh. Camila rolled her eyes.

“Fine” Camila said. “But I know I’m not the only one who doesn’t like collars”

“Oh, I know you’re not” Adrian said. “Did you tell Richard about your no-collar rule?”

“I’m not going to talk about my sex life with you” Camila said.

I got up from my chair.

“Oh like I would love to hear how Richard scream your name” Adrian said.

I shook my head.

“Adrian, come on” I said. “Let’s take a walk backstage”

I looked to Ali.

“You too, Ali” I told her.

Adrian and Ali got up from their seat.

“That’s what she gets when she insults one of my looks” Adrian said.

“I know, I know” I said, leading him out of the room.

Adrian, Ali and I walked out of the dressing room.

“It’s just a collar” Ali said.

“Exactly!” Adrian said. “She doesn’t have taste sometimes”

We began to walk down the hall. I walked behind Ali and Adrian, worried I would bump into Harry. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see Harry. I did want to. I actually want to talk to him about us. Hopefully, alone and away from everyone backstage but I wasn’t quite prepared to talk to him. I talked to him plenty of times before but this time . . . this time was different.

This time he was expecting something of me. He was waiting for me to give him an answer, which I clearly didn’t have yet. How the hell was I supposed to choose between one of my best friends and my boyfriend? I just couldn’t. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to either of them. Harry was practically a part of me. I’ve known him forever that I couldn’t imagine a life without him. Even if I could, he would just pop back into my life again like he always has. On the other hand, Ashton was my boyfriend and possibly could be the one for me. He’s been so kind and better than Harry has ever been to me. I couldn’t just leave him for Harry. I wasn’t that person . . . but what if I did? What if I did choose Harry? What if I did and things don’t go well? What am I supposed to do then? I couldn’t just go back to Ashton.

But what if I choose Harry and things do go well? I know Harry and I were together for a little in the past but that wasn’t really dating. A month couldn’t be. Harry only wanted to date me out of guilt. It wasn’t out of love. If Harry really means it this time, being with him should be different. I couldn’t base our future on something that happened five years ago. We were two completely people back then. I always knew I had something special with Harry but was that enough for a relationship? Was Harry enough for me? Was I enough for him?

“Oh my god” Adrian said as he stopped walking.

“What?” I asked him.

Ali and I stopped walking as well. I looked down the hall.

Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me.

Harry was standing down the hall, talking to Jeff and Helene. I wasn’t surprised at that. We were backstage. I expected that. I just didn’t expect Harry to be dressed in a blue jumpsuit that made him look much more attractive than usual. He looked hot. Hotter than he usually was. Wait, what was I saying? When did I think Harry was hot?

“I think I just felt a little rumble in my booty” Adrian said.

Adrian looked to me.

“Y/N, are you blushing?” Adrian asked me.

“What?” I asked them. “No. I just have too much blush on”

“I didn’t see Rosé put that much blush on you” Ali said.

I shot her a “not helping” look. I looked down the hall, catching Harry staring at me. He smirked at me. He began to walk over to me.

That . . . asshole. He had to wear that jumpsuit tonight of all nights. He wanted to make me jealous. He wanted me to see what I was missing. He wanted revenge on me. He had to of he was wearing that.

“Hey” Harry said to me.

“Hi” I said, faking a smile at him. “You look. . . great. Showing off the butterfly, I see”

Yes, the butterfly on his stomach. The butterfly I was pretty sure was in my stomach now.

“I am” Harry smirked. “You look good too. I like the collar”

“Thank you!” Adrian said, cutting me off before I could speak. “Someone who actually gets it. Is Lambert here?”

“Yeah” Harry said. “Somewhere backstage. He left a minute ago”

“See you after you get off” Adrian told me.

I nodded as Adrian left us. God, Ali better not leave me or else-

“He’s angry over the collar” Ali said. “Camila and him got into a fight about it”

“Really?” Harry asked her. “Over a collar?”

“Camila thinks it’s a bit tacky” I said.

“Oh, but you make anything look good” Harry said to me.

“Sure you’re not talking about yourself?” I asked him.

“Pretty sure I’m not” Harry said.

Harry smirked at me, staring into my eyes.

Have his eyes always been so green? Or was it the lights making them more hypnotizing?

I shook my head.

Okay, I needed to leave. The more I stood here, the more weird I started to act.

“Umm, when do you go on?” I asked Harry.

“In twenty minutes” Harry said.

Oh, great. I was stuck with him for the next twenty minutes. Can this get worse?

“You’re last, right?” Harry asked me.

“As usual” I said. “Ali and I were walking to pass the time-“

“Harry! Y/N!” I heard someone say behind me.

I turned around to see Rita walking towards us. Rita - as in Rita Ora who used to be our close friend a few years ago. We naturally drifted apart because of our busy careers. A part of me was happy I was not friends with her now. Time made me realize she really wasn’t the friend I was looking for. Harry was in a similar boat as I am with Rita.

“Rita” Harry said, greeting her with a hug.

“Aww, H!” Rita said as she hugged him. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been alright” Harry said, letting her go. “A few nip slips here and there but I’m good” Harry joked with her.

“I see” Rita said, playing along. “Your jumpsuit isn’t going to help with that tonight”

Rita laughed, lightly hitting his arm. Rita looked to me.

“Y/N,” Rita said to me. “You haven’t aged one day. Did you get skinner?”

“Actually, no” I said. “Gained ten pounds. Doctor’s orders”

“Ah, still skinner than me” Rita said, hugging me. “Finally, it’s the whole gang together in one place! Well, minus Nick”

Umm, could she let me go?

“Yeah . . .” I said. “It’s sad I have to leave now though”

Rita let go of me.

“Now?” Rita asked me. “Aren’t you always closing the show?”

“I am” I said, faking a smile at her. “But I was just leaving with my friend to see Ava Max on”

Rita looked to Ali.

“And who is your friend?” Rita asked us.

“Ali” Ali said, introducing herself.

“Ah, I remember Y/N talking about you” Rita said. “Never imagined you to be so pretty”

Ali smiled. Rita looked to Harry.

“Are you going with them?” Rita asked him.

Please say no.

“Oh, I can’t” Harry said. “Got to get mic checked now”

Thank god.

“Well, this is bullocks” Rita said. “I wanted to spend time with one of you before you go on”

Rita gasped.

“How about after the show?” Rita asked us. “We can get drinks. Ali could come too”

“Uhh, sure” Harry said. “I’m free, are you?”

Harry looked to me. I looked to Ali and then back to Rita.

“Sure!” I said, faking my excitement. “We don’t have nothing after this”

“Great!” Rita said, looking to Harry. I’ll be outside your room when I’m done”

Harry nodded.

“Well, I’ve got to get dressed” Rita said. “Good luck out there”

“See you soon” I said to Rita.

Harry waved goodbye to Rita as she left us. Harry looked to me.

“See you for drinks, then?” Harry asked me.

“That’s the plan” I said.

I began to walk away from Harry but I stopped when I heard Harry call me.

“Y/N?” Harry said.

I looked to him.

“What?” I asked him.

Harry smirked at me.

“You look really good” He said.

I slowly smiled at him. I nodded before turning and walking away. Ali followed me.

“Well, at least he’ll stop flirting with Rita around” Ali said.

“Oh, he still will” I said. “He’s trying to win me over.”

“And?” Ali asked me. “Is he?”

Maybe . . .

[distant-rose]

Hey so, care to share any of the mood boards and /or playlists that I'm 99% sure you have your your next gen marvel universe?

Okay, I know you sent this like yesterday morning, but you’re asking for me to share a piece of a universe that @justanotherwannabeclassic​ and I have been developing since…July? Which is insane but I made my first post about our Earth-6828 universe on the 26th July 2019. We have an estimated ninety-three characters for this universe that categorized as a next generation or involved in the next generation narrative. Ninety-three characters. Nine. Three. It’s insane. WE’RE INSANE. We created an entire universe over the course of a half year.

Anyway, with that many characters, I don’t think it’s possible to share everything on the internet involving them. So, I’m gonna focus on the OG team - the Daughters of Liberty. They’re the catalyst for Earth-6828 universe and they’re eleven women from different backgrounds and skill sets. We deliberately made a all-female team that’s diverse and we really have fun playing with them. So I’ll share some mood boards and playlists that I made for them.

NOTE: Please note that when I make playlists, I’m a weirdo with very specific rules. I make playlists made of songs sung by the genre of music I think the character would listen to, in the gender they identify with and I only do one song per artist. So, a character like Bekka who likes old school country and jazz, she’s a big fan of Duke Ellington and Miles Davis and Wendy Nguyen who is folksy really likes the Lumineers and the Mountain Goats but neither of those artists are featured on those lists because both characters are female and I like to think of the songs as being from their perspective. It’s really weird but I feel the need to make the disclosure.

I’m gonna put this under the cut because this is gonna be LOOOOONG. Also, if you’re interested in other characters and nuances of the universe, you’re also welcome to hit up not just me but also Shea because she’s done some amazing work too.

Valeria “Val” Richards

Val Richards is an Earth-616 canon character and the daughter of Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic) and Susan Storm (Invisible Woman). She’s the smartest woman in the world and holds more degrees than she knows what to do with. She’s constantly working on a new degree and really hates the amount of condescension she gets sometimes from people who don’t believe how smart she is and underestimate her. It’s half the reason she’s involved with the team - she wanted to show that she and the women she works with shouldn’t be underestimated. She’s the team coordinator and is the most tech savvy. She’s known for drinking her weight in coffee, listening to Led Zeppelin on full blast and always having her hands in one project or another. She has a habit of never going to bed because she’s constantly involving herself in a project and because she’s constantly blasting music, her hearing isn’t always the best. She constantly has people repeat things since she often can’t hear them. Though she’s not involved with the family business, she’s got a great relationship with her parents and especially her brother, Franklin, who is without a doubt her hero. She’s a part of the LONGEST slowburn I’ve ever written and it took SIX YEARS for her and the team empath Wendy to get together. 

Val’s Playlist: Classic and Hard Rock, this is the type of music that Val generally listens to when she’s in the lab. It features Lita Ford, Pat Benator, Joan Jett and The Pretty Reckless. I think shows a lot of her attitude and some of her anger.

Eleanor “El” Rogers

El Rogers is an Earth-85826 canon character and the daughter of Steve Rogers (Captain America) and Sharon Carter (Agent 13). She is a professionally trained spy and is a specialist in various forms of combat. Though she offered the mantle of Captain America to Dani Cage, she is very proud of her father’s legacy and sometimes nags Dani on how she should handle things, which sometimes leads to some contention between the two. Prior to the starting the Daughters of Liberty with Val Richards, she was a SHIELD agent and often known as “Espionage Barbie.” Growing up in the spotlight, she’s a gifted and knowledgeable public relations specialist and has more than a few headaches trying to manage this team and the array of personalities she deals with. Despite her PR skills, she’s naturally more introverted and prefers to spend her time with her close friends and working on her art. Though she’s more like her mother, she did inherit Steve’s sense of justice and morals while also keeping questionable company seeing that she often finds herself in some morally grey company, namely a couple of rebellious Southern mutants and three SHIELD trained professional killers. Most people often see El as perfect but she is riddled with anxiety and constantly beats herself up for not living up to people’s expectations. Before her father’s death, she was seen as very upbeat and friendly, but has been much more subdued and even more argumentative. She’s incredibly stubborn, which often gets her into epic fights with Dani and Meredith, as well as the leaders of the Avengers (Sonny Stark) and X-Men (Olivier LeBeau).

El’s Playlist: El is very much a pop music kinda girl, but her playlist comes with a bit of a twist of her anxieties, depression and desires to live up to that expectations that have been put on her. It features Taylor Swift, Elle King, Demi Lovato and Ruelle.

Danielle “Dani” Cage

Dani Cage is an Earth-616 canon character and the daughter of Luke Cage (Power Man) and Jessica Jones (Jewel). She’s the current Captain America and it’s a job she’s very ambivalent about because as much as she is honored by being bestowed the title, it comes with a lot of pressure and criticism which Dani is not great with. Due to her super strength and invulnerability, she rarely uses the iconic Captain America shield which is one of the many things she gets criticized for by El. Like her parents, Dani is tough as nails, a little rough around the edges and swears like it was its her job. Despite her short fuse, Dani has the biggest heart of them all and tends to come from a place of compassion rather than a place of judgment. This doesn’t stop her from being one of the sassiest members of the Daughters of Liberty however. When she’s not shouldering her duties as Captain America, Dani is working out her frustrations in the gym through boxing and acting as a volunteer for the Harlem Boys and Girls’ Club. Dani is a creature of habit. She goes to the same gym that she’s gone to since she was a little girl despite having a gym in HQ, she eats the same thing for breakfast and orders the same thing whenever she goes out for dinner. Her teammates often make fun of her because of this habit, but with all the stress in her life, she clings to these habits as a source of comfort and normalcy. Dani is best friends and incredibly close to Lucy Rand, who is about 85% of her impulse control. Sometimes the only thing keeping Dani from punching out her teammates and the occasional reporter is Lucy.

Dani’s Playlist: Her playlist is the perfect workout playlist because it’s intense and high energy R&B, Hip-Hop and Rap songs. It’s an ode to black excellence and being unapologetically awesome. It features Beyonce, Cardi B, Lizzo and Salt-N-Pepa.

Lucy Rand

Lucy Rand is an Earth-21722 canon character and the daughter of Danny Rand (Iron Fist) and Misty Knight. She’s a highly skilled martial artist and gifted detective. While Val might be the most intelligent person in the world, Lucy is skilled at picking up social and culture nuances quickly and reading people despite not having empathy and psychic abilities. Despite having great tragedy in her life and losing her parents at a young age, she’s a very positive person who tends to do her best to make any difficult situation manageable. Lucy’s anger rarely comes out but when it does, it usually is when people disregard the sacrifice her parents made. Though privately, she’s very upset with them for not being there for the major events in her life and though Luke Cage and Jessica Jones had a big hand in raising her, they are not her parents. She has a permanent job at handling Dani’s short fuse but she wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Like Dani, Lucy is very involved the community, but she has a lot of other outlets including knitting hats and managing the Instagram of her favorite little gremlin - her hairless cat Dobby. Lucy is the type of person who tends to put the focus on everyone but herself, something that the team does their best to curb. Very rarely is Lucy in any photos, mainly because she’s normally the one taking them. While she’s not field commander like Dani and El, she’s certainly the team negotiator when it comes to arguments. Needless to say with the amount of big personalities on the team, there is a fair share of fights she needs to break up and while Dani might be her best friend, Lucy’s most trusted companion is her jumbo sized bottle of migraine reliever pills. 

Lucy’s Playlist: Like Dani’s playlist, Lucy’s playlist features a lot of black excellence, but completely genre. Like Lucy herself, it’s a playlist with a lot of Soul and with a focus on fluidity rather than high energy. It features Aretha Franklin, Nina Simone, Whitney Houston and Ari Lennox.

Rebecca “Bekka” LeBeau

Bekka LeBeau is an Earth-41001 canon character and the daughter of Remy LeBeau (Gambit) and Anna-Marie LeBeau (Rogue). She inherited her father’s kinetic manipulation and her mother’s enhanced durability and flight. A complete Daddy’s Girl, she’s an incredibly gifted thief and has a penchant for using her abilities to blow shit up. However, instead of using playing cards, Bekka’s weapon of choice is…random objects from the dollar store? Don’t be surprised to see this chick throws weaponized plastic army men or marbles at your face. Despite her charisma, revolving door of men and natural extroversion, Bekka rarely opens up to people nor does she let people get close to her. This is a result of a very traumatic event in her childhood that completely changed both of her and older brother’s lives and caused her mutation to develop early at the age of eight. Due to this, she often suffers from nightmares and can be seen putting her absurdly gifted baking skills to work in the middle of the night. She’s the unofficial chef of the team and has introduced the team to a lot of Cajun cuisine. She’s a proud New Orleans girl and prepared to stomp your Southern stereotypes out of you. A running gag with Bekka is that despite being a very observant person, she is a penchant for refusing to see what’s right in front of her if she doesn’t want to see it such as her brother and best friend hooking up or that a certain ginger SHIELD agent is madly in love with her.

Bekka’s Playlist: Like Bekka herself, her playlist is a mixture of old school, new old and a little bit of subtle darkness. It has a mixture of Old School jazz, Classic Country and Southern Rock. It features Billie Holiday, Delta Rae, Dolly Parton and Gin Wigmore.

May “Mayday” Parker

Mayday Parker is an Earth-982 canon character and the daughter of Peter Parker (Spider-Man) and Mary Jane Watson. She inherited Peter’s enhanced physiology and wall-crawling abilities. While Mayday has her father’s intelligence, smart mouth and penchant for science, she’s more of an athlete than a nerd. She’s an avid lover of basketball and even played two years of Division Three basketball at Empire State University. She is a very frustrated New York Knicks and New York Mets fan and is often antagonized by Dani Cage, who has a tendency to be a very obnoxious Yankees fan. Though Mayday has a spot on the Daughters of Liberty team and often works outside the team as a research chemist, she has struggled with her identity since she stopped playing basketball. While she is currently Spider-Girl, she always views it more as her continuing her father’s work rather it being her own thing. Despite being incredibly bright and formidable fighter, Mayday also struggles with a lack of confidence and anxiety. She is often makes sarcastic jokes and often at her own expense. Mayday is loyal friend and often agonizes over the fact her superhero duties sometimes make her break her promises to her friends and family. However, she’s found a good support system in her girlfriend Nancy Lu, a telekinetic member of the X-Men and in her mentor, Val Richards. Though she is seven years older, Mayday often mothers her younger sister Annie, whom she sees as reckless and impulsive.

Mayday’s Playlist: This playlist is a mixture of Alternative and Rock music. It has a lot of songs that deal with self-esteem and discovering who are you is enough. It features Paramore, Avril Lavigne, Halsey and P!nk.

Anne “Annie” Parker 

Annie Parker is Earth-18119 canon character and the daughter of Peter Parker (Spider-Man) and Mary Jane Watson. Like her sister, she inherited her father’s enhanced physiology and wall-crawling abilities but that’s where their similarities end. Like her mother, Annie is an incredibly outgoing personality. With her love for pink, glitter and partying, most people look at Annie and think of her nothing more than an empty-headed party girl who does stupid shit and has nothing to add to the conversation. Wrong! Annie has one of the world’s highest IQs and is usually the smartest person in the room. She’s gifted in both sciences and mathematics. At the start of the story, she’s a student at Empire State University and is pursuing two degrees in Mathematics and Physics. She’s got an endemic memory which helps her manage her schoolwork, hero work and social life. Annie wasn’t initially invited to be a part of the team, but Mayday convinced Val and El to bring her on in hopes of curbing Annie’s partying. She’s a bit of hedonist and often does things to an excess. Since she was a child, Annie has been known for her bubbly attitude and infectiously positive attitude. This was developed at a young age as she rarely saw her older sister happy (not understanding that her sister suffered from depression and anxiety) and she made it her personal mission to make Mayday smile. Annie is a fearless girl with a big heart who doesn’t often think before putting herself in harm’s way, which unknowing stresses out her older sister more.

Annie’s Playlist: This playlist features a lot of Pop, Hip-Hop and Dance music. It’s high energy, upbeat and makes you just want to have a good time. Honestly, a good chunk of these songs have featured on RuPaul’s Drag Race as Lip Sync for your life songs. (Annie is a massive RuPaul fan). It features Arianna Grande, Britney Spears, Rihanna and Tove Lo.

Meredith “Mere” Pryde

Meredith Pryde is an Earth-41001 canon character and the daughter of Piotr Rasputin (Colossus) and Kitty Pryde (Shadow Cat). She inherited her mother’s phasing power, tech skills and ability to make epic callouts. She inherited almost nothing from her father, whom she doesn’t really remember since he died when she was young. She was raised mainly by her mother and her aunt Illyana Rasputin. Meredith joined the Daughters of Liberty so she didn’t have to deal with her brother Cameron second-guessing all of her choices and telling her to calm down. When Meredith sees injustice, she does her best to correct the situation and she doesn’t care who she has to call out. When she’s not doing work for the Daughters of Liberty, Meredith is active activist who is involved in various projects but especially on mutants’ rights. She attends and supports every march she can and her instagram is full of all her favorite protest and march signs that she sees. Aside from being involved in activism, Meredith’s second favorite activity is trolling her teammates, especially those who tend to be nonplussed about things. She’s notorious for her pranks and for playfully flirting with her teammates’ siblings to make them uncomfortable, namely Bekka. While she’s a notorious flirt, she has no interest in relationships and will punch you in the face if you ask her if she has a boyfriend or girlfriend. Though she is involved with the Daughters of Liberty and various movements, Meredith often suffers from loneliness because she doesn’t have a lot of time for herself and fostering her friendships. She’s every girl’s friend, but no one’s best friend. 

Meredith’s Playlist: This playlist highlights Meredith’s confidence and unapologetic nature. She is who she is, and you can take it or leave it. It’s an eclectic list which has mixture of Pop Rock, Pop, Alternative and R&B music. It features Superchick, Billie Eilish, Lily Allen and Icona Pop.

Wendy Nguyen

Wendy Nguyen is a character Shea and I made up, she is not related to anyone. Shocker. She’s a licensed therapist who often treats other superheroes and was actually assigned to El Rogers after the death of her father. She is an empath who is capable of sensing people’s emotions and when she touches them, she gets not only your emotions but your thoughts and even your memories. Her senses are incredibly strong and she often cannot be in the same room when someone is feeling things a bit too strongly, particularly her teammate Maya Ayala during the team’s first year together. Because she feels people’s emotions so strongly, Wendy is often confused whose emotions she is feeling - hers or someone else’s. This is one of the reasons it took her so long for her to admit her feelings for Val. Wendy is often seen as a quiet and thoughtful person who does her best to make her teammates confront their feelings for both her sake and theirs. She has an affinity for tea and has the world’s most absurd tea cabinet which is filled with tea from all over the world from her many travels. She also as an affinity for butterflies, which she views as being similar to human emotions - intense, sometimes beautiful but fleeting and fragile. Wendy often wears gloves to keep herself from accidentally touching others and taking their thoughts and memories without their permission. The ethics of her ability sometimes is a struggle for her since while they allow her to be good at job, however she feels them without control or consent from others. She rarely goes out with her friends in public areas mainly because being around so many people who are feeling a variety emotions is too much for her and causes her to have splitting headaches.

Wendy’s Playlist: Best described as folksy and acoustic. Wendy prefers most chilled out music because feeling others’ emotions can be very overwhelming. However, there’s a range of emotion here because she feels a lot. It features Of Monsters and Men, Regina Spektor, Jolie Holland and Hannah Connelly.

Yasmin “Yas” Khan

Yasmin Khan is a character Shea and I made up, she’s the niece of Kamala Khan (Miss Marvel). Like her aunt, Yasmin has Inhuman heritage alongside holding Pakistani and African heritages from her parents, Aamir and Tyesha. She was exposed to the Terrigen Mists and gained abilities similar to her father in which she can create psychic force fields, however she also has telekinesis and touch-telepathy. Yasmin is a practicing Muslim and while most of the women don’t wear hijabs nor expect her to wear one, she often feels to try and normalize Muslim practices in a society that is suspicious and often hateful towards her culture. She likes to joke that it covers up her bad hair days. Yasmin loves fashion and color, and though she is often the most modest wearing person in the room, she is definitely the most colorful and enjoys outrageous patterns. She is a big lover of pop culture and can often be seen playing Pokemon Go and watching shows on Crunchy Roll on her phone. She has a massive sweet tooth and can be seen in the kitchens watching Bekka bake in hopes of being allowed to have a bite. Though she doesn’t drink, she is best friends with Annie and often accompanies her on nights out and makes sure her friend doesn’t get into any trouble. Yasmin is one of the few people who isn’t out with her personal identity and this is mainly due to her fear of people hurting her family due to the rampant Muslim prejudice in the United States. As one of the youngest members of the team, her teammates are incredibly protective of her and have actually a designated plan ready to cheer her up if they ever see Yasmin is upset, which is called Operation: Yas Smiles. 

Yas’s Playlist: Like Meredith, Yap’s playlist is very colorful and has a diverse range of generics from R&B to Soul and Rap. It has a range of emotions since while Yas is a very cheerful person and absolute sweetheart, there’s some anger there at how she and other Muslims are treated. It features Mona Haydar, SassyBlack, Daya and Azealia Banks.

Maya Ayala

Maya Ayala is a character Shea and I made up, she’s the daughter of Hector Ayala (White Tiger) and the niece of Ava Ayala (White Tiger). Nothing happy ever happens to the Ayala family and unfortunately that saga continues with Maya, who witnessed her entire family and boyfriend being murdered in front of her during a shoot out in the Bronx. She took up the mantle of White Tiger and has been on a search to find their murderer. Before becoming the current incarnation of the White Tiger, Maya was a former competitive gymnast who was almost on the United States Olympic team and was working as a gymnastics coach. However, since the incident, she’s put all of her energy into getting revenge for her family and joined the Daughters of Liberty to honor her aunt and to use her resources to get justice. While her focus is on revenge, her greatest desire is to see her family and her boyfriend again. At the beginning, she kept herself from her teammates because she didn’t want to get attached, but after awhile, she became very close with Wendy, Val, Dani and Lucy. Maya has a secret love for telenovelas which she tries to keep quiet because she’s afraid of being seen as stereotypical. Despite this, she’s very proud Latina and gets pissed off when people write her off as “Mexican” or “foreign,” especially since her family hails from Puerto Rico and she’s just as American as anyone else. However, occasionally she does share her culture with the others, and occasionally makes arroz con gandules and pollo guisado with Bekka for the team. 

Maya’s Playlist: This is list is a mixture of Latin Pop, Alternative and R&B. It holds a mixture of Maya before the loss of her family and after. A lot of the latin pop are from gymnastic routines she would create. However, there’s also a lot of anger and sadness here, which is understandable. It features Audri Nix, Ciara, Lana Del Rey and Skylar Grey.

[starfleetdoesntfirefirst]

(Discovery Season 3 Episode 4 “Forget Me Not” Spoilers)

Greetings disco friends, here is my attempt at a fix-it fic.

What I mind most of all was them showing his graphic death scene, whether it’s partially-temporary or completely-temporary, after doing the same with Hugh and Michael’s then-death scenes. As far as the future of Gray's plotline goes (this season and into the next, since we know the actor is filming Season 4), I think there's a chance (especially given that GLAAD was helping them write the storyline) that he'll be completely brought back from the dead like Hugh and a chance that he won't be brought back fully but rather will continue to hang around noncorporeally like he's doing now. But either way, as with Hugh and Michael's graphic then-death scenes, that doesn't change the fact that they showed that in this episode.

I think I've reached the point of hard 'no’ on continuing to watch the show myself. (Though of course I completely support y’all in watching or not watching the show, as works for you!) And I’ll still be around here, writing fic based on Season 1 through to this episode.

Also, I’m currently brainstorming ways to put something affirming into the fandom this season while not watching, since I won't be writing fix-it ficlets and…obviously I know no one ~depends~ on my fix-it ficlets, but this community means a lot to me and I guess I want to feel like I'm putting something into the fandom even as I'm (aside from continuing to make content for older season stuff) walking away, if that makes sense? (Maybe some book giveaways of sci-fi books with trans characters, tho that may or may not work logistically/financially, or something like that.) Please let me know if you have suggestions! <3

Dreampt Of More Things

Other, F/F, M/M | Teen And Up | Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings | 2,600 words

ao3 link in a reblog since Tumblr still seems unpredictable about when posts with links are allowed in the tags

and/or, full fic + tags here:

Tags – Jett Reno, Jett Reno’s Wife, Michael Burnham, Hugh Culber, Ellen Landry, Philippa Georgiou (original Captain version), Adira Tal, Paul Stamets, Gray Tal, Sylvia Tilly, Tracy Pollard Adira Tal/Gray Tal, Jett Reno/Jett Reno’s Wife, Ellen Landry/Amna Patel, Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets Grief (Ellen’s) and mentions of Lorca, no serious injury since again we are sidestepping that but very brief description of Adira’s joining surgery, Gray Tal Lives, Jett Reno’s Wife Lives, Philippa Georgiou Lives

Note: This is not an Amna Patel Lives universe (Ellen Landry’s fiancée from Star Trek Online), as I am Making A Point about how no, it’s not that queer stories about loss and grief are bad or that I personally don’t want to write/read them; it’s about context, and how many characters have died over the course of your franchise, and the nature of your franchise, and what to portray versus not portray onscreen (in the context of your show), and how you’ve advertised your characters, and reading the room.

***

“Burning the midnight oil, huh?”

Jett looks up as Michael steps closer to her workbench in the corner of Engineering, raising an eyebrow, as Michael had known she would.

“Here to check my work on your outfit, Commander?” she asks, laconically, before bending her safety-goggled face back to her work.

Michael grins despite herself as she pulls out a chair opposite Jett. “I’m entirely confident in your work, Commander.”

“So you’re here to pester me because…?”

“Because I’m curious to see the work-in-progress. And, more importantly, because I ran into your wife on her way to turn in for the night, and she told me to tell you that she’s taking you out on a fantastic date when all this is over.”

“Where’s she think she’s gonna scare up a place to go out on any kind of date in the ass-middle of the 32nd century?”

Michael grins again. “I think it was a ‘looking for a way to take my wife on a fantastic date and if I cannot find one I will create one’ kind of thing.”

“Yeah, that tracks.” Michael can hear the smirk in Jett’s voice as she fiddles with the wiring on the angel suit’s chestplate.

“Don’t stay up too late, Commander,” she says as she stands. “We’re still gonna need you on shift tomorrow.”

Jett grunts in acknowledgement, and Michael smiles as she walks past the spore cube and towards her quarters for the night.

***

“How are you doing with all this, Landry?” Hugh ventures, after a few days of deliberation, when he and Ellen have a quiet moment alone together at the end of a meeting.

Ellen takes a minute before answering, dropping a PADD into her bag. “One of my security lieutenants said it seemed implausible that we’d be able to find a way to send Burnham back in time, once again, especially with the way the Burn affected ability of the time crystals on Boreth to interface with the suit even if we are granted one.”

Hugh raises an eyebrow and waits, silent.

“I told her that if she thought implausible was going to stop this crew, she must've not been paying attention to half the weird shenanigans they’ve pulled off.”

Hugh smiles wryly. “‘More things in Heaven and Earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy,’” he quotes.

Ellen gives him a look, and he holds up his hands in surrender. “Maybe I’ve been spending too much time around this ship’s surprisingly high number of Shakespeare fans.”

“And we’ve already dreamt of more things, haven’t we?” Ellen asks simply, pausing and leaning a hip against the table. “At this point, it’s just a matter of choosing philosophies.”

High raises an eyebrow again. “That's an interesting way of looking at it, Commander.”

Ellen folds her arms. “Yes, thank you, I am a font of excellent observations, at least when I’m not busy misreading dipshit captains and making the worst choices in the universe. You can stop giving me the sympathy look, by the way.”

Hugh watches her, silent.

“Yes," she tells him in a sing-song voice, "I have in fact experienced one or two emotions while helping prepare for a mission to bring someone back from the dead and knowing I can never bring my own fiancée back.” Her tone drops back to a flat command. “The only person in my, this, situation who actually deserves your sympathy is Amna, and she’s not here to receive it. You’re a busy man; you’re needed all over the place. Go do something clever and medical somewhere.”

Hugh watches her for a moment longer before he says simply, “I’m so sorry. For your loss.”

“Don’t. No.” Ellen’s voice is firm, though without rancor. “Those words are not for me. I am not a good widow. Do you understand that? Instead of honoring my fiancée in any substantive way, I went off and got manipulated by some dipshit. And what’s worse, if it hadn’t been for the manipulation and the secretly evil part, I might not have ever figured out to regret it. Do you understand that? Can you understand that? You’re a good person. Your partner is a good person. Do you know what it is to not just not be able to save her but to get even grieving wrong?”

For a long moment, Hugh considers what to say.

“I think your actions in helping Lorca were wrong,” he says. “I don’t think it’s possible to grieve wrong.”

Ellen, eyes dubious, grunts in a way that could be dismissal, acknowledgement, or something in between.

“Take care, Commander,” Hugh says quietly, heading for the door.

He is nearly in the hallway when Ellen speaks.

“This is part of hers.”

Hugh pauses, turning to face her again. “Hers--?”

“Amna. This mission would have been part of her philosophy.” Ellen’s lip twitches in what could be the shadow of an exhausted smile, voice still blunt and the expression in her eyes still characteristically direct. “Without question.”

***

When Georgiou returns from Boreth, she discovers that Adira has slipped down to the shuttle bay to meet her.

“How did it go?” they ask, hesitantly, eyes wide with some unknown emotion.

“Successful,” she tells them, as the two of them make their way out of the bay together. She pats one strap of her pack. “We now have a time crystal.” Given that Gray’s life rests on having a crystal to power the suit, it’s unsurprising that Adira has been worried.

“No, I mean—I knew you’d be able to do it,” Adira tells her, as if this is obvious, a trust and confidence in their eyes that makes Georgiou’s heart ache. “But, I just, I do talk with the rest of the crew, and they talked about how Pike was so f—messed up by whatever he had to go through to get the crystal, like it was really really…bad. And I just—” They stare at their feet as they walk, sneaking a quick glance sideways at Georgiou. Georgiou knows she probably looks like shit. “If I’d never come to this ship, you wouldn’t have done that for Gray. For us.”

Georgiou stops walking, turning to face Adira, and Adira watches her, their face pinched and anxious.

“Listen to me, Adira.”

Adira nods.

“This might not be something you fully, truly understand until you’re an adult yourself, but when kids are hurt or in danger, it’s us adults' job to protect you. That’s one of the most important parts of being a caring adult Human. Caring adult person,” she corrects herself. “Maybe the most important thing.”

Adira nods uncertainly.

“Saving Gray is the most important thing right now,” Georgiou says gently, as the two of them resume walking. “To all of us. You arriving on this ship was a very, very good thing for so many reasons, Adira. Saving him is one of them.”

“And that’s a go, Burnham!” comes Paul’s voice in Michael’s ear, and she launches herself upwards from Discovery’s stationary hull, the soft interior padding of the red angel suit once again surrounding her as she hovers in space, programming her coordinates.

“Jump commencing in thirty seconds,” she reports.

“Take good care, Commander,” Paul says, his voice gentle in her ear against the silent cushion of the vacuum around her.

“I will.”

A pause of a few seconds. “Adira says ‘good luck.’”

Michael can picture the two of them as they were when she flew out of the shuttle bay, Paul standing at his portable console in the shuttle bay's cobbled-together mission control, one arm around Adira.

“Tell them—” Michael swallows. “Tell them thank you. Tell them that I’ll—tell them that we’ll be back soon.”

“I will.”

The countdown completes, and Michael falls forward into a bright shower of instants.

***

Outside the generation ship, Michael shifts reality out of the timeline with a wave of one Jett-Reno-enhanced suit hand, glancing at the two figures inside the viewport in front of her before tractoring the asteroid off its course. After confirming its trajectory away from the ship, she punches the personal transporter on her chest, materializing inside.

Gray and Adira startle, each making as though to stand protectively in front of the other.

“I mean you no harm,” Michael says quickly. “And you’re both going to be safe. I am going to make sure of that. My name is Michael Burnham, and the next year is going to be very difficult for you, Adira,” she continues, feeling the words tumble from her lips as quickly as she can say them, “but I want you to know that when that year is over, you’re going to see Gray again. Gray,” she says, holding out the unpowered exoskeleton of a second timesuit, “I need you to put this on and come with me.”

Gray steps closer to Adira. “What? No, I—”

“Your name is Gray Tal, and your last name was Senna Tal, and when he was a child his favorite thing to do was to read books to his collection of plush tribble toys,” Michael says.

Gray’s eyes widen. “That’s—“

Michael continues, rattling off former Tal host facts as quickly as she can, before explaining, also as quickly as she can, about the asteroid they’ve just seen her deflect, and the symbiont, and the Discovery.

“Adira needs to have the symbiont,” she explains, “in order not to cause a time paradox. But the modified time crystal in my suit will allow me to shift you—” she nods at Adira—“back into the real timeline in time for the medbots to give you the symbiont. I just need to do it at exactly the right time, so that Gray doesn’t actually die, and you snap back just as the medbots are holding the symbiont.” Do medbots hold things? Hover them? Whatever; she’s getting the point across. And Gray is putting the suit on.

“Luckily, my amazing crewmates have worked out all the timing,” she continues, “so I just need to transport us back outside and then snap the timeline back to the right instant. And, yes, there will be two Tals in the galaxy when you see each other again and I’m sure that will make things very interesting. Ready to go?”

She holds out a hand, and Gray takes it. “I love you, Adira,” he says, as Michael reaches for the transporter.

“I love you too—” Adira says, and Michael and Gray reappear meters away in space. Adira is standing watching them, and standing watching them, and then with a motion of her hand Michael slams them back into the timeline and Gray puts a hand to his mouth over his suit visor as he watches the medbots complete the surgery and place a blanket over Adira, flying the newly-joined Human slowly away down the hallways and out of sight.

“You’ll see them again,” Michael whispers, “in just a minute.”

“Them?” Gray sounds puzzled.

Oh, right. Well, in just moments, there will be ample time for explanations. “Adira. You’ll see Adira, who’s going to be so very, very happy to see you. It will have been a year,” Michael adds, as she pulls up the angel suit controls, “and Adira is going to be so glad to see you again.”

They fall forward into sparking and sparkling time together, and all at once they’re dropping back into the timeline, floating easily in the vacuum in front of Discovery’s shuttle bay.

“Ready?” Michael asks.

Gray nods. “Yeah. I mean—of course I’m ready. I’m ready.”

Michael smiles, floating them into the bay as the forcefield ripples obligingly to let them enter and landing them both on the smooth floor, steadying Gray as his feet make contact.

“Gray?”

Adira is pressing their own hand to their mouth as Michael and Gray release the visors on their suits, and then they take a step toward him, staring as though they don’t quite believe he’s real.

“It’s me,” Gray says quietly, smiling nervously at them. “I’m here.”

This appears to be all the encouragement Adira needs to dash forward, wrapping their arms around him. He hugs them back, eyes closed as he buries his head against their shoulder. Adira is smiling and crying at the same time.

“I’m here,” he whispers to them again.

Michael steps away from the two of them, leaving them to it, and Sylvia hurries forward to wrap her arms around her. “Welcome back, Michael,” she says.

Michael hugs her for several long seconds before releasing her to accept a hug from Philippa and then a pat on the back from Paul as Tracy steps forward to scan her with a medical tricorder. “No adverse effects of the jump,” she reports, smiling.

Hugh is stepping over to do the same for Gray as Gray and Adira finally—though, Michael suspects, temporarily—pull apart. Paul echoes his motion, heading for Adira and rubbing their back before wrapping a supportive arm around their shoulder as Hugh reports that Gray is fine as well and the two teenagers grin exhaustedly at each other.

Michael watches the four of them for another moment, smiling, before turning to glance at the place where Ellen stands at her own console, studiously powering it down. Her eyes flick up just briefly toward the reunion in front of her before she lowers her gaze again, turning and slipping out the doors of the shuttle bay. Michael catches Tracy’s eye, and the two of them walk after her as Sylvia steps over to power her and Paul’s consoles down in turn and Philippa begins the process of packing the rest of mission control up.

***

At 20:00 hours in an undisclosed location on the starship Discovery, Jett’s wife leads her, eyes closed and complaining happily, into a room that has been decorated to a degree that resembles an explosion in a paper snowflake factory, while a few decks up on the bridge, Philippa settles into the captain’s chair for the night shift. Tilly climbs into bed, pulling out her PADD with its book on 30th century Earth, and at the table next to the viewport in Discovery’s rec room, Michael and Tracy sit beside Ellen in silence, keeping her company in her complicated grief. Hugh hums to himself while he brushes his teeth, and Paul yawns as he finishes slipping on his pajamas, stepping forward as Hugh sets his toothbrush back in its holder and wrapping his arms around him, humming deliberately off-key. He garners an eye-roll for his trouble, and two decks down, Gray and Adira sit in Discovery’s mess hall, gazing into each others’ eyes as Adira lapses into silence after explaining how Paul found them in the Jefferies tubes in orbit over Earth.

“You’ve had so many adventures all this time,” Gray says, grinning. “Adira Tal.”

Adira half laughs, shrugging one shoulder. “I guess so.” They look up at him. “I think my adventures are about to get even weirder, Gray Tal.”

Gray grins again. “You know, I didn’t think I or anyone I know was ever going to have the chance to visit the pools. What was it like?”

“Yes, I suppose you would have to ask me what it’s like, since it’s one of the memories we don’t share,” Adira comments with a mischievous grin of their own.

Gray laughs, shaking his head, and they beam at each other in shared exhaustion and confusion and joy as Adira begins their story and the Discovery floats onward through the night.

[ohnooooonedirection]

Three days after the release of his self-titled debut album, and six days after he wore a now-iconic pink suit during a Today show performance, lesbian pop-rock twin bandmates Tegan and Sara tweeted a confession about Harry Styles from their account: “I have a very real crush on @Harry_Styles. Loving the new album and the high waisted wide leg pants.” Check the replies to this admission from mid-May to find a smattering of solidarity from Tegan and Sara fans: “Same.” “Same.” “Same.” “You’re not alone.” “Lesbians for Harry Styles Unite (LHSU).”

The entire internet had a crush, really. And while Tegan and Sara may be the most famous queer women to make their love for Harry (and his style) public, they’re just the tip of the iceberg that is the gay-lady Styles hive. The Great British Bake Off’s Ruby Tandoh wrote a recipe for “Harry Styles’ Dutch Baby with Cinnamon Rhubarb.” Former BuzzFeed writer Katie Heaney (along with current BuzzFeed Books editor Arianna Rebolini) wrote a whole damn book inspired by their love of Harry. My girlfriend has a One Direction wall calendar, and wholeheartedly plans to re-up for 2018. As a queer woman with lukewarm feelings toward the singer, I kept finding myself thinking, What the fuck is up with queer girls and Harry Styles?

Queer women have always rallied around their likeness in pop culture: Ellen DeGeneres, Joan Jett, and pretty much the entire US women’s national soccer team all sit squarely in the elite category of lesbian celebrity icons. It’s not terribly common for queer women to rally around a cis man in the same way. Sure, people love to joke that Justin Bieber and Cole Sprouse look like lesbians, and queer women have harvested fashion inspiration from James Dean and Marlon Brando for decades. But it’s much less common for a cis man to be the subject of a full-blown lesbian pop-culture obsession.

Once he went solo, folks who hadn’t paid attention to 1D started eating up what his fans had obsessed over for years: Harry's sexual ambiguity, androgynous style, boy band appeal, and relatively progressive social awareness. It’s what many women I spoke with characterized as Harry’s “magic.”

I found that Harry Styles means something slightly different to each of his fans. He possesses an ability to be whoever you want him to be. When the lines are blurred between stage persona and social media persona and real persona, when it’s unclear what’s fact and what’s fiction, when his sexuality is an open question, a character is born. Fans can project their own desires onto Harry, in the quiet of their imagination or in their own fanfiction or in group iMessage threads with fellow fans. That’s the magic of Harry.

And that’s the Harry that queer women get so obsessed with. That’s the Harry who has even inspired some women, in becoming infatuated with him, to recognize their own queerness.

Men herald Cher and Whitney and Gaga as their gay pop idols. Have queer women chosen Harry Styles?

One Direction came to fame in 2011 and 2012 by offering a near-24/7 window into their lives, thanks to social media. Twitter and Tumblr livestreams gave fans access to whatever the five cute teens were up to at almost any given time. Fans had an insurmountable pile of content to consume: photos and videos of the boys just pallin’ around backstage on tour, or performing for packed arenas, or pondering their endearingly silly teenage thoughts aloud. No boy band before One Direction roared to fame in such an all-consuming and intimate way, as the technology wasn’t there yet. That near-constant barrage of content gave their OG fans (mainly teenage girls and young women) a feeling of truly knowing the boys. And with that, a sense of ownership over their rise to fame — a sense of ownership of the boys themselves.

Fans immediately fell for the youngest of the group, Harry Styles. Raised in a tiny village equidistant from Liverpool and Manchester, he wields a relentlessly British charisma. Even from the get-go, Harry publicly radiated charm. His boyishness, his ease on camera, his frog prince face — it’s almost unfair how easy it was to love this kid. He exuded, as many celebrities and so few 16-year-olds do, a complete ease in his own skin. According to fans, he seemed to genuinely not give a fuck what people thought about him.

Harry’s either a very reserved person or is incredibly well media-trained — likely some combination of the two. He rarely shares personal details in interviews, which, as several women I spoke with concluded, makes him very easy to project an imagined personality onto. Compound that mystique with his enigmatic androgyny and surreal level of fame, and Harry is a perfect blank slate.

And thus, a fandom was born. And with every good fandom comes fanfic. And lots of that fanfic is gay. Very, very gay.

Slash fanfic is far from unique to One Direction, but 1D fans took up slash fic in a major way. The main coupling shipped in fic was Harry Styles and bandmate Louis Tomlinson, coined “Larry Stylinson.” Fans went so far as to speculate a real-life romance between the two lads. Though, it didn’t stop with Larry. From stories of Harry and bandmate Niall Horan hooking up on tour to a sentimental imagined romance between Harry and British radio personality Nick Grimshaw, there is a near-infinite trove of gay fanfic involving Harry Styles. In One Direction’s heyday, especially from 2013 through 2015, Tumblr was ablaze with stories of trysts between the boys. This, of course, says more about the fans themselves than of Harry’s own real-life sexuality.

The One Direction fandom really latched onto the Larry slash fic. Julia, a 32-year-old Harry devotee, told me she would read Harry fic “half turned-on, half, like, academically.” This phenomenon, too — of women being into gay male porn — is a well-established one. (Remember that scene in The Kids Are All Right where two wives watch porn, and how people lost their damn minds they were so confused?) Taking heterosexuality out of the equation in porn complicates gender power dynamics in a way that really works for lots of women. So, it makes sense that that phenomenon would translate to 1D fic. Those cute British boys were like queer-girl sex bait.

Let’s make one thing clear: Harry Styles looks like a hot lesbian. With a wiry frame, effeminate features, a shaggy mop, and an enviable wardrobe of floral prints and eye-popping suiting, he’s an absolute Shane. If you’ve never noticed this, perhaps you should hang out with more lesbians.

His fashion sense — that is, fashion not designed to flatter only men — is central to most queer women’s admiration for the pop star. I mean, come on: Those suits! Harry’s bottomless cache of dazzling two-piece suits and patterned blouses has made him a bit of a lesbian fashion icon. “I don’t wear suits often, or hardly ever — but I always want his suits,” says Katie, noting his penchant for sporting outfits that would look great on men and women alike. My girlfriend, Fran, asserts her “personal fandom is rooted in all of his outfits.” (Good answer.) I’m not sure if queer women are suddenly running out and buying Styles-esque suits, but they’re certainly fun to drool over.

Harry came to adopt his now-notorious personal style throughout 2015. It was at this time, too, that he grew his hair down past his shoulders, which amplified his androgynous looks. This androgyny piqued his queer fans’ affection. Even Sara Quin admitted to GQ that she grew her own hair out to look like Harry’s. For many women, long-haired, end-of-One-Direction Harry was a glory age of sorts. “There was a specific moment from late 2014 through early 2016 where he had this long hair and was wearing all YSL, where he was for me, in some magical witch way,” says Julia. He wasn’t a little boy holding hands with Taylor Swift anymore — his presentation had matured into something much more interesting. Something a little queerer.

Styles wears printed two-piece suits while performing in September 2017.

Of course, Justin Bieber was the original “looks like a lesbian” pop star of the social media era. If you’ve never noticed (again, see my above note about hanging out with more lesbians), mid-puberty Justin Bieber looked a lot like an androgynous-leaning woman. Internet lesbians embraced this comparison, and in 2010 the blog of viral fame Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber was born. Women would submit photos (mostly selfies) where their looks were particularly reminiscent of the then-teenage Biebs. (The Tumblr’s most recent post is from April 2017, so it’s not officially dead, just past its heyday.) The account posted masses of photosbetween 2009 and 2012; it was a truly excellent meme.

But IRL, Justin Bieber appears to be — what’s the phrase? — oh, aggressively heterosexual. He very publicly dated Selena Gomez, joined a church that “does not affirm a gay lifestyle,” and has a habit of sliding into random women’s DMs like a true 23-year-old dumbass. Honestly, Bieber’s severe straightness is the perfect punchline after years of Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. While he may sport effeminate features (even post-puberty), the star doesn’t represent any sort of queerness in the pop sphere.

Harry Styles, on the other hand, prefers to publicly retain a level of sexual mystique not dissimilar to Bowie and Prince. In the six years that Styles has been in the public eye, his own sexuality has remained an enigma. Even though fans have long speculated about a romance between Harry and Louis Tomlinson, Louis has outright denied any romance between the two — but Harry never has. On the whole, he prefers to keep his own sexuality undefined.

On a 2014 press junket, the British singer said being female was “not that important” a quality in someone he would date. In an interview with the Sun this past May, Harry declines to label his sexuality, seeming to confirm a fluidity fans had long sensed. Since their 2015 On the Road Again tour, it’s become a bit of a tradition at shows for Harry to parade around stage with pride flags brought by fans.

But, hey, coyness doesn’t equal...well, anything. For all we know, Styles has no interest in men whatsoever. He might reach Justin Bieber level on the Het Dude scale behind closed doors. My cynical side suspects he knows that coming out as straight, now, could very well alienate a large portion of the singer’s fanbase. Instead, he gets the best of both worlds by keeping things vague. Having his rainbow cake and eating it too, as it were.

But it ultimately doesn’t matter whether Harry Styles is gay or straight or one of the many other iterations of human sexuality. What’s important is that he appears to publicly champion non-definition.

FULL ARTICLE

[krupnick02]

have you ever did illegal things jessica what illegal did you do TEL L ME

Oh boy.

Ooooooooooooooooooookay.

now under .. truth serum!

“Listen, I’ve been alive for 86 (87 next month!) years now; I’m an old toon. I’ve done things, said things, been through things and tasted things a-plenty now.”

“That means you don’t get to judge me for just a handful of the things I’m going to tell you, alright?” She breathes deep! These things are .. secretive things. She won’t spill all of them, but while she’s being forced to spill them out and not lie about a single one, why not have a little fun with it? 

Jessica leans forwards with her hand splaying beneath her chin, a smile tucking up the side of her face. “Wanna hear about the time I almost put a hit out on my own boss?”

“I mean, it’s not technically illegal since I didn’t actually go through with it, but it’s enough to warrant a telling I’d think. Anyways, back in the day when I was still unrecognized talent,” Pardon the usage, Squidward. “I was touring the dating scene. I had a boyfriend back then; A good looking Italian man, he had a nice car, excellent taste in clothing, always wanting to buy me things. He was nice.. for a while. But during the stages of those niceties before I found out he was an absolute dick, he would be someone I’d always go out for a bite to eat with; especially since he’d be offering and I wasn’t making much at the time.” That was a story coming next. 

“Now for the sake of story, let’s call this old flame of mine.. Tim. Sometimes I’d get off of work in a terrible mood, and when I say ‘sometimes’ I mean almost all the time back then. I didn’t like to complain back then, but then again, I don’t much like to these days either – but that man had a silver tongue, I’ll tell you that. Tim managed to wrestle me into verbal submission where I would go on and on, telling him about how bad my current Boss at the time mistreated me, which was god awful, by the way. No woman should ever experience that, or man for that matter. That old Boss of mine could throw a punch, but I’d throw one back just as hard, trust me.” A wink. “Anyways, Tim played it cool. It should’ve been weird at the time, but he was just so calm and collected that I didn’t know better. He’d stroke my hand and push back my hair, kiss my cheek and tell me: “Don’t worry, Jessy Baby. Tim’s got ya now, and that sonuvabitch is gonna get what’s comin’ to him.”

“And you know back then, my instincts were still growing. I just thought ‘sure, whatever Tim, you’re just putting the big gushy boyfriend act’. Something though, I’m telling you this - and you know I’m being honest; something in me was rearing back and putting up the stop sign telling me: “hold on a minute, wait, girl, ask him what he means by that”. I mean it, but I was young back then; I just blew it right off. Until a few days later, I catch Tim sneaking around backstage after everyone’s gone home for then night but a few of us. I’m thinking he’s come to pick me up, so I get my coat and I go to grab his arm –”

“And color me surprised: Tim was packing heat; a small gun that fits right up your sleeve. I don’t know where he got it and I didn’t really care; I just dragged him all the way back to my dressing room and started questioning what the heck he was doing with a gun in my work place. Tim was no liar, so he tells me he’s giving my boss, That ‘sonuvabitch’, what’s coming to him. Now imagine me and how fast the paint drained from my pretty little lines. I realized what he was doing and why he was doing it, and I had to go through the entire night convincing him not to do it.”

“And because of that experience alone, following the later issues alone, is why I don’t speak of the boyfriends I’ve had. Try being in my shoes and coming into work the next day trying to play it cool, looking my Boss in the face and biting back my tongue every time he degraded me. Do you know how hard it was to not kick that man in-between his legs and scream; “I’m the reason you’re alive, asshole!”? Extremely.”

“Now, how about we move onto this last one? It’s more funny now that I look back on it - no homicidal boyfriends or bastard bosses in this one. Just me going on an acid trip to a concert.”

“I don’t advocate for those kinds of drugs, mind you. Disney would have my neck if I did. This lovely little trip is something I took by accident.”

“It was in the 80s and the concert I was going to was one I’d been looking forwards to for ages; Bon Jovi paired with Joan Jett & The Blackhearts! I was over Cloud 9 for this concert! I was so excited! But unfortunately, life gets in the way and I ended up having the worst headache paired with a set of nerves that rattled me so hard my legs were shaking. I was almost in tears, I was that angry. But a friend of mine at the time was taking a variety prescribed medication, and she offered me a nerve pill. I would’ve declined, but I’ve been so excited for this concert for months that I just threw ambition to the wind and took it.”

“FUN FACT: IT WASN’T A NERVE PILL.”

“Now my friend, Mary, didn’t do this to me intentionally – she was experimenting with LSDs at the time; it inspired her for her writing, as I was told, but I didn’t know that. It took about fifteen comical minutes for it to hit me and suddenly everything just Melted. I’m used to wacky visuals; I’m a toon, I live in ToonTown, but this. Oh no, this little devil drug, THIS little writer’s “assistant” sent me a roller coaster I never remembered signing up for. Worst part is I wasn’t alone, so I couldn’t just waddle off into a corner of Oblivion and watch butterflies made of Mary Jane apparitions have a field day while the bands were playing, no. I had Roger by my side every step of the way! My poor Honey Bunny was watching me wade off through crowds all night chasing the music notes that came off stage and try to touch them. He watched me stare for 40 whole minutes into my bottle water just tilting it all over the place in absolute awe. He had to hold me back when I watched someone spill the margarita they brought in because it looked like an entire ocean to me, okay? And not only that, but it was the prettiest ocean I’ve ever seen in my entire life and I just had to become one with its sparkling pink & yellow waves. My gracious, I couldn’t even go to the bathroom because every step I took was making these huge circles of sound that I just couldn’t get enough of. People thought I was trying to join the Pit when really I was just bouncing around trying to make the circles bigger and brighter! They changed colors every time, I tell you!”

“And then poor Roger lost me somewhere in the middle of being tossed into the pit and throwing my heels to the wind. Everything from then on might as well have been the World of Dr. Seuss – well, using the expression quite literally – on acid. I was riding on the lyrics being sung and I was merging with a crowd of various other hues that complimented & clashed with my apparently purple self.”

“Everything after the Pit is a blur, but I do remember an extremely stressed Roger finding me. He tells me I was drinking wine and playing the bongo drums with Shaggy Rogers & his dog Scooby somewhere backstage, but I really don’t remember any of it.”

“And those are two illegal Jessic.a Rabbit Exclusive stories I have for you. Satisfied?”

[obtusemedia]

Top 25 songs of 2019: Honorable Mentions

In 2019 — a commendable year to close out the decade, musically speaking — Gen Z’s budding stars fully arrived, while long-time stalwarts created some of the best work of their careers. There weren’t any albums that threatened the top of my decade-end chart, but the year still delivered a crop of solid records in a variety of genres.

This year, I’m doing my year-end list a bit early, because I plan on releasing my decade-end list around New Year’s. So before we do that, let’s kick off the celebration of 2019 with 15 great songs, listed in alphabetical order by artist, that just missed the top-25 cut off.

“People” by The 1975

Manchester pop-rock geniuses The 1975 have already dabbled in almost every genre under the sun. So a sharp pivot into near-screamo punk rock seemed inevitable.

“People” isn’t my favorite song of theirs — the best version of The 1975 is when they’re fully in ‘80s synthpop mode — but it’s still very effective. The crunchy, thrashing guitars fit perfectly with Matty Healy’s off-kilter vocals and apocalyptic lyrics. In a way, “People” is a sequel to their generation-defining 2018 single, “Love It If We Made It.” But while that song is anxious, the main emotion in “People” is fury. And it’s not hard to miss the message, as Healy screams it in the chorus: “STOP FUCKING WITH THE KIDS.”

“Baby Boy” by Kevin Abstract

BROCKHAMPTON’s boy-band/hip-hop collective is too chaotic to have a true frontman. But if there is one, it would be Kevin Abstract. And the Texan rapper/singer’s 2019 solo album, ARIZONA BABY, was a stellar showcase of his talent.

“Baby Boy,” a cooing, soft love ballad, is the record’s best track. Between the gorgeous melodies and the left-of-center production and singing, it seems destined for the soundtrack of a quirky rom-com. And it’s nice to hear Abstract flex his R&B chops.

“Everybody Here Hates You” by Courtney Barnett

This loosie single by Melbourne’s finest indie rocker is classic Courtney Barnett. All the ingredients are there: deserty guitars, a shuffling groove, and Barnett charmingly speak-singing her sardonic lyrics. Barnett’s clearly notched a lane for herself with “Everybody Here Hates You.” And frankly, if she never leaves it and keeps making solid songs like this, I wouldn’t mind.

“Twist The Knife” by Chromatics

Speaking of consistently excelling in your specific soundscape — here’s Chromatics! “Twist The Knife” has all the off-key synths, ghostly Ruth Radelet vocals and general nocturnal, cinematic sound you’d want from the mysterious group. Perhaps the one major difference is the thumping, 808-heavy disco beat. But, like with Barnett, Chromatics’ sound is solidified by this point. And luckily, they’re still the masters at soundtracking nighttime drives.

“Arabesque” by Coldplay

Coldplay returned this fall with two singles. One was “Orphans,” which had a conventional Coldplay sound (sing-along chorus! aggressive perkiness!) to contrast with an unconventional Coldplay topic (refugees). 

The other was “Arabesque,” which sounds like nothing Coldplay have ever done before. It’s got a hard-hitting Afropop beat, a French interlude, Chris Martin dropping the f-bomb, and most amazingly, a sax solo that’s nearly two minutes long. It’s a weird, jazzy detour for the group — and it’s incredible.

“Falling” by Dude York

Seattle indie rockers Dude York wrote a song about a topic you don’t hear much often in music: romantic complacency. The couple in “Falling” isn’t a bad one — lead singer Claire England makes it clear that she’s having a great time. But she also calls the relationship “practical,” and describes it as a very casual, low-stakes romance. “Falling” brings up the question many long-term couples ask themselves: Weren’t there supposed to be butterflies? Is it bad if our relationship is more cozy than passionate? It’s an intriguing subject, backed by killer rock production.

“Tough Enough” by Ex Hex

Ex Hex’s sound is knowingly old-school. The rip-roaring El Camino-rock of “Tough Enough” could’ve easily been a Pat Benatar or Joan Jett single in the early ‘80s. And that’s what makes it great — who doesn’t love Joan Jett? “Tough Enough” isn’t something you have to think too hard about; it just kicks ass.

“Summer Girl” by HAIM

Asking HAIM to give you a sleek retro-pop song is like asking Spoon to give you a nervy indie rock single: they’ll deliver the goods. But the San Fernando Valley sisters gave their formula a few tweaks with “Summer Girl,” their best single since their 2013 debut.

Instead of their typically slick production, HAIM opted for a barebone, funky ‘70s groove. The vocals rarely go above a whisper. And the most prominent element of the song is a honking sax riff, which sounds like it comes straight from A Tribe Called Quest song. But all these changes don’t erase HAIM’s strongest quality: their solid-gold hooks. And you’ll be humming that doo-doo-do-do-doo chorus for days after hearing “Summer Girl.”

“Nice To Meet Ya” by Niall Horan

I had no expectations for former One Direction member Niall Horan’s new single this year. I didn’t love his previous white-guy-with-acoustic-guitar style, so I didn’t plan on enjoying his new stuff.

But “Nice To Meet Ya” thankfully ditches the acoustic guitar. It’s an extremely late-‘90s breakbeat banger. It’s less Ed Sheeran and more classic Robbie Williams. The song it really reminds me of is Republica’s deathless jock-jam classic “Ready To Go” — all propulsive energy and power. “Nice To Meet Ya” is a bit less aggressive, but it’s still a ton of fun and shows that Harry Styles isn’t the only One Direction alum that can produce a great solo track.

“Hey, Ma” by Bon Iver

At this point, Bon Iver can write these beardy arena-folk anthems in his sleep. But that doesn’t make “Hey, Ma” any less of a great update of that song. Amidst the occasional synth bloop and awkward Boomer-esque weed references (not sure anyone’s unironically said “toking on dope” in a while), the single features one of Justin Vernon’s greatest melodies. If anyone’s wondering how Bon Iver became one of the decade’s premier indie acts, the soaring chorus and powerful melody of “Hey, Ma” is an indicative example.

“Juice” by Lizzo

If it weren’t for a certain baggy clothes-wearing teen, Lizzo would’ve easily been 2019′s biggest breakout artist. But although “Good As Hell” and “Truth Hurts” were her biggest hits, those two songs came out way before 2019. Out of the songs that the Minneapolis popstar actually released this year, “Juice” is the perfect demonstration of her irrepressible charisma.

“Juice” is the best-possible combination of Bruno Mars’ retro-funk exercises and a defiant Kelly Clarkson anthem. Lizzo sounds like the most confident, extroverted person on the planet, slyly bragging about her and her friends’ prowess. It’s not quite on the level of “Uptown Funk,” but “Juice” is still too fun to resist.

“Sucker Punch” by Sigrid

“Sucker Punch” is just the latest edition of a wonderful musical tradition: the sleek, icy Swedish pop song! Wait...*checks notes* turns out Sigrid is actually Norwegian. A country that has less ABBA-style pop and more death metal.

But regardless of what part of Scandinavia she’s from, Sigrid’s “Sucker Punch” is still a textbook-perfect bubblegum single. With its bouncy vibe and explosive chorus, it almost sounds like a lost hit from 2011 or 2012 — a golden age for pop. Sigrid’s thick accent and energy just adds to the charm. Old-school synthpop isn’t in vogue anymore, but at least Sigrid is keeping it alive for now.

“Hurry On Home” by Sleater-Kinney

2019 was not Sleater-Kinney’s best year. The Olympia indie legends’ new album, The Center Won’t Hold, received lukewarm reviews. The momentum from their 2015 reunion was mostly sapped. And most critically, longtime drummer Janet Weiss, one of the best in the biz, quit abruptly, saying she was essentially told that she was no longer a “creative equal” in the group.

But at least the trio delivered one stone-cold Sleater-Kinney classic single before they imploded. “Hurry On Home” is a sleazy, thunderous hard rock jam that would’ve snugly fit on their last album, No Cities To Love. It’s got a bit more of a robotic groove, thanks to producer St. Vincent, but the crunchy guitars are still there. Carrie Brownstein’s sardonic vocals are still there. And that trademark Sleater-Kinney intensity is absolutely still there.

“Superbike” by Jay Som

Jay Som’s stellar 2017 debut album, Everybody Works, dabbled in dream pop, but also dipped its toes into many other subgenres. But the lead single of her sophomore album, “Superbike,” is pure hazy ecstasy.

“Superbike” has a bit of Alvvays in its DNA, particularly in the atmospheric guitars and whispered vocals. But Melina Duterte added a bit more California bliss to that formula. The track sounds like the soundtrack to a tranquil jog down the beach, with the sunrise in the background.

“God Is” by Kanye West

Kanye West can’t sing. He’s warbly and incredibly off-key. And that’s why I love it when he genuinely tries to do so.

Jesus Is King is a mediocre, one-note first draft of an album, but it still has its moments. And my favorite moment on the record is when West puts his lack of vocal talent on display. “God Is” features West trying his darndest to belt over a sample of gospel composer James Cleveland’s song of the same name. And he falls pretty flat on his face. But there’s something still powerful about that, like someone badly singing in church, but with so much conviction. It humanizes West.

[phanicornundertherainbow-blog]

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[redheadedfemme]

First Impressions: Star Trek: Discovery S2 Ep 12, “Through the Valley of Shadows”

This episode of Discovery continues with this season's modus operandi--good characterizations and acting, and poor plotting. Yet this is enough for me to continue with the show, because when the first two are there, they are firing on all cylinders. In this episode, that was never more evident than when it came to this guy.

Anson Mount has been doing great work all season, and this episode had a scene that more or less left me in a blubbering mess. Since the time suit was sucked back into the future in the last episode, Starfleet has decided they need a time crystal to save all sentient life, and the Klingon planet of Boreth (where we saw Ash Tyler and Klingon chancellor L'Rell drop off their secret baby) has a monastery where the crystals are kept with the monks. (Yes, yes, it makes no flipping sense. Just put your logic blinkers on and go with it.) L'Rell and Ash get into a fight over who gets to go down to the planet--since, after all, Tyler/Voq is supposed to be, you know, dead (although that's not a terribly important barrier, in this show)--and Pike volunteers to go instead. Once he gets there, he meets a hooded albino Klingon monk who says he will give Pike a crystal if he looks into the future one shows him and accepts his fate.

(An albino Klingon monk, guarding crystals that do funky things with time! Ooooh, who could that be? It's L'Rell and Ash's kid, all grown up! Which makes me question the "kindness" of bringing him to Boreth, since at this rate he'll be in the grave even before Discovery starts its third season.) And we the audience know what Pike is going to see, just as we recognize the fate that's been hanging over him the entire season. His accident is shown in all its horror, and the aftermath of him sitting in his chair in paralyzed agony, and even though we know it's coming, it's a brutal gut punch. Anson Mount just kills it here, because he looks at that future and sees what is in store for him, but as a Starfleet officer he steps up and accepts it anyway. Damn, I almost think I'd rather have another season or two of Christopher Pike (and Spock and Number One) aboard the Enterprise than the new Picard show. In the opposing storyline tackling this episode's themes of destiny and fate, Burnham and Spock hie off together after a Section 31 ship that missed its check-in (after some more sibling banter: "I don't need saving, brother!" "Shall we, sister?" when Spock, acting on Saru's orders, insists on going along). The two have a lovely conversation, and Michael is depressed and cynical, since nothing they have done has defeated Control. Spock admits that both logic and emotion have failed him, and the only thing he has left is a sense of purpose. Then they come upon the crew of the Section 31 ship, drifting dead in space after an apparent venting, and rescue the sole survivor, a former crewmate of Burnham's from the Shenzhou. (ALL TOGETHER NOW: "Are you sure about that, Michael? Who IS this guy, really? Should we maybe not trust him quite so fast?") Neither Spock nor Burnham hear me yelling at the screen, however, and the three of them beam aboard the Section 31 ship. And sure enough, the Lone Survivor gets Michael alone and tries to infest her with nanobots, resulting in a rather suspenseful scene where she keeps firing at the poor guy (although maybe not that poor, since he's already long gone and reanimated by Control) until she phasers a huge hole in his midsection and a stream of nanobots comes pouring out. And Spock, finally, comes running in and hits upon the idea of magnetizing them to the deck. Apparently Michael is the one "true threat to its [Control's] objectives," and despite its confident assertion that it will win, there must be one timeline out there (shades of the Avengers and Thanos) where it fails. Back aboard Discovery, there is a nice scene involving the bridge crew eating lunch, including the welcome return of Jett Reno (and the Six Sinuses from the Black Lagoon guy, whose name I've forgotten). Stamets is also sitting with them, at least until Culber comes into the mess hall with a different group, whereupon Stamets rushes back to his engineering cave (this is a very brief scene, but it's another fine performance by Anthony Rapp). After this, Reno goes to sickbay with a hangnail excuse, and tells Culber to stop being an "idiot whose name rhymes with Poo." She relates how her wife died during the Klingon War, and she didn't get another chance; but Culber and Stamets have another chance, and she urges him not to screw it up. These scenes were a welcome break from the overall tension of the episode, and all I can say is MORE OF THIS PLEASE. Especially Jett Reno. The episode ends on a cliffhanger, as after Spock and Michael's return to Discovery seemingly the entire complement of Section 31 ships, presumably controlled by Control (groan), pop out of warp around Discovery. Since they cannot delete the sphere data from Discovery's mainframe, Michael says they need to destroy her, and Pike agrees. He calls the Enterprise to come to their location (his ship is going to get there before the Section 31 ships, which are already there, can capture them? Really?), and gives the order to begin evacuation. (Just before this, there's also another nice scene where Pike relates what happened on Boreth, or at least part of it, and you can see just how devastated he is by what he has learned. More stellar acting on Anson Mount's part.) The episode ends there, but now I'm wondering if this is going to connect with the excellent "Short Trek" shown on All Access before the season proper, called "Calypso." This depicts a Discovery 1,000 years in the future, abandoned by her crew and ordered to wait for their return, during which the computer evolved to sentience (and not a Control-inator type sentience, either). At any rate, next week at the very least we'll get to see the Enterprise again, and hopefully Number One as well. So: parts of this I really liked, and parts had me screaming in frustration. I'm still holding out hope that Michelle Paradise, Season 3's new co-showrunner, will fix their plotting problems. They have an excellent cast and characters, if they could just get their damn storytelling straight.

[9r7g5h]

Shut

Fandom: Xena: Warrior Princess 

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Words: 1,704

Summary: Joxer really, really needed to learn when to keep his mouth shut. 

AN: So a week and a half ago, I asked people on tumblr to give me numbers so I could pull fic ideas from the vast list of fic ideas I have. @forestfairyunicorn gave me number 123, which resulted in this fic! I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Xena.

Joxer was going to die.

Being a warrior, death was always on the horizon, just waiting to strike. Like a cobra, or a panther, only held off by his astonishing reflexes and superhumanly quick wit. And, of course, his good looks- even the goddess Celesta had turned a blind eye to his more dangerous actions after getting an eyeful of what a man he was. Had her touch not caused immediate and painful death, they would have consummated their love long ago. But, alas, they couldn’t be, and so their love affair continued through looks instead of touch.

So Joxer was used to death. He had faced it many times and said “Not today, Hades. Not today.” He didn’t fear it, not a single bit, and laughed at the idea that it could ever come for one such as him.

But Xena was a force beyond the gods, beyond Fate and Death and everything in this existence, and to not fear her? Even when the two of them were so close, the closest of confidants (except for Gabrielle, and he was pretty sure that she only took the position of Xena’s “best friend” because she had some things to offer he couldn’t. Like her tongue, and her clever fingers, and her bedtime entertainment. She was one Tartarus of a bard, Joxer would give her that, and she told and wrote a great story), to not fear Xena would be the mark of a fool. And while Joxer was many things- mighty, great, courageous, fantastical- he was not a fool.

So, on a normal day to day basis, he treated Xena with a healthy amount of respect for her powers as a warrior and stayed out of her way as much as he could.

But he had to get involved. He just had to. The warlord had mistaken him for his brother Jett, Gabrielle had landed herself in a cage with a bunch of other slaves, and Xena had been captured and forced into the warlord’s service. She’d been serving the disgusting man his wine, a low position for one such as herself, and so he had to step in.

Even Xena needed the great Joxer’s help, and while she’d clearly been too ashamed to ask him for it, he’d seen the plea in her eyes. Some might have mistaken it for a glare, but Joxer knew better. He had taken one look at her and seen the truth. Her eyes had said ‘Joxer, please, you’re our only hope. Save us.’ And so he’d taken action.

“I’m sorry, my lord,” Xena said as she leaned over, her small top clearly showing her assets as she refilled his goblet once again- the fifth time in the hour since Joxer had been invited into the tent. “About that ambassador you’re meeting with, the one you’re planning on selling the slaves to? I couldn’t help but-“

“But wonder when we’re going to betray him and cut off his head,” Joxer cut in, sending Xena a pleased look that he had picked up on her train of thought. “I say we take his money, give him the slaves, and then come back twenty minutes later with all our men and take them back! We could have the whole thing done in an hour, two tops, especially if we get one of the slaves on our side. Maybe promise one of the girls their freedom if they help out? I noticed a cute little redhead in the pen, maybe she would be willing to play friendly with the ambassador to keep him busy?”

And there. Not only had he picked up on all of Xena’s thoughts, just like two great minds would be able to, but he had even found Gabrielle a role to play in all of this. And once Gabrielle was separated from the rest of the slaves, and the warlord became over concerned with double crossing the ambassador, he’d be able to free Xena from whatever had her captured, rescue Gabrielle from the ambassador’s tent, and save the day.

“An excellent plan,” the warlord said after a moment, nodding wisely and holding his goblet out for more wine- a big drinker, this one. “We just keep selling the girls over and over again, kill anyone who could give us away, and make ourselves rich! The perfect plan- and I should have known it would come from you, Jett.”

“B-but my lord,” Xena protested, scurrying over and pouring him another glass of wine, “that would tarnish your reputation! You’re well known throughout the area as a top quality slave dealer, only passing on the best specimens to the buyer. To damage that ideal, that would destroy you and any future business ventures you might have! Best to let the deal go through without a hitch, to keep the people’s shining opinion of you sparkling.”

Once again, Joxer nodded, picking up on Xena’s vibes. Yeah, her gaze might have been a bit…intense, as she stared at him over the jug of wine, but he knew that was just an act for anyone else. He knew what she wanted.

“What’re you listenin’ to a woman for,” Joxer said, rolling his eyes and slapping Xena’s ass as she walked by- for a second he thought he had over stepped, by the terrifying look on her face as she whirled towards him, but a moment later she smoothed over her anger and stiffly walked away to refill the jug. Perfect. Her protesting the plan and then him coming in and countering everything she said was exactly what would make the warlord go for it. “Come on. Who cares about some reputation- build a new one! A fearsome, terrifying one that will raze the world to the ground. Stick with me, bud, and I’ll make yah rich.”

The warlord laughed and clapped Joxer on the shoulder, his mirth too much to contain. When he had calmed enough to speak, the warlord gestured for Xena to come to him, gently pushing Joxer towards her.

“Take Jett here to the tent next to mine,” he said, still chuckling. “And show him a good time, eh? Want to make sure he stays around for a good long while. Oh, and pass on orders to have that cute little redhead Jett mentioned bathed and prepared. As a gift- a bedmate- to the Ambassador, to show my…good will.”

“Yes, my lord,” Xena said, her voice sickeningly sweet as she gave a little bow, “of course. Please, follow me.”

She didn’t speak as they walked through the camp- a good move, since you never knew who could be listening. The tent, when they finally got there, was small but comfortable, with thick cloth walls that would at least semi-muffle their words if they kept them down. The perfect place to talk, at least as perfect as they would get in the middle of the enemy’s camp.

But the discussion didn’t exactly go as he had planned.

“Are you suicidal, or just insane,” Xena hissed the moment the tent flap closed behind them, her fingers jabbing into his neck and silencing him before he could speak. “Do you know what you just did? Do you even understand the three weeks of planning you just destroyed?”

As if she just realized he couldn’t exactly breathe when his windpipe was partly crushed, Xena jabbed at his neck again, turning away and pacing before he even took his first breath.

“The ambassador stole a very important artifact to the Amazons, and they want it back. Selling Gabrielle and the others as house slaves- all of whom are Amazons- was our only way to get them into the castle so they could steal the artifact back without being slaughtered. And you just convinced the warlord making the deal that it would be better to have Gabrielle have sex with the man and then kill him, getting us nowhere near the castle or the artifact.” Stopping her pacing before him, Xena leaned over so they were eyelevel- and this time, this time Joxer saw the anger, loud and clear. “Do you understand what you’ve done?”

“I thought…” Joxer’s voice trailed off as he swallowed thickly, his heart in his throat making it hard. He did understand what he had done, now that the plan had been laid out for him, and understood he was only alive because the warlord would think it suspicious if he died. “I thought I was helping?”

Even to him his voice sounded weak and pathetic, and perhaps that appealed to some part of Xena’s nature, because her glare slightly softened.

But only slightly, and that did nothing to stop him from fearing for his life.

“Next time we’re in a position like this,” Xena said, her voice a low demand, “you’ll wait until we can talk, and then you’ll do exactly as I say. You’ll promote the ideas I give you, you’ll encourage the lines of action I lay out, and you’ll never, ever dare to speak for me again. Got it?”

Joxer nodded quickly, his helmet sliding over his eyes as he did so.

“Good,” Xena almost purred, pulling away. “Now, I’m going to go do damage control and see if this plan can be salvaged. You stay here like a good boy, and if anyone asks, I rocked your world. Got it?”

Again, Joxer nodded quickly, well aware that that was the correct answer to her question, and unwilling to find out what would happen if he got it wrong again today.

“Oh, and Joxer?” Xena paused at the tent entrance, her head half turned so she could just see him out of the corner of her eye.

A terrifying sight, because he knew he would be dead in a moment if she wanted, and it was only because of her good graces that he wasn’t.

“Yes, Xena?”

“Touch my ass again, and you’re losing that hand.”

“Yes Xena. Sorry Xena. It won’t happen again.”

With that she was gone, and once again Joxer had to tell Hades not today, though not for the lack of the god trying. Because if they couldn’t fix this, he was dead. Xena was going to kill him, and he’d be dead.

[artificialqueens]

Courtney’s Infinite Search for Love Ch. 4 (Witney) - Grinder

AN: So yeah another update! I’m just aiming to do a lot of Uni work this week! Also I’m loving the positive feedback on this! You’re all so lovely. X

~Grinder

“Ooh, someone’s going out tonight!”

I pause from applying my lipgloss to turn to my roommate, Alaska, who’s standing there smirking at me.

“Yeah, I’m going to the staff karaoke night. Aren’t you coming?“ I asked turning to the mirror again.

Alaska and I had gotten involved with Tune.105 together back in college. We were only there for work placement but Dela admired my script writing skills and said Alaska had the perfect personality for the going on the air. She loved us so much, she had to keep us.

“I don’t wanna go,” she drawls and groans at the same time, leaning against the door, “I hate looking after everyone.”

“True. But without You, Lasky, we would be all dead by now.” I point out.

“You have an excellent point but I’m still not going.” Alaska clarifies, closing the zip of her fluffy jacket showing how comfortable she already is. “So are you going with Willam?”

“I think? Like I’m meeting her there but I expected her to come here or I go meet her at her home.” I sigh, rolling my eyes.

“Courtney,” she drawls moving away from the wall and wrapping her long slender arms around me. “Don’t be worrying about stupid little things like that. It doesn’t mean shit. Just go out tonight, have fun and get wasted.”

“I don’t think I can after last night to be honest.” I groan remembering the sickening feeling I felt when waking up in Willam’s bed.

“You’ll be fine. You can do it, gurl.” I hear Alaska encourage me as she goes to the kitchen for food.

-_-_-_-

I walk through the doors of the bar, dressed all classy in a rose gold play suit. I see Willam standing at the bar. She waves excitedly to me, calling me over. God, she looks so cute in short dungarees.

“Look at you.” I greet her with a light peck on the lips.

“Look at me? Look at you more like it, walking in here like you’re Britney.” Willam teases.

Before I can continue an excited scream erupts from the speakers deafening nearly everybody.

"Courtney! You’re here!” Adore slurred on stage as she holds the mic lazily to her face with a wobbly hand. Her smile drops as her eyes cast to the lyrics screen “Oh fuck! Oh, and feel you near me…Driving in my car…Driving home for Christmas…”

Adore moves the mic away from her mouth to Jaremi’s face as he’s sitting nearby. He takes the mic proudly, clearly had a bit too much to drink by the looks of it, and continues the song. “Driving home for Christmas…With a thousand memories…”

Adore attempts to take the mic back but fails miserably as Jaremi continues.

“I take look at the driver next to me…He’s just the same.” Jaremi gives a sloppy smirk before Adore pulls the mic back with force.

She looks at her audience with glassy eyes and finishes her performance. “He’s driving home, driving home…Driving home for Christmas.”

I stop listening as Willam begins to speak. “She’s fucked. She’s sang twice already and they were both Christmas songs. Katya told me.”

I stop myself from falling to the floor at Adore’s drunken antics, moving to the bar to order a drink.

A few seconds later, Adore’s done singing and she curtseys before bringing the mic back to her huge lips.

“OK, all you motherfuckers out there need to tune into Tune.105 every day at 6.00PM to hear me be a slutty weather girl. OK, thank you.” She passes the mic to the DJ oblivious to the fact he had turned her mic down half way through her self promo. She stumbles away from the stage running to hug me. Her drunkenness causes her to practically topple over on me.

“Wow, you were great up there, Adore.” I commend her.

“I know, man.” She slurs.

“Willam, you’re up!” We hear Dela shout.

“Oh, fuck.” Willam, swears downing a shot. “This should be good.”

We cheer (well I did, Adore could only manage a nod) as she makes her way to the stage. She takes the mic from the DJ after choosing her song.

“Don’t judge me if this sucks.” Willam commented as the music started.

Then she begins a cover of I wanna Dance with Somebody. I cringe as she starts going all Mariah Carey on us. She’s not even drunk which only makes the scene extra hilarious.

Willam glances in my direction and I laugh before blowing a kiss mockingly. I then look to Adore who just looks in another world, smiling like a Cheshire cat and her eyes slightly closed. Don’t drink, kids.

-_-_-_-

An hour later, we’re slightly drunk and discussing Disney movies in a booth.

“That’s horse shit.” Willam comments, taking a sip of her margarita. “That’s the worst Disney movie ever made.”

“No! Frozen is the best. I think the Box Office figures should clearly show that.” I defend my point. “What makes Frozen so bad?”

“The fact it’s basically the Lion King?” Willam suggests. I scoff which encourages her to continue her point. “They both open up with songs of their origin language, both families in the movies are faced with tragedy causing the hero to run away and sing a song about forgetting about their worries while their homes are turning to shit…”

“Well, the Lion King was theorized to be based off Kimba the White Lion so technically Frozen is still not based off the Lion King.” I feel the regret to inform her as I feel proud and take a sip of my drink.

“So, Courtney,” Willam starts, trying to avoid the fact I’m right, “What do you actually want to do in life?”

“Like as a career?” I question, feeling confused by the question. “I wanna keep working for Tune.”

“Yeah, but do you actually wanna be a news bulletin writer for the rest of your life?” Willam suggested.

I blink at the forward question. “Well to be honest I haven’t really thought about it.”

“Well maybe you should ‘cause I think you would make a really good script writer for the radio packages.” She pauses to look me seriously in the eye and places a hand over mine. “Or who knows; maybe you could go write for a newspaper and then in the future you could be writing for Time magazine!”

“I honestly don’t know, Willam.” I groan. “Part of me says that I do have better things going for me. But another part of me is telling me to stay with Tune. I can’t leave my friends.”

Willam’s silent for a few seconds before she scoffs. “Goddammit, I was trying to hypnotize you with my eyes. Anyway, back to the serious part. I seriously think you should keep thinking about it, Court.”

“I will. I promise.” I smile at her.

There’s a moment in which we’re just silent, staring at each other and smiling. How weird. Who just sits in a bar and stares at someone?

A hand slams down on the table, freaking us the fuck out, shocking us back to reality.

“YOU BITCHES LOOK LIKE YOU NEED SOME SHOTS!”

I’m startled when a round tray practically falls down onto the table in front of me. There are five shots of tequila. Willam’s got one too. Yikes.

Tammy, Robbie, Bianca and Raja and sitting around us urging us to down the little glasses of death.

“A toast to the happy couple.” Tammie teased.

“Haha. Yeah, it’s a comedy party tonight.” Willam groaned, sarcasm thick in her tone. She eyes the tray of shots with a hint of regret in her eyes.

“Let’s just get it over with.” I act like I’m brushing off the fact I’m worried for my head. I lift the first glass to which Willam mimics. We look at each other before quickly downing the first glass and moving on to the others. It was safe to say that by the last one I was completely obnoxiously drunk.

The group around us cheer and tease me about how I look a bit green. Willam’s distracted by the DJ as someone just finishes their song.

“We got any more volunteers for the night?” The DJ asks.

“I say you have a turn, Courtney.” Willam turns to me.

I cringe at the thought of singing in my current state. “I don’t think that’s possible.”

Willam turns to face the DJ and points at me. “She’ll do it!”

Lifting my wide eyes to her I begin to protest and make excuses as to why I wouldn’t sing. Stage fright…too drunk…can barely see through glassy eyes…

5 minutes later I’m on stage throwing myself around screaming the words to I love Rock and Roll by the ever so wonderful Joan Jett. I swear I have stumbled 5 times. Like not, discreetly. It looks like I’m ready to crash. And it’s all because of me throwing myself around this small stage. But I can’t help it. I just feel so happy. And complete. I just love feeling this way. And I love Willam. I swear.

-_-_-_-

“Courtney…”

“Willam?”

“We’re both incredibly drunk…” Willam pauses, slipping an arm around my waist. We’re just sitting in the booth watching Adore and Jaremi sing. Well, trying to sing. They are smashed. And I’m smashed. Willam’s smashed. Basically the place completely smashed.

It’s rather empty now. Half of the staff were gone. Jinkx and DJ were sitting in a booth talking quietly to each other. Matt and Jay are trying to be discreet in another booth, rolling joints. Alyssa’s at the bar blushing like a teenage girl with Tatianna drunkenly singing Meatlove to her. And there’s a few others.

And as I said before, there’s Adore and Jaremi.

“You’re a bum! You’re a punk!” Adore screams at Jaremi through the mic nearly deafening the remainder of the crowd.

“You’re an old slut on junk! Lying there almost dead! On a drip in that bed” Jaremi rebukes in a really bad Irish accent.

Adore looks like she’s about to tackle Jaremi. Like really pounce on him and beat the shit into him. But I can’t help but just sit and laugh at the scene. “You scumbag! You maggot! You cheap lousy faggot! Happy Christmas your arse, I pray God, It’s our last!”

Luckily she doesn’t pounce as they wrap their arms around each others shoulders looking out to the audience. How dramatic.

“The boys of the NYPD choir still singing ‘Galway Bay’ and the bells are ringing out for Christmas day.”

Adore whispers something to Jaremi and nearly tumbles off the stage as she approaches Willam and I, leaving poor Jaremi looking for a new partner to sing with.

“I got bored. Some asshole keeps playing Christmas songs guys. I swear I wanna shoot my face.” Adore slurs as she slides up to us.

“Do you want to go home?” I try to utter, feeling quite light myself.

“Yeaman shore.” Adore slurs quietly.

“What was that?”

“Yeah man…suuure…”

“OK, we’ll call a cab.” I reassure her. “It’ll go to your place first- -”

“Noooo…I wanna stay with you tonight, Court’,” Adore slurs, grabbing onto my elbows and bending over while groaning. I sigh heavily looking to Willam for help.

“It’s OK.” Willam nods reassuringly. “Take her for tonight. We’ll catch up.”

I smile looking down to Adore. “Lighten up, soldier. You’re coming home with me.”

Adore squeals with excitement, hugging me abruptly which startles me in my drunken state. Willam does her seal laugh as she helps pull Adore away from me and to the door. The taxi’s already outside. I guess Willam called it whilst Adore begged me to stay over.

-_-_-_-

The ride home is painful. Willam is on the left, I’m on the right and Adore is in the middle singing Hakuna Matata.

Was I happy to have Adore come home with me? Of course I am. I want to make sure she’s OK. She’s in a worse state than me despite how drunk I am. Someone needs to take care of her.

But I also want to be going home with Willam. Practically the moment she was singing in the bar I was itching to get her home and in my bed. But like she said; She’ll make it up to me.

"I’ll text you next time you wanna meet up.” Willam holds my hands as she stands beside the cab. I look around to Adore who’s fiddling with my keys at the front door. Looking back round to Willam I lean forward so our foreheads are touching.

“I’ll be waiting.” I whisper.

Willam’s hand slips to the back of my neck drawing my lips to crash onto hers. Our lips move rhythmically before letting our tongues explore each others mouths. I could’ve swore I just heard her moan slightly. I swear this kiss is killing me and it’s only just begun. Goddammit why did I have to agree to letting Adore stay over? I swear I would do anything to have her come in with me.

“SHAAAAAAAAME!” Adore yells before letting out a train of cackles.

“Adore!” I shout after her as she enters the house.

I turn to Willam again to see her smirking. I manage to stifle a laugh. She leans forward leaving a soft kiss on my mouth before bidding me goodnight. I return the gesture as she gets into the cab. I watch as it pulls away and keep watching until it disappears out of my line of vision. I turn and make my way into the house, ready to struggle getting a very drunken Adore into bed.

[noahfence1d]

Three days after the release of his self-titled debut album, and six days after he wore a now-iconic pink suit during a Today show performance, lesbian pop-rock twin bandmates Tegan and Sara tweeted a confession about Harry Styles from their account: “I have a very real crush on @Harry_Styles. Loving the new album and the high waisted wide leg pants.” Check the replies to this admission from mid-May to find a smattering of solidarity from Tegan and Sara fans: “Same.” “Same.” “Same.” “You’re not alone.” “Lesbians for Harry Styles Unite (LHSU).”

The entire internet had a crush, really. And while Tegan and Sara may be the most famous queer women to make their love for Harry (and his style) public, they’re just the tip of the iceberg that is the gay-lady Styles hive. The Great British Bake Off’s Ruby Tandoh wrote a recipe for “Harry Styles’ Dutch Baby with Cinnamon Rhubarb.” Former BuzzFeed writer Katie Heaney (along with current BuzzFeed Books editor Arianna Rebolini) wrote a whole damn book inspired by their love of Harry. My girlfriend has a One Direction wall calendar, and wholeheartedly plans to re-up for 2018. As a queer woman with lukewarm feelings toward the singer, I kept finding myself thinking, What the fuck is up with queer girls and Harry Styles?

Queer women have always rallied around their likeness in pop culture: Ellen DeGeneres, Joan Jett, and pretty much the entire US women’s national soccer team all sit squarely in the elite category of lesbian celebrity icons. It’s not terribly common for queer women to rally around a cis man in the same way. Sure, people love to joke that Justin Bieber and Cole Sprouse look like lesbians, and queer women have harvested fashion inspiration from James Dean and Marlon Brando for decades. But it’s much less common for a cis man to be the subject of a full-blown lesbian pop-culture obsession.

Once he went solo, folks who hadn’t paid attention to 1D started eating up what his fans had obsessed over for years: Harry's sexual ambiguity, androgynous style, boy band appeal, and relatively progressive social awareness. It’s what many women I spoke with characterized as Harry’s “magic.”

I found that Harry Styles means something slightly different to each of his fans. He possesses an ability to be whoever you want him to be. When the lines are blurred between stage persona and social media persona and real persona, when it’s unclear what’s fact and what’s fiction, when his sexuality is an open question, a character is born. Fans can project their own desires onto Harry, in the quiet of their imagination or in their own fanfiction or in group iMessage threads with fellow fans. That’s the magic of Harry.

And that’s the Harry that queer women get so obsessed with. That’s the Harry who has even inspired some women, in becoming infatuated with him, to recognize their own queerness.

Men herald Cher and Whitney and Gaga as their gay pop idols. Have queer women chosen Harry Styles?

One Direction came to fame in 2011 and 2012 by offering a near-24/7 window into their lives, thanks to social media. Twitter and Tumblr livestreams gave fans access to whatever the five cute teens were up to at almost any given time. Fans had an insurmountable pile of content to consume: photos and videos of the boys just pallin’ around backstage on tour, or performing for packed arenas, or pondering their endearingly silly teenage thoughts aloud. No boy band before One Direction roared to fame in such an all-consuming and intimate way, as the technology wasn’t there yet. That near-constant barrage of content gave their OG fans (mainly teenage girls and young women) a feeling of truly knowing the boys. And with that, a sense of ownership over their rise to fame — a sense of ownership of the boys themselves.

Fans immediately fell for the youngest of the group, Harry Styles. Raised in a tiny village equidistant from Liverpool and Manchester, he wields a relentlessly British charisma. Even from the get-go, Harry publicly radiated charm. His boyishness, his ease on camera, his frog prince face — it’s almost unfair how easy it was to love this kid. He exuded, as many celebrities and so few 16-year-olds do, a complete ease in his own skin. According to fans, he seemed to genuinely not give a fuck what people thought about him.

Harry’s either a very reserved person or is incredibly well media-trained — likely some combination of the two. He rarely shares personal details in interviews, which, as several women I spoke with concluded, makes him very easy to project an imagined personality onto. Compound that mystique with his enigmatic androgyny and surreal level of fame, and Harry is a perfect blank slate.

And thus, a fandom was born. And with every good fandom comes fanfic. And lots of that fanfic is gay. Very, very gay.

Slash fanfic is far from unique to One Direction, but 1D fans took up slash fic in a major way. The main coupling shipped in fic was Harry Styles and bandmate Louis Tomlinson, coined “Larry Stylinson.” Fans went so far as to speculate a real-life romance between the two lads. Though, it didn’t stop with Larry. From stories of Harry and bandmate Niall Horan hooking up on tour to a sentimental imagined romance between Harry and British radio personality Nick Grimshaw, there is a near-infinite trove of gay fanfic involving Harry Styles. In One Direction’s heyday, especially from 2013 through 2015, Tumblr was ablaze with stories of trysts between the boys. This, of course, says more about the fans themselves than of Harry’s own real-life sexuality.

The One Direction fandom really latched onto the Larry slash fic. Julia, a 32-year-old Harry devotee, told me she would read Harry fic “half turned-on, half, like, academically.” This phenomenon, too — of women being into gay male porn — is a well-established one. (Remember that scene in The Kids Are All Right where two wives watch porn, and how people lost their damn minds they were so confused?) Taking heterosexuality out of the equation in porn complicates gender power dynamics in a way that really works for lots of women. So, it makes sense that that phenomenon would translate to 1D fic. Those cute British boys were like queer-girl sex bait.

Let’s make one thing clear: Harry Styles looks like a hot lesbian. With a wiry frame, effeminate features, a shaggy mop, and an enviable wardrobe of floral prints and eye-popping suiting, he’s an absolute Shane. If you’ve never noticed this, perhaps you should hang out with more lesbians.

His fashion sense — that is, fashion not designed to flatter only men — is central to most queer women’s admiration for the pop star. I mean, come on: Those suits! Harry’s bottomless cache of dazzling two-piece suits and patterned blouses has made him a bit of a lesbian fashion icon. “I don’t wear suits often, or hardly ever — but I always want his suits,” says Katie, noting his penchant for sporting outfits that would look great on men and women alike. My girlfriend, Fran, asserts her “personal fandom is rooted in all of his outfits.” (Good answer.) I’m not sure if queer women are suddenly running out and buying Styles-esque suits, but they’re certainly fun to drool over.

Harry came to adopt his now-notorious personal style throughout 2015. It was at this time, too, that he grew his hair down past his shoulders, which amplified his androgynous looks. This androgyny piqued his queer fans’ affection. Even Sara Quin admitted to GQ that she grew her own hair out to look like Harry’s. For many women, long-haired, end-of-One-Direction Harry was a glory age of sorts. “There was a specific moment from late 2014 through early 2016 where he had this long hair and was wearing all YSL, where he was for me, in some magical witch way,” says Julia. He wasn’t a little boy holding hands with Taylor Swift anymore — his presentation had matured into something much more interesting. Something a little queerer.

Of course, Justin Bieber was the original “looks like a lesbian” pop star of the social media era. If you’ve never noticed (again, see my above note about hanging out with more lesbians), mid-puberty Justin Bieber looked a lot like an androgynous-leaning woman. Internet lesbians embraced this comparison, and in 2010 the blog of viral fame Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber was born. Women would submit photos (mostly selfies) where their looks were particularly reminiscent of the then-teenage Biebs. (The Tumblr’s most recent post is from April 2017, so it’s not officially dead, just past its heyday.) The account posted masses of photos between 2009 and 2012; it was a truly excellent meme.

But IRL, Justin Bieber appears to be — what’s the phrase? — oh, aggressively heterosexual. He very publicly dated Selena Gomez, joined a church that “does not affirm a gay lifestyle,” and has a habit of sliding into random women’s DMs like a true 23-year-old dumbass. Honestly, Bieber’s severe straightness is the perfect punchline after years of Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber. While he may sport effeminate features (even post-puberty), the star doesn’t represent any sort of queerness in the pop sphere.

Harry Styles, on the other hand, prefers to publicly retain a level of sexual mystique not dissimilar to Bowie and Prince. In the six years that Styles has been in the public eye, his own sexuality has remained an enigma. Even though fans have long speculated about a romance between Harry and Louis Tomlinson, Louis has outright denied any romance between the two — but Harry never has. On the whole, he prefers to keep his own sexuality undefined.

On a 2014 press junket, the British singer said being female was “not that important” a quality in someone he would date. In an interview with the Sun this past May, Harry declines to label his sexuality, seeming to confirm a fluidity fans had long sensed. Since their 2015 On the Road Again tour, it’s become a bit of a tradition at shows for Harry to parade around stage with pride flags brought by fans.

But, hey, coyness doesn’t equal...well, anything. For all we know, Styles has no interest in men whatsoever. He might reach Justin Bieber level on the Het Dude scale behind closed doors. My cynical side suspects he knows that coming out as straight, now, could very well alienate a large portion of the singer’s fanbase. Instead, he gets the best of both worlds by keeping things vague. Having his rainbow cake and eating it too, as it were.

But it ultimately doesn’t matter whether Harry Styles is gay or straight or one of the many other iterations of human sexuality. What’s important is that he appears to publicly champion non-definition.

Generally speaking, women tend to exist in a state of sexual fluidity more often than men do. A 2015 study from the University of Notre Dame found that women were three times more likely than men to report a shift in their sexual orientation, and more likely than men to identify as bisexual. What’s more, younger generations of LGBT people have been embracing fluidity and rejecting traditional labels of sexuality. A 2016 study found only 48% of Generation Z identified as exclusively heterosexual, compared with 65% of millennials.

So then, perhaps it’s Harry’s refusal to conform to mainstream sexual terminology that makes him so appealing to queer women. For many, seeing a pop star of extreme fame not only embrace a refusal to label, but appear to thrive in that gray area of sexuality, might be a relief. Sure, his private life could very well be less fluid. But publicly rejecting the notion of being “gay” or “straight” or “bisexual” — all of which have clear meanings — could be, for many non-straight women, something to celebrate.

But that, too, is an oversimplification of why queer women go fucking bananas for Harry Styles. After all, plenty of other celebrities keep their sexuality shrouded in mystery, or just choose to remain in the glass closet. So, still, why Harry?

On the topic of sexual fluidity, let’s get another thing out of the way: It’s not that queer women necessarily want to fuck Harry Styles. Sure, women tend not to adhere to gendered boundaries of attraction as rigidly as men do. But the Harry Styles obsession, for most gay women, is not “He’s so hot that I’d go straight for him,” nor is it “He looks like a lesbian, so that turns me on even though he’s a dude.” This love is not anchored in wanting to bone Harry. (Though, yeah, some would love to bone Harry.)

Hug? Yes. Flirting? Definitely. Engage in a drawn-out, rom-com-esque love affair that ends in kissing? Surprisingly, yes. But it’s not about sex in a straightforward sense.

“Addie” (who asked not to be named), a 29-year-old queer writer, would put wanting to sleep with Harry at, “like, number 17 of the reasons why I’m intrigued by him.” For Addie, “it's more of a kindred spirit situation, and I'd rather be him, or be like him, than sleep with him.” This feeling’s pretty common for queer people; think about gay men with Madonna or Beyoncé or Carly Rae Jepsen. Queer kids, before really tussling with their sexualities, often conflate these feelings of admiration with sexual attraction.

Julia has sexual fantasies starring Harry Styles, yes. But she clarifies that if the real-life Harry Styles made a move on her, she’d probably reject the advances. She then goes on to detail, “basically I want to watch him get fucked, then also zip his skin around me in a suit.” So, suffice it to say, these feelings are sexual, sure; but none of the women I spoke to were lusting after the real Harry Styles. Just the fanfic-born idea of Harry.

For some women, like Katie, their crush on Harry Styles is like a middle school crush: pure, nonsexual, anchored in cuteness and kindness. The kind of crush you had before you really understood your own sexuality whatsoever. “I can give myself flies thinking about Harry Styles flirting with me,” says Katie. “But my imagination ends there.” Similarly, Fran describes her ideal, real-life relationship with Harry to be “someone I see at four to six parties per year who I always flirt with, and who reciprocates, but literally nothing [sexual] ever happens.” (Again...good answer.)

And it’s not strictly about the music, either. Some women connect to the music itself, while others love it merely as an extension of Harry’s existence, like the “magical” era of long-haired Harry, mid-to-late 1D — once he was no longer the squeaky teen he was on The X Factor — holds a special place in the hearts of fans. Several fans cited the band’s 2013 album, Midnight Memories, in particular. Solo Harry falls more into the category of mom-like pride in their grown-up boy: “I love it because it’s Harry.” As Julia says, “Does a mother like her child’s macaroni art? Objectively, no. But yes, it’s the best thing she’s ever seen. I listen to [One Direction’s music] because I like to have them in my ears, but not because I like it.”

Fandoms are a funny thing. They can elicit such intense and unexpected joy, and the resulting friendships, more often than not, come to overshadow the thing itself. It’s like sports: It’s nice to have a thing, completely out of your control, that’s fun to talk about and obsess over without any actual, real-life stakes. A bizarre interview prompts an inside joke, a trek to a concert in New Jersey prompts another, and over time real-life, intimate friendships have been stitched. Addie tells me her life as a Harry stan brought her a whole new slate of queer women friends, including Julia. The One Direction community is far from the first one queer women have bonded over online: Everything from Buffy to The Social Network to American Idol has had rabid, fanfic-penning queer fans online. But still, it’s had quite a robust impact on the lives of many queer women.

For some queer women, the particular joy unveiled in the Harry Styles fandom is and was a newfound sense of connection to one’s own body and sexuality. Perhaps the strangest and most notable part of all this is the women who attribute their realization that they’re gay, in some part, to their love for Harry Styles.

Julia remembers the exact moment she realized she was gay, at age 29. It was early 2014, and she’d been consuming as much Harry content as possible over the previous two months — photos, videos, fanfic, the works. One evening, she and a friend were exchanging emails about Harry (you know, normal things), when she was sent an email of about a dozen GIFs of Harry Styles (naturally). Something struck her.

“I remember so clearly looking at those GIFs of Harry and being like, ‘I’m gay,’” she recounts. “I can’t really explain why… Something about this has unleashed a reality within me that’s like, I know myself now.” Julia attributes her sudden connection to herself and her sexuality to her love for this androgynous-leaning, charismatic pop star. It was wrapped up in her realizing she had a crush on a woman, who she now realizes she was conflating with Harry.

A similar thing happened to Katie Heaney. Her love for Harry, which peaked in 2014–15, “was much timed to my sexual awakening in my late twenties. I was completely obsessed with a boy band — for the first time in my life — at the exact moment that I’m turning away from men in general.” Julia and Katie’s stories are not identical (as no two coming-out experiences are), but are both inextricably linked to their fixation on Harry. Both women also describe feeling a sort of “second adolescence” during their coming-out periods. (Imagine feeling all that crazy, intense horniness and obsession, but with a parent-free apartment, a 401K, and a decade’s worth of weird pseudo-exes. That’s what coming out later in life is like.)

Perhaps Katie and Julia’s unapologetic love for a teen boy band sparked that second adolescence, or vice versa. In any case, the near-crazed feelings of boy band fandom and teen-esque sexual discovery can go hand-in-hand.

There’s no crystallized explanation for why so many queer women love Harry Styles so achingly. I’ve learned that the avenues by which fans arrive at Harry appear to be as multifarious as those to arrive at one’s own sexuality. I guess all I’m saying is, perhaps more lesbian bars could stay in business by adopting Harry Styles cosplay nights. If given the opportunity to exist as Harry, as this idealized prism of confidence and androgyny and fluidity and glitter and youthful joy — well, who wouldn’t come out for that?

[keyofjetwolf]

Hey Jet, a safety warning for a thing you watch just popped up on my dash and it made me wonder. If something is coming up that could be a serious issue for you in terms of physical/mental health, do you appreciate the warning, or consider it a spoiler? And how would you prefer such things be handled? I don't know of any such things upcoming in stuff you watch, but it'd be good to have an answer on hand, you know?

An excellent question!

Hmmm. I’m not very easily triggered, as a general rule. I actually can’t think of anything off-hand that, at the moment, I would want or need to know about ahead of time, however unpleasant. Obviously there are some situational changes sometimes, like how for a while, after Jett died, there were several things that could set me off. But that’s the exception rather than the rule, thankfully, which at least makes it easier on everyone and one less thing to worry about.

I suppose I’d say that if someone is really concerned – which is incredibly sweet, by the way, and I’m touched even by the consideration – they could write to Hubby @thehubby and run it past him. He pretty much doesn’t give a shit about spoilers for anything, and he’s one of the people most likely to know if something has a chance of upsetting me.

AND STOP BEING SO NICE AND CONSIDERATE PEOPLE I’M BUSY TRYING TO BE CURMUDGEONLY OVER HERE

[incursionofthedamnedrpg]

Jett Lawson Accepted! We’re excited for the revamp of him, bb--his bio will be updated soon.

Name: Annie

Age: 21

Timezone: GMT

State an account where we can message you: this one

How active you’re going to be: (1-10) 6/7/8 - honestly varies on my work shifts

How did you find out about this roleplay? in it bro

Why do you want to play this character? bc i’m the only one who can fly this jett plane

Anything else you would like to tell us? (Changes, suggestions…etc)

IC:

Preferred Ships: just chemistry

Sample para: RFP

Name: Jett Lawson Birthday: November 13th (27) Species: Werewolf (triggered) Lookalike: Sebastian Stan Availability: Taken

Personality

With a mind as great as Jett’s, it’s easy to find the simplicity in life, but it’s easier to see all the things that are so, so wrong with it. Ever since he was young, he was always buzzing with energy, filled with questions and excited to learn more about the world he was being raised in. Growing up, he was your typical teenage ‘bad boy’, a trouble maker, so many would say. Jett had, and still does, have a wild soul, he’s un-tamed and he’s slightly crazy - but it’s in the best kind of way. He isn’t scared to go off on those who test his patience, as far as he’s concerned, a good brawl helps release the anger inside him. Plus, he’s confident, Jett knows he can throw knockouts, so most of the time, the cocky side of him pushes his opponent into making the first move, purely so he can show them up in public. That’s just the guy in him though, on the lighter side of him, Jett is loyal and kind. If he considers you a friend, there is nothing he wouldn’t do for you. Sometimes it’s difficult to break through his walls, even if it appears as though he doesn’t have any. Jett isn’t afraid to show his love and affection. He’s the type of guy who will pick you up when you’re down and build you up when you need that boost. To make an enemy of this guy is a dumb move,Jett doesn’t like to be out-done, but he takes it all in his stride – after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Past

Jett grew up in London, England, until he was 14 years old. His mum made the decision to move him and his little sister, Erin, to a town called Mystic Falls to follow a business opportunity. Though he wasn’t too pleased with her decision, he never questioned it. Jett knew that his mother was utterly miserable in herself, she just never seemed to smile like she used to before his father ran off with another woman. He figured it could be a fresh start for them all, so he packed up without any arguments. The first few weeks were crazy, but he settled in with no problem, falling in with the ‘popular’ crowd in school. It wasn’t long before he did everything most kids do in Mystic, drugs, drink, girls, parties, fighting, graffiti and nicking off school. His teachers assumed he was just following in the footsteps of his new friends, but he and his mother knew he was too smart for that. Jett made his own choices. They were his and he did what he did because it’s what he wanted, not because he was being influenced. Jett always held incredible potential when it came to his education. At the age of 15, he could complete University coursework like it was second nature, which only caused his teachers and his mother to he overly frustrated with his ‘screw it’ attitude. He didn’t care much for going school, but mainly because he knew that he didn’t need to study, or turn up to classes to be able to ace his exams. No one believed him of course. But when his finals came, along with his 30% attendance, he surprised everyone by passing them with A* grades. Jett always knew what direction he wanted to take his life, he wanted to be an engineer, kind of like Tony Stark. Building incredible things and pushing science and technology to their limits, so that’s exactly what he planned on doing. Sticking around and showing up to school wasn’t the worst thing in the world, not when he had his eyes set on that goal.

Jett always planned on making something of himself, he just never showed it. His criminal record, although only for minor offences set him back, but he always knew that it would. Jett didn’t want to work for anybody, his plan was always to own his own business. All he needed was one person in the right job-role to see his potential and give him a chance. And a chance was exactly what he got. He joined a team and suddenly, at the age of 19, work became his passion, much to his mothers surprise and joy. He excelled and he worked his way upward for the next three years, until that right person came along. They offered to invest in him, in his ideas, with the only condition that he would be in debt with them should he fail. But that wasn’t an option. Jett wasn’t the type to fail at anything if he had a say in it. Turning 22 and starting up a career and business of his own in Atlanta was hard, but only because he didn’t like to be so far from his family. But he perused it, and he succeeded. The next five years only helped him shine, he had hand picked some of the greatest talent and minds in the country and the business he had named ‘Lawson Tech’ was no longer in a small building. it was thriving in a huge building dedicated to their work and pulling in millions every month… And he did it all for his family. Money was never something he cared much for. Sure, it was nice to be able to buy and do what you wanted, but the one thing money could never buy was happiness.

Given his busy life, his mother and sister always visited him, rather than the other way around, until recently, when his sister broke the news that their mum was very sick. He left his business in the capable hands of his colleges and moved straight back to Mystic Falls to care for her. Jett instantly pulled in the best round the clock care he could for his mum, even though she tried to protest. She wasn’t going to get better, so where else would he be other than by her side? Over the weeks though, the stress had gotten to him. Jett was drinking most nights, looking for any single thing that would stop him from feeling so miserable, until recently, it had all gotten too much. Jett found himself in the middle of a bar fight, not that he minded, it merely re-sparked the fighter in him. What he didn’t count on was the fight going outside with the only guy left standing. Purposely, the guy wanted him outside, where there was no cameras, so he could do damage without risk of repercussion. Jett however, wasn’t going to go down without a fight.

Present

Furious, drunk and brawling with the guy in a back alley wasn’t something new, not for Jett anyway. He always had an anger inside of him that he felt like he couldn’t really explain. But given all the stress he had going on in his personal life, his anger was at its peek, so much so he was blind to what he was doing. The other guy was knocked down and unconscious, but Jett’s fists kept slamming into his face. It was a good couple of minutes before Jett stopped, his knuckles bloody and his mind shattered. He scrambled backward, staring at the lifeless body in-front of him, when he felt a surge of energy passing through his body. It was painful, but powerful too, little to his knowledge, that became the moment he triggered the wolf gene he didn’t know he had. Jett had took the body and disposed of it securely, but that only made things a million times worse for the new wolf. He’s still reeling from what he had done, for the thing he had become. Meanwhile, he’s also trying to act like nothing is up with him, still trying to look his mother and sister in the eye without letting on that he is broken, and it’s all his own fault. He’s struggling, but he’s trying, trying to suppress the darkness that seem to be seeping into his soul, trying to go on like nothing is wrong, like one wrong word from even a random person doesn’t make him want to cave in their skull. The real questions are, how strong is he? Can he resist? Can he go on? … Can he even be who he was?

Connections

Victoria Harrington

Friend, lover, someone who he knows he can go to, if he ever needed someone to be there.

Dean Winchester

Recent acquaintances, developing a drinking buddy kind of friendship.

Aurora De’Martel

She fed from him, though he was willing and welcoming. She made him feel free and he wonders now, could she make him feel like that again? Or will the fact he’s a wolf change everything?