#Jesus fucking christ i love being able to have online friends and I love digital art. Hate that I have to use a computer for it

[c3rnunnos]

Ok i gotta. In the upcoming week I HAVE to finally open the pc again and let it run... Four months of windows updates. And of discord updates. And steam updates. And I have to grab a pal and have him uninstall Minecraft cause he may have gotten it for me but I haven't ever used it on my computer cause I don't like playing alone and hamachi doesn't work and seeing Minecraft in the corner makes me want to tear my skin off (ever since he put it there I've been getting notifications from windows like "buy this Xbox controller!" leave me alone leave me ALONE why am I getting ads on the base interface of my personal computer what the fuck where is my privacy why is there a guy selling me shit in the corner if I wanted to buy something id go to a store or on ebay fuck you fuck you fuck you how do I turn that shit OFF)

Like I know technically it's just a matter of sitting down and letting it do its thing (run updates till it's happy) but jaysus the hatred (anxiety) I feel for having to do this is immeasurable. But I'll have to do it. To draw digitally. And to play stardew and other games (I wanna play blasphemous....). And to finally put almost 30k of words on an actual document instead of letting it sit in discord messages (and to keep writing god I wanna keep writing so bad)

Yeah anyways if I manage to finally do this damn update I'll reblog this saying I did it but. I'm not hopeful. Brain juices are saying computer bad and I'm a slave to them as of now.

[shidiand]

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

[vanaera]

Missed Calls

Synopsis | Namjoon realizes everything is amiss right after you dropped the greatest plot twist in his life. Now terribly confused about what he’s supposed to do, he starts to just avoid everything that may connect him to you. Luckily, you’ll never get tired to remind him he’s missing something important: he doesn’t have to be alone and that...he doesn’t have to watch your face on TV screens anymore when he can have all of you for himself in a single call.

Genre | Fluff with humor and a tinny bit of angst

Wordcount |3,776

A/N | This is a sequel to Unread Messages (I’m tagging you @spiicyari as per your request!) This will be another drabble series of mine, so expect random updates on this one too! (I will edit a header for this once I finally have a free time). Majority of this fic is inspired by the recent events in my life. Enjoy reading!

               Namjoon wakes up in his dark bedroom with the heavy silence pressed against his chest. He doesn’t need his glasses to see the pitch-black screen of his phone by his side, unlit with zero notifications. He turns to the other side of the bed, tearing his eyes from the said gadget. The unfamiliarity of the black screen being just black for too long taunts him to open it and just ask you if everything was a desperate mirage of his mind or not. It’s strange, too surreal, too good to be true that his Sun that talked with him through his every struggle is the same person as the Y/N he’s been dying to at least greet with a “hi”. And Namjoon knows anything that is too good can only exist in fantasies and dreams, such as him and Y/N finally, actually talking to each other.

                He closes his eyes and buries himself deeper in his sheets, with hopes that it can also drown the thoughts surrounding you and the factual probability of you actually writing a song about him. Needless to say, he woke up too soon for the hours to lift the heavy bags off his eyes along with a sudden urge to consume two mugs of caffeine to get him through another tiring day.

//

               “I didn’t imagine you’ll be this fucking handsome, god, I should have fixed myself.”

               “Namjoon?”

               “Huh?” Namjoon sits straight up, papers and pen dropping onto the floor and before he can kneel down to pick them up, he nudges his phone off his desk. Jimin saves it for him just in time.

               “Jesus Christ hyung, what’s with you recently?” Jimin hands him his phone, forehead furrowed in concern.“You look like you just woke up from death.”

               “Wow, thanks for the compliment,” Namjoon mutters, eyes fleeting to the notification bar of his cell. Still blank and black as always. He tucks it in his pocket. “I always look horrible, no need to point it out.”

               “I didn’t mean it like that,” Jimin seats himself across him, chin jut out against his crossed arms. “You’ve been too…disoriented lately. I mean you’re always disoriented but this week was really different. You even walked into a pole yesterday. What’s wrong?”

               “It’s nothing, just…woke up from the wrong side of the bed.” Yeah, probably he did, Namjoon thinks.

               “Alright, if you say so,” his friend turns to the front just the moment their Philosophy professor enters the room.

               Namjoon heaves a sigh. It’s not that he didn’t trust Jimin with his problems; the kid has been with him through thick and thin (even when he’s literally thinning out last year because of his schedule and Jimin religiously have to get into his thick skull that he has to eat). It’s just… Once you’re presence has become tangible to another, it becomes easier for them to map out who you are which also makes it easier for them to nitpick each part of you. And Namjoon can’t let his friends see him as a burden. That’s why he prefers talking them with you. Everything is easy for him – relaying his embarrassing stories and exploding outbursts through a digital screen with no condescending eyes to judge him; entrusting his secrets to a person on the other end of the world which is completely detached from his own; baring himself open to an unknown face he can just hit up with a message without being that vulnerable in front of another person.

                But now, you have a face in his mind, a face too familiar, a face everyone knows, and he doesn’t know if he can look at you the same way as before. How can he? He didn’t imagine the girl he loved in his own little fantasy will be actually you, the first female friend he had a platonic relationship. You even said so when you first exchanged names!

SunnyY/N  8:30 PM

Platonic relationships are so underrated.

MonJoon 8:31 PM

Yeah, I second that!

MonJoon 8:32 PM

I’m Joon btw. What can I call you?

SunnyY/N 8:34 PM

Just Sun! ☀ ☀ ☀

               “Just Sun?” Hell yeah, you’re the Sun to every fan like him, Jimin, and everyone else that loves you and your craft. Thinking about it, everything you made up perfectly coincide with everything Y/N does. You travelling around with “your parents” and Y/N’s promotions overseas also start the same time frame. You being hella busy “with your folks that you can’t even touch your phone” is in the same schedule as Y/N’s concert tour. You being unable to meet up when you’re in Korea just in time when Y/N is currently in Korea for an encore concert. You spamming the convo space about your loneliness the same day Y/N received tremendous backlash on the release of No More You. 

              Fuck it, Namjoon slumps his head against his desk. A loser like him is a million miles away from a star like you. You’re able to reach thousands of other better people out there so why settle on a plain joe like him? How did he manage to actually make friends with you? But most importantly, why did you let him be?

               “Namjoon, care to tell what’s so interesting with your notebook?”

               Fuck. Why now?

//

               “Y/N, seriously get off the phone, you’re going on live in two minutes.”

               “Wait manager Kang, just a minute,” you pulled your cerise lips in a tight smile before looking back at your phone, fingers somewhat numb from the minutes spent on it pressed against the screen.  

               Kang Solmi just turns away, already used to your antics. You’ve always been stuck to your phone since she handled you two years ago and until now, she can’t understand your fascination in the illuminated screen that have kept you up all night and all day.

               Well, it was different in other days, you usually tell her. “Just a message I have to check,” “Just one more look!” and “This person is important to me” - all of these already worn out on your tongue but you wouldn’t choose otherwise. You can’t open to her that you’ve been craving a normalcy in your life and this online friend of yours happened to give you just that. You can’t just blurt out too that you’ve been telling a stranger about things you’ve promised to keep exclusive only for the company, much less things you didn’t disclose even to your family and friends. And most importantly, you can’t tell her that stranger has been your muse for one year now that you can’t even control the rapid thrumming of your heart whenever you wake up to his “good morning, hoe.” For god’s sake, it doesn’t even sound romantic!

               But all of the things you can’t do, you can’t drag the screen down enough to change the things you sent in your convo space with MonJoon. It’s still frozen to the last message you sent him.

 SunnyY/N 1:04 AM

But I can’t wait that long, what if I say I want to meet you now?

               Shit, you must have freaked him out. You haven’t met him personally in the first place and you already scared him off. You bite your lip and scrunch your face in annoyance. “Why did I have to be drunk that day? Out of all days – and his birthday too! Why, why, why?! What did I even tell him that in the first place?!”        

 //

                 “Hey, Namjoon, You’re idol’s performing live.”

               Namjoon passes by  Seokjin, eyes immediately looking at the mini television they bought with hard-earned money to see the very reason of his sleepless nights singing her heart out to My Only Friend.

                The TV they bought was to satisfy Seokjin’s need for Netflix and his need to watch you on a larger screen without the possibility of him shattering it into shards. Well now, he could actually hear a resounding crack on his chest. It’s not real - you’re both born to be in different worlds, it’s just your imagination. “Yeah, okay,” Namjoon shrugged, legs fast as he heads for his bedroom.

               “’Yeah, okay?’” Seokjin looks at him perplexed, tone incredulous making him stop midway. “What have you eaten? You’re usually salivating just the moment your eyes land on her.”

               “I do not!”

               “You do!” Seokin presses, expecting to see the weird expressions his friend will put on his face.

               However, he didn’t expect to see the man huff in annoyance with an indignant scowl on his face. Namjoon only looks this scary when he’s really annoyed. Seokjin immediately drops the act and turns off the TV to follow his friend’s trudging.

               “Hey, what’s wrong, Joon? Sorry I was just teasing you.”

               Namjoon only turns on his back mumbling, “Nothing, I’m fine.”

               However, unlike Jimin, Namjoon knows Seokjin doesn’t entertain any bullshits.

               “Seriously, just tell me what’s bothering you. You look like a zombie these days, you almost finished our stack of coffee, and you’re being moody as hell like a 14-year old pubescent girl. What’s really up with you these days?”

               Namjoon looks away. He can’t just tell Seokjin the one he’s watching on the screen a few seconds ago was the same person he’s been going on and on to their friends as “Namjoon’s online girlfriend.” His friend will laugh his ass off and that’s the least he wanted to have in his shitty day before he goes for the night to tutor some brats.

               In his silence, Seokjin keeps his intense stare on him before he sticks out his index towards him. Namjoon waits, feeling his lungs squeezing -

               “Don’t tell me…you’re in a fight with your online girlfriend!”

               Oh right, Seokjin may not tolerate bullshits but it’s fine if he’s the one who gets to do so.

               “Damn you.”

               Namjoon closes his door, a relieved sigh escaping from his lips as  he hears Seokjin’s laughter echoing behind him along with the sound of the TV turning on to show a different artist taking the stage.

               Well, he can’t blame Seokjin from making that conclusion when it’s true he’s been like this when he’s going through arguments with you online.  The first one was last year when he insensitively sent you “you’re lucky you get the hell out of school because of your parents” in his sleepy haze while writing excruciating six essays he has to pass the next day. He immediately knew he fucked up when you didn’t reply for the next two days even though he knew you read his last message. Cue then the next three days he’s been quite snappy and sulky before Seokjin demanded him to get his shit straight and make an apology message for you. It was easily resolved. You forgave him and you went back to the same lively internet friend of his. 

              The second fight you had was still fresh in his mind. It was eight months ago when you asked him “Why are you letting yourself become an underdog to them?” in the middle of his rant about the bullshit of Yoomi, the bossy bitch classmate of his in Arts who thinks what she comes up with should always be followed by everyone. It offended him way more than anyone has thrown insult at him - probably the most offensive remark he received from someone - and it really hurt that it came from you, the person he regarded the only one who can really really understand him. The cold silence ensued for only two days before you immediately messaged him “sorry, it was really an asshole move on my part,” and though Namjoon finds it hard to easily forgive anyone who does him wrong, it was that day he realized how he can easily soften up to you and unknowingly let you settle yourself back in your special place in his mundane-as-ever life.

               But this time – this time, it’s different. He’s not even dealing with any cold war with you through the screen, but the moment he taps the icon of Send Me, he just finds himself stuck frozen with tingles running down his spine. You don’t message him after the bombing video call that threw him off his every expectation of the actual you behind the screen and – and it’s already been a week. Are you mad at him? Did you regret what you did? Or did you suddenly want to disentangle yourself from the mess of his life? Namjoon doesn’t know but at this moment he wants to cry. And so he does, sobs muffled by his clenched fist as he seeks comfort in his bed. He knows he’s gonna break down sooner or later and he’d rather do it now before he goes off to teach some spoiled brats later to fill his sad piggy bank for his MonStudio.

 //

                 Another week passes with Send Me still silent on the other side. Namjoon doesn’t have the guts to check it from time to time recently, afraid he’ll send something that will worsen the situation. And though that helps him to put his personal turmoil at bay, it doesn’t help him with the disarray of thoughts and pent up feelings filling the expanse of his inner calmness to the brim. You’ve been his support system for two years now and Namjoon knows it’s partly his fault why he’s like this when he’s the one who put you in the pedestal as the only one person that can really understand him. But he can’t help it when you really do as what his title on you says. 

              You helped him get through heavy workloads with constant checkups you slipped while staying awake with him until he finished all his requirements.

SunnyY/N (2:35 AM)

Hey, you still up?

SunnyY/N (3:45 AM)

Don’t you dare sleep on me, let’s finish this!

SunnyY/N (4:01 AM)

We’ve done it, hoe! Now pass it! I’m gonna catch a shut-eye now. ;DDD

               You gave him advice how to start reaching out from his introvert shell little by little just so he can make life easier for him

SunnyY/N (7:31 PM)

You don’t have to become an extrovert! Just step out a little in the open, I promise it will work.

SunyY/N (1:20 AM)

Don’t hate yourself too much. You know you can’t have everything under control, right?

SunnyY/N (3:56 PM)

I’m gonna send my love to you in hopes you’ll love yourself a little more each day, hoe. Here’s some ♥ ♥ ♥ from me :D

               And when he feels like giving up, you’re always there to push him back in his game.

SunnyY/N (12:37 AM)

Hey, you have to continue this. You have to shift to Music after this!

SunnyY/N (11:58 PM)

Joon, you know you have to endure this. Mon Studio, remember?

SunnyY/N (2:21 AM)

I’ll come to your studio someday and make great songs with you, so just hang on, okay?

               And now that you’ve been quite absent in his life, Namjoon knows he may easily just...burst, give up - lose control on the things he tries to keep at bay, especially now when he doesn’t need to have everyone know how much of a sorry loser he was.

               “Namjoon?”

               Namjoon’s eyes shot open at the recognition of Johnny’s voice on the other line. What the hell does their block’s president have to tellhim at fucking eleven o’clock in the fucking night?

               “Hey Namjoon, do you hear me? I have a favor to ask you about the upcoming event in the uni.”

               What the fuck, it’s already eleven o’clock and they’re calling me about school? Why did I even answer –

                And then he hears the goddamn voice of Yoomi. “Namjoon, do you actually know what you will do?”

               “Huh, what?”

               “Don’t pretend you haven’t seen it. You ‘seen’ the reminder I sent on Messenger thirty minutes ago.”

               Oh shit. The reminder Namjoon tapped on but didn’t actually read because the wonky internet suddenly caused the app to crash. Goddamn it, why does he and Seokjin have to forget to call the network –

               “Hey Namjoon, you there? Speak up!”

               Namjoon scrambles for his glasses, feet almost tripping on one another as he stands up. “Wait, wait, I’m getting up. I’m sorry I didn’t see the reminder; my net was shitty. Anyway, what is it that I have to do?”

               “So basically, we had each group assigned to make their own tagline they’ll post in their Facebook update for the event, but we’re unsatisfied with what they made up so we’re gonna ask you to redo them instead – “

               Wait, what? So this is the extra unnecessary event the block presidents planned? It’s not even graded, why do they have to stress on it too much? And why the hell should he redo the other’s work?!

               “It wouldn’t be too much on you, right?” Yoomi rattles on, “given that you score perfect in most of our essays in class, hmm?”

               Namjoon could already hear the warning bells of “this is bullshit” ringing by his ears and he could already imagine you scream “fucking hell no, bitch!” along with him to this whole bullshit scenario. But instead of voicing out his denial of the task suddenly thrust into him without his say in the matter, he finds his throat clogged up, unable to let the words be heard in the simple line connection. The cloudy haze in his sleep-deprived mind is also not helping in the situation. “Uhhm, uhh-“

               “You don’t understand, Namjoon? You don’t understand? You just have to do this and then-“

               He can’t deal with this right now. He presses the red icon of end call and puts the number in his phone’s blacklist. He knows it’s unnecessary but the panic in his veins doesn’t subside. It wasn’t until he pressed “leave the groupchat” where that damned task was messaged in was he finally able to sit down and breathe properly. His fingers are shaking, head suddenly pounding with long-withheld aggravation to these assholes who always have to disregard his consent in these activities – 

               “Why are you letting yourself become an underdog to them?”

               Namjoon couldn’t take it anymore. He has to reach you.

               Tapping the icon of Send Me, he presses the profile pic with your username to go into your convo space. He’s about to type everything that’s happening now but then – but then there’s missed calls and messages you sent earlier…this day?

SunnyY/n (5:26 PM)

Hey, Joon, I’m sorry I’ve been off the radar for two weeks. I’ve been thinking about the things I should say to you so as what happened the last time we talked wouldn’t turn that shitty but I guess I won’t be able to do so. I’m already shitty enough so I’m sorry you have to bear with me.

SunnyY/N (5:27 PM)

I’m sorry for shocking you that way. I didn’t intend to shake you out of your wits which probably scared you off from messaging me again.

SunnyY/N (5:30 PM)

I’m sorry again. I’ll be calling you until you pick up and I apologize this may come off irritating, but I just have to really talk with you again face to face.

            A notification now pops up.

SunnyY/N is requesting for a video call. Accept? Decline?

           Namjoon has never given out a reply so fast in his life.

           The screen changes to the same room he has seen in the last call. But today, there’s no bottle in the vicinity, and Y/N – you are looking at him straight in the camera, face bare and eyes clear of any tears.

           “Jo-Joon.”

               At the sound of your voice, Namjoon knows it’s time to let out the things he’s been withholding for too long. It’s his turn to cry now and as the tears run down his cheeks, you immediately do what only you can do to him – keeping him grounded. You let him rant out the things he’s been enduring all on his own – one of the spoiled brat he tutors stood him up in the library they’re supposed to meet, the scholarship he feels he’s about to fuck up with his recent unsatisfactory grades, and the shitty call of Johnny and Yoomi which is just so unfair on his part. He doesn’t mention his problem with you but you know it’s already implied when he looks at you beneath his lashes in sequences before he continues his words. It unsettles you that he has to have his guard up in front of you when you’ve been open to him for a very long time now. Anyway, you’d rather have him finally within your reach than have him completely disappearing for the worst two weeks of your life.

               “I-I’m sorry for looking like this,” he sniffs, fingers frantically wiping his wet cheeks. “I probably look like the typical pitiful underdog, I just-“

               “Joon, listen to me.” And Namjoon does. “You’re not an underdog, okay? You’re just doing your best at the moment, you always do. And these things – they’re just obstacles, okay? We’re gonna get through all of them, remember? You told me so in that long textpost of yours in Tumblr! Do you want me to go there and make a Namjoon protection squad?” you roll up your pale yellow sweater to show some “biceps” you wished you were actually working on, and this makes Namjoon laugh a little. You smile wider. He’s been defending you far too long, it’s your turn to have his back now. “‘Cause everyone’s been indirectly attacking you; I need to defend my hoe!”

               “No need, I’m – I’m gonna be fine,” Namjoon shakes off, his form calming down from his sobs. You always know how to make him smile again right after another breakdown. Letting his eyes meet yours from the screen, he still feels everything is a dream conjured by his wild imagination. It’s still too good to be true that the person he watches from afar now watches him and only him in the middle of the night. He simply can’t wrap his head around the actual possibility of everything that’s happening is actually real.

               You must have caught on his prolonged stare. “Are you – are you still weirded out this…is actually me?” You murmur but Namjoon still hears it. How can he not, when your voice was all that connected him to you when he hasn’t found out you’re actually SunnyY/N.

               “I’m not weirded out. I-I’m still shocked.”

               “With-with my bare face? I know I look horrible without make-up on and look-“

               “You still look as pretty as I’ve ever known you.” And this shuts you up.

               Namjoon takes in the image of you flushed and cheeks tinged in pink, the color making its way to his own blushing face. He can’t believe you’re actually blushing because of him. He’s still shy looking at you so closely so he casts his gaze down. “I-I don’t know if this is actually a dream or not – I-I don’t even know how to properly talk with you again- ‘cause I mean I’m your fan, and before you called me, you were just a fan, like me. By the way, I’m still fascinated how you just fangirled with me over you.”

               Your chuckles resounding from the other line makes Namjoon think he’s in cloud 9. “I swear I actually enjoyed doing that with you. One of my best stress-relievers.”  

               “Fangirling over yourself?”

               “Hell yeah.”

               “Okay, noted.”

               “But anyway, Namjoon, the friendship I formed with you with SunnyY/N is real and I hope you won’t change how you treated me through that convo space now that you know who I really am. I – I missed the normalcy I once had before my career suddenly put me in a place hard for me to personally reach anyone and – and I didn’t expect an online friend would give that comfort to me.”

               Namjoon smiles. “Of course. I’m just shaken up, I just have to get used to talking to my idols face to face.” You chortled at that along with him. “I wouldn’t want to be suddenly hoe-less just because I’m shocked you were actually the only person who gets me in so many ways.”

               “Promise me, you’ll be there for me just like how we used to for two years?” You put up your pinky in line with the camera.

               “Promise me you’ll tell me anything beforehand before you surprise the hell out of me again.” Namjoon also puts out his pinky leveled with yours.

               With a chuckle of “Promise!” just like how you type your promises in the convo space, the warmth Namjoon feels as he presses his pinky against the screen to meet yours felt too real.

               “Also, promise me that you won’t snitch my account to random people. I don’t wanna get hacked.” And at that, Namjoon giggles along with you.

               “Promise.”

                Everything still feels like a dream. But your warm smile and comforting presence on the other side makes it hard for Namjoon to turn his back away from this one hell of an opportunity fate has given him.

                It’s really good that this is real. He knows he has to bask longer in his side of paradise along with his sun.

Post A/N | Follow up! I’ve been working on requests recently so expect some of them to drop within the following weeks. Thank you for all your support! :D

All Rights Reserved © Vanaera. No reposts, modifications, and translations of content is allowed without direct permission.

[the-jaczac]

Odds for the asks!!

siick

1) Sexuality? 

don’t like dicks. Prefer femininity in partners. Past that, fuck if i know yall3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

The book is Armada :I, 1994- X-Wing vs Tie Fighter5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“night”(lmao)7) What’s your strangest talent?

I use a different keyboard layout than QWERTY. It’s not really a talent, but i wanted to say it9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Yes11) Do you have any strange phobias?

Needles13) What’s your religion?

Agnostic Theist15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Neither preferably(not good at photography), but probably behind17) What was the last lie you told?

told a friend I couldn’t remember who I had a crush on19) What does your URL mean?

It’s my eternal name(no idea where it came from), plus the- beacuse someone already took jaczac21) Who is your celebrity crush?

Natalie fucking Dormer jesus christ23) How do you vent your anger?

angst writing and pull ups25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Phone27) What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

When people scrape their fork across a ceramic plate. jeeez I hate it. voice of my friends29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

No, yes31) Smell the air. What do you smell?

((my sense of smell is awful, idk))33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?

WEST COAST BEST COAST35) To you, what is the meaning of life?

There is none. Live it how you want 37) Do you believe in luck?

Rationally no, but yeah pretty much I do39) What time is it?

21:5041) What was the last book you read?

Fulgrim- book 3 of the Horus Heresy43) Do you have any nicknames?

Otis. It’s a long story.

45) What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Alex dropped a table on my foot and shattered my toe bone. Also i almost cut my finger off47) Do you have any obsessions right now?

Character wise, Feferi maybe? Other than that, Warhammer 40k49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Not that I know of?51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Much to my annoyance, yes53) Do you save money or spend it?

Spend :E55) Love or lust?

Ahah. Lust, for now. 57) How many relationships have you had?

uno59) Where were you yesterday?

Houston Texas61) Are you wearing socks right now?

yep63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

No fucking idea65) Spit or swallow?(;

bahahah, message me if you want this shit answered67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

talking to Emi, I think69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

See 6571) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

fuck that job probably73) You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

love75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

7034. I feel like if i keep doing asks, people are gonna be able to steal my identity lmao77) How can I win your heart?

talk to me and be even vaguely attractive. that’s pretty much it79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Splitting my single cell before I was 72 hours old81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Zach [Last name] 1999- 21XX83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

beat85) What’s the last song you listened to?

Infatuation- trevor something87) What is your current desktop picture?

One is this cool sci fi colony ship and the other is of TAYLOR MOTHERFUCKING HEBERT89) What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

See 6591) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

oh boy. Teleportation. Instant, wherever I want. without question93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

unsure95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Back to houston, maybe. Or vancouver97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Yes.99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Stop being assholes, goddamn