#Jason: You just fucking ATE THE LAZARUS PIT RAGE?!?!?!?

[that-one-weird-cloud0]

Danny: damn bro you smelly as fuckkkkk wtf you bathe in? Sewage?!?

Jason: wtf did you just say

Danny: yo hold still a sec

Jason: wha—

Danny, pulls toxic dark green sludge out of Jason’s chest that fucking wiggles around like a parasite: there the little bugger is

Batfam: 0-0

Danny:

Batfam:

Danny: *eats it*

Batfam: ?!?!!!!?!??!?!!!?!!???!!!!!??

[batb1tch]

It’s my boy’s birthday so here are some Jason Todd head-canons 🎉

Probably 3rd to last (Alfred and Bruce) on the list of ‘understanding internet slang’ in the household. He died and just sort of fell behind on the times (including memes, pop culture references,etc..) I know he’s known for making snarky quips and sarcastic comments but I have no doubt his siblings would call him out on his outdated references. It’s likely it’d really piss him off too like, knowledge is really everything to this kid and here he is with a group of teenagers who are always on top of shit (Steph, Tim, Duke, even Dick) and he doesn’t know what they’re talking about the majority of the time. Can’t figure out how to use Twitter or Snapchat and he does not have the patience to learn. It’s a genuine sore spot for him regardless of the humorous side.

Has an inner city accent that will never leave him. Still pronounce “on” like “awn” and frequently drops his r’s (which Bruce acts like he hates but really he finds it endearing.) Drops his “ing”s like “nothing” is “nothin.”

Fantastic chef, learned from the best. Very good at making something out of nothing and making it last. Steph has been showing him how to can things like fruit and vegetables. She’s basically just enabled his doomsday prepping behavior.

Speaking of, if you think Bruce is bad with the backup plans (yes there is always a b c d — z) where do you think Jay got it from? Absolutely anal about planning and contingencies. Has a backup for his backups.

Has a small hoard of books hidden in an end-table back at one of his safe houses. His favorite classics (mostly gifted by Bruce.)

Loves the smell of paper.

Definitely could use them but refuses to get glasses. Babs teases him for his squinting when she gets the chance.

“Just join the club book-worm, promise it won’t ruin your badass reputation.”

Jason ~squinting~ “I’d rather die....again.”

Collects cool bookmarks.

Definitely names his guns.

Favorite meal is literally any Spanish/Mexican dish followed by a good chili dog & a coke.

Can pack away enough food to feed a horse and keep going, not even Bruce knows how he does it. Alfred acts like he’s a pain in the ass to cook for but loves feeding him anyways. “You’ll eat us out of house and home someday my dear boy, good god.”

While we’re at it, he is 100% taller and wider than Bruce. You might think it makes Bruce a bit uncomfortable when standing right next to him (I mean...it does lol) but he absolutely loves when Jay throws his weight around because the malnourished string-bean of a child that he met on the street could now powerlift a small automobile and he is so fucking proud and happy that he grew up to be big and healthy (that he managed to grow up AT ALL mind you) how could he be mad? He probably tears up at the dinner table after Jay fills his plate for 4th time that evening and still intends to stay for dessert because he loVES HIM.

His feet definitely hang off the end of his bed by like, the shins because his room only has a full compared to everyone else’s king/queen. It never got upgraded when he hit puberty (because he was dead) and then he wouldn’t let anyone change it once he came back because that’s his bed “don’t fucking touch it I still fit just fine.” (Even though he’s like 22 and there’s a dip in the mattress that could put the Grand Canyon to shame.)

Still has a picture of Catherine hidden away. Visits her grave on the anniversary and always brings her favorite flowers (Lillie’s.)

His hands get cold really easily and they’re always dry/calloused.

Snores. Loudly.

The Lazarus pit did NoT heal his autopsy scar that shit is there for life and it is big and it is ugly. He doesn’t like taking his shirt off because of it and the look on Bruce’s face when he sees it could strip wallpaper.

Stopped dying the lock of white hair on his head.

Has spring allergies that turn him into a giant snotting watery eyed whiny baby.

He’s claustrophobic and not a fan of the dark. It’s why his helmet has night vision.

(While we’re at it, that helmet has to be the equivalent of like, iron mans on the inside. Definitely has built in comms, scopes, analysis systems, navigation, etc etc. the WORKS. whICH he designed and created himself because he’s brilliant.) (Actually Roy might have helped a little but don’t tell him that.)

Has a work-in-progress bike in the cave that hasn’t been finished for over 2 years and it will never be finished because he uses it as an excuse to hangout and spend time with Bruce. Drives Steph crazy to see it sit there but she gets it.

During his first Thanksgiving with Bruce and Alfred he cried for 15 minutes before dinner (which he’s still embarrassed about to this day) and then ate until he literally puked. He hasnt missed many Thanksgivings since he died.

TERRIBLE at 1st-person-shooters and super pissed about it.

“That’s not even realistic, an HK-416 doesn’t even have a 200 round drum. It’s bonkers! It’s madness Tim!”

“Shut the fuck up Jason you haven’t even been facing the right way since we started.”

(He’ll stick to Space Invaders and Mario fuck you very much.)

Really good at piano. Bruce asked him to start playing seriously when he moved in because “learning a musical instrument teaches self -discipline and versatility” but really it’s because one day during his Robin years Jay sat down and started plinking on the keys to a song he learned at the public youth-center on the “old shitty out of tune” wood one they had and it just happened to be a song Martha used to play Bruce all the time. He wanted to hear it fill the halls again.

Gets in a screaming match with Bruce nowadays and instead of lighting up one of Penguin’s underground casinos (like he might of used to 👀) he’ll disappear for a month to cool down. You can always tell when he gets over it though because he sends the family a postcard from wherever he is in the world. (Alfred puts them all on the fridge.)

Pit symptoms used to (and occasionally still do) include horrific night terrors, black-out rage, and brief moments of hallucinations or flashbacks. He had to relive the period of time shortly after he was pulled out through graphic and warped recollections (typically after not getting enough sleep or engaging in physical altercations.) He really only started to work through this after Ducra had suggested keeping a log and writing down everything he could remember. After a time he was able to piece together the things he had experienced or done (mostly to others) and as awful and horrible as knowing may have been, he could at least start to move on.

The more time he spent with Damian after he came back the more he could remember as well. He will occasionally speak to him in Arabic & not even realize he’s doing it (which scares the pants of Dames, himself, and Bruce.)

He does feel closer to the little gremlin because of it though. Talia likely had him as a baby with her the majority of the time after he was born and Jay was recovering/training, so he spent a substantial amount of time with both of them.

Bruce bought him a kindle for Christmas one of the first years he was back and he was (and still is but don’t tell the old man that) elated.

Occasionally mumbles in his sleep, usually in a variety of languages.

He does smoke, mostly only when he gets stressed out (because everyone reams him for it otherwise.) You’d think it’s a rebellious street kid thing but it’s actually because Catherine used to smoke the same brand and the smell reminds him of her.

His shoe size is a 13.

The time shortly after he crawled out of his own grave he could see ghosts (and I’m talking straight up dead people.) He can’t recall much of this or the time spent actually deceased (even after his dunk in the pit) but even now he’ll see things move out of the corner of his eye or get cold chills or feel like he’s being watched. When he hasn’t slept for like, 4 days and is bordering on manic depressive and harmful behavior, he starts seeing them again. Constantine prob finds him real interesting.

My guess is that he did see Catherine when he died but overall ended up in some sort of purgatory-like state which he can’t recall.

When he blushes it’s the hollows of his cheeks, back of the ears and neck and all the way down the front of his chest. The autopsy scar shows up white against it.

Has those hands that no matter how many times he washes them the oil/gun cleaner doesn’t come out of the cracks. Looks like a mechanic.

Tends to wear thicker work/type clothing like carhart fireproof pants and boots. Obviously his jacket too.

Not a fan of cold weather at all. His nose and cheek get really red and he shivers (as unmanly as that is)

OCD. His apartments are spotless, weapons and ammunition categorized and logged, etc.

Had asthma as a child and sort of grew out of it but sometimes his endurance suffers as an adult because of it.

Has this particular phone case 💀

[bluboothalassophile]

I’m Hiding Your Brother Under My Bed

Who the Fuck Are You!?

Jason moved when he was sure the chick was asleep in her chair. He didn’t care what she said, there was no way that Dick would ever be happy to see him which meant one of a few things:

He was trapped in an alternate dimension.

He was actually dead and in hell.

Someone was pulling an elaborate prank on him.

Jason was hopeful it was he third, however, he knew for a fact he’d been dead and buried so this very well could be option two. There was no way that it was the first, however, he wasn’t sure as he quietly slipped from the room, the girl’s bear was on her bed still, and she was in a chair. She was so damn tiny, however, he had a feeling she was the thing to fear here.

Quietly he slipped into the hall and his bare feet moved over the cool tile soundlessly as he sought out a hint as to where he was. This wasn’t good, whatever he was experiencing. There was a sound behind him which had him spinning as he twisted out of the way of a blade. He caught the wrist as he spun into the body to slam his elbow into the smaller being. There was a kick to his abdomen which had him stumbling, Jason rolled when there was a flash of light for him. Jason surged up with fists swinging as he felt a power pushing him as something sang in his blood and it felt like there was a feral darkness in him demanding unleashing, and Jason was never one to hold back. Clocking the kid solidly in the gut Jason snarled as he kicked the sword out of the kid’s hand.

The boy was undeterred though as he fought. Jason blocked, used to taking hits hard than the ones the kid was landing. He threw a hard right catching the kid’s inside and ribs as he knocked the kid into the wall. Jason grabbed the sword, swung it lightly in his hand as he turned around to stab the attacker. Then there was a surge of shadows before him.

White eyes glowed and he staggered as he felt drained. Catching the wall as the sword clattered from his grasp he gasped.

“Raven, I had him!” the boy shouted.

“Shut up,” Raven ordered, and Jason growled as he watched Raven approaching him, he backed away from her. The girl held up her hands, her face impassive again and she softened.

“Hey Red,” she said. He growled, there was something raving, raging, wanting to lash out, and a part of him that demanded he get away. “Jason, remember me?”

“Raven,” he growled.

“Yes, I’m here to help you,” she said evenly.

“Raven what are you doing!” the boy hissed.

“Shut it, I’ve got this, and do not touch that sword,” Raven snapped at the boy as she took another step to him. “Are you hungry?”

“Huh?” he blinked at her.

“Are you hungry, come on, I’ll show you to the kitchen,” Raven said and she offered him a hand. Jason eyed the hand suspiciously before he hesitantly took it and with a strength he would not think the petite girl to have she pulled him up so his arm was wrapped around her shoulders.

“Damian, get Dick, tell him we’re in the kitchen,” Raven said as she walked with him. The boy behind them gaped.

“Who the fuck was he?” Jason muttered.

“Your baby brother, Damian Wayne, son of Talia al Ghul, and Bruce Wayne,” Raven answered as they walked to an elevator and she pressed a button. The doors slid open and she guided him in. Jason released her in favor of being on the wall as he glared at her.

“What the hell?” he growled at her. “What’d you do to me?”

“I’m an empath, I took the Pit’s rage before you could unleash that power and hurt Damian and yourself. Damian is my friend, and your brother, I don’t think you’d want to hurt him,” Raven answered.

“I’d like to strangle you,” he muttered.

“You are free to try,” she said evenly and he glared at the petite girl she just looked back at him with indifference, and he didn’t know if that was maddening or fascinating.

“What… what’s going on?” he whispered again. perhaps this was all some twisted dream.

“I don’t know, yet, but we’re going to figure this out, Jason,” Raven said again.

“And why the fuck should I trust you?” he growled viciously.

“I’d consider you a fool if you did trust me, and you don’t strike me as a fool, Jason Todd. However, I will earn your trust. I’m certain that if I can earn Damian’s I will earn yours,” she said primly.

The doors rattled open. “Come on,” she said as she slung his arm over her shoulders and he leaned on her heavily just to see if she could take it as he allowed her to guide him to a table. He saw a foozeball table set up, and Raven walked over to the fridge.

“Pizza alright?”

“Pizza improves everything,” he muttered.

“True,” she replied as she walked back over to him with a slice, he winced as he took the cold slice and assessed it carefully. Raven rolled her eyes as she picked it up from him and took a large bite before handing it back.

“I didn’t drug it,” she stated. He frowned and grabbed hers’ as he took a large bite of it to annoy her and shoved it back at her.

“Very well, childish but very well,” she said as she sat on the table.

“What’s with the bear on your bed?”

“Teddy,” she clarified. “And he was a gift from Damian,” she said, he noticed the pinkening of her cheeks.

“Oh… so you and this Damian…?”

“Just friends,” she dismissed as she ate her pizza and he took a bit of his. Never had anything tasted so good in his life, aside from maybe a chilidog.

“Uh-huh,” he muttered. The girl was cute, ivory skin, ebony hair, there was a ruby resting on her brow, and her eyes were dark but bright. Her nose was straight, her mouth looked like it neither curled in a smile or frown often, but there was something about the way she held herself which warned him if she was crossed she’d be the most dangerous thing he’d have to contend with. However, she was tiny, long legged, slight build, a set of hips, but she wasn’t built for fighting. If he got close to her he could easily break her and leave.

But a part of him didn’t want to break her, she wasn’t a threat so far. For now he would observe her, assess, and decide from there.

“Raven,” Dick came stumbling down with Damian and a leggy, big pawed puppy trailing after them.

“Good morning Dick, your brother decided it would be wise to attack his other brother,” Raven said.

“Damian!” Dick sighed.

“I am not aware of another sibling father has sired!” Damian snapped back, and Jason took that moment to really assess the boy.

He looked like Bruce, despite the olive skin, the green eyes, and the eye brows. The face was that of Bruce’s, and Jason looked at Dick closely. Same cheeks, same jaw line, the same smile. It had Jason’s eyes narrowing as everything in him went on guard against a possible prank. Or hallucination.

“Damian, this is our brother Jason, he was…” Dick started.

“Dead, I think the word you’re after is dead Dickhead,” Jason spat out venomously as he inched closer to the girl Raven. She’d either be his hostage or his friend, he wasn’t sure which yet. A tiny part of him was hoping for the latter rather than the former.

“Jason, this is Damian, the love child of Talia and Bruce,” Dick said artfully which had Jason frowning at the kid.

“So you’re the street rat who keeps father from letting me work,” Damian hissed.

“Whoa, I did nothing!” Jason countered.

“No fighting, it’s two in the morning, I’m exhausted, you three can hash this out in the morning, good night, I’ll see you in the morning Titus,” Raven said as she stood up and gave the puppy the crust.

“Raven! Those aren’t good for him!” Damian whined. The puppy nudged his hand and gave him the dog ‘I’m starved, never eaten before’ look and Jason handed the pup the crust as he stood up and swiftly followed Raven betting her to be the sanest and safest person to be around. She was also dangerous, of this he was certain as he glared at Dick as he passed. Whatever was going on he had a feeling it was going to take a while to sort out. Jason slipped into the elevator beside Raven then and she sighed.

“Mind if I take the bed?” he asked uncertainly.

“Go ahead, but Teddy is not to be thrown on the ground,” she warned.

“Thanks,” he nodded. The girl nodded and he noted she only came up to his shoulder.

“How tall are you?” he asked.

“Five-four,” she answered. “No, I’m not growing anymore, I’m forever short,” she rolled her eyes in annoyance.

“Huh.”

“Why?”

“Cause I think I was five-six when I died,” he muttered. and Raven tilted her head up.

“You’re not five-six now, I’m guess you’re about five-nine, five-eight,” she said. Jason just blinked, it was odd being taller than her so he had to look down. 

“You were tossed into the Lazarus Pit, you might be expierencing a growth spurt, we’ll call Bruce tomorrow and get this sorted out,” she predicted and he scowled.

“I don’t want to talk to Bruce,” he snarled. “Jason, you’re going to have to talk to him, he’s your father, and Damian’s and Dick’s, he’s here often. You’ll have to talk to him,” Raven said evenly.

Jason bit his lip. Bruce, Dad, he might… he might be able to sort this mess out for him. Jason was still terrified to face Bruce (not Bats, Batman was easy to face, but Bruce). Jason sighed, he’d never really had a father before Bruce, never really had someone before Bruce who cared about him. True he’d had his mom, but his mom also had a love of drugs and didn’t always love him.  Jason’s head fell back.

“Can I trust you?” he murmured.

“Yes,” was Raven’s simple answer as the doors rattled open and he followed her. He noticed then she was in sweats and a hoodie, she looked so… casual.

“I don’t want to be here, I don’t belong here,” he whispered when they walked in her room. the girl turned on him.

“It doesn’t matter, you are here. You are alive. And we’re going to figure this out Jason, it’s just going take a bit, it’s not going to be easy, but we’ll figure this out.”

“Why are you being nice to me?”

“Because I’ve been where you are, I had someone who was nice to me help me out, now I’m helping you out,” she smiled.

“Who was this nice person?” he scowled.

“Damian,” she answered as she walked away.

“You mean King Frowny? He helped you? And was Nice!?” Jason sputtered and tried not to laugh at the idea of that kid being nice.

“Yes, him, and he is nice, there’s a gentle soul in him, same with you, now, rest, we’ll sort this out in the morning,” she said as she picked up a discarded blanket and he watched her curl up in her chair. Reluctantly he walked to her bed and stretched out on it as he lay there in silence for a long moment. Just what the fuck was going on!? He shouldn’t be here! and yet…

He closed his eyes and he trembled as fear sliced through him as he could all but taste the dirt, the soil.