#JAMIE IS TIRED OF BEING BLAMED FOR WEIRD SHIT THAT HAPPENS AROUND HER

[uncxntrxllable]

❝ Because sometimes shit doesn't need to be thrown — you know he's literally a demon, right? ❞

♘ ― ❝ why don't you encourage him? ❞

[kerosene-insomniac]

To Be So Lonely

Pairing: Bakugou Katsuki x Midoriya Izuku

Warnings: alpha/beta/omega dynamics, homosexual behavior, strong language, mature themes, violence, major character death (not bakudeku)

Word Count for Chapter: 1,156 words

Summary: Midoriya Izuku has always wanted to be a musician. Something about the lyric working with a melody to convey his feeling just made his heart race. After his father died when he was three, Izuku has always relied on his mother. She worked two jobs to care for him and always supported his dreams. But when his mother is diagnosed with breast cancer just after he graduated high school, Izuku has to shift his focus. Now he’s working two jobs and takes care of his mother with the help of his gay neighbors.

 In an attempt to learn self-defense, Izuku takes a few classes at a local gym. It’s there that he meets Toshinori Yagi, an older beta who used to be a professional heavyweight boxer. Yagi notices Izuku’s potential and encourages the small omega to eventually go pro. So, in order to make more money, Izuku eventually agrees.

Bakugou Katsuki has only ever wanted to fight. Orphaned as the young age of four, Katsuki has been fighting to live for his entire life. Fighting is all he’s ever known. After fighting underground for a couple years, Katsuki is noticed by Todoroki Enji. The older alpha takes him in at 19 and names him the official successor of his legacy (especially since all of his actual kids hate him).

 Now, Katsuki is 25-years-old and the professional heavyweight champion.

In a whirlwind of events, Katsuki meets Izuku in the unlikeliest of places. He watches the small omega perform and can’t help it feel extremely protective and absolutely enamored with him. The older alpha gets to meet him and say goodbye without even learning the omega’s name. Katsuki isn’t sure that they’ll ever meet again. 

That is, until Katsuki officially meets Izuku at a professional lunch with his manager’s rival.

{OR}

The one where Katsuki is a professional alpha boxer with arrogance issues and Izuku is a stubborn omega that’s way little too reckless with his well-being. 

With a wacky cast of characters (including three idiots, a manly best friend, a traumatized bastard with daddy-issues, and many more) absolutely hell-bent on getting them together, neither men can seem to catch a break

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Chapter Two!! I’ll be making a Master list soon don’t worry lol

{0.2} Most Omegas

“The funny thing about the heart is a soft heart is a strong heart, and a hard heart is a weak heart.”

― Criss Jami

I Z U K U

“You’re late, problem child.”

Izuku winced at the tone in Aizawa’s voice, gently closing the door behind him. The older beta was watching him with narrowed eyes, a cat in one hand and a cup in the other.

He looked as tired as Izuku felt.

Shota placed the cat on the floor and approached Izuku. He checked him over, his eyes still narrowed. “Did you get harassed by alphas again? I told Toshi to walk you home!”

“Dabi tried.” Izuku mumbled, wincing as Shota pinched his cheek.

The beta froze, raising an eyebrow at that. “That Todoroki kid? And what do you mean by tried?”

Izuku huffed, his freckled cheeks a rosy shade of pink. “I had the situation under control, but some alpha decided that he needed to fight for my honor. Then he insisted on walking me home.”

“What’s his name?”

The small omega shrugged. “I have no idea.”

THUNK!!

Shota held a rolled-up magazine in his hands, watching as Izuku squeaked. “You can’t walk home with strange alphas! Where’s your sense of self preservation?!”

Izuku rubbed his head, smiling slightly. “That’s exactly what he said. But I know how to take care of myself, Shota.”

“Then what are those bruises on your neck?”

Shit.

Izuku pulled his hoodie up higher to hide the finger-shaped bruises on his neck. “Dabi had me in a choke hold before Blondie stepped in.”

Shoto narrowed his eyes. “Blondie?”

“That’s what I called him in my head.”

The older beta sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in clear annoyance as he released the small omega. “Remind me to yell at Toshi in the morning. I know that he was out with his boyfriend, but you seem to attract trouble on your own.”

Izuku frowned, pouting slightly. “But Shota-“

“Just go see your mother, problem child. She’s worried.”

The small omega immediately shut his mouth and complied. If his mother was worried, that means she been stressing over his wellbeing. The last thing he needs is for his mother to feel overwhelmed.

Inko was laying down on her bed with a silk bonnet on her head. Her bedside lamp was turned on and a book sat in her lap. She looked exhausted, but obviously trying to stay awake.

It made Izuku’s heart hurt.

“I’m home, mom.”

Inko looked up from her book, her green eyes lighting up at the sight of her son. “Oh thank god, Izuku. I was so worried!”

Izuku smiled reassuringly, effortlessly hiding the bruises on his neck. “You know that Uncle Shota won’t let anything happen to me. Shinsou won’t, either.”

“But you know how I worry, Izu.”

The small omega nodded, glancing around his mother’s room. “Did Hisashi give you your medication? I know that he forgets sometimes.”

Inko nodded, studying her son.

Izuku didn’t notice, obviously preoccupied with checking everything. He counts her medication every night and makes sure that her clothes are set out for the next day. Shota and Hisashi, who had been their neighbors since he was small, always took care of her during the day.

“Did you meet an alpha?”

Izuku froze, his heart racing in his chest. “What makes you say that? You know that I’m too busy for alphas, mom.”

Inko raised an eyebrow. “I can smell him on you, Izuku. His pheromones are all over your jacket.”

“How do you know it’s a ‘he’?”

His mother blinked. “The pheromones are too masculine to be a female alpha. Are you going to tell me about him or not?”

Izuku sighed, carefully sitting on his mother’s bed. “There’s nothing to tell, mom. He offered to walk me home after my shift and I let him. I don’t even know his name.”

“He sounds sweet.” Inko mumbled, making Izuku blush.

The small omega stood again and pressed a soft kiss to his mother’s forehead. “I’m heading to bed. I have training with Toshinori-sensei in the morning before I go to work.”

Inko nodded, weakly hugging her son. “Good night, Izu. Tell Toshinori that I said hello.”

“I will, mom.”

******

K A T S U K I

Blondie…

Katsuki watched with a fluttering heart as the small omega walked inside the building. A large part of him wanted to follow and be absolutely sure that he got home okay, but he knows better than to press.

The red-eyed alpha swallowed thickly and brought his hand to his face. It smelled heavily of the omega, which made his skin flush.

It’s totally not weird that he’s smelling his hand..

It’s perfectly normal.

Katsuki sighed and turned to walk back towards the bar. He had stepped out for a break from the idiots, but that break turned into a whole adventure.

They’re probably worried, though.

As Katsuki passed the alley he had fought Dabi in, he noticed that the scarred alpha was gone. He really shouldn’t be surprised, especially since Touya has always been good at running away from problems.

Katsuki stepped inside the bar again, mentally preparing himself to interact with his drunk extras. They’d probably annoy him with questions.

Like always.

“YEET!”

A beer can flew past Katsuki’s face, immediately making the alpha dodge just in time. Loud, drunk, and incredibly annoying laughter came from his group of idiots. It wasn’t all that surprising.

Kaminari grinned, pointing in Katsuki’s direction. “He’s back! Boom-Boom-Boi has returned!”

Katsuki’s eye twitched as the group erupted in giggles again.

It takes everything in him not to commit homicide.

“I was gone for thirty fucking minutes?!” Katsuki huffed, scowling in Shinsou’s direction. “How much did they drink?”

Shinsou shrugged, acting oblivious as Kaminari played with his hair. “It was tequila, and I lost count after ten shots.”

Mina, who looked the most inebriated, quickly down another shot before pointing at Katsuki. “Don’t act so innocent, Blasty! You were gone as soon as the musician walked off the stage!”

“You’re right, babe.” Kirishima slurred, grinning at Katsuki.

The pink-haired omega giggled, poking Kirishima’s cheek. “I always am! I bet Blasty went and tried to flirt!”

Katsuki scoffed, his skin a slight pink color. “I went out for some fresh air, Racoon Eyes. Nothing else.”

“Then why do you smell like an omega?”

Fuck.

Shinsou sat up straighter at Mina’s words, his eyes narrowing in Katsuki’s direction. “She’s right. Why do you smell like my best friend, Bakugou?”

“Oooh…” Kaminari, Kirishima, and Mina gasped.

Katsuki took a deep breath and tried to calm his frustration. “I was minding my business when I saw your friend being pulled into an alley. I thought that he was with a friend, but heard fighting.”

Shinsou’s frown deepened. “Did you do something?!”

“I’m getting there, asshat!” Katsuki snapped, obviously annoyed.

The red-eyed alpha sighed, rubbing his temples after a few seconds. “By the time I got over there, Touya Todoroki had him pinned against the wall. I kicked his ass, but your friend tried to run away from me.”

Mina squealed, hiccuping a bit. “You’re like his knight in shining armor! How cute!”

“So it was Dabi?” Shinsou looked more relaxed than before.

Katsuki narrowed his eyes, suspicious of the beta’s relaxed demeanor. “Yeah. He was talking about assaulting your friend if I hadn’t showed up.”

Shinsou shrugged, taking a sip of his water.

“I’’m sure he had it handled. I don’t blame him for running from you, though. You’re much bigger than his usual opponents.”

For some reason, this pissed Katsuki off.

It seemed like Shinsou wasn’t worried about his best friend, who is an unrated omega, being assaulted by a random alpha!? Who the fuck is okay with that and thinks the omega can deal with it?!

Katsuki growled, crossing his arms. “What kind of friend are you?! He’s a fucking omega who could��ve been assaulted!”

“Why do you care so much?”

“What don’t you care at all?!”

Shinsou sighed, obviously unaffected by Katsuki’s tone. “I care, but I know that he can handle Dabi. I appreciate that you helped him, though.”

Katsuki clenched his jaw. “So it happens often? He mentioned that this wasn’t going to be the last time he would fight him.”

“As you know, Dabi doesn’t like losing.”

Losing?

Before Katsuki could voice his concerns or say anything at all, Shinsou stood on his feet. Kaminari clung to his side, mumbling bullshit to himself as his boyfriend held him upright.

“We should get them home.” Shinsou murmured lowly, locking eyes with Katsuki. “Denki is crashing at my place. Do you have the lovebirds?”

Katsuki huffed, looking at Mina and Kirishima. “Of course I do. I’m not a shitty person, Eye Bags.”

Shinsou shrugged. “I never said you were.”

“It was implied. I’m not weak.”

The purple-haired beta sighed, sounding exhausted as he looked Katsuki head on. “I meant what I said. Thank you for making sure that my friend was okay. He doesn’t like it when people, especially alphas, help him.”

Katsuki’s head snapped up. “But he’s an omega.”

“Your point?”

The blond alpha furrowed his eyebrows. “I’m sure that he’s had multiple alphas try to court him. He should be used to alpha’s by now.”

Shinsou snickered, already starting to walk away with Kaminari.. “He’s not like most omegas, Bakugou. He has high standards when it comes to courting, and he definitely won’t let an alpha fight his battles.”

“What does that-“ Katsuki started, but Shinsou was already out of earshot.

Fucking figures.

[minervahopebeyond]

Blood Daffodils.

Chapter 14: The letter.

It was a very normal dinner when they had an epiphany about Death’s request, well... actually Padfoot had it but it still counted.

“It could be the Hallows, I mean we have one of them-“ His godfather started to say and his dad sighed with exasperation.

“Not this again.”

“What?” Draco asked curious took a sip from his glass.

“It’s nothing, Sirius always had this stupid idea that the invisibility cloak is the invisibility cloak-“

“The one from the Tale of the Three Brothers?” Ron asked excitedly, his face matching Malfoy’s. And, once again, Hermione and Harry didn’t have the slightest clue about what the rest of them were talking about. Being muggle-raised sucked.

“Where have I read that before...?” Hermione asked, a frown on her face.

“Dumbledore left you a copy of The Tales of Beedle the Bard. It’s from that book.” Draco answered calmly.

Oh, great, so Harry was the only one who didn’t have a clue about what was going on.

“It totally makes sense! Harry, your cloak, the charm never fades... even the best ones get old and don’t work as well as they did when they were bought. Since when has the cloak been in your family, Mr. Potter?” His dad squinted his eyes, trying to calculate.

“That I know of... I guess that my great- grandfather had it and passed it on.”

Draco widened his eyes, an amused smile appearing on his face. Harry loved to see him like this, so in his element. So focused to achieve his goals and so happy when he discovered something useful. Sometimes he had to think about something else in the meetings, because if he paid attention to Malfoy... He started to get this itchy feeling on his lips, wanting to snog the hell out of the boy right in front of everyone.

“Okay, so let’s assume we have the cloak... What else do we have? She said it was two things.” Draco said as he stood up and leaned against the table. He never could be still when he was figuring out something, he always was moving, walking, jumping in his place, his feet’s were always alert, ready to do whatever it was needed at the time. It was one of the things that Harry liked best about the boy.

“If the hallows exist, I want the Elder wand. Imagine having that, we would win for sure.” Ron said, a wishful tiñe in his voice.

“I’m not on board with being murdered for power, thanks. Been there, done that.” Replies his dad, making Sirius’ and Draco’s laughter echoed in the kitchen.

“I think I would want the stone... Jamie is here with me, but Regulus isn’t... It would be nice to tell him that I destroyed the horcrux he stole.”

Okay, Harry was really not understanding anything. He turned to look at Hermione and her face of confusion told him that she didn’t had a clue either. Maybe the name of the tale was familiar but if Hermione Jean Granger wasn’t participating in a conversation, then she most definitely didn’t understand what they were talking about.

Then, Draco widened his eyes and covered his mouth with his hand in astonishment.

“What...?” Harry dared to ask.

“The stone... We don’t have the wand, no one tried to look for it so we don’t have it, but the stone.”

“I think we would know if we had the resurrection stone, little cousin.”

“Would we?” The blond boy had the smug smile that he loved so much and Harry wanted to slam his own face against the nearest surface just to try to get his brain to work properly again. “What did Dumbledore left you three?”

They all answered, a little tired of going over again the same thing that had been buggering them since August: trying to understand what the fuck did Professor Dumbledore wanted with his will. They only figured out the sword so far.

“Why would he leave you his personal copy of The Tales of Beedle the Bard if it didn’t mean anything. Why the snitch?”

“I don’t know, Malfoy. That’s kind of the point. Scrimgeour said that the snitch would open when I’d hold it because it remembers their first touch, but I grabbed it and nothing happened...”

And Draco literally started to laugh saying that they have been so stupid all this fucking time. At this point, Everyone was watching him like he lost his mind (which was possible, Malfoy had been through enough, he wouldn’t blame him for losing it).

“Potter, work with me a little. Think about your first match.”

Harry frowned. He remembered loving every second of it... Except when Quirrel started to curse his broom. He could recall being so obstinate, making every single thing to catch the snitch, even as a first year, even if it was his first match. He remembered reaching out, so close to touching it with his fingers when... Holy shit. He widened his eyes and looked at Malfoy who was grinning like a mad man.

“I didn’t catch the snitch with my hand...” I said, realizing what he meant this whole time.

“You nearly swallowed the thing. I wanted to punch you in the face for that one.” He replied happily and Harry couldn’t help to look at him fondly.

Did Draco think back then that he was cute too? After their fight he had confessed that he found Harry the most attractive bloke in school and, when he heard it, his heart almost came out of his chest.

Take that Nott, he notices me and he likes me the most... At least physically.

What was a little disappointing, was the fact that what Draco thought about how he looked like had nothing to do with his feelings. Harry was glad that the boy found him attractive but, at the end of the day, he wanted for the blond boy to choose him first in every sense... which was not happening.

On Valentine’s Day, he tried to ask Malfoy out on a date. Not that they could go anywhere but his father said that him and Padfoot were having a romantic dinner, so the four of them needed to find another thing to do. Call him naive if you want, but Harry supposed that Ron would want to spend it with Mione alone, that left him and Draco to have a nice time for themselves in his room... And he started to plan it all: which album of Queen they were going to dance to, what would they eat in his room, at what point he was going to kiss him, and just imagining the smell of the daffodils filling his room was enough to put a goofy smile on his face. When Harry suggested to cook some pizza and take it upstairs, he was not pleasantly surprised to find out that Draco had actually planned an evening that included the four of them. At least they got to spend the night together, that was something, right?

“Potter.” Draco said, snapping his fingers in front of his eyes. He blinked repeatedly, as he came back from his thoughts. “Go fetch that Snitch.” He commanded and the green-eyed boy complied.

It turned out that a message appeared if Harry put the snitch in his mouth ‘I open at the close’ Nobody seemed to understand it, Ron only said that he was getting quite tired with Dumbledore’s Riddles. He couldn’t blame him, really.

“So you think that the stone is there, Kid?”

“Yes. Although we can’t do anything until it opens...But at least we know what’s going on... kind of.”

And after they started to assume that the Hallows were real, that one vision that he had about Voldemort torturing Gregorovitch for a wand that he could not find... It was finally starting to make sense. At least, now, Draco and Mione couldn’t be mad at him for letting him into his mind, because they had advantage, they knew what to expect when they would come across him again... Maybe he would carry the Elder Wand with him.

��————————

He was kissing Draco lazily that morning, he loved to do that. He loved to feel like the mornings were an extension from his dreams, this reality where he got to wake up with the blond boy’s arms around him. For a few minutes, he could pretend that this was permanent, that this was the way that he was going to wake up for the rest of his life.

The thing was that Harry had started to have hope, for a multitude of reasons. One being the smile that Draco offered him on these very same mornings, so truthful and warm. Another one being that confession about him being the highest rated boy in the list (yes, he was pretty proud of that). And, on top of everything, they were acting a lot like a couple lately... they would hug more, or kiss more, or hold hands a lot... Ron always had this annoyed expression on his face whenever he saw them together. Harry was aware that he was doing something wrong with Malfoy, he could live without the redhead wearing a scowl constantly on his face.

Draco separated their lips a little bit, just enough so he could talk.

“We should get up, training starts in like half-hour and we haven’t eaten yet.” Harry groaned and kissed him again, biting his bottom lip playfully.

“Or... We could stay here and skip breakfast.” Because, really, he could live without it and this was a much more entertaining thing.

“You can’t skip meals, Potter. We talked about this.”

This was another reason why he was getting hope, Draco was dying he had his own problems, and still, he found time to take care of Harry... To talk about the importance of a good nutrition and to come and spend the night with him whenever he realized that it was almost midnight and Harry wasn’t even attempting to get into his bed. Sleeping was overrated if you asked him, he spent six years of his life sleeping four hours each night and he was doing pretty well. Malfoy didn’t agree with him, though.

“You are such a killjoy.”

“Yes, now get up.”

The day passed by pretty smoothly. There wasn’t anything weird about it, no drama, no tantrums, no Ron and Hermione arguing about stupid stuff, and the more important thing ever: no coughs. None. Not even a small one. Harry seemed to be on Felix felicis again given the fact that he was smiling and skipping around the house from the happiness alone.

That was why it felt like such a punch to the gut to find the parchment on Malfoy’s desk.

They rarely spent time in Draco’s and Ron’s room. Probably because it was difficult to be alone in a room that was shared. The blond boy was in the shower, Ron was downstairs with Mione (he couldn’t go and interrupt them) and he was bored. He actually went into Draco’s room because he couldn’t find one of the vinyls, and since the blond boy tended to hoard as much of them as he could... He guessed that he could go and have a look around.

Now, Harry was regretting to ever had entered the room. His eyes were fixed on the parchment, Malfoy’s beautiful letter displayed on it. He didn’t even read the letter, he couldn’t. It was wrong wasn’t it? But...

Dear Theo:

There was this little voice in his head telling him to read it. That he could keep the secret. He was already biting his tongue to not tell Draco how he felt, and that was hard enough, he could keep this to himself too, couldn’t he?

‘No, Harry. This is awful. It’s private, you can’t. Just turn around and go.’

The boy was starting to hate the high morals that Gryffindor had instilled in him through the years... But to be fair, he never seemed to apply those morals whenever Malfoy was involved. With trembling hands he took the letter and began to read it.

Dear Theo:

I want to tell you so much that I don’t know where to begin. Let’s star with the most important thing, shall we?

The Deathly Hollows are real. Remember when we wanted to become the Masters of Death back when we were like five? I can’t believe that it is something actually possible, my prat of a father always made fun of our ‘childish dreams’ but who laughs now, huh? I have a connection to the other side, I can do the old rituals and I have a quest that has been a petition from Death herself.

I can’t help but to wish that you could be here.

His heart started to hurt. It felt like someone was strangling it. He was so naive wasn’t he?

Harry took a deep breath and resumed his reading, forcing himself to read that same line again.

I can’t help but to wish that you could be here. I know that you would love this, the mystery, the riddles... Even in this very obscure context is unbelievingly fun to try to solve this.

I miss you dearly. We haven’t got to spend any time together this year and I fear that we are not going to... Things are too messed up right now and I don’t have much time left. Potter says that he is going to finish this before June but, honestly, I don’t think that it’s going to happen.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

The tears started to escape from his eyes, he moved away the letter, trying to avoid staining it with his tears.

Please tell me that you are being safe...That you are being as cunning and ambitious as ever (well, tell me in a metaphoric sense of the term because this letter in not going anywhere and you can’t respond to it). When the time comes, I hope that you fight with our side. I really really want you to. I don’t know if that still means something to you but I wanted to tell you.

I had a dream last night, about us.

Harry’s heart stopped working for what it seemed to be ages. Last night? Like... The night previous to this beautiful morning where Draco kissed him for almost an hour? Oh... No coughs... at all. Fuck. How fucking naive he was, thinking that maybe he was the cause of Draco being healthy... It was because of Nott, of course. He let out a sob before continuing reading.

We were together at the beach (it looked like the one from Bill’s and Fleur’s cottage because I don’t know any other beach, clearly), you looked at me and smiled, and when I asked you if you were okay, you answered: ‘Yes... I haven’t been for a while...but I guess that I’m okay now.’ Were you really there? I can’t help but wonder if we really met in that dream... It felt so real, I don’t know how to explain it.

Harry couldn’t stop crying. Wishing that they haven’t met there at all. Even if it was a cruel thing to wish... He didn’t want to think that Draco and Nott met in their dreams because they missed each other so much. Not when the blond boy hugged him in his sleep and not when he woke him up with a kiss.

If it really was you, I’m glad that we got to see each other. At least like this.

Be safe... and try to laugh. It truly was a vision to see you showing off that beautiful smile of yours. You deserve to be happy.

Draco

He heard the water in the bathroom stop running. Harry left the letter where it was and abandoned the bedroom as fast as he could. He couldn’t go back to his room, Malfoy was probably going to look for him after he got changed. And he was crying his heart out. So bloody pathetic.

He changed his direction and started to walk down the hallway to knock on the door of the main bedroom. He heard a ‘come in’ so he opened the door and close it behind him once he was inside. He raised his eyes. Padfoot had a book in his hand and his father was resting his head on the man’s lap, both of them looked at him and froze.

“Harry...?” His dad asked with fear in his eyes.

“Can-“ Another sob escaped his mouth. “Can I stay here? I- I just-“

And he was being pulled into a hug. The nicotine smell was invading his nostrils.

“Muffliato. Please.” He begged, because the idea of Malfoy finding him crying like a little boy in his parent’s arms was embarrassing enough, he didn’t need for it to actually happen. His father complied and gestured for him to sit on the bed with them.

He wanted to scream from the pain. It was so fucking unfair. The tears kept coursing down his cheeks, he had to take off his glasses because it was impossible to see with them anymore, all tarnished from his crying.

“What happened?” Padfoot asked calmly, Harry only shook his head. He didn’t want to tell them. “It’s Draco, isn’t it?” And that only made Harry cry even harder which, he supposed that it confirmed Sirius’ suggestion.

His father tried to ask what was it that Draco had done but his godfather cut him shortly, saying that Harry would talk if he wanted and when he wanted.

After a while, he started to get this painful feeling in his chest. The anguish that got settle inside of him was starting to feel like an overwhelming wave that was crushing every single bone in his body. He needed to speak, he needed to talk to someone.

“He writes to him.” He whispered, his voice weak and thin. “I know I shouldn’t have read it, but I did. He thinks that they met in dreams-“ He said chocking as he let out a sobbing sound. “ Draco spent the night with me and he met in dreams with him. Isn’t that so fucking romantic?”

“Oh, Harry... Hou don’t know what that means for them-“

“He says that he misses him dearly. That he doesn’t believe that I’m going to finish this before June, even though I’m fucking trying” He cleaned his eyes with the back on his hand. “I know it’s really shitty of me but sometimes I wish that he would choose me. And I know that it’s wrong because it’s going to kill him. I fucking know it, but I want it. I want him to write letters to me, I want him to be with me, I want for him to sleep beside me and not think about someone else. I want him for myself and I can’t have that so I take whatever it is that he can give me.”

“I know, Prongslet. I totally get it.” Sirius said as he played his his hair, soothing him. His dad was rubbing his back... It felt so good to have them near. He couldn’t imagine what it would be of him going through all of this without them...

“You know...” His father started to say. “It’s possible to be in love with two people at once.” Oh for fuck’s sake.

“Oh, yeah? Was that what happened to you?” He spat out his response. He knew that it wasn’t fair, much less to his dad and with Padfoot right beside him... But he was just so fucking angry and sad.

“Yes...” His father answered with honesty, Harry could feel the hand of Sirius tense for a second before resuming to run his fingers through his hair. “After school, I kept dating Lily and eventually fell in love. When she got pregnant I asked her to marry me, and then you arrived... There wasn’t a single day where I didn’t love Sirius, though.”

“That’s just sad.” He replied stubbornly.

“Is it? It gave me you... with your beautiful green eyes and your mother’s sass.” He heard Sirius chuckling so he relaxed. Maybe they really talked about this... Maybe it was okay now. “What I mean is that love is a million different things, you always love people differently, even when you are in love. Maybe it’s not going to happen tomorrow but... what if you turn out to be the one who spends the rest of his life with him? Would it really matter if he had Hanahaki for someone else?” Harry groaned.

“You don’t get it. You just don’t. I want for him to love me like he loves him. I know it’s fucking cruel, alright? But I want for him to love me so desperately that he would get the same squeezing feeling around his heart that I have everytime that I imagine them together. At this point, I’m bloody surprised that I’m not the one with the Hanahaki.”

“Okay... Prongslet?” Harry looked up. “How about you tell him how you feel?” He was about to respond but Padfoot cut him short. “I know what you are going to say: he doesn’t love me back and yada yada yada, BUT there is this very” And the man child coughs trying to hide the word ‘huge’.

“Sirius” His dad said in a reprimanding tone.

“What? I was just coughing. Anyway there is this possibility where you are.. you know... wrong.”

“About what? Maybe he has some feelings for me, which I doubt: I was barely mentioned in the letter-“

“Maybe he has THE feelings for you, you bullheaded oblivious very-son-of-your-father Potter.”

“SIRIUS.”

“What, James? They are worse than us! That’s saying something”

Harry started to get up, cleaning the rest of the tears with his sleeve and putting his glasses on.

“Hey, where are you going?” His father asked as soon as he started to walk to the door.

“Away from you. I don’t need you to give me hope when I know that I’m going to end up heartbroken.”

And he was closing the door behind him when he heard Padfoot yell.

“You know who said the very same thing at Grimmauld??” But whatever he was about to say was interrupted by him slamming the door.

———————-

Later that night, Harry found himself alone in his room and looking at the ceiling. His head was filled with images of Malfoy and Nott together at the beach, smiling to each other...

‘Potter says that he is going to finish this before June but, honestly, I don’t think that it’s going to happen.’

The thing was that he really wished to have a shot at being with Draco. That could only happen if they finished this on time and after they destroyed the locket, they were pretty stuck. The only clue that they had was Bellatrix...

They needed her wand to get to inside of the vault. What could they do? Steal it? They needed to be near her for that... Malfoy Manor was the place were the Death Eaters meeting were being held, he knew that because Draco told him, maybe if they infiltrated that Manor, they could get the wand... Or even her hair, with how much polyjuice Malfoy and Mione had brew in the last months they could do whatever they wanted.

But if they went inside of the Manor, Draco wasn’t coming with them. Not in a million years. Harry feared how his family would react if they saw him. Sirius and dad weren’t an option either, much to his dismay, someone needed to stay here with the blond boy and take care of him... And even if everything went wrong and he wouldn’t get to come back from this one, they would take care of him and Draco could be with Nott without Harry being in the middle of it all. He could actually let them be happy...

He needed to talk to Hermione and Ron about this. He just hoped that they would agree with him.

Sometimes being the good and selfless Chosen One sucked.

[popculturebuffet]

Jake Reviews Stuff: Bojack Horseman: Horay Todd Episode! (Plus a little bit on girls with slingshots)

Happy final day of pride month everybody! It’s been a hell of a ride.. and not just because the current landscape of the globe feels like hell right now, And to close it out we’re taking a look at an often overlooked segment of the queer community in media: Asexuality. I first learned about asexuality from the web comic girls with slingshots, because I love comic strips as much as comic books and because mainstream media tens to be really bad about telling people about diffrent facets of the lbtqa+ community, proven by the fact It took me till 2010, 18 years into my existince, to learn trans people existed from the long running candian teen drama Degrassi, birthplace of candian rapper Drake despite his damndest attempts to make people forget that, and a show that actually tackled the subject really well and the horrible shit trans people have to put up with, especially at Adam’s age. I also bring it up to apologize for a lack of trans representation of this pride as I scratched my head trying to think of some.. only to forget “oh yeah that really damn good rocko special from last year exists and has been sitting there all month dumbass” as I was writing this. I’m truly sorry and will try to get a review of static cling out sometime in june as an apology. 

Back to Girls with Slingshots though because like with degrassi I want to give it genuine props and a talk here both for teaching me about it and being really good at queer representation in general. We actually meet the comic’s Ace representivie Erin, a shy 19 or 20 year old, when lead and professional dumbass Hazel hired Erin to find out who was dating her friend Jamie.. turns out

Given Jamie had only been dating men up to this point, and her one time with a woman lead to her assuming she wasn’t bisexual,  when Jamie TRIED to tell Hazel what was going on Hazel, being kind of a dim, assumed it was an aaron and Erin decided rather than just you know, show up and let the the hamster in hazel’s brain slowly figure it out to do this. 

Why yes that is a tiny asexual wearing the most transparent graucho marx-ish disguise ever. And why yes Hazel absolutely falls for it and even when Erin outright takes off the disguise it still takes Hazel a good minute to connect the dots. And why yes, this strip is awesome and is worth taking a large amount of time to talk about in an almost entirely unreatled article, more than i’d planned really. But eventually things hit a snag: the two TRIED having sex before Erin left to go to school in london.. and given i’ve out and out admited she’s asexual, you can guess it went badly, with Jamie feeling bad it was so uncomfortable and didn’t talk to her until visting her in london, where the two patched things up: They still loved each other, Erin was simply asexual and Jamie realized she was biromantic.  However this didn’t mean Jamie herself was asexual.. and to Corsetto’s credit she actually fully dealt with this. After Jamie accidently became a meme while complaning about how horny she felt, the two had an honest talk about it, with Erin revealing she was perfectly fine if Jamie hooked up with dudes to satisfy her needs. It was a nice compromise and one of the first times I also learned polyamory wasn’t just something some weird asshole on tv did where he forced three women into what looked like an utterly miserable situation. What i’m saying is polgamy isn’t the same as polyamory and sister wives is objectively terrible and i’ve only seen minutes of it. 

In fact the current daily reprint is up to this storyline and has Erin wing womaning for her girlfriend. And yes I do acknowledge this won’t be a solution for EVERY couple, everyone is diffrent.. it was really nice to show a relationship between two people of diffrent and wildly underrepresented sexual orentations that , rather get into a depressing thunderstorm over something like this, talk it out like adults and work out a resonalbe solution. Hence why I took several paragraphs of something else entirely to get into it. If you want more , check the strip out here. 

https://www.girlswithslingshots.com

Okay now that plot cul de sac is out of the way, though I don’t regret a minute of it, you see the problem: Girls was the exception not the role and media wise, has a small but loyal fanbase. Big shows just didn’t really get that asexuality existed. But then one decided:let’s go let’s do this... so now i’ve talked about something else entirley for a good few paragraphs let’s talk about Bojack horseman Bojack Horseman is, like SU last time, one of the best shows of the last decade animated or otherwise. And like Steven, and adventure time before steven, it changed the game on what a genre of animation could do. See while Animation was going thorugh another renicssance in the 2010′s, it was mostly on the kids side for the first half.. Adult Animation was...

While there were good shows,after all Archer is a child of the 2010′s, bob’s burgers premired shortly after, and venture bros was, and still is, goin.. they were the exception. Family Guy was devloving from a really funny show to a horrible, unfunny mess that was and probably still is the television equilvent of screaming racist and offensive things just to piss people off and thus get attention and Adult Swim hit a slump, with several great shows like metalocalypse slowly leaving, and most that was left were garbage like Mr.Pickles. It .. wasn’t a great time. 

But around half way two shows changed things and most adult animation stood up and took notice; Rick and Morty, which while i’m not as much of a fan these days was and still to some small degree is a really funny show while also having a deeply complex and deeply deconstructed lead. And around the same time. we got Bojack.  As you probably know, Bojack was the tale of Bojack Horseman, a former 90′s sitcom star who starred in Horsin Around, basicaly fully house if uncle joey adopted orphans with bits of other tgif shows mixed in. Also he’s a horse and this world has a mixture of humans and various anthropormphic animals. And they dont’ shy away from that either and use that for a LOT of great jokes. Anyways Bojack is now a washed up asshole whose done tons, and as the show goes on continues to do, terribe things to get where he was, and is now trying to hang on to the scraps of his career. Around him are Princess Caroline, a pink cat and his agent and ex-girlfriend who wants a real realtionshpi , a baby and her career to go somewhere, Mr. Peanutbutter, Bojack’s dim aquantince who was on a ripoff show (which only PB seems not to get and is even called “Untitled horsing around ripoff project” at first in a flashback) and is really nice but also really bad at reading people, Diane, PB’s wife for most of the series who soon becomes bojack’s friend when she’s hired to do his autobigoraphy, and today’s subject, Todd, a 20 something cloudcuckoolander who crashed on Bojack’s couch after a party, and just.. never left since Bojack thought todd was kicked out for being gay and brought him in for brownie points (he was just lazy), and then despite insulting Todd constanlty kept him around because he was crushingly lonely and before Diane, had no other friends.  There’s obviously more to it. more evolutions but as the episode title shows, today’s ep is all about Todd, so we’ll be focusing on what he’s been up to: Todd spent most of the first two seasons just kinda.. bouncing around. Whlie the a-plots could be more serious, most todd plots were wacky palette cleansears, from him ending up in jail and trying to court two gangs at once like it was that one episode of family ties every sitcom sense has copied, made a giant copy of his own head over months, or started a safe cab company for women that somehow ended up as stripper cabs. Season 3 however added more weight: Bojack’s various slights against Todd were piling up, and he was starting to get tired of it, the straw that broke the camel’s back coming when Todd’s ex emily, who todd failed to sleep with because he didn’t want to but, not knowing what an asexual even was, couldn’t comincate with it and bojack having a really bad track record of thinking with his dick.. you can kinda see what happened.

Finding out much later, after Bojack used emily telling him not to as an easy way out of telling him and both were kinda stupid with that, and Todd eventually found out something happened.. but when Bojack tells him it was sex, Todd is genuinely suprised and had, for the last time expected better of him. Really Todd is a great deconsturction of the wacky sidekick in shows like this: the often abused optimist oppisite of the pesmist asshole protaganist. But here it shows.. that can only go on  so long. You can only treat a person like dogshit so many times before they grow tired of you and as Todd prepares to move out and bum around somewhere else we get one of the most iconic, and best, scenes in the series as Todd unloads on bojack after the horse tries apologizing.. couched in excuses. 

“It’s you bojack, it’s alwasy eben you” This scene hit like a truck, not just due to Aaron Paul absolutley killing it, but because as someone with a bad habit, even sometimes falling back into it, of justifying why I did something bad afterwords or blaming other people for far too long, if not NEARLY to the extent bojack did, it resonated. Sure those kinds of things may have LEAD you to the things you do but sometimes, your just doing shitty things and no amount of reason for it makes it okay. And it was a bold step to take: while the two talked on occasion and their friendship KINDA regrew, it never REALLY recovered from this. Things didn’t go back in the bottle. Bojack lost one of his best friends as his friend.. they were in the same orbit but it’d never be the same.  Todd did eventually tell Emiliy what he was dealing with and Emily told him what he was, and Todd started crashing on mr.peanutbutter’s couch because, unsuprisingly, the two eventually became close friends. So with Emily out of the picture, while she liked todd she needded sex and neither of them thought of an open relationship, that’s where we find Todd, grapling with his asexuality while getting into his usual wacky misadventures, which hadn’t and would never stop, as evidenced by the horrifying sex robot he created to try and please emily in a later season. So with all of that FINALLY out of the way. we can finally dig into horay todd episode after the read more. Because while i’m going to try doing that less to get more readers.. this episode is giant just at the introduction and is a half an hour long. 

We open with an orchestra, nervous Todd won’t show up for his solo.. because of course Todd’s a regular part of an orchestra now. He shows up in time to do his bit on the triangle, cheers all around

Att the bar, the various musicians wonder just who Todd is. Was in a prison gang? (Yes two in fact as stated above) A foreign prince?? ( He looked just like one and they swapizesd for an episode), a tech billionare? (For all of five minutes) Or is he both?... there isn’t a both here I don’t know why I did that. However the conductor roars in, he’s a lion, .. and it’s keith david everybody!

As you can probably wager Keith David is a faviorite of mine, one of the best voice actors around, a fantastic live actor, and just all around awesome dude.. and still pretty damn hot at 64. And while this is a minor role, ANY time keith david shows up is cause for celebration and I honestly forgot he was in this, so it was a nice suprise. 

We then find out how the two know each other, with the conductor calling Todd “The most giving man he’s ever known.” Accurate. Todd once saved his pregnant daughter from a shipwreck carrying her on his back, delivered said baby on a piece of driftwood then circumcised said baby while hanging from a rescue copter.. and also had a spirited but respectful debate before hand about how circumcion had fallen out of vouge, with them eventually deciding on it since the lions are jewish and she’d like the option for the baby to join the relgion if he so chooses when they grow up. Which is both a great gag and a nice nod to circumcisons not being popular these days, and makes todd even awesome. I mean not every man would not only be repsectful when talking to a mother about this, but do so while hanging from a helicopter. Also props to the old timey paperback illustrations, which doubly sell the sudden debate bit. It’s something I love the show: while it’s one of the most depressing in existance, it’s also god a wonderfully goofy sense of humor that helps ballance things out.  The conductor then explains todd later filled in last year when their triangle player died after getting his foot stuck in his triangle, another good one, but worries about todd and just how MUCH the man gives and wishes sometimes to see him not there when his part comes up, to see Todd give for himself. Then of course Todd spoils the move by coming out drenched in water with greasy hands, having tried to wash taco stains off his shirt, but then got greasy hands from said taco he ewa sstill holding and being trapped in a bathroom for an hour. That’s Todd in a nutshell: He can be legendary, selfless and utterly helpful or insightful one minute, and somehow get trapped in a hallway for an entire episode the next. That.. actually happened in case you either didn’t know or entirely forgot. Cue Credits.. a FIRST for this show suprisingly. Given most shows i’ve done are 11 minutes the credits usually happen before the show and I just forget to talk about them. I”ll breifly say the credits for Bojack are exellent and I love how they evolved and changed as each season wore on, and give the team kudos for doing what most shows just simply won’t or can’t do in western animation.

We’re at the peanutbutter residence, where PB is in the middle of his political campagin, working with his controlling and assholish ex wife katrina, and Todd gives him some pocket cheese to help but get’s shoed off and works on breakfast in the background with a giant egg for some reason. Probably because all animals are sentient here. And yes they explained how they still got meat. Anyways, Diane is annoyed that Katrina wants PB to decide if he’s for or against fracking based on public approval, insstead of you know just.. being against it because it’s wrong. She’s STILL better about it than that one episode of last man of earth I watched where the straw man liberal asshole argued with the consertaive asshole lead over a pothole they had and refused to just let his son belivie god exists because it calmed him down and in the next one forcibly dressed said son up as coal to mock his future mother in law because he’s as bad as the lead character, because this show is miserable and Ryan is what the writers apparently think a liberal is.  Anyways as this goes on we see Todd.. pulling his weight. He packs diane a lunch, leaves it by her purse as she gets ready to go to work, makes said giant egg into an omlette for pb and sets up a nice breakfast complete wtih his medication hidden inside because dog. We see that despite crashing there Todd has grown from where he was and is now making sure to actively contribute to the house as thanks for letting him stay. Anyways PB needs his glasses to take them off to seem sincer because he left htem at princess carolyn’s, she also represents Peanut Butter, Todd and Diane. Todd heads off, though dosen’t sign for a package as he once ended up with cremated remains, or cremains as he calls them and I now will, over it because of course he did and heads off while a mysterious horse in a trench coat watches... more on her in a bit.

At Carolyn’s agency , PC annoynces “it’s todd” with todd giving back an excited it’s me... he should enter the room like that every time. It really fits. Anyways, it turns out PC needed him for help with actress Courtney Pourtnory, whose in femalecentric Taken spinoff ms.taken, which i’m shocked wasn’t an actual movie. There’s also a lot of tounge twisting puns which as always Amy Sedaris flawlessly delivers and that i’ll miss now the show is gone. Anyways Courtney isn’t seen as relatable so PC goes with the oldest trick in the book: have some normal guy date the celebrity to see them as relatbale and well todd’s on retainer. Todd is reluctant, less so due to his  asexuality and more because he’s not only already busy with the sunglass errand, but has a meeting tonight. intresting. But PC ensures todd it’s no trouble and they can just do lunch for the paparazzi and todd does like the idea of having his picture taken. “It’s proof I exist.” It’s the same reason I hate having mine taken. It’s proof I still exist and this hell year hasn’t ended yet. 

Back at the campagin unsuprisingly what todd didn’t sign for was important and Katrina just tells him to sign for Pb next time, which is like giving a dog a play bone that also has a dart full of poison that shoots out of it into the rest of the living room. There’s no way this ends well and you should know that. So Katrina asks him to dance a little sidestep on the issue instead. 

This movie is eh but this musical number is awesome and I will use it at any opportunity. Rest in peace Charles Durning. It helps it’s still relevant as hell for both sides of the isle. Anyways Todd signs a letter to the state goverment because again, telling todd to do something without even remotely thinking about it is like giving a baby a boomerang loaded with nitro glcyerne, but soon gets cloroformed by our mysterious viewer. “And down goes todd. “.. said by todd himself because of course he did> God bless this man and aaron paul’s performance.  “And up comes todd!” .. whose, not suprisingly, apparently been drugged and/or knocked out enough to have a catchphrase for these situations. After grabbing a pool skimmer for defense because you know a stranger just kidnapped him, the stranger calms him down and introduces himself: And this is where we properly meet Hollyhock..  Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson-Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack which I copied directly from the wiki because this review is already running long and running behind, and I don’t want to spend an hour trying to copy that from the episode itself. The nightmare of a name, which is a running gag is because she was adopted.. by 8 gay men in a polyamours relationship. And one of them is apparently related to launchpad. 

Anyways Hollyhock, who called at the end of last season to no answer, thinks Bojack might be her dad and thus bought a spy kit to figure out. And used the cholorform, if apologizing for it because once you’ve got it you can’t not use it. Todd is unsuprised by both things; As bojack hilariously but horrifyingly put it his penis was like sun dried tomatoes in the 90′s: it was on everything, and Bojack himself had that kit, mostly using it on himself because of course he did. She tracked down Todd because Todd was in Bojack’s book as his roomate. Todd explains they no longer live together and Bojack has been missing, long story there though we do know where he was due to the last episode, but since Hollyhock really dosen’t need to meet him just wants his dna to find out if he’s related or not, so Todd suggest sher house. Time for more cloroform!

At Bojack’s place Todd wonders where to find a hair, since most ladies Bojack is with understandably shower afterwords only for Holly to find one.. and a sleeping unconcious clearly spiraling once again Bojack. Todd lament siwth an oh bojack: just because he’s mostly done with the guy dosen’t mean he still dosen’t care. Todd’s still a good guy and still dosen’t want to see his former friend go through this for the 80th time... he’s just done being the one to be there for him through it and that’s understandably.  Hollyhock yanks a hair which does nothing to wake him, unsuprisingly, but the mention of “blowing this place” makes Bojack wakes up as he thinks people has blow. it’s also telling that he’s worried Todd’s going to yell at him again and that he’s clearly stills marting from his understandable telling off. Todd is force dto make up an excuse since Hollyhock VERY understandably dosen’t want to tell him the truth, and Todd lightly rebuff’s bojack’s attempts to be pals again.. given he hasn’t really changed, it’s understandable. Also Hollyhock cloroforms him to get out of BOjack asking more questions and sends todd to take the dna to a place. Todd heads to  a 1 hour dna testing lab, because of course there’s one this is LA. But without Hollyhock’s dna they can’t do it but the guy says to come back with it in an hour after he’s done with lunch.. which gets Todd to realize OH SHIT I HAVES A DATE and he runs off. The fact he DIDN’T actually say that is a suprise. 

At the date Courtney transparently breaks up with Todd for publicity as Todd is utterly confused, before getting reminded about hollyhock. This scene just kind of happened so have the first gif I find typing “David Byrne” into gif search. 

Back at Bojack’s house all Hollyhock’s done is snoop around, finding Bojack’s box of bad reviews of other people’s sitcoms because of COURSE he has that, eat a full box of donuts and take a nap.. given the simliiarity todd isn’t sure they need that test. Hollyhock naturally refuses and just wants to use todd’s hair but since the dna guy said that don’t work, they find some in her comb. Todd however has to cover for the earlier Maid excuse he gave bojack, nice bit of foreshadowing there, and cleans up the house while Hollyhock sits around. I know she’s not his daughter, still related but still and even I’m having a hard time beliving the truth.  No sooner than does Todd put out that fire, than things get worse; Naturally the signutre was for pro fracking and while Katrina is pissed, not fairly as again, it’s like she handed a baby a shot gun for tots that make sa funny noise when you pull the trigger and is suprised that he shot up the couch. Anyways PB is understandabily more worried his wife will be upset he has to support fracking now, and Todd untietionally offers to distract her from the media while Hollyhock takes a nap because she feels.. really diffrent early on. While parts of her horseman traits would remain here she’s far less friendly or helpful than she would be later on in this half of the episode. it’s not BAD as sometimes it takes an episode or two for a character to properly become what their like for the rest of the series, it’s just WEIRD. Like Red Green’s monotone in early Red Green Show episodes it just feels.. off. 

Todd rushes off to Girl Croosh, the click baity blog diane works for because I forget when things happened sometimes, where Todd is doing the most todd distraction possible: Telling diane to look at him while he dances. Which to Diane’s shock has been going on for 45 minutes. 

Diane’s boss Stefani comes in voiced by the wonderful Kimiko Glenn who I admited to loving as a voice actress, and having a crush on back in my first close enough review and still stand by. She’s wonderful. Stefani berates diane for not being clickbaity enough, other plot for this season etc etc next todd crisis.  Princess Carolyn is annoyed they didn’t get a picture of courtney with todd.. even though she left first but this eems to be the “blame todd for things that are either not his fault or you should’ve expected by talking to him for five minutes” episode. Anyways PC says to be at the shark jacob’s fashion show in 30 minutes, and Diane bemoans trying to get people to pay attention to the world sucking. Todd shows some more competence and actually gives her a good metaphor: When mr.peanutbutter dosen’t want to take his pill, as I expected, Todd disgusied it.. though in the cheese. Just do that: put some hot goss around the rest of it. Todd, to keep her away from the computer with a literal headline that reads “Mr.Peanutbutter supports fracking and hasn’t told his wife yet”, because this show is amazing, makes up a story about Channing Tatum having an illgitamte daughter and gives her the testing hairs. The theme of this scene, and the episode really is that people underestimate todd: understandably the man got lost in a bathroom at the top of this episode and refused to sign a package because of past shenangians... but because of that they fail to see that todd is .. actually really compitent, insightful and caring. IN this one scene he actually suceeds in his mission in the dumbest, toddest way possible, then on the fly kills two errands with one stone while also giving Diane genuinely good advice. But the big question the episode poses is.. what does TODD want at the end of the day and just how much of this “doing everyones shit for htem” should he take?   

As Todd passes a sheep with a wonderful “The end of the wool is coming’ sign, he sneaks into the fashion show.. we also see a background model bird smoking that I SWEAR is a protytpe for tuca, just with a diffrent bodytype and a more aloof, supermodely face. Though if this is the same universe it could just be a sister of hers. It’s not out of the realm of posiblity. And yes I will defintely be talking Tuca and Bertie at some point, especially once it comes back next year. Being todd he ends up walking the runway instead, and it goes poorly, but Todd telling them that fashion shouldn’t be elitest somehow works and he become a hit. Also Tim Gunn is there as himself, beacause this show liked to mix animal versions of celebrites iwth the real ones, and sometimes had the real ones voice the animal versions of themsselves. Todd also gets a call from Diane: it’s a match. ALso I forgot Todd’s wonderful ringtone which is him , to the opening of that one betooven song going “todd todd todd TODD!” Magical Back at the horseman residence, Bojack’s sent hollyhock to go thank channing tatum for collecting his mail and goes through all the mail that piled up while he was MIA. He’s also wallowing about his miss opprtotunites, some involving pottery barn. He’s suprised by PB’s governor run, with Todd countering that of course he knew he’s been around and when Bojack asks how Diane feels Todd shoots that down right away and insists he just ask her himself, and again counters; Does she even know he’s back? Bojack insists he’s no tready, and he’s only told Todd he’s back.. and his various drug guys, channing tatum, and hollyhock. But not his inner circle. And given he and PB tend to not mesh well, though it is getting better at this point, he ruined things with Todd, he dropped PC for entirely warranted reasons.. Diane really IS the only person he has to call and he’s likely afraid of disapointing her. He then tells Todd to friend break up with channing tatum, with todd thinking his speech was about him and being understandably disapointed. I also like Todd’s attiude here: he’s done just.. taking Bojack’s shit and isn’t going to stick around for it and only really agrees to go to channing tatums because Hollyhock’s over there and he needs to tell her. 

Todd goes over and lies to hollyhock after warning her BOjack might not be readyf or a daughter and Hollyhock expresses her own doubts. Then diane shows up and Todd’s force dto play being channing tatum so they both don’t get arrested for trespassing. Diane confronts channig with her thoughts he’s the father, which hollyhock instnatly realizes exactly what that means, but relents on doing so, not wanting to be that kind of journalest and ruin someone’s life for her own benefit. Todd gives her a pep talk and she accepts it’s him because it’s what she thinks channig tatum would say and leaves with a cheery “love half your movies. Hollyhock meanwhile has fled, obviously upset and before Todd can deal with THAT, he gets another call, clearly tired at this point as am I as i’m not only not used to reviewing 22 minute shows anymore, let alone 30 minute ones, but I have a ticking clock due to my own procastination. She once again gets mad at him, this time a bit more understandably, and Todd darts off to meet courtney. 

The two talk, and Courntey is dressed like todd only her hat is 50 dollars.. and that’s a hella don’t... I miss Macklemoore. Anyway, Courtney opens up about being seen by everyone but not being seen at the same time.. which todd relates to even if courtney can’t fathom someone having the same feelings, but admits it’s nice to talk about it while Todd laments about his meeting, worrying h’es not ready yet. That what if it goes badly? What if the idea of something is better than the truth. I realate both due to my anxiety proving that and because as a comics nerd and general nerd, that’s happened more times than I can count, both with legendary stories that turned out to not be very good or something I really looked forward to turning out to be a mess, like It Chapter 2, or Zoolander 2, or Secret Empire or.. point is Courtney does relate to that and prefers fiction and the paparazzi, the same ones who tailed bojack for multiple episodes in season 1, eat it up with Courtney announcing their engagment iwth todd responding with “Horay i’m confused!”... that’s me all day everyday buddy. 

Todd goes back to Bojack’s to find Hollyhock, and being a good friend even to someone who certainly dosen’t deserve it at this point, tells Bojack the truth.. which he reflexvley denies before Todd admits she didn’t want to tell him and Bojack. understands and once again piles pity on himself. 

We then get the scene that got me to review this in the first place.. thanks asshole! All jokes aside, the two have an honest conversation: Bojack, while not outright saying sorry admits all he does is hurt people and he slept with the one person he ever saw todd be in love with... given it’s hard for him to give out a genuine apology, it’s still a good moment as it shows Bojack, even if he screws up constantly, is really apologetic about destroying their freindship. That part also shows WHY it was wrong: Sure todd couldn’t and wouldn’t sleep with her.. but it dosen’t change the fact Bojack SHOULDN’T have , knew what he was doing, did it anyway and then never told him. 

He continues with it though after todd wonders if he’s evne allowed to love. , saying he got more of Todd than he deserved, and all the guy asked for was a roof over his head and the ocasional smore in a baquet, and tells todd he didn’t deserve him and he really appricated him. This.. actually gets Todd to open up and he comes out as Asexual to bojack which after making it clear it means he’s not a sexual deviant, dynamo or what have you, a great wordplay gag, that he’s just not sexual.. Bojack.. shockingly and to Todd’s suprise dosen’t think it’s weird like he expected, but is thrilled and honeslty wishes sometimes he was asexual and we get what I consider to be the best joke of the seris.  Bojack; Maybe then I wouldn’t have A strain of herpes Todd; You have multiple strains Bojack: I know, it only works with the A.  Todd feels.. good.. while i’m not Ace myself I am bisexual and both times i’ve come out, first to my mom and a few friends, then to the rest of the world this month on facebook, it felt.. freeing. To not have to worry or hide no more.. to just be who you are.. and it feels.. good to Todd. While Bojack tries to slide back into friendship since todd isn’t mad about Emily anymore, Todd gently stops him: It wasn’t just here, as I made clear earlier, he’s not ready to be his friend again.. but hes ready to be more than NOT friends. While their freindship won’t be the same anymore, as Todd makes painfully clear.. Todd gives him a genuine i’t’s good to see you as he leaves. Again he may not LIKE the guy anymore and understandably dosen’t want to be the only person he can count on in bojack’s life... he still wants the guy to be okay, which the fans could probably relate to the whole damn series; Being fed up with his bullshit and TERRIBLE TERRIBLE actions, but wanting him to be better already. The door rings.. and it’s HOllyhock. We MIGHT get to that another time, but for now we close out Pride, and todd’s tale as todd goes to his meeting... which as it turns out...

While there is still more miles on Todd’s journey, ending his sham engagement set up here, a failed relationship and a sucessful relationship at the end of the series, not to mention reconcliation with his family... Todd takes an important step and takes what he wants, finding his people and being proud of who he is.. and that’s sometimes the best and hardest step. And we get a nice button on the framing device as Todd misses his solo for the first time, to the conductors delight. The End. 

Final Thoughts: This was a really good rewatch.  While not AS heavy as some other bojack episodes, it still has plenty of good character work, moving along or setting up several plots for the season without any of it feeling forced whlie giving Todd added depth in his coming out story. Todd still dosen’t fully understand what his asexuaity is and is scared to be open with it.. but that beautiful scene above is what makes the episode work as is the ending right after: By finally telling someone he knows, and by being accepted by the last person he’d expect to not only understand what Todd is but embrace it.. he can finally find others like him to help him through it and finally find something for himself after giving so much to everyone else while asking nothing in return.  That’s also a nice bit of deconsturction here... while Todd’s happy to help we do ssee bouncing from storyline to storyline actually wears on him and that sometimes it’s tiring being the guy everyone assumes has nothing but time for htem. It’s a nice development and Aaron Paul does it beauitfully and I do stand by HIS casting, as unlike with Allison brie where they knew diane would be an vitamese woman and cast a white woman anyway, though to Ralph-Paul’s credit, he’s throughly apologized for this and Allison Brie herself recently also apologized for it personally in the wake of the recent black lives matter lead call to not have white actors voice People of Color anymore. Also props to Jenny SLate for, if a bit late , still leaving big mouth for the last two seasons and apologizing herself among with any other actor or actress whose dropped a role as a POC when their white. It’s a good trend. But here.. I get why they didn’t try and get rid of Aaron Paul. It was probably hard enough to get executives to give a shit about Ace representaation enough to let htem do it, adding “firing a big name draw to replace him wiht a likely no name” was probably a bridge too far and sadly, sometimes you have to pick your battles, and they picked getting to have an ace character at all and to Aaron Paul’s credit he’s been an Ace ally ever since. HOpefully in the future we will get more ace chracters and more ace actors and actresses playing the part, but every journey begins with a sigle step and this storyline was a huge one.  But overall the episode is truly fantastic, a highight in a series full of amazing episodes and it was a good note to go out on for this month. I won’t stop doing LBGTQA reviews obviously, and I should’ve added the a way sooner, but it’s been fun doing them and i’ve been proud too. Some have been better than others but the better one shave been some of my best work. So as we live in uncertain and stupid times, stay safe , black live matter and your all beautiful. I have other stuff in the works; a full steven unvierse arc, regular coverage and of course that “sorry I was a moron” static cling review, but until then, I love you all and i’d like, if I may, to close on a song... not by me obviously my singing voice is “sorta adaquate I guess’ at best. 

[retrocelly]

Brother’s Best Friend

Summary: Being the youngest sister of Jamie and Jordie Benn has many perks, including being introduced to their attractive friends. When you and Tyler Seguin start dating, it’s hard to find the right way to tell Jamie - well, unless he finds out on his own.

You hadn’t meant for it to happen - neither of you had. When you first met Tyler, it was because Jamie had brought you to practice. You’d sat on the side of the ice, slightly bored, having been raised on hockey. Tyler had looked over at you with curious eyes at first, which turned into flirty glances. By the end of practice, Tyler was itching to get your name. So when Jamie brought you onto the ice and introduced you as his “baby sister,” Tyler’s heart dropped.

It was a few years, a couple dozen charity events, and too many days off later when Tyler finally got tired of just being your brother’s friend. Still, he didn’t want to face Jamie, or god forbid Jordie, to tell them that he had the hots for their youngest sibling. When he asked you out, it hadn’t surprised you, but when he urged “don’t say anything to your brothers yet,” you were shocked. It took a while, but you understood the difficult place that Tyler was in, and you figured that you wanted to decide if this could be a serious relationship before announcing it to the family anyway.

For the following 5 months, you’d been much more eager to go visit Dallas, as well as more eager to attend practices and games. Jamie noticed. He also noticed that Tyler had been more careful around him. He wasn’t going home with any random girls, he wasn’t poking as much fun at Jamie, and he was eerily curious about Y/N. But still, Jamie didn’t put two and two together. Because of course, one of his best friends wouldn’t go behind his back with his sister, right?

In fact, you and Tyler were head over heels. You FaceTimed and called one another as often as you could. When you and Tyler were in the same town, you snuck secret dates in whenever possible. It was nearly a month ago when Tyler had first told you that he loved you, a sentiment which you gladly returned. The two of you had even talked about you moving to Dallas, after all, you’d known Tyler for years, and the relationship was moving quickly in the best way possible. You then decided that it was time to make your relationship public.

You had just landed in Dallas, ready to attend your first Stars game as not only Jamie’s sister, but Tyler’s girlfriend as well. You and Tyler planned on telling Jamie after the game, hoping that the Stars would win so that he would be in a good mood. You’d already told your parents and Jordie, all of whom took it surprisingly well. Tyler had let the news slip to a few players, but they knew to keep their mouths shut unless they wanted a very tense season.

You found your seat in the bleachers, calming your nerves for the night ahead. As the game started, everything was looking up. The Stars got on the board early, and Tyler even got an assist. You settled into your roll as cheering squad, Jamie got another on the board, and things were going well. Down on the bench, however, things were about to take a turn.

“That was a beauty, Chubbs!” Tyler beamed, giving his friend a pat on the back.

“Thanks Segs,” Jamie replied, “y’know you’ve been really nice to me recently.”

Jamie let out a chuckle and Tyler was about to dispute the statement when Radulov scoffed.

“I’d be nice too if I were banging the Captain’s sister.” Raddy laughed, Klinger hit his shoulder, and Jamie and Tyler froze.

“You what?” Jamie spoke, his voice low. If there wasn’t a game going on, Tyler was sure that Jamie would drop his gloves.

“Jamie,” Tyler started cautiously, “can we talk after the game?” Tyler was sure that he’d turned white as a ghost, and Jamie wasn’t feeling sympathetic, but he knew that he had a game to focus on, so he swallowed his pride.

Without speaking, Jamie turned his head toward the ice. The bench was filled with a thick uncomfortable silence, despite the fact that the arena was so loud. When Tyler and Jamie went on for their shift, Tyler was holding his breath. In any other situation, he would say that Jamie was a dedicated captain that put his team over most everything. But right now, Tyler wouldn’t be surprised if Jamie checked him into the glass just for payback.

Luckily, that didn’t happen. What did happen, in fact, was that an opposing player checked Tyler - hard. It was a late hit, the refs called it, and the player went to the penalty box. Without thinking, Tyler looked to Jamie, expecting the man to drop gloves and scrap over the dirty hit, but Jamie did no such thing. Instead, Tyler was met with Jamie’s unforgiving glare and an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

When Tyler got hit, you gasped. You stood up to yell for the obvious penalty. You’d expected your brother to start a fight for his friend, but that didn’t happen. When you looked onto the ice, Jamie was glaring at Tyler, who was still slowly getting off of the ground. If you didn’t know any better, you say that Jamie was mad at Tyler; but why would he be? It’s not like he had any way of knowing about your relationship.

The rest of that game was... weird, to say the least. The Stars won, but Jamie had been playing much more aggressively than normal. Furthermore, it was like he was refusing to communicate with his team. When the game ended, rather than celebrate like normal, Jamie skated directly off the ice and down the tunnel. The nervous feeling returned to the pit of your stomach - you knew that something was wrong.

You immediately left your seat and went to find your brother. When you did, you immediately wished that you’d stayed put in the bleachers. Jamie was sitting in the locker room, visibly pissed and nearly shaking with anger. You knew that he’d seen you come in, but he didn’t acknowledge you at all.

“Jam,” you began, taking slow steps toward him, “what’s going on?” When you reached him, you heard another person enter the room. This time, Jamie stood quickly and took two large, aggressive steps toward whoever else was in the room. When you turned, you were met with the terrified face of Tyler. Oh shit.

“How fucking dare you!” Jamie screamed, you’d never seen him so livid. “Not only did you go behind my back to fuck my sister, but you decided to brag about it to the entire team?!”

Oh shit. He was definitely taking this the wrong way - and you didn’t blame him. You knew Tyler’s reputation, and from Jamie’s view, Tyler had been messing around with you only for the boasting rights.

“Jamie, that’s not what it is,” Tyler pleaded, looking to you for some relief from the situation.

“Don’t even fucking look at her! Are you kidding me, Seguin? Of all the girls in the world, you decide to go after Y/N?” The more he yelled, the angrier he got. “Did you already sleep with every other girl in the fucking world, or what?”

“Jamie!” You interrupted, putting yourself between him and Tyler, worried that if you didn’t, Tyler would end up with a broken nose. “That’s not what’s happening! Don’t you dare insinuate that I’m some stupid kid with no say in this. We’re dating for god’s sake!”

Jamie paused, breaking his death glare at Tyler to look down at you.

“How long?” He asked, his voice strong and punching.

“Five months.” You replied, equally as bluntly. The two of you glowered at one another as if you were in a childhood argument all over again.

“So what, you just figured you’d never tell me?” Jamie asked, becoming more animated as his anger grew again. “Was I even gonna get an invite to the wedding? Am I already an uncle and you just decided not to tell me that either?!”

“Stop, Chubbs.” This time it was Tyler that spoke, earning a glare from both you and Jamie as you internally scolded him for using that nickname right now. “We decided not to tell you until we knew that it was a serious thing. I mean, I know that this isn’t ideal, and I’m sorry that we went behind your back, but we just didn’t want to make a big deal of something unless it was actually a big deal.”

Miraculously, that seemed to calm Jamie down. Tyler still kept his distance, but he walked over to you and gently grabbed your hand. Jamie scowled at the action, causing Tyler to drop your hand quickly. You sighed and grabbed his hand once more.

“Listen, Jam,” you stayed calmly, “we were planning on telling you tonight, and this obviously isn’t the way we wanted to do it. Tyler and I love each other, and that’s something that you’re going to have to get used to. I get that you’re mad right now, but when you calm down, we can actually talk about this instead of screaming at each other. Goodbye.”

You leaned up and gave Tyler a quick kiss on the cheek, earning another scowl from Jamie. You then left the locker room and walked into the hallway, which was filled with a very uncomfortable looking Stars team. You smiled at them and continued walking.

You had been sitting on the bleachers alone for nearly 20 minutes before Jamie came up to you. He sat next to you, sighing heavily.

“I’m sorry for getting so pissed.” You knew that it was hard for him to swallow his pride and apologize, given the current situation, so you were proud of him for doing so.

You looked up at him with a smile, which he returned with a scoff.

“S’okay, Jamie,” you muttered, “I hope you know that we’re good together - Tyler and I. Mom keeps calling him ‘lovestruck.’”

“Dammit, Y/N,” Jamie laughed, “mom knows too?”

“Yeah, you were pretty much the last one in on the joke. Jordie handled it a lot better than you did, by the way.” The conversation felt light again, and you were happy.

It wasn’t long before Tyler found his way over to you, sitting quickly and putting his arm around your shoulders. Jamie shook his head, still not used to the new relationship. In return, Tyler gave Jamie’s shoulder a shove from around you.

“You better at least tell me before you propose to her, Segs.” Jamie started, causing you to blush wildly.

“Well obviously; someone’s gotta help me pick out the ring.” You blushed further at Tyler’s words, and when you looked at him, he was just as red.

It would be a little bit before things were fully back to normal, but you were content with where they were now, and looking forward to the future.

[delicatelyherdreams]

Teardrops on Lashes (Epilogue)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: After the Chitauri invaded New York and nearly ended your life, you moved to Bucharest to get away from the superhero stuff. You simply wanted an uneventful, ordinary life. But when a stranger moves into the apartment next to yours, you begin to question those aspirations and choose to risk it all for love.

Warnings: does not follow cannon story line

Word Count: 2460

Teardrops on Lashes Masterlist

Previous: Part 16

“Oh my god!” you squealed. “Look at how big she’s gotten.”

Nicole’s smiled at you from the computer screen and lifted up her newborn. “I know, right? Jamie’s huge for three months.” She smiled and turned to cradle her daughter in her arms. “You’re a big baby, aren’t you? Aren’t you?” she cooed.

Jamie babbled in her mother’s arms, eliciting a smile from you.

“I still can’t believe you named her Jamie,” you said shaking your head.

“Well, why not?” Nicole asked. “All the other kids are named after great people in our lives so why shouldn’t I name her after James?”

A soft smile crossed your lips. “I have no idea.”

She’d really taken the whole Bucky situation well; so much better than you had expected. You thought that, once she found out the truth, she’d be a little wary of him and not want to see him again for a while, but the exact opposite happened.

She seemed to revere him now as some sort of god of strength which, if you were being honest, amused the hell out of you. She was so amazed that he had dealt with all that shit in his past and still managed to be a good, kind, and gentle person. She wanted to honor him so much that she even went as far as naming her baby after him.

You knew Bucky would get a kick out of that one when he finally woke up.

As if reading your thoughts, Nicole’s expression turned a little solemn. “Is he awake yet?” she asked as she bit her lip gently.

You shook your head. “No. It’s been five months now. The doctor’s think they’re close to finishing the cure, but they aren’t certain enough to wake him up yet.” You pursed your lips together as you fiddled with the hem of your shirt. “They said they wouldn’t bring him back until they were absolutely certain.”

“How are you holding up?” she asked, shifting Jamie in her arms so the baby would be more comfortable. 

You shrugged and averted your gaze. “Same as always, I guess. Shuri’s keeping me busy. We’re working on some upgrades for the Black Panther suit. She wants to figure out how to get it to absorb kinetic energy and use it in its own attacks.”

“Ooh fancy!”

You nodded, your smile turning a little eager. “I know, right? I’m helping her with some of the technical parts of it. It’s surprisingly similar to coding so I’m actually useful to her.”

She snickered. “You were always useful, (y/n). And I’m glad you’re not moping around anymore. I was afraid I was going to have to fly out there and kick some sense into you myself.”

You felt your cheeks burn at the mention of your short depressed period. In the week or two following Bucky’s going under you were hardly motivated to get out of bed, much less leave the room. It’d hit you just a few hours after reading his letter and notes for the first time—the realization that he was actually gone, that is. It hit you like a freaking tidal wave. The Wakandans gave you your space, they were very understanding and you were grateful for that, but they always came in to check up on you at random. It was about halfway into week three that the princess came into visit you. She’d drawn you out of your room, had you get yourself cleaned up and situated, and then practically dragged you down to her lab to learn the ropes and help her out. If she hadn’t come to got you and get you busy, you probably wouldn’t be as awake and “alive” as you were now. “I wasn’t that bad,” you muttered.

“Oh yes you were,” she affirmed. “You were so bad I thought you had just watched a puppy getting kicked. But I’m glad you’re up and about now.” Her smile melted slightly off her face. “Are you still going to see him?” she asked, her voice sympathetic and gentle.

You nodded. “Everyday. I think the doctors are getting tired of seeing me outside his pod.”

Nicole chuckled. “I wouldn’t blame them. You sit there for hours doing nothing.”

“That’s not true!” you said in mock offense. “I read while I’m there and binge Netflix. I do stuff.”

“Boring stuff.” She frowned. “Bucky would tell you to get a life rather than wait around for him.”

You tilted your head. “I know, but I’d still do it anyways. I miss his company.”

“I know you do, (y/n), but he’s not gone forever. Just you wait. I’ll bet those doctors will have a cure for him by next week.”

You chuckled. “You said that last week.”

She waved her hand dismissively. “Yeah, well I’ll get it right one of these times.”

“I’m sure you will,” you said with a soft smile.

Nicole opened her mouth to respond, but at that moment Jamie decided to get fussy.

The girl began to squirm and cry in her mother’s arms, punching her tiny little fists into the air as she wailed.

Nicole quickly turned her attention away from you towards her child. “Oh, hey. Shh... Is it nap time now?”

You smirked at the screen. “I think it is. She’s saying, ‘Mommy! Mommy! Put me to sleep so I’m not tired in the middle of the night and can stay up all night long, crying and screaming so that you and Daddy don’t sleep at all.”

She grumbled under her breath. “Yeah, no joke.” She shifted Jamie in her arms. “Well, I think that this is my queue to go.”

You nodded. “Alright. I probably should too. Wouldn’t want to be late for my date with my sleeping boyfriend.”

“You’re a creep.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” You smiled. “Tell Andrei and the kids I said hi and give them all big hugs for me.”

Nodding her head, she said, “I will. You take care now and visit soon, okay?”

“Okay. Talk to you later, Nic.” Your finger hovered over the “End Call” button.

“You too, (y/n).”

Your finger quickly tapped down on the button and the screen blacked out. You sat back in your chair and sighed.

You missed Nicole and her family, you really did, but your time here in Wakanda was far from being over. Bucky still wasn’t awake so you couldn’t leave, you wouldn’t leave. You’d promised him that you’d be there when he woke up and you weren’t about to break that promise.

You took a deep breath, closed your computer, and pushed yourself up. Standing, you began to collect some little things. You scooped up your laptop and a few books that were sitting on the desk and held them close to your chest. It was time for your daily stake out in front of Bucky’s cryo pod.

You carried your things out of the suite and down the halls that had become vividly familiar over the past few months. You’d walked this path dozens of times on your way to visit Bucky while he was asleep. 

You didn’t do much during these visits. You’d read, do some coding for whatever project you and Shuri were working on, and talk aimlessly as if he was listening. Sometimes you’d carry out full conversations with him and acted as if he could hear you and was responding. The doctors and lab technicians never commented on your strange behaviors, something you were really grateful for. You already felt crazy as it was talking to nobody. But in some weird way, talking to him almost helped you keep your sanity. As you’d sit there, your back pressed against the glass and speaking to him, you felt he was there with you in more than just physical presence. And that was a comforting feeling.

You rounded one last corner in the palace, slowing to a stop in the waiting area just outside the medical bay. You smiled at the attendant at the medical bay’s front desk. “Hey, Kali,” you greeted as you walked towards the doors that would lead you towards Bucky’s wing.

She smiled back. “Morning, (y/n). You here to see Bucky again?”

“Always am,” you said shaking your head with a grin. “Mind buzzing me in?”

“Sure thing.” Kali turned to her desk and pressed a few buttons.

The doors in front of you hummed as the lock clicked back and swung open.

“Thanks!” you called as you shifted your things in your arms and walked into the bay.

The room was as familiar as ever with its white walls and sterile atmosphere. Nothing had changed in the twenty four hours since you had last been there, and its familiarity was somewhat comforting.

You strode further into the room and rounded various corners to where Bucky’s pod stood, but when you got there, there was something very wrong.

You stopped dead in your tracks, the color draining from your face when you saw his pod.

The door was slid down and the pod was vacant, missing a very important occupant.

You felt your breathing quicken as your eyes darted around the room anxiously. “Bucky! Where’s Bucky?” you asked frantically.

The attendant closest to you looked up, startled at your sudden outburst.

You turned your gaze to her. “The man in the pod, where did he go?” you asked, your voice trembling.

She pointed towards the exit. “He left. You just missed him. He said he had to find someone.”

So he was loose in the palace. You hastily thanked her before turning on your heel and darting out of the room. There were so many places he could be. You were racking your brain with places he would go, but you didn’t know just how well he knew the palace, if he did at all, and if he didn’t know it that well you knew how easy it was for him to get lost from prior experience.

And then you found him.

And the world stopped.

He was wandering the halls with no apparent destination in sight. He looked just as he did when he went under all those months ago. Granted, the bruises and cuts on his face had faded and healed, but he still wore the white clothes and the black cuff at the base of his arm. His hair had gotten a little bit longer as well. His eyes were darting across the hall, looking, searching, and seeking something. Seeking what? You didn’t know, but at that moment all that mattered was him being there, awake and well.

“Bucky!” you shouted the running as fast of your legs would take you.

He turned just in time to see you coming and brace himself for your incoming bear hug. His eyes lit up as soon as he saw you and he lifted his arm to hold you.

You threw yourself in to his embrace, letting the tears flow freely as the emotions and joy of having him back overwhelmed you. He wrapped his arm around your torso, letting his hand gravitate towards the back of your head and his fingers tangle themselves in your hair as he pulled your head close. He was crying too, his shoulders shaking with silent sobs, and he buried his face in the top of your head pressing a kiss to your hair. God how you missed him, his touch, his presence. These last few months had been the longest ones of your life and now that they were over, you couldn’t be happier. Being there in his touch, you felt it all melt away.

You gasped back a sob as you looked up at him and brought your hand up to his cheek. “You’re awake,” you cried out in between wet bouts of laughter.

He gazed down at your face. “I’m awake,” he confirmed.

“How long?” you asked

“About twenty hours,” he answered. “They told me they had a break through right after you left last night, and they knew it would work. And... I think it did, (y/n). I have my mind back.” The joy on his face was incomparable.

“You’re free?” you asked, your heart daring to hope.

He nodded. “They’ll never control me again, doll.”

At those words, every emotion that you had been bottling up over the past five months spilled out in a tsunami.

You buried your face in his chest as you squeezed him tighter. “Oh Bucky.”

He smiled and pressed his lips against your forehead. “I know, (y/n). I know...”

You couldn’t contain your joy and so you stood up on your tiptoes and pressed your lips against his in a kiss full of adoration and love.

He hummed against your lips as he kissed you back, only pulling away to gasp for air. He rested his forehead against yours and breathed a laugh. “God you have no idea how much I missed you, doll. I dreamed about you that whole time, replaying every moment I had with you over and over again. And when I woke up, I was so hoping to see you there next to me, but the doctors had told me that you literally had just left.” He shook his head gently with a regretful smile. “I wish you had been there, but I knew you were probably tired. God... Waiting for them to finish with me was horrible. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and when they finished, I just had to come and find you. But I guess you found me instead.” He lifted his gaze up, looking at you with playful blue eyes. “I guess you have a real knack for that, huh?”

You chuckled. “I guess I do.” You hummed. “Oh, Buck, there’s so much you’ve missed. Come on, I’ll tell you all about it.”

He smiled and wrapped his arm around your waist. “I can’t wait to hear all about it.”

You smirked knowingly. “Oh just you wait. Nicole had her baby and I think you’ll like the name.”

The two of you began the walk down the hallway back towards your room side-by-side, his arm around your waist, your arm around his torso, a smile on his face and your head resting against his shoulder. As you moved, you couldn’t help the feeling in your heart; that warm fuzziness that came along only when you were with the one you loved. It was a feeling that was reserved for him and him only, and it was good.

In that moment, all was good.

He was there with you.

There was no danger.

You were happy.

And that was how it would stay.

Because you had your Bucky—your James—and all was right.

Teardrops on Lashes Taglist: @fuckthatfeeling @lynnskata @aveatquevale- @writing-for-a-chance @imbuckybarness @notimetoblog @anxietyrosee @tutis24 @ultranikilove @drakelover78 @phoenix-and-unicorns @bbycloudz @rainbowkisses31 @champagnejoker @thetimidsarcasticcat @lokigreyvatore @lostinspace33 @londonalozzy @pop-princess08 @melancholland @imasxbstxn @eminem-owns-my-asshole @lookwhatyoumademequeue

Bucky Barnes Taglist: @cauraphernelia

Permanent Taglist: @dont-speak-just-read @becauseismellgood @impalaimages @breezy1415 @lou-la-lou @aestheticapricity @a-book-pressed-rose @watchoutforfrostbite @dragonborn791924 

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 5

My final note before I kill myself I'm not actually going to kill myself. I'm letting the dying parts die. Say goodbye to them. Wow holy shit my whole back just got a wave of feeling. This is it. I know if I don't go for what I want I'm going to lose it. So I'm sharing everything that I have inside. Because I've been wanting to for a long time. For many reasons, some more noble than others. Daqui a pouco to escrevendo nas outras linguas. Hey duke Well, I have to completely go for what I want. You will know what that feels like. I had a dream last night that turned out to be symbolic of what happened today. Its not that hard because your subconscious mind always knows what's going on.I have a considerable amount of magic to my person but ill tell you now I lose things, I have anxiety attacks and a fixation on food and body type, and I'm telling you this because I can't let you think I'm a no faceted perfect lady. Hey lady. Molly plays with my feelings I wonder how many years that could last. As long as Natalie is my friend. Kad thinks I'm a Nazi. That makes me upset. Now I'm thinking about Mikala from midtown west. Dont know why. Cause I'm not a fucking Nazi damn. That's extremely offensive Why are all these thoughts coming into my head? Whups. Lost it again. Sex is sacred but our movies and tv shows over hype it and put ideas in our head. One time I told Jamie I was gay.I actually thought it was true at the time...that's such an awkward thing to explain. I know I don't have to fucking explain myself but I want to because I care that the other person is on the same page as me!! No I miss you too in a weird way I've been wanting to share all my real thoughts for a long time. And now is the only time because the last couple days I have been dangerously close to having a breakdown. I have been crying in the street for 2 days And I also have been wanting to tell everyone what I actually think all the time I think my problem is that I have a habit of thinking about things ruim like I just think about sad shit a lot. And my comfort levels are always unstable Shailesh balla I don't know whose name that is. Shoulda brought my journal but I didn't think I was going to want to write. I want to do something to soothe my worries. My top worries are money, food, having something stolen from me, being raped. Its weird that I'm so worried that someone is going to rape me when I haven't been raped in this lifetime. But I would always get strong images of being raped. Except I was black so it wasn't in this lifetime. I want to soothe my worries telling myself that expecting the worst isn't good for my health. My focus goes rotten sometimes. I have to go to where I want to go to. I'm grateful for what I have. And not in a lame way either. I think I'm most worried that something will be taken from me. Money or whatever. When has that caused my death? Only when I sunk into the sadness and grieving. Grieving for my jewelry. Don't have a choice but to keep going. My grandparents on my moms side were such a huge influence on me throughout my life What is life anyway? We are all here wondering what to do with ourselves. And I can only have these thoughts because I have money I wanna work like Malcolm x did Tryinng to soothe my chronic worrying. Maybe ill find a paradise somewhere. Kalien photograph Deangelo Silva Thais is a sexy name. I'm tired and a little gassy but I'm going to go out anyway to see what the fuss is about. Because I wouldn't be satisfied if I just went to sleep Reflecting on resentment. I can feel this is a strong hook. This is a strong feeling in my body. I resent the cruelty of survival in the midst of civilization built by half asleep beings. My thoughts lead me to duke and this is what I have to say about that. I resent being treated wrongly by him. He treated me wrongly because he was my soul mate and he was supposed to help me and love me through everything I can't have sex!!!!! I hate having sex with people that suck at itI Which is almost everyone I resent everyone because I am so shy it hurts to see people who I connect with sometimes. Something inside of me is very tender and sore and I have been neglecting her. She's not ready to see anyone. I can resent and I do. For. Not being there with his feelings and not being there with mine. But i have to admit its not fair of me to just expect someone to take on all my problems with me. And I know this has something to do with the fact that my mother would throw crying fits at me and I had no idea how to act. Because that's what you do right? You don't say anything to people so they think your nice and then you have an explosive breakdown on whoever gets caught in your shit. Right? Oops Still letting go of my feeling of resentment. I'm a self help queen. Not sorry. Maybe just a little bit. But listen, I'm actually getting somewhere in my emotions. The blocks I have to getting what I want are emotional so if I can move and change my emotional body, I'm set. Sex Everyone sucks at it except for Ursula and mau 90 percent of males I meet think about fucking me That's pathetic Don't you think you're craving a closeness?instead?no? I don't know you its not my business I acho que tó errada I can pretty easily see what I did wrong. But I'm a sad sack and its easy for me to get into self blame. Those thoughts make me really depressed. But I guess it doesn't matter I don't have to have a perfect personality I don't even have to have a personality NOT UP TO YOUR STANDARDS AM I DUKE? Oops I've said so many bitchy things to my friends who I love so much..somebody needs to slap me. I hope they can forgive me. Well we're still friends so... Who the fuck taught me to be afraid of everyone? Walking around feeling like I'm rotting from the inside and I can't trust anyone and yet I want to meet all their eyes and see what's inside. When you're thoughts are just swimming with someone else. Julia, Duke, Kaara Someone who I barely talk to. I'm the pathetic one. It feels good to think that right now...die ego die!!!! So I will begin to close of this meditation. I would like to let go of my resentment. It will be carried away by the strength of the planets. Just saying what I believe. A very powerful tool. I had to re-read what I had written and confront that maybe my focus is terrible because I live in an age full of distractions and sometimes I have to be distracted to avoid major depression and having a fit and getting arrested. Sometimes I want to just break the glasses in the cafes. Or the stores. That urge has been with me for months and I still haven't acted on it. Stay tuned. So if I'm letting go of resentment, I'm letting go of my feeling of entitlement to. I will always give myself the best of what I can. But I cannot live off of taking from other people.I don't want to. Their money or their prana. Sorry Kaara. Half asleep over here. You did it too. I liked your insecurity because I could feel better about myself. And my own insecurity. Someone shut me up nobody wants to hear about my emotions. Oh that thought again. I'm expressing myself not trying to.....be right...but I am I came down to the beach because I thought it would be the best place. I was living in the street for a week. I'm not now we are paying for a room. Its cheaper than anything else but this is such a popular location that its still a fair chunk of money. But its worth it to drink the healing waters (there's a natural fountain of groundwater. Clean and delicious if your gut can handle it. We wanted to leave but I think we were both resisting the healing....me and my friend rua. I'm paying for all of our food (and we're been to restaurants a few times) but its because I know my core beliefs are not in line with me keeping my money for myself. I think I jumped the gun a little here anyway. This is another topic. Dissolve my resentment. Sometimes I was treated wrongly. Sometimes I just felt entitled to get what I want and when whoever couldn't meet my needs, I get upset. Flashes of bring abused in past lives. Nothing I could write today. My collective head gets it but I needed to write for nova, the 3-d being I can't believe I'm missing that show I can't believe it I must be missing out fuck fuck fuck I have to be away I have to be here I am doing good here I am doing good here I just need something in my stomach to settle I need to sleep a little more. Ooohhh if I had some weed and I could sleep a little more id have it made. But I'm shyyyyyy There is a voice in the back of my head asking me to write and to learn new languages. God damn, I think I'm an Artist. After reading some writing by Patti Smith, I feel a little confused and jealous. My writing is so....unprretty specific and not artistic. I want to write something beautiful. If it is beauty I am after...well, I already know what that looks like. I already know who owns beauty. Earth beauty. Eternal beauty Nobody leave me alone. I wouldn't want to be alone anyway. On my own some angel meets me Oh maybe I can write pretty things Write an essay of something Masses of pissed off folk are gonna have something big to say in this life or next just you wait mr big shot. Big gun nuclear ammo. I bet you thought you could stop the art from saving us all. What rennessaince would you try to stop then who are you trying to stop and why don't you love me!? Mister big thing My boyfriend keeps me safe I don't love him but he's good company and when we have to have sex its pretty good I don't think he feels the same way. I think homeboy was looking for a real namorado. Never seen anyone who looked like me. I made a cheese sandwich for my friend and now I want one cause I ate them when I was a kid. I feel like a baby still! Cosmic smoke womb. I don't care, ill take it Bad coffee Oi viado Its not that hard to learn a new language if you think you can do it I have been waiting years to learn about the stars. I always new the universe was a synchronized conglomerate of matter, but coming across systems I can keep record of. Beleza There's a feeling that sometimes overcomes me in my dreams that I'm being choked and can't breathe. These mosquitoes are biting me Somehow I manage to superimpose my fears on reality. Na janela aberta entrou meu convidado da noite, meu inimigo pior e o amor infernal que guardo para me gozar And, choking, I cry out for help. Cry out to whoever can hear me and be here with me. I don't care who I have to hide from myself. Excuse me for a second. My heart saw a pain and took it. Walking around shopping malls My candy heart Left my heart in Mexico City She was bed-ridden like me. But that's beside the point. We were frantic when we met and frantic when you held my hand and I breathed my first sigh of relief there. He loves me. I'm squirming in my seat Left my heart in Mexico City I THINK about YOU STILL but I think its more about me than it ever was about you. Still in Mexico City With its booming economy And great tortillas. All the cars and things that make up a city nowadays I went backpacking and somebody loves me still Left it in Mexico City. Now the reason for me to write The greatest poem I've ever written We were saying goodbye. I said I wanted to stay and I meant it but I didn't think I was going to stay. I have to go to work Still in Mexico City He must have thought I was going to stay I should have stayed. But I was lost in my work and I couldn't find my rights. So I ended up in Brazil with a hurt sciatica nerve and he's still in Mexico City with my heart that I left there And I think about him still but its more about me...right? I am undeserving As the words form my heart (the one that came with me) remains confused I hope you pick up on this and reveal yourself to me. But you don't have to. I didn't mean to make you think I wasn't going to leave. I was always going to leave. Tipo assim. But I just wanted to stay... Left my heart in Mexico City My back is cracking way too much it hurts and this can't be good for me. I want to go home. Wheere is home? My back is stressed out. I'm worried. Worried not looking I don't think I've ever been so offended. I just lost a friend. Telling me about my insufferable privilege. Hiding. I don't want to pay because I can live without money...........and fuck me if its only my privilege that lets me do that and think like that and write like this. I'm going to do it. I understand that I am privileged I feel incredibly guilty like I am not like, worthy of love because I have money But I never tell people that because no one will ever understand! Sad because I have money. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous I should be rejoicing but I'm not I I just want to die and be buried in my 10000 reais and die. Every time I hear the word money I wanna die. Give it all away slowly to people who appreciate it. Rua never hears me. I don't have time for that. I just need to sort out my thoughts A new poem Sugar eaters God again god blessed to have you to have found you Walking down the street in my hometown new york city Walking down the aisles but I'm in my mind Again Blessed are these sugar crystals that feed my teeth eaters we're sugar eaters blessed are these sugar crystals And a calm comes over us A little upset a little unrest its all the sugar eaters eating your teeth. My words are twisted like mind. You have to run around loaning me your time. How lucky I am to have found you. You bring me sweet coffee and I do not resist. The hot sun beats and we refuge in the shade. Our hot Brazil sun but I am walking down the aisles in my mind in my hometown I have money for all the sugar crystals I could ever need. But she doesn't want to have it from me. Blessed are these sugar crystals brought to us by the sugar goddesses, just trying to be sweet. Just trying to be sweet I have all the money I need Try to be sweet I have all the money I need There's something under the surface you're not seeing units swimming under. Your feet and I feel a little bit afraid. That the whole. Thing is going to collapse and crumble under my feet. Or lava will come up of its will and displace all of us Walking around with latent fear There's something under your feet maybe a bug lurking in your belly You're writing because you're a smart girl. You get into a new feeling and slip away quietly. You left. Joker Is jesting Later I saw him crying I had a flash of the future And it didn't come true exactly butt I swear I saw something like it My privilege is a bunch of dead flowers My privilege is rotting fruit More privileged than you for not having the need of water Have to walk miles for water I had to walk about 10 minutes for water and I felt a little bit like a prophet, or something of the sort Live in a house Live in a city In a country where you are not under threat of being bombed Your house could be bombed My privileges are rotting Watch tv Hear about the wars Light up your green and laugh with your friends Until your gut hurts We are friends, I don't want to take it there again My privileges are rotting fruit My journal January 25th 2017 Sitting in my boyfriends bedroom inn araial dajuda. I hope he's watching me. He has been my boyfriend for a few days only. I asked him what he wanted today and he said "I want what you want" my heart just about melted. I knew I liked him because I felt my heart get warm and I knew his lsd was pure, which is rare. And briefly, I am going to write some of the best poetry I have ever written. But not yet. I'm not ready Sometimes it's just not worth it and you have to let it go. But you always speak to the moment and you always try your hardest. And even though I have lice eggs in my hair I know the universe is going to protect me and my problems are going to pass. Write like I have a problem that needs airing out. But I don't have that mood exactly. My systems are more or less okay. Some of the best poetry I have ever written. He is the reason for my poetry. Nothing but a man and he's skinny. Taller than me and I don't think he can defend me. He has a penis and breath like everyone else but he sees energy and he loves seeing energy and neither of us understand it...but we love it and we want to know as much as we can about it. I need to.......oh right He will be the cause of the best poem I ever write. I don't know if I believe that. Money worries have to be let go of. I can't hold on to everything all the time. Universe synchronized. Daily mundane things going about your things and you just notice how good the breeze feels and that you're right by the sea in a beautiful city. Here isn't a good place to eat. My memory with Julia the rock star. Time to write my autobiography. But take it seriously. Make it right. I love my feelings so much I don't feel like I'm done writing. Nobody was really trying to con me that hard. Just trying to amuse themselves at the expense of others feelings. Uh, is that too bleak for you? Get over it. Gentrified vegan crab cakes. Oops. What? She's gonna kill me. I'm afraid and I have poop in my gut I feel it. I'm tired but something is missing. In tired to go to bed with my boyfriend who I just met but I know I love. In my way.too tired to worry His smell is intoxicating. That boy smell. She told me to follow my heart but I think my heart bate papo its not the strongest...but I can feel it. Morre than a lot of people could say. Stuffed some cotton in my underwear because my menstrual blood is releasing. And all this money and packaging. I'm hungry. Nobody understands me. I'm hungry. Nobody understands me. Nothing is in the way of me doing something except for me because I'm scared. I'm scared. This place has me held happily as prisoner. I give up. Rob me. Kill me. Not if I get you first. Writing for you writing for you. Nothing is stopping me except my fear and my concept about money I left arraial dajuda and now I want to go back because I was loving it....it was time for me to just take a break....I want to just stay with people who I know are my friends. I want to stay where I feel safe. And I want to kiss guilherme again. Its not fair that I could spend almost 500 reais just to try to get away. Fuck. I am going back because I feel the most happy that way. I don't want to be alone any more.... I don't want to be alone not knowing where the he'll I'm going and these things. If I was here alone and feeling fine....I could bee that person...maybe ... But I would rather just not be alone right now honestly. I don't wanna wait and wait until I feel love again. I want the love I felt already. I'm scared that I'm going to show up and I can't have him anymore...but I know that's not going to happen. Lice and all. I needed to leave. I regretted it pretty quickly Part of me wants to keep traveling forever...and another part wants to go home and be with my family again...or both. I don't know if I want to volunteer with this yogic nun in her biodiversity organic yoga thing. Part of me wants to go home. But I also have an intense interest in this. I don't know. It doesn't make sense to go back and forth. But I don't really wanna stay in the city of brasilia Make up for it. Compensate. Sitting at the bar alone. Like a character in a movie. Waiting on my love to walk in the door. Thinking many of the same things at once. Tired but I know I'm not going anywhere. Its so easy to fight your feelings and write what you didn't want to write something about the universal flow and how it affects you how your stars have been so aligned recently and how they always were bus you just didn't notice. I sit in a state of wonderment and disgust as I am interrupted by a greedy old man with no money making his presence very known to me Just remind yoself help remind your self. I need another distraction to distract me from the pain of needing to eat and needing to steal and depending on millions of other people for my food. I need another distraction. The earth is quickly dying as I see it, but I know people who think otherwise. I should have stayed in Brazil. My friends just want to poison themselves with alcohol and I want to run away with my love but I left him in Brazil. I need to eat For many years I've obsessed over my corporeal form, my body. What it says about me. I can't get out of this.....its my way of dealing with my feelings. Its just in my being but I mean, I'm gonna end up tearing out to shreds I already know. I can't stay here with these demons eating at me. I see real I wish I had someone with me. Makes me feel like I need to eat something. Probably end up a pedophile like my dad Why doesn't anyone understand thoughts and feelings? This is pathetic. I wish I had someone with me I could be screaming but she wouldn't hear. Known her for years I just want to be with her again. No one can stop me if I just show up Its so hard to feel things. Its so hard to actually sense things. This world is set up for profit for invention and for narcissism!! Oh god what did I do I slept with my ex I slept with my ex he's a beacon of truth like me or a liar I don't really know Cause its not that straightforward at all I can't just read mounds so easily as I wish I could but I'm not bad when you compare me to most people. I think that my new haircut suits me . on nahrt okay my own energy reading is a little faulty. . A few days later and unrealized how badly I am conpartmentalizing things I wish I wasn't so emotionally cold but I believe I have to be this way to be an artist...that can't be true. ... Get up and talk to someone but it tires me what's so bad about being tired I can't ignore my bodily needs why does it make you tired because they only like to hear certain things and I have to think about it.   Sometimes I write cause i don't know what else to do.. Like now...my head will hurt if I go talk to other people I'm just trying to maintain a high vibration no I'm serious this is town in doing it and I'm not belittling my mission no way I'm not gonna hurt myself I want to maintain a high vibration and sometimes its hard for me to do that when I talk to other people. But I can't let this exclude people from my reality because everyone is worthy of attention and love!!! Everyone is worthy of it and I'm not letting it go for all the money or all the fame in the world everyone's feelings matter sometimes I am the absolute worst when it comes to that. I want to message michael maybe he can distract me from my problems. Everryone does. He is different. He is just the same I knew I felt something strong with him I love his ambition and I want to see it develop and that means staying with him for a bit I want to see his ambition develop his!!I'm starting to think I gotta let go of that whole shit with sam, cause I don't really like being jealous. You know why my head really hurts? Cause I'm letting myself be alone too long . I'm obsessive is what I'm actually trying to say. I'm not sure who you think I am but I don't mind much. I'm not a cool person all I want from you is conversation and cuddles There's this black of my connection like I'm talking to a wall and not to michael I think I'm fucking up I could be talking to myself in various ways. Maybe his souls just close to mines anyway enough that it feels like I'm with myself? I'm aware of the seperateness but I really would rather live in the thought of we are all one soul