#Ive got a look in mind for this week that im rly excited abt!!! As well as another fishnet one.

[satans-knitwear]

I'm pretty sure i have another fishnet bodystocking that i havent shown you yet... That'll be fun ✨

Treat me (wishlist) ~ Tip (pypl) me (cshpp)

[broodsys]

so. just like - updates, overview, mood, what im trying to deal with, lowkey venting

ending week 7 of school (out of 10) and im so glad that both classes are rly laid back bc i am struggling sfm with everything lately. and i mean, spanish is still challenging bc its a whole different language, but it’s a very familiar challenging and the prof, for all her faults, is a soft grader which i appreciate.

im a lot calmer about the kitten situation bc even tho (stray) momma cat had five kittens this time, good!neighbors helped last year and have been involved with me thru momma cat ever since, and im a lot more familiar with what to do. for instance, i didnt panic and temporarily steal all her babies at fair injury to myself only to research, see that they should be with their mom at this age, confirm it with the vet, then let them go right back outside lmao. instead im just leaving them with her but beginning to interact with them. and im sure the neighbors socialize them, too - after all, they’re mostly on/under their deck and who wouldn’t want to play with tiny kittens?

and yall, they’re so fucking cute im ;;;;;; one gray, one pure black, one tuxedo like its mom, and two tortoiseshells, one with a black splotch right on the middle of its face and nose ;o;

and in less fun but still good-ish news, i think i got the one concession that since alcohol has become such a big trigger of mine, if my brother is going to drink he has to be kinda subtle about it, ie no beer cans left in the sink for me to wake up to and feel like ive been punched in the gut literally first thing in the morning (:

actually bc ive been so triggered by that (it’s been going on for like 4 days as of yesterday) i had a Ton of anxious energy and, in part bc ive been needing to anyway, rearranged my room p significantly. but now im on my desktop at my actual desk instead of trying to work on, literally, a folding tv dinner tray. but my 10g aquarium was on my desk and its a pain to move - still, it was one of those rearrangement sessions where after u move one thing u see how another thing should be moved, and it all works out really well. the new location for the 10g is so close that i was able to slide it over and have it rest at one point on both surfaces

im still exhausted and still fighting so many different things, health, stress, etc. - but i have my root canal appointment on monday (finally!) and while, like, the tooth is already dead and a drainage point has developed naturally, both of which mean im not in pain, its still an ongoing infection and that’s Not Great for anyone and esp for my immunocompromised ass. so, yeah, looking forward to that. also bc it’s a complicated root canal job (my root splits midway and has two ends, and it’s one of my front teeth! even tho it’s a pain, neat) i need to see an actual endodontist, but im honestly p excited abt that bc endo is my personal favorite dental specialty and it’s so cool. i love watching them work? even when they’re working on me?

im gonna run my name & gender change forms done to the courthouse this upcoming week, and im rly excited! and nervous! i don’t think i have much cause to be, like i think it’ll go thru without a hitch, but official paperwork of any stripe makes me hella nervous

but also i have been... rly relieving my past a Lot lately. some of u may’ve seen me mention this in now deleted posts but just, yeah, i think everything that’s going on just stirred up all my old traumas and i cant rly ignore it anymore, so im thinking abt getting a therapist of some kind, more just to have someone external to the family and not, yknow, tumblr to talk to abt all this. even dug out my DBT handbook, which should say a Lot abt my state of mind bc that thing was a pain to dig out and it’s heavy and unwieldy (and great, and written by someone with BPD, and great and personally completely revolutionary and did i mention great?)

but the garden and all the growth and the birds and squirrels and bugs and everything else makes me feel so calm, so connected to smth a lot greater and vaster than my household or immediate family or the stressors (living) downstairs, which helps.

[rostii]

quarantine q&a, tagged by the lovely @wjnterbucky (thank u!!)

are you staying home from work/school?  yea!! ive been home for almost a month now, all my uni classes are online + you can only rly go out for essential reasons so im. firmly home.

if you’re staying home, who’s with you? my family!!

what movies have you watched recently? what shows?  I watched An American Werewolf in London last week which was! disappointing! and i made my parents watch chicken run w/ me bc i was obsessed w it as a kid but somehow they’d never seen it, i spent like the whole second half of the movie so close to tears :( i also watched Ready Or Not which was super enjoyable, I’d really recommend it. I don’t watch much tv but i HAVE been rewatching the Untamed and going ham abt it :^)

an event you were looking forward to that got cancelled?  my birthday!! i was excited to go visit my best friend/spend a few days in canberra, there were some talks at the Japan Foundation that got cancelled, and all of my classes that i was rly enjoying :( but this just means i’ll have a lot of exciting social things to do when we can all see each other again.

what music are you listening to?  the best question!!! WANNABE by ITZY, losing my mind by montaigne, uhhh this lovely album by joan shelley i stumbled onto, life of the party (and the rest of cape god) by allie x, silent shout by the knife, caramelldansen, and punching in a dream by the naked and famous.

what are you reading?  I’m reading a book called ‘threads of life’ by clare hunter which is basically an overview/history of embroidery and sewing, it’s really easy and interesting to read and I’ve already cried quite a bit at parts- its all grounded in historical events/textiles and specific works and theres so much emotion packed into every piece, like quilts made by women who are prisoners of war, fabric samples as a means of identifying the mothers of babies donated to hospitals, sewing as a way of recording traumatic events, commemorative flags, etc. I haven’t picked it up in a few days because the next section is going to be particularly upsetting but it’s been a really good read, something cute from the last chapter was the use of pom poms as a form of decorative protection for children. + I have ‘the Slaughterman’s Daughter’ by Yaniv Iczkovits (for when i can be bothered to pick it up) and also ‘Monsters in the Closet: Horror and Homosexuality’ which i’m still working my way through, slowly. (+ like 6 other dissertations that academia.edu keeps EMAILING me about that all sound so interesting and are all like 400 pages long)

what are you doing for self-care?  daily walks!!! my fave time to go walking is about 6/7pm when it’s just getting dark. I’ve also been cooking a bit (a few soups, a few sweet things) and doing my standard amount of handcraft, finishing off some baskets etcalso lots of dancing!! every thursday no lights no lycra have been livestreaming their dance sessions so you can tune into the playlist and dance around in the dark for half an hour in your own home, which i’ve been doing w/ my brother for the last 3 weeks. hot dub time machine did a live mix last week that we danced  to as well & alex dyson’s started doing live zumba classes which also look Super fun. so yeah lots of dancing!!

tagging: @sapphoisms, @gracetowns, @rumils, @swcnlake, @moonlud & @chestnuit 💗💗

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTER LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 8? IS IT 8 ALREAD- YEAH IT IS.

oh god its been 8 weeks already i dont like that these chapters reveal how much time im WASTING but c’est la vie as always lets put these assholes on blast:

moving SWIFTLY on!!!!!!!!!!!!

(also what do you mean ‘it’s the meat chapter’. wh. what meat. hello.)

She slumped back against uncomfortably warm stone, trying to tuck her feet back into the shade.

it’s a known fact that glynda is all Long all Angles and also a lot of Beef,

this is? the date, right? the date chapter? yes? all the chapters have been shuffled around i have NO sense of where i am because all thats happened for 7 chapters is ive been assaulted by lesbians but given the distant chanting of meat meat meat this must be the date.... right.........................................

OH THAT MEANS WE GET TO SEE CINDER’S DRESS NICE

Cinder’s smile flashed through Glynda’s mind, and she shifted against the stone wall, reaching for her Scroll.

my favourite thing is how whenever cinder and glynda think of each other its never not got crazy gay energy............. this is LITERALLY like the whole ‘i sleep next to a photo of my enemy’ deal!!!!!!!!!!! they’re both just attracted to dangerous (and also stupid) people, is the thing,

The Grimm swarmed, biting insects with snapping mandibles, their chitinous exoskeletons all scraping against one another with their constant, eager writhings.

YES thats some GOOD IMAGERY RIGHT THERE IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF UH-HUH

honestly i- OKAY LOOK I SAID IT BEFORE BUT I STAND BY HOW OFFAL HUNT IS SO VISCERAL... i love writing thats like............ kinda Uncomfy to imagine but also rly detailed and just rly digs into the gore and the grossness............ its GOOD CONTENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank god offal hunt just whaps u in the face w/ it like a damp sock,

we’re got a bit of slow start here which is a nice way to  slice the difference between earlier ‘gotta go fast’ glyn and this ‘actually i’m way out of my depth’ glyn. wow! i can BREATHE. and we havent had anything massively cheeky pop up yet which may be a new record all round

The ripples of its being reached Glynda with ease, consuming those of the smaller Grimm. It was dangerous. More dangerous by far, even out here among these ancient beasts.

mmmmmmmmmmm this is- okay slight spoilers but i presume this is hati? aka he who had like a handful of lines in the first version and was generally just... look hati was winner of The Most Vague award in the first version so i’m hoping its hati because i am CURIOUS ABT THIS BOY.................. who i coincidentally love. who is he? we’re not sure (yet) but i love him. its just a fact!

It wasn’t just consumption. It was desecration. Vile unmaking. The Grimm stripped away her flesh. Tasted of her marrow. Gorged itself on the gristle between her bones and peeled back her ribs to reveal the chasm within. It sucked the soul from her chest in a wash of red and agony that spanned centuries, each running over the raw meat of her like long, black claws—

I JUST LOVE THE WAY THIS SHIT GETS DESCRIBED ITS SO SATISFYING also i feel like there should be a tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny fingerguns in here t e c h n i c a l l y but im not gonna cause its vague enough i can kiiiiiiiiiiiiiinda move on kinda slightly maybe

It felt like death itself had caught her in its massive maw, chilling her organs, reaching for the soul at the core of her.

OKAY FINE 👈😡👈

OKAY FINE YEAH THE REST OF THIS IS ALL CHEEKY FINGERGUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that said this is all RLY VITAL STORYTELLING and im rly glad we’ve got some expanded Glynda Lore because it was Lacking in the archived version... but now we’re full on until glynda backstory babey!!!!!!!! yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fear itself couldn’t touch her, and even as she thought this, she felt it drain away.

Her breathing slowed. Her body relaxed. Information trickled in, unburdened by emotion.

👈👈👈😡👈👈👈

glynda rly DOES only have half a braincell Huh

OKAY DATE TIME? DATE TIME? YES? MAYBE?????????????? god ive been looking forward to this stupid gay date for so long. EIGHT WEEKS. EIGHT.

A pause. “Are you familiar with the Hill of Roses Massacre?”

ah the return of the Plot (that Isnt The Gay Bit)

i was gonna Say A Thing, and then answered my own question, and then realised it’d be spoilers anyway. YAY SPOILERS! YAY NOT BEING ABLE 2 SAY ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so yeah theres a lot going on here dsdjhgf

“Well, it was your class, so.” She couldn’t help but smile at the memory.

/ticks off ‘anything to do w/ ozpin’ off the bingo card, again,

“I’m afraid it’s a bit more complicated than that, Glynda. With this meeting on the horizon… I fear I would cloud your judgement.”

oz i love u and yr cryptic bullshit but this will not the first Nor The Last Time glynda and i are both exasperated w/ u. please. blease.

Ozpin had never misled her before.

👈😂👈

“I’m only following orders.” Written with the same implication as a wink. “Now, is there anything else I can help you with, Professor?”

i fucking adore winter schnee i’d DIE for her

i may have to make a spoiler version of this later because theres Some Shit being said here and i DIRELY have to expand upon it but that will have 2 wait dskfjsdf

When they saw she was human, they waved her through without any trouble.

i still feel like im being targeted for my url!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U ASSHOLES,

As much as she could, Glynda tried to avoid the constant bump of shoulders and too-tight quarters. As large as she was, it was nearly impossible,

what did i say!!!!!!!!!!!!! we LOVE one beefy bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(im literally getting SO excited for the date reveal im VIBRATING)

She still didn’t have much of an idea what waited within, but she had quite a few reservations about using the front door.

me: knows whats coming also me: glynda please

As a Huntress who’d been trained in both subtlety and stealth, Glynda had a few ideas.

The next person who stepped outside was thrown roughly aside,

ME: GLYNDA PLEASE,

you have no idea how often im just. i have my face in my hands. glynda’s never heard of a repercussion in her life. cinder once saw the word ‘consequences’ and broke out into hives. im. where’s the thinking-

And then she noticed Cinder.

here comes the peak gay im so ready HERE IT COMES-

Her hair was tossed over one shoulder as always, but in place of her usual crimson dress, she wore black tonight. Dark fabric with but a hint of iridescent specks rippled around her ankles, rising up to stretch tight across her hips. It rose all the way to the hollow of her throat and was cut to be sleeveless, though Cinder wore gloves of the same material that rose nearly to her shoulders.

HERE IT IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh my god u may know i drew a shitpost of this scene and now i Have to redraw it to be even Sexier!!!!!!!!!! also i know glynda could argue she’s being Observant but i also think, she’s a home of saxophone, and is gay,

LIKE ‘stretch tight across her hips’ WHY YA L O O K I N

Glass heels clicked over the dark stone floor as Cinder stopped right in front of Glynda, looking up at her from beneath lofty bangs. Gold eyes swept from the crown of Glynda’s head to the crop gripped so tightly in her hand—and then Cinder smiled.

there is No heterosexual explanation for this

Cinder clicked her tongue. “Well, now that you’re here, shall we?”

“Shall we…?”

“Glynda,” she chided, rolling her eyes. “Dinner, of course.”

IM LOSING MY MIND AAAAAAAAAAAAA THEY’RE LESBIANS HAROLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAROLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay. okay. this still isnt QUITE THE DATE CHAPTER BUT WE’RE RLY IN IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im so scared that a whole chap has been saved for this meal because its going to be so long and charged w/ lesbian energy and its gonna kill me BUT OH WELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyway i loved it. the end.

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[haeroniel-doliet]

i need more money to buy little art

honestly tho feeling like for that ideal goal existence i’ll try get to someday, i’ll needa be making proper money comfortable and good so i can spend all i like on society 6 and other to buy shirts and bags and just everything to a house all in different art prints (mostly florals) bc just those pictures are  like everything i want but just so expensive. i’m trying to sum down like 10 to stickers, bc i wanna do up my laptop, but dedicating to a single decal (thats like 25 ON SALE) is too much esp since i love so much. so ive kinda decided to get a hard cover for the laptop just in case i break it, and just in case i do break my laptop that i can keep the stickers on the hard case and dont lose them to replaced parts. idk seems smart. ill probs buy a kinda shady cover off of ebay for 5 or 6 pound and then spend 20 on stickers for it :] since theyre on sale till 8 am today and its 3 am im probs just gonna settle and order them. might order cover tomorrow w my dad bc i need trust assurance. hes not all on board on the stickers so im just gonna go for it. theyre gonna be like my post cards. i buy so many every place. and no. not trashy postcards. i want art. i have so many postcards of paintings in galleries and so many from comic con art valleys (guess who wants to get so much more and 100% will) i love original art the most when its pretty to me and like everyone who sees it. simples okay but i prefer soft and detailed. excited now i can go to con and also be looking for stickers bc maybe ill get a few cool ones that wont cost me as much as the society 6 ones do. and then my laptop can replicate my walls, displaying all the art ive loved that ive been able to take with me (bc theres so much i obviously dont have on my walls) anyway im looking at these and making some small bc i suddenly realise this laptops got realestate. and the saddest thing w stickers (literally why i had one of those waxy paged sticker books as a child) is that i cant dedicate stickers to a single spot. its so much dedication. what if i buy a bigger sticker and it wont fit? what if i get the perfect sticker for that spot and it wont fit? (over lap i guess) how can i be sure i put them in the right spots to start with? augh i dont really wanna cover just half of it and obviously leave space bc that puts pressure on finding stickers and i might get ones i dont love. i cant get sick of any one bc itll be there  (joy of having multiple mean theres less getting sick of anything). anyway i think im happy w the sizes of these 10 stickers and can work w them (also for now i think im just gonna be going around the edges and leaving the apple logo as it is, esp bc it glows and theres already this shitty old smiley face sticker from my old psych teacher and i kinda dont wanna get rid of it, i just wanna add things around it so it doesnt look so: clean (actually dirty) laptop that a child marked as their own) 

anyway society 6 has random discounts all the time which is p rad and maybe the day im ready to invest in my own living space and dont feel obliged to check w my parents about just about any purchase, i’ll then subscribe to something thatll tell me what discount is on. that in mind, i think i’ll only get the 9 now, that hopefully wont cost too much, and leave a bunch in my wishlist, bc there’ll be another discount (this is 20% off everything)  and maybe that’ll be like 50% off stickers and boy then when my collection is underway you bet ill go for it. and like maxx sticks on their sketch book, if i dedicate to a new book maybe ill get more for that and have a pretty thing to keep and reminisce over (tho knowing me, ill not use it much bc i have a need for pretty things to stay perfect and presentable, and i have a need for everything that i might show to others to be like near perfect otherwise its sucks and ill feel bad bc i dont wanna show it off to people. like my art book, sure i couldve made it all experimental and crap and then edited the real pages together on the computer. but no. i needed everypage to be presentable and pretty and handwritten and creative. and they must go page after page, its so awkward showing someone something and then going “oh wait now these few are empty sorry yeah heres the next page” so i baasically have  a book with mhmmm 20-26 pages of beautiful spreads that im quite proud of inside beautiful covers ( i knew id want to be presenting it for years to come) and the back pages are just...empty. and theyll probably stay that way bc i no longer have projects to be doing to fill them with. maybe one day ill grow into myself and grow out the fear of ruining what ive achieved and fill some with new projects to please myself and be an indepenednt artist not just a teacher pleaser. you know its like that with my work too, like it has to have a direction and a plan that will be achieved, and its terribly frustrating when that vision doesnt happen. but i think thats the same with everyone. 

anyway on a side note, dont you guys think its so fun and cool how ive not done my post labs that were due last friday? how every night ends up being 3-4 am until i go... mhmmmm yeah i guess nothing is happening. like i hope id bloom and do work at that 11pm-3am window and then i get here, suddenly having lost all track and sense of time and just sigh. its wasted, its basically tuesday already. have to keep telling myself dates bc it moves so weird. i planned on getting shit done two days ago. here we are regardless. and the most ill get done is get those stickers ordered bc that is i guess what ive been half focused on for mhmmm5 hrs. then ill save my 7 dollars or whatever, have stickers on the way, tomorrow order the case and thats one insignificant thing done. then the question will be have i looked at summer jobs? no of course not ive looked at ballet courses. shush. i havent showered for days bc theyve just slipped by too laying in bed, maybe tomorrow ill take a shower and pick up all the trash and tissues on the ground. maybe i will. i know i wont get real work done tonight, and already ill be sleepy till 1 pm and by then mom will be again on me abt sleeping to latesoo... yeah no point. and here i thought id make a quick totes relatable short post about how i need more money to buy stickers and maybe a brief my ideal life is to have enough money to spend on art being in every part of my life and all this  being unique so people love coming to my house and go wow its so original and cool. and that turned into a word vent thats so far taken me over half an hour. hi my batterys dying. 

lng story short, i’ll order the stickers currently in my basket after so much though, suck it up and do it and know that i have a bunch over in my wishlist for that next maybe even better sale when it happens. the only thing is im taking all the rest as transparent which for sure dulls them down (yeah white background looks sick but for some its just more classy w transparent, then theres this one bear i’m 100% naming wojtek thats in white bc i feel it’ll be best for him, and i guess having him in white will set that theres no clear rules to follow and worst case if it doesnt fit he can come chill on the keyboard side next to my mouse pad thing) honestly i cant tell if i should be getting them all in white and just hope that theyll look gorgeous no matter what. yikes 3 dollar shipping for stickers, ok itll actually be 19.62 pound and using euro card 22.50 in  euros.... am i dumb? maybe. and tho im supposed to be saving money up so i have some, i also did get birthday money sorta recently soo... birthday gift from them. first set of stickers. deep breaths ok. my parents told me when i bugged them that i just have to make a decision and not ask them all the time, and he said to get 3 stickers i told him id pick 12 so i think getting 9 is reasonable. also oh shit realising that the delivery time is 1-3 weeks and im staying here only 1 and a half more so i should really order it to scotland even tho it might get ther ebefore i do bc my parents might not rly want to send them up to me. idk ok order to scotland, thank f at least one of my flat mates is staying and tbh i should really bring her some chocolate... shes done me faavours.