#Ive also been doing a lot of work for the fantasy project. Im not sure how I want to format that yet but I'm leaning towards zines?

[antisphinx]

Its like, I want to make art that if I found in the wild would make ME crazy. The inverse rule of nicher common experience = stronger connection. So that's why I'm building MFTBI basically like a digital snuffle mat; discovery and digging to learn stuff and creating a deeper understanding of a world are things that I really value in works of art. The downside is that this is just structurally not compatible with super fast paced modern social media and I hate shilling my own work because I find most tiktok trends utterly debasing. And also I will be the first to admit there's not a lot of juice on the site yet. Setting the stage for a lot of stuff I have planned but not a lot to sink yyour teeth into. It's gonna build up slow and I have to remind myself that I've only been working on it for three years (compared to my last project that lasted like ten, and for those three years i have been in uni so no shit I haven't made a lot of work for it lol) so people don't have a lot to be invested in yet. Idk just trust me bro <3

[bmpmp3]

ive loved it since i first heard it in project diva x years ago, but listening to Tsumi no Namae again (with slightly higher quality headphone audio rather than my vita speakers <3 ) i didnt realize just how crazy the production choices of this song is. wait hold on lemme hashtag musicpost for a minute. im busting out the timestamps

immediate tone setting. bagpipes??? or something like that right out the gate which is wild. clock winding, gear crunching, and real human woman whispering (i think in english but ive never been able to find official lyrics of that section) as well <3 im a sucker for using human voices with synth voices i think it adds a lot of neat texture

the instrument choices lean into a fantasy musical-esque soundscape for obvious reason (the whole song is basically a little original fable or myth type story complete with trickster goddesses and breaking fate's curses etc etc) but the composition is plenty pop rock which is a fun juxtaposition im always a fan of but like SPECIFICALLY those drums that start around a minute in. im not sure what it is, the speed? how loud and hard the drums are? it works so well to give it a forward momentum while also being a bit uncanny. maybe im just imagining how tired the drummers arms would be hitting at that speed and with that amount of power for this long........ but yeah it gives it this unexpected, sorta otherworldly feel, like its just a fraction of a fraction faster than you'd assume. theres like hints of clapping and stuff in there too i think? so much all together but so so so good

and speaking of how tired those drummers arms would be, i do love that this song is six and a half minutes, i love stuff over 5 minutes like YES i am going to waste SO MUCH TIME staring into space and listening really hard (i like to listen to songs on loop <3 half an hour is gonna go away in just a few plays) i love love love love love it

1:38 mark THE BANJO????

1:43 ouuhhhh that we-will-rock-you-type boom-boom-bap-type clap-clap-stomp percussion. ouhhhhhh yesssssssssssssssss.

1:50 the banjo and the flute are now making out in the background. they are making out sloppy style

2:00 there's like this drum breakdown thats incredibly poppy and rock-y which also goes back to the like fun blends of instrument choice and composition

2:23 am i crazy or is there like a tiny tiny little bit of like a static sound as a piece of percussion in this quieter bit... love a mix of fantasy with digital artefacting

2:45 IS THAT A HINT OF SOME MANNER OF BASS INSTRUMENT IN MY LEFT EAR I HEAR..........

3:50 WHAT is that little sound near the right.... it sounds like one of those medieval instruments but i cant remember which one.... and the banjo has made a return

3:58 THE BASS COMING IN ON THE LEFT

4:35 okay the whole bridge section is crazy but first of all. the dynamics between the deep bass-y sounds going between the two ears.

4:40 and what on EARTH is THAT. like a glitchy static-y bit of vocals going on both sides. AND the flute-y sounding thing is going NUTS up there

4:45 and this is what always makes me lose my mind. that really REALLY deep, circular, almost string sounding instrument? is that a god damn hurdy gurdy. i dont know much about instruments can you tell...... BUT for real that like again adds this haunting, extra bit of synthetic uncannyness to the medieval fantasy fable story

5:18 WHAT is that long like droning sound. is that also bagpipes. whats that classical piece thats supposed to teach you how to differentiate the parts of an orchestra. i need to drill that in my head im fighting for my life out here. ANYWAY those background notes with also these bits of like chattering? people talking or playing?

5:24 RANDOM BIT OF MEDIEVAL VIOLIN

6:08 and ending off with the glittering little chimes.... awesome

i dunno just holy shit man. this song goes everywhere it wants to. theres a banjo.

[faaarawayyy]

What’s xerosaronyx /genq? Do you have a basic rundown?

for sure yeah!! honestly i feel ive never been able to concretely nail down one concise explanation entirely but:

Xerosaronyx (sometimes also referred to as “The Realm of Xerosaronyx”) is my modern-fantasy worldbuilding passion project i’ve been working on since around 2018! it started as something completely different back then, but as i’ve grown it has grown with me as well. recently its been going through a lot of changes as ive picked out many flaws and things id want to rework, which i feel im getting to a firm point with now!

as mentioned, xerosaronyx is a modern fantasy world. think sort of like onward from pixar in that sense. there’s simultaneous magic and technology which are both very important to the setting and contribute to a lot of the history and themes. there are three different categories of the people, which are: homifolk (humanoids), beastfolk (anthropromorphics), and oddfolk (stranger concepts that couldn’t fall concretely under either). there are several subraces/subspecies under each. for example, there’s a lot of variety under beastfolk, like catfolk and equinefolk, etc! broadly, they’re all called xerosans.

the influence of religion and gods is also very prominent over xerosaronyx. there lies a huge pantheon of gods and deities that oversees everything that goes on in the world. another unique part of xerosaronyx is the mortifi, which are a god-created blight on the world that is a constant threat to mortal xerosans. they are beastly and aggressive and have many different species, with each preying on the magical energy of xerosans and on different kinds of negative emotions/energies.

thats probably as basic and broad a summary i can give! feel free to ask for more specifics than this, i would love to elaborate on anything ^_^

[staraxiaa]

I just read Sunflower and i kid you not, i directly send a 3 minutes long voice mess to my boyfriend. This was genius. Incredible. I love you. Please teach me. Please be happy. You deserve the world. My head is going to ne filled with this.

responding to all your comments that you've left here below - thank you, you are so kind. this is really long. sorry for the yapping.

firstly, oh my god. the one you left on sunflower LMAOO i laughed out loud bc i never imagined someone would like my work so much, that they'd contemplate printing it! i'm glad you enjoyed the way i wrote the reader - i wasn't sure how to characterize her at first, but she grew on me so much. i'm honored. hopefully one day i will be able to write longer-length fics with the same depth that i did for this one!

also thank you and sorry in advance i need to rant about my fics/concepts - im going to dump them all here, since you asked about them! i don't have anything other than what's on my profile right now, but i hope these suffice. if you have any more questions about anything feel free to ask anytime :). barring outright spoilers, i'm happy to answer anything! some of my in-progress works are on my masterlist ( only titles / pairings, nothing else ). they will be posted to tumblr eventually, and i think they will be long enough to also be posted to ao3! however, i've only started working on these fics recently (read: after july 1st, when i made this blog) so they probably won't be posted for a while, unless i sink into a sunflower-level brainrot again. but! soon! these will likely be in x reader format. here's a tentative list, i won't go too much into detail ( i really want to. i want to do it so bad. but i won't bc spoilers!! )

porcelain, shouto todoroki x actress! reader. - but this will deal with very dark themes (eating disorder, suicidal ideation, sexual violence, child abuse, and anything similar associated with the acting/idol industry) that a lot of people will likely find uncomfortable. will also take me a significant amount of time to write due to the research i need to do to give these themes (hopefully) justice.

pirate! katsuki bakugo x siren! reader. - i came up with the concept this morning. it needs to marinate for a bit. but the vision is there!! pure self indulgence fic!! i thought of it and i was like WAIT i am a GENIUS and ive also been listening to the song that inspired it on loop so. mild darker themes but nothing like porcelain lol

sukuna x kitsune! reader - honestly i just really like kitsune mythology and whenever i think of this i want to stick my fist in my mouth and scream because im like the POTENTIAL. i also really like aus about fantasy historical times (im a diehard historical xianxia cdrama enjoyer. they are terrible. i eat every single one of them up.) will also deal with dark themes, considering the status of the world/women during those times.

i do have a tentative x oc in the works - vampire hunter! character x vampire. not sure abt the pairing, but it's bnha. i can tell you that this will be an au, like i take liberties with the entire universe and rewrite it style, with an entirely new plot set after the entire anime. (afo wins. i think.) this will hopefully be a chaptered work, which also means it will take me a significant amount of time to write. i like to have a clear vision + most chapters prewritten for anything longer than a one shot before i post bc all of my past projects have been abandoned lol. theyre getting reworked into some of these fics tho!

finally, onto this ask: i actually showed your message to my parents after squealing over it lol thank you. i'm honored you liked my fic so much that you shared it with your loved ones. i am also glad that your head will be filled with this - that's exactly how i felt writing it! nothing else. just ideas bouncing around the rest of my horrifically empty head.

you also mentioned being taught by me how to write twice - i don't think i'm qualified for a teacher. i'm not even an english major :^). i just enjoyed english classes in hs, and write in my spare time. (im actually studying computer engineering and my friends think its really funny bc like lol an engineer?? a coder?? who writes?? i am simply Special)

however, i think i can say this! write for yourself, write whatever you want to write. my first works were published on wattpad back when i was 13. that account has since been deleted, and i cringe really hard when i think back to that time, but i think that without it, without the love that those few interactions gave me, and towards my confidence to post, my writing would not be at all what it is today. it doesn't matter if what you write is bad, or not at all on par with what you'd like - writing, to me, is a journey that you build up every step of the way. you will improve in anything if you pour enough love into it, i think.

( ok unrelated interlude sorry i feel like a wizened sage i should really take my own advice and focus up on school LOL. sorry if this is also like,, condescending at all?? in any way?? i promise i don't mean it in that way )

with regards on how specifically to improve at writing: idk, i'm not that much of an established writer myself. i'm definitely not as good compared to some authors whose works i've read, though i'd like to get someday! firstly, i think reading anything you can is important. the books i usually read are of the fantasy/action/romance types, and i am a serial reader of fanfiction myself. read as much as you can, whatever you'd like. note the authors that say something that sticks with you, cut up the emotions of their characters into a million pieces, hold them within your heart. i am the writer i am today, only because of the thousands of authors who came before me, because i carry snippets of them that i admired, i thought were particularly amazing, and tried to make it into my own. i think i said this in a response to someone else: it's amazing to see how different authors interpret a character and make it into their own, taking little snippets from a fandom, tweaking it just a bit to add their own.

read for your own enjoyment, write for your own enjoyment, practice with a drabble a day or anytime, anything that you want. love the process and every step of it. be like me, and think of a comment at 11pm while watching your cdramas because one reader told asked you if you really liked to make them suffer. think of a concept because you tell them that you'd like to write fluff one day, and fixate on this so strongly that you think of nothing else for a full 48 hours, even when you are sleeping, so much that you wake up, have an idea click together, hop over to your laptop at 8am in the morning on 5 hours of sleep after you sleep at 3 (because you're grinding) and start the grind anew. or, ruminate on your ideas! let them sit, let them simmer, plan it out as slowly as you'd like. it can take you months, years - lord knows. i have a concept i've been sitting on for the better part of minimum five years? i say this, because once an idea clicks for me, the flow of it feels natural. i grin whenever i think of something really stupid to put in, a sentence that feels just perfect, a reference that 90% of my readers will probably miss.

when i decided to start this blog, it was because i was like: it'd be really cool if i went viral! and also because i wanted to share my work, to motivate myself into writing. i write because i am delighted when anyone chooses to interact with my posts, to like my writing. but i also write - and i think this is really important - solely for myself. yes, it's astounding to see the numbers go up, and i've honestly obsessed over the notifications for like hours now im ngl. but i write works for me, in a way that i know i will love; that will have me rereading over and over going oh my god i love ME. i write for those moments i will read back upon and grin quietly to myself at my own self-supposed literary genius.

tl;dr, write for yourself, and write something you know you will love.

if you have specific questions, i would be happy to answer them. to the best of my ability. i write entirely based off of vibes. i am also not sure if you asked that as like an unserious thing but i still tried my best either way.

sorry if this took too long / if any of it is unreadable / stated a bit? weirdly? tried my best :^)). also apologies for the yapping, it is also a disease, and like with my brainrot, i fear it is terminal

[the-starfall]

Hi, so ive been working on a writing project for awhile now and the first chapter is soon to be ready to release (Yay) sooo id thought id post a few design things and explain world building a bit. In this post I will be detailing 1. The main setting and 2. The main race interacted with during the first chapter

Ill be honest i dont have a name for this project yet and have just been calling it “my sci fi” project in everything ive laid out so far. But everything else has names! So here is the map of the mensis star system, most importantly of its ring station/world thing that surrounds and orbits the star mensis. This giant space station was once habited by a race of prestigious fleshed based organisms called the yeltilore. (most commonly they are called either “bringers of light, soon to arrive once more” by the theocratic council of the lenier. Or by more common names, such as “precursors” “the old rotten fleshy bits we find in district 5 floating through space” or my personal favorites “those dudes who died”) they as the common names suggest *died* or “disappeared to the star to recharge their power” a long long long time ago, leaving their robot and android slaves (and their experiments) behind within the 15 districts of the metliru ring station, all of them changed, district five got hit by a small exoplanet that got trapped it metliru’s orbit, and is no longer safe for any intelligent being. And over time all of the robots made their own civilization, colony’s, and just generally gained free will, now only somewhat bound by the harsh rules of their precursors and the much harsher rules of their own governments.

Notable species include:

Lenier, once robotic servants now wirey messes that form bodies and develop complex thought, who will be detailed later

Felar (who show up later)

The horrors (who show up later)

The flesh born (who show up later)

And the rogues, bestial androids once kept as pets that now roam any and all unclaimed territory, feasting on metal and despite a lack of intelligence theyve developed a fierce pack like instinct

Now, more on lenierians

These dudes are fun, having been small robot slaves during the reign of the past, they ripped apart other such robots (and a lot of infrastructure) during their early days, adding their stolen wiring to themselves in order to look more akin to the precursors who came first. They developed a religious fervor to the guys who died, building their entire religion based government off of the idea that 1. The star mensis is the only star in existence (all windows they have aboard the ring face the star) and that the precursors simply went into the star in order to achieve godhood, and eventually they’ll come back and reward they’re devote with the same godhood. Sadly however, since the destruction of district 5 they where disconnected to any space ports unless they went all the way around, stopping any potential suicides into the star.

They live wherever is safe and function decently well as a society, decorating themselves with scavenged metals by melding them into their metal bits and just kinda existing, they have jobs, their trying to fix up their homes to not be derelict and they’re learning, like doing science and shit. Point is. Youll see a lot of these dudes especially since (at least) one of the main characters is in fact a lerian!

If you want more functional info on their design decypher my bad cursive, now have a good night

(Also, i know the science in this is flimsy at best, its much more fantasy than anything else, as a robotics nerd im sure all of my friends would be mad at my for these designs and as a science geek…i mean same, the idea of a giant ring around a sun as a world is slightly more absurd than a dyson sphere and i know that, most of the inspiration was one of my friends talking about the game stellaris and building rings around planets/stars and the idea of everything else flowed from that, ill be making more of this before the release of the actual first chapter. Which will be on AO3. Now goodnight! (P.s. please ask any world-building questions id love to answer them!)

[tenmyoujump]

okay so i have possible candidates for reigen arcanas just based off what im reading from the wiki (i'll put a read more so ppl dont have to actually look at this these are just thoughts):

moon: [...]the Moon Arcana is associated with creativity, inspiration, dreams, madness, illusions, fear, fantasy, the subconscious and trickery. In tarot readings, it can also represent being attuned subconsciously to the world around, gaining the ability to sense things without being told about them or without anyone else knowing (which means that some identify this Arcana with psychic energy). [...] Characters who are of the Moon Arcana are often similarly psychically-attuned, but a more common trend is their projection of their own fears and faults onto others (namely, the protagonist). They often tend to have trouble accepting themselves for who they are and, because of that fear, try to correspond to an ideal person. And like the Arcana, there is a hidden depth as to why they act in their behaviors.

yeah! i'd buy this one i think i like this interpretation for him a lot

devil: Human characters associated with the Devil Arcana are often "devilish" individuals; they can be greedy, proud, lustful, or otherwise of poor character. It is not uncommon for this type of character to have somewhat of an antisocial tendency, often not caring much for the needs or well-being of others. Although this is true, they are also characters that are committed to a cause, usually being their work, with motivations behind their cause that are usually benign, if not outright benevolent.

devil is a very obvious choice for him, and i think this one does embody reigen especially leading up to the separation arc pretty decently? with his like. i am going to treat mob terribly actually and ive lost sight of what i actually wanted until he leaves and forces me to reflect on myself. like hes obviously not as awful as tanaka (who quite literally scammed a teenager out of 70k), or sayoko who keeps hitting on you for some fucking reason. but. yk

fortune: Human characters of the Fortune Arcana are usually individuals with prodigious abilities who have lost sight of who they truly wanted to be as a result of too much pressure from individuals close to them, and need to rediscover the reasons for their chosen work by reconciling their past and present.

i sorta mentioned this already in the last point but. yeah

magician: In tarot readings, the Magician Arcana is commonly associated with action, initiative, self-confidence, immaturity, manipulation, and power (more specifically, the power to harness one's talents).

im not exactly sure he has "strong vision and aspiration for the future and the plan they've envisioned", as the wiki states most magician arcanas are: he would have quit spirits and such entirely due to boredom had it not been for mob's appearance. he doesn't really canonically have any romantic interests (then again, i'm pretty sure yuka doesn't either, and i don't have to exactly follow newsona standards), but i do think the aspect of vast self-confidence stumbling in the face of losing your footing towards your goals fits. also he's mob's first friend so do with that what you will

[wisteria-lodge]

exploded bird + lion secondary (badger model)

Good afternoon Wisteria! I was hoping for your input with my sorting. This MAY become a novel, and i apologize ahead of time for that. Hopefully its interesting, if nothing else.

I am having trouble with both my primary and secondary. Ive thought i had it figured out so many times and then i would reanalyze myself and get confused. So i guess ill start with primaries. I can tell you for sure that i am not a snake primary. I just cant love another person quite like that. I grew up in a very snake primary environment and never felt i really fit in. I really appreciate snakes and i understand them, but i dont think i am one. I also very much pride myself on my individuality and dont bond to groups so i believe that may rule out badger. I think ive narrowed it down to exploded bird or really confused lion.

Interesting. So far so good. Let’s hear what you’ve got.

Right now in life, with all the information coming at me, all the data, all of the twists and turns, media bias, conspiracy theories, rabbit holes and objective realities, i cant figure out the truth.

… sounds like an Exploded Bird to me.

I think all theories are worth investigating and rabbit holes are fun. But i hate hypocrisy. And its everywhere.

I mean, everyone hates hypocrisy… but I think Birds find it *unforgivable.*

I cant organize all of this information.

Exploded Bird.

Dude. Whats gonna happen if deep fake becomes the norm?

eh, Photoshop has been the norm for a long time and we do okay. Some fakes have always been better than others, and there have always been fakes.

I feel like the safest thing to do is to fully understand myself. Then i can analyze and understand the world.

I would agree with that.

I would say that hands down i was an exploded bird, but i feel very strongly about things right away. But then i learn about them more and if my feelings were wrong, ok. Whatever.

This is still Bird. It’s not that Birds can’t feel strongly about things right away. They do, they just don’t feel safe TRUSTING those feelings. Instead they do… exactly what you’re describing here. Learn more, and then if it turns out their initial feelings were wrong… that’s fine, actually. The feelings are of secondary importance.

BUT i also WANT black and white. I want right and wrong. Grey, though necessary and true, bugs me.

… there’s a reason why I call young Birds Black-and-White Birds.

Deep down i crave to just understand something as it is. But one persons truth is not anothers. I get that. But it still bothers me in my bones.

That’s a very Bird primary angst. Birds can have this *fantasy* that if only everyone had all the information and thought it though properly, that everyone would come to the same (correct) conclusion. And then have to grapple with the fallout when they realize things don’t work that way. As a Lion… I’ve never had to fight that particular monster.

I can also seem like i make snap decisions based on feelings to others, but i just know what i want. If something sounds good, i want to do it. At that moment. No hesitation… i think im meshing into secondary territory here

I agree. Improvisational secondary, sounds like.

so ill just go with it. So my bedroom walls are lilac purple and my kitchen is BRIGHT yellow, because those colors sounded interesting. At that moment. I tend to jump into a project having no idea what im doing. I just thought it sounded like fun.

Comfortable making decisions on a whim, just jumping in. Very improvisational.

But thats not really a way to problem solve. When i start said project and then run into a problem, usually ill read about it, or ask someone who knows more than me. The “i know a guy” bird kind of applies here. I know how to make connections within my community and i plan for that. I think about who would be useful to know, based on my goals.

You know, this could be Bird. But I’m kind of skewing more Badger because of the emphasis on community and asking for help. And keeping an eye on ‘who is powerful, who is useful to know’ is a pretty common Badger secondary model manifestation.

But i dont think i build tools like a bird. In fact, binge watching videos on how to do something annoys me. Takes all the fun out of it.

I still think you’re an Improvisational secondary - and a Badger secondary model is *more* likely than a Bird secondary model.

I am always honest with people and i like that about me, but its not out of some need to stay true to myself. Its just because i have learned that honesty works the best most of the time.

So not Lion *primary* then. This is all about method. You don’t lie, because you don’t find it to be a very practical problem-solving method. Being very direct does work, so at this point… Lion is more likely than snake.

Now, dont get me wrong, i am an excellent liar. But only if its on the fly.

Hmm. Maybe a Snake who’s in neutral all the time?

This conflicts big time with my primary, however, so i rarely ever do.

Interesting. Lying conflicts with your (hypocrisy hating) Bird primary, so you don’t do it. Instead you are very direct, and that works well for you. You *can* lie (on the fly) but you generally don’t. Neutral Snake? Snake secondary model? Depending on how you define lying, could even be Courtier Badger. (I am ruling out constructed Actor Bird.)

I feel like ive gone all over the place in a highly disorganized way, so i will state that now i am going to give some anecdotal data. One time, as an adult, i was hanging out with a bunch of kids on a hayride. A little boy killed a butterfly. I was outraged. I called him out. I told him that he just took away the only life that creature would ever have and that was cruel.

Very loud Idealist primary.

This somehow turned into a question and answer school session about human biology, mammals and why on earth is water in a cup clear, but when you dive into the ocean, its blue?

Some kind of social secondary… and I know the obvious thing is to say 'trotting out a lot of facts, that’s bird.’ But I’m seeing you defuse a situation by leveraging your immediate community (Q&A session)? Badger.

I like being the person that gets the scary bugs out of the house because i feel brave when i do.

Sounds pretty Lion secondary.

When in an emergency situation i completely disconnect and become a calm, knowledgeable person.

This is actually a pretty common just, human thing. When things get bad enough, your lizard brain takes over, and everything is very calm and dreamlike.

I suddenly magically know what needs to be done and work with my environment.

Improvisational secondary.

Im also very aware of how everyone else is doing in that situation and i have an innate need to make people feel better so im usually the first to lighten the mood. Ill focus on others before myself if im hurt. Im more aware of how they are doing than how i am doing and i will make an effort to help them first.

Ah yes, the 'tend and befriend’ threat response. Very familiar. And yeah, going from this description I’m going to say very social badger.

In video games… skyrim is best here i think. I want to be a sneaky mage thief. But when something attacks me, without thinking i run right up to it and hit it with my fists without armor.

lol lion. (The classic Badger secondary strategy is BUFF ARMOR. I always play tanks.)

But i get really sad if its an animal.Those wolf whimpers get to me every time.

No one likes the wolf whimpers.

Ok. Ok. Ive rambled enough. Thank you for reading! Any input is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

Exploded Bird, easy. And probably a Lion secondary with a very social Badger secondary model that’s working well for you.

[ofcowardiceandkings]

okay @ the anon who asked about 10000 years ago about

The Nerd Document (tm)

tumblr is a garbage site and just ATE my fairly sizeable reply i've had waiting in the wings for a month or so

cool

this is shorter than the original version apologies lol

anyway

ive actually forgotten the original context for your asking but this is the big fella itself and i've probably had some form of it since i first started playing BotW

i like a fantasy dipped in history but i also like streamlined design. it makes me a nightmare DM for myself, but it makes me appreciate Nintendo's decision to have NO entirely useless NPCs in BotW and keep especially inhabited places concise but fleshed out, as opposed to populating a fully sized city with clone zombie models you cant interact with at all [knowing look]

i believe its a given understanding that in reality while Hyrule was decimated and beyond during the Calamity and years after, it isnt actually as sparse as it looks to be, especially given the would-be functional populations for the other races'. additionally to have people do specialised work they need to be fed by OTHER people. subsistence farmers will of course have their own material culture but people with more time on their hands will use that time to do things other than survive. this also correlates to time = value because someone else has to feed the person giving their time but thats another kettle of fish for bartering with ... then there's the likelihood of demand for whatever work is offered by the non-farming person, and at what LEVEL that demand reaches. unless to a certain degree there's a lot of people who can choose to not make their own bread, there wont be bakers. generally speaking there's probably gonna be more weavers than carpenters and more carpenters than chandlers.

thats demographics baybeeeeee

so what else am i going to use my hoard of coursework adjacent knowledge for if im NOT employed in archaeology at the present other than tip it into a blender with Breath of the Wild lol7

this might sound sexy at first but

like really

the most

if its too small to read or too maths for you to bother, tldr; those sheets there have industry listings guaranteed to exist Post-Calamity, canonical means of food production, notes on crop yields and livestock practices under ideal conditions (yarhar farm wisdom im a stealth bumpkin), the actual calculable size of Hyrule (if im not a dumbdumb its about the size of Belgium), calorific intake in grain for the average post-subsistence individual, unstated but certainly canon crops like flax, and a count i did on my mapping survey of all the animals & NPCs physically in Hyrule. Yeah. im so cool.

there's also a few sheets noting inhabited spaces pre-calamity but i may correlate that with how Age of Calamity went if its to be believed, which i believe in part at least setting-wise it IS to some degree realistic to its source, but moving on

for the most part i did it as a brain warm up and practice, but i have drawn several expanded worldbuilding pieces based on it so far, theyre just mostly not finished and/or uploaded yet lmao

the closest i have done is a 3 stage expansion map of Castle Town where i knuckled down and "surveyed" the topography of the ruins like i was doing a building platform survey in the real world using those pithy pre-Calamity cutscenes from BotW main as context .... the final like-to-like map is actually disturbingly similar to what we got in Age of Calamity but i'll need to dig it out to see for sure ... plus a couple versions where Castle Town is Bigger. I've not decided on whether to do a final version where the calculated kilometre-to-map version is taken as true or whether its as it is in a larger field yet.

and then there's the other result of the mapping survey which is where the info for colour and trees and some ruins comes from for the megamap project i've been staring down for a year now (its not abandoned life just happened) but thats a whole other kettle of fish

do you ,, do you see why i love BotWs Zelda so hard now

do you see

(╯‵□′)╯︵┻━┻

anyway

i'll stop now but basically: maths, art i havent posted, dirt nerd

[blows kiss]

[inyoursheets]

1, 6, 17 for the asks!

Tell us about your current project(s) – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

my current and only baby is warm water, which has got seven chapters up as we speak and it’s been a while since ive updated it. it’s a roommates!AU with a friends-to-lovers arc & some heavy mutual pining, self-indulgent fluff and the occasional bed sharing (to be published). progress is going messy af and im feeling sad about that, bc i really enjoyed working on it before and spending time on my first proper multi-chapter fic, whereas now the writing’s just not working? ive got a few chapters written, but the ones that aren’t written fully yet need a loooot of work and for some reason i can’t seem to actually do it, as ive just complained about here. what i love most about it is that ive actually managed to accidentally process some things through it that i didn’t know still needed processing, which was a fun surprise

What character do you have the most fun writing?

i think i had the best time with the instigator’s rhea. she’s invited to my fantasy dinner party!

Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

oh, no doubt, no doubt. other people’s perceptions of me and my work are something i think about far more often than i should. i can’t control people’s perceptions of me, which is a lesson i keep having to learn in all of life. also -- different people perceive things in different ways! which is one of the most fun things about being human, and something i actually love to explore through writing, but also one of the most difficult things to remember and to truly, fully grasp on a day-to-day basis. i worry about what other people think of me a lot, and im trying to stop doing that, bc i like i said, i can’t control it, and can’t please everybody bc different people have different wishes/needs/preferences. i tend to think i annoy just about everybody on this site, but what do i know? also, i might annoy different people for different reasons, some of which i may anticipate (like how incredibly long my ask responses are) and others i may not see coming.

as for how my work is perceived -- i honestly have no fucking clue. the fact that it is perceived at all is mind-blowing in and of itself. somebody even mentioned it on twitter, asking if anyone else was reading warm water, completely unprompted, and people responded???? said they read it and loved it???? WHAT???? ive never even engaged with the good girls fandom on twitter and this just happened? WHAT????????

i keep being pleasantly surprised by people’s reactions to my work. the fact that people read it at all, and sometimes enough to let me know how they feel about it, is wild to me. im shocked to learn that some of my fics have made people reread or refer to them as one of their faves. that is so incredible, bc -- i do that a lot. im a big fic re-reader, and i love fic so, so much, so to know that something i wrote inspired that same thing in somebody else? W I L D. but how people perceive it exactly, im not even sure. id say that most comments i receive don’t include interpretative statements about the fic itself, so id be very curious to know how exactly people do interpret and perceive my work!

i think maybe some readers would be surprised to know how often i use fic to work through my own shit and how much i project onto characters. through writing warm water i suddenly realized (as i hinted towards above) that i actually know what it’s like to be in love with a close friend! something i lowkey forgot about/repressed lololol. i know what it’s like to overanalyze the smallest of things and interpret signals a hundred different ways and swing from ‘it could never mean to you what it means to me’ to ‘.....or could it?’ again and again and again. it is so satisfying to not only accidentally find a way to process that, but that other people actually enjoy the result of that! fic is so cool! i love writing! aaaaah! 

thank you for asking!!!! meta writing asks!!!!

[domesticangel]

ok ive been wanting to do an OC redraw/redesign for a while now and uh, well here it is !!! top is obv the revamp and bottom is these three’s original designs ,,, the bottom pic is 9 years old (holy smokes) so i made them during my middle school emo/scene phase when i was like 12 so thats why they're.........Like That lmao but left to right in both pics is jude, elliot, and skipper!!! this was? so fun honestly

ummm lots of info/backstory about them under the cut lol

so in the original pic/designs… if I remember correctly jude and skipper were in police academy training to be cops and elliot was some punk ass kid theyd end up seeing around a lot cause he was in and out of holding for Delinquent Things, and ofc they magically became friends. Im pretty sure they were all 16/17 when I first made them which makes no sense at all (teen cops??? Ok) but like when ur 12, teenagers are Practically Adults BUT none of that is Canon TM anymore. In their redesign they range from early to late 20’s; I usually peg jude around 26-27, elliot is probably 23-24, and skipper is 21.

jude was the very first oc I ever made so shes always had a special place in my heart… I started churning out rapid fire ocs when I was in middle school that id toss when I was bored with em but shes the one that always stuck around!! Shes been a big honkin lesbian ever since her conception, so id use her a lot to express BabyGay feelings I didn’t really know how else to process. design wise I kinda just simplified her look; I have no fucking clue why she used to have an eyepatch and cat ears (I mean, I do, its because I was a weeb) but I got rid of those along with the scene hair and gave her longer hair with more natural waves and some freckles from spending a lot of time in the sun. her gray eyes and hair were always kind of her signature, so those got to stay! She mostly just wears anything that’s easy enough to move around and get work done in; tank tops, loose long skirts, etc. think futch hippy. anyways jude is now just a simple plant witch who uses her skills and connection with the elements to run a modest local farm, and even though shes fairly content in her lifestyle, she wants nothing more than a gf/wife that she can work hard to give a good life to :3c shes a hopeless romantic and has a bad habit of falling a little bit in love with every woman she meets, but shes mad shy when it comes to flirting, so more often than not shes just a sweaty ball of pining and infatuation. Whenever shes feeling some type of way about a girl she either obsessively takes on projects around the farm or house to distract herself or rants to her plants about how shes too afraid to express her feelings. RIP useless lesbian jude. Anyway shes the oldest of the trio, so shes very protective of elliot and skipper in a mother hen kind of way. She gets embarrassed when she realizes shes lecturing them like a cranky old maid, but they secretly don’t really mind it and often come to her for general life advice. I think her sign would be Taurus :3c (and probably an air moon since she’s kind of a space cadet)

elliot was REALLY FUN to redesign bc I honestly just wanted him to look like one of those people who had a HUGE scene phase way back when and just… never completely grew out of it lmao so I gave him the two-tone mullet he deserves, grown out roots hes definitely not gonna bother to re-bleach and re-dye, and piercing scars under his lip from where he used to have some tacky ass snakebites that he probably had to take out to get a job or something lol. he couldn’t completely give up piercings though, so the labret and gauges got to stay. Dudes not COMPLETELY stuck in 2007, but he does still enjoy a lot of the OG emo/punk bands and the fantasy of making it big in his own band and touring the country in a fashionably clunky van. He doesn’t exactly have a band, but hes working on that. Hes halfway decent on vocals and a guitar so he spends a lot of time combing through the local college town he lives and works in in hopes of finding some people who’d wanna play some gigs with him. But in the mean time, he works as a barista in a local café, which usually hooks him up by letting him do some acoustic sets at night every now and again. Hes a very warm and upbeat person, and will happily engage and talk the ear off of anyone close enough for him to do so, stranger or otherwise. He also regularly reminds jude and skipper how much he loves both of them and how glad he is that theyre all friends; He doesn’t really have much in the way of embarrassment or apprehension when it comes to what hes feeling. Hes the official unofficial “plan-maker” of the friend group and is able to bring them all together for quality time, because hes not at all passive like jude or skipper, and… usually has the most free time out of all of them lol. elliot is pure Leo and that’s about all there is to that

And finally, congratulations to skipper, who against all odds, looked normal enough that I didn’t really have to change anything at all about his design! Just had to ditch the uniform for your typical Tired Gay mustard sweaters. Skipper is an English major in his sophomore year of college who, like most people in their 20’s in liberal arts programs, is desperately trying to figure out what he wants out of life and also doesn’t know what sleeping or self-care is. He really enjoys writing, but doesn’t really know if he wants to do it for a living or if he even could. He grew up with pretty cold and distant parents, so on top of knowing they don’t really approve of his major, he pretty much always operates under the assumption that if hes not working himself to death hes not justifying the space hes taking up or the air hes breathing. Emotionally speaking hes more emo than elliot will ever be and his blood is probably 75% caffeine. He having kind of a rough time tbh but hes gritting it out in hopes that things become more clear eventually. He’d be way worse off if he didn’t have jude or elliot, who hes more thankful for than he can ever bring himself to express. They were essentially his first real, close friends, and despite skipper being incapable of asking for help, they always seem to know when he needs someone to talk to or even just a brief distraction; Jude has an open door policy for her farm and will let him come over and cuddle some rabbits or sit and talk over tea on her porch whenever he needs to, and elliot cant remember the last time hes made skipper pay for anything he ordered from the café, or the last time he even had to ask skipper what he wanted. Because hes the youngest of the three its sometimes their instinct to protect him, which embarrasses skipper out of his mind, but he knows they mean well. Hes the physical embodiment of Just Doing His Best and is a stone cold Capricorn

They’re still besties but basically met just from living in the same town; jude and elliot met when jude started providing the café’s local roast from the coffee beans she grew on her farm so elliot saw her fairly regularly and of course was like Oh Friend? Jude always liked how forthcoming elliot was as it complimented her generally reserved nature, and elliot always thought living on a farm and growing your own food was pretty punk rock and therefore pretty dang cool in his book. They both got to know skipper because he came to the café every. single. day. to ingest ungodly amounts of espresso and study all day, and when elliot took an interest in skipper, jude suggested he invite him to one of his gigs since the poor guy kinda looked like he needed a break. Skipper initially kind of politely shot elliot down, but jude took a chance and found skipper later to tell him how much itd mean to elliot, and that if it made him feel better she’d go with him, since going to events like this was different for her too. skipper apprehensively agreed at that point, and the rest is history !!! they all kinda hit it off after that

tl;dr

[colpeia]

Sungrass Oasis

~ Music ~

The crisp ocean breeze felt revitalizing and abrupt in such sunbaked air. Beneath an otherwise lavender sky, peach colors streaked around the sun as it hid behind a glittering turquoise horizon. Salty sea turtles roamed the shore.

On a large wooden deck overlooking the beach, a pair of tawny blood elves squatted over the sides of opposite lounge chairs.

A pensive sigh escaped Colpeia as she gazed up. “Well, at least we’re no longer hated for what we’re not.”

The solemn nature of Roholly’s nod didn’t stop the characteristically peppy bounce of her ponytail. She said nothing.

“What are mother and father going to do?”

“They’re returning to the glass forge,” Roholly said. “It’s still there, thankfully, and undamaged. So they’re going to continue running Beamgully Crystal like before.” She hesitated, an uncomfortable thought tugging her lips. “I’m honestly not sure whether Eversong Woods is going to welcome them back with awkward guilt, or the same scowls that made them leave. You know how they are about their craft, though.”

“Passionate.”

“I mean, it’s just as well. Finding a suitable place in Dalaran never got easier. Not for them at least.”

“Are you’re staying, then?” Colpeia asked.

There was gratitude in Roholly’s smile. She glimpsed at her feet. “Mhmm. I’ve already settled in, so it’s like, why return to Silvermoon? Why return to a place that was so quick to cast us out? People I had worked with for years acted like they’d never known me... It hurt.” The echo of grief leaking into her voice dropped to bitter sarcasm, “Really, I’d love to see how they deal with telling patients they need a root canal. They were far too sour. The people I work with now are a lot nicer.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“What about you though? Enough clientele?”

Colpeia huffed a laugh, “They haven’t stopped. Though, most of them have been architects. Civilians want to rebuild and protect themselves. After Lordaeron and what happened in Teldrassil, I’m not surprised.” She stopped, her humble expression heralding a confession. “Actually, because of the extra money, there is something else I want to do.”

“What’s that?” Roholly blinked, bewildered. “And honestly, why? Why work any harder when you’ve already such a solid income?”

“When this war started I was already tired. I’ve rested. Now I see a lot of other people tired. Tired, injured, and very sad. I want to give them a place to rest.” Unthinkingly, she turned to the hills winding just behind and beyond the beach house. They resembled dried and knotted-up honeycombs. “A place with soft seats and hot tea. Maybe somewhere in Gadgetzan.”

“That sounds ambitious when you don’t have a tribe to help you,” Roholly joked.

Colpeia looked back at her and returned a knowing smile.

She sat on the bed, her room under the blue blanket of midnight. A silvery glow brushed every contour. The window behind her was open, revealing distant waves glittering under a nearly full moon. Their rhythmic whisper was a soothing but everyday nostalgia to her while a cool draft carried its hush inside. Colpeia’s long stare sank into the vanity mirror against the wall. She looked as dazed as she felt.

Her motivation wasn’t purely altruistic, and she knew it. This was a time of war. She was plagued by an addiction only battles could feed - not for bloodlust or power, but an insatiable redemption she didn’t need in the first place. It spiraled her into a desperate black hole of this-still-isn’t-good-enough-to-absolve-me. If she dedicated herself to soothing survivors, it meant she couldn’t go to wanton lengths rescuing people in danger.

The mathematician knew a negative feedback loop when she saw one. Colpeia was Tildalune’s curse, which made her feel guilty, which piled onto her continued self-blame, which was Tildalune’s curse. She projected her acquaintance’s death onto people in danger only to re-experience severe personal failure if they weren’t saved. This trigger was unavoidable in wartime.

It was fortunate her tribe offered so many methods of mind-healing; they were helping. It couldn’t stop there, however. Constant over-exposure didn’t help to desensitize her, but a change in environment might.

How does one stop a negative feedback loop? Replace the causing variable. After Tildalune’s death, she had fantasies of nurturing her back to health and providing comfort. What if Colpeia frequently did something that she would associate with this ‘fake memory’? She could soothe people who survived danger, instead of succeeding or failing as their white knight.

She could learn to stop. She could focus on how she’d grown to care about Tildalune instead of how she’d failed her.

Tildalune’s spirit could be free to move on. She promised.

A vague breath of a silhouette flashed the corner of her eye, and a honeyed voice beamed in her head:

It’s time. Run, my sweet desert gazelle. It’s waiting for you. You know I’ll be right behind you.

For the next week Colpeia was a montage of sending proposal letters, receiving terms, ordering equipment, and huddling over a floor plan.

In an eclipse-like flash, holding a crescent pendant, she vanished. Colpeia reappeared amidst the celestial themed tents and Silithus-esque crystals floating above the ground. Presenting her floor plan to a gradually swelling group, she delved into thorough detail - the aesthetic, the business plan, the modest building she’d be renting, the spirit of the lounge. The appraising eyes mulling over her words eventually exchanged amenable glances.

Several yards from the shore, a herd of camels sped majestically across the gold sand, their hooves kicking up clouds in their wake. Thick ribbons of cloth gracefully fluttered behind their human and elven riders. Gadgetzan drew nearer.

Slowing to a saunter through the dusty port town, the half-dozen Shafise approached the clay dome building Colpeia had described. Knicks of moderate wear greeted them.

The following month was a slew of repairs, painting, tiling, heaving furniture, positioning lights atop secured ladders, and repositioning ornaments. Regularly catered at the entrance were water and food fine enough to convey a grateful gesture. 

Sungrass Oasis was ready to open.

Colpeia sat over the bar scanning over a collection of slender menus. They catalogued an overwhelming list of loose-leaf and blooming flower teas. The rest were fanciful snacks: clamlette magnifique, clam chowder, goblin deviled clams, firebloom crab cakes, cactus fruit salad, Shafisian desert dumplings, hot roc wings, fried scorpid, and prickly pear sorbet. She wasn’t initially pleased about needing a supply of meat, until a goblin explained they always had these ingredients leftover after pest control and harbor maintenance. It was good they didn’t go to waste. This would also give the Shafise tribe the opportunity to showcase some of their traditional recipes along with blends.

Though a hole-in-the-wall, it was contemporary chic and polished, a message of modern class that she knew would hook the landlord’s interest. The floor was tiled in sleek black, and the walls painted white, brought to life by voguish artwork. Framed in thick, black frames, the paintings were as soothing as they were stylish. They depicted modern abstract, turquoise beaches, and desert blossoms. A few were pieces that might have been pretentious in another setting, but somehow felt innocently trendy here. Two of them were offset by equidistant sandstone bowls resting in tasteful square impressions on the wall. Sweeping glass sculptures ribboned with solid colors, some glittering in the light, added bold character. Most of them were feet tall and stood on the floor.

On each black chair was a plush, pale yellow cushion. Filled with sand, sea glass, and shells, a candle resting in a glass bowl embellished every table, along with a daisy in a white vase. A handful of firebloom petals were strewn about them. 

Outdoor seating overlooking the beach waited behind a thick curtain. It ironically had more space than inside. Fit for a posh vacation photograph, a pergola strung with lanterns hung over the display, with translucent lilac curtains draped to the sides. To keep customers warm in the chilly desert evenings, a gemstone fire pit sat in the middle. The area was lined with potted, flowering cacti and a low wicker-weave fence. In place of daises were 

One task remained before it opened: Reach out to old friends.

[ahnwriting]

Oh wait shit did I tell y’all?? I dont think I did! Book 2 is fully drafted, and I said I’d wait a month after completing the draft before revising it again (bc otherwise I’ll never be able to look at it with fresh eyes)— it’s almost been a month!

In a few days I’m gonna start the new round of revising with help from comments from some amazing beta readers. And then once that round of revising is done, I’m gonna actually look at getting an editor—I’m broke right now so it’s kinda iffy, I’m totally willing to pay an editor what they’re worth and I really don’t wanna skimp on this stuff (esp on an 80k-word book), but I’m also just crossing my fingers reaaaal hard that by the time I finish the next revision round, I’ll have enough paychecks stacked up to pay for the editor that I want.

If i do end up needing extra money, I might try to finish MAIL-ORDER SWEETS and put it up on Amazon. Idk, I’ll have to look up Ao3 rules about having content on there that’s also available for sale—I don’t want to take down free shit ive already posted bc that just seems mean-spirited, but i also dont wanna be that asshole who posts half a story online for free and then makes you pay for the rest—and Im pretty sure Ao3 has strict rules against that anyway. But i could make it a more optional thing, like “hey, you can read it for free online here, but if u wanna support me with a buck or two and also have this sexy story available on ur kindle, go to amazon!” Idk, that’s a nice little fantasy to have.

But also, while I’m working on revising BLOODBATH, I’m probably gonna be ping-ponging across all sorts of projects. A lot of them are porn, admittedly. I might end up putting bits and pieces online—most likely that’s gonna happen on my website, stephanie-ahn-books.com . Tumblr has been instrumental for me in finding my people and craft and I’ll always be grateful for that, but y’all, this place has horrible format for posting writing. So if you really enjoy my shit and wanna see more but dont want the hassle of checking tumblr or twitter and scrolling past reblogs and shit, go subscribe to my newsletter!

Uhhhh I think that’s it??

Oh, but also—I did just draft a whole new chapter of THEODORA. So for those of you pervs who are looking forward to that...... ohohohohohooooo ( ͡° ل͜ ͡°)

[swampgallows]

i need to practice driving but i always feel so FUCKING tired. this whole week ive just been exhausted to all fuck. my jaw hurts today. all my teeth hurt. everything hurts. i hurt emotionally and spiritually and i need to overcome being paralyzed with shame about the dentist. im scared she will yell at me (she never would) or do a bad job (she hasnt so far) that will leave me in more pain, like my first dentist. i have to save my teeth while i can but im also terrified of how much it will cost. but i know i cant live like this. and i know it’s not entirely my fault because my dad’s teeth are the same, as were his dad’s teeth, and i’m just stuck with their genetics. ive been brushing my teeth and using my waterpik and wearign my mouthguard every night and i deep disinfect it every sunday in mouthwash and im unfortunately not able to adjust my diet much, but ive been drinking more water, and if i drink soda or juice i have a glass of water with me to chase every sip. even when i drink milk i follow up with water. the problem is i think most of the damage is already done. i can barely eat without being scared i’ll shatter my teeth, and theyre so sharp and pitted it makes it hard to chew anything. 

my dad always says one of his regrets was that he didnt take better care of his teeth, and i feel the same way, but we’re also fucked by our genetics. i mean, his dad had dentures by 17 and soda n shit barely even existed in fucking uhhhh 1930? 

i just feel like a fuckign failure. my body is shit, my brain is shit, my spirit is shit, my heart is shit, my mind is shit. it’s just all fucking shit. 

i just feel like i’m stuck at a dead end. i looked up my code school subscription today to make sure it wasn’t going to charge me for another year and i just thought wow, another thing i fucking failed at. sure i could learn python. but why? what for? still had no idea what i’d even use it for. i had no practical application for it. i dont know what kind of programs id write. i dont want to write programs. i dont want to make video games or work in software. i dont give a shit about computers. i dont care about anything. i dont want to do anything. i dont want to live any more.

im still awaiting the last few people for the zine to write me back. i’m still researching what im gonna do in terms of pre-orders, but i think im gonna have to just host on my own marketplace like tictail or bigcartel or something and then distribute them on my own. once i finish my initial layout for the zine i can finalize a version for the other publisher, then depending on the number of preorders ill send it off to whichever publisher can fulfill the order. lulu has an option to sell through their marketplace but i think i’ll just do it myself either way (since printninja will have to ship to me first, and then i ship out individually).

im having a lot of anxiety about it because my parents were psyched about the project and then just like... id ont know how to explain it, they dont fucking listen to me when i talk and get a wrong idea in their head about what it is that im doing and then act really disappointed when i remind them of the actual reality of  my project. my dad thought i was illustrating a medical journal. 

im just sick of being a failure. im sick of never being good enough.

im sick of writing and im sick of complaining and im sick of being in pain.

maybe i want a beauty and the beast fantasy because i want someone to just take me away from here. i want to end up in a situation where no, i cant come home, no, i dont know when im going to be home, it’s out of my control, just as an excuse to not have to answer to anybody about where i am, and whoever takes me will be tall and strong and powerful, and they can take me to a place where i can ride my bike freely, where i can run through a field of flowers, where i can get access to resources and environments to maintain my health. i need to be uprooted from this blight so i can stop inhaling black mold, but i have nowhere to go and no one to go with. if i were whisked away then i wouldnt have to make the choice. 

the ancient magus bride is a female fantasy for a reason.

[boof-kun]

Do those... asks...

@bicep-naruto​ thank ;)

(1)Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed?

closed

(2) Do You Have Freckles?

nop

(3) Can You Whistle?

i used to be able to but now i cant :/

(4) Last Song You Listened To.

stan the beatsmith - heaven or hell

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour?

purple but i also v like black, blue, turquoise/teal, and pastel colors

(6) Relationship Status.

songle

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now?

48 degrees fahrenheit

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky?

i woke up tired but i wasnt  cranky

(9) How Many Followers?

332

(10) Zodiac Sign.

capricorn

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour?

brown

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily?

no but i do take a couple different medicines

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower?

no

(14) What Books Are You Reading?

rule of the bone by russell banks

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14.

this is a random book from a drawer (i havent even read the book i dont know why it was in there) “...and snarling about everything. Four smokers were...”

(16) Favourite Anime?

hhhHHHHH I HAve ToO MANY (death note is one of my favorites for sure though)

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of?

i think my dad?

(18) Do You Collect Anything?

i like putting stickers on my door (and i have a bunch of sheets of stickers in a drawer) if that counts as collecting something

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch?

i literally cannot remember

(20) Do You Dance In The Car?

no

(21) Favourite Animal?

cats are good friends. i also like penguins and dogs.

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics?

no

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed?

sometimes eight but usually around one

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now?

no

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean?

pool

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog?

yours ;)

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water?

water from the fridge thingy

(28) What Makes You Happy?

you, video games, my cat, remembering rlly weird dreams

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music?

mmmmmmm its about the same but its harder to focus if the music has words

(31) Dogs Or Cats?

i love both but cats are more chill

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be?

the one no one uses

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox.

i have a playstation but for all i know xbox could be better

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean?

ocean. lakes are scary

(35) Do You Believe In Magic?

black magic (bc religion)

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing?

green

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue?

no

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It?

i save money until i find something that i want to buy

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You?

the blanket underneath me has some pink on it, theres a few random items with pink, some pink gel pens+markers+paints, and some pink on the stickers on my door and on the drawings from when i was little

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now?

yakuza 0

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly?

like once or twice in third grade. one also landed on my thumb in my backyard.

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People?

not unless their thinking is convincing

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams?

yell heah

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes?

not really bc theyre boring

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry.

im not sure ive cried of a movie tbh

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds?

sunflower seeds

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be?

id probably sell the ticket tbh

(48) Are You A Picky Eater?

slightly picky

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper?

no

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning?

no i like thunder/lightening the sky goes pew pew

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write?

i like both even though i literally never write 

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud?

yeah but i get a headache after a while if im wearing headphones and its loud

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents?

carve pumpkins

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up?

i dont have an actual playlist. i just like videos (mostly music) on youtube and choose what i want to listen to (i dont unlike any of the songs i dont listen anymore just because i want to look back at what i used to like ten years from now). anyway ill just close my eyes and choose something random bc if i shuffle it i wont know where anything is:

lights - klaypex

^^ i used to listen to that v often in fourth grade (i still like it tho)

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather)

fall

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now?

love and affection

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed.

(58) What Is Your Gender?

female

(59) Coffee Or Tea?

tea even though i dont drink either

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About?

i have a project for ceramics about 3d art from an ancient civilization, a specific artist, or from a movement

(61) What Is Your Sexuality?

aroace

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning?

ive been sleeping on the floor for the past few months so no

(63) Favourite Pokemon?

i dont have a favorite but when i was younger i used to watch pokemon all the time and i remember i loved piplup

(64) Favourite Social Media?

tumble dot come

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories?

i dont have much of an opinion on them

(66) Do You Get Homesick?

sometimes 

(67) Are You A Virgin?

yeah

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now?

pantene conditioner and dove shampoo i think? i usually get something random

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free?

id probably sleep in my car bc im afraid of motels especially crappy ones. i always feel like someones watching me in motels/hotels + since its a motel it might be nasty and im not taking that risk

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life?

ye

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters?

i dont watch movies

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex?

dont have one

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now?

all of the 34 sad quotes i showed you :))

(74) What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest?

i like all of them. i dont find any of them “””“sexy””””” though

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set?

GOD i was obsessed with swinging when i was younger... like my best friend and i in preschool were known for being inseparable and for always going really high on the swings. and ye, i still get excited when i see a swing set

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate?

i dont remember what i did five minutes ago let alone what the last thing i ate was

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone?

neko atsume and thats it

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not?

no bc i dont know how to do cpr. if i did then sure bc itd be the right thing to do probably

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?

yEALL HEAH

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network?

also: YEALL HEAHHE

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People?

mmmm typically no

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them.

no

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?

its open but barely bc i dont want the light to come in

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today?

ate, saw you ;), and nearly poke myself in the eye

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed?

sweatpants and a tshirt

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now.

UUUU soap

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person?

night

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc.

wii u - botw, twighlight princess, hyrule warriors

ps4 - persona 5, fallout 4, neir automata, ffxv, yakuza 0, and two other final fantasy games

3ds + dsi that doesnt work anymore - animal crossing, ace attorney the trilogy, super smash bros, pokemon x, devil survivor 2, a mario game that avarey gave me, cooking mama 2, this zoo game that i lost, gardening mama, and maybe one more?

phone - neko atsume

((im planning on selling a few games))

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

i can tell you irl bc theres a lot and its be more confusing if i wrote it out ;))))

(90) Favourite Soda Drink?

coke

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite?

f u n k y sounds + i heard some asmr of a person cutting chalk, soap, wood, etc. and that sounded nice

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More?

jeans when im going out, sweatpants at home (so probably sweats more)

(93) How Do You Look Right Now?

ungly

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You.

laying down and pretending im dead

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want?

maybe one of a constellation? or of a symbol from a video game or something i rlly like and means a lot to me

(96) Favourite YouTuber?

mmmm dan and phil are p entertaining and so is jenna marbles

[maniactypewriter]

The backlog Week 4 [where the hell have you been edition]

I LIVE! In all seriousness, when im at school, I don't have access to my gaming computer and my laptop doesnt have enough space free for a project like this. Anyway, I am back for the next month, so let's get to the first game(s) 

Anomaly warzone earth + Anomaly 2 playtime: 4 hours total

Im bundling these two together as they are very similar in game play. In Warzone Earth, you play as the 14th platoon deployed into the heart of the Anomaly, a giant mysterious dome that crash landed on top of Baghdad and tokyo. As the platoon leader, its your job to make sure the convoy of APCs and walking missile platforms gets through the level safely. The game refers to itself as a tower offense game. Essentially its a tower defense game, but instead of placing down towers, you are the targets that the towers are shooting at. Your vehicle team is constantly moving forward and its your job as commander to choose the right path for the vehicles to drive down and to strategically deploy the four power ups at your disposal. Your tools include a repair which heals your units, a smoke screen which makes enemies less likely to hit your units, and a decoy, which enemies will shoot at instead of your units. Usually the player is spending their time babysitting the convoy and rushing to collect more powers as they are dropped from killed enemies. Each mission has a different objective, but it usually devolves into, get to a place and kill all the towers. 

Anomaly 2 is much the same as its predecessor. Set in the far future after an alien invasion, the earth has frozen over and humanity’s numbers are dwindling. Humanity’s only hope is a single convoy on their way through a frozen america to get to New york. As this is the future, humanity's weapons have evolved as well. The standard ACP with a gatling gun on top has evolved into a car with two gatling guns. And it also turns into a walking mech flamethrowers mounted on either arm. Bad ass. The power ups have also changed a little. You have your standard repair bubble, there is a focus power up which will tell all your units to focus fire on one tower you want particularly dead and an emp type power up which will disable enemy towers for a short while. Anomaly 2 also has multiplayer, but I didn't play that as it is most likely dead at time of play. 

Antihero playtime: 70 minutes

Antihero is a competitive digital board game where each player plays as a master thief in a victorian england type setting. As the leader of a thieves guild, you have to go around a burgle the good people of “London” to fund your operations and buy pieces to put around the board. You can hire urchins to occupy specific buildings for special bonuses, hire thugs to block access to areas, and gangs to off your opponent's units and hunt down targets (as well as making a little extra dosh along the way.) this game takes advantage of being a digital board game because everything your opponent does is done mostly in secret. Obscured by the smog of war, you can not see what your opponent is doing, which could spell your doom if you aren't fast enough to look into his territory with your master thief. 

I am not great at this game. I couldn't get past the second level on easy mode that's how bad I am. However, I can see it is a fun game, and I can see how this game’s multiplayer was popular for a time. However, I dare not go there as I fear that I may be utterly stomped by a player who has had several years more practice than I have at this game.

Apotheon playtime: 4 hours

Apotheon is the story of one greek guy not named kratos going to olympus to kick the butts of all the greek gods. The most striking thing anyone playing this game will notice is the artstyle. It is drawn to resemble Greek pottery paintings. You know the kind. The ones that depict Hercules doing his trials or some other greek hero doing something impressive. Anyway, story. The earth has been screwed over by the gods because chronic rapist Zeus decided to revoke humanity’s access to the things that are necessary to life. Hera picks you as her champion then sends you to mt Olympus to gather the gifts of the gods and maybe smack some sense into her cheating husband along the way. The game play is a 2D mix of dark souls and metroidvania games that are so prevalent in the modern day. However, Apotheon came out before the current wave of soulslikes so there is some small growing pains. Combat is kinda clunky and your character can sprint at 30 miles an hour but immediately slows down to a crawl whenever he so much as touches a staircase. Combat as mentioned before is mildly clunky. It uses a physics engine to do all its swings and stabs. Heavy weapons like a club have a wide swing arc and is directed by which way you tilt the left analog stick. The Reliance on physics to get the job done can lead to some interesting results. I saw one raider in the first area get launched into space after being double teamed by me and a friendly malita man. Apotheon is an interesting game with a stunning artstyle and compelling exploration. Which in this modern age of soulslike metroidvanias, is all you really need to stand out. 

Aquaria play time: 1 hour

Speaking of metroidvanias, Aquaria. As the name suggests, the game is an underwater metroidvania mostly concerned with puzzle solving over combat. You play as Naija, a lonely fish lady who can use the power of song to do magic. As a fish lady, you can swim around the oceanic caverns with relative freedom. The game wants to be played with a mouse and keyboard, as my attempt to play it with a controller was thwarted swiftly. As is fitting for a game where the protagonist’s main power is singing, the game has a killer soundtrack. In the little bit ive heard when I was playing, it was some pretty good music. Visuals are decent. The game has a hand painted aesthetic, however some of the animations are kinda stiff and stilted. This game was originally released in 2007 after all. Small indie metroidvanias were not knocking it out of the park yet in terms of animation yet (im sure someone will correct me on that point eventually…) the small amount I played had me swimming around a claustrophobic map going around and solving puzzles that lead me to new areas and new song powers. One of the first i got was the ability to pull around large rocks. The second allowed me to transform into an old fish goddess and shoot energy missiles at hostile fish. While the game is focused on puzzles and exploration, that doesn't mean it is devoid of combat. I feel as this is the weakest part of what i played. I gave up on the game when i died to a puzzle boss who’s apparent solution didn't work. There is probably a lot I didn't see in my short time with the game. There is a whole cooking mechanic that I didn't fully grasp, as well as pets and the ability to decorate the main character’s house with special decorations you found out in the world. I may revisit this game at some later point, but for now its going back into the backlog as I search for more interesting games with less obtuse boss fights. 

Armello playtime 2 hours

Armello is yet another digital board game. Set in a fantasy version of zootopia, the king of the land has fallen ill with the Rot. and all the clans of the land have sent their strapingest of adventurers to go and try and claim the throne for themselves. This can be done in one of four ways. Having the most honour points (gained by killing other players, or completing quests), gather four spirit stones and cleansing the king of Rot, having the most Rot yourself, or just straight up murdering the king. In the few matches I have played, the easiest one to achieve is the Honour victory, although that might just be my play style. Like most board games, rounds are taken in turns. Each player has a certain amount of hexes they can move, and landing on spaces will have different effects. Most events that happened as a result of landing on a space are luck based. “Perils” have you rolling dice, quests have you selecting from a circle of icons trying to pick the one that will net you a reward, and a random spinner that could give you anything from rot to gold to teleport you to the other side of the map. Once everyone has had their turn, day turns to night and new monsters spawn on the board. When the sun rises again, the king dies a little from his fantasy aids and gives the person with the most honor points the choice between two Decrees which will most likely be terrible for everyone involved. On top of all this, players have access to a hand of three cards. Which have various effects. Proper use of your cards can lead to victory or defeat depending on who you're playing as. Armello has an online mode, but like the other online modes in this batch of games, I dare not touch for fear of getting crushed. The game also has an online store where you can buy new skins for your dice and new character packs. It's a fun little board game, but im putting it on the shelf for now because i’ve had my fill and have  no friends to play it with. 

[imissyoulilgucciv]

So this has become more of a journal/grief thing which is interesting because I’ve also had a blogger but set to private since like 13 so thats intense and I have thousands of compulsive letters to no one, but my head just doesn’t seem to sort itself out, unless I can actually slow down enough, like right here. 

Today, 

Woke up 2 hours earlier than usual so I could have 1.5 hours more to instal my art, the word art makes me uncomfortable which is funny to me, so I went to install my thing but there was an accident so instead I got there with 30 mins, I got most of it done but not all, didn’t matter it was an inprogress crit and I could enough up to see. I always have so much in my head and I also used text this time which I thought was also funny because when talked about they called it poetry and I just didn’t even look at it like that 

I feel like this is the first project I didn’t stress over at all, but also had a lot of time to do it and no pressure from the teacher with harsh deadlines or anything so that was part of it, the other part is being in such a place of discomfort and shock that I have to be slow and I don’t have it in me to add any more chaos to the grief I’m feeling. So for me that is actually one benefit of this, its just saying fuck it to a lot of things, but in good ways. 

 my teacher cried during my crit which made me feel just great, and then I didn’t get a parking ticket but I should have, so I was excited and left but then went back to remove my shit and photo and then I went to get my car and bring it closer for the camera (long story) but I drove my car back in a slightly different spot and then still got a ticket because  the chalk was still on my wheels even though I was gone for at least an hour and a half. but whatever theres like 4 hours worth of “work”, not my biggest worries though. 

Then I busted my phone, my thoughts were oh well now I have an excuse for not wanting to respond to this persons text about hanging out.  

so i go get my old phone to see if I should still use that one, and ofcorse doing this leads me to 1 years worth of messages with gus. The struggle is real, I can’t even cry because this is so overwhelming, I knew it was always hard, and I was different this time around because I Was pushing back, but like you just see the back and forward nature and gus is like “im done” this is too much for me and then the next day or same day its like hopeful for the future we have and even one that was a super cute photo of like flower people (to me it was super sexual but he didn’tn notice this until I pointed it out then we joked  about being watered) but he said he wouldn’t worry any more and that he was sure no matter where we ended up we’d do something good or something like that, something that could make a small difference or whatever and that is heartbreaking, then you know the next day all over again fast and furious and I imagine how exhausting that was for gus, it’s overwhelming and I Feel in my state of greif I can understand BUT from the point of view that I have a reason to feel these ways which is much easier than to have a seemingly perfect life, beautiful face, no visible problems and people think stop whining or whatever and you feel crazy as shit because nothing feels right but nothing is wrong except you. Thats not a good feeling. Thats the invisible wheel chair. I just wish I had done so many different things, and said so many different things, I started joining in on the upset because I Wasn’t going to do that this time, I was being hurt to so lots of fuck you’s and I love yous and its fucking nuts, its all nuts, and this was the last time... I had no idea what I was in for. I could have done better but I was too involved, and also blinded by optimism. you don’t know whats in someones head and I forgot while gus was honest, he also had a way of only discolosing certain info, I thought he didn’t do that with me but in reality I can see now he did, just like he picked and chose what to tell his therapist about me, so that my image was protected. Gus was odd in that way, to protect my image because of how he felt, and its not that he was protecting his image to me, but I know he did want us to work out and he was giving me his best sides, and I loved those sides, and to think I got all the good, and yet still by the day, maybe week, maybe once a month you name it we would have really confusing fights where he would insit on withdrawing and I should have let him, I should have understood it was TOO much like he said I mean I thought I felt it was too much too, but like then it comes down to the I dont want to live without you 

and he realizes he can’t live with me 

and he doesn’t want to keep hurting me or his mom, and he realizes he could actually really hurt either one of us when he’s not making any sense 

and its exhausting back and forth, one week feels like a fucking month, and I think his whole teen/adult life was like that, it was super condensed and super fast. He did travel, he did live in a commune for a period, dual citizenship, went through a good amount of personality growth and interests, and the last being one that I respect a lot, permaculture, and then the things that stayed the same with him like the inside jokes and the laughing, his clenliness and interest in some rap with the perfect lyrics and same taste in music, so loving, so embracing. 

I can’t read these and think its over, I still open the door to his room when I get home and I think Hey Gus I’m back!! and I want to tackle him and give him all the hugs and kisses. The thing is we never had that though, I mean I never came home here, this was never my home, always a place I felt welcome but I didn’t live here, and I didn’t come here like every day nor usually when I was done with school, there would be times wher eI’d come but he would greet me at the front door, so this coming into the room and him being there is a fantasy I’ve created, Its the one where I think god like why couldn’t this be how it was, why couldn’t we have been this ideal happy family.. why did you have to leave, and why did I go so hard on you, and I know it wasn’ my choice but I really I’m so stubborn I can’t get over it I can’t forgive myself, I can’t thin it couldn’t have been different because it could have, and it wasn’t and I was part of that circle. I failed in ways I wasn’t aware of but I still feel accountable. 

So now to complete my overwhelming day, 

to see the medium perform ! Gus I hope you come, Ive been talking outloud to him, it comforts me, I think now Im going to be crazy lady , the one that doesn’t talk to cats but talks to the deceased bf. 

Its a disaster. I can’t be the same. I feel so wrong, but also free in all my wrongness because I can say piss off, I’m still working on  my piss of people pleasing skills because it just happens, I get nervous, then adrenaline that allows me to perform instead of being myself, or how I Feel. instead I can only use words and when my expression doesn’t match people don’t take me seriously, how can I blame them ?

I just miss you, 

I have a bracelet from the women in my group, she said she thought of me, that means so much to me, it says “my story isn’t over yet” super cliche but the intention and the person behind it just makes me cry because we share the worst thing imaginable. Blessed. although I’m not sure how to ever wear it because its a set size metal bangle type which never fit my wrists. 

I feel pretty nuts when I write like this, but I’d rather be here than having real friends and feeling like im going to have a melt down. I can’t cry right now even after reading those texts, I don’t know how I feel. I’m confused and upset but its numbing today. 

I do think gus was Bipolar which was what he said the first time around, he had actually been diagnosed, but that fell through, which I partically wonder if that was my influence on him and unfortunately I think between me and drug counceling he was oppossed to understanding the benefit of medication/or even necessity, and also the benefits of being diagnosed so proper treatment can at least be attempted, even though, unfortunately, the books just don’t always work. Like the book of parenting, or relationships because  I Was all wrong, and I have to think from the side of being with someone mentally ill, while I knwo I can’t be treated like crap, most of the time gus wasn’t treating me poorly other than making me hurt by the break ups and while I knew sometimes it was him being withdrawn and worried about how I felt, or being paranoid and we’d be okay sometimes it wasn’t that easy and my emotions would also take over so I’d believe him entirely and I’d be very hurt because it would always be very sudden. if only wed gotten help sooner, but I think again this time he was actually doing everything by the “book” all at once, he was invested in his interests, he was working out, he had a routine, a loving girlfriend, he was sober, seeking help.. 

and then he looses his shit with me and we think okay moving therapy up 

then he looses his shit with his mom 

then he’s gone 

it doesn’t feel good when you’re doing all the “right” things, thats why I said he wasn’t patient, you expect results, tired of hurting people and tired of feeling hurt, overwhelmed and the fucking pyshcotic voices convincing you of things that make no sense and go against what is actually true, the ones that tell you we’d be better off without you. the ones that told you I was lying or only using you, or whatever

IT wasn’t fair for you or us, and this is the price for all of it. We’d do anything to have you back. I still would have rather been taken out first, but that isn’t what happened. I need your mom to have something from you, I have my dreams but she is sinking and needs to hear something, what is “real” doesn’t matter because to me, whats there is real, just like your delusions, they were real.