#It's up for preorder Right Now woohoo!

[yugsly]

A guy and his puppet. Some pages in-sequence for my upcoming comic, Viscera Objectica.

[halberdierminister]

woohoo it's the last day of march let's check in on those GOALS

1. Write 250 Words Each Day There were more than a couple days where I missed this. That said, I absolutely have written MOST days, and 100% average more than 250 words per day for the entire month. Still doing this just about as well as I can.

2. Read 55 Books This Year I have read only 7 books this month, the least of any month so far. That said, one of them was even longer than the longest book I read each of the preceding months. Altogether, though, I am at a grand total of 30 books for the year, so I am still very much on track. I think if I make it past 55 books, I will reward myself with an e-reader, knowing that I will finally be able to get a good use out of it.

3. Get a Full Time Job I started my full time job at Half Price Books! And I worked there for a week! And then the Governor shut the business down at least until April 25! But the good news is that eventually I should be receiving a check for TWO WHOLE WEEKS of pay, AND luckily I am still technically an employee of Half Price Books. I haven't been doing any other job searching because really fuck that right now. Who is going to be hiring?

4. Move Out of my Parents' House I can't even casually LEAVE my parents' house, let alone move out.

5. Drink Less Soda Drinkin' less soda!

6. Get Something Published - Submitted 13 pieces to 3 literary journals this month. Have received one rejection so far. - Got accepted for a poem I sent to a zine last month! That should be coming out in April or May. - Got approved to write a new fic for the fanzine I applied for last month! - Got a new fic published in [Eclipse]: A Fanzine! It's a Problem Sleuth/Homestuck Intermission fanzine, and you can download it at the previous link or you can read my fic on its own here.

7. Finish Writing A Legitimate Businessman In January, I wrote 6,654 words for it. At the time, this was the most I had ever written for it in a month. In February, I wrote about half that at 3,260. This month, I have written 11,493 words PLUS over 300 words of outline that hasn't been elaborated on yet. I have NEVER written this much on one project in such a small time outside the context of school. Add to that the other writing I've been doing and I have never even written this much in a single month AT ALL outside the context of school. I am so close to the end of this fic you guys. I'm literally in the middle of writing the climax. THE CLIMAX. JESUS JEREMY JOSEPH.

8. Write More The Revelation of Takaya According to Jin Oh yeah, I finished writing that last month.

MINOR GOALS

9. Finish Playthroughs Of: -LOZBOTW: finished in January -P3P100%: didn't touch it and not sure if I'm gonna actually 100% this one. I have the two final bonus bosses left before the actual boss, and I don't know that I can beat them with the equipment that I have. And if I do, it won't be even a little bit fun and there won't be any useful reward besides the satisfaction of 100%ing the game. Which is still… kinda big. Idk. Idk. -P1GoodEnding: didn't touch it. -Pokemon Sword Post Game Plot: Completed it! It was unsatisfying. I sold the game, though I'm sure I'll get it again one day when I have more people to play it with. -Pokemon Let's Go Eevee: While I beat the game in February, I talked with a coworker at Preplayed this month before leaving and managed to trade for Mew, which I of course gave back. But that means my pokedex in Pokemon Let's Go Eevee is 100% complete, something I've never done before! - Persona Q 2: I uh… again have not continued this since I left off in February. Guess this would be a good time to do that, huh. Considering I won't be able to play Persona 5 Royal until god knows when. I won't even be able to pick up the copy I preordered and paid for in full until after the quarantine ends. I know there's much more serious reasons to be upset about Coronavirus, but I'm gonna be petty here and say fuck coronavirus for this specifically too.

10. Record More Ukulele Videos I recorded one actually right after saying I didn't record any last month. So I recorded one on the final day of February. None in March. I didn't put it on youtube because it's embarrassing, but I did upload it here.

11. Record Let's Plays Nope.

12. Duolingo? 91 day streak! Not as many streak freezes this month, but still one or two.

13. Work Out? Occasionally gone for walks. That's not enough.

This is only just over 850 words, but I wrote at least 300 earlier today so I'm still winning that goal HARD.

[fuckyeahgakuenheaven]

*flops over* IT’S BEEN A BUSY DAY. I finally finished the fic that’s been making  me question all my abilities as a writer, and I edited the FINAL GAKUEN HEAVEN 2 SHORT STORY. 

Yeah, that’s right, this is the LAST (printed) short story for GH2 that we haven’t shared yet! There are still some preorder mini dramas, the translations of which are already in the works! :D

ANYWAY! Here’s the lovely Takato/Yuki story from Hot Hot Winter Heaven, the Comiket 87 GH/GH2 book. Seriously, Takato always gets THE BEST writing and I’m almost pissed on behalf of the other characters, lol. :D

THIS STORY CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR TAKATO’S ROUTE!

An Extravagant Day Off

Umm. After all, I got the feeling it was different when it came to books.

I had gotten lost in reading the new volume of ZombieChan that went on sale recently, and before I knew it, it was time for roll-call. Even after curfew, I turned on the bedside light and got absorbed in reading the rest of the book. ZombieChan was always so interesting. I knew the story since I'd been allowed to read the manuscript, but I still ended up crying at the same parts.

Still, it was strange. What part of Takato-san had this story come from? As I was thinking about it, I heard a soft knock.

"Asahina, may I come in?"

It was Takato-san! I hurriedly opened the door and Takato-san was standing in the darkened hallway, dressed casually. Maybe he'd just showered, since his hair was a bit wet.

"...May I come in?"

That low whisper was, to put it simply, that sort of invitation.

At my small nod, Takato-san slipped inside. He closed the door behind himself, and after locking it, his gaze stopped at the bed.

"I was just reading."

"...Is that so?" Takato-san's face relaxed into a faint smile. "This is perfect. Asahina, will you accompany me for a bit this weekend? We'll go carousing using the royalties."

Carousing? I tilted my head at the unfamiliar word.

"Let's have a night on the town. It's all my treat."

"Huh!? Is that okay!?"

"Of course. I want to have a good time with you."

A date with Takato-san. And one with carousing. I couldn't refuse. At my deep nod, Takato-san smiled an unusually happy smile and embraced me.

~~~

And so, on Saturday, once classes were over, Takato-san and I left the school island and went directly downtown.

"Let's start with shopping for clothes," Takato-san said and took me into a specialty store with an all-glass shop front. The inside was quiet with Western music playing softly, and the slightly mature atmosphere made me excited. The subdued colors of the shirts and jackets on display gave them a very different look from the clothes I was currently wearing.

Oh, but this t-shirt might be nice. I causally picked up the shirt that had caught my eye and glanced at the price.

...I wish I hadn't looked. It said 30,000 yen.

I drew back my hand in a panic, and behind me Takato-san was also looking at the shirts. But unlike me, who was flustered, he looked as calm as ever. "Asahina, how do you like this shirt?"

"I don't know..." I was scared by the prices and didn't feel comfortable shopping in a place like this. Well, everything I was wearing from coat to shoes, altogether it was about 10,000 yen.

"Did you forget? Today we're out carousing."

"But..."

If I was going to pay 30,000 yen for something, I'd rather go ten times to all-you-can-eat yakiniku.

"Asahina."

I flinched and Takato-san's expression suddenly softened.

"I want to get closure."

"Closure?"

"Yes. The new volume that just came out is the last novel I wrote before we started dating. The one I wrote when I was desperate to keep my mother and myself from being consumed," Takato-san replied, lowering his eyes slightly.

What feelings were going through his mind? But he didn't put it into words and just smiled.

"It's all in the past now. So I want to spend this money foolishly. Please allow me dress you up the way I like and go on a date with you."

It was like playing at My Fair Lady. Takato-san smiled. That self-deprecating smile made something suddenly click.

"Alright! Then, I won't think about the money. Instead, let's make nice memories."

"That's the spirit."

Anyway, it looked like my answer was correct. This time, Takato-san's smile was genuine. "...Let's go here next."

As he spoke with the sales staff, Takato-san picked out clothes for me one after another. First I tried on a British style outfit. The slim fitted suit looked really sharp and even I looked mature in it.

"But it's not quite playful enough."

We switched to a shop with slightly more casual clothes. I tried on all sorts of things like street style, designer fashions, and we finally settled on refined casual.

With the clothes decided, now we needed shoes. Now that it's winter, let's make it boots, Takato-san said, and picked out some narrow short boots. Next was a bag and a watch. Once we had bought some accessories like a scarf, we headed toward a salon where Takato-san had made an appointment.

We went inside the stylish shop which had a unified monotone color scheme and the male stylist asked what would you like today? But I didn't know what hairstyle would be good, so I answered, "Please make it something that goes with these clothes!"

He took a good long look at my clothing from head to toe and nodded promisingly, "Okay!"

Two hours later. I stood in front of a mirror, but I was like a different person.

"Not bad." The stylist seemed satisfied with the outcome after an uphill battle styling my wiry hair, but I wasn't used to new clothes or a different hairstyle, and I couldn't stop feeling anxious.

"Are you done over there too?" I turned around at the voice and saw Takato-san standing there. His bangs which were always up were now falling naturally. Maybe it was because of that, or because of the clothes, but Takato-san seemed different too. It felt like seeing each other reflected in the mirror got us both excited, like we were a couple on a proper date and it was embarrassing.

"It really suits you. You look cute." Takato-san placed his hand on my shoulder and whispered in my ear while pretending to look at the mirror.

~~~

"Was it a successful mission?"

"Even better than I expected."

Once the discomfort I had at first with the unfamiliar hairstyle disappeared, I felt it really suited me. And if Takato-san thought it wasn't bad, then I was really satisfied.

Takato-san had used the word closure. The guilt he harbored about his mother, his disappointment with reality, if he could put those in the past, I wanted to help him however I could. Looking back, this would be a nice memory, the way Takato-san wanted.

And this game. I'd started to enjoy it.

"Come on, let's go. Next is your long-awaited dinner."

"Woohoo!" I set off down the street, led by Takato-san. Suddenly, someone tapped me on the shoulder from behind.

"Hey, excuse me, do you have a minute?" A man held out a business card as I blinked at him. "As you can see, I'm an agent. Would you like to try modelling?"

"Oh, no! No thanks!!" I flusteredly ran off in surprise. Takato-san was stopped a little ahead of me and I rushed up to him. "Ah, that startled me. What does he mean, modelling...?"

"What does it say on the card?"

The card I received had the name of a men's fashion magazine even I was familiar with. Did that mean something like amateur modelling? It was impossible. No one had ever said anything like that to me. "...These clothes are awesome," my true feelings unconsciously slipped out. This had to be because of the clothes and hair.

But Takato-san's brows drew together as if I'd said something upsetting. "No, it's not because of the clothes. It's because you're handsome, Asahina."

"Haha. No way," I laughed without thinking. Me, handsome. No matter how infatuated he was, that wasn't true.

"No, it's just hard to see because of your expression and bearing, but you have an attractive face."

"Don't you mean Kuya-san?"

"No, well, Kuya is the same way... but I'm talking about you."

"Takato-san, you need better glasses. Anyway, if we're talking about handsome, I think you're more handsome than me."

"Good grief, you need glasses too."

It didn't look like Takato-san would ever change his mind, but that's how I felt. I thought the word handsome fit people with faces like Joker-san and Kuya-san.

"Then let me put it another way. ...To me, your face is beautiful. It's just the sort I like."

"Ugh..." He said that so calmly right to my face, so I didn't know how I should react. It was the first time in my life someone told me they liked my face.

But, oh. So Takato-san liked my face. My cheeks grew warm and even my ears started to tingle.

"One of things that's interesting about you is how you get embarrassed."

"Normally, anyone would get embarrassed being told they're beautiful and you like their face."

"There's also the common reaction of getting angry because you think I just like your appearance."

"That may be true, but I'm embarrassed."

"You're so innocent."

"Well, excuse me."

"I like that about you too."

Ugh... Takato-san's attack power was high as usual. I turned away my reddened face and a soothing voice meant to cheer me up drifted to my ears. "We're here. This is the restaurant."

The restaurant had a facade that looked just like an art museum. The restaurant's name was written in small elegant letters on the snow-white wall and there was nothing else apart from a silver door. The theme was white inside the restaurant too, with a very simple interior. Only the inside was spacious, with a very high ceiling. I could tell at a glance that this was a high-class restaurant.

I still felt intimidated when we were shown to our table. I was looking forward to delicious food, but I still was a bit uncomfortable. But the moment I saw the appetizer placed on the table, that feeling was swept away. It was food so beautiful I'd never seen anything like it. The two small fried fish filets on the clear plate were arranged just as if they were swimming. Snow was represented by pure white mousse. It looked more like art than food. And it was really delicious. With just one bite, I felt like I had awakened, like something would erupt from the crown of my head.

I couldn't care less about how this place was high class, and how we were a little out of place. The world was as one before such deliciousness.

"It's awesome, it's awesome, Takato-san. Everything they bring out is so delicious it's like a dream come true!"

The abalone, whole chicken, and ham consomme soup was clear and sparkling, but the moment I put it in my mouth, the complex and rich flavor filled my whole body. The dish of foie gras with strawberries was rich, but I felt refreshed by the tartness of the fruit and it was delicious like nothing I'd ever eaten before.

"I'm in heaven..." I murmured in ecstasy and the corners of Takato's eyes crinkled with a soft smile.

"Yes, indeed."

"The horsemeat carpaccio was delicious too."

"The dressing was the best."

"It was! The parts with the walnuts inside were so fragrant and it went amazingly well with the meat..."

Eating delicious food with the person I loved, telling each other it was delicious, this was truly the awesomest luxury. Long live carousing!

It was too delicious and I ended up gushing about how impressed I was to the waiter who brought the main meat course. As we finished the course, the waiter brought a man in a chef's coat.

"I'm very happy you enjoyed it."

Was this man the chef-owner!? I was surprised but happy, since I wanted to show him my feelings of gratitude. And so I ardently went on and on about how delicious it was, far more than I told the waiter before. I thought he hadn't understood my feelings, but the chef smiled brightly and gave an instruction to the waiter.

"Bring the special dessert for my charming guest."

The special dessert was truly special. It was cake and ice cream magnificently decorated with various fruit.

"I'm astonished."

I leaned forward at Takato-san's murmur in a rare enchanted tone. "Me too. This special dessert is really amazing!"

"No, by you."

"Me?"

"Yes. By your enthusiasm. By your energy to move people. I find that part of you truly irresistible."

Unexpectedly, the eyes behind the glasses narrowed with passion. At that moment, I felt like the background colors had instantly faded. Only Takato-san's gaze, no longer hiding a sexual tinge, was extremely vivid. Suddenly, Takato-san extended his hand. The fingertips that reached across the table touched my lips. "There's cream on you."

There was a little whipped cream on the fingers which moved away. My eyes followed the white cream in a daze and in front of me, Takato-san's tongue stretched out to lick the cream off his own fingers. I got a peek of his red tongue. That crude gesture was extremely erotic. A shiver ran down my spine and I unconsciously lowered my eyes.

"By the way, Asahina. Shall we end dinner now?" Takato-san's voice was low. I was sure I already knew what came after those words. "Of course, we'll be staying at a hotel after this."

Saying 'shall we go?', Takato-san offered me his hand across the table. I could see his fingers at the edge of my vision and with a small nod, I took his hand with the knowing look of an accomplice.

FIN.

[permanentreverie]

Hi friend :) I’ll tell you about my day bc I’m bored and then I’d love to hear about yours!

I got my covid booster (woohoo) yesterday so I took a sick day from work today so I’ve just been laying around my house drinking coffee, wallowing, and petting my cat. I did get to watch Permission to Dance LA on Disney+ with this time away from work so that was the highlight for me looool anyways now it’s torrentially down pouring outside so I’m still stuck at my house and bored now even though I’m feeling better 😭 oh well. <3

My day's been pretty ok, I've spent most of it washing windows (and while I have a dozen other things I'd rather do for myself, I AM getting paid for that so that's a good thing).

Right now I'm hoping to finish the book I'm reading and do some online orders (yay for pay checks) and I was debating on catching up on big mouth or finishing extraordinary you (honestly I'd rather do the latter) but now that I know permission to dance la is on disney plus and it's NOT a dvd that I have to preorder (which was somehow my assumption??) ALL of the above may be put on pause cause MY BOYS!!!

[geezerwench]

You’ve had enough drive-thru dinners and instant ramen to last a lifetime but goddamnit you deserve better. So we got back in the kitchen to show y’all how cooking real, whole foods at home is the only way to fix our broken food system. The link between your plate and your fate has never been clearer. You gotta eat some fucking vegetables and we’re gonna show you the way with over 100 new recipes that’ll have you scooping up seconds. Food is constantly evolving and all of us play a role in that. Yes, even you. Now is an opportunity to change things for our health, wallets, the rights of workers, and the wellbeing of our planet. Across borders, backgrounds, and language barriers, food unites all of us. And it’s about damn time we start acting like it. So grab your knife and let’s start a delicious revolution. Welcome to a Brave New Meal. Coming this November. Preorder now everywhere books are sold. Reposted from @badmannersfood #WooHoo #vegan #vegetarian #VeganCookBook #BadMannersFood #BadMannersCookBook #BadMannersBraveNewMeal #EatLikeYouGiveAFuck https://www.instagram.com/p/CO5VBajDEaJ/?igshid=j30uwhcxahff

[inklingleesquidly]

VINNY & LEE 3: THE CAR

Lee Squidly is a good kid who rarely ever screws up or gets into trouble, but when he’s with his good friend and fellow rich squid, Vincent, things almost always go awry. See what mischief these two miscreant little nerds get into whenever they’re together!

Featuring the squids of @askvincent

Word count: 2,720

               There was always something big happening in the city of Shee-Booyah and at the city’s very own Arrowana Mall there was something extraordinary. Squid Squad was releasing their brand new album before anywhere else in the world. Twelve never before heard songs could be purchased and heard by 10,000 lucky creatures before anyone else. There was just a small issue for two particular squids.

       “Gyaaaaah,” Vincent Mist screamed as he raked his nails down his temples. “What are we gonna do; we’re never gonna make it to the mall in time!”

       With him as ever was Lee Squidly who was confounded by his friend’s words. “Hmm, what’s there to worry about, I mean we both got preorders,” he said, being the ever-sensible one.

       “Well yeah,” Vincent couldn’t help but agree.

Lee questioned, “Did you manage to get the super preorder that comes with a limited edition pennant?”

Hearing that, Vincent’s eyebrows raised and his jaw hung open. He couldn’t answer the inquiry so he quickly sought to change the subject. “Anyway,” he began, “We gotta get there as soon as the doors open, and the train doesn’t get there at the right time.”

Lee didn’t understand so he asked, “What for?”

All Vincent had to reply was, “Reasons.”

He understood even less now but he sought to go along with whatever scheme his friend was cooking up. “So if you don’t want to take the train than how are we going to get there?”

That question seemed to spark an idea in Vincent, “I got it,” he chirped, slapping his fist down upon his open palm. His face completely lit up with a laughing smile as he chuckled, “Hue hue hue, I know how we’re gonna get there!”

 “Are you out of your mind,” Vincent’s mother, Coco dryly said; turning away from her neatly organized work desk to acknowledge her son. “No you can’t borrow my car,” she declared, spinning around in her chair to return to her work.

Vincent gasped; his mouth agape and his arms dropping at his sides as he whined, “But Mama, please!” All the while Lee could only give his friend the most disbelieving look. He said nothing but he knew this was a bad idea, such a bad idea.

Coco swiveled back around in her seat to question, “Are you seriously asking me this? I just got that windshield replaced after what you two blockheads did with that phone; I don’t want you within 10 feet of that car.”

Vincent continued to beg, “Come on Mama, I learned my lesson, I promise.” He clasped his hands together in a pleading gesture, “I just need it for this one thing, please, pretty please, with sugar and sprinkles on top?” He looked directly at his cynical mother with his bottom lip trembling and his eyes twinkling, “I’ll guard it with my life; I promise nothing will happen to it so please!”

The jaded mother just rolled her eyes, I hate when he gives me that look, she thought as he gave her that stare of childish begging. Normally she hadn’t any problems resisting it unlike her wife but for some odd reason—she found herself softened.

With a sigh, she submitted, “You know what, sure thing; I’ll let you borrow the car.”

“What, really,” this took both boys by surprise, even Vincent who didn’t believe his plea would actually work.

Coco restated, “Sure.”

With what, she escorted them to her car but didn’t immediately relinquish use of it to them.

“Mama, do you really need to do this,” Vincent queried, “I said I would take good care of it. I mean, Lee’s gonna be with me after all,” he gestured to his friend, who confirmed with a smile and a nod.

Much to their dismay, Coco wryly replied, “That’s what I’m afraid of,” as she circled around the shiny vehicle. She touched her hand against the body and took pictures with her smart phone; both of the exterior and the interior. Finally, she seemed to complete her inspection and returned back to them. “Well it seems like everything’s perfect,” she said, “Be sure it comes back that way,” and she deposited the ignition key into Vincent’s hand.

With their faces lighting up, Vincent cheered, “Thanks Mama,” and he excitedly stepped inside while Lee ran around to sit in the passenger’s seat.

As Vincent pressed the vehicle’s start button, wound down the driver side window, and the two secured their seatbelts, Lee said, “You won’t regret this Mrs. Mist!”

She said, “I’m sure I won’t.” Placing her hand on the open window, she summoned their attention, “But if I see a scratch, even a smudge on this car—I’LL CUT YOUR TENTACLES OFF AND HANG THEM IN MY OFFICE!” Coco raised her voice to such a terrifying volume that it made both boys rear back and break out in a cold sweat. Despite the ominous threat, she waved goodbye with her fingers and said in a startling sweet voice, “Take care, have fun kids.”

“B-bye,” both boys said, neither one losing their fearful thousand yard stare as Vincent carefully drove away.

They arrived at Arrowana Mall without a problem and even managed to get their album preorders without a problem. The music store gave out numbered tickets and let in a set number of patrons at a time to prevent the store and staff from getting mobbed. Lucky for the boys they arrived early enough that they were some of the first admitted inside.

On the ride home Lee giddily clutched his collectible pennant while they listened to Squid Squad’s newest songs. Jamming out, Lee declared, “Woohoo, this is so awesome!” He smiled from ear to ear and was so excited that he shook in his seat.

“Yeah it is,” Vincent agreed, tapping his hand on the steering wheel as he concentrated on driving. “And it’s gonna be even more awesome,” he quietly muttered. The music was so loud that Lee couldn’t hear him.

They arrived back at the apartment complex’s parking zone and as Vincent departed the car he went around it as his mother did before to inspect for damage. With his body tight and his breath caught in his throat, Vincent looked at every square inch of the vehicle. Each new step filled him with relief, “I think our tentacles are safe, the car is perfectly fine. My mom is going to—HOLY SHRIMP WHAT’S THAT?!”

In that very moment everything else in the entire world shattered like broken glass and all Vincent could see—was a tiny hairline fracture right underneath the driver’s door handle.

The sight of that scratch scared Vincent so badly that he spontaneously splatted right then and there, much to Lee’s confusion and fear. “Vinny! Vinny! Wha-what’s happening?!” He quickly gripped the hovering squid spirit of his friend and stuffed him back into the pile of clothes he left on the floor.

The poor boy retook the shape of his Inkling form only to fall backward, collapsing onto the ground. “Ahhhhh, we’re doomed; we got a scratch on my mom’s car,” he whined, shakily pointing at it.

Wanting to see for himself, Lee leaned in close to inspect the supposed damage. He stroked his chin curiously, and then picked out his glasses from his cargo pocket to attempt to get a better look. Removing them, he remarked, “I think you’re overreacting, Vinny, I don’t see any scratch.”

Vincent stood up, he took a deep breath and repeated, “Okay, okay, okay, it’s probably not a scratch, I’m just gonna try and clean it off.” He let out breaths into his bandana then rubbed the soft cloth into the spot where he saw the scratch.

His mind must’ve been playing tricks on him; it looked like the scratch got bigger. Worried now, he vigorously polished the spot, hoping with all his might that it would go away. Much to his horror it had grown even bigger; now as long as one of his fingers.

“Ohh now I see it,” Lee indicated, only exacerbating Vincent’s distress.

Slapping his forehead, Vincent turned around to grab Lee’s arms, shouting, “WE SCRATCHED UP MY MOM’S CAR, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!”

In that moment they shared the same horrifying vision; Coco casually engaging in business in her office while both of their tentacles were displayed like trophies.

       “AHHHHHHHHH,” the two boys screamed in unison; now fully grasping the severity of the situation they found themselves in.

Vincent whined, “I need my tentacles, that’s where my hands are,” he demonstrated by spontaneously shifting just his Inkling arms into wiggly squid tentacles

Trying to keep the situation under control, Lee said, “Vinny, please, calm down, we can fix this!”

“HOW,” the distraught boy nearly screamed. A thought then came to him and he said, “Wait, your mom has a bunch of car fixing tools doesn’t she?”

“Y-Yeah.”

Vincent gasped, “Well then she’s gotta have something to fix this! Go get them!”

Lee gulped and his eyes shifted from side to side, he seemed reluctant about the idea. “I- I don’t know,” he stuttered, “My mom doesn’t like me messing with her tools, if she finds out she’s gonna--.”

“PLEASE,” Vincent gasped, “It’s gotta be fixed by something!”

Lee couldn’t come up with an excuse. Begrudgingly, worriedly, he left to retrieve his mom’s tools

Despite all of the tools available to them in Janine’s sizable toolbox Vincent and Lee couldn’t figure out what to do. Some were in fact for auto repair but others, they had no idea; they still tried them though. They used water, chemicals, heat, wax, polish, and nothing worked.

Each time Vincent asked, “Did it work?”

And Lee would reply, “Nope.”

The two made a bewildering number of attempts to remove the scratch but nothing worked, forcing Vincent to yell, “NOTHING IS WORKING!”

As Vincent threw his hands down at the hopelessness of the situation, Lee tried to stay optimistic. “We can do this, I know we can,” he said, “We have the technology!” With that proclamation he unearthed his cell phone from his cargo pocket. He spoke into it, slowly, clearly instructing, “Fix scratch,” and then placed his phone against the car door.

It did nothing except fall from the door and clack against the ground. Lee whined, “Ahhh man, my screen cracked.” Vincent had no clue what his friend expected to happen, did he think his phone would magically fix it?

He decided to focus on the task again, searching through the multitude of tools, Vincent said, “There’s gotta be something in here.” One object managed to pique his curiosity so he brought it out. “What’s this,” he said, holding it in his hands.

Upon close inspection the device resembled a Killer Wail they used in Turf Wars only small enough to fit in the palm of his hand. Vincent would discover how astute of an observation that was when his finger grazed a button and a blast of deafening sound waves shot from it; striking his mother’s car. He quickly and clumsily fumbled to end it after Lee covered his ears and shouted, “AHH! SHUT IT OFF! SHUT-IT-OFF!!”

Everything went quiet for a brief second only for the boys to see the most horrifying sight. The door with the scratch suddenly and mysteriously just fell away from the car.

“WAAAAH,” they both screamed in terror again.

“Why does your mom even have that,” Vincent shrieked.

Lee’s answer was to cry, “I don’t knoh-oh-oh.”

With Lee starting to sob and wail, Vincent was left to think on his own, I can figure this out, I can get this fixed, I know I can, he thought. Before he could think of anything else his phone started to ring.

“He-hello—wait—what—no, NO—uhh—yes—yes—umm yeah, okay…” He lowered the phone from his ear and murmured, “My mom is coming down to check the car.”

Lee’s response was to cry even harder but he still scrambled along with Vincent to fix the problem as best as they could. Coco arrived on the scene and found the two standing side-by-side, facing her, with their hands behind their backs.

“Hi Mama,” Vincent greeted, a bead of sweat dripping down the curve of his cheek.

“Hi Mrs. Mist,” Lee’s lips quivered as he tried to smile.

Coco was a woman who could tell when something was awry. “You two are up to something,” she said, being someone who didn’t play games; especially with her son.

Lee chuckled nervously, “Heh-eh, no we’re not.”

“Yeah, everything’s fine with the car,” Vincent said through gritted teeth.

Placing her hands on their shoulders, Coco easily pushed them both apart. “Move aside,” she said, giving herself space to inspect her car.

Vincent pleaded, “No Mama, no, don’t look it’s a trick!” But it was too late; as if knowing exactly where to look, Coco bent down to inspect the driver side door.

“Did you two get a scratch on my door,” her voice was low but clearly audible to both nervous boys.

“We’re sorry Mama/Mrs. Mist,” they both replied in unison.

She gave it another look and turned around to ask, “And did you try to cover it up with a marker?”

Vincent turned to Lee to give him a look of incredulity as Lee shrugged with a marker that just barely matched the color of Coco’s car. “I don’t know, I thought it would work,” he grinned uncertainly.

“All right boys,” Coco stood up and turned to them with a frightening, menacing look in her eyes, “Do you know what I’m gonna do about this?”

The only thing the boys could think to do was hold onto each other for dear life—but instead Coco merely turned around and they heard some mysteriously peeling sound. She spun around and revealed she was holding a clear sticker in her hand. “There we go, no harm done. The boys babbled in confusion until Coco explained, “Yeah I put that sticker there, and its heat sensitive so when you touch it it gets bigger.” She demonstrated by vigorously rubbing the sticker between her palms and showed them how it grew in size.

Flabbergasted, Vincent voiced both of their dismay, “But why,” he wondered.

Coco answered with a laugh, “Hyu hyu, I wanted to mess with you to teach you a lesson about messing with me and my car. Now go listen to your CD or whatever it is you wanted to do.” Despite knowing what was actually going on, the two still scampered away. Coco chuckled to herself, “That’ll teach them,” and she gripped the car door’s handle.

Suddenly, the door came off the car in her hand and right before her eyes, she witnessed the other doors fall off. Right after the rest of the car split in half, leaving the interior and the frame of the car exposed.

This was unbelievable. For the briefest moment she was absolutely stunned; mouth agape, frozen from head to toe, a low, quiet noise eking out of her throat. In an instant, Coco snapped to and screamed to the heavens, “VINCENT, LEE,” but the two were long gone.

 Elsewhere in a park near Flounder Heights, Vincent and Lee were hiding in a metal lined room built inside of a fake hedge. Biting his nails nervously, Lee said, “Ohh, I heard your mom; she’s real mad about what we did to her car.”

Surprisingly relaxed, Vincent reclined in the cramped room and casually munched on bagged chips. “Don’t worry I built this shelter for when this kinda thing happens; we got enough food for a whole week.”

Ever the level headed one; Lee tried to reason, “I don’t know, maybe we should just face the music.”

Just as he said that, what sounded and felt like an explosion rocked the entire bunker, even shaking the single dangling light fixture. Outside of the metal chamber, they heard a voice shouting, “WHERE IS LEE?!”

“I think your mom found out we used her tools,” Vincent indicated before crunching down on another chip.

Lee sat down and queried, “So how much food did you say we have?”

Vincent answered, “About a week, maybe ten days.”

Sitting down, Lee opened up a canister of nuts and asked, “Do you want to listen to the album again?”

[operationrainfall]

CONTRA: ROGUE CORPS is one of those games that people love to hate. And I’m not saying everybody is wrong that’s reviewed it so far, nor am I saying I necessarily know better. What I am saying is that whenever I see something which the aggregate tells me is irrevocably horrible, I tend to want to disprove the consensus. Or at least offer an alternate viewpoint. After all, I’ve actually been excited for CONTRA: ROGUE CORPS since I saw the surprising trailer unveiled way back at E3 2019. I may have been the only journalist woohooing and raising my fist in appreciation, and for a simple reason – I’m a fan of the CONTRA series. Yes, it’s generally hard as nails and beyond brutal, but it’s one of those series I grew up playing. Sure it’s not very intellectually stimulating or terribly deep, but sometimes you just need an excuse to blow away alien scum. So seeing as how I finally started playing my preorder copy of the game, let’s see if it scratched that violent itch.

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First things first, I will concede that ROGUE CORPS is a messy title. Not just visually, but in terms of the precision of how the game and its systems work. I’m not saying that to be cruel, but sadly it’s just a fact. Having said that, I still found myself enjoying the basic loop of the gameplay. Picking a character, going through missions, beating bosses, getting rewarded with items, then using said items to upgrade my character. Now if you’re an old fan of the series, most of that probably stood out to you. Usually you don’t have progressive upgrades in CONTRA games, you just fight from level to level. And while I respect developer Toylogic for being ambitious and taking chances with the title, I couldn’t help but come to a conclusion as I played – ROGUE CORPS isn’t truly a CONTRA game. Again, not a slight, just a fact. In a way, ROGUE CORPS is a mishmash of various games wearing a CONTRA suit. In many ways, it reminded me of a mix of Gauntlet, Smash TV and DOOM. Which in a way isn’t that surprising after I researched other projects developed by Toylogic. One that particularly stood out was Kid Icarus: Uprising. That’s another great example of using the window dressing of the series, but totally reinventing how it sounds and plays. And much like Kid Icarus: Uprising, ROGUE CORPS fires many shots that miss the mark, as well as some that hit dead center.

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The game starts with a surprisingly epic introduction, illustrated in a comic book style. It tries to encapsulate the entire history of the CONTRA games, showing how the aliens invaded and were beaten back. Or so we thought. Turns out, they left a present deep in the Earth’s core, and it suddenly erupts into a living nightmare called Damned City. This twisted location is so dangerous that most humans go mad just stepping foot there, and that serves as the excuse for our eclectic team of heroes, the titular ROGUE CORPS (or I guess technically Jaegers, according to the intro). Whatever their name, this fearsome foursome is the strangest band of heroes found in any CONTRA game. There’s team leader Kaiser, who looks like the cybernetic caveman ancestor of Bill Rizer. Then there’s Ms. Harakiri, who somehow got fused with an alien parasite that she stabs to gain temporary power boosts. Then there’s Gentleman, a hideous insectoid alien that is apparently on the side of the angels. And then there’s my favorite, Hungry Beast (HB for short), a giant mecha panda with a scientist’s brain in his noggin. Though you’d be hard pressed to call the heroes from other CONTRA games normal, this bunch makes them look boring by comparison. Oh and there’s one more character named Lily, she’s your pilot as well as the narrator of the story.

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Now, as I said earlier, the basic gameplay is fine, with some provisos. It plays like a twin-stick shooter in a quasi 3D environment. I’m used to CONTRA being a 2D platformer, so this was a bit of a learning curve, but thankfully my recent addiction to the twin-stick genre helped my immersion. As you run around blasting hordes of foes, you have a couple things that help. One are the special skills unique to each character, which can be activated at any time, and then have to cool down before using again. Kaiser’s skill adds spreadshot bullets to his attacks, Harakiri gets stronger, Gentleman throws black holes that scoop up small foes and HB lays down several turrets which both shoot foes and deflect bullets. I like that amount of diversity, and it goes a long way to making the game feel fresh. Each character plays a little differently, dictated both by their size and movement speed as well as their primary and secondary weapons. I much preferred Kaiser and HB, since their machine guns pushed back foes, while Gentleman and Harakiri fired a laser that cut through enemies, but didn’t repel them.

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I also appreciate how whenever you use a missile attack to clear the screen, the animation changes depending on your character. Kaiser rides the missile like in Dr. Strangelove, for example. Then there’s also Finishing Moves, which can only be used against nigh unkillable gold enemies. To stop them, you have to shoot and dodge attacks to dizzy them, then get close and press A to watch the blood flow. These are spectacularly violent sequences, and I only have two issues with them. First, enemies don’t stop moving just cause you’re murdering one of their buddies, and crowd up close and personal. This means you have to immediately dodge away once the sequence is over. The other problem is sometimes the animation doesn’t play properly, and instead you just see your character pose slightly before the attack activates.

More Rogue Action on Page 2 ->

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Besides all that flashiness, you’re much more maneuverable in ROGUE CORPS. Not only can you run around and jump, you can also dodge foes, avoiding damage. The dodge can also be used aggressively to knock foes off balance and dizzy them, as I said earlier. My problem with this mechanic is that once you’ve dizzied a foe, you can pick them up, but there’s usually no reason to. If there’s a handy meat grinder around, toss an enemy in, but it’s not satisfying or effective to toss foes into each other or against walls. There are also sequences called Shooting Galleries, where the camera pans to quasi FPS and you aim your sight with the right stick. While these have the benefit of more clearly displaying the action, they also are cumbersome and frustrating. And they don’t just occur when you’re facing stationary turrets and foes, but in boss fights as well. In fact, the first massive boss fight against an angry metal skeleton, which is teased at the end of the demo, is fought in Shooting Gallery mode. I struggled and struggled with him, doing minimal damage, until I realized I could move forward while in that mode, and once up close and personal, I started to do massive damage. Problem is, it’s not intuitive that you’d be able to move forwards and backwards in a mode that normally forces you to a horizontal plane.

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When boss fights don’t involve that mode, I tended to enjoy them more. Sure they are time consuming and more than a bit grindy, often involving waves of lesser foes distracting you as the boss rampages around, but they still were a fun challenge overall. And while it’s true they do overuse the first boss a lot, since he shows up later as a recurring mini boss and even in a upgraded form, there’s some very distinct boss designs here. I loved the giant metal skeleton’s design, as well as the fiery chariot boss. Hell, even the recurring boss is a neat design, looking like some bloated Toxic Revenger. My biggest issue isn’t that the game is ugly, but that the camera angles and magnification often made it hard to make out the visual niceties. Compounding that issue is that the most common grunt in the game, a sort of red fleshy skeleton, is completely generic looking. Which is frustrating, since some of the others are great, like the flying baby heads, the giant mouths that burst from concrete and even the roller skating buzz saw bastards. It’s also frustrating because in general, the CONTRA series is known for fantastic enemy design, be they robotic terrors or organic nightmares.

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I liked the idea of weapon and character customization in theory, but in practice it proved more than a little confusing. This is in part because even the game’s internal guides don’t do a great job of explaining what’s required. An example is that whenever you work on an upgrade, it requires not just items to dictate the properties, but curiously also requires a sufficient number of them. This is compounded by referring to these items as B.A.D. (an acronym I don’t recall the game explaining). It’s very confusing, and I still can’t say I fully understand the system several hours in. However, it’s still fun to experiment, and I strongly recommend you use this system. Not only can it make your guns more powerful, it can add new effects such as an increased critical chance or inflicting status ailments. Best of all is you can make it so your weapons fire longer without overheating, and I strongly suggest you invest in that feature. Other than customizing your weapons, you can also put your character in the surgery room and upgrade their body parts. This is pretty similar to weapon customization, other than offering different doctors. Each one has different potential chances to either improve or tweak your stats, and most of them cost cold hard cash. For that reason alone, I mostly stuck with the one doctor that was free, but feel it’s probably best to bite the bullet and risk using one of the others.

Sadly there are some typos in the game as well.

Now, I’ve been trying to help showcase the positive aspects of ROGUE CORPS, but I need to spend some time with the messy bits. While I can look past muddy visual effects and grindy mechanics, I can’t ignore the following. One particularly offensive problem is the pause menu. Quite simply, pausing the game doesn’t stop the action. I noticed the enemies kept moving afterwards, and I am pretty sure I’ve taken damage as a result. I understand the missions have time limits, and maybe the developers want to encourage you to watch the clock, but in my mind, pausing means everything has stopped. Taking cheap shots when I’m taking a break is problematic in the extreme. Another problem deals with the aforementioned camera angles. Often these will not properly display everything happening, and more than once an enemy was hidden by the camera angle. I only noticed cause their health bar was visible. I also was annoyed that often the various planes of the battlefield would trap foes in odd places. Considering the game usually gates you in areas until you beat all the enemies, this wasn’t helpful. It was also difficult that sometimes the controls were less precise than I would like. Often I would aim with the right stick and the moment I let go, the gun orientation would shift. And while I did enjoy the boss fights in the game, I almost wish the mega boss fights were structured differently. I would have preferred if ROGUE CORPS took a page from Mechstermination Force, which ironically is based loosely on the earlier CONTRA games. Having large foes that I took down in distinct phases, whittling away their armor and causing new threats to surface, would have been much better than the Shooting Gallery approach. Yes, it shows the bosses better than the standard camera angle, but I just wish the combat was consistently the twin-stick format.

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In the end, I still enjoyed CONTRA: ROGUE CORPS. Yes, it’s a hot mess, and many things aren’t properly explained for my tastes, but the core mechanics are fun and work pretty well. Which makes it more of a shame this title was so poorly received. I admire Konami and Toylogic for taking a chance on something different here, even if it didn’t work out perfectly. As a fan of the CONTRA series, I still don’t feel ROGUE CORPS was a traditional experience, but also think it has something to offer fans. Now that playing it has put me in the proper frame of mind, I think I’ll finally start playing my copy of CONTRA Anniversary Collection.

Too funny not to use.

OPINION: ROGUE CORPS is Fun, Despite its Quirks CONTRA: ROGUE CORPS is one of those games that people love to hate. And I'm not saying everybody is wrong that's reviewed it so far, nor am I saying I necessarily know better.