#It's not what I'm used to I'm counting my blessings that shes the sweetest ever but it's also making me FREAK OUT

[gaminegay]

So I got drunk at a family party and bonded with The Other Gay Cousin- great!! But I confided in her about some family stuff (since we are the novel concept of Family) and now she's ACKNOWLEDGING IT and being super nice about it but it's freaking me out

[nebbyy]

Hi! I'm not sure if you are currently taking requests, so feel free to ignore mine if you aren't! If you are taking them, however, would you please write something for King Baldwin IV overhearing reader sing and falling further in love with her because of her soft and sweet voice? Upon realizing that he's there, she becomes extremely flustered and apologizes for disrupting his peace and quiet. Thank you!

King Baldwin IV x reader - Sweetest of melodies

A/N: omg it’s been so long since I’ve received a request! I can’t lie, Baldwin is my supreme comfort character, I think I’ll never stop writing fro him because it gives me sooo much joy😩😩😩 I personally like to think of this piece as taking place a few months after Baldwin’s and reader’s wedding, so it could be considered a sequel for my first fic ever. Also, the song mentioned in this piece is a real song from the 12th century called "Can vei la lauzeta" (in English,"When I see the lark") by Bernart de Ventadorn, and the painting is "Lovers in a garden" by Charles Edward Perugini!!

Oh btw!! I’m working on a long ass series about him, based off of a prompt by @phantomsghoulette  which I absolutely LOVED. Sooo all the KoH fans stay tuned for future updates🤭

Warning: nothing really, just pure fluff. Maybe you could say that religious innuendos could be something triggering for some people but I don’t know. There might be ONE, SLIGHTLY spicy mention but only if you squint really really hard. Also, keep in mind that the historical accuracy in my fics is rather relative, I try to add some details here and there but I don’t have the knowledge (nor the skills) to write a piece 100% accurate to the real history. Also, reader’s gender is female and uses she/her pronouns!!

Word count: 2918

Someone would say Baldwin's patience could already be put to test by only his illness, which she ruthlessly does not grant him a moment's respite, the eternal enemy of his body and his spirit. But no, to this perpetual torment of his had to be added the perilous duties of a king. And it was certainly not governing his people and lands that sucked what little energy he had left; this duty of his, given by his father and willed by divine design, he had long since embraced.

It was the nobles, the leeches who had drained him of his lifeblood lately. It was their endless demands, the insidious words that hissed behind his back, the languid bows and sleazy gifts designed only to gain some favor from him. Looking around him, he seemed to see only vices and sinners, power-hungry beasts just waiting for his moment of weakness so they could feed on what Baldwin had under his power.

In fact, not without reason in the past the young monarch had attempted to abdicate the throne and leave it in the hands of one of his sisters, rid himself of this burden and devote the rest of his short life taking care of his declining health and to nurture his mind away from so much corruption. At times he dreamed of retiring to France, experiencing for the first time that cold climate and verdant landscape of which his preceptors and advisors told him so much.

In fact, not without reason in the past the young monarch had attempted to abdicate the throne and leave it in the hands of one of his sisters, rid himself of this burden and devote the rest of his short life taking care of his declining health and to nurture his mind away from so much corruption. At times he dreamed of retiring to France, to experience for the first time that cold climate and verdant landscape of which his preceptors and advisors told him so much.

And he dreamed of taking you with him, imagined how sweet his life would be if his only concerns were taking care of his health and you, faithful wife, sole blessing in his life battered by such burdens. How he would wish that his days would revolve around you, that his first thought in the morning would be riding by your side through the flourishing meadows, and his last thought in the evening would be caressing your face as you lie slumbering in his arms.

It would have been a blissful fate his, if only Sybilla's husband had not died at the very moment when he would have needed him most. If only his mother had not convinced him that Guido de Lusignan was a good fit for his sister and had continued to seek a new consort for her, perhaps that fate would not have been snatched from him so early. Too late to repent now, for Baldwin would have preferred to die agonizingly on his throne rather than leave power in the hands of that bumptious and arrogant lord, who was noble only in title.

And so he found himself in this sort of hellish limbo, forced into a position that should never be required of a man in his condition, but prevented by his morality from abandoning his reign, impelled by faith in God's greater plan, that his suffering should not be in vain.

And his faith always seemed to strengthen when he had a way to escape the stifling air that characterized the throne room, always packed with knights and crusaders and nobles, when he had a way to retreat to the palace gardens, one of the few verdant places in all of Jerusalem.

With slow, swaying steps, Baldwin strolled slowly among the local palm trees and flower beds from the faraway lands, those where men speak Italian and the more distant ones, those from which his fathers came. Exotic fruits mingled with those more congenial to the French, who out of nostalgia for their lands and fields did what they could to bring the seeds of these plants with them to overseas.

His mind seemed to go out, shifting his attention from the constant buzz of court demands and duties to the chirping of birds perched on the roof, to the eviction of the soft branches that shielded him from the scorching sun. He enjoyed the refreshing air that reigned in that small oasis of greens, which was able to infiltrate the fabric of his white robes, crossing the bandages that covered much of his body and finally reaching his skin, numbed by leprosy. 

To tell the truth, of that refreshing sensation little reached his damaged nerves, if not for those few points that had been spared by the merciless disease, from which departed that unusual shiver that caused him a delicate smile of relief, enjoying the refreshing breeze. Then he closed his eyes and breathed in, discovering with satisfied surprise that that light gust was also a harbinger of an intoxicating perfume, a mixture of exotic and familiar.

How funny to think of the concept of "exotic", for an Angevin born and raised in the unknown lands of the east. For him it was exotic French fruit, exotic were the green plains and heavy clothing that brought his allies from the northwest, and equally alien to the snowy mountains and forest beasts that he saw drawn in detail in his childhood books. It was these changes of perspective that stimulated his mind in a myriad of thoughts and reflections, but in a pleasurable way for him, not as exhausting as his daily duties.

His reflections on exotic and local made his mind travel, wandering until he came to a subject very close to him: Muslims and Jews, reflecting well on the landscape in front of him, recognized that he could share with them the same concepts of what is foreign and what they can claim the original belonging. And he could not but reflect on how it must have been for the first inhabitants of Jerusalem to observe the Franks who came as conquerors, and filled their gardens with such foreign plants as those pale warriors who had taken possession of their dwelling... But after all, the French soldiers who were emissaries of God’s will needed something familiar to stabilize them as they fought to reclaim the Promised Land, ut Deus voluit.

But all his brooding over these matters of conquest and submission ended up in the background in his mind, when a colorful scarlet sphere caught his attention. An exquisitely red apple seemed to tempt him from a branch just above his head, beckoning him to be picked and savored by the king, that he might lose himself in the juicy sweetness of that fruit with origins so far removed from the Holy Land. But the king's modesty prevented him from yielding to that temptation, wanting to avoid exposing the advanced state of deterioration in which his mouth was.

And in fact if that temptation had been alive it would have pale in front of something much more captivating, a sound that echoed in the most melodious distance of the song of any nightingale. Baldwin was surprised to think that he had not realized before the melody that inibriated the atmosphere around him, so taken by the tribulations of his mind that he almost missed such an intoxicating song. He did not know what he felt once he arrived in Heaven, if he had ever arrived in spite of the unjust fate in Hell that the evil Saracens wished him. He didn’t know it, but if one ever had to imagine what Heaven sounded like, that song would come to mind.

When I see the lark beating 

Its wings in joy against the rays of the sun 

That it forgets itself and lets itself fall 

Because of the sweetness that comes to its heart

She sang in Occitan, the beautiful one in the distance. The voice of his people, of his lineage, that few in the palace can pronounce after so many years of distance from their homeland in Provence. Paying more attention to the echoing song, he would not even have had to approach it to give a face to that melodic voice: he knew how to recognize his wife’s voice.

Yet it was a new context in which he saw you, new facets of you that he had not yet had a chance to observe. Your voice, sweet as honey, venerable like all your other traits, he had never heard it except in speech, when you were proclaiming orders before your subjects with the authority fit for a queen, or when you laughed at the poems and performances of the court singers, or when you whispered in Baldwin’s ears sweet words, while you lay with bodies merged between the soft silk sheets. Always spoken, but never sung.

Alas! Such great envy then overwhelms me 

Of all those whom I see rejoicing,

But though he didn’t need to approach you to recognize you, the desire to see your face exceeded any of his other needs. As if mesmerized by the sound of a siren, Baldwin was advancing towards you, with steps so slow that it seemed a hunter about to catch a deer in the woods. He wanted nothing more than to hear you sing again, that you continue to bless him with that angelic melody. What worse sin would there be than to interrupt your song, more sacred than a prayer?

His stomach filled with butterflies and turned upside down like the beasts' jugglers, his breath seemed to stop in his throat, depriving him of the breath he no longer needed, as long as he could hear you sing a moment more. And her cheeks warmed, when finally she saw you among the white lilies, more beautiful than divine salvation.

I wonder that my heart, at that moment, 

Does not melt from desire.

Baldwin wondered if you sang with him in mind, if those words of love reflected your own emotional turmoil. 

Oh, if only it were so, and your singing equalled his own words inscribed in the sonnets and poems he composed in your honor, which he himself commissioned from your favorite singers to perform at banquets, only to steal an embarrassed smile and to see the blush of your cheeks, along with the glint in your eyes.

Whether it was or not, the outcome remained the same since he was at that moment in your proximity, in the same state mixed with adoration, love and wonder at the bold gesture. But if only he had confirmation from your words...

Alas! How much I thought I knew 

About love, and how little I know, 

Because I cannot keep myself from loving 

The one from whom I will gain nothing.

"My angel, your voice sounds like heaven but your words are false." Baldwin practically saw you blow up from your session, completely taken aback by his sudden appearance, unaware that your husband has been acting as a secret public all this time. Your initial surprise quickly turns into a laugh to mask your embarrassment for being caught in a moment like this, when you thought you were alone to be able to run the streets of music with your voice.

"I beg your pardon, I thought I was alone in the gardens," your eyes met his own only for a moment, before you turned your face to try and hide the blush of your face, "it was just a silly song I heard singing to the Provençal knights. I hope I did not disrupt your walk, my love..”

He laughed softly, trying to hide his amusement from having caught you off guard. He approached you more quickly than when he did just a few moments before, but with the same phlegm that managed to inspire a feeling of safeness in you. Sitting by your side on the bare rock, he raised his bandaged hand to gently cup your face and make you turn your eyes towards him. It was only then, when you had no choice but to look at Baldwin in the face that you noticed how his eyes, the only part of his face exposed to the outside world, formed two half-moons, and you came to find that it was because of how widely he was smiling, as you lowered the veil from his face. 

He was making fun of you, you realized. With that swagger in his manner, you understood that his amusement came from your embarrassment at that silly misunderstanding. Laughing softly, he gently shook his head before bringing both hands to your face, holding it as if it were the most sacred of relics. "As much as I would love to hear you sing of your affection for me, just to hear your voice echoing in the air is the sweetest of gifts. How could you deprive me of this blessing thus far, my dear?"

You could do nothing but giggle at his sweet words, bringing your hands to his wrists to feel him closer to you. "You flatter me, my king. My voice boasts nothing more than those sweet melodies that the singers in the palace sing. Mine is only a dabble."

His gaze softened, his playful spirit addicted to your presence. He took the floor again, in a tone as soft as cotton, "At least this once, my queen, allow me to disagree with your words. My life may be short and my reality small, but never have I heard such an angelic voice, singing such sweet melodies. And God may not yet have granted me the ability to predict the future, but in my heart I know well that never will any singer be able to hold a candle to your beautiful voice, never will any song be able to express the same feeling of ecstasy.

"You, my angel, have managed to make a simple ballad an absolute work of art through your voice. I think I should take you with me into battle next time, for with your mere voice you could addict Saladin and his entire army.

"And seeing you here, angelic and perfect like the lilies that surround you, singing so softly that it would make any bird jealous, that I realize that whatever toil, whatever challenges God has stored up for me, and all those that still await me in my life, are worth it, if at the end of each of them there is you, voice of an angel, to hold a place for me in your arms of heaven." 

You were sure you were on the verge of crying a flood of tears, the result of pure emotion at his sweet words. It was not new to you that Baldwin worshipped you as much as the God to whom his kingdom was consecrated, from the first moment he got to hear your voice and admire your face, and you knew at once that he had become yours, body and soul. But it was new to you to see him like that, completely entranced by your simple being-it was something new. A wonderful newness that made you feel like the most desired of women on this earth.

Taken by a rush of boldness, you practically jumped into his arms, wrapping your arms around his neck; you ended up on top of him, with his hands around your hips. You both laughed, like two little boys frolicking in the gardens. And you left a kiss on his left cheek, then on the bridge of his nose. A kiss again on his forehead, and then down on the side of his lips. When you were about to give him another kiss, just where he most yearned for your lips, against his, you stopped a few inches away, with a wide smile, before speaking again, "If so little is enough to make your happiness, then I will sing to you every day, whenever you ask. Let me be your nightingale, your morning song and your lullaby all at once!"

"I couldn't wish for anything else, my dear. Now, however, I beg you, sing one more melody for me, before my duties drag me back to the palace, and I shall consider myself a blessed man."

"With great pleasure, my love." Your voice was now little more than a whisper. With a languid movement, Baldwin moved his body to rest his head on your lap, and you eagerly greeted him. After slightly moving the hood that veiled his head, so that you could play with his golden locks, you began to sing a new melody, one that this time spoke of reciprocated love, of the joy of being able to hold your loved one in your arms. But the words you sang barely reached Baldwin before his sky-colored eyes closed softly, his mind giving him at least a moment's despite from his perilous life. You continued to sing, caressing his face, which from day to day appeared more and more mutilated by his disease, singing the sweetest of melodies so as to prolong this idyll in which you and your husband found yourselves in. 

For with you Baldwin had a way of putting the crown aside, and being nothing more than a foolish young man in love, whose only duty was to love you, to love you with all the love that an angel like you deserved.

@sweetworkoffiction hope you like it <3

[yukikorogashi]

(shhh this is anon) BECKYYYYY TwT prances on in here with some tea and cookies for the sweetest bestie and the gal who deserves the world! ;3; I know I tell you this so much, but I will never tire of it, so I'm here again to remind you that you're hands-down one of the nicest, most talented, most INSPIRATIONAL people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting ;u; You never cease to amaze me with your exceptional skills in graphic design, art, writing... legit, basically ANYTHING you put your hands in, your efforts and the results are so phenomenal, and I will never not admire how you maintain modesty and continue to be SUCH a friendly sunflower of a person all the while! <3 You should be so proud of how far you've come and how hard you work always, Becky! But please remember to be kind to yourself and take those breaks that you desperately need, okay? <3 <3 Sending you all the love, always!

ANONYMOUSLY TELL ME YOUR HONEST OPINION ABOUT ME. I CAN’T REPLY, JUST PUBLISH.

POINTS @ YOU... 🥺❤️ IT'S THE BESTIE... IT'S BEST GORL SAMMY... THE BESTEST BESTIE BOO TO EVER BEST-- aaeuhaauwhae yeah I'm starting not to make anymore sense so just... rests my head against you like I always do now while I enjoy these lovely tea and cookies that you have also come to spoil me with!!! 😭❤️💕

But Lord help me because I keep switching between thanking you for once more spoiling me with all this support, kindness and love-- and apologising to you for the fact that I'm likely just going to repeat myself by loving you back awuehauwe! After all, it's just a never ending cycle of love between us, huh? With us both always being so ready to scream at one another like AAAAAAAAA ❤️💕❤️!!! No matter what the reason might be, no matter how we are feeling about something else... I just love that we both will always ALWAYS get to express how much we love each other, no matter auehawuhe. OTL ... S-So yeah, I will inevitably love on you again, the next time we get to chat, so I will TRY to keep this response short-- even though that just feels like a crime to me because GDI this amazing girl here needs to be told each and every time just how wonderful and loved she herself is! 🥺 ❤️💕

BUT ANYWAY--

I don't know what I did to deserve a bestie as amazing as you. To know someone as incredible as you. and for her to think this highly of me like AAAAAAA??? I still sometimes can't help but look back over my shoulder, to check and see if there's someone behind me. WHICH DOESN'T MAKE SENSE IN THIS CASE BUT Y'KNOW AWUehwauH!!! Honestly, you-- without fail-- will always inspire and leave me in awe-- just from your existence alone.

You are not just a crazy talented writer and artist (As I mentioned many times before you, you are in my top 3 favourite writers, and if Danganronpa is real, you would totally be enrolled as one of the Ultimate Writers for the academy AEHAW!!! And gaaaah your art, your art will forever be one of the cutest, prettiest things- and honestly I cannot get enough of see your drawings too!!! So I count my blessings when I actually get the chance to see any of it!)... but also one of the strongest human beings I know. You always put others before yourself, and it blows me away just how much you do for others... including me. ;;

I can't thank you enough, for all that you do, truly. You have done, so, so much for me, when honestly-- I also just kinda... wanna gently sit you down and make sure you get a much needed rest and break auehawuhe (EVEN THOUGH I know you will be like "I'm fine! uwu" Like-- SHHHHH AWEHAWH!!!) !!! To see you happy, to see you excited, always makes my day. And I can't tell you how much joy it brings me just to see that from you. To just see you. 💕 To just see a joyous hello from you, and better yet-- share absolutely anything with me. Be it about anything RP related, or just what's going on in your own life!

I'm sending you so, so much love back your way, m'darling. Always and forever, okay? Me pretty much flinging every bit of love I can at you, even before some are able to fully form into ripe apple hearts AUEHAUWHE!!!

@falsiliar ❤️💕

[thoughts-in-20s]

FIRST WEEK IN THAILAND 🇹🇭

สวัสดีคะ!

Hello how was your week? We have safely arrived here in Thailand last Wednesday night and I've been here in Ayutthaya (my first area) for only 4 days and it's been such a very tough week for me although I already know the first 3 months in the field would be hard I didn't really expect it to be this hard. Guess what we are opening this area haha great my first area is an open and biking area I don't really know what to feel to be honest but I kinda feel like this area would progress because the members here are so so nice and sweet and they have 3 returned missionaries here who also served in thailand which is a good thing because they for sure know about the area but one thing about Ayutthaya they never had their missionaries ever since pandemic so that explains why there are only less than 30 members here but I'm excited to work on this area also we have another set of 2 missionaries who will be serving with us so 1 companionship of Elders (Elder Anderson and Elder Badal) and 1 companionship of senior missionaries (Elder and Sister Cook) they are so sweeettttt they even treat us for dinner last night plus help us get our groceries I love them so much. So last night we have a bunch of meetings and I was just so lost in translations I can't even understand a single word but it's a good thing for me because it motivates me to like strive more in learning thai and I've been doing language study 2 times harder than I was in the MTC. I really testify SYL is so so important trust me it will seriously help you when you'll already out in the field now it's clear to me why our teachers in the mtc are trying their very best for us to do SYL I guarantee it's 100% helpful. Anyways my trainer is (Sister Loranger) she is the best companion you would ever have she is so patientttt and kind to me, and also she is the referral secretary so we'll kinda do a lot of stuffs with social media because most of the people here use it so it's kinda useful to get referrals because they usually chat in our page if they wanna get Book of Mormon or if they wanna learn about the Gospel. President and Sister Burgener are so sweet they welcomed us warmly and the first time we got here the first thing we saw was the Thailand Bangkok Temple it was so prettyyyyy I really felt the assurance and peace that everything will be well. We'll also be having our zone conference next week and we'll be singing with our native language which is a funny thing because this is my first time singing in tagalog and I'm the only Filipino in this area. Things are literally new here for me especially the food because to be honest I never had a food here which is not spicy so Goodluck to me hahaha. But even though it's hard I know He is always there to bear me up and the same goes to you. I like how the Lord will always make it hard for us at first so that we can be more tougher. I miss my ward, my family, my friends and MTC but I know I will eventually love it more here. Thai people are literally the sweetest they are more into their feelings when they talk to you and you can literally feel their sincerity. I am so blessed that the Lord chose Ayutthaya to be my first area couldn't be more grateful. I love the Book of Mormon so much I can't even count how many times it had helped me during my difficult times. I really testify the power of prayer from the very first day we arrived here I really felt the Lord is very mindful to me. Whenever you feel discourage just always remember Mosiah 14: 3-5 He lives and He is there for you even if don't feel it His love is always there. Words can't even describe how grateful I am for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The work is so so hard here but the work Jesus Christ did was a lot harder I love Him with all my heart and I will always do my best to glorify Him and Heavenly Father ! I hope you are doing well, Take care always and I would love to hear from you too!

1. Ayutthaya District

2. My Trainer (Sister Loranger) 💛✊️

3. Nephi district I miss y'all so so much

4. Ayutthaya Branch

5. Elephant sanctuary (I kinda feel bad for the Elephant tbh)

[daisynik7]

my wife is actually the sweetest person ever!?#%&@$ but, i’ve def backtracked my steps and figured out what went wrong and what to avoid in the future. luckily i’ve been blessed with a family that would eat rocks if they had nutritional benefits and aren’t as scrutinizing over cooking as i am lol 🥲. but i’m always open to new cookware in my kitchen 

it’s so cute to hear that you’ve been feeling full of love i hope that feeling stays with you for a long time. and no matter what you write, you can always count on me to support you and your writing, regardless of numbers, if you’re happy with it than so am i! so give me your cheesy, sickeningly sweet and i’ll be mushy and soft with you too<3 🥹

yes!!! the blanket in the dryer is amazing! my mom would do it for our dogs when it got cold and i started doing it for myself too and omg yes SO COZY. it makes me so happy that it’s something you’ve been doing that to snuggle and stay warm with hot chocolate.

thank you for your tender love, i love you more snookums!🥰

but MY wife is the sweetest ever! honestly, we're marshmallow stuffed, candy coated, dipped in chocolate, cavity-inducing, we're that sweet together, I love us 💗 and I'm glad it was a learning experience for you! and LOL about your family, at least they'll eat whatever you cook regardless if it's not up to your own standards. have I already mentioned that we are our own worst critics? I had to say that to one of my coworkers today who wasn't happy with the mac & cheese they brought for the potluck, but I personally thought it was great!

I hope so too! I think this feeling will stay with me for a while :) and STOP, you always find a way to make me tear up with a big smile on my face! I wish I could better express to you how much your love and support means to me. you keep me motivating to keep writing these silly little fics! 😭

that's so cute she would do that for you dogs! it's genius. it's especially nice because I love the smell of fresh laundry. might make some hot chocolate tonight now that you mention it! if you have a nice hot mug of coffee/tea/hot cocoa in your hands right now, imagine me clinking my mug with yours 💗

I'm off of work for the rest of the week so yay! if you are too, I hope you have a relaxing break, and if you're not, I hope the weekend comes fast hehe. I love you thea, my snookums, my precious treasure! ♥️

[shittingtears]

Coffee and surprises

Yoru x reader

Basically what if the agents had a day off so they went to a local coffee shop where Yoru meets you, the sweetest barista he has ever come across. The next day they are introduced to a new agent. 'Isn't that...?'

fem reader

Reposted bcs I did some fixing, this is an older fic I started last year but never really finished til months ago

Apologies ahead for mistakes, I don't catch them all the time

It was rare that the agents ever got a break, whether it be half a day or just a few hours, the kind of work they did demanded their attention, not only in fighting, but in research and other things too, so it was a rare blessing that they actually had a day off.

"When was the last time we got a day off like this? Forever ago?" Jett said as she guided Raze, killjoy, Yoru and Phoenix to the coffee shop she had planned on bringing them to.

The team laughed as they entered the small building that was down the corner of the street.

The smell of freshly ground beans and pastries immediately surrounding them, orange-yellow lights making the atmosphere seem warmer during the winter weather.

Phoenix found a seat what would accommodate the five of them.

"Alright now who wants to go and order?" Raze pipped up. "Not me." She said right away before anyone else could say anything.

"Not me!"

"Not me, that's for damn sure."

"Not me of course."

Which left poor Yoru to go, and of course, not wanting to admit the defeat he sighs, "Don't think I lost, I'm just doing this because I know one of you would mess up the order, now tell me what you want."

"Sure sure, whatever you say." Killjoy chuckled.

-

He walked to the counter still reading the list of what he and his teammates wanted, and as soon as he looked up from it he swear his jaw almost dropped.

"Hello, what can I get for you today?" You had a sweet smile on your face as you got ready to put down the order.

Wow was he caught off guard.

Now, he isn't the type to be all flustered like this, not at all, not around anybody, not even himself. But you were just so stunningly beautiful, you likely— no, are the prettiest girl he's ever seen.

How could his heart not climb up his throat and punch his esophagus.

"Hello? Sir?" Your voice rung in his ears, snapping him out of his daze.

"Oh, yes, uh, I'll have..." He didn't know where to look, so he nervously glanced at the list and back at you as he read out the order, doing his best to collect himself, he was the Yoru after all.

"Will that be all? I'll call you when your drinks are ready." You were about to head back and tend to the order before quickly calling out for him.

"Oh, wait, excuse me Sir, I almost forgot! What's your name?"

"My name?" He could feel his heart rate jump and stomach do a barrel roll as he raised an eyebrow.

'Why does she want to know my name?'

"Yes, so I can call you over for your drinks." Your lips twitched up, a small smile as you held back a giggle.

"Oh, right, Yoru." The unintentional disappointment in his voice made it harder to hold back the smile from getting any wider.

"Alrighty, will be done asap." You say cheerfully as you got to work, coworker coming in to man the register.

He walked back to his seat, your voice still lingering in his head. He held back the embarrassing surge of heat that was crawling up his gut and face to avoid the teasing words his coworkers would mercilessly throw at him if they were to notice.

-

"How do you think the new recruit will do?" Phoenix asked asked as soon as Yoru took a seat.

"I don't care." Yoru replied, the members ignoring his attitude, they were used it it by now.

"I don't know but I hope they are willing to help me out with making new bots." Killjoy started to day dream of the possible creations she could think up when she gets back to the base.

"Count me in Killjoy, I can help tinker with you."

"No fair, you guys might blow them up before I can say hi!" Jett jokingly said to them.

It wasn't long after their drinks were ready. "Order for Yoru?"

The conversation the agents were having was put to a halt.

"I'll get em' for us." Phoenix got up to get the order.

Yoru watched as you handed down the orders to Phoenix.

He didn't care until he saw you smiling and chatting with him, Phoenix handing you a slip of paper.

He coughed and looked away, brows furrowed, heavy feeling in his chest.

-

The time they got home Yoru couldn't get you off his mind, and Phoenix handing you what he assumed to be his number didn't help.

Up until it was time to hit the hay.

-

The next day the agents were all called to the meeting room to discuss the new recruit and the upcoming mission.

"Now as you all were informed, you will be meeting the new agent today.

They all nodded their heads, Yoru slightly spaced out and not listening, he'll just get a review on the mission tasks later.

"Guys, this is the new agent Y/N, she's a very skilled and experienced radiant so I hope you all treat her with respect."

Yoru looked over to see who it was, his eyes going wide and heart slamming against his chest.

It was you.

"Hello everyone, I'm glad to be here." You smiled at everyone, Jett, Raze, Killjoy, and Phoenix waving their hands up in the air.

"Hey! You're the barista from the shop!" Jett waved.

You looked confused for a second before your face lit up, "Right! I saw you guys yesterday." You chuckle.

"Oh, and Phoenix, thanks for Brimstones number, if I didn't have it I think I'd be lost on my way here."

"Huh? How did you know to give her his number?" Yoru raised a brow, but the heavy feeling in his chest went away knowing it wasn't the fire boys number.

"I read the documents on the new agent, remember? We made a bet, whoever wins doesn't have to organize the files this week."

Yoru felt like an idiot, turning his head away.

Maybe he should have done the documents.

But that didn't matter, because right now the girl he was up all night thinking about was standing right before him.

-

After a briefing on the mission and some more introduction, the agents were getting ready to leave.

Yoru was just about to walk out the door when you came up to him.

"Yoru, right? I remember you." He stood silent as you smiled at him.

"You didn't pick up the drinks when they were ready, I wanted to hand you this."

You put your hand on his to pull it up, the touch sending electric shock throughout his body.

He could feel the heat on his cheeks.

You opened his palm and put in a piece of paper, closing it then slipping past him and out the door, intentionally letting the touch of your shoulder on his linger for longer than necessary.

"Cya around."

Too awestruck to say anything, he watched your back walk down the hallway and turn a corner.

And with that you were gone again.

He decided to open the paper later, heading over the the range to practice.

-

Tired from all the training, he took his jacket off, a paper falling out from one of the pockets.

He cleared his throat, the privacy of his room being a good place to read the paper.

This time his jaw actually dropped.

'Your accent is cute, wish I could hear it with my name'

With new found confidence, he placed the paper on his bedside table.

"What a flirt, two can play that game."

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter four: "Hurt"

Words count: 13,7K

The gif is mine ✨

Warnings: Hardcore Spencer trauma. Mention of drug abuse,  torture, Criminal Minds usual case triggers. Spoilers of Season 2 E14/15 Criminal Minds.

Summary: An unsub abducts Spencer, and reader blames JJ for it.

A/N: Have you ever wished you were there to save Spencer from Tobias Hankel? I know I have. I know reader wants to... I'm dying to know what you'll think of this chapter! Sorry if it's a little too graphic, writing Spencer's POV of this episode was really hard.

Series Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

(Y/N)'s point of view

I remember the day Emily Prentiss arrived. We had a case in Saint Louis. Two serial killers, 'cos it couldn't just be one asshole making everyone miserable. And on top of all, Hotch was confused and upset 'cos he never signed Emily's transfer to the BAU. It was like someone was trying to force her into the team, and we all thought it was weird.

We left the bullpen off to the case and left Prentiss in the office, not knowing if she actually got the job or not. I know Elle and I weren't incredibly close, but it still felt weird to think someone might join the team and try to replace her. It didn't work that way in that job. It didn't feel right at the moment.

There is something I also distinctly remember about that day: Gideon talked to me. And not only that, but he actually trusted my knowledge. We hadn't been on the best terms for a few months, so that approach meant a lot to me.

We were at the police station. Reid and I had been analyzing the letters one of the killers had sent to a journalist to find something that might help us catch him before there were any more victims. That's when JJ and Jason walked in, and he asked about our progress.

- "He only sent this to an individual, which shows he is not confident enough to initiate contact with the masses."- Spencer explained as he projected an image of the letter on the wall.

- "Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants, and you can see the shooter maintains vertical, narrow letter writing, and both are signs of repression"- I said and pointed at the image on the wall- "And the pressure, if you look closely, it's excessively heavy, which shows that he's uptight and can easily overreact."

Gideon looked at me and nodded. It was my cue to keep on talking. For once in a long time, I was feeling approved by him.

- "You got all that from his handwriting?"- JJ asked me, surprised. Reid looked at me from the other side of the room, and I could feel his smile reflecting how proud he was of me.

- "Graphology is an effective and reliable indicator of personality and behavior."

- "But my writing is always different,"- she added, and I nodded. I was waiting for that comment.

- "Yes, because it represents your emotions at the moment, just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling while you are speaking."

- "What else can we know about our unsub from this?"- Gideon asked me.

- "Well, our killer uses simple statements, all first person, like "I won't be ignored," which means he's obviously tired of feeling this way. He may have a job in solitude or one that he feels strips of his identity. His work might require him to wear a uniform, something that shows absolutely no individuality, or he may be overqualified for his menial job and feels that he doesn't get the respect that he necessarily deserves."

I made a pause and waited for his words. I was giving my best, and I swear I was still hoping I could ever get Jason Gideon's blessing.

- "I think we are ready to give a profile,"- he said and nodded.

And damn, that felt good.

When we were back in Quantico, Hotch had a long and clearly awkward conversation with the section chief, Erin Strauss. She was scary. She was clearly trying to get rid of Hotch, questioning his work daily, decisions, and how he managed the team. Why? I have no idea.

It felt she forced him to accept Prentiss into the team. We were one man down after Elle left. Ok, one awesome woman down, so we definitely needed some help. And Emily was a great addition from day one.

We clicked right away. Prentiss was funny, smart, but most of all, she constantly had to prove she deserved to be there. Just like me. Gideon gave her the cold shoulder from day one, and that I could relate. The only difference was that she won him over in a few days, though. I was still trying to win that battle.

Garcia decided we needed a girl's night, and she hosted the first of many "BAU Girl Power get together." Basically, it was us at Penelope's place drinking and talking.

That first night, we updated Prentiss with everything that had happened with Elle. She wanted to know everything about us, what we did, how long we've been on the team, and how we all got along. It was sweet and fresh. After that year in the BAU, I had already learned to enjoy the sweet things in life. Like getting drunk with my work girlfriends.

- "So, does Hotch ever smile?"- Emily asked, and we all laughed at the very same time. Yes, it was getting late, and we weren't as sober as we should have been.

- "He does! he does!"- JJ assured us- "You should see him with his baby."

- "He is a dad?"- Emily was shocked. I was surprised too when I found out Aaron was married and with a baby. The amount of time he spends at work always made me feel he had zero personal life.

- "And has a beautiful wife"- JJ added- "He is always laughing when he is with her and baby Jack."

- "I guess this job can drain the happiness from your day... "- I thought out loud, but before anyone could say anything about my dark and bitter comment, my cell phone rang.

- "Hey honey bunny, everything ok?"- I stood up and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to interrupt the girl's conversations.

- "Yes, I just wanted to make sure you were drinking enough water between drinks"- I laughed and shook my head. Only Reid could call to say such a thing. He was the sweetest friend on earth.

- "Yes, I am, don't worry. I'm not going to be hungover or drunk tomorrow. I know you are excited about the new exposition."

- "You are gonna love it!"

- "I am sure I will"- and I wasn't kidding. I loved when he dragged me to the Smithsonian or any museum for some nerdy fun.

- "Have fun with the girls."

- "What are you doing, by the way?"

- "Just reading a little, you left your complete Sherlock Holmes collection here, so I'll be solving mysteries while you get drunk."

- "Don't have too much fun without me"- he chuckled and ended the call. I smiled and walked back to the girls looking at me with a funny grin on their faces.

- "Was that your boyfriend?"- Penelope asked me, and I frowned right away.

- "No, it was Reid. He just wanted to confirm we are going to the museum tomorrow."

- "Wait"- Prentiss narrowed her brows and looked at us confused- "Reid ain't your boyfriend?"

JJ and Garcia's laughter was epical, as well as my frown. They nearly gasped for air while Prentiss and I waited until they calmed down.

- "No"- I finally answered- "Reid is not my boyfriend."

- "He is more than that; he is her work husband,"- Penelope clarified, and I turned to her with my mouth wide open, shocked.

- "What the fuck? Reid ain't my work husband. He is my best friend!!"

- "Yes, and you happen to call your best friend "honey bunny," right?"- JJ questioned, just like she had a few months before when we were alone in our room away on a case.

- "Reid is my best friend, and yes, I call all my close friends by weird pet names. You will get one too if you are lucky."

- "But I thought"- Emily continued- "I mean, he looks at you like you are his sun."

- "No, Prentiss, the only coupe in this team is the one between "chocolate thunder" and "baby girl" right here"- I pointed at Garcia, and she just blushed and covered her face.

- "My love for Derek will burn forever with the intensity of a thousand suns. I mean, have you seen that man? he was made by the gods and sent to earth just to give my existence some sense"- we all laughed at those cheesy words, though Pen was serious about them.

- "But, have you ever...?- JJ looked at her and made a pause. We were all looking at every single facial movement or behavior she might show to read her body language."

- "My relationship with my loverman could never be tainted by something as mundane as sex."

- "Like you wouldn't lick honey from that six-pack and ride that thunder."

The words just left my lips, and I blame the buzz. BAU (Y/N) would have never said that. Drunk (Y/N) would, totally.

The girls laughed until tears fell from their eyes, and I just chuckled, honestly happy to make them laugh. I had been more of the real me than I had ever actually been around them in nearly a year.

- "Hello?"- my phone rang again when I was walking out of the bathroom. And this time, it was Paul.

- "Hey babe, what are you doing?"

- "Hey, I'm..."- I looked at the girls in front of me and sighed- "I'm stuck with paperwork"- and they turned to me immediately. I could read the "What the fuck" on their faces.

- "Well, I'm at Rob's in case you feel like dropping by. We are writing a few songs."

- "I'll text you if I finish with this early, but... have fun."

- "Ok, bye"- I hung up and sighed.

- "And that was..."- Prentiss asked, frowning.

- "My boyfriend,"- I explained and grabbed another beer

- "Sure, I could feel the passion,"- Garcia joked, but I just didn't think it was funny.

I knew my relationship with Paul wasn't alright. Actually, things with Paul weren't. Period. We were done, it was apparent, but still, neither of us had said it. That relationship was just a few phone calls every once in a while, only to make small talks. When we were together, we would just watch a movie, eat something, drink a few beers, and that was it. It had been a long time since we had sex or even made out. I don't know why I didn't end it sooner. I guess I was just afraid to do it.

But I let more months pass before I actually did something.

Spencer's point of view

I'm not proud of what happened that year after Prentiss joined the team. I think that year changed me profoundly, and a part of me never fully recovered afterward.

Maybe it had to be that way, and it was something I had to go through to grow up. I guess I'm still trying to make some sense of all the misery I put my friends through. Mostly (Y/N). She was in hell with me.

A few weeks after New Year, we started working on a case. Someone was killing wealthy people in their own homes. At first, we thought there were two unsubs, 'cos one of them called 911 after killing, and you could hear them struggling and arguing. But no, it was just one.

Tobias Hankel was a delusional serial killer. He had split personalities, not two but actually three. His father, the one who tortured me. The archangel Raphael, who was trying to make God's will, killing people. And himself, who wanted to save me, but instead, he nearly destroyed me.

What do I remember about the day he kidnapped me? I remember I was stupid enough to try to catch an unsub alone, just to prove I could take care of myself on the field. Hotch sent me and JJ to talk to Hankel at his house, 'cos apparently, he might have seen the unsub months earlier. But no, he was the unsub, and neither JJ nor me could stop him.

We hid in a barn, and I was so eager to prove I could catch him; I told JJ we had to split up to cover the place. I was counting on Hotch to get there with the team sooner than they did, and before I realized it, I was in the middle of a cornfield, and Hankel was pointing at me with my own gun.

I was sure I was going to die right there. All of Hankel's personalities were struggling inside of him. I couldn't stop thinking about why I thought I could do it on my own? Why had I been a reckless asshole? Was it because I wanted to prove I was an excellent SAA? Because I wanted to impress JJ? Maybe I tried to convince myself I could do the same job my team did. I knew I wasn't the most physical person, but I had a gun. I had been trained to capture killers.

Yes, I was an asshole that day, and I've regretted everything that happened that night many, many times in the following years.

When I woke up, I was tied to a chair, and the archangel Raphael had taken Hankel's mind completely. The room was dark, and it smelled awful. He was burning fish hearts and livers, 'cos he believed it kept the devil away.

I was confused and lost. My head was spinning, and my heart was about to burst into my chest. I knew I could die any second now. Raphael wasn't the one to show mercy. That's what I had learned from all the videos Hankel had uploaded to the web. He had shared with the world every murder they had committed to show the other sinners what was going to happen to them.

- "They believe you can see inside men's minds"- Raphael looked at me with dark eyes, implying he meant Tobias and his father

- "It's not true. I study human behavior."- my voice was shaking. I knew I had never been more scared in my entire life. He took out a gun and showed me one bullet.

- "Do you know what this is? It's God's will."

Things didn't look good for me. He put it in the cylinder of the revolver and spun it. He was going to let my life to luck.

- "You don't have to do this"- I tried to talk him out of it, though I knew it wasn't going to work.

- "No go, sinners, to your God."

And he pressed the trigger.

What went through my mind the seconds that passed between having the gun pointed to my face and realizing I had lived? My mom. All I could think of was how my mom would react to the news of my death. I could never bear to hurt her like that. I couldn't die. I couldn't leave her alone.

I sighed, relieved, and bit my lips not to cry. Raphael looked at me with a blank expression and walked out of the room. I had survived for now.

I struggled with my handcuff, but it was useless. My head was killing me. I could feel the open wound on my head, still dripping blood on my temple and head. I tried to focus on the pain for a few minutes, just to make sure I was awake. It was a nightmare, and keeping myself sane and conscious under those circumstances was nearly impossible.

How was I going to get out of there alive? Did the team know where I was? I had no idea where I had been taken. I had been unconscious the whole way. It was dark, and I couldn't see much around me. I wasn't afraid of that darkness. I was more fearful of the man that left me alone, 'cos he was armed and mentally unstable. Darkness had nothing on him.

I had to focus on the things that kept me sane. The things that made me want to get out of that room alive.

- "My name is Spencer Walter Reid. I'm twenty-five years old, my mother's name is Diana Reid, I was born in Las Vegas, October 28th, 1981."

I closed my eyes and tried to think of all the things that made me happy.

- "I work at the BAU, my best friend's name is (Y/N), and she sits at the desk in front of me. Derek Morgan is the closest I've got to an older brother."

He was. He still is. You have to be close to dead to start seeing things clearly sometimes. Derek was my brother. He treated me like a kid, but a kid brother. He was always teasing me, trying to teach me how to pick up girls, trying to drag me to the gym with him. Derek was a good friend, we were very different, and I knew if we had been classmates in high school, we would probably never have talked. He was a jock, and I was a nerd. But life had brought us together. And now I couldn't think of a better friend than him.

I tried to focus on my happiest memories. My birthday came to mind. The guys had planned a Halloween-themed birthday party at the conference room of the BAU. Of course, Garcia baked a cake and (Y/N) helped her decorate it. It was incredible, 'cos it was covered with tiny gourds and skulls.

- "Frank and Mikey sent you these,"- she announced after everybody had given me their presents. I wide opened my eyes in shock 'cos I had no idea her friends knew it was my birthday or even cared about it.

- "Why?"- I had to ask.

- "'Cos they think you are amazing. They actually wanted to come over to your house and have a few beers tonight."- I opened my mouth to say something, but Derek interrupted me.

- "Pretty boy is gonna get to work hungover again."

- "Shut up"- (Y/N) and I said at the same time, making everybody chuckle. I opened the present her friends had sent me and laughed right away.

- "Lucky Doc"- I read and took out of the bag a Sports Illustrated issue with Lila Archer on the cover. My cheeks turned red immediately.

- "Frank still hasn't overcome that story. I think he will hate you forever"- (Y/N) laughed (along with the rest of the team) and gave me another present.

- "They also sent you this. They said you were going to like the man in black"- it was a Johnny Cash's vinyl- "Frank picked it. He thinks he is some sort of musical psychic that can read people's taste in music."

- "We should get together and have a few beers one of these days. I need to thank them for these."

Gideon looked at me in silence as soon as I said those words. But I didn't care if he disapproved. I was going to be (Y/N)'s friend, whether he liked it or not.

He is the closest I've had to a dad in the latest years. He cares about me, and he tries to make the best of me that he can. Yes, he can be too apprehensive. I think that's a way to put it. But only because he wants me to be the best profiler I can be.

I never thought I would end up working at the BAU. I never thought I would love the job I do as much as I do. Back when I was in college, I thought I would dedicate my life to finding a cure for schizophrenia, but I ended up hunting serial killers across the country.

And though I was about to die, I didn't regret any of the decisions that led me there.

The morning found me shaking, cold, and scared. I was in a small cabin in the woods. Just like the worst and more cliché horror movie ever made. This was my own horror movie.

- "What are you staring at, boy?"- Tobias opened the front door carrying logs for the fire. His voice had changed yet again, so I knew it wasn't the same person I had talked to the night before.

- "You are not Raphael."- I whispered, looking at every movement he did.

- "Do I look like Raphael?"- had I insulted him? I couldn't tell. He turned to the fire, and I took a deep breath, doing my best to stay calm.

- "Thank you for burning those, for keeping us safe."- I said, looking at the fish hearts and livers he was preparing to put on the fire.

- "Don't try to trick me."

- "I would never try to trick you."

- "You are a liar."

- I'm not a liar."- it was hard to stay calm and not start screaming for help or mercy, but I knew that was going to take me nowhere with him.

- "Lying is a sin."

- "I'm not a liar."- he walked closer to me, and sat right in front of me, held my leg up, and grabbed my foot.

- "This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins."

- "I am not a sinner"- I whispered again. He took off my shoe.

- "We are all sinners."- it didn't look good for me, not at all, and I knew I had to talk to him with his words with his beliefs to save my life.

- "The Lord spake unto Moses saying "Speak unto all the congregation of the children of the lord" and say unto them, ye shall be holy, for I, the Lord your God, am holy."

Hankel, this time in the personality of his father, looked at me surprised. I might have done something right, 'cos he stopped moving, and for a second, I thought it was going to be ok.

- "You know Leviticus."

- "I know every word of the bible. I can recite it for you."- but his eyes turned dark again.

- "The devil knows how to read too."

- "I'm not a devil, I'm not a devil2- I repeated, and couldn't stop shaking, 'cos my life on the hands of a sociopath.

- "I'm a man, my name is Spencer Reid, and I have a mother, and I have a father just like you, and they taught me the bible, let me recite the bible."

My voice cracked at the knowledge of what he was going to do. He stood up, still holding my foot. He was going to torture me, he was going to try to break me, and I had to be strong. I didn't know how I would find the strength, but I had to be strong.

- "Time to confess, Spencer Reid"- and without further notice, he slapped a log against my foot, making me scream in pain. It hurt from the tip of my toes until the back of my skull. I hadn't felt that kind of pain, and it was worse knowing he was just getting started. Tears started falling down my cheeks in no time.

- "Confess!"

- "I don't have anything to confess."- I whimpered and closed my eyes, 'cos I knew he was going to continue his torture. And so he did. The pain was excruciating. I was sure I was going to pass out

I tried to go to a happy place in my head, somewhere when I could hide from all that pain. It was too hard, though. It hurt too much. I kept repeating over and over again I wasn't a sinner, begging Hankel for mercy, as he shouted I had to confess.

I made an effort to think about what he might want me to say. What did he want me to confess? Which sins was he talking about? But nothing came to my mind, nothing but the pain and the fear of dying.

(Y/N)'s point of view

The second we reached Hankel's cabin, I started looking for Spencer. I had a horrible feeling about it. Morgan and I headed it to a barn with Prentiss. There was no sign of anyone. It was dark and quiet. Never a good sign.

- "Shit!"- I whispered, staring at three dead dogs and a bath of blood in front of me. There laid the body of another victim that was missing from Hankel's last attack.

- "FBI!!"- JJ shouted suddenly. She was pointing his gun to us, clearly in shock- "Don't move!!"

- "JJ, it's Morgan, (Y/L/N), and Prentiss! Don't shoot"- Derek tried to calm her down, walking towards her- "Are you hurt?"- she lowered the gun and stared at us. You could read the fear and the trauma in her eyes.

- "Tobias Hankel is the unsub,"- she whispered as Prentiss rubbed her arm sweetly, trying to comfort her.

- "Yeah, we know"- I moved towards her too and put my gun back into the holster.

- "And we thought he was just a witness"- we looked around, and JJ pointed at the dead dogs.

- "JJ, where is Reid?"- Derek asked her, but she just continued talking.

- "They completely tore her apart"

- "JJ, look at me,"- I said and held her arm carefully- "Look at me, where's Reid?"- she was shaking, and her voice was cracking. I knew she was making her best effort to pull herself together.

- "We split up. He said he was going to go in the back."

And there it was. That was the reason why I had a bad feeling all along. Derek looked at me and nodded as we read each other's minds. The two of us turned around and ran outside, leaving JJ with Prentiss, waiting for the medical team and ambulance to check on her wounds.

Gideon and Hotch were inside the cabin, looking for Hankel, but there was no one there. And there was no sign of Reid behind the barn either, in the cornfield, or anywhere in the perimeter. Reid was nowhere to be found, and I started losing it little by little. I tried to repeat myself the words Hotch had said many times during my year in the BAU: "when you are out there with the team; your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case." But the case had never included my best friend missing before.

- "Hey, is there any sign of him yet?- I asked the police chief as I reached the ambulance. He was there talking with JJ, making sure she was ok.

- "We got every one of our units on the road. He won't make it far"- I nodded and watched him walk away. I knew he thought I was talking about Hankel, but I actually meant Reid.

I turned to JJ and moved a little closer to her. Her eyes open wide, staring back at me.

- "You can't find Reid?"- I just shook my head and tried to sound as casual as I could, not to freak her out. She was still in shock. I didn't want to make it worse.

- "Not yet"

- "(Y/N)"- Derek held my arm and forced me to walk away from the ambulance.- "Reid followed him into the cornfield. It looks like somebody got dragged."

My heart stopped. Did the psychopath hurt Spencer? Did he kill him? Did he torture him? Was he hurt? Was he alive? Where was he? Derek looked at me, and I nodded. I bit my lips and took a deep breath. Hotch's words were my mantra now: "your mind has to be one hundred percent on the case."

- "Are you sure?"- we turned to the police's chief, overhearing his conversation- "We are on our way now."

- "What's going on?"

- "The sheriff down two towns over, he just gave directions to a man who fit Hankel's descriptions. It's to a motor lodge in fort bend."

- "Let's get Hotch and Gideon"- Derek held my arm and walked with me to the cabin. We had to find Reid, and we had to do it fast.

That was the worst night of my life. The first worst night of my life, to be sincere. I didn't close an eye. I went through every paper, every note, every detail in that cabin, trying to find a clue that could lead us to where Tobias had taken Reid.

I felt someone had ripped my heart from my chest. I had to think straight, and to do it, I had to keep a cold head. But as the hours passed, it became a more demanding and more challenging task to complete. I knew the whole team was suffering, but that didn't ease my pain. And I knew JJ felt guilty, but that didn't stop me from blaming her in my mind. She left him alone. I would have never left Spencer alone on the field.

- "(Y/N), you should try to get some rest."

Derek whispered as he sat on the floor next to me, where I had been sitting for the last half hour, reading Tobias's old diaries. Nothing but fear of his father, mentions of Dilaudid use, and bible transcriptions.

- "I'm ok,"- I answered and didn't even take my eyes from the pages.

- "(Y/N), I mean it"

- "I'm not going to rest if he is out there in the hands of a psychopath, Derek"- I had to bite my lips and shut the fuck up, 'cos if I said one more word, I knew I was going to burst into tears.

Morgan just wrapped an arm around my shoulders and moved me closer to him. That was the first time I let him hug me, and it felt good to know I wasn't alone in my desperation. I knew he loved Reid like a brother, and neither of us was going to stop until we found him.

- "Welcome to our nightmare"- JJ's voice broke the silence we had been into for the last hour when Hotch walked into the cabin with Penelope.

It was morning already. There were still no signs of Reid. Prentiss, Gideon, JJ, and I had been sitting at the table, reading everything we could.

- "His computer is an extension of his brain. I need you to dissect it,"- Gideon whispered to García. You could feel the concern in his voice. She just nodded in shock and turned to Derek, who held her hand and helped her get set up in the computer room.

- "So, nothing new since I left?"- Hotch asked and looked at us. I just shook my head and continued reading.

- "Well, the good thing is the guy documented practically every second of his life"- Prentiss words took me from the pages I was reading. I looked at her and raised an eyebrow. The concept of "good" was poorly used in that phrase.

- "The bad news is, we are still un-piling,"- she added and sighed.

- "From the looks of it, he hasn't left this place in years,"- JJ managed to say. She made her best effort to be useful, but she was in worse shape than everybody else. Yet, that didn't make me feel bad for her. I was mad at her and kept making my best to put it aside, 'cos my head had to be in the case.

- "He knew he could pretend to be looking for a motel and throw us off his trail,"- Emily inferred, but I shook my head as soon as I heard her.

- "No, no, no, it's more than that!"- I shook my head and took a deep breath- "Sheriff's office, 911 calls, every time he engages the police and gets away with it... he reassures himself, God's on his side. Not ours."- I added.

Gideon nodded, and we shared a moment of agreement. He was as worried as I was. I could feel it. I'm not saying the rest of the team wasn't, I'm saying Jason was as fucked up as I was, and I could sense he was having the same trouble I had making sure my head and not my sentiments were into the case.

But if anything happened to Reid, I didn't know what I was capable of doing.

At a certain point, I got sick of reading and not doing anything and decided to look around the house again if we had missed anything. Derek went along. One part of me felt he wanted to stay away from JJ too. Maybe he was as mad as I was about her leaving Reid alone. I know I couldn't blame her, but I did it anyway.

- "Guys!! I think I've got something!"- Derek yelled, and I ran over. He opened a door that led to a basement. I walked right behind him, pointing my gun and my flashlight all over. But there was no sign of Reid.

- "Tobias Hankel!!"- Morgan shouted. Someone was sitting in what looked to be a gigantic freezer- "Tobias!"- but we didn't get any response. I took a step closer and examined carefully.

- "Morgan, I think we just found Hankel's father."

Spencer's point of view

On my second night in that cabin, I met Tobias. The third personality of Hankel walked into the room, carrying what seemed to be a dead deer. He looked as frightened as I was.

- "You need to eat."

- "What's your name?"

- "Tobias."

- "Tobias, who was here before?"

- "Probably my father."

He looked at me up and down, and he immediately understood what he had done to me. It was scary how he could dissociate. Someone with multiple personality disorder is usually unaware of the other personality states and memories when an alter is dominant. In this case, Tobias knew the other personalities but considered them different persons. He didn't think they were all in his head.

- "I'm sorry if he hurt you."

He looked at me like he understood everything I had been going through. Maybe he had been through something similar when his father was alive. Perhaps he had been a victim of Hankel as well, and that's what triggered his psychopathic nature.

He walked over and took out his belt.

- "What are you doing?"- he wrapped it around my arm, and I started begging him to stop.

- "It helps"- he took out of his pocket a needle and a small bottle of what seemed to be some kind of drug.

- "Don't tell my father. He doesn't know they are here."

- "Please, I don't want it, I don't want it, please"- I cried and begged.

- "It helps. I know"- it was the last thing Tobias said before the needle found my vein.

And he was right. It helped. Every single amount of pain I was feeling disappeared. My brain shut down. Somehow, everything was ok. I never had in my entire life felt so good before.

My mind kept flashing memories of when I was a kid. I kept seeing images of the day my father left and how he called my mother crazy.

- "You are weak"- mom spit those words after he refused to take me with him. I know she said it not because she didn't want me with her, but because mom knew she was sick and wanted the best for me. And he refused.

- "I'm not weak."- I whispered as I looked at her smiling back at me.

- "I know, honey."

I don't know how long I was drugged, but when I woke up, Tobias wasn't there with me anymore. It was his father.

And the torture continued.

(Y/N)'s point of view

Gideon was trying to convince me to go out with Prentiss and JJ to see a Narcotics anonymous's contact that might give us more information about Tobias. Emily had found some flyers about it in his room, and it could be the only lead we had to find him and Reid.

- "You need to get out of this house for a while"- he whispered and tapped on my back.

I knew he wasn't the one to be loving or physical with people, less with me. But that moved me. I turned to him and my eyes watered up. I was scared, and I couldn't hide it anymore. The more hours passed, the fewer the chances were to find Spencer safe. Alive.

I felt his arms around me suddenly, holding me tight, trying to keep the pieces of me together. We were alone on the porch, and though I didn't want to fall apart, I couldn't hold it anymore.

Jason didn't say a word. He just hugged me and let me cry for a few minutes. I didn't say anything either. I actually couldn't because I was overwhelmed with everything.

- "Are you ready, (Y/N)?"

Prentiss whispered as she walked over with JJ. I turned my back at them for a second to hide the tears that kept falling down my cheeks. I knew it was a shitty thing to do, 'cos it was obvious I had been sobbing, but they gave me the courtesy of not saying anything.

- "You go, I need (Y/N)'s assistance with some diary entries"- the two of them walked away quietly, and thankfully, didn't argue with Gideon.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and felt his hand on my shoulder one more time.

- "You are doing a fantastic job,"- he said and turned around.

I wish I could tell you that made me feel better, but instead, I just thought I had the duty to bring my friend back home safe.

It had been at least an hour since the girls left. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon, and the police chief were in the living room with me, reading. I sipped my hundredth cup of coffee and re-read the same diary entry for the third time.

- "There's something weird going on here."- I thought out loud and walked towards Gideon

- "You think?"- the police chief turned to me and raised an eyebrow, ironically.

- "No, seriously, check this out. This journal is filled with religious ramblings. He notated hour by hour: "November 15th, 3:17, if ye offer a sacrifice of peace offering unto the Lord, ye shall offer it at your own will", and it goes on and on: 5:04, 7:41, 10:22, 1:42."

I made a short pause and looked at Gideon and Hotch. They didn't get where I was going.

- "But then, it goes blank for days."

- "Maybe he got sick of writing"- I seriously hated that police chief.

- "I think I got it"- Hotch whispered- "Journal entry: "December 6th. Father is sick. He wants me to put him down. I say thou shalt not kill. He said, honor thy father. Must pray for guidance."

- "So he kills his father as an act of mercy?"- Gideon asked, knowing the answer.

- "This is two months ago. Tobias Hankel's father had been dead for four months already."

- "That's exactly it"- I murmured, thinking Tobias Hankel was way more fucked up than we thought.

- "Look at the floor"- Derek pointed at a chair and moved it- "These scuffs marks are fresh. It's like two people were pushing the chairs constantly, trying to fight for control."

- "So?"- I swear to God, that chief was driving me insane.

- "This journal matches Charles Hankel's handwriting, but it was written after he died"- I explained. Still, it felt he wasn't following me.

- "What do you mean?"

- "Upstairs, Tobias' bedroom got junk piled from floor to ceiling, but the other bedroom could pass a military inspection."

- "So, are you telling me one of Tobias' personalities was his father?"

Apparently, I had to draw a picture so the chief would get it. Fortunately, Gideon continued explaining the whole problem before I lost what was left of my patience.

- "Well, Tobias was raised with a strict religious code, black and white, right and wrong. When his father asked Tobias to kill him, something had to give."

- "His brain couldn't handle the moral contradiction, so he split into two personalities to keep his father alive."

Hotch tried to put it most easy and simple words possible.

- "So, who is Raphael?"

- "My guess, he is a mediator between the two"- Gideon nodded at my words and sighed.

- "Angels have no human emotions, live or die. They don't care, as long it's God's will."

- "We need to start profiling Tobias' father. He may be the one who chose where to take Reid."

Finally, I felt we were going somewhere.

When Emily and JJ came back, they gave us the news. Tobias was addicted to Dilaudid, which explained the fracture in his mind, and how he lived with three distinct personalities.

The police chief announced a computer store robbery, giving us some hopes that Tobias would use them to track him down.

- "Guys!! Guys!! get in here!!- I heard Derek shouting and I ran to the computer room. I felt sick in the stomach in less than a second. There he was, Spencer. My Spencer Walter Reid, tied to a chair, bleeding, shoeless. Clearly tortured.

- "He's been beating,"- I whispered, feeling my eyes water up. I would have given anything to be there instead of him.

- "Can you track him?!"- JJ yelled by my side, and I nearly smacked her. That's how sensitive I was feeling.

- "Hankel's only streaming this to his home computer."- Garcia whispered. And my heart dropped with those words.

That wasn't what I was supposed to hear. We were supposed to find him and bring him back safe.

- "This is for us"- Gideon didn't take his eyes from the screen- "He knows we are here."

- "I'm gonna put this guy's head on a stick"- Morgan was so mad I believed him. I wanted to do the same, if worse.

- "I'm gonna kill him myself as soon as we find him,"- I said and felt Aaron's hand on my shoulder as he asked Garcia

- "Why can't you locate him?"

- "He's rerouting to a different IP address every 30 seconds. I can't track him."

It knew it had to be hard if Penelope couldn't find her, but that didn't help. If anything, it made everything worse. I felt powerless. Hankel couldn't be more intelligent than us.

Spencer's point of view

- "Are you ready, boy?"- Hankel pulled my hair and forced me to look at him. I was still as high as fuck, but knew I was about to be tortured again.

- "Ready for what?"

- "My weakling son thinks God gave you to him for a reason"- if the reason was to get me into drugs, then the answer was yes.

Hankel placed a video camera in front of me.

- "Can you really see inside men's minds?"- he asked me and made a pause, pointing to three screens- See these vermin?

It took me a second to realize he was showing me images of real people. He had put cameras in those people's houses. How? When? What kind of sick game did he want me to play with him?

- "Choose one to die. I let you choose one to live."

- "No"- I didn't even think about my answer.

- "I thought you wanted to be some kind of savior."

- "You are a sadist and a psychotic break. You won't stop killing. Your word is not true."

I don't know if it was because of the drugs or because I hadn't eaten or drank any water in too long, but I was somehow resigned and tired of fighting.

- "The other heathens are watching- Hankel announced and pointed at the camera in front of me."

My eyes fixated on the camera right away. My team was watching me. (Y/N) was watching me. I didn't want to make her worry even more. I needed her to know I was ok. I know I wasn't, but I didn't want her to worry about me.

- "Choose a sinner to die, and I'll say the name and address of the person to be saved"- Hankel was sick. It was all a game, and religion was just an excuse to kill.

- "I won't get to choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher."

Hankel didn't like my answer, 'cos he grabbed me and pulled me up, looking into my eyes, insulted, annoyed, losing his temper.

- "Can you really see into my mind, boy?"

He was honestly scary, and it petrified me to think he could execute me right there, in front of the team, and I could never tell them how much they mean.

- "Can you see I'm not a liar?!"- he insisted. I nearly whimpered but made my best not to break- "Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they are all dead."

He dropped me on the chair and turned around. It was clear he wasn't joking. I took a deep breath and nodded.

- "Alright, I'll choose who lives."

- "They are all the same"

My eyes traveled across all the monitors. It was nearly impossible to pick one person to live, knowing all the other people there would die. Hankel was sick, and I had to set a plan to escape because otherwise, I would end up dead.

- "Far right screen,"- I whispered. He turned around and nodded.

Then, he recited the name and address of the woman on the screen. I prayed for the team to find her before Hankel came after her too.

No. It wasn't Hankel this time.

- "Raphael,"- I whispered, and he nodded. I looked at the screen again. The woman we were watching picked up the phone. She was in her kitchen. He walked around, frowned, and turned to her computer. In a second, she had turned it off. My team had reached her. She was safe, I hoped.

Hankel turned the camera off and looked at me.

- "You've done your part. Now it's my turn."

I knew what that meant. It wasn't good.

He left the cabin, and all I could see were the monitors in front of me. Those people were going to die. They were going to die because I didn't pick them. I killed them. You don't need to pull a trigger to kill someone. I could never forget those words. And this time, they meant more than anytime before. I didn't press a trigger, but I had killed two innocent people. And I actually had to watch them die.

When I saw Rapahel walk into the victims' house, I tried to close my eyes and think of anything else. A part of me kept thinking he wasn't going to kill them. He just wanted to threaten me.

But not. Raphael slaughtered them.

I found myself craving whatever it was that Tobias had given me the night before. The drug in my veins had given me a kind of peace I had never felt. And I never thought I'd have either. The type of peace that can be addictive, 'cos it turns your head off. And God knows, sometimes I needed to turn my head off.

Remembering everything that has ever happened to me, especially all the awful things, wasn't a gift. It was a burden. And whatever it was that Tobias had put in my veins, it had taken that burden from my shoulders, at least for a couple of hours.

Who wouldn't want some more of that peace?

- "Reid!"- Gideon's voice took me from my thoughts. He was sitting right in front of the camera in the victim's house. He was there with Hotch and the police, investigating the crime scene.

- "If you are watching this, you are not responsible for this. You understand me? he is perverting God to justify murder. You are stronger than him. He can not break you."

I know he meant it. But I couldn't believe any of that, not after watching a family get slaughter just because I didn't pick them.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "I thought you were going to try and get some rest,"- I said as JJ walked to me in silence. I made myself my hundredth cup of coffee, and she just showed up next to me, trying to engage in conversation, I guess.

- "Everybody else is working. I should be too."

- "We can handle it,"- I whispered and refused to look at her. I swear I was trying not to hate her, but it was getting harder and harder with every hour that passed without finding Reid.

- "It's funny, I keep thinking the one thing we need to crack this case is... well... Reid"- she chuckled, nervously and I just looked at her and nodded. I didn't even smile. I didn't move a muscle.

I didn't want to be with her, or anyone, as a matter of fact. And I wasn't going to hide it anymore. So I tried to walk away.

- "You think Reid and I should have stayed together at the barn, don't you?"

I stopped walking and looked at her. You could tell she was having a hard time facing the whole situation, and most of all, you could tell she felt guilty.

That really didn't stop me from being mad at her. I was trying to be the better woman during the investigation, but the uncertainty was getting on my nerves.

- "JJ, go get some rest,"- I tried to answer calmly, but I knew I was looking at her like she was dead to me.

- "I can tell that's what you are thinking, so..."

- "I just wanna get Spencer home safe."

- "But... if I had his back like I was supposed to do, he'd be here now"- and that was enough.

- "JJ, what the fuck do you want from me?"

- "I just...."- she was about to cry, you could tell- "I want someone to tell me the truth."

- "You want the truth? Ok, there you go: I would have never left him alone. None of this would have happened if I had been the one with him out there! 'cos I would never let anyone or anything hurt him!!"

I shouted. All the anger I had been feeling those days was finally getting off my chest. And fuck, it felt good.

- "You fucked it up, JJ, and if something happens to Spencer, I am never going to forgive you, never!"

JJ bit her lips, trying her best not to cry. But I still couldn't feel sorry for her.

- "Is that the truth you were looking for?"

- "(Y/L/N)?"- Hotch stood next to me with the most annoyed look in his eyes.

I knew I was out of line, but this wasn't about work anymore. This was personal. This was Reid we were talking about, and JJ had fucked it up. There was nothing to discuss.

- "What? You sent him with her, now she is here, and he isn't. What else is there to say?"

- "(Y/N)!"- Hotch followed me as I stormed out of the kitchen and out of the cabin- "(Y/N)! stop!"

- "What?!"- and I simply snapped- "Are you gonna suspend me for telling her the truth? Are you going to fire me for losing my shit while working a case!? Fine! I don't care! I don't give a fuck! All I care about right now is that my best friend is missing, and a fucking psychopath has him! That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking about for the last two days!"

I was yelling at Hotch. I was yelling at my unit chief. I was fucked. I knew he was going to fire me after that. But I couldn't help it. I was going insane. Tears kept falling from my eyes as I held my cup of coffee tight, holding onto it with my life.

- "(Y/N), we are all worried about Reid."

- "I know you are all worried. I am too, and I'm also afraid and mad and going fucking insane knowing I am standing here not knowing what to do to save him."

- "That doesn't give you the right to treat JJ like this is her fault"- I don't know if he was talking like my unit chief or like a father figure trying to end a fight between two of his kids.

- "Did she stay with Reid?"- I simply replied and looked at Hotch in the eyes- "Did she?"

- "She is not the only one who feels guilty, so do I. And I know I won't forgive myself if anything happens to Reid."

Hotch made a pause and tried to find a way to say what he wanted to say. The door opened, and Gideon walked to us. He knew what was going on, and he didn't say a thing. I was sure he had already heard everything. We weren't actually arguing quietly.

- "We are not getting any closer,"- Aaron finally said.

- "Reid is brilliant. He'll figure out how to survive"- Gideon's words were way more hopeful than my thoughts. In my mind, Reid was too scared to think of a way to escape.

- "You know, I always take advantage of Reid for his brain. But I never actually teach him how to deal with things emotionally."

Hotch whispered, and his words were filled with regret. I was filled with anger and anxiety, and I know the two of them felt the same. But they way better at handling their feelings.

- "Lead by example,"- Jason answered, probably trying to make him feel better.

- "What kind of example is that?"- I simply replied, and both of them stayed in silence.

I don't think my words helped Hotch, but I wasn't trying to do that either. I was just honest. And Hotch's emotional assistance was shit on the field. Even Gideon was better.

- "He'll make it,"- Jason reassured us and nodded- "Now stop arguing and go back to work."

Spencer's point of view

I was glad when Tobias came to me that night with a needle in his hand and put the drug into my vein. I needed some release after watching a family die 'cos I didn't save them.

- "I'm sorry I had to leave"- he excused himself, preparing the drug next to me.

- "You can leave again, and you can take me with you,"- I begged in a soft voice.

- "My father would be angry,"- he replied and didn't even look at me. This time, I didn't even argue when he wrapped the belt around my arm. I was even a little eager he'd do it faster.

- "Not if he can't find us."

- "He always finds me."

- "If you tell me where we are, my friends will come, and they'll save us."

He gave me a look, mixed with horror and resignation. It broke my heart to think for a moment of all the horrors that lead Tobias to be as sick as he was.

- "We can't be saved,"- he simply replied.

- "We can, we can, I promise. If you tell me where we are, I'll save us both."

- "Listen to me. It's not worth fighting."

Somehow, I understood why he said that. I was afraid and shaking but still did my best not to think of all the pain I was in, of the terror that haunted me day and night.

- "Tell me it doesn't make it better- he said and showed me the needle."

I couldn't say no, 'cos he was right. It did. The drugs made his horrible situation bearable. I could understand why someone decided to use something to avoid the pain. I had faced all and each one of the pain and horrors in my life sober. It was time life was a little bit sweeter, in a sick way.

I remembered being twelve. Mom had had one of her episodes the day before, she was in bed, and I woke her up. I walked into her room and opened the curtains. It was already five in the afternoon, and she still refused to get out of bed.

- "The doctor says you need to get out of bed,"- I argued when she repeated she was just resting.

- "I've been reading"

- "He says you need exercise"- she sighed and tried to make a joke.

- "That's because his idea of good literature is Our bodies, ourselves."

- "Well, he is your doctor."

- "He is a neanderthal"- I gave up and started walking out of the room. She just laid in bed and looked at me.

- "Where are you going?"

- "I'm going to see if Jeff wants to play"- Jeff was our next-door neighbor and my only friend growing up.

- "Come here. Let me read to you."

I know Garcia made fun of me when I said my mother used to read me Valentine's sonnets when I was a kid. Most people think I have a weird relationship with mom, but they don't understand what it was like growing up with her. They don't know what it was like for a twelve-year-old boy to finish high school, facing bullies. Handling the pressure of being a kid genius and the fact I had to take care of a schizophrenic mother.

How come I didn't start using drugs earlier?

I remember that afternoon I sat next to my mother, and she made me pick one of the many books she had with her on the bed. I choose Proust. I knew she loved it. I loved it as well.

"For a long time, I used to go to bed early. Sometimes, when I had put out my candle, my eyes would close so quickly that I had not even time to say, "I'm going to sleep."

I can still hear her voice, reading to me. Both of us avoided reality for a while, hiding in the books. I always do it regardless. I hide in the books to forget. I hide in knowledge to avoid acknowledging the real personal issues I have. I hide in my work saving people when no one ever saved me.

I work catching psychopaths when I know I might actually have a mental issue myself. I might end up just like mom, and it frightens me so much; there are many nights I can't even close an eye. If I get sick too, then no one will take care of her. I am the only one in her life. And she is the only one in mine.

She and (Y/N), but there is no way my best friend would ever take care of me if I got sick. Not because she wouldn't want to do it, but because I would never let her. I don't want to be a burden in her life. And she would hate me, I know. And I could never live in a world where (Y/N) hates me. Not then, not now.

(Y/N). She is the best thing that happened to me in the BAU. Yes, I had a family with my team, but she was different. She was my life. She was the reason why I smiled. She was the one person that made me feel I was important to someone. I knew the rest of my friend loved me, but I loved her.

That was it. I loved (Y/N). And I was scared I was never going to see her again.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I was standing next to Penelope. She kept trying to force me to eat. She knew I was living on coffee, but I just couldn't swallow anything. She held my hand as the two of us stared at the screens, hopefully waiting for Hankel to make contact again.

- "Any more signs of Reid?"- JJ walked over to us slowly and looked at me, afraid I might snap on her again. I just shook my head and sighed, doing my best to be nice to her.

- "He just posted the last murder online."

- "It had over 17 thousand hits in the first twenty minutes,"- Penelope added, and her voice was so full of revulsion. It was clear she couldn't handle the horror in the human mind.

- "I want to see it,"- JJ said, and I frowned, confused.

- "No, you don't,"- Garcia answered and looked at me- "Come on, munchkin, just eat one cookie, please."

- "Don't tell me what I want and don't want!"- JJ's tone shocked us both. She was severe and angry. She was rude at Penelope, and for a second, I almost snapped again.

- "If I can't watch this..."- JJ whispered and glued her eyes on the screen- "I have no business being in the field."

She looked at me when she was done talking, and for once during those awful days, I felt some kind of compassion for her. She had to be feeling like shit, no doubt, and no matter how mad I was at her, she was still my friend, and I didn't want her to suffer either.

- "JJ, it's not a competition,"- I tried to say in the softest voice possible.

- "I... I need to see it."

- "If you stop being affected by things, you lose parts of yourself, you know."

It was somehow ironic that I was the one saying those things. Me of all people in that team. Me, the one who was afraid the most of losing herself in work.

- "Show me"- she finally looked at Garcia, ignoring my words, and Penelope pleased her. She pushed play and simply said

- "I won't watch this with you."

García held my hand, walking me out of the room, leaving JJ alone in the room. She sighed and wiped the tears that started falling down her eyes.

- "I don't know how you do it either"- she whispered- "I don't know how you watch those things every day and don't go insane."

- "If it makes you feel better, I don't know how I do either, and it scared me to think my heart might be numbing with each case we solve. With every psychopath we catch."

- "We are gonna find him"- she assured me and held my hands tight- "We are bringing him home safe, I swear."

- "Let's go find Gideon,"- I said, nodding at her words- "He needs to know Tobias posted the last murder."

Jason was mad, beyond furious. He was losing it. Derek and Prentiss kept trying to crack Hankel and discover where he had taken Reid. Meanwhile, Garcia, Gideon, and I made our best to take the video of the murder from the web.

- "I have a list of everyone from the file-sharing chain. I could send out a mass warning that the video is actually a virus,"- Garcia said and started typing as fast as possible. I just stared at the screen, waiting for something, anything to happen.

But I wasn't waiting for what came next.

- "Confess your sins"- Hankel's voice made me jump, and the sight of Reid, still tied to that chair, bleeding, and being tortured, broke my heart again.

- "Confess!!"- that sick psychopath shouted and hit him.

- "I haven't done anything,"- Spencer sobbed, but it was useless. Hankel kept punching him, over and over again, even when my best friend begged for mercy.

I felt Jason hold my hand as I was holding Garcia's. The three of us felt powerless, useless, angry, and scared, all at the same time. I couldn't bear to watch Reid being tortured, but at the same time, I was so glad he was still alive.

That until Hankel beat him so hard, he pushed him back in the chair, and Reid started convulsing.

- "He is killing him,"- Penelope cried, and I closed my eyes, biting my lips. Spencer was choking, and that mother fucker just stood there, watching him die.

- "That's the devil vacating your body"- he spit those words as Reid simply passed out. I didn't know if he was dead. I didn't know if he was going to make it. Shit! I didn't know anything.

I let go of Jason and Penelope and stormed out of the room. I was unprofessional, and I knew it, but I knew I would quit if anything happened to Reid. I wasn't going to stay working at the BAU if Spencer died.

- "Are you ok?"- Derek grabbed my arm. I just broke into tears and held him tight. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry.

- "He's dying! We can't find him!!"- I sobbed against his chest.

- "(Y/N)! (Y/N)!"- I heard Penelope yelling as we all rushed back to the computer room. Hankel was giving CPR to Reid, trying to bring him back to life.

- "Come on, come on, please,"- I begged as I watched him pushing his chest over and over again until Spencer woke up, gasping for air.

- "Thank God!"- Hotch sighed and rubbed his hands against his face. The whole team let out a breath of relief simultaneously, and I kept watching Reid. His opened eyes gave me hope.

- "Wait,"- Prentiss said suddenly- "When was the video of the last murder posted?"

- "Nine thirty"- Penelope answered

- "And when was the time of death?"

- "The 911 call came in at 9:04, and the murder must have been moments later."- Hotch added and didn't even turn to look at Prentiss. We were all still shocked looking at the screen.

- "That's just a 19 minutes difference,"- I said and turned to García- "How long would it take to post that file?"

- "Two or three minutes."

- "Let's call it two,"- I said, getting excited- "You figure a maximum of 60 miles an hour in a residential area. That means Hankel has to be within a 17-mile radius of the crime scene."

For a second, I felt I was rambling facts just like Reid would. It made me miss him even more.

- "García, can we see it on the map?"- Aaron whispered. He was clearly affected, and it also made me feel selfish, knowing I had made a tantrum with the whole team, forgetting they were suffering as well.

- "Call chief Farraday"- Jason commanded as soon as we saw the map of the area on the screen- "I want that area locked down like it's martial law."

JJ stood up and grabbed her phone but didn't make the call. García warned us something was going on with Reid and all of us stared at the screen in silence.

Spencer was on his back on the floor, still tied to a chair. It was clear he wasn't fully conscious of what was happening.

- "You came back to life,"- mother fucker Hankel said, spitting the words in anger.

- "Raphael,"- Reid whispered, recognizing one of his personalities.

- "There can be only one of two reasons."

- "I was given CPR,"- my friend whispered, but it was clear that wasn't one of the psycho's options.

- "There are no accidents. How many members of our team are watching us right now?"

- "Seven."

- "The seven angels who had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. The first sounding followed hail, and they were thrown to the earth."

- "He thinks it's the revelations"- Hotch explained- "The seven archangels versus the seven angels of death."

I didn't know much about religion, but it didn't take a genius to figure out he didn't believe we were the good guys.

- "Tell me who you serve."

- "I serve you,"- Reid answered right away. His voice was a whisper. He had to be exhausted.

- "Then choose one to die"

- "What?!"

- "Your team members, choose one to die"- I knew what he was going to answer at that, and I didn't want to hear it.

- "Kill me,"- he replied immediately, and I closed my eyes, unable to watch what would happen next.

- "You said you weren't one of them."

- "I lied."

- "Your team has seven other members. Tell me who dies."

- "No"- Penelope gasped, and Prentiss cursed. I opened my eyes and nearly fainted. Hankel had a gun pointed against Reid's forehead.

The silence amongst the team was unbearable. Neither of us knew what to do. We were all panicking, praying, desperate.

- "Choose and prove you'll do God's will."

- "No."

Neither of us moved. Neither of us breathed until Hakel pulled the trigger, and no bullet came out. I nearly sigh, but it wasn't over.

- "Choose"- he repeated

- "I won't do it"- Hankel didn't even wait. He just pulled the trigger, and we all jumped at the same time. He was safe again.

- "Life is a choice."

- "No,"- Reid repeated once again. And Hankel pulled the trigger for the third time.

- "Choose"- and for the first time, Spencer made a pause. Was going to pick one of us to die?

- "I choose"- the whispered- "Aaron Hotchner."

Derek and I looked at him, and his pale face didn't move a muscle.

- "He's the classic narcissist. He thinks he's better than everyone else on the team. Genesis 23:4 "Let him not deceive himself, and trust in emptiness, vanity falseness, and futility, for these shall be his recompense."

Hotch stormed out of the room as Hankel pulled the trigger one more time and shot the wall.

I felt I was going to puke. If Reid hadn't picked one of us, he would be dead.

- "For God's will,"- the mother fuck said, as he put another bullet in the gun after removing the casing.

I couldn't look anymore. I followed Gideon and Derek to find Aaron going through all Tobias's diaries on the table.

- "I'm not a narcissist,"- he said as soon as he saw us.

- "Come on. Look, you can't think anything from that"- Jason tried to calm him down, in case he was somehow affected by what Reid had just said on camera- "He is not in his right mind, Hotch."

- "No, stop, stop. Alright, everybody, right now: what's my worst quality?"

He had to be kidding. We all stared at him, muted, lost in that conversation. What was his point? Neither of us said a word. We just looked at each other, confused and awkward.

- "Ok, I'll start. I have no sense of humor."

- "You are a bully,"- JJ added.

- "You can be a drill sergeant sometimes,"- I said, and he nodded.

- "Right."

- "You don't trust women as much as men"- you could feel it in Prentiss's voice. That one was personal.

- "Ok, good. I'm all these things, but none of you said that I ever put myself above the team because I don't, ever. Reid and I argued about the definition of classic narcissism, and he knew that I would remember that. He also quoted Genesis chapter 23, verse 4. Read it."

Hotch gave me the book. He wasn't even breathing as she spoke. He was in a hurry. We were all.

- "I'm a stranger and a sojourner with you. Give me property, forbear a place among you that I may bury my dead of my sight."

- "He wouldn't get it wrong unless it were on purpose."

- "He is in a cemetery."- I said and looked at him. He nodded, and I swear to God, I saw a slight smile on his lips. That smile was hope. We were getting closer.

Spencer's point of view

I took a sip of water. I hadn't drunk in days, and my throat burned. I was still a little lost, still a little off.

- "Tobias, is that you?"- I saw him nod, sitting next to me. He moved the cup of water closer so that I could drink some more.

- "Thank you,"- I whispered and looked at him- You saved my life- he stared down at the ground and finally whispered

- "I'm sorry."

- "Why?"

- "He'll win in the end."

It was sad to see Tobias Hankel's good person locked inside a sick mind that also held a psychopath like his father.

- "Tobias, I need to know something. It's important. Are we in a cemetery?"- and he nodded. I smiled at him and sighed, relieved. Help was coming. My team was coming.

- "I used to come here to get high."

- "I was right."

- "No one bothers you here. I never told anyone about it."

He wrapped his belt around my arm, and I turned to him, still smiling. I didn't know if I were happy I was right or glad I would get high again. Maybe both. Maybe the second 'cos the minute that needle got to my vein, that sweet, sweet release felt like a bath of joy that washed away any pain, regret, or guilt I could have ever felt.

Guilt. I've had my share of that. I remember the day I had my mom admitted to the hospital. She hadn't eaten in days. She wouldn't take care of herself, and they're just so much I could do. I wasn't able to keep her safe from herself, from her mind.

- "What are these men doing here?"- she asked me as I walked with two nurses into the study. She was writing and reading. It was all she did, preparing lectures for classes she didn't have to give, in imaginary campuses.

I stood in front of her and hesitated for a second. It was the hardest thing I had ever done, telling mom I was taking her away from her own house.

- "They are from the hospital. They are here to help,"- I whispered and looked at my mother's confused expression. She was so thin. She looked so sick. I felt so guilty I couldn't do better for her.

- "I don't need help, and you can't be here without permission, tell them, Spencer."

She looked down at her books again and tried to continue writing. I took a deep breath, I knew I would break her heart, but there was nothing else I could do.

- "I called them"- she looked at me in pain. Deep, honest pain. Like I had just shattered her heart. Which I had done.

- "Spencer"- she simply whispered and stared into my eyes, begging for an explanation. I was trying my best not to cry. I had a whole speech prepared. I was going to tell her how much I loved her. I was going to explain to her how good it was for her to be in a place where someone could continuously take care of her. I had facts and statistics, but all I managed to say was:

- "I'm doing this for you."

And I felt like a liar. 'Cos, there was a part of me that was doing it for myself too.

- "This isn't legal"- she shook her head in shock and kept trying to find a good explanation to what was going on.

- "Your son is eighteen, ma'am. He can act in your welfare,"- one of the make nurses explained to her.

- "You need help,"- I said and prayed she could understand. But she just burst into tears and begged.

- "I wanna stay here!"

- "I'm... sorry, mom."

- "Please, these are my things, this is my life..."

Those men took her. They took her from her house and put her in a hospital. No. I put her there. I put my mom in a hospital so I could live my life, 'cos I am selfish and couldn't take care of her anymore.

- "Spencer, please, don't do this to me."

Those were the words that haunted me day and night. And my mother's crying face, begging me not to take her from her own house.

What kind of a son am I? I did that to her. I put her in a mental place 'cos I couldn't deal with her disease anymore. 'Cos I didn't know how to take care of her.

- "What are you sorry for, boy?"- I heard Hankel ask when I woke up. I was muttering, "Sorry" as I came back from my trip.

- "I sent her away."

- "Who."

- "My mom. I couldn't help her."

- "Is that a confession?"- I nodded and looked around, confused. Lost. High- "You know the bible. Exodus 21:17"

- "And he that curseth his father or his mother shall surely be put to death,"- I whispered, scared and full of regret.

I heard him walk towards me. He kneeled and uncuffed me. I didn't know what was happening. Honestly, I was still too high to get what was going on around me.

- "Grab a shovel,"- he commanded and walked outside.

I was too weak to dig fast. I don't know how I was actually moving, but I was digging my own grave. I never thought I would ever end up doing such a thing. It's not something you think about, actually. Not unless you work in the BAU. Here, you start analyzing and considering the way you'll die: 'Cos you could, every day.

- "I ought to bury you alive in there, give you some time to think about what you've done,"- Hankel said and looked at me while I worked, playing with a knife.

- "I know what I've done."

- "Don't talk back to me! Dig!"

I pant and kept moving, very slowly, trying to buy myself some time too. I was sure the team was coming to get me any minute now. I was counting on them, though the more I thought about it, the less worthy of salvation I felt. Maybe I deserved to die after all.

I was almost certain I had seen some lights moving in the back. Flashlights. But it could be my mind playing tricks on me. I was too tired. And still too high, too.

- "Dig faster!"- he commanded me as I moved, losing my breath.

- "I'm not strong enough"- I cried, 'cos I felt like that. Like a failure, a child that aimed to be a grown-up and failed miserably. A bad son. The worst agent. A fake that deserved to die.

- "You are all weak!! Get out of there!"

Hankel took off his coat and left it on the ground. I slowly moved so he could dig for me, but the lights in the back took my attention, and he noticed. As soon as he turned around, I quickly grabbed his coat and reached out for the gun.

- "You've only got one bullet, son,"- he said as he looked at me. And I just pulled the trigger.

I shot him. I killed him. Hankel. Raphael. Tobias. I freed Tobias. Or at least, that is what I wanted to think.

- "Reid!!"- I heard (Y/N) yelling as I crawled to Tobia's body. He was still awake. He was himself.

- "You killed him"- he said, and he was relieved- "Do you think I'll get to see my mom again?"

- "I'm sorry,"- I whispered, and he was gone.

- "Reid!!"

(Y/N) yelled and ran over. She kneeled next to me and held me in her arms. I couldn't move, because for a few seconds, I couldn't believe she was real. She was there.

- "Honey, honey, are you ok? Can you hear me?"- she said, and tears started falling from her eyes- "Honey, it's me."

I just looked at her and hugged her. I hugged her as my life depended on it. There she was, next to me, finally.

- "I thought I was never going to see you again,"- I whispered and sobbed.

The urge to kiss her filled my whole body. I needed to taste her. I needed to show her how much I had needed her those days. But I knew I couldn't.

I didn't want to let her go. I didn't for a few minutes. I just hold onto her for my sanity. She kissed my forehead, cupping my face with both hands.

- "I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad you are ok... let's go to the ambulance, ok?"- I nodded but didn't let her go. I felt I could hold her forever. I wanted to keep her close for as long as I lived.

But the rest of the team gathered around us, and I wanted to thank them too. I needed to thank Hotch. So as soon as I let (Y/N) go, I wrapped my arms around him.

- "You alright?"- he asked me.

- "I knew you'd understand,"- I managed to say with tears falling from my eyes and a knot in my throat.

For a moment, I thought I was never going to see the team again. My family.

JJ held me close and apologized. I knew she felt guilty for leaving me alone, but I was the only one culpable for what had happened. I wanted to prove myself, and all I managed to do was prove I was a fool. A useless SSA.

- "It's alright, it wasn't your fault,"- I said and did my best to smile at her. But I know I failed. Gideon grabbed my arm and nodded.

- "Let's get you out of here."

- "Please,"- I whispered before we started walking- "Can I have a second alone?"- he looked at me and nodded, looking at Tobias' body lying by our side. He walked away, and I kneeled next to my capturer.

But instead of paying my respects, instead of cursing. Instead of anything, I took the Dilaudid bottles from his pocket and put them into mine.

And that's how the real hell started.

--

DIWK Taglist:

@all-tings-diego @big-galaxy-chaos @svveet-peas @muffin-cup @shilohpug

Spencer taglist

@calm-and-doctor

General Taglist

@spenxerslut @ash19871962

–

Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: May 5th, 2021

[punkscowardschampions]

Jac & Savannah

Jac: [screenshot of a totally acceptable amount of messages from Isabelle] Jac: 😩😩😩 Jac: She is so mentally exhausting Savannah: The girl needs more extracurricular activities Savannah: netball is just not doing enough for her Jac: Seriously Jac: what sort of uni does she think she'll get into with that lack of variety 🙄🙄 Jac: never mind how boring it'll make her seem to any potential friends or boyfriends when she gets there, IF she gets there Savannah: do you think she'll even go, when she can't get into any of our choices? Savannah: she's so not ready to cut ties with you Jac: Honestly, I don't even know Jac: like, that is SO much pressure on me Jac: she doesn't even realize that, I swear Jac: or she doesn't care 🤷 Savannah: It's like having another little sister sometimes, I don't know how you've coped with her for so long Savannah: you're an actual living saint Jac: You're the saint for saving me ❤❤❤ Savannah: Isabelle drove Amelia away with all the pressure she puts on her friendships Savannah: I had to meet you & save you Jac: She did Jac: don't get me wrong, Meels could be hard work too but at times, I'd rather be on her side Jac: it's crazy how isolated I let her get me, you don't think badly of me, do you? Savannah: 😔 do you miss her, boo? 😢 Savannah: I think badly of Is for doing that to you Jac: I don't need either of them, I've got you Jac: neither of them can compete, or like anyone else we go to school with Jac: it happened so slowly, then all at once Jac: we need to think of a way to distract her Savannah: My heart! 🥰 You're the force for everything good in my life, I swear to god Savannah: I've got you, baby girl, what we need to do is find her a man who'll stay Savannah: Let me get Ty's phone Jac: You are the only thing from this life I'm taking with me into my actual life I'm gonna have Jac: when we get out of this place and make something of ourselves Savannah: ^^^👏 Yes Jac: 🤔 Who's lowkey dumb enough Jac: dumb might be harsh but like, he's gonna have to put up with A LOT to wanna, no offense 😂 Savannah: I'm not judging, you've known her longer than I have Savannah: & she's made sure you know her better too Jac: It's so juniors of her Jac: like of all the people who don't deserve that treatment ➡ you, the sweetest angel ever Jac: the possessiveness, just because we met like first day of school, doesn't mean we've got to live and die together now Jac: especially if you're not gonna grow with me, babe Savannah: It's fine, I can be the bigger person here Savannah: we both understand that the universe was not ready to put me on the same path as you the second that school started, even if she doesn't Savannah: she doesn't date black boys which is going to wipe out half of this list, not speculating wildly like that fact is related to why we're not BFFs though 🤫 Jac: 👑❤ Jac: I'm all about who's made the most positive change in my life, not who's been in it the longest, not sorry about that Jac: only 😎 colourblind if you're light enough Jac: the levels of problematic Jac: speaking of, who's that guy, the one who was BEYOND wasted at the last party? Savannah: She's scared of change, I feel bad for her, because we all know that's her mum trying to keep her childish Savannah: OH! 🙌 Carter Savannah: You're a genius Savannah: they can be problematic together and leave the rest of us out of it Jac: When you and your mother both need to get a hobby 😏 Jac: Right, though? Jac: Would that not be perfect Savannah: honestly! Savannah: he's at EVERY party, as long as Is doesn't have too many shots too early again Savannah: 💘👼🏻 Jac: and he's a sporty guy too Jac: like I would NEVER 😷 Jac: but she's SO welcome Savannah: When you go back two or three years & his name's on literally every 🏆🏆🏆 Savannah: OH MY GOD! YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT TY'S TOLD ME THIS SECOND Jac: ?????? Savannah: I'm shouting because his parents are going away THIS weekend 🙏 it's perfect Savannah: & of course I will sacrifice the precious alone time we could've had if it means you get some away from her Jac: 🌌🪐☄️☀️ timing Jac: you don't mind? ❤ Savannah: I don't know why he's only telling me now when there's no way he found out a second ago himself but I couldn't love him more for helping us make this happen so he's forgiven Savannah: it's fate baby, how could I mind? Good things happen every time I trust in that Savannah: She'll let you dress her, won't she? Jac: That's men for you Jac: can't say useless when they clearly have some but 🤭 bless Jac: If I commit to a shopping trip Jac: she keeps asking Jac: it'll be tiresome but worth it in the long run Savannah: He does not appreciate the recovery time on a wax when your skin is as sensitive as mine is, but that's a venting session for another day 🙄 Savannah: I'll obviously come with, unless you think that'll make it worse Jac: 🙄 How are more boys not genius level intelligent Jac: the amount of time they don't have to spend worrying about the things we do, and they're out here putting it to waste Jac: we would never, could never 💅 Jac: Of course I want you to come Jac: but we know she'll be in a better mood to party if I give her my undivided attention 🙄 Savannah: SO true Savannah: I'll give him mine then, make sure he's also in the mood to party Savannah: I can't handle a sulk, he looks too adorable, it makes me die Jac: 🙏 we need your free, boy Jac: get on board or I swear, I'm gonna lose it with her fully 😵😤😰 Savannah: we can lose her in his parents' sauna, hang in there 👼🏻 Jac: if we can make use before because I won't be getting in there after them 😷🤢 Savannah: You have to come over early anyway because my hair is a law onto itself right now & I will have a breakdown if Ty tells me to be natural one more time Savannah: can you not 👮 me, boy Savannah: I need to look beautiful for myself as well as you Jac: Self-love is so much more important Jac: I got you Savannah: if you don't see us at this party it's because we're arguing Savannah: I can feel it coming Jac: 😬 Jac: You know I'll cover for you, goes without saying Jac: is he like, under some kind of extra pressure rn, like what's his deal? Savannah: he insists he's not but he wouldn't ever normally jump down my throat for asking Savannah: so, like, you don't have to be a wannabe psychology student to realise there's something Jac: I think boys will remain a mystery, even when we get our PhDs Jac: A party will make him feel better Jac: it's clearly not about you though, you're the perfect girlfriend Savannah: I could cry Savannah: maybe I should just go home Jac: Honey Jac: Tell me where you need me to be Savannah: [a very them location] Jac: I'm there, babe ❤ Jac: Is there anything you need beside a listening ear and shoulder to cry on, obviously Savannah: take my phone when you get here so I don't contact him until I'm less of a wreck Jac: Duh Jac: nothing but totally composed, fully logical, 🧠 led texts only Jac: you are so NOT that girl Savannah: I don't want to be but I've got that child of divorce neediness now Savannah: I can't even blame him, I would NOT date me Jac: Don't even Jac: You are incredible Jac: a force of nature Jac: he's lucky to have you Savannah: You know how much I love you, right? Savannah: it's off any scale Jac: Of course, it's exactly how much I love you Jac: 👭🔥 Savannah: I swear to god, if we get Isabelle a man & I end up single, I will have to run away though Jac: No way Jac: he knows his luck, for his sins Savannah: I've given him way too much power to hurt me with by loving him as much as I do Savannah: I'm so lucky I also have you Savannah: & you would never Jac: It's all about trust Jac: and it's rare that you find anyone you can fully give your trust too in your life Jac: never mind multiple people Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: my parents didn't have it & they were together for like two decades Jac: It's sad Jac: so many people do and will settle for less Jac: I can't imagine how, honestly Savannah: you're on a different level to everyone else I've ever met Savannah: the word settle doesn't exist for you Jac: but you have to remember, you're on that level too Jac: I won't let you forget Jac: or settle Savannah: I'm scared that I've put all this energy into the wrong things Jac: You said it best, the universe knows what it's doing Jac: what you're ready for and what you're not, put your trust in it Jac: if this is meant to be more, it will be, if it's meant to be a teaching moment to make you an even better person, then it will be Savannah: you're BEYOND right Savannah: & you can never leave me, even if he does Jac: I never will Jac: I KNOW we're meant to be Savannah: Me too Savannah: my dad has shaken my faith in literally everything else but not us Jac: We're different Jac: we've known each other forever, I think Jac: countless past lives, and we're gonna keep knowing each other Jac: we're meant to do something big together, I can feel it Savannah: I feel too connected to you for that not to be true Jac: It is Jac: Whatever else, you can count on that, forever Savannah: you've made everything better Savannah: in this moment and all the rest Jac: That's what I'm here for Savannah: I'm supposed to also be here for you & I haven't asked how you are Savannah: SO selfish Savannah: Am I turning into Isabelle? Jac: your hair is not THAT wrecked, please 😏 Savannah: 😄 Savannah: I'm never getting it THAT flat Jac: Bless her Jac: if she'd lay off the highlights Savannah: we need to sit her down for a deep condition Jac: We could invite her to pre party prep... 🤔 Savannah: every day beforehand 😄 Jac: She's gonna need it Jac: ideally we'd have longer to do a full detox but you know Savannah: Even Ty agrees that we've got our hands full Savannah: he says Carter's too old for her 🤭 Jac: We all agree she could do with growing up a bit Jac: not that he isn't as immature 🙄 Jac: perfect couple 🚨 Savannah: when you went out with Eli he didn't say a word & he was the same age 💅 Jac: It's all down to her mum Jac: she's coddled her to the degree Is just gives off this PROTECT ME vibe Jac: Ty don't even know why Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: he thought she was a virgin still, it was so cute, baby boy no Jac: If everyone knew her how we do 👀🍵 Savannah: Enough about Is, who are you bringing & what are you wearing? Jac: [sends outfit options] Jac: 'cos lord knows all my attention will HAVE to go on her outfit when we go on this shopping trip Savannah: Oh you just have to go with the first one! I'm in LOVE Savannah: not even looking at the others, sorry Jac: 🤭🥰 that's decided then Jac: who I want to bring or if, is another question entirely Savannah: What about Cillian? I obviously don't mean the one in our year 🚫🚫🚫 Jac: He has potential Jac: did he go out with Sammy in our year though? Savannah: She asked him & he politely declined Jac: 😏 That makes him more promising Savannah: he doesn't date girls that aren't in his own year but I know he'd reconsider if you wanted him to Jac: you have the best ideas Savannah: He noticed when you got that mention in assembly, that was all you 🧠✨ Jac: At least he should be able to hold a conversation too then Savannah: I've heard him debate, he's really impressive Jac: Are you sure you don't wanna ask him, boo? 🤫🤭 Savannah: 😳 Jac: You totally like him Savannah: I can look & sometimes I do, don't judge me Jac: No judgment here Jac: it sounds like you have lots in common Savannah: We've attended a few of the same university lectures Jac: and he's cute Jac: I won't ask him Savannah: nothing's ever going to happen between me & him, so you should, if you think he's cute Jac: you can't say never Jac: who knows what the universe has in store for your future Savannah: Do you think Ty's going to end it? Jac: Of course not Jac: I don't think Ty will get into Uni Jac: you know it'll be different, especially when you get into your first choice and have to move away Savannah: His parents want him to stay here & he hasn't said he won't Jac: It takes a certain kind of man to follow 'round a girl Jac: and honestly, 'cos you know I'm always going to tell you how it is, because I care about you, okay? Jac: is that the sort of man you want, anyway Jac: what is his plan, after school Savannah: He doesn't believe in committing to a long term plan, besides us staying together, of course Savannah: you know I used to love that about him, because it's like he's the missing, more relaxed part of me Savannah: but lately the differences feel exhausting Jac: And that's now Jac: when you live in the same town, and see each other at least 5 days of the week without needing to do anything, put any effort in Jac: I just worry that the commitment-phobe is gonna jump out when it isn't that easy for him Savannah: oh god Jac: I could be wrong Jac: but I never want to keep anything from you Jac: even if it's hard to hear Savannah: Nobody knows me better than you Savannah: or has seen more of us as a couple Savannah: you're saying it because it needs to be said Jac: 😔 Jac: I am Jac: the last thing you need is to be blindsided by it Savannah: I can't go through that kind of heartbreak again, me & my dad still aren't talking Jac: You've had to be strong enough already Jac: like, he needs to think about what he wants, be clear with his intentions, you deserve that Jac: even if he isn't about making plans for himself, you can't live your life beholden to his lack of, it's not fair Savannah: This isn't a discussion I can have with him in [wherever they are] Savannah: 😢 Jac: Of course not Jac: your response would be beyond emotional Jac: you need to collect your thoughts first Savannah: Can I stay with you? Home is totally chaotic & I obviously can't stay at his Jac: You don't even need to ask Jac: there's always a place for you at mine Savannah: Thank you Jac: Jude isn't here and I can always make Jameson leave too Jac: not that they'll bother us Jac: total calm is needed Savannah: until Is decides she needs something Jac: 📴 Jac: she'll have to cope without me for five minutes Jac: you're so more important than any of her faux drama could ever be Savannah: It's going to be so embarrassing to have to share any of this with her Savannah: I can't Jac: You don't have to Jac: it's none of her business Jac: and you don't know yet, Ty might prove himself Savannah: what would I do without you? Jac: That's one question you don't need to worry about ❤ Savannah: We can still have the party, I'm not trying to ruin your life or that plan Jac: Oh, I don't care about that Jac: I just want you to feel better Jac: we can think about that later Savannah: I want the same for you though Savannah: I care that she's raising your stress levels daily Jac: I'll feel better when you do, I swear Savannah: this is going to make me sound awful but I think we have to still have the party because if we don't, he'll want to spend time with me anyway Savannah: & I'd rather have you there until I know what to do Jac: No, that's totally fair Jac: I'm more than down to go ahead Jac: project management will be a great distraction at any rate, and we can spend our Isabelle free hours actually talking about your plan going forward Savannah: I just can't lead him on by pretending everything's normal when it's not, you know? Jac: No, you don't want to lie Jac: that's not going to help anyone, and you owe it to yourself as well as him to remain as honest as you always are Savannah: I'm so glad you understand Jac: Always Savannah: I love him so much & I want him to be happy Savannah: but I can't sacrifice the future I have planned, I'd end up resenting him & it would eventually fall apart however hard I try Jac: Exactly Jac: it's about the people you're going to be, as well as the people you are now Jac: sometimes you have to harm to help, that's just facts Savannah: ^^^ Savannah: I'd have to stop growing & I'm not going to do that Jac: And you aren't saying he isn't going to grow too Jac: but you might need to acknowledge you aren't growing in the same directions Savannah: it hurts my heart that he could be growing away from me but it'll hurt us both more if I refuse to see it Savannah: we could get married & have babies, then we're a variation on who my parents are Savannah: my dad is a black male stereotype & he's made me a statistic, that's bad enough Jac: I get it, both my granddad's are the worst, actually Jac: they may as well not exist, honestly Jac: You're way too smart and wonderful to get stuck into that cycle Savannah: A bare minimum of what I want for my life is to break it Jac: ^^ Jac: Me too Jac: God knows it is overdue Savannah: I wish we had Is' privilege but that isn't who we are Jac: I could shake her Jac: she has no idea how easy she has it Savannah: 👏

[harrysdimples]

sooo...it’s the legend @btapants’ birthday and me and my main partner in crime daria @britneytshirt both came up with this idea and whipped up a lil somethin somethin for celine to read! we just want you to know how loved you are celine and how you influence us all to be better people! we all love you and had a few things to say :)

@bidonnas (aka mik):  i followed celine like ages ago bc i was looking for more harries to follow and she seemed so sweet and, like, a Quality™ blog and we've been mutuals for ages as well and we like sent each other asks for like ask games and tagged each other in tag games but we didn't start talking more until the first gc in like march of this year and i do not regret a single thing of entering that gc bc i got to meet my birlfriend, now my bife. we've just gotten closer over the past 6 months of being in so many different groupchats with each other and i love everything about her. she's funny, she's kind and sweet, and she loves mamma mia. i mean, who could ask for more?? fjdkgksdljkfg celine deserves the whole world and all the love in the world and i love her so so so much!!!!

@guccifloralsuits (aka violet):  Celine, you already know it but literally love you tons, you make my experience as a harrie stan so much brighter :) I'll always remember the #funkirk days and times we've been throught - from the discourse days to the crazy concerts & I can't wait to see what this next year for you & us brings! You're so easy to talk to and fun to share this experience with! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALL MY LOVE TO YOU 💖

@annaonvinyl (aka essie): Celine, Celine... I believe we've been mutuals not for that long and i do remember checking my notifications and seeing that she followed me i kid you not when i say i nearly had a moment because i would constantly see her posts and people talking so nicely about her. i can now understand why people kept saying sweet things about Celine, i mean she's amazing! if you aren't following her please do me a favour, go to her blog and press that follow, just... do it. celine is so sweet and funny, her blog is the perfect mix of aesthetic and relatable and not to mention she's so freaking stunning? i mean... have you seen her? model material, i'm telling you. so in conclusion what i want to say is celine is gorgeous and so nice and i love her! tanti auguri bella! spero che tu abbia un bel anno davanti a te e tutto il meglio vada per te! goditi la giornata e sorridi molto (scusa il mio italiano arrugginito)

@signofthebis (aka petra): Happy birthday, Celine! ❤❤❤ You know why I followed you. Because of the tags you wrote under my bta pants gifset. And I knew in that moment... this is a person that gets it and I need her in my life. And then I was lucky enough to get into the biconic gc you started and I got to get to know you and wow? You're amazing. You're so funny and incredible and just... I stan forever??? You're truly a queen. ❤❤❤❤ One day your selfies are gonna kill me because you're that gorgeous. And honestly? What a way to go. So Celine, I hope you're having a wonderful day and may your life be filled with only the best of luck, may it be full of love and kindness because that's what you're giving to us and you deserve the same it in return. Ily ❤

@flowerfeasts (aka dani): I followed celine like a year ago because i used to see all my faves tagging her on my dash, so i thought she was very important and cool and i remember waiting like a few weeks to follow her cause i somehow thought that would increase the chances of her following me back? lmao anyway, i still think she is very cool and i LOVE her fashion sense and she is a libra! that means she is awesome

@harryandcats (aka lejla): CELINE MY ANGELBOO!!!! I’m sooo bad with words and tbh?? there’s not enough words to describe how much u mean to me anyway smh you’re one of the sweetest, funniest and smartest (let’s just not mention your posts and the things you say something BDJDNDNDB) and loveliest people I know!! you’re also so silly sometimes but in a very cute and endearing way bdndn I could talk to you about literally anything, be it something deep or something random like poptarts bxjdndn speaking of poptarts we truly gotta meet someday and you’ll have to buy me lots of things and in return you’ll get the biggest hug of your life!!!! sounds like a plan if you ask me anYWAY I lov u with my whole heart, you’re my love, my life, my wife, my gf, my bitch, my boo, but most importantly: my dumbass ✌🏻😔 I hope you have the loveliest day!!!! Happy Birthday, Celine!! 💗🌈💕

@harrysnotechanges (aka kristyna):  Celine 💕💕 you are so funny and such a kind and generous person (not to mention gorgeous, ugh it’s not fair). I’m pretty sure I first started following you because of your url (I mean how much more iconic could you get,,, and I couldn’t agree more, the bta pants were the best pants Harry has ever worn tbh) and I stayed because you’re just an amazing human being. Ily 💕💕💕 Happy birthday!

@gettingdizzy (aka sav): I LOVE CELINE she is super kind and funny and like a little sister to me!! talking to her always makes my day better :) im not even sure why i started following her we probably got put in a gc together or something but im so glad i did!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ILY

@nofoookingway (aka jess): Oh boy, lil Celine. The cutest bean I’ve ever seen. I know we don’t speak anymore bc I’m trash and got too overdramatic about a stupid lil thing, but I’m so glad that we still follow each other and I see you on my dash every day. Your posts never go without a typo, even if it’s just the tags, and that’s probably my favorite thing about you. You’re so expressive and so weird in the best of ways. I’m pretty sure you’re starting uni (if you’re not smack me), but I know you’re going to kill it. It’s hard af, and it’s gonna suck. You’re gonna hate it sometimes, but believe me when I say I know you can do it and that you will have a blast once you find your niche. If I can do it, you sure as hell can. I wholeheartedly believe that. Anyways, I hope your birthday is just as fun and amazing as you are. ilysm 💛💛

@leesh (aka leesh lol): HAPPY BIRTHDAY CELINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope u have the absolute best birthday ever bc it’s what she deserves and i hope harry makes an appearance again looking absolutely fabulous bc it’s also what she deserves (maybe wearing the bta pants? yes i’m putting it into existence!!!!). i honestly can’t rmbr how or why i started following you, maybe it was a gc or maybe i just liked ur blog, i have a terrible memory, but i am SO GLAD whatever the reason I DID. i love seeing ur posts on my dash and i love seeing what you’ve got to say and i also love talking to u in gc’s and stuff. ur a cool gal and i’m glad we had a chance to become mutuals and pals. again i hope u have the best way day ever and get spoilt rotten. i love u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💖✨

@kiwiintro (aka kayla):  Happy Birthday Celine Bean! I hope it's amazing I love u and you're so iconic and amazing and ur an actual Meme™️ sometimes anyways again I hope your birthday is amazing and have fun being 1(one) year older ❤

@harryftvans (aka teresa): celine my dearest witch princess and gentle air spirit happiest of birthday wishes to you!!! someone’s getting old lol anyway I wish u all the best and hope you have a great day and that a lot of other great days will follow because u only deserve happiness and love and ~good vibes~ in your life!! stay ur amazing self, you’re always so chill and laid back (which is nice in this hectic world gksndn) and even when you pull a zayn on us at the end of the day you’re always there for us, being supportive and it’s always a delight to talk to you and hear stories from you!!! great britain is blessed to have you for the next couple of months/years (hope u have a nice time at uni I believe in u) so yea enjoy your day hope it’s filled with lots of love and hugs!! i’m glad you’ve been brought into the world and i’m glad we were out in the same group chat I couldn’t imagine my days without u, love you v much💕

@pinkflaredpants (aka iris): No offence but it's been a whole ass year since we first heard medicine and still no fuckin studio version of sott.

@britneytshirt (aka daria): celine, remember the day we became mutuals? it’s definitely been a year(+) now, can you believe it’s been that long? i followed u not really expecting to be followed back and u followed me about .02 seconds later and honestly i was a lil shocked. so i put my insecurities aside and decided to text u and u said u just saw my url and liked it and followed me. like?! *harry voice* craziness right? anyway, i like to think of u as a little present from life. when we started talking i was very lonely and literally cried myself to sleep every other night and having a friend, you, to talk to made me realise nothing is ever that bad and in a way... gave me hope? you mean so much to me. you’re always fun to talk to, u always have the funniest things to say. and most importantly, i know i can always count on u for whatever, you’ll be there to listen to me. so thank u. i’m so grateful i have a celine in my life. i love u

me (aka moi): so....celine, where do I even start? from those very first few months when I joined this fandom in september last year we were close friends. we started our first conversation about old 1d memes and the rest is history. I don’t think there’s been a time in the last year or so where I haven’t spoken to you, and I really couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. I look forward every day to chatting with you in the gc and i’m always just in awe of how accepting, loving, caring and truly inspiring you are as a person. I love hearing you speak italian in the rare voice messages you send, and especially your selfies (I will hold the belief that you should be a model to the grave I think tbh). you inspired me to love myself for who i am and we’ve grown as friends into something I never thought i’d reach. i’m never going to be able to fully articulate the weight you hold in my life or the impact you’ve had on me, and i’m bad at expressing my feelings anyway, but I just wanted you to know how LOVED you are, by me, and from everyone here. I can’t wait to eventually meet you once you’re settled over here and I can’t wait for the memories and shows we’ll make in the future. thank you for being you, and please never stop being your amazing self 💕

[srahpaulsons]

[text]: Isn't it a great thing? Ahhh have you?! That makes me so happy! Oh, so that'a what I tasted on NYE? Kidding, kidding. Unless you're pouring tequila on your cheek – which hey, I wouldn't hold it against you for having a tequila shower – that definitely wasn't it. Have you ever had a smoked tequila old fashioned? You would looooove it! Destined to be besties! I love it! Yeah, I met them recently and oh my. They're the sweetest, coolest little girls I've ever met. Haha, well I don't know about obsessed but they didn't tell me to go kick rocks so that's a good thing! I'm excited to get to know them for myself. Yes, let's do it! We're starting at season one, right? I need a debrief on who everyone is ahead of time otherwise I'll get confused. Don't worry, you're second on my drunk text list because I know you won't judge me, and you'll also hype me up. You might even be drunk contemplating the meaning of life with me! You do! You're so wise! None of the above. You're a goddess and none of us are worthy of being in your presence, so thank you for blessing us. HAHAHAHA no, no, no! Stop acting like you're ancient when you're honestly in your best season of life. Considering she has to gush over you, she doesn't count! Oh no, is that one of those banned list words. I can come up with a new one. Fawn, perhaps? Oh, I most certainly am. President of the Fawning Fan Club.

[ t e x t ] I like to savour the taste by adding little droplets on my cheek, neck ect. you know, so everyone can enjoy the taste & clearly it worked. Is it bad that i find the thought of a tequila shower appealing ?? You're reading my mind here, lady. I've been a fan previously but that love rekindled during my stay in cabo, and if this isn't indicator that you and i need to become tequila taste testers then i don't know what will but i think i can easily say you're a woman who knows her stuff, such a pro 😉 considering it's quite easy to become obsessed with you, i have a teeny tiny inkling that those girls will quickly grasp onto that if they've yet to already !! If you're in it for the long run, i say we start at the very beginning. I'll give you a mini presentation of all the greatest moments in between, but you'll pretty much know who's who and their drama by at least episode two,. we're gonna get you invested so you we one day end up getting to be "guest housewives" Jo, that's a promise. Lady, you best believe i'm gonna want all the drunk contemplating life texts, cause i'll be opening up a whole bottle of wine for a conversation like that and talking about the meaning of dreams until my brain hurts. "wise" is a very loose term here, but i'll take it. I'm honoured to be the hype woman of the most gorgeous and brilliant soul out there !! and ummm obviously you're mine ❤️ gonna just tell myself that i'm in my best prime whenever my back's acting up 😅 sometimes i wonder !! fawn !! alright we're back on track here, i'm imagining a doed eyed figure, like bambi.

[eorumverba]

Hi u should legit answer all 1 through 25 cause I'm curious af oR DOES THAT TAKE THE FUN OUT OF IT

KHJKHJGHJ linsten……i love u

1. What is the longest you’ve spent on a completed story?my sbb fic last year took maybe…two months? so probably that,,there are probably fics that i haven’t finished yet that have definitely gone on longer than that though

2. What is the shortest you’ve spent on a completed story? (drabbles count) hjkghj maybe half an hour? but that’s just drabbles;;; fics that are as long as pet au installments usually take an hour or two tho

3. Do you have a story you never published although you were tempted to?answered

4. Do you have a published story you were tempted to take down but didn’t?all of them tbh??? i usually like my fics as soon as they’re put up but the next day……………i hate it

5. Do you have unpublished stories you never meant to publish?i have some that i initially wanted to publish that will never be finished,,,,idk if that’s the same thing though

6. Have you taken published stories down?nope hkjhgj mostly because note count and comments;;;

7. Ever got flamed?jhkghjhgj Yes……………………..we’re not bringing that up tho….

8. Ever received extensive and helpful feedback on your writing?yes kjhhjg i love feedback and criticism;;; even harsh criticism is fine with me if it helps me get better

9. Ever received unprompted comments on a fic of someone you admire?kjhhjJGH y e s every time @katrinawritesthings rbs or comments or messages me about fic i still get really flustered;;; i love her and her writing so much g o d

10. Ever received unprompted comments on a fic of someone you hate? there is literally only One person i hate and Yes they’ve commented on a fic………but Anyway,

11. Ever gotten a fanart on a fic?lisnten @pissedchicken draws my fic sometimes and im Blessed each time…i love her art so much

12. Ever gotten another fanwork on a fic? (e.g. cosplay, moodboard, fic translation)no but Eyes Emoji………………blease

13. What’s the most useful comment you’ve ever gotten on a fic?answered

14. What’s the sweetest comment you’ve ever gotten on a fic?people’s tags;;; people tagging cute things always makes me really happy and Yes this might seem like a copout but it’s True…..although @taeminuet @shawolparadox and @colorsofshiningstars have left really sweet tags recently;;;; but chances are if you like or rb me often i remember your url

15. Do you have a fic with more comments than likes/kudos?False…..what are comments…………………….never heard of them

16. Ever gifted a fic unprompted?for people i care about i write fic for their birthdays kjhhjg i like making them happy;; or if someone i’m close to is having a bad day i’ll write something for them

17. Ever received a gift fic unprompted?i’ve had stuff written for my birthday before and @taeminuet writes for me a lot but that’s because i whine at her until she does

18. Ever wrote a self-insert fic? Or another entirely self-indulgent trope?no but i Do put a lot of myself and my friends into my fic hkjghj like this one…..jong was me telling my gf about my crush and tae was how my partners teased me hkjhjgh

19. Ever wrote something just to capture the attention of your readers?not that i know of;; usually if i write something Emotional it’s just how i’m feeling at the time;; like this was??? during a really nice conversation with my crush and i just……..Had to

20. Ever took a prompt you regretted taking?answered

21. Ever ventured too far out of your comfort-zone with the intention to improve your writing?asphodel is Very much outside my comfort zone (if it weren’t for @taeminuet i wouldn’t have written it tbh) and so is our still untitled new project

22. Ever went back to change plot points of a story already published?only if it’s part of an already established au, yeah

23. Ever rewrote a whole story?i’ve thought about it…………….

24. Do you have a beta?/How many betas have you had?i don’t have A Beta but i would easily ask @jjongeyed or @taeminuet because they’re people i respect and am also comfortable with like that,,,i like to try new things so i bounce around with betas so i’ve had maybe 20 or so?

25. Ever beta’d a fic for someone?/Have you been someone’s beta actively?yes but not really actively,,mostly just for my friends when they ask. but if someone asked me to i definitely would,,i like betaing tbh