#It's not a huge issue but at the same time it's extremely limiting

[ringchollyandfriends]

You'd think that potty training a dog is easy and step 1 in owning a dog but I'm still struggling so much with teaching Elliot not to mark.

It'd be great if his neuter helped, but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.

I need the help of a trainer so bad, but I can't afford to.

[sidsinning]

Apothecary Diaries is pog as fuck bc serious political issues and dynamics from a woman's POV are rarely depicted in ANY form of media

It's always a man's world where women's issues surround him. Even if we get a female perspective once in awhile- it all comes back to how it facilitates his game in the end. She's a footnote in the overarching scheme of things. Misogyny exists. Back to the real plot.

Apothecary Diaries is strictly from a female perspective and how each class of woman has to act, what limits they have, what rights they have and don't have between each class, etc. These women have to behave a certain way under a patriarchy, which you would think makes it a man's story, but it never is. The women are THE focus of this show, their struggles are THE plot. The focus is about how the patriarch effects them.

Take the concubines for example. The show dives into how bearing a child affects their rank, how traumatizing it is to lose that child, the consequences of that, etc. We have barely seen the emperor who sired all these kids because this is not about him.

Jinshi's personal plot is secondary to Mao Mao's journey- he is mostly there to provide new cases for Mao Mao to solve and to learn more about the shortcomings of his class when taking care of citizens like Mao Mao.

Jinshi is not a bad person, but by virtue of his position in the higher classes, he cannot understand how harsh life as a poor WOMAN is specifically- he can only catch glimpses of it from what Mao Mao tells him and feel outrage but powerless in his wealth and luxury

Mao Mao is a fortunate commoner woman for what privileges someone in her class should and shouldn't have. She happened to be adopted by a knowledgeable man. She is allowed to read, write, learn, and has enough skill to be a poison tester and have a job EXTREMELY out of her class limit as an apothecary, also a job not traditionally meant for women

Mao Mao is not a "noT lIkE oThER gIrLs" protagonist, she is FOR THE GIRLIES. She only wants to help the women around her, and women are whom she has the closest relationships to. She sees a woman being harassed and can't let it stand. She sees a frail, traumatized woman dying from the recklessness of those who should be caring for her and spends day and night nursing her back to health, while also punishing the people who were so careless with her needs.

My girl has STUDIED UP on THE BODY to TEACH these upper class ladies on how to really HEAT things up in the BEDROOM

Sex depicted in Apothecary Diaries is both something women are not shamed to be enjoying, while at the same time being acknowledged as an unfortunately huge economic necessity to market themselves.

Like shit is just so real in this series???

Listen, I can go on and on about how GOATED the series and especially Mao Mao is but you get the picture

[autistichalsin]

What are some of Halsin's flaws, in your opinion?

Halsin's flaws, personality and others, major and minor (note that some of these are a bit circumstantial):

-He can't control his baser/animal instincts, which comes out in his wildshape issues. This corresponds with bloodlust in his animal form.

-He isn't suited for Druidic leadership, as shown at the Grove, which led to disastrous consequences.

-By his own admission, he focuses too hard on the tasks important to him and lets other ones fall by the wayside.

-Due to the above, he struggles tremendously with balancing conflicting obligations; he didn't bother much with the Grove when he was trying to solve the Shadow Curse, abandoned the Grove when the player showed up (though of course that was also due to his trauma and hatred of the Archdruid role), and if romanced to Karlach, is one of the only ones who refuses to go to Avernus with her, feeling that he and he alone can start the commune for the children and their needs are greater than hers.

-He has a self-sacrificial view about what being "good" is, and feels that he has to be unhappy if he's helping; he let himself suffer as Archdruid for 100 years rather than find someone else to take the role, and in the ending, he tries to break up with a romanced player to start his commune both because of his possible abandonment issues and because he doesn't see room for his own happiness when he's trying to help people.

-As I just mentioned, he does have abandonment issues to a degree; if the player dumps him in the ending, he says he knows nothing lasts forever. If the player suggests the party go their separate ways immediately after the battle, he says it was always destined to be so, but it stings nonetheless. He is shocked when the player comes to rescue him from Orin if taken.

-While he is an extremely kind and forgiving person, he has limits, and once those have been crossed, he gets very vengeful (I.E. everyone involved in his captivity with the goblins, or saying he'd like to "do the same" to whoever killed and stuffed a young bear for decoration in one shop in Baldur's Gate).

-He misreads social cues fairly often.

-He seems better able to assert his boundaries to strangers than to his friends and loved ones, I.E., not having much of a negative reaction to a Lolthsworn Drow threatening to sell him back into slavery.

-Because nature is his way of understanding the world, he struggles to understand things through any other lens. He has little interest in other things that can't be considered part of either nature or his Druidic duties.

-He takes things very literally at times, I.E. the phrase "you can say that again."

-He doesn't bother trying to hide when he doesn't like someone (I.E. if the player has incredibly low approval with him).

-He can sometimes be insensitive on accident, such as saying "imagine the horrors" when they're in a tadpoling facility, to Wyll in particular, though he does apologize right away when called on it.

-He is slow to true anger, but sometimes quick to annoyance, at least where strangers are concerned. (This is more so the case if they question him).

-He infamously doesn't trust Drow, and while this is justified in the case of Lolth-sworn Drow, he is initially mistrustful of the player if they are a Seldarine Drow too (though later he shows far more trust of Seldarine than Lolth Drow).

-His objections to some of the evil things encountered in the game are their unnaturalness more than their evilness, fitting with the Druidic belief that evil is as much a part of the world as good. He is more upset at how unnatural the tadpoles are than anything, at least at first, and if the Dark Urge shows off the Slayer form in front of him, he says it's "most unnatural. Most foul," and says that it only serves death/murder. (It's how unnatural and unbalanced it is that it bothers him more than the form being a giant monster, basically.)

-He has a huge case of hero worship to the player, which is why he falls in love with them almost immediately after they break the Shadow Curse, and has feelings for them even sooner than that.

-He despises turnips.

[universalmofo]

okay i finished heroes of olympus a couple days ago and here are some of my thoughts :

-nico should’ve been a part of the seven. he was essential to the success of the quest in numerous capacities and one of the big three’s kids. it made NO sense to me that he wasn’t one of the seven. (on that note, i think it did make sense that thalia wasn’t one of the seven. she has been with the hunters for some time and she was presumed a tree for like a long time.)

-grover could’ve very very easily taken coach hedges part in hoo. grover was already out looking for percy, so if he was already looking for percy and if annabeth found out that a “clue” to where percy was, was at the wilderness school grover would’ve jumped at the opportunity to go and try and figure out what was going on at the school by acting as a student again. he would’ve been back at camp by the end of the lost hero and he would have, what, 6 (?) months to go spread a warning to the wilderness about gaia and get things in order before they took off on the argo ii. and he could’ve been trying to communicate with percy via empathy link the ENTIRE time he was doing other stuff.

-it was just lazy of rick to write out grover tbh. and even tyson who came all the way across the country for percy. only for them to have extremely limited amount of time spent together (which makes sense, but this would’ve been HUGE for percy).

-it has been stated over and over and over again that quests should only be taken on by three. this quest was the biggest task they had ever faced, with far too much at stake. therefore, the prophecy of the seven should’ve been a utter tragedy ( one could even say a modern greek tragedy ) where they all accepted that four of them would Not be finishing this quest alive. that they were all willing to give themselves up for the greater good.

which four should’ve lived, i think percy, nico, annabeth and leo. (this pickings are biased and based on the idea that nico should’ve been included in the seven prophecy, if nico is not included then frank or hazel could take his place, but also these choices are based on their importance to the quest and their strength/ability)

- there was no need for there to be so many couples in the group of seven. it caused a huge lack in my opinion of actual friendship development.

there was very little actual friendship development/ vibes even in the lost hero when piper and leo HAVE been friends for MONTHS??? also this continues to be an issue in the rest of the books where piper and jason literally leave leo out or there is a comment along the lines of “he knew to give them their space”.

rick constantly threw in comments about how hazel and piper had become closer, or piper and annabeth had become “best friends” while not actually showing that. same thing with the boys. the only example i can think of where there was some real development was that conversation leo and frank had when they were at the bottom of the ocean.

they never had moments of them all sitting and talking besides about strategy.

- and on THAT note piper and jason never should’ve started dating. it was forced. it just seemed like the thing they should do after hera forced these memories in pipers head. quite frankly, it was a huge missed opportunity for a storyline in which leo and piper had been dating and hera shoved jason in between those memories and leo piper and jason are all SUPER pissed about that, or a storyline about how jason and piper try to figure out if there’s something there the entirety of the lost hero but the reason it just doesn’t feel right to jason becomes more obvious to him as he slowly develops a crush on leo.

there were just a LOT more interesting ways to go about that trio and none of them happened which made that entire dynamic fall flat for me and i think a lot of people.

which makes sense why frank leo and hazel worked SO much better and were believably close and connected. (even if frank and hazel were mainly the audience being told they like one another and not shown)

-percy was slightly off throughout the books. i believe even rick admitted he had a hard time writing percy in these books since he hadn’t for a while.

-did we ever find out why leo and piper were totally fine out in the world even tho they were 15??? i don’t remember this being explained??

-i distinctly remember jason getting some memories back and remembering frank and hazel as his friends AND hazel or frank discussing jason as a friend in son but then in house of hades or maybe mark of athena or blood of olympus (i can’t remember), hazel thinks to herself that she was still not sure what to think of jason? like she couldn’t tell what was going on underneath the surface? as if they hadn’t been friends or ever met before the quest?

-nico and percy are friends at the end of the day. percy is on some level protective over nico and nico is connected to percy / cares about him even if he doesn’t have a crush on him. they have a very interesting dynamic but at the end of the day, if percy went missing for MONTHS, nico would’ve been looking for him. and he most definitely would’ve not just pretended to entirely not know him when he came to camp jupiter??? especially when percy asked if he knew nico. that was SO weird to me. i was expecting them to have a conversation, even if nico gave him very brief and vague info.

on that train of thought, percy WOULD NEVER doubt the idea of rescuing nico??? his fatal flaw is LOYALTY. no matter how pissed he was at nico he would never question if they should even save nico. even if NOT for nico, it was kinda established that percy felt like an older brother to hazel (even tho this dynamic was never again touched on or seen), which again, he is loyal to those he cares about so he would be willing to do it, if not for nico, then for sure for hazel.

-percy never says i love you or i love you back to annabeth until blood of olympus. which is CRAZY and sooo not percy in my opinion.

-why the hell were mark of athena and house of hades the hardest parts of the entire quest ??? fighting gaia should’ve taken up the the majority or better yet, the ENTIRETY of boo, similarly to the last olympian.

i think this came down to a poorly paced series. rick could’ve broken his formula in tlh and son and moved the stories along faster. have the annabeth reunion in son or make the books longer.

- leo and nico would’ve been an interesting dynamic and quite frankly, they could’ve been a very cute couple. both feel like they are always on the outskirts / like they don’t fit in, both have complicated and sad familial issues, both of their mothers died because of the gods in some regard, both have never had a stable home, both speak other languages, both don’t have any other family then their godly parents, both have constantly been running their whole lives and haven’t been able to make real connections and friends.

the fact that i could even come up with this many makes me even more mad cause my lord. what a missed opportunity.

-leo was the heart of the entire quest. he literally CARRIED for five books straight and he was paid DUST.

i hated his ending.

you’re telling me that he literally has spent a year, fighting alongside his friends, building a ship for them to be able to carry out this quest, living with them, caring about them, and then “sacrificing” himself and all that mattered to him was A GIRL??? his FIRST priority was calypso??? not even letting his friends know that he was ALIVE??

on that subject, why wouldn’t he tell them his entire plan? if he was gonna tell hazel and frank that he was going to die anyways?

-percy losing his heroes blessing or whatever it’s called?? 😐 it seems like rick just needed a reason to get rid of this? it honestly just made no sense.

- and last but very not least ( i can’t believe i almost forgot ) WHAT WAS RICK THINKING NOT HAVING PERCY OR ANNABETH’s POV’s in BOO????

i gotta be real y’all i did not know i had so many opinions/ issues with the books until i started doing this.

anyways, mark of athena and house of hades are by far the best books of this series and also the most gripping and well written. please remind me if i miss remembered something and am wrong.

[multific]

Play Pretend

Johnny 'Soap' MacTavish x Reader

Words: 2K

Warnings: Mention of Smut

Summary: Another mission, but this one very different from the others. Pretending to be a married couple with the man you had a crush on since forever a nightmare and a dream at the same time.

Of course, out of everyone Price would pair you with Soap for this undercover mission, what you didn't understand is, why?

You had a feeling the Captain knew about your little crush and so based on that he choose Johnny. But if you really thought about it, he was the logical choice. 

Ghost wouldn’t take of his mask.

Price is the Captain, it would be super weird.

And you couldn’t take Gaz seriously, the two of you always had a brother - sister relationship.

You had to pretend to be a newlywed couple who just moved into a house.

Said the brief, and you thought you'll be paired with Soap, but when the Captain said Soap, everyone in the room took a step back.

It was supposed to be an easy task according to the Captain at least.

The targets were the neighbours, your information was that the couple was selling confidential information on weapons, agents and safe houses. Which was obviously not good.

And after that, only you, Johnny and Price were in the room, as the remainder of the mission will be confidential.

So, you and Johnny were chosen to monitor them and the main goal was to get enough evidence to arrest them.

As the Captain said currently we don't have enough evidence but everyone was sure and they didn't want to alarm the couple in case they will flee before anyone can take action.

You were warned that they will be suspicious of you.

You and Johnny have known each other, so you didn’t mind spending the upcoming months in a house with each other.

But pretending to be madly in love and married?

Now, that’s going to be a rather difficult task.

You had to admit that you have a crush on Johnny, who wouldn’t? He’s handsome, kind and he saved your life many times before. And that accent...

The difficulty wouldn't be pretending but you were afraid that some messed up part of your brain will not want to let go of that feeling of having him close.

So, now here you were, in a newly furnished home, with your ‘husband’. Looked like the Captain thought about everything.

You were given fake identities, and rings, they even put up fake pictures of the two of you. From wedding pictures to date pictures. You had no clue where they got the material from, but you might keep one or two later.

You let out a sigh as you walked around the house. You had to admit that it was beautiful. Perfect for a newly married couple who is just starting their lives.

You walked upstairs and noticed the master bedroom. It had a huge bed and a gorgeous view of the backyard.

“You can have this room, I’ll stay in the other one.” said Johnny as he came into the room.

This man looked way too good in his simple shirt and jeans.

You were sure God was testing your limits.

“I don’t think we should do that.” Johnny raised a confused brow at you as you continued with an explanation. “If they are as cautious as Price said they are watching us at every moment. And they will find it extremely weird that a newly wedded couple who are supposedly madly in love, sleep separately.”

"I didn't even think of that. I just thought it might be more comfortable for you." Johnny explained and you smiled.

"Yeah, thank you but the mission comes first, so... and its not like I have issues with sleeping in the same bed as you Johnny."

Although you knew your heartbeat will go crazy as you will next to him, you probably won't even sleep let's be honest. You knew you needed to be convincing or this was for nothing.

---

You lived your next three months like that. In a house with Johnny. Sleeping in the same bed, making breakfast together.

In public you two portrayed the couple that is so disgustingly in love, sometimes it made even you sick to the stomach.

However, you learned many things about Johnny, because even if he pretended to be another man, his habits stayed the same.

Like how he slept, how he liked his coffee, how he liked to shower and then immediately go to bed or how gentle he could be, how he would snore a little when he was very tired.

With you, he was a different man, caring, protective and kind.

With others he was the same, the only difference is that his arm never failed to be around your waist, he always pulled you close, kept you close.

You assumed this possessive nature came from his training, that he had to keep a fellow sergeant safe.

A bit later on, you noticed that the targets became more suspicious since you were told that they are now using a heat monitor which showed where were you in the house and what you were doing.

They had to be extremely suspicious of the two of you if they were doing that. And it made you wonder, what did you do to alarm them so much?

This became a very awkward conversation between you and Johnny.

The two of you laid in bed as you talked in the dark, cuddling to make it more believable.

“They watch our every move. What we do, where, when, how. Everything. I don’t know what made them do this, I mean we were pretty good at acting.” Johnny only hummed as he played with your hair. Suddenly a lightbulb lit up in your head as you moved to look at him, sitting up in bed.

“What is it?” Johnny asked, as he watched you sit up. You failed to notice but Johnny learned just as much about you as you did about him, so he knew what your wide eyes meant most of the time, you realized something important.

“I might know the reason….And it’s a bit….” you hesitated as you felt a heat rise in you.

“What?”

You leant closer to him as you whispered to him.

“We never had….sex.” You were happy that it was so dark so, he couldn’t see your red face.

“And?” was he serious?!

You partially died of embarrassment yet he was asking further questions.

Men...

“It’s hard to believe that a newly wedded couple doesn’t have sex in every surface of their brand new home.” You thought you might faint. During your stay, your crush only grew for him.

When he held you close to him during ‘dates’ or when you went dancing with him. Love might be a strong word just yet.

But you definitely liked the man very very much.

“I’m not saying we should, but we could pretend…or I don’t know. What are your ideas?”

“Let’s just sleep for now. We will figure something out.” you nodded and turned around, with your back to him, you looked at the world outside, unfortunately, your bedroom was right next to the targets’ bedroom, so maybe that’s how they got suspicious.

You were close to falling asleep when Johnny pulled you into his chest. Sure, cuddling would be a great option too.

That night, you fell asleep in his arms, and it felt very nice.

---

The next morning, as you were making breakfast, you argued with yourself.

You didn’t know why you said it to him.

This mission is already a complicated one anyway, why did you have to make it more complicated?

Not like you would mind having sex with him, it’s just, you feared that he would misunderstand.

As you turned the pancake, arms found themselves around your waist and you got pulled a bit back into a warm chest. The man put his face in your neck, taking a deep breath.

“Morning, Wife’”

“Good morning, Husband.”

You had to admit that day went quite well.

You went to work and so did Johnny. You were the first to get back home. You made dinner and waited. You pulled a book out to read, as you sat on the couch you noticed that the neighbour’s curtains moved. You tried not to look like you noticed it.

The rest of the night went relatively normal, well normal like the many during the months.

You had dinner with John and told him about your day, he was talkative as usual, but you didn’t mind, listening to him talk was honestly amazing as he could talk about anything and everything with such passion. He might have opened up to you, because he now talked about everything, not only army-related stuff.

You knew he wanted a Doberman and a nice house in the countryside near London. He wanted to be a Captain and with his rank, he would be able to help more people.

It was really nice to listen to him talk about anything, but when he said such sweet things, you believed them fully, and you could almost see him with his dog in a nice home.

After your shower you sat on the bed, watching the house next to yours.

Their lights were on, so they were home. As you stood up to brush your hair, Johnny was in front of you, a weird expression on his face.

“What?” you smiled as he stepped closer.

“Please stop me because I won’t be able to stop.” is all he said and before you could ask what he meant, his lips were on yours in a gentle yet passionate kiss.

His hands started to roam your body and finally settled on your ass.

Soon, the two of you moved to the bed.

---

Your best night ever. That was yesterday’s night. Without any doubt.

Johnny was perfect.

It made you a little sad to know that he only did this so you can convince your targets, but that didn’t ruin the fact that he made you feel so special.

You were still in bed, the light from outside peeking through the curtains, your head was on Johnny's chest as his arm was around you, both of you still naked as he held you close.

You let out a long sigh and cuddled closer to him, enjoying these moments while they lasted.

You guessed that this was only for show. No, you knew this was only for show.

Moments later Johnny moved and his hold on you tightened.

He let out a sigh and kissed the top of your head. Since you didn’t move, he guessed that you were still asleep.

“Y/N.” but you didn’t answer pretending to be asleep. But he knew you were up. “I know you probably think that last night was for show. But I assure you, that’s not the case. I have feelings towards you. I know for a fact that I am happier with you.” he kissed your head again. You still didn’t move, letting his words sink into your brain. You felt like you were in heaven. “If only this was real and not a made-up scenario for a mission... I can see us being married. This house is perfect. If you want children we can fill the rooms in, and get a dog. But it’s only a dream.” it was rare that Johnny spoke this freely.

"It might be a dream, it is up for us to make it into reality." you said as you placed a kiss on his skin. You smiled as he laughed a little.

"You're right."

"Maybe we could start with an official date?"

"You have no idea what I have for you, once we hand over everything to the Captain."

"That can all wait. Let's just have one last day as husband and wife." he leaned down to give you a kiss.

But you were beyond happy. And you knew that even after this mission was done, your relationship with Johnny would not end.

It’s only just started.

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~Masterlist~

ˇAO3ˇ

             DO NOT REPOST OR TRANSLATE ANY OF MY WORKS

[glorytoukraine2022]

I know there’s been a huge debate going on in the Frozen fandom about how Elsa sent Anna away to go to Ahtohallan in Frozen 2, so I want to voice my opinion.

I understand that Elsa pulling Anna and Olaf into a hug and sending them away in a boat seemed very harsh and sudden, but I personally think that Elsa made the right decision. There was no way that Elsa could have taken Anna and Olaf to Ahtohallan with her. Elsa couldn’t have tamed the Nokk and protected Anna and Olaf at the same time. And even if Elsa somehow managed to get herself, Anna, and Olaf to the banks of Ahtohallan safely, Anna and Olaf just would have frozen at the bottom of Ahtohallan with Elsa. There would have been nobody left to destroy the dam. No matter the outcome, Anna would have gotten herself killed and jeopardized the mission.

Throughout the entire movie, Anna was chasing after Elsa and treating her older sister as if she were a reckless toddler. I love Anna and Elsa’s bond and Anna’s unconditional, undying love for Elsa more than anything, but Elsa’s an adult. She can handle herself. Not to mention that she has magical ice powers. This means that Elsa can do things that normal humans can’t do. Like run into fire and crossing the Dark Sea to Ahtohallan.

When I read the arguments of Anna fans against Elsa’s decision, they seem to take Elsa’s decision to send Anna away as an insult to Anna’s capabilities. This simply isn’t the case. When we argue that it was right of Elsa to leave Anna behind, we aren’t trying to insult Anna. Anna is a very strong, fierce and tough individual. But not having powers means that she has limitations. Like any human would. That’s not an insult. It’s a fact.

Anna was being extremely overbearing towards Elsa and clinging to her like a lifeline. By the time Elsa felt the need to go to Ahtohallan, Anna JUST WOULDNT LET GO. By that time, it was too much for Elsa. Nothing she could say or do would get Anna to stop. As a result, Elsa had to send her away by force. Anna claimed that she didn’t want to hold Elsa back and prevent her from discovering herself, yet that was just what she was doing through her actions.

Going to Ahtohallan was something that Elsa had to do by herself. It was her journey of self discovery. Not Anna’s. Elsa was the protagonist of the story. Anna was an important character and still got development, but this story wasn’t about her. The journey across the Dark Sea and Elsa discovering herself within Ahtohallan’s walls during “Show Yourself” were moments that were very personal to Elsa and important to her story. Anna coming to Ahtohallan would have not only been a logistical issue, but it would have taken away from the story as a whole.

The frozen fandom tends to have a perception where Anna is always the voice of reason, and Elsa is always selfish and misguided. But that’s simply not true. Both sisters are equally flawed in their own ways. Both girls always have good intentions, but they are imperfect, as we all are. In Anna’s case, while she does have a big heart and is understanding of others, her extroverted personality sometimes tends to result in her overstepping other people’s boundaries, particularly those of Elsa, who is much more of a private person.

In the case of the boat scene, Anna overstepped her sister’s boundaries. She was clearly making Elsa feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed by the way she was treating her, when she should have listened and respected Elsa.

Anna’s entire arc in Frozen 2 was learning to respect Elsa’s boundaries and allowing her to become her own person. By saying that Anna was 100% in the right, you are hereby taking away from her own character development.

In conclusion, while Elsa sending Anna and Olaf away by force may have been extreme, it was in the best interest for Anna’s safety and the mission for Elsa to travel to Ahtohallan alone. It was only due to Anna’s own overbearing behavior and her inability to let her sister go that things were escalated to that point.

[mariamariquinha]

Bossa Nova (Benny 'Borracho' Magalon x f!reader) - Ten

Nine

Summary: Benny's pov (my boy is so stressed).

Word count: 7.482.

Warnings: Bad words, slightly talks about cop corruption, violence, crime, talks about mental/physical health, mention of use of pills, hospital environment and police work.

Author’s Note: I like my men like how I visualize myself: stressed and in need of a fucking break.

I'm also on AO3 now!

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

Join my taglist! Don’t forget to reblog, comment and like! As always, I would love to know what you’re all thinking! ❤

****

If someone asked any woman who was involved with Benny at some point in their life about him, there would always be a universal phrase: he's complicated. Not 'complicated' in a 'he has a difficult and unstable life' way, because he did, but in a 'he hasn't known how to be a nice guy for a long time' way. 

Daddy issues. Classic. 

He was committed to the Major Crimes guys, especially Nick, because there was a part of him that hated to disappoint. Aside from ego or personal compensation, Benny saw a lot of his own father in Big Nick, so despite the two being almost the same age, the position of power gave O'Brien a very complex image of a patriarch – flaws and all. When Debbie left, it was clear that Nick would follow the same path as that father, with the difference that he would at least try to spend weekends with the children; Benny wouldn't be able to recognize what the 'head of his family' should be if he had to. 

It had been years since he was just Benicio Ramirez Magalon and not Benicio Ramirez Garcia Magalon, as if he erased every particle of his father from his own history in an arbitrary way, but still having that ghost on his shoulders with O’Brien. 

He didn't think much that night, but he knew it would be natural for him to walk away. It must have been the most genuinely decent thing Benny did for any woman under those circumstances. Maybe it was the fact that you knew how to set limits, that you recognized your weaknesses with an ease that Benny couldn't.

In conclusion, he was disappointed to not find you more resilient than finding out Nick slept with informants, which soon enough he caught himself being a fucking asshole. Maybe that's why, because of this lack of cynicism on your part and the excess of the same feeling on his part, Benny concluded that you were destined for good guys. Some who, at least, didn't make the decisions he made.

****

“And we have a fireplace.”

Yeah, indeed, they had a fireplace – one that was basically turning into dust. You stood there with your arms crossed, letting your mother inspect the apartment and make comments about it. While she and the realtor (a small woman named Eidra) went back to one of the bedrooms, you sat on the small bench left behind on the miniscule living room by the last residents, watching your father look through the window.

When you two shared a glance, the answer was all over the place: a huge and big and extreme and frustrated and disappointed no.

****

Listen, it could always get worse. That was life, you know? And you should know better than to expect that the divorce and the whole Isla stuff would pass by you. Well, it passed through you. With a delay, but still. 

Some of this was your fault, you could admit. Your brother had already advised you to negotiate the sale of the house as soon as the divorce procedures were in progress and you were so catatonic, in a way, that you didn't want to add more to what already seemed too complicated. After months, you found the buyers – good price, you made a profit. 

During Christmas, you ended up tripping over the closed moving boxes and spraining your foot, so on New Year's Eve you didn’t enjoy the trip as much as you could. A bad start to the year, but not the worst thing that happened to you in a long time. 

They were organizing a farewell party for Emma; by March, she would be at DEA headquarters leading their forensic team. You had to act surprised, and politely refused to help with the details ('I'm busy with this moving thing'), which she probably took as a bitter departure. Well, it was what it seemed to be. You didn’t call her off with that, but some part of you was feeling that pit of disgust. There was a murmur about whether or not to invite Major Crimes (even though they never attended that kind of thing), which everyone ended up looking at you for clarification. You didn't know, and that's what you said, accompanied by a modest shrug of the shoulders.

“Send an invitation by email, it's less work if they say no.”

Even because you had time to rethink the unfortunate occasions with O'Brien. You felt offended but you also felt guilty, which was a rather cruel conclusion that Nick was indirectly manipulating you. When you told Gina this, she just gave a genuine shrug and sighed.

“It isn’t like he wasn’t that kind of person before, you know.”

You felt bad – you felt used again. Doubted, discredited. And the fact that you thought you wouldn't care if it happened, that you would be as strong as you had been through the divorce, just showed that you had an ability to lie to yourself. Benny left that night and you knew he had the same realization too; you found yourself believing that the opinion of someone who still followed such strict orders from someone like Nick had no opinion value in your life.

You no longer fit into LASD.

****

“You have insomnia and lack of nutrients. I'll prescribe you some pills and vitamins for both, but I need you to pump the brakes. Burnout has been killing people lately.”

Perhaps, deep down, you knew that this distancing also came with your need to hide that your physical health had worsened. It wasn't that bad, but you had barely been eating and… yeah, you really didn't need another surprise with so much going on.

The doctor pondered something, eyeing the papers and you with a serenity that was closer to reticence. You waited, shoulders slumped and eyes heavy, lacking energy to ask anything else. 

“... This seems like a pattern. The lack of sleep, your headaches… Have you considered another type of approach?”

Long short story, no. And he probably knew that too, since you were there and not in a therapist's office, so you saw him lean over the desk and give you one of those scolding looks.

“It’s very normal for people in your profession to have this type of behavior. Considering what has happened in your personal life, I would advise a psychological reevaluation.”

“I’m not depressed.”

But he hadn't hinted at it, or said anything like that out loud, which only made it all make more sense. He sighed in defeat, then signed the recipe and, alongside with it, put a flier about mental health just in case.

The medicines would be an unforeseen additional expense, but it should give you some peace of mind. At least you hoped so. 

****

“Yes.”

“Bad time?” Gina sounded quite confused on the other end of the line, so you frowned at her tone and stuffed the pills into your bag irritably, the breeze not doing much to cheer up your mood. It wasn't even summer anymore, but the day still felt unbearably hot.

“I’m not on my peak, no.”

Gina went quiet for a bit. In the background, you could hear the noise of people coming and going, as if she were in a crowded place. Calmly, you backed up the sidewalk until you were under the awning of the pharmacy you had just left, switching your phone from ear to ear to hear her better. 

“... What was it? Did someone die?” 

“Where are you right now?”

“I am…” You looked over your shoulder, then at the sign of the pharmacy printed right above your head. “Had to run some errands.”

“How far are you from the Good Samaritan?”

“Good Samar-Gina, I was joking about-”

“You won't believe who's here.”

****

He had been quiet since he arrived and it was understandable. Apart from the answers he gave to the police, there was not much interest in having any type of social interaction, which was respected: it was not as if he was or should have been accustomed to the context in which he was placed.

It was different from the other cases they had been following, Z mentioned. Maybe a slip, but no one could be sure because they weren't experts in psychological profiles and the idea of ​​involving the feds was out of the question. For a lot, there was intuition, experiences on the streets, informants… Murph had already checked, there was a strong lead and they were almost there.

No one wanted to mention the damn coincidences that led them to that hospital and, more precisely, the crime scene. Gina, perhaps, had reacted in some way that revealed a truth that no one wanted to verbalize, and Nick asked them to keep an eye on her – Emma’s leaving, until further notice these people would be a bit of a smartass. 

But what would Gina do, anyway? If she could? Would she call you of all people and ask you to pray for your ex's life? 

Still, Benny stood guard at the hospital until Gina finished work and kept an eye on the news, or at least Twitter. If you had known about it, there would already have been news on the internet and, if you had appeared, taken by an immaculate concern towards the tragedy, you would’ve already done so. All in all, the reason why everyone was on their last strings was how you going there could be harmful to the case.

Maybe that was the problem, after all: he didn't know that side of you. What kind of wife you were, what kind of friend you could be. Everything was too casual, limited to observations he made and the things he remembered when you talked. There was no more karaoke, nor costume parties or Cosmopolitans in your cards or a brother to rely on; he knew these things, but none of them were valid at that moment.

So when he saw you peeking down the hall right after Gina had left (when he himself was already determined to get out of there), Benny didn't feel so surprised because he had tested the odds. Cautiously, he stood nearby, watching your diminished, secretive posture pass by the nurses' table and take slow steps to where Theodore was at. He was frustrated, in fact, and maybe a little stressed by everything, because he certainly didn't expect you to make the dumbest decision possible.

You stopped at a safe distance from the room and didn't come any closer. With a bag slung over your shoulder, you gripped the strap tightly, standing still there as you saw what was left of a guy after getting his ass beaten up, perhaps processing things that Benny would never know about. 

The girlfriend appeared: Aileen. She also hesitated when she noticed you, holding a cup of coffee in her hand as she came up from behind. At this point, Benny became more alert, ready to intervene. Interestingly, Henderson was also returning from somewhere, certainly to pick him up, and his louder voice calling your attention caused a beautiful disaster, like an announced tragedy.

You turned around too quickly, right when she was already on your trail, and hit your arm on the coffee cup that seemed hotter than expected. It hurt, of course. You screamed as the liquid burned the skin of your hand, leaning down just in time for one of the nurses to come to your aid. Aileen stood there in confusion as the liquid hit her clothes, and before Benny could take any further steps to take action, the reality that everyone was in a hospital dawned on him and he stopped.

He exchanged a glance with you as one of the nurses took you to the emergency room. 

“What the fuck, is she out of her fucking mind?” Henderson asked eventually, even if they both knew he would apologize later. 

Benny didn't answer him, however; he doubted the answer even though he thought he was aware enough of your behavior. He just watched you go in silence, both fists clenched in anger. 

****

You had your head down, your eyes still wet from the tears from the pain you had felt. The nurse had been delicate and, considering it was relatively calm, was going through the entire process in a well-rehearsed way. The emergency room was still lively, with people going from one side to the other. When you weren't watching her clean the burn, you looked up at the other patients waiting: broken arms, bloody noses.

Last time, you saw Benny with his arms crossed near the curtain that separated your space, even though it was the only one far from the others.

You knew at that moment that you were fucked.

“Boyfriend?” The nurse asked, making you eye her then him rapidly. 

“No,” You two answered in unison, to which you ended up averting your gaze in embarrassment. 

“I'd like to talk to her privately, anyway. If you don't mind,” He pressed a little, not minding the rude tone he was using. 

She eyed him, then you. With a small nod of yours, she sighed in tiredness and rolled her eyes, tidying up the bandage before leaving. 

A silence hung in the air, tense and with a hint of the impatience he was clearly feeling. You ignored this, however, glancing at your injured hand here and there before adjusting yourself better on the stretcher.

“You know, when I was a rookie I used to get quite excited with the prospect of being heard just showing my badge,” He commented, so you couldn’t help but scoff.

“Yeah, yeah, perhaps the biggest problem in America is men with damaged egos because no one cares about the size of their dicks anymore.” 

“You always seem to have a metaphor for dicks.”

“It’s a talent.”

“As is your ability to put yourself in shitty situations.”

You looked into his face for a few seconds and found an anger that, in general, seemed to be the only thing available to you from him. No more smiles or sympathy: Benny had chosen his side of the story and, really, that was fine. Still, you couldn't help but miss the other version of him as much as you did at that moment.

“I'm not going to ask who told you because that would be a really stupid question,” He took one, two steps closer to the curtain, slightly pushing it to cover the both of you. “Let's be adults and then you tell me why you came.”

Good question. Great question, actually. Why were you there? Why did you make the fucking dumb decision to be the bigger person and show up? And, by all intends, to end up with a coffee burn from… 

Yeah, it wasn’t your prime, you could give him that. 

“He wasn't just my ex husband. And I didn't want to come, but I thought I would be an asshole if I didn’t do anything.”

Benny stared at you for a long moment then; he stood there, still, eyeing you as if he was looking for something – to the point of discomfort. You averted your gaze to the floor. 

“I've read your file, did you know that? As soon as you came in and became the talk of the team, I went to find out who you were,” It made you raise your head to him, taken aback by his sudden change of subject. “First in your class, completed a specialization while still graduating. You're kind of a genius, and honestly, you had every right to be a bit of an asshole to people.”

“... You don’t need to say this,” You said.

“What should I say then?”

“I can work with nothing,” And then you snapped at him, seeing his expression shift from serenity to full annoyance. “We’ve been doing this dance very well over the last few months.” 

When he didn't offer any further comment, sighing in impatience from your stubbornness. 

“What I mean is, you're a fucking smart scientist and everything, but you still insist on being naive like that.”

“I know,” You mumbled in defeat. 

“Do you now?”

In other times, there would be a cunning answer on the tip of your tongue; hell, in other times, you wouldn't even let him or anyone talk to you like that. The point was that you were so tired of putting yourself in this position, of facing things that weren't even your business because you had been in that defensive and combative mode since things started to get out of control.

You sighed and ran your good hand over your face, rubbing away the melancholy expression.

“Do you still like him?” You couldn’t help but raise your eyebrows in surprise at his question, watching the way he was so serious about it. 

“What’s that supposed to fucking mean?” 

He shrugged. 

“Means whatever.”

“I don’t like him.”

“It wasn't what it seemed.”

“Are you serious?” You couldn’t help but laugh in disbelief. “You don't know anything about my life to insinuate that kind of thing about me.”

“So answer me without sounding like I'm accusing you of something.”

“Well, then ask questions that don't sound like you're accusing me of something.”

And that seemed to have ended the argument (not the conversation), but Benny didn't move or seem willing to do anything to end the topic. 

“... What?” You asked with impatience. 

“The girl who spill the coffee on you, she-”

“Aileen,” Your interruption came with a huff, while wiggling the fingers of your bad hand. “Yes, she’s a stunning woman my ex cheated me with, if that’s what you’re trying to ask.”

“I’m not trying to ask anything,” Benny frowned. “You're the one on the defensive. I don't want to know the details, I just need to make sure you don't put yourself in the front line of something that’s none of your business.”

“He’s someone I know!”

“Are you serious right now?”

“No,” You used a firm tone, watching him go from stern to doubtful in a beat. “I’m a human being and unfortunately I’m sensitive enough to visit my ex who was beaten by a gang of robbers. Do I wish I had done something to her for what happened? Of course, but unfortunately I also like my job. And my ethics, if that matters.” 

“I just don't want to have to clean up any messes again.”

Deep down, if you really cared, you would’ve been more outraged by what he had said to you. In the end, you just became even more pissed off, so it probably meant that you were mad. The audacity, the… That seemed like the kind of thing that put him closer to what Major Crimes really was.

“... You're quite an asshole, you know that?”

He sighed, looking away and probably reevaluating a route. 

“I didn't mean it that way.”

“Sure. How lucky would I be to endure two public humiliations without having provoked them? I really must be a saint.” 

“Then I’ll be the bitch. I meant exactly what I meant,” You both shared a stare. 

In fact, he was right: you were complicating everything. If you had just done what you meant to do, maybe you wouldn't have acted so immature, but there you were, holding your ground because you were an idiot. This was so frustrating, so stupid. You didn't need to do that, you didn't need to try to be something you weren't. No one ever imposed this type of behavior on you, there was no gun in your head telling you that things should be that way. 

You felt defeated. Your physicality, your face, everything exuded the reflections of a woman well out of orbit. 

“I'm going to tell you something very honest,” He took a few steps closer, searching the eyes you’d been avoiding until you could be looking at each other again. “I want you away from this case. Not because I think you're gonna mess something up, but at this point it's clear that your judgment can prevail over the evidence.” 

It wasn't like he was wrong, so you stayed quiet.

“Nick is going to end up being pretty scathing about what happened here today, so believe me when I say that this time I'm really going to let you off the hook. You'll owe me one.” 

Again, you remained silent, which was a bit surprising since you almost always had something to say. He was there, stern, giving you a well-deserved scolding, pointing a finger in your face, and it was as embarrassing as it was incredibly satisfying. It wasn't like what happened in your kitchen or anything like that, because he was truly mad at you, not the circumstances. Without Nick, Isla, Emma; it was you and him. You were the target.

His eyes were focused on yours, because he wanted to say it in all words. They seemed even darker, more powerful compared to yours, and that made you move in shyness. It was a side of Benny you didn't know yet.

“And please wake up. That girl isn’t half the woman you are,” This shocked you even more, since he hadn't stopped looking visibly irritated while passing his eyes over your body. “Nor half-experienced.”

Okay, well, that was… Well… 

He shouldn’t have that right, did he? Why were you blinking several times and not saying anything then?

You stayed quiet – you didn’t want to embarrass yourself somehow. And with your silence, Benny just nodded while averting his gaze for a beat too long, passing a palm over his mouth with a tense sigh. 

“She's going to discharge you and I want you away from here, understand?” He murmured, both hands placed on the mattress to cage you. 

If he asked (which he clearly wouldn't), you would explain the details of your drunken confession from that first date. Benny was very intense, definitive; that was his version a little beyond what happened in your kitchen, and if you pushed a little harder, you'd notice that his eyes were darker than normal, putting you in an instant trance, whether out of fear, regret or… something else.

His eyes, at that moment when you just didn't say anything, went from your eyes to your eyebrows and then to your nose and mouth, agitated about how to actually look at you. 

“Am I understood?” Benny pressed with a growl. 

You nodded. 

“Yes or no?” 

“Yes.”

“Great.”

He walked away with some hesitation, but opened the curtain to leave with a brutality that made you jump instantly. You let out a heavy breath, bringing your injured and closed hand to your chest in a somewhat unconscious act of protection, but not necessarily because of him. Benny was right; reactive, but right. 

What the fuck were you doing in that place?

****

“Why did you do that?”

Henderson was driving back to the station when he asked. The car remained silent, with no answer for a long time, and Benny continued to stare at what he had written down of what Theodore said.

“She’s a partner. Big Nick would do the same.”

“I don't think so,” Henderson snorted. “You like her.” 

Benny didn't comment on that either, because there wasn’t anything to add. In any case, the lack of a reply said everything his friend needed to know.

****

Okay, Benny did like you a little. Amicably. At first it was purely sexual, and he even thought about bragging to Connors that he had managed to fuck you first, because he was sure he wasn't going to make it past the first date. But even with all the other interesting women he did the same thing with, the indifference you had made it for him. If it was just that, if you had drunk a little less and gone to bed with him that night, that would be fine to you; maybe you even expected the other guys would know about it. 

Then you two kissed and he didn’t mention anything to anyone. You became funnier and prettier and he noticed the things about you. Benny found out he liked the idea of it being a secretive thing, to remember how you sounded, the texture of your skin and the smell of your hair and keep it to himself. You were an irredeemable nerd, but you were rebellious: you clashed with Big Nick, you had a beautiful, huge tattoo on your leg, you smoked marijuana, you messed with other girls.

He enjoyed your closeness, whether as a friend or as a lover. It was advantageous to have you around.

Since what happened at the hospital, Benny thought about apologizing and saying that he was just upset. They were really close to get that guys, there was a lot of pressure from above after the debacle with the DEA, no one was in the thick of the fucking around. He didn't apologize despite wanting to, though, because he knew things didn't feel easy for you either.

Well, he couldn’t be sure of it, if he liked you as if in a crush or just as a person who he got along with. You made him hesitate to make some kind of mistake towards you, so what Benny could say for certain was that he liked you. Just a little.

****

“Do you know anything about this?”

You and your dad were in the kitchen washing the dishes when he asked. His tone was low, almost discreet to be heard only by you and, hopefully, distant enough for your mother to take note of the question. The room was small, very different from your old house, and the walls provided good coverage so that she, who was on the emergency stairs smoking a cigarette, was at an even safer distance.

Still, you peeked out the small window above the sink and could see the smoke rising from the exact place you saw her climbing. 

Earlier, they arrived talking about how the newspapers and Twitter had reported what had happened to Theodore. You did no more than say that Gina brought it up, but you weren't on the case and it was ethically (as well as judicially) wrong for you to get too close. Still, you tried hard to say that you knew he was okay – which your father clearly managed to see as a half-truth.

“... I went to see him at the hospital,” You mumbled, eyes fixed on the dishes in front of you, not daring to find out how he was looking at you. 

“You two talked?”

“No,” You paused. “But I saw Aileen.” 

He didn't say anything; the tap was still on, but the noise of dishes being moved had stopped. You pretended you hadn't noticed, going to the cupboard and putting away the already dry glasses, trying to stay away from the excruciating gaze you felt on the back of your head.

That silence had meaning; your father could go days without bringing up the subject waiting for you to talk about it. Like it or not, you could let him use this strategy, and you would have more time to decide how to talk about it, but your mother knew this habit better than you and, well, there was a reason why you were talking away from her. 

You closed the cabinet and turned around, moving closer to him before leaning the small of your back against the table, defensively crossing your arms. He turned off the tap, dried his hands; the worried expression never left his face.

“I was in the hallway and one of the detectives in charge called me. I turned around without realizing she was behind me, so she accidentally spilled hot coffee on my hand,” You held up your hand wrapped in the bandage.

“So you two didn’t interact? Aside from this?”

“Like in an indian soap opera, yeah,” Your answer made him hiss. “She apologized, I think. I don’t remember a lot.”

Well, it was a lie – one he could catch from a mile away. You remembered each piece of moment you could grab from that mess: the way her eyes widened at the sight of the coffee being spilled on your skin, the way she raised her hands to reach out, the pain, the step back you gave to make sure she wouldn’t get any closer and, specially, the way Benny and Henderson were watching the whole scene. 

The reason why you didn’t go into a spiral of remorse was this fact, that amongst Z or Nick, the ones who were there were the least worse. Gus was nice, polite and Benny was… Benny. And for days you expected for something, for Emma to give you one last penitence or for O’Brien to spill some shit on your face; God knew you deserved it all. It was a bad feeling. You didn't like the idea of ​​feeling embarrassed, the exposure or even your lack of reaction, but more than that, you felt torn by the idea that you hadn't felt as sorry for Theodore as you thought you would.

“It’s just… I’ve been punching myself for even going there in the first place,” You sighed in defeat, your good hand passing all over your face. 

“Maybe we raised you way too well.”

“That’s not entirely true… But not because of you, that is.”

And you knew you shouldn't have said that, at least not in those words, because then he would come with more arguments about how you should let your mother in, about how she wanted to be part of your life and how it would be better to have her as a support – as a woman-to-woman conversation would be more enlightening.

He didn’t even need to point that out, in fact; you already slipped in before he could open his mouth. 

“I think it's better not to.”

“Because she could be too harsh?”

“Because she could be too honest. I love her, dad, I really do, but I had a hell of a moment with a coworker that makes me ashamed to even look at his direction because of it. I…”

I don’t want to disappoint her again. I don’t want to be a burden. 

It was always much easier for your brother when it came to your mother: she welcomed him and they just understood each other. With you it was always a problem. She said you spent a lot of time with your dad, that you must be like this or that, that, honey, Theodore is a great kid but I don't think he'll come back after college. He returned. You got married. You got divorced and, during all the crises, you were also embarrassed to come back with your tail between your legs to say that she was right in a way. You made your brother swear under professional secrecy that he wouldn't tell her anything, but you still contained details just in case.

So no, it was better not to. It would be another shame, another thing that she would look at you with great pity, and you were tired of putting yourself in that position.

“I'm off the case anyway. Gina doesn't report to me, just like she gave the tests to the person on the other shift. There's no risk of me getting closer to Theodore again.”

“But you were looking for something when you went there. Did you find it?”

You stared straight at his eyes for a long, beating moment. 

“... I did.”

“And what was it?”

For a brief second, you could still feel the sensation of seeing Theodore beaten up, the dried blood and lowered eyes. Could see the way he seemed fine, injured but not unstable, able to still be operative, essential to the industry. 

“Relief.”

****

“I know you.”

You didn't expect it to come out so full of doubt, but you expected him to have some memory lapse in the time you had seen him.

Dr. Cillian Byrne was a professor you had at university just before you changed your major. It was in your first year, at the end of the first semester, and with the changes in the curriculum for your audiovisual expertise, you only had the chance to attend, roughly, three or four of his classes. He was a bit young for the position, people said, and when your academic psychopathy caught other people's attention, they told you the same thing. Unlike him, you never went that far. After you graduated, you joined the LASD and managed to pass the evaluation for field CSI, but with so much bureaucracy in the way, you ended up stationed in the laboratory for good.

Looking at him there, it felt like a full circle moment. You didn't connect the dots until that last name took place and you exchanged glances with Emma from afar, who just shook her head lightly as if to say you shouldn’t mention Ballard. 

“I took some classes with you in college,” You mentioned after saying your name, watching his eyebrows raise in recognition. 

“Right, I remember you. The girl who ran to the second boring stuff in CSI.” 

“The second?”

“It's the rule. First come the academics, then the laboratory rats, then the coroners and only then the self-centered field ones.”

Emma was walking towards you when he said that, so when she got closer and saw that the two of you were sharing friendly laughs with each other, she went from confused to pleased in seconds.

“It isn’t that usual to see a successor at a faraway party, but I feel like it’s going well,” She said.

The hotel ballroom was full (exaggeratedly, but fair enough) and judging by the amount of times you saw Dr. Byrne going from group to group with smiles, you could agree that he was breaking the awkwardness of being there under these circumstances. Maybe it was the mood itself. Everyone was well dressed, sipping expensive drinks they could only have on special occasions, laughing at whoever was on duty and taking photos for Facebook; the boring part could wait until the next day.

“I was telling her she’s the first familiar face I've seen here, which is a surprise,” Dr. Byrne lied, so you sipped on your soda to avoid giving that away. 

“... Oh,” Emma frowned, a confused smile fighting for its life to not make her discomfort so evident. “You do know each other, then.”

“He was one of my professors in college.”

“Almost,” He teased, eyes swiping from you to her. “I found out just after two weeks that she fled to the computers.” 

“You seem to have been upset about this,” She was the one teasing now, on the verge of embarrassment to be honest. 

“Well, when you start hearing how much this student who changed majors became one of the bests… It’s hard not to feel at least jealous, right?”

And perhaps Emma and you would talk about this in the future if it hadn't been in that sensitive context, because it was clear that Dr. Byrne had looked into everyone in the department and was perhaps doing background checks as if he were doing his homework. It was the first time in months that you and Emma exchanged a similar look, raising your eyebrows and understanding the situation right away, sharing glances with an inside joke that you hadn't told each other for a long time.

“She’s really great, I have to admit. Hurts me to leave this whole amazing team, to be honest,” She went the easy and polite way, one hand tapping on your arm. “I'm sure you'll get along great on a daily basis.”

“I’m looking forward to it. Who else would give me a better report on what’s up with the infamous Major Crimes’s gang?” 

This time, the discomfort that had been eating away at the edges and that you were able to overcome came to the surface, which made you step back with confusion close to indignation. Dr. Byrne seemed neutral despite this, smiling from ear to ear as he watched Emma unsure of what to say and then you, coming to the inevitable conclusion that he was an idiot.

“... I’m afraid that I’m not the best person to expect that. Perhaps the sheriff?” You gave one more chance to get away with the topic, but he shook his head and insisted, keeping that smile that started to scare you off a little. 

“Why wouldn't it be you? Emma told me that you all have an extensive professional partnership. Not to mention the quality of your reports on Ballard's cases.”

“Oh.”

“I just told him that you could explore more of your expertise with the complex cases they work with,” She rushed to add, the glare on your face now clear as the day.

“I see.”

“But I believe, Dr. Byrne, that I also added that she knows how to limit herself to technical reports, all personalized for each context. You saw it yourself, as she was an expert on a case with one of our most senior detectives.” 

Only then, perhaps added to the way you were no longer so interested in being friendly around the subject, did Dr. Byrne step back and nod, praising your ability to remain professional in the work environment or something. You honestly stopped paying attention, eyes swiping over your drink in hand to avoid any signs of clear embarrassment. 

“I’m really excited to start this new journey with you all. See you on Monday?” He turned to you, giving just enough time for your reaction to snap your head up and force a smile. 

“Of course. Welcome to LASD.”

You two shook hands, then he left. 

But Emma stayed. 

“I didn’t mean to-”

“Did you also mention your friendship with Walsh?” You couldn’t help the venom on your voice, which made her sigh. “Very professional, Emma. Very professional.”

“He just did the research, okay? I wasn’t intending to share everything about you guys, but he just came by with a fucking folder with all your names on it. Not to mention what the sheriff told me…” 

Not that you were in a position to speculate, much less to sympathize with whatever she had faced, but Emma lost her neutral posture as soon as he walked away, that you lost some of your irritation and eyed at her suspiciously, seeing her looking around and making sure no one would hear.

“I made a list of recommendations, but he didn't even read them and said that Byrne had already been chosen. Nick came up to me and said that-”

“You talked with Nick about it?”

“See how weird things are,” She rolled her eyes. “I think he feels threatened. Byrne is close to the sheriff, this could undermine O’Brien's freedoms.”

“And is it bad?”

“I don’t know… I mean, when you know how someone operates, it can be easy to guess, but I’ve never been around him enough to be sure of anything.”

“So you’re suspicious because of this,” You concluded and she agreed. With a deep breath, you looked around just as she did minutes before, catching sight of Cillian and Lennon talking. 

“He’s… an academic.”

“He’s a brat,” You shook your head, biting your lower lip while still staring at him from afar. “Older men, high IQs... Just the smell of testosterone bothers me.” 

“It's not like my feminine presence made any difference.”

When you looked at her again, surprised by her condescending tone, Emma was sipping her own drink with some embarrassment. You didn't know if you should give any approval, if you even had the right to do that, but you knew that it was just her trying to have a clearer conscience about what happened. Byrne was going to take over, and she admitted she had misgivings about the guy – it was noble, like a last shred of ethics in the middle of what seemed like a specifically planned transition.

“... You made it easier for Walsh to take over the case once and for all, didn't you?” 

Emma kept quiet, which was enough of an answer. Not knowing what to say, you nodded along in that silence, unsure if you were shocked or just… relieved. 

“I can understand your disbelief in Nick's methods. Take it from me, I had some problems because of it,” You conceded, so she raised her eyes at you sheepishly. “It's hypocritical to say that in parting, but I was upset that you did that knowing that Walsh would somehow throw me into the fire.” 

“You better than anyone could understand that it was an inevitable consequence.”

“I do, that’s why I never tried to make it a big deal all these months. God knows we have a lot to be forgiven for, so… Be careful with Mathias, ‘kay? Just as you’re telling me to be careful with Byrne.” 

It was the closest you and she could get to resolving the problems. In the future, perhaps, you could look at it more coldly and understand that it was too dramatic, but it wasn't the time; at the moment, the two of you have reached a consensus for the greater good.

The kind that included men with a lot of midlife crises.

****

Benny had seen the whole scene, from Byrne approaching you, the jokes he made you laugh at and even the moment he made you throw a look of disgust at him. He shouldn't even be there anymore: he had a date that night, one that would probably result in a good fuck and none of Emma's rascality. Still, as he watched you interact with those people, Benny ended up traveling in thought again.

He thought he missed what you had risked before. You were more relaxed, determined; you had no way of deciding what he was because the two of you barely knew each other. The dress you wore there was similar to the one on your first date, but not the same. If he tried, he could still feel your awkward drunken ways or, with more effort, visualize the result of an alcohol-free night like the one you were having at that party.

Deep down, Benny wanted to feel like a good guy because, for some reason, he didn't want to put you in that trophy position like he did or would do with other women. This comforted him; encouraged him. If he got closer again, if you started a relationship again, he was afraid that he would succumb to the boredom of not being able to hold on to that heroic feeling of having spared you from something toxic, that would soon hurt you or he would hurt himself.

“Are you going?” Connors asked as soon as he felt Benny shift beside him. “She’s gonna say some words.”

So he stayed, both feet firmly planted on the floor as long as he could, watching each other as Emma went up on the small improvised stage to test the microphone and you, who remained in the same place, one arm resting on the bar counter as you looked at the scene with a blank expression.

“You know, I never thought I would go through this before I was 60, but I think destiny is something impressive,” Emma said. “Having to say goodbye to you all is painful, but I know that this new phase will be transformative for all of us. In a positive way, that is.”

You passed your hand (the injured one) over your mouth, as if you were hiding a reaction even though no one other than him was paying attention to you.

“Since I'm not much of a talker and since I know I said my private goodbyes to everyone here, I'd like to recite one of the emails I received from my mentor once I got my position at LASD.”

Everyone got quiet. 

“True peace is only truly achieved when we realize that we cannot be all good and, therefore, we will be villains for some and heroes for others. It’s an unfair and cruel measure, but despite being protagonists of our own stories, our moral compass will not always point in the right direction. It’s up to us, as human beings, to embrace our weaknesses and ensure that, within our obligations, we can do our best. Therefore, our sacrifices will soon be seen as choices, which will or will not shape who we’ll be as people.”

It was only for a second, a thousandth of a second, when Emma finished that corny speech and everyone applauded, that Benny looked at you again and saw that you looked back. It shouldn't have meant anything to you, just like it did to him, but he knew that, perhaps, that adventure should’ve ended before it began.

That was the choice you two made.

****

No pressure tags:

@cheesybadgers

@thoroughlymodernminutia

@seaweeden

@thesandbeneathmytoes

@eclecticfashionbookszipper

@servenas-inner-fangirl

@mysoulisasunflower

[sirfrogsworth]

I have two best friends.

Which is not an apt description.

Best friends is too small a term to describe what they are to me.

Chosen family. Ride or die. People I would drop everything for if they needed me. People I would protect with my last breath. People who know embarrassing details they will take to the grave.

Now that my mom and dad are gone, they are my lifelong companions. I trust them with my life.

I talk about Katrina all the time. But I tend to keep my friendship with Delling a little more private. I don't love either of them any more or less. There is no ranking system for my besties. But Katrina and I are basically like an old school comedy duo, so we have a lot more shenanigans to share. Shenanigans are easy content for a blog.

Delling is disabled like me. We have a lot of the same consequences from our health issues. Extreme fatigue most of all. Delling was unable to get disability benefits though, so they have to work a 9 to 5 job. And it exhausts them to the limit. They often will work and go straight to bed. If it were possible, I would talk to Delling every single day like I do with Katrina, but circumstances don't always allow for that.

So we have less shenanigans, but the same amount of love.

I'm also a little more protective of Delling at the moment. They are trans and for some reason a large portion of the "very online" people have decided to hate my best friend. And sometimes I worry about drawing attention towards Delling from the few trolls who still hate follow me.

Delling is almost always in my thoughts when I write about trans issues or argue with transphobes on Twitter. But I refuse to invoke "I HAVE A TRANS FRIEND" most of the time. For one, I don't advocate for trans people just because I have a trans friend. Though it does make the emotions I feel very intense sometimes. A lot of tears and anger. But I also don't want to sound like those conservatives who justify everything they say because they have a friend from a marginalized group.

There are certainly times people will be like, "Why would you mutilate someone and cut off healthy breasts??" and I wanna be like "Delling is much happier without boobies and I can see a huge difference since their surgery and you don't know what the fuck you are talking about with that mutilation nonsense. FIGHT ME!"

But I don't think I need to announce my bestie's private top surgery details just to win an argument on Twitter.

I'm just really happy for them and I am glad it helped. They struggled to get the surgery for so long and fought like hell to make it happen. People acting like it is this horrible thing make me so angry. When it finally happened it was... a relief. A weight lifted off their shoulders... err... chest.

After my dad died, Katrina was unable to get away from Florida to help me out. She was dealing with her disabled dog, Lucy, and her end-of-life care. That just isn't something you can ask someone else to look after for a few days. So Delling got permission to do remote work and drove down from the top of the country to help me. They came on the weekend of my dad's service and stayed a few days after to help me get the house sorted.

I'm honestly not sure I could have made it through that experience on my own. During the service, Delling just clung to my side as I tried to act normal when long-lost relatives offered similar grief platitudes over and over. And I kept introducing Delling and saying they were from the wrong state for some reason. I do actually know where Delling lives, but I guess my brain was not functioning in that situation.

Delling also helped me finish my eulogy literally hours before I gave it. And they helped me print out a bunch of photos of my dad that almost no one looked at. I'm so glad we spent all morning frantically doing that. *sigh* Though I'm hoping the photos will come in handy when I do an online memorial for my parents, so it was not all for naught.

There was a moment when a certain someone gave an impromptu speech at the end of the service about how she let my dad see his granddaughter for a couple of hours a year ago and how special that was, and Delling tightly squeezed my hand to help channel away my anger.

Ya know, those totally normal *yearly* visits all grandpas get to have.

Sometimes friends just know, ya know?

Delling and I also revamped the kitchen for my needs, which I have already turned into absolute chaos. And we had a fun shopping trip to Sam's where I bought tender beef jerky that was the toughest to chew jerky I've ever experienced. I guess the "tender" on the label was sarcastic.

All I know is that casually shopping with my friend was this beautiful bonding adventure where we just got to hang out and be together. It's weird the experiences that stick with you. Trying to pick out wholesale sushi with my bestie will be a treasured memory for the rest of my days. And I think that is kinda perfect in its simplicity.

There are not enough thank yous in the world for what Delling did for me. I wish they could have stayed a few months instead of a few days. I miss having them here in person. But they had a foster bunny to take care of and a job and a family. So I had to give Delling back to the top of the country.

I just wanted to write this in appreciation of my other best bestie. I love them more than anything. And I can't tell you all how special it feels to have someone who will drop everything, drive across the country (through tornado weather, no less), and keep you company during a very lonely time.

[mwolf0epsilon]

Achilles, Come Down

Summary: Fives knows there are limits to what he can and can't do, which is what ultimately makes him a good man.

Warning: Mentions of attempted suicide!

[Something to wrap up both Fleeting Memory and Is it Really Self-Hatred When You're No Longer You?. With how I set up the previous drabbles, it was only inevitable that something really bad had to happen before things could get any better. Thankfully, Fives is nothing if not a good brother that understands when he's severely outgunned.]

---

Ultimately, it's both denial and the heavy weight of remorse that sends things careening into the precipice of disaster.

Of course Fives had known right off the bat that things were never going to be the same once he'd rescued Tup, '22 and '16 (mostly because at the time of said rescue, he was considered a fugitive of the law). But never could he have foretold things going quite as badly as they unfortunately did...

Because not even ARC training could throw you for such a curve-ball.

It especially hadn't prepared him or his fellow troopers for an issue where things couldn't be resolved with some sound logic, quick thinking, and (if push come to shove) a little bit of brute force. But, at the very least, Fives was more than capable of recognizing when he was outmatched.

You wouldn't be able to tell if you knew of him only through whatever it was his brothers sang about him in 79's, at the peak of the night, when their courage was high and the pain of speaking of Umbara was more than dulled.

He'd risked it all then. He'd risked even more when he'd found out about the chips. Hells he would risk what little remained once he became a PI... But, as confident as he was in his own abilities, Fives wasn't stupid enough to think he was immortal. Or, at the very least, he wasn't incapable of learning from his mistakes.

The warehouse had been enough of a close call.

Sure being drugged out of his mind could excuse the incident a little, but he'd still made a terrible decision that he'd only escaped from because Fox had quite literally been dying when he'd taken the shot.

From there on out, he vowed to play it safer. Which is what he'd decided to do when things with Tup and '22 finally came to a head.

In hindsight, he should have done something the moment he realized Tup was clinging to the past too tightly. The younger trooper so afraid of his now faulty memory, that he'd latched onto '22 and refused to see anyone but Dogma. Refused to acknowledge that what he was doing was extremely harmful to both himself, and the brother he was trying to reshape into the memory of a lost vod.

Regretfully, Fives hadn't acted immediately. Had turned a blind eye and endured long nights of whispered secrets that broke his heart in twain. Hoped that his own understanding of such all-consuming loss, would give him the power to help Tup come to terms with this whole ordeal in some way...

What he'd ended up doing was enabling Tup into becoming hyper-fixated on the sense of loss. Let him reminisce so much about Dogma, that soon enough that was all that the bereaved man could talk about at all. And the more he pushed this topic, the more Fives noticed '22's gaze darken whenever he was in their company. The distance between them on the couch during his accompanied study sessions, growing more lengthy and noticeable by the day...

And then when Echo had been found, things had only gotten worse.

Tup stopped talking to him. Stopped confiding as much as he used to. Eyes equal parts sad and angry as he watched the two of them from afar. He was no Jedi, but Fives could practically sense the growing jealousy in his vod'ika... Just as he could sense the resentment building up in '22.

He'd been at a loss for what to do. Caught up between wanting to watch over his recovering twin, studying to help the vode, and trying to resolve the rising tension between Tup and '22. There was a huge problem, and Fives hadn't known how to fix it...

So he found someone that could.

The call to Cody came at a stupidly lucky time.

While Fives spent most of his days on Coruscant resting and studying, the commander still spent his out in the frontlines with general Kenobi and his men. Tying up loose ends that not even the defeat of Palpatine could quite bring a conclusion to (at least not a speedy one).

When he'd finally gotten a hold of the man, he'd practically just awoken from a post-landing nap, and he'd graciously let Fives explain the situation to him over comms while he made himself a caf.

If anyone could offer some sympathy over this impromptu venting session, it was certainly Cody. He'd taken in '16 after Fives had brought him, Tup and '22 to Coruscant. Said something along the lines of feeling personally responsible for him, and that the man's Bean deserved to know what happened to him in the end...

Last he'd checked with Kix (the medics's network often kept a tight lip on this sort of thing, but they weren't opposed to passing on positive news when they could), '16 was apparently thriving. The 212th's medical team had reported a considerable decrease in self-destructive behavior.

And the ARC had been just about to ask for advice on how to improve things for '22 when all hell broke loose.

Tup Bean had run to him screaming. Wailing and just about tripping himself up, as he unintentionally lost control of his little body which flopped like wet spaghetti as it extended and twisted in odd spirally shapes. Completely bent out of shape. Something had gone wrong and the little guy had come to him for help.

Fives only managed to understand "Two Two" and "Roof" before he found himself sprinting and asking the Commander for backup.

Unfortunate as it was to admit, it wouldn't be the first time that a brother had done something like this. He just hadn't thought '22 was so unhappy that he'd choose to end his own life. He could have never imagined things had been at that low of a point for him.

And perhaps that was a fault in himself that he desperately needed to sort out once he was sure no one ended up dead on his watch.

When he got to the roof, Cody was already there. The 212th had the upper-floors of the barracks to themselves on the north wing of the GAR headquarters. It wouldn't surprise him in the slightest if he'd simply jumped out of an open window and climbed all the way to the south wing in an impressive display of physical prowess.

Fives watched them quietly from the stairs, ready to act if need be (although he doubted anything was going to happen from that point onward). Mostly, he just stood there and felt useless as he watched the commander speak to '22 in a way none of the 501st had.

With his own personal experience of what it was the younger man was going through.

Once upon a time he'd been Coh, the little CC terror that had been so difficult to handle that the Kaminoans had tried to do something about it. Once upon a time his own brothers and refused to engage with him, because he wasn't Coh anymore and they hadn't know how to deal with that.

He understood how much it hurt for someone to look at him, while clearly searching for someone else.

Not too far from the two sat their respective beans. DB looked frazzled as he watched the two troopers interact, while Coh fussed over him like a mother tooka fussed over its young. Nipping at stray strands of hair and smoothing them back over, with a few quick licks and a few pats with his nubs.

In the last couple of weeks DB had grown more aggressive towards Tup. Biting at his fingers in warning and putting himself in between the two as much as he could with his diminutive little body.

He had also sat on Fives's datapads and hardcovers. Staring up expectantly while trying to stall his reading. Had clearly seemed to expect better of him and everyone else in regards to the whole situation, and shown that he was still more than capable of holding a grudge against anyone that so much as looked at '22 the wrong way.

Despite the loss of his trooper (of their deep connection) and the changes it had caused in him, DB had still done what he thought was best for '22's sake. Extending kindness and never once asking for anything in return. Hells, the little guy still vanished into the vents instead of sticking too close to his new shaky friend.

Fives should have known that the little guy was trying to show them how to do right by their brother. Show them that, even in the face of pain as strong as the loss of a loved one, that respecting the fact he and Dogma were different people was ultimately the right thing to do. Something they'd failed to do repeatedly until it finally pushed him over the brink.

And now there was just no going back.

Perhaps among the 212th there might be a chance for '22 to get back on his feet. The support network that would be available to him did, after all, have at least one person that had first-hand experience with just how hard it was to rebuild one's self after a recon. And '16's presence and progress might reassure '22 that he wouldn't just be cast aside and left to rot. That he wouldn't be stuck listening to others wishing so terribly loudly for the impossible. That he wasn't a burden or a lost cause.

Ultimately, Fives decides it's the better option. So he doesn't protest when '22 agrees to go with Cody. He also understands perfectly when the shaky vod declines to give Tup a chance to apologize or say goodbye. After what transpired, it just wasn't a good idea for them to see each other for a while. Not while they were both in such a vulnerable state...

Not that explaining that to Tup after Fives rescued him from a locked closet would be any easier. If anything, his vod'ika might refuse to talk to him for some time. But that was fine. Tup might need some time to actually think about some things instead of remaining in denial and chasing after a ghost.

That said... He might need to have a word with the medics and push for some measures to be put in place. They'd gotten comfortable going into the Jedi Halls of Healing recently. Maybe they knew a mind-healer that specialized in this sort of thing?

The long-haired trooper would certainly benefit from something like that.

[khepiari]

I don't like it when it's in our world, I think there is a One Piece school manga where the ages are either the same or not as high, but when you apply the canonical ages, Law working and Luffy still in school, I don't let to think that I have to call the police or the psychologist and this is my problem, I know, but as pirates Law and Luffy are more equal than in our world (it still scares me sometimes, canonically it is not a problem but there is fanfics where even about pirates this is shady), but I always think that the problem is not always the ship, but rather those who write or draw

Well, when it comes to fandom, this is my personal rule: canon is reference material for me.

“Age-gap” trope is not new, it has existed since the beginning of the fiction genre to be fair. Because people have been marrying/living/romancing between large gaps for time memorial in real-life. Yes, in most cases, it’s young women and older men because of societal beliefs; young women are considered as limited shelf-life goods while men in possession of money are a catch. Age-gap relationships until the advent of modern society benefited off vulnerable young women who had no money or social security.

Historically, age-gap has been extremely common in queer relationships, we have had huge age-gaps too as well, one famous couple being Christopher Isherwood and Don Bachardy; 30 years. I know fellow queer people in happy relationships where age-gap is over 15 years, and I know fellow heterosexual couples with two years age-gap in miserable marriages. Who gets to be happy in their relationship is relative to contextual environment.

But I am digressing. Coming back to my OTP

As you said, Law and Luffy become a problematic romance if they are placed in a modern setting like High School romance and not the canon timeline. For example, they are put in the context of where one is still in school and the other is a functional adult. Your concerns are valid, but my concern here is; who is this age-gap romance about two 2D fictional characters written on a fan-run website in a tiny slash pairing fandom hurting? Because as far as I know no one is being made to read these stories as part of their school/university literature curriculum. A reader is choosing to read these stories on their own will. Someone might sent you the link, and you can click on it, but you still have to press the consent button to read it, right?

Law and Luffy to me have been equal, since day one both in “canon” and in my fics. Because I have never seen their age-gap as a power dynamic story. I am the person who wrote My Little Husband, I think that story has every trope, problem and issue that people who hate the age-gap associate with. Even in that story, Luffy is an equal, and the active agent in his story. So yeah coming back to what you ended the ask with.

You said about LawLu ship “problem is not always the ship, but rather who writes or draws.” I will simply disagree here. My main reason is that every fic author/fan artist has the right to write/draw/think about their ship how they want. Who are we as consumers of these stories to say “This is bad” and “that is good?”

Yes, your feelings of dislike/ick are valid. That’s why you have been provided with the options of tags, warnings and basic fic ratings.

In my fics, I add the tags and mark the sex scenes out, and if it’s explicit topics or scenes, there are reminders in the text that a reader can skip certain parts. What more can we do to protect the reader’s comfort?

Hence.

I refuse to endorse the idea that the problem lies with the creator of the ship. Just because someone writes something that makes other people uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s “bad or wrong”. And just because something makes you comfortable because it aligns with your personal beliefs isn’t necessarily “good or correct”.

Engaging with fiction is a personal experience, so you have to curate what you are looking for. Do you want to be comfortable or do you want to be stirred with feelings? The choices are yours to make and you can indulge in all or none at all. Yet, no one has any right to call a fan creator, “You are the problem for creating something because it makes me feel uncomfortable.”

Will you like it? Let’s say— you go to a pot-luck party with a delicious tumbler of potato stew, and someone willingly tastes a spoonful/eats the entire bowl and then tells you right after that, “You are a bad person and cook as your potato stew made their mouth tingle because of the variation of spices you used for that person’s favourite vegetable?”

No, you won’t.

So my advice is simple: don’t interact with something that makes you uncomfortable and unhappy. Fandom is not the place to measure our morality.

The end.

[astroyongie]

Red Velvet Reading January 2024

Note: have fun and take it lightly

Irene

Love: currently Irene is single and she isnt actively searching for any relationship (her July relationship finished by the end of summer). I think she is self limiting herself a lot when it comes to relationships, probably because she believes she wont find anyone that will have the same goals than her for the future. 

Career: something here happened that left her extremely upset. I see that her sponsor had some big opportunities for her this here but that they were changed/removed to be put on another idol sponsored by the same person. 

Self: she is having some difficulties on her work as seen, but that is also bringing conflict inside her personal life because she is having a hard time separating both. Irene has been very lonely lately 

Seulgi

Love: Okay so, this is a little weird, because she is In a relationship but I do feel like she hasn’t been very honest with her partner. The cards are showing a third party from her, so it is likely that she has been cheating on her partner 

Career: expect this year to be huge for Seulgi, theres a lot coming for her, from solo activities and her shining on her own as an artist. She knows her worth as an artist and she will take the best of it this year

Self: honestly she is fine, she is happy with her situation and she has no complain on her life whatsoever. Seulgi is happy overall 

Wendy

Love: I want to facepalm, this girl went back to her ex (the one who cheated on her and has broken her heart). This relationship feels so wrong, mostly because her partners energy is way too hard and It feels like he has way too much influence on her  

Career: she has a lot of burdens to take care of. Wendy is working a lot on many projects at the same time and it feels probably too much for her at the moment. She is trying her best to give a good image of herself to her fans 

Self: she is definitely on a bad period of her life. This pains me quite. A lot because she has a hard time accepting herself and loving herself rightfully. 

Joy

Love: Joy and crush are still together however theres some issues in the relationship, mostly due to their schedules since they don’t have much time to be together. I feel like crush also wants more from her (probably marriage, child, etc) and that she doesnt know if she is ready for this.

Career: she feels like her career is stable and not going further. She isnt expecting more than what she has at the moment and so far she hasn’t any project that she is working on either. 

Self: she is hustling, her energy is all over the place (she is probably very anxious at the moment). Theres a lot of investments that she needs to think of and all of her responsibilities are making her too stressed out 

Yeri

Love: she is still dating the same person she was dating in July and things seem to be doin rather very well. There isnt much to say, their relationship is discreet and the person doesnt seem to be someone of the public eye 

Career: she will be taking a very important decision for her career this year. Expect her to show a new version of herself and be a lot more present for her fans.

Self: overall she is okay but lately Yeri has bee dealign with some withdrawal issues and also probably the end of a friendship that she loved very much. 

[seijorhi]

I absolutely love how well you characterize Oikawa because before I read your fics, I saw Oikawa as an ambitious playboy who wouldn’t want to settle down or would have commitment issues outside of volleyball. Could you expand on your inspiration for how you drew those different qualities so well out of his canon character?

(You’re so fucking talented and phenomenal, I hope you know that💗💗💗💗💗💗💗)

so my philosophy towards writing any of my oikawa's is simple: hit it til it breaks.

oikawa, once he sets his mind on something, is relentless. he's gonna give everything to get what he wants, and in a yandere setting, that just so happens to be the reader.

now if we're talking commitment issues, as far as yandere fics go it's sort of a moot point. the character is obsessed with the reader, therefore the idea of settling down/commitment because sort of null. of course they're going to want the reader around at all times, away from everyone else, tucked away safe and sound <33

having said that, i know that that's sometimes how oikawa is portrayed in fanon, because he is charming and yes he does have lots of fangirls (and fanboys i'm sure) but... where is the canon evidence??

there is exactly one mention of oikawa having a love life in haikyuu – takeru tells kageyama that oikawa got all sad because his girlfriend dumped him, which to me doesn't give playboy vibes. it gives obsessed with volleyball to the point you forget you have a gf vibes (but you're still bummed out about it).

yes he does have fangirls, but he's not trying to hit on them like we see with say terushima, or even yahaba with yachi or the summer camp guys with kiyoko. he's charming and nice to them, maybe a little flirty but it's pretty harmless.

now in high school, i'd say yeah, volleyball is number one, the only thing on oikawa's mind. however similar to hinata, oikawa's got his own path to figuring out that pushing things to the absolute limit all the time can be hugely detrimental. plus, outside of a dark fic setting, i happen to like the idea of oikawa realising the benefits of having a support system via a partner, coming home and having that comfort/whatever. that same determination still applies, but it's a much healthier, more balanced approach.

as for a yandere oikawa (assuming we're going with a canon setting of him as a pro volleyball player) you dial back the healthy balance and push more of that, 'i want both and i'm going to have both, no matter what stands in the way' mentality. he can dominate at volleyball and work his way to be the very best, and he can and will have the reader to himself as well.

now if we're talking settling down to have a family, it's not something i blindly paint across every single one of my oikawa fics. certain iterations, like say in scion, the usual suspects or even heedless heartless, while not necessarily averse to the idea, aren't racing to knock the reader up any time soon. wife her up, sure, in a heartbeat, but that's more to tie her legally to them, because it strokes their pride and their ego, solidifies that bond.

pregnancies, and subsequently children, do also have that affect, but i think there's a lot to be said for the selfishness too, and wanting to have the reader alllll to themselves before they have to share her with a kid. as was the case with the drabble i wrote, that oikawa wasn't above using said children to manipulate the reader either. it ain't always a wholesome thing haha.

we know oikawa has a big sister, and that he's involved in taking care of takeru – or at the very least involved with babysitting/occasionally minding him. clearly oikawa cares about takeru, to me it's not so much of a leap to think that a) family matters to him and b) he'd one day see himself having kids.

my approach to writing dark takes on canonically good guys – in haikyuu's case at least, is always to take what we're given in canon and twist it to the extreme. oikawa's determined, talented, charming, a little obsessive, he's got a bit of a vindictive mean streak and he's got a bit of a complex. when i write him, i take all of those traits, dial them to eleven and then make the decision exactly how fucked up and cruel i wanna make him this time hgjfkdlknvjfkd

[lonelyroommp3]

ohhh I love ask games like this,, so 1) when you're at the club, what's "your song? 2) since when have you been a taylor swift fan? and 3) what are your favorite youtube channels to have on in the background? (bonus question: how the fuck did you get into following sports)

1) excluding ones that are everybody's song in the club, like mr brightside, my top 2 are probably - power by little mix (a certain number of drinks in i WILL become convinced i can belt that super high "you SHOULD know". i cannot), perfect strangers by jonas blue (there's a reason this song plays a pivotal role in my braking point fic. iykyk)

EDIT: cannot BELIEVE i forgot to mention cotton eye joe, which while not "my song" per se has become something of a running joke for me bc in winter 2016 i made out with two different guys, in two different clubs, about three nights apart, and both of these times cotton eye joe was playing.

2) i will tell you a story that should really belong to a therapist's office but i don't go to therapy so tumblr will do. back in year 7 i had a very frenemy style relationship with my core friend group (ofc these are the friends that i stuck with in the end and still talk to today. haz if you're reading this) and was also just really struggling with my identity in terms of where i fit with cliques etc - my friend group was like, the weird girls, the goths, the emos, and i did massively identify with that, but a huge part of me just desperately wanted to be a normie popular girl too. and as a result i'd just swing back and forth between trying to maintain my friendships with the core group & trying very very hard to get in with the cool girls. of course this didn't work because, well, popular tween girls can smell undiagnosed neurodivergence like a shark smells blood. but fortunately for my future swiftiedom & unfortunately for my inability to read social cues related hangups that haunt me to this day, i could not smell when said girls were really just putting up with me and having a laugh behind my back. all this to say i got in the habit of riding the bus home sitting with one girl in particular, one day she was like "hey share my headphones and listen to this cool new song", the song was love story, the rest is history. later that school year i got my bangs cut back in and saw her and another girl not even TRYING to hide that they were pointing and laughing at me in the queue outside the design tech classrooms and that did traumatise me a bit but at the end of the day one day (august 16th) i'll be watching taylor swift looking fucking sick with bangs in wembley stadium and all she's ever gonna be is mean. or however the song goes

3) really into cow hoof trimming videos, livestreams of airport takeoffs and landings, and also any extremely long summaries of drama that does not concern me in the slightest. occasionally i'll sort of have a moment of realisation re: drama vids and wean myself off them for a while like hey it is NOT good for me to be watching inflammatory and manipulative videos that often commit half the same sins as the drama they're complaining about. and then i'll click one too many links and be right back into it

and as for sports: i have honestly always been into sports. since i was old enough to watch the olympics i would be absolutely engrossed by them for the entire time they were on, i had an obsessive tennis phase around the ages of 8-10 (where are my 00s federer girlies at), i was on my school's netball team, i even had a period of wanting to figure skate competitively but could only afford one out of that & piano lessons, which is a real sliding doors moment for me haha. the issue is 1) i'm not especially good at sports myself, netball is my strongest sport bc the multitasking is severely limited by the rules lol 😭 and 2) there was a lot of snobbery in my household growing up about certain sports, especially football. when i was maybe 10 or 11 a children's choir i was in got to sing before kick off for one of my local team's games and my dad wouldn't let me stay to actually watch the match bc he had an actual moral vendetta against footy. i would voraciously read the match reports in the local paper though

anyway, i also got introduced to f1 very young because my infant school "boyfriend" (read: best friend who was a boy) was OBSESSED with f1 and specifically michael schumacher. he'd talk about schumi every chance he got and i was like hey this f1 thing sounds cool but i never actually got to watch a race. don't remember why, probably just was not allowed as was the case with many things. but during covid i saw people blogging about it on here and thought hey, this looks fun, chanced it on a nowtv day pass to watch sakhir 2020 (the fact that george russell was the first driver i actively supported. scream!) and, most fatally of all, thought to myself "hey i wonder if anyone is writing hurt/comfort fic about that bottle job". anyway right now i'm watching wimbledon did anyone else clock that insane musetti moment a few games ago

[marciabrady]

Sorry if you've already answered something like this before but I'd like your thoughts on cinderella 3? As a huge cinderella fan I can see the appeal it has to the wider audience but idk I've never gelled with it?

No worries! I'm in the same boat as you, for a multitude of reasons. I still remember, when I saw the third movie for the first time, thinking it was okay but then never wanting to watch it again. Something about it didn't ring true, but it just wasn't on my mind much and I never felt compelled to revisit it (as opposed to the original which I rewatched on a daily basis at a certain point of my life). Then, later, as an editor, I returned to it to continue engaging with the Cinderella fandom by giffing things that hadn't been made before. I tried to admire it for a while, because that film brought many people to Cinderella that otherwise didn't like her but...the more I sit with it, the more I realize how much it isn't for me. Now, it isn't that it's bad. That's a subjective thing, obviously, and it has a comparatively higher production value for a film of its kind. However, I think the way the film presents itself as blending with canon is extremely flawed and I think it's led the fandom to a lot of conclusions that I'm downright uncomfortable with. It's fine as its own thing, but I'm growing increasingly uneasy with it being considered a canonical part of the fandom.

Cinderella herself. No adaption of Cinderella ever gets Cinderella right (the live action is the worst offender) but I think, in some ways, it's more glaringly obvious here because it's supposed to be a direct continuation of the one media that did get Cinderella right? No one could ever live up to Ilene Woods' Cinderella, and I know that's an impossible assignment, due in no small part to how natural she was in the role and how it overlapped with certain areas of her personal life. Jennifer Hale is fine enough but her performance doesn't ever feel distinctly Cinderella and seems more suited for the video game performances that she's amassed a ton of critical and commercial success with. While she's given interesting responses regarding her view of Cinderella, I don't think I'd trust her with carrying the mantle (again, she's said intelligent things but she downplays Cinderella by insinuating she was limited in the first movie and how her own portrayal is more of a 'warrior' and how Cinderella is everyone's favorite princess until they grow up and 'rightfully' start to like more action oriented princesses). The film itself doesn't even understand Cinderella and just gives her a Belle and Ariel redesign, along with a soaring Broadway song where they completely change her singing style. It also changes her entire motivation to be fighting for love (a step back and not how she was in the original, I also think it lends credence to criticisms saying she's silly for only falling in love after one dance unfortunately whereas the original, in my opinion, didn't fall into that trap) and there's so many instances where they frustratingly make her slow ("Lift the spell- make him remember!! Bi- ahh!!"). I also think she's relegated to a side character in her own film and Anastasia is treated infinitively better, which is an issue to me. I also hate how they robbed her of her greatest victory. Cinderella producing the slipper and being her own savior might be my favorite scene in film history. Taking that away from her and making her openly stumble in front of Lady Tremaine, someone who just locked her in the attic and abused her her entire life, was...a choice. Just like her almost handling her *glass* slipper to Lady Tremaine, only for it to be broken, was. It just made her look dense and the entire thing came across as un-cohesive with what was previously established. Like, I'm sorry but...

This Cinderella was so raw, so layered, gritty, real. She grew up in an abusive household with no resources, skillfully masterminding her own exit. She understood the nuances of her captor, and always kept one trick up her sleeve. When she descended upon the staircase, she made her way through her stepfamily actively discouraging her- an orphan with no one else in the world- to the visiting nobility. They called her ridiculous, impossible, out of her mind, just a scullery maid from the kitchen- an imaginative child. She made her way past them, knowing that- if the grand duke believed them or left or if any detail of her plan fell through- she'd forever be stuck with these three women that would practically kill her once the door shut. But she persisted, and even when Lady Tremaine thought she was the one with the trick up her sleeve, smashing the glass slipper, Cinderella pulled a reverse uno and produced something no one else thought possible- the slipper's mate. Compare that to...

The third movie where Cinderella has to run down the stairs, escaping from her attic entrapment, and waves around her glass slipper in front of her stepmother, explaining to her in full detail that transpired the night previously at the ball, putting herself in a position that 4 seconds later allowed Lady Tremaine to crash that slipper and gaslight her into forgetting. Like...why??? I have so many issues with the way Cinderella is depicted in the film, but we'll leave it here (not even going to get into why people only like her in this version more because she displays more masculine strength by "fighting" and being physically combative which...again, there's more than one way to be strong and the fact that they tried to make her just like any other modern Princess is disappointing to me).

The Anastasia problem. This is something that only continues to upset me more and more as time goes by. In the original film, it's established that Anastasia actively abused Cinderella for the better part of her life. She taunted her, lead to Cinderella being punished multiple times, and blocked off Cinderella's escape or pursuit of a healthy life so many times. The way she's enabled the cycle of abuse to continue and actively, not only participated it but, spearheaded it on a few occasions, explains to us why she's the antagonist. I think it's dangerous that she appears in such a sympathetic light, especially without ever once offering a substantial apology to Cinderella. All of Anastasia's actions in this film, too, are completely self-motivated and I just think it lead to this trend where a lot of people see Anastasia as the protagonist (because she has the most screentime in this movie) and I just think it's poor form to sympathize with an abuser and, frankly, a dangerous moral to espouse. Like, even in the finale where they show Cinderella trying to reason with Anastasia is so toxic. Someone who's been on the receiving end of an irrational abuser's whims their entire life should never try to reason because "they know a good person is there, deep down." And I've seen a lot of people call them "sisters" and talk about how Anastasia had it worse than Cinderella because she's considered conventionally unattractive...which. I could write essays about this and how it's projection, but physical beauty doesn't go that far in this universe. Walt even had an animator redrew Anastasia's smile to be more attractive because he wanted all the characters to be somewhat sympathetic in favor of realism, as opposed to 'all good' and 'all bad.' Again, in this universe, the Prince sees an endless line of beautiful women in amazing clothing so that isn't what attracts him to Cinderella. However, I do think it's worth noting that Cinderella ceases to exist in her society when she doesn't appear 'eligible' by having markers of wealth. She's symbolically stripped of her dignity and hidden away, all of her opportunities taken from her. You know who never suffers that lived experience? Anastasia and Drizella. They're slovenly, over-privileged, and completely self-motivated and this sudden rewrite that they're poor victims because, in our world, they wouldn't be seen as beautiful and that qualifies them for a more traumatic upbringing than an orphan they helped abuse is ridiculous to me.

The disregard for the original characterizations. There are so many things here that just don't make sense. In the original, the King was hellbent on getting grandchildren and even displays a delightful meta commentary multiple times (when it's touched on how ridiculous it is that the Prince would marry any girl that fits the slipper, since that's been a critic of the original story, the King shrugs off that his son said it in a lovesick stammer and sees this as an opportunity to get those grandchildren "that's his problem; he's given his word, we'll just hold him to it). All of a sudden, this King is telling his son it's ridiculous to marry a girl who wears a size 4 1/2 and that's no reason to choose a bride??? And is showing Anastasia his late wife and trusting the clumsiest person I've ever seen with a delicate seashell? OKAY. Not only that, but just so many things that made the original characters unique are eroded so they can be like every other Renaissance character. Like, Lady Tremaine was such a great villain because of her presence and charisma and her cunning virtue. To omit all of that and how her waving around a magic wand and yell Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo was unnecessary.

Too much mice. I know many feel that way about the first film, but I think they were skillfully intertwined. It was way too much here and there was no place for them.

The art design and color palette is more gaudy and unappealing to me. I could keep going but lol

[justinspoliticalcorner]

Jill Filipovic at Substack:

Last week, the Southern Baptist Convention voted to collectively oppose the use of in-vitro fertilization (IVF) and pressure lawmakers to curtail the procedure. Under the terms of the resolution, SBC members voted “to reaffirm the unconditional value and right to life of every human being, including those in an embryonic stage, and to only utilize reproductive technologies consistent with that affirmation, especially in the number of embryos generated in the I.V.F. process.” Instead of turning to assisted reproduction, the resolution urges couples struggling with infertility to “look to God for hope.” And, perhaps most importantly, the resolution does not simply call on Southern Baptists to change their personal behavior; it tells them to “advocate for the government to restrain actions inconsistent with the dignity and value of every human being, which necessarily includes frozen embryonic human beings.” In other words, this isn’t just an SBC resolution serving as guidance for faithful SBC members, who have now been told to not avail themselves of IVF. It is a call for Southern Baptists to try to impose their radical theology on the rest of us.

The SBC is the largest Evangelical group in the US. They are strongly anti-abortion, although that wasn’t always the case. According to a 1970 survey, a majority of Southern Baptists supported legal abortion under some circumstances, including for reasons of mental or physical health, rape, or incest. Throughout the 1970s, the SBC was a fairly restrained on abortion, adopting, in its own telling, “a middle ground between the extreme of abortion on demand and the opposite extreme of all abortion as murder.” By 1976 the group was clearer in its ideological opposition to abortion, but also in its “conviction about the limited role of government in dealing with matters relating to abortion.” And generally, at least until the 1970s and 80s, opposition to abortion and contraception was less an Evangelical issue than a Catholic one. By 2021, the same SBC that said calling abortion murder was “extreme” was declaring “unequivocally that abortion is murder.”

[...] It may not surprise you to learn that the SBC opposition to IVF began at its Theological Seminary, and is based on an ideology formed by exclusively male religious leaders. The SBC’s IVF resolution was written by two men, and introduced by those two men. One of those men, Albert Mohler Jr., the president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, told the New York Times that this isn’t just about theological clarification; it’s about political activism. “I want to do more than nudge Republicans who are against us on this,” he said. “I want to call them out for their error and inconsistency.” It’s working: While many Republicans claim to support IVF, just days after the SBC vote, the party blocked a bill in Congress that would have protected the procedure nationwide. [...]

This is fairly straightforward when it comes to abortion and contraception, both innovations that do help families more broadly, but primarily benefit women. Both have been shown to increase education for women and girls, increase women’s economic independence, keep women and children alive longer, help women escape abusive relationships, allow women to work for pay, allow women to enjoy huge gains in equality and wellbeing. IVF initially looks more complex because it is so often used to help families have children, something religious groups generally promote. And many, many Evangelicals and Catholics have used IVF to have children — these are groups that, after all, highly value childbearing. But IVF has also grown in popularity as more women have delayed marriage and childbearing, something religious conservatives see as a threat to the nuclear family. Even religious women are marrying later, often because they want to marry someone they actually love and want some modicum of independence before they tie the knot. I think this is a good thing, and it certainly makes for happier marriages. But if your theology holds that heterosexual marriage is really the only acceptable path to family formation and that the nuclear, male-headed family is the core organizing force of society and all other family make-ups should be heavily discouraged and are even deeply immoral, you don’t really care if marriages are happier; you care that they are common and compulsory.

People of all ages face infertility, but the biological reality is that fertility declines as humans age (men too!), and so IVF is more likely to be used by women in their late 30s and 40s. I don’t think women are waking up at 40 shocked that they forgot to get pregnant and then run to the IVF clinic. But I do think that the existence of fertility treatments takes some of the psychic pressure off of women to marry young, especially if they know they want kids. The knowledge that there are technologies that can help the reproductive process makes it a tiny bit easier for women to refuse to settle for less-than-great men because their church tells them that their biological clock is ticking every day they live past 25. Constraining access to IVF, then, fits neatly with the broader “pro-life” aim of returning women and men alike to traditional gender roles, with men dominant and women subservient, dependent, and primarily valued for their reproductive capacity.

Unfortunately for the SBC and other conservative, misogynist religious groups, IVF is also really popular, including among religious conservatives and Republicans. But that has hardly stopped them before. The SBC, remember, was founded on the very premise of violent minority rule: They wanted a minority group of white men to sit atop the social, political, and economic hierarchy, and even have the right to force other human beings into slavery. They have spent decades pushing laws, policies, and norms that bar or discourage other groups from formal participation in various public spheres, and certainly from challenging white men for power or influence. That they are yet again advocating for a small minority — religious opponents of IVF — to determine morality, law, opportunity, and even basic freedom for everyone else is not some sort of aberration; it’s at the heart of the SBC’s very reason for existing.

Historically, the SBC has sometimes lost, like it did on slavery and segregation. More often, though, it’s been a bellwether for where Evangelical groups, and now by extension the Republican Party, are headed — that’s been the case on abortion, contraception, sex ed in schools, and a great many other issues in the sphere of family, gender, and reproduction. That they are taking up IVF at a moment when their movement has won on abortion in the Supreme Court but is getting pummeled in the court of public opinion shows pretty clearly that public opinion doesn’t discourage them, because this is an organization that has never favored democratic law-making. It simply wants its theology to govern. And it just showed us where the Evangelical anti-abortion movement expects the law to go.

Jill Filipovic lays down the stakes of the SBC’s anti-IVF resolution that the messengers voted on and passed.

The SBC’s IVF vote is part of a trend of a war on all reproductive rights by conservatives. #IVF

[hero-israel]

What’s the situation like, with the protests? I’ve seen images of streets filled with protestors.

I don't live in Israel, but the situation got pretty extreme yesterday. After the Defense Minister said the judicial reform plan should be halted, Netanyahu fired him. It was already the middle of the night and yet people streamed into the streets and redoubled the already huge protests. The next morning the Histadrut - Israel's largest and most important union - called a general strike, the first in decades and by far the largest in the country's history. Pretty much EVERYTHING SHUT DOWN IMMEDIATELY. Schools, universities, businesses, embassies, Ben-Gurion airport (the only previous time I had ever heard of it closing was after a Hamas lucky shot in 2014, and this was seen as a death-level shock), the hotel and tourism industry (UNTHINKABLE, they kept Eurovision running even during a big blow-up with Gaza). Netanyahu backed down somewhat, said the plan would be postponed until summer and Lapid/Gantz/Herzog said it was time for real negotiation, the general strike ended and everything reopened and by my understanding the protests have calmed and shrunken. Now, maybe Netanyahu thought he could do a pretend postponement, wait for everyone's attention to lapse and energy to fade, then ram the same thing through anyway in the summer, but the threat of a general strike has really changed the equation. If he repeats, they'll repeat.

Here is a good article summarizing how things got here and what the political impact has been.

To give simpler background, as best I can as a long-term observer:

The Israeli Supreme Court acts without the checks and balances that most Westerners (and certainly Americans) would recognize. There is no input from voters or legislators. No Presidential nominees, no Congressional hearings. Israeli lawyers and judges appoint new judges, that's that. Because Israel has no Constitution, there's no real boundary on what the ISC can do. They can intervene on pretty much any issue as long as they say they are being "reasonable." Now it just so happens that the ISC has been a reliable protector of minority rights, women's rights, Arab rights, LGBT rights, etc. So it's "doing the right thing, the wrong way," because it could decide tomorrow to strip away minority rights just because, and nobody could say boo. It is not inherently unreasonable for people to want judicial reform, to want there to be some level of election-related involvement in who sits on the court. But that cause is now discredited because a gang of indicted criminals and terrorist sympathizers tried to ram it through while also ending all investigations into their own crimes, stealing the power for the Knesset to overturn court decisions, limiting the Law of Return, etc.

This began because Netanyahu has compulsively betrayed and backstabbed so many of his natural allies in right-wing parties (Gantz, Liberman, Sa'ar, Bennett, etc.) that he literally cannot form a governing coalition with people who know how to govern. His only chance to get a majority was to elevate a Halloween parade of ultra-ultra-fringe lunatics (Ben-Gvir, Smotrich, Maoz), and that's who is in charge now. It's ironic because the whole point of Benjamin Netanyahu - the "value proposition" as it were - is that he was good at preventing major change while also growing the economy and diplomatic partnerships. And he has now shit on all that. If a new election were held today, Lapid or Gantz would be PM tomorrow. Inshallah.

There is A LOT in Israel that is clunky and unfair. The rabbinate, the marriage laws, school system, Temple Mount status quo, Haredi draft, ISC jurisdiction, and that's just in Israel, not even getting to the Palestinian Territories. In all such cases, it is better for people to try to cope with a clumsy work-around than to charge right at the gate with a big fast change. People have been fighting over literally every grain of sand there for 2,000 years and they are lucky it works even as well as it does.