#It's mostly the way they (she? I think?) keep coming back after having supposedly left for good

[neganium]

Wondering why my palette is in dark mode on mobile browser instead of goth rave like on desktop and going to toggle it in settings only to immediately find out why I didn't use it

[thedarkdisgrace]

Ok, follow up post to the original cause I wanted to actually offer my analysis/interpretation on this.

I feel like this is a right/left brain analogy 🧵

Dazai covering his right side, the side supposedly responsible for the emotional & artistic things. It says alot about his mindset, accurate for that time.

It’s intriguing, then, Kouyou covers the “logical” side

I feel like this lends to why Chuuya & Kouyou do get along well. While both Chuuya & Kouyou are no doubt very intelligent (Asagiri literally refers to Chuuya as a genius) they both still lean very much into their emotional side as well. Even if Kouyou seemingly does so less.

Kouyou reveals herself, however, not only in her care for Chuuya but we mainly see it how she handled the situation with Kyoka.

She could have insisted Kyoka come back without ever changing her mind but when Dazai presents her with a way to save Kyoka from dark, she agrees quickly.

Kouyou clearly cares & wanted to help & protect Kyoka even if she went about it poorly. She was trying to help based on her past experiences, lest we forget that she tried to leave the mafia herself once, for *love* no less. She also tends to get emotional when talking about her past or her wish to help Kyoka.

But once she was presented with another solution, a far better one, she didn’t do “what’s best for the mafia”. Kouyou agreed to what was best for Kyoka & that was definitely a more emotional choice.

This is an area where Chuuya & Kouyou align. So, of course they would get along.

Chuuya always seems to find the balance between his logic and emotion. However, he can easily & often does lean more into his emotional side first, then his logical side.

It’s similar for Kouyou, even if we don’t see it as much from her.

Back to Dazai then, when he left the mafia & the cover on Dazai’s “emotional side” was gone Dazai seemed to also move more towards that balancing of the two sides.

He started off heavily relying on his logical brain & struggled emotionally. Often feeling numb or apathetic mostly, hence his suicidal ideation.

Then he meets Chuuya & this shifts. Chuuya forces him to experience new feelings. As Chuuya is a living breathing example of most things Dazai felt the world lacked. It opened Dazai to the idea that there is more to the world, there is more to *people*. Chuuya intrigues Dazai enough to make him want to live a little longer again. Chuuya gave him a reason to keep going, a promise of more.

From the moment he met Chuuya, it was a process of letting more & more emotions seep into his mind & his heart. We see how he feared for Chuuya in 15 even after they just met, even though Dazai *knew* it was a plan.

I might even venture to go as far as to say Dazai may not have feared for someone else’s life that hard before. It was a burst of unrecognizable emotions to him. After this, he only had more & more emotion seep in as the years went by. In Storm Bringer he was ready to sacrifice the city to give Chuuya a choice.

That relationship opened Dazai up to others later, namely Oda & Ango. Which only further encouraged the intermingling of his logical brain and his emotions. Then reaching the point at which the bandages were finally removed entirely and then he, like Chuuya, moved to striving to find the balance rather than relying on one side.

Bringing us back to current Dazai as he is still attempting to find that balance.

He still leans more towards his logical side. This, of course, in contrast to Chuuya who, while intelligent, more easily leans into the emotional.

Yet another thing between them that completes & balances each other. Soukoku will always pull the other back when drifting too far.

So, of course, Soukoku complement each other & it benefits them both.

Having Kouyou on Chuuya’s other side I think also does help Chuuya stay grounded while in the mafia. Chuuya isn’t one to lose who he is but I think having someone else who he knows *cares* like he does helps.

Now, additionally, if we apply this to Beast, I think this also says alot about beast Dazai & why Asagiri says beastzai would be the hardest for someone to portray.

Because *this* Dazai, is perhaps *too* far into his emotional side. He’s always intelligent but in beast, his actions aren’t fully logical, they’re emotional.

He appears cold & calculating as always but he saw another version of himself suffer the great loss of a best friend & allowed his emotional desire to prevent that from happening take control. Thus, his emotional side takes over, thus him covering the opposite side from canon Dazai, he’s covering his “logical” side.

I feel like this is the main difference between all the various Dazai we’ve seen.

PM Dazai relied heavily on his logical side, especially before meeting Chuuya. He rarely took emotion into account unless it involved the 3 people he actually cared for. We see him make emotional choices when it involves Chuuya, Oda, and Ango. Dazai did seem to let more and more emotion seep in over time as a result of knowing them, however, leading to that moment the bandages are removed.

Beastzai is leaning far too heavily into his emotional side, getting lost in it even. Acting solely on an emotional desire rather than a logical one. His desire to prevent a tragedy. He only was using his intellect to further that emotional desire.

Canonzai went through a steady progression, meeting Chuuya starts to open him up, this extending over time to Oda & Ango, leading to the cover on his “emotional” side being taken off.

But beastzai skipped all of that, all the *progression* to that point for canonzai & so beastzai just got all these intense emotions he never experienced before all at once when he saw canonzai’s memories & therefore he sunk far too deep, too quickly into his emotions.

Now current/ADA Dazai is the balance of the two extremes, and seemingly the closest to happiness.

ADA Dazai uses his logical brain as always but he also actually takes emotion into account as well and has more people he actually cares for now.

I think that says alot to the theme of bsd, leaning into that “everything is grey” dynamic. Everything is about the *balance* of things. Showcasing that anything in extremes in either direction doesn’t work.

Anyway, just some thoughts I had and interpretations of mine. Take them as you want, as always.

Oh and just to be clear, I don’t think Dazai was ever “emotionless”, even at his worse. Even if he was numb and apathetic. He was also lonely.

Just saying the more people he came to care about (Chuuya, Oda, Ango then later the ADA) the more he was able to feel a variety of emotion.

My original post:

[clockwayswrites]

Rumors of a Prince

“You could always ask Jason to pay her a visit,” Dick said from where he was lounging, mostly upside down, on the couch in Bruce’s study.

Bruce frowned at him. “I am not going to have Jason kill Vickie Vale.”

“Hey, you’re the one who said kill!” Dick held his hands up or, rather, given his position, down. “I just meant puts some fear into her. Maybe kidnap her for a few days so that she can’t write any more libel.”

Bruce found himself smiling, slightly and against his better judgment. It faded away when he looked back at his laptop. “At least in this case, it wouldn’t do much good. The stories is already out there and, unfortunately, Vale’s take on it has captured the public’s attention.”

“Tim knows I bet… and Babs.”

“Undoubtedly by now.”

“And if those two know, Steph knows. If Steph knows, she’s ranted to Cass.”

“Yes.” This family was impossible to keep things secret in.

“Welp,” Dick said and swung himself to be sitting up normally— or as normally as Dick ever sat. “Then I guess we better tell the others. How do you want to divide this?”

Bruce was grateful that Dick was willing to be his partner in this. “You would be best to take Jason. I’ll speak with Damian. Either of us can catch Duke when he returns from his patrol.”

Dick nodded. “And Tom?”

“I think perhaps it would be best to have as much of the family in the manor as possible,” Bruce said after a moment. “If he destabilizes, I want him to know that we are around and that he is still safe.”

“Alright.” Dick slapped his knees once and stood. “I’ll drag Jason back then. You know he’ll come if it’s for Tom.”

“Make sure he reads the article before he comes over.”

Dick grimaced. “Yeah. Yeah, that would be best. I’m going to bring some food too over with me. Good luck convincing Dami that he can’t go and stab Vickie Vale.”

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose. “Right. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Dick chirped as he left for his task.

Bruce dropped his hand.

‘Gotham’s Pale Prince’ stared back at him from the screen.

-

“Seriously?!” Jason burst in through the kitchen door. “Have you read this swill?”

“Yes chum, of course I have,” Bruce said. He shot Dick, who trailing behind Jason’s fury, a look. Dick was supposed to get Jason to read the article before coming over.

Dick just shrugged helplessly and motioned in a way that conveyed Jason had read it and was still clearly quite upset.

“One of the biggest questions is,” Jason said, clearly reading now from the article with the air of Bristol accent he had put on, “perhaps, why the newest Wayne is not in school. Bruce has proven himself to be a champion of the educational system. This is despite the man himself being a college drop out’ like what the fuck?”

“To be fair, I am,” Bruce said.

Jason rolled his eyes and continued. “His oldest ward’— Dick is fucking adopted now, bitch!”

“Boo!” Steph echoed and tossed popcorn at the tablet Jason was holding.

(Bruce was neither sure when Stephanie had arrived nor where she got the popcorn.)

“Never going to college,” Jason said with a jab of his free hand, “and the second oldest never completing high school.’ I was dead you narrow minded shew!”

“Well, I mean, all she knows is that you were supposedly kidnapped by terrorists and tortured for years,” Dick said. He had moved over to help himself to Stephanie’s popcorn and paused raising the next handful to his face. “Okay, no, that’s actually worse.”

“And you are clear on your line that I cannot stab this woman for the dishonor she implies about the family?” Damian asked, again, as he joined them in the kitchen.

“Unfortunately we have to handle this the proper way, with a press conference,” Bruce said. Stabbing was looking increasingly appealing though.

Jason dropped into one of the open chairs. “I’d call it a battle of the wits, but I don’t think Vale has any left with this trash she’s writing!”

“Alright,” Tim said as he entered the kitchen with almost as much fury as Jason, just more contained. Cass followed in his wake. “I am sure that B has already run through no killing, no stabbing, no maiming, no poisoning—”

“No poisoning Vickie Vale,” Bruce said, feeling so tired.

“Way to go, Timbit, now we can’t poison her,” Jason groused.

Tim sighed, “Fair, I shouldn’t have assumed. I really thought someone else would have brought it up already.”

“People went for more bloody options,” Dick explained.

“Also fair,” Tim said, pointing at him. “Anyways, since we can’t do all that, can I ruin her reputation?”

“Tim,” Bruce sighed.

“Now come on old man, let’s here Timtam out,” Jason said, holding out his arm. “You said yourself we had to handle the proper way and I’m sure that our little socialite here knows just how to ruin her through something like a press conference.”

“You I can stab,” Tim said with a shark sharp smile towards Jason.

Jason returned it with a smile like broken glass. “You can try.”

“Oh, if you keep calling me a socialite I will try and I will manage.”

“Boys, please.”

“Are people threatening blood and violence again?”

Every head in the room swiveled towards the door to the hall.

Tom almost recoiled at the sudden attention of all of the family, taking a half step back and looking a little wide eyed.

Cass walked forward and wrapped her arm around Tom’s. “Tim is. To Jason.”

It took a moment for Tom to tear his eyes away from the family to look at his sister. “Of course. What’s… it about this time?”

“Jason is reminding Tim that he’s a rich society brat and Tim hates to be reminded about that even though it’s true because Tim is also a little freak and the upper crust would be applaud if they knew even a fraction of it,” Steph said before she stuffed his mouth full of more popcorn.

Everyone in the room paused for a moment.

“No, yep, I think that’s pretty much spot on,” Dick said. He wasn’t even pretending not to laugh.

The laughter was infectious and almost everyone was either snickering or outright laughing. Bruce even quirked up a little smile. Tom still looked mostly confused but at least less nervous.

“Come sit by me, little shadow,” Dick said with a smile.

When Thomas settled next to Dick, who immediately wrapped an arm around him, the room settled again into that slightly somber mood.

“What is going on?” Tom asked, voice small. There were times when he still seemed unsure if he could be a presence in a room or consternation. It was something that they were still working on as a family.

Bruce sighed. “A reporter found out about you and wrote an article with mostly speculation. Unfortunately, because of who I am in the city and my existing tendency to adopt, it’s getting attention.”

Tom chewed on his lip and Bruce just hoped he wouldn’t worry it so much it bled. “Bad?”

“Not bad towards you, but unkind. She made a lot of guesses and fact reasons about why the public hasn’t seen you,” Bruce explained.

“Oh. Am I…?”

The dropping of words wasn’t the best sign. Dick pulled Tom into his lap.

“No. Most of the children didn’t attend the press conference announcing them and you don’t have to either. But I will need to make one simply to clear up some of rumors. I wont say anything that you don’t want me to say.”

“Bruce and I can plan it out,” Tim said, “and then run it by you if you want to look over it.”

“Can… will… if anyone wants to help…”

“Of course!” Dick said cheerfully. “We can make a lunch of it or something. It will be the best press conference yet.”

“Yeah. And you don’t even have to watch it,” Jason said. “We’ll plan something fun for that day. The old man can go and do the hard work and we’ll enjoy ourselves.”

“Thank you, Jason,” Bruce said dryly, pretending he wasn’t warmed still whenever Jason refereed to him as anything approaching father.

“It’s what you deserve,” Jason said and tossed his tablet, cleared of the article, on the table. “Come on, let’s plan what we’re going to do.”

“The zoo is always enjoyable,” Damian said.

“You always say zoo,” Cass pointed out as she perched next to Jason.

“What about the park?” Steph suggested. She joined the others at the table and passed around her popcorn.

“Nah, Ivy has a new variety of tulips. I’m worried some of them might turn man eating again,” Dick said.

“We could head out of Gotham I guess,” Jason pointed out and pulled up the map.

Bruce slipped quietly out of the room with Tim on his heels.

“You can stay with them and help them plan,” Bruce offered. Tim was always too grownup, had been since before he came to Bruce.

Tim just shook his head. “I’m never the best distraction. I’ll be more use to you. Besides, I have some plans to run by you that doesn’t need the blood thirsty contingency hearing about.”

“Of course you do,” Bruce said with both a sigh and a smile.

“Nothing physical,” Tim defended himself. “I can ruin her legally.”

“That I have no doubt of.”

No matter what, Bruce had absolutely no doubt that the family would be there for Tom. They were a family, after all.

---

AN: Vickie Vale won't know what hit her. Esp after what she wrote.

Don't know if this will become a full sequel or not, but it was fun to revisit this universe and see how they've progressed!

[evilmskitty]

Jurassic World Chaos Theory and communication

Season 2 spoilers, be warned: long post ahead~

(Now that I’ve simmered down from my high horse, and can look back at the opinions from fresh out of the oven)

Communication is a big theme throughout season 2 (and 1 really), often highlighting major points in certain episodes.

Miscommunication and lack of communication, were often intertwined with different characters. Just to be clear, I am not a big fan of the miscommunication trope because it gets me pissed off. Mostly because it can be very realistic, which hits close to home sometimes. Brooklyn’s character and story line are majorly in this trope.

Brooklyn spends time working on shady shit to get a story and put an end to the shady shit. In doing so, we see her neglect maintaining her friendships/relationship because she’s using it to cope. Then said shady shit comes back to wreck her life up, which she knows can harm her friends. Brooklyn does try to include Darius in last minute but then it gets skewed after the awkward confession. She gets attacked, not expecting to be alone, in a trap set for her. She entertains the idea of staying dead when it’s presented to her. Vetoes it. Andddd then is shown that it’s still very dangerous for her to return and tell her friends. So back to staying dead, because it’s safer for everyone.

Brooklyn continues to be radio silent and in doing so misses a lot of what happens in season 1. I don’t think she knows the group was hunted down or why they were all in Africa other than tracking the Broker there. What she knows is glimpsed from the news, the Broker, and Ben. Her conversation with Ben does irritate me, however it shows how difficult both their situations are. Brooklyn is trying to keep them safe and Ben is trying to find proof she is alive/what happened/what they’re dealing with, neither are in a good spot to really reach out and actually break down what’s happening.

Ben is left to either keep his promise not to say anything or tell the group. We watch it cause him such a visceral reaction he has a panic attack. Once he calms down, he thinks it over. Ben makes the decision to tell the group, and is immediately thwarted for plot reasons the rest of the episode and those following. Which causes more doubt and the desperate scramble for more proof. It builds up and he reaches out to the most levelheaded person he trusts to talk him through it. Yaz. Once again is thwarted by plot and because the doubt is eating at him but so is the guilt. Yet that scene also shows the build of up different communication issues.

We’re seeing Kenji having self sacrificing tendencies (borderline suicidal which is another topic altogether) to avoid feeling the heavy burden of emotions, worrying the group. Darius is wandering off to hyperfixate on dinosaurs to avoid having to discuss his feelings (as one does) or make sure Zayna is okay (if I see anyone shipping them I will cringe into dust). Sammy is also mostly making sure Zayna’s okay but is actually dealing with her emotions (improving from season 1) along with Yaz.

Darius is tasked with talking to Kenji, who Yaz has tried to get through to, both of them getting nothing but the mask he puts up. It isn’t until Ben is stuck in the position of telling them about Brooklyn or keeping quiet does anyone get through to Kenji. Also due to Darius wanting to avoid talking about his emotions again. Ben gets through to Kenji, but Kenji doesn’t get to what’s eating at Ben.

All of these come together during the last 3 episodes. Brooklyn who is unaware that the phone was eaten by a hippo, thinks Ben went out of his way to find her there. Ben who is overly baffled that his friend is here in person and not dead doesn’t really know what to say, much less willing to argue anything. Kenji who is an outsider watching the exchange, festering emotions explode. The rest of the group watch in horror as their supposedly dead friend works with the Broker. When they all meet back up, Ben is confronted with trying to explain his side and there’s a lot being thrown at him. Darius takes lead because he knows this won’t help anyone (in the moment) and they need to get out of the facility. But also because he’s still reeling from everything as well. (Someone pointed out he’s due for his breakdown next season which is very likely that boy is going through it).

In the end, the very thing Brooklyn had gone quiet for, didn’t really matter. The group was still targeted even after her death. They still ended up in Africa at the research facility. Still experienced danger and possible death many times. But she doesn’t know the whole scale and is desperate to keep them safe. So she continues to shut them out, continuing to get as much evidence as she can without involving them just she doesn’t know which is less she’ll have to lie and so they don’t know so they won’t be in harm’s way.

(There’s also my whole thoughts on the confession scene which is another unreliable narrator/miscommunication trope. Darius acts as if he made a huge confession to Brooklyn, likely due to the guilt of not being there during the attack, when in reality it wasn’t. Brooklyn fresh off a break up with their mutual friend catches the slip of tongue to mean exactly what it actually means for Darius. Love, in love, and she reacts to it. Which fair, but it shows how both sides dealt with it. Brooklyn brushes it off, Darius can’t stop feeling ashamed for it.)

(The recent posts I made were hot flash opinionated and fresh from watching the show in full bc I’m a certified slacker and knew I would hyper-fixate if I watched it when I had shit to do)

[hanayanaa]

V ISNT DEAD GUYS!!! : )

ALWAYS BACK UP YOUR DENIAL WITH PROOF AND EVIDENCE KIDS

1) well okay, first off, the classic rule that if a character dies off screen, they're probably not dead. classic time tested rule!

2) they made so much merch of her, not to mention she's literally the face of the franchise as one of the first characters liam made for the show. They aren't going to kill off such an iconic and integral character this early on. remember, we still have SEVERAL more seasons to go!

3) the lyrics of eternal dream, which are supposedly about V's inner thoughts and wishes, states that she is tired of this dream (life), which is more of a nightmare for her. I'm going to annotate the entirety of it on genius sometime this week hopefully /srs, but the last line is "I can't end this dream", a desperate cry, for she can't escape her living nightmare, where she is hurt and used and traumatized so much, but also, in our case, potential evidence of her coming back? nola klop, her va, also said that this version isn't the whole song, since she mentions being excited for the full version. and since it's about V, a full version, along with that line, implies she will return. mostly that latter point though, ill admit the single line might be a stretch LOLL but i figured eh might as well include it...

4) J's still off reading about stock prices or whatever in tessa's space ship lol. J's doing J things and she might've gotten bored and went exploring and ended up finding and saving V. we literally have no idea what she's doing besides getting a command to look after tessa's vehicle, which she can probably do from a relative distance. she's stated as a workaholic, but that means she'd also probably get bored quickly if she has nothing to actively do, if there isn't anything for her to be actively guarding, she might wander off while simply occasionally checking the ship. (I also want more J too she's so fucking funny)

5) she had her eyes closed during the final scene where we see her! If she had kept them closed, then she should be fine in regards to getting bootlooped at least. maybe she was scared, or was embarrassed in a way, not wanting herself or anyone else to see her in this raw, vulnerable state she hates and fears so much. and unless the sentinels tear out her heart/core, she'll probably be fine and can regenerate herself. (side note: alice has an id card like nori and yeva, doll's mother. she was one of the patient zero drones who were purposefully infected with solver in order to see it's effects and conduct research, so she'll probably be back as well, considering she's most likely a solver user. beau might be back, i can't say for sure, all depends if she decides to revive him or not. the disassembly drone corpses in cabin fever labs were probably because alice used a combination of sentinels and solver manipulation to take them down and remove their hearts, which we can see she keeps in an old oven, which is why they can't regenerate themselves anymore and are effectively dead. the hearts are the "worm" thing uzi mentioned would come out of V if alice cut her up.)

6) while the show itself has a lot of gags, it's also brimming with genuine love for detail and lore, like they're fucking around, but they're also not fucking around. V has a lot to tell us still, since she's been extremely mysterious and quiet about her own personal past, probably due to trauma and being terrified of being vulnerable, since she was so often hurt when she let her guard down. a lot of things about her aren't really directly mentioned, and are just IMPLIED, the most prominent examples being her genuine inner thoughts, since there are many zoom-ins to her face and expressions, but we are only left to guess on what she's really thinking. so they're not going to let her go just yet; in fact, i think the next episode will be one centered around her (probably more flashbacks? who knows, but i think since she's been important, but not centered on really until now, she'll recieve her own time in the spotlight.)

7) similar to the point above, her character arc is far from over, and if she were to die now, it'd be a crime against her character and the entire story. she was and still is a vital part of the team, but everyone else was so wrapped up in their own plans or infatuations that poor V ended up getting almost completely ignored. even though she loves everyone deep down, and protects them with her life, she never once got a thank you, or asked how she's doing, or anything. all she got was mostly light arguements and insults back-- the last thing uzi said to her was "you, ew! you're mean!", while the last thing V said to uzi was "uzi, I trust you." one could argue that because of her snarky attitude, she's kind of walking into these scuffles, but...really? no one ever stopped for one second to think about that person right next to them and think about who they are beyond that snark? not even N, who's been with her since the beginning, and openly admitted to having a crush on her? or tessa, her superior, who presumably rescued her from the dump, gave her clothes and hair and companionship? she squealed upon seeing N, but didn't give a single glance at V aside from an argument near the end of the episode, and a reflection of V looking solemnly back in her helmet. i genuinely think that because of these mistakes, she'll come back... eventually, at least, so hopefully they can learn from their mistakes and treat her better this time around, for they are getting a second chance, and everyone can slowly start healing together. V has a very broken heart, so for her to fully heal, i unfortunately don't think that will happen for a long time, but she can begin the process slowly, if her teammates start treating her more kindly, as a peer, someone whose thoughts and opinions and feelings matter too, rather than just someone to be snarky and argued with.

to summarize, she has an almost 99.9% chance of coming back because she's the face of the franchise, along with having a bunch of merchandise, it'd be kind like of shooting yourself in the foot to kill off the literal most iconic character, the literal icon. the final lyrics of eternal dream and the mention from her va that this current version isn't even the full length version, implies V will come back, especially since the song is from her point of view. lastly, her character arc is far from over, since while being a vital part of the team, her teammates have been ignoring her for the most part ever since episode 2, even though she's been there with them this entire time. bringing her back gives everyone a chance to make it up to her, and brings both parties to a point of healing. lastly, her character arc aside, she has much to tell us about the lore, since she is implied to know and be hiding a lot, but since she is so mysterious due to her painful past, it is hard for her to open up. the last two points are connected, as if she is more comfortable, she'll open up more, revealing more about the lore and story along with it.

Out of all the characters ive loved throughout the years, i genuinely do think she is the most tragic one. considering the only real decision she was ever allowed to make was sacrificing herself to the sentinels, possibly in an attempted suicide to finally end all of the pain welled up in her heart? yeah.

she's probably one of my favourite characters of all time, even though ive only recently watched it, she has already made a permanent mark on my heart. i really, truly do hope that she comes back, because she deserves it. she deserves to heal and be appreciated for who she is, and she deserves a space where she's comfortable enough to let down her walls and be her honest self again. i think if she comes back, we'll see a much more vulnerable and timid side of her we haven't seen before except for occasional rare moments. she'll still be snarky, but it'll take her a while to recover from the initial shock of all her emotional turmoil surrounding her sacrifice, as well as get used to all the new attention she's getting. after that, however, she'll recover and start healing and come back as a stronger, happier, and still very snarky V. ♡

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

hii 📓

Okay so the thing is that I wanted a “the Zenin raised Megumi instead of Gojo” fic but the thing is that I’m absolutely convinced that if the Zenin were the ones that took Megumi they wouldn’t actually take tsumiki too. The fandom consensus I’ve personally seen has been that she would have been taken and mistreated by zenin for being a female non sorcerer but I personally think they would have just straight up left her behind.

They only bought Megumi. They keep non sorcerers and women as servants in their compound but all of them are Zenin themselves. Tsumiki isn’t related and I couldn’t really see any reason why they’d want her. Which turned this into a fic where Tsumiki loses her brother, but she’s trying to find him again, she swears. I think of it as my “siblings doomed by the narrative desperately try to write a new one where they can be together” fic.

The thing is that Tsumikis mom was one of those people who thought love and consumption were synonymous. She had a habit of getting caught up with assholes and just… having both of them chew on each other for a while until it turns into this horrible fucking bloodbath.

Tojis just another loser her mom got caught up in, but he’s Tsumiki’s favorite out of all the losers, because he gave her her brother. Her mom marries this random guy she barley knows and Tsumikis pretty sure she does it so they can both ditch their kids twice as much, secure in the knowledge that there’s supposedly another person checking in. It works out great for them, because they both stop coming entirely. It’s fine, because Tsumiki has Megumi and Megumi has Tsumiki and they don’t need anything else.

It’s one of those things where they were in really unhealthy circumstances and it made their relationship a little bit unhealthy but not necessarily bad. They both had to grow up way too fast and deal with way too much too soon and become codependent on each other because they are, in the most literal way possible, dependent on one another. Neither of them know how to love in a way that doesn’t involve sacrificing themselves for their sibling, mostly because they don’t have a way that doesn’t involve that.

They’re in a sinking ship and tsumiki knows it. Their parents aren’t coming back. The money is going to run out sooner or later. Their problems are stacking up.

Megumi has confessed to her that he sees things that no one else does. When she asks him how he knows no one else sees them, he explains that they’d say something if they did and won’t say anything else. And she doesn’t know what to believe but she refuses to call him crazy. He tells her that monsters cling to her back and he fights them off for her. She patches up his bruises and cuts and tells him he’s brave and tries to figure out if she’s just imagining that her back feels lighter after. He tells her that there are dogs that only he can see that have started following him around, and she tells him she believes him and can never remember, later, if she meant it or was just saying it.

The last time Toji came by, he left them more money than tsumikis ever seen in her life, took them to ice cream, told them that he was sorry he was so shit at this and that the money was Megumi’s share in a payment. It was for something he was going to help daddy with later. Tsumiki and him were to use it to take care of themselves and be healthy, because Megumi couldn’t help him later if he wasn’t. And tsumiki was always afraid of what he meant by that, but in the end, she let it slip her mind. After all, Toji hadn’t been by in ages. He probably wouldn’t come by at all.

And he didn’t. But others did. Two men she’s never met before are waiting outside their building one day, and when they see Megumi, they laugh. But the thing that Tsumiki can never get out of her mind later is that she swears they weren’t looking at Megumi directly. They were looking at his dogs.

Tsumiki basically tries to get Megumi and powerwalk past them, but they’re a lot bigger and a lot stronger and there’s nothing she can do, really. They have a brief conversation about whether they should take her too, before one decides that Toji only sold him his kid and to leave the other behind. This makes both of them try to run, but there’s nothing either of them can do to overpower the men, and the men say that “Naobito would go ballistic if they left the ten shadows behind” so they take Megumi and leave her.

They put Megumi in a car and shove Tsumiki to the curb outside of it, and she tried to hold onto his hand, she swears. She grabbed at the car door even when the car started moving, and she banged on the windows, and she watched as Megumi kicked and punched and screamed inside, until one of them hit him and he went still. She ends up falling and hitting her head when the car picks up speed, and when she wakes up again, the cars gone and she has no idea where it went.

And it becomes a foundational moment for who she is. I think she was just intensely lonely before Megumi and poured a lot of herself into this idea of a family together. Tsumikis never able to shake the moment of her being outside the car and Megumi being on the inside, and not being able to get into him. She can never again get what she felt in that moment out of her head.

She goes to the police and tells them that it’s her little brother, his dad sold him but she wants him back, and they’re like “…”. The issue is that apparently her mom can pick up the damn phone if the police call and she shows up, spins some lie about how her and the stepdad split up and he took the kid with him, they never adopted each others kids so it was within his rights, Tsumiki was taking the separation hard and acting out. She lies, basically, because toji hadn’t kept up his end of the deal and dropped in to check in (neither had she) and his kid wasn’t her responsibility, he could do what he wanted with him. She doesn’t want the police poking around the way she lives. Just let the kid go because he’s probably dead and not her real brother anyway.

Tsumiki refuses to give up on him. They were both kids who no one cared about but they cared about each other and that had to be enough. But she’s seven with no support and zero idea on how to find him. She starts skipping school to look for him in random streets, puts up flyers, can’t go outside without looking for him. She gets held back a year in school because of how much she skips and she can’t bring herself to care. She buys him gifts on every birthday and writes him letters she can’t post because she’s going to find her brother and she’s going to prove to him that she never once stopped looking for him. She just. She needs him to know that she never stopped looking for him. She needs to find him and be able to honestly tell him she never stopped trying.

One day her mom comes back in clothes she can’t afford and comes with movers they shouldn’t be able to afford and announces a move they definitely can’t afford. Tsumikis absolutely opposed to going because if her brother comes to look for her, she needs to be in their old apartment so he can find her. She doesn’t have much of a choice in the matter. They have mysterious new benefactors who are setting up a trust to take care of tsumiki with a very generous stipend for her mom but they have to move to Sendai as a stipulation of getting the money.

It’s not until the attorney who’s managing her trust hands her a set of glittery blue butterfly hairpins that tsumiki realizes her mom sold her brother a second time.

The thing is that tsumiki had this one cheap set of butterfly hairpins she’d always stopped to look at in the store when she took Megumi to go grocery shopping. Shed never buy them, because they couldn’t afford it, but it was the thing she wanted most openly in front of him. She was always secretly really insecure about her hair, because they were the kind of poor where bar soap was a luxury they could only sometimes afford and kids at school made fun of how her hair was dirty and frayed. Megumi was the only one who ever saw how badly she wanted those stupid hair clips. If they had to give her a set of butterfly hair clips, it’s because he demanded that they did.

It’s basically implied that the Zenin are the ones paying for her care and upkeep due to an unspecified deal they cut with Megumi, but when they approached her mom with it, they added the caveat that Tsumiki had to be moved to a new city entirely and there could be no forwarding address left anywhere.

The zenins stance on tsumiki is, effectively, that she’s a weakness Megumi needs to be weaned off of. They honestly assumed he’d just like, forget she ever existed and he. Did not do that. He actually pitched a total bitch fit. Tried to scale the compound walls. Bit multiple people including the clan leader. But he’s got the ten shadows, he’s heir to the clan, and he can’t be caught up on some random non sorcerer who isn’t even a Zenin. They end up agreeing to pay for her to live very comfortably if he starts cooperating more but they want to make sure that he can’t ever find her again if he does ever succeed in running away.

Tsumiki is at once full of hope and hopeless, because on one hand, the butterfly clips prove that Megumi still loves her and remembers her, at least in her mind. But at the same time, she’s being moved to Sendai and doesn’t know how they’ll ever find each other again. She doesn’t honestly know if they’d recognize each other if they saw each other again. She wears the butterfly clips every day, even when she gets too old for the style, because she’s more confident about her brother recognizing them than her.

The thing about tsumiki is that she doesn’t understand hate. She just doesn’t. Her mom and toji always got caught up in these perceived slights and revenge and never once let go of the past. They’d destroy themselves if it meant taking down the people they hated with them. She never wanted that. She wanted to live with the people she loved and she’d happily turn around and forget everything, all the pain, all the searching, if it just meant she could go back to being megumis sister.

This isn’t about hate. This is about that moment outside the car, where her brother was inside and she couldn’t get in to him. This is about how helpless and small she felt when they shoved her to the curb and ripped megumis hand out of hers. She needs to make sure that when she finds Megumi, she can take him home again. So she decides she needs to learn how to fight.

Itadori Yuuji has the constitution of an ox and the strength to match it, and he is known for getting in fights with bullies and trouncing them so thoroughly that it’s never a question of who wins when the fight starts. He’s insanely physically capable and can hold his own in a fight with ease. He’s also nice and kind and Tsumiki’s comfortable enough asking him to teach her how to throw a punch or two.

She is bad at it.

So fucking bad at it.

But she never gives up, and Itadori is nice enough to keep teaching her despite how embarrassingly horrible she is at it all. He always asks her why she wants to learn so bad, she doesn’t seem to like it all, and she never answers his question honestly.

In their last year of middle school, their class has a trip to Kyoto. She, Itadori, and the rest of their group walk into some random restaurant in the city and have barely sat down when someone comes inside, starts searching every booth in the restaurant while shouting Tsumikis name.

And oh. They could recognize each other after all.

She looked for Megumi in every crowd she was ever in, but she didn’t consider that he was doing the same. Or that he would see her first.

Her brother grew up without her seeing it. Hes older, dressed in strange, expensive clothes, has a slightly bruised up face and split lip, but his eyes are the same, and he looks like the brother she remembered.

But a lot more nervous than Megumi ever was. He was a tiny, stoic child who didn’t take any shit and never showed fear, even when there were monsters that only he could see. But he’s nervous when he tells her that she probably doesn’t recognize him or remember him, but when she was a lot younger, he—

Megumi. He’s her little brother. Of course she remembers him. She’s been looking for him everywhere.

Megumi didn’t smile much as a child, but he smiles at her then. He tells her he doesn’t have a lot of time and she tells him that they can leave out the back, and he never let her hold his hand as a child but he takes her hand so easily in that second. And just for a second, she’s his sister again, and it’s everything she wanted.

They never make it out the back.

Two men come in. Megumi calls one of them uncle, and he goes stiff and flat the second he sees him. His uncle apologizes for his nephew, tells everyone that he always makes scenes when they’re out in public, tells him to apologize to the nice people and leave. Megumi was mistaken.

Tsumiki tríes to keep ahold of his hand. Really, she does. She tries to tell people to call the police. But megumis “uncle” steps towards her and Megumi slams him into a table, and then suddenly Megumi’s the one insisting that they leave immediately. They can go. It’s fine. They’re leaving. She loses ahold of his hand.

She tries to follow, but the other man restrains her. She learns that she’s better at slamming plates into peoples heads than she is at punching, and at this point itadoris Friend In Danger Override has been triggered and he fucking tackles the dude, which gives tsumiki the clearing that she needs to chase outside after her brother. She gets out just in time to see him be pushed into a car, and she’s had years to think about the last time this happened and figure out what to do differently. She throws herself in front of the car and refuses to move.

See her entire stance is that she’ll sooner get run over and killed in the street than let them do this a second time, but she also can see Megumi trying to fucking punch the drivers head in from behind because he’s about to hit his sister. His uncles trying to restrain him, and just for a second, she sees his hands make the shape of the shadow puppets he used to show her as children. Something invisible slams her out of the way just as his uncle knocks him out.

She picks up a rock and tries to smash in the fucking window with it, and itadori has to pull her out of the way to keep her from getting her feet run over when the car finally tears out of the parking lot. She goes ballistic on him for stopping her because her brother was right there and she lost him again and she didn’t even get the license plate. He was right there.

The police basically do jack all again. There’s no license plate, no names they can follow up on, and they’re still half convinced this is a settled custody issue even though tsumiki insists her brother was sold by his dad and is very plainly getting hurt wherever he is. Itadori is now a devoted advocate of finding tsumikis brother and reuniting them, and both basically kind of end up becoming really close to the other? He’s taking care of himself and his grandpa alone, she’s alone while her moms awol again, and they both become the others support system.

At one point, there’s this random girl and boy who doesn’t speak who shows up to their school for indeterminate reasons. The girl is bored and twirling her glasses in one hand while the person in a suit that they’re with asks the principal questions, and when tsumikis eyes catch at the right angle, she sees an invisible monster clinging to a classmates back through them. She realizes it’s exactly what Megumi always talked about and still remembers that the people who took him could see his dogs. She corners the two others in a room and tries to demand information about the invisible monsters or see if they know her brother or the people who took him, and immediately gets blown off. The fight escalates until the girl tells him that actually, yeah. She knows tsumikis brother. He is a very special person to some very powerful people, and the only way she can ever help him is to tell him that she’s let go of him and that he needs to do the same to her. That’s the only message that the people who have him would ever let get through, and his life would get a lot better as soon as he got it.

The people who have him would give him anything in the world, except for her. He could be a lot happier and healthier than he is right now if he just agreed to stop trying to find tsumiki. If she really wants to help her brother, then she needs to let him go.

Tsumiki nails her in the back of the head with a milk carton when she tries to walk away. It sloshes out on her. Tsumiki did not intend this. She cannot admit that fact. There are some actions you just have to own when you do them. She tells the girl that he’s her brother and she’s never letting go of him. She’s going to find him. They can’t keep him from her forever. She doesn’t care how long it takes her.

For a second, tsumiki really thinks this girl is going to kick her ass, but she doesn’t. She wishes her luck and tells her she’ll need it, and it’s only later that tsumiki realizes she slipped the eyeglasses into her pocket.

And as it turns out, her brothers monsters were real all along.

There was a knife that toji left in the frame of his bed. Tsumiki confiscated it from Megumi as soon as he found it, and it was odd and strange and gave her bad feelings when she held it, and it can kill the things that gather on her back. When she follows Itadori to their local high school and joins the occult club in an attempt to find more people involved in this world of invisible monsters, she wears the eyeglasses and keeps the knife hidden in her bag.

It comes in handy when her senpais are trying to open this thing and suddenly there’s like a fucking portal opening and Actually Let’s Not Oh Too Late Let’s Run Let’s Fucking Run.

They run.

Meanwhile at the hospital Megumi found out in very quick succession that his sister has fucking sukunas finger and also that there’s a very over enthusiastic himbo who is the self appointed vice president of the Find Fushiguro Megumi And Bring Him Home Club who absolutely fucking refuses to leave his side. Sorry who are you. Why are you so enthusiastic about finding him. Megumi sort of was the one doing the finding there was a whole tracking situation and him waiting dramatically in the shadows like they just did it.

Anyway they run very very quickly to tsumikis school where she is dodging she is serpentining this is a fuckton of monsters oh holy fuck is that her brother?

The fight goes bad.

Tsumiki manages to follow itadori and her brother out at a much slower pace because she’s not a freak of nature like itadori and shows up just in time to see her brother shouting at itadori to not eat the fucking finger while itadori is absolutely trying to eat the fucking finger.

She chucks her shoe at him. The finger goes flying.

Then the monster eats it instead.

Tsumiki: :o

Yuuji: :o

Megumi: fuck

Now there’s a bigger monster and the fight goes even worse. There’s a lot of shouting. Itadori ends up with her knife. Then he ends up getting eaten and they’re down both a knife and itadori, who’s probably fucking dead. Then megumis insisting she run and she’s insisting he shut the fuck up because it’s sort of taken a decade to get this close to him again and she’s not fumbling the bag now because of a monster on the rampage. Have a sense of fucking priorities here.

Then itadori bursts out of the monsters stomach with the knife like the fucking Kool Aid Man and the fight is suddenly very over. Good job, team.

Gojo rolls up to his most stoic and eternally pissed off student having a dramatic and emotional reunion with his sister.

Yuuji, in a very bad whisper: no no so like she’s been looking for him for years but he saw her in the restaurant

Gojo: :o go on

Yuuji: and then he got caught by like, I don’t know, he said he was his uncle or something but the dude acted so weird and creepy and they put him in a car and Tsumiki tried to stop the car but they got away

Gojo: *gasp* what no

Yuuji: I know! Anyway then I start helping her look for him but we can’t find him anywhere until I’m at the hospital and he just walks up to me right?? And I’m like “dude I have been looking everywhere for you” and he’s like “I have no idea who you are, I’m here about that fucked up demon finger” and I’m like—

Megumi, really trying to have a moment here: we can both hear you

And megumis like “this is uh. My new teacher. I guess. I am his only student. And he is uh. Enthusiastic. Do not linger in conversation with him.”

Tsumiki is lingering. She needs fucking intel so he can’t disappear again. Where does he go to school and can she transfer there. It’s fucking wizard school? Will they take her even though she’s not a wizard? She cannot emphasize enough that she will study any fucking subject they want so that way she can be close with her brother again she does not care if it’s applicable to her education or life. She can throw things at people itadori tell the man tell him how enthusiastically she will throw things at monsters for their weird fucking wizard school.

Itadori: she hit me in the face with her shoe like five minutes ago

Tsumiki: see???

Megumi keeps trying to forbid her from wizard school but she’s technically the older sister so she has override rights. She will go to wizard school. How does she get wizard school to accept her.

And Gojos just really weird and off and keeps looking at Megumi and saying that he “didn’t know he had a sister.”

He really didn’t know that Megumi had a sister he wanted to stay with.

And then suddenly it’s like a switch is flipped and he’s back to his normal self telling them to leave everything to him, because he’ll make sure tsumiki can come back with them. And uh? Itadori? Weirdly physically capable kid who will apparently eat anything? Is he going to be good getting home after all this?

Itadori: actually if it’s not too much trouble can I go to wizard school too my grandpa sort of died half an hour ago and I don’t have plans for the rest of my life. Tsumikis kind of my best friend and I’d like to make sure she’s all good at wizard school. I’m a really good fighter and I stabbed the last monster so like can I come too because you know. Dead grandpa. No family or future to speak of. Haha.

Gojo:

Megumi:

Tsumiki, softly: dude

There’s more after they make it to jujutsu high but this is already really long so we leave it here

[eirenical]

Mysterious Lotus Casebook | Lian Hua Lou | 莲花楼 | Episode 5

Poor thing. None of the people she loved loved her. And none of them wanted to leave her alive.

[Do not repost. Do not remove caption. Thank you!]

Gif IDs and meta babble under the cut.

[ID: Three gifs of Li Lianhua from episode 5 of Mysterious Lotus Casebook. He is shown from mid-chest up in the first gif and from the shoulders up in the last two. He is speaking of the murder victim in the case they are investigated (text in the main post). He looks a little sad, also a bit resigned. There is a brief cut in the first gif to Fang Duobing looking equally sad.]

So this rewatch is going... SO WELL. I keep finding these ridiculous parallels in places I don't expect to find them and losing my entire damned mind about it. This episode struck me the first time as existing mostly to establish that LLH is, in fact, a good detective. He's wily as hell and has the knowledge to back it up. It's also the avenue by which we're introduced to the Jinyuan Alliance and some of the other side players that come back later on. But I didn't think much of the mystery itself. Of the parallels that are going to be drawn later on.

Yu Qiushang died twice, victim to the people who supposedly loved her most, because she was in the way. Because it was too dangerous to leave her alive with the things she knew.

...kind of like Li Xiangyi.

Only it wasn't about what he knew, it was about who he was. He was inconvenient, and too righteous to be left alive to interfere. And he, too, was killed multiple times over the course of the story:

Once by Jiao Liquiao and Yun Biqiu with teh Bicha Poison.

Twice by Di Feisheng over the Eastern Sea.

Thrice by Xiao Zijin and the rest of Sigu Sect when they disbanded the Sect rather than try to rebuild.

And one final time when Shan Gudao set out to destroy his legacy and reputation.

All people he loved (yes, I'm counting Di Feisheng in that category, fight me ^_^). All people who didn't (or at least who he thought didn't) love him back in the same way. All people who betrayed him.

And if you watch that last gif: there's a breath that gets punched out of him; that hitch before he says those final words; that twist to his features like he's just now seeing this parallel himself.

This one hit home.

And then to find Di Feisheng in the back mountain so soon after when he's helpless to confront him? The way his fist clenches because he's practically DRIVEN by the need to do SOMETHING... but he can't. He isn't strong enough. He's hurt. It would be suicide.

But this case has brought all of that roaring to the surface and he's not ready for it.

It's no wonder he passes out.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment to go cry in a corner about this man YET AGAIN. 😭🥺😭

[kindred-sims]

Dear diary,

I was running errands in town yesterday when I had the pleasure of running into Mrs. O'Sullivan! I'll admit I haven't seen her since the wedding, which is odd given our being neighbors and all. Grandmother certainly raised me to be more hospitable than that, so I asked if Mrs. O'Sullivan would care to join me for tea after church on Sunday.

She was delighted to accept the invitation, and said she would extend it to Mrs. Grantham should she run into her before I did.

I'll admit I was very excited when Sunday afternoon eventually did come around. Much as I appreciate the company of the animals, there's nothing like having another like-minded woman to talk to. Our husbands had all gone out fishing for the afternoon, so we fortunately had the house all to ourselves.

It was all well and good for awhile, we mostly sipped at tea and talked about happenings around town, though if I am to be honest, it was a little more difficult for me to keep up with Mrs. O'Sullivan -- Maeve, and Mrs. Grantham -- Agnes, as they happily gossiped about some church-goer who supposedly dabbled in the making of current wine. I've never been one for gossip, so I only smiled and nodded whenever I could.

Eventually my silence was noticed by Maeve, who requested a penny for my thoughts. Both she and Agnes were curious to know how married life was treating me, so I began to tell them.

"I'm not sure," I'd admitted as such. "I would like to believe it is going well, but...

"But?" They'd both pressed.

"But, I'm afraid that I'm disappointing Caleb. I've been acting so closed off around him, and asking him for permission for the simplest things, things I could've easily done myself. I feel like more of a bother than a comfort most days, I fear that I am no better than a simple hired hand."

"Oh my dear, I know this must be such a hard adjustment for you," Maeve had sympathized. "But these things take time, you cannot expect to feel at home after only a few short weeks. Agnes here knows exactly how you feel, don't you, Agnes?"

I'd looked at Agnes in surprise. I'd known that she and Mr. Grantham were only recently wed, but they'd been so natural and loving with one another. I would've thought they'd known each other for years with how at ease they acted.

"Do you really, Agnes?"

"In a way, yes. Philip and I...well, our marriage was arranged, just as yours and Caleb's was," Agnes explained to me. "Those first few weeks, the first month, even...it wasn't a very easy time, but Philip was so understanding, so patient with me. Over time, I saw him as a confidant, and I can't imagine my life without him now. I'm sure you'll feel the same way with Caleb soon enough, he has been treating you well, hasn't he?"

"Yes...actually, he's been very kind to me. I'm just..." I'd shrugged. "I want to believe that its coming from a good place, and its definitely not that I'm ungrateful for everything he's done, I'm just afraid I'm terrible at trying to express my gratitude..."

"So's my Brendan, poor man has never really had a way with words," Maeve laughed. "You want my advice? Do what he does whenever he wants to show his gratitude."

"And what's that, if I may ask?"

"He does things for me, brings me gifts. Sometimes its a hand carving, sometimes its wildflowers he picked while he was out hunting, or even a bag of white sugar from the store. That's how I know he acknowledges what I do for him, and how much he loves me."

"Yes indeed, that's all you need to do, Josephine! I'm sure you'll think of something!"

I'd only nodded glumly, slumping back in my seat without much idea of what to say next, as Maeve and Agnes swiftly went back to their mindless gossip.

They'd left a little while after that, as the men had returned from their fishing trip -- mostly empty-handed from what I understand, but even then, I can't say I noticed. I was thinking a lot about what Maeve had said to me, about showing my gratitude. It is a good idea I must say, I'm just not sure I know what to do with it yet.

What could I possibly give Caleb to show that I'm not as poorly simple as he thinks me to be? I'm certain I'll figure something out, I have to. Else I'm sure I'll go mad, because I don't know what else to do otherwise.

Signed,

Josephine Wakefield

[saintlesbian]

as an Esme enjoyer (NOT APOLOGIST!!!!) I have lots of conflicting Thoughts ™️ on her current character rn. maybe it’s bc AKP is such an entertaining actress or maybe it’s bc I only started watching recently (so I kinda missed out on most of her really unethical behavior) but. there’s something about this fucked up little skrunkly animal of a girl that draws me in sorry.

like esme’s sociopathic snark was funny to me. the whole thing of her being manipulated by her father into manipulating the cassadine men in order to try and break up Ava and nik’s marriage was entertaining to me as a supporter of Women Who Scheme… and she’s doing all of this to gain the attention and affection of her father who is kinda Incapable of Love and is preoccupied with his Ava obsession at all times. like I can get why she would fuck nikolas to try and screw over Ava since to Esme, Ava is the main obstacle standing between her and her father’s love. and Ryan’s manipulation def bled into the way she interacted with the rest of the people she supposedly cared about since she literally alienated herself from the entire rest of the YA friend group by COMMITTING A SEX CRIME???? AND FRAMING TRINA FOR IT???? all to sow discord among them, isolate them, and ESPECIALLY to isolate spencer so she could keep manipulating the shit out of him.

like i think she saw trina, being friendly and reasonable with Spencer, as a threat to her relationship bc she’s insecure as hell and doesn’t have a model of healthy attachment to base her experiences on. and she sees joss and cam being happy together (maybe still wanting cam a little bit bc he was one of the few people she showed a softer side to??) and gets jealous as fuck bc she doesn’t have that kind of happy relationship. so she kills two birds with one stone, records the caoss revenge porn to sabotage their relationship and pins it on trina to isolate her from her friends… except even with all that reasoning behind it it’s still like GIRL??? you really didn’t need to do any of that??? like Ryan didn’t even order her to do that she just picked up a little sociopathic side project for herself. the crazy roots ran deep with this one. god forbid women have hobbies I guess

so to have those roots ripped out of Esme with the amnesia plot, it’s kinda like they sucked out all the meat and left behind a shell of Esme, this panicky waif, this sopping wet animal in the rain, directionless and loveless. I kinda imagine this is just what she was like before she started communicating with Ryan, and with the recent death of her adoptive family she just latched onto the first family she could find, with Ryan, modeling all of her behaviors after his orders. and even after the amnesia she still latches onto the first family she can find, with Laura the maternal figure and Kevin her uncle, who looks just like the father she can’t really remember.

she’s def not a victim tho, despite the two different hostage situations she was in recently. those were mostly her own fault lol. I think for Esme to have any shot at a meaningful redemption she does still need to face the consequences of her actions, whether she remembers them or not. jail time 100% for the revenge porn thing bc even I can’t make an excuse for how yucky that was. but what would really seal the deal for me is if she actually got her memory and a little of her personality back. scared animal Esme is fine and all but I’m starting to miss her snarky side… I think her redemption would be more satisfying if she had to deal with the guilt of her past atrocities and come face to face with everyone she hurt and have them all lay into her.

and I think the specter of Ryan should haunt her. like how she used to hallucinate him telling her to hurt her baby… I think that should be an ever present threat in esme’s head. like esme should def keep her snark and mild criminal behavior, but also when faced with the chance to fully revert to her old ways, she should be actively choosing not to be evil, rather than it just being a byproduct of her blank slate status. also this bitch needs therapy for sure but I’m wondering what impact talking to Kevin would have on her fractured subconscious…

[fxllen-rxse]

//The frustration is so real.... Here comes a work vent... If it's not you're thing, just ignore. I'll delete later, but I'm desperately needing to get this off my chest.

I've never been so utterly frustrated with work.

We have a young clerk that we hired back a little over a year ago. She's 21 now, has a one year old and is dealing with the kid's father, who is younger and cheated on her. So he's not really in the picture, so to speak. She lives with her mom right now.

She worked here when she was in school, but when c/vid hit, the owner "furloughed" her and someone else. Both ended up quitting. She was hired back when we had someone else quit last year since she was already somewhat trained.

Was fine at first, but her attitude towards others, we have learned, isn't the best. We've had mentions that she has been rude and at least 1 customer literally said that she has the personality of a tree. She has also been "written up" once or twice before.

She is currently less than part time so she can keep her state health insurance.

I've given her the benefit of the doubt, of course. Maybe it's just being blown out of proportion, but as time went on, she's become more and more flaky and undependable. Almost every pay period since she's been back she has missed a day a two. Either due to her kid or herself constantly being sick, which I get. It happens, but it's become such a regular thing anymore. Sometimes she'll also say she has some kind of emergency and is very vague about details and when or if she will be at work, which gives us little time to get coverage for her, if any. One time she was supposed to cover for someone on Saturday, but the day of, she was suddenly sick. This has happened on more than one occasion.

When she does mark herself off, she tends to either forget to tell anyone or just assumes it's fine. For example, a couple days prior, she half heartedly mentions that she won't be in on a Monday because it's her son's first birthday and it's special. Mondays are normally busy and she didn't even mark it down.

On top of this, she is supposed to take 30 minute lunch breaks. She marks herself down for such, but spends an additional 20 or so in the restroom afterwards. It might as well be an hour, but it's clearly not marked that way. Let alone the fact that she just randomly disappears in the middle of stuff for the same amount of time without saying anything multiple times per day.

So recently, several of us has voiced our frustrations with her. My husband, who is mostly in charge of the scheduling, talked with the owner, who already isn't fond of her because she has a nose ring, among other things. Supposedly he just wanted to fire her, but they're going with another approach. Getting fazed out, in a way. She will get her hours cut starting next week when school is out and two of our other employees can actually show up and work.

My husband informed her of this last Wednesday, after she somehow suddenly became sick and wanted to leave at 3. Afterwards, she left upset, and later texts him asking if she were to "accept" these new hours, which would be 3-6 m-f (because she doesn't want to work Saturdays, which is just 9-1), if she could get a raise...

When I was told about this, I couldn't wrap my head around it.... So she wanted more money for less work?!! And the fact that she assumed it was a choice?? I'm just.... I don't....

I have worked here for more than ten years and I don't think I've ever dealt with this amount of stress with another clerk. I am also a clerk. I am full time and, anymore, I feel like I'm babysitter when she's here just to make sure she isn't rude with people.

Maybe this is selfish of me. I'm older than she is, obviously. I have no kids and don't plan on having any, but as someone who doesn't and has had to work since I was 18, lost 2 parents at 20, and moved out shortly after to get away from my abusive step mother, I've been fortunate enough to work my way up to this point where my husband and I are stable with money and stuff and still have some luxuries sometimes. It wasn’t easy by any means.

And to some extent, I have some of my mom's leftover life insurance money to thank for a few things, but aside from that, neither of us were never just handed anything. We both have had to work our asses for this.

I will admit, her situation sucks all around. We have at least one tech who is against the idea of cutting her hours. He told my husband that it's "evil" and she's just a kid.

Maybe I am selfish. I have no kids and I don't know what it's like, but it's increasingly difficult for me to feel sorry for someone who's work ethic is almost nonexistent and just thinks she can get away with being paid more for doing as little as possible. Let alone made some poor life choices. I hate that I have think of it this way and I feel terrible, but I'm just frustrated to no end anymore.

[seawolvesanddragons]

AWAE 12 Days of Christmas - Day Three

(All 12 posts will be missing scenes come from my Anne with an E Hogwarts AU fic.) 

Anne learns about Ravenclaw’s Diadem. Naturally, this calls from a quest. 

(Barry House - second year) 

“Diana,” Ruby asked, staring out the windows into the Barry’s garden. “What is your sister doing?” 

Diana and Anne looked up from the pie crust. Minnie May was holding a stone up to the sky, dramatically orating. 

“I HAVE CONQUERED DEATH!” 

“Oh, she’s just going through a phase,” Diana shrugged. “I’ve been reading the Tale of the Three Brothers to her - she’s obsessed with the resurrection stone.” 

“What’s a resurrection stone?” Anne said, curiosity peaked. “I’ve never heard of one.” 

“It’s not real, Anne,” Diana said. “The resurrection stone, the elder wand - these are just legends, like the Philosopher's stone or the diadem of Ravenclaw.” 

The rolling pin went clattering to the floor. 

“Ravenclaws had a diadem?!” 

*

“But Marilla, surely you must know something. You’re a head of house!” Anne pleaded. 

“Yes, of Hufflepuff!” Marilla said. “I never had much reason to think about some lost crown of Ravenclaw.”

“It’s called a diadem, Marilla, so much more romantic-”

“And even if I were head of Ravenclaw,” Marilla continued firmly. “I would have much more important things to do than worry about a long lost diadem that is probably not even real.”

Anne stilled, her eyes narrowing. “You said it probably isn’t real.” 

“Anne-”

“As in it might be real.” 

“Anne, for Boleyn’s sake-”

“I’m going to find it,” Anne decided. 

“Anne no - Anne get back here!” 

*

(Library, third year) 

“So according to Rowena’ Ravenclaw’s biography, Rowena Ravenclaw denied the diadem being stolen but it was never seen at least a decade before her death-” 

“I don’t care Anne.” 

“During which Ravenclaw resided at Hogwarts as a teacher. She rarely left the grounds, even for her ancestral home. Which means-”

“Anne, please, we’re trying to work-” 

“The diadem is mostly likely here at Hogwarts!” 

“Anne - wait what?” Jerry looked up from his herbology textbook. “I thought it didn’t exist?” 

“Just because something is lost doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist!” Anne said excitedly. 

“No, but it makes it far less likely to,” Cole pointed out. “I don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with the diadem anyway.” 

“It’s said to increase the wisdom of anyone who wears it,” Anne said. “Besides, it’s the mystery of it all! A lost relic, as valuable as any treasure, hidden away in the folds of time, somewhere in a magical castle...it’s positively thrilling!” 

“Do you really think you can find it?” Jerry asked, shoving the herbology text aside. “I mean, other people must have looked.”

“Diana said people searched for centuries after she died, but none of them ever got close. According to legend, Ravenclaw’s own final letter to Helga Hufflepuff supposedly held a clue, but it was never deciphered.” 

“Anne,” Cole said. “You know I know you’re brilliant. But if centuries of witches and wizards couldn’t supposedly break this code and find the diadem, what makes you think you can?” 

“Simple,” Anne said. “They were all thinking like wizards. But Rowena Ravenclaw was a half-blood. I think the key to all this is to approach it like a muggle.

“I’m in,” Jerry announced. “What?” Jerry asked when Cole shook his head. “I’m bored. And I love beating purebloods at their own game.” 

*

(Courtyard, 4th year) 

“Go over it again,” Diana said. “We’re missing something obvious, I can feel it.” 

“Indeed I have found, my dearest Helga, that the mantle of time hangs heavily around me, our own lights dimming as our students flare ever more brightly. Perhaps Godric was right, and our own age is coming to a close. All we can hope is that the legacy we have planted here blooms as a more prosperous, safer age for our people . Already wisdom lies with the seed.” Anne tapped the book. “After that it turns to discussion of Helga’s birthday. I suppose the code could be in that section.” 

“Let’s go one paragraph at a time,” Diana said. “That way we can keep track of what we know.” 

Half an hour later, they were still stuck. 

“Are you sure it isn’t a revealing charm?” 

“Witches and wizards would have already tried that,” Anne sighed, closing the book. She gazed at the cover. Correspondence of the Hogwarts Founders. The cover was illustrated with a portrait of the four founders together. Anne traced Rowena’s face with her thumb. She looked oddly familiar; Anne could have sworn she had seen her before. She just couldn’t remember where. It was infuriating. 

“What are your secrets?” Anne whispered. 

“Well, we learned one thing. Rowena Ravenclaw really liked metaphors,” Jerry said. “Fire, planting, seeds...she is a flowery as you Anne.” 

“Flowers...seeds....Jerry you’re a genius!” Anne declared. 

*

(Corridor, 5th year) 

“Cole,” Anne appeared out of nowhere, grabbing his arm. “You’ll never believe it. We think we found it!” 

“And by it you mean...” Cole raised an eyebrow. 

“The diadem!” 

“You’re still on about that?” Cole asked. “I thought you gave up years ago.” 

“Never,” Anne shook her head. “Come on, Diana and Jerry are meeting us by the old greenhouses. We’re about to make history!” She set off down the corridor, dragging Cole with her. 

“I already have a bad feeling about this.” 

(Marilla’s office, 5th year Later that evening.) 

“My bad feeling was totally correct, by the way,” Cole muttered to no one in particular. No one answered. Jerry, Anne and Diana were far more focused on the irate pacing form of Marilla. 

“You could have burned the entire structure down Anne, honestly what were you thinking...”

“I’m sorry Marilla, truly I am, but we had found Rowena’s old letters and-” 

“Of course,” Marilla’s nostrils flared. “I should have known. This is about that diadem isn’t it?” 

Anne nodded sheepishly. 

“And she dragged you three into this?” Marilla demanded of the rest of the group. 

“Literally,” Cole said. He felt no qualms about throwing the rest of them into the dragon’s path for this. He had just been trying to walk to dinner. 

Diana and Jerry just shrugged. “We volunteered.” 

“Merlin almighty,” Marilla closed her eyes briefly. 

[roman-cates]

Bryce gives a brisk nod as he puts on his gun. "Okay. I'll be back before five, hopefully closer to four. I'll try to cook something edible for dinner, and Kyle will be over at six. I'll see you in a bit."

He wheels Roman over to the door and steps out, waiting to hear the bolts slide in behind him. Then he goes to his meeting at the main house. Boss got in this morning, supposedly.

When he gets there, Mal is nowhere to be seen. Robert brings him up to to Boss's study and leaves him at the closed door.

He knocks. "It's Bryce," he says, "For our two o'clock."

"Come in." Boss's voice is sharp and authoritative, as always. He enters, about to close the door behind him until he sees Mal, standing up to leave. She brushes past him, tears glittering in her eyes, and leaves, shutting the door.

"Sit down," says Boss. "I think we have a lot to discuss."

Previous

Roman locks the door behind Bryce when he leaves. And then he's left by himself...

He can't really move from where he is, either. Maybe a little bit, but not really. Therefore, the only thing he can really do is think...

His thoughts wander first to Avery. And to sleep. Where his mind is right now, it's going to be extremely difficult to fall asleep. Even if he tries, he keeps reflexively opening his eyes and waking back up when Avery's corpse inevitably comes to him...

Roman had never seen someone die before... He's... sort of glad he saw Avery's death, though...

A lot of things were said that night...

Roman is fairly confident now that Bryce wasn't actually considering Avery's usefulness and that he really did plan to kill them the entire time. Roman keeps going back to that statement about loyalty, though...

This one's just for fun.

He's not sure what to think about that. He still feels it could have been true...

All that aside, though, the sleeping really is going to become an issue. Roman will probably be fine for a night, maybe two, but he's acutely aware that he is healing. Healing takes energy and rest... He's already exhausted.

What Roman needs is a way to get the image of Avery's body out of his head...

After a while, his thoughts arrive at Lenny.

What would happen to Lenny, in your ideal world?

Roman wishes the question hadn't been asked, but it had. And he can't help but wonder, what would he want to happen to Lenny? Certainly his actions don't equate the same consequences as Avery's. In a way, Roman understands where Lenny was coming from. A place of grief. A place of anger. Roman would have been upset to interact with someone he perceived to be working with Avery too. He's not sure what he would have done to that person if he were in a position to have power over them.

Still, the thing that's most upsetting is that Lenny seemed very ready to hurt Roman even before Avery was brought up...

Should anything happen to Lenny? The more Roman thinks about it, the less he thinks Lenny even needs to face punishment for what he did. It won't happen, but Roman mostly just wishes that he could make it clear to Lenny that he was never working with Avery— wouldn't ever have worked with Avery. He... wants an apology, but not really for Lenny to suffer.

Bryce had said, I'll figure it out on my own.

Roman probably doesn't want to know what's going to happen to Lenny...

He starts taking mental note of all his injuries... All the scars, the missing fingers, broken bones...

Hang on a minute...

Kyle had written all of these down already. He had sent a report to Bryce. Bryce had received the report and got alarmingly upset about something on it...

What was it? Did Bryce say he was planning to go over it with Roman..? He had said something about options, right..? He had probably just forgotten and Roman isn't sure he feels comfortable asking about the report, but he is concerned about it...

[libertarian-druid-ny-separatist]

Update: Van located, it's within budget and has literally everything I need except a mattress. Which I have. So I'm selling my desktop soon, after a solid five years together, getting a PO box in the area because I'm not going super nomadic with it. Just around town I've got 5 free lots where I can park 24 hours straight, 3 huge public lots, plenty of hiking trails plus family and friends.

I also started a subscription to Huel for the hot and savory stuff. It's supposedly really good, as long as you get the western hemisphere spicy stuff and the more generally western "meals". I'm still not sure about the stuff, but I'm willing to give it a shot. And it'll be perfect for van life if it actually works out.

Mostly gonna be going between my home town, Saratoga, Vermont, and Plattsburgh. But when you're insulated and already basically known as an icicle because of how you can't stand heat but never get cold, staying up north isn't gonna hurt you.

And I mean, I'm a single guy that likes to be left alone and basically stays in his room any time he's home. When my desktop and TV are sold, I'll be able to live in a 6x6 room. And vans are usually bigger than that.

The hard part is gonna be sewage disposal in the winter, because there's no way in hell I'm camping at a rest stop or truck stop every night. Middle of the woods in the Adirondacks though? Catch me smoking a bowl with Bigfoot up in Whitehall and I'll invite the fucker to do it again tomorrow.

Only downside is that whatever I pick, I'm not gonna be able to renovate it for awhile. No big, but if that special lady decides she wants in, for some unforeseeable reason, then she might not be super happy with it until it is renovated.

And like, I'm potentially only days from doing this. Not weeks, not months, days. Like, potentially as soon as this weekend.

But I'm holding off for now, I still have a fuckload of research to do and I've only barely started. Thankfully there's a few guys at work who already have or are also considering doing this too. So I'm not short on info, I'm good with my hands, and there's plenty of options that come ready to go and under budget. Can't call em fully loaded because, well, most of them don't have showers or toilets. Kinda tbe honestly, the only ones that'll reliably work are expensive as heck to use if you don't have a retailer for the dry flush carts within your radius. Showers for a van are cheap anyway, like $30 for a really good one.

Originally, I was thinking of an RV or bus, but that's just too big for me for everything but head space, which any high top takes care of, but I'd need it insulated for the weather around here. So I've decided that unless one with an insulated high top comes up under budget and isn't beaten to hell, I'm sacrificing the high top for insulation, maybe till spring, which gives me time to insulate it myself, keeping the costs low.

So all in all, this is coming along real fuckin quick. Like, I always hated van drivers as a kid, shit on gas and not especially fun to drive. But that was looking at the Pacifica and Grand Caravan of the early 2000s. Fuckin Astros and Savannahs and Ram Vans, all shit for mileage, but tons of fun off-road. Fuck a sprinter though, I don't wanna tip over or be limited to urban and suburban environments. Plus, despite the tiny space, it's still gonna be more comfortable, cheaper, and more luxurious than a Manhattan apartment for someone my age.

If I decide to go remote with work, I might just take a few road trips to visit some of y'all. Because now that's a real possibility with COVID making a "comeback" apparently (heard that from a coworker, take it with a grain of salt) and remote work just becoming commonplace. I'd be able to be on the road basically 24/7, just find a spot with decent signal and camp out for my shift, then get back on the road or pass out

That said, it'd be awhile before I'd try it. I know this area, the people, the culture, and it's comfortable. So if I keep to the region, I maintain comfort and income. I leave it, and I have no backups, no local knowledge, no herbal knowledge of the region, no insect/animal knowledge of the region. Basically I open myself up to a lot more risks. Sure, security is always an issue no matter where I am, but only having to worry about security and sewage dumping is a little different than having to worry about those AND what may or may not be poison.

But I just got my NY fishing licence and ordered a small pole. So there's food around here. Catch some trout for dinner, set up the gas hot plate, and make me some tasty ass herbs and fish. Only applies till fall ends for this year, but good for training for next year.

This opens up a million different possibilities for me, including an exfil if shtf. I'll be down in Baja in a week frying scorpions and catching fish on the beach. And getting just enough to drink won't be hard as long as I have glass, a few sticks, and a tray.

Now I just need a mini reactor so I can really live by my principles. Pull up to a campground and just yell "Who needs power?!"

I think I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna switch to living out of a van or RV, haven't decided which yet but more likely van until my county is a part of VT officially. I've been studying it the last few days and I'm already basically living a van life with more electricity. So if I just get an extra battery and wire them in parallel then I'll be able to with no problems, even fewer if I become a huelegin or however the hell you spell it.

Already got the budget planned for what I currently have available, not selling assets, I should have just enough. But I'll also be selling my desktop and car and likely bike too. Already got permission to park in the 24/7 gym lot and my work lot should I choose to, and there are a couple of public lots in the area with unlimited parking, but no snow removal, but I've also got a friend that'll let me use their driveway or park in front of their place or just use their place if it's really uncomfortable for a night.

Now I just gotta get a quote on plexiglass for the windows and doors, but I'm also between a couple of models to choose from.

[movedtodykedvonte]

hot take: i don't think monty is usually that angry.

this is based on the theory that animatronics get their personalities based on what they are programmed to do.

for example, roxanne is a race car driver, ergo she is competitive and slightly egotistical.

sun is a daycare attendant meant to play with children, so they are hyperactive and engaging.

moon is supposedly tasked with keeping children in line, so they would presumably be more strict.

monty plays golf. it's his whole thing. golf is a laid back sport, that has somewhat complicated rules (? i don't play golf im just basing this off the vibes). so we would expect him to be chill, with perhaps a stricter side. (also have you seen that picture with the core four where he has his glasses off? that man is a lazy animal crossing villager. the first one to open the barbecue. he hangs around the office water cooler. he will look at your kid's baby pictures and pull out his own, except they're like. pictures of his dog when it was a puppy. there is only one thought behind his eyes and its golfball)

let's assume that the glitch virus not only causes victims to be subjected to glitchtrap's control, but will also exacberate the negative flip side of their behaviour.

roxy has self esteem issues from the competitive need to stay in the limelight.

sun is too intense with his energetics ('we can drink faz fanta until our heads EX-PLODE-' )

moon is... y'know.

we could expect monty to get more aggressive, because golf is still a competitive sport and stuff, but it's not as much of a logical leap as the others are? going from being a mostly laid back guy to 'will bite you if you look at him the wrong way' is quite a big step.

so, this new personality shift could have come from external factors, i.e the bonnie incident. for whatever reason, bonnie apparently left for monty's golf course, and then wasn't seen again. i don't think monty necessarily killed him, so much as he went '🧍‍♂️. wh. what are you doing in my house'. (and then stood by out fear of whoever killed bonnie??)

or maybe he did kill him, not out of jealousy, because he perceived him to be a sudden threat (as in bonnie got infected by the virus because glitchtrap felt nostalgic?? idk)

whatever happened, it may have traumatised him. he could have additionally absorbed Bonnie's own angry and terrified feelings as he died (can these new animatronics leave remnants of their own???)

from there it could have snowballed. anger at himself for whatever he did (or didn't do) to bonnie, anger at freddy for being so perfect (those feelings aren't so much 'i already took down bonnie and you are a stepping stone that is annoyingly out of reach' so much as they are 'i have very strong imposter feelings and you seem to be doing better than me, so therefore i will unfairly project these feelings onto you' cus like.

as he replaced bonnie there probably was some uproar because bonnie is an og.

and monty's envy could be 'take your place -> take ur fame' while stubbornly ignoring the fact there would be even more uproar against him and his imposter syndrome would get worse.)

either way, monty is a bastard and i love him

I like this a lot because Bonnie is my favorite animatronic overall in the series but I really like Monty (and Sunrise) in this game.

I do believe Monty had something to do with Bonnie's disappearance but how much of it was malice is questionable. My biggest thing against Monty not being fully responsible is how the notes never mention Monty ever going to the stage or showing hostility until AFTER Bonnie disappeared and he got the upgrades. You'd think he'd be more hostile BEFORE, not after reaching his goal. Monty is never pointed out to show jealousy or odd behavior towards the other performers at all before this. The only odd behavior he does show is being up in the catwalks which are notoriously dangerous but have a good areal view of his golf course.

My first theory is, Bonnie could of had a genuine accident in the golf course, Monty heard but did not see it and stakes out on the catwalks because he's both looking for Bonnie or what caused the accident. The second theory is Monty saw what happened to Bonnie and does not feel safe in his course anymore and stays up high to see possible threats. The third is Monty was tampered with and his first sign of aggression was towards Bonnie who just happened to roam into the golf course and it just got worse.

Whatever the case, I agree that Monty is a bastard and I love him as well <3.

[wibble-wobbegong]

Hopclair Across the Seasons

Official hopclair breakdown is here!! Since we’re returning to S1 dynamics for the final season and Lucas and El’s relationship played a big-ish role in S1, I assume we’re gonna see them play an important role in each other’s stories and the plot as a whole so I wanted to dive into their growth over the seasons so we can really see what direction they’re heading in for the final season. Also I love them so bad which means this one got kinda long lmao. Hopclair fans I hope you enjoy!!

Season 1

For starters, what’s the basis of El and Lucas’ relationship? What are the building blocks?

The first real idea we get for how either of them feel about each other is Lucas’ reaction when Mike brings all of them back to his house after their search for Will;

“There’s something seriously wrong with her. Like, wrong in the head.”

Lucas immediately takes the perspective of the negative thinker here. Though realistic, considering she was someone they found in the woods who doesn’t seem to understand basic life concepts like privacy, he does say they he wanted to leave her out in the rain and continue the search for Will.

When Lucas has a goal, he gets very stubborn and refuses to let anything get in his way. His number one priority was finding Will, similar to Mike, so he didn’t want to side track away from that for some random girl who may have come from the asylum. The very start of Lucas’ relationship with El is a negative one because Lucas views her as someone halting their progress in finding Will — someone doing damage to the party.

The next day, more frustration builds on Lucas’ end after Mike doesn’t show up to school. Both he and Dustin assume it’s because he got caught, but Dustin treats the situation much more light heartedly than Lucas. During that scene we learn two things:

1. Lucas and Mike are really established as closer friends in this scene. The situation is stressing Lucas out much more than it is Dustin, and he gets defensive of Mike when Dustin suggests that he’d get them in trouble too;

“No way, Mike would never rat us out!”

He’s worried about Mike, and that worry is stemming from thinking El is causing more problems.

2. His highest priority is still finding Will and he’s created a very specific image of El in his head;

“All that matters is, after school, the freak will be back in the loony bin and we can focus on what really matters, finding Will.”

Lucas very much so views El as a problem and that feeling only grows after she had not only interrupted their search for Will but also gotten Mike in trouble. That comes back to his protective nature, the way he prioritizes his friends in the same way Mike does. He cares about Will in a similar fashion, too.

Obviously, El mostly goes unaware of most of this. The only perception she has of Lucas right now is that he thinks she’s messed up in the head and that she’s dangerous. It’s not a great start on her end either, though it doesn’t seem like it bothers her too much in the beginning.

When Lucas finds out that Mike had decided to keep El around because she might know about Will, he tries to consider that possibility. He challenges the things Mike is saying because all it’s doing is reaffirming that El is untrustworthy. If El supposedly knows about Will, why wasn’t she telling them? He grabs her, demanding to know if she knows because that’s one of his best friends and all he wants right now is for Will to come home.

As for El, this is where she really sees Lucas for the first time. She’s scared, but she’s also a little pissed at the way Lucas is treating her. When she shuts the door on Lucas, she scares him right back.

Lucas and El are both scared of each other and they’re established as antagonists in each other’s stories. For Lucas, El is stopping him from finding his best friend. For El, Lucas is trying to take away her safety. You can see the fear and the anger in their expressions during this scene;

In the bottom left photo, it’s a little hard to see but the camera is focused on Lucas. His reaction to El slamming the door is the most important one, just as El is focused in while glaring at Lucas.

The thing is, though, that even though this conflict is set up, Lucas and El don’t naturally have an antagonistic dynamic. Later that night, when things have settled down, we see Lucas try to be understanding and explain himself to El. Lucas, by nature, isn’t mean spirited like that; he’s typically a very warm and understanding person. He still doesn’t really like her, but he tries to extend an olive branch after she asks what a friend is, but gets interrupted by Mike.

Without having gotten to connect with her, Lucas keeps his distance still and calls her ‘the weirdo’ rather than her name. He tends not to take her very seriously until Will comes up.

I know I’m focusing heavily on Lucas’ perspective, but that’s because El only seems to be giving her attention to Mike at this point. El’s perspective comes into more focus later on.

This skepticism and protectiveness we see with Lucas continues to be emphasized, but he ends up following El’s guide anyway. Why? Well, Mike is following El and Lucas has a lot of faith in Mike. He’ll challenge him but if Mike really believes in El and really believes he’ll be able to find Will, then Lucas trusts that.

Alright, I think that establishes the building blocks of Hopclair. Lucas wants to find Will, El wants to be safe, and their actions often work in opposition. They have a bit of an antagonistic dynamic, but neither Lucas nor El are acting like that because it’s their nature; they both have very strong motivators that dictate their actions. Lucas is still a kind and understanding person, but he’s loyal to his friends so his priority is finding Will above all else. El is caring and determined, but she doesn’t have the knowledge of relationships to understand his frustration yet.

Where do they go from here? I do think Lucas’ feelings towards El get more complex from here. We see Lucas poke fun at Mike and joke about him marrying her but we also see him scoff at Mike and El talking about the bullying later on. When Dustin said that Lucas was jealous, he was sort of right. It wasn’t just a matter of feeling replaced, though.

Lucas and Mike have a lot of aligning values and although they argue, they seem like they normally understand each other pretty well and get along which is what we see in S3. In the beginning, both Lucas and Mike were dead set on finding Will no matter what — they were on the same page. Lucas expects Mike to understand that they can’t afford to get side-tracked (in his eyes), but instead Mike is sticking with El. I think it felt a bit like a betrayal for Lucas, like Mike really was choosing El over him and Will even if that was far from the truth.

The real turning point is when Lucas realizes El was leading them away from the gate. He doesn’t know the El was genuinely protecting them from something awful, all he knew was that she’d led them away from Will.

“Because she’s a traitor!”

“We’re looking for some stupid monster but did you ever stop to think that maybe she’s the monster?”

That line right there is the start of something for El. That line changed her perception of herself dramatically, and although it’s never directly acknowledged, this absolutely impacted El’s relationship with Lucas.

Lucas and El have a barrier between them. Lucas’ barrier was built from the very start, but this is where El’s barrier comes up. El wants to be the good person we know she is, but she’s just been associated with the monster that she’s terrified of. Even when she saves people over and over, it takes a long time for her to finally realize that she isn’t a monster.

When Lucas finally apologizes, he says he’s sorry for calling her a traitor, that he was wrong for that. What he doesn’t apologize for is calling her a monster. I honestly think he would’ve if he’d known that comment hurt El, but he was saying that to Mike. Regardless, Lucas doesn’t apologize for calling her a monster. Her response?

“Friends don’t lie.”

El has ingested the idea that she’s a monster. At this point, she considers Lucas to be a friend and one of the very first things she learned about the world is that friends don’t lie. Even though Mike tried to tell her she wasn’t a monster, she doesn’t really believe him. This isn’t something Mike is able to solve, as it originates with Lucas and El’s internal turmoil.

By the end of the season, it’s clear that Lucas doesn’t think of El as a monster. She saves him and his friends, even Will, and we know how important that is to him. El has established Lucas as her friend. Yet, those barriers between them aren’t fully broken down. They may be unconscious, but this season has made it hard for them to be as close as the others.

Season 2

For these next three seasons, there’s not nearly as much to talk about. In S2, Lucas and El get three solid moments where their relationship is brought to light.

1. Max brings up El

I think this is a pretty solid representation of where Lucas is at with El right now. Unlike Mike, he’s not aggressively protective over her which is a bit of a contrast to his protectiveness over Will in S1. What’s different from before, though, is the way he describes her. He’s gone from addressing El as the weirdo and thinking of her as a wackjob to using her actual name and using the word different. We see it a little bit at the end of S1, but this shows where he stands after that last day he spent with her.

He definitely comes across as more neutral, and we don’t get to hear how he describes her to Max when he tells the story.

2. El thinking of her friends when she wants to go home

When El finally leaves Chicago, she does so thinking of saving her friends. She says she considers Lucas as a friend in S1, but we don’t really see him or Dustin come into play when she’s thinking this way. Although I’m sure she thought of them, we only specifically see El worrying for her father figures (Hopper and Mike).

El simply hasn’t struck a cord with anyone else to have that deep connection like she has with Hopper and Mike. This contributes to her not really understanding the difference between family and friends yet, which is a major part of her S3 arc.

3. El’s return

What’s interesting about El’s return at the end of the season is that she gets a solo moment with almost every character except Lucas. Obviously there’s Hopper and Mike, but she also points out Dustin’s teeth, ignores Max, hugs Joyce, and goes to see Will.

That barrier that was built in S1 is part of why Lucas and El still aren’t given much depth and it’s definitely intentional. There was a lot of emphasis put on their S1 conflict only to have almost all attention removed from them. They haven’t grown yet, so we’re not really being shown any change.

Lucas and El only exchange one notion and it’s that they missed each other. They don’t really show it much, but I’m sure they missed each other a little bit. It feels a little bit like a casual thing rather than anything full of emotion, but we Lucas smiling at seeing her again too. He definitely experienced at least some grief over her, especially knowing that he was so harsh to her even though she ended up saving the Party. They’re both relieved that the other is okay, y’know?

Season 3

For S3, we get pretty much no interactions between Lucas and El. Lucas tries to help Mike through his break up with her, but that’s much more of Wheelclair than anything regarding how Lucas feels about El personally.

There’s something very important established in S3 for the two of them, though; Max is the person they’re both closest to. Lucas and El hardly know anything about each other if we’re being honest, but for the first time they have a connection. Neither of them are aware of it, but Max is the one thing they have in common, and she’s someone they both love.

Season 4

S4… oh man. This is another season where we don’t get any directly substantial interactions between Lucas and El but this season is the one that sets a bonding arc in motion for them.

Their mutual grief over Max is very explicitly shown even if they haven’t talked to each other about it yet. They were both there when she died. They’re both the reason she’s alive right now, too. Max hid in a happy memory of Lucas long enough for El to get there and El resumed Max’s heartbeat.

Although we don’t see much from them in S4, we have been given a fantastic set up for S5. All the way back in S1, Lucas was never able to make a connection with El because he got interrupted the one time he tried. Now, Lucas and El are connected to Max and both of them love her so, so deeply. We also see El overcome her problem with feeling like a monster because she’s finally learned that that isn’t true. That conflict was never really about Lucas, but it did start with him and it did contribute to that barrier. The things that have kept them distant for so long are starting to crumble, opening an opportunity for them to finally grow.

I would like to note that both Lucas and El spent this season going through solo arcs of self acceptance. Lucas came to learn that he would much rather be a freak than someone like Jason and, at the end of the day, Lucas is a freak just like his friends. He enjoys DND and science and history, but now he seems like he’s willing to embrace that again.

El spent the season learning that she isn’t a monster nor a superhero. One of those barriers I mentioned was El feeling like a monster, but she’s proven to herself that she’s anything but.

Both of these situations are likely gonna overlap in their respective arcs with Mike regarding his sexuality, so he may end up functioning as a connection between them too. Lucas and El both care about Mike a lot, though that definitely isn’t the focus of their S5 arc.

Season 5

Thanks to S4 giving us a beautiful set up and the fact that we’ll be returning to S1 dynamics, I think S5 is really gonna be Lucas and El’s season. In many ways, S5 is being set up in in contrast to S1 with a lot of potential role reversals. We also see this with Lucas and El!

In S1, the Hopclair conflict originates with El and Lucas having different goals that worked against each other. Now, however, they’ve been given the same goal of saving Max. Max is gonna be the force that drives them to work together and finally become real friends.

I think we may see Lucas be the one to reach out to El and build that connection by asking for her help in saving Max once they realize it’s possible. Rather than getting interrupted like he did in S1, Lucas is actually able to connect with El this time. He’s able to offer friendship.

For El, building a deep friendship with Lucas is something I think will be very valuable to her story. El spends every season learning about different types of love, but she’s still yet to have a relationship with a man that isn’t familial. El has learned how to have a real father and real brothers, she’s learned how to embrace herself as a girl and enjoy things like long hair and dresses with Max and in California, and she’s also learned how to love herself.

One of the big things I hope El gets to learn is that you can be close with a boy without him being family or your boyfriend. I think building a proper friendship with Lucas, one without heteronormative pressures, is something that would be great for her character. Being friends with a boy can be just that; friends. That goes back to her relationship with Mike, because what they need to be to each other is friends. Also, El should have close friends outside of Max, no matter how great Max is!!

In opposition to S1, where Lucas and El didn’t understand each other at all, we’re going to finally watch them grow and learn about each other. We haven’t gotten to see them make real progress from their S1 dynamic, so we’ll likely be seeing them do everything they couldn’t before. It’s a perfect set up for them to share memories and bond, work together, become proper friends, and for them to get to save Max.

Basically, Hopclair is gonna get a beautiful arc in S5 where they finally, finally get to overcome their rough history and Lucas will finally get to learn who El truly is, as he still hasn’t even gotten a chance to have a conversation with her and El will get to know the ways in which you can have a deep emotional connection and supportive relationship with a guy without it having to be romantic or paternal. They’ll have each other to confide in, lean on, and learn from in S5. I cannot fucking wait to see it happen.

[i-am-robie]

 Thanks to @coffeeshib​ for letting me steal the amnesia + wife prompt... I couldn’t help myself. This is not what I thought would come out (content warning for canon typical violence and injuries), mostly this is just Kara being a whole entire idiot and Alex facepalming and Lena just being glad Kara is there for her, as her fake wife while she recovers from another quarterly attempt on her life:

“Supergirl! You have to go!” Alex is yelling at her as they roll Lena into the emergency room at National City General, but Kara is rooted to the spot - she can’t look away. Lena is pale, too pale, and there’s blood all over her dress, cuts and scrapes and bruises already blooming on every piece of exposed skin. She isn’t moving, isn’t breathing on her own right now; the only air making its way into her body is through the ambu bag being operated by a nurse, as women and men in scrubs crowd around the moving gurney, shouting orders. And all of that is terrifying enough, but it isn’t the thing that’s paralyzing Kara.

The reason Kara can’t move, the reason that she is barely breathing, is that she can’t hear Lena’s heart.

“Kara.” Alex is closer now, she steps gently in front of her sister, dropping her voice so that no one else can hear her. “Kara, you have to go, they’re getting away.”

“Alex - “ Kara takes a step forward, as if to walk around her sister, to head towards the doors that Lena and the medical team are disappearing behind.

“I know, Kara, I know,” Alex says, gentle and quiet. The doors shut, and Kara’s eyes snap away from it to her sister's face. Alex looks as terrified as Kara feels; she’s wearing an expression Kara has only seen on her before when it’s Kara who’s hurt. “You can’t do anything for her right now. But you can get the guys who did this.” She reaches for Kara’s arm, squeezes - the pressure is grounding. “You need to go. You need to go right now.”

So Kara goes.

__________________

She returns seven hours later, after dropping the men who carried out the attack on Lena at the DEO and declining to help in the interrogation. She nearly killed them, doesn’t think she has the stomach to listen to them talk. She’d still been in the field when the hospital reached out to let her know that they’d been able to stabilize Lena, restarting her heart, but that she hasn’t woken up yet. Alex had relayed the message to her, but now Alex only shakes her head when Kara asks if there are any updates.

Her sister pulls her aside when Kara says that she’s going to hospital to talk to the doctors, telling Kara quietly that she needs to go home and clean off her suit. When Kara looks down, she sees that Alex is right. She’s covered in blood - some of Lena’s, some of it the men she’s apprehended, none of it hers. It makes her want to sob.

But when she gets out of the bathroom after showering, pulling on soft joggers and a hoodie, Kara finds that she can’t settle. Every time she closes her eyes, every time she blinks, she sees Lena’s lifeless body in the rubble that had been her office, can feel Lena in her arms the moment her heart stopped, and the fact that Lena is supposedly stable doesn’t help at all because she hasn’t woken up.

What if she never wakes up?

Suddenly, Kara can’t breathe. Her chest is tight, the walls of her apartment seeming to flex and close in on her. Her heart rate speeds up and she’s taking choked half-breaths, clenching her fists and blinking away tears.

She can’t lose Lena like this, not after she worked so hard to get her back. Kara looks at the clock. It’s just after midnight. This is definitely not visiting-hours at the hospital, and Lena’s not awake anyway - but Kara needs to see her. Needs to know she’s alive.

Needs to hear her heartbeat again.

It’s all of this - the panic, the desperation, the single-minded focus on getting to Lena - that Kara will blame later when she’s trying to explain what happens next in the weeks to come.

The hospital is deserted except for the staff when Kara walks in through the main entrance and goes up to the ICU where she knows Lena will be. She heads straight for the desk at the front of the unit when she arrives, and introduces herself to a nurse before asking if she can see Lena.

“I’m sorry, Ms. Danvers,” the nurse says, and she does sound sorry in the face of Kara’s distress, “visiting hours aren’t until ten a.m.”

A man in a basketball sweatshirt and jeans walks past them, he scans a small badge that says ‘VISITOR’ in capital letters on a machine at the end of the desk, and nods at the nurse before he disappears down the hallway.

“He’s visiting,’ Kara tries, her voice bordering on frantic, “he’s visiting and I need to see her, you don’t understand, I’m not going to be okay if I don’t see her. Please, just let me...”

“I’m so sorry, honey, it’s immediate family only after hours.”

“I’m her wife,” Kara blurts out. “Please. I’m her wife.”

“You’re her…that’s not in the notes…” The nurse trails off, looking down at the computer in front of her.

“I’m her emergency contact, I’m her wife, please.”

““Oh, yes,” the nurse starts nodding, “I do see that marked here, they called you when she came in. Hmmm...Someone clicked the wrong box under ‘relationship to patient.’” She moves her mouse and clicks on something, then looks back up at Kara. “I’ve fixed that for you, Mrs. Danvers. Let me print you out a visitor badge so you can just scan it in next time.

Kara can feel her panic recede a little. She’s going to see Lena. The nurse takes a blank badge and feeds it into an electronic printer. She hands the finished product to Kara, then gets up and gestures for Kara to follow.

“Now,” the nurse starts as she walks Kara down the dark hallway, the lights on half since it’s night, “she looks a little rough, but I assure you, she’s receiving the very best care there is. Normally you would have been called for consent before we initiated the hypothermia protocol, but since she had an advanced directive on file already, the team went ahead and started it.”

Kara’s barely listening to her, has started to strain her ears for the only sound she’s wanted to hear all day. She nearly collapses in relief when she finds it, below the beeping and the whirring and the buzzing of the machines, unlike any other beat in the building. Lena’s heart is steady, slower than usual, slower than Kara’s ever heard it, but it’s there, rhythmically thumping away.

The nurse brings her to a halt in front of a patient room, Lena’s name on the board outside with a bunch of notations that mean nothing to Kara. She’ll ask Alex to translate.

“She’ll be cold to your touch, that’s alright,” the nurse continues. “The key right now is to try to stop or slow any of the damage she’s suffered as a result of going into cardiac arrest. She lost a lot of blood, and her left femur is broken, along with her right ulna, but there are a lot of reasons to be hopeful. We’ll know more in the forty-eight to seventy-two hours once the protocol is complete.”

Kara refuses to think about most of this. Lena is alive. She’s alive and she’s right on the other side of this door. She clears her throat. “How long...how long can I stay?”

“As long as you like, dear. We’ll round on her in the morning and if you’re still here you can talk to the attending. Also, we’ll be in to check on her, but most of the monitoring is electronic since she’s in a medically induced coma for at least the next two days. There’s a chair that reclines by the bedside, I can grab you a blanket?”

“Please,” Kara says. She stops with her hand on the door, turns back to the nurse. “Thank you.” It comes out wobbly.

“Of course.” The nurse smiles at her. “Go on in, I’ll be right back.”

_____________________

Kara’s woken up by the medical team the next morning during rounds, just as the night shift nurse had promised. She blinks awake and rubs at her eyes, stretching and going to stand up when the team enters.

“Hi Mrs. Danvers, we saw you’d arrived,” a tall woman in a white lab coat says, walking over to Kara on the far side of the room and sticking out her hand to shake. “I’m Dr. Sheldon. We’ll do our best to bring you up to speed now, I’m so glad you were able to make it last night.” She gives Kara a warm smile. “Believe it or not, it really does make a difference when patients are supported, even when they aren’t aware of it.”

The team walks her through their care plan for Lena, how long she’ll have to remain like this before they start the re-warming process, what they’re concerned about and what they’ll be looking for. Her arm and femur have been set and immobilized, but it’s likely that the femur will need to be rebroken and repaired surgically if and when Lena does wake up. Given the invasiveness of the procedure, the delicacy of her present condition, and the unknowns about her cognition, that decision will keep.

When they leave, Kara texts Alex. If the doctors think that it will make a difference for Lena’s recovery to have her here, then she’s going to stay. She’s owed time off anyway. This is the best use of it she can think of.

Two hours later, the door opens, and Kara looks up from the bed, relieved to see Alex standing there, holding a backpack with the food and change of clothing Kara asked her to bring.

“Oh gosh, am I glad to see you,” she says, letting go of Lena’s hand and standing up. She walks around the bed to where Alex has stopped.

“Yeah, yeah,” Alex says, and she’s frowning at Kara. “You have some fucking explaining to do.”

“What?” Kara stops abruptly.

“What?” Alex parrots. She narrows her eyes. “Are you being serious…?” At Kara’s confused expression, Alex rolls her eyes and reaches behind her to shut the door. She walks over to Kara, pulling some take out from the bag and handing it to her, before pulling up one of the swivel chairs a doctor had been using.

Kara takes the food and goes back to her seat.

“So?” Alex prompts.

Kara looks up from the styrofoam container, already having broken apart her chopsticks. “So what?”

“What do you mean...Kara!” Kara freezes, chopsticks frozen in midair clutching a piece of kung pao chicken. There is real frustration and confusion in Alex’s voice. “Imagine my surprise when I sign in at the front desk and the nurse says that my sister-in-law is stable right now. Wanna tell me why the fuck you’re playing house to visit your best friend in the hospital?”

Kara sets the chicken down. “Alex…”

“Kara, you have ten seconds to explain why the entire staff thinks you and Lena are married and the answer had better not actually involve marriage or I swear to god I’ll…”

“They wouldn’t let me in to see her!” Kara bursts out. “I got here last night and I needed to see her, Alex, I needed to. And apparently it’s immediate family only and I panicked, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Alex says, pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes. “I know Lena is important to you, but Kara, you could have waited ten hours and seen her.”

“I couldn’t.” Kara looks down at her food, not hungry anymore. “Alex, I couldn’t. I almost had a panic attack after you sent me home last night. I couldn’t wait.”

“Oh kiddo.” Kara looks up at that, all the frustration is gone from Alex’s tone. Her sister lets out a sigh. “Lena’s going to get through this and she’s going to get better. And when she does, you have got to tell her how you feel.”

“She’s my best friend.” Kara’s mouth twists. This is not a new conversation, but the stakes seem higher with Lena in the bed beside her, unconscious and battered.

“She is,” Alex agrees. “But she could be more.”

And oh, Kara wants more with every fiber of her being. But more than that, she wants Lena in her life, wants the easy love and affection they’ve finally gotten back to. And she’s been worried about rocking the boat.

“And by the way,” Alex says, pulling her back to the present, “lying to medical professionals is not a good look.” Kara grimaces and ducks her head.

“I know,” she says, glancing at Lena, the ventilator moving her chest up and down slowly. “But they said it’s good for Lena to have someone here, talking to her, holding her hand, even if she doesn’t know. And you know Lillian isn’t going to do that. And Lex is the one who put her here...just let me do this, okay?”

Alex hums. “You’re so lucky I didn’t blow your secret.”

Kara looks over at her sister. “Thank you.”

“Some of us are actually good at lying under pressure. I’m surprised you didn’t tell them she was married to Supergirl.”

“Well I wasn’t dressed as Supergirl.”

“Thank god for small mercies.”

______________________

Lena doesn’t wake up for the next three days.

In the interim, all of their friends visit, but Alex has already warned them about Kara’s new relationship status and other than Nia’s constant giggles, no one comments. Kara doesn’t leave the hospital. She keeps vigil in the chair, occasionally leaving for short periods of time to go down to the cafeteria, or to stretch her legs.

On day four, Alex convinces her to at least go to the DEO to shower and check in with J’onn about  the duties he and M’gann are covering for her.

She’s just getting ready to head back to the hospital when her phone rings.

“Mrs. Danvers?”

“Yes?”

“This is Dr. Sheldon. Your wife has woken up and she’s being evaluated now by neuro, but we wanted you to know first thing.”

Kara has to sit down in the middle of the DEO, the concrete hard and probably cold underneath her, but it’s better than the alternative, which was just going to be letting her knees give out. She closes her eyes tightly. “I’ll be right there.”

She flies back to the hospital, landing in a nearby alley and running into the building with just a touch of superspeed. She makes it onto the unit just in time to see Lena’s care team leaving her room and turning down the hall to the next patient, and as much as Kara wants to get an update from them, the urge to see Lena herself is too much. She walks through the open door and nearly runs into a nurse, who’s moving some of the equipment out, now that Lena is conscious. It’s a nurse Kara is familiar with, her name is Bernadette, she’s been on shift the last two days. Her eyes light up when she sees Kara.

“Your wife is here,” Bernadette says, over her shoulder before Kara can stop her. She smiles warmly as she turns back to Kara. “I’ll leave you two alone.” She slips past Kara and into the hallway.

“My…” Lena’s eyes go wide as she sees Kara standing helpless in front of the now closed door.  Her voice is still scratchy from the extubation. Her hair is greasy and all over the pillow, her right arm and left leg are completely immobilized, there are wires running through the top of her hospital gown, her whole body a tapestry of garish purples and greens and stitches. But she’s awake. Kara has never felt more relieved in her entire life, but it turns to ice in her veins as Lena struggles to speak, clearly confused. “My - my - oh god.” Her eyes start to fill with tears and Kara panics.

“No, Lena, no, it’s not - “ she starts saying, taking quick steps towards the bed.

“Oh god, oh god, Kara,” Lena chokes out, twisting a little in bed and flinching, “they said I only lost a week, they said my memory seemed okay, that there’s no - ”

“We’re not married!” Kara yells out trying to stop the clear spiral Lena is on. Lena’s eyes go wide, but she does stop looking like she’s about to start sobbing. “We’re not married,” Kara repeats, in a normal voice this time.

“Then why…”

Kara winces. “I might have told the hospital staff that we are. Married, that is.”

Lena looks wary, small and weak and confused in the bed, and she’s frowning a little at Kara now. It doesn’t even matter, though, because the feeling of seeing Lena awake is returning with every word she speaks, and Kara feels something in her chest open up. She has to resist walking over and climbing into bed with her and holding her, knows she needs to explain first.

In every single way Kara played out this moment all week in her head, not once is this how it went - she wants Lena to be smiling, to be okay, or at least as okay as one can be after coming out of a medically induced coma, with a number of near catastrophic injuries still to be dealt with. She certainly didn’t imagine she’d be contributing to the disorientation and isolation Lena’s projecting right now.

Lena’s eyes dart around Kara’s face. Kara takes a deep breath.

“The first night you were here, I had to see you.” She starts twisting her hands together, takes another step towards the bed. “And it was late, and even though I’m your emergency contact, they said no after hours visitors except for family and I panicked.”

“You panicked.” Lena sounds like she’s unsure how panic would lead someone to pretend to be married, and honestly, now that Kara is having to explain the decision, she’s not really sure either. The only thing she knows is that she doesn’t regret it. Would do it again, in fact.

“I knew if they thought I was your wife, they’d let me in to see you. And Lena, I had to see you. I had to. You were - “ Kara cuts herself off, can feel the tightness in her chest, closing around her heart like a vice. “Your heart stopped before I could get you to the hospital. The last time I saw you, I didn’t know if - “ A small sob works it’s way up her throat, and Kara’s eyes are burning. She feels a tear break free from her lashes. “I needed to hear your heartbeat.”

An unreadable expression crosses Lena’s face as Kara takes the seat by her bed that she’s occupied for the last week. To Kara’s great relief, Lena reaches out her left hand, lays it on the edge of the bed, palm up. Kara grabs for it with both of her own.

And Rao, the feeling of Lena’s hand, still cold, but undeniably warmer, squeezing back when Kara grips tightly - she doesn’t know how to describe this feeling. It starts a fresh wave of sobs in her, of relief this time, rather than terror.

“Hey,” Lena says, punctuating it with another flex of her fingers around the back of Kara’s hand. “Hey, I’m okay. I’m here. You saved me. I’m okay, see?”

And really, that just makes Kara cry harder.

“I’m supposed to be comforting you,” she chokes out.

“You are,” Lena says, disengaging their hands and bringing her fingers up to Kara’s face, wiping at the tears. “You are, god, I was just thrown. I thought...I thought, it doesn't matter what I thought.” She tries to laugh and ends up flinching.

“Oh no, are you okay, should I call the doctor?” Kara immediately reaches forward, lays a hand on Lena’s hip above the sheets and wipes furiously at her face with the other.

“It’s the broken ribs,” Lena grits out, jaw flexing as she drops her hand away from Kara’s face and back onto the bed. “Fuck that hurts.”

“I’m just so glad you’re awake,” Kara says, leaning forward again and brushing some of the hair out of Lena’s face, trying to tuck it behind her ear.

That’s how Bernadette finds them when she returns, Kara gently touching Lena’s forehead, and rubbing her hip, the two of them so close that Kara might as well climb in next to her.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” she says, smiling at the two of them. “The attending would like to pop in with the head of ortho to talk about surgical options for your femur. Should I tell her to come back later?”

Kara moves to stand up, she doesn’t want to delay anything about Lena’s care, but Lena reaches for her hand again, and Kara’s powerless to do anything but lace their fingers together and sit back down.

Lena takes a shallow breath, “Can my wife stay?”

My wife. Hearing it come out of Lena’s mouth does something to Kara that feels a little dangerous, makes the room spin a bit. Her heart feels as if it’s expanding and being squeezed at the same time. My wife. My wife. My wife.

“Of course, she’s more than welcome to stay,” Bernadette says. “It’s probably a good idea, actually, now that there are care decisions to make.”

_____________________

“Let me get this straight,” Alex says, her head in her hands. Kelly reaches out to rub her back. “You’re still pretending to be married, and Lena is playing along with it?”

Kara nods. They’re sitting down in the cafeteria while Lena gets a sponge bath, something that Kara is trying very hard not to think about. It’s been nearly three weeks, one major operation, and thankfully no more complications.

And Kara has been here through it all. She’s started leaving for blocks of time during the day (it turns out she didn’t have a month worth of vacation saved up and Alex had nearly had an aneurysm when Kara asked if she was allowed to use family medical leave act time), but she’s spent nearly every night in the hospital with Lena since. The medical team loves them, has started talking to them about how devoted Kara is. Maybe Kara’s playing into it a little, bringing flowers, and Lena’s favorite foods, and always, always touching her in some way when she’s in the room.

“You know they’re going to build her discharge plan around you, right?” Alex squints at her. “Have you considered that?”

Kara flushes. “Actually,” she brings a hand up to rub at the back of her neck, adjusts her glasses for good measure, “we’ve agreed that I’ll just move in with Lena for a little while. She can hire someone during the day, but I’ll be around at night and I can help with the rehab. So, um, it’s fine.”

“You’re both fucking idiots.”

_________________

“I’ve been home for an hour and I’m already regretting every choice in my life that’s lead to this point. This is humiliating.”

“Oh my gosh,” Kara laughs, “no it isn’t.”

“Kara, you’re washing my hair in the kitchen sink because I can’t even wash myself right now with this fucking cast and brace on.”

Kara grins, squirting shampoo onto her hand and setting the bottle down on the marble countertop. Lena is sitting in the wheelchair, left leg propped up on the supports. She’s leaning back with her head over the edge of the sink, rolled up towels supporting her neck and her eyes are closed. She’s frowning, but it’s the frown she wears when she’s trying too hard not to smile. It makes Kara want to kiss it right off her face. She takes a deep breath, instead.

Kara is just so grateful that she gets to see Lena like this, hair stringy from the hospital, oversize sweatshirt with one sleeve bunched up over the top of the lime green cast on her right arm. The post-surgical femoral fracture brace looks uncomfortable, but Lena hasn’t complained about it at all. So, fine, maybe this nearly debilitating urge to kiss her best friend, to ask her if the last few weeks could be real, instead of fake (not the marriage part, not now, anyway, but the relationship part sure), is getting more and more intrusive. That doesn’t mean Kara can’t continue to ignore it until Lena’s better.

She finishes washing Lena’s hair and if she takes extra time massaging in the conditioner and making sure the water temperature is absolutely perfect, well, that’s just being a good caretaker. She sets Lena up in her bedroom, then goes back to the kitchen to clean up 

“Ok, Lena,” Kara says, walking back into the bedroom. “You officially have zero edible things in your apartment. I’m going to make a list and head to the grocery store for supplies, ok? Your next meds can’t be taken on an empty stomach.”

“You’re underestimating my iron constitution.” Lena frowns unhappily in bed. “We can just order some, you don’t have to go.”

“I’ll be back in a jiffy, okay?” Kara smiles at Lena.

Sure, they could order groceries, but she wants to go get them, to pick them out herself, and bring them back. It makes her feel so good to be able to do things like this: wash her hair, go get groceries, make her something to eat. The best part of this whole terrible ordeal is that she’s gotten to take care of Lena, to show her, not just tell her, how important she is to Kara. It warms her up from the inside out.

“You sure I’m allowed to be by myself?” Lena teases, breaking Kara out of her thoughts. “I haven’t been left to my own devices in weeks now. Just imagine all the trouble I could get into.” She raises an eyebrow.

Kara laughs and shakes her head, drawn closer to Lena like a magnet. Lena’s tucked into bed, leg propped up on pillows to keep the brace comfortable, two books on the nightstand beside her, a glass of water within easy reach, and the next round of medications in a small porcelain bowl that Kara repurposed from the kitchen. Her hair is still wet from being washed, and although there are dark circles around her eyes, and her cheekbones are too sharp from the weight she lost in the hospital, Kara doesn’t think she’s ever seen anything more beautiful than Lena right at this exact moment.

She walks over to the bed and sits down next to Lena, reaching over to move the glass of water back from the edge of the nightstand and onto a coaster. “You’re going to be fine. I’ll bet you a whole order of potstickers that you’re asleep when I get back.” She reaches across Lena, adjusts the towel covering up her pillow to keep it from getting wet.

When she pulls back slightly, she’s startled by how close Lena’s face is to hers. Lena is looking at her with such unadulterated fondness, that Kara can’t help reaching up and tucking a wet tendril of hair back behind Lena’s ear. “I’ll be back so soon you won’t even know I was gone.”

“I always know when you’re gone,” Lena says, the corners of her mouth lifting up, her eyes crinkling lightly. Kara’s hand has drifted from Lena’s ear to the back of her head, her thumb brushing gently at the soft skin just below Lena’s jaw.

When she retells the story of what happens next later, Alex will roll her eyes and mutter under hear breath, but Kara will swear this is the truth: without even thinking about it, she leans forward and kisses Lena on the lips, quick and soft, then stands and turns to go, pulling her phone out of her pocket so she can start making a grocery list.

“You can drop the act now,” Lena says, a little stiffly.

“Huh?” Kara whips around, more at Lena’s tone than at her words, and looks at her in confusion. Lena’s face is bright red.

“Kara, we’re - I’m home, there’s no hospital staff to convince anymore.” She sounds a little upset and Kara, feels her forehead crinkle as she replays the last several seconds in her head: she moved Lena’s water, adjusted the towel behind her head, smoothed Lena’s hair, and…

“Oh Rao, oh gosh.” She takes a step forward, then back abruptly, as she realizes that she’s just kissed Lena on the mouth. She puts one hand on her forehead and the other on her hip, spins in a small circle. “Lena, I’m so sorry. I didn’t - ”

“It’s fine,” Lena says, her voice sounding calm and even now that Kara is having a meltdown, but her heart is doing some sort of high speed gallop in her chest and it’s giving Kara the impression that this is not actually fine.

Oh no, oh gosh… “Lena, I’m sorry, - ”

“I get it.” Lena cuts her off, holding up a hand to stop her. “The whole act, it’s a hard habit to break.” She drops her hand to the bed and laughs lightly, picking at the blanket. “Honestly I’m surprised we made it this long without accidentally doing that.”

“Accidently. Yes.” Kara’s nodding so hard, she feels like her head might come off. “It was an accident.” That might be a convenient way of putting it, but it doesn’t change the fact that Kara’s been wanting to kiss Lena, wants it to be as un-accidental as possible. And aren’t accidents things like tripping on the carpet, or spilling a drink at dinner? She may not have been thinking when she did it, but Kara knows there’s nothing accidental about that kiss.

But Lena’s giving her an out, and Kara can’t bring herself not to take it.

“I’m just going to - ” Kara gestures over her shoulder and then she flees.

“Alex, I kissed her.” Kara’s made it outside the apartment, but her heart hasn’t slowed down. She didn’t even bother making a list after walking out of Lena’s bedroom, just went straight to the elevator, dialing Alex before she’d even hit the lobby. Her stomach is squirmy, she feels like she might throw up.

“Finally,” Alex says, letting out what might be a relieved sigh.

“What do you mean finally?” Kara feels hysterical.

“I mean finally, idiot. Watching the two of you for the past three weeks has been the most painful experience of my life, I’m glad you finally did it.”

“She thinks it was because of the act!” Kara nearly yells. A man walking by looks at her, narrowing his eyes and giving her a wide berth. “She thinks it’s because of the act, Alex!”

There’s silence on the other end of the line for a moment.

“Kara Danvers, are you fucking kidding me right now?”

“No,” Kara wails. “I didn’t even mean to do it! Or, well. I meant to do it, but I didn’t know I was doing it. I was making sure she had everything she needed and then I was leaving to go to the grocery story and somewhere in the middle I kissed her! And she got kinda upset even though she said she wasn’t and she says it’s fine because it was an accident. And it was an accident, at least in the sense that I wasn’t thinking when I did it and god I didn’t even ask if she wanted to kiss me, but I meant it, Alex, I meant it.”

Kara can picture Alex right now: that tight, unhappy expression on her face, fingers pinching her nose between her eyes.

“Okay, I swore to Kelly I wasn’t going to do this, but that was before you lost your damn mind and kissed her.” Kara can hear Alex take a deep breath. “You need to go back upstairs right now and confess, Kara.”

“What?” Kara practically screeches. She spins in a circle. “No, this isn’t the right time. I’m supposed to be helping her, I’m supposed to be taking care of her, I can’t put this on her right now. What if she doesn’t feel the same, what if this ruins everything, what if - “

Thankfully Alex cuts her off. “That argument worked before you kissed her and decided to let her believe you didn’t mean to do it. And before you argue with me, you might not have known you were doing it, but you absolutely meant to do it, Kara.”

Kara is now facing Lena’s apartment and gently knocking her forehead against it.

“Kara, I heard that crack, stop headbutting the building.” Kara stops, keeps her forehead pressed to the cool limestone. Alex pauses, and her voice is gentle when she continues. “You gotta tell her, kiddo. You’ve been down the whole lying path with her before and while I don’t think this is the kind of lie that would cause her to try removing our free-will again, I do think that you guys decided on honesty as your way forward. You either own that, or you don’t.”

“You’re right. I know you’re right.” Kara squeezes her eyes shut. “If we can get through that, we can get through this.”

“That’s the spirit. And hey, if for some reason things don’t go well and you feel like you can’t stay with her? Kelly or I would be happy to swap out for you tonight. Just in case you need some space.”

“Thanks, Alex.”

“But Kara, I think you’re gonna be just fine.”

Kara doesn’t feel much better when she hangs up with Alex, but she knows her sister is right. She’s got to tell Lena.

And to be honest, Kara can’t imagine a world in which Lena would be upset with her for having feelings, regardless of whether they’re reciprocated. They’ll be able to work through this, even if it hurts for a while. She’s had friends fall in love with her before, and she’s always been able to keep them as friends afterwards. God, maybe Winn has some advice for me, she thinks.

So Kara takes a deep breath and goes back inside. Groceries can wait.

She’s trembling when she lets herself back into Lena’s apartment. It’s nerves, anticipation more than anything. She’s about to confess something that she can’t, won’t take back and it will change things between them, even if only for a while.

Lena looks up from her book when Kara makes her way back into the bedroom. She sets it down beside her hip on the bed and cocks her head.

“Well that was fast. Did Supergirl get my groceries?” She gives Kara a smile.

“I’m in love with you.” Well that’s one way to start this conversation. “And I didn’t kiss you accidentally.”

Lena’s smile drops, her eyes widening in surprise. Everything about her seems to freeze.

“Before you say anything, I need to get this out. I’m not telling you because I’m expecting anything. I don’t want anything to change, I mean, I do, clearly, but I don’t if that’s not what you want.” Kara squeezes her eyes shut and looks at the ceiling. She really should have thought this through. “I’ve known for a while, actually, I was just worried about what it might mean, if you didn’t feel the same way.” She drops her gaze back to Lena. “But then you almost died. And I pretended to be your wife. And I was planning on telling you once you’re totally recovered. Except then I kissed you without even thinking about it and I can’t lie about this, Lena. It isn’t good for either of us. So. Yeah. Just. Tell me what you need.”

Lena’s looking at her with an expression Kara can’t read, but she doesn’t look unhappy, or afraid, or upset...

“Kara, do you remember when that nurse told me my wife had shown up?”

“Yes,” Kara says, frowning, because she doesn't understand where Lena is going with this. “Of course I do, you were panicked that you’d experienced severe brain damage.”

Lena shakes her head, pats the space on the bed next to her.

Kara feels a weight lift from her shoulders: no matter how this goes, if Lena is asking her to come closer, then they’re going to be okay. She walks across the carpet.

“You’re right,” Lena says as Kara comes closer, “I was worried, but that wasn’t the only thing that made me panic.”

“What else was it?” Kara sits down and looks at her lap, bringing her hands together to fidget. She can feel Lena’s body heat next to her, but she doesn’t want to reach out unless Lena does it first. “Was it the idea of being married to me?” She laughs. She can laugh about this.

“No, darling,” Lena says. She reaches for Kara’s hands, smoothing her fingers across them to still them. Darling, that’s a good sign, right? “Kara, as terrified as I was that there was more damage, my first thought was that somehow I’d lost memories of us: of you falling in love with me, of dating and first kisses and someone proposing and a wedding.” Lena pauses and Kara stares at their joined hands. She hears more than sees Lena take a deep breath and let it out. “I’ve been in love with you for so long it broke my heart to think that those things had happened and I couldn’t remember them.”

Kara whips her head around to look at Lena. Her best friend is smiling, and her eyes are a little wet like maybe she’s overwhelmed and might cry and oh gosh, does Kara understand that feeling right now.

“You love me,” she says, feeling her own eyes start to fill with tears.

Lena nods.

“You’re in love with me,” Kara can’t help clarifying. This is something out of a dream.

Lena nods again.

“Can I…” Kara reaches for Lena’s face, trails her knuckles down Lena’s cheek and watches in awe as Lena leans into the touch.  “Can I kiss you now?”

“Yes,” Lena breaths out, smiling, and it’s blinding. “But only if it’s not an accident.”