#It's hard to organize that many thoughts

[circular-bircular]

(Want context for this post? Here's the full post that instigated this one!)

I've sent an ask to OP (as their pinned post said to) asking genuinely why my response was hidden. However, I find now that even my main blog (which was the only blog I could send an ask from) is now blocked as well. For those curious, I did forget to screenshot my ask before sending it, but I believe this is akin to what I sent:

Hello, This is circular-bircular. I was wondering if you'd be willing to clarify why my response to your post was hidden and why (I believe) I am now blocked. I've looked at your pinned post, and I am wondering if you consider me to be part of the groups you listed, or maybe you blocked due to my aggression, or perhaps something else? Feel no obligation to answer. Thank you for your time.

It's been frustrating, lately, how users on all sides of these debates refuse to engage with criticism of any kind. But I also acknowledge that it is nobody's job to engage with criticism. OP is in their rights to block, and I am not frustrated about that.

What I am frustrated by is the sheer amount of notes that post got, with not a single other person -- seemingly -- remarking on the ableism in many of the claims.

I want to be able to discuss these things and gain new perspectives. I want to be allowed to be angry and upset about ableism I see, and discuss that ableism clearly, and maybe even learn from others where the flaws in my thinking are. Instead, my responses are hidden, and I feel once more shunted into the quiet corner, never able to be heard, because clearly something I said was wrong -- but nobody sees fit to explain what.

The worst part being, that post was in the disordered tags. That post was in my home; my supposed 'safe space' (though I use that term very, very loosely). It wasn't even meant to be a syscourse post, with "syscourse" not even being originally tagged...

And yet.

In any case -- as the ability to view my impassioned response has been limited, I decided to make my own post, about all of the various thoughts that I have at the moment about everything. Time for yet another long ass post. Word count, ahoy!

Plurality, as we know it today, is a relatively recent term. Plurality formed alongside and well within the CDD communities, and came to be popularized as a term sometime in the mid 90s.

It was coined explicitly to distance from medicalized CDDs. Specifically, it was used by the coiner (whom I believe is the Vicki(s) but I could be mistaken in my timeline here) as an alternative to "multiple." However, many people simply used Plural and Multiple interchangeably.

Equally as important to this history is the fact that, around this same time, Astraea's Web reared its ugly head. Forgive my distaste; however, this is the basis of a lot of the harassment I have faced as a DID system. Astraea's Web is the source of the term "natural multiplicity," and dedicated itself to the idea that MPD was not a disorder at all. While this was more than likely a case of endogenic plurals trying to find a place in a highly medicalized environment, it came at the cost of severe ableism directed toward medicalized systems.

This led directly to the spawning of "survivor multiples" and "empowered multiples," with empowered multiples being the ones who were nondisordered, and survivor multiples being seen as lesser, weaker, and highly dysfunctional. This led to countless amount of pain and suffering for systems of any and all kinds: endogenic, traumagenic, CDD, plural, and anywhere between. The Natural Multiplicity Movement, which called for systems to boycott the DID diagnosis altogether, really kicked off in the early 2000s, and led to countless conflicts with medicalized systems who fought hard to be recognized with the disorder they had.

Therefore, the claim that the sorts of Syscourse Divisions we see in modern day -- pro-endo VS anti-endo, traumagenic VS endogenic -- is a problem unique to the last decade is false. This dichotomy has existed far longer than that. I still consider this a recent issue (it happened within my lifetime, sadly), but to say that it started with the change from MPD to DID is inherently erasing the history many systems went through. Again, on all sides; the ableism CDD systems faced was happening at the same time as the ableism endogenic systems faced. It was just different breeds of the same problem.

Now, it is correct to state that endogenic as a term was not popularized before 2014; it was coined that year by a system by the name of Lunastus Co (then the Trashcan Collective, if I recall correctly). While I have certainly been vocal about my feelings regarding the term endogenic, they really don't have a place on this post; it suffices to say that endogenic was popularized to indicate non-trauma based plurality at that time. Similarly, traumagenic was popularized to indicate trauma based plurality at this time.

As an aside... reading the post I've found on the coining of endogenic, it's something I genuinely love. It's an unfortunate circumstance the commonalities endogenous and, well endogenous (Freud) share, but overall, I'm supremely jealous I'm not an older system who got to experience the joy of the endogenic community, and instead experienced so much hate.

This did create an uproar in the community, with quite a large division between traumagenic and endogenic systems. Similar to when any label is created, to be honest. The term endogeinc was very clearly meant to replace natural/healthy multiplicity, as the terminology was seen as offensive to traumagenic systems striving for recovery, indicating they were somehow "unnatural." This created even further divisions and divides between communities, something I believe Lunastus has lamented in recent years.

The claims against endogenic systems are numerous; as are the claims against traumagenic systems. As the dichotomy has always been, seemingly, Disordered VS Non-disordered and Trauma VS Non-trauma, it became easy to classify every struggle under that lens. That is where my history in syscourse comes into play, where I was fakeclaimed repeatedly, but moreso by endogenic systems, simply due to being traumagenic.

I was told repeatedly that saying I had DID was ableist, because DID was coined by an ableist man. This has already been debunked -- here's the most recent debunk, done by our lovely pluraldeepdive, as always. I was also told repeatedly that I couldn't have DID, for many reasons: because I was born rich, because my parents loved me, because I owned a freaking gamecube of all things. All of those to say: Endogenic systems frequently told me I was not traumatized enough to have DID.

Don't worry -- anti-endos don't get cut slack here either. Being told "if you really had DID, you'd be put in a mental hospital and raped repeatedly by the staff" certainly did not help me get confidence in reaching out to my life-saving therapist.

But the fact is, I was harassed more my endogenic systems and/or pro-endo systems than by traumagenic and/or anti-endo systems. The fact that I was harassed by any of them is already sheer ridiculousness.

Alright -- why the trauma rambling? The point here was, the ableism I faced, simply for being openly a DID system (mind you, who identified as pro-endo at the time) is still running rampant today.

Reading through LB Lee's two essays that were linked on the original post (at the top of this ramble), I was shocked to discover the same rhetoric I had been faced with repeatedly in all my years of syscourse. That traumagenic VS endogenic is an "internal pecking order so as to feel superior to each other" (rather than origin labels many use as liberally as LGBT+ labels). That disordered multiples "have a culture of overly deferring to their healthcare team: never making a move without asking the doc’s opinion, treating therapists as their parent replacements, relying on their shrinks for things they should really learn to do themselves, such as taking care of their internal children" -- this idea that all traumagenic systems are completely dysfunctional and unable to care for themselves. Continued onto the next lines immediately with "I met multiples who had been in care for decades, never improving, never seeming to learn any skills, but still absolutely enamored of their brilliant therapist (who they apparently couldn’t function without). These weren’t children either; these were people old enough to be my parents or grandparents!" This constant idea that you can examine someone else's systemhood and determine if they are healing "correctly" or not...

"I have seen no indication that traumagenic multiples, actually want to do those things, despite all their blathering about ableism."

This ableism comes from somewhere. The ableism I "blather" about has a source.

Sigh.

I don't have the energy to go through all of the article again, but it's heinous. It was horrifically offensive to me, even if I DO agree with many of the points it made! And that's likely because I have seen the same rhetoric over and over and over again, used against DID systems.

And it is still used consistently today.

As recently as the past 4 years, one of the OSDDID subreddits -- a meme one I believe -- completely combusted because some people made memes that were against endogeinc systems. Yet again, more syscourse bullshit. One of the moderators posted a big long ramble about how all anti-endos are just experiencing "traumagenic embitterment." This idea that all traumagenic systems who hate endogenic systems are just bitter to see "someone else doing better than them." I see this take frequently in plural and endogenic tags.

As recently as last year I saw endogenic systems calling for the removal of DID as a label entirely. Don't believe me?

Abolish all diagnostic terms! They're harmful!!

<- Is a system who feels most comfortable identifying with diagnostic terms.

As recently as maybe 4 months ago, I had to convince an endogenic system that saying RAMCOA was just "trumped up Satanic Temple bullshit" and was often "moral panic" was horrifically ableist. This was while another endogenic system bemoaned how they "couldn't believe anyone could ever do something so horrible" as RAMCOA.

As recently as last month, a friend of mine was rewriting an article about fusion, the original wording of which is firmly against final fusion and demonizes it. Said friend has repeatedly been called a sysmed for... defending final fusion and the ToSD for CDD systems.

As recently as yesterday, I was working on my debunk of a Power to the Plurals article that someone sent me in April, one that depicts the ToSD as inherently ableist and bad because... reasons? Mind you, the ToSD is the most prominent theory of how DID forms.

And then, as recently as today, I am trying to explain to someone who posted in the dissociative identity disorder tag with tags that I agree with, with points that I agree with, why the post they made about the "Bible of Psychiatry" was ableist and offensive. What a shame they've blocked me and likely will not be seeing this post, continuing to be ableist elsewhere.

All in the name of activism.

Ableism against DID systems is alive and well. I wish people would understand that. I wish people would see how pitying me in the plural spaces I'm in comes off as infantile. I wish people would see how "debunking" the most prominent theories and healing methods of DID is only hurting those of us who do align to them. I wish people would be willing to acknowledge the hurt they cause more readily.

And I wish that, as a DID system, I didn't have to become a historian on endogenic as a term, as a community, and as a personal source of pain.

Does this all make sense?

[th3e-m4ng0]

blub blub

their actual colors

[flamemons]

It's alright to scream

I'm screaming too

Why'd you think I do the things I do?

For shadows haunted me like ghosts

So I became what I feared the most

I conduct fear like electricity

A manmade monstrosity

Killer — The Hoosiers

i woke up from a nap with this song stuck in my head and. yea

[voldheart]

Wait wait I just scrolled by a mutual that reblogged your Godseeker-Comic. Is that an AU? Is there more of this? This is so interesting! I have never seen Godseeker turning to be a part of Void. Mostly just always getting killed by it.

I hope you're doing more with this concept in one way or another because this is a really interesting idea!

ouuu thank you 🥺❤️ its not really an au, its more like my interpretation of a continuation to the embrace the void ending!! :D I think most people are not aware that she canonically doesnt die, and take the ending at face value.... its kind of hard to explain for me since even i am not 100% sure what exactly happens lol but i like to think that theyre perpetually linked or fused together in some weird way. and i feel that this result is pretty intentional from both sides.

Godseeker mentions that they seek gods to "clutch at their greatness and immortality", which i assume that with 'clutch' she means that these traits would be shared with the Godseekers through the "Godly focus" thing. And the knight, besides the fact that it proved its strenght against the local strongest beings, it posesses (via the Void Heart) the void under its will, which is literally said to be an "eternal" force that "denies time", ie immortal.

and this union of sorts would be beneficial for the knight as well, as it can go into Holy Beast mode at just about anytime it wants, which is a really awesome powerup if u ask me. That and also (in my headcanon) it does like her. very much :-)

[averlym]

"one day, i cut him an apple. when he saw it, he laughed" (click for better resolution!) ,,, tag from @elliotly

[essektheylyss]

Debating if I should go harder on the classification snob shaming. I think I will let my rant sit in drafts overnight. Make better decisions in the morning lmao.

[jugsjules]

Tbh if netflix had just paid for a normal trailer ad to show up when I was scrolling tumblr, same as the mobile match three ads or the ai anime boyfriend chatbots, i probably would have barely noticed. But if one piece started trending on its own bc folks were watching it and talking about it being good, I’d probably go “huh, i wasn’t into the anime, but that was more about the art and the pacing, maybe the live action show will suit me better”

Instead, mobile has been oversaturated with the logo and the character tabs and the promoted posts from netflix and the trailer and apparently on desktop people are being harangued by a clown??? So all I see is people going “I am sick of seeing one piece” and all i’m feeling is “i would like to stop seeing one piece” and that’s BEFORE factoring in that the only reason netflix has resorted to marketing like this is bc they are desperate to gain traction in the ongoing strikes and tumblr is enabling them, against the spirit of the striking workers

now to a lot of tumblr users, their association with the one piece live action is “oh yeah that’s the show that kept trying to corner me in an elevator on tumblr during a strike”

I haven’t seen a marketing campaign backfire so completely since the itunes u2 incident tbh

[featherymainffins]

I think it's a hatecrime against me that there aren't any slugs as big as the giant African snail. Why do the snails get to have all the fun I just want a giant slime noodle.

[burnsopale]

Same anon as before! I'm glad the ask was helpful, but I totally share your frustration with Orczy's take. Like... I guess there's an argument that she always meant for him to be a Marquis, since she named him after one, but I just cannot reconcile Chauvelin's character in TSP with how he's written in TEP. This is the same guy who 1.) fervently wanted all aristocrats dead and 2.) was openly fantasising about the Pimpernel's death by guillotine? And now suddenly he's a sensitive noble who's disgusted by having to spend time around the bloodthirsty revolutionaries? The way she describes it as him having "cast his lot" with the Revolution in that bit makes it seem like he doesn't even believe that much in it, and like he's only going after Percy now for his own wounded pride, and it's just... ugh. It doesn't match with him in TSP at all. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one frustrated. But I'm really enjoying your fic writing so far, so if anyone can spin this part of his backstory into something good, I've got faith in you!

Yeah, it's ... it's ... I dunno. I do have to finish Elusive and also probably read TSP again to speak more confidently about this, not to mention that I haven't read Eldorado yet, but ...

Our comfort and our frustration is that Orczy wrote this series over the course of about 40 years, and did not care about continuity, which means that the series is messy in a lot of ways, including characterisation and themes, and you kinda have to pick and choose what you care about. Like, Triumph (1922) and Sir Percy Hits Back (1927) can't even exist on the same timeline, and basically offer the reader two different endings for Chauvelin, so it's a pick-your-own-adventure!

The messiness means that Chauvelin being an aristo is good because

it's an example of an aristo who chose to abandon his title and fight for the cause of the third estate, taking the edge off Orczy's worship of the nobility

it's an example of an evil aristo, also taking the edge off Orczy's worship of the nobility, just from a different angle

But these two things work against each other, and Orczy probably didn't intend either of the effects.

Also it's bad that he's an aristo because giving Chauvlin money and a title reduces the massive power-discrepancy between him and Percy which made Chauvelin somewhat of an underdog and therefore more sympathetic (though he's obviously still very much the bad guy). So we get less representation of the third estate within the recurring cast, but on the other hand, it's less negative representation. All of these things are true at the same time, and my head is spinning.

As for Chauvelin being after the Scarlet Pimpernel for personal revenge, I like that, because it's a classic nemesis-thing, where the villain tends to be personally obsessed with the hero, and it leads to such a tragic and juicy ending for Sir Percy hits back, but I also love that Chauvelin is contrasted to many of his colleagues in that he is genuinely in this for the cause, not for personal power (though he does enjoy it) or for blood-thirst. It makes him a more complex villain. And I think those two things can co-exist and even make each other more interesting, for instance if his personal vendetta makes him lose sight of the cause, only for his obsession with Percy to give Percy the power to shame him into opening his eyes in SPHB. There is potential there.

[rawliverandgoronspice]

the zoras are keeping me from finishing my outline, I don't know how to fit these damn fish with the rest of the story and it's!!!!!! frustrating

[sharkneto]

Really random ask but i just thought of something interesting; if the commission exists in Number’s timeline, how would he react if they gave him a job offer?? (before the events of HIT, he has no idea what the commission is)

i just wanna know how number would react to the commission? i imagine he’d consider saying yes for a tour of this Really Cool Time Travel Organization, but at the same time he’d absolutely hate them.

This has been sitting in my inbox for a while (sorry) and it's partly because I'm bad at answering asks and partly because... I never fucking considered this? And it's such a fun and interesting what-if, too! What if Number got recruited by the Commission?

So, the Commission of course exists in Number's timeline - it exists in all timelines - but the canon reason they don't bother Number is 1) apocalypse is still on and 2) when things change enough for his branch to be on their radar, Five is causing them so many problems they don't have resources to divert and fix it and it's a "we'll get to it after we deal with Five" (which they never get a chance to do because Five keeps causing them problems and destroying their resources).

But if the Commission had been smarter, they should have gone to tap Number before he ran into Five again and before they tried blackmailing Five into a contract. It's an obvious solution - they know the kind of stellar work Five can do, and their Five is all jaded and too broken from them leaving him in the apocalypse for too long (oops) to control properly. That's a dud, but maybe this younger version of him is workable - controllable via inexperience rather than destroyed will?

From Number's end, I think he'd be wildly curious and initially interested. Shifting Mirrors Five was a secret agent for years in no small part because he thought it was cool. Time Agent is *even cooler* than secret agent. And he knows about Time! These guys know about Time! He could learn so much! He could be a Time Agent. Before he learned more about it, I think he'd kind of make a plan of "finish my degree with Sarah and then go do this for a bit before coming back and getting my PhD." It's time travel! He doesn't have to miss any time in the real-world, they only want five years, they can't complain that he's putting it off a few months to finish his degree because they can just jump ahead and pick him up then - wins all around.

Where this all falls apart for the Commission is Number has better morals than Five. Five is better at the "a few hundred dead so I can save the world (my family)" rationalization and long game. Number coming in would just be killing people to keep the timeline on its arbitrary track. He doesn't have a "direct" A to B on how this helps him stop the apocalypse (even if the Commission is stringing him along about that). He's pragmatic, he's practical, he fucking hates killing. Any solution that doesn't involve a life being lost, he's going to take it (Marcus only dies by his hand because he misestimated how heavy the dumpster was going to be and didn't have time to recalculate if that was going to be survivable for poor Marcus, he regrets grunts dying in the big living room battle and none are killed by him. In the alternate timeline, Carmichael only dies by his foot because Carmichael just killed Five and Rob and Sarah are in direct danger from him). Number is not going to play their game, is going to look at how they keep the timelines managed and say "that's bullshit".

So you absolutely nailed it - he would absolutely want a tour of the time organization, want to know all about what they're doing and how they do it and think it's so neat --- right up until he learns about Corrections and how their entire operation hinges on incidental murders to keep the timeline neat and orderly to their arbitrary criteria. And then he'd want to destroy them brick by brick.

[pacific-coast-hockey]

List of dudes my friend Lesa got photographic evidence of Pride tape in the warm ups: Agozzino, Peterson, Coe, Cicek, Mann, Viel, Vincent, Bordeleau. They said there may have been a couple more with tape at the top of their sticks that they didn't see, so I'm just listing the photos.

@whoredeleau also discovered that the Sharks added some surprise secret Barracuda (Bordeleau, Agozzino, Dell, Mäkiniemi, Raška, Cicek, Viel, Gushchin) to their GiveSmart campaign of signed Pride jerseys so go check out that campaign too.

[enthesea]

going to put all the albums that came out this year that i like in one big playlist and try to do a top 5 albums of the year list in december

[fakeuwus]

if anyone was wondering i had a super busy weekend so couldnt rlly do much w/ understand but i have a 4 day weekend coming up so ill put out 1 to 2 chapters look forward to it<33

totally not experiencing a mini writer's block and not second guessing where it goes next ...

[raspberryjellybrains]

I've been thinking a lot lately about Delirium and the way she speaks. She talks around a concept, never hitting it head on but glancing off through a series of metaphors and related concepts that explain things far better than wording them straight might. It's very relatable, and I think that's why I like her; that's how I think.

To me, the world isn't composed of precisely defined concepts but a series of interconnected existences which can all, ultimately, be related to each other. I also experience things in the incredibly specific manner Delirium seems to. I have sensitivities largely untethered from aversions, meaning that while I don't often find things deeply unpleasant or intolerable, I still experience them with an unusual specificity which often defies concise explanation. The best way I can convey certain feelings or experiences is through other feelings, experiences, and concepts to weave together a series of approximations that through their similar and dissimilar traits narrow down to what I'm trying to describe. Delirium does this too, and it's treated as a part of her that's no better or worse than any other. There are those that don't understand and those that do, and those that at least try to are awarded for their efforts because finally and most importantly, she genuinely has something to say. Her speech patterns are deceptively rambling because she takes a long time to say what she means to say, while simultaneously saying exactly it.

Delirium is neurodivergent coded in such a cathartic way because of this. I feel her frustration and joy because I know what it's like to be the person trying to explain something that has no words to assign, asking all of the time if there's a word for what she's feeling as a rhetorical and genuine question so that she can explain something without explaining it and call into question why we feel everything must be precisely laid in the place of as few words as possible. She is incredibly intelligent, but loses track of all of what's happening in a far more obvious way than most because there's just so much to keep track of, which is also very relatable as a neurodivergent person. Without putting labels on the experience, she perfectly captures it. I just... I like Delirium quite a lot, and think she'd be very good at post-modern literature.

[seasaltandcopper]

gonna this try thing where I actually upload my oc doodles here so I have an excuse to ramble about these guys and maybe someday trick more people into loving them too

Pov you just wandered into a dark alley and see this feral dude lurking by some garbage bins, wyd? (yeah this was just a random warmup, like I'm not saying Mal wouldn't end up in this situation but there was no specific story for it this time)

Mal and Fiona, moments before they embark on late-night shenanigans. he does also know how to do basic math he's just being a dumbass