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tea-stained-notes · 1 month ago

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Steve Rogers x OFC - Waiting On a Miracle, Chapter 8

After catching an infamous serial killer in the act, Julie Castillo is in line for the witness protection program. She is sent to a temporary safe house with U.S. Marshal Steve Rogers to protect her. Both of them scarred by trauma and tragedy, they find solace in each other. But how far will they dare to go?

Is this the quickest update ever on this story? Gee, might even actually finish this before Christmas 😅

Series warnings: violence, death, angst, trauma, smut

Chapter warnings: anxiety, trauma

Chapter word count: ~2800

Song(s) referenced: -

When I woke the bed was cold and empty. He hadn't slept here. Maybe hadn't slept all. Tension immediately returned to my well-rested body. I pressed my eyes shut and turned into the pillow to inhale the faint remnants of his scent. But seconds later I practically jumped out of bed, overwhelmed by the hurricane of emotions whirling in my chest. With trembling fingers I cracked the window open and deeply inhaled the crisp November air. It did little to soothe my anxiety. I wished desperately that we could be normal. That I could pick his discarded shirt up off the floor, slip it on and join him in the kitchen to steal a kiss at the stove. But his clothes were gone, not a trace of his presence, of the absolute wonder last night had been. So I dressed in my leggings and woolen sweater instead. Voices were drifting down the hallway when I opened my door and I followed them, my heart sinking. Then it dropped into my stomach like a rock. Steve was not just awake and clad in his sleek Marshal attire, his bags also stood packed by the door. Panic rose in my throat. No. Not yet, not today. “Mornin’, sleepyhead.” Natasha stepped into my vision, giving me a casual wave and a strangely wistful smile. “Stevie over here doesn't seem too happy about it, but I'm hoping you are: They've caught Parker. And everyone's certain he didn't have any lackeys, so you're safe to return home. Yay for civilization.” She made a weak attempt at jazz hands, then lowered them at the expression on my face. My eyes flew to Steve but his were fixed on the kitchen counter, dark shadows beneath them. “Wow,” I managed to press out. “I know you guys have been having a pretty cozy time here. So I thought we could all have a nice farewell breakfast before getting on the road. Rogers and I are gonna get cracking on that while you pack, okay?” I needed a moment before I could croak out a reply. “Yeah. Sounds great. Thanks, Nat.” Steve still wouldn't meet my eye, so I mechanically turned on my heels and stumbled back to my room.

When I slumped into a chair twenty minutes later, I couldn’t help staring at Steve. He looked so different. Almost foreign. His slicked-back hair, clean-shaven jaw, the sharp lines of his leather jacket. I had grown so used to his warm softness that it had overwritten the first impression from a month ago. Seeing him morph back into his professional self overnight was jarring. But it had the exact effect he had apparently aimed for: He seemed nothing like the man I had given my body and soul to just hours ago. “Help yourself,” he mumbled at no one in particular. “Don’t mind if I do!” Natasha shoveled a waffle, scrambled eggs and fruit onto her plate. I took some eggs and toast, just to push them around aimlessly. “So, Julie, what are you looking forward to the most when you get back home? Privacy? Take-out? Your phone?” Her grin would have been infectious on any other day. I managed a weak smile. “Seeing my friends, actually. I’ve missed them more than I had imagined.” “That’s good. We all need people.” Her eyes flicked to Steve but he was busy crushing a waffle into crumbs. “What about you?” I asked. “Huh?” His gaze shot up. “Oh… Nothing in particular.” “Really?” Natasha pressed. “City boy was perfectly content in the middle of nowhere?” “Well, I am looking forward to not being teased by you, Romanoff.” She just laughed. “You’re gonna miss me, you always do.” Breakfast went on like that and somewhere along the way I managed to get down a couple of bites. Steve ate nothing at all.

“Right then, you guys go take off. I’ll do a last check and wait for the cleaner.” “Oh, okay. Thank you.” Natasha winked at me. “It’s just so that I get so snatch all the left-over food. I saw Steve’s famous Bami goreng in the fridge — can’t wait for that.” We glanced over at him loading our luggage into the trunk. “Thanks for everything, Nat,” I said with my first earnest smile of that day. “You’ve been great.” “Bye, Julie. It’s been a pleasure.” She gave me a brief but forceful hug and whispered into my ear. “Don't give up too easily.” I searched her eyes for an explanation when she pulled back. But she just smiled and gently pushed me towards the car. “Stevie? A word?” He sighed, then walked up to her while I got into the car. The sweet expression on her face vanished immediately. She spoke intently, holding onto his arms as if to shake him. His responses were monosyllabic at best and eventually she just exhaled in frustration before embracing him. I tried to burn the image of the cabin into my brain as Steve approached the car. Despite the awful sensation in my stomach I never wanted to forget this place and all the memories inside its walls. I flinched when he ripped the door open. “Have a safe trip, kids!” Natasha called out. “You, too.” Steve raised a hand while folding himself into the driver's seat. She waved us off as we backed down the driveway. The silence in the car coated us like concrete. I glanced over at him but his eyes were firmly on the road. After a few minutes I couldn’t bear it anymore. “Can we talk about last—“ “I don't think that's a good idea,” he cut me off. My features slipped. What on earth had happened to the man I had grown so intimately acquainted with? “Well, I think it is. We can't ignore everything between us just because we had to leave the cabin.” “Julie…” All of a sudden he sounded endlessly exhausted and my heart contracted in pain. I inched my hand closer to his one resting on his thigh. If only we could find our connection again. But before I could reach him he pulled away. I burrowed my teeth in my bottom lip to stop it from quivering. A long moment passed before I dared to speak again. “Can we please stop by my dad's?” “We really don’t have the t—“ “Don't. Don't refuse to do this one thing for me.” Tears were pricking at my eyes and I tried to blink them away while staring at the road stretching before us. “I just really need to see my dad. Please.” I hated my voice for breaking so pathetically but it did do the trick. Steve swallowed audibly, then nodded. “One hour. That's all I can give you.” “Okay.” He punched the address into the GPS without another word from me, my entire file seemingly still stored in his memory. How could a person care so much and yet be so careless with another’s heart?

My dad ripped open the front door before I had fully exited the car. “Julie! Cariño, what are you doing here? What happened?” I couldn’t help the tears forming in my eyes once more. When had I last seen him? Christmas? What had he ever done to deserve me avoiding him just because I never stopped searching for accusation in his face whenever he looked at me? I ran up to him and threw myself into the most familiar arms in the world. “Hi, papi,” I sniffed into his cardigan. He held me tightly, rubbing his hands over my back. “I’ve been so worried, I haven’t heard from you in a month.” “I know, I’m sorry.” Eventually he loosened our embrace to hold me at arm’s length and inspect me in detail. “You look sad, mija. And you’ve changed your hair.” “Yeah. You never liked the blond, I know.” He shrugged. “I just didn’t feel that it was really you.” Then he finally looked at Steve, lips stretching into a surprised smile. “Who’s your friend?” I inhaled deeply. “That’s a long story.” “Steven Rogers.” He walked up to shake my father’s hand. “Pleasure to meet you.” “I’m sure the pleasure’s all mine, son.” My heart ached at their greeting. In a different version of this story I would be beaming up at Steve, snuggled into his side and endlessly happy to introduce him to the other most important man in my life. “Can you wait out here, please?” He frowned. “You're still under my protection.” “Parker is behind bars.” “Still.” There was something behind his firm professionalism. A silent plea in his eyes that made me bite my tongue. “Fine. You can wait in the living room.” “Julie, don’t be rude,” my dad chimed in, confusion etched into his features. “Of course he can—“ “We need to talk, papá. Just the two of us.”

“Wow.” My father leaned back in his chair. “God, I can’t believe this is what you’ve been dealing with the past few weeks.” “Yeah. I’m gonna need a while to process when I get home.” “Cariño, I’m so sorry that I didn’t know—“ “Don’t be silly, papi. You had no way of knowing.” “But you shouldn’t have had to carry that burden all by yourself…” His eyes started welling up as he reached for my hands and my stomach clenched painfully. “I didn’t. Steve was there.” “Right. Of course. Did he take good care of you?” Yes. He was perfect. Until he built an impenetrable fortress around his heart. “Julie?” Steve cleared his throat behind me. “I’m afraid we have to go. They’re expecting us at the station.” He set down the glass of water my father had forced upon him. Rafael Castillo, the most gracious host I knew, had been extremely anxious at the lack of hospitality he had been allowed to show his guest. So he had provided him with refreshments, magazines, the TV remote and the most comfortable chair in the room before finally joining me at the kitchen table. “Two minutes. Please.” His gaze softened infinitesimally. “I’ll wait in the hallway.” My father caught my gaze when Steve had left again. “I can see that he did.” “What?” “Take good care of you.” I smiled ruefully. “That’s another long story.” “Is he part of the reason you’ve changed, mija? You seem different.” My hand found his and squeezed tightly. “Will you come visit me soon? It’s been way too long. And I’d really… I’d really like to talk about everything. About mamá.” His brows shot up in surprise, then melted into the most gentle expression. “Of course, amor. I’d love to.” He reluctantly led me outside, pushing some snacks and a thermos of tea into my arms. Then he shook Steve’s hand again, this time amicably clutching his arm as well. “Get her home safely, son.” “I will, sir. Thank you for the hospitality.” “The least I could do for the man who’s been looking after my daughter.” They exchanged a smile before Steve got in the car. My father enveloped me in a hug. “Estoy muy orgulloso de ti, Julie. Y tu madre también lo está.” I held him even closer. “Gracias, papi.”

The music from the car speakers didn’t gloss over the quiet tension once more filling the car. Neither of us could muster up the energy to engage in small talk. And I still had no idea how to bridge the chasm between us. When we finally pulled up to the station, relief mingled with the ache in my chest. Yet the idea of leaving his side was more unfathomable than ever. Suddenly his fingers touched my arm, sending a spark of electricity straight to my heart. “Julie, you didn’t… You didn’t bring up what happened between us to your dad, right?” I stared at him in disbelief. “Yeah, sure, after everything I’ve been through, that was the first thing that came up. And since things are so easy between us I told him we’d get married, too.” Steve swallowed thickly, drawing back his hand. “I’m sorry, it’s just… It was obviously highly unprofessional and—“ “I won’t tell anyone,” I said, biting back my pain when I saw the misery in his eyes. “You won’t lose your job because of me.” He took a deep breath. “Thank you.”

Detectives Carter and Okamoto greeted us, then led me into their office for a debrief and another stack of paperwork. I anxiously looked back at Steve but he gave me a reassuring nod. “I’ll be right outside.” And miraculously he was really waiting for me when I stepped back into the hall an hour later. He looked even wearier, his face pale and a few strands of hair out of place. “Ready to go?” “Are you taking me home?” “Yeah.” “It’s just a fifteen minute walk.” For the first time that day he let his eyes linger one mine. “I know.”

Once out on the sidewalk, we fell into step with each other, the city buzzing around us. “God, it’s loud here,” he murmured. “We’ll get used to it again.” “Hmm.” Dusk fell while the minutes passed between us. “Will you come to the trial?” “I’ll probably be on another assignment.” “Oh. Right.” When we finally stopped in front of my building, Steve handed me the bag he had been carrying for me, then inspected the façade with curiosity, as if committing it to memory. But by the time he turned to me he had schooled his features back into careful composure. “Well then.” A light drizzle set in and I instinctively pulled him under the awning with me. Suddenly he was so close I couldn’t breathe, images from the previous night flooding my mind. “So, how can I contact you?” “You can’t.” My stomach dropped. “What?” “I’ve told you—“ “I understand, you need some time to work through this. But you can’t just cut me off, not after everything. Not after last night.“ He sighed deeply. “This wasn’t the last time I had to vanish off the grid for weeks or months at a time. I’d just keep you waiting and worrying. It's not fair to condemn anyone to a life like that. So I don’t really stay in touch with people.” “And I’m just… people?” “Julie…” He looked at me for a long time, a sudden storm of emotions flickering across his features. “You know that I can't.” “All I know is that you are self-sacrificing to a fault. I know that you feel like you have to make up for past mistakes but they weren't your mistakes. Your friends, your sister — they didn't die because of you. I'm not saying you should forget them, but you can't be haunted by their ghosts forever. Wouldn't they want you to be happy instead of giving up your life for strangers?” Both our eyes had filled with tears and when I gently cupped his face in my palm, he leaned into it with a soft exhale. “There are so many ways to help people without losing yourself. We can figure this out together. Please, Steve. I—“ “Don't.” I knew he could see them in my pleading gaze. Those three words that had been weighing heavy on my tongue. And I needed him to hear them, even if he didn't want to. “I love you.” He sucked in a shuddering breath and closed his eyes, a deep frown forming on his forehead. Then his fingers closed around my wrist to pull my hand away. My body turned to ice. “You don’t mean that.” “Steve—” “What you and I had was… intense. But it wasn’t—,” he swallowed heavily, gaze glued to the ground, “love.” The word came out strange, half-broken, tinged with a disdain that made my tears spill over. He took a step back and it felt like he was ripping out my insides in the process. This couldn’t be happening. I had known it would be difficult, but this? This was absurd. “You know how it is,” he mumbled, “being cooped up together in close quarters, with you in such a fragile state after the murder—“ “Don’t you dare!” My hurt morphed into rage within a split-second. “Don’t you fucking dare pretend I’m a hysterical, weak damsel in distress who can’t distinguish between genuine connection and some kind of reversed Stockholm syndrome.” “Jul—” “You kissed me!” I exclaimed. “You can try to fool yourself all you like, but whatever you want to call it, you felt something, too. That’s why you came to my room, why you couldn’t hold back any longer. You can’t possibly claim that last night was just physical, that everything we’ve shared these past few weeks has meant nothing to you.” Steve had once more slipped on a mask of neutrality, not betraying even a flicker of emotion. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. “Take care of yourself, Julie. And try to forget all of this. Please.” The world was spinning around me. “No. Don’t leave, not like this.” He turned around, hiked up the collar of his jacket and started walking. And all I could do was stare after his tall figure, a dark silhouette against the lights of Washington Heights.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

CHAPTER 9

MASTERLIST

Tag List: @multifanworld @peguem-o-pombo-agora @cvanstagram @yslvtre @wandasrogers @littleredone88 @before-we-get-started @sophham @missaprilt23 @chrissusmissus @dvmb-whxre @daddydraco0 @quicksilversthings @thechoosenonecreator @rosellia-hudsons @lokirogersgirl @nekoannie-chan @readawaythereality2 @yal1d @hyperfixationhovel

#steve rogers #steve rogers fanfic #steve rogers fluff #steve rogers smut #soft steve rogers #broadway #musical theatre #musical theater

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glazedsnail · 3 months ago

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Fanbased Fiction Time

We're almost there peeps.

I've gotta say I've not written in 1st person in years (maybe since I was like 15 and writing Twilight derivative stuff cause that's all we were doing at the time). I'm not particularly enjoying it that much?! Like how am I supposed to know stuff? She's clearly as dumb as I am that's the blind leading the blind. She needs a bloody narrator.

(I get back to 3rd person in the next parts 👉👈Not a spoiler, unless?)

Anyway.

ShanexOCFarmer (♀️) 18+ / swear words/substance misuse/explicit/suicide ideation/mention of abuse

Part 1 • Part 2 • Part 3 • Part 4 • Part 5 • Part 6 • Part 7

we're cute as heck omg

That's for illustration purposes only and it helps me recognises each parts/posts cause words are scary I need visuals. I have a vague idea of what Fern looks like and it's not that.

It's like I'm hiding a picture of my family while you read through the book at waterstones or something.

‘Fern, it’s Harvey. I’ll just check on your obs…. Oh for the love of…’

I lazily open my eyes, comfortably nestled in a warmth I don’t recognise, drooling on a green slowly snoring pillow.

‘Haa!’ I scream.

‘What the!’ Shane screams

Harvey very audibly sighs, rubbing his eyes under his glasses sitting on his displeased face.

‘So, all my talks about needing some rest, no, nothing fell in your ear Fern’

‘We did sleep.’

‘Are those your pants on the floor?’

I bite my lip, trying not to laugh. We’re two teenagers caught using our parents’ bed. Except dad is our age, we’re all in our thirties, and I’m recovering from blood loss.

‘I’ll let you…get decent. I’ll make some coffee.’

He swiftly disappears behind the curtain. We laugh awkwardly.

‘Sorry I got you in trouble.’ Shane says, climbing down the bed to grab his discarded clothes.

‘Seems trouble got into me.’ I reply. ‘I could’ve slept forever in…’ I blush, awfully embarrassed ‘your arms’ I eventually say, twisting my fingers.

I don’t know why I’m so flustered. We’ve seen each other in far worse situations than this by now.

He sits back down on the bed, putting on his shoes. ‘Yeah I… I s’ppose it was nice having you in my arms.’

He’s embarrassed too.

The unsaid is heavily floating above our heads. I can tell it will fall on us like a storm.

I need to know about what he said to Marnie. I have to tell him about what Marnie said. I want to be fully honest with him, and receive his honesty back.

What the fuck are we. What the hell can we be. Would “we” ever be a thing anyway.

He puts his hand on mine. Thoughts are racing behind his eyes too.

‘Fern’

‘How do you take your coffee again Fern?’

Harvey comes back in the room at such a predictable moment I’m amazed we’re not all getting cut by a Hallmark advert.

‘Uh. Just milk, thank you.’

He hands Shane a cup of black coffee, gives me mine, and sits down on the chair next to the bed.

‘So’ he starts. ‘I assume Emily was unavailable for deliveries last night.’ He opens the box resting on the bedside table and loudly tuts. ‘You’ve barely eaten anything! Even when I made sure to get your favourite. Fern, please. You need to take your health seriously. If you don’t want to take it from me as a doctor at least take it from me as a friend, alright?’

I nod.

‘I’m sorry, Harvey. I’ll take that home and have some rest.’

‘I’m afraid that’ll need to wait. You should be off to Zuzu city in a couple of hours. I sent all the details last night, they should be expecting you.’

I try to hide a sigh.I can barely afford the MRI let alone the trips to and back from a city I despise.

‘I can drive you there.’

We both turn to Shane who’s been silently sipping on his coffee. ‘That’s very thoughtful of you, Shane.’

I, however, am conflicted.

‘What about work?’

‘Ah who cares. It’s not like Morris can replace me anyway’ he snarkily laughs.

‘What about Marnie?’

‘What about Marnie?’ he asks back, puzzled.

She’s against the very idea of “us”, what if she learns that Shane ditched work to drive me to the city? Everything makes me lean towards her being right.

‘N-nothing.’ I say instead.

Uncomfortable silence falls on us three.

Harvey clears his throat.

‘Well, it’s settled then. I’ll take your observation before releasing you.’

Shane places his empty cup on the bedside table.

‘I can quickly run to your farm to feed the animals and grab you some clothes.’

I look up at him with wet eyes. The way he seems to care hurts me to no end knowing I will have to let him go.

He starts to lean towards me but quickly recovers, clears his throat, and leaves the room.

I’m fidgeting on my coffee cup.

‘So’ Harvey starts, doctor voice away ‘ Shane, heh?’

‘Y-yeah… Who would have thought.’

‘It doesn’t really come as a surprise to me. You have always been attracted to a little bit of challenge.’

‘What?’

‘Remember back in the city. I think it was just a few months before I left for Pelican Town actually. You were trying quite hard to get the attention of the weed girl from the floor above ours.’

‘Excuse you, she thought she could FIX ME.’

He laughs.

‘In any case, at that time you were both disasters.’

‘You can say that again.’ I sigh. ‘Do you think that’s what… draw me to Shane?’

‘Well, Fern, you know what they say.’ He takes his glasses off to remove a smudge.

‘Yeah, yeah. Misery loves company. I’ve heard that one. But it’s not.. It’s not the way I feel about him. I don’t want or need to wallow in our personal grief. I want to make him happy. To make us happy, in an ideal world.’

He puts back his clean glasses atop his nose.

‘What makes you think it’s different?’

‘Because I don’t… Because I’ll know to let him go if he can be happier without me. Which can just be the time.’

Harvey’s moustache slumps in a pout.

‘I’m sorry Fern. I obviously don’t know the true nature of your relationship. And I’ve not known Shane for that long but he seems to genuinely care. I’ve tried to get him to care about his health for months now!’

He laughs, his face contorted in a sympathetic grimace.

‘Now, I really need that data before I can let you leave.’

‘Just waiting on your clothes then you’re ready to go.’ Says Harvey, folding his stethoscope back in his visit bag. I stand up from the bed, feeling a cold breeze on my bare back.

‘Was the hospital gown really necessary?’ I ask, backing against the white wall, leaning on it.

‘Do you want the doctor’s answer or the friend’s one?’

I shrug

‘Well’ he continues ‘you do know what happens to most people when they pass out.’

‘Oh.’

‘More details?’

‘No, you’re revolting, shut up!’

We laugh. It feels good and simple. I swallow with difficulty and take a deep breath. ‘Harvey, I, herm. Could you… could you please keep what happened this morning, Shane and I, between us?’

‘Doctor’s confidentiality.’ He says in a warm smile.

I extend my arms for a hug.

‘Thank you.’

We fail to hear the door as Shane appears and hands me a bundle of clothes.

‘There you go.’

I thank him fondly. Harvey leaves us and I start dressing up.

‘How are my hens?’

‘They’re fine.’

‘What about my sheep? The lamb’s called Yarnball. She must have been hiding from you, she’s a bit shy.’

‘Yeah, they’re fine too.’

‘Sorry for the state of my house. Probably dried blood everywhere, and some critters who thought they found a good place for the night.’

He only grumbles.

‘You ready? Car’s waiting.’

‘Shane, are you ok?’

‘I’m fine.’

He heads out without a word. I’m worried he got into a shouting match with Marnie. It’s already starting. I knew I couldn’t count on Shane’s fashion sense but I’m amazed at how he managed to bring the worst of my wardrobe. My own fault for owning those I suppose.

I lift my brown rigged velvet trousers and tuck the yellow checkered shirt in. I could slap myself, they actually work together. ‘Thank you Harvey, I’ll be expecting your bill in the mail.’

‘And I’ll be expecting your spotty payment’ he answers with a finger gun.

I hop on the passenger’s seat of the old truck Shane has running. He barely leaves me close the door that we’re off. I look at him. He’s focusing on the road, brows furiously furrowed, clenching his jaw, shaking his head every now and then as if in the middle of an argument. The wind from the open window plays with his messy hair.

‘Is that Marnie’s truck?’

No answers.

‘How’s Marnie? And Jas?’

‘Didn’t see ‘em’

‘Oh.’

I’m confused.

‘Shane, if it’s too much of a bother to drive me to the city I can find another way and… Shane for fuck’s sake that was a stop sign!’

He stays silent and I suddenly feel terribly uncomfortable.

After a short while he pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

‘You smoke?’

He doesn’t answer, swiftly letting out his first drag, throwing the pack in the middle seat.

‘I’ll just help myself then. If you do mind, you’ll have to speak to me.’

He scoffs and hands me the lighter. Haven’t had a cigarette in years but, heh, it’s like riding a bike.

I wind down the window and watch the landscape blurily pass by, slowly enjoying the painful drags burning my throat. I quickly become dizzy. There was a time when smoking was my sole breakfast and I was energised for the day. The empty inhaled smoke screams in my bare belly. ‘Do you want to grab a bite in the city?’

‘You don’t need to pretend I’m pleasant company, Fern.’

‘Well right now we can’t say that you are.’

He laughs, flicks his cigarette butt and tries to blindly find the pack. I grab it before he can reach it.

‘What’s gotten into you Shane?’

‘Let’s just drive in silence, ok?’

I lean back on the seat, feet up the dashboard, slowly smoking, reverting back to a moody teenager. Well he’s the one acting like a jerk. If he didn’t speak to Marnie why did he come back in such a rotten state of mind? Did he lie to me?

‘You really didn’t see Marnie at all?’

‘What’s with you and my aunt?’ He snaps

‘I’m trying to understand is all.’

‘There’s nothing to understand, nothing at all.’

‘Ok, I know this is a lie.’

I see him grasp the wheel firmly, his knuckles turning white.

‘Shane I’m sorry but… I really don’t feel comfortable being in the car with you right now. If you don’t speak to me I’d rather you let me off…’

He takes a deep breath, and exhales between his teeth.

‘I heard you.’ He starts.

‘When?’

‘No it’s stupid, forget about it.’

‘Shane, please…’

I slowly stumble across the truck bench, trying to reach him. I put my hand on his, on the gear. He quickly removes it and puts it on the wheel.

‘Fine. Be that way.’

I shuffle back on my seat.

After an eternity of silence we arrive in the city. I only stayed a couple of years in Zuzu city, in the midst of always moving all over the place. That’s where I lived in the same building as Harvey, back then. If we knew at the time we’d meet again in such a small place that is Pelican Town. I’m grateful for the farm, which has been my only constant in life now. A good homestead to have.

I jump out of the truck and stretch before turning to Shane.

‘You know, if you want to drive back, I’m not stopping you. I’ll find my own way home.’

‘Yeah I’m sure you’d like that.’

‘Excuse me?

‘I heard you ask Harvey, no, beg him, to keep “us” a secret.’

My eyes open wide.

‘No, no that’s not what I meant at all. I just didn’t want Marnie to’

‘What’s your deal with my damn aunt? Maybe you should just leave us alone.’

I look down, not knowing what to say, probably at Shane’s relief, for once. Marnie’s words brewed in my head for hours, with each hour clarifying the mixture, making me see that, indeed, she was right. I’m heartbroken.

‘Maybe I should.’ I say in a whisper.

‘I hope I was a nice distraction from whatever’s happening in your twisted mind.’

‘I’m sorry.’ My voice is so low that I’m not even sure he can hear me. I remember wanting to tell him I love him, so many times. I should have. He keeps talking to me, gesturing slowly, obviously hurt. But all I can hear is a distant buzz.

#stardew valley fanfic #sdv fanfic #stardew valley #stardew valley shane #sdv shane #fanfic #writing #failed writer #sad chicken man #fanfiction #fanfic writing

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yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit · 7 months ago

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The great regular sleep experiment of 2024 part "I think I'm fucked"

Well, I went to be around 8pm, slept what felt like a decent 4 hours, started having weird vivid dreams that happen when I'm done getting restful sleep, and then when I got up and looked at the clock it was only 11:30, after laying around in bed for a while trying to go back to sleep.

So one REM cycle... 2 hours -ish

The weird things are that:

It did actually feel like restful sleep, even if my body is sore

I feel perfectly alert

If I was hyperthyroid enough to cause this level of insomnia, I'd be having extreme cardiac symptoms all day even before what covid did to my heart and that isn't happening [not that I am getting zero chest pains]. I'm running a little hot and hungry but not even problematically asides from it contributing maybe to not sleeping.

I'm not having to force myself awake anymore except occasionally just after 5 am during grocery time

I am not getting the extra *symptoms* insomnia usually comes with anymore, I would actually not realize I wasn't sleeping if I wasn't paying attention to the clock, currently [and maybe the sleep headache thing].

So unless I slept from 8pm on the 10th until past 11 on the 11th without noticing... I am getting what feels like actually restful sleep for at least 2 REM cycles per day, one in the morning, and one at night... But ONLY that much. And my morning shift is fucked up now too when it was stable.

The 6th weird thing is while I am sore in a way I would compare to doing crossfit face-first... I am not nearly as sore and not at all sleepy, compare to what I should be for sleeping less than 4 hours per day.

Usually this level of mental alertness on this little sleep is what happens when I take certain anti-depression meds and metabolize them weird. And -regardless of how it's happened- usually comes with something akin to mania, that has had me misdiagnosed as bipolar or manic depressive before [before they acknowledged the upswings were too slow, stable, and lasted months at a time and were my thyroid]. But like, I do not feel manic, or like I am acting or communicating in a way people would describe that way, and I always could before, I could feel it happening to me, feel the nervous energy and how fast I was talking etc...

Like I managed to make myself do chores almost every day without it being a struggle like usual to get started. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like I am forcing myself to do them.

And you might be thinking "well maybe it's the extra caffeine from the coke you've been drinking" NO! I ran out of the cherry cola 10 days after I did groceries!

The only thing from them that could still be in my system is phosphorus from the phosphoric acid. [coke brand cola is actually the cheapest way for me to even get bio-available phosphorus in my diet, so I am hopping we don't need another boycott, because supplements do not work the same way, and they and pork are expensive AF]

And as much as I have been trying to add a second cup of tea to my day I keep forgetting about it long enough that I am averaging closer to 1.2 bags of tea per day.

Which leads me to the only convincing theory, to me, right now, that I was low key "treating" insomnia by being at least somewhat phosphorus deficient most of the time, and that's why drinking coke would have me feeling more energetic for days at a time after the caffeine should have worn off [but ONLY coke brand coke], and this might only be possible because -in theory- part of my chronic fatigue could be that I'm one of the people who has a really hard time making Adenosine back into ATP, and needs extra phosphorus to make sure I am doing it as best I can.

The only hiccup in that theory is i think you mostly convert Adenosine back into ATP in your sleep, but I am getting 4 hours that feel actually restful for once, and I am unclear on whether your body also does this at a certain level of rest, even while awake.

This *could**** mean that drinking cola more regularly would mean having the energy to at least keep on top of housework without feeling like I have to force myself to do it every day. This sleep experiment may have inadvertently confirmed THAT suspicion beyond a doubt. It would of course be super helpful to have a doctor willing to IMMEDIATELY check my thyroid and ATP levels on request the moment I request it, so I can confirm things like this.

And I do think eating more ground beef is helping my iron levels.

But the problem is I need to sleep more than this. If I was feeling awake and alert off 8 hours I wouldn't question it... But this is 2 hours at a time twice a day at best. I'm not having terrors, or sleep adjacent hallucinations at present or "mis-seeing" things out of the corner of my eyes or anything... Which is great, because usually those symptoms would be more... Insistent for a lot longer... but I HAVE to doubt my judgement and ability to form memories properly on less than 4 hours of sleep per day, and I am starting to get a persistent headache threatening to be a migraine -and fairly constant tinnitus- that haven't been even this bad since I was last employed.

The fact that -at present- I mostly just feel pain/ache in my face and muscles as the only symptom of sleep deprivation doesn't mean I am not sleep deprived, and this isn't sustainable for someone with CFS... Usually any time this has carried on for any reason, there's a crash at some point and it's nasty.

In the meantime I AM going to be using this as best I can to get on top of housework and settling in, and getting things arranged and out of boxes... Because taking advantage of these upswings was how I was managing that kind of "catching up" for years before I stopped getting them. Is that ADVISABLE? WHO KNOWS!

#the great regular sleep experiment of 2024 #I still have another journal entry running in parallel but I haven't posted it yet sorry

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josad-irl · 2 years ago

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My burden and well maybe first and last post

welp, worth a try

Hi, I'm "J", 23 yo.

Guess this might be worth a try since I'm running out of options.

Background info: I have heavy depression, and got diagnosed with multiple personality disorder with a strong tendency towards BPD (Borderline). I never had consistent suicidal thoughts. They came impulsive during high trigger situations a few times.

Just half a year ago I had the best time of my life. I was clean from my 1 1/2 year long addiction to drugs. I had the best gf I could have ever wished for. I had fun at Uni. I had good friends. I was happy. Or so I thought. My BPD kept making the relationship go into a crisis. My gf had ADHD and quiet-borderline was to be diagnosed. But I never found out til this day if she actually has it. Well, now I don't have a gf, lost most of my friends, my heavy depression is back and either my emotions aren't available for weeks or they come back like a train hitting me straight on and make me cry and brake down into panic attacks multiple times daily. I can't sleep. I don't feel happiness. I cannot enjoy a single thing. I either eat too much at once or not at all. After the break up I got sent into a prison-like psychiatric clinic for 3 nights. It was the worst time of my life. I never before have truly felt the way I did back then. That is almost 3 months ago now. Afterwards got a place in a clinic for mental health which was rlly nice tbh. I had a nice room. Nice ppl. Got a nice therapist. After a few weeks therapy finally started to help and I felt emotionally more stable after my 2 months stay. Now I am "free" again. Two weeks have passed. I can't stop thinking about my ex and the friends who were in the same circle. They all keep in contact with her, but they never once came to visit me or texted me during my stay in the clinic. Not once. In two months. I had to text them. Now they all barely answer to my texts. I do still have some rlly good friends left. But somehow I can't get over the things I have lost. And I am still desperately in love with my ex partner. She was the best person I have ever met. But she has blocked me everywhere. My emotions were gone for the last 2 weeks of my stay in the clinic. They came back a week ago. Well rather they came back on my birthday. When the hope had rissen up that my ex would text me. But no, nothing. During my stay in the clinic we had an on/off thing. We met, we slept with each other. But suddenly she cut me off completely saying it over for ever. She realised we weren't good for each other and that was it. Well, my opinion was that we could heal through therapeutic help and try it again. But she never answer to that. That was the moment I went into shock and kinda lost all my emotions. As I said, these came back on my bday. Especially the last hour of it. I had a huge panic attack and a gigantic borderline trigger, where it felt like i was going insane. I tried to desperately contact her. But she blocked me off even in the last possible way I had to get into contact. She saw my calls, but she cut them off. That was it. My emotions finally got broken. Now i am sitting here and contemplating if its worth living, when my only two choices are being emotionally unavailable and basically just acting under a facade or to be emotionally broken and depressed to an extent where I am pretty close to taking my own life. I tried before but got stopped. I think this might be the time where I'll get it over with. Well. If neither a clinic, nor meds, nor my mum and not even my good friends can stop me from feeling and thinking this way...who can? Will this ever stop? I have been depressive for years. 4, maybe 5 years. My BPD is hindering my emotional stability. I don't know what to do. I think live is beautiful. And I know people can heal. I know time can heal. I know I should just cut contact and concentrate on the things I have. I learned so much in the clinic. I know others would take this opportunity to heal. Other ppl are strong. But I don't think I can. I am scared of myself. I am scared of rejection. I am scared of what anyone says. I am scared of what anyone thinks. I am scared of what I think. I am scared of what I can do. I am scared of what I could become. I am scared. I am broken. My trust is broken. My emotions are broken. And I have seen better days in these dark times. But they were always overshadowed. I give up. Maybe. Well....

"X", I love you. I hope you are able to heal. I hope you got the help you needed. I hope you will find the happiness that you deserve. You were the first person in my life that I could be myself around completely. The first person I ever truly loved. You helped me through heavy depression, addiction and pain. Now I hope you get the help you need and never have to feel the way I did or now do. I wish you all the best.

To anyone reading this: I hope your are having it better than me. I know this sounds weird for me to say, but... if your are going through somethings, ask for help. Someone will help. There is nothing more important than your mental health. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever challenges your are facing <3

If this isn't my last post, then something must have happened and well..I'll post an update then.

Maybe goodbye, maybe not.

#last hope #burden #depression #mental health #last words #idk anymore #idk why i'm making this #;#are these even necessary

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kitchentunes · 25 days ago

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I RECORDED SOME STUFF!

And I didn't hate it! lol

To be fair, my life has not been great, health-wise. Currently awaiting some imaging and appointments for rather inconvenient abdominal issues. So that's distressing.

But I still sang!

Much rambling about my voice under the cut 😅 (Warning for intense voice nerdiness)

I was pretty shocked when I got the urge to go record, so I jumped on it even though maybe I should have slept or something instead. But I managed almost an entire HOUR of singing (!!!).

Upon listening to it, it was quite clear I have lost a lot of the flexibility and stamina I used to have. I used to sing for 5-6 hours straight on Sundays for my church gig, in addition to being in community theatre rehearsals several nights a week and teaching music full time. And now my longest stint is 2-3 hours a few times a month at the preschool. To compare the quality required for singing at the church gig and musical theatre (think Mozart and Bach and Sondheim) to the preschool (think Raffi)...it's laughable. No wonder I struggle now!

I did a really mindful warm-up before this recording sesh, too, but it took me 20-30 minutes of singing at full voice to be truly performance-ready. I think part of that was due to being bedridden for a week from this flare up, and in general my body is very slow from all the health stuff, but I know it's a clear sign of lack of use. My issues with shortness of breath are also apparent in some of the recordings, but dammit if I didn't keep singing anyway.

In the end I am not fully satisfied with anything (will I ever be?), but there are quite a few moments that stand out to me as clear improvement, even from just my last posted recording from several months ago. You won't be surprised to hear that Sara Bareilles strikes again with melodies that suit my voice perfectly, so those are the songs that I am most happy with.

If I get around to it, I may splice together some of my favorite bits and pieces from this sesh and post them as a compilation. To my actual surprise, it's my high belt that I'm most pleased with. Some new technique has me SHOOK - singing Celine Dion and Mariah Carey like I kind of know what I'm doing. And on the other end of the spectrum, access to my low range is getting easier and easier, and I'm happy with the tone. I guess it's the middle that needs attention. And to be honest, I think I just need to pick a style and stick with it instead of waffling around in every song.

One really fun thing that happened was when I went to record Olivia Rodrigo's super-hit "Vampire," I channeled the situationship from my early 20s and imagined singing to the asshole who strung me along for years, and it was SO FUN. My voice took on an authentic speech-like quality that felt easy and free. I have a lot of moments that I love from my voice in that, however I was so into it that I lost track of the karaoke backing and so it sounds a bit silly with the timing, so that one may not make it to the compilation lol

Anyway, this got long, but it felt healing to write it all out, so you can have it, too.

Now time for Stardew Valley again lol

#ramblings #update #voice nerd #health

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nathank77 · 4 months ago

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8/20/24

8:59 a.m

My insomnia was a bitch last night. I had to double up for the first time in 2 days. I'm willing to tonight after putting in much effort but the following day I'm SOL I won't raise my tolerance. It'll come down to weed tomorrow worse case.

I fell asleep by 1 a.m... it's really getting to me.

Let's go over my potential subclinical hyperthyroidism symptoms:

1) Insomnia....

I dont think there are others...

-muscles twitching: seems directly related to metopolol and have seemed to slow down and almost stop since stopping the meds.

-pooping: has went back to 2-3× a day. The 5 times that one day was directly linked to having over 39 grams of fiber in one day.

- Sweating/Heat intolerance: Not suffering from those.

-Heart Rate: Seems to be within normal range.

- Frequent Urination: I mean I drink a lot of fluids. It can easily be the explanation. Before bed I drink a cup of tea with my cigarettes.

-weight loss: my caloric in-take is low. I would be losing weight like a mother fucker if I was hyper.

-Anxiety: well I mean insomnia triggers me so much it's always extreme.. and okay so my thyroid nodules gave me anxiety randomly last night. Maybe we can say my anxiety is worse..... but idk it could also be that I care about myself and my sister had thyroid cancer and I didn't want to process that my thyroid grew another nodule despite it being smaller. And of course, my thyroid is of major interest to me atm bc of being sub clinically hyper..

- Appetite: I've had a slight increase in appetite but it seems normal. Every 4-6 hours. When I was hyper I was hungry every 2 hours... now I just feel hungry when I think a normal human body should.

Okay moving forward from that:

- is xanax losing its effectiveness? I don't think so but it crosses my mind.. yet some nights it works fine.

- or is my anxiety bad right now and it's keeping me from falling asleep quickly..

- is it the game I play before bedtime. It's fun it's call ice age adventure. Elise if you're here idk if your kids are too old to enjoy it but I think it's super fun and cute and they may love it. Nonetheless it's bright. And I play right before solitaire. It could be effecting it.

circadian rhythm: is it being effected by multiple nights of falling asleep later due to insomnia despite all the efforts I make to keep it so I can fall asleep by 11:30 p.m..

- then I think a wild thought what if my body is like if we don't sleep he will give us more? I mean it seems stupid cause it knows damn well that sure 2 days in a row I will but day 3 you're fucked. I'll make you pull an all nighter. I'm keeping my circadian rhythm I'll throw myself in the attic at 2 a.m if you won't sleep.

Gaming isn't a factor I haven't been gaming all my youtube videos are a week or 2 old being posted on a schedule.

Yesterday I had one red bull at 8 a.m. I had my v8 energy drinks too but stopped them at 2 p.m....

I mean I have had more tv time. But I mean of course I have. I'm running through my list of things to do and 90% of it at this rate costs me money I don't have so I can only do so much.

- bo4 hardcore barebones starts today. I have therapy and a physical. And I'm doing laundry so I can't really enjoy it today but starting tomorrow I'm going to be all in, I set up my week so I can enjoy it for as many days as possible. Although I have to go grocery shopping tomorrow.

- I am worried about money. Idk.

I suppose if I struggle tonight and tomorrow I'm going to do Methimazole everyday bc at that point I can't find another cause but it seems weird that it could be related to subclinical hyperthyroidism when I slept when I was hyper.

I don't think xanax is losing its effectiveness

I actually think my circadian rhythm has been thrown off too many nights in a row and maybe my tv is still a little too loud. If I turn it down anymore- the voice is going to be all i hear....

Maybe I can try being scared on YouTube on my tv with a sleep timer. His voice is low. And now my mental pictures are all sorts of normal and weird and I have control of them.

But yea I'm feeling hopeless. I'd rather follow my Dr original advice...but at some point as I take out the potential other causes it might be the only factor.

I think trying a lower TV show might be helpful. American dad has a lot of singing and screaming. It could be disrupting my ability to fall asleep or stay asleep. Technically I could be falling asleep quickly and waking up minutes later bc of a loud sound....

Or maybe it's just my circadian rhythm being thrown off. IDFK but I'm weighting every potential cause.

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dopaminergicaddictions · 10 months ago

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2/28/2024

12:55 a.m

I met with the psychiatrist and she completely wasted my time. She was pushing antipsychotics and anticholinergics as well as antidepressants. I told her I wasn't depressed. I told her that my hallucination was getting better by the month/week. Even if the progress is minimal. Its still a huge difference from the beginning and even December. I feel like since I've been on methimazole it's better slowly getting better.

Idk if methimazole will fix it but I explained to her that it has for one patient. She didn't seem to care she just kept saying you're not willing to take what I'm willing to percribe. Then she asked me if I wanted her to send in a Xanax script. I declined cause that'll mess up my entire script with prohealth and then they won't perscibe me it.

I was and am fucking pissed bc I wasted one of my 3 appts this week talking to her to have her open up old wounds and not listen to a word I was saying... she didn't care that psychosis actually does stop one day and that I said I can manage my symptoms and they are improving.

She even went to ask me what my birth gender was 3 times. It could have been shock as I pass extremely well but she asked me my deadname which is Tran 101 never do it... so yea it went horribly...

Now I called 2 other psychiatrist and left messages telling them politely but firmly I'm not taking antipsychotics, anticholinergics or antidepressants and if they won't replace Xanax with a comparable benzodiazepine to not bother calling me back. I explained that I saw a psychiatrist and that's why I didn't hit them back up, but she wasted my time and if they are going to do the same thing I'd rather just attend my talk therapy sessions and stay with my PCP.

I doubt they'll call back but I got to be firm bc it was a waste of my time and I lost a session with Erin this week bc of it. Beyond that I didn't get what I wanted and my tongue is never going to get better. I can't get prohealth to give me something comparable to Xanax 1 mg... but at least they are reliable and I get it when I need it and she will percribe it to me forever so long as I don't ask for more or a higher dose which I won't cause I don't need it. Unfortunately my black hairy tongue will never heal.

Hopefully one of the places I called will treat me for insomnia the primary and only reason I am seeking a psychiatrist... I might hit up a sleep specialist. So long as I don't accept a prescription, I won't lost prohealths prescription..

I am worried that if one of them do call they'll give me one of the better insomnia benzos and then try to force me on antipsychotics and anticholinergics or try to switch it for trazadone. Maybe my tongue doesn't matter. I mean it does but sleeping is pivotal for my recovery. It won't actually stop me from hallucinating at all but if I don't sleep I can get sleep deprivation psychosis. I could be hallucinating for the next 7 years with 7 hours of sleep a night... that's the thing but sleep is still important. I won't recover bc of it but I won't kill myself if I can sleep every night and I'm continue to fight.

The voice bringing up Kristen last night really fucked with me. This psychiatrist really pissed me off cause I could have gotten something out of Erin. Not meds but someone who wasn't needlessly cruel and useless.

I hope one of them contact me and say yea benzos are used for insomnia so of course we will perscribe you one. If they don't i guess I'm going to lie to a few new psychiatrists and say my symptoms are almost completely resolved. I'm going to say I hear happy birthday 3-5 times a day since methimazole. And since February the frequency dropped down significantly but those 3 days without Xanax I only slept 4 hours on the 48 hour mark.

Unfortunately when you have psychosis every doctor in America would rather treat your hallucination than look at another alignment as something separate. She kept yammering on about treating the primary cause...

I've always had issue sleeping. I took benadryl and used weed for years... once the weed was gone it got awful. So the primary issue is separate from the hallucination. It doesn't fucking help but it also isn't the primary problem. The primary problem is i need a insomnia drug aka a benzodiazepine to help me fall asleep and stay asleep.

So I'll just lie and say I'm recovering very quickly. How can they say take an antipsychotics and anticholinergic if I only hallucinate 5 times a day... some might still push but that's the thing. My next few emails I won't even bring up the word psychosis or hallucination. If they ask questions about depression or suicide I'll say never. I'll write in caps I won't take antidepressants. I fucking can't stand that antidepressants are the fucking bandaid for all psychological issues. I don't even have depression.

My mood is low cause I hallucinate constantly but depressed? I think not. My gaming channel and my motivation to keep it updated and my love for myself. My constant ruthless struggle says otherwise. It's normal to feel less happy when you're being tortured by a hallucination...

Either way I'm either going to lie to these two places or hit up new psychiatrists for a change from Xanax to another one. If that doesn't work Maybe I'll try a slept specialist. If that doesn't work I'll stay with Julia. Maybe a reliable sleep specialist will be better. Psychiatrists are notiously unreliable. They are notoriously trying to get you on as many psych meds as they can.

If I let this stupid bitch do what she wanted she would have gave me Xanax prob once. And Gave me antipsychotics, anticholinergics and antidepressants. That's the fucked part and I would have lost my script to prohealth.

I'm sick of fighting doctors just for the ability sleep. A sleep specialist may be the best route but idk if they will give me a benzo either they are last resort...

The dumb bitch was totally fine trying to get me on sedative hypnotics though, you know the drug that ruins your sleep cycles permanently and makes you hallucinate..and give you night terrors and make you sleep walk!

It's so fucked that doctors would rather endanger you than give you a fucking benzodiazepine for sleep. I'm thankful for Prohealth but I wish she would switch it for temazepam 15 mg but there is nothing i can do. At least they didn't force me to jump up to sedative hypnotics when I refused antidepressants.

Anyways I went to the support group today it was nice talking to people. They said I should lie to get what I needed to put myself first.

The hallucination seems a little less intrusive today. We will see if that continues its hard to describe something with no volume level that is nearly constant.

The issue with lying is I got to keep my story straight for my endo. My pcp. And my psychiatrist or sleep specialist when the times comes...

I can be honest with my therapists at least but I hope it doesn't bite me in the ass I doubt it will though.

Insomnia can be a fucking separate issue from hallucinations.. also I can ask them to not report the frequency at least...

It drives me crazy that doctors treat me differently. Yea i have psychosis but i only have one symptom. Beyond that it really is improving. Not as much as I'm going to lie about but it is drastically improving. At least from the start point.

My focus level matters more and more. I was masterbating and it was oddly silent eveytime I thought about it though it was reactivated which is why when I report Kristen It's pertinent to bring up ocd voices. Im not the only person in the group who thinks about it and makes it happen. It's just part of it..

I've been trying to cope with Kristen cause I was closing my eyes too long last night and when the voice said it it effected me bc of microsleep.... that's the problem...

I can't report her until I can handle the outcome of her potentially losing nothing and my suffering being nothing more than a slap on the hand... I can't do it while I'm hallucinating at this frequency bc it will crush me. I actually have to wait until it's either completely gone or so infrequent that it isn't really a thing but the issue is I'm scared if I do it even when it's infrequent it will like reactivate it.

At least if I stop hallucinating I can handle the outcome bc my hallucination has ended.

I know it's not depression with psychotic features. I know it's not schizophrenia or schizoaffective or schizotypal. I know I don't have bipolar- speaking of this bitch was so fixated on do you experience mood swings it was ridiculous. She wanted to drug the fuck out of me. No I don't have mood swings.. but either way I know it's not borderline either.

It's very obviously psychosis. Yet I cannot handle my mood plumet if Kristen gets a slap on the wrist. While I struggle to sleep, and survive every single day. Depression isn't going to develop but what if Kristen gets away with it and I get depressed about it and it makes it even slightly worse..... that's the problem.

I guess she's going to get paid for a while for being negligent. I could win the case but it's not in my hands.

So I'm just going to start closing my eyes for 5 minutes at a time before max effectiveness and play solitaire until I fight my eyes... I'm going to take a 1 mg tonight at 5 and close my eyes at 7 a.m. I'll try in little intervals before 7...

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noodlingchopsticks · 1 year ago

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Just my daily ramblings again..

Well, I have been doing great especially with my sleep schedule. I may be finally fixing it. Last night I slept really well, and I slept more than 8 hours I think. Not straight though, since I slept around 2 pm yesterday til 5 pm. Then slept at 7 pm last night, and woke up around 4 am. All good, right? I'm freaking out! After all those months of struggling with my sleep, I can't believe there's still hope of it being fixed while I'm yet to start work, and reclaim a routine for myself again.

Lately, I'm proud of myself that I have been educating myself about certain happenings in the past and in the present. Wow, ain't that vague? HAHAHAHA But yeah, I've been watching some videos to inform myself about situations I wish I had known back then. I won't say that I already have an in-depth knowledge about them; still in the surface level truth be told; however, I am making progress. I also want to work on making this a habit.

These days, it's hard to pick a side. It's no longer safe to assume absolute good of anything. To be fair on both sides, you need to dig really deep or at least visit both side's backyard. You can't be hasty with a decision, because people find it easy now to dismiss you, or worse, cancel you. Even at a seeming good cause, people who disagree with your opinion or stand will just quickly oust you of their "circle", without even bothering with having a discourse with you, and without even at least attempting to educate you about why their point of view is worth considering and making a stand to.

Such is the condition these days. It seems natural that people can gang up on you, especially on social media. Say something incorrect, expose your flaw, and you're done forever.

I probably am almost guilty, if not by behavior then by thought. I have to catch myself wandering to the dangerous zone of morally blacklisting people as if I'm standing on a higher ground. I pass quick judgements often so as forgetting the other person behind each little chunk of story. My, it's a reminder to give a benefit of a doubt to someone. I owe everyone the chance of proving themselves as multi-dimensional person. It doesn't mean I can't say it if I feel like something's off or wrong, but branding a person as absolutely no good isn't a judgement I can pass on a fellow human being.

I'm also flawed, very much so.

There goes.. Enough of my ramblings. Though I wasn't able to be specific this time, I hope that someday I'll find the avenue as well as the purpose to bare them skeleton and flesh despite the possible embarrassment, and fear that comes with nakedness of mind. I hope I can be completely fine with being misunderstood, silly or even judged. I'm not sure if that'll ever happen. Maybe I can at least dare to give it a try, and taste truth and freedom in one sip.

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carronpatrick · 1 year ago

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Y'all. Dumb life update thing below cut.

Mom had brain surgery and has had a helacious stay in Neuro ICU, and I FINALLY got her home today, then we had to immediately rush to the vet for my baby boy for an emergency. I have started my bleeding through the cycle PCOS bullshit which comes with horrible (can't move and almost pass out horrible) cramps and terrible depressive and anxiety episodes.

I have slept maybe 7 hours since Tuesday night... I have to monitor Mom for possible bleeding out from her 2 incisions into her arteries (and she's on blood thinners, so a bleed could be fatal), have to monitor Trooper for possible seizures or vomiting or aspirating, plus his breathing and heart beat... I'm fighting not being able to take very important medicine for the last 2 days on top of the pcos bullshit... I am absolutely just fucking fried, man. I am too soft for all the chaos. I just need to sit with my stuffies, cuddle my honey, and sleep for 5 days.

#2023 #self

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justanotherpitstop11 · 2 years ago

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Promises we keep (Part 2 for TWOF)

A few people asked me to write a part 2 for The weekend of firsts (and I also wanted to), so here's a short sequel. (Hopefully more is coming) 🤗 I'm sorry you had to wait for this so long, but I'm really busy in real life so I hope you will like it. 😊 I'm grateful for your comments and feedbacks. ❤

Summary: You and Checo are both feeling something for each other, and it became obvious after his first win where he was flirting with you and offered you to celebrate together. ;)

Pairing: Checo Perez x Reader

Warnings: none, maybe just broken english and lame jokes

You almost haven't slept a minute after that conversation with Checo, you were thinking about how bad you wanted to be with him last night.

You haven't checked your phone the whole night on purpose because you know you would see some posts from him from the party and you didn't want to feel more bad than you already did. You tried to sleep but failed at every attempt, so you were just staring at the ceiling, listened to music, watched some TV but none of these prevented you from thinking.

The sun was rising and you were sitting alone in your bed thinking about when did you fall for him this hard? Of course you felt that something is off and he meant to you much more than the other drivers but it just worsened after he was flirting with you in the last two interviews. So that's it? A few nice words and you are all over the place?

You were confused as hell.

You also promised him, that you will send him your number, and you talked about a possible celebration of his first win, but you became uncertain if that is a good idea at all.

You grabbed you phone and looked at it for a while. After a loud sigh you unlocked it, and saw a bunch of insta notifications.

What the hell?

You opened it and saw that there were messages from him.

11 PM: "Hey, I just want you to remind you for our little agreement. ;) Don't forget to send your number, I'll call you tomorrow. Sweet dreams and good night. :)"

Why is he so sweet.

Another message said:

1:15 AM: "You should be here with me. 🥺 Can't wait for tomorrow. 😊"

How I wish I would be there.

3:24 AM: "Are you awake? Can i takl to you?"

3:42 AM: "Sry I dont wnat to be too much, nevemrind. Cant wait to see ya."

Okay, so he was drunk as hell. Understandable.

He really deserved to loosen up a bit and have a great party with his team. Maybe it's for the better that you were not there, because it seems he already thought about you a lot more than you expected, and you didn't want to take his focus from the more important things.

You were looking at his texts and couldn't believe that he really felt that way, but you also wanted to be careful because he was obviously drunk so maybe this wasn't that serious.

You scrolled through your feed, seeing photos from last night, a lot of drivers were posting from different parties, and of course you saw a few pics about him, and if you wouldn't be dissapointed already for not being there, you were now because he looked so handsome and hot in his jeans and his white shirt unbuttoned on top...

Those photos made you feel in a certain way, maybe those encouraged you to finally text him at 5 AM.

"Hey! Saw that it was a pretty good party last night. Hope you had fun, but reading your texts I'm sure you did... 😁 I'm sorry for not being there, but I made a promise, so here's my number:

Get some rest and talk to you later :)"

...

After you sent him the text you fell asleep immediately for a few hours, which was good news given that you had only one day before you have to get back to work.

You woke up around 11 AM, and you immediately checked your phone but there was nothing special except some messages from your best friend.

He's probably sleeping, he had a rough night.

You tried to not to be impatient or anything like that but you were still confused about this whole thing between the two of you so you at least wanted to discuss this situation with him.

It was 3 PM already and you decided to pack your stuff for tomorrow's flight when your phone rang. Your heart skipped a beat and suddenly you realised that you were just standing there not doing anything. You quickly picked up your phone and answered the call from the unknown number.

"It's Y/N speaking."

"Hi Y/N, do I have to introduce myself also?"

Okay, it's him, his voice sounds tired but you loved it and he's already messing with you. Just chill.

"Well, maybe, you never know what kind of stranger has your number." You made a joke to calm yourself first and he chuckled, so it worked for him too.

"Yeah I wanted to tell that you should be careful who you give your number to. Maybe some hungover guy who sent you embarrasing texts last night will try to convince you to meet him."

Am I ready to meet him? I already feel like a teenager.

"That would be awful, can you help me to avoid that guy?"

"Let's see what we can do... I will ask you to come with me for a dinner before he finds you and asks you, so you can get rid of him. What do you think?"

He's a real player.

"Hmm, let me think about this for a minute."

"Be quick that guy is really determined."

I can't with him.

"Okay, you convinced me."

"Great, I'll pick you up at 7 PM, is that right for you?"

"Perfect. And thank you for saving me."

"It's my pleasure. You can thank me later in person."

Oh god.

"See you then. Bye."

"Bye Y/N."

As you hung up you immediately started to plan what to wear like you didn't want him to take it off of you as soon as possible...

#checo perez #sergio perez #checo perez x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 x reader #f1 imagine

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bobaandasiandramas · 3 years ago

Text

What's this? An update in the middle of the day? That's because I wrote until 2 AM and decided to go to sleep instead of posting. I hope everyone likes this chapter because I'm most excited to start the next one already. Thank you for reading.

THE TRUTH UNTOLD

Pairings: Lee Rang x F. OC

Rating: M+

Trigger Warnings for this chapter: nothing that I can think of

Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

When Eun-ji opened her eyes the first time it was still dark in the room. She must have rolled away from Lee Rang because now she was facing the night stand. Red blurry numbers glared at her from the clock but she didn’t bother trying to read and process them. Instead she was more aware of the comforting weight that circled around her waist and the warm body she was pressed against.

She blinked a few times while soaking in the moment of contentment. She imagined that she had never felt more comfortable in her life. Her eyes felt heavy so she closed them as scents of sandalwood and cedar helped her drift back to sleep.

The second time Eun-ji opened her eyes there was the start of daylight entering the room. At some point she rolled over again as her head was now resting on the right side of Lee Rang's chest while her hand rested on the left. Her legs were tangled up with his and his one arm had kept her pressed against him. She didn't feel the need to rush and get up. In fact she wanted to stay like that for hours.

She thought about everything that had happened over the past three days, still trying to understand how everything in her life went so crazy so fast. It dawned on her, about fifteen minutes into her thoughts, that she was due back to work this morning. With great reluctance, she shifted and pulled herself up to hover over the man next to her. She should let him sleep but she also hated the idea of leaving for work without saying good morning to him.

Her hand left his chest and brushed through his hair, she wasn't surprised at how soft it was. She did this a few more times, being slow and gentle before whispering his name gently. “Lee Rang…”

His response was a sudden deep inhale of air before releasing a soft groan from his throat. His eyes opened slowly and caught hers before widening slightly at her form over his. He recovered quickly though.

"Good morning Lee Rang. I hope you slept well." She pulled her hand away and sat back giving him room to sit up if he wished. "I have work today and need to leave soon. I wanted to thank you for last night. I didn't feel comfortable leaving before at least greeting you for the day."

At first he didn't say anything, just watched her while he tried to wake himself up. He felt comfortable and maybe a little tired still. He watched her play with her hands in her lap while she spoke to him. After a moment he greeted her back. "Morning wolf. How did you sleep?"

She looked at him as her heart skipped a beat. His voice was thick with sleepiness and it made her feel warm inside. "Oh, I slept pretty well, thanks to you." She nervously chuckled before moving off the bed, deciding to avoid looking at him any more. She made her way to the dresser and started pulling out her clothes for work. "I'm gonna get changed." She stated before slipping into the bathroom.

After she closed the door she rested against it, hand held to her heart. She didn't understand why she felt the way she was - it was almost like she had a crush. Her eyes widened at the thought. 'No, it couldn't possibly be like that. Lee Rang saved me. I feel comfortable and maybe a little overwhelmed by how much Yuri and him have helped. It wasn't anything like that at all. I'm just grateful for him. ' She shook her head and started getting ready for the day.

Meanwhile, Lee Rang still laid in the bed, staring at the ceiling. He thought about the night, how scared she was, the kiss she pressed to his neck and how quick she calmed down with him. During the night she had rolled away from him but only moments later she was whimpering in her sleep. He wrapped his arms about her and whispered in her ear. 'Easy wolf, I'm right here. No need to be scared now.' She had settled quickly after that.

Another moment in the night she rolled back to face him. He looked at her and laid flat on his back before wrapping his arm around her and pulled her body to his. He was content when she nuzzled into him immediately, hugging onto him like they had shared a sleep space for years.

The bathroom door opened and he looked over to see Eun-ji stepping out. Her make up was done but he could still see the slight bruising on her face - he wondered if he was just more sensitive to it because he knew it was there. Next his eyes scanned her outfit up and down. "Hm? Where do you work? I realized I've never asked that."

She was dressed in a set of black scrubs and her hair was up in a bun. "Oh, I work at a veterinary office. I'm a Veterinary Nurse." She smiled at him.

"Hm. That for some reason doesn't surprise me."

"I'll take that as a compliment." She smiled and looked over at the clock. "Oh, I'll be late." She grabbed her phone from the night stand and turned to the man in the bed. "I'll be back late. Probably not until after dinner. Have a good day." She touched his cheek gently, her thumb skimming under his eye. Her eyes found his dark ones, the moment felt almost intimate and her cheeks felt heated. "You should sleep more, you still look tired."

He smirked at her before holding his hand out to her and she looked confused. "Your phone." He stated before it was slowly given to him. He pressed a few buttons while talking to her. "I expect you to just give me updates. Especially if anything happens. I mean anything. That bastard shows his face and you call me immediately. I'll be there in no time." He handed her phone back to her. "You now have my number and I sent a message to my phone, so now I have yours. Have a good day, Wolf."

****

The walk to work wasn't too bad, there was just a slight chill in the morning air. The route from Lee Rang's home to work was pretty decent. She found a coffee shop that she would be passing by. The scent of coffee beans filled the air in front of the shop. However, she was not in the mood for coffee so she decided not to stop today.

All in all the walk was just around eighteen mins. From Kyong's place to work was about a forty five minute walk, so this was much nicer. It was something she could get used to. She shook her head, she shouldn’t get used to it - she wasn’t staying forever.

Once Eun-ji entered the hospital her boss, Goo Shin-Joo, rushed over to her. She gave him a smile and greeted him. “I’m sorry to have worried you, Shin-Joo. I will make up for the hours I missed.”

“Nonsense, Eun-ji, I’m not punishing you for having a few hard personal days.” He gently grabbed her hands and examined her bruised wrists that she tried to pull away from him. “What happened?” He was gentle as his fingers danced across her skin.

Eun-ji looked down at the floor, she felt shameful for how Kyong had treated her and didn’t want her boss to see how pitiful she was. “It’s nothing.” She tried to pull away again, hoping he would drop the subject.

“You know - you’re not very good at lying.” A second voice spoke from across the room.

The wolf looked over at the other male. “Oh, hello Lee Yeon.” She grew a little more tense at his presence. There was nothing wrong with Lee Yeon, in fact he was extremely nice but something about him always made her feel on edge. She always caught him staring at her with calculating eyes and he was always questioning her about her life - like he was prying for answers she didn’t have. She always felt guilty for feeling wary of him. “I didn’t see you there.” She watched him come closer to her, each step he took made her want to step back but she stood her ground.

“You must have too much on your mind.” He stated as he took her wrist from Shin-Joo. Gently, he inspected the damaged skin, slowly rotating her wrist over to see that the bruises circled all the way around. He frowned. “This isn’t nothing Mae Eun-ji. This is from someone grabbing your wrists too hard. So, what happened?”

“No-nothing. Seriously -”

His other hand came up and touched her chin as he turned her head slightly. “And I assume this is nothing too.” His eyes stared at the bruise that barely showed under her concealer.

“Oh no, Eun-ji…” Shin-Goo frowned from behind his friend. He hadn’t even noticed the mark on the female’s face. He knew that at times when Eun-ji was tested to the limits she could be feisty - but he had never known for her to get into physical fights.

She felt the tears start to fill her eyes to the brim and she bit her lower lip as she felt a small whimper get caught in her throat. Her eyes flickered back and forth between the two men as she finally pulled her wrist away. Her feet moved slowly back away from them as she shook her head. “It’s nothing.” If her body language wasn’t already a dead give away it would have been her voice - which cracked with her words.

“Eun-ji, please - if someone is hurting you let us know. We can’t help if you don’t tell us.” Shin-Joo spoke almost pleadingly as he took two steps forward. “We just want to keep you safe.”

She looked at Shin-Joo and couldn’t help but feel guilty. He was so kind and caring - how could she try to lie to him? Her arms hugged herself as she looked down to the floor and she nodded her head slowly. “Okay…” The response was a whisper but she could see both men relax slightly at her cooperation. “Would it be okay if we sit down?”

Shin-Joo nodded and gestured to the couch even though the female knew where it was located. Without asking he went to grab her a glass of water, just in case before joining her on the cushions, pressing the glass to her hands.

The wolf didn’t sip from the glass but she did stare at it, her fingers tightened her grip on it slightly. A deep breath entered her lungs before she started. Her story started just where her night went wrong with Kyong who accused her of being ‘late’ from work. She told them of how his tune changed rather quickly as he suggested dinner and the walk they took toward the dark alleyway. As she approached the fact that he attempted to sell her, she could see both men tense in her peripheral vision.

She got emotional when she talked about the thugs’ plans for her and their rough treatment right before she was saved by two people. With each word she spoke she could feel the anger in the air around her. “That’s really it.”

“I - I can’t believe Kyong did that to you.” Shin-Joo stated, anger was heavy in his words. “I know you guys would argue sometimes - but for him to do…. To do THAT.” He growled through his teeth. “ I could fight him myself.”

“Truthfully,” She paused, cringing on herself - knowing the next words would make both men most likely mad at her. “He hasn’t been the nicest for a long time.” She confessed.

Lee Yeon looked at her. “What do you mean?”

“I mean this is the worst thing he has done - but the mental attacks and some minor pushing along with some slaps here and there have been the norm for a while now.”

Shin-Joo placed a hand on her shoulder gently so as to not startle her. “Please, Mae Eun-ji, tell me you’re not still staying with him.”

Lee Yeon tensed at the very thought of it. “I can let you stay with me.”

She immediately shook her head no. “Ah, thank you for the offer but I’m okay. I’ve been staying with some friends until I can find a place to live. I’ll actually be looking for something during the lunch break.”

Lee Yeon looked at her, looking for any tell that she was lying so she wouldn't be a 'burden' on them. “Truthfully?”

She nodded her head. “Yes, I promise. I won’t be going back there. Honestly, I don’t think my friend would let me anyway.” She imagined Lee Rang's dark eyes staring into her soul if she even suggested the idea of returning to Kyong.

The men were content with this. “Very well, we don’t have a lot of appointments, we can keep it on a light schedule for today.”

“That’s not necessary -”

“Lee Yeon, let me know how today goes."

Lee Yeon nodded as he straightened his clothes. "Yes, I'll let you know what happens with Granny." He turned to Eun-ji. "Take it easy today. Don't forget my offer stands if you need it. Anytime."

Eun-ji nodded and bowed slightly. "Thank you Lee Yeon." She already knew that she wouldn’t be taking that offer up - not even if Lee Rang kicked her out of the house tonight. Her spirits dropped at the thought. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Lee Yeon - but he was so intense, she didn’t think she could handle it. She watched the two men discuss something short at the front door before she turned her attention to the appointment charts for the day.

***

Eun-ji sat at the front desk with a cup of hot tea next to her. She had not packed anything for lunch and also didn’t feel like running out anywhere to pick something up. All of her free time she needed to look for an apartment. As much as she enjoyed spending time with Lee Rang and Ki Yuri - she didn’t want to be a burden longer than she needed to be. She was sure Yuri would want her room back eventually.

Again the thought made her a little sad - but she knew she could always get together with them and hang out. She pushed the negative thoughts away and pulled up zigbang on her phone to find a rental.

Shin-Joo watched her from across the room, her whimsical ears and tail were visible to him as her emotions ranged all over the place. He wasn’t sure when they stopped trying so hard to find her true identity but it definitely went to the side after Lee Yeon met Nam Ji-Ah. Shin-Joo thought back to when he first met the wolf:

It was mid June, the hospital was slow for the day. It made perfect sense as it was raining harshly outside. Shin-Joo was just sitting on the couch drinking a cup of tea while waiting. Lee Yeon was due to show up soon, the older fox was on the hunt of a particular vixen who had been evading him.

The front door opened, catching his attention as a female stepped in quickly, closing up her umbrella and resting it against the wall so it could drip on the mat. She fixed her hair, trying to smooth down the wind blown look and turned her attention towards the center of the room.

He took one look at her and quickly stood up in shock. Her whimsical ears and tail were faint but he could make them out just fine. There was a wolf in his hospital. A wolf. No one had seen one in years, especially not in a city such as this. "Uh, how can I help you?"

"Hello," she greeted him with a soft smile and walked closer. "I'm hoping you might be able to help. I was wondering if you were possibly hiring for any positions?"

He was frozen in shock for a minute. A wolf wanted to work with him? "I - I kind of work by myself." He never thought of hiring anyone before.

"Oh, okay."

He watched her ears droop and her tail tuck down.

"I hate to ask, but can I stay until the rain lightens a bit?"

She was going to leave? Wow, he really messed up, being in front of a wolf for the first time was both an honor and a horror to him.

"Oh, wait - I just… the job." He took in a deep breath as he watched her watching him. "Sorry, let me start that again. I normally run everything by myself but I never thought of hiring someone." He motioned to the couch. "Please. Let's talk."

She took a seat, her ears and tail fully fading away just as they started to perk up again.

"Tell me about yourself. What skills do you have with animals? Which forest are you from?"

She froze for a moment, biting her lower lip. "I'm Mae Eun-ji. Um, I don't know what you mean by forest - I'm from here in the city - at least that I know of. I actually don't know why I thought this was a good idea. I have no prior work history that I know of. I can't even give you a proper ID in order to work." She felt like an idiot.

"The truth is, I don't remember anything from before about two years ago. My boyfriend found me. He brought me to a hospital and helped me file a report for a 'found person' with the police. He invited me into his home and helped me stay afloat. I know he works a lot and I just wanted to help bring some food to the table."

"You lost your memory?"

"Yeah, at times it sucks." She sighed and twisted her fingers together. "Sorry to waste your time."

"What?" He looked at her. "You didn't waste my time. How about this: I will give you a job here and we will work together to see what skills you have or don't have?"

“What? Really?” She bounced in her seat a little with excitement. Her smile stretched across her face as he nodded his head at her. “Thank you so much. I promise to work very hard sa-jang-nim.”

He didn’t have any appointments while she was there - the rain keeping clients away. Instead he showed her the chart system he was using and where medications were located. They spoke of what her schedule would be like and he had her write down some of her information just so he had something on file for her.

She was thanking him again for giving her a job when the door opened, signaling that someone had walked in. Her body tensed up as Lee Yeon walked into the office, his strong aura carrying his confidence across the lobby. She visibly shrunk back and watched him carefully.

‘Is a wolf scared of a fox? How interesting.’ Shin-Joo thought to himself. “Welcome Lee Yeon, please meet Mae Eun-ji. She will be starting as my assistant next week.” He turned slightly to the female. “Mae Eun-ji, this is my good friend Lee Yeon. You might see him from time to time in the office.”

She nodded her head and bowed to the fox. “Very nice to meet you.” She stood straight again before excusing herself. “I need to head home now. I’ll be in touch soon.” She flittered past Lee Yeon and grabbed her umbrella quickly, not even opening it before dashing into the drizzling rain.

The older fox looked at him and raised a questioning brow.

“I’ll tell you all about it.”

Once Eun-ji started working with him, they hit it off right away - becoming decent friends fast. He would ask her questions about anything she could remember, which was nothing but sometimes Lee Yeon would observe her and try to get his own answers.

Even Taluipa didn’t have any answers for them about who Eun-ji was. Instead she just suggested that Lee Yeon stop dallying and continue on the wanted lists.

***

Eun-ji waved to Shin-Joo through the windows as she headed out for the day. He had originally wanted to walk her back to her friend's house but she declined saying she would be fine. After a long back and forth about the topic and a promise to text when she got home, he reluctantly let her go without him. She felt lucky to have people care about her - she had even text Lee Rang about half an hour ago letting him know her shift was ending soon and she’d be back in a little while.

She was walking past the coffee shop when she sighed, thankfully work wasn’t too busy but she didn’t strike any luck finding a rental that was a reasonable price near her job. She didn’t want to be in the same apartment complex as Kyong and she didn’t really want to walk that distance again. Thinking of her ex left a bad taste in her mouth and she felt hyper aware of her surroundings. What if he was nearby? He knew where she worked. He could easily come for her and take revenge for whatever Lee Rang did to him.

“Wolf?”

The voice was velvet to her ears, causing her whole body to relax as she looked up ahead of her. There he was standing in the middle of the sidewalk looking at her. “Lee Rang.” She spoke softly before taking a few bouncy steps toward him. “What are you doing out here?” She asked as she stopped in front of him.

“I came to get you. You sent me a text a while ago and I really didn’t think I should have you walk home alone during the night.”

“Thank you, you didn’t need to do that.”

“Of course I did, darling. I need to make sure you get home safely. Yuri would agree with me.” He replied as they slowly started walking back toward the direction of his house. “Did you eat dinner yet?”

“I did. My boss ordered food for us after getting annoyed with me for not eating lunch.” She rolled her eyes as she remembered her boss not letting her argue with him that she would be fine.

“Why didn’t you eat lunch?” The fox sounded a little authoritative.

She shyly looked down at her feet. “I was looking for a place to rent.”

It was quiet between the two of them. Too quiet. She felt her anxiety start up, her thoughts jumbling in her head on how to apologize to him.

“Is it that bad staying at my place?” He finally asked, his voice not as warm as normal.

A small gasp escaped her lips and she grabbed his wrist, stopping the two of them from walking any farther. He looked up at her - his eyes darker than ever. She gulped, her skin heating as her anxiety was racing over her body. “No.” She felt horrible. “It’s great at your home. I’m so thankful for Yuri and you. The hospitality you have given me is more than what I deserve. I have no way of repaying the debt I owe you. I don’t want to abuse your kindness. It wouldn’t be fair to Yuri or you, especially you, if I stay.” She was rambling her thoughts in rapid fire.

Fingers caught under her chin making her look up at him and silencing her in the process. “I won’t say this more than I need to. Understand this sweetheart: You. Are. Not . A. Burden. If I didn’t want you there I would have never had you stay.”

Was he moving closer? Was she moving closer? She wasn’t sure but his breath tickled her face a little. His sandalwood scent filled her nose and calmed her. His wrist fell from her grip and he moved to place it on the small of her back, guiding her toward his home again. Tension left her shoulders under his touch. “Sorry, Lee Rang. Thank you for everything - I will be more mindful of what I am doing.”

He nodded his head. “Alright sweetheart, let’s just get home.”

***

Upon arriving home Eun-ji realized it was just the two of them again tonight. She excused herself to her room to get changed into comfortable clothes. As she entered the room she noticed a few bags on the bed but chose to ignore them, figuring Yuri probably went shopping today and forgot to put things away. The wolf slipped into the bathroom to get cleaned and changed.

To her surprise Lee Rang was lounging on the bed when she came back out. He was playing a game on his phone, his eyes moving off the screen immediately as she walked out. He placed the phone down and turned his attention to the bags on the bed. “These are for you. I wasn’t sure which ones you would like so I bought a bunch.”

Eun-ji peaked into the bags and found blankets. So many blankets.

He smirked at her confusion. Of course she wouldn’t understand the real reason for all the blankets just yet. She will learn once they figure out who she really is and all of her memories are found by someone. It came to his thoughts that morning that wolves felt most comfortable in a den of a sort with a nesting bed where they could feel safe. She didn’t need to know that yet and he had a feeling her instincts would take over anyway.

“I noticed that you seem to have a hard time sleeping at night. While I don’t mind lying down with you, I know there are some nights that I won’t be able to do so.” He started to help her take the blankets out of the bags. “So, I figured the best way to help you stay comfortable during the night is to get a bunch of blankets.” He opened up a very fuzzy deep red one and pressed it against his face and neck, pretending that he enjoyed the softness of it when he was really placing his scent on it for her. “Personally, I think this one is the best one.” He passed the blanket to her, his hands brushing hers slightly.

She dragged the blanket to her face like he had and rubbed it on her cheek. “Oh, this one is nice.” She felt a cozy warmth climb over her as she nuzzled into the fabric content to already smell sandalwood on it. She offered a smile as her eyes found his. “Thank you Lee Rang.”

He smiled back. “Don’t just thank me . It was Yuri’s idea to get you something to make you feel more at home.” He shifted off the bed. “I put her number into your phone so you may call or text her when you wish.” He paused next to her and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “Sleep well sweetheart.”

Her cheeks heated at his touch. She noted that he was always gentle with her and it made her feel light as a feather. “Good night Lee Rang.”

She watched him leave the room before pulling the tags off the rest of the blankets and decided that she would make a blanket fort on the bed around her. After moving them around and fluffing them to her liking she grabbed her phone and the red blanket. Sitting in the middle of the bed she giggled feeling like she was sitting in a giant bird nest. She covered herself with the red blanket and called Yuri before lying down. The two girls spoke for a few minutes about their days before Eun-ji yawned and realized how tired she was becoming. She bid her friend goodnight with plans for the next day. Breathing in the scent of sandalwood deeply she slipped into a peaceful slumber.

A while later Lee Rang passed the room as he headed to bed. Peaking in he was pleased to see her wrapped up tight in the red blanket and looking as content as ever. He knew she’d figure out her nest.

#the truth untold #kim bum #tale of the nine tailed #lee rang #kim beom #fox and wolf #kim bum x reader #lee rand x foc #lee rang x oc #lee rang x reader

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 2 years ago

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Sleeping issues, tw cptsd, (not sa) sexual stuff, panic attacks.

Hey, I have sleeping issues due to hypervigilance from my cptsd. They are mainly (1) that I have a very light sleep and wake up a hundred of times at night. I don't remember all of them but some. It became very clear when I was in hospital a few years ago and whenever someone came checking on me, I sat upright. They tried meds on me but they either didn't work or I slept for the next 48h. So they gave up (they assumed it was a temporary issue). (2) I can't sleep if I am not deadly tired. I will lay around useless and annoyed, waiting to finally fall asleep. Sometimes I chose to do that, if the bed is cozy, my boyfriend asleep and I am just fine enjoying the atmosphere until I can finally fall asleep. So it is not a "I expect it won't work so it won't work" self-fullfiling prophecy. Most days I just stay awake till 3am. (3) I need ages to wake up. I usually sleep 8-9h and wake up (and can't go back to sleep again). I will need almost an hour until I have gathered the energy, to put up my phone and scroll on tumblr, another hour until I drag my body to the couch and maybe after 3 hours or more I can pick up my sewing stuff and be at least a little bit useful. After 4 or 5 hours I am able to go to the kitchen and make breakfast. I hate it!

And recurring issues are, that I get panic attacks at night (which I believe are the worst because I can't process that it is just a panic attack and mix dream and "sensation of panic") and that I have nightmares. I usually dream very strongly, I occasionally can shape parts of my dreams, I remember a lot of it, after I wake up. Sometimes... A bit of a dream stucks during the day. One time I dreamt of some... Secret operation idk and there was a global issue we had to solve and I came to the solution. And all day I was half-dissociated because my brain was playing the scene, where I told the others the solution, over and over but I didn't remember what the solution was (granted, I also didn't remember what the issue was). Like, when you have a song stuck in your head and because you forgot one line it just repeats from the last chorus again, over and over. But with dissociation.

Lately I'm having a lot of dreams with sexual content. I am asexual due to trauma. It was always pretty similar, there is some male (not always the same) series character and I initiate sexual actions. Which is... confusing. Like, I have zero interest in it in real life and I am very repelled from sexual stuff, it's always combined with a lot of guilt so... It's not super comfortable to have those dreams. Plus I feel shitty because I can't have sex with my boyfriend but dream a lot about it with some serie character like?? It feels unfair to him, I know that's bullshit, but still.

What I can find online, put your phone aside before bed, drink a tea before bed blabla, isn't the solution to trauma issues. Do you have any solutions? From what I read, sleeping issues aren't uncommon amongst people with (c)ptsd, but I couldn't find any solving ideas online...

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what's been going on lately.

As someone with (presumably complex) PTSD, I resonate with the sleeping problems you're describing (also with the caedosexuality). Honestly I think this is a little more complicated than a sort of home remedy - if you don't already have a therapist, I think it would be helpful to talk about these symptoms with one and perhaps get to the root of why these things are flaring up.

In my experience, I was at one point prescribed Prazosin for my nightmares. It's not FDA-approved, but it's said to help with PTSD-related sleep disturbances. It honestly wasn't helpful for me, but I understand that everyone reacts differently to medication. So if you have a therapist, psychiatrist, or GP, I would also suggest talking to them about this medication and if it would be compatible for you. Any other suggestions are welcomed!

I genuinely hope that your sleep improves on all fronts, and I hope I could help answer your questions at least a little bit. Please know you're not alone in this experience, and do let us know if you need anything in the future!

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks

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minahoeshi · 4 years ago

Text

to be yours and you, mine.

Kuroo Tetsurō x reader | just pure angst. so much angst.

warning: major character death

prelude: the end lets its presence be known before it comes around. At times, that sense of awareness feels like a blessing. But with you and Tetsurou, the reminder of what soon will come can only hurt you even further. Because mankind has never been powerful enough to do anything against so many things. We have always been weak in the face of nature. especially against the passage of time and all the things it keeps taking from us.

It's almost odd how the world changed when you realised what the moments of silence has reduced your relationship into. How, when you finally acknowledged the fact that perhaps the end of a prolonged short story is nearer than you'd rather believe, a filter seemed to slip off of the camera, along with the vibrance you never realised was raised too high. It's not like the frames suddenly are less colourful. It's just that the tinges of blue in the shadows and highlights have made themselves more obvious, like a sign waiting for you to conclude things yourself.

Maybe it's because it's the new years and new beginnings just seem so scary. Or maybe it's the ice in the air, or the meteorologist on the television announcing that it's 7°C that morning that makes the lack of warmth between you and him more unbearable. But you wake up to the silence of the world, not even the birds are around to fuss above your house. To the empty space beside you, a reminder of his message three days ago.

Tetsu(｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

I'm staying with my family this new year. Okaa-san thinks I need to spend 'the end of the year and the beginning of a new one with those that made such days possible for me'. You know, her usual line to remind me of their importance. Miss you.

Let's video call on new year's eve, yeah?

received 9:26

He did call you last night. Not the video call he promised, but a voice call on Line. But you didn't answer. If he asked why, you would've told him you were with your friends in a shrine celebrating new years with prayers for a better future for one another, drinking sake, and walking the streets of Shibuya with your girls and gays and the one guy friend that everyone wonders how he ended up in the group.

It didn't hurt that he only called you once and never tried again. It didn't hurt that he didn't ask why. But fuck was it painful to hear the voicemail.

"Happy new year, Y/N san. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll be there with you, I promise. I love you. So much."

It's scary and painful how his voice seemed to waver. How it was shaky and devoid of his usual timbre, a ghost of what once was a joking and rarely serious tone that took light of most situations. His voice that you loved so much, absent because maybe he knew too.

Maybe he was aware that no saving can be done to bring forth the past as if it was the present. To rebuild the broken and to remind you both of what you had all these years. To you and him, the signs couldn't be more obvious. When the world crumbles, you don't save it. You kiss it goodbye and go on to search for a new one. One that won't break with you in it. (but you know you won't search. you never do.)

You spend the next hours awake. The consciousness, unwanted. You want so much to just fall down as if the darkness can just swallow you and you'd be happier in it. In silence, you might feel better.

But you can't help the way your brain works. You bask in the reminiscing, the present disappearing before you until it's the past that owns you.

It's not the memories that grabs hold of you but him in his entirety. You cry because you will miss all that he is. The lazy tone he uses when he feels comfortable beside you on the couch. The humour he finds in everything, even in chemistry which is crazy because nothing about chemistry is comical. The messy hair he refuses to tame because he loses his identity, a piece of him, his pride and legacy when his hair looks neat. You'll miss his hand on your back when you're walking outdoors, his iced coffee with a secret ingredient that is probably not really a secret, his hugs when you feel yourself falling in the deep hole of misery, his excitement when he speaks of volleyball, his pride when he talks about his achievements, his— all of him. You'll miss all of him. Too much.

Kuroo spends the car ride thinking of you. Reminding himself to remind you of all that you must remember. To hold your hand tight for as long as he can until he can't.

He reminds himself of the things he love so much about you. Of your unequaled patience and trust in him. Of your ability to strip him of all his bad so that he can only see his good. Of your laughter when he speaks of his day as comically as possible. Of the mornings he wakes up beside you. Of your— everything. All that you are.

Because as the car nears your house, he feels himself crumble. Because he just knows what is about to come. So he must keep in him all your good and bad to be grounded. To stay long enough.

Kuroo stays in the car and stared at the door. The door that opens slowly and reveals you in your scarf and windbreaker. Beautiful. You in all your tear-stained glory, your nose and ears red. He stares as you step into the snow and approach him. He stares as you knock on the window.

And so he opens the door.

You break again the moment you see him. You wish to be strong for him. He doesn't deserve your sadness and weakness but he told you to let yourself be. That your tears are better seen than hidden. Because it helps him and you know how you are feeling. So that he doesn't have to walk around eggshells because you both expose all your vulnerability to one another.

So you fall on his knees. You dont wait for him to get out. You cry on his lap and you know he cried with you. You fall apart together. The same way you built each other to be whoever you two are today, you both break each other.

You say, Testu. Tetsu Tetsu Tetsu Tetsu. He says it's fine, he's fine. He leans and kisses your head and you cry more the same way he does as he hugs you from above. I'm sorry, you say. I should've answered your call, you say.

But I was scared. I was too scared.

And you both know. You fear the same thing. Because as Kuroo is placed on his wheelchair with your help and Kenma's who has been with you two since the very beginning. He leaves both of you because he knows that's what's best. He gives Kuroo a hug before he drives away.

He's bone-thin. Dark bags under his eyes, cheekbones too visible, lips too pale— tired. He looked more tired than three days ago, before he suddenly disappeared that day and you felt too much pain because was he gonna leave you that way? Was he not gonna be with you until the very last of everything?

You were thankful he texted you that night. Because you would've gone crazy with all your thoughts. You understood why he had to go home. His family needed him and he needed them. You couldn't be selfish.

That night, you spend hours on your bed with Kuroo. He didn't need the morphine, he tells you. He's okay. But his breathing is ragged and he's sweating. He can't move without hurting. But you don't give him painkillers because he told you so. So instead, you kiss him. You kiss him and tell him you love him. You tell him you were happiest with him. He doesn't talk much. But the last he said before you both slept was, "I love you too. More than anything and everything. I love you."

The next morning, you cry harder. This time, all by yourself. Tetsutetsutetsutetsutetsutetsu. He never responds.

You cry harder.

But at the very least, he was still holding your hand.

Tetsu(｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

Science is yet to prove the existence of reincarnation so instead of pinning everything on it, I'd rather appreciate this one life I spent loving you. Because there's no other way for me to have lived than to be yours and you mine. This one life is enough for the universe to understand that we are eternity, you and me. Forever.

I love you. I know you love me too.

2:09 am

You

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

5:27 am

Okaa-san - mother

Tetsu - nickname for Kuroo from his first name, Tetsuro. In Japan, cute nicknames are more common than endearments like honey or love.

Shibuya - a city or special ward in the prefecture, Tokyo.

Sake - Japanese alcohol made of rice and other ingredients.

Line - most used messaging app in Japan.

Thanks for reading!

#haikyuu #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu reader insert #haikyuu fanfic #haikyuu fic #haikyu x reader #haikyuu angst #kuroo tetsuro #kuroo #kuroo imagine #kuroo reader insert #kuroo fanfic #kuroo fic #kuroo x reader #kuroo angst #nekoma

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codename-mango · 4 years ago

Text

Foggy Mornings

It was a labor to open my eyes. It felt like something was holding me down as I tried to wake up. Lately, the grogginess meant I had done something to regret the night before. I closed my eyes again, and mentally prepared myself for wherever I found myself this morning. Afternoon? I couldn't tell. I sat up, slowly but surely, and finally took in my surroundings.

Home. My bed. I was still wearing the dark grey top and black skirt I had put on to go out with Chelsea.

Oh God. Chelsea.

Panic rose up before settling once I heard her signature tapping on my door. I guess we made it home safe.

"Come in," I called. But she was already peaking her head through the door.

"Good morning," she greeted. She was smiling, but she was obviously almost as tired as I was. She was wearing her signature pyjamas. She sat on my bed by my feet and handed me my water bottle, the same one from Season 2. "Thanks for putting me to bed last night. I would probably be passed out on the kitchen floor if you hadn't." She giggled at her own joke.

"I don't really remember doing that, but you're welcome." I chugged my water, savoring every drop. The bottles were cold, which lead me to believe I must've put them in the fridge last night before putting myself to bed. I don't remember doing that though.

"It was nice of Seb to pick us up," Chelsea said with a cheeky wink.

"Wait. What? Seb?"

Seb lived nearly an hour away in Liverpool. Why would he...

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Seb appeared in the doorway, knocking lightly on the open door.

"Good morning, ladies." His smile was warm and comforting, yet there was something unreadable in his eyes as he asked, "How'd you sleep?"

"I slept surprisingly well, thanks!" Chelsea answered. "Last night was fun, I think. Other than... Y'know..." She avoided eye contact with me as she shrugged and jumped up from her seat. "I'm going to make tea," she announced before making her exit.

Seb stood in the doorway, and neither of us spoke. What happened the night before?

"I'm afraid I'm not being a very good host," I joked as I slowly shifted my legs off the side of my bed. Seb didn't chuckle like I hoped he would. He just sat next to me as I tried to fully wake myself up and recall last night's events.

"Did you pick us up from the pub?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

Seb shrugged. "Chelsea said you needed me." His nonchalance failed him once he said that. He lowered his head and stared at his hands.

"What am I missing here?" I finally asked. "Did I say or do something stupid?"

"Not really... If anything, I did something stupid," he answered ominously.

I tried to recall what he might have done. I had fuzzy memories of rain through windows. I remembered talking to Seb about something. I remembered...

"We agreed to talk about something."

"Yeah. We did." Now his eyes were on me. They burned a hole through me.

"What was it? And what stupid thing did you do?" I asked with a feeble laugh in an attempt at bringing levity.

His face was serious though. I could see the thoughts rushing through his head.

"Well..." he started, leaning away from me slightly, "I may have kissed you."

What?

Seb looked at me finally and his eyes went wide.

"Not on the lips! Uh- I had kissed your neck- Well, that's not that much better. Fuck. Fuck, I'm sorry-"

"Seb! Seb, relax." I scooted closer and hugged him to calm his nerves. His body was rigid, and he had his eyes screwed shut. He rubbed his face with his hands. "Seb, please, just explain how it happened..."

We sat on the bed in silence. I hugged my pillow and had my face buried in it. More than anything, I was embarrassed by the way I had apparently acted. I wriggled indignantly in place.

"We've all had our nights, Clarice," Seb said with a chuckle at the sight of me.

"I'm surprised I didn't do more," I said into the pillow. Seb must have understood, as he laughed.

"You might have, if you were in a better mood."

"So..." I looked up at him, my face still half covered my the pillow. "Now we're talking about it. And I'm sober."

"Kinda wish I wasn't," Seb joked. At least, I assumed it was a joke.

"I'm going to make this easy."

"Oh?" He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Do you want to kiss me again?"

The question hung in the air as Seb stared at me. His eyes flickered down, then back up.

"Well, I can't with the pillow in the way, can I?"

I laughed and threw the pillow off the bed. Maybe I should've been embarrassed by how clumsily I jumped across the space between us, but Seb wrapping his arms around me and kissing my lips made me forget my insecurities for the moment.

Chelsea's excited squeal cut the moment short. I watched her stomp her feet excitedly in the doorway, two mugs of tea in her hands, before she ran off. Seb and I laughed and Seb shook his head.

"I don't know why you're shaking your head. I'm the one that's going to have to recount every detail 5 times over," I said. I rested my head against his shoulder.

"Let me know when you expect it to start so I can head out."

"Shut up."

#foggy mornings #when its raining #clarice x seb #clarice figg #litg seb #litg #litg chelsea #more self indulgence #and i finally finished it #this had been in my drafts for months

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