#It's SO complicated but honestly everything started going downhill since I came out

[kevyeen]

How I feel every time I talk to my "bestie" and she just Ignores Me™

[veebs-hates-video-games]

I keep threatening to say something about Xenoblade Chronicles 3, but it keeps not happening. I either can't figure out what I want to write or am unable to actually write it, like I'll have an idea and then sit up, but that'll make my head get weird and make me give up on it for the rest of the day. Again.

I think I finally figured out what I want to talk about though, and if I can make it through 265 hours of the game itself (plus another 35 on Future Redeemed, the standalone DLC story) I can probably handle writing a single post about it, even if it takes me a few tries across several months and turns into kind of a retrospective on the entire series.

As a brief intro for context, in the summer of 2022 when the game came out my health had reached a new low point, even compared to the already not great lows it's been at other times in my life, and XC3 is honestly probably one of the reasons I'm still here now. And I don't just mean on Tumblr.

Ok, maybe that's a little too brief. I have a weird and wacky combination of physical/psych/neuro things that have been going on for years, but up until 2020 they were only partially disabling and left me moderately functional and still fairly happy, and they seemed to be improving for a change. Since that summer they've all been gradually going downhill though, and I've at least for the time being ended up basically completely disabled and unable to do a lot of basic things in my life, and I haven't been having a great time with it.

It doesn't help that I've gotten the absolute bare minimum support for a lot of it (or sometimes even less than that) because most of my doctors retired or moved or changed jobs in the past couple years, and along with it taking forever to get set up with new ones a lot of the new ones have been extremely reluctant to actually address any of my needs. It's super cool to not only get next to zero help with any of the new problems that came up but also not be able to get prescriptions for any of my psych meds and be effectively forcibly detransitioned. That's starting to slowly turn around now, but only barely.

Anyway, by the beginning of the summer of 2022 I was at the point where I was having periods where I was having trouble forming coherent sentences some of the time, and while my brain generating gibberish like "aspirational truth-pissing" or "post-kneecap society" is very funny (to me at least), it's not super useful. I'd become pretty isolated, a lot of friendships and relationships had become pretty distant for various reasons, and I'd had to move back in with the one person who actually abused me (which is pretty far in the past but still pretty uncomfortable).

Basically my life had next to nothing going for it at that point, not much was showing any signs of improving, and it was pretty hard to find anything to look forward to.

(ok so maybe that ended up being not so brief because I don't talk about all that stuff much and apparently I have a lot of feelings about it)

Good news, though! There's a new game coming out in my favorite series!

I have a long and complicated relationship with the Xeno games. I first played Xenogears before Xenosaga was even out, but I never finished it because some of the jankiness frustrated me (and I'm replaying it now and those things about it have aged really poorly, but it's still plenty interesting otherwise). And then I never really played Xenosaga myself (although it's probably next in line after I eventually finish Xenogears) because I never had a PS2, but I had friends who were super into it that I absorbed everything from.

And then by the time the first Xenoblade came out my Wii had already died. A couple years later I had a computer that could emulate it though, so I played it in Dolphin with the HD texture mod...until about halfway through the game, when my CPU caught on fire. A friend gave me a free replacement, but it was slower and didn't run stuff like that nearly as well, so I held off on finishing it until 2020 when I finally could afford new computer stuff (mostly because I had to spend some of my SSI backpay because you're only allowed to have at most $2000 in your bank account at any given time because this country hates disabled people).

And of course it was great.

And then I grabbed the Switch version so I could play Future Connected, which was also great, and then quickly moved on to Xenoblade Chronicles 2 after that...and then stopped playing that one for several months because Tora really grated on me. I think "blushy-crushy" is the point I gave up at. Thankfully I went back to it a bit later, because aside from that and some of the overly horny character designs it's pretty great overall, and Torna completely recontextualizes so much stuff and makes the base game even better.

I even played some of X, and I would've finished it too if my save hadn't gotten corrupted. Maybe some day I'll figure out how to use a memory editor or something to fix it, because it seems almost fine, and I don't really want to replay 70 hours of it...

So I was understandably pretty excited by the surprise announcement in early 2022 of the third game and then its release date getting pushed up even sooner, and even though my life had imploded further by that summer, some of that feeling carried through.

And you know what? Xenoblade Chronicles 3: also great. I know, big surprise. It looks great and the music's great and the actual gameplay is great (and much better explained than in the previous game), and all of that is great and has already been said by a million other people.

And they've also all had plenty to say about how the characters and their interactions and development are great, generally handled even better than in any of the previous games, and how the side quests are mostly great and actually advance character growth and world building, unlike a lot of them in the first game.

And then also lots of people have had lots to say about their mixed feelings about the story itself and its ending, which some people didn't like for what it didn't answer but which I personally did for the things it did focus on and the general vibes, and then there's been plenty of wild speculation on the implications of Future Redeemed too.

But it wasn't until I finished Future Redeemed and sat on it for a while that I think I figured out what I have to say.

I think what hit me the most about it is the way it expands on the base game and rest of the series, not in the literal narrative way that I've seen most people talking about (although that's definitely fun too) but more in terms of how it made me think about the third game and the series as a whole thematically.

By giving more context and more info about the motivations for the different sides of the conflict (and also introducing another side) it got me thinking about how the entire series can be looked at as how we (or anyone) approach the future, and it doesn't really frame any of the possible ways of doing that as inherently correct and unquestionable.

The central conflicts of each of the games are all about who gets to decide what the future will be and which people and ideas from the past/present should be brought into that future. The settings and situations they find themselves having to make those decisions in are also all the result of previous people's decisions and what was inherited from the past.

Is the future predetermined, or do/should people have free will to make their own choices? Should those choices be individual or collective or by a single central entity? If the outcomes of those decisions turn out to be flawed should they keep pursuing it and stick to the original vision or should it be replaced by something else? If there's been so much pain and suffering and loss in the past, is a future even desirable? Which existing things should be preserved, or should we just start over entirely?

And generally there's more than one answer presented for each of those questions, and often there's even more than one different way of approaching the same answer shown, e.g. you can have no future by preserving the present indefinitely so nothing changes and nothing is lost, or you can just delete fucking everything.

Even answers to those questions that are implicitly endorsed in one game by being associated with the protagonists of its story may turn out later to have more nuance to them. Ok, predestination and fate suck and we should all have free will to make our own choices. But now what if people use that free will to choose things based on fear and anxiety that ultimately restrict other people's free will and choices?

There's no simple answer, no one correct solution, and it takes continued hard work to push the world forward towards a better place. Even when people don't know or even can't know what led the world to the state it's in and all they know is that the way it is is cruel and unfair, they have the ability to come to their own conclusions about the answers of those questions and can work together with like-minded people they find to try to change the world to make it more like what they envision.

And that's real and how things work in reality too. We inherited the world in the state it's in from the people before us, who made their own decisions about those things. Sometimes it was genuinely what they thought would be best for everyone, sometimes it was lashing out because they'd been hurt, sometimes it was someone who didn't care about anyone but themself. But no matter what the reasons, it ultimately is the way it is, and we have to take that and do with it what we will.

Only we, the people who are here right now, can decide what the future will be. Only we can use the power of friendship to kill god. Or heck, you spend half the game in XC3 literally building mutual aid networks. That seems like a pretty reasonable place to start.

[cpd-55055]

Thoughts on 9x17 and Burzek

BURZEK! BURZEK! BURZEK! What is happening? I know the first half of season 9 was heavy Upstead episodes so it's only fair if Burzek takes front and center in the second half, but it's just frustrating to watch back-to-back episodes about Burzek when nothing important is happening with them. They just keep going downhill, never communicating. The writers and actors hype it up to make it look like Burzek will finally figure things out each episode, but then the episode airs, and you're just left with frustrations. 9x17 looked like it would be the catalyst that would bring Burzek together, but once again, they barely communicate and just go downhill. I want Burzek to happen. I have been rooting for them since I joined this fandom, but with the way things are going, I am very quickly giving up on them. I think in any relationship there needs to be an equal level of trust, communication, and love between the two people. And with Burzek, I feel like Adam has more trust and love in Kim than she does. After episodes like 9x17, I question whether Kim actually truly loves Adam. I question whether Kim is actually good for Adam. Adrift made me hate Kim for what she is doing to Adam and feel truly sympathetic towards him. I hate Kim for dragging Adam around, giving him false hope. This complicated mess didn't just start a few episodes ago, or when Kim got shot, this has been going on for seasons. I haven't watched any of the earlier seasons so I don't know how they truly were seasons 1-4, but this complicated mess got ridiculous starting season 7. In season 7, Kim got pregnant, they had disagreements regarding how they will handle this pregnancy, but they figured it out. They decided to be this modern family for baby Burzek. And then the miscarriage happened, Kim pushed Adam away, but they figured things out eventually, and at the beginning of Season 8, they were back to the silly bantering Burzek we all love. And then Makayla came into Kim's life, and Adam decided to step in and help her parent the traumatized child. They struggled at first, Adam questioning whether Kim truly knows him, but they figured it out. Kim decided to let Adam into Makayla's life by placing him as her guardian and things were going to be fine. And then Kim gets kidnapped and shot. While she recovers, Adam drops everything and takes care of Makayla. He shows Kim how he is good for Makayla and how much he loves that kid like she's his own. Adam changes literally sleeps on Kim's couch just to be part of Makayla's life. He becomes Dadam and we immediately fell in love with it. But Kim doesn't like it and tries to push him away. I get why she did it at the time, she was afraid that Adam might leave which would affect Makayla. I let her behavior and actions slide then. The pair communicated for the first time and decided to move in together and be co-parents, becoming the modern family they originally planned to be. Things were looking hopeful for them. After 9x10, I honestly believed Burzek would happen before the season ended. But then the writers screwed them up with the adoption storyline. They decided to wreck the growth between the characters in 2 episodes. While Kim was afraid of losing custody of Makayla, Adam was the one by her side through everything. And when she won custody, the first thing she tells Adam is, "let's go see OUR kid" The modern family that she has been talking about since season 7 was finally happening. And then, the writers immediately decided to destroy that happiness by kidnapping Makayla and traumatizing her again. Kim and Adam are losing their minds as their kid is missing, and Kim constantly reminds Adam that THEY WILL FIND THEIR DAUGHTER. But when the hotheaded Adam emerges, Kim gets frustrated and tells Adam to back off as Makayla is HER DAUGHTER. I was upset by what she said, but I wasn't pissed with her as I wasn't a fan of how Adam acted in 9x15. He has anger issues and in that situation, going rogue could have put Makayla at more risk. I honestly thought 9x15 would be their lowest moment, but clearly, I was wrong. I don't know what is happening with Burzek anymore. In this week's episode, Adam was a mess. He and Kim are not doing great, but it looks like Makayla is recovering from the kidnapping. Adam and Kim are not communicating. Adam wants to talk, but Kim once again pushes him away. So Adam decides to immerse himself in the case, literally going undercover and almost dying in the process. And after everything Adam says to Kim over the radio. After literally pouring his heart out about how much he loves Makayla, Kim decides to push him farther away. She tells him that Makayla is doing better without him. And Adam, because he loves that kid so much, decides to respect Kim's decision and give them space. I get that Kim just wants what's best for Makayla and for her Makayla will always be her first priority, which just shows that she is an amazing mother. BUT HER BEHAVIOR WITH ADAM IS JUST HEARTBREAKING! My heart broke for Adam at the end. At this point, my gut is telling me that Adam Ruzek is better off without Kim Burgess. It may be painful at first, but he deserves someone who treats him better. He needs to feel like he is loved. By the end of 9x17, I see Adam like Voight. He doesn't have love. The people that he truly loves, Kim and Makayla, are pushing him away. All he has is this job. He wants more, but all he can get right now is this. I don't know where Burzek goes from here. I honestly don't know how they will ever get back together. If losing their baby, almost losing Makayla, and almost losing each other don't bring them together, I don't know what will. I truly thought almost losing Adam would be what Kim needed to realize her true feelings for him, but clearly, all it made her realize is that Makayla is better off without Adam. I don't know what the rest of the season has in store for Burzek, but I would be truly shocked if they make up and kiss before the season ends. I don't know why Adam still sticks around for Kim. I hope Adam realizes how much better he deserves to be treated. I hope he realizes that he deserves love. I hope Kim realizes how hurtful her words are to him. These past Burzek episodes would have been more enjoyable if we saw Burzek grow, but instead, we are given pointless drama. At this point, I wouldn't even care if Adam decides to leave Kim and Makayla for good and find new love. This is one of the main reasons why Upstead is my #1 ship. They are so much less complicated, and whenever they do have drama, we see the couple grow together, which is so much more enjoyable to watch. By far, Burzek is the most complicate ship of One Chicago.

So for the long rant, but that episode was just frustrating.

[auro-ora]

Friend or Foe

Bucky Barnes x reader

Word count: 2,144

Summary: what happens when two enemies are stuck in quarantine together?

Warnings: enemies to friends, language, angst, quarantine problems, arguments. 

Notes: @jobean12-blog​ here we are babes, thank you for wanting to read this and sorry if this sucks. :c I haven’t written in over 3 years <3

There was no doubt about it that Bucky Barnes, your roommate, your enemy, your rival, your whatever else you wanted to label him as, was officially driving you to the point of insanity. It didn’t help that you were quarantined with the man in question since the beginning of March, three months. Three months of being locked in your spacious two-bedroom Brooklyn apartment with him. Neither of you were free to leave, neither of you were allowed to go to work, the compound was out of the question, your family lived in a different state, you had no choice but to stay here under this roof with him.

Some days, you believed he was doing most of his antics on purpose, such as leaving his dirty dishes in the sink for you to clean, leaving his dirty laundry on the floor in your shared bathroom, cooking his own food and leaving you to make your own food, playing his music too loudly, only one of you were allowed to go grocery shopping and he often went, forgetting to pick you things up even if you did ask him nicely. It was your worst nightmare and it couldn’t have happened at a worse time when the weather was starting to get warm, the heat causing more arguments between the two of you, which often ended with him screaming at you.

It wasn’t funny anymore, at first you would probably admit you loved to piss him off on purpose, but as the months passed, it was becoming upsetting. You wondered what you did at the beginning to make him dislike you so much, he was talkative when you first moved in, a steady foundation for a friendship but then it went downhill after day 5. Bucky wasn’t a man you could talk to, he wouldn’t listen and he would often ignore you and pretend you didn’t exist, and it was much easier for him to do that when he brought other girls home for the night. But you? Bucky made the rule when you first moved in that no other men were allowed in this apartment, which at the time you agreed to because it was his apartment and you were grateful to have found a room in Brooklyn.

You overheard him say to a friend just the other week how he wished some girl named Natasha was living here, which made you upset and since then, you have tried to avoid him as best as you could. You would use the shower when he was in his room listening to music, you would cook when he was in the shower and then you would sneak back to your room. It was like two strangers sharing a space, and you were sure roommates weren't supposed to act this way. You did try to find another apartment, but unknown to you at the time Bucky was the one sabotaging everything by contacting the person advertising the apartment and falsely warning them of your partying habits, which resulted in your viewings being canceled at the last minute. They never told you the reason why, you assumed they had found someone better suited, financially. Was Bucky proud of his actions? No, he wasn’t, but he didn’t want you to leave, he didn’t want to go through the hell of replacing you with someone else who he might really hate next time.

Today would be a good day, you were almost sure of it. The light from the sun created pretty patterns on your wall, you pulled yourself up from your bed and walked out into the living room, scoffing by the sight of your roommate sprawled across the couch with his arms spread out on the back of it. You mumbled a good morning, he ignored you as usual. You rolled your eyes and walked into the bathroom, making sure to slam the door a little harder than necessary.

“Stop slamming the fuckin’ doors!” he yelled from his spot. You could feel the anger building up inside of you. The frustration from having a complicated roommate and no means of fixing the already broken relationship. You peeled your pajamas off your body and turned the water on the shower to a comfortable temperature, pulling your hair tie off, your hair falling loosely over your shoulders. You step into the shower and sigh, making the most of your time here because this is the only time you get peace and quiet from Bucky. You lather up your loofah with your favorite shower gel and wash every inch of your body, at least twice. Then working on removing your body hair and finally, shampoo and a deep condition. Meanwhile on the couch, Bucky was scowling towards the bathroom door, the steam started to appear from under the door. He knew you were taking your sweet fucking time on purpose to avoid him, but 40 minutes to wash yourself? No, he was not having that. He stood quickly and walked to the bathroom door, surprised to find it unlocked. He saw your form behind the shower curtain, and swiftly yanked it to one side where you screeched, using your hands to cover your private parts.

“BUCKY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?” you yelled at him, but the jerk just stood there, his eyes trailing and you wanted to smack the smug grin off his stupid face. 

“Thought you drowned in ‘ere or something. What’s taking you so fuckin’ long to wash your damn body?” 

“GET! OUT!” you threw the soapy loofah at him which he easily batted away. 

“Hurry the fuck up!” Bucky spat.

Fearing Bucky would return sooner than later, you hurriedly washed the conditioner out of your hair and stepped out of the shower, wrapping the white fluffy towel securely around your body and stepping out into the living room once again. This time your pain-in-the-ass roommate was busy making himself breakfast. Your room was warm from the heat of the sun and you sat on the edge of your bed, staring longingly into the mirror opposite you. The towel pooled around your waist, you sighed and walked to your closet for some clothes, putting them on quickly just in case Bucky decided to walk in once again. You towel dried your hair, putting it up into a messy bun. You went back to the kitchen, this time to prepare some breakfast for yourself, only to find Bucky had left you no eggs or bacon and the bread was gone.

“You ate all the eggs?” you rubbed your temples, this couldn’t be happening. It was supposed to be a good day and it was already going to shit.

“I did.” came his nonchalant reply. “There’s no milk either.”

“Okay.” you sighed knowing he wasn’t going to be helpful. “Can I borrow a face mask and some latex gloves please?” you rubbed your temples with your fingertips and watched as your roommate leaned back against the counter and folded his arms across his wide broad chest. 

“No.” he deadpanned, his tone and eyes were stone cold.

“I said please!” now your eyes were filling up with tears, and you were completely helpless, unable to go out to buy your food with protection, because if you went out without a mask and gloves, you risk catching the virus. 

Bucky steps in front of you, his large frame towering over you forcing you to crane your neck upwards. His breath fanning across your face as he spoke.

“Make me a list of items you need and I’ll go and get it.”

“Why? Each time I’ve asked in the past, you’ve always refused!” you shouted a little louder than you intended.

“Y/n, come on. Don’t be an asshole and make this difficult. Just write the fuckin’ list so I can go!”

“Not when you speak to me like that. Get out of my way, I’ll go my damn self!” you attempted to shove him but he didn’t even budge.

“You’re not goin’ out there, it’s too dangerous.” 

“I don’t know why you even care!” you yelled. Weeks of built-up anger and frustration all coming out.

“Because I care about you!” Bucky yelled back. And then there was silence, neither of you spoke a word, just staring and blinking at each other. He cared about you? Since when? Since when does ignoring someone, yelling at them and picking arguments count as caring about someone? 

“No you don’t.” a single tear rolled down your cheek, you nibbled on your lip, mulling over his words in your mind like a loop.

“I do, y/n. I was just scared… when you first moved in, I didn’t even think you’d like me as a friend, then I saw the way you looked at me like you were trying to figure me out and I panicked. I’m sorry.”

“All I wanted was to be your friend Bucky. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“I know and I’m so sorry for everything I ever did and said to you, I’m an idiot and it wasn’t my intention to drag it out for as long as I did.”

“You really hurt me. All those times you screamed at me and made me feel like I was the problem, that you hated having me here and you made me feel like if I suddenly died, you’d throw a party!” you attempted to shove him again, but he stepped closer instead grabbing your wrist and pulling you into his chest.

“Don’t you EVER say that. I’d be lost without you honestly, because you’re so argumentative and you amuse me.” his heart thumped against your ear and you didn’t actually understand what was happening. One second you thought you two hated each other which turned out not to be true, you learned Bucky did care about you. You pulled back after a while, wiping your wet cheeks with your palms and a wet chuckle came out.

“I never wanted you to see me cry.” you admitted through some deep breaths.

“You’re still pretty. I really hope we can start again from the beginning, though I don’t expect you to forgive me right away.” he smiled sheepishly.

“It’ll take some time, you have been an asshole.”

“Alright, don’t sugarcoat it.” he teased

“No but seriously, we both have been pretty stupid, so yeah. During this quarantine, let’s work on a friendship.”

Later that day, Bucky kept his word and did your grocery shopping, picking up everything that was on your list and more. He bought some snacks and chips in hopes you’ll agree to watch a movie with him later, which you did. The pizza was taken out of the oven and the chilled beers were on the coffee table waiting to be cherished. You contemplated on lighting some candles, but didn’t want to give Bucky the wrong impression since you weren’t interested in a relationship (at this time). You went with the other options and switched the lights off entirely, the only light was from the TV screen. Bucky chose a movie, an action he had found on Netflix and the two of you settled into the couch. The pizza was eaten, the beers were gone and you were halfway through the movie when a loud knock sounded on the front door. 

“Oh, I’ll get it.” Bucky said squeezing your thigh as he stood up. You paused the movie and placed your hands under your thighs. You heard a harsh laugh boom through the apartment and you cringed. 

“Nat! What are you doing here?” Bucky joined in on the laughing as he invited her in. You narrowed your eyes, remembering no visitors were allowed in people’s households so why was she here?

“I came to see you. Couldn’t wait to see my man any longer!” she laughed and pulled him into a hug, looking over his shoulder towards you and smirking.

“Uhm, Bucky? The movie…?” you interrupted them. Bucky offered you an apologetic look as he took Natasha’s hand in his and led her to his bedroom door. 

“Sorry doll. Maybe another time.” your heart sunk, you knew this was too good to be true. The slam of his bedroom door caused you to tense up, as you sat on the couch in the dark listening to their giggles behind the door and then the loud music started.

“Thanks for nothing.” You mumbled to yourself, turning the TV off and sheepishly walking into your bedroom, allowing the tears to fall down your cheeks. You sank to the floor, raising your knees up to your chest and wrapping your arms around your legs. You wished this time you were good enough for Bucky, but clearly his priorities were the wrong way around.

Maybe this time you’ll be lucky enough to be approved to rent a different apartment. Now you were more sure that you didn’t want to be here, you didn’t want to be near Bucky any longer.

[ladycatofwinterfell]

Consequences, part 2

Catelyn and Ned decided to walk different ways after their relationship of three years, for good reasons. Ever since that Catelyn have kept a secret from him. When she one day, ten years later, decides that she should tell him they meet for the first time since the breakup. It takes them no time at all to fall back into old habits. The problem is that Ned is married, and that Catelyn is still keeping that damn secret. The only thing they can be sure of is that actions have consequences.

This feels incredibly messy, but I hope it’s worth the read. Enjoy!

“Mom!” Robb called from the kitchen.

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Did you have a guest here?”

Catelyn froze. What exactly had Ned forgotten? Whatever it was she would have to return it, and that wouldn’t exactly work with his wife. That goddamn wife. Catelyn knew she and Ned shared the blame for what had happened, Ashara was just the victim, but still she felt annoyed by her. She knew that she was terrible for it, she had stolen Ashara’s husband and did only feel a little bad about it. The thing was that things would have been so much easier if Ashara had not been there. She was in the way.

”Yes, why?”

Robb came into the living room with a piece of paper in one hand. He came over to the couch, sat down next to her and handed it to her. There was a phone number on it, and a short note. How had she not seen that earlier?

I know what we said, but if you change your mind... you just need to call

Love, N

“What does it mean, Mom?”

Damn him. Tempting her. Teasing her. Dangling the carrot right in front of her nose and begging her to take it. He wanted it, but he needed her to make the next move. Was it to make him feel better about cheating on his wife? Did he think he would have no blame in doing it again if it was she that contacted him?

She hated herself a bit for wanting to. She hated herself for that she immediately thought of sending him a message. Why couldn’t she let him go? Why was she so sure of that he would be in her bed again before the end of the coming week? And in that moment she decided that she wouldn’t. He was the one cheating on his wife, if he decided that he wanted it to continue he would have to make the move.

But she wanted it. She craved it so badly that she thought her heart would stop if she couldn’t see him again. But it was better if she didn’t. A lot better. So she wouldn’t. Not in the near future, at least.

“It’s nothing.”

“Who’s ‘N’?” Robb asked curiously.

She watched him, raised a hand to his cheek. She wanted to say so many things to her poor little son who had grown up without his father. And had now found something from him. He had held a not written by his father. But he would never know that.

“It’s my friend. It’s a joke” Catelyn told him and ruffled his hair.

“I don’t get it” Robb said puzzled and smoothed out his hair.

“You don’t need to.”

She paused for a moment and looked down at the note, written in the familiar handwriting. When they had been together all those years ago he had left little notes for her all the time. She wondered if he had remembered that when he had written down his number and left it in her kitchen. She hoped he had.

“I’m just going to to throw this away, be right back.”

She walked with determined steps towards the kitchen, opened the trash can, and... did not throw away the piece of paper. She looked at it, let her eyes follow the neat letter that was Ned’s handwriting. She wouldn’t call him. She wouldn’t. Never. Absolutely not. But she could keep the note. It was the only thing she had from him. Except for Robb. But he didn’t know that he had given her that. And if she continued seeing him she would have to tell him eventually, and she couldn’t do that. She just couldn’t.

She shoved the note into a pocket and walked back into the living room where Robb waited.

“Have you done your homework for Monday?”

He sighed dramatically.

“Yes, why do you keep asking?”

She smiled and sat next to him again.

“Just to be sure. So can you tell me everything about the first King of Winter?”

~*~

“Hi, honey, how did it go?” Ashara smiled when he came inside.

What was he supposed to say? “Ah, yes, it went very well, I got back into bed with my ex from ten years ago”? His relationship with Catelyn had always been complicated and would probably always be complicated. There was no idea in trying to explain it to someone other than Catelyn, they wouldn’t understand. In the moment, when she had sat there and told him to kiss her, it had seemed like the only reasonable thing to do. He knew it was not. But even as he looked upon Ashara, he couldn’t regret it.

“Not very well. She wouldn’t talk about it, and she was acting strange. She definitely won’t come back, I honestly don’t know what she was doing” he said.

He hugged her and kissed the top of her head. Felt a bit of disappointment over that it was not Catelyn’s head leaning against his chest. He had wanted to stay with her longer, but he had already been there for too long.

He loved Ashara. That wasn’t a lie, it was true. Or at least it had been true before Catelyn. No one would ever be able to compare to her. His Cat.

“Was she weird ten years ago too?” Ashara asked.

It was meant as a joke. Something to lighten the mood. But still Ned couldn’t quite take it as one. How could she say such a thing about Catelyn? She didn’t even know her!

“No. She wasn’t” Ned said shortly and pulled away from his wife so that he could take off his shoes.

Because that was what she was. His wife. He had been with her much longer than he had been with Catelyn. They had a son. The brightest boy in the world. He had been very happy with Ashara for years. Then Catelyn had came back and turned his world upside down, suddenly he didn’t know anymore. And he couldn’t even be angry about it, because it was the best thing that had happened in a long time. He had missed her, even if he had not admitted it to himself.

“She wasn’t just a friend, was she?”

She didn’t sound angry, or accusing. Just curious.

“She was a friend, that’s all.”

It would be better if she didn’t ask questions. It would spare a lot of feelings for both of them.

“It’s okay, you know. You don’t have to lie about that.”

Maybe she would stop asking if he admitted to that.

“Fine. How did you know?”

Ashara smiled and rolled her eyes.

“You’re so oblivious!”

She stepped close to him again and laid her arms around his neck. Without thinking of it he pulled her close again. His wife. He did love her. He did.

It had been sweet, so very sweet to be with her again. But he agreed with her. it would be better if they kept it a one time thing. Perhaps they would be able to do it that time. If they just tried hard enough. He loved Catelyn, he always would. And he didn’t want to let her go, he wanted to hold her close to him forever. He wanted to look at her smile until time stopped. But they couldn’t see each other, it wasn’t good. It had to be a one time thing. And he decided it would be. No matter if she messaged him, it was over.

“Women can tell those things” Ashara whispered. “The way she smiled when she saw you, it was obvious. I wonder what she wanted.”

“So do I.”

“I love you.”

He loved her back. At least he thought so.

“I love you too” Ned said.

Catelyn had said that too, that she loved him. But her voice hadn’t been as soft as Ashara’s. She hadn’t sounded happy about it. Well, she had no reason to be. Nothing good would ever come out of their love. And why was he telling Ashara he loved her when he actually wasn’t sure?

~*~

“So, what’s happening?” Cersei asked and raised her coffee to her lips.

It was barely coffee, if Catelyn was going to be honest. More cream and sugar than anything else. Catelyn drank her coffee black, as she always did. She could feel herself get nauseous just from looking at Cersei’s monstrosity.

“Too much” she replied. “I’m in a bit of a crisis.”

“And what does that mean?” Cersei smiled.

Catelyn paused for a moment, unsure of if she could tell Cersei or not. But she had to talk about it to someone, she was going mad. She didn’t have to tell Cersei everything, just a bit. Just something.

Catelyn leaned a bit over the table and lowered her voice a bit so that no one would hear her. Not that she believed anyone wanted to listen to her, but she wouldn’t say that loudly in a public cafe.

“It means that yesterday I had sex with a married man.”

Cersei practically spat cream all over the table. She just stared at Catelyn for a moment, then she started laughing. And Catelyn had never felt worse.

“I didn’t think you had it in you!”

“I don’t, it was very stupid. And I won’t do it again.”

“Was he any good?” her friend giggled. “Because if he was you should go for it.”

“What? No! Did you even hear what I said? He’s married.”

“Yeah, but how good can his marriage be if he comes to you?”

That made Catelyn stop for a second. They had not talked much about it, except for the fact that he was married. And that his wife’s name was Ashara. She had asked him if he loved his wife, he had told her that he thought he did. What did that mean? Was he unsure? Was his marriage already going downhill without her help? How much did he want to be with Ashara when he wanted to be with her too?

“It was great” she sighed. “But not worth it.”

She thought of the note on her bedside table. She had looked at it for so long the night before that she remembered the number on it. She had wanted to send him a message, had even typed in the number and began writing her message, only to delete it. He was with his wife, she couldn’t risk anything. And it wasn’t the right thing to do, they were supposed to keep away from one another.

“In what way is it not worth it?” Cersei asked.

She wanted to explain how it was a bit like drugs. If she kept on taking it, she wouldn’t be able to stop. But she couldn’t do that, because Cersei didn’t know that it was Ned. For all she knew it could be some random guy Catelyn had met once.

“I don’t want to be someone’s mistress. If I’m going to be with a man I want to have have all of him, not just a little bit.”

That would be torture if she continued to see him. She would always be reminded of that she could only steal him away for an hour here and there, but she would never have all of him.

“Someone needs to explain casual sex to you, gods” Cersei said rolled her eyes. “It’s good, you should try it.”

“I don’t have time. I have my son, and my job. And if I’m going to make time for it, then I don’t want it to be with someone who’s married.”

Well, she did want it to be with someone who was married. She wanted it to be Ned. But she didn’t want it to be casual sex either. Why did everything have to be so complicated and confusing? Why couldn’t she just be in love with someone else, like a normal person?

“But it was great, you said it yourself. You should keep doing it until you find something better.”

The thing was that she would never found anything better. Nothing was better. She had found the only thing she wanted and she couldn’t have it and it was driving her mad.

“There is nothing better.”

Cersei just shook her head, but then her eyes grew wide.

“It’s Ned, isn’t it?” she asked. “You’re seeing Ned again.”

There was no use in denying it, was it?

“I’m not ‘seeing’ him. We met once.”

“And you fucked.”

“Yes. But it means nothing. And you need to promise not to tell anyone.”

That was more or less a complete lie. It had meant everything.

“I promise. And Cat, sweetheart, take this the right way, but it never means nothing with you two. You both want it. So why stop?”

“Because I shouldn’t be sleeping with married men. No matter how I feel about the man in question.”

“Why not? You’re free to do whatever the hell you want.”

“Yes, but entering an affair might not be the best idea, Cersei.”

Some stupid part of her brain immediately started speaking of that she had technically already began the affair. It was not a question about whether she would enter an affair, because she had done that already. It was a question about whether or not she would let it continue.

“I had the time of my life when I had an affair” Cersei stated.

“And now you no longer have a husband!”

“So what? I can do whatever I want now. And you can too. If you like it, do it, there’s no one to stop you, honey.”

“What about his wife?”

Cersei laughed again.

“Screw the wife, he likes you.”

When Catelyn got back home her head was spinning with questions once more. What if Cersei was right? Maybe she was just supposed to go for it? Why did she care so much about doing the right thing? It didn’t matter. As she had said, she had nothing to lose on it. She didn’t care even a bit for Ned’s wife, she was mostly angry over that she had taken Ned.

Why was she lying to herself, she did have something to lose. She could lose Ned. And the thought of that made her chest tight. If she kept seeing him she would have to tell him. But she also couldn’t stay away.

But the note had said to call him if she changed her mind.

I know what we said, but if you change your mind... you just need to call

Love, N

She had changed her mind. Completely. She wanted him. Whatever the prize was, she didn’t care.

There was still another three hours until Edmure would drop Robb off, she had some time to kill. Earlier the same day she had been irritated over that Edmure stole Robb from her as often as he could. He had no kids of his own, him and his wife had been unlucky on that part, but he wanted them desperately. And so he took Robb a day almost every weekend. But at the time it was a relief. No one was in the way for her. Maybe someone would be in the way for Ned though.

“Screw it.”

She picked up her phone, typed in the number. Then she took a deep breath and put in the message.

Is it next time yet?

She sat on the couch and rested her head in her hands. All she could do was to wait. And hope that she wouldn’t regret her decision.

Oh gods, she was really pathetic. Throwing herself at a married man. Well, at least she could comfort herself with that that married man was equally pathetic.

~*~

Working on a Sunday was not among Ned Stark’s favorite things to do. But duty had called and he had been forced to go to the company to deal with a matter that had turned out to be irrelevant. Sometimes he hated his job. They had been at the park with Ashara’s mother when they called him and he had been forced to leave a very disappointed Jon with his mom and grandmother.

As he stood in the elevator down he picked up his phone to call Ashara and let her now that he was on his way back. But just then it buzzed and a message appeared on the screen. From an unknown number.

Is it next time yet?

Catelyn. He had thought about that all night. Even as Ashara had been snoring softly next to him, he had not been able to push away that little part of him that just waited for Cat to message him. It was terrible, and he was well aware of it. But he had not been able to leave her apartment without giving her a way to contact him without coming to his house. They had said there would be no next time. It was a one time thing. But apparently it wasn’t. Ned really wasn’t surprised.

He had the option to not answer her. He could ignore it and go on with his life. That would be better for everyone. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t leave her like that.

It’s only been a day, he responded as he stepped out of the elevator and into the lobby.

He stopped and waited for her answer. He had the perfect opportunity, he had an excuse. Ashara would think he was working. That stuff could sometimes drag out for hours longer than what was first intended. She wouldn’t suspect anything.

It’s been too long, don’t you think?

She had him hooked with that, and she probably knew it.

I’ll be with you in 10

And with that he put his phone away again and left the building. It was just a short walk to where she lived, no need to take the car.

When he reached the porch to her apartment house and went inside Ned realized that he had not paid Ashara a single thought since the first minute. What was he doing? Why did he care so little for his wife? And for his son. He was supposed to be with his son. But knowing that Cat waited for him just three floors up seemed like the most important thing in the world in that moment. He couldn’t resist that. His Cat. Gods, he was selfish. What did any of them see in him? He didn’t know.

He climbed the stairs as quickly as he could and knocked on her door. She opened it almost immediately and smiled when she saw him. For a moment he was stunned by the sight. Who had given her the right to be so lovely?

“I like the tie” she said as she let him inside and locked the door behind him. “Why so fancy?”

“Oh, I’m coming directly from work” he said.

“On a Sunday?”

“Unexpected things happen quite often.”

He had been about to say that it was an unfortunate thing, but he couldn’t make himself think that when it had lead to that he could see her.

“That’s why you could come here, isn’t it?”

“Yeah” he admitted.

She sighed.

“This will be the last time.”

He didn’t want to stop. He knew it was the only right thing to do, but he didn’t want to not be with her. And he had a suspicion of that it definitely wouldn’t be the last time. They had said that the day before would be the last time, and there he was.

“Really?”

She snorted, suddenly looking annoyed.

“I don’t know, because as you put it so beautifully, we’re weak” she said. “But this is my way of coping with that I’m in an affair with a married man. I tell myself I won’t do it again.”

That was what they were. An affair. He wanted them to be much more, but they couldn’t. It would never end well. Even if he split with Ashara, it wouldn’t work. They had never quite worked together. But still none of them could walk away.

“I’m sorry.”

“So am I. And now, I need you to say with me that this will stop after today. Because it will stop. We can’t continue, because you are married. You have a wife, and that wife is not me.”

“Yes. It will stop after this. This is the last time.”

It would be the last time.

“Then you’ll go home to your family, and we’ll forget this ever happened and move on.”

As she said it she came close to him and began undoing his tie with skilled hands. Like she had done it a thousand times before.

They had done terribly on that last part. It had been ten years and apparently none of them had moved on. He had thought that he did. For very long he had thought that he was over her. But apparently that had not been true.

She sounded like she really wanted it to come true. And he wanted it to come true too, but at the same time all he wanted was to have her.

“Okay?” she asked, stopping for a moment to look at him.

“Okay.”

He raised a hand and took the clip that held her hair in a bun so that it fell down her back. It had such an amazing color, he could look at it forever. She reached up and kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck. Without hesitating he laid one arm around her waist, pulling her to him. She gasped slightly into his mouth at it and the sound sent shiver down his spine, made him tingle. She broke away slightly.

“You shouldn’t be here” she whispered, her face just an inch from his.

Her breath was hot on his face, and her body was pressed against his. All coherent thoughts had left him. He just wanted her. Wanted to touch her, wanted make love to her.

“I know. But I am here. And I want you.”

He slid a hand under the edge of her shirt and drew a small circle on the soft skin of her lower back.

“I’m yours.”

~*~

She wasn’t supposed to enjoy it. But she did enjoy it, very much. It was the last time, she had promised herself that. And she would keep that promise and keep herself away from Ned. That time she actually would. But she would make that last time count.

They were slowly making their way towards the bedroom, stumbling over things on the way. Why did she have so much stuff? She would have to get some of that away.

“You’re beautiful” he murmured as he pushed her back on the bed.

Her shirt had come off somewhere, she had not idea where. But she sure did not miss it. Her skin was burning wherever he touched her, she could feel herself get hot. And she never wanted him to stop because she had never felt anything so wonderful.

Ned kissed her neck, drawing moans from her as he undid the buttons of her jeans. And she wished he would do it faster, but he took his time. Teased her.

And the next moment the doorbell rang. Both of them stopped. Who was it? There were still more than two hours until Edmure would drop Robb off, and she wasn’t expecting anyone else.

“Don’t stop” she finally said, and Ned happily did as she told him.

But only a moment later they were interrupted again by the obnoxious ringtone of her phone. She closed her eyes and sighed deeply. What did someone want her? Couldn’t it wait an hour?

She leaned up, caught Ned’s lip in one final quick kiss and then she picked up her phone from her bedside table. Edmure.

“Yes?” she asked, unable to keep the irritation out of her voice.

“Why are you not opening the door?” her brother asked.

Oh fuck, were they back already?

“I– damn it, just give me a minute.”

“What are you even doing?”

Edmure sounded almost amused and she wanted to punch him.

“That’s none of your business!”

She hung up and tried to contain her anger. Why could she not have that? Why was the world acting against her. It had been so good for five minutes, of course it couldn’t go on. Maybe if they just were happy they would be able to stay away from one another. Apparently that was what the universe demanded.

“I’m sorry” she said, and she had never meant anything as much as she meant that. “My brother is here with Robb.”

Ned frowned. Her first instinct was to raise a hand and smooth out the wrinkles, but she kept her hands to herself.

“That’s not very good.”

Was he thinking of his wife? Of what would happen if she found out about it?

“No. I won’t be able to sneak you out.”

He chuckled.

“Well, it was fun for as long as it lasted.”

“He won’t tell anyone, I can make sure of that. But he’ll know you’re here. You can’t just sit in here until he leaves. Because then you might have to stay until sunset.”

“I guess meeting your brother is the prize I have to pay.”

She walked out of the bedroom while buttoning up her pants at the same time. She found her shirt on the floor, pulled it over her head. It was as good as it could get.

Ned’s tie laid on the floor just in front of the door. She looked at it for a moment before picking it up and walking back into the bedroom with it. She tossed it at Ned and then walked briskly back to the door.

“Are you not alone or something? Why didn’t you open?”

“You really shouldn’t be asking questions, you’re very early” Catelyn said. “Hey, sweetheart. Was it fun with Uncle Edmure?”

Robb was smiling from ear to ear.

“We went to the aquarium! They had a really cool fish there, it was huge! I’m telling you, Mom, huuuuuuge!”

She chuckled and ruffled his hair.

“You’ll have to tell me all about it later. Now, go wash you hands.”

Robb did so without a fight.

“So what if I’m not alone?” she hissed at Edmure. “I thought I would have the afternoon free.”

Edmure grinned.

“Oh, are you finally getting some? I was starting to believe you had decided to go celibate.”

She smacked the back of his head.

“Ow!”

“Well, if you keep showing up when you’re not supposed to I will have to do it. Because thanks to you, my dear brother, I’m not getting some.”

“Where is he?” Edmure said curiously and looked around her.

“He’s going to leave now” she said just as Ned came out.

“Hello, Ned” Edmure said, grinning again.

Ned avoided eye contact.

“Hello, Edmure.”

Just then Robb came out of the bathroom. He stopped and stared at Ned.

“Are you my mom’s boyfriend?” he asked, as if that was the most natural thing in the world to ask someone.

Ned just coughed and Catelyn could feel herself blushing like a maniac. Why, Robb? That had been the worst thing he could have possibly said. Why couldn’t he have asked for his name, like a normal kid?

She looked between them and suddenly a realization hit her in the face. That was the first time they met. Robb was seeing his father, Ned was looking at his first son. And they didn’t even know it. Only she knew. In a better world they would have known, and Robb wouldn’t even have asked that question, because the answer would have been an obvious ‘yes’. Of course his parents were together, what a ridiculous question.

“No” she finally said. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Why not?”

For so many different reasons. He already had a wife, among other things.

“You can’t just ask people that, Robb” she said.

“I think it’s a very valid question” Edmure said.

Catelyn had to resist the urge to smack him again.

“I’m trying it teach him some manners, you are not helping.”

Ned took that opportunity and ran with it.

“You’ll have to excuse me” he said and walked past them. “I need to leave.”

And so he disappeared out the door without another word. He needed to go to  his wife and his son. The other son. Catelyn was not going to lie to herself, that did hurt.

“I knew you’d end up back together sooner or later” Edmure said as she made coffee for him five minutes later.

Robb sat in the living room, distracted by the TV.

“We definitely won’t” she said shortly.

She didn’t want to talk about it, she wanted to forget it ever happened.

“Why not?”

“He’s married, Ed. So I would really like it if you didn’t tell anyone you saw him here.”

Edmure was quiet for a moment. She wasn’t looking at him, but she could imagine that he was staring at her.

“Oh my gods. You really are too much sometimes, Cat.”

“Thanks, you too.”

[daxieoclock]

Birds and Flowers: Hunters Highlights

Just closed out another fucking MINDBLOWING session with some scenes I’ve been scheming in the background for literal months. These in-between times are going absolutely unreal and I NEED to share it with you all djfgbjdfg.

I’m including a bit from last session as well, since it’s also really good and helps set the scene.

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) A sizable white boat bobbing in the slight surf. Purple text on the side proclaims it "The Partridge."

The Partridge has an outside deck on the bow with some seats, and an inside room where the wheel is, lined with comfy couches. Before you cast off, Sakio addresses you all. "Hunters. You've done some truly amazing work. This isn't much of a celebration, but I hope you take some time to relax, and enjoy yourselves." She beams at you all. "I'm deeply proud of you for the steps you've taken within both Fractals and your own lives. I hope you can all find some pride in those accomplishments as well."

And the boat rumbles to life, and pushes out into the open ocean.

Blake Leto (Jane 🐈) Blake slides into the cabin and takes a seat on one of the couches, returning to their book.

Lena Tarr (Dave) Lena is gonna sit down on the same couch as Blake, and let out a weary sigh. "What'chu reading?"

Blake Leto (Jane 🐈) “Ah,” they look up, not having noticed her at first.

“Oh, you know me,” they say with a chuckle. “Just another mystery novel…” They shake their head. “Though this particular series feels like it’s going downhill…” they sound a little sad at that, turning the book over in their hands.

Lena Tarr (Dave) She chuckles. "Honestly, I couldn't tell. I don't get those at all." She nods to the book. "Everything's so. Complicated. But in kinda dumb ways."

Blake Leto (Jane 🐈) And they flash their a smile. “Yes, I suppose I can understand that. Although the world can be kind of like that too, can’t it?” And they give a little chuckle.

Lena Tarr (Dave) Lena grins. "Oh, you know it. Like. The thing with those three fucks? Dumb as all shit." She shrugs. "You can't escape it though. You can't just say that it's dumb and make them leave. You gotta." She twirls the cane in her hands. "Do something."

Blake Leto (Jane 🐈) They give her an uncertain look and then turn back to their book, idly flipping the pages in their hands. “Unfortunate as it is, I have to agree. Inaction is rarely the solution to anything. In fact, passivity is probably one of the traits that bothers me the most…” They grin a little as they say that.

Lena Tarr (Dave) "Hm." She keeps twirling her cane. "I don't know if one of those bastards came to you too, or someone else reached out to you, but I guess you should know. The dude I punched came to the campus. Made sure I knew the next time I get in his way it'll be bad." She grins at the floor. "Damned if you do, damned if you don't."

Blake Leto (Jane 🐈) They look back up, a little surprised. “Ah.” And they rest the book in their lap, expression becoming more serious, crossing their arms over their chest. “I see… in that case, we should be even more careful. And we ought to be proactive…” they adjust their glasses. “We don’t want to instigate conflict, but we also can’t let them step on us… you’re right that it’s a tricky situation.” They whip out their phone, typing something. “I’d prefer not to get you alone with him if we can help it. Chances are, if you’re in a group, he’ll back down. And if he doesn’t…” they shrug, their expression serious. “We can take him.”

Lena Tarr (Dave) She throws the cane from one hand to the other. "We shouldn't have to though. Heh." She bends over slightly and puts her weight on the cane. "Not like that changes anything." She thinks for a second. "I'm. Sorry. For making it worse." She snorts. "Probably won't be the last time."

Blake Leto (Jane 🐈) They chuckle a little. “Did you come here with the intention to bum me out…?” They smile, eyes on their feet, looking a little distant. “I’m not the type to happily let other people get stepped on if it makes my own life easier,” and they pause, catching the irony in that with a little smile. “Regardless of what you may have heard about me.” They shrug. “Whatever you may do, you’re a part of this team. And that means we will back up whatever actions you take. If you’ve picked this fight, then we’ll finish it. Simple as that.” And they give you a cheery little smile, one crafted for the cameras, though somehow it feels a little more genuine here, just a bit.

Lena Tarr (Dave) Lena looks at them for a moment, before leaning back on the couch, just a bit more relaxed. "You're really something, Leto. Really something." And she's smiling too.

**********

Sammy Cabra (Nyanko) I don't know boats very well, but Sammy is probably laying down on the deck of the boat somewhere-- not on a chair, like...on the floor-- if you want to go say hewwo--

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) Ilse follows Sammy onto the outer deck, happy to be in the sun and to feel the breeze.  They enjoy the sensation for a moment, then approach Sammy. “Mind if I join you?”

Sammy Cabra (Nyanko) Sammy is already flat on the ground, staring straight into the sun. They look at Ilse, "Please do!" they can't hide the excitement in their voice.

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) “Thank you” Ilse smiles widely and sits down, then fishes out of their bag and holds a pair of sunglasses over Sammy’s head. “Not to disturb your view, but I have them spare. Would you like them?”

Sammy Cabra (Nyanko) Sammy is startled by the sudden darkness the sunglasses have caused, but they quickly grab a hold of them. "F-For me? You're giving these to me?" Sammy sits up and scans the boat and sky, holding the shades up in front of them instead of putting them on. "I can really have these? You're giving me magic glasses?" Sammy looks at Ilse to confirm if they're serious or not.

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) Ilse is a bit taken aback by that strong reaction, and they rub the back of their neck before answering. “Not magic, I’m sorry, but yes. You can have them. Only if you want them, of course.”

Sammy Cabra (Nyanko) Sammy pauses for a long time, looking at you through the not-so-magic shades. There's a brief moment when you can see a tear start to roll down Sammy's face, but they quickly turn the other way. "I don't mind if they're not magic...you gave them to me, so I'm going to keep them forever..." Sammy wipes their eyes with their sleeves before turning back to Ilse. "I love them! Thank you!" Sammy gasps like they just had the BEST idea in the world. They grab their bag, that was always next to them and I totally didn't forget that they had this-- and start digging through it. After a bit, they pull out a small, clay, goat figurine. "Here! This will be my magic gift to you, for giving me magic glass!" They placed the goat figurine on your head instead of in your hands. "This is the lucky goat! They're super lucky and if you take them to the park on Wednesdays, the ice cream man will appear!" Sammy looks serious, so you can't tell if they're joking around or not.

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) Ilse stares at Sammy, first wondering if they did something wrong, then actively worried. They lift their hand, unsure what to do, before Sammy starts to speak and they leave the hand simply hanging, eyes following every of Sammy’s movements. Then, a goat on their head. Very carefully and still they reach for it, slowly lower it toward the gaze. “It’s beautiful. Thank you. I will be at the park next Wednesday. Will take it with me.” They look just as serious as Sammy.

**********

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) sakio's up on the outer deck, watching the waves

she's got a wide-brimmed yellow hat on

Camellia Pavel (Rhela) Camellia has been mostly quiet, bundled up and clearly not a fan of the cold. They sluggishly get up and trot over to sit by Sakio. "You seem awfully sunny despite being out in this freezing wet crap," they say good naturedly, if a bit grumpy.

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) She just shrugs, one hand on her hat, sending a smile at you. "I'm with good company," she says, raising her voice a little to be heard over the waves, but maintaining a soft tone. "Besides that, the semester's over. No more grading until March." She laughs. "Plenty more time to prioritize you all, before Spring semester begins. I don't have to feel guilty about giving you special treatment."

Camellia Pavel (Rhela) "I guess we HAVE kinda gotten the 'teacher's pet' status, for lack of better words. Maybe even exceeded," they smirked.

"I certainly suppose a break from your main job is welcome."

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) "Hm," Sakio says, and you can barely hear her. She takes a moment to just watch the waves. "Teaching is my passion. I wouldn't have taken the job if it hadn't been. Being a dean though...I can't say it's brought me a surplus of joy. It's a dirty job, I suppose, but someone has to do it. Might as well be me." She brushes a strand of hair behind one ear. "How are you, by the way?"

Camellia Pavel (Rhela) They bark a soft laugh. "True, true." A sudden gust of chilly wind rushed across the boat, making Camellia momentarily hunker further into their coat. "Ah, well enough. With some recent financial assets I've lived a bit more comfortably these past weeks. And I've been making more crafts as of late. It's eased my mind quite a deal."

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) "That's good," she says, nodding slightly. "Very good." A deep breath in, and out. "I'm a little curious, if you don't mind me asking. I've been thinking back to when we first met, and I can't seem to wrap my head around..." Sakio purses her lips. "On second thought, I don't believe I need to know. Perhaps it would simply be best for me to trust you, all of you, and leave well enough alone."

Camellia Pavel (Rhela) Camellia's eyes narrow momentarily, unsure and curious where Sakio's train of thought was heading. They huff a short chuckle as their gaze softens and diverts to the water below. "Well... I'll trust your trust."

**********

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) You all take a nice long boat ride, slowing a few times to admire distant sea lions on the shore or when Valerie thinks she spots a whale (she says it three separate times and at no point do you ever see a whale). After a few long hours, when the sun is starting to get a little lower in the sky, the Partridge is going to pull back into the Long View dock.

Lena Tarr (Dave) lena absolutely fell asleep

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) lena and camellia nap buddies? djhfbgjh

Lena Tarr (Dave) god knows we are sleeping!!!

in a warm little pile

Sammy Cabra (Nyanko) Sammy is also napping, but you can't tell because they're wearing their new cool shades in the same "I am looking directly at the sun" position--

*****

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) Camellia. It's dark. The lights that normally light the campus are all off. And you're running after someone. They're faster than you, which shouldn't be right, because you and them should always be at the same pace, you've always been in lock step but now they're ten paces ahead of you. It's like a game, except that you can't afford to lose, and they won't slow down. Frey won't wait for you.

Camellia Pavel (Rhela) They're panting, air entering their lungs like cold briars constricting in their chest as fire sears in their legs. Old shoes frantically hit the pavement and the noise echoes among the darkened campus as they run and run, but can't seem to catch up. "Frey, stop -- just stop! Please slow down, I can't reach you!"

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) And they turn midstep, and laugh. "Come on flower child," they say, and their voice is familiar, and yet not quite the way it should be. Like two tones woven together. "You know you're too high up by now. You're too close." And they hop over a small ledge.

When you follow, when you hop over that ledge too, your feet catch and you stumble and the campus is gone. And so is Frey. And you can see the world, from up here. Up on the edge of some shiny purple surface, staring down at the curvature of a violet Earth, neuron stars shifting across its infinite expanse.

"Too close," Frey's voice echoes. "Too close. Too close."

Camellia Pavel (Rhela) Camellia's breath comes in short panicked bursts as their head jerks back and forth, surveying their surroundings. Their face is disgusting, gummy with sweat, tears, and flecks of drool that glisten in the low purple glow. "I--," they gasp out. "What...?"

"I don't understand,"

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) You're standing on the edge of an enormous flower, on one of the petals, its stem stretching down and down and down until it bleeds into the world, bursts through its skin and spreads roots. Or, maybe it's the other way around.

Too close.

And a petal snaps off. Not the one you're on, but it drifts down, falling and falling.

Too far.

A petal snaps off.

Too close.

A petal snaps off.

Too far.

A petal snaps off.

Too close.

And you snap off. And plummet towards the world at a thousand miles an hour, like a shooting star.

And then you wake up. It's morning. You're covered in sweat, back in your apartment.

Camellia Pavel (Rhela) Camellia chokes out a gasp as they awaken, panting as they stared glass-eyed at the ceiling. "A nightmare...? they wonder. They breathe shakily and turn on their side, curling in on themself. "Or something more? I don't... I don't know anymore..." Sheets are pulled up over their head as they hide away from the lingering threads of the dream, as if still a child hiding away from the monsters they imagined dancing in the shadows of their closet.

**********

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) If possible, Ilse would like to go to the park in the hope of getting some ice cream. I was also thinking of doing a Twitch scene, but I don’t know if they would invite him along

Blake Leto (Jane 🐈) Ilse just texts twitch like “hey check this shit out I’ve got a magic goat”

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) He's got his hood up, and he looks a little bit like a zombie, kinda dazed, but he seems happy enough to join.

"So, uh," he mumbles, "park. There's an ice cream place downtown, you know. I mean, it kinda sucks, but it's there." The ice cream shop in question has like...exclusively artistically ice creams, nonsense hippie flavors that all taste 90% the same.

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) Ilse nods, eyes scanning the surrounding. “It...definitely is, yeah. But we might be lucky and have an ice man arriving here today? Or any ice person?” They twist the little goat in their hands. “I’m sorry if it was all for nothing in the end. If you’ll allow me then, I’ll invite you for a cup at the other place” Suddenly their eyes light up. “Care for a bet?”

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) Twitch raises an eyebrow. "Um, I'm not really...a betting person?" He shrugs. "I guess...uh, sure. Bet on whether ice cream shows up?"

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) “Bet on whether ice cream shows up!” They grin. “Wrong guess pays for the sweets?”

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) "Hm." Twitch takes a look around the empty park, and then down at the goat. "Okay. Uh. Yeah, sure. You're on." No sooner has he said that than you hear a distant jingle that causes Twitch to freeze in place, and you both see an elderly man behind a pushcart stroll into the park. "That...usually doesn't fuck me over that quickly." He gives a skewed little smile. "I'm buying?"

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) Ilse shakes their head in awe when they see the pushcart. “Honestly, I was pretty sure I would be the one paying. So...only if you want to.” They return the smile, a bit shy, then straighten up. “I bet this one’s going to be better than what they have downtown.”

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) "Probably." His smile is a little more honest now. "I think, uh, I'm getting hungry! So let's go!" And he rushes ahead to the cart.

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) Ilse smiles, pets the goat slightly before putting it in the pocket of their pants and rushing after Twitch.

**********

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) What place could be used for proficiency/agility skill points? I’m sorry I’m forgetting all the details

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) proficiency isssss Camellia's favored back alley, i believe

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) Ah, yeah! Thank you! Can I go there and also look for a trinket to possibly gift Puck?

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) hmm

okay i will say "yes and", absolutely djfbgjh but i will let u know that buttering up Puck is only gonna get you so far, because im gating Fool requirements behind plot beats djfbgjh

you don't find much of anything, but then you hear a calm voice over your shoulder. "Yo, you're uhhh, the fuckin, sporty lady and little goat buddy's friend, right?" And Theo crouches down next to you. "Whatcha looking for? Didja drop something?" He immediately begins searching as well.

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) Gghgggh!!!

Lena Tarr (Dave) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blake Leto (Jane 🐈) The real treasure was Theo all along

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) “Oh” Ilse’s first instinct is to move a step back or to the side and give Theo space, but then they realize what he’s doing. “Thank you, yeah, I think I am...didn’t drop anything, was just looking. Of I could find something nice or interesting. Something one could give to a friend who likes trinkets and stuff?” They scratch their neck and look up for a moment. “Nothing to worry about, but thank you”

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) "Ohhh," Theo says. And he plops back, reclining on the ground. "Totally getcha. Like, last year I tried to get Bee a seashell, but Long View is like...not a good place for shells. Or water. Or surfing." He lets out a long, melancholy sigh. Then he perks up. "Oh! Like, instead of the shell, I made her some brownies, so maybe..." Theo reaches into his bag and then smacks a plastic-wrapped cookie into your hand. "Here you go, dude. Snack for your pal."

Ilse Belanger (Ralu) Ilse’s eyes wides, and once they realize the cookie is already in their hand, there’s no giving back, the look into Theo’s face, still a bit flabbergasted. “That’s not necessary, but...thank you. Cookies are always a great idea” They smile at him. “Thank you”

**********

Lena Tarr (Dave) ok ok ok. i am thinking.

that i wanna bother someone. so im wondering what masumis doing fdgdfgdf

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) heck yeah djfgbjh

Masumi is still on campus during break. Plus since she's your RA, you have her number.

Lena Tarr (Dave) Lena is gonna camp out in the common area until she sees her fgdfgdf

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) She walks out of her room with a towel around her head, stares at you, walks back into her room and five minutes later comes back out with dry hair and a glare that could cut through concrete. "What?" she says.

Lena Tarr (Dave) She stretches casually, like she wasn't waiting for Masumi, specifically, to show up. "Nothing much. What's up?"

Blake Leto (Jane 🐈) Important question: did Masumi change into her full fuckin suit during that time or is she wearing somethin more casual Bc if she took the time to get the whole suit on that’s so powerful

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) oh djfgbjhdgf she's wearing like...a black skirt and a white button up i think. still formal, but compared to her normal outfit it's very relaxed.

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) Masumi just sort of squints at you, tilting her head slightly. "I'm on break," she says, bluntly. "What do you think?"

Lena Tarr (Dave) Lena sighs. "Fair enough." She leans back, brows furrowing. "I'll be fast. You know Sakio pretty well, right?"

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) "As well as the President of the Student Council can and should know one of her teachers who is also the dean of Humanities," Masumi replies immediately. "I've worked with her enough to know her type. That's all you need to know."

Lena Tarr (Dave) She tilts her head to the side. "And what's that type like?"

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) Masumi sighs, adjusts her hair. "Saint Sakio," she says, her tone quiet and bitter. "The self appointed virtuous paragon, decrier of all hypocrisies but her own, leaping at her own sword just for the chance it might help someone else." She rolls her eyes. "She's an idiot, and she's stubborn, and she thinks she's right."

Lena Tarr (Dave) Lena nods, thinks for a bit. "Do you think that." She clicks her tongue. "Has her stubbornness ever done. More harm than good? In your opinion?"

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) "Unquestionably," she says. "She's a teacher, through and through. More a propensity for talking than listening." A clear sore spot, and Masumi seems to catch herself, her tone evening out. "But that's not to say that she's technically incorrect, all the time. She's talented and experienced and intelligent, and she knows that. Which makes the task of challenging her on those blind spots all the more daunting."

Lena Tarr (Dave) "Fuck if you aren't right." She drags a hand across her face. "Thanks." She leans her head back, staring at the ceiling. "I really. Hate teachers. And directors."

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) "Hm." Masumi brushes a strand of hair behind one ear in almost the same way as you've seen Sakio do, often enough. "I suppose we have that in common." And with that, she heads off.

**********

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) There's a box in your closet. And I think there's been a few days where the thought of opening it has crossed your mind, you've maybe wanted to, but so far every time you have decided to leave it closed.

Today is one of the days when you think about that box.

Sammy Cabra (Nyanko) Sammy opens up their closet on the left side. They've hesitated for long enough. "Okay...Okay..." They slowly drag the box out from the closet, the weight on top stays put. They take a deep breath in. and a deep breath out. "I can't keep hiding from you... I need to know..." They pick up the weight with ease, as if picking up a small rock, and place it back down on the floor. "You can do this..." They close their eyes and...take off the lid.

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) It smells like dust. You can't see anything with your eyes closed. Churro is probably butting his head against your arm and making little mrow noises.

Sammy Cabra (Nyanko) Sammy opens their eyes. Still scared of what awaits them inside. They've thought about this moment forever, what kind of awful message awaits them inside? Maybe it's a note that says "loser" or something...Sammy takes a look inside.

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) The three items on the very top of the small pile are a flower made out of popsicle sticks that you gave to her, a bubble blower that you used to play together with, and a piece of crumpled paper. Upon closer inspection, it's a very messy drawing of your Fractals outfit, with smudged text pointing to different sections of the costume. "Goat tail? Do goats have tails?" and "Very very green" and "Make sure there's room for their horns!" At the very top of the page, it says: "Poncho for Sammy." Underneath those is a photo album.

Sammy Cabra (Nyanko) Sammy carefully and slowly takes out every item one by one. They can't help but feel saddened by the flower on top. The first gift they ever gave her. Why would she leave that? Then the bubble blower and then the paper of their poncho. "I was wondering where you put these...I tried to find them the day I went looking for you but..." They pick up the photo album. They're silent for a long time before opening it up. Pictures of Sammy...Pictures of Churro...Pictures of... "Tango..." Sammy flips through all the pages.

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) There's so many photos there that you recognize. Of you, of her, of the both of you. The farther you go, there's less of you, less of her. More nature, and abstraction, and strangers. And more empty spaces, photos absent from where they should be. Until finally, on the very last page, there's just a single photo - one you don't recognize. A silhouette of a young woman with long hair, blowing a dandelion across a dark sky. There's text underneath: "Daisy" and a little heart drawing.

And underneath the photo album, at the bottom of the box, is a flyer from a big music concert that happened in your sophomore year of high school, with a smudged phone number you can't read and a lipstick mark in the bottom corner.

And beneath that is a very carefully, politely folded piece of paper. "For Sammy" it says.

Sammy Cabra (Nyanko) Sammy is already fighting back tears from the drastic change the album had taken without them. They're less confused and more sad that they barely opened it up now. "Who...?" Sammy looks at the picture of the girl before picking up the little piece of paper. "Ah man...you shouldn't have..." They are very much crying at this point. They unfold the paper, joking, "What wonderful masterpiece have you granted me as a last goodbye?"

Everyone Else (DaxieVane) sammy,

if you are reading this, then i am somewhere very far away now. i dont know how far, and i dont know where i'll end up. im sorry. i don't want to leave, but i know i might have to. you know i'm bad at keeping secrets, and i've been keeping one for a long time. even from you. i'm so sorry, but if i'm gone, then i can't ever come back.

i know it will hurt you, and it breaks my heart. you are my best and most wonderful friend, and i will miss you forever and always. i will miss you more than the sun misses the moon. more than the flower misses the bird. you made me want to love myself, because you loved me.

i know i must have hurt you by leaving. i don't ask you to forgive me, not for that. not for breaking my promise. but if you want me again, even as i can't return, i give you permission: come and find me.

your friend, always,

tangerine

Sammy Cabra (Nyanko) Every word feels like a punch to the heart. I'm sorry? I'll miss you?  Sammy wipes their tears with their sleeve. "What...What? What is this...?" And then the last line, "Come find you..." It takes a minute for that to process, but when  it does, Sammy bolts up straight. "COME FIND YOU!?" It feels like they've been given the key to the universe. That means they're definitely alive and definitely want to see them again...right? This isn't the loser message they were expecting at all, it's so much worse! "W-Where???" Then Sammy turns back to the photo album. "Daisy...girl Daisy....Daisy..." Sammy repeats this, making sure to engrave it into their mind. "I will! I'll do it! I'll find you!" Sammy picks up Churro, "We'll do it!!" And with that, they spend the rest of their night trying to piece everything together...although they're still a little lost.

**********

Sammy 🐐 Excuse me! Everyone! This is kind of an emergency and I'm sorry if this seems really random, but has anyone seen a girl named Daisy? And would anyone like to help me find a girl named Daisy... Or just a Daisy, it might be a flower, I'm not sure!!!!

Blake ✨ Are you alright? What kind of emergency are we talking about? I could certainly ask my contacts to look into this girl if you have a full name or any other details, but you’re saying it may also just… refer to the flower?

Sammy 🐐 Uhm! This is like...life or death to me!

Well maybe not that extreme, but... it's really really super important to me! She has long hair and uhm...she might be into music? I have a paper with some stuff on it I can show you the next time I see you. D:

And her name might be Daisy? that's all I can think of, I'm sorry...

Blake ✨ I… see. So to summarize, you’re searching for this girl, with only an idea of her first name, or what may be a nickname, and a vague understanding of who she is. Is there some connection to someone else? Do you have a photo?

I’d be more than happy to help you solve this little mystery of course, but first and foremost we’ll need intel.

Sammy 🐐 She...does have a connection but that.... doesn't exist right now. Uhm...I do have a photo! So does that mean you'll help me? :)

I'll bring everything to you first thing! thank you so much, Blakey! 🌟

[seyaryminamoto]

Seyaryyy, it's been a "long" time since I asked you something spoilery about Gladiator =D.

... So, I was writing a pretty lengthy and detailed answer, switched to another tab for a second, and when I came back, my answer was gone and the tab had refreshed! :’D FUN.

... Okay. I’ll try to be a little more concise this time around. As the questions are pretty spoilery, I’ll hide them under the cut too :’D

My question will be about Zhaozula of course. That marriage will happen and things won't be so nice in part 3 in general.

But you mentioned that she won't be on bad terms with her husband all along.

So, will she try to find comfort on him with everything going on? Like accepting it and trying to make the best? Is he going to kinda fall for her or something like that?

And is Rei going to play an important role in part 3??

Sorry if it's too spoilery but as you know, this marriage is something I totally look forward to. I'm waiting for it since the 2nd reviews party.=')

Your wording of what I said about Azula not always being on bad terms with Zhao makes me think I either didn’t explain myself properly, or details of my plans have changed gradually since then...? Either thing is entirely possible, I must admit.

A quick search reveals that I said, 5 years ago, when you asked if they’d get ever along...:

Yeah, surprisingly, but prior to the whole marriage mess they will get along a little better, and will have to work together to resolve a particular problem. Zhao likes the idea of being some sort of mentor to Azula in regards of the Gladiator Business. Azula doesn’t like his behavior much when he gets like that, makes her feel underestimated, but she’s going to make the most of the advantages Zhao offers either way... so yeah, she will work with him when she deems it convenient or necessary. They won’t be BFFs, but Azula will grow to tolerate the man a lot more in the forseeable future.

All this is referring to Part 2 alone, I have to admit. While yes, a lot of my plans have changed and Zhao ended up being a lot more complex than I originally thought he’d be (so not everything in this answer applies 100% to what’s really in the story these days), back when I answerd this question I was referring to Part 2 alone, hence the brief clarification that “prior to the whole marriage mess” they’d get along better. This answer applies exclusively to things that would happen before they’re arranged to marry, not after (a lot of these developments are things we’ve already seen happen throughout Part 2).

Anyways, Azula has been in good terms with Zhao for a while now, since chapter 138 or so, and while there’s ups and downs, their relationship is honestly at its best through Part 2, by far. At the end of Part 2 it will start decaying again, and throughout Part 3 it will only continue to do so.

Without giving too much away, I can say Zhao will try to be generous with Azula in Part 3, to give her as much space as she needs, he will want to be patient so she can adapt to their new situation. And while being as nice as he can be, in such a not-nice-at-all situation, he won’t realize he’s playing into her schemes exactly as she needs him to. By the time he takes notice of this, it’s too late for him to do anything about it: the damage is done, and he isn’t pleased in the least that Azula manipulated him at will.

This will result in Zhao reacting rather adversely towards Azula, and their relationship goes downhill since then. Azula won’t really make any other moves against Zhao after this, won’t even try to manipulate him again, but Zhao won’t see her as someone who needs help anymore. Rather, he sees her as a threat and danger to himself, and every small move she makes, he assumes she’s making it to screw him over somehow, even if that’s not the case.

So... while I’m afraid you won’t really be happy with this answer, their relationship is really at its best right now, before the marriage arrangement even comes to anyone’s mind. Zhao will also take to doing certain things in Part 3 that I honestly don’t think you’ll be happy with... but it’s stuff that ties in with what little we know about his personal life at the moment, so I hope it won’t feel out of place since it’s what I’ve always planned. Either way, I can sum this up by saying Zhao tries his best for Azula at first, until he feels she took advantage of his kindness to turn him into a mindless puppet she was stringing about for her own benefit. After he reaches that conclusion, there’s really no amending this relationship anymore.

Hence, no, Azula never really is in a position where she would seek comfort in Zhao in any sense, for, at the point where he’s at his nicest, she’s at her darkest, and doesn’t want his kindness and consideration. By the time she starts to recover, she has already made her big move and Zhao becomes a lot more hostile towards her, so there’s no attempt to find comfort later on either.

If Azula hadn’t come up with that scheme, there could be a chance Zhao would develop some sort of emotional attachment towards her... but he really doesn’t see her as a romantic interest for himself, even if he can certainly admire her looks, but he’s really not that romantic a man in Gladiator. He outright told Sokka, back when he realized Sokka had feelings for Azula, that he should move on and find other people because he’s young and will get over it... 

“...there are other women, you know. I realize you may think she's the only one worth loving, if I were your age I would think the same, but part of growing up is accepting you can find the right girl at the right time, rather than to obsess with the same one forever.”

That was a slightly sneaky way of me to show what Zhao’s personal views of romance are. While there’s obviously a potentially romantic way to develop characters like these, by giving them a significant relationship with someone who will teach them to let go of their skepticism about true love and whatnot, that’s not what will happen with Zhao, especially because of what Azula’s schemes result in.

And the truth is, Azula’s schemes are the only reason why she agrees to the marriage arrangement at all, so... there’s really no possible happy outcome for this relationship in Gladiator. The whole thing is born in the worst of circumstances, between two people who are between reluctant and outright unwilling to be with each other, no matter if they were on good terms shortly before these developments happened... so I’m afraid it won’t be quite what you may have hoped it was. Sorry if my wording was confusing before, or if my plans have changed too much, but there really won’t be much in the way of positive development for that marriage, once it happens.

And now, as for Rei...

... Truthfully, I don’t want to spoil this, but Rei is going to become one of the first good things to happen to Azula in Part 3. The bond between them is seriously heartwarming for me, and I know it sounds weird that Azula will get along so well with Rei when I’m basically saying her relationship with Rei’s father will be a downwards spiral... but Rei, goes without saying, isn’t her father. What Azula already knows about her, at the earliest point in time in Part 3, is enough to establish an initially small bond that will grow tighter as the story progresses. 

Rei has had a very complicated life so far. She will serve to show a glimpse of Zhao’s nicest side... yet her very existence is also a highlight of some of Zhao’s nastier flaws. He has been quite kind to Rei and he’s very protective of her, yet... he’s also not kind enough, if that makes sense? He has always been distant with Rei, he’s not exactly a man who knows how to be a father (I mean... she’s serving as a maid at his household? That’s not quite what most people would do with their children, even if they are illegitimate, ESPECIALLY their only child...), so their relationship is already complicated: once Azula is factored in, it gets even more complicated :’D

I don’t really want to give away a lot about Rei, but she is veeeery important in Part 3. I will admit, her role in the story changed gradually -- I always conceived her as Zhao’s illegitimate child, but back when she first showed up (chapter 138) I honestly had no idea what her ultimate role would be. I actually ended up regretting briefly the idea of featuring her as Zhao’s illegitimate child since I thought it’d cause unnecessary drama, and I damn near backtracked on it, to feature her as just his maid and nothing more during Hahn’s Gambit... but then I pondered what Part 3 could look like if Rei, as Zhao’s illegitimate daughter, was part of the equation. And, boy... the result was magical. Thus, instead of backtracking, I went full-speed ahead with making Rei his illegitimate daughter... and here we are!

I seriously look forward to writing Azula and Rei’s relationship, it’s one of the things I’m most excited about in Part 3. While Azula’s relationship with Zhao will be very complicated and not in a cute way (at least, not for me? could be you’ll enjoy it anyhow, I don’t know xD), her relationship and dynamics with Rei are just wonderful to me. I’ve tried to contain my hype about her character, but people on Twitter have known me to suddenly scream “REEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!” in completely out-of-context tweets just because she gives me too many feels whenever I think about her x’DDDDD I figure that will speak for itself regarding how much her character means to me (and to the story).

I hope this is a comprehensive enough answer for both your questions!

[peace-coast-island]

Diary of a Junebug

Cozy knits, cardamom donuts, and turtledove butterflies

There's something so warm and inviting about hand knitted stuff. Maybe I'm biased because I'm a knitter, but there's really something special about knitting things. With needles and yarn, the possibilities are endless!

This gyroid event is a cozy knitwear theme, a collaboration between Daisy Jane, Tiffani, and Rowan. Collecting gyroids around the camp has been putting me in the mood to knit again, specifically a big project.

It's been years since I've made a sweater but I really feel like making one. Sweaters tend to be a hit or miss with me, which is why I rarely make them. Measurements aren't my strong suit but they're a big deal if you're making clothes. Constant counting as well because you have to make sure you have the exact amount of stitches or else everything's off. Also, it takes commitment to make a sweater, even a simple one, so that's another reason why I stick to simple projects like scarves.

I'm in the process of looking up simple sweater patterns so let's see how long this spark of motivation lasts. Making a sweater can be frustrating and time consuming, but it really is rewarding when it's finally finished.

Tiffani and Rowan are here with us at the camp to join in on the event as well as take a well deserved vacation. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen either one - Tiffani had dropped by the camp a couple years ago while Rowan's been out and about traveling the world. It was a pleasant surprise to find out that they've been working on gyroid designs with Daisy Jane.

I'm glad to see many entourage members thriving, especially after things went downhill with the university. Tiffani started her own fashion line called Stellar where everything's ethically made and a good portion of the proceeds go to charities that help abuse victims. Being a survivor of child abuse, Tiffani puts a lot of time and effort to use her influence to spread awareness and resources to help those who need it.

Rowan, a figure skater, is the co-founder of Stellar. He too grew up in an abusive household and is also an activist for abuse victims as well as the trans community. He's got an interesting story, one of victory as he and a couple friends were responsible for taking down a corrupt fashion design label.

In fact, he's working on a memoir tentatively titled "How I Destroyed Traynor's By Being Super Fake". The title alone sounds like an interesting read. People have approached him for years about writing a book, something he was considering as he had a lot to say about his father and stepmother. By now enough time has passed that his ex-family are beyond caring so he can freely talk about them without dealing with their associates threatening him.

Rowan always had a complicated relationship with his father. His mother died of cancer when he was ten and he never forgave his father for not letting him say goodbye to her. Not too long after that Wilfred married his mistress Caitlin and Rowan gained two step-siblings, Portia and Chad. Wilfred and Caitlin created Traynor's Fashion, an elite luxury label that developed quite a reputation.

Growing up in that household was torture for Rowan, so he left as soon as he could. He found solace in ice skating, an activity he and his mom bonded over. Rowan practiced for hours while his so-called family mocked him and eventually his efforts led to him getting a scholarship with a shot at a career in competitive figure skating.

Unfortunate circumstances and burnout forced Rowan to go back home, where he was known as the loser who couldn't kick it in the real world. Determined to get out, Rowan tried to work his way up in Traynor's, only to remember that hard work at a place like that won't get him anywhere, especially for someone like him. Rowan considered fashion design as a backup if figure skating didn't work out, but Traynor's was the absolute last place he wanted to start over. He only stayed for a few months before getting kicked out because of Portia and Chad.

Rowan would’ve been broke and homeless if it weren’t for aspiring fashion designers Victor, Ella, and Michele. The three were screwed over by Traynor’s and were trying to put together evidence to bring the company down. Victor used to work there before getting thrown under the bus in order for the company to save face. If it wasn't for that alone, Victor would've quit anyway because of the toxic environment and questionable ethics. Michele, another fashion designer, had her career end before it even started when Portia and Chad stole her work and accused her of plagiarism. Ella was the founder of Fairytale Castle, a small fashion company that ended up shutting down because friends of Wilfred and Caitlin were sent to harass her and sabotage her designs.

With Rowan on their side, exposing Traynor’s corruption became a reality. By disguising himself as a snooty fashion designer named Creighton Adcock, Rowan was able to infiltrate the studio. He wore a ridiculous getup and sported an exaggerated English accent - the more fake he came across, the more believable he was. It was pure torture, having to pander to his so-called family but it was so totally worth it.

The big expose took place on an important night for Traynor's and overnight the company fell. Spite and revenge had never been sweeter. Most of the employees as well as Rowan's ex-family were stacked with numerous charges like harassment, assault, embezzling, tax evasion, unethical practices, etc - they got what they deserved. Of course, there was backlash but once that died down, Rowan and the others were ready to move on.

Rowan went back to ice skating, though more for performance than competition - which was the reason why he almost quit in the first place. While posing as Creighton, Rowan had to sit through some shit, so to unwind, he would go out to the ice rink. Being on the ice made him realize how much he missed skating, though not the competition part. Rowan always says he's more of a performer than a competitor - the latter being the reason why he almost gave up because it took away the fun for him.

As for fashion, he does some design on the side like Tiffani. Then the two got together and launched Stellar earlier this year. He considers his relationship with fashion design as a sort of love-hate thing. For obvious reasons Rowan grew to resent it, especially when his father tried to force him into the business. He didn't hate it entirely, but when it's associated with people who failed to give you a good upbringing, it's hard to separate the two. Though since meeting Jamie and going back to skating, Rowan's slowly stepping back into the fashion design world after being on the fence about it for so long.

Joining forces with Tiffani and starting Stellar was unexpected. The partnership just came together and before they knew it, they were coming up with a bunch of ideas together. I honestly was surprised to hear from Jamie that Rowan was working on fashion designs. Then Stellar launched not too long after and it's actually been kinda therapeutic for Rowan and Tiffani.

I'm glad that both of them are out there living their best lives, far, far away from their abusers - most of whom are in jail, thankfully. They got lucky and after what they've been through, they want to do whatever they can to help other abuse victims. They're the kind of people who keep their word and they actively work to make the world a better place. No performative bullshit here.

Tiffani and Rowan have been here for a couple days now, enjoying the camp and all its lovely scenery. We've been collecting knit gyroids around the camp and checking in with OK Motors. Rowan had some car trouble so it was lucky that it managed to survive the long trip from Peace Coast to here. Since his car's pretty old, the repairs will take a while, which he doesn't mind. Beppe's also throwing in a free paint job so the car will be like new once it's finished.

Yesterday we went to the mountain trail, where not only we found gyroids, but also turtledove butterflies. They only show up around this time and after three years, I finally got to see them! I hardly venture around these parts because it's kinda out of the way but now I'm slowly expanding my horizons.

Turtledove butterflies are such majestic creatures. From the way they flutter about, their soft blue and white patterned wings contrasting nicely with the mountain view - like straight out of a lovely painting!

There's so much around the camp that I have yet to explore, I hope one day I'll know these places like the back of my hand.

Along the way and back we collected gyroids. Crafting gyroid furniture is always fun, seeing what kind of stuff we can make from them. I love the cozy knitwear aesthetic so much, it's easily one of my favorite themes! Tiffani, Rowan, and Daisy Jane did an amazing job with the designs. Given how much fun they had with the planning, there's likely going to be a second collaboration in the future, which I'm definitely looking forward to.

In between collecting gyroids and camp activities, we also got into knitting. That's why I've been in a knitting mood again. Rowan just learned how to knit last year and it's his new favorite hobby. He made a pair of leg warmers that look super snazzy, Tiffani's working on a cute beanie, Daisy Jane got started on a pretty lace scarf, and I just finished with a beaded headband.

Now I'm looking for sweater patterns and I already have some saved. Since I'm rusty with clothes, I'm sticking to something simple. The seed stitch ones are catching my eye as it's a simple pattern that looks nice, especially in pastel since that's what I've been into lately. Hopefully by tomorrow I have settled on a pattern so I can get started while I'm in the mood.

Today was a chill day where we stayed at the main camp. In between crafting, collecting, and camping, we baked donuts. I was kinda intimidated by donuts because it involves using the deep fryer but the whole process itself isn't too complicated. Making the dough was easy, using the deep fryer took some getting used to.

We made a bunch of different kinds - cardamom cream, apple cider, vanilla spice, and pumpkin pecan. The cardamom and vanilla ones are from Emilia Eats, the apple cider from Rustic Kitchen, and pumpkin pecan from Calico Bakery. They're all great, though if I had to choose, my favorite would be the cardamom cream. Pumpkin pecan comes a close second.

Since the donuts were a hit, we're thinking of baking cookies next. Tiffani wants to try out a black sesame recipe, Daisy Jane bookmarked a maple hazelnut recipe, Rowan has his eye on chocolate chip cheesecake cookies, and I always wanted to try earl grey shortbread.

Right now, we're enjoying donuts while knitting and crafting gyroids. Rowan's really becoming a pro at knitting as he wants to take on cables next. I kinda have a love-hate relationship with cables - they look good but take a bit of effort. I'll admit I haven't quite mastered them yet as I can't do a simple cable without having to refer to a pattern as a reference.

Warm, cozy knitwear and fresh baked goods - it doesn't get any better than that!

[holylulusworld]

Worth her ring – Part 1

Summary: You were Steve’s best friend until you chose neither Tony’s nor Steve’s side.

Pairing: Steve x Reader, Tony Stark, Bucky Barnes, Natasha Romanoff, OFC’s Stacy, Sam Wilson, Thor Odinson

Warnings: angst, unrequited love, complicated friendship, heartbreak, sad reader, mentions of miscarriage and injuries

Worth her ring Masterlist

 Your eyes meet his and he looks away as always since you refused to choose a side, a rather since you refused to choose his side.

He forgave Tony and Tony forgave him, but Steve’s and your friendship was the victim of the civil war between Captain America and Iron Man.

Your eyes drift toward the woman at his side…model type. Barely able to conduct a reasonable conversation she giggles the whole time. Almost clinging to every word Steve says.

But he chose her over you. Well, you were never on his list…

“You should congratulate him, Y/N. Maybe you can be friends again.” Nat says and you scoff.

“I tried, Nat. I didn’t choose Tony’s side. I was neutral. Tony accepted my decision as a real man. He understood I didn’t want to get between the lines. In the end, I helped Sam and the others escape but this was not enough for Steve.”

“Maybe he’s just pissed…”

“No, Nat. He was pissed at Tony as he wanted to sign the contract and as he was following him. But he forgave Tony and the others…he hates me for not choosing his side.”

“But you are here…come on.”

“Shall I come with you?” Bucky asks.

“I don’t know…” You sigh. Bucky became a good friend after he moved into the tower. Oddly, the man you didn’t help to escape likes you more than your former best friend.

“Come on, doll. If he bites, I’ll bite back.” Not waiting for your response Bucky takes your hand to lead you toward Steve. Looking at his girlfriends’ hand you swallow hard. She’s wearing his mother’s ring…The ring …

“Congratulations, Steve, Stacy. Seems like you finally found someone worth your mother's ring.” You say bitterly before letting go of Bucky’s hand.

“You didn’t buy me a new ring, Stevie? You gave me the used ring of your mother?” Stacy mutters and you scoff.

“Perfect choice…what a pity that I wasn’t worth her ring.” You snarl turning on your heels.

Dumbfounded James watches you storm out of the room. His eyes drift toward Steve’s shocked face…no one can know…no one can ever know.

“Will you tell me what this was all about? Cause for sure you two weren’t just friends. Right, Stevie?” Bucky grunts.

“We were…maybe we were more than just friends before…”

“Before me? Dammit, Steve! That’s the reason she barely leaves her room? I thought it’s me or something, but we like each other. You dumped her as she didn’t want to help you to save me, seriously? You let a girl like her go for someone like Stacy? Damn, she doesn’t even understand what the ring at her finger means to you. Shame on you Rogers.”

Shaking his head Bucky runs after you to try to calm you but he can’t find you anywhere.

----

“Are you okay, Lady Y/N?” Thor asks seeing the tears streaming down your face.

“No, I’m not Thor. But thanks for your concern. I just saw something breaking me even more if that’s even possible.”

“His choice is bad if you ask me.” The Asgardian says.

“I wasn’t on his list so…”

“List?”

“Of girls worth his mother’s ring. He only gave me a cheap silver band when he asked me to become his wife.” You whisper.

“He wanted to marry you?”

“That was a lifetime away…before the civil war…before everything went downhill with the Avengers.”

“But we are better now, a strong team, Y/N. I found a new home here…even Loki.”

“I know, but Steve can’t forgive me I didn’t choose a side. I’m a traitor to him.”

“I don’t think I understand. Tony forgave you too. You didn’t choose his side either. It doesn’t make sense to me. Am I getting something wrong?” Thor asks.

“No, you don’t get anything wrong. He doesn’t want to forgive me. He chose the easy way to get rid of me. I wasn’t the right girl either way.” You sniffle wiping the tears away with the back of your hand.

“Then he’s a blind man. No one has more grace or beauty than you, my lady.”

“You are a gentleman, my friend.”

“Honestly that’s not true. I used to be loud, drunk and always ready for a fight. I learned my lesson after my father sent me to your world.”

“Hmm…I like the new Thor.”

“Me too. Maybe Steve needs an experience like that too?”

  “Wouldn’t change the fact he is already over me, ready to marry someone else after not even a year. He never loved me, I guess.”

“I’m sorry to hear.”

“Don’t be Thor. Thanks for listening to me.” You say. Standing on tiptoes you kiss his cheek softly and he slightly flushes red. “You’re a good man, never let anyone tell you, you are not.”

Walking away you can’t see Steve’s stunned expression after he heard your conversation with Thor. He didn’t know you still feel like this about him.

He didn’t know you still love him…

----

“That’s all for today I think,” Tony explains and you nod. Thankfully he didn’t talk much longer as Steve seems to be in one of his moods.

Staring holes into your skull he waits for everyone else to leave the room, knowing you are always the last one leaving the room.

The crowd slowly leaves the room and you are alone with Steve and his boring looks.

“Everything could’ve been different if you would’ve chosen my side,” Steve says, and you turn around.

“No…it wouldn’t be different, Captain. I would wear a cheap silver band while you wait for a better woman to come around. I gave you everything I had to give, but I wasn’t worth your mother’s ring. You gave it to someone not even recognizing how special the ring she’s wearing is.”

“You only had to choose me…” He tries again.

“I couldn’t choose a side! I didn’t want to fight!” You yell now.

“You’re an Avenger. You always chose the fight. Don’t lie to me.”

“You want to know the truth? You should choose your answer wisely, Steve.”

“I want to know the truth wherefore you betrayed me. You of all people.”

“I couldn’t fight as…”

“Why couldn't you fight?” Steve yells.

Tears well up your eyes at the memory. Your lips start trembling, just like your hands. Not understanding your reaction Steve stares at you until you finally find your voice.

“I was pregnant back then.” You whisper.

His blue eyes focused on your sad expression Steve swallows hard. His hands start shaking and he wants to touch your arm, but you shove him away.

“What happened…? Did you…abort it?”

Scoffing you shake your head. “Remember, you made a mess at the airport. I had to come around with Nat to help you and Bucky escape. But you didn’t stay to see what happened next. Rhodey crashed in his suit. Parts of the suit flew into all directions.” Lifting your shirt, you show Steve a scar along your stomach. “One of the parts hit me…I barely made it, but the baby didn’t stand a chance. That’s what happened to my baby.”

Not knowing how to react Steve just stares at you with tears in his eyes. He wants to hug you, hold you but your eyes tell him to not touch you.

“I’m sorry…” He chokes out.

“Me too as this was your choice. Choices have consequences. You can be happy with your new girl, have children. I can’t have any of this.”

“You could have a new baby.”

“No…I can’t. The damage was too big…there’s barely a chance for me to ever have a baby again.” You whisper grabbing your things to leave the room.

“Please…I’m so sorry.”

“Save it, Steve. You’ve got someone better now. Someone without a will or even a brain. The perfect Captain America groupie.”

“Can we not at least be friends?”

“No, Steve, we can’t be friends. What happened at the airport wasn’t your fault, it was an accident. But what happened after you returned with Bucky was your fault. You tossing me away was your fault, you not being there for me after I lost our baby was your fault and you fucking that whore after I gave you my innocence was your fault. I don’t want to be your friend as I hate you. I hate you as you make me feel like a cheap slut not worth your mother’s ring. I was your friend, lover and the one always believing in you, but I wasn’t worth her ring.”

“Y/N, please hear me out. The reason I didn’t give you my mother's ring…” He wants to say more but you raise your hand.

“I don’t want to know. We are done. I’m just done with you, with your lies and your attitude. Save it and fuck yourself, Rogers. I’m not falling for your lies or your blue eyes anymore.” You say storming out if the room.

----

“She was pregnant?” Bucky asks after his friend poured out his heart.

“Hmm…that was the reason she didn’t choose a side. She wanted to find a way to tell me about the baby, according to Natasha.”

“Nat knew?”

“She was the only one. Y/N wanted to tell me after the fight with Tony about the contract but then there was the attack, Peggy died, and she wanted to tell me later.” Steve says staring at his hands. “She can’t have another baby, Buck. This is all my fault. I left her alone after we came back. I was wondering why she was so sad.”

“Dude you could’ve asked her, or at least listened to her. All you did was ignoring her. Even I saw the sadness in her eyes and I barely knew her.” Bucky says not looking at his friend.

“What can I do?”

“Nothing, I guess. You chose this boring chick over Y/N. Now you must marry her. She has your mother's ring after all.” James says with a hint of anger in his voice. “I still don’t know why you gave the ring to someone like Stacy. I mean seriously she’s dumber than a slice of bread.”

“Buck…”

“Save it, Stevie. I’m going to see if I can help Y/N. You’re not the man I used to know. I got no clue why, but this is far from being something the old Steve would’ve done. I don’t like the new Steve.” Getting up Bucky walks out of Steve’s room without giving him a second glance. “You’re going to regret that you ever let her go.”

----

Your hands are shaking as you sit on the floor with the ultrasound picture in your hand. It’s all you’ve got left of your baby. You barely recognize Bucky entering your room.

His eyes drift toward the picture in your hand and he sits next to you. The tears won’t stop falling and you don’t try to stop them at all.

“That was your baby?” James asks softly.

“’s all I got left.” You sniffle.

“Looked like a bean but cute.”

“I guess she would’ve been beautiful.”

“She? A girl.”

“I don’t know for sure. I just imagined it would’ve been a little girl. That’s all I got left, my imagination.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N. This is all my fault.”

“It was an accident, James. Not your fault, not even Tony’s or Sam’s…not Rhodey’s. I don’t blame anyone. Not even Steve. I decided to go with Natasha to help Steve. No one forced me to come.”

“But it’s my fault, somehow. Steve wanted to save me.”

“Bucky…stop. This isn’t leading anywhere. I was running in circles after I got to know I lost my baby. I wanted to blame someone…anyone. In the end, I realized it was better this way. He would’ve chosen that chick and left me behind either way. Pregnant or not. He didn’t even come to the hospital, not a single time.”

“Maybe he didn’t know?”

“Tony called him on the phone he sent him. I told him I got hurt badly at the airport, just like Rhodey.”

“Fuck…”

“Forget it, James. I’m not talking about this anymore. He will marry this girl and I will move on. I was hoping we could move on somehow. That he would be my Steve again but now I know he was never my Steve. I was just a gap filler between his unfulfilled love to Peggy and someone else.”

“Don’t think so low of yourself, Y/N. You’re smart, caring and beautiful. He should be happy to have you by his side, not push you away.”

“James…” Staring in Bucky’s blue eyes you let him lean closer to capture your lips in a soft kiss. For the first time in over a year, you forget about your heartbreak.

“That’s the reason you came here - to steal my girl. You told me I shall marry Stacy only to get a chance with Y/N!” Steve yells.

Flinching at his harsh tone you want to say something, but James is faster. Jumping up he pushes Steve against the nearby wall. His eyes narrowed he looks at his friend.

“Look at her! She’s completely devastated. Was looking at a picture of a baby she will never have – thanks to you! Instead of canceling the wedding with Stacy and being there for Y/N came to me to whine about your loss! Man up, Rogers! Y/N ain’t a toy you can toss away and be possessive about it at the same time. If you don’t want her enough men are wanting her. Me, Thor…hell even Sam gives her side glances. You’re not the only man in the world. She’s got a choice. You made yours, now let Y/N make hers.” Bucky yells and your eyes widen at his words.

“Y/N? You need to make a decision…Me or Bucky?”

  All works Tags

@meganywinchester​​, @shikshinkwon​​, @idioticsky​​

Marvel Tags

@stuckys-whore​, @notyourtypicalrose​, @voltage-my2dlove​

[evalinkatrineberg]

First date 🧚😍💖

A/N: uhhh possible tw for mentions of blood? this was a very...interesting first date with @arin-schreave

True to my past experiences with wine, I woke up the morning of my date as moody as I could possibly be. Had I known that my first date with Arin was going to be today, I would not have made the mistake of indulging with Clemence the night before. Not that talking to Clemence was a mistake - that part was enjoyable, and much appreciated. The wine, however, was less necessary.

I frowned as I put my hair into a ponytail before pulling on my running shorts and tank top. I needed to get myself together before this date, somehow. Luckily, I didn’t have to meet Arin until the afternoon, so I should be able to pull that off. I grabbed my phone, my hand already on the cold metal of the doorknob when I felt the cell vibrating in my hand. With a deep exhale, I withdrew my hand from the doorknob, and picked up the call.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Evalin!”

My blood began to boil as I listened to the voice on the other end of the line, as if it was an instinctual, fight-or-flight response. How could Lukas sound so chipper, downright cheerful, at this point? Had he forgotten about what had happened before I left, or was he just playing dumb, or pretending it didn’t happen? Either way, I did not have time for his shit today.

“What’s up?” I asked flatly. I truthfully couldn’t recall any other time in my life that I had sounded so disinterested in a conversation. I almost winced at my own tone before I remembered who I was talking to.

“Not much,” he began. From what I could tell, it sounded like he was walking somewhere, indoors. I could make out the faint sound of his footsteps hitting a tile floor. “Morning runs aren’t the same without you.”

Another sigh escaped my lips before I could stop myself. I really didn’t have time for this. “Well, I’m sorry to hear that, but speaking of morning runs, I’ve got to go. I’ve got a tight schedule to keep.”

“Right.” His voice was lower now, as if any smile he had had had vanished. “What time is it there?”

“Why did you call, Lukas?” I asked through gritted teeth.

“Proctor wanted me to follow up, and see if you’ll be accepting her offer.”

It took all of my restraint to keep myself from hanging up right then and there. “I’m pretty sure I turned her offer down when I stormed out of her lab, and then again when I pushed you off my front porch, but maybe I wasn’t clear enough.” I pulled the phone away from my ear, so that my mouth was level with the microphone, the homescreen of my phone facing towards the ceiling. “My answer is no.”

“Not that offer,” Lukas countered as I brought my phone back to my ear. “Her new one, that I mentioned in the letter - if you leave the Selection now, you can come back to your old job.”

“Well,” I started, raising both of my eyebrows, “you conveniently forgot the, ‘leave now,’ part in your letter. Regardless, my answer is still no. Furthermore, I have to go. I have a date today.”

I was about to hang up when he yelled, “Wait!”

“What?”

“You know he doesn’t love you, right?”

Click. Phone call ended. Goodbye, Lukas, I thought, making my way back to the door. I managed to make it outdoors for my run without further complication, thankfully. It wasn’t until I was almost positive that I was out of sight of the majority of the guards that I began to tear up. It seemed my father had not solved whatever problems he had thought he had solved, then. I let the tears flow, hoping that my face, at least, wasn’t in the line of sight of any of the guards that I couldn’t see, but that were still probably lurking somewhere nearby. The last thing I needed was stories of me sobbing while running circulating throughout the palace. It was probably better that I let it out now, though, instead of risk it happening later. Fuck wine, honestly. Life would be so much better without it’s side effects.

I finished my normal route, forcing the tears to stop as I neared the palace again. I could do this. I had stood up to the woman I had idolized my whole life, I had come all this way on my own, and I hadn’t been entirely unsuccessful in doing so. My only interaction with the prince to date hadn’t been bad, though it was brief, and beyond that, I’d actually befriended some of the other people here. If I was being honest, I had learned more about myself and what I was capable of outside of my area of expertise than I ever had in the years leading up to this moment. If I had done all that, I could handle one date with the prince. I had this.

By the time I had finished bathing and had wrapped myself in a robe, Julia, Christina, and Grace had arrived in my room. I returned each of their smiles, my eyes drifting towards whatever clothing they had laid out on my bed. A quick inspection revealed what appeared to be a pair of jeans, along with a short-sleeved blue and white pinstriped button-up shirt. An interesting ensemble, for sure, especially considering I’d been almost exclusively wearing dresses since my arrival.

“What sort of date calls for an outfit like this?” I asked, smiling slyly at Julia.

She shook her head in reply. “My lips are sealed,” she insisted.

“You’re no fun,” I declared, rolling my eyes, my wide grin still in place.

“I know.” She pointed towards the chair in front of my dresser. “Now sit down so we can get to work.”

I relented, taking a seat and letting the three maids get to work on untangling my hair and applying a light amount of makeup. The fact that pants were part of my selected outfit for this date had piqued my curiosity. The outfit itself was fairly casual - were we going for a walk? A picnic, maybe? That could be nice! Though, if the picnic involved any champagne, I might already be in too deep.

In a few minutes I was dressed and ready to go, my hair falling in loose curls around my shoulders and my regular watch replaced with a slightly fancier gold one. I had tucked the ends of the shirt into my pants, completing the look with a brown belt. I turned to my maids then, flashing them one last smile over my shoulder as I made my way towards the door.

“Tell us all about it when you get back.” Christina’s words came out as more of a question than a statement, prompting me to nod in response.

“Good,” Julia stated, pushing me towards the door. “Now, go!”

I happily complied, almost skipping down the halls as I made my way to the spot where the prince had instructed me to meet him. Wearing jeans and the light shirt was almost liberating, compared to the dresses I had worn up until this point. I really hoped we were going somewhere fun - maybe a scenic overlook? That’d be romantic!

My excitement only continued as I exited the palace and the prince himself came into sight. He was leaning against a car - his car, I assumed - scrolling through some app or another on his phone, not even looking up as I approached. He’s probably just distracted, I assured myself. I could understand that. How many times had Lydia snuck up on me when I’d been distracted by something on my phone?

I continued to approach, still smiling. “Hello, Prince Arin. How are you?”

The seemed to catch his attention. With a click quick of a button, he switch his phone off, looking up at me. I smiled as he slipped his phone in his pocket, giving me a small bow. “I’m fine, Lady Evalin. How are you?”

He remembered my name! That was a good sign, right?

“I’m well,” I replied, curtsying. “Thank you.” With a smile and a light laugh, I asked, “So, am I allowed to ask where we’re going, or does it have to remain a mystery?”

“Oh, we’re going roller skating,” he answered with a small nod, holding open the door of the car.

Roller skating. Not the worst option for a first date, of course, but with my lack of coordination, it could very easily go downhill quickly. He had no way of knowing that, though. It wasn’t as if I’d stumbled or fallen in front of him, yet. “Oh,” I began as I stepped into the car, “that sounds fun!”

“Yeah,” he stated simply before shutting the car door behind me. I watched as he walked around to the driver’s side, sliding into his seat and fastening his seat buckle in one smooth motion. He spared me a quick glance before his attention drifted to the guard in the back seat, who appeared to be doing paperwork of some sort. I wondered briefly if I should say hello to him as well, but quickly abandoned the idea when I realized I didn’t know how to properly address the guard.

Instead, I looked at Arin, and laughed. “I make no promises that I won’t fall over, though. My balance is notoriously terrible.” He deserved a fair warning, at the very least.

“Hopefully not,” he replied, putting the key into the ignition and starting the car. “That would be tricky to manage.”

As the car made its way towards the gates, I asked, “I take it you’ve been roller skating before, then?”

“Yes, I have.” He gaze darted over to me for a brief moment before he added, “Have you?”

“I have not,” I answered with another, more nervous, laugh. “There’s a first time for everything, though.” A grin flashed across my face in his direction before the scenery outside the window caught my attention. It was a beautiful day in Angeles - sunny, not a cloud in the sky, but also not oppressively warm. It was like humidity didn’t even exist here. How was that possible? “Wow, the weather here is always so nice!”

“It’s like this most days in Angeles by the time spring rolls around,” he stated plainly. “Where are you from again?”

Alright, so he didn’t remember that part, then. Did he remember anything beyond my name? There was only so much information I had given him in our thirty minute interview.

“Carolina. It regularly thunderstorms there - almost daily, actually,” I replied, laughing as I turned to face him again. “It must be so nice, having it be so sunny and warm almost year round. Especially because you said you like the outdoors, right?” He may not remember everything from our interview, but I certainly did.

“It can be,” he agreed, keeping his eyes on the road as the car approached the gate. “But yes, I do like the outdoors.”

I stared out the windshield for a moment, taking in the sight in front of me. The sun shone overhead, illuminating a broad stretch of road with almost no cars on it yet. I had never considered the possibility that a stretch of road could be such an exciting sight, or even simply pleasant to look at.

“I don’t think we ever got to finish that conversation,” I noted, smiling once again. “What’s your favorite outdoor activity?”

“I don’t have a favorite,” he admitted as the gates slowly began to open, “but sometimes I enjoy camping.”

Now we’re getting somewhere. My smile widened. “Ah, somehow, that makes sense. Was it a family activity for you?”

He slowly began to drive through the gates, his jaw tensing up as soon as the question had left my mouth. So, that wasn’t the question to ask then. Interesting. Did he have family issues? Or, maybe, camping was something he and Felicity had often done together. I wasn’t sure which option was less appealing in that moment - and just when I had thought that I had found a topic of conversation we could work with!

He took a deep breath, and then finally answered, “Yes. Sometimes.”

I bit my lip, looking out my window for  a moment as I tried to brainstorm other topics of conversation. “What about the beach?” I apparently needed to work on expanding my conversational repertoire beyond geographic features. Making a mental note of that, I continued, “Do you like water sports, what with the beach being right there, and everything?” As I spoke, I gestured in the direction of the beach, which was so close to the palace that I could see it from my bedroom window.

“Swimming is fine, and the beach being close to the palace is where it’s always been,” he responded with a shrug.

It made sense that he would be uninterested in something he saw everyday, but I still found myself growing frustrated. I shoved that down, however, in the interest of being polite. Being snippy on our first date wasn’t going to get me anywhere. “Sorry,” I began with a nod, “having a beach close by is new to me. My family lives pretty far inland. We had a river in our city though, so sometimes we’d go boating on it.”

Jesus Christ, Evalin! Enough with the geographic features!

“Rivers are important,” was his only reply.

As far as first date conversations went, this wasn’t the worst I’d had. The first guy I’d ever gone on a real date with had spent the entire evening making jokes about how one day he’d invent a “shrink ray” and use it to make me shorter than him. Not exactly a topic that does wonders for romance, or my self-esteem, for that matter. Another time, June and I had gone one a double date with a guy she had been talking to over snapchat, and one of his friends. Their conversational skills were lacking so much so that in order to fill an awkward silence, I had asked if they wanted to know why rivers meander. Arin and I weren’t at that point yet, but we were getting dangerously close.

I laughed a little at his response in a pitiful attempt to lighten the mood. “They sure are, biologically and politically.” Maybe an academic discussion was the way to go.

“Uh huh,” he muttered, nodding absentmindedly.

Or then again, maybe not.

I sat back in my seat, looking out the car window once again as I drummed my fingers along my thighs. I refused to ask him if he wanted to know why rivers meander. I would not go down that road again. What did that leave me with, though? Discussing the books Reggie had selected for me to read? They were interesting, but I was doubtful that he’d want to talk about politics during one of the few moments in his life where he wasn’t working. “What kind of music do you like to play in the car?”

He glanced at me briefly before answering, “Just whatever I’m in the mood to play.”

Which is what, Arin?

I could feel my frustration growing. It was like having a conversation with a brick wall. I was by no means a great conversationalist, but I could at least feign interest in a topic in order to keep a conversation going.

I shoved my feelings aside, shrugging. “Makes sense. Do you have a favorite band, or song?”

“Doesn’t everyone?” He asked in response, speeding up as we reached the main road.

Grinning, I answered, “I’d sure hope so. Life would be dull without a soundtrack.” I hoped that my mother would appreciate the fact that I quoted her during a conversation with the prince.

He raised his eyebrows for a brief moment, but still didn’t meet my eye. That was fair, though. It was probably for the better that he kept his eyes on the road.

“For example,” I began, my grin widening ever so slightly, “if my father’s life was a playlist, the first song on it would have to be Toxic by Britney Spears.”

I had been hoping that that little tidbit of information would pique his interest. It was an odd song for a middle aged man to like, after all, but it was the one song that always, without fail, came on the radio whenever I was in the car with my father. The lyrics didn’t remind me of him, but I definitely associated the song with our commute to the university. Arin, however, simply nodded, remaining silent. It was becoming clear to me that he really wasn’t listening. Part of me was fairly certain I could have told him that I had been sneaking out of the palace every night to pole dance at a strip club in downtown Angeles, and the most he would do was raise his eyebrows or nod. I was too afraid to actually attempt that, however, in case spewing such a blatant lie ended up backfiring on me.

“So, what’s your favorite song, then?” If Arin didn’t answer, I was about to turn around and ask the guard in the back seat what his favorite song was. He’d probably at least give me an answer. As if he could read my mind, the guard began rustling loudly through his papers.

“I don’t have a favorite song that I’m aware of.”

“Really?” I shouldn’t have been so surprised by this, given that the only personality traits he had displayed up until this point were distracted and aloof, but I found myself humming thoughtfully nonetheless. “Interesting.”

At that point, he stopped responding all together. We rode in silence for the rest of the ride, and I took the opportunity to look at the signs on the buildings that we passed on our way to the roller skating rink.

Luckily, it didn’t take us long to get there. Maybe he’ll open up more once we start skating. Maybe he’s just a nervous driver. My thoughts did nothing to ease my worry and frustration, but they were all I had to go on. Clemence had definitely been right about one thing - Arin could not be entirely over Felicity. There was no way. I was almost entirely confident that the reason he was being so distant was because I wasn’t Felicity. The realization lit a fire in the bottom of my stomach, and Lukas’s words from this morning came back to haunt me.

“You know he doesn’t love you, right?”

Yes. I knew. I was here anyway, though, so I might as well make the most of it.

He parked the car, unbuckling his seatbelt and then getting out, not saying a word the entire time. I followed suit, not waiting for him to open my car door. He didn’t get to play the asshole and the gentleman at the same time, not with me. As I stepped out, I exhaled through my mouth, rolling my shoulder back before turning around to face Arin, where he now stood, opening the car door for his guard. The guard simply stepped out, a faint expression of surprise flitting across his face as he realized what Arin was doing as well.

I couldn’t help but smile. This was hilarious - peak comedy. With my thumbs hooked into the front pockets of my jeans, I flashed Arin a doe-eyed look, and asked, “Sorry, was I supposed to wait for you to let me out of the car?”

He didn’t respond. He hardly even looked at me as he started walking towards the entrance of the building. Didn’t he have to take etiquette lessons growing up? Clearly, he had missed the class on how to not be a dick.

I raised at eyebrow at him, crossing my arms as I followed him towards the building. Behind me, the guard quickly jogged up to the door, holding it open. Arin did nothing to acknowledge the gesture, breezing right in and up to the counter, where two sets of skates were set out. Inside, there was early 2000s music blasting, matched with strobing disco lights that changed color as they moved across the rink.

I looked at the guard, offering him a quick, “Thank you, sir,” before following Arin in, making sure to stay two steps behind him. He may not have manners, but I was going to be sure to remember mine. This poor guard had done nothing to me, or Arin, for that matter.

“Don’t thank me,” Arin called from up ahead.

I paused, nodding once as the door closed behind me and I took in my surroundings. The rink was empty, save for me, Arin, and that poor guard. “Wow,” I mumbled, “they really have this orchestrated.”

“I had nothing to do with this,” Arin corrected. He was already slipping off his shoes, one hand reaching to pick up his pair of skates.

I was so tempted to inform him that that much was blatantly obvious, and that I knew toddlers who could tell him as much, but I held back, pursing my lips. I followed his lead, and began slipping off my shoes as well, trading them for the pair of skates, which I then began to tie.

I had to say something. “Are you not a fan of planning things, then?”

“I’m not a fan of planning things I’m not interested in.”

“Oh?” I blinked, finishing up on the laces of my skates, moving my hands so that my palms were pressing against the tops of my thighs. I couldn’t hold back anymore. Besides, if he wasn’t interested in me, then I was bound to be going home soon, anyway, but I’d be damned if I was going to be sent home without giving him a piece of my mind. “Well, I wish I had that luxury, but unfortunately, do you know what not planning for a seemingly boring experiment in a lab gets you?”

“Hopefully a swift end,” he mumbled, standing up.

With a close lipped smile, I replied, “Only if you’re lucky.” I stood up then as well, making my way to the rink. As I passed him, I saw him blink once, but he remained silent.

I began skating, attempting to move my legs in time with the rhythm of the song that was playing - Girlfriend, by Avril Lavine, if my memory of songs I’d heard in my father’s car served me correctly. I wasn’t done with Arin yet, though. “So, is there anything you actually do enjoy, or is it all just doom and gloom with you?”

“Silence,” he answered, pushing off from the wall and into the rink.

Sounds like a lie to me, but okay. I raised an eyebrow at him, but decided not to argue the point. I shrugged. Maybe this wasn’t the best way to go about things. Maybe it was just a test of sorts to see how I could handle rude government officials, should I make it further in the competition. If it was, I must be failing. Yikes. I didn’t want to blow my chance yet.

“Well, it appears that for the time being, that’s impossible, seeing as there’s music playing in here.” I nodded along to the song for emphasis.

He began to skate towards me. Maybe this was a good sign!

“I’m assuming you know every word?”

I shrugged. “It was all my father ever played in his car.”

“Of course it is,” he said, letting out a massive sigh.

Really? I raised both eyebrows at him this time, my mind set on resorting to sarcasm. “Oh, apologies, I’ll inform him that you disprove of his music taste.”

He looked at me then before replying, “Excellent. Can I expect a letter of apology as well?”

The nerve of this man! “Only if you’ll accept it in Swendish,” I retorted, rolling my eyes and speeding up my pace. I had never been so grateful for the great cardiovascular shape running every morning had left me in.

“Gladly,” he began, speeding up and passing me. “I’m fluent.”

Oh, so not only is this an argument, but it’s also a race? Fine. Game on.

I sped up, easily catching up with him, eager to show off my Swendish. For once in my life, it was actually proving useful outside of my grandparent’s house! “Hvor flink du er! Når studerte du på det?” How clever you are! When did you study it? I hoped he could catch on to my sarcasm, especially as I passed him. I might lose this argument, but I wasn’t going to lose this little race, at the very least. I was going to leave this rink with a shred of dignity attached to my name.

He raised his eyebrows at me, responding, “Når jeg var et barn, lik som hvem som helst.” When I was a child, like anybody else.

Ah, yes, of course, clearly I must have forgotten the overwhelming majority of children in Illea that spoke Swendish. I wondered where they lived, and if I could join their cult. It seemed to be my best option, at the moment.

I let out a sharp laugh, mostly at his terrible accent. “Åå, selvfølgelig! Man må lære det når man er ung for å forstå det bra. Men forstår du kulturen rundt det?” Oh, of course! One must learn it when one is young in order to understand it well. But do you understand the culture around it?

“Why would I want to?” He asked, skating to one of the walls.

That response I could understand, at least. The tensions between Swendway and Illea had been mounting lately, and he was likely in the thick of it, but that wasn’t my fault, and I refused to be ridiculed for it.

So I shrugged. “It might help ease the strain in the relations between the two countries.” I skated past Arin before coming to a stop, turning around so that I was standing next to him, my back to the wall. “It’s easier to come to an agreement with someone else when you understand where they’re coming from.”

“Yes, because imprisoning an entire ship full of men can be understood.” He hit me with a from, narrowing his eyes at me.

I’d heard about that incident. My grandfather had been less than please about the whole scenario, and most of what I had caught of the conversation about it between him and my father had been the curse words he had used. It made sense that naval battles in particular upset him, since he had worked as an engineer for the Swendish navy earlier in his life, helping design the ships and submarines they now used. He was a kind-hearted man, though, and I didn’t think he wanted to see the finished products of his designs used to war, but rather for security.

I kept my face blank, looking out at the rink instead of at Arin. “There’s a cause for every action.” I was sure of that much. The political part of this was not exactly familiar territory for me. “And, while I don’t agree with the actions Swendway has taken, personally, I will say that their prisons are downright luxurious compared to the prisons here.” Another fact I was sure of - my grandfather had taken my siblings and I on a prison tour the last time we’d visited Swendway. Why, I wasn’t sure, but I wasn’t about to question him at the time.

Arin did not look amused as he skated off, which didn’t exactly leave me confident that he’d take my words to heart. Remaining silent, I followed after him. What else was there to do, honestly? As soon as he noticed me, he sped up. Ah, so we were racing again, then. Excellent. I could do competition. I sped up as well, flashing him a smile as I passed by him.

He didn’t react at all, but a quick glance at him revealed that he was moving in time with the music. I tuned back in to what was playing. It took all of two seconds for me to realize that it was Toxic by Britney Spears. Clearly, the powers that be had a sense of humor. I began humming along, getting a little louder as Arin started to pass me again, leaving me to laugh at the ridiculousness of the entire situation. I hadn’t known what I’d expected when I signed up for the Selection, but it definitely wasn’t this. I sped up once again, overtaking him in a matter of seconds.

Arin attempted to speed up again as well, but this time, he didn’t pass me. In fact, before I could even turn around to look at him, I heard a loud thump behind me. By the time I had managed to do a one-eighty, all I saw was Arin, sitting flat on his butt.

“Oh my!” I couldn’t help but laugh, bringing one hand up to cover my mouth as I did. “What was it you told me before we got in the car? Don’t fall - it’ll be embarrassing?” One look at him, and I decided that I’d busted his chops enough at this point. I crouched down and extended one of my hands towards him.

He didn’t acknowledge the olive branch. Instead, he rolled himself on to his stomach and then pushed himself off the ground, waving off my hand. “Yeah, yeah.”

“As you wish,” I sighed, beginning to back up, still smiling. He deserved this, if I was being honest. He had been a massive prick for the majority of this date. It was some sort of cosmic karma that he had fallen, for sure.

As he stood up, he brushed the dirt off his hands by rubbing them against his pants. “You don’t have to stare.”

I raised an eyebrow at him, crossing my arms and shifting most of my weight to my right leg. “And what should I look at instead?” What else was there to look at - the guard doing his paperwork? I shook my head. “Are you okay?”

“Look at anything else. I’m fine.”

I turned my head downwards, pretending to look at the floor to my right, even as I caught him rubbing his butt out of the corner of my eye. I laughed a little at that, but it was time to put an end to this. Enough was enough. “Well, I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Sure you are,” he snapped, narrowing his eyes at me.

“I am.” It was ture. I didn’t want him to be injured. All I wanted was to be more...normal, I supposed. To at least pretend to be into the conversation, and the Selection as a whole. He was the one who called it, after all. I should let him know as much.

I flashed him a smile again, before explaining, “Just because you haven’t been on your nicest behavior today, doesn’t mean I want to see you hurt. Besides, that’d be a dreadful end to an otherwise fun afternoon.” It was true, I realized. While Arin was infuriatingly frustrating, and got on my nerves, competing with him had actually been kind of enjoyable, or entertaining, at the very least. At least I would have had a good time before he inevitably sent me home after this.

He stared at me like I had three heads, and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was how he truly saw me. I had a feeling I was rather different than the company he usually kept, though I didn’t think that was an entirely bad thing. “Well, that’s only your opinion,” he stated.

Shrugging, I replied, “It is, and I think you’ve made your opinion on all of this -” I waved my hands through the air. Whether I was referring to the date or to the Selection as a whole, I wasn’t entirely sure. “-abundantly clear. It’s only fair that I do the same.”

“Well then.” He inclined his head ever so slightly. “Maybe we’re finally in agreement on something.”

What “something” was he referring to? I narrowed my eyes at him. “Maybe.”

“So then, are we good here?”

Noting his expectant look, I smiled. Best to make this as painless as possible. I needed to figure out how to best explain to my family that there was a very good chance I’d be coming home soon. “Sure.” I skated towards the exit of the rink.

“Excellent,” he echoed, nodding as he made his way towards another exit, closer to where he had left his shoes. As I exited the rink and made my way over to my shoes, I noticed the guard beginning to pack up his papers. I was a bit surprised the poor guy hadn’t gotten some popcorn to watch the spectacle Arin and I had just put on. He must have had a great work ethic, and some laser focus.

I looked at Arin out of the corner of my eye as I sat down to undo the laces of my skates. I was amazed, though ecstatic, that I hadn’t been the one to fall. That turn of events had been the most unexpected, out of everything that had happened today.

“Do we just leave our skates on the counter?” I asked, frowning. It seemed wrong to not put them away somewhere.

“Yes,” he answered, nodding as he sat down to undo his own laces.

I nodded back once as I slipped off my skates, trading them for the shoes I had worn here. The moment I stood up, I frowned. It felt like I was trying to reacquaint myself with solid ground, like how it felt to stand on dry land after being on a ship for a long time. The words escaped my mouth before I could even think about it. “Wow, I didn’t realize how weird it would feel to be back in normal shoes.”

“The only weird thing here is two strangers on a date,” he argued as he put on his own shoes.

Wasn’t that the entire point of having a date? Was he daft?

“Well,” I began, setting my skates on the counter before placing my hands on my hips, staring down at him, “we could get to know each other better, but you seem intent on shutting me out.” Because I’m not Felicity. At least I didn’t say the last part out loud.

Okay, Evalin, that might have been a little too harsh.

I sighed. “I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through,” I added, noting how much softer my voice sounded to my own ears, “but I’m certain it can’t be easy. Your actions and words today say that much. But, if you are ever struck with the desire to talk, vent, rant, whatever,” I trailed off. Frankly, he was more likely to be struck by lightning than he was to be struck by the desire to talk to me, and to top it off, I had intended to end the sentence with something along the lines of “I’m here,” but there was a very good chance I might not be here much longer, if today was any indication. I let the sentence hang in the air, unfinished, shrugging and offering him a half smile.

He stood up, setting his skates on the counter. “I’m not ‘going’ through anything,” he shot back, “so there’s nothing to talk about. You can take your offer elsewhere.”

Yeah, right, and I’m the queen of Italy.

“Consider it an open offer,” I finished, crossing my arms and shrugging yet again.

He stepped away from the counter, brushing past me on his way to the door. “I wouldn’t hold your breath.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I’m not.”

“Well, at least you’re a quick learner.”

He had gotten that right, at least. I followed him out, walking towards the passenger side door. “How do you think I made it this far in life?”

“Patient people,” he called to me as he walked to the driver’s side, opening the door.

“Patience is a virtue,” I yelled back over the top of the car before climbing in and shutting my door. It slammed louder than I had intended it to, and I winced a little at the sound. Why was I acting like this? Nobody had ever gotten under my skin this much - not even Lukas the night before I had left for Angeles, when I had shoved him off my front porch.

Lukas. I thought about our conversation that very same morning as I heard the guard climb into the car, while Arin scowled and we all buckled our seatbelts. Lukas. Did he expect that if I came back to Carolina, everything would just be okay again? That we’d go back to normal? I didn’t believe our old normal was something we’d ever achieve again. Or worse, did he expect me to fall in love with him instead of Arin? I almost shuddered at the idea. I had never felt that way for Lukas before, and I certainly didn’t now. I made a mental note to block his number when I got back to my room, crossing my arms and legs and averting my gaze towards the scenery outside my car window. When had this become my life? I couldn’t help but laugh.

Arin began to pull out of the parking lot, his body tense, like he was waiting to pounce. He was giving off the same aura that my father did when one my siblings or I had gotten into trouble at school, in the moments before he began to yell at us. It was almost comical that Arin might think he had any right to rip into me like that. I almost wanted to dare him to try.

I turned to look out the windshield, still smiling. “Could we at least turn on the radio? Might help with that weirdness you mentioned earlier.”

“I prefer silence.” He didn’t bother to look at me as he spoke.

Yeah, okay.

I hummed thoughtfully for a moment, raising an eyebrow, but still not looking at him. “You know true silence will drive any man to madness? True silence is filled by the sound of your own body. You can hear your breathing, your heart beating, you can hear the blood in your veins. You can hear your pulse, you can hear your bones rub against each other, you can hear your skin sliding over your muscles.”

Well, at least you’re not talking about geographic features anymore!

“Well, that sounds delightful given my present company,” he retorted, looking over at me.

I smiled at him with as much sweetness as I could possible manage, batting my eyelashes for good effect. “Well, that’s a horrible way to talk about your guard! Poor sap has to put up with you all day!”

“At least he’s compensated for his time.” His eyes flitted to the guard in the rearview mirror for a brief moment before focusing on the road again.

“Did you just admit to paying people to tolerate you?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him. I was shaking with silent laughter at this point. This was absolutely ridiculous.

He rolled his eyes and began driving a little faster. Not an unsafe speed, but faster nonetheless. I simply sighed, leaning back in my seat and drumming my fingers against my leg. This couldn’t end soon enough.

Then I felt it. Or rather, I smelt it. A coppery scent, familiar, like a childhood friend, filled my nose. Of course. Of-fucking-course this would happen now, of all time. This was worse than falling while roller skating would have been. The universe really must have had a sense of humor.

I frowned, reaching up towards my nose as I asked, “Hey, do you have a tissue?”

Without looking, he replied, “Glove compartment.”

I kept my right hand on my nose, fumbling with the handle of the glove compartment with my left. Luckily for me, the tissues were on top of everything else that was in the glove compartment. “Thank you,” I said simply as I began plugging my nose with tissues.

He glanced over at me then, his face going slack as he took the sight in. “Are you bleeding?”

Of course, now he’d act like he cared. I laughed, but it came out sounding more nervous than I had intended. “Just a nosebleed,” I reassured him. “No big deal!”

He immediately pulled over to the shoulder of the road, unbuckling and opening his door. I wondered for a moment if he was going to tell me to get out and walk the rest of the way. It wouldn’t be a shocking concept. He probably cared more about the possibility of me getting blood on his seats than anything else. Not that there was really anything wrong with that, I supposed. Blood could potentially carry a lot of pathogens. He probably didn’t want to risk one of the other girls getting a disease.

I saw him through my window as he opened my door. “It’s really no big deal,” I protested, but he had already reached into the glove compartment and retrieved a trash bag and some more tissues.

“Are you okay?”

Was I hallucinating from blood loss, or was there genuine concern in his voice? He offered me some clean tissues, which I ignored as I replied, “Yeah. Sorry about this. I haven’t gotten a nosebleed since I was twelve. I don’t know why my nose chose this moment to spontaneously bleed.” I concluded with another laugh, but it sounded half-hearted, even to me.

He shook his head. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Lean forward,” he instructed, motioning for me to sit up. Who was this man, and what had he done with the Prince Arin I’d be bantering with a few minutes ago?

I did as he said. “God, I’m sorry.” I was about to go down in history as the girl who got a fucking nosebleed in the prince’s car right before he sent me home. This was worse than I could have ever imagined.

“Don’t apologize,” he admonished. “Let’s just stop the bleeding.” He opened a trash bag, offering me more clean tissues, his eyes darting between the dirty ones in my hands and the trash bag.

I had to bite my tongue to keep from apologizing again. “Thank you,” I mumbled, throwing out the old tissues and replacing them with the clean ones a quickly as I possibly could. God, if I got blood on the seats of his car, I would never forgive myself, let alone live it down. “It should stop soon,” I informed him. “Not supposed to last over twenty minutes.”

“Just keep leaning forward and pressing,” he instructed, nodding. “It’ll stop.”

“Yep,” I agreed, laughing nervously again.

I felt something on my back then, causing me to stiffen up. I looked over to see his arm extended towards me, and realized that must be his hand on my back. He must have noticed my discomfort, because he immediately withdrew his hand. I could hardly even process the whole interaction as I silently pleaded with any divine force that would listen to stop my nosebleed. If it went on for more than twenty minutes, we were in serious trouble. I did not want to finish my first date with Arin in a hospital. That was perhaps the only way in which this could get any worse.

Luckily, after a few minutes, I could feel the flow of blood slowing. “Okay, I think it’s stopping now.”

He held open the trash bag again. “Better?”

“Yeah.” I threw the last of the tissues into the bag before adding, “Thank you, and sorry again.” I opened my mouth, wanting to say more, to apologize for the way I had spoken to him even before this, but I couldn’t find the words. I was too stunned by his sudden change in demeanor. Clemence had been right - there was more to Arin than met the eye, but not in the way that she had meant. There was a good man buried in there somewhere, beneath all the heartbreak and anger.

“Good,” was all he said, nodding as he tied up the trash bag, running it towards a trash bin a little ways down the road. He then made his way back to the car, pulling back onto the road after a quick glance in the side mirror.

I stayed quiet, staring out the windshield at nothing, my arms crossed as I my elbows in my hands. I was somewhere between upset and mortified, and didn’t know how to fix any of what we had said and done. How had this all gone so wrong?

I caught him glancing over at me every now and then, and after it had happened three or four times, I couldn’t stop myself. “I’m fine. Really. Just tired, at this point.” Not entirely a lie, but not the whole truth either. I had never felt this level of despair in the pit of my stomach, and all I wanted to do was curl up in my bed and stare at the wall.

“I get it,” he replied with a nod. “We’ll be there in a couple of minutes.”

I caught him looking at me yet again, but this time was different. There was something else in his eyes, that hadn’t been there before. “What?”

“Nothing.” He shook his head.

Not this again. “No it wasn’t!” I turned my head to look at him before asking again, “What?”

He shrugged, answering, “I don’t have anything to say.”

I narrowed my eyes at him, but turned my face towards the windshield again. There was no use in fighting. “Okay. My mistake, then.”

“Mhmm,” he murmured, focusing on the road for a split second before glancing over at me again.

I side-eyed him for a moment, before deciding to let the issue drop as the palace came into sight. I let out a shaky breath through my mouth, dropping my hands to my lap. The gates couldn’t open any slower, even with Arin driving through the moment they were open wide enough for his car to shimmy on by. We made it to the front, where he parked his car and then promptly unbuckled his seatbelt.

I followed suit, turning back to look at him and offer him one more, “Thank you,” before beginning to open the car door. Somehow, I made it out of the car before he did, and I began to walk around the front of his car, one hand on the hood as I did.

“Let me walk you to your room?”

I hadn’t heard him sound so unsure of something the entire time we had been on this date. Even when my nose had started bleeding, he had been calm, cool, and collected. How irritated did he think I was?

I rolled my eyes, but decided to relent. “I guess.”

He walked around to the passenger side, motioning with his head for me to follow him. I complied, walking by his side, stealing glances at him out of the corner of my eye. Now, this was the kind of interaction I had imagined as a kid, but I had certainly never dreamed up the chain of events that would lead me to this moment.

We reached the doors, and this time, he held one open. “After you.”

My eyebrow immediately shot up, but I accepted his offer anyway. “Thank you.”

Once we were inside, he led me towards the stairs. When we were at the foot of the staircase, his eyes flickered towards me again, and he asked, “You said you used to get them as a kid?”

“Not super often,” I explained, nodding nonetheless, “but often enough that it was annoying. It’s been a while, though.”

“Ah.” He nodded. “I see. Well, that’s unfortunate.”

What’s unfortunate, Arin? That I haven’t gotten a nosebleed in a while, that I used to get nosebleeds frequently, or this entire disaster of a date?

I blinked once, and then shrugged. “It’s just a part of life. There are worse things.”

“You’re right,” he agreed, nodding, “like falling while roller skating.”

I laughed at that. “Exactly.”

We reached my door then, and I stopped, looking at him for a moment. His face was filled with some emotion that wasn’t quite concern, and wasn’t quite curiosity, but some weird hybrid of the two. I began to fumble with the doorknob and said, “Well, thank you again. I hope that the rest of your day is, uh, a lot better than that was.” I could feel my face turning red, but I attempted to hide in by turning back to my door. Why couldn’t I get a good grip on this doorknob?

“Me too,” he responded from behind me. His footsteps echoed through the otherwise empty corridor as he took a step away.

I nodded, finally getting my door open. In an instant, I slipped into my room, and shut the door, leaning against it for a moment and breathing heavily. When I focused my vision on my room, I caught sight of Julia, Christina, and Grace, all staring at me, lips parted slightly as if they wanted to ask a question, but didn’t know what to ask.

It was Julia who broke the silence. “What happened.”

I just shook my head. “Do you mind if I call my sister and put my phone on speakerphone? I don’t want to have to tell it more than once.”

The three simply nodded, and I started dialing. Lydia picked up on the third ring. “Hey, Evalin! What’s going on?” Just hearing her voice was bringing tears to my eyes.

“A lot,” I answered, noting the noise in the background.

“Can I put you on speaker? June’s family is here for dinner.”

I paused. “Could you actually grab June, and then go upstairs? I…” My voice broke. “I don’t need everyone to hear this right now.”

Silence. Then, “Yeah.” I heard her call for June, followed by heavy breathing as I assumed she was ascending the stairs. “Okay, we’re going on speaker now.”

“Hey, Evalin!” June’s cheerful voice floated through the phone, bringing a small smile to my face. “What’s up.”

“You’re on speakerphone in my room.” I looked around at my maids before launching into my tale. “None of you are going to believe the date I just had.”

[jenniez-tv]

HIPEC surgery (warning - photos of my abdomen after surgery will be shown)

The night before surgery I was on clear liquids only.. that was hard when all my family members kept talking about food and dessert.. the stomach growl was real. Haha. I spent the night playing mahjong with my family up until I had to pack and get ready to leave the house. An all nighter. Weeee. I really didn’t care to sleep since I don’t usually sleep til the morning anyways and I would be sleeping a lot in the hospital so it was whatever.

My aunt, mom, and I leave to go to the hospital around 4am (super early). We arrive, I’m sent to preop to get ready and I am super nervous.. I realized I forgot to take my anti anxiety Med before leaving the house.. UGH. I ask the nurse if she can ask the doc to give me one while I’m waiting and she said the Anesthesologist can give me something when they are ready to wheel me to the OR. Like wtf? How is that helpful? Why would I need anxiety meds right before I go to sleep for the freaking surgery?!? I need it for the 2hrs of waiting!!! She didn’t even bother to ask! Ughhhh.. like why? She is supposed to be an advocate for me.. Was not happy with her.. then she told me to relax.. HAHA. Glad I won’t see her again. Rude.

Me waiting at preop

Anywho.. next thing I know I’m awake in PACU. I’m groggy and in pain.. and of course felt myself up all over my abdomen to make sure I didn’t get a ileostomy bag. Thank god I did not! I did have a jp drain though. The Dr said he removed the organs he planned on-the uterus, ovaries, omentum, gallbladder along with 3 small things he found in my abdomen. I have no idea where and how big they were. They don’t think they are tumors but the pathology results have not come back yet.. feels like forever waiting for results.. either way, im glad it was found and removed. (Update- the results came back benign! Negative for cancer!)

I’m moved to the ICU and get hooked up to so much equipment. I stayed in the ICU for 2.5days. I had 2 iv’s, an arterial line, Foley catheter, NG tube, JP drain and a wound vac. My throat hurt so damn bad.. every time I swallowed it hurt.. that NG tube fked up my throat. I was also a not allowed eat or drink anything for 2 days until they took it out. I could not wait! Post op day 1 was a killer for me. Just trying to sit up made me cry. They wanted me to walk down the hall while pushing the wheelchair. I literally looked like a old person who has the hump back and couldnt stand straight while walking. The poor nurses were pretty much holding my weight lol. Even helping me scoot up on the bed hurt. My family said my entire body and face was super swollen . I just pictured the scene in Willy wonka and the chocolate factory where that girl turned into a huge blueberry. 🤭 I think the most annoying part of ICU was when they kept giving me blood pressure medication and IV fluids to increase my blood pressure. I normally have low BP like 80-90/50-60 told everyone. Apparently the Med surg unit (Unit I would be at until I get discharged) doesn’t like BP’S under 90. I mean seriously, I can’t be the only one with normal low BP’s.. With all the fluids during and after surgery.. I was 15lbs heavier. Ahh! I know it’s all water weight but damn that’s a lot of water weight. They also gave me potassium and it was so uncomfortable on my veins. Anyone can tell you it hurts..even when it’s diluted. It fked up my veins where on The last night in the ICU I had to get one of my IV’s replaced because anything that went through it (even saline) hurt . It was hurting even if nothing was running.

Anyways, I get cleared and transfer up to the medsurg unit. I was actually feeling pretty good considering just having surgery. I get my NG tube removed and am allowed teeny bits of water/ice. FINALLY. My throat can now get better! By the time I transferred I was making laps around the unit. I also get my wound vac removed. It was so painful because I developed a lot of blisters on the edges of the tape from the wound vac. It looked pretty gross. (Picture below). When they removed it, all the blisters broke and they even rubbed over it pulling the skin off. Then, one of my ivs stopped working so it had to be taken out. Luckily this unit only requires one IV not two like the ICU so I didn’t need it replaced.

Picture of the blisters

Picture of my incision with the wound vac and the jp drain.

Picture of my incision and blisters after wound vac removed

The next morning is where everything went downhill. I got super nauseous and eventually threw up 900cc of bile. My temp was around 101 degrees, and eventually got up to 103. I also had other signs/symptoms that showed that I got septic to something. I had to be transferred back to the ICU. Because they were not 100% sure where the infection came from (they had 2 guesses) I got 2 antibiotics that would treat both areas. My white blood cell count also dropped dramatically to 0.98 and my anc 0.74. This means that I was very susceptible to getting more infections. People had to wear a mask when they come to my room and I had to wear one when I left the room. The good news is my fever went away pretty quickly and I started feeling better. My wbc kept going up and down... I’m hoping it keeps trending up because I cannot leave the hospital until my wbc goes up and becomes stable. EEP.

While I was back in the ICU I had to get a second iv placed.. so now I have had 4 iv’s so far not including the arterial line). I’m connected to all the machines again and it takes forever for me to get to the bathroom since they have to disconnect all the monitors and attach it to a portable one so they made me use a bedside commode instead. Bedside commode?!?! The thought is just gross. I’m peeing and pooping in a room with just a curtain blocking the view. What if someone walked in to talk to me in the middle of my session? It was so nerve wrecking. I’ve cleaned up patients bedside commodes before and it’s fine but now can say that I really understand why patients apologized all the time.

After another 2 days in the icu and being septic.. And another iv needing to be replaced bc it infiltrated.. (apparently my veins are mad weak from all the meds and chemo) (now iv #5) I am finally better to go back to the Med surg unit. I’m transferred back and it feels so nice to use abnormal bathroom again. I’m still only allowed clear fluid and honestly.. even that was hard to do. I had to drink a minimum of 800cc a day and it was a struggle. So many days of not eating and drinking screwed me up. Plus I kept having this underlying nausea that just wouldn’t go away. It turned out I had a small ileus as well- A complication that can happen from abdominal surgery.

Everyday I got blood drawn twice a day.. and lovenox which is a blood thinner to prevent blood clots. Prior to lovenox, they were giving me heparin (which is 3 times a day..). My body was full of bruises all over.

Picture of some of the bruises on my arms. I had a bunch on my thighs too..

Anywho, I’m finally allowed to eat.. and man that was more of a struggle than drinking.. I would take one or two bites and be done.. it didn’t help that the hospital food was completely disgusting.. even simple foods you think they can’t mess up on.. was just gross. I was asked by family what I felt like eating so they can bring it.. but honestly I had no appetite at all. Completely different from when I was on steroids and eating nonstop.. lol. But I tried.. hard.. to eat and drink enough. They wanted to start me on tpn which is the total nutrition through a central line.. and I was not about to have it. I gave a hard hell no.

I could barely sleep.. it just felt like my stomach was being pulled or stretched apart when I moved.. was woken up non stop for meds/ vitals.. when I was able to doze off.. my days pretty much consisted of eating, taking a couple laps around the unit, napping, and repeat. I was still getting some iv fluids to help keep me hydrated.. and of course.. another iv infiltrates.. and another iv had to get started... I had a total of 6iv’s and an arterial line.. it was utterly ridiculous.. I had no more places for ivs! And I freaking hate ivs and getting poked.. but that’s all I got during this stay.. so many I lost count.. sigh..

On and off during my stay but especially the last couple of days, I had severe lower right abdomenal pain that was sharp and jabby. I prevented me from moving at all.. it was downright horrible and worse than my incision.. no one knew what it was from but I guessed maybe the drain that was inside.. I got a ct scan done and it didn’t show anything there but the drain so I got it removed.. the pain immediately disappeared!! It was such a relief!! No pain meds helped at all.. not even the slightest.. so having that relief felt so good. The drain coming out though.. felt like so much pressure and it felt like the spot that hurt was getting pulled on. I swear that drain was stuck there or something.. it was a good amount in my stomach.. I didn’t realize how much of the drain just sat in there.. kinda gross. And yes, I watched the whole thing... hahah.

Another complication I have is that my left upper thigh is numb.. and has been numb.. it never got and still hasn’t gotten any better.. I thought it was the duramorph I got during surgery but after a week it seemed unlikely.. the dr says that it’s most likely because the retractor they used to hold my abdomen opened was pressed on my thigh nerve since I’m smaller than the average patient and dmged it from it being compressed for 8hrs.. he says it will take weeks to months for my leg to return to normal.. hopefully.. but that there is a chance it won’t.. god I hope it comes back. It feels so weird and annoying to have the top of my thigh permanently numb ...

Finally my wbc is stable and continuing to trend upward (although still low) and I’m allowed to go home.. I could not wait to see my babies (my dogs), my family, and just sleep in my own bed!!

Sorry, I know this post was all over the place... i wrote parts of it at different times.. which is why some seems present and some past tense.. and I’m honestly not in the mood to go and fix it all. I will post again how my recovery is going at home soon.

Thank you all for your love and support. ❤️

[jaroslavlewis]

From Where We Left Off

Title: From Where We Left Off

Author: Jaroslav Lewis

Fandom: Detective Conan

Pairing: ShinRan

Summary: They were finally together but he still hesitates and she wonders why.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Detective Conan and any of Gosho Aoyama’s characters. I simply borrow them when I’m bored.

She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes as she inhaled his familiar scent.  They were both silent.  All she could hear was his heavy intake of breath as he stiffened under her simple gesture of scooching closer to him.  She wondered if he felt uncomfortable, if he had a bruise on his shoulder she forgot about and at that moment she could've been hurting him with the pressure and weight she put on, after all it had only been a few weeks since he came back for good, a few weeks since the final take down of the syndicate, a few weeks’ worth of recovery.  He still had some bandages and visible signs of injury but the doctor said that he was well enough to come back to school.

 And so there they were, slumped on the floor of the Kudo Residence study (because this way they could work closer together), working on months’ worth of school work and lessons that Shinichi had missed during his absence. Ran being such the sweet peach of a childhood friend, now girlfriend is there to help him catch up with everything he missed. 

 Ran knows very well that Shinichi is more than capable with the academics but she knew with everything that had just happened she couldn't just let him go through it alone. It was months’ worth of school work but more than anything else, she just couldn't let him go through with it again.-Being alone when things are going downhill.  She's not gonna make the same mistake again. 

 For a moment they decided to take a little break from their study session and so there they were in that position, Ran brain-drained and Shinichi as well. Ran with her head on Shinichi's shoulder because she felt a little dizzy reading all those books with him and Shinichi?  He remained unusually silent for a pretty long time.  It was starting to feel deafening on Ran's part. The Shinichi that Ran knew would be blabbering non-stop about Sherlock Holmes no matter how much he had on his plate.  But this time, he just sat there next to her, stiffening under her slightest bit of touch making her wonder whether or not she should remain or pull away.

 Ran decided, maybe it was too much.  Yes, they have been dating but maybe this was taking too much of his personal space.  So, she decided to pull away but as soon as Shinichi felt the weight of her head leave his right shoulder, he lifted his right forearm just so he could use his right hand to touch her cheek and make her lean on him for as long as she wants.  Ran's face heated under his touch. 

 "Just stay. This feels nice..." He said, finally breaking the silence between them. Unbeknownst to Ran, a faint blush had already spread across his cheeks.  

 "Really?  I thought I was making you uncomfortable. " She spoke with relief.

 "Barou." He teased with a half-hearted chuckle. "What made you think so?" 

 "Well you are awfully quiet." She answered honestly. Truth be told, for the past few weeks since he came back, Shinichi had been more quiet and aloof around her, almost borderline indifferent.  Of course Ran understood after what he went through it must've been difficult for him to go back to the way it was.  He was still recovering after all.  But it irked her to know what's going through his mind.  It was difficult for her to tell. After all, she was no detective.  

 "I'm just tired." He shrugged. 

 "You've been very quiet since you came back..." She pointed out, worriedly.  "Come on, Shinichi.  What's wrong?"

 This time, Ran pulled away so she can look up at him.  Shinichi in turn tried to avoid her gaze, getting all fidgety with the thought of her face being so close to him.

 Shinichi didn't expect to be suddenly put to the hot seat but he knew Ran would have some questions.  He was acting very weird lately.  But who wouldn't just right after all that had   happened?  Taking down a syndicate at the mere age of 17 and then coming back alive to live a normal life once again.  All he wanted was for everything to go back to how it was and he never really knew how difficult it had to be until now.

 On top of that, he still can't put his finger on how Ran, despite everything that had happened, is still by his side and making things easy for him. How could she forgive him after all those lies?  

 When the truth about Conan was revealed, Shinichi was afraid Ran would break up with him. But (thank God) she didn’t. Much to his surprise, she took it rather well and more calmly than he expected. She shed a few tears but that was it. No Karate punches were thrown at his face. But despite that, Shinichi felt no relief. Instead, he felt guiltier and in some weird kind of way, he felt that he could only be rid of such guilt if Ran did scream at him and beat him to a pulp. He felt like he deserved it after all, he made her wait and worry for so long. All the lies he told her, all the dark secrets he held from her and even endangering her life at the end of the long battle. It was too much. He didn’t deserve her kindness and acceptance. But it is what she gave him anyway.

 "Well, I've been thinking..." He began, mustering all the courage to tell her what he had been thinking for the past few weeks. “You and I never really talked about the incident…”

 Ran cocked her head to the side and looked at him with a puzzled expression.

 “What do you mean? “She asked, confused.

 Shinichi shifted his position so he could face her this time. He held her hands, steadying his own shaking ones. He let out a deep breath, to calm himself.

 “You never really told me how you felt about me, how you felt about what happened…” He said looking into her amethyst orbs. Ran’s expression softened as she gazed back into his sapphires. She took time to ponder at how different this Shinichi was before her. He looked more vulnerable and more insecure. She figured it was unlikely of him but she felt that it was nice that he was letting her see such parts of him, more imperfect, more human…

 “Well, for starters… I didn’t break up with you…” She told him, giggling as she used her forefinger and her thumb to cup his chin and lift his head up. “Shouldn’t that give you all the information that you need? You’re supposed to be the detective here, dummy.”

 “Yeah, but that doesn’t really tell me much…” Shinichi retorted almost whining in frustration. Ran couldn’t help but smile at how strangely cute he was when he pouted and looked so confused but then his expression changed, his eyes were sad and down cast. Ran felt a pang in her chest. “I hurt you. I lied to you even if I’ve always fought for the truth, all these years…”

 It was Ran’s time to be silent. She hadn’t really thought about it that much and now, she wondered why and it struck her. Perhaps she was avoiding talking about it as well. But she figured, what else was there to talk about? And where should they even begin?

 “Shinichi, you told me… You did it to protect me right?” She asked, leaning closer to him as she moved her hands to his shoulders. He lifted his head to look at her with sincere eyes and he nodded, unable to speak.

 “Well, then what else is there to talk about?” She told him with a soft smile that made Shinichi’s heart hurt. It broke his heart at how so kind and pure she was and it hit him how perfectly fitting it was for Vermouth to even call her Angel.

 “But…How can you trust me?” He asked, still unsure. “Aren’t you supposed to hate me?”

 “Because I know that you mean it.” She said. “Shinichi, we’ve known each other since we were kids. Everything you did was always for the best intention of others. Give yourself enough credit… I have to admit; I was hurt because I was worried about you. But in the end I just couldn’t be mad at you…”

 Shinichi opened his mouth to reply but he struggled to find the right words as it seemed to have slipped away from him. So instead he lifted his hand to touch her face and brush her stray hair to have a clear view of how beautiful she looked.  He had always thought she did but this time she looked even more beautiful than she ever was…

 His heart raced and his mind hurt trying to look for reason. It was hard to figure out how someone like her could still go on loving him, tirelessly. But his heart told him it felt right that maybe this time, things didn’t need to be complicated like the cases he solved. That this time, no matter how unreasonable things seemed he should just go on without giving it further thought.

 “So… What happens now, Shinichi?” Ran asked, worried about his silence, wondering about what he had to say because he seemed to be thinking about something. Shinichi started to smile and her heart leaped from her chest.

 “I honestly don’t know... I wanted to say, that I want for us to start over again…” He replied, stroking her hair gently. “But I honestly don’t know where to begin... So much time has passed. So many opportunities wasted…”

 “Well… Maybe we don’t have to start over again…” She suggested, leaning closer to him. As she wrapped her arms around his neck, unable to stand the distance between them even if they were already so close to each other. “Maybe we should just pick up from where we left off…Well, what do you think?”

 “I think… I’m uncertain about a lot of things… But I do know that I love you Ran…” He said, catching his breath as he pondered on how close she was and how much closer he was leaning towards her. “And I badly want to make it up to you for all those moments we lost…”

 “Well good, ‘cause you better…” She warned, her ears ringing as her heart beat rapidly in her chest, a surge of emotions running through her, making her breathless as she felt his breath on her face. She couldn’t help but eye at his lips which were only a few inches away from hers.

 “And, I love you too, Shinichi…” She added, whispering and it was the last thing she could say before he closed the distance between them and pressed his lips against hers in what started out a soft kiss until he tilted his head and lightly brushed his tongue against her lower lip, hoping to taste more of her. Ran quickly responded to grant him access, marveled by his newfound boldness. She also took notice of how he tasted of peppermint.

Soon all hesitation from both of them were lost in the heat of the moment, the excitement of exploration that took over them. Before they knew it, all homework and readings were left on the floor, almost forgotten as Ran laid, sprawled against the pool of papers with Shinichi on top of her, slowly pulling away from such an intense kiss he never thought he’d finally be sharing with her…

AN: I had this idea after the Kyoto Arc Kiss. Ever since that arc I’ve just started to wonder how Shinichi and Ran would be taking their relationship to the next level. I just felt that development, you know. They were less hesitant to move forward and I’ve started to actually think that once everything falls into place Shinichi and Ran would totally be taking the plunge. However, I also wondered how the Black Org take down would affect their relationship and I wanted to explore that, especially Shinichi’s feelings after lying to his girlfriend. So this is what I came up with. Back in the day, I imagined an overly dramatic confrontation with Ran, a lot of crying and all that shit but IDK. I just felt like writing Ran in this approach. IDK if it was OOC for you guys but honestly, I think as the series developed, Ran’s becoming more and more mature and I honestly think that she would bear no grudge against Shinichi after learning about the truth. Ran’s just that kind and understanding and she knows him all too well to even think that he’d betray her or hurt her on purpose. So this is what I came up with…

I originally wanted to write this for my ShinRan Shorts series, but I figured it isn’t that short to still be called a short. So, here ya’ go. Hope y’all enjoyed this one-shot and I might upload a ShinRan short soon.

 ~J

[roxzania]

Hey Rox, sorry this question is going to be a little heavy, and no worries if you’re not comfortable answering. So, I came out as a lesbian to my close friends about two years ago. Yet, I still often worry that my identity is wrong. It’s really weird and I don’t know to describe it because it’s not that I’m really attracted to men, I’m just worried I’ve conditioned myself to think I’m not? Does that kinda make sense? I guess, basically, I worry that since I seem to be constantly second guessing my sexuality, I’m wrong about it, since most other members of the LGBTQ+ community seem very straight forward in their indemnities. So, is it normal to constantly question? Or is it something I should be more aware of? Thank you, I know this question is long and it’s totally okay if you don’t know the answer or you’re not comfortable, I just wanted to hear someone else’s in the community’s opinion but don’t really feel comfortable approaching my friends with this. Thank you so much!

Hello, Anon! No worries, it's a wonderful question and I actually often go through this myself too. A small warning, I do talk a lot and hopefully, I covered a lot of points that might help you and others who are struggling with a similar issue. If you need more clarifications on anything, shoot me another ask!

Speaking from personal experience and talking with others about this topic, I'd say not everyone is going to be 100% sure they are using the right term/label for themselves. Sometimes it's just that nasty critical part of ourselves, which can be created from a number of reasons. Even it's valid to "second guess" or question your feelings, you should also work on trying methods to help "quiet" that critical inner voice. There are a lot of ways to help improve your self-worth and self-image, so I recommend doing a little research to help ease that distress. I definitely recommend the search phrase "how to silence your critical inner voice", or similar phrases that can lead to discovering possible solutions that will give you that positive self boost you need/want.

As for questioning sexuality, I consider it somewhat normal. I go through it almost daily and quite similar to "what if I'm not this or that?". Which, even if you end up using another term to describe your feelings that's still valid. From experience, I use multiple terms to fill in the gaps that some terms make me feel are there. Like I use Abrosexual with Aceflux (Abroromantic with Aroflux) because sometimes I feel like saying "I'm Aceflux and Aroflux" doesn't completely define my experience. And without the additional Abro term, I'd probably second guess more often than I do about my sexuality.

But for others, who use a singular term to describe their feeling it's a little different. But even if you question it, your still a valid Lesbian until you say "I really feel like this other term fits and I intend on using it instead". Cause it's up to you (and only you) to say what you are and how you use terms to define yourself. And it's okay if you are still looking for terms because people change and some terms fit better than others for some people. But the most important thing to remember; you don't owe an explanation to others about your sexuality, even if it says the same or changes over time. You don't owe your inner critic an explanation either until it's ready to have a calm serious talk that isn't mentally draining. I highly recommend writing down your thoughts, maybe describe your feelings more, and flesh them out to make them solid for you to visually see. This helps me, personally. And it's nice to sit down and have control when you want your brain to have that kind of talk. And if it's hard to control when (because sudden doubt, worry, and anxiety happen) there are coping methods to help you through distressing thoughts like that. I do want to make a small note here, that sometimes doubt can stem from what other people say. Either little clips from what you heard or full conversations you were a part of, either direct towards you or not. A lot of people don't recognize that what people say does affect the inner critic as well, either make them worse or say specific things that dig right into your skin. The brain is a tormentor in this regard. If you think there are other people's voices instead of the inner critic, it's okay to remove yourself from that person who said that for a little bit. Or if they're close, like family or friend, and you're fine talking with them. There probably should be a bit of a conversation there, like "hey I've recently been feeling bad and it might have come from what you said this one time. Can we have a serious talk about it?". Because there are some doubts you can work through with other people (if you're comfortable or think this will be more effective).

A little more personal story time (relevant and a real-life example); I use to identify as Pan(sexual/romantic) pretty much completely and I wasn't 100% sure or just doubted my own feelings about it. But I liked everyone and I wanted to be with people in a non-asexual/non-aromantic way at the time. So the doubt was somewhat unreasonable and it made me question a lot. It was a whole lot worse when some people around me knew and I went into a romantic relationship with a friend I was really close to. I can barely describe those doubts because I barely remember what the thoughts exactly said, but I knew I had them. And it made me feel bad. At the time, I wasn't really officially out as Non-binary (at the time that's how I identify as) because I doubted that even more because of the people around me. Because I told them I was Pan first... and it didn't get a nice reaction. The overused joke (often used sarcastically) of "So you like cooking pans?" left a sting but nothing else was said about me being Pan... and I was pretty naive to stick around the person who said it and those who laughed. That was probably the only time I'll hate that joke... and I kinda liked that joke, but it wasn't funny in that situation. It just made me doubt being Pan even more. And when I went into a relationship with possibly my bestest friend, who identified as a girl and Bisexual at the time. It just went downhill from there despite the good times. It was the awful running joke that we were the Lesbian couple of the friend group and that's all we were called... which made me wonder "was I a lesbian or pan?". Because... I really liked her! Like... a lot... but at the same time, when we were alone we talked about liking other people (mainly fictional characters) which included various genders which made me feel still Pan. But outside of that, I was considered a Lesbian. Which no one likes being assumed. Honestly... I even consider identifying as Lesbian once because of the doubt. It was just way too much in a way. And my girlfriend, she was doubting her sexuality too from what she told me. Slowly... we weren't talking as much. We became out of touch, as we liked to talk about anything and everything. But I understand now that sometimes feelings die or there are other people out there who connect better. There were so many things that just happened... It was in all honesty a mess at the end, but I kinda grew from it. The doubt that festered from everything that happened made me question my sexuality and I discovered new things about myself as I reflected back on everything and anything as I was wrecked when she broke up with me. I discovered a lot and I was able to finally say after recovering; "hey this is how I feel and nothing going to change my mind except myself". Because I didn't say a lot of stuff while being with the one person I wanted to be the most honest with, all because of the doubt inside of me. I didn't tell people I started identifying as Genderfluid, which is probably the surest thing I know about myself... and it's like a 50-75% sure. And I didn't explain to anyone that I grow romantically attracted to people after I get to know, because most of the time (with like a crush) it was out the window cause I didn't understand there were so many other attractions other than the main 3.

To be clear after that story, I'm not saying letting doubt change you is a necessarily good thing. I'm saying doubt can make you miserable and it should be taken care of sooner rather than later, otherwise, you could completely lose something (I didn't lose because of my doubt, but it took somewhat of a back seat in the events, but for some doubt could be in the leading role of misfortune). And everyone's self-reflection ends differently (obviously).

Hopefully, this all makes sense? I'm writing from the heart as best as I can while also trying to stay on topic. It's a complicated topic. But just know that it's your decision, in the end, to define how you feel. And when in doubt, doubt that doubt. It's okay to question, but don't be quick to erase what you have because of that doubt until you have that reflective serious talk with yourself. So you don't get further doubt and cycle through that mentally draining wreck of thought. You need to look out for yourself and keep yourself safe, even from your own thoughts and inner voice.

Stay friendly & Safe, my lovely Anon friend! And remember you are valid and shouldn't doubt yourself unless you're ready to reflect on your feelings and thoughts! - Roxzania💙 My DNI List (mobile version)

[elliehdzg]

Hello 2021✨

It’s been couple of months since I came on here to write anything. I can’t sleep so I decided to come on today and just write. It’s currently the first day of 2021 and I still can’t believe it and how fast time goes by. 2020 was definitely an interesting year. 

First things first, Marco and I are no longer together. We only lasted 4 months. Everything went downhill after I got Coronavirus and he started being more distant. I broke up with him but instantly regretted it and begged him to get back with me, he didn’t want to. I felt like an idiot. The impression he left was basically that even though were broken up, its not goodbye and that we’ll meet again. “right person, wrong time” case maybe? idk, but we split and im still heartbroken. I miss him. He’s my soulmate and I can’t even have him. I don't expect anything to happen with him even if he left me with that impression that its not goodbye..

Second thing (that happened in 2020), unfortunately I caught the virus from my job and it was the worst experience I had. I don't with it on my enemies. I feel much better now and I’m covid free, but I fear the worst in catching it again. Also I heard its worse when you catch it the second time. To make things worse, I injured my left arm at work and pulled a nerve. It hurts and hasn't been the same ever since the accident on Christmas Day. I really need to quit that job. 

I’m not one for hook ups, but last night I had one. I don't know why I did honestly but it didn't feel entirely wrong. I welcomed 2021 last night and it was a crazy night. I don’;t regret anything I did for the most part. I got pretty wasted and made some new friends. I didn't drive home so I decided to sleepover at the hosts house. I wasnt expecting to get laid last night but I did. His name is hector and he’s a bit of an odd ball, but he’s a sweetheart. Initially I wasn't going to do anything with him because it had been a while since I've done anything, but we were both drunk and did stuff anyways because we didn't care. The sex wasn’t bad, but there was obviously no connection, so it didn't feel the same as it did with Marco. Now this guy is giving me the impression that he wants to keep this up and might like me. I don’t see this dude as anything romantic and it’s complicated with Marco already as it is, so I don't want this thing to go further. THIS WAS DEFINITELY A ONE TIME THING, I'm not a hook up kind of person. Other than 2021 New Years was great, but I definitely need to figure something out with my feelings.

Ugh I hate my caring heart sometimes...

HERE’S TO HOPING 2021 IS BETTER THAN 2020

[deflcresco]

Drabble: Three Weeks (After)

Mitsuki wouldn’t have made the choice to come to the hospital. If she can help it, she wouldn’t step there again. Not after what happened the last time she was there. Sh didn’t wan to think about what was happening, her being at the hospital only makes it more real. She didn’t want to think of that reality. Besides, she can’t face another situation like what happened a week ago. To be there… Right in the ICU room where her daughter was, to hear & watch that happen right in front of her…She’d much rather hear about the outcome than witness it herself. It took her days to get over that. It haunted every waking ( & sleeping ) moment & she couldn’t shake it off no matter what. She still can’t get over it. She didn’t want to be at the hospital, not today, not ever.

She tried her best to think of something else. To focus on what was happening instead of what could have happened. But she couldn’t. Who’s to say it won’t happen again? Who’s to say it won’t continue to go downhill next time? As long as her daughter wasn’t getting any better, there was no changing that outcome. She knows that her daughter’s survival was not guaranteed. It’s a fifty-fifty chance, she will either live or die, with such a huge probability at that. She never had much chance from the start. She arrived at the hospital almost dead. How high were the chanced to bring someone back from death?

She’s not being pessimistic, just a realist. She still couldn’t see her. Kagero’s immune system has weakened drastically & the slightest thing can put her at risk (as if she wasn’t already dealing with enough). The only encouragement she got was that her daughter is young, so she might have a better chance. Might. The initial reports were frightening. When she arrived in the emergency room  her blood pressure was undetectable, her body was already shutting down & there wasn’t anything else anyone could do. Organ failure— Multiple organ failure was expected & that’s been going great so far, considering how it’s been more than two weeks of her daughter being on life support with no chance in her condition.

Here she is now, walking through the hospital hallways to meet the physician in charge of her daughter. Honestly, she didn’t want to hear his update. She will hold into the fact that her daughter is still alive somewhat & call it a day. The details… She doesn’t want to know about them. She has sent Hibari away, but he wouldn’t go. She wanted to get this over with quickly, talk to the doctor & leave. He doesn’t have to be here for this sort of thing. But he refused to leave. He did say that he’d be waiting outside for her in the car. It was good enough, so she let it slide. She had no energy to argue with him anyway.

She sat on a leather couch across from the doctor. Several papers were on his desk which he was sifting through. She didn’t want to hear all of these details, she just needs to know the gist of it & be done with this for today. ❝  The good news is, ❞   Starting with the good ? There must be a surprise hidden there somewhere.   ❝  She is stable. ❞  Stable in not dying yet. Stable, standing still, stagnant. Hovering between life & death, not knowing which direction to go yet. It was her unchanged condition since they got here. Aside from actually dying once, right. She was still reeling from that one. She was gone for seven minutes before she somehow responded. Whatever it was he going to say, it will not top that one.

❝  She is in septic shock. Maldistribution of blood flow is still low. There is not enough blood is reaching her organs, ❞   That was the one complication everyone was hoping to avoid. Stable was supposed to mean unchanged, not deteriorate. ❝  What’s happening is  that the inflammation is triggering blood clots, & the low blood pressure causing inadequate blood flow, her organs are not getting enough oxygen, ❞   She was on a ventilator because she can’t breathe on her own. It should be taking care of at least one problem, not cause all of this. ❝  This can lead to organs shutting down. ❞  She felt the room disappear from around her, engulfed in complete darkness before returning. She felt light headed. What was he telling her, why is he saying all of this to her ? She just wanted to know if her daughter was getting better or worse, she doesn’t need these details.

❝  How far is she from that ? ❞  She found herself asking, hating that she did so.   ❝  Her lungs & kidneys are not functioning, her liver is not far behind, ❞   She could barely breathe at the realization of what was happening. Her organs were shutting down one after the other. If this keeps up… Like hell was she stable. She is far from it. The human body can only handle so many organs shutting down before… It can be no longer. At the rate this was going, there wasn’t much time left before they reach that point.

If it’s blood that would save her, she’s willing to donate as much blood as she can. Whatever it is her daughter needed to survive, she’ll be willing to give it to her. If she could exchange places, she’d do it in a heartbeat. What a silly thought, she almost laughed at herself. If it was as simple as donating blood, they would not be here right now.

She really didn’t want him to go on. She has heard enough already. She wants him to stop beating around the bush & tell her what he called her here for.   ❝  She’s no longer responding neurologically…  ❞  

❝  She’s brain dead ? ❞  It made sense now. He called her here, asked to see her in person, to tell her this. It was over.

❝  Not quite, no. Not yet. ❞    But they were going there.

❝  What is it then ? ❞   She didn’t want to spend any more time here. This room was suffocating her & she wanted to get some fresh air. The longer she talks to him the worst she feels.

❝  As things are, it’s time to consider the alternative, ❞   She should leave. Now.

❝  It’s been over two weeks with no real improvement— Usually, things tend to remain the same. This can go on for a long time, with no improvement whatsoever.  ❞   She listened, she doesn’t have anything to say in response.   ❝  Sometimes, instead of letting her remain like this for a prolonged amount of time, you might want to consider taking her off of life support. ❞  

To let her go.

To release her from the grips of this physical death that’s hovering way too close to her.

❝  Thank you for having me here today. ❞   She got up on unstable legs & left the room. She made her way down to the entrance hastily; she couldn’t bear to be there any moment longer. She couldn’t be anywhere right now. Despite wanting to be outside & getting as much air as she can, she couldn’t do that. She wasn’t able to walk far, her body felt very tired & she wanted to rest. She didn’t see Hibari anywhere, but he was soon helping her in the car & driving them away from the hospital.

If it was up to her, she’d go back in time & stop herself from going to see the doctor. He cannot toss that at her & let her decide something on that scale. Who does that anyway ? Is she supposed to walk up to them and just say ‘yes, you can shut off the machines now’ & it would be over ? How is she not killing her daughter by doing that ? She cannot accept that she is dead, not like this. That dream from a week ago was a clear indication that Kagero is still here. She tried to reach out to her, she tried to call her over. She was so scared & alone. She doesn’t belong in that place. It was too early for her to go yet. There is a whole life left for her to live, she can’t just… Just go like that. But she wasn’t gone. No, she was still here despite her body shutting down. She will give her time, she will give her as long as she needs before she wakes up. She can’t be the one to push her towards the light after telling her to get away from it. She will not betray her like this.

Will she ever wake up, though ?

She might… Maybe not now, not soon. But maybe one day. She knows they can’t do anything without her consent. Kagero will remain there, until she tells them otherwise.

❝  What did— ❞

❝  Nothing.  ❞   She hated how her voice got caught in her throat. She wasn’t able to say anything more than that. The words will not come out even if she tried.

❝  A-Alright. ❞    Hibari didn’t push her to talk. It’s obviously not nothing. He saw her walk out of the hospital, her face drained of color, & she wasn’t saying anything at all. He was concerned about her shutting down again. The last two weeks haven’t been easy by any means, but he would rather her have emotional outbursts than to shut the world out.

The last two or three weeks weren’t easy at all. After that night where they came to the hospital after midnight, the night where their daughter nearly died (she technically did die, but she was brought back) Mitsuki never went to the hospital. That’s not him saying that she was keeping busy & keeping herself distracted, no. It wasn’t like that at all. She never said much since then. She was mostly quiet doing nothing at all. Just—- Overthinking everything like he knows she does. He was caught in a cycle. She will close herself off & not speak to anyone. There is nothing he can do to change that. He can ask her, he can try to get an answer out of her, but unless she wished to disclose what went with the doctor earlier, there was no getting anything out of her.

❝  Are you sure ? ❞   She can’t expect him to buy it & accept her cryptic answer. Even if it was nothing important, it was at least something to require to see her in person to tell her about it.

❝  Mhm.  ❞   She wasn’t looking at him. She was looking outside of the window.

He didn’t know what to say, so he remained quiet. He continued to drive, going back to his apartment. They were nearing it, only two more intersections & they’d be there. Perhaps once they get inside she’d tell him more, or maybe… He doesn’t know, anything would better than this silence.

❝  Go to HQ. ❞   He almost hit the breaks, surprised at the sudden request.

❝  Wha— What for ? ❞  

❝  Work. ❞  

❝  W-Work ?! ❞

❝  Stop repeating what I say ! If you don’t want to do that I’m getting off of this car right now & I’ll get there on my own.  ❞

❝  I’ll… I’ll take you there, you don’t need to leave. ❞   He wasn’t going to get her angry. Sure, he’d prefer to have a reaction from her as opposed to having her shut him out, but getting her angry is not how he wants it to go. If it’s work she needs to be at, he will take her there. She won’t be alone, & he will be there to pick her up when she’s done for the day.

He remained silent the rest of the way. He didn’t want to push her to talk, that seemed to anger her & he doesn’t want her to get worked up. He will do as she says & hopefully she will talks to him about it when she’s ready to do so. He pulled up in front of the entrance. ❝  When do I pick you up ? ❞ He asked before she was out of his sight.   ❝  I’ll let you know. ❞   & she was gone.

She worked until midnight. Not only for that day, but all the days following it. She would go to to the Kouga HQ early in the morning, & he would bring her back near midnight every night. She was mostly quiet during the short time he’d see her. She’d be tired & not up to much. She wasn’t sleeping all that well, she’d barely get four or five hours at best, then she’ be out & he would have to bring her back at midnight. He knows it’s not an ideal situation, but he couldn’t do much about it. He will continue to be by her side & he will give her as much support as he can offer. Even when she’s shutting him out, he will still remain by her side during this trying time.

[takaraphoenix]

My Relationship with Teen Wolf

“It’s complicated” doesn’t even begin to cover it.

I discovered the show when it was roughly a three months wait until season 3 would start.

I binge-watched all there was - the first two seasons. And then I, right away, watched it again because it was that good. And then I literally watched it for a third time in a row.

I just completely fell in love with it. Sterek fast became my OTP, I loved the fandom because it was a warm, beautiful place filled with the most amazing headcanons.

I even liked the canon straight couples. Jackson and Lydia were just so beautifully perfect. And Scott and Allison were probably the best example of “soulmates” - because literally nothing else would ever justify the shit they went through for each other.

Even the smaller roles like Danny and the Sheriff and the Coach were just so cool.

I loved it. I loved everything about it. And I was so ready for season 3.

I mean, Derek had Boyd, Erica and Isaac now. Jackson was now finally a wolf and could join the pack. The pack was growning.

Everything went downhill starting with season 3. Now, season 3 in itself wasn’t bad, but it was definitely the start of “bad”.

Writing Jackson, Erica and Boyd out just like that was displeasing at first - it became a bigger issue the more the show went on.

What is the key-element of why season 3 started to be bad however is the True Alpha crap they came up with.

Part of what I enjoyed about the show was the fact that Scott was just this average teen wolf, a little bumbling and awkward but with a good heart. He didn’t have to be the leader. I expect an Alpha to be a leader, a fatherly figure, someone older. Not an awkward newbie wolf who literally learned how to control his wolfiness from a human boy.

That they had to force not just “Scott is main character. Scott needs to be Alpha”, but also “Oh shit, we made it so you gotta kill to become Alpha but Scott is main character, so Scott can’t kill. Hurry up, writers, invent a creative way for him to still become Alpha”.

It’s a load of horse-crap is what it is.

The show would have worked so much better if they had cut that crap. Kept Derek around - as the Alpha - and allowed Scott to slowly learn what it even means to be a werewolf and to then, through character development, become Derek’s second-in-command.

Now. They wrote all those characters out of the show, but they started establishing the twins as potential new pack-mates. And okay. They slowly started to become... interesting characters, the more we learned about them.

And then they were written out of the show too. And that was when it became a real problem with this show.

They want a pack. But they keep writing any character who has the potential of becoming pack out ASAP.

The whole... Isaac/Allison romance, I am still wondering where they pulled that from. Like? She literally tried to kill you an literally all your friends before and she’s basically the big love of your new Alpha? What is wrong with you, Isaac? Do you need therapy? Oh, right, you do. Yeah.

Setting it up that Danny knew all along what was going on just to write him out too.

Killing off Allison. Writing Isaac out of the show.

Basically. We had the “Alpha”, his human best friend, a banshee, a kitsune and a coyote. In a fucking show called Teen Wolf. I mean. Yeah, they kept true to the name and stuck with only ONE Teen Wolf. Because who wants to see an actual pack in a show about werewolves? Oh. Right. Everyone.

Season 4 was just bad. It was lame, it was weird and it had zero pay-off when Peter was suddenly the bad guy again. I had been a hundred percent sure that Gerard was behind this and that this was the reason they kept him alive.

Gerard, other reason for why it became bad. How did no one make sure to kill him? And then, when it’s revealed that he’s alive and basically dying slowly which is cruel, no one finishes him off either. You can not argue the “The good guys don’t kill” thing because keeping him alive while he is slowly dying from the black goo is so much worse than just a mercy-kill. And if you’re setting your good guys up to be cruel assholes who torture their enemies like that... you don’t get to play the “He has True Alpha potential because he’s such a goodie-two-shoes” card. And I am terrified to see what he does in season 6.

Kira was a cool addition, mainly. She... didn’t really get much personality development beyond the point of Scott’s New Love-Interest, but the mere concept of her was cool.

I dislike Malia and will always hate how they shoehorned her in. “Hey, look! Another living Hale! And it’s Peter’s daughter! Wow!”. That she spent basically a decade in the forest as a wild animal but they just pretend that it’s possible to re-introduce her not just into society but high school - whereas she is completely lacking all middle school and half of elementary school education, honestly, can she even read and write? Because she shouldn’t be able to. Even if she learned that ten years ago, she’d have forgotten simply by growing up as a wild animal in the forest. Granted, her behavior is at the very least well-written and animalistic, but that just makes me question the weirdness of Stiles going “Oh, she’s basically a wild animal. Let’s start dating”. Right. Away. If they had taken the time to, you know, re-introduce her to society properly and learn things and her and Stiles falling for each other along the way, okay sure. But this “We just met. Let’s have sex in the basement of the asylum” thing was so weird and so forced.

Season 5 might just be one of the - if not THE - worst thing I’ve ever witnessed on television. If something has that crappy level of quality, I normally turn it off and stop watching.

But the masochistic part of me kept whispering how much I loved season 1 and 2 and that 3 wasn’t so bad and, sure, since season 3 it’s been declining, but they did so well in the first two seasons, maybe they’ll turn it around again.

They did not turn it around.

Season 5 was just... really, really, really awful.

The over-loaded plotlines that kept getting entangled.

The fucking awful new characters. Like. Liam was always and will always be only Scott 2.0, a very, very cheap rip-off of their own main character - and who even does that? But in season 5, he was just awful. That he threw his temper-tantrums and turned his back on Scott and was just generally a pain in the ass.

Allison 2.0 was even worse though. I legit do not bother remembering the name of Liam’s girlfriend, because she is so flat and... unlikeable. Her only reason for being in this was to create the tension between Scott and Liam.

And Liam’s best friend made them feel like “Oh boy, we cut out the jock and his lovable gay best friend. Let’s replace Jackson and Danny with those two!”. Honestly, they really gave up trying to come up with individual, interesting characters.

And casting showed that too. At least Liam’s best friend is black. But literally everyone else they cast after season 3 was two things - white and brunette. This show started out with such an individual, diverse cast - black male Boyd, blonde female Erica, blonde male Isaac, redheaded female Lydia, polynesian male Danny. And now they basically just cast dark-haired whites and the guys even all look the same. This Theo-guy and that... other... wolf... guy... thing... I honestly don’t remember but the guy who had something with Liam’s best friend, they basically looked the same to me.

The decline in character development and design, as well as the decline in story-telling was only topped off by the dreadfulness.

This show used to be bright. And funny.

As in: It took place during the day too. There used to be colors. In season 5, in many episodes, I could barely tell what was going on because it mainly took place during the night and in total darkness.

And I didn’t laugh once in season 5. Absolutely nothing was funny. It didn’t help that comic relief guy Stiles got kicked in the balls by the writers when they decided they also needed tension between Scott and Stiles.

No, fuck you, you don’t.

The friendship between Scott and Stiles has been the backbone of this show since the very first scene of the first episode. And now you decide that Scott should be stupid, shallow and trustful enough to trust Theo instead of Stiles? Really? That... That’s so OoC. Those are your characters, don’t write them OoC.

The fact that Derek and Peter too became characters who just... disappeared for long periods of time was just ridiculous too. It’s like this show is deliberately trying to sabotage itself and to remove good characters.

Lydia, Stiles and Scott are essentially the only characters left from the... bigger ones. Derek, Peter, Isaac, Boyd, Erica, Jackson, Allison, Aiden, Ethan, Kira, Danny.

Instead we get to keep Malia around who, sure, ist still the best of those new additions. Liam. Liam’s girlfriend. Liam’s best friend. Fucking Theo gets to stay?

And Parrish, who... honestly just gives me the creeps because the dude is old enough to have been to war and to now work at a police station as a deputy, which I really hope for the sake of the safety of the people does require some years of training before you get handed a gun and a badge too, but thinks it’s in any way or shape appropriate to date a high school student? Like, sure, it may be legal but that doesn’t mean you have to do that. Especially not if you’re a police deputy. And I don’t care if that sounds like a hypocrite thing to say because I ship Sterek and that might be the same age-difference. I ship Sterek in fanfiction and fanarts. If fans go ahead and ship Lydia and Parrish sure, cool. Everything goes in the fandom. Not everything should go in canon, because there should be some kind of... moral... behind decisions made. Do not romantize adults dating teens.

So. Yeah.

If they hadn’t announced that season 6 is the final season, I would have turned my back after how bad season 5 was. But... cue in the voice in my head that’s still whispering how much I loved season 1 and 2. And this is the grand finale. It’ll be over after this. Just 20 more episodes, I can watch that. And then it’ll be finally over and they can’t ruin it any more.

The grand finale airs in four days. So I’ll be rewatching the first five seasons now and then I will start watching the final season. I’m terrified of it.

And am I the only one who felt like many decisions made were just made to snuff out Sterek? I mean. Stiles who didn’t have any romantic plotline before, all of a sudden having sex with basically a random stranger in a basement and Derek literally fucking the enemy while he’s half-bleeding to death, but let’s just hurry up and make sure they have female love interests...?