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stunudo · 6 years ago

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BAU Prep School AU: Class of 18

Welcome to the Frederick Buchanan Institute located in scenic Quantico, Virginia, a senior high academy that shapes the best and brightest minds. Its motto is “Behavior, Analysis, Unity,” the mascot the Submariners, colloquially “the Unsubs”. The small school supports the most accomplished faculty from across the country. (image link) 2016-2017 school year Class of 18

A/N: This title is a little misleading, but some scenes apply and will apply later. xoxo Stu

PUBLIC LIES

November 17, 2017 5:40pm

“Meg! Maya is here!” Chris called from the kitchen, he was answered by the thundering of footsteps down the stairs.

“Mai-ma!” Kit threw his hands up, hoping to greet their guest at the door.

“Not yet, buddy, you’ve got another bite or two before you can be released.”

“Mai-ma has dinner. Me want Mai-ma.” Meg led Maya into the kitchen, a bag of fast food in her arms.

“Hey Kitt-o. I have some fries here, but you gotta eat your green beans first. Deal?” Maya’s bright smile had the toddler’s attention.

“Nom-nom, Daddy!” Kit shoved a handful of beans and scraps of chicken into his mouth without so much of a glance at his fork.

“Well, there’s one way to get it down. Hi Maya, how’s it going?” Mr. Callahan stood up and brushed the crumbs from his pants.

“Great, Mr. C. How’s it going with you?”

“Same old, same old. You guys gonna be alright with three babies tonight?”

“Chris, come on. We’re going to be fine.” Meg rolled her eyes, sneaking one of Maya’s fries.

“Big boy! No baby.” Kit argued.

“Okay, are you guys going to be alright with this big guy and two babies? Better?” Kit grinned up at his dad with a mouth full of food, sending Meg and Maya into fits of repulsed laughter.

6:12pm

“Okay, what happens if there is a fire?” JJ looked down her nose at Meg and Maya sitting on the couch, piercing the babysitters’ very souls.

“I will get the kids outside while Maya calls 9-1-1.” Meg answered.

“How are you going to carry three children?” JJ countered. Meg rolled her eyes and stood up, she grabbed Jack by his overall straps, hugging Kit around his waist and picked up Henry’s carrier in her free hand.

“Like that, Ms. Jareau, seriously, we got this.” Maya tried not to laugh out right.

“Jayge? It’s going to be okay, they have our numbers if anything comes up.” Emily tried to soothe JJ’s worried face.

“Meg and Maya have both watched Jack, Jennifer. They are very responsible.” Haley reassured the new mother as she slipped her coat back on.

“It’s nothing personal, I swear, its just the first time we’ve been out.” JJ explained.

“It’s going to be fine. We’ll have fun, you’ll have fun. Go, get some adult time.” Meg tried to escort the six adults out of the house.

“Yeah, we should get going if we want to make the reservation.” Hotch glanced at his watch. JJ kissed Henry one last time as he lay sleeping in his car seat bucket. Emily gave the sitters one last wilted smile as she led her girlfriend back outside. Kate and Chris were the last ones to slide into their car behind Hotch’s large SUV.

“Was I ever that clingy?” Kate asked amused.

“Worse.” Chris answered, glancing in his mirrors. That earned him a swat to his meaty upper arm.

Nov. 22 6:26am

Derek always seemed to keep the heat at the coldest possible setting overnight, which sent Penelope cringing as she made an early morning bathroom stop. She snuggled back into her silk robe as she shuffled toward his kitchen to start the coffee pot. He had yesterday’s mail out on the counter and she may have started sifting through it as she waited for the gentle hiss of heating water and gurgle of brewing coffee. Ads from a gym and a car detailer were ignored, her man was perfect, thank you very much.

There was an open letter from some pretentious sounding company and she really couldn’t keep her fingers from releasing it from the confines of its envelope.

Final Notice:

Mr. Derek Morgan,

This is the last time we will be contacting you. Your lease is concluded as of November 30, 2017 and the property has since been sold. Please ensure you have made appropriate arrangements to have your property removed from the building by no later than Friday December 1, 2017.

Regards,

Matthew Hausenweir, landlord

Solutions Quartered, Inc.

“Baby Girl?” Derek called as he pulled on a pair of sweatpants from the bottom drawer of his dresser. Penelope squeaked as she shoved the letter back into its trifolded form, earning herself a papercut in the process of trying to hide her snooping. Derek found her sheepishly sucking on her ring finger. “What’d you do now?” He slipped his arms around her waist, pulling her in to inspect her wound.

“Nothing, I’m fine. Did I wake you?” Penelope nuzzled against Derek’s neck.

“Penelope? I know you don’t think I left my mail covered in blood.”

“Blood? Weird, I must have brushed it and gotten a papercut.”

“Brushed a letter that was stacked on the other side of the counter? Girl I know you.” Derek grinned, leaving teasing kisses on either side of her neck. She stomped her feet and huffed.

“Fine! I was reading your mail. Whatever. You! You should be packing. You need to be out by next week.”

“Is that so?” Derek gave her a blasé glance. “And what if I have nowhere to move to?”

“Uh, my place, duh. Derek Morgan, I don’t know how you teach kids when you don’t see the obvious in front of your face. We can finally stop having overnight bags and just live together!”

“Are you sure? I was going to ask you with flowers and things.”

“Oh, still do that. All the flowers and things. But my answer will be yes, because then I can finally not freeze to death at night.”

Derek barked a laugh, “Well, I hope there’s more to moving in together than just control of the thermostat.”

“It’s one of the many perks.” Penelope grinned up at him, pointing to her cheek so he would kiss her again. She stood on her tip toes in his kitchen and reveled in the fact that every morning would be like this. Waking up with her love and making coffee.

What more could a girl ask for?

Nov. 27 7:02am

Luke had started worrying about another slight against F.B.I since their defeat of New Canaan in the football play offs. The week-long break over Thanksgiving would have been a perfect opportunity for another form of vandalism or theft. He pulled into his usual spot in the staff parking lot and began surveying the grounds for any signs of misdoings. His breath puffed in front of him as his dress shoes crunched against the frost lined sidewalk.

Matt Simmons was sitting in his car a few spots down, listening to NPR and finishing his first cup of coffee for the day. Luke looked like he was looking for something which caused Matt to hurry up his morning routine.

“Everything okay?” Matt called out as he grabbed his briefcase and messenger bag from the back seat of his two-door coupe.

“Yeah, so far.” Luke answered, nodding with his jaw set in concern.

“Thinking something went down over break?” Matt added his eyes to the patrol, his long legs quickly caught up to the soccer coach.

“Call it a hunch,” Luke sighed, shoving his hands in the pockets of his khakis. “You ever wonder why this rivalry started?”

Matt tilted his head noticing a distinct shift in Luke’s posture and phrasing. “I figured it was one of those long running old boys club things, a ‘your dad beat my dad at polo and now you’re in for it’ type of thing.”

Luke grinned at the example, damn it was easy talking to Simmons. “Maybe, at some point, but the egging, the theft of the Submarine, that’s only been going on this year.”

“No shit. Why now?” Matt asked, knowing Luke was building up to something.

Luke didn’t say anything, he just stopped in front of the main doors. He worried his jaw before he finally came clean. “Because I took the job here.”

“What? You used to work there?” Matt didn’t remember hearing anything about Luke’s previous schools, in particular. He had a memory for details and now wondered if he missed something about his fellow new teacher.

“Phil Brooks, the football coach? He’s my, uh, ex,” Luke cleared his throat, holding the door for Matt to get out of the cold.

“This is all the case of a jilted lover?!” Matt’s mouth puckered ruefully for Luke. “Tough break man. You dump him for the job?”

“Well, no, not exactly, but I think that’s what he took away from me moving.” Luke explained, heading towards the kitchen and Rossi’s famous espresso. “Look, I’m not exactly out here, but with everything that the school has had to face, because of me—”

“Look, you did not ask for any of this. I won’t say anything, this was strictly off the record.”

“Hey, thanks, I’m just trying to figure out how to hash it all out with Hotch.”

“Good luck, but hopefully they’ll come to their senses and stop playing dirty.” Matt suggested, he adjusted his bag on his shoulder before heading toward the stairwell. “See you later, Luke.”

Luke nodded, his thoughts swarming inside his head as he went to grab a latte from the Chef.

Nov. 30 9:38am

Jordan made her way to the office to check her mailbox during her prep period. She had done well this year and kept her opinions to herself, after the mess last year she had been holding her breath constantly. Ashley was leaning over her desk purposely making small talk with Grant as he vacuumed. Jordan shook her head, that woman knew full well he didn’t want to talk and couldn’t hear her anyway.

“Morning Ashley,” Jordan gave her a look before walking to the wall of trays.

“Jordan, hi! Hey, did you know that Luke Alvez helped Grant, here, clean up after the egging fiasco?” The blonde smirked as the poor custodian blushed with the women gossiping.

“Well its good to see there still some good old fashioned hard work and kindness out there.” Jordan admitted.

“And he’s so handsome too. Can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t want to snatch him up.”

“Oh no, Ashley, no. Leave the poor boy be.” Jordan warned, thinking she meant for herself.

“What? Please.” Ashley sat back, settling into her well-worn seat. “I’m not quite his type, I’ll have you know.” She made eyes at Grant who was trying desperately to finish his tasks and escape this uncomfortable scenario for good. He had his head down, but the vacuum was off, so he certainly could hear their continuing conversation. Jordan was now on the same page.

“He has got a lot of free time now that soccer season is over with.” Jordan admitted after an awkward pause. “And that’s all I am going to say. If a certain single guy wanted to ask him out, he would probably have a nice time.”

Ashley and Jordan watched Grant wheel the vacuum out of the office and let the beveled glass door slowly close behind him.

“Do you think he is going to do it?” Ashley gushed while twirling a pen into her cheek.

“He’s going to be adamant about not doing it for a good few weeks. That’s why we need to hope Mr. Alvez does it for him.” Jordan smirked.

Dec. 5 12:43pm

Michel didn’t want to walk to the other side of the school to use the staff bathroom, like they had been doing for the past three and a half years. The lunch hour had just begun, so they figured if they ducked into the guys’ bathroom they wouldn’t be intruding on anyone. Michel hadn’t counted on someone who wasn’t paying attention to the class schedule at all. He was in the back of the room, sat on the floor opposite the stalls, vaping.

“Whoa, sorry, uh, do you mind if I—?” Michel asked.

“Piss? Be my guest.” Jake shrugged, he was dazed and staring at the ancient ceiling tiles. Michel made their way to a stall and took care of business, trying not to over think the situation. Washing their hands, they finally caught a whiff from whatever Jake was smoking, it definitely wasn’t jasmine.

“I can’t believe you right now.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t expecting you here either.” Jake muttered, standing and tucking his pipe back in his pants’ pocket.

“Don’t you have Mr. Alvez this hour?” Michel spun, challenging Jake, despite the height difference and all that had passed between them.

“Yeah, I do. Sorry, Mom but I skipped Spanish today. Don’t think she would really care, since I have been speaking it longer than English.” Jake dusted his pants off as Michel gaped at him.

“Why are you being like this?” Michel’s voice was so soft it wasn’t meant to be heard. Jake’s inhale and flaming eyes caught Michel in the mirror before they could turn away.

“Just making everything easier.” Jake spat.

“For who?”

“I don’t know, everyone? You don’t want me like I want you, Michel. Might as well keep the lines clear from here on out.” He was hurt, it was oozing through his tough guy exterior. Michel turned and finally took in the state of the boy in front of them. How much they had affected Jake since breaking off his kiss backstage all those weeks ago.

“You know I hate distinctions like that. Nothing is ever one or the other.” Michel countered, leaning against the wall, refusing to let Jake out of the conversation now.

“Yeah, well, maybe this isn’t about making you comfortable. Maybe this is about trying not to break down while I watch you flirt with Iggy next hour or help Cissy with her Bio homework.”

Michel eyes pinched, finally taking in how much Jake saw them in every situation. The actor in them craved the spotlight, but the focused attention of someone was jarring. Especially when it wasn’t unwanted. They shook their head trying to find the words for what they wanted to say.

“I don’t want you in pain, Jake, you have to know that.”

“Doesn’t exactly feel like it, Michel.” He was still stoned, but he swung his arms to do something besides just stand there.

“Kissing me-- you caught me off guard, I had no idea you liked me. Not like that. Well, especially since I’m not exactly a guy.”

“You’re beautiful Michel, no matter how you dress or if you wear makeup or not. Look I am as gay as I ever was, but I’m not blind. We’ve been friends too long for you to think I want you to be something you’re not.” Jake had somehow started comforting Michel, why was this so confusing? Michel walked closer, glancing at the door as the noise from the cafeteria increased.

“You scared me.” Michel whispered, tucked within an embarrassed laugh. “I have spent so many years declaring my identity that I hadn’t really accepted my sexuality. I guess, with my father, parents, I just hadn’t brought it up. You know? I’m enough of a burden.”

Jake ran his hand through his hair, his heart breaking again, knowing the pain of being yourself and having no way of satisfactorily expressing it. “You’re not a burden, Michel. If you’re not ready to date or not sure if you like guys—why didn’t you just say something?”

“Because, its you. I never wanted to lose you. You’ve been one of the few people who I can just click with, you know?” Michel’s eyes were glistening now, Jake gave them a half smirk.

“Kind of backfired, don’t ya think?” Jake held out his hand and intertwined his knuckles with Michel’s, arms lengths apart, connecting and calming each other. “Is this okay? Are we going to be able to figure this out?”

Michel sniffled, “Are you going to stop smoking in the boys’ room?” They both laughed at the reference, Jake drew Michel to his chest. They stood there holding each other in the middle of the school day in the entry way of the restroom for a heartbeat. Jake kissed his friend’s head, breathing in their scent before letting go.

“You should get some lunch, I’ll call you later.”

“You coming to English?” Michel asked assertively. Jake nodded, a satisfied yet cocky look on his face.

Dec. 7 4:18pm

Spencer Reid was appreciating the end of fall as the bare trees billowed in an afternoon breeze. The skeletal forms were reminders of change and not a depressing sight to the science teacher. He had driven this route for the majority of his time teaching at the Institute and was still glad he had found the scenic drive in the first place. He didn’t need to rush home, but he could if he needed to. It was nearly dark, and he had a long night ahead of him between his usual Thursday night NA meeting and grading labs.

He couldn’t help but smile as he pulled into the driveway, he could see the cat watching him from the window, fuzzing up the back of the couch. He leaned down and grabbed his satchel and his stack of folders from the passenger’s seat. Someone was burning leaves in the distance, the scent locked into his mind as a Virginia phenomenon as he hadn’t experienced as a desert native. Rationally, he knew it was a common practice wherever deciduous trees were abundant. Spencer slammed the car door shut and double checked the lock before strolling to the front door, it was robin’s egg blue with gold accents.

Voices rolled from the living room, laughter and the television melding together.

“Spencer’s home! How was your day, honey?” Diana cackled from her recliner in the living room.

“Good!” Spencer wiggled his nose before kicking off his Chuck Taylor’s on the mat. “How are my girls doing today?” he called back.

“You get your card skills from your mother, don’t you?!” Elle accused from the couch.

“Uh-oh, what happened?” Spencer’s brow pinched as he ducked his head around the half-wall where his mother and his girlfriend were watching a telenovela.

“She cheats, just like you!” Elle pointed at both the Reids before shaking her head.

“Mom?” Spencer raised his eyes at Diana, she bit her lip and shrugged. “Mom!”

“Oh don’t give me that look, Spencer. I had to cheat to beat you as a kid and now it’s the only way I know how to play.”

“What were you playing?” Spencer plopped down next to Elle and put his arm around her on the back of the couch.

“Bridge.”

“Well, I hope the stakes were high enough to warrant such dubiousness.” Spencer’s jaw pitched forward as Elle gave him an unamused look.

“Don’t encourage her.”

“What? I’m not!” He feigned shock. She pinched his side, doubling him over.

“Hey, you two, old lady here. Leave room for the Holy Spirit.” Diana teased, turning up the sound on the television.

“Mom, you can’t use piety as an excuse as an atheist.”

“And why can’t I? I’m your mother, I’ll do as I please.” Diana huffed, hiding a half smirk. “And I am going to go finish dinner, so you kids can be off to your meetings.” She not so subtly left the couple alone for a few welcoming kisses. Spencer hummed into Elle’s mouth.

“Was she really that bad?”

“I don’t even think she knows the rules, Spencer, I swear.” Elle giggled as he tucked her hair behind her ear. “What?”

“Just happy to see you.” Spencer’s brown eyes turned puppy dog and his hand sneaked up her thigh.

“Still not very smooth there, Dr. Reid,” Elle rolled her eyes before straightening his tie. “How much grading do you have tonight?”

Spencer sighed, “Not so much.” Elle knew by the tone of his voice that he was flubbing his answer.

“Go get started, can’t have you up until midnight again,” Elle pointed to his desk in the office across the house.

“Just one more?” Spencer leaned down sheepishly. Elle groaned, letting him kiss her neck before pushing him on to the floor.

“Homework, go!”

Next Chapter: Private Lives

@mentallydatingspencerreid @dontshootmespence @ultrarebelheart @lyrasilverroseelizabethamanti @cynbx @rikersgirl22 @pllfrommars @wheresthewater @darknesstoglowing @adropintheocean1234567 @tleighstone12 @unitchiefwives @sam-carter-in-training @prettyboysjello @ddreammcatcher @thegirlinflames @night–hawk @t25luver @onlyalittleteenwolfobsessed @thismiss02 @literallyprentissstwin @usercorgis @natalie-fangirl @holding-on-to-francis @nikkipea @alisonxnguyen @nsanchez1992

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highbuttonsports · 5 years ago

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One Hell Of a Time at The Calgary Stampede

One hell of a time. I don’t know how else one can describe the Calgary Stampede. The Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth is how the CS brand describes the Calgary Stampede, and they don’t diss a point. There’s so many things involved in the Stampede that some you see from afar, most you don’t. Food that you wouldn’t believe, tents where you can party until the sun comes out. All this accompanied by the daily rodeo and evening Chuckwagon races. The Calgary Stampede is something that if you have never experienced, put it on your damn bucket list right now and get out here! I honestly don’t even know where to start to when describing the Calgary Stampede.

Hundreds of thousands of tourists flock into town days before, and the city evolves. How does a city evolve you ask? The 10 days that are the Calgary Stampede, the whole city is in the spirit. It’s not like a Flames playoff run, or a Mooseheads memorial cup run (for those East Coasters tuning in), this is off the charts. Just think of it as a party for 10 straight days. Day and night. Then get up and do it all again. Cowboy boots, western wear, hats you name it. It’s Halloween in July. Legit, I’m sure the true cowboys around just sit back and laugh at everyone dressed up in skinny jeans and cowboy boots. In skirts that your ass will hang out of (male and female, we don’t discriminate).

The common goal though, is the whole city for once is on the exact same page. Everyone is involved, and everyone is bought in. How often these days does the city come together no matter who you are, what you do, what race you are, what car you drive, what brand of underwear you wear. We’re all the City of Calgary for these 10 days putting on the Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth. Like I said, there’s so many parts and pieces to Stampede, but does anyone really care about the fried food, the midway rides and games and the G Rated parts? Absolutely not. Every city has midways some time or another, but Stampede. Man oh man.. Stampede. You can do Stampede many different ways. I remember chatting with a buddy just before the week kicked off and told them that I had never personally been on a midway ride during Stampede. Their face dropped and couldn’t believe it. As I laughed, it’s just not how we’ve ever done Stampede. Let me introduce you to the main reason why most locals dislike the Stampede. It’s one big piss up, which I guess isn’t a lie, but I guess it’s what a lot of people love.

Personally I’ve been in Calgary for 4 years in December, and I just finished my fourth Stampede. I won’t lie, the first one was pretty calm and uneventful. We took in a few events, but never were exposed to the nitty gritty. The second one.. well yup, now we’re going. The third one, well that was just a gong show, and this year, another one for the books. I’ll try not to bore you with stories of every time I’ve ever been to the Stampede. We can save that for the autobiography, but lets dip into some fun events. A lot of Stampede is corporate outings, events, piss ups you name it. We entertain customers, we gamble on the Chuckwagons, we throw money around at the bull riding. 2017 was when I started my current gig. Cowboy’s tent. I can just stop there and the majority of you will know where that goes. But lets dive in. I’m the newbie, the rookie, the kid.

We have some customers out to the Cowboy’s tent on a Sunday night, the Chainsmokers are in town. Now we’re not just in the tent, but we have a Super Suite, raised above the crowd with bottle service, VIP the whole 9 yards. Following pre drinks we all head to the Suite, waltz right in like we own the place right up to the suite. Yea, it is kind of a big deal because all the pigeons hang out below. I’m kidding, Cowboy’s is a blast no matter where you are. I can’t remember the security guards name, but he was a gem. On our way up to the suite, he looks at a few of us and kind of pulls us aside. “If you see any ladies that you want up here, let me know. We’ll get them up there”.

Alright then. Yup, buckle up here we go. Side note, now hailing from Halifax, we just don’t have parties like this. Sure you can get ‘guest list’ at the Dome, or give a bouncer at Reflections a twenty to get in, but this is right in line with Vegas shit. This doesn’t happen where I grew up. Moving along though, we’re in for a night. I was thinking to myself I don’t know what I’ve gotten into, but I love this. Keep in mind, Cowboy’s is probably THE PLACE to be during the Stampede. Partying it up with customers. I remember how awesome Neon Dreams was that evening, and that’s about it. Being above the crowd, lots of girls want to come up, lots of people want to be involved. Having some stand down below trying to grab your attention to bring them up, you feel like Sidney Crosby or something sitting up here. Now I’m not that naïve in thinking they want you. They just want the free drinks dumbass, but lets be honest, it’s still funny as hell in that situation. I can go on and on about this night, but it literally black outs after Neon Dreams (great Halifax boys). Leaving Cowboy’s, waking up on the front step, paying a $400 limo bill with the company card, and that story still gets told through the workplace today. That’s Stampede. Well I guess not everyone’s Stampede, but that was my first exposure to how I know Stampede. So with my work we do a lot of customer entertaining, and 2018 we actually bought a tarp and sponsored a Chuckwagon driver. So it goes like this. Every year there is a canvas auction where companies will bid on tarps that will be on the Chuckwagons for each night they race.

Tarps range from 50K – 150K depending on the driver. But the catch is you get 10 nights of entertainment, having access to a tent setup in the barns with food, drinks and more fun. Your driver will take you on a barn tour to meet the horses, their staff. It’s a pretty cool experience. So in 2018, I’m the only rep in my division, so we had one full night this event. You get 40 tickets a night, and I had 25 of my guys, the boys, you name it. I felt like a frigging event planner trying to piece this together and set it off without a hitch. Now Cowboy’s was awesome, but I think this was better. Had a phenomenal crew, unbelievable laughs, shit tons of beer and lots of money being tossed around. Yea, we gamble on the races. Very common practice, around the grandstands with cowboy hats full of money getting passed around, pots growing and more. It’s an absolute riot. We had a great crew out that night. Keep in mind I have anywhere from divisional managers of these huge companies, to site superintendents. Like I said earlier, everyone is in this together though. It doesn’t matter who you are, we’re all here for the party. We lost a few people over the course of the night, but there’s always those stragglers that don’t want to go home, so we head to Nashville North. Country music. Nashville North is a tent on the Stampede grounds which is free to get in, and is just another huge party. They have nightly country shows that gets some decent acts in not to mention everyone is lit. I think about 8 of us made it over there out of 25 that night. Mind you, I had a fellow East Coaster with me who I knew would stay out all night. I might as well end this right now, nothing crazy happened. Dancing, drinking, whatever. It’s just another story of standing at the table, looking at the stage and it being a blur.

That’s Stampede. This year was, well just another year at Stampede. Nights ending at 3:30 in morning, back to backs. It’s just another Stampede. We did the same thing this year, expect I got a few other nights to head down and enjoy the same thing. Opening night this year, it’s kind of like standing on the blue line during the national anthem. The anticipation before the game, your amped, your antsy, you just want to get going. Let’s go boys, let’s fucking go! That was my whole day Friday July 5th , 2019 and it did not disappoint. Replace blue line with office, and it was basically the same thing. I was lucky enough to only have a few boys with me the first night which is a lot easier to manage. Night started pretty tame, but when you look down the tarmac and see one of your largest customer’s who also sponsored a Chuck is here, you know you better buckle up. The bets were made between companies when we went head to head and we came up short.

I guess the drinks are on me for the night, fine. Man oh man. What happens when your crew in Alberta is made up of a couple Nova Scotians, and a handful of Newfie’s. Need I say more? That night ended with sharing a cab home with a customer, no idea where this guy lives. He’s passed out cold in the cab trying to wake this guy up to get him home. Night one was a success. Luckily this kid had 6 days off before heading back down for our big night yet again. Fast forward to Thursday, a lot of the same crew from the previous year but a lot of us know each other better, and it’s like everyone looked at each other at the same time and said “We’re getting #InOne”. Yup, here we go. Shot gunning at the tent opened up the evening, bottomless drinks filled in the middle. So we head to the barns after the races to drink some more. The boot came off. So we have a rookie employee that joined us this year.We started putting it in ears around that the rookie each year has to drink from the boot.This was a lie, but we wanted to get this guy. The boot came off, my right boot. Let’s fill er up! Poured a few cold beer in them, and kicked it off.

I got my boss drinking from it, we got our vendors. What good sports we had here. We even had a couple of military gents that joined our tent for a beer. Asked them for a favour to play along and take a sip? These guys were absolute fucking beauty’s finishing a boot each. Like I said, the boot. Far from new. Might have been threw a few Stampede’s with god knows what on the ground. Would this new guy do it? Nope. Not a chance. A long lasting tradition ended. Now if only one person took a sip, yea whatever it’d probably die off and think nothing of it. But EVERYONE in the tent is chugging from this thing. C’Mon man, grow a set. We partied the night away at Nashville North again until the wee hours of the morning.

I remember waking up with a text from one of our vendors who comes in to town for our event every year. Word for word, “The way that you started the drinking from your boot, was nothing short of heroic. I think you single handedly started a new tradition. Fucking good on ya!”. I didn’t think it was heroic by any means, just a little drunken fun. But looking back now, and what transpired the next night I think we’re onto something. So I did end up back down at our tent the next night as well, and to make a long story short. The boot story from our night before had already gotten around to some of our higher end managers and they ate that shit up. “When’s the boot coming out tonight!”, “Come on Murrant, let’s get that boot going!”.

Yup, we definitely started something. You’d think the boot would be soaked. Nope. I walked around with that thing on the rest of the evening, it was bone dry. Doesn’t take much to finish a few beer out of the size 12! One hell of a time. I can go on and on about Stampede. I know these stories are strictly about partying and drinking, but who wants to read a blog about a kid who picked up a duck out of a floating pond and didn’t win a prize? Didn’t think so. Stampede is one if not the greatest party on earth.

As I said early on. If you ever get the chance to go, you MUST. Don’t think about it, just get your ass out here! If you’re sitting there thinking well I don’t know anyone out there, or know what to do out there. Stop making excuses. Let’s go! Get your ass out here, you will not be disappointed. If you’ve even made it this far, I commend you. Round of drinks on me when you get out here for the party. All I can say to sum up Stampede. Stampede, man.

-Mike Murrant

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ehonestreviews · 5 years ago

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For sale by owner – fsbo – Information

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Description:

Rebel

Real

Estate Agent and Mortgage Banker reveals the

quick and easy secrets of selling

your home for TOP Dollar

…and saving piles of cash by doing it yourself.

“We

SOLD our house in one week!”

“We were at the end of our rope when the new year rolled around without success.

Then

we purchased your ebook, ‘Selling Your Home Alone,’ and SOLD our home one week later… Thank you!

We would

highly recommend the purchase of

this ebook to anyone serious about selling their home “buy

owner!”

– K.

Johnston, Michigan

The

Richmond Times Dispatch featured us and says we have

“… a useful guide to the details of preparing and selling a

house.”

Listen

To A

Personal Message

From Jim Edwards Streaming MP3s require Flash 6

or later.

Upgrade quickly!

From the Desk of Jim Edwards

Dear

Home Seller,

Your

chances of selling your house without an agent just got better than ever…

you want to avoid paying outrageous commissions by selling your

house yourself so you can move

into a larger house… or so you can make a larger down-payment on

your next house… or if you

would just plain like to hang onto your equity

that you’ve worked so hard for,

rather than just handing it over to a real estate agent…

this may be the most important letter you ever read!

I’m

sitting here at my computer on a Sunday afternoon thinking about a time not too

long ago when I was standing at a crossroads in my life… right where you probably are at this very

moment. I wanted to sell my house so I could make a move I thought was

vitally important to my career… but hiring a real estate agent was out of the

question!

make matters worse… I actually had TWO (2) houses I had to sell

in less than 45 days in order to make a move to Florida to take a job I really

wanted. On top of all that I had just gotten married two weeks before to a

wonderful lady I wanted desperately to please and provide for.

Now

at the time I thought I was lucky, because I had been a Mortgage Banker for

about four years and thought I knew the real estate business as well as

anybody… after all I had been involved in helping over 1,000 people make their

most important real estate decision by that time, and hardly any of the agents I

knew had any clue about business… let alone real estate. I figured if they

could do it… I could do it!

I decided that if anybody could sell these houses in 45 days I could… boy did

I have it coming! The first two weeks nothing happened. I ran ads like everybody

else… and got the same results as everybody else… nothing. The only people

who called me were realtors trying to see if I would list my house with them…

and they

proceeded to get mad at me for trying to sell it on my own when they had been

sending me mortgages… go figure! They were mad at me for trying to sell my

house without them… even though I knew there was no way they could meet my

time-frame… besides I’d never seen one really earn that high commission

anyway!

Things

were looking mighty bleak… I was running out of time!

Then

one night something happened I’ll remember for the rest of my life… and I want

to stress to you that everything I am saying here is the honest-to-God

truth. I have actually toned down some of the events in order to

keep them completely believable!

I said… I was running out of time. The job in Florida was going to close soon,

and I had to have a contract on both houses within 2 weeks so I’d have a shot at

closing them within 30 days after that. I went to bed on a Wednesday night after

asking God to help me figure out what to do… and then drifted off to sleep.

woke up a little after 1:20 a.m. in the morning and sat straight up in bed

breathing very, very fast! I had the “answer”. It was so simple, yet

it was so powerful… I knew I had the answer!

The

next day, Thursday morning, my wife and I sat down and re-wrote the ad we had

been running for the last two weeks. We actually raised the sales price of one

of the houses, made some other changes to the ad, and called the paper so the ad

would run in Sunday’s paper.

we each got on the phone and made 10 to 15 phone calls to people we knew.

I redid the flyers based on the inspiration I’d had the night before. I drove

down to the copy store and had 50 made up of each. I gave some to my wife, took

the rest myself and we both went to work.

What

happened next seemed almost like magic… but looking back it makes so much

sense, I still want to kick myself for not thinking of it sooner!

That

night we got a call from one of my wife’s co-workers who had seen the NEW flyer

I’d made up. The one slight modification I’d made to the headline and the terms

we were offering set off a chain reaction of phone calls and events I couldn’t

believe. That lady, along with one other called that night and made an

appointment to see the house Saturday morning at 9:30 a.m.

Saturday

morning rolled around and I showed the house to my wife’s coworker. She looked

around for 5 minutes and said “I’ll take it!” She wrote me a check for

her entire down payment on the spot… with ZERO price negotiations. She paid me

full asking price without even so much as an argument! We filled out the simple

paperwork and we were one house down… and only one house to go!

The

next morning was Sunday, and I was so nervous I couldn’t eat breakfast. How

would the new ad do… would my flash of inspiration for the newspaper ad pan

out… or fizzle like a match thrown in a bucket of cold water?

The

phone started ringing almost off the hook! Call after call after call! As soon

as I put the handset back in the cradle, within 5 minutes the phone would start

ringing again. The ad worked… IT WORKED!

That

day we made appointments with 7 people to come look at the house. We had the

usual tire kickers of course, but the third couple that came through the door

were the ones who bought the house. They had all kinds of questions, but we were

ready for them (just as you’ll be ready after I’m done teaching you!) with

financing information, closing information, the proper disclosures and a whole

lot more.

made an appointment with them to return the following Wednesday to write the

contract after he talked to MY banker… that’s right he was going to talk to my

banker who was fully authorized to tell me everything I needed to know about

this buyer’s financial ability to buy my house! They came back that Wednesday

and we signed the deal… for FULL PRICE… and I knew it would go through

because I knew… beyond a shadow of a doubt… that he could get the money

because he had talked to MY banker!

Both

houses closed within 30 days from date of contract signing… and I got the job

in Florida!

About

a year later I ran into a friend who was trying to sell his condo. He was

pulling his hair out, and his marriage was really suffering under the strain and

stress of trying to get one of their two houses sold. They had to sell because

they needed to free up cash flow for renovations to their dream home. Two

mortgage payments were eating them alive and things looked hopeless!

sat down and explained to them exactly how my wife and I had sold both of our

houses, and the light bulb went off for him too! My friend change his classified

ad using the technique I had used to sell our house that Sunday… and he ran

his ad the next Saturday. He got 13 phone calls in two hours…. made 6

appointments and sold the house the next day… he sold his house THE NEXT DAY for FULL PRICE…

without the first bit of haggling on the part of the buyer!

The

astounding thing is that two (2) Realtors had had the exact same property

for over a YEAR and they couldn’t sell it with their multiple listings and

caravans and big newspaper ads… but my friend sold it on his own

(with a little advice from me) in ONE day!

was then I decided to do two things:

Start

selling real estate full time (I’d been licensed since 1992)

Write

my first book “Selling Your Home Alone”!

got written up in some big newspapers and did some radio across the country

too…

The

Richmond Times Dispatch calls us

“… a useful guide to the details of preparing and selling a

house.”

Do you know how hard

it is to get the newspapers to say anything good about anything… let alone a

product that is going to make many of their advertisers really, really mad (realtors spend a lot of

money on ads)!

When realtors saw these articles they went

completely nuts. “How dare you!” seemed to be the first words out of

every agent’s mouth… “How dare you take money out of our pockets and keep

us from earning those high real estate fees!”

All these agents started flipping

out over the book because they could see in a minute what a valuable tool it was

and that it was going to take the easy real estate commissions right out of

their pockets!

Needless to say I became very unpopular with other agents… but I

DIDN’T

CARE… in fact it was kind of fun to put them in their places and give

away their “secrets”. Incredible as it may seem, most of them don’t

even know, understand, or use what I’m going to teach you in this ebook… because they are too

lazy to learn!

Most

agents just throw your house in the MLS and hope it

sells… that’s it… all the promises about marketing most agents make are

just a smoke

screen!

The only thing they have that sells a property is putting it in the

MLS… the vast majority don’t do any meaningful marketing!

So now some time has passed and over the years I have helped literally thousands

of people to make educated decisions about selling, buying and financing!

As a mortgage banker and real estate agent I have sold, bought, financed and

represented MILLIONS and MILLIONS of dollars worth of transactions. I have seen

it all, heard it all – “been there, done that” – and I have boiled it down to a simple system that – if you do what

I tell you – you can sell your house – no matter what your

local market conditions!

Let me say it again… This system MUST work for you… it doesn’t have a choice! If you do it the way

I tell you… a buyer has to appear… just like the law of

gravity states that a rock dropped from your roof must fall to the ground.

It’s unavoidable… it

can’t be screwed up!!

How

to get FREE and

Low-Cost Advertising…

– How to get exposure that doesn’t cost a dime!

– How to use several different FREE Advertising methods effectively to Save Thousands

in advertising fees.

How

to Negotiate a

Win-Win Sale with nervous buyers…

– Get an offer down on paper – quickly – so you can get to closing!

– Protect your interests and avoid confrontation!

Use

Proven Marketing and Advertising techniques that really work!

– We’ll teach you all the secrets the Pro’s use to sell FAST!

– Don’t waste money on ads that don’t pull!

The

absolute best way to Use the

Internet to Sell Your Home…

– Announcing the Absolute Best Way to use the World Wide Web to sell your home.

“Set the

stage” for KILLER Showings to buyers…

– Don’t blow it after you work so hard to get buyers to show up!

Have lawyers and

bankers begging to help you… at no extra charge!

– Get extra help that usually wont cost you a dime!

Sell

it yourself… even if you’re busy with a full time job, kids, etc!

– Even if youre extremely

busy… this program was made to teach you how to leverage your time and energy to your greatest

advantage… and save big on commission!

People just like you have used this incredible system to save the commission

and

move into a nicer home, make a larger down-payment or just plain hang onto more

of their hard-earned money!

Here’s what just a few of them have to say about this amazing book,

“Selling Your Home Alone”, that has literally changed their lives…

Jim. My husband and I are so excited

I had to write and tell you our good news!

We were contacted on Saturday, showed the house the next Saturday and

had an offer within two hours! (And 10 minutes after our second showing left the house.) What a whirlwind.

Thank you so much for writing such a good resource for those novices of us out here who need

it!

– K.T. Reynolds,

O’Fallon, IL

1. Buy the FSBO book. 2. Read it. 3. DO WHAT IT SAYS.

Thanks.

I credit you and your book because If had not read it and had the plan

laid

out for me, I would never have had the courage to try myself. There are so

many variables into taking on such a project that it overwhelmed me and left

me a dazed and confused state. I really wanted to move to a nicer

neighborhood and the only way to have the money to buy another house was if I

sold this house myself.

I hesitated out of fear of the unknown, but was also determined not to

fail. When I saw your article in the Richmond Times Dispatch, I was thrilled.

Your

book has guided me through the steps and I succeeded. I am working with a

lawyer now for the legalities, and he is guiding me now step by step. I paid

him a 140.00 to write the contract. I guess the cost of your book, web page

update, add, and lawyer fee was under 200.00. If I had listed with an agent I

would have spent roughly 5400.00. I am very happy and thank you.

– K. G.,

Richmond, VA

We continued to show our home for the next 10 days. The same realtor brought another

party in last Saturday. They gave us a full cash offer within an hour. We

still had the contingency to deal with. The first couple sold their house the same

day and will not take possession of our house in June.

Thanks for your book and you web site.

– Bruce,

Faribault, MN

Thanks for your easy to understand manual.

It gave us the confidence we needed to sell our house in just 2

weeks, and without a realtor.

– K.T.,

Garland, TX

I sold my home in 10 DAYS!

Jim, Just thought I’d let you know that I sold my home in 10

DAYS! I found a cash buyer (actually, he found me) and I sold it WELL

above my personal minimum price. THANKS!

– S.S.,

League City, TX

I’ve got pages and pages and pages of people just like you all over the country

– in fact, all over the world, who have sold successfully and quickly using our

easy and proven system for success!

I can guarantee that some people’s houses will never

sell, because no matter how much I scream, yell, beg, threaten and plead… they won’t do what

works!

I can guarantee that some people’s

houses will take years to sell… sometimes because of things they can control but

don’t do anything about (like price or condition)… or some things they can’t control like a nearby airport or nuclear

waste dump!

I can guarantee that people all over the world have used my simple and powerful

techniques to sell their houses as fast as possible based on their local market

conditions by pricing their houses correctly and getting the maximum exposure

possible in the shortest period of

time… and that if you do exactly what I tell you to do… your house

will sell!

Worth

over 150 times what you’ll pay!

Wait…

Don’t decide now!

You don’t have to

decide now. Get the book and try it out for 30 days at no risk! If it isn’t

everything I say it is… if it doesn’t help you to get your house into the

proper condition… if it doesn’t show you exactly how to price your home for

maximum profit … if it doesn’t guide you step-by-step through the escrow

process and keep you out of all the pitfalls most sellers who even have agents fall

into… then I don’t want your money! I’ll give it all back … no questions asked!

fact, you can even keep all the free bonuses including the Special Report “How I did it!” for taking

the time to review the book. You simply can’t lose!

Get

these Bonuses if you act Now!

If you act today I’ll guarantee you receive the following bonuses:

BONUS

Special Report: HOW I DID IT

I’ll reveal exactly how I sold both of our houses AND how my buddy sold his

house in one day just by changing his ad! I’ll hold nothing back and I explain

everything about each deal in detail.

How the ads were

written.

How the terms

were offered.

How we handled

the phone calls… everything about the deals.

This report

alone is worth 10 times the price of the book. I have plenty of people who

never read the book… all they want is to know what I did and how

I did it so they can copy me!

BONUS

Report – How to get FREE Property Listings Pages!

I’ll

show you more than 11 different FREE places to instantly list your home for sale online … and

you don’t pay a dime in advertising!

The 100%

Absolutely BEST Places to Advertise your Home For Sale Online – FREE

FREE house

listing sites where you can expose your home to as many online buyers as

possible. The more you expose it… the faster you sell it.

We show you the

best places to get free advertising by creating ads and property listing

pages that have traffic hitting them every day!

This

bonus alone is worth 10 times the small cost of my ebook!

BONUS-

Sample Forms PackWhen you

purchase my for-sale-by-owner book right now, “Selling Your Home Alone”, you also get

instant access to our FREE Contracts and Sample Forms

PAK.

Contract of

Purchase: The main document you use to lock down a buyer and get your home sold.

Property

Sale Contingency Addendum: This document is used when your buyer has to sell their

house. It keeps your house from being “held hostage” by a buyer who cant

sell their house.

General

Addendum: This document helps to cover any points that are not addressed in the

Contract, such as personal property included in the sales price, closing costs paid for

the buyer by the seller, and other items. This form keeps buyers and sellers on the same

page and eliminates “confusion” that gets expensive at the closing table.

Property

Inspection Addendum: This document takes care of the buyers home inspection.

It spells out the dates and conditions of the home inspection to cover you against a

nervous or careless buyer.

Walk Through

Addendum: This document helps you against the buyer coming back after the closing

saying something is wrong and they didnt have a chance to inspect the property prior

to closing. It also explains to the buyer that the purpose of the final walk through is to

make sure that the house is in essentially the same condition it was in when they wrote

the contract.

BONUS-

25 minute “Live” Uninterrupted Radio Interview

Radio Interview with

FSBO Expert Jim Edwards”9 Keys to Successful

Selling”

Listen in to a recent radio interview I gave on a

mid-west real estate talk show where I covered the “9 Keys to

Successful Selling” and revealed tips, tricks and techniques on:

“An

absolutely fantastic “quick-start” and motivator

for any serious for sale by owner!”

The only thing standing between you and a successful sale is the specialized information

we’ll teach you in this course.

Here’s how you get started:

Download

“Selling Your Home Alone”

Download your eBook copy to view on your

computer or print yourself

-The

eBook guaranteed to

help you in selling your home yourself by teaching you:

Killer Marketing

that pulls buyers like crazy.

Why the best

advertising is FREE… and how you can get it instantly just by asking

the right people!

How to Price for

Maximum Profit… no matter what your local market conditions.

How to

negotiate a win-win contract … even with the most nervous buyers.

How to cut

“bargain hunters” off at the knees when they start

trying to whittle you down on price!

Quick and

easy “Showing & Staging” Techniques the real pro’s

use to put a house in “selling” condition.

How to make

sure you don’t tie your house up with a buyer who can’t close!

How to get to

closing and get your CHECK fast and error free!

… and a

whole lot more!

Special

Report: HOW I DID IT

Special

Report: How to get FREE Property Listings Pages!

BONUS:

Sample Forms PAK

BONUS:

25 minute “Live” Uninterrupted Radio Interview

All these tools for

less than the

price of a small classified ad in

next Sunday’s paper!

Try it Risk-FREE for 30 days!

Day, Unconditional Money-Back Guarantee:

If you are not completely satisfied with the eBook “Selling Your Home

Alone” – well gladly refund your

money. Keep the Sample Forms PAK and the Bonus Reports as our gift to you

just for trying it out!

WHY

can you buy it now for OVER 50% off? – Because I don’t

have to send you anything in the mail! There’s no tape to mail, no manuals

to print, no postage to pay. You access everything online right now!

Since I can make the same amount of money at this price I just pass the

savings on to you and we both win!

Here’s

how to order right now!

INSTANT ACCESS

Purchase

Online with Credit Card by Secure Server

By Clicking the Order Button I certify

that I have Read and

Agree to the Disclaimer

and Terms Of

Service.

Will open a

window on our secure server.=>

By Clicking the Order Button I certify

that I have Read and

Agree to the Disclaimer

and Terms Of

Service.

Will open a

window on our secure server.=>

You

are about to receive your immediate download codes

and you will begin viewing this

breakthrough program and start using it to

get your house SOLD!

your success,

Jim Edwards, Author

“Selling Your Home Alone”

The TEN Dirty Little SecretsTM of Mortgage Financing

P.P.S.

– Not Sure about buying this great resource? At least download a

free copy of the first chapter by clicking here. ====> First

Chapter Free!

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puttputtpity-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Any one remember Donnie from Wild Thornberrys?

Yeah, I met him.

I should mention I’m not particularly fawn of children. By particularly, I mean hella. Like, they creep me out and make me nervous. They smell weird, make noises, are loud, like ????????????? What the hell is that??? It’s probably due to me being the 2nd youngest out of all my siblings, and only by like, a year. And I also grew up super isolated and I guess I never got to interact with other kids to figure out all that shit.

Spoiler: I still have no desire to try and communicate with these gremlins.

I don’t even think you guys understand how bad I am with kids. I’m already awkward okay. Then here comes these mini drunk people babbling incoherently while the mom encourages them.

Bitch, I ain’t taking time out of my day to try and decipher your hob-goblins gargling, scratch record speech. Because frankly, I don’t care. Like, I try okay? Once. I’ll try once then after that I’m out bitches. Nothing good can possibly come from something that sticks its hands down its pants, scratches its ass, picks its nose, then shoves its hand in its mouth.

Now will I slap a kid? Absolutely not. But if I see one fall, I sure as hell ain’t running to help it. Honestly though, like, you tell me your kid is in 5th grade, I will understand nothing.

What age is that??????

Does it know how to talk????

How smart is it???

Can it use the bathroom by itself???

Do you have to walk it on a harness????

Like,....The fuck does that mean?????????

Now, my job means I have to sometimes interact with these ovarian spawns.

Whatever, that’s fine. It’s typically them just saying a number. Some are actually pretty well mannered and all that. Most are shy and don’t say anything. So, in short, tolerable. Hell, some are even kinda fun to talk to.

HOWEVER. As I mentioned above, I met Donnie from the Thornberrys. These 3 kids come through, 2 boys (Big and little brother, and a sister) I guess they were like,,...5???? 6??????? Idk?????? Small????? My guess is like, 4 years for the sister, 5 for the little brother, and like,...6 maybe for the big brother??? The fuck I know.

Now, this day I was working with a guy, we’re gonna call him C. C came in around 4:30 to help me work night shift. (I worked 12-9) We bonded over the fact we are both shit with dealing with these sperm slip ups. As if God above heard us, here come the kids. Now, I knew the girl that was with them, Gonna call her Lo. However, I didn’t say anything to her because I’m an antisocial shit that hates everyone.

But, But, BUT,........the first thing these children do is come banging on the damn door. Fuck you gremlin, we have a window. 3 actually. Damn. But none the less, we open it. Smallest of the shits shove past and starts trying to touch everything.

Excuse me child, but what the frick frack, putt putt, butt fuck do you think you’re doing?

So we finally get him out and the girl is just like, lol he do that sometimes.

Well, maybe my foot sometimes slips right up your ass? Come get this thing. (Is it a good time to mention I’m a salty person?) We get them the damn balls and all that good jazz and they head out. Now, they come back, the little one does. This kid doesn’t know how the fuck to speak apparently. Literally, mumbling and pointing at random shit and I just?????? Why the hell are you like this??? Did your mother not slap you and tell you to speak up? Mine did??

He leaves again after I nudge him out and close the door. (And Lock it cause he just flung the door open and came right on it, rude spawn) So, they get to the last window and they, like many other uterus expulsions, are amazed at the ball drop pipe. (It’s typical for them to want the ball back to do it again when we explain how it works, but we try and ask them not to stick their hand down there since last year, apparently, a kid almost got his hand stuck.) So, unlike most kids who are like, “Where did the ball go????” and us simply explaining there’s a pipe, then letting them drop it again through the hole, then they leave, these little shits start SCREAMING, “WHERE DID IT GO??? HOW DID IT DO IT? HOW? TELL.”

Bitch. Chill the fuck out you sim creation reject. We explain over their screeches and they continued with, “GIVE IT. GIVE BALL, GIVE.” I’ll give you these hands son. So we give it and they drop it again and leave the putt putt area a little after that. So, I go to use the bathroom okay. I come back and C is not amused. Apparently, the youngest had come back to the last window and stuck a hand through, holding a melting ice cream (it was all over his arm) and was like, “Help, my ice cream is falling.” So C is like, “???? Uh, take it back outside??? I can’t help you???” And the kid just keeps trying to hand it to him while dripping ice cream everywhere. C is like, “PLeASe? SToP?” And finally his brother ran up, snatched it, and just chucked it towards the nearest trashcan.

We are not done ladies and gents.

The oldest bro comes back from the bathroom a little while later and he just leans into the last window and stares at us. (The fuck up with kids and staring?) So Me and C are like, ??? What? And this egg goes, “I went to the bathroom.” Okay????? We kinda just look at each other and then just say, “Good job???” THIS LITTLE SHIT JUST GOES, “I ain’t done yet.”

????????????!!!!!! BITCH COME AGAIN? YOU RIGHT OVER THE HOLE THAT LEADS IN HERE. WHAT THE FUCK. YOU BETTER NOT.

So, it just keeps staring at us like we know what he’s talking about, so finally I quietly go, “You’re not done....playing?” He just nods and is like, “Yeah, wanna play golf.” JESUS CHRIST KID, THE HELL. IF IT WASN’T YOU SHITTING, IT WAS ME CAUSE YOU SCARED THE SHIT RIGHT OUT OF ME. Whatever though, I hand him the shit. He looks at the club and is like, “No, just ball.”

NOW Y’ALL. Remember how I went out and bought new golf balls with my own money? I was not excited about the aspect of handing this thing a ball, considering it would probably run off with it. But it’s my job, so fine. Donnie Thornberry has come over now, and he wants one too. Fuck me. Whatever. So I hand them white golf balls. “I want black.”

Child. Fuck you. Take the damn ball. I tell him, “We don’t have black. We have white, 2 green, and a yellow.”

“I want black.”

Boi.

We explain it 2 more times before he settles for yellow.

WELL ALL THEY DO IS IMMEDIATELY DROP IT IN THE HOLE AND START SCREECHING AGAIN.

At some point, mumbling mertle knocks on the door. This little turd was clever. It was a convincing knock, and sounded like one of the clean up crew workers knocking to clock out.

We opened the door.

There it was.

First thing it does and point out the ants on the side of the door frame. Good job. Then he starts mumbling incoherently, in child talk, that neither me or C know how to translate or speak. I ask, “Do...Do you want to play again??” SIMPLE YES OR NO ANSWER, AN OFFERING TO THIS HELL SPAWN TO GET HIM TO LEAVE. I get jack shit of an answer, as it continued to babble and barge on it. It went to the ball drop bucket and pulled it away, throwing the balls everywhere before taking one and trying to shove it back up the pipe.

Where was the girl watching him at? Right outside the damn last window. So, now I decide to bring out my drama acting lessons, to pretend I give a fuck how she is.

“Lo??? Is that you??? How are you?”

“Omg hi!! I’m doing fine! I took them out to play a little today, you work here now?”

No, obviously I’m a masochist who enjoys hurting myself through dealing with your burrowed responsibilities. Yes I work here.

“Yeah! It’s a summer job til I get back to college. Speaking of the kids, you wanna get this one?”

“What’s he doing?”

Bitch, just come get him, what the fuck. It’s in my shack.

“Uh, well, he’s sticking his hand up the pipe and he might get his hand stuck, we had someone do it last year.”

“Oh! Just smack him.”

MOTHER FUCKER i CAN’T JUST HIT YOUR KID???? AS MUCH AS I DON’T LIKE KIDS, I AIN’T GONNA HIT IT?

I tell her, “Uh, I can’t, I don’t wanna lose my job.”

“Oh, kay, I got him, just gotta smack him and tell him to leave.” Sure enough she leans over and bops him on the head while telling him to get out. Out he goes. Lock door again.

AND THANK GOD THEY LEFT SHORTLY AFTER.

Quoting C here, “Most people would assume if you worked here, you’d get nervous around the druggies, the pedo’s, snakes, whatever. No. It’s the kids.”

PEOPLE PLEASE CONTAIN YOUR CHILDREN? THE FUCK?

#PuttPuttPity #Putt Putt #kids #summer job

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