#It's 9:30 at night nothing got done but trying to deal with bucket boy

[revivify-inn]

me: "I'm gonna do things! Clean the house! Clean my office and studio space!"

The Possum in my brother's truck:

[skzsauce01]

Cutie Pie

Synopsis: Who’s your secret admirer? Guess you’ll have to unmask him at your academy’s end-of-term ball.

Warning: none

Word Count: 5.1k

Pairing: fem!reader x Bang Chan, best friends Sana and Nayeon

Saturday was the most anticipated day of the week. The academy only allowed mail to be collected on Saturdays, so Jihyo, the unofficial resident adviser, would head down to the mailroom early in the morning and collect all the packages and letters for everyone in the hall. She didn’t need to do such a thing when everyone had access to the mailroom, but it was a passed down ritual from the opening of the girls’ dorm. There would always be a few girls in the common room, waiting for their deliveries of skin products and 3 AM impulse buys. You would know; you were a sucker for a sale, no matter how much money your parents made.

However, this particular Saturday, every single girl was awake at seven o’clock and impatiently waiting for Jihyo to appear. Even you, who had pulled an all-nighter on Thursday to cram study, had let your excited roommate and friend Sana drag you into the common room with no complaints. Despite how exhausted you felt, you wanted to know what the theme of the end-of-term ball was as well.

You yawned and huddled closer to Sana on the plush velvet couch. You wished she would have let you grab your thick comforter before you left. The usually lit fireplace — though more for decoration than actual function — held nothing but ashes, and the big, drafty room was colder than usual. You shivered and mumbled a few choice words to your roommate, who was in too good of a mood to retort back. Luckily, Nayeon, who was on Sana’s other side, threw a section of her own comforter to you, and you gratefully snuggled under it.

“Thank you,” you said, nose already buried by fluffy white fur.

Sana poked your arm. “What do you think the theme is this year?”

You shrugged. You were always bad at guessing. “Winter Wonderland?”

“That’s what we did two years ago!” she shook her head. “Hey, Nayeon. What about you?”

However, before Nayeon could reply, Jihyo entered the room with an armful of boxes. “Mail!” she cheerfully announced.

Normally, girls would descend upon her like a murder of crows to pick up their packages, but everyone stayed still and stared at the rolled up poster at the top of the mail pile. They all watched as she slowly set down the boxes in the middle of the room and eagerly waited for her to say the theme. But Jihyo only grinned and teasingly asked why no one wanted their orders.

“Jihyo! Tell us already!” Momo whined. She raised the pillow she was previously hugging, threatening to throw it at the older girl.

“Okay, okay,” Jihyo smiled. Agonizingly slow, she unrolled the theme announcement poster. “This year’s end-of-term ball is… Midnight Masquerade!”

A wave of gasps and whispers rippled across the room. This was something no one was expecting; more often than not, themes were recycled from the ones twenty years ago. Thrilled by the prospects of daring new outfits and dancing with a boy, the murmurs evolved into full length conversations. You slunk low into your seat while half listening to Sana and Nayeon decide what color to wear. A masquerade, huh? Not only were there now dresses and shoes to discuss, but also masks. Since everyone would be less noticeable wearing them, then maybe…

“Maybe your secret admirer will ask you to the ball!” Sana suddenly said out loud.

“Shh!” you hissed. You quickly scanned the room to make sure no one heard. Fortunately, everyone was engrossed in their own worlds.

Your roommate rolled her eyes. “Who doesn’t know about him at this point? He bought all your leftover apple pies during the Fall Festival.”

“Who could forget?” you said, remembering how fifty apple pies were bought in a single purchase.

You paced the tiny area inside the booth. It was the last day of Fall Fest, and there were still boxes of unbought apple pies. If you didn’t sell them all in an hour, the club would lose money. Not that it really mattered, you thought to yourself, as JYP was a private academy that received exorbitant amounts in donations and tuitions anyway. Surely the student council would allocate some funds for the Astronomy Club. However, the club’s reputation would be hurt, and selling apple pies had been your idea. Being president sucked sometimes.

Seungmin, another board member of the club, soon returned from his break, and you guiltily dumped the task on him. You promised to come back ten minutes before Fall Fest ended, and he merely waved you off. You spent the rest of the time doing your best to steal customers from other food booths, but no one seemed to want gourmet apple pie when there was a lobster food truck around.

When your time was up, you headed back to the booth with a frown and a posture that would have been deemed unacceptable by your mother. To your confusion and delight, there were no more pies left. Seungmin explained that someone purchased all of them on behalf of his employer. He also offhandedly mentioned that the man muttered, “What is that boy going to do with all this?” while handing him the money.

You prodded Seungmin for more answers, but that was all he knew.

“And he sent you that cute card after, too!” Nayeon chimed in.

You received the card the next Saturday after the festival. When you went to check if you got any mail, there was a horde of girls surrounding the coffee table. Momo had an envelope in her hand, and you assumed it was another letter for her from her long distance boyfriend, but to your surprise, Momo herself presented it to you with a flourish. The fancy white envelope had your name inked across the center in rose gold.

“Who is it from?” Dahyun asked, standing on her tiptoes behind you, trying to read over your shoulder.

You carefully opened it and immediately felt heat rushing to your face when you read the simple message on the creamy paper: “I think you’re a cutie pie” followed by a line drawing of an apple pie.

Dahyun had read it out loud, and news that you had a secret admirer spread throughout the academy like a wildfire. Even after a month, no one could even mention pie without a teasing glance in your direction.

“What if he reveals himself to you at the ball?” Jeongyeon stage-whispered. Evidently, no one wanted to talk about dresses anymore when a mysterious boy was involved. “Wouldn’t that be romantic?”

Too flustered by being the center of attention, you didn’t respond. You had to admit, Jeongyeon was right. Six-year-old you would have swooned at the current situation, and bold thirteen-year-old you would have pestered anyone and everyone for more information. Fall Fest you simply kept the note hidden in your desk drawer and secretly reread it. Sana caught you once, and it was embarrassing to say the least.

“Y/N, are you busy then?”

Sana’s words snapped you out of your haze. You looked at her. “Hm?”

“Shopping next Sunday!” she brightly answered. “Nayeon said she’ll drive us!”

So, it was set. You and Sana would meet Nayeon in the common room at 9:30 to check out the new boutique downtown. However, you already had an idea of what you wanted to wear and were starting to draw the design in your head. You made a mental note to call up your favorite fashion house to place an order. You would go shopping for shoes, but the dress and its matching mask was a done deal.

Sana and Nayeon had similar ideas, and the three of you made a promise to each other and yourselves to only focus on accessories though you were sure that pact would be broken the moment you all stepped foot into downtown.

The rest of the week flew by quickly. Amidst doing homework and studying, you chatted with the other students about the masquerade, which was only a month away. Some of the boys started asking girls to the ball with elaborate bouquets, self-composed songs, and in one case, a choreographed dance number. Sana and Nayeon crossed names off their “Who Could Y/N’s Secret Admirer Be?” list with each asking. By Friday night, their list was tacked onto the bulletin board in the common room so other girls could contribute. You stationed yourself on a nearby couch, pretending to be busy typing an essay on your laptop. You were too curious to actually write anything, so instead you watched like a hawk whenever someone even came close to the bulletin board.

“... and Ok Taecyeon,” Dahyun read aloud. “So, it’s not them. How about…” She closed her eyes and jabbed her finger to a random spot. “The wall?”

“Definitely not the wall,” you giggled.

“He’s kind of cute though. Dark blue paint, random fliers.”

You laughed at her as she began cooing at the wall, telling how dashing it looked in dark blue. Dahyun was always trying to make you feel better about the situation. She was the last person to come by for the night, and you begrudgingly headed back to your dorm to go to bed an hour after Dahyun left.

Saturday afternoon you went to check your mail after waking up. The winter coat you ordered arrived on Wednesday, and you desperately needed it now that temperatures were starting to drop. To your surprise, the common room was nearly full, and the commotion turned into silence as you came into view.

“Hey,” you cautiously said. “Did something happen?”

“You got a letter,” was the simple answer.

Like people passing each other buckets of water to put out a fire, the girls passed down the letter to you. You didn’t miss the sly looks that were exchanged. Once the thick envelope was in your hand, a sense of deja vu washed over you. When you glanced down, your name was written in rose gold, in the same loopy calligraphy from the Fall Festival. Your heart fluttered, and you knew why, but the lump of anxiety in your stomach you didn’t understand. Maybe it was because you wanted privacy for such a momentous moment. Maybe it was because you had fifteen pairs of eyes on you.

“What does it say?” Jeongyeon asked, graciously not saying what everyone wanted to know — “Who is it from?”

You might as well get it over with, you reasoned, since everyone would badger you with questions anyway. You lifted the flap, breaking the red wax. You noted that the family coat of arms featured two floppy-eared dogs and branches with rounded leaves. The last letter didn’t have a seal, you remembered. The same cream-colored stationery as before greeted your eyes, and you opened the card with gentle fingers, taking care not to crease it.

Meeting you would be grand. I’ll be waiting with a red rose in hand.

A pressed rose petal decorated the bottom half of the note, and you absentmindedly touched it while trying to slow your racing heart. Your eyes were glued to the message, rereading it over and over again. This was it, your chance to finally meet him. A hint of a smile started to show on your face, and Mina, observant as always, pointed it out.

“Is it something good?” she said, already knowing the answer.

You nodded, hiding your visibly flustered face with the envelope. Cheers erupted throughout the room, Sana being the loudest one of them.

“So, who is it?” Nayeon asked. “Is it BamBam? He’s been acting suspicious lately.”

“Jeongin? He always asks you for help,” Chaeyoung suggested.

You reread the card, searching for a signature, an inside joke, something to indicate the sender. Unfortunately, all you had was the seal, but you recognized none of the elements that would help you narrow down your search.

You showed everyone the broken wax. “Anyone know whose family seal this is?” You handed the envelope to the closest girl, who glanced at it and passed it to the next person.

When it reached Sana, she brought it centimeters away from her eyes, scrutinizing every little detail she could pick out. “It looks familiar, but I don’t know,” she finally said out loud. “I’ll ask around. Okay if I take a picture, Y/N?”

“Please.” You wanted to know who this mystery boy was more than anyone.

The envelope came back to you, and you carefully tucked the card inside. The crowd started to thin out as girls started to head back to their rooms or out of the dorms. So did you.

Once inside your room, the package that held your much needed winter coat was left discarded at the foot of your bed. With shaky hands, you reopened both the cards you had received from your secret admirer. You traced the words with a trembling finger, feeling the imprints made by the fountain pen, marvelling at how elegant his handwriting was. It was written by someone with a firm hand and a delicate touch, you imagined. Someone who was deliberate and kind and…

You shook your head. There was no sense in projecting your hopes of him on him, especially since you didn’t even know who he was.

Yet with only a slight feeling of embarrassment and some guilt, you lifted the stationery to your nose in a poor attempt to sniff out his cologne. All you smelled was expensive paper, and your whole body heated up when you realized how shameless you were a mere two seconds ago. Thank goodness Sana was busy and had no chance of bursting in.

You hid both letters inside your desk and opened your package, pretending that the past five minutes didn’t happen. The whole day was like that, pretending that you were cool, calm, collected when you really had the energy equivalent of five cups of black coffee coursing through your veins.

Sana came back with no new answers. At night, you drifted in and out of sleep, wondering who he was and how he would reveal himself to you.

As decided, you and Sana met up with Nayeon in the common room at 9:30 the following day. You yawned, regretting not taking any melatonin before you went to bed; you were tired from hours of unrestful sleep. Luckily, Nayeon, the driver, was in a much better state than you.

“I asked BamBam yesterday,” she said as she pulled out of the parking lot, “and he says it’s not him. I asked about his seal, and his is completely different.”

“He could be lying. What if he used someone else’s seal to trick Y/N?” Sana gasped.

“But why would he even do that? There wasn’t any seal on the first letter I got,” you replied. “It’s probably just a hint.”

“Ah! So he wants you to know who he is but is too shy to say it outright!” Sana declared. “But someone has to know. Is it too much if I post an ad in JYPaper?”

“Yes.” The school newspaper had many readers, and you didn’t want to be known as The Girl with the Secret Admirer again. “I don’t think they even allow things like that. We have at least three weeks to figure out who he is anyway.”

“Killjoy,” Sana pouted.

Soon, the three of you arrived in front of the boutique. As expected, the promise to buy only accessories for the masquerade was broken when Nayeon spotted an emerald green dress with lace details.

“Maybe I’ll wear this instead,” she wondered out loud. Before any of you could stop her, she grabbed it off the rack and brought it to the register, not even bothering to check the size.

You and Sana shared looks before heading over to the display of shoes. A cursory glance told you that none of them would match your dress the way you wanted. Despite that, you tried on a silver heel bedazzled with possibly real diamonds as Sana selected a black velvet pump. Nayeon returned with a brand new bag with the boutique’s name emblazoned on the front.

It was a similar experience at the other stores the three of you later visited. At least one of you would buy an unneeded item, while the main purpose of buying shoes for the masquerade was forgotten. The topic of your secret admirer, however, was not as lucky. At the end of the day, you had learned far too much about the Hwang family’s supposed seal, and Nayeon’s trunk was filled with shopping bags of various sizes and multicolored tissue paper. No progress was made.

“Y/N,” Sana started, her voice in an uncharacteristic lilt that typically meant she was going to ask for a favor, “can you take my bags too? Chan says he’s free now, and I want to ask him about the seal.”

“Can’t you just do it over text? I bet Chan wouldn’t mind,” you said. You threaded the handles of as many bags as you could through your arms. “You bought so many things.”

“If I do it in person, I’ll know if he’s lying or not.”

“He’s on the student council,” Nayeon pointed out. “We voted for him because he’s honest and trustworthy.”

“Please? He’s my friend, and I haven’t talked to him in ages,” she tried. For some strange reason, you couldn’t help but feel that it was a flimsy excuse for her not to take her fifteen bags back to the dorms.

“I’m your friend too,” you huffed. Despite your show of annoyance, you grabbed one of her bags as well. The last time she and Chan spoke face-to-face was two weeks ago, which was ‘ages’ since they usually had dinner together at least twice a week. “Fine. But he better know something useful.”

Sana lit up and eagerly waved goodbye. You called after her, “You’re treating me to dinner tomorrow!”

Nayeon added, “Me too!” as she picked up a black bag with gold ribbons for handles.

After three trips back and forth, Nayeon’s car was finally empty. Sana still had not returned, so the two of you went to the dining hall for a late night snack. Nayeon checked the “Who Could Y/N’s Secret Admirer Be?” list and read off the names still not crossed off.

(Apparently, Jeongyeon had created a spreadsheet and shared it with all the girls, so the list could be updated in real time. You were both surprised and not surprised at this news.)

“What about Felix?” she suggested. She flashed her phone screen at you, and Lee Felix had no strikethrough. “He’s a new transfer, so maybe that’s why no one recognizes the seal. Or maybe he doesn’t have a seal.”

You shrugged, more focused on the cheese platter on a nearby table. “Maybe,” you said, loading your plate with delicious morsels.

Nayeon mumbled something about your disinterest when food was in front of you, but she did the same. Chaeyoung, seated in a booth near a window with her own plate of cheese and crackers, waved you over.

“Rumor has it that your secret admirer is Lee Felix,” she said, forgoing a greeting.

Right beside you, Nayeon hissed, “See! I was right!”

“Someone saw him with some red roses last week, and your card did have a rose petal on it,” she continued. She nibbled on a small block of cheese as she looked for your reaction.

You chewed on your bottom lip. Was it really him? Was Lee Felix your secret admirer? You only knew him by a string of associations — Chan’s friend. Sana’s friend’s friend. He was pretty cute, you admitted.

“Maybe,” you replied, already thinking about his sharp jawline and the dusting of freckles across cheeks. “But only three more weeks until I find out.”

Sana had been acting strangely recently. She had started asking lots of specific questions about things you liked in guys. While you would have normally brushed this aside as Sana being Sana, she would follow up with questions like, “What do you think of this quality in a boyfriend?” Your answers were noncommittal, but she always smiled far too innocently and typed it on her phone. When your star-embroidered dress and its matching mask for the ball had arrived, a hint of a grin had appeared on her face. Then she had squealed, “He’ll love it!” and immediately clasped a hand over her mouth, like she had just told a huge secret. During the latest shopping trip with her and Nayeon — where you finally found a pair of heels you liked — Sana had smirked when the three of you unexpectedly ran into Chan and Felix, also shopping for the ball.

“Is it Lee Felix?” you asked moments after the boys were out of earshot.

She pretended not to hear you. “Hey, Nayeon, what do you think of that dress over there?”

You frowned, debating whether this meant it was Felix was not Felix. But it was clear that she knew something.

Weeks passed, and there was no new information about who your admirer could be. Much to your disappointment, Sana kept her lips sealed and tactfully changed topics whenever the masquerade was brought up.

Now that everyone was getting ready for the masquerade, she was dancing about you, deciding where to best place the decorative pins in your hair. You were fine with the situation earlier since you were waiting for Momo to finish Dahyun’s makeup, but Dahyun had been long gone.

“Here! No, here!” Sana selected a new location, deemed it not perfect, and took out the pin.

Momo, who had been patiently waiting to start on your makeup for a solid five minutes, gave you a sympathetic smile. “Sana, are you close to done yet?” she asked. “We’re going to be even later than we are now.”

“But she has to look perfect! She’s about to meet her secret admirer!”

The few girls present in the common room — where Momo had set up for the night — murmured in agreement.

Sighing, you snatched the handful of pins away from her and stuck them artfully into your curls. Or as artfully as you could in five seconds. It didn’t matter; they were shaped like stars, so they would look nice anyway. “There. Hair, check.”

After makeup was complete, Nayeon carefully tied your masquerade mask back, and Tzuyu held up a mirror for you. With Momo’s handiwork and half of your face covered, you barely recognized yourself. Your heart raced at the discovery; would he recognize you then? The letters he sent rested on your lap, and you absentmindedly touched the broken wax seal.

“All ready to go!” Sana cheerfully said. She pulled you up from your chair and linked arms with you. “Let’s find out who he is.”

Would it be Lee Felix, the top candidate among the girls, or someone who had gone by unnoticed? You gripped your skirts tighter in anticipation, and Sana slapped your wrist away in fear that you would wrinkle the fabric.

Downstairs, the ballroom was packed. Nayeon opened the double doors with bravado, and dozens of eyes looked in your direction. You thought everyone with their masks on looked like great horned owls staring you down, and you self-consciously adjusted yours, to Nayeon’s chagrin.

“What do I do?” you whispered to yourself. All the onlookers had returned to their own business, and you followed your friends through the crowd. “How do I even find him in all this?”

Nayeon had great hearing. “Red rose, remember?” she said. The baroque music nearly drowned out her answer. “He’s waiting with a red rose.”

“We’ll meet you by the punch table!” Sana shouted, already disappearing into the throngs of people. She grabbed Nayeon by the elbow, and you were left alone.

Stricken by the fact that you had no idea what to do and that your friends had basically ditched you, you stood in place. The letters were hidden in the folds of your skirt, and you repeatedly tapped on the sharp corner of the envelope to calm your anxiousness. You had imagined a Cinderella-like reveal, where the crowd would part and your prince would be waiting on the other end of the ballroom. Then he would reveal himself, and the two of you would dance the night away. Though in hindsight, the current situation was much more likely to happen.

You scanned the room, looking for any sign of red. Ties, dresses, masks, but not a single flower. Why was red such a popular color for masquerades?

“Y/N?” you heard to your left.

Eyes wide, you turned in that direction, only to see a boy with a rose in hand talking to a girl with a midnight blue feathered mask. Dahyun, you realized. Dahyun laughed and shook her head before pointing in your direction. Her and her eagle eyes, you gratefully thought.

The next part felt like a dream. Like a princess from a story, you picked up your skirts and walked up to him. It was him who was frozen in place now as you neared him. The background blurred as you focused solely on him, surreptitiously studying the exposed part of his face. His black mask blocked you from seeing his eyes, but the embarrassed smile was familiar.

“Hi,” he breathed, holding out the rose to you.

Heart beating, you took it and replied, “Hi.” After a beat, you blurted out, “Who are you?”

The smile turned into a grin, and you felt your cheeks growing hotter as you realized that his grin was just for you. Oh, he was cute. Or the lower half of his face was at least. “Don’t recognize me?”

“Should I?” You checked the broken seal on the second letter. Was there a secret message on there that you missed or something? It was still the floppy-eared dogs and what you learned from Jihyo’s research was eucalyptus branches.

“Wow, Sana actually didn’t tell you?” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I thought she would have.”

“Sana? What does she have to do with this?”

“She’s a mutual friend of ours. She’s one of my closest friends too. We’ve known each other for years.”

Then, it all dawned upon you. Sana, who thought the seal looked familiar, who wanted to speak to an old friend in person, who looked like she had been hiding a secret from you during the past three weeks. Sana, who had fussed over your appearance, who left you in the center of the ballroom for no real reason.

“Chan?” you whispered.

“Yeah. Are you disappointed?”

“No! I’m just surprised! I didn’t think that— Everyone thought it would be Felix, so I… kind of believed it…”

“If you want to dance with Felix, then I can get him for you,” he quietly offered, his face falling.

You caught his sleeve before he could turn away, and you didn’t miss his shocked expression when you quickly said, “No! I want to dance with you. Really.”

“Are you sure? You don’t have to—”

“Yes, I’m sure. Please stay.”

You loosened your own mask and let it hang around your neck. Suddenly you felt shy now that all of your face was showing. You vaguely knew Chan from years of being friends with Sana, but this was a completely new experience and feeling.

“You look really beautiful,” he softly said. “I like the stars on your dress and in your hair.”

“You look handsome too,” you shyly replied. Sensing a possible awkward lull in the conversation, you asked, “So… why did you think Dahyun was me?”

He groaned and looked away. The tips of his ears matched the flower you were holding. “Sana told me your dress was dark blue, and Dahyun’s was blue as well.”

You smiled, remembering Dahyun loudly announcing that the common room wall was her date and that she would be matching with it for the ball.

“Did she tell you that I would be waiting here, too? She and Nayeon ditched me here.”

“Yeah,” he admitted. With a sudden burst of confidence, he stepped forward, his hands hovering around your waist. “She told me a lot of things, but especially about you.”

“Like what?” You hesitantly wrapped your arms around his neck, and he jumped but pulled you closer nonetheless. The two of you began to sway to the music. “That I wake up in the afternoon on the weekends and she hates it because she has to tiptoe around?”

He laughed, and the lines around his eyes crinkled. “Yes, but other things as well. That you like stars and that you stayed up late to help her study for an exam even though you pulled an all nighter the night before.”

“Oh?” You remembered it, but you didn’t think she told anyone.

“Yeah. She made you sound unreal. I checked out the Astronomy Club booth in Fall Fest to meet you myself, but I got shy. You looked really pretty that day,” he added, making you blush. “And then I heard you and Seungmin talking about how many pies you guys had left, so I decided to help out.”

“By buying all of them.”

“Yeah. Kind of a stupid idea, now that I think about.”

“You definitely got my attention.” You rested your head on his shoulders and felt him sharply inhale. He relaxed soon after, and you continued with, “I couldn’t stop thinking about your card for weeks.”

“And I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” he quietly replied, earning yet another blush from you.

He leaned closer, and you felt a breath get hitched in your throat until he whispered, “Not to alarm you or anything, but everyone’s watching us.”

A quick peek was all you needed to confirm his words. Dahyun was still lingering around, and Sana miraculously showed up, looking like the cat who swallowed the canary. Seungmin looked like he was giving Chan overly enthusiastic thumbs-ups.

“Do you wanna still wanna dance?” he mumbled. The music was loud enough that no one would be able to hear, but it was something intimate in a scene where the two of you were being gawked.

“Come with me,” you said.

“To wh— Oh!”

You slithered out of his hold and led him by the wrist through the crowd of onlookers to a more secluded spot near one of the giant windows in the hallway. Groups of people parted for you like the fairy tale scene you had imagined earlier. With your skirts flowing back and a handsome boy behind you, it certainly felt like a fairy tale. Once the two of you were alone, you leaned against the wall and looked up at him.

“So, who exactly is the guy beneath the mask?” you ask, pointing at him with the rose. “I wanna know more about him since he already knows so much about me.”

He pushed his mask up to his neatly combed hair and smiled at you, full dimples on display, galaxies in his eyes. “Just someone who thinks you’re a cutie pie.”

~ ad.gray

[stunudo]

BAU Prep School AU: Class of 18

Welcome to the Frederick Buchanan Institute located in scenic Quantico, Virginia, a senior high academy that shapes the best and brightest minds. Its motto is “Behavior, Analysis, Unity,” the mascot the Submariners, colloquially “the Unsubs”. The small school supports the most accomplished faculty from across the country. (image link)  2016-2017 school year  Class of 18

A/N: This title is a little misleading, but some scenes apply and will apply later. xoxo Stu

PUBLIC LIES

November 17, 2017 5:40pm

“Meg! Maya is here!” Chris called from the kitchen, he was answered by the thundering of footsteps down the stairs.

“Mai-ma!” Kit threw his hands up, hoping to greet their guest at the door.

“Not yet, buddy, you’ve got another bite or two before you can be released.”

“Mai-ma has dinner. Me want Mai-ma.” Meg led Maya into the kitchen, a bag of fast food in her arms.

“Hey Kitt-o. I have some fries here, but you gotta eat your green beans first. Deal?” Maya’s bright smile had the toddler’s attention.

“Nom-nom, Daddy!” Kit shoved a handful of beans and scraps of chicken into his mouth without so much of a glance at his fork.

“Well, there’s one way to get it down. Hi Maya, how’s it going?” Mr. Callahan stood up and brushed the crumbs from his pants.

“Great, Mr. C. How’s it going with you?”

“Same old, same old. You guys gonna be alright with three babies tonight?”

“Chris, come on. We’re going to be fine.” Meg rolled her eyes, sneaking one of Maya’s fries.

“Big boy! No baby.” Kit argued.

“Okay, are you guys going to be alright with this big guy and two babies? Better?” Kit grinned up at his dad with a mouth full of food, sending Meg and Maya into fits of repulsed laughter.

6:12pm

“Okay, what happens if there is a fire?” JJ looked down her nose at Meg and Maya sitting on the couch, piercing the babysitters’ very souls.

“I will get the kids outside while Maya calls 9-1-1.” Meg answered.

“How are you going to carry three children?” JJ countered. Meg rolled her eyes and stood up, she grabbed Jack by his overall straps, hugging Kit around his waist and picked up Henry’s carrier in her free hand.

“Like that, Ms. Jareau, seriously, we got this.” Maya tried not to laugh out right.

“Jayge? It’s going to be okay, they have our numbers if anything comes up.” Emily  tried to soothe JJ’s worried face.

“Meg and Maya have both watched Jack, Jennifer. They are very responsible.” Haley reassured the new mother as she slipped her coat back on.

“It’s nothing personal, I swear, its just the first time we’ve been out.” JJ explained.

“It’s going to be fine. We’ll have fun, you’ll have fun. Go, get some adult time.” Meg tried to escort the six adults out of the house.

“Yeah, we should get going if we want to make the reservation.” Hotch glanced at his watch. JJ kissed Henry one last time as he lay sleeping in his car seat bucket. Emily gave the sitters one last wilted smile as she led her girlfriend back outside. Kate and Chris were the last ones to slide into their car behind Hotch’s large SUV.

“Was I ever that clingy?” Kate asked amused.

“Worse.” Chris answered, glancing in his mirrors. That earned him a swat to his meaty upper arm.

Nov. 22 6:26am

Derek always seemed to keep the heat at the coldest possible setting overnight, which sent Penelope cringing as she made an early morning bathroom stop. She snuggled back into her silk robe as she shuffled toward his kitchen to start the coffee pot. He had yesterday’s mail out on the counter and she may have started sifting through it as she waited for the gentle hiss of heating water and gurgle of brewing coffee. Ads from a gym and a car detailer were ignored, her man was perfect, thank you very much.

There was an open letter from some pretentious sounding company and she really couldn’t keep her fingers from releasing it from the confines of its envelope.

Final Notice:

Mr. Derek Morgan,

This is the last time we will be contacting you. Your lease is concluded as of November 30, 2017 and the property has since been sold. Please ensure you have made appropriate arrangements to have your property removed from the building by no later than Friday December 1, 2017.

Regards,

Matthew Hausenweir, landlord

Solutions Quartered, Inc.

“Baby Girl?” Derek called as he pulled on a pair of sweatpants from the bottom drawer of his dresser. Penelope squeaked as she shoved the letter back into its trifolded form, earning herself a papercut in the process of trying to hide her snooping. Derek found her sheepishly sucking on her ring finger. “What’d you do now?” He slipped his arms around her waist, pulling her in to inspect her wound.

“Nothing, I’m fine. Did I wake you?” Penelope nuzzled against Derek’s neck.

“Penelope? I know you don’t think I left my mail covered in blood.”

“Blood? Weird, I must have brushed it and gotten a papercut.”

“Brushed a letter that was stacked on the other side of the counter? Girl I know you.” Derek grinned, leaving teasing kisses on either side of her neck. She stomped her feet and huffed.

“Fine! I was reading your mail. Whatever. You! You should be packing. You need to be out by next week.”

“Is that so?” Derek gave her a blasé glance. “And what if I have nowhere to move to?”

“Uh, my place, duh. Derek Morgan, I don’t know how you teach kids when you don’t see the obvious in front of your face. We can finally stop having overnight bags and just live together!”

“Are you sure? I was going to ask you with flowers and things.”

“Oh, still do that. All the flowers and things. But my answer will be yes, because then I can finally not freeze to death at night.”

Derek barked a laugh, “Well, I hope there’s more to moving in together than just control of the thermostat.”

“It’s one of the many perks.” Penelope grinned up at him, pointing to her cheek so he would kiss her again.  She stood on her tip toes in his kitchen and reveled in the fact that every morning would be like this. Waking up with her love and making coffee.

What more could a girl ask for?

Nov. 27 7:02am

Luke had started worrying about another slight against F.B.I since their defeat of New Canaan in the football play offs. The week-long break over Thanksgiving would have been a perfect opportunity for another form of vandalism or theft. He pulled into his usual spot in the staff parking lot and began surveying the grounds for any signs of misdoings. His breath puffed in front of him as his dress shoes crunched against the frost lined sidewalk.

Matt Simmons was sitting in his car a few spots down, listening to NPR and finishing his first cup of coffee for the day. Luke looked like he was looking for something which caused Matt to hurry up his morning routine.

“Everything okay?” Matt called out as he grabbed his briefcase and messenger bag from the back seat of his two-door coupe.

“Yeah, so far.” Luke answered, nodding with his jaw set in concern.

“Thinking something went down over break?” Matt added his eyes to the patrol, his long legs quickly caught up to the soccer coach.

“Call it a hunch,” Luke sighed, shoving his hands in the pockets of his khakis. “You ever wonder why this rivalry started?”

Matt tilted his head noticing a distinct shift in Luke’s posture and phrasing. “I figured it was one of those long running old boys club things, a ‘your dad beat my dad at polo and now you’re in for it’ type of thing.”

Luke grinned at the example, damn it was easy talking to Simmons. “Maybe, at some point, but the egging, the theft of the Submarine, that’s only been going on this year.”

“No shit. Why now?” Matt asked, knowing Luke was building up to something.

Luke didn’t say anything, he just stopped in front of the main doors. He worried his jaw before he finally came clean. “Because I took the job here.”

“What? You used to work there?” Matt didn’t remember hearing anything about Luke’s previous schools, in particular. He had a memory for details and now wondered if he missed something about his fellow new teacher.

“Phil Brooks, the football coach? He’s my, uh, ex,” Luke cleared his throat, holding the door for Matt to get out of the cold.

“This is all the case of a jilted lover?!” Matt’s mouth puckered ruefully for Luke. “Tough break man. You dump him for the job?”

“Well, no, not exactly, but I think that’s what he took away from me moving.” Luke explained, heading towards the kitchen and Rossi’s famous espresso. “Look, I’m not exactly out here, but with everything that the school has had to face, because of me—”

“Look, you did not ask for any of this. I won’t say anything, this was strictly off the record.”

“Hey, thanks, I’m just trying to figure out how to hash it all out with Hotch.”

“Good luck, but hopefully they’ll come to their senses and stop playing dirty.” Matt suggested, he adjusted his bag on his shoulder before heading toward the stairwell. “See you later, Luke.”

Luke nodded, his thoughts swarming inside his head as he went to grab a latte from the Chef.

Nov. 30 9:38am

Jordan made her way to the office to check her mailbox during her prep period. She had done well this year and kept her opinions to herself, after the mess last year she had been holding her breath constantly. Ashley was leaning over her desk purposely making small talk with Grant as he vacuumed. Jordan shook her head, that woman knew full well he didn’t want to talk and couldn’t hear her anyway.

“Morning Ashley,” Jordan gave her a look before walking to the wall of trays.

“Jordan, hi! Hey, did you know that Luke Alvez helped Grant, here, clean up after the egging fiasco?” The blonde smirked as the poor custodian blushed with the women gossiping.

“Well its good to see there still some good old fashioned hard work and kindness out there.” Jordan admitted.

“And he’s so handsome too. Can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t want to snatch him up.”

“Oh no, Ashley, no. Leave the poor boy be.” Jordan warned, thinking she meant for herself.

“What? Please.” Ashley sat back, settling into her well-worn seat. “I’m not quite his type, I’ll have you know.” She made eyes at Grant who was trying desperately to finish his tasks and escape this uncomfortable scenario for good. He had his head down, but the vacuum was off, so he certainly could hear their continuing conversation. Jordan was now on the same page.

“He has got a lot of free time now that soccer season is over with.” Jordan admitted after an awkward pause. “And that’s all I am going to say. If a certain single guy wanted to ask him out, he would probably have a nice time.”

Ashley and Jordan watched Grant wheel the vacuum out of the office and let the beveled glass door slowly close behind him.

“Do you think he is going to do it?” Ashley gushed while twirling a pen into her cheek.

“He’s going to be adamant about not doing it for a good few weeks. That’s why we need to hope Mr. Alvez does it for him.” Jordan smirked.

Dec. 5 12:43pm

Michel didn’t want to walk to the other side of the school to use the staff bathroom, like they had been doing for the past three and a half years. The lunch hour had just begun, so they figured if they ducked into the guys’ bathroom they wouldn’t be intruding on anyone. Michel hadn’t counted on someone who wasn’t paying attention to the class schedule at all. He was in the back of the room, sat on the floor opposite the stalls, vaping.

“Whoa, sorry, uh, do you mind if I—?” Michel asked.

“Piss? Be my guest.” Jake shrugged, he was dazed and staring at the ancient ceiling tiles. Michel made their way to a stall and took care of business, trying not to over think the situation. Washing their hands, they finally caught a whiff from whatever Jake was smoking, it definitely wasn’t jasmine.

“I can’t believe you right now.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t expecting you here either.” Jake muttered, standing and tucking his pipe back in his pants’ pocket.

“Don’t you have Mr. Alvez this hour?” Michel spun, challenging Jake, despite the height difference and all that had passed between them.

“Yeah, I do. Sorry, Mom but I skipped Spanish today. Don’t think she would really care, since I have been speaking it longer than English.” Jake dusted his pants off as Michel gaped at him.

“Why are you being like this?” Michel’s voice was so soft it wasn’t meant to be heard. Jake’s inhale and flaming eyes caught Michel in the mirror before they could turn away.

“Just making everything easier.” Jake spat.

“For who?”

“I don’t know, everyone? You don’t want me like I want you, Michel. Might as well keep the lines clear from here on out.” He was hurt, it was oozing through his tough guy exterior. Michel turned and finally took in the state of the boy in front of them. How much they had affected Jake since breaking off his kiss backstage all those weeks ago.

“You know I hate distinctions like that. Nothing is ever one or the other.” Michel countered, leaning against the wall, refusing to let Jake out of the conversation now.

“Yeah, well, maybe this isn’t about making you comfortable. Maybe this is about trying not to break down while I watch you flirt with Iggy next hour or help Cissy with her Bio homework.”

Michel eyes pinched, finally taking in how much Jake saw them in every situation. The actor in them craved the spotlight, but the focused attention of someone was jarring. Especially when it wasn’t unwanted. They shook their head trying to find the words for what they wanted to say.

“I don’t want you in pain, Jake, you have to know that.”

“Doesn’t exactly feel like it, Michel.” He was still stoned, but he swung his arms to do something besides just stand there.

“Kissing me-- you caught me off guard, I had no idea you liked me. Not like that. Well, especially since I’m not exactly a guy.”

“You’re beautiful Michel, no matter how you dress or if you wear makeup or not. Look I am as gay as I ever was, but I’m not blind. We’ve been friends too long for you to think I want you to be something you’re not.” Jake had somehow started comforting Michel, why was this so confusing? Michel walked closer, glancing at the door as the noise from the cafeteria increased.

“You scared me.” Michel whispered, tucked within an embarrassed laugh. “I have spent so many years declaring my identity that I hadn’t really accepted my sexuality. I guess, with my father, parents, I just hadn’t brought it up. You know? I’m enough of a burden.”

Jake ran his hand through his hair, his heart breaking again, knowing the pain of being yourself and having no way of satisfactorily expressing it. “You’re not a burden, Michel. If you’re not ready to date or not sure if you like guys—why didn’t you just say something?”

“Because, its you. I never wanted to lose you. You’ve been one of the few people who I can just click with, you know?” Michel’s eyes were glistening now, Jake gave them a half smirk.

“Kind of backfired, don’t ya think?” Jake held out his hand and intertwined his knuckles with Michel’s, arms lengths apart, connecting and calming each other. “Is this okay? Are we going to be able to figure this out?”

Michel sniffled, “Are you going to stop smoking in the boys’ room?” They both laughed at the reference, Jake drew Michel to his chest. They stood there holding each other in the middle of the school day in the entry way of the restroom for a heartbeat. Jake kissed his friend’s head, breathing in their scent before letting go.

“You should get some lunch, I’ll call you later.”

“You coming to English?” Michel asked assertively. Jake nodded, a satisfied yet cocky look on his face.

Dec. 7 4:18pm

Spencer Reid was appreciating the end of fall as the bare trees billowed in an afternoon breeze. The skeletal forms were reminders of change and not a depressing sight to the science teacher. He had driven this route for the majority of his time teaching at the Institute and was still glad he had found the scenic drive in the first place. He didn’t need to rush home, but he could if he needed to. It was nearly dark, and he had a long night ahead of him between his usual Thursday night NA meeting and grading labs.

He couldn’t help but smile as he pulled into the driveway, he could see the cat watching him from the window, fuzzing up the back of the couch. He leaned down and grabbed his satchel and his stack of folders from the passenger’s seat. Someone was burning leaves in the distance, the scent locked into his mind as a Virginia phenomenon as he hadn’t experienced as a desert native. Rationally, he knew it was a common practice wherever deciduous trees were abundant. Spencer slammed the car door shut and double checked the lock before strolling to the front door, it was robin’s egg blue with gold accents.

Voices rolled from the living room, laughter and the television melding together.

“Spencer’s home! How was your day, honey?” Diana cackled from her recliner in the living room.

“Good!” Spencer wiggled his nose before kicking off his Chuck Taylor’s on the mat. “How are my girls doing today?” he called back.

“You get your card skills from your mother, don’t you?!” Elle accused from the couch.

“Uh-oh, what happened?” Spencer’s brow pinched as he ducked his head around the half-wall where his mother and his girlfriend were watching a telenovela.

“She cheats, just like you!” Elle pointed at both the Reids before shaking her head.

“Mom?” Spencer raised his eyes at Diana, she bit her lip and shrugged. “Mom!”

“Oh don’t give me that look, Spencer. I had to cheat to beat you as a kid and now it’s the only way I know how to play.”

“What were you playing?” Spencer plopped down next to Elle and put his arm around her on the back of the couch.

“Bridge.”

“Well, I hope the stakes were high enough to warrant such dubiousness.” Spencer’s jaw pitched forward as Elle gave him an unamused look.

“Don’t encourage her.”

“What? I’m not!” He feigned shock. She pinched his side, doubling him over.

“Hey, you two, old lady here. Leave room for the Holy Spirit.” Diana teased, turning up the sound on the television.

“Mom, you can’t use piety as an excuse as an atheist.”

“And why can’t I? I’m your mother, I’ll do as I please.” Diana huffed, hiding a half smirk. “And I am going to go finish dinner, so you kids can be off to your meetings.” She not so subtly left the couple alone for a few welcoming kisses. Spencer hummed into Elle’s mouth.

“Was she really that bad?”

“I don’t even think she knows the rules, Spencer, I swear.” Elle giggled as he tucked her hair behind her ear. “What?”

“Just happy to see you.” Spencer’s brown eyes turned puppy dog and his hand sneaked up her thigh.

“Still not very smooth there, Dr. Reid,” Elle rolled her eyes before straightening his tie. “How much grading do you have tonight?”

Spencer sighed, “Not so much.” Elle knew by the tone of his voice that he was flubbing his answer.

“Go get started, can’t have you up until midnight again,” Elle pointed to his desk in the office across the house.

“Just one more?” Spencer leaned down sheepishly. Elle groaned, letting him kiss her neck before pushing him on to the floor.

“Homework, go!”

Next Chapter: Private Lives

@mentallydatingspencerreid @dontshootmespence @ultrarebelheart @lyrasilverroseelizabethamanti @cynbx @rikersgirl22 @pllfrommars @wheresthewater  @darknesstoglowing @adropintheocean1234567 @tleighstone12 @unitchiefwives @sam-carter-in-training @prettyboysjello @ddreammcatcher @thegirlinflames  @night–hawk @t25luver @onlyalittleteenwolfobsessed @thismiss02 @literallyprentissstwin @usercorgis @natalie-fangirl @holding-on-to-francis @nikkipea @alisonxnguyen @nsanchez1992

[highbuttonsports]

One Hell Of a Time at The Calgary Stampede

    One hell of a time. I don’t know how else one can describe the Calgary Stampede. The Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth is how the CS brand describes the Calgary Stampede, and they don’t diss a point. There’s so many things involved in the Stampede that some you see from afar, most you don’t. Food that you wouldn’t believe, tents where you can party until the sun comes out. All this accompanied by the daily rodeo and evening Chuckwagon races. The Calgary Stampede is something that if you have never experienced, put it on your damn bucket list right now and get out here! I honestly don’t even know where to start to when describing the Calgary Stampede.

  Hundreds of thousands of tourists flock into town days before, and the city evolves. How does a city evolve you ask? The 10 days that are the Calgary Stampede, the whole city is in the spirit. It’s not like a Flames playoff run, or a Mooseheads memorial cup run (for those East Coasters tuning in), this is off the charts. Just think of it as a party for 10 straight days. Day and night. Then get up and do it all again. Cowboy boots, western wear, hats you name it. It’s Halloween in July. Legit, I’m sure the true cowboys around just sit back and laugh at everyone dressed up in skinny jeans and cowboy boots. In skirts that your ass will hang out of (male and female, we don’t discriminate).

   The common goal though, is the whole city for once is on the exact same page. Everyone is involved, and everyone is bought in. How often these days does the city come together no matter who you are, what you do, what race you are, what car you drive, what brand of underwear you wear. We’re all the City of Calgary for these 10 days putting on the Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth. Like I said, there’s so many parts and pieces to Stampede, but does anyone really care about the fried food, the midway rides and games and the G Rated parts? Absolutely not. Every city has midways some time or another, but Stampede. Man oh man.. Stampede. You can do Stampede many different ways. I remember chatting with a buddy just before the week kicked off and told them that I had never personally been on a midway ride during Stampede. Their face dropped and couldn’t believe it. As I laughed, it’s just not how we’ve ever done Stampede. Let me introduce you to the main reason why most locals dislike the Stampede. It’s one big piss up, which I guess isn’t a lie, but I guess it’s what a lot of people love. 

Personally I’ve been in Calgary for 4 years in December, and I just finished my fourth Stampede. I won’t lie, the first one was pretty calm and uneventful. We took in a few events, but never were exposed to the nitty gritty. The second one.. well yup, now we’re going. The third one, well that was just a gong show, and this year, another one for the books. I’ll try not to bore you with stories of every time I’ve ever been to the Stampede. We can save that for the autobiography, but lets dip into some fun events. A lot of Stampede is corporate outings, events, piss ups you name it. We entertain customers, we gamble on the Chuckwagons, we throw money around at the bull riding. 2017 was when I started my current gig. Cowboy’s tent. I can just stop there and the majority of you will know where that goes. But lets dive in. I’m the newbie, the rookie, the kid. 

   We have some customers out to the Cowboy’s tent on a Sunday night, the Chainsmokers are in town. Now we’re not just in the tent, but we have a Super Suite, raised above the crowd with bottle service, VIP the whole 9 yards. Following pre drinks we all head to the Suite, waltz right in like we own the place right up to the suite. Yea, it is kind of a big deal because all the pigeons hang out below. I’m kidding, Cowboy’s is a blast no matter where you are. I can’t remember the security guards name, but he was a gem. On our way up to the suite, he looks at a few of us and kind of pulls us aside. “If you see any ladies that you want up here, let me know. We’ll get them up there”.

   Alright then. Yup, buckle up here we go. Side note, now hailing from Halifax, we just don’t have parties like this. Sure you can get ‘guest list’ at the Dome, or give a bouncer at Reflections a twenty to get in, but this is right in line with Vegas shit. This doesn’t happen where I grew up. Moving along though, we’re in for a night. I was thinking to myself I don’t know what I’ve gotten into, but I love this. Keep in mind, Cowboy’s is probably THE PLACE to be during the Stampede. Partying it up with customers. I remember how awesome Neon Dreams was that evening, and that’s about it. Being above the crowd, lots of girls want to come up, lots of people want to be involved. Having some stand down below trying to grab your attention to bring them up, you feel like Sidney Crosby or something sitting up here. Now I’m not that naïve in thinking they want you. They just want the free drinks dumbass, but lets be honest, it’s still funny as hell in that situation. I can go on and on about this night, but it literally black outs after Neon Dreams (great Halifax boys). Leaving Cowboy’s, waking up on the front step, paying a $400 limo bill with the company card, and that story still gets told through the workplace today. That’s Stampede. Well I guess not everyone’s Stampede, but that was my first exposure to how I know Stampede. So with my work we do a lot of customer entertaining, and 2018 we actually bought a tarp and sponsored a Chuckwagon driver. So it goes like this. Every year there is a canvas auction where companies will bid on tarps that will be on the Chuckwagons for each night they race. 

  Tarps range from 50K – 150K depending on the driver. But the catch is you get 10 nights of entertainment, having access to a tent setup in the barns with food, drinks and more fun. Your driver will take you on a barn tour to meet the horses, their staff. It’s a pretty cool experience. So in 2018, I’m the only rep in my division, so we had one full night this event. You get 40 tickets a night, and I had 25 of my guys, the boys, you name it. I felt like a frigging event planner trying to piece this together and set it off without a hitch. Now Cowboy’s was awesome, but I think this was better. Had a phenomenal crew, unbelievable laughs, shit tons of beer and lots of money being tossed around. Yea, we gamble on the races. Very common practice, around the grandstands with cowboy hats full of money getting passed around, pots growing and more. It’s an absolute riot. We had a great crew out that night. Keep in mind I have anywhere from divisional managers of these huge companies, to site superintendents. Like I said earlier, everyone is in this together though. It doesn’t matter who you are, we’re all here for the party. We lost a few people over the course of the night, but there’s always those stragglers that don’t want to go home, so we head to Nashville North. Country music. Nashville North is a tent on the Stampede grounds which is free to get in, and is just another huge party. They have nightly country shows that gets some decent acts in not to mention everyone is lit. I think about 8 of us made it over there out of 25 that night. Mind you, I had a fellow East Coaster with me who I knew would stay out all night. I might as well end this right now, nothing crazy happened. Dancing, drinking, whatever. It’s just another story of standing at the table, looking at the stage and it being a blur. 

  That’s Stampede. This year was, well just another year at Stampede. Nights ending at 3:30 in morning, back to backs. It’s just another Stampede. We did the same thing this year, expect I got a few other nights to head down and enjoy the same thing. Opening night this year, it’s kind of like standing on the blue line during the national anthem. The anticipation before the game, your amped, your antsy, you just want to get going. Let’s go boys, let’s fucking go! That was my whole day Friday July 5th , 2019 and it did not disappoint. Replace blue line with office, and it was basically the same thing. I was lucky enough to only have a few boys with me the first night which is a lot easier to manage. Night started pretty tame, but when you look down the tarmac and see one of your largest customer’s who also sponsored a Chuck is here, you know you better buckle up. The bets were made between companies when we went head to head and we came up short.

   I guess the drinks are on me for the night, fine. Man oh man. What happens when your crew in Alberta is made up of a couple Nova Scotians, and a handful of Newfie’s. Need I say more? That night ended with sharing a cab home with a customer, no idea where this guy lives. He’s passed out cold in the cab trying to wake this guy up to get him home. Night one was a success. Luckily this kid had 6 days off before heading back down for our big night yet again. Fast forward to Thursday, a lot of the same crew from the previous year but a lot of us know each other better, and it’s like everyone looked at each other at the same time and said “We’re getting #InOne”. Yup, here we go. Shot gunning at the tent opened up the evening, bottomless drinks filled in the middle. So we head to the barns after the races to drink some more. The boot came off. So we have a rookie employee that joined us this year.We started putting it in ears around that the rookie each year has to drink from the boot.This was a lie, but we wanted to get this guy. The boot came off, my right boot. Let’s fill er up! Poured a few cold beer in them, and kicked it off. 

  I got my boss drinking from it, we got our vendors. What good sports we had here. We even had a couple of military gents that joined our tent for a beer. Asked them for a favour to play along and take a sip? These guys were absolute fucking beauty’s finishing a boot each. Like I said, the boot. Far from new. Might have been threw a few Stampede’s with god knows what on the ground. Would this new guy do it? Nope. Not a chance. A long lasting tradition ended. Now if only one person took a sip, yea whatever it’d probably die off and think nothing of it. But EVERYONE in the tent is chugging from this thing. C’Mon man, grow a set. We partied the night away at Nashville North again until the wee hours of the morning. 

  I remember waking up with a text from one of our vendors who comes in to town for our event every year. Word for word, “The way that you started the drinking from your boot, was nothing short of heroic. I think you single handedly started a new tradition. Fucking good on ya!”. I didn’t think it was heroic by any means, just a little drunken fun. But looking back now, and what transpired the next night I think we’re onto something. So I did end up back down at our tent the next night as well, and to make a long story short. The boot story from our night before had already gotten around to some of our higher end managers and they ate that shit up. “When’s the boot coming out tonight!”, “Come on Murrant, let’s get that boot going!”. 

 Yup, we definitely started something. You’d think the boot would be soaked. Nope. I walked around with that thing on the rest of the evening, it was bone dry. Doesn’t take much to finish a few beer out of the size 12! One hell of a time. I can go on and on about Stampede. I know these stories are strictly about partying and drinking, but who wants to read a blog about a kid who picked up a duck out of a floating pond and didn’t win a prize? Didn’t think so. Stampede is one if not the greatest party on earth. 

  As I said early on. If you ever get the chance to go, you MUST. Don’t think about it, just get your ass out here! If you’re sitting there thinking well I don’t know anyone out there, or know what to do out there. Stop making excuses. Let’s go! Get your ass out here, you will not be disappointed. If you’ve even made it this far, I commend you. Round of drinks on me when you get out here for the party. All I can say to sum up Stampede. Stampede, man.

-Mike Murrant 

[puttputtpity-blog]

Any one remember Donnie from Wild Thornberrys?

Yeah, I met him. 

I should mention I’m not particularly fawn of children. By particularly, I mean hella. Like, they creep me out and make me nervous. They smell weird, make noises, are loud, like ????????????? What the hell is that??? It’s probably due to me being the 2nd youngest out of all my siblings, and only by like, a year. And I also grew up super isolated and I guess I never got to interact with other kids to figure out all that shit. 

Spoiler: I still have no desire to try and communicate with these gremlins.

I don’t even think you guys understand how bad I am with kids. I’m already awkward okay. Then here comes these mini drunk people babbling incoherently while the mom encourages them.

 Bitch, I ain’t taking time out of my day to try and decipher your hob-goblins gargling, scratch record speech. Because frankly, I don’t care. Like, I try okay? Once. I’ll try once then after that I’m out bitches. Nothing good can possibly come from something that sticks its hands down its pants, scratches its ass, picks its nose, then shoves its hand in its mouth.

Now will I slap a kid? Absolutely not. But if I see one fall, I sure as hell ain’t running to help it. Honestly though, like, you tell me your kid is in 5th grade, I will understand nothing. 

What age is that??????

Does it know how to talk????

How smart is it???

Can it use the bathroom by itself???

Do you have to walk it on a harness???? 

Like,....The fuck does that mean?????????

Now, my job means I have to sometimes interact with these ovarian spawns. 

Whatever, that’s fine. It’s typically them just saying a number. Some are actually pretty well mannered and all that. Most are shy and don’t say anything. So, in short, tolerable. Hell, some are even kinda fun to talk to. 

HOWEVER. As I mentioned above, I met Donnie from the Thornberrys. These 3 kids come through, 2 boys (Big and little brother, and a sister) I guess they were like,,...5???? 6??????? Idk?????? Small????? My guess is like, 4 years for the sister, 5 for the little brother, and like,...6 maybe for the big brother??? The fuck I know.  

Now, this day I was working with a guy, we’re gonna call him C. C came in around 4:30 to help me work night shift. (I worked 12-9) We bonded over the fact we are both shit with dealing with these sperm slip ups. As if God above heard us, here come the kids. Now, I knew the girl that was with them, Gonna call her Lo. However, I didn’t say anything to her because I’m an antisocial shit that hates everyone. 

But, But, BUT,........the first thing these children do is come banging on the damn door. Fuck you gremlin, we have a window. 3 actually. Damn. But none the less, we open it. Smallest of the shits shove past and starts trying to touch everything. 

Excuse me child, but what the frick frack, putt putt, butt fuck do you think you’re doing? 

So we finally get him out and the girl is just like, lol he do that sometimes. 

Well, maybe my foot sometimes slips right up your ass? Come get this thing. (Is it a good time to mention I’m a salty person?) We get them the damn balls and all that good jazz and they head out. Now, they come back, the little one does. This kid doesn’t know how the fuck to speak apparently. Literally, mumbling and pointing at random shit and I just?????? Why the hell are you like this??? Did your mother not slap you and tell you to speak up? Mine did?? 

He leaves again after I nudge him out and close the door. (And Lock it cause he just flung the door open and came right on it, rude spawn) So, they get to the last window and they, like many other uterus expulsions, are amazed at the ball drop pipe. (It’s typical for them to want the ball back to do it again when we explain how it works, but we try and ask them not to stick their hand down there since last year, apparently, a kid almost got his hand stuck.) So, unlike most kids who are like, “Where did the ball go????” and us simply explaining there’s a pipe, then letting them drop it again through the hole, then they leave, these little shits start SCREAMING, “WHERE DID IT GO??? HOW DID IT DO IT? HOW? TELL.” 

Bitch. Chill the fuck out you sim creation reject. We explain over their screeches and they continued with, “GIVE IT. GIVE BALL, GIVE.” I’ll give you these hands son. So we give it and they drop it again and leave the putt putt area a little after that. So, I go to use the bathroom okay. I come back and C is not amused. Apparently, the youngest had come back to the last window and stuck a hand through, holding a  melting ice cream (it was all over his arm) and was like, “Help, my ice cream is falling.” So C is like, “???? Uh, take it back outside??? I can’t help you???” And the kid just keeps trying to hand it to him while dripping ice cream everywhere. C is like, “PLeASe? SToP?” And finally his brother ran up, snatched it, and just chucked it towards the nearest trashcan. 

We are not done ladies and gents. 

The oldest bro comes back from the bathroom a little while later and he just leans into the last window and stares at us. (The fuck up with kids and staring?) So Me and C are like, ??? What? And this egg goes, “I went to the bathroom.” Okay????? We kinda just look at each other and then just say, “Good job???” THIS LITTLE SHIT JUST GOES, “I ain’t done yet.” 

????????????!!!!!! BITCH COME AGAIN? YOU RIGHT OVER THE HOLE THAT LEADS IN HERE. WHAT THE FUCK. YOU BETTER NOT.

So, it just keeps staring at us like we know what he’s talking about, so finally I quietly go, “You’re not done....playing?” He just nods and is like, “Yeah, wanna play golf.” JESUS CHRIST KID, THE HELL. IF IT WASN’T YOU SHITTING, IT WAS ME CAUSE YOU SCARED THE SHIT RIGHT OUT OF ME. Whatever though, I hand him the shit. He looks at the club and is like, “No, just ball.” 

NOW Y’ALL. Remember how I went out and bought new golf balls with my own money? I was not excited about the aspect of handing this thing a ball, considering it would probably run off with it. But it’s my job, so fine. Donnie Thornberry has come over now, and he wants one too. Fuck me. Whatever. So I hand them white golf balls. “I want black.” 

Child. Fuck you. Take the damn ball. I tell him, “We don’t have black. We have white, 2 green, and a yellow.” 

“I want black.” 

Boi. 

We explain it 2 more times before he settles for yellow. 

WELL ALL THEY DO IS IMMEDIATELY DROP IT IN THE HOLE AND START SCREECHING AGAIN. 

At some point, mumbling mertle knocks on the door. This little turd was clever. It was a convincing knock, and sounded like one of the clean up crew workers knocking to clock out. 

We opened the door.

There it was. 

First thing it does and point out the ants on the side of the door frame. Good job. Then he starts mumbling incoherently, in child talk, that neither me or C know how to translate or speak. I ask, “Do...Do you want to play again??” SIMPLE YES OR NO ANSWER, AN OFFERING TO THIS HELL SPAWN TO GET HIM TO LEAVE. I get jack shit of an answer, as it continued to babble and barge on it. It went to the ball drop bucket and pulled it away, throwing the balls everywhere before taking one and trying to shove it back up the pipe. 

Where was the girl watching him at? Right outside the damn last window. So, now I decide to bring out my drama acting lessons, to pretend I give a fuck how she is. 

“Lo??? Is that you??? How are you?” 

“Omg hi!! I’m doing fine! I took them out to play a little today, you work here now?” 

No, obviously I’m a masochist who enjoys hurting myself through dealing with your burrowed responsibilities. Yes I work here. 

“Yeah! It’s a summer job til I get back to college. Speaking of the kids, you wanna get this one?” 

“What’s he doing?”

Bitch, just come get him, what the fuck. It’s in my shack. 

“Uh, well, he’s sticking his hand up the pipe and he might get his hand stuck, we had someone do it last year.” 

“Oh! Just smack him.”

MOTHER FUCKER i CAN’T JUST HIT YOUR KID???? AS MUCH AS I DON’T LIKE KIDS, I AIN’T GONNA HIT IT?

I tell her, “Uh, I can’t, I don’t wanna lose my job.” 

“Oh, kay, I got him, just gotta smack him and tell him to leave.” Sure enough she leans over and bops him on the head while telling him to get out. Out he goes. Lock door again. 

AND THANK GOD THEY LEFT SHORTLY AFTER. 

Quoting C here, “Most people would assume if you worked here, you’d get nervous around the druggies, the pedo’s, snakes, whatever. No. It’s the kids.” 

PEOPLE PLEASE CONTAIN YOUR CHILDREN? THE FUCK?