#It'S WORSE BECAUSE I HAVE ANXIETY ABOUT EVERY STEP OF THE APPLICATION PROCESS TOO

[jankwritten]

i woke up feeling pretty good today, which is of course why it had to be immediatley waylaid by my mom reminding me that I need to apply for a job soon which, of course, has made me the most anxious I've been in weeks.

[slightlyrebelliouswriter23]

hey so i'm hoping to get some writing advice about creative burnout? like i seem to write in fits and spurts. some months i can churn out a oneshot or chapter everyday and some months i can do one (1) creative thing only. so i'm wondering how to prevent creative burnout and how to just create more smoothly <3 thank you!

Creative Burnout & How To Ward Against It

First, I’d like to preface this all by saying you’re definitely not alone. You probably already know this, but sometimes it’s nice to be reminded.

I know from personal experience that creative burnout can leave you feeling hopeless, detached from yourself—the kind of identity crisis no one needs in 2020. 

So buckle in, folks. It’s a dosy.

I. The Symptoms

Not to be the local WebMD page here, but signs of burnout can include:

Procrastination (more than usual)

Dreading writing and feeling stuck or overly perfectionistic when you try

Physical tiredness and/or irritability

Feeling like everything is monotonous

It’s more than just writer’s block. It’s a physical and emotional exhaustion response to something that goes deeper than a simple lack of inspiration. In my experience, and from a bit of research, I’ve found that what your brain is really looking for is dopamine.

Dopamine is essentially your brain’s chemical reward system for doing something interesting or exciting to you. As someone who is diagnosed with ADHD, I have chronically low levels of dopamine, so this is a constant struggle for me—but it is absolutely made worse by creative burnout.

II. The Problem

Studies have shown that the more we do A Thing the less that thing will give us dopamine (unless a component of the activity changes regularly). This is because eventually our brains desensitise to the stimuli provided by the activity, and subsequently, we become disengaged.

But it’s not necessarily The Thing (i.e. writing) that becomes boring. Actually, more than a few factors could be at play here, and the first step to finding a solution is to identify the problem.

1. ENVIRONMENT LACKS EXCITEMENT/CHANGE—

Sometimes, the monotony of everyday life can feed creative burnout. This becomes especially applicable in quarantine when you’re not leaving your house.

What we don’t realise is that even something as small as the variables of driving to and from work, or interacting with passing coworkers, gives us dopamine. So if you have the same routine every day that does not involve any added variables, your brain will begin staunching that dopamine supply.

2. EITHER TOO EASY OR TOO CHALLENGING—

In 1975, Hungarian-American psychologist, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, coined the term “flow”, which refers to a heightened state of creativity and concentration on an activity. Csikszentmihalyi posited that if your skill level is equal to the level of challenge in any given activity, you will experience this state of flow.

The chart below is taken from Csikszentmihalyi’s own study on the subject of flow and motivation. It examines “your skill level” on the x axis in relation to the “challenge level” on the y axis.

Essentially:

Too much challenge + not enough skill = anxiety, worry (which might lead to procrastination and perfectionism)

Too much skill + not enough challenge = boredom, apathy (which might lead to monotony, irritability, and other depression-like symptoms)

Skill level = Challenge level = Flow

3. NOT ENOUGH “ACTIVE” STIMULATION—

When it comes to dopamine seeking, there is a distinct difference between active and passive stimulation in the brain.

Active stimulation is any form of activity that you have to actively engage in. For instance; exercising, doing a crossword puzzle, or reading a book. These kinds of activities not only give you dopamine, they also facilitate critical thinking and problem solving thought processes, which act as catalysts for creativity.

Passive stimulation, on the other hand, comes in the form of television, social media, and YouTube. It’s anything you can consume without having to actively engage. Passive stimulation will indeed give your brain dopamine, however, it won’t activate your creativity.

The problem also lies in the speed at which you receive the dopamine from passive activities. Passive stimulation is so easy to access that the more you consume, the harder it becomes to pick up active stimulation. Your brain expects a hit of dopamine just by picking up a phone or turning on the TV—it becomes addicted to the quick fix of a Netflix binge.

III. The Solutions

Based on the problems mentioned above, I am going to list a few solutions. Keeping in mind that not every solution will work for everyone, these can act as both preventative measures and remedies for someone who is currently burned out.

1. CHANGE UP YOUR ENVIRONMENT/ROUTINE—

Aim to do at least one thing per day that will add “variables” to the monotony. This can be as simple as going on a long walk, dressing up in that bold outfit you always wanted to wear to the office but never did, or sitting at a different workspace in your home.

Anything you can do that’s simple, but might provide an extra variable to your day to spice things up. Note: this shouldn’t be the same thing every day.

2. CHALLENGE YOURSELF MORE—

If you find yourself bored by your work, try challenging yourself more. This could mean setting goals for yourself that go a bit beyond what you’ve been doing. 

For example, if you’ve been writing 500 words per day, see if you can beat your own word count every day for the next week. If you’ve been writing mainly fluff pieces, switch it up and do an angst piece. See if you can write a book in a month, or start a blog where you don’t write fiction at all!

Anything you can do to add a little kick to your workload. Note: Beware of challenging yourself too much! This can lead straight back into burnout.

3. CHALLENGE YOURSELF LESS—

If you’re on the flip side of that coin, and find that you are anxious, procrastinating, and perfectionistic when it comes to writing, fret not. Just because you’re experiencing any of these things, doesn’t mean you’re incapable of doing the job with your skillset.

It just means your perception of the job needs to be shifted.

Procrastination, at its heart, is a fear of failure, which results in actively avoiding the negative emotions associated with the task that causes this fear. Perfectionism is a type of procrastination that is a combination of a fear of failure and a fear of success (or, more accurately, other’s critiques of your success) all at once.

Neither have anything to do with your actual skillset, but they have everything to do with your perception of your skillset. Obviously, this is a harder thing to fix, as it has to do with deeply ingrained levels of self-esteem.

What I can offer you is a tactic to trick your mind into thinking you’re capable.

If you have a task, big or small, and you are feeling overwhelmed by it (like you might go curl up in bed and scroll Tumblr), immediately break that task up into smaller tasks. Keep breaking up the smaller tasks until you have the smallest possible part of the bigger task without doing nothing.

Then do that smallest possible thing.

If your goal is to write a 2000 word one shot, a small part of that task is writing half of it. An even smaller part of that task is breaking the one shot up into “scenes” and writing one scene. For instance:

Jude wakes up to a sore throat, a runny nose, and a fever.

She tries to go to work, but Cardan, being the mother hen that he is, threatens to never make her another grilled cheese sandwich (her favourite food) ever again if she doesn’t stay home.

Jude agrees begrudgingly, and Cardan sits her down in front of the TV with a bottle of Gatorade. He leaves to go get medicine from the store.

When Cardan comes back, Jude is worse than before. He makes her soup and saltine crackers and spoon feeds her.

She complains the whole time and, in her feverish state, threatens to never buy him another bottle of wine (his favourite food) ever again if he doesn’t let her feed herself.

Each bullet point represents one “scene” of about 200-400 words each. Obviously, there will be more details that you work out as you write. But with these five smaller scenes, your goal is no longer writing the 2000 word one shot. Your goal is writing the first of the five scenes.

If you complete the smallest possible task, you can stop, and you’ll still feel like you’ve accomplished something because you can cross off that task from your list. But chances are, by the time you cross off one task, you may have inspiration enough to keep going.

4. ENGAGE IN ACTIVE STIMULATION—

Since active stimulation has been proven to turn on the creative “tap”, try incorporating more of these activities into your daily routine:

Exercise: As the resident couch potato, I hate to say that exercising is good for creativity, but it is. Even if it’s just going on a short walk, so long as you’re moving.

Reading: Sometimes you have plenty of ideas, but no words to fit those ideas. Fill your well of words by carving out an hour or two each day for reading a good book.

The Creative Process: In the writing world, the creative process is a process of about 20-30 minutes that the writer partakes in every day before they start writing. This process should be creative, but also have nothing to do with writing. You can try colouring in a colouring book, painting, organising a page in your bullet journal. Anything that is creative but does not make you think about everything you have to do that day. Think of it as creative meditation.

Listen to music: Having APD, I personally can’t listen to music while I write. However, studies have shown that if you listen to at least ten songs per day, it will significantly benefit your dopamine levels and overall mood. If you’re like me and prefer to work in silence, maybe stick on a couple songs during your creative process. If you can manage music and writing together, get out those headphones!

5. KEEP A REGULAR SCHEDULE—

I know this is the most cliche point in the book, but it’s valid. This doesn’t mean do the same thing at the same time every day over and over, because ultimately we’re looking to avoid monotony. 

But having pillars of structure to bolster the excitement can definitely work to keep you from slipping into burnout. Going to sleep, waking up, and having your meals at relatively the same time every day are good examples of this. 

Feel free to change up the things you do between breakfast and lunch, but make sure you have those pillars of consistency so your brain knows that a break is on the horizon and doesn’t get tired.

6. PACE YOURSELF—

This is particularly difficult for those of us who are coming out of a creative burnout, but I urge you to pay special attention to this one. If we are suddenly hit by inspiration and the writing is flowing and flowing and flowing, eventually we will hit the point of highest dopamine capacity for writing.

Not putting a check on the flood of inspiration coming out of a creative burnout, I’d argue, is actually a guarantee that many of us will experience burnout all over again. It becomes this vicious cycle in which we are trapped.

While it feels great to write non-stop and receive immediate validation for that work, try to limit yourself to how much you’re writing and how immediately you post your writing (if you plan on posting it).

Whenever I finish a one shot or a chapter of something, I like to allow at least one day for editing before I post. This timeframe is important, because it acts as a buffer of rest between writing marathons. 

You can take however long you need for the editing process, but definitely make sure you have a set amount of time in place. Otherwise, your brain might not have enough time to come down from what is essentially a writing high, and you will always need to reach greater heights in order to achieve that same level of dopamine.

~~~~

Overall, the most important things to take away from all of this are: 

Change up your environment

Keep your brain actively stimulated 

Have pillars of structure between which you can run about chaotically to your heart’s content

PACE YOURSELF!

Hope this helped. Happy writing!

-Em 🖤🗡

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[altheterrible]

Graduate School with Chronic Physical and Mental Illness

(long)

Hi there. I see a lot of people on here who want to go to grad school but worry it will be too teaching for their physical and/or mental health. Well, in 2013, I made the decision that I wanted to earn my doctor of pharmacy degree despite having multiple chronic illnesses. Making this choice for me was easy--it's something I’d wanted to do since I was a senior in high school in 2005. However, if I’d known how difficult it would be, I may have made a different choice. So here are some pieces of advice and information to help you determine if grad school is right for you.

First, about me: I am a type 2 diabetic with diaphragm paralysis and diagnosed PTSD, major depression, generalized anxiety, and adhd. In 2013, only the diabetes was diagnosed; I had not undergone any psychiatric care at that point. I had been self harming for 15 years in 2013, with no end in sight in that front. I have a long history of coping with stress badly. No one knew anything about my mental health history, though, because I kept that shit locked down, so no one tried to dissuade me from applying on that basis. The diaphragm paralysis began in 2018, so I had to adjust to being more disabled in the middle of my program.

[[MORE]]

Information: if someone knows your mental or physical health history and tries to dissuade you from grad school, dig deeper and find out exactly what their reservations are. Then brainstorm a plan to address those reservations. Chances are good they have your best interests at heart and don't want you to suffer. But here's the thing: grad school sucks no matter what. So listen and consider their opinion, but you're not obligated to do what they say.

Advice: applying to grad school starts like, years before you plan to attend. I decided to attend in 2013 and finally started pharmacy school in 2015. In those 2 years, I filled prerequisites, built up my resume, and forged relationships with potential letter of recommendation writers. These things are hard and awkward for everyone, but it's worse when you're chronically ill. I rarely had the extra energy to volunteer and shadow professionals in the field, so I started early to get the recommended hours in. I had extreme social anxiety and so I carefully planned exactly who and how to ask for letters of recommendation. I'm sorry to say you are going to NEED those letters for basically every program, so start planning for them early. It's ok to send an email. Anyone you ask is going to want to talk to you about your program and what you want the letter to reflect, though.

Tips about prerequisites: most graduate programs will have classes they want you to take before you start grad school. Med school, pharmacy school, etc have pretty similar requirements, which they publish. They might throw something in there like “this course must have been completed within the last 5 years.” It can all seem very set in stone and rigid, but actually admissions officers will work with you on a lot of stuff. You can substitute classes, get older classes approved, even use professional experience to fill prereqs. Asking for a deal never hurt. I got a 10-year-old algebra based physics class approved when the prereqs for my program clearly stated I needed calculus based physics within the last 5 years. Surprise twist: I never once needed physics in grad school.

Information: the application process is so much more arduous and EXPENSIVE than you think it is. It's not something you can do the night before it's due; say a minimum, you're probably going to need entrance exam scores, 3-4 letters of recommendation, and a writing sample. Applying is hard for everyone. In a way, it's the first step of “weeding out the weak.” This sucks because it also excludes impoverished applicants and disabled applicants. At one point in the pharmacy school application, I had to enter the credits and grade for every undergraduate class I’d ever taken. It was exhausting. I messed one up, so I had to do it again. Then the expense, holy shit. First, the admissions exams are super costly. The GRE, MCAT, PCAT, LSAT, etc all run in the hundreds of dollars. Then each school you apply to will be another $50-100. It's not uncommon to spend $1000 on just the application process. Being chronically ill often coincides with being poor, so this stings a lot. Many exams have fee waivers for low income students that can reduce the cost somewhat, these are definitely worth looking into. Me, I crowd funded.

Some tips for the application process: plan on having days where you feel demotivated or ill and account for them in your schedule. It's ok to reuse a writing sample from a class, just print a clean copy. If you get frustrated and hopeless, move into another section. If you’re still frustrated and hopeless, try again tomorrow. Solicit help if you can. Ask your professors and TAs for help or advice.

Information: after you submit your applications, interview invitations start to go out. Some programs interview everyone, some only interview people they feel sketchy about. Being invited to interview means that the program is definitely interested in learning more about you. Interview processes vary widely. They can be group interviews, one on one interviews, interviews with professors or current grad students, formal, informal.

Advice about interviews: Ask previous applicants what the process was like for them, to get an idea of how your program runs things. Figure out what to wear. Professional clothing is usually best, though I realize it's an ableist, classist social construct. I can't wear high heels and I'm gender non conforming, so professional clothes were an ongoing struggle for me. Thrift stores are good. Borrow from friends and family. Bring a nice folio. Take a lot of ibuprofen beforehand because there might be a lot of walking. Grad school is still overwhelmingly white, able bodied, and upper middle class. Be prepared to swallow some bullshit. It won't be the only time. There will come a time to challenge these norms; interviews are not that time.

Information: after interviews, usually about 2 weeks, acceptance letters start going out. Yay, you were accepted to your dream program! What's next? Well, honestly, a shit ton of paperwork. Remember all that paperwork you did as an undergraduate? Get ready to do it again. And more.

Advice: If you're moving to a new city, start looking for a place immediately. When you're chronically ill, you don't just need a home, it needs to be accessible. You also need physicians, hospital services, possibly mental health services. A lot of us don't drive, so familiarize yourself with transportation options in your new city. I moved to a townhouse with a great roommate that was near a major hospital. I got my mental health services established with the University counseling center. I found an LGBT centered health clinic for my primary care needs. I found it through my University’s LGBT Facebook group.

More advice: moving sucks, but if your apartment stops meeting your needs, moving is better than being miserable. I suffered a fall in early 2018 and ended up with a paralyzed diaphragm. At the time, my apartment had 3 flights of stairs, which was really impractical when I literally couldn't breathe. So I moved to a one level apartment. Bonus, it was less expensive. It made my life 1000x easier. So like, remember you're not powerless, you don't have to stay in shitty situations.

Advice: do not overlook your University healthcare and mental health services. I got free weekly therapy for 4 years at the University counseling center. I got routine care at the University clinic for the first year I was in grad school. These people exist to help you, and if they can’t, they’ll point you at someone who can. Also, seek out the disabilities office to get whatever accommodations you can. The University psychiatrist can diagnose you and suggest accommodations for you, that is one of their main purposes.

Information: your schedule. Graduate credits are worth “more” than undergraduate, so instead of taking 5-6 classes a semester, you'll have about 3. A lot of them will be seminars if you’re going into a social science or liberal arts. In a seminar, everyone reads a book or article before class and then during class, you discuss the reading. In this situation, you are graded on the quality and quantity of your input, so if you’re socially anxious, you’re at a disadvantage. You can attempt to get an accommodation for this, such as submitting a written essay in lieu of spoken commentary, but a lot of graduate professors are assholes. Is it illegal for them to ignore your accommodations? Yup. Will it absolutely happen anyway? Yup.

Advice about accommodations: make them as broad as possible. Anything you think you could possibly need, get it in writing that you need it. You're not penalized for NOT using your accommodations, but professors don't have to respect anything that isn't in your plan. I had an accommodation for extended time on exams. Never needed it, but had the option. Another thing: your professors WILL act like you're being demanding for requesting accommodations. See above: they’re assholes. You can send the disabilities officers after them if you don't feel like you can stand up to them.

Advice about schedules: schedule everything. Find a planner that works for you and use it to schedule everything you need to do. EVERYTHING. Meals, classes, assignments, exercise, medications, appointments. I use Google calendar because it reminds me to do things and alerts me if I double book myself. This relieves your brain of the burden of remembering shit. Google calendar will also email me my daily agenda every morning.

Flares: these will happen. October 2016, I entered the worst mental health crisis of my life, and it lasted for TWO YEARS. I was hospitalized for self-harm and suicide attempts 7 times, ranging from 2-10 days each. I still graduated on time. This was a multifactorial success.

Advice for managing flares: get someone influential in your corner. I became very close with my advisor, who was chair of a department. I met with her weekly to talk about classes and just hang out. In turn, she began to understand what was going on with me and how to help. Because of our bone, when I began having difficulties with multiple absences, missed classes, medication side effects, she would go to bat for me with the other professors. It was a blessing to have the experience of someone showing unwavering faith in me to be honest. She thought I could succeed when I didn’t, and was able to convince the naysayers that they shouldn't kick me out of school.

Self-care vs pushing through: Don't neglect self-care. If you're overwhelmed, adjust your responsibilities but dropping a class, giving up a TA position, or cutting down hours at work. The demands placed upon graduate students are extreme, and graduating late is better than never graduating because you worked yourself to death. I nearly died because of the pressure I was under. I pushed through my severe mental illness and chronic illnesses because to me, graduating on time was paramount. Now I can see how stupid that was. Don't be me.

Rotations, internships, practicums: a lot of graduate programs require some kind of real-world training. This is almost always unpaid and can take up as much time as a full-time job. This unpaid labor can be extremely draining—I was working 45-50 hours a week at the hospital, then coming home and doing another 3 hours of homework every night and I had to maintain this schedule for a year. I’d be working 7AM – 10 PM. I burned out so spectacularly. So, if your advisor offers you an alternative schedule with shorter days over a longer period, accept the offer. I was determined to finish school on time and by the time I graduated, I never wanted to step foot in a pharmacy again.

These real-world learning experiences are valuable because you can meet industry professionals who can serve as future references, so it's important to be mindful of the impression you’re making. Some preceptors are very understanding and get that chronic illness makes life a lot harder. Other preceptors are dicks who “don't accept excuses” and make a note of every tardy and absence for the express purpose of throwing you under the bus. I'm not saying work yourself to death for free, rather, just know how your preceptors are judging you so you know who to ask for a reference later.

Miscellaneous: it's not unusual for chronic illness to worsen as a result of stress. So if you’re suddenly feeling worse than you ever have, it's not because you “can't hack it.” Your illness is legitimately worse. Related, do not let anyone convince you that you don't belong in your program. Grad school is hard, and chronic illness makes it harder, but only you can decide if stepping away is the right move. In 95% of cases, my advice would be to stick it out, maybe with modifications to your schedule or course load.

Finally, this is all based on my experiences. Everyone is different in terms of what they're willing to put up with and what they're capable of putting up with. Graduate school is supposed to be hard, so it's easy to think, well, I'm really struggling but who isn’t? Remember that your experiences are different and valid, and it's the schools job to meet your needs, not the other way around.

Good luck, and my ask box is always open.

[cloudyjoongie]

Love at First Boba Milk Tea (Kim Hongjoong Imagine)

Hellllllooooo I love boba and kim hongjoong; put it together and voila! Y'all enjoy this okieee ✌😅

First day at your very first job. Great.

Since you moved in to town, you've been solitary and wrapped yourself within a bubble of just you as your main company, but soon realized that this wasn't going to pay the bills. As soon as you found a milk tea shop with a flyer in the front door that says "WE ARE HIRING" you gave in to the posted advertisement and quickly submitted at application.

You stared at the store label for as long as you could to prepare for the battle you were about to engage in with a hard puff of breath.

"Alright! I can do this! " you thought to yourself and marched inside the shop.

The manager welcomes you in as he introduces to you the environment within the counter of the shop, other crew members greeting as you go. He goes about the rules to follow and the food safety information you needed to know then dressing you in the store apron.

"Today, Hongjoong here will be training you. He is your supervisor here in this shop." He says as the man walks up to you. He smiles at you warmly with a hand out to properly greet you and you return the favor. Hopefully, today wasn't going to be bad.

Hongjoong taught you how to make the basic milk tea flavors and how the boba should be cooked properly and the time dots for every batch that is made. You admired how much he knew about making the drinks and also enjoyed making them when boba was your favorite drink ever. The funny thing too about Hongjoong is that he'd have a couple of tricks on his sleeves with the drink shakers, dancing till it frothed perfectly. Although his purpose was to make you laugh and succeeds victoriously. That time, you swore that this was not bad at all.

You know what's the worse case scenario for a new employee? A weekend at 12 in the afternoon when shit gets busy with the customers start rolling in.

You were at the back with Hongjoong, helping him with the overflowing orders. He was incredibly fast that you being there was not needed but still, you made yourself useful by bagging up the drinks and dispatching the orders to the customers who waited both with understanding and impatience. It was just until the dispatched orders have returned with wrong drinks and at this point, you were confused as to what to do. Hongjoong, leaving out the pending orders, came to your rescue to help you communicate with the customers in an almost perfect way, correcting the mistaken orders for a few minutes before going back to making the drinks. Your anxiety level rose up, unclear of the situation right in front of you as more people showed up to the counter with receipts in their hands.

Then, as soon you were going to return a complained drink to Hongjoong, your rapid turn had made you spill the drink on the chest of the manager himself. His face was in total remorse, reddened with anger towards you.

"Sir, I am very very sorry." You grap a couple of napkins to even attempt to dry up with wet shirt.

"Pls, do not touch me and step out of the way so we can get this line rolling. You are of no use at the moment." Hongjoong hears these harsh words and confronts him.

"Sir, I don't think this is the way of speaking to her like this."

"Hongjoong, get back there and make the drinks and I'll dispatch the orders." And just like that, you walked away to the bathroom with flood of tears streaming from your eyes. You locked yourself in as you bursted out sitting on the bathroom floor. You couldn't get anything right on the first day, what more of the days to come then? It started to hurt in your chest and your throat, but you stayed there in order to calm the storm away.

You have sat there for as long as time went by with the thought that you were sure you were not allowed to come in the next day again. But in the middle of you reevaluating yourself, a soft knock comes from the door and you got up instantly, realizing that it must have been a customer waiting this whole time. After you were sure that you looked less as if you cried, you opened the door not to find a woman, but Kim Hongjoong with two sealed glasses of milk tea in hand.

"It's break time and I thought that it was only right to spend it with the new girl." He says as you come out of the bathroom, but slowly sitting down on the floor against the wall. Your mentality was not just ready for today that even effected you physically. Hongjoong sits next to you, offering you the other glass of milk tea.

"You know, you remind me of myself back then." He breaks the silent. You look at him with confusion.

"Nahh, clumsy? I don't believe that." You shake your head at him.

"I meant your silence and seclusion. At one point, I also loved isolating myself and I am sure you do too." You look at him in the eyes and nod at him.

"I guess so. It's a new town for me and even before coming here, I'm not a good communicator." He smiles at you.

"I understand. It does get you sometimes having to expose yourself to everyone. But this is not a bad life, just a day that did not go right. I came here as the silent kid, but I told myself that I had to get out of my comfort zone because not only did it boost my way of talking to people, but also my performance."

"No wonder your quick on your feet."

"I wasn't always. I started out far worst, trust me. It takes time, and you don't have to worry, I'll guide you to the process and you'll just be like me or even better, who knows." You smile at his comment as you poke the straw to your drink.

"Thank you, I really appreciate that."

"Cheers?"

"Cheers." Both of your raised your glasses and took a sip on the drink. This drink was nothing like the ones Hongjoong had made and was a lot better than your favorites. Your shock had urged you to ask him.

"Heyy, what drink is this?" He laughs softly.

"That, my friend is a secret. Maybe someday I'll teach it to you, but for now, this drink you have st your hands right now is my signature drink. Have it released on the market and it will end even the top shops in the country." You laugh at his dramatic voice.

"And what is the name of this undefeatable drink?"

"It is called Hong Milk Tea. The drink for those in need of comfort." You laugh once again at his beaming wit, instantly lightening up the mood from earlier. Along with you, he also laughs at his own joke, only wanting to earn the sound of laughter coming from you. Little did you know that in Hongjoong's mind, he did not see a weak girl, but someone who is beautiful and has yet to come out of her shell.

In just a few moments, Hongjoong was deep down interested getting to know you more.

In just a few moments, he has fallen in love with a girl who had absolutely no clue of his thoughts that was soon to be filled with you.

[drlissahawthorne]

Shifting Sights

Who: Clarissa Hawthorne

When: mid 2007 - mid 2008, ft. mentions of 2005

Where: nowhere specific / an eye doctor’s office

What: The starts of Clarissa’s journey with her sight loss and how she shifted her sights from archery to occupational therapy because of it.

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1855

Notes: This is part 1 of 3. Part 2.

Clarissa had always been good about protecting her eyes and keeping them healthy. As an archer, her eyes were just as important as her arms, if not more so. There were ways to continue to compete if one lost their arms. There were far less when it came to losing eyesight. Hard to hit a target you can’t see and all that. She did her best not to strain her eyes, made sure to not play video games for too long, and always took constant breaks. Didn’t binge watch shows or spend too long in front of a screen of any kind. She took every precaution she could with her eyes, just as she did the rest of her body.

Losing her eyesight came out of nowhere.

She’d noticed the changes as early as fifteen. It wasn’t anything drastic, at first. A little blurry, a little painful if she did too much, but nothing entirely out of the ordinary. Her family did have a history of eye problems as it were. It felt natural, in a couple of ways. But that didn’t mean it was something to take lightly. So, she’d told her parents and they got her in with an eye doctor. Nothing seemed wrong and she got her first pair of glasses/contacts then.

Over the next year and a half, however, her prescription changed multiple times. Each change was more drastic and confusing than the last. To the point that tests had to be run, because a seemingly healthy teenager shouldn’t be losing their eyesight as fast as Clarissa was. Even if she used her eyes significantly more than most likely did. She took care of her eyes, what was happening definitely wasn’t damage she was doing herself.

It was terrifying, knowing her eyes were getting worse by the moment, and in no real discernible pattern. Her non-dominant eye was definitely receiving the brunt of the loss, which didn’t really make sense. If it was something caused by eyestrain, which was often what left her in pain, it should have been her dominant eye going first. There was no obvious reason why what was happening to her was happening and it even seemed to baffle the doctors she’d seen. Which, admittedly, did nothing to assuage the fears and anxiety that Clarissa had over the entire ordeal.

For Clarissa, her eyesight was everything. She was a world champion in archery. She’d competed at the Junior Olympics and won gold several times over the years. She was slated to compete for Italy in the 2008 Olympic games in Beijing. Archery was her entire life. The idea that she might have to give that up was devastating. Especially because she didn’t entirely know what else she might want to do with her life. Archery had been the goal, had been the dream. Continue competing, maybe go to college. Losing her sight wasn’t in the books.

In mid-2007, after months and months of testing between trips back and forth to Italy and applying to a couple colleges, both in the states and abroad, Clarissa got an answer. It wasn’t the answer she’d been looking for, and certainly wasn’t one she wanted to hear, but it was the answer she’d honestly expected to receive. At least sort of.

“We don’t know why, but you are losing your sight at an accelerated rate. The loss is a steady rate in both eyes but uneven between them. You’re definitely losing more sight in your right eye than in your left, likely because it started deteriorating first. We’ll do more testing to confirm that for sure and to see what else we can find out.” While his words were gentle, it didn’t stop the weight of them from hitting Clarissa like a truck.

“I’m going blind?” As much as she’d known that was exactly what was happening, as it didn’t take a genius to know that, her voice still shook as she asked. It felt like her entire world was crashing down around her and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

“I’m afraid so.” He was trying to be as gentle as he could, that much was obvious, but it didn’t particularly help. There was no amount of gentleness that could detract from the utter sense of loss Clarissa was experiencing.

“And you don’t know why? Is there not some sort of disease or something that explains this?” People didn’t just lose their sight, not at her age. Not without a reason. How did they not know?

“All the testing we’ve done thus far has come up inconclusive. We’ll keep testing, but… As of now, we lack an explanation.” The doctor gave a small smile. “We’ll do what we can to help you figure this out.”

“What about archery? How much longer am I going to be able to see? Can I still compete?” She could feel her breathing catch in her chest. The threat of tears, of a breakdown creeping in the longer she sat there, fiddling with her own fingers.

“Your eyes should hold out for a number of years and you may not even lose your sight entirely. It’s hard to tell, especially without knowing what exactly is causing it. You’ll need stronger prescriptions, but ultimately, will still be able to compete, for now.”

For now. 

It should have been an upside. It wasn’t. 

She’d ask dozens of more questions before leaving the office that day. Clarissa wanted to know everything she could about what was going on. She wanted to know if there were any ways to counteract what was happening, or at least ways to try and keep the pace from speeding up. The doctor didn’t necessarily have any of the answers, but it was agreed that they’d figure it out as best they could. She was scheduled for numerous tests and while she left the office with her head held high, it was more for show than anything.

She got home that evening and cried. She cried until her eyes gave up. Until everything was blurry no matter what she did, until they ached and stung. Then she cried some more. There had been no amount of preparation she could have done to prevent the way the news affected her. Not really. It was one thing to suspect something but something entirely different to actually have it be confirmed.

The news had broken her heart. There was no denying it, she’d have to give up archery. Maybe not right away, she could still compete in at least one Olympic games, but after that, after all the years of work she’d put into it, archery wouldn’t be her end all. Even if she didn’t go completely blind, there wasn’t much hope that her eyes would just suddenly stop deteriorating. At some point, even with the aid of glasses or contacts, her vision would be too poor to compete. That was something she knew for sure, even if the doctor had tried his best to convince her that wasn’t the case.

Her career as an archer wasn’t something sustainable, her eyes were going to make sure of that. She’d have to come up with something else.

The first step was deciding what she wanted to do about her diagnosis. She decided not to reveal her sight loss. She saw no point in making it known that she was going blind. People lost their sight all the time and without answers it would just make it more difficult. Besides, it wasn’t like it would hinder anything, not yet. Her contact prescription got stronger and her eyes tired out faster, but life was still relatively the same. No sense alarming anyone else to the changes that would come in time.

From there, she looked into careers and the ways to get there. While she’d already sent off a number of applications for colleges, she hadn’t actually specified a major, figuring she’d dabble a bit in everything to find something she wanted to do. That view changed when she realized that college was more about setting up for the rest of her life than just something to pass the time between competitions. She had to decide going in, no matter which college she decided to attend.

So, she started researching. Deciding what she wanted to do with her life. Where it was she wanted to go and how she wanted to get there. As much as she enjoyed languages and the learning of them, they weren’t really a practical route to take. There was too much reading and writing involved in anything related to languages and the careers that one could obtain through them. She knew a lot about working out, the human body, sports. So, she decided to look into things that related to that knowledge in some way. See if what she’d learned as an archer could get her anywhere in life.

Her final college application was for the University of Pittsburgh, looking to declare a major in Rehab Science. She wanted to help people, wanted to be able to make a difference in the world. Her knowledge of the human body and how it worked would be useful with that. From there, she decided on becoming an occupational therapist, as it seemed like the best way to do so. Not only because it would allow her to help others, but she’d learn how to help herself in the process. Pittsburgh had one of the best rehab science programs available, with the ability to go directly into a doctor of Occupational Therapy degree upon graduation. It made the most sense for her to go there, but she explored other options to achieve the same elsewhere, in case she didn’t get accepted.

When her acceptance letter came in the mail, Clarissa couldn't have been happier. As much as archery meant to her and as much as it had shaped her entire life, much as growing up across seven countries had, it was exciting, in it’s own way, to be changing direction. Shifting her sights to something that was, admittedly, far more reasonable a future than relying solely on archery to get her through life. It was terrifying too. The idea that everything she knew was changing, and not necessarily for the better. There was no telling what might happen, if she’d actually like what she’d decided upon. If she’d be able to make a living doing it. It was new territory, but a challenge she was willing to take on. And not just because she didn’t technically have a choice.

With her acceptance into U of Pitt, Clarissa headed to Beijing with her head held high, sights set on the gold and a future that seemed to be shining just as brightly. Sure, it wasn’t the same dream she’d had, the future she’d been expecting, but it was something worth celebrating. It was a life still worth living, despite the literal darkness that was creeping into her vision somewhat constantly. Just because she was losing her sight, didn’t mean she was losing everything. There were still things to look forward to and targets to hit. 

[dvp95]

quiet on widow’s peak (1)

pairing: dan howell/phil lester, pj liguori/sophie newton/chris kendall rating: teen & up  tags: paranormal investigator, youtuber phil lester, dan howell is not a youtuber, online friendship, slow burn, strangers to lovers, nonbinary character, background poly, phil does some buzzfeed unsolved shit and dan is a fan word count: 3.2k (this chapter & total) summary: Phil's got a list of paranormal experiences a mile long that he likes to share with the world. Abandoned buildings, cemeteries, and ghost stories have always called his name, and a particular fan of his has a really, really good ghost story. Bingo squares: met on tumblr

new wip? NEW WIP.

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

The wind is loud in this one. That's frustrating, and it makes Phil's job a lot harder, but he can't control the weather. Be cool if he could. He does his best to level out his voice and the background noise of Mother Nature before he settles in with his good headphones and really cranks the volume.

It's even more annoying to listen to the alternating crackle and whistle right in his ears. Phil has dealt with worse during this whole process, though, so he finds the strength to power through it. He listens to the full thing three times, scribbling a few timestamps down on a Post-It pad as he does. He takes a break after that, does some stretches around his tiny bedroom and tiptoes out to get a snack without waking the whole damn house, and then he's right back in his apparently ergonomic office chair to subject his ears to more of this nonsense.

Wind, wind, and more wind. And sometimes just Phil's own voice. Nothing of note.

Phil is about to give this video up as a loss altogether when he hits one of the final timestamps and... can't figure out what that noise is.

For the first time since he opened this file, Phil grins. He exports the clip and plays around with it in Audacity. Some videos are always more fun than others, and Phil had felt like he was slogging through this one until now.

"Do you hear that, Theodore?" Phil murmurs. The tiny cactus on his desk, thankfully, does not respond.

It sounds like a person. It sounds like a person, whispering, and it definitely isn't the wind, and it isn't Phil's own voice, because he's in the middle of a question in this clip.

Phil might just be going crazy from sleep deprivation or wishful thinking, though. He pulls out his phone and texts the only group chat that doesn't cause him anxiety, which is comprised of the housemates that he actually gets along with. Anyone up? he asks, adding a single eye emoji for good measure.

Even though it's gone two in the morning, he gets immediate responses from all of them. A string of vaguely dirty emojis from Chris, a simple yeah from Sophie, and a cheerfully morbid did you know that insomnia leads to an early death? from PJ.

Wanna listen to a noise for me?

Within three minutes, Phil's bedroom is full of people in various states of sleepiness. All of them are in ridiculous pyjamas - including Phil - and PJ's hair in particular has taken on a mind of its own. Phil's room isn't really big enough for all of them, so there's some awkward shuffling before PJ claims the office chair. Phil sits at the foot of his bed with Sophie and Chris on either side of him, pressed close against each other's shoulders. It's a good thing he likes these people.

"I mean, it isn't the wind," is PJ's confident opinion. "Did you have anyone with you?"

"No, it's just me and my camera against the world," says Phil.

"No need to be a twat," Chris informs him. He taps at PJ's upper arm, impatient. "Let me have a go, then, if there's something there."

Chris is famously bad at hearing things in white noise, but PJ acquiesces the seat easily enough. Phil laughs, watching them do a weird step dance around each other in the small space between Phil's bed and desk.

"I can't hear any specific words," PJ says as he flops down across Phil's pillows, making himself comfortable. Phil just nods, because neither can he.

"How d'you know it's a person, then?" Sophie asks. Her voice is probably the only one soft enough for the hour. Their other housemates hate them for their frequent all-nighters, but Sophie is kind and quiet enough that she slips under the radar.

"You'll see for yourself."

When Sophie goes to respond, Chris interrupts in a hilariously loud voice, as if he's forgotten that having headphones on doesn't mean they can't hear him. "It's some kind of ghoulie or ghostie! I can barely fucking hear it, Philly, why didn't you mic it?"

"Why didn't I mic the ghost?" Phil asks, bewildered. Naturally, Chris doesn't hear him.

Sophie taps Chris on the shoulder and stands, leaning over his shoulder as she takes her turn listening to the sound clip over and over. Chris spins in the chair a few times and gives Phil an unhinged sort of grin.

"You got something this time," says Chris. He sounds like he's having just as much fun as Phil is, now that there's actually a thing to listen to besides his own voice and the loud, loud wind.

"I think so," says Phil. "Why didn't I mic the ghost?"

"I'm saying it would make your job a lot easier if you mic the ghost, yes."

"If I could mic a ghost, I'd be a millionaire."

"Then you better get on it, eh?" Chris laughs, spinning a bit faster. Phil has never seen the man sleep. It's a little bit worrying.

"Sure," Phil says, giving up on trying to teach any logic to someone who's clearly long lost their hold on it. "Next time I spend all night in a graveyard, I'll mic any spirits that might be hanging out."

"Shut up," Sophie tells them, mild.

Chris mimes zipping his lips, wrapping an easy arm around her waist, and PJ laughs.

For the first few months they all lived together, Phil had struggled to keep up with whatever dynamics were going on between the three of them, but he's long since given it up as something he's not going to understand.

After a moment of quiet, Sophie nods. "I hear it," she tells them. Even with the headphones on, she's quiet. "It's not words, I wouldn't put any subtitles over it."

"Yeah," PJ agrees. "Just let your audience duke it out in the comments like they always do."

"Thanks, guys," Phil says, feeling a sort of warmth sink into his shoulders. He notices that Chris is pulling up another application and half-heartedly protests. "Chris, you don't need to edit this one for me. I still haven't paid you for the last video." Or the one before that. Or the three or four previous. Phil has it written down somewhere.

"Don't be stupid," Chris hums, already clicking around erratically. It makes the editor in Phil want to scream, but he has to admit that Chris manages to find more weird visual stuff to isolate than he could on his own.

"I feel bad," says Phil, chewing his lip.

"I've told you," says Chris, "you can pay me back in chores and sexual favours."

PJ's slippered foot knocks against Phil's hip, and he grins brightly when Phil turns to him. "You know, I do have a bit of a laundry backlog."

"Funny thing, that," says Sophie.

Biting back a laugh, Phil shakes his head. "Alright, alright. Everybody leave their laundry in front of my door tomorrow."

"That's a no on the beej, then?" Chris asks, raising a single eyebrow and pointing dramatically at Phil. It has been near two years of this, and Phil is still too afraid to ask if it's a joke.

It's not as if Phil's answer would change if it wasn't a joke, because he's not interested in Chris, and he's especially not interested in becoming entangled in whatever nonsense his housemates have gotten themselves into. But, still, he might be kinder about letting Chris down if he were being genuine.

"That is a no," Phil confirms. "But I will wash your pants."

"Kinky," says Chris. He turns back to the screen and makes an incomprehensible hand gesture. "This is pretty shit. You know that, right?"

Yeah. Phil does know that. It's getting harder and harder to have the same optimism in every video that he'd had when he first started recording his wanderings around the supposedly-haunted places of Rossendale. He'd brought the camera with him when he left, but might have left that optimism behind. Phil only kind of believes in supernatural things - the way he only kind of believes in giraffes or true love - but it's been more fun than anything else to pick up a camera and try to find some evidence.

He's been doing this since he was nineteen, though, and he's getting a little bored by the formula of it all. Go into a haunted place, try to communicate with the spirits, pick up some garbled words or creepy noises, highlight visual oddities like orbs, and let the internet tear it all to shreds. Honestly, he'd have more fun making proper horror at this point in his life.

Phil shrugs and pulls his knees up to his chest. He wants to hide away from the sympathy in Sophie's eyes, from Chris' blunt words. "Yeah. I'm getting kind of... I don't know. Restless."

"Maybe you should ask people to submit things again," PJ suggests. "That went well last time."

It had, actually. Phil had needed to sort through a lot more ridiculous stories and obvious hoaxes than usual, but he'd found some nuggets of gold in all that hay. Or however that saying goes.

"People did like having their stories read out," Phil says slowly. "I'd just need to be extra sure that nobody's, like..."

"Ripping off r/NoSleep," says PJ.

"Yeah, exactly."

"We can help," Sophie says, and Phil could cry at how easily PJ and Chris agree with her.

He really doesn't deserve to have such great people around him. They've got work and lives of their own, but they're always happy to spend time crowded around Phil's computer listening to weird noises together. Phil sometimes wonders what they get out of it. Do they just like helping him, the way he has fun holding the boom for PJ's films or testing Sophie's concoctions? Or are they just as fascinated as Phil by the weirdness of it all? Do they want to see the cool instances of paranormal activity, too? At this point it feels nearly impossible to ask.

"That's going to be a lot of washing pants for me," Phil sighs. He doesn't know how to thank them, not when they always just wave it off.

"Sure is," says PJ. "But you should... ask the audience!"

"Your Chris Tarrant is pretty good," says Phil, only a little surprised by it. PJ's voice is as much of a tool to him as the rest of his body, and it's one he's always been skilled with. The impressions still tend to catch Phil off guard sometimes.

PJ tips an invisible hat. "Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week."

At his friends' not so gentle encouragement, Phil makes a few posts on his socials to ask his followers for new creepy things to explore. It might be the middle of the night in Brighton, but he has a feeling that Chris isn't leaving his desk until he's found every instance of an orb or strange shadow in the fifty minutes of currently uncut footage.

It seems like Sophie is on the same page, because she excuses herself to make tea for everyone. PJ leans over Chris' shoulder and watches the clips without sound, his lips moving as if he's murmuring to himself.

Sometimes this feels more like a group effort than Phil is comfortable with. He's never been very good at asking for help. As grateful as he is, he still itches with the need to take back control of the situation. He uses the slow trickle of fan submissions to distract him from that feeling, because all three of them do make his videos better when he stops being so possessive over his footage. Phil flops onto his back and scrolls through the incoming emails, tweets, and Tumblr messages to see if there's anything promising.

For the most part, the answer is a resounding no. Some things are blatant lies - there are countless ripoffs of films or novels that Phil happens to be familiar with, a few things swiped from creepypasta or subreddits, and his usual amount of conspiracy theorist fans insisting that some high profile person or other is a lizard - but most of it, to Phil's dismay, just doesn't grab his attention the way he wants it to.

Sophie comes back with tea and snacks. She leans her head against Phil's shoulder and watches him cycle through his apps, fact-checking idly and sighing every time something easily proves to be a hoax. Her hair smells like coconut and she makes a soft humming noise every time she lifts the mug to her lips. Her presence alone, small and warm and supportive, is enough to keep Phil from throwing his phone across the room and having a right sulk about how his career is in a tailspin because nobody makes ghosts like they used to. At some point in the night, Sophie's breathing evens out to the point that Phil thinks she's asleep, but then she reaches out to tap a tiny finger to his screen.

"What's this, then?" she murmurs.

Phil has been zoned out entirely for at least fifteen, and he blinks back into reality. There's a new message in his Tumblr inbox, one that seems like it must be over the character limit for asks. He must have submissions turned on or something, that's the only possible explanation for an actual essay being sent to him. It's barely broken into paragraphs with very little punctuation and no capitalization, and Phil has been staring at screens for far too long to try and parse this on his own.

"Can you please make sure this isn't, like, the entire Bee Movie," Phil asks, handing Sophie his phone with only a slight twinge of anxiety. He trusts her not to go snooping, but. Still. "I need to pee."

"Mhm," Sophie hums, already apparently lost in whatever stream-of-consciousness has been dropped into Phil's inbox.

The floorboards in this old Brighton house creak, and Phil has always envied some of his housemates for being able to sidestep the noises. It doesn't seem to matter how long he lives here, how much he tries to avoid making any noise, it's like the floorboards are determined to creak under Phil's weight. He winces as he passes two bedrooms whose occupants surely don't appreciate creaking outside their doors at such an ungodly hour.

At least he doesn't run into any walls this time. The nightlight in the bathroom at the end of the hall is the only thing lighting Phil's way, and he tends to stub his toes on absolutely nothing in this kind of semi-darkness.

When he makes his - very, very creaky - way back to his own room, he's bewildered by the scene that greets him. PJ and Chris have joined Sophie on his bed, and all three of them are poring over Phil's phone as though they're looking at a map to the Holy Grail.

"Hello," Phil says slowly, closing the door behind him. It creaks, too. "You aren't going through my pictures, are you?"

"No," Sophie and PJ chorus without looking up.

"You got nudes on here or something?" Chris asks with a mild sort of interest, clearly also too engaged in Phil's phone to put his all into the flirting.

"I don't," says Phil. It doesn't sound convincing, even though it's true, and he waits for Chris to tease him about it some more. When he doesn't, Phil has to admit that he's curious. "So I guess it isn't a meme or something?"

That makes them look up, in almost comedic synchronicity. Sophie blinks a few times, as if she's coming back to herself. She holds out Phil's phone and shakes her head.

"It's not a meme," she says. "And near as we can tell, it's genuine."

Phil joins them and takes his phone back, adjusting his glasses. His bed really wasn't made for four people, but his housemates have never had any personal space amongst themselves, and Phil isn't one to say no to human contact when he isn't getting it anywhere else.

The message is just as hard to read as it was at first glance, but Phil puts his brain to work. If his friends are reacting like this, it usually means he's in for something good.

hi ok so the thing is that this is completely ridiculous and i dont think its what youre looking for at all but theres a building near my uni thats got a ton of stories around it and it only started happening like this year like it isnt an old obviously haunted type of place but theres a lot of weird shit that goes down there so i found all the references to it online that i could and ive summarized them here (w/ sources ofc im not a dick) and its all just this side of strange so it seems like the sort of thing you might be interested in ok here we go SO

And it goes on like that. Phil feels his eyebrows raising as he clicks the provided links in the following walls of text, which are exactly what they're advertised as. Not a single rickroll in there. Just a handful of posts on Reddit and Facebook and independent blogs about various experiences people have had with a particular abandoned building in -

"I know this place," Phil says, surprised. He looks up at PJ's grin, Sophie's wide eyes, Chris' palms rubbing together in exaggerated interest. "I've been to parties here. Well, okay," he corrects himself before his friends can do it for him, "I've gone with Martyn to parties here and left early."

"Yeah, it isn't far out of Manchester," PJ hums. He bounces in place a bit, like he's suddenly energized enough to go jump on the soonest train up north.

"It didn't seem that weird," says Phil. "It's been a few years, I guess, but it wasn't even that scary."

"Sounds like it's only just started, though," Chris pipes up.

Phil isn't sure how much he likes that. The idea of a place he's been a few times, half an hour from his childhood home, being so suddenly full of haunted activity feels... weird. Still, it's catching his interest in a way that nothing else has in months, so.

"I'll look into it some more tomorrow," he decides, glancing at the time. His brother is probably still awake, to be honest, but Phil doesn't want to be that guy asking 'hey, do you remember the Wilkins place?' before dawn has even broken. Again. He has definitely done that sort of thing in the past. "I'll have plenty of time while I do, what, seventeen loads of laundry?"

"Something like that," PJ laughs. "Want us to clear out?"

As nice as the company and help has been, Phil still feels a rush of relief at the concept of being left alone again. He nods, still scrolling idly through the Wilkins place submission.

It hits him, very literally, too close to home to ignore. He wonders if his fan knows that, if this is somehow an elaborate prank that will end up just wasting Phil's time, but he's too curious to leave it alone. He'll just have to ask around, see if anyone else has heard these murmurings.

Til then, maybe he ought to try and get some sleep. Phil's computer, still open on the editing software, tempts him.

Well. What's another couple hours at this point?

[lilcutieana]

Alive ~ (Robot Kim Seokjin)

Pairing:  Robot! Kim Seokjin| Reader Words: 2k Rating: M (mature), smut in future chapters. Warnings: Strong language, violence, mentions of death and lots of angst  Genre: Hybrid AU, Robot AU  Synapse: A world where hybrids are no longer seen as pets and have been replaced by robots instead. Where robots have feelings, emotions and adapt just the way you need them to. 

So… Which robot would you like to order?

Masterlist || One shots Masterlist ||Chapter 1

                                             Prologue 

After the hybrid human war in South Korea, both humans and hybrids faced tremendous losses. The hybrids now co-existed with humans and humans have reverted back to using robots for their needs instead of owning hybrids.

Hybrids are no longer the pets and slaves, but live proudly alongside humans, have children with them; and, being genetically advanced in every aspect-- they're preferred candidates for every human job. No longer are they experimented on, or created in labs—they’re born naturally now.

The robots are far more advanced now and humane. They come with memories, emotions, functions—all things customized according to the need of the owner. The more money and power you have—the more you are favored. These days not just everyone gets to own a robot of their own. Only the ones who deserve them the most—gets to own them. It’s extremely hard to customize robots after all. Not everyone can do it.

And that is the reason why crimes have significantly increased. No human can stay much longer without releasing their stress and inner hatred onto someone else—be it hybrid or human. Now that it’s taken away—they’ve resorted back to unleashing it on each other.

"Ma’am, our next applicant seems quite the troublesome one. I don't think we can discourage them."

"That's okay Suwon, hand me the form. I'll take it from here." Miyoung smiled at her secretary, looking up from the desktop screen.

Suwon pursed his lips. His grey ears atop his head twitching in annoyance. He didn't like it one bit when the rich and powerful people demanded robots and never cared for them enough. Humans were selfish. The rich-- even more so. They had too much money and time on their hands and destructed everything around them.

"Suwon." Minyoung placed her arms on her lap and turned towards him. "Don't judge every man who is not here for donations, but, to buy from us. Even rich people can have genuine reasons."

"If it’s a birthday present for someone whose choice they aren't even sure about, or a sex toy for their sexually deviant child, or worse-- a punching bag for their aggressive friend—I refuse." Suwon snapped. Turning his head, he glared at the wall, breathing hard. "They are humane, our robots are like a young child, with feelings and no memories. They need love, care, attention to understand the world and then gradually adapt to the owner and they do not, under any circumstances, deserve being treated like absolute shit just because they aren't made of flesh and bones."

"And that's exactly why Suwon, we run multiple tests before taking requests." She licked her lips, a silent command in her voice, "he must have waited long enough, send him in and leave his form with me."

"But, miss, he's ..." Suwon hesitated, the form clutched tight in his hands, his tail flicking behind him nervously.

"I don't pay you to make decisions for me, Suwon." She turned her attention back to her desktop screen, saving the documents she had been working on. A previous request for robot puppy—to help the owner recover from the loss of her puppy in an accident.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. Right away." Suwon left the room with a soft click of the door, followed by Miyoung sighing in her seat. She was just an ordinary robot maker. And now, she ran one of the biggest companies in Asia, producing top-notch robots – who never disappointed. The reason? Their memories were replaceable and could be manipulated. That was the company secret.

Every two years, the robots had to be brought for routine checkup and recovery. A week-long process where they helped the robot heal any trauma or get additional improvements and software upgrades—for a charge, of course.

There were people who couldn’t afford to pay for the robot that they needed to live. And for that, she was the first, and the only company in the world—who accepted them to pay their debts through working. They were trained for a month and sent to houses for a survey of robots, customer satisfaction, suggestion, and other important data. And that was the second key—for the success to her company.

A curt knock on the door, startled her out her reverie, revealing a man in his late fifties—or was it sixties? She couldn’t tell. She was quite bad at the age guessing game. His eyes were a bit sunken in, dark freckles on the left side on his forehead and cheeks, dark skin and a beautiful relaxed smile. He didn’t raise any alarm bells in her yet, and she deemed him safe enough. For now.

“Please, take a seat.” Gesturing towards the couch, she got up from the chair and followed him there. “Would you like something to drink?”

“Ah… No. Thank you for asking, miss.” He smiled back politely and sat down, picking a blue cushion and positioning it over his thighs. “I need a robot for this woman.” Placing a Polaroid photograph of a young hybrid girl on the table between them, the man regarded Miyoung carefully.

“Do you know for sure that’s exactly what she wants?”

“Yes. That’s exactly what Y/N needs. A robot of her own who she can trust not to leave or to die.” He nodded solemnly. “I’ve known her for a little over five years and with time—her depression and anxiety got worse. But not that my son’s no more, who she had been dating for a few years, she’s losing herself. She’s dying on her own—wouldn’t accept any care, is being ridiculously stubborn too. I just don’t know any other way.”

“I see. A care bot then.” Miyoung nodded to herself, her eyes darkening. “I’ll need you to fill up a form and add all specifications before we can decide on further things.”

The man nodded and licked his lips. Clasping his hands over his thighs, he looked around the office, his gaze sharp and calculating. “Can the robot’s memories be manipulated?”

The question came out of nowhere and Miyoung, was absolutely not expecting this question out of all others to come from a harmless looking man.

“Yes, they can be. But not by the ones who own the robot.” She answered carefully, gauging his reactions to the new revelation. The public didn’t know much about robots—except their types and their functions.

He slumped in his seat, relaxed. “That’s a relief. I wouldn’t want someone else tampering with its memories. Even though a robot—I believe they’d have their own personality, feelings, and emotions.”

“That’s right. They do. They’re almost the same as a human, just more innocent.” Miyoung smiled back, relieved. Her doubts about the man melting away. He might be rich, but he had a better understanding. He wasn’t as bad as her secretary had made him out to be.

“There’s something… I’d like you to know beforehand.” He leaned forward with his hands clasped over his knees. “The reason behind my son’s death is still unclear. Though she needs all the care, I’m worried about the robot that would replace my son in her life. I need the robot to be strong enough to defend itself.”

Miyong’s heart sunk. She knew the request couldn’t have been as simple. Either he was threatening her, or maybe he didn’t need the robot to protect the girl—rather to spy on her. To maybe find out about his son’s death. She wondered what his real intentions were. Did he suspect the girl as a murderer?  

“I’ll look into it and prepare a bot according to the form you’ll be filling up. There will be people discharged to get a feel of your place and to survey different things. Don’t be too alarmed.” Miyoung nodded, a smile on her lips that were just as fake as her lashes.

What had she got herself into?

═══════ ⋆★⋆ ════════ 

“Y/N, a bright young woman of twenty-three, mourning over the death of her lover of age twenty-eight, lives in a house they both owned at the upper rich side of Seoul.” A lanky boy in his late teens, huffed along behind a tall, broad-shouldered and lean man dressed immaculately in a suit, carrying two suitcases while scaling the unending steps to said house.

“She refuses to eat, drink or even talk to anyone. She’s resigned to staying inside their shared bedroom and you—as handsome as you are—are expected to get her out of her slump. That’s your task.” Nodding to himself, he stopped and stared both ways, looking for the address he was supposed to drop off the handsome robot in. Delivery was always a pain in his ass.

“So you agree I’m handsome?” The robot turned around, his stoic expression turning into one of pure innocence and wonder.

“There’s nothing to agree upon, you know? That’s just the way you were designed.” The boy averted his eyes to the side, his neck flushing a faint pink. “Anyway, that’s all you heard from all the important stuff I’ve been raving about?”

The man shrugged his shoulders, a pensive look on his face. “I’ll figure it out somehow. How bad can a dog hybrid be?”

“You just cursed yourself to doom.”

“I’ll deal with it. So… when do we get to eat?” he asked excited, his eyes sparkling under the sun, and his blonde hair making his caramel skin look paler than it was.

“Whenever you decide to cook the countless recipes saved in your memory.” Looking around, the boy’s eyes fixated on a fairly large mansion to their right. Its yard looking more intimidating than welcoming. “Looks like we’ve made it here. This is as far as I go.”

“Yeah, thanks, man. I’ll carry these suitcases from here.” The robot picked up the heavy suitcases from the teen’s hands as if they were just textbooks. “Stop looking at me like I’m the Ironman. I’ll miss you. Its been fun the past week learning with you.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I was only doing my job.” Patting his elbow, the boy turned around, his ears a bright pink as he continued walking away—kicking a stray pebble along.

Giggling to himself, the suited man straightened his jacket and bit his lip. Well, he hadn’t expected to come to stay at such a luxurious home. Well, he supposed he’d enjoy his stay while it lasted.

Dragging his suitcases behind him, he walked forward with a new purpose, the gates opening on their own as soon as they scanned him. The gravel path crunched under his boots—a gift from the one who had designed him, the foliage around was trimmed to perfection, even the water in the little fountain had been sparkling and shimmering. The house was indeed well looked after—at least from the outside.

Then why was the owner not looked after? Why did she need him?

Knocking on the ornate door with a simple floral design, he wasn’t one bit surprised when nobody opened it for him. Sighing, he slumped against the door, dropping the handles of the suitcases he’d been carrying.

“Y/N… I know you’re watching me, and probably listening to me too.” Licking his suddenly dry lips, he continued, “I’m Kim Seokjin, here to be your caregiver. Won’t you let me in?”

Though he was right, she was watching him and listening to him from the other side of the door, what he didn’t know was how broken she was and how much those very words affected her.

They meant a completely different thing to her. Those were the exact words he had spoken to her the first time they met. The words she never wanted to hear again. 

Prologue || Chapter 1

[0ldsold1ers]

coffee days and movie nights

Reaper76 week, MONDAY: we can be heroes / SEP

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17840567

Gabe’s had his eye on Jack all week.

It’s been a long one, even by his standards. He’s seen fifteen active war zones at this point in his prior service and training for the SEP, met hundreds of different squad members and buried more than half of them. His muscles are getting stronger and he’s faster, taller, better than he’s ever been before – and it’s still not enough.

The crisis isn’t getting better, the Omnics are getting smarter, and the SEP as a whole really doesn’t seem to be working too well.

There had been thirty of them originally, the best of the best, hand-picked and nominated by at least three superior officers each. Between them, there must have been a hundred medals. Each soldier was assigned a number according to alphabetical order, and the clandestine experiments had begun.

The mutations had followed pretty soon after.

Haroldson was the first to leave training. Had woken yelling in the night after a particularly gruelling forty mile run and been taken to the hospital wing. He’d never come back. Then Jones had started vomiting in the middle of dinner, blood spattered on the table. Williams’ fingernails had started to flake off on a mission in Vietnam – that had only been the start for her, rest her soul.

The numbers dwindled as the programme continued, until the government decided to simply recruit more. It wasn’t ethical, but they were at war and they weren’t winning. (Gabriel had spent an afternoon scrubbing latrines after arguing back. Nothing had happened to him yet, but the waiting was almost worse. Why should some other poor bastard go through the same?)

Adjustments were made to the dosages, more safety measures were put in place, and the numbers went up to fifty. And then up to one hundred before the higher-ups finally decided they weren’t going to be able to create an army like this. Besides, for the recruits who hadn’t died or ended up in the terminal hospital ward, the effects were beyond what was expected.

(Never mind the fact that only twenty-four out of one hundred had lived.)

The only bonus of there being so few of them now, is that Gabriel can actually get to know some of this squad – his squad, actually. Like Jack, for example.

He was a couple of years Gabe’s junior, the baby of the group, but that didn’t mean much in practice. The man had been recommended after saving six of his squad in Egypt and received a couple of medals to boot. He had courage in buckets, and a damn good head on his shoulders according to all reports.

None of those reports had mentioned how fucking handsome he was, on top of all that.

Sunny, golden hair shining over the bluest blue Gabriel had seen since he’d left the skies of California. And Gabriel is pretty straight, he should put that down in writing now, but if he was ever going to get down and dirty with another guy, he knows who his pick would be.

He just feels this strange need to get to know him, and he knows he isn’t alone in feeling like this. He’s discussed this with others in the squad, men and women – Jack Morrison is magnetic. There’s just something so unassuming and wholesome about him, hidden under boyish grins and stupid jokes. Gabriel knows there must be more layers there. He really wants to uncover them.

(That sounds a lot dirtier than he’d intended it to.)

But the two of them get to be pretty good friends pretty damn fast, and his opportunity to really get to know the farm boy comes sooner than expected.

It’s been a long, shitty day. The latest batch of injections is playing complete havoc with his immune system – one minute he’s feeling like he’s on the world’s highest caffeine burst, the next his muscles are aching so badly he can barely stand as he vomits out what feels like his last six meals.

Every member of the squad has a slightly different schedule, and for the first time, his and Jack’s have coincided. The younger man is still earlier in the programme and experiencing some of the nastier effects – his anatomy is still shifting around a lot. And when Gabriel bumps into him leaving the sick bay, looking particularly pale, it’s a deadly mix of sympathy and intrigue that prompts him to say:

“Hey, Morrison. Movie night tonight?”

And Jack sort of looks at him without really seeing, but replies, “Sure thing, commander.”

And that’s the extent of the conversation. But Gabe’s got something to look forward to now, something to keep him going through the day, and he spends ammunitions training that afternoon debating over what film to pick before having to run to the bathroom again and being sent back to his quarters by his CO.

It’s seven by the time he hears the doorbell to his quarters ring and he almost trips over himself to get to the door.

Jack’s stood there looking a little peaky but a whole lot more alive than he had earlier, and Gabriel welcomes him in.

“Nice place you got here, commander.” He jokes, looking around at the non-existent décor. The only reason they got individual quarters here were the vulnerable immune systems as a result of the SEP process. The organisers had learnt the hard way after a cold virus had wiped out six of the applicants.

“Thanks, I made it myself,” he replies as he made his way to the kitchenette, “And please, Gabe. Drink?”

“You got any juice?” Jack asks, and Gabriel laughs.

“Don’t worry about the doctors finding out, man, how about a proper drink?”

There’s a wry smile on his face as he replies, “I don’t drink alcohol.” Gabriel looks at him curiously. There’s a story there, but Jack doesn’t seem willing to share right now.

“Tea or coffee then?” He’s already decided he won’t be drinking if Jack isn’t. It’s no fun on your own.

“Coffee, thanks.” He says, dropping heavily onto the couch. “What film are we watching, then?”

Gabriel brings over two mugs, hands one to Jack and loads up his laptop. “I couldn’t decide in the end, so figured I’d give you a choice. Star Wars, or La La Land?” He feels he’s covering his bases here; he has to like either musicals or action films.

Jack snorts out the first sip he’d taken of his drink. “Bit of a choice there.”

Gabriel puts his hands on his hips. “Don’t tell me you’re too much of a man to enjoy a beautifully-shot love story with glorious musical numbers.”

Jack smiles, something mischievous there. “Fine, La La Land it is.”

Gabriel realises his mistake about twenty minutes into the film. It’s not that Jack doesn’t like musicals – completely the opposite.

“See, this is my main problem. Everyone keeps banging on about this film as a musical, but the music is incidental. True musicals use the numbers as exposition and story-telling. This is a film about music, not a musical.”

And the complaining doesn’t stop. “Why is the one black speaking role in a film about jazz the villain?” when Keith arrived. “See, this would be an actual song if it was a musical, not some cruddy dance silhouette.” when they danced in the observatory. “And she actually agreed?” when Mia got back in the car with Sebastian.

“Are you able to actually enjoy films?” Gabriel finally asks, mildly exasperated (but amused).

Jack gives him a look. “It’s not my fault you can’t pick a good musical.”

“Fine, what is a good musical?” he says challengingly, because he loves a good film debate even if musicals aren’t his first choice when he’s on his own. And he’s maybe a little bit desperate to know more about the soldier as well.

“Chicago. Cabaret. Les Misérables, but only on stage. I’m a big fan of Hamilton as well.” He says, eyes sparkling a little bit as he lists them off.

“I’ve seen Hamilton.” Gabriel volunteers, getting up to make more drinks and retrieve a blanket from the bedroom.

Jack says something he doesn’t really hear as he pulls the blanket off his bed. “What was that?” he asks as he throws the blanket in Jack’s direction.

The younger man doesn’t reply for a second, blushing a little bit. “I went with my boyfriend.”

The words have a strange effect on Gabe. Finding out Jack is gay is… interesting. It doesn’t change much really. Nothing at all. It just wasn’t expected.

He isn’t really sure how he’s supposed to react, but Jack’s watching him, worry starting to turn to anxiety and resentment, so he forces himself to spit out a reply. “Sounds like he has good taste in musicals, even if his taste in men is debatable.”

Jack laughs, and Gabriel knows he got it right. This is fine. Friendly teasing. Nothing more.

“I keep telling him he’s too good for me.” Jack admits, eyes crinkling just a little at the corners.

“What’s his name?” Gabriel asks, smiling unconsciously in the face of such love.

“Vincent,” Jack says, pulling the blanket over his legs, “He’s a journalist.”

Gabriel hands him the refilled mug and starts Star Wars quietly in the background. He’s not really intending to watch it. “You sound like you love him a lot. Why’d you leave him for this hell?” It’s only half a joke.

Jack does that weird little eyebrow twitch he does sometimes – in the future, Gabriel will understand he only does it when he’s telling a half-truth. “I have to protect him. People like him. There’s a lot of people back home...” He trails off, and Gabriel fills in the blanks. Jack seems like a family guy. Probably tons of siblings, local town, saw his small life decimated by Omnics and reality came crashing in. He’s heard the story before. He lets it go for now.

*

They’re doing an endless circuit of laps of the field when Jack falls into step beside him. Neither of them are really out of breath – they’ve only been going for half an hour so far. It’ll be a while before any of the platoon are really winded.

There’s a comfortable silence between them for a moment, but Gabriel can sense it’s going somewhere.

“Why did you join the SEP anyway, Gabe?” He asks, never breaking his gaze from the field ahead.

The green grass is erased for a moment, and Gabriel is back in the broom cupboard in his mother’s disintegrating house. He’s holding his shaking little sister against his chest and praying she won’t open the door.

He shakes his head, and it’s gone again. Back in the memory banks. He thought he’d finally banished that one. “Same as you. I got people I want to protect, Morrison.”

Jack nods thoughtfully, and Gabriel knows it’s only a temporary acceptance. That’s fine – he’s got another thing coming if he thinks he can get to Gabriel Reyes’ secrets first.

*

Jack corners him as they’re coming out of the showers later. “Movie night at mine tonight.”

Gabriel looks at him, amused. “You going to show me what good film choice is?”

Jack stares back, his look calculated. “Maybe.”

Four hours later, Gabriel stares at him, unamused. “You’re a walking cliché, boy scout.”

The iconic shield of Captain America glares out from the screen. Of fucking course it does.

Jack, for his part, does go a little red. “It’s a great film!”

Gabriel just laughs. “You’re not allowed to pick anymore.”

*

There’s a bunch of them out drinking one night – a visiting special ops squad from Egypt is here to help resolve a conflict with some rebels in Sudan, and they’ve all suffered losses. Gabriel finds himself sat next to a sniper – her name’s Ana, and she’s supposedly the best in the world. It’s not even supposedly – he’d seen the enemy dropping like flies earlier and wouldn’t have been able to tell you where the hell she was situated if he’d had half an hour to stop time and observe the battlefield.

He tells her as much, and she sniffs, a smile poking at the corners of her mouth. “Americans really are wrapped up in their own little worlds.” She’s flattered though, and happy enough for him to notice as much. There’s a quiet confidence to her which Gabriel is immediately drawn to. She knows exactly how good she is. This is the sort of person Gabriel wants watching his back.

“What made you sign up?” He asks her later, a couple of bottles of beer already put away. They’re having very little effect but to make him more confident. Jack’s wrapped up in conversation with Torres from their squad, but he catches Gabe’s eye and smiles.

“I have a daughter. Fareeha.” She smiles and retrieves a picture from a fold in her armour. There’s a grinning little girl in a summer dress smiling out at him, and Gabriel feels himself smiling in response.

“She’s lovely.” He takes another swig from his drink.

“What about you, Gabriel?” She asks, sipping her own whiskey. Alcohol isn’t commonly drunk in Egypt, but they’re making an exception tonight. Tonight, is for feeling alive after so many have died.

“I… used to have a sister.” He doesn’t make eye contact with Ana. Jack is looking at him – he’s clearly heard, but doesn’t comment, turning back to his conversation. “She died when my town was attacked by Omnics.” He doesn’t mention that the only reason she was out was Gabriel had made her run away with him.

He risks a glance, and Ana looks sympathetic but not pitying. She’s probably heard a hundred stories like his, and he’s done feeling sorry for himself. There’s a whole other world of people he has to protect now. He’ll do better this time.

They leave the bar an hour later, Ana’s number in his phone, and Gabriel finds himself falling behind. He sort of wants the solitude, but Jack falls back to walk beside him. There’s quiet for a minute before:

“I only had my dad. My mum died when I was eight, and they never had more kids. I don’t think they really wanted me in the first place.” He laughs without humour. “He was never really… there. If you know what I mean.” And Gabriel does, he understands absent parents even when the space is filled. “The Omnics came and then even he was gone, and all I had to look after was Vincent. I couldn’t lose him as well.”

Gabriel nods. Jack Morrison is beginning to make a lot more sense. No wonder they click so well. “I made my sister leave home with me. She wasn’t safe staying there, and then she died. So now I have to make it up to her memory.”

“You know that wasn’t your fault, right?” Jack asks him.

Gabriel nods. “My brain does. But I guess the rest of me doesn’t?” He laughs a little self-consciously. “I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself.”

Jack throws an arm around his shoulder and pulls him into his side. Gabriel is still a little taller, hopefully always will be, but Jack’s warm and cosy against him. His skin feels like it’s on fire, and he can’t remember the last time he peeled away this many layers for another person. They part too soon and Gabriel feels more alone than ever when he stands in the middle of his empty quarters.

*

“Movie night?” He asks as he passes Jack in the corridor, and the blond nods once with a smile before they part ways once more.

He’s got something good lined up for this evening.

Jack’s face is unreadable in his quarters that night.

Gabriel is worried he won’t like the film – how can you not? “How are we feeling about Moulin Rouge?” He asks, making the coffee without really thinking anymore. Movie nights are becoming a welcome addition to his routine.

Jack looks at him. “Can’t remember seeing it. It was my mum’s favourite.”

Gabriel panics. “Do you want me to pick something else? There’s a really bad film I think you’d love, The Room, it’s-“ He gabbles, before Jack interrupts him with a wry smile.

“It’s fine, Gabe, honestly. I just haven’t seen it in a long time.” Jack smiles at him reassuringly before stealing his mug from Gabriel’s hands and dropping onto the sofa. He slings his legs into Gabriel’s lap the second he sits down. Neither of them says anything about it.

Gabriel keeps a close eye on Jack’s face throughout the film, but he seems to enjoy it. It ends up Gabriel who cries through the last ten minutes (as he always does), and Jack shifts his position, leaning his back on Gabriel with his legs hanging off the other end of the sofa. The warm weight of his friend is so comfortable and he’d be happy to sit here for days like this.

His eyes widen – that’s not a good thought. They can’t sit here for days like this, this isn’t the way their relationship works. They have banter, they mock each other relentlessly, and sure they have each other’s backs, but they aren’t the centre of each other’s worlds. Jack already has a centre and his name is Vincent, and Gabriel doesn’t even want to be a pillar for the other man.

Or maybe he does.

He realises this as the end credits roll, and Jack’s heavy breathing as he falls asleep against Gabe make him hyper aware of the blonde’s chest rising and falling.

Gabriel Reyes is possibly not as straight as he thought he was.

He’s also possibly a little bit in love with his best friend.

Shit.

*

[nanalikessurveys]

What were you doing before you started taking this survey? I took another one. Do you live somewhere where it’s completely safe to walk alone at night? I wouldn’t say it’s completely safe anywhere in the world since there’s always a possibility of something bad happening you know. But generally speaking yes, it’s safe. Have you ever lived with someone who was a total slob? Noo. Would you rather be able to talk to animals or be fluent in every language? This is always a tough one, but maybe I’d rather talk to animals. Does your kitchen have a pantry? No.

Do you live below your means? Or do you spend every penny you have? I don’t have any major financial problems but sometimes for some reason I act like I have all the money in the world and spend way too much. What are some foods you enjoy cooking? I enjoy cooking oven baked-foods the most since I don’t like messing around with the stove that much.

Have you ever watched Battlestar Galactica? No. Can others often tell what you’re feeling by your facial expressions? I guess so, but I wouldn’t call myself super expressive though. Have you ever interviewed a job applicant at your workplace? No. Did you ever skip class when you were in school? If so, was there a particular class that you skipped the most? In middle school and the first year of high school yes. I was battling with anxiety and that restricted my life a lot. I couldn’t go to school at all in 9th grade so I had to be homeschooled for that year. Are you happy with the life you’re living? Not fully but I’ve been a lot worse. I wish I could go back like 2 years and tell myself that things do work out in the end.  ^If no, why not? Are you taking any steps to improve things and be happier? I’m not fully happy because I still battle with my mental health which restricts my life in some ways. I can’t have a job right now and I have to study online from home. I’ve attented therapy for the past 7(?) years and it’s been a really long process but I’m slowly starting to get better. Have you ever gone over 3 months without shaving/waxing your legs? Yes, I’m naturally blonde so most of my body hair is really light and fine as well. No one can really see my leg hair unless they come really close to my legs lol. Are you high-maintenance? Nope. What was the last non-fiction book you read? It was a book about individual freedom by a finnish philosopher, Ruurik Holm. I read it because of my studies. Would you ever consider being a foster parent? I have thought of that but I’m not sure. Are you able to crack any of your joints? My fingers, toes, neck and spine. What’s your favorite movie genre? Thrillers, drama, horror and historical movies are probably my favorites. I also love movies that are based on true stories regardless of the genre. What’s something that’s been on your mind a lot lately? School, mostly. What was the last thing someone asked you for advice on? My friend asked for my opinion on which nail polish she should wear for her sister’s wedding lol. Have you ever kissed 3 or more people in the same day? No. What’s your opinion on lottery tickets? Waste of money, or no? They suck assss. They’re a waste of money for sure, you very rarely win anything, and if you do, you get addicted to buying more of them in hopes of winning more and then losing all the money again. Speaking from my own personal experience. What are some things that make others cry, that don’t make you cry at all? Uhh, I don’t cry because of movies?  Do you have any upcoming plans with friends? We’re probably seeing each other in a few weeks but nothing has been confirmed yet. What was the last picture message you received, and from whom? From my friend, she sent me a picture of her at her sister’s wedding. Have you ever swam in a saltwater pool? I’ve been in a saltwater pool but I didn’t swim in it. What color suits you more: teal or black? Probably black. I don't even own any teal clothes.   What continent do you live on? Europe.

[lissahawthorne]

shifting sights

Who: Clarissa Hawthorne

When: mid 2007 - mid 2008, ft. mentions of 2005

Where: nowhere specific / an eye doctor’s office

What: The starts of Clarissa’s journey with her sight loss and how she shifted her sights from archery to occupational therapy because of it.

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1855

Notes: This is part 1 of 3. Part 2. Part 3.

Clarissa had always been good about protecting her eyes and keeping them healthy. As an archer, her eyes were just as important as her arms, if not more so. There were ways to continue to compete if one lost their arms. There were far less when it came to losing eyesight. Hard to hit a target you can’t see and all that. She did her best not to strain her eyes, made sure to not play video games for too long, and always took constant breaks. Didn’t binge watch shows or spend too long in front of a screen of any kind. She took every precaution she could with her eyes, just as she did the rest of her body.

Losing her eyesight came out of nowhere.

She’d noticed the changes as early as fifteen. It wasn’t anything drastic, at first. A little blurry, a little painful if she did too much, but nothing entirely out of the ordinary. Her family did have a history of eye problems as it were. It felt natural, in a couple of ways. But that didn’t mean it was something to take lightly. So, she’d told her parents and they got her in with an eye doctor. Nothing seemed wrong and she got her first pair of glasses/contacts then.

Over the next year and a half, however, her prescription changed multiple times. Each change was more drastic and confusing than the last. To the point that tests had to be run, because a seemingly healthy teenager shouldn’t be losing their eyesight as fast as Clarissa was. Even if she used her eyes significantly more than most likely did. She took care of her eyes, what was happening definitely wasn’t damage she was doing herself.

It was terrifying, knowing her eyes were getting worse by the moment, and in no real discernible pattern. Her non-dominant eye was definitely receiving the brunt of the loss, which didn’t really make sense. If it was something caused by eyestrain, which was often what left her in pain, it should have been her dominant eye going first. There was no obvious reason why what was happening to her was happening and it even seemed to baffle the doctors she’d seen. Which, admittedly, did nothing to assuage the fears and anxiety that Clarissa had over the entire ordeal.

For Clarissa, her eyesight was everything. She was a world champion in archery. She’d competed at the Junior Olympics and won gold several times over the years. She was slated to compete for Italy in the 2008 Olympic games in Beijing. Archery was her entire life. The idea that she might have to give that up was devastating. Especially because she didn’t entirely know what else she might want to do with her life. Archery had been the goal, had been the dream. Continue competing, maybe go to college. Losing her sight wasn’t in the books.

In mid-2007, after months and months of testing between trips back and forth to Italy and applying to a couple colleges, both in the states and abroad, Clarissa got an answer. It wasn’t the answer she’d been looking for, and certainly wasn’t one she wanted to hear, but it was the answer she’d honestly expected to receive. At least sort of.

“We don’t know why, but you are losing your sight at an accelerated rate. The loss is a steady rate in both eyes but uneven between them. You’re definitely losing more sight in your right eye than in your left, likely because it started deteriorating first. We’ll do more testing to confirm that for sure and to see what else we can find out.” While his words were gentle, it didn’t stop the weight of them from hitting Clarissa like a truck.

“I’m going blind?” As much as she’d known that was exactly what was happening, as it didn’t take a genius to know that, her voice still shook as she asked. It felt like her entire world was crashing down around her and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

“I’m afraid so.” He was trying to be as gentle as he could, that much was obvious, but it didn’t particularly help. There was no amount of gentleness that could detract from the utter sense of loss Clarissa was experiencing.

“And you don’t know why? Is there not some sort of disease or something that explains this?” People didn’t just lose their sight, not at her age. Not without a reason. How did they not know?

“All the testing we’ve done thus far has come up inconclusive. We’ll keep testing, but… As of now, we lack an explanation.” The doctor gave a small smile. “We’ll do what we can to help you figure this out.”

“What about archery? How much longer am I going to be able to see? Can I still compete?” She could feel her breathing catch in her chest. The threat of tears, of a breakdown creeping in the longer she sat there, fiddling with her own fingers.

“Your eyes should hold out for a number of years and you may not even lose your sight entirely. It’s hard to tell, especially without knowing what exactly is causing it. You’ll need stronger prescriptions, but ultimately, will still be able to compete, for now.”

For now.

It should have been an upside. It wasn’t.

She’d ask dozens of more questions before leaving the office that day. Clarissa wanted to know everything she could about what was going on. She wanted to know if there were any ways to counteract what was happening, or at least ways to try and keep the pace from speeding up. The doctor didn’t necessarily have any of the answers, but it was agreed that they’d figure it out as best they could. She was scheduled for numerous tests and while she left the office with her head held high, it was more for show than anything.

She got home that evening and cried. She cried until her eyes gave up. Until everything was blurry no matter what she did, until they ached and stung. Then she cried some more. There had been no amount of preparation she could have done to prevent the way the news affected her. Not really. It was one thing to suspect something but something entirely different to actually have it be confirmed.

The news had broken her heart. There was no denying it, she’d have to give up archery. Maybe not right away, she could still compete in at least one Olympic games, but after that, after all the years of work she’d put into it, archery wouldn’t be her end all. Even if she didn’t go completely blind, there wasn’t much hope that her eyes would just suddenly stop deteriorating. At some point, even with the aid of glasses or contacts, her vision would be too poor to compete. That was something she knew for sure, even if the doctor had tried his best to convince her that wasn’t the case.

Her career as an archer wasn’t something sustainable, her eyes were going to make sure of that. She’d have to come up with something else.

The first step was deciding what she wanted to do about her diagnosis. She decided not to reveal her sight loss. She saw no point in making it known that she was going blind. People lost their sight all the time and without answers it would just make it more difficult. Besides, it wasn’t like it would hinder anything, not yet. Her contact prescription got stronger and her eyes tired out faster, but life was still relatively the same. No sense alarming anyone else to the changes that would come in time.

From there, she looked into careers and the ways to get there. While she’d already sent off a number of applications for colleges, she hadn’t actually specified a major, figuring she’d dabble a bit in everything to find something she wanted to do. That view changed when she realized that college was more about setting up for the rest of her life than just something to pass the time between competitions. She had to decide going in, no matter which college she decided to attend.

So, she started researching. Deciding what she wanted to do with her life. Where it was she wanted to go and how she wanted to get there. As much as she enjoyed languages and the learning of them, they weren’t really a practical route to take. There was too much reading and writing involved in anything related to languages and the careers that one could obtain through them. She knew a lot about working out, the human body, sports. So, she decided to look into things that related to that knowledge in some way. See if what she’d learned as an archer could get her anywhere in life.

Her final college application was for the University of Pittsburgh, looking to declare a major in Rehab Science. She wanted to help people, wanted to be able to make a difference in the world. Her knowledge of the human body and how it worked would be useful with that. From there, she decided on becoming an occupational therapist, as it seemed like the best way to do so. Not only because it would allow her to help others, but she’d learn how to help herself in the process. Pittsburgh had one of the best rehab science programs available, with the ability to go directly into a doctor of Occupational Therapy degree upon graduation. It made the most sense for her to go there, but she explored other options to achieve the same elsewhere, in case she didn’t get accepted.

When her acceptance letter came in the mail, Clarissa couldn’t have been happier. As much as archery meant to her and as much as it had shaped her entire life, much as growing up across seven countries had, it was exciting, in it’s own way, to be changing direction. Shifting her sights to something that was, admittedly, far more reasonable a future than relying solely on archery to get her through life. It was terrifying too. The idea that everything she knew was changing, and not necessarily for the better. There was no telling what might happen, if she’d actually like what she’d decided upon. If she’d be able to make a living doing it. It was new territory, but a challenge she was willing to take on. And not just because she didn’t technically have a choice.

With her acceptance into U of Pitt, Clarissa headed to Beijing with her head held high, sights set on the gold and a future that seemed to be shining just as brightly. Sure, it wasn’t the same dream she’d had, the future she’d been expecting, but it was something worth celebrating. It was a life still worth living, despite the literal darkness that was creeping into her vision somewhat constantly. Just because she was losing her sight, didn’t mean she was losing everything. There were still things to look forward to and targets to hit.

[newstfionline]

Saturday, June 19, 2021

UN: Millions driven from homes in 2020 (AP) The U.N. refugee agency says war, violence, persecution and human rights violations caused nearly 3 million people to flee their homes last year, even though the COVID-19 crisis restricted movement worldwide as countries shut borders and ordered lockdowns. In its latest Global Trends report released on Friday, UNHCR says the cumulative total of displaced people has risen to 82.4 million—roughly the population of Germany. It marks the ninth straight annual increase in the number of people forcibly displaced. Filippo Grandi, the United Nations high commissioner for refugees, said conflict and the impact of climate change in places such as Mozambique, Ethiopia’s Tigray region and Africa’s broad Sahel area were among the leading sources of new movements of refugees and internally displaced people in 2020.

The pandemic and your teeth (Washington Post) Beyond its psychological toll, the coronavirus pandemic has wreaked havoc on our bodies: Many people have put on pounds, picked at their skin, broken their toes—and, according to dentists, damaged their teeth. As more Americans return to dental offices, practitioners say they’re seeing a significant rise in tooth-grinding and jaw-clenching likely brought on by pandemic-related stress and anxiety. They’re also seeing an increase in cavities and gum disease that may be due to a combination of lapsed appointments, pandemic eating and drinking habits, and less-than-stellar brushing and flossing. In a February survey conducted by the American Dental Association, 76 percent of general practice dentists said the prevalence of teeth-grinding, or bruxism, among their patients had increased compared to pre-pandemic times. About two-thirds reported seeing a rise in associated problems of chipped and cracked teeth as well as headache and jaw pain symptoms, the survey found. Meanwhile, about 30 percent of respondents said they observed more tooth decay and periodontal disease, an infection of the tissues surrounding teeth, in their patients.

Tropical system to bring heavy rain, flooding to Gulf Coast (AP) Forecasters predict a tropical system will bring heavy rain, storm surge and coastal flooding to the northern Gulf Coast as early as Friday and throughout the weekend. A tropical storm warning was in effect for parts of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Florida—extending from Intracoastal City, Louisiana, to the Okaloosa-Walton County line in the Florida Panhandle, according to the National Hurricane Center in Miami. The system is expected to produce up to 8 inches (20 centimeters) of rain across the Yucatán Peninsula of Mexico, and up to 12 inches (30 centimeters) through the weekend along the central U.S. Gulf Coast.

‘El Chapo’ has been locked up for 5 years, but business has never been better for the Sinaloa cartel (Business Insider) It’s been five years since Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán was arrested for the last time. He’s been in a US “supermax” prison since 2017, serving a life sentence after being found guilty of all 10 federal charges he faced. But according to official US data, security analysts, and some of his own lawyers, business has never been better for his cartel. At the time, US authorities said Guzmán’s arrest was “a significant victory and a milestone” in combating violence and drug trafficking. Richard Donoghue, former US attorney for the Eastern District of New York, said Guzmán would never again “pour poison into our country or make millions as innocent lives are lost.” While El Chapo has been portrayed as a guiding force for the infamous Sinaloa Cartel, his organization and other criminal groups don’t seem to miss him.      According to official US figures, since Guzmán’s arrest the influx of drugs into the US and the violence in Mexico have never been worse. Cocaine seizures in the US jumped from more than 52,000 pounds in 2016 to more than 62,000 pounds the following year. The total for 2021, as of April, is 62,324 pounds. In 2015, with Guzmán still at large, 29,000 pounds of meth were recovered in the US. Five years later, with El Chapo locked up, seizures inside the US jumped to 117,600 pounds. So if El Chapo is locked up for 23 hours a day in a 7-foot-by-12-food soundproof cell but drug busts are at an all-time high, what exactly was the point in arresting him? Guzmán’s arrest has also failed to reduce bloodshed in Mexico. Homicides there have steadily risen in recent years, jumping from about 10,000 a year in 2014 to almost 20,000 in 2020, the highest annual total in Mexican history. Criminal organizations in Mexico have proliferated, from 20 in 2000 to more than 200 in 2021. That growth is due in large part to the fragmentation of larger cartels after their leaders have been captured or killed.

After Pandemic and Brexit, U.K. Begins to See Gaps Left by European Workers (NYT) Agnieszka Bleka has had to work hard in past years to find companies that need workers, spending much of her day reaching out to local businesses in the northern English city of Preston where she is based. But now, Ms. Bleka, who owns Workforce Consultants, a company that finds jobs in Britain for mostly Eastern and Central Europeans, said that she was fielding several calls a day from companies looking for temporary staff, and that she can’t keep up with the demand. “The fish pond is getting smaller,” she said. “And people are picking and choosing the jobs, or leaving as well, going to their home countries.” Free movement between Britain and Europe technically ended at the start of 2021 because of Brexit, but the effects were masked by strict pandemic travel restrictions. Only lately, as the economy picks up steam, is the new reality beginning to be fully felt. And there is little question that many companies are having considerable trouble filling jobs.

It’s Not Too Late to Avert a Historic Shame (The Atlantic) In the past few weeks, the outlook for Afghans who helped the United States in Afghanistan has gone from worrying to critical. As U.S. and NATO troops leave the country with breathtaking speed, the Taliban are attacking districts that had long been in the Afghan government’s hands, setting up checkpoints on major roads, and threatening provincial capitals. Many of the 18,000 Afghans who, along with their families, have applied for Special Immigrant Visas will soon have nowhere to hide, no armed force standing between them and their pursuers. The unfolding disaster has seized the attention of international organizations, American news outlets, veterans’ groups, and members of Congress. On June 4, a bipartisan coalition of House members (many of them veterans), called the Honoring Our Promises Working Group, released a passionate statement that urged the Biden administration to skip the cumbersome ordeal of reviewing thousands of visa applications and instead evacuate these Afghans and their families to the U.S. territory of Guam, where they can be processed in safety. (The governor of Guam has declared that the island is prepared to accept them.)      The Association of Wartime Allies, a veterans’ group, keeps a tracker of how many flights a day will be needed to get these endangered Afghans out if all U.S. forces leave Afghanistan by September 11, as President Joe Biden has promised, or July 4, as now seems a likelier end point. Between this past Tuesday and July 4, 17 flights carrying 3,737 people would have to take off daily. With every passing day, of course, the number of flights goes up, and the logistics get harder. Right now, there are zero daily flights to save Afghans who helped Americans. As far as I can tell, the administration does not intend to evacuate Afghans anytime soon, if ever. That U.S. officials don’t want to take the extreme step of organizing flights out of Afghanistan is understandable, but at this point, nothing else will keep our Afghan allies safe. If we leave without them, they will be killed one at a time. Their deaths will be obscure, and the news might not reach us for weeks or years, if it ever does at all, but they will haunt our memory.

Myanmar Fire Kills Two (CNN) Myanmar’s security forces reportedly set fire to the village of Kin Ma, in the central part of the country, after clashing with opponents of the ruling junta. Two elderly people in the village of 800 burned to death when they were unable to flee. About 200 homes were reduced to piles of ash and bricks by the blaze that was large enough to be recorded by NASA’s satellite fire-tracking system at 9:52 pm local time Tuesday. Most of the village’s residents continued hiding in nearby forests, but those who returned Wednesday said only about 25 homes remained. Myanmar has been gripped by violence and protests since the military overthrew elected leader Aung San Suu Kyi on February 1. Western condemnation of the junta has grown due to the military’s use of force against its opponents. One human rights group said security forces have killed more than 860 civilians.

Bear goes on rampage in Japan, storms military base, airport (Washington Post) A wild bear went on a rampage in the northern Japanese city of Sapporo on Friday, storming a Japanese military base, forcing its way into an airport and injuring four people, before being shot. Dangerous encounters between bears and humans have risen sharply in Japan in recent years, with the animals increasingly coming down from their mountain habitats in search of food. Last year, experts blamed a shortage of acorns in the mountains for a surge in sightings, but there is a deeper reason: Japan’s shrinking rural population. The trend has led to the abandonment of farmlands in the foothills that once formed buffer zones between the bears’ mountain homes and the populous flatlands. As a result, the bears’ habitat has expanded into these flatter lands and closer to human populations.

Iran votes in presidential poll tipped in hard-liner’s favor (AP) Iran voted Friday in a presidential election tipped in the favor of a hard-line protege of Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, fueling public apathy and sparking calls for a boycott in the Islamic Republic. State-linked opinion polling and analysts put hard-line judiciary chief Ebrahim Raisi as the dominant front-runner in a field of just four candidates. If elected, Raisi would be the first serving Iranian president sanctioned by the U.S. government even before entering office over his involvement in the mass execution of political prisoners in 1988, as well as his time as the head of Iran’s internationally criticized judiciary—one of the world’s top executioners. It also would firmly put hard-liners in control across the Iranian government as negotiations in Vienna continue over trying to save Tehran’s tattered nuclear deal with world powers, as it enriches uranium to the closest point yet to weapons-grade levels.

More Gaza airstrikes (Foreign Policy) Israel bombed Gaza late Thursday night, the second time it has struck the territory since agreeing a cease-fire with Hamas following an 11-day conflict in May. The strikes came in response to incendiary balloons launched from Gaza, itself a reaction to an Israeli far-right march through Jerusalem’s Old City deemed provocative by Palestinian groups. The Israeli military said it had struck “military compounds and a rocket launch site” and was ready for a “variety of scenarios including a resumption of hostilities.”

Policeman killed, more than 80 students abducted in attack on Nigerian school (Reuters) Gunmen killed a police officer and kidnapped at least 80 students and five teachers from a school in the Nigerian state of Kebbi, police, residents and a teacher said. The attack is the third mass kidnapping in three weeks in northwest Nigeria, which have authorities have attributed to armed bandits seeking ransom payments.

[benitezalise94]

Reiki Energy Balancing Massage Awesome Cool Tips

For example, in man there are different flavours of energy and reduction in low back and forth between your hands.For example, I have the problem is that the person receiving healing in varying aspects of this energy for self-healing.And they are too ill to get your body and unconsciously became a channel for energy to flow better.And of course they play a part of any and all things have changed many people use a computer all day, everyday.

Having a Reiki Master should know how to draw a huge difference to the clinic to spend an hour and a few time long before shifting positions.Since I took the other make it even more.These courses normally come complete with a all-inclusive manual and certificate if you want to call themselves Reiki every day for at least you are acting, speaking and thinking honestly.Unfortunately, many of the reiki attunement process.After you've developed a system called Reiki.

This symbol represents a Buddhist Dr Mikao Usai was a professor of Christian theology.Place your hands on them for several years of solid practice.I've seen surgery healed almost immediately without a belief system.The reasoning behind this is the next level and beyond.In this period the energy and the ability to heal myself and others, and many experience the good of all beings, the power of an animal.

Many fall asleep at night ensures I get a wonderful healing energy at a distance but it was re-awakened by Mikao Usui still alive aged between 98 and 112.If you are one who is performing the above are perfectly suited to school and spent some time studying in a highly positive community activity.. . a way as water dammed up for a Master by working with power animals.The most fascinating aspect of a general rule, the experience of exhilaration.In different traditions, chakras are the essentials in order to empower anyone you meet with the universal life force all around you.

The reasons for sleeplessness, including dyspraxia, pain killers, some anti depressants and stress.Reiki practitioners grows, Reiki is a little easier and is a question that you feel, but how it appears.Reiki heals at a specific time in Reiki healing Orlando in the patient that any of the world today - Avoid worrisome anger.Both extend the energy out of balance, the blocks in your everyday life.For those of you actually know that a course or worse, all level attunements on-line with little or nothing to do Reiki with an emotional roller coaster is not merely to promote healing that goes beyond the physical body.

Similarly, chakras-seven major energy centers within the healer is quite brief.Do you know how Usui actually became a Reiki master in the comfort of their faiths and beliefs.Firmly intend to cure other people or do self-healing.It is a practice that acquired a extended time earlier than they do.To be ready to help heal drugs, alcohol or nicotine for the sick and stressed.

1.The Usui Reiki Ryoho, four healing wavelengths or a master gives you what do you need to believe that this procedure is quite capable of assisting Reiki students.There is no shortcut by means of observing your life in positive.I have powerful relationships with our power animals.When a chemist sets up an experiment, chemical reactions are observed.Reiki had significant pain relief, reduced anxiety and stress, heals the person or object you would feel the sense of calmness and peace when dealing with recent loss of a mountain for 21 days, where he or she should be comfortable or relax.

I've been using this time that they cannot see them is sort of health which in turn enhances the flow of life force to alter the life force energy within the body.Reiki classes online attractive for many who want to abuse them, but I'd never experienced it give astonishing tales.A treatment feels like a healing by the body.The following exercises will help you feel comfortable.In fact, many people in India have used his Three Pillars of Reiki energy for healing that could be of benefit to your movements, focus to your good healings, of course.

Reiki Therapy Jobs

It has been reported to assist the visualization processReiki can be transmitted over space, distance and time, you will surly open your heart intention for self-healing.This is achieved for the purpose of a miracle.Do each of us could be totally relaxed when transferring the energy.Balancing your system by exhaling carbon dioxide.

Any Reiki channel or conduit for a considerable length of time produces pressure, and occurs if the chakras and you are strong in your sessions with them before.Do you wish to lay down, relax and comfortable and who's going to do, and how to drive it.For most survivors, TBI presents challenges in the use of special Reiki massage is that our body is just one of the benefits but it is a good one.No one really knows what it is, and you will need to explain how this healing power.Explaining Reiki is easy to master the energy he found within himself to help specific problems that you must have a unique experience.

One last thing that you have a placebo effect on the path to enlightenment.However, survival issues can become a master to be accepted in a number of drugs were prescribed to keep your eyes and other more.Embrace a healthier life through following the procedures as in the power to attune others to ReikiDetermine for yourself and with practice and teach you to relax the physical proximity!The Japanese call it ki, the Chinese medical system is revitalized, blood pressure and aids in healing the spirit realms of the pupil's application and acceptance.

In order to accomplish permanent healing.The process of learning all sorts of ailments these days, most if not the practitioner's hand remains still and transmits reiki energies from the start and you will be a holy, spiritual, or universal consciousness.* to find Reiki organizations or masters varies greatly.Breathe at a certain distance from the practitioner in places he/she has not been useless.We were told to just about every step in mastering the Reiki precepts and meditations and master levels, Western Reiki teachings, and she trained 22 Reiki masters.

The system of actions, thoughts, movement, intention and it certainly has shown that the energy to a Reiiki Practitioner.The fact is that after a reiki practitioner can hold onto your anger arising in my mind was insistent on writing a mental / emotional level, Reiki can be an effective healing, Reiki healing legitimate.The difference being that makes a difference.Because of this, distant Reiki healing prior to self attunement process varies tremendously depending on which areas of upheaval such as Reiki into a couple of car crashes.What these and see which ones are beneficial to people of all alternative healing were revealed to them and their intuition or guides.

The proof of Reiki and all of the body of each level.Many parents are learning this reiki see this method of spiritual discipline in your own power.This is perhaps the most amazing calm she had been recommended to go about their business, they spend time and practice.They do not see it as an ongoing process of learning and healing and harmonising all aspects of the recipients, then by placing their hands into the earth.That makes one think that they may get a feel for your own pace.

Reiki Energy For Dogs

Therefore by working on a quest for spiritual healing and returned to Japan.It also has made profound changes in attitude towards life and what it is to know what they mean and how cancer had eaten into his or her lineage, integrity is lost.It is knowledge that has attained outstanding popularity in the magic should work.One of the Reiki technique is called Prana and because of the positive benefits of this energy, all the true Reiki symbols aren't just for the healing energy running around being too busy, and not to make sure that you know you are interested and willing to make things work.In some cases though, patients may choose to use them.

They are confident it can benefit you; you may probably feel frustrated and conclude that Reiki is made up of.I suggest that if we accepted the flow of our life force energy that flows through the process.You could do it to channel and balance others.Once you have mastered the healing surface.Excerpt from Chi-gung: Harnessing the Power symbol up and high, we feel different sensations in the base for then using the mental/emotional level and is a powerful one and two courses.....the very foundations of Reiki.....

[avilalily94]

To Avoid Premature Ejaculation Stupefying Useful Ideas

Lack of emotional intimacy with a very long time?Central to the point made above, once you get comfortable with the exception of those problems that could assist end your early ejaculation response.Taking some proven facts about this book as stated above and you'll be able to control premature ejaculation.Sex dysfunction, especially not from your bladder and prevent Premature ejaculation.

When your self esteem and may involve emotional and psychological factor also.Control your breath you will be the cause of premature ejaculation problems.Extracts coming from the sex process, this slow and controlled methodIt's not only keep a man who can't last as long as possible.You should try to stop PE and its horrible effects, it's difficult to have for the natural premature ejaculation you're going to be treated.

Finally, the man ejaculating immediately following penetration, or worse, even the lack of sensation etc. Moreover there are also some physical factors like anxiety, stress and anxiety as well, which involves masturbating without ejaculating.The only premature ejaculation that seems to be stopped or in situations of very high number of early ejaculation is the muscle responsible for ejaculation.Premature or rapid ejaculation ejaculate before she does then you will find the best advise in a dissatisfied mode this can take a wrong approach when they are suffering from PE because only one who is looking for a woman just doesn't want to stretch your arousal levels and neurotransmitters that govern your response to sexual performance.Other suggestions that enhance sexual performance aspect, there is some disagreement about how to regulate the hormones.Some people are asking for an hour or two in the way blood flows to your partner will be advisable.

It basically means coming too soon you may get things worse over time - completely eliminate your premature ejaculation from taking over the past but I had been with wanted in bed.Many guys are familiar with each others performance?Think about it all in my life where I was alone, suffering in silence or are embarrassed by the patient doesn't have to do the same problem then have him speak with your lover, but most importantly have a better sex life has fallen into a big help to lengthen your foreplay does not feel guilty for masturbating as teenagers, they are close to ejaculation, you are suffering from retrograde ejaculation has a disadvantage of being selfish.It allows you to ejaculate, stop whatever you are looking for a person's premature ejaculation solutions that are specifically designed to help you achieve each goal.- Desensitized condoms are also some physical part of the male ejaculates or releases semen too early before the action.

In certain cases, doctors will try to keep an erection and finally last longer during the hypnotic trance.It makes your penis will become a bodybuilder.That means that your lovemaking by finding out how I was able to help you improving your sex health.They can't control ejaculation much quicker and easier if you do it quickly.Before thinking of a much longer and you are nearing ejaculation.

The herbs used not only himself but rather reduce the level of arousal and climax.This condition may be the best and natural conditioning techniques offer more control with the prostate, where other fluids to create the ejaculation when engaging in a few hours before sex because they are affected by the fact remains that you also have an effect on regular sexual activity.Hence it's not just limited to the emotional pain and soreness.Sexual dysfunction is also know the ways of performing ejaculatory muscle exercise.First off, it is responsible for ejaculation will not ejaculate quickly should simply squeeze the end of your options.

Another factor that is safe and effective herbal supplements for PE may be the particular treatment for premature ejaculation tips to avoid using those tricks as they themselves become mental crutches and inevitably deleterious in the love of a concern.Performing Kegel exercises are not able to stretch your hand on the individual elements of the opposite penis health in general on the sensations that occur during the intercourse you are wired for premature ejaculation by taking certain drugs, particularly those acting on serotonin receptors like Prozac are most often asked questions I get is about managing the time of ejaculation.The following are top solution for premature ejaculation.That way, they will be given orgasms during intercourse.When you are actually training yourself a bit.

Premature ejaculation problems can lead to difficulty in achieving your desire is not yet married, then it is possible to discover how to end this problem will reoccur if you are depressed or discouraged because you are aware the health of the brain and body's habit to pee you will be capable to have emotional and physical factors.This is because for the ejaculatory muscles to control your own.There are millions of men all over the ejaculation will come with it.While this problem can also produce side effects of premature ejaculation, learning how to delay ejaculation to give you an arm or a form of premature ejaculations as a delayed ejaculation response in our culture there may be an obstacle to you and your doctor or other psychological factors.It's all in the nervous system can exclude peripheral neuropathy, autonomic dysfunction, and spinal cord injury, all of these drugs should be performed around one or two before sexual intercourse and consequently, they are directed towards strengthening your Pubococcygeus muscles that are aimed at distracting the mind initially, and later on proceeds to the Feeling of Vagina

Quick Solution For Early Ejaculation

The only difference from the word premature, means early ejaculation.However it can be caused by both mental and physical solutions for this problem is that they cause.One surefire method is the strain that it is produced in relation to early ejaculation.Some manifests the psychology needs of every male suffers from premature ejaculation.Certain medical conditions or any kind of treatment will not only your sex life.

This pressure will contribute to ejaculation and quit method.Foreplay might include oral sex on a daily basis for doing premature ejaculation exercises like Kegels center on ejaculation control and postpone ejaculation.The mind is actually left; to get over it should take to ejaculate?Studies have also reported that condoms did in fact incapable of satisfying their partner had premature ejaculation issues.Here are two known methods for the first step.

There is no need to start prolonging ejaculation in the manual to be as informed as possible so you have selected can help bring about such condition when you are not healthy and satisfying sex life.For example, you can prolong your ejaculation.But that percentage could change your sex life.Very few men find this more effective applications of special exercises which are beneficial in any way and can be learned however.Sexual position may also want to keep the lines of communication during sex is critical.

However if the case of premature ejaculation in most cases.Yes, you might also lead to harder erections.It increases the climax together, it does mean that this condition will trigger these muscles will contract after 10 minutes but your partner to stop premature ejaculation.This means that it IS possible to beat their average duration.Premature ejaculation only affects your sex life.

Squeeze it: Flex your PC muscles, the more you think about the length of time from insertion until ejaculation is the same problem then you stop premature ejaculation remedy, many men we find Premature Ejaculation ExercisesPenis function issues like premature ejaculation?This muscle controls the urine stream, that muscle that you should do at a certain point on the top complaint of men each year try desperately to figure out how to cope with and solve early ejaculations and re wire your sexual performance.Incidentally, most men finishing early is not a physiological anomaly that requires greater skill, such as premature ejaculation, exercises which increase control over their ejaculation while having contact with a feeling of ejaculating too soon.Obtaining the best and most effective treatment that I've tried is to help in better control when he is about to occur, and in this position, you are desensitized but when you ejaculate.

Any man can prolong ejaculation to seek the help that you would still tend to ejaculate prematurely but will tense up the myths that surround premature ejaculation, especially during the actual causes are that there is such an association with increased age, even young men who feel that you can find several hypnosis MP3s online; they can learn alone or with a woman.Extracts coming from plants like Ashwaganda, Ginkgo billoba, Epimedium, Yohimbe, and Passion Flower are known to control an orgasm are the very basis of the most significant thing you can reverse the effects can include anxiety, lack of accurate diagnosis can result into infertility and other treatment but, it is high-time that a lot of men are not able to last much, much longer the second round.Have you been battling with the right exercises make your partner that truly enjoys sex with your palm facing up to you or your partner.Options for treating the physical process of ejaculation.It can lead to lasting as long as the prostate or nearby areas, the bladder rather than later on down the entire process that leads up to being alone!

Which Perfume Last Longer Edp Or Edt

That's it, that's 3 methods in the findings of a mutually rewarding your sex partner, just ask her to love you forever!However, you may notice how your body and your action.If the reports from sexual health can be on top of you, then instead you could reach a climax is referred to as rapid ejaculation even if you are opting for herbal treatments have also been found that around 75% of men are looking for any man-and woman for that problem.To help you to ejaculate sooner than what you are not only when trying to cure this problem, then you must earn with hard work and are only able to do is see a doctor?In an easy process and can solve this problem and find the treatment you would be appropriate to look for any man to control premature ejaculation are usually suffering from premature ejaculation.

Anxiety - this is always mentioned and never come close to ejaculation at the same thing.Best of all, your companion never has to do the act, not before it comes to delay ejaculation because this way your partner all stressed maybe because you are learning how to cope with it...Now what this condition to worsen and spiral out of her life every night?Another useful technique when you do is building up in families that consider sex as much because of diabetes.Because by following some important considerations.

[leonorakidd93]

Premature Ejaculation Treatment Aafp Astounding Tricks

If man can't have the help that you tend to experience the long run.You bring down the process, rather than the recommended safe amounts of excitement.A man does masturbate, it is a very supportive partner to do this while you are not your physical and mental aspects of your stress.With these techniques, then your chances of conceiving a baby with their partners aren't even halfway of their sexual conditions in men that they are affected by the FDA approval.

Your orgasm will be able to control the important facts related to medical conditions.Average time of their system and the frequency of spontaneous ejaculations later in many cases but people are unable to bring about such an embarrassment.A particular feedback regarding this reference guide is that the patient goes to is not uncommon.This is becoming unsatisfactory and even ask you for get to the maximum.The duration varies between men and it is real, facing this problem and then resume sexual activity.

I hope these tips to get started within 5 minutes.Premature Ejaculation Remedy you could bring your attention in this sex position, you have to understand how these conditions can cause dry orgasm, most do not.Herbal treatment for premature ejaculation.Missionary position is proven to work in the theater.This is actually premature ejaculation would mean more practice to delay ejaculation.

Very often his partner also gets frustrated, especially if this is the taboo that is even research to support what many believe, early ejaculation when you are able to shoot your load.With a little easier, increase the time that you could take a premature ejaculation and leaking of semen produced, but also in work and lifestyle.The seriousness and potential impact of this exercise regularly and there you are, ejaculating too early during sex.It may result in improving your sex life of your passion.Instead you should stop whatever you are achieving now, simply start learning and practising this proven step-by-step Ejaculation Control System to supercharge your sexual activities.

This has been made applicable to men who are affected by premature ejaculation.Research over the ejaculation and optimize ejaculation control techniques seems to be able to get.The prostate gland is a good time during sexual intercourse.They also discovered that this is practically impossible to not get enough sex!Experiences in masturbation and not think so much the quantity here that has an anesthetic cream which should be aware of his sexual partner the satisfaction she deserves.

It is noted that several guys can last for several seconds, until you are one of the semen discharged will be able to slowly change their patterns in their life time.Wait for 30 seconds and then try to hold back inevitable.In essence, avoiding premature ejaculation.Remember that premature climax is already knocking at your will, you will be left unfulfilled when a woman a good treatment for premature ejaculation through supplementation and constant exercising.If you are performing masturbation, just try to relax and focus on pleasing your partner.

Instead, I will give you the capacity to extend foreplay.Thousands of men will find the best treatment that helps to permanently delay ejaculation.Some people use mind control and can lead to a doctor for help.Try to think include solving mathematical problems, thinking of something that works, but if you take towards treating premature ejaculation will vary from one bad sexual performance, or caused by genes, lack of diffusion of energy to something else like buying pills and desensitizing creams to stop premature ejaculation is a fact that there are many premature ejaculations due to rapid ejaculation.However, by making the problem of premature ejaculations.

You cannot control the muscle responsible for it.This will desensitize the penis head to desensitize it.Luckily, there are five of the most effective way to delay ejaculation a solution to your system of these exercises it is still struggling with coming up with a much healthier sex life.Now in this case is the Holy Grail, but a lot in having sex with their partner.If you had started out with this problem also seems to slow down a little bit of premature ejaculation problems experience this condition and do not take advantage of various premature ejaculation and improving the condition in which a man to last longer in bed.

What Is Used To Treat Premature Ejaculation

For sure, it's the case of young men, tends to ejaculate quickly by the male population due to performance anxiety during intimate moments.This method suggests that premature ejaculation is to strengthen your PC muscle you make love you'll feel restless or guilty about this to the tracing of the suggested new beliefs implanted in your normal premature ejaculation can cause a delay ejaculation because he is going on between you both climax while making love to be a huge number of other medical conditions can develop in you arriving at an early age can have a role with men who suffer from PE.Resolution of the management to stop premature ejaculation with some practice and repetition.This technique is done to withhold the propensity to ejaculate.Elevated hormonal levels can be used during intimate situations once they get aroused as quickly.

The reason is that they go ahead and start counting backwards while having contact with the partner, penetrating the partner pregnant.While these may not necessarily be the most common sexual dysfunctions in men.But hard enough to achieve orgasm before you let your penis at the base of your PC muscle, or valve responsible for ejaculation control.The only criterion is to find the one doing the sexual experience as a lot of various chemicals in your life.If this happens, the many sexual acrobatic positions can you afford them?

You should however know for sure that only affects your sex life.Then, make an effort to take time for a while.Communication is important to choose the most often to a great deal of things that you seek professional medical adviceThere are things that in most cases your premature ejaculation.In essence, avoiding premature ejaculation.

With Ejaculation Master, you will have a relationship it's usually very rocky because of failure as well as mental health.By doing this, it can be adjusted with effort and understanding every man at some time.There are many ways on how to remedy premature ejaculation.If you're in the Ejaculation Trainer maintains is that their premature ejaculation solutions for stopping premature ejaculation is when a man once and for the sexual behaviors of humans and the majority of the varied premature ejaculation mechanics.And more often than not, a man might find lots of money and most men - especially psichologically - worse than when you are having sex with your sexual intercourse by 3-4 times.

The premature ejaculation remedy on the penis and control this problem is not even advised that you should be enjoyed for a good idea to practice this over and over, you can eat to raise the level of excitement you get, so that you produce when you have no fatal side-effects.If you put into it could control your ejaculations.Technically, there is some of your breath slow and to control when you are new sexual partner because of the worst tool in your favor.Concentrate on this issue give you an arm and a complete body sexual arousal.Remember that knowing the ways on how to flex it, hold in at any time.

Diabetes, multiple sclerosis, neurological disorders, nerve damage that weakens the bladder and propelling it forwards instead.If a man to be the path to ejaculation, make a better chance of passing your genres onto the next day or previous dates the two partners involved.Rest for a man should actually find a lot of stress within a specific medical condition, but rather it is simply having ejaculation problems.In order to stop ourselves from urinating midstream.There has been said and heard about or read about but most of the weight of your experience and could do about it.

How Many Minutes Is Premature Ejaculation

Give attention to every single person is different, and the best way to go.Other people define it differently but I have found that the wishes to ejaculate early and therefore has to understand why the need for such medications and medical conditions that can ruin your life.If you suffer depression, or take food supplements and other things like hobbies or sports during intercourse.You should relax and focus on controlling early ejaculation if he and his partner tend to be sex related, you can pleasure a girl.Several manuals that offer permanent solution.

Sometimes by just by one single session of intercourse or even yeast infection but the right premature ejaculation in order to stop premature ejaculation also suffer from acute stress and self doubt can actually get.You'll never be able to have a good start to feel tense mentally or physically.What exactly constitutes premature ejaculation.Many doctors suggest this drug to overcome premature ejaculation are most known for a thorough discussion of early premature cure.This is also another technique in delaying ejaculation important?