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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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I've been working on this much more detailed and overall diligent art style lately. You will see it on my halloween arts and few others, but I can confidently say that this is where I see my a lot of my arts developing towards.
I'm really excited to share what I've prepared 💕
#I call these arts instagram worthy 😂#The only upsetting thing about it is that it takes me literally hours (and usually few days) to complete one art#but they're worth it#black clover fanart#kalola's art
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hi toniiswrld nation i am having the worst fucking day but how are you guys 😇‼️
im gonna rant in the tags so feel free to ignore😁
#ok so basically my manager asked me to come in two hours early and i said yes bc a check is a check 💁🏽 so she leaves for a few hours#she said she would be back at 2:30 and i could go on my break then but she doesn’t get back till 3:15 which is alright ig#so i still have some things to finish up and its like 3:55 and im like okay im gonna take my break now#so im about to leave for my break and shes like hey just be mindful that 4-6 are peak hours so dont take your break around this time#and im like ???? because… i wouldn’t be taking my break this late if it wasn’t for you coming in late. i would’ve been back by 4-#-if you were back on time. and i usually take my break around 2 so what are you mad ab??#also she was complaining that i was cleaning quote unquote TOO much.. HOW DO YOU CLEAN TOO MUCH???#like dont ask me to do something… if you don’t want it done properly because now ur gonna complain that its still dirty 😐#anyways 😁 i only have three more hours left till im off
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#it's quite a while that i do a really long rant here#but i really need to get all the shit out from my mind and clear everything inside my brain#and yeah it's actually related with yesterday's race actually#i mean we all always saying that never let sports ruin or dictate our own emotions and other phrases that related with this#but in a serious matter it really really exhausted my mind and honestly yesterday is the peak of it#and the fact is before the race start i was feeling so happy that srg wins mpl malaysia for 2nd time#and i say to myself that whatever happens during the race i should be happy that my fav esports team wins another title this year#but yeah....the race happens and it all just chaos...i mean not that usual chaos but i feel it's even worse#especially after the race#like seriously i should have stay away from any social medias for a while today#because i know how awful the vibes and environment there (and here as well tbh)#but yeah 🥲🥲🥲#like i really expecting that f1 is the only sports out of other sports that i'm getting into with#that i really feel mentally drained and doesn't makes me feel any joy by enjoying it at some point#but yesterday...that's the peak of it#i'm just getting more and more tired of the whole thing happens in f1#and the real life 'job' (more like uni life) doesn't even help me brighten up my mood either#where during app development my group is having a really though situation to going back from the start#in which we had some conflicting on some of the solutions are as same as other one group#and forreal all my groupmates were just fed up thinking about how to came up with new ideas#so yeah it's just this past few hours are just mentally emotionally physically drained out#like i really need to take a break for a while but idk i'm sure#i'll starting to get more and more tasks and assignment for the next few days *sigh*#nahhhhhh i know it's really long rant but i just want to be in a good headspace rn
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So yeah avoiding my phone didn't work and also meant I sat on the kitchen floor staring into space for about 3 hours before Alfie woke up but hey at least I didn't break anything
Them being around is helping a little but they're also struggling and it fuckin sucks bc I know we're both just. Rotating money stress in our minds
#like. i went out earlier to get bread#just bread bc we cant afford anything else#got just enough in the bank to cover the work thing but since management stjll hasnt gotten back to me on HOW to pay it its like#our electricity is already in debt lol it has a thing where you can go £10 into debt before it switches off#and it usually wont switch off over weekends#presumably bc all but 1 places nearby thst we can top it up at are shut on weekends but anyway#so we're like. okay. it MIGHT last today and if it does thst SHOULD mean itll last till monday.#but then itll be at least a tenner in debt#then we only have to last till thursday but its. do we keep this money thats for The Thing that is once again unclear on how urgent it is#or do we spend it on the Soon To Be Immdiately Urgent thing#and thats not even CONSIDERING food lmao we. i got 2 loaves of bread so we can at least survive on toast for a few days#we got 3 maybe 4 meals worth of stuff still in the kitchen#like...at this point i dont even care if i have to go a few days without eating at all to make it to thursday but its.#its so fucked up those are the terms im thinking in#and this isnt asking for more donations i really cannot take that today im at the fuckin bottom of my barrel#and already feel hopeless and useless and an active drain to everything around me#but its. like. how. why. why is it still like this. why is it looking extremely unlikely its ever gonna change.#whats the point if its all for a few scattered handful hours of actual peace and comfort never mind happiness#tldr yes i am once again suicidal but small s#like in the sense of i would feel immense relief if a truck came at me on my way to work tomorrow and would not step out of the way but#dont have it in me to actually consciously act upon
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finally did my goddamn dishes. and that wasn't all i managed to do today. fuck yeah.
had a meeting for thesis prep. bmv trip. rough plan for friday's discussion lecture. cooked dinner for the first time in like 3 weeks. read ~50 pages of academic text for 2 classes and a paper revision.
feels like i didn't do enough but. considering that yesterday i managed... going to classes and nothing else! and monday i was only capable of doing the required meetings i had, this is a pretty good day!
#it's been. a tough few weeks. i couldn't focus at all last week. only got work done on the weekend. yesterday was........ tough.#monday wasn't as rough but was equally exhausting#so! proud of myself that i got. stuff done. big stuff even!#started keeping a task/reward journal to help out too :)#so every night i'll write out some tasks that need to get done the next day#and as i finish them i check them off and give myself silly little stickers to track what i managed!#so i get like. 1 sticker per 10 pages read (bc i usually need a break every 10 or so pages rn) 1 sticker in a diff color for chores.#1 for teaching stuff (laying out a lecture plan/finishing the lecture/doing a dry run/doing the lecture) 1 for meetings etc etc#it's helping bc i have a dumbass brain that doesn't give me dopamine for completing tasks anymore#it all gets lumped into 'yeah i did the bare minimum bc that's what i need to do. that's not special-#-no reward for you! you didn't really *do* anything. just scraped bare minimum!'#turns out that's bad for you lmao to get No Rewards#so i have a journal now! so i have hard proof that shows that i've Done Shit.#and i think the last two weeks i've been 1. underfed 2. overtired and 3. on the verge of burnout#so i haven't been able to do much. but a major stressor is gone now! (the bmv trip...)#and it like. immediately lifted a veil from my brain. 0-60 in like 40 minutes flat.#i hadn't realized how stressed about that i'd even been. it was taking up so much of my brain's metaphorical CPU.#so i'm hoping tomorrow i'll be able to do what i was doing two weeks ago. just plugging along at my usual pace#instead of just barely dragging my carcass forward#so! anyway. update that was unasked for but you sure are getting#i fuckin did stuff today! fuck yeah!#it is now an hour past my bedtime i'm gonna crash tf out. bedtime. sleepytime. good night
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the goddamn toast water post just made me utter "history is fucking real" in the most solemn and serious tone of voice, out loud, to myself, in the goddamn bathtub
#life is ridiculous and I'm its biggest clown#in my defense it's not even 9 am and I woke up at 6 for some reason (the reason prob being that I start work at 6 atm)#so I chose (violence) reading Stray Gods fic in bed for a few hours followed by the need to just vibe in the bathtub#I've only just had my coffee and a slice of cold pizza leftover from yesterday and it's such a uni-days thing to do#I've kinda missed it. tho I wasn't drinking coffee back then (how the fuck did I survive mornings without it??)#anyway. feeling very soft and tender abt my past self today. I miss her even if she was just as much of a mess. in different ways#the kind of mess who would openly flirt with some strange dude she didn't really know over the phone#the kind of mess who moved across the country just for a chance at trying with sb she liked who really never wanted to date her#the kind of mess who's always fallen for her best friends and who'll likely never stop#the kind of mess who feel so damn hard for a woman 15 yrs older than her just bc she was kind and sweet and a mess herself#the kind of mess who moved in with a friend she was solidly in love with for a bit who had her boyfriend over most nights#just.. it's not all about those feelings but they're decidedly a big part of why I've ever done anything#and I will prob always miss the friend who'd lie on the train platform with me just giggling into the night as ppl walked past#her head on my stomach and me just feeling so high it felt like I'd never stop floating (just for a while though)#I guess what I'm trying to get at here is that Mi miss just letting my feelings take me places even at the risk of losing it all#I'm so much more hesitant and guarded now. and sure part of it is being medicated for my bipolar. it's good that I don't call strangers#and almost invited them over. or that I no longer walk barefoot through the city at night by myself (usually)#but I do miss just idk. intimacy I guess. and how easily it used to come to me to just try and be open abt wanting it I guess#oh well. best be getting out of the bathtub. it's not a good place to be with these thoughts. and it's too early for this anyway#a day in the life of..
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I drew Cyril!
This is the background that I made for him.
This is with a white background, cuz all of the green kinda blends together.
And this is him with no background.
#wilderlore#I made digital art of Cyril for the first time today#and it only took a few hours!#usually it takes days for me to finish#i was listening to puppet history the whole time#although i prefer the version of him that i made in my sketchbook#i'm still learning though#i took the emerald green wax from his seal in TES and made it his favorite color.#also i hate drawing hands#so i didn't draw him with hands#cyril harlow
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My first Galactic Legend, and I'm so stinkin' proud.
Did I spend too many crystals on that last leg? Yes. Do I regret it? Not in the least.
#galaxy of heroes#jabba the hutt#feeling pretty good for not even 12 hours to acquire assorted stuff#doubt I'm getting him to relics soon but that's ok#meanwhile Dogmatix's amazing advice means I'm back on my championship table bullshit for the crystals#after a multi year break from that nonsense my bracket ranking is even MORE heinously borked than their usual brokenness#so it's not that I've eaten my last few opponents for breakfast only because they don't even make a light snack#my 7 mill GP account should NOT ever ever ever be in the same bracket as someone under 3 mill (at best)#I'll take the easy crystals but I'll feel kinda bad about it
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#as usual I have a terrible case of back from the beach blues#I miss the ocean and the sand and the seagulls and I wanna go back T_T#home and work are both shitshows and all I wanna do is lounge in the sun and swim in the sea#I miss the salty air#i keep trying to tell myself not to be bummed cause I have a few shorter trips planned#going back to Cape May next month either for a day trip or overnight the one weekend with my sister in law#and I might be going back to Ocean City for a long weekend in September for local’s summer#and me and my husband are planning on taking a day trip and exploring a few of Delaware’s beaches along the bay#that one’s a little more up in the air but likely September or October#and then we’re doing Kitt’s Hummock and Woodland Beach for sure#might do Deemer’s Beach cause it’s literally 3 mins away from the one shop we’re stopping at#but I’ve heard that’s not a great beach so we’ll see#might possible also do Bennett’s Pier Beach and Slaughter Beach and stop at the DuPont Nature Center#so three trips- one being a day trip the other being either a day trip or overnight and a possible third trip that’s a few days long#I’m excited for the Delaware one cause I’ve only ever been to Fenwick Island and Slaughter Beach#and like yeah they’re beaches on the Delaware Bay so it’s brackish and muddy but I don’t care#I’m just excited to explore some beaches I’ve never been to#but man the main big vacation is over and I have to wait a whole year and that’s what’s got me down I guess#little vexing about the distance#love that my fav place is only 3.5 hours away#but it’s just far enough to be a bit much for a day trip which is a bummer#we’ve done day trips in the past and they’re very fun but also very tiring#so I tend to only get to Ocean City MD once or twice a year#which bummer cause it’s my favorite beach#the beaches that are only like an hour and 20 mins aren’t that great Jersey-wise#so hopefully the Delaware adventure turns up a few that I end up liking a lot#I need to live closer to the ocean#I’m trying but man is shit expensive anymore ._.#one day soon I hope…
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Got very rudely snapped out of dissociation yesterday (stabbed myself) I think?? It's so hard to tell for me always. But I'm actually in a much better mood now despite a lot of pain (back). Wild what happens when you're not totally clocked out of reality
#saw a few people talking about what dissociation is like for them. with like. being able to enter it more or less willingly and it only#lasting for a few hours#and MAN. not at all what its like for me#its always so so hard to tell if im dissociated and i usually only noticed i was when it goes away?#kinda rude to be airdropped back into reality while my backs hurting so much tho. take that pain away again ty#that said. probably finally gonna write again today!!! ive missed it........................#blorbos save me............
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it's incredibly hard not to despair over all of this ngl
#i've been doing really bad in the last 2ish weeks#almost as if i'm having pms symptoms kinda#but usually they go away after a few days. certainly not stick for over a week#this is like how it was before i was on t. without the bleeding ig#(physical stuff also stand bc i feel so extra tired and my whole body hurts constantly)#and all the shit going on in real life isn't helping. both on a global scale and in my personal life#i don't want to exist genuinely i can't be left with my thoughts for even a second or i start spiraling#i don't want to sleep or take a break i want to just. stop. stop thinking. stop existing. i want to die bc it feels like the only choice#but ig i gotta wake up at 7 am and drive for an hour and walk up the hill again instead#and then be active until 6 pm. i'm already exhausted just thinking abt all this ngl#i wanna die i can't do this shit anymore i should've died 13 years ago. why even bother trying to live#vent#negative //#suicide //#ask to tag#sorry. sorry
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im actually floored by how well the girls are getting along. they're all running on the wheel together and just napping. they are literally so chill together rn it's insane
#i was expecting it to go so much worse not even joking#it's why i decided to do it today bc i figured it would take them a while to really settle in and wanted them to be somewhat familiar by th#time the 50 gal came in#but honestly? theyre so chill rn.#mochi and sushi fought like one time since the time i got them despite not really liking each other so it's kinda interesting that they#arent opting to fight as much as some other mice even during the intros.#and they dont really chase like how the 5 p's did during their intro to the curries. the p's were bullying the curries HARDCORE.#pepper still does tbh but pepper does it with everyone bc shes an asshole and hates everyone#i do feel bad tho bc now theyre all in a (for the group size) small tank with no real enrichment for the next few days#potentially even the whole weekend if fedex is shit#but it helps the bonding#some sites (usually just brits) always say 'oh you need to leave tem in the small bonding tank for a week or more!'#and they say you should spend DAYS for each step of introductions. so literally waiting hours before you give back food and water and a hid#sorry not sorry but i have never ever ever needed to do this with any of my introductions.#the fighting is gonna happen regardless. mice who have lived with eachother for years will still fight. if you waited until 'a few days#of peace after a fight' then you'd have them in the small bare bones tank for their whole lives#i never even did intros this elaborate the last two times. i just introduced them on the table and when i was done setting up the tank with#clean stuff i put them back in. they fought but it's just because MOST of my girls are pretty dominant. theyre all related so thats why#the only reason im doing the bare bones small cage method is because its such a big group and it can be very fragile at first.#but honestly hese girlies are so chill coded it's wild#the ladies
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need Guz to hug me tightly for like an hour solid oh my god dhdjdkl I went driving for the first time in over a year and I chewed my lip raw 😭😭
I'm starting to look like a caricature of Anxiety with all these physical symptoms and signs LMAO
#this is so ridiculous fhfjdkdl#i do not like driving fjdkdl i know i should not be on the roads#but unfortunately i have to bc i live rural and also my parents insist i ''just need more practice''#practice is not going to fix the dissociation 😭😭 practice will not fix the Other Drivers being shitty and scary and reckless fjfkdl#it might make it slightly easier bc i wont have to think as hard about shoulder and mirror checks and roadsigns and speed limits#and where i am located on the road and intersection rules and whatnot#but like... it does not fix that i live in a town (and world lol) where ppl are fucking bonkers on the road#i had someone riding my ass for like a full five minutes. we had only two feet btwn us. MAYBE. IF THAT MUCH.#he was BIG mad that i was going the speed limit#and THERES A POLICE STATION LIKE RIGHT NEAR THAT AREA MY GUY IM NOT GONNA GO OVER THE SPEED LIMIT RIGHT THERE LMAO ????#also im a rule follower usually so i do tend to go Exactly the speed limit fjfkdl#and maaannn that makes people SO fucking angry dhfjdl its impossible to drive Anywhere without having someone right on ur bumper#its so ridiculous like... that's not helping anyone ??? ur not getting to ur destination faster by riding up on somebodys ass ???? hewwo ???#ANYWAYS. i drove around the neighborhood and then went up the highway and thru some intersections and then into the main core of town#and then i got my dad to take over from there bc it was lunch hour and the core of town is a lawless land at the best of times#MY NERVES ARE FRIED. i need Guz to act as a weighted blanket or one of those pressure therapy vests for me LOL#im like... shaking fhdjsl that was far more than i thought we were going to do for driving today good lord#IM OKAY THOUGH I SURVIVED I DIDNT EVEN HIT A CURB OR ANYTHING#i think I've only hit a curb once so far in all my times driving and that was on my second time driving on a road i think#so pretty good track record... im a very careful driver fjdkdl i work so hard to be safe and drive smoothly#during my driving test the only thing the test guy had to critique was that i waited at an intersection when i could've gone#but the reason i waited was bc i wasnt sure i could make it across the traffic lane before the oncoming vehicle got to us#so it was like. a safe decision overall but a little too hesitant which can actually be unsafe fjdkdl#AUGH ANYWAYS SORRY FOR RAMBLING SM#driving stresses me out so bad and my lip is all raw now and i have so many physical stress symptoms the past few days fhfjdl#after tonight i should be able to calm down a bit hopefully fhfkdl theres a thing we're going to tonight thats been stressing me out so bad#but after tonight it'll be over and hopefully I can get myself settled down again fjfjdkl#dandy.cmd#vent //
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hate to say it but july kinda sucked
#please let me whine and list all the things that have troubled me this month#first off having to get serious about my master thesis and everything taking so much longer than I want it to (the anxiety. wow)#and mentally preparing to tackle two jobs AND finishing the thesis all at once soon (how......am I gonna do that)#well then ofc my car breaking down and having to spend my last savings on a new one#generally having to spend a shit load of money. all my money. gone within 2 months#wanting to have a big birthday party so badly only for it to get so stressful and Too Much for my introverted perfectionist ass#that I was the first and only one to feel (physically and mentally) sick about four hours in and had to leave my guests on their own#the usual old struggles flaring up again (as in too high expectations towards everything and everyone and myself that leave me disappointed#and on a more irrelevant note lmao: being one of the few people who doesn’t seem to have enjoyed barbenheimer that much?#same for jk’s solo and everything around it it's just not really for me#and thus feeling a little distanced from the fandom and from creating lately...I'll try again this weekend though I'll try#and last but not least my skin is being SO bad again rn that I just want to rip it off my whole body!!!!!!!#yeah! not at all how I wanted july to go! anyways august in a few days let’s move on and hope for the best#SORRY for being negative on here again. there were also nice things. like awi and al and all my other friends.#and birthday gifts and messages. <33
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ive been a little upset about it all night so i need to write out all the things that happened at work today and are bugging me so i can TRY to get it out of my head and actually RELAX bc i just keep pacing in circles around it instead of just accepting it and moving on
#for context i was working frying chicken today. ok so i arrive and literally all the chicken out expires within ten minutes of each other#meanwhile to remake everything takes about an hour 20#tried my best to get everything out and replaced and make sure i have enough of everything and then take my break bc with chicken there are#few narrow windows to take your break in you have very little control over when it is#get back and while im getting ready for my next fry one of the assistant leaders comes back and passive aggressively asks 'everything ok?'#and when i say yeah shes starts saying how shes 'just checking' because apparently i didnt have enough chicken out for her liking and went#on about how we're in a chicken drive (I KNOW. I WORK CHICKEN SHE NEVER HAS.)#etc etc. i just say ok and she leaves#like 20 minutes later she comes fucking back to rag on me again about how i need to choose my break times better and i need to have more#chicken out there as back up (extremely difficult bc there is literally only so much room in the fryers. the batches i usually make already#nearly completely fill them up) blah blah and then when i try to explain how i WAS making pretty big batches people are just snatching them#up fast she keeps trying to walk out the door right away and keeps stopping and looking over her shoulder to just stare at me while i try t#finish my sentence#and she just. doesnt say anything in response when i do finish she just leaves#so clearly she didnt want a conversation she just wanted to rag on me#then later for cleanup the timing of everything just kept lining up inconveniently so i kept having to get in and out of raw cleaning gear#and slowing myself down and i end up having to stay almost 15 minutes late to finish cleaning#during cleaning i have to go grab a key to the back door to take out my trash and this one coworker i have was standing in the way of the#door. i say excuse me and she just stares at me and goes huh?#and i say i need a key and she barely moves out of the way without responding and she has a look like im bothering her#why are you acting like im being douchey. i just need a key. thats something she does a lot she acts like im inconveniencing her by asking#basic favors . ive stopped asking her to help me open the back door (sometimes needed if i also have raw garbage to take out and therefore#cant touch the key myself) for some reason she takes it upon herself to almost completely close the door after i walk out so when i come#back i have to awkwardly use my foot to reach around and pull the door open#ive asked her before not to do it and she just ignored me#GRAH GRAH. and then like i said in my last rb i realized while i was drivign home i forgot to wash a damn pan#im mostly worried about it because ive forgotten a couple times in the past too . in my defense its a pan i personally dont use but it just#gets left behind from first shift sometimes and then second shifters end up having to make sure its clean#im just irritateddd and im mad im worried about it all. its all little things piling up on each other#LOL I WROTE A LOT MORE BUT THE REST GOT CUT OUT IG I HIT A TAG LIMIT. tumblr voice ok dude quit your bitching !!
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