#It might help lessen the depression?

[freebooter4ever]

I dont know how to force myself to sit down and transfer/update my new computer so i can feel comfortable drawing again ;_; but i need to

[comicaurora]

How do you manage to motivate yourself when you're feeling tired or depressed?

Usually I try to give myself time to rest until those feelings lessen, since they're generally symptomatic of having pushed too hard, but on occasions where tiredness seems to be getting a little too cozy with depression, there's a few things I do.

I've observed in myself a habit of sort of… waiting in a holding pattern for something to push me into action. "Something" isn't defined clearly, but it becomes a real problem on depressed or low-executive-function days. This might just BE what low executive function feels like, tbh; like there's some invisible trigger and I can't Do The Thing until something trips it. When I notice I'm stuck in a holding pattern, I have a few tricks to snap myself out of it:

Flip a coin. Heads I get up and Do The Thing, tails I don't. The simple act of challenging myself is enough to motivate me sometimes, regardless of the outcome, but sometimes this makes me realize that I am legitimately tired, so I stay put and recharge a little until I want to flip for it again.

Set a five- or ten-minute timer and do whatever I need to do until the timer runs out. An artificial deadline can bypass the holding pattern. Sometimes this gives me momentum, and when the timer runs out I keep going. Sometimes this does NOT build momentum, and I crash after the timer runs out - but I crash with five more minutes of progress done. Any progress is better than no progress.

Assume Direct Control. This one only works sometimes, but sometimes it's as simple as breaking down a list of individual units of tangible progress - Get Off Of Bed, Put On Pants, Plug In Tablet, Etc Etc - and just grab the manual controls in my brain and make myself do each thing in turn. Sometimes I'll assume direct control to make myself take a Stupid Mental Health Walk, which has thus far worked every time to improve my mood and energy even though when I am in a Low Mood the last thing I want to do is subject myself to the mortifying ordeal of wearing pants and dealing with people.

I also find that sometimes it's helpful to pull the thread of what you're waiting for. Sometimes I'll realize I've locked myself into a weird paralysis because I've accidentally made something a prerequisite for other tasks. For example, I might realize I'm feeling weirdly frozen and uncomfortable because I haven't taken out the trash, and I've told myself I can't do X Y and Z until the trash is taken out, but I don't want to take out the trash, so I've locked X Y and Z behind Unpleasant Task in a subconscious attempt to motivate myself to Do The Task but instead I've just dramatically reduced the number of things I feel I can do. Often just noticing this pattern is enough to break out of it.

I also find that sometimes the invisible trigger I'm waiting for is just waiting to want to do something. That is unfortunately a trap. There are many things you can enjoy or benefit from without wanting to do them beforehand, because the thought of it is unpleasant or scary or anxiety-inducing or otherwise loaded down with what-ifs and caveats. I will never WANT to have a doctor's appointment, but I feel very good AFTER arranging and going to one. I very rarely WANT to exercise, but after the fact I feel very rewarded and more confident in my abilities. I've only WANTED to go on like a third of the walks I've taken this year, but every single one of them has been pleasant and beneficial to my mental health. Sometimes you just gotta say "I don't WANT to do it, but I'll be glad I did it" and manually pilot yourself into Doing It.

[lilianasgrimoire]

Herbs & Correspondences A-F

This is going to be a looonnnnnggg post, I have gotten all the herbs I can find/remember the correspondences of herbs in alphabetical order, so I might actually break it down into sections and link them on each post at the top.

Acorn - Good luck, personal power, protection and wisdom. Dried acorns are a natural amulet for youthfulness. Associated with Litha. Element water. 

Agrimony - Shielding and hex-breaking, aids sleep, brings luck towards you and is powerful in spell reversal.  Element Air. 

Alder - Helps you to face up to things you are avoiding, divination, teaching especially anything arty and weather magic. Element Fire. 

Alfalfa - Money, prosperity and a happy home, also anti-hunger. Generosity and luck.  Element Earth. 

Allspice - Draws money and business success.  Aids compassion, luck and healing. Element Fire.   

Angelica - Also called Archangel. It is a very powerful protection herb, healing, creates harmony and courage and helps in exorcisms.  Aids vision. Element Air. 

Apple - Garden magic, love, healing and wisdom, also vanity, marriage and beauty. Associated Mabon & Samhain. Element water. 

Ash - Spells relating to the sea, protection, and luck. Make your Yule log from ash and burn to bring prosperity. Yggdrasil was an Ash tree.  Element water. 

Basil - Also called witch's herb. Use in spells for Love, exorcism, wealth, sympathy, and protection. Associated with Imbolc. Aids astral projection. Element Fire. 

Bay Leaf - Protection, success, purification, strength, wisdom and healing, also increases psychic powers. Element Fire. 

Beech - Happiness, inspiration and divination. Represents the Green Man.  Element Air. 

Belladonna - Also Called: Deadly Nightshade. Toxic. Use for forgetting past loves. Protection, beauty and original flying ointments. Adds energy to rituals.   Element Water. 

Benzoin - Purification, prosperity, and helps to soothe tension by dispelling anger and lessening irritability, de stressing, helps depression, concentration and astral projection. Element Air.  

Bergamot - Money, prosperity and sleep.  Protects from both evil and illness. Good luck and wealth. Increases magical power.  Element Fire.  

Birch - Protection, exorcism and purification. Dispels lightning, infertility, and the evil eye. Associated with Yule. Element Water.  

Black Pepper - Banishing negativity, exorcism, and offers protection and help with inner strength.  Element Fire  

Blackthorn - Exorcisms, warding off negative spirits and general protection.  Associated with Samhain. Element Earth.  

Bladderwrack - Protection, sea and wind spells, attracts money, psychic powers, and customers to your business. Element Water. 

Blessed Thistle - or Holy Thistle. Purification, protection against negativity and evil, hex breaking and aids vitality.  Carry on you for strength and protection. Element Earth. 

Blueberry - Protection of children, keeps evil out, and strengthens the aura.  Associated with the Great Spirit. Element Water. 

Borage Flower - Self Courage, peace, calm, self-love and strength. Element Air. 

Burdock - Also called Beggar’s buttons. Used for cleansing magic and warding off negativity. Protection, healing and persistence spells.  Element Water.  

Calendula - Also called Marigold. It attracts success and justice in legal matters. Increases psychic/spiritual powers and aid prophetic dreams. Dispels negativity.  Element Fire.   

Cardamom - Lust, love, and fidelity. Sweetens the personality   Use in handfasting's. Element Water.  

Carnation - Protection, strength, healing, enhancing magical powers, and achieving balance.   Element Fire.  

Catnip - Also called Nepeta. Use when working with animals.  Draws love, luck and happiness, also used in beauty magic.  Associated with Bast. Element Water. 

Cedarwood - Luck, strength and power.  It helps increase money and protection. Also healing.    Associated with Mabon. Element Earth. 

Cedar Berries - Also Called: Juniper Berries.  Protective, cleansing and repels negativity very well. Used in healing rites.  Element Fire.  

Celandine - Cures depression, treats piles, improves circulation. Brings about Joy and happiness. Solar Magic.  Element Fire. 

Chamomile - Love, sleep, protection and purification, also reduce stress.  Use for meditation work and to attract money. Solar Magic. Element Water. 

Chervil - Helps healing, flatulence and superstition.  It is considered the herb for bringing in new life.  Element Water.  

Chickweed - Also called Witches Grass. Use in moon spells. Also good for animal magic, relationships, love and fertility. Element Water.  

Chili - Fidelity, love and passion.  Also hex breaking. Element Fire.  

Cinnamon - Also called Sweet Wood. Use for Solar magic.  Meditation and astral projection. Increases spirituality, success, healing, protection, power, luck, strength, and prosperity. Element Fire.  

Clover, Red - Also called Trefoil. used in any spells relating to marriage, love, lust and fidelity. Success is linked to money.  Element Air.  

Clove - Use to protect, banish negative forces, and divination.  It also helps with any teeth spells. Aids money and draws love.  Element Fire.  

Coltsfoot - Aids wealth.  Works with peace, tranquility, prosperity, and love. Associated with Brighid. Element Water. 

Comfrey - Also called Slippery Root.  Supports magic healing and safe travel. Use for money, endurance and stability spells. Element Water. 

Coriander - Love, lust and health.  Used as an aphrodisiac and to heal migraines. Brings peace & protection to the home. Element Fire.   

Cornflower - Used primarily as an Ink for your Book of Shadows. It is the patron herb of herbalists. Use in rituals to give honor to the mother of all nature, also connected to Rainbow and Crystal children.  Element Earth. 

Cumin - Fidelity, protection, and exorcism.  Also used in love spells and food which can also promote fidelity.  Element Earth   

Cypress - Associated with death and mourning; stimulates healing and helps overcome the pain of loss.  Other properties include self-esteem, protection, love and banishing nightmares. Element Earth. 

Damiana - Lust, sex magic and attracting love. It is thought to be an aphrodisiac. Use for astral projection and spirit quests.  Element Fire. 

Dandelion Leaf - Used to summon spirits, make wishes on, healing, purification and defeating negativity.  Element Air.  

Dandelion Root - Magical uses include divination, wishes and calling spirits. It also enhances dreams and works well in astral projection. Element Air. 

Dock Root- (Yellow). Used to release baggage no longer needed. Also, fertility, healing and money magic. Clears blockages and cuts bindings.  Solar Magic. Element Air. 

Echinacea - Adds a boost to clairvoyant and psychic abilities. Adds powerful strength to spells used in money drawing magic, fertility and abundance and provides the user with protective power. Element Earth. 

Elder Tree - Sleep, releasing enchantments, protection against negativity, banishing. 

Elderflower & Berry - Peace, protection, and healing, plus aids in exorcisms.  Element Water.  

Elm - Energizes the mind and balances the heart. Aids love spells and offer protection from lightning. Element Water. 

Evening Primrose - Ideal for moon magic. Also use in love charms and to attract fae.  Element Water.  

Eyebright - Increases mental power, psychic ability and inner vision.  Element Air.  

Fennel Seed - Helps with meditation.  Healing, purifying and protection.  Also linked with new motherhood and offers inner strength. Element Air.  

Feverfew - Aids poor health.  Protection against accidents when travelling and protection when working with spirit.  Carry on you for inner strength. Element Water. 

Flax Seed - Also called Linseed. Used for money spells and healing rituals. It helps with beautiful spells and offers protection.  Element Fire. 

Fleawort - Healing, Cleansing, strength and power. The Goddess' herbs. Element Earth. 

Frankincense Resin - Use in solar magic. Associated with Beltane, Lammas, and Yule. Use in rituals and magic associated with self-control, spirituality and protection.  Also regulates emotions and helps depression. Element Earth  

Fumitory - Associated with the underworld and used at Samhain. Linked to spells for monetary gain, consecration and protection. Element Earth.  

[pigfacedbitch]

Falling In Love With Leo Valdez

summary : title speaks for itself. reader is a daughter of Poseidon. timeline is from the lost hero to mark of Athena.

word count : 0.7k

type : imagines

pairing/s involved : Leo Valdez x Reader, Brother! Percy Jackson x Reader

warning/s : dealing with a loved one's disappearance, depression, and coping

here is my masterlist!

Percy is the amazing older brother anyone could ever ask for. He made sure that you were thoroughly trained and well-oriented on what it means to be a demigod.

The only downside? He is extremely protective, especially when someone is romantically interested in you.

"PERCY!" You see the camper who flirted with you earlier got knocked off of his canoe and almost drowned in the lake.

"What? It wasn't me."

But his face says otherwise. He can be insufferable.

You love him dearly anyway.

So when he vanished that summer, you are a mess. Chiron had to monitor your every move because you might try to find Percy on your own.

Annabeth told you she received a word of where he is and assured you that everything will be okay. Instead she brought back three strangers with her.

One particularly caught your attention with his elf-like features and scrawny build. You found him... cute.

As expected, Leo flirted with you right away. How could he not? You are hot! 😍

"Hey there, cutie. Are you a goddess?"

"No. My name is (Y/N)."

"Leo Valdez but you can call me anything you want-"

"How about dead?" Annabeth cuts him off, giving him an icy glare. That was enough to shut him up.

Leo uses all of his time to be with you. He is so in love, it's almost sickening.

At first, it's just harmless flirting.

Then he notices the little things— you don't eat that much, easily space out in conversations, lethargic, and has always a forlorn look on your beautiful face.

You, on the other hand, have repressed your emotions to look 'strong'. Annabeth tries to be there for you but she is suffering too.

That's why you bawled your eyes out when Leo asks you about Percy one night.

After that, he swears to you that he will be there to help you cope and look for your brother as well.

He lessens the flirting, shifting to jokes and funny stories that make you laugh.

Disobeying the rules in the dining pavilion, he eats his meals with you on the Cabin 3 table.

You're the first person he brings in Bunker 9, letting you use the place for your own leisure. You often nap there.

Despite the instant attraction, trust gradually grows between you and Leo.

You weren't some silly crush anymore but someone Leo can confide in, and he to you.

Those who observe see that you are becoming lively again. Your smile is no longer forced, you're now eating well, and looking forward to training and games.

The moment you realize Leo wasn't just a friend was because of some jerks who think you were out of his league.

"Come on, man. She wouldn't date you."

You quickly walked up to them and kissed him in front of everyone.

To say Leo is surprised is an understatement. He almost blew up right then and there. That was his first kiss.

You had to pull him to your cabin to confess properly. Let's just say Leo had more than his first kiss that night. 👀

You two aren't officially dating yet, probably because of the war that's about to come.

However, you act like you do— displaying affections, acts of service, and most importantly, keeping each other alive.

There were no need to exchange I love yous, actions were more than enough. Though, Leo loves saying that to you whenever he can.

Annabeth knows Percy will likely kill Leo but if he makes you happy then why not?

Flashforward to Camp Jupiter, you walk to Reyna with Jason and the others. By the distance, you see Percy running towards you with his hands reaching out.

He engulfs you in a hug that you're sure will break your ribs.

"How come my little sister got smaller?"

"Shut up."

You both feel the heavy weight of worry on your shoulders disappear, Percy tigtening his hug on you if that was possible.

Even with the danger looming over all of your heads, you felt safe and content in Percy's arms. Everything seems perfect.

Now, there's only one problem...

How can you tell Percy that you're in love with Leo without the chances of drowning him to death?

[themusingsofacurlyhairednerd]

In Love and War (9)

Summary: The completion of the wards falls on an anniversary Warlord!Rhys can't forget.

Content Warnings: Mentions of Death/Infant Loss; Depression; Mentions of Drinking.

Author's Note: Brought the story back just to fill it with angst, I'm so sorry!

Previous Chapter/ Masterlist

---------

Rhys is gone by morning, his side of the mat cold. My head feels like it’s full of cotton; mouth full of sand. My bones ache, most of all my hands, it’s an effort to stretch out my fingers without feeling like my skin might tear right off the bone.

At least I haven’t covered the tent in vines while I slept.

There’s a waterskin and some rations left beside the mat for me, after a couple minutes of trying to rub the stiffness from my fingers, I sit up and scarf it down like I haven’t seen a meal in a week. My stomach certainly rumbles like it. I wonder if an increased appetite is a side effect of expelling so much power?

Once I’m finished, I slip back into my armor, wincing at the smell that clings to the leather. I need a shower, desperately! We’re supposed to be meeting up with Cassian’s group today, hopefully that means we’ll return to the valley soon and I can find some place to get clean. 

By the time I’ve finished with the laces, Azriel’s poking his head in the tent and giving me a five minute warning before camp starts to move. He doesn’t offer up any answers as to where Rhys is before disappearing again.

Hoping the minatiny of this familiar task will help lessen the tension in my muscles, I make quick work of tearing down the tent and getting it all rolled up to leave. My head still feels terribly foggy, but I suppose I could still feel like I was going to tear out of my skin, so I’ll take it as a win. 

Azriel helps me get the supplies mounted onto Rhys’s horse, but the warlord still doesn’t show himself until right before we leave. He wears his cowl again, the stars covering his eyes, the heavy fabric shielding his wings from the cold mountain air. His gloved hands grab my hips and lift me into the saddle and he swings silently into his seat behind me without so much as a hello. 

I try to not let the silence get to me, but worry worms its way into my chest the longer we go without speaking. Had I done something wrong yesterday? Was he irritated with how slow my progress has been? He seemed pleased last night, had I misinterpreted it?

His powers seem… dull today. The starlight not so bright, his shadows sluggish as he stitches the wards back together. His body is heavy against my back, like he’s having a hard time holding himself upright.

“Are you ok?” It takes a couple hours for me to work up the courage to ask.

He nuzzles his cowl covered head against my neck. “I’m all right.”

“You’re quiet today,” I say gently.

“Just a little tired,” he assures.

“Did you not sleep?” I was so exhausted last night I hadn’t been aware enough to see if he’d fallen asleep with me. He’d been so exhausted when we’d made it back to camp I’d just assumed he was out as fast as I was.

“I’ll sleep when this is done,” he replies.

My chest aches at the thought of him being up all night, tying these wards back together after spending all day babysitting me and my errant powers. “You need to rest too.”

He kisses my temple, his lips like ice against my skin. “I’ll be alright.”

A few more minutes of silence stretch out between us, the only sound the horse’s hooves against the rocks and boisterous conversations of the men behind us. They’re in good spirits today, making bets on whether or not we beat Cassian around the mountain. Rhys makes no attempt to join the conversation, his focus still on the wards.

I see no sight of the other group ahead of us, just lots and lots of mountain, and some dark clouds ahead of us. We might meet Cassian as the storm arrives to meet us. I shiver at the thought of what might have happened to me if I was still out alone in that kind of weather. It’s almost cold enough to snow, if I had still been looking for game in that poor excuse for clothes, no real shelter to be had, I’d be dead. It still hits me like a slap to think that Tam left me out here, knowing I could die, knowing I wasn’t prepared to make it on my own.

“How do you feel today?” It’s not the first time I wonder if he can hear my thoughts somehow. He always seems to know when they turn to Tamlin.

“My head feels like it’s full of cotton,” I say truthfully. “But it is better than yesterday.”

He twists to find the waterskin and passes it to me. “It might feel like that for a while.”

I subconsciously bring my fingers up to rub my temples. “Suppose it’s better than clawing at my skin all day.”

“It will help if you keep practicing,” he assures. “The more you get comfortable with it, the less energy you will have to put in expelling it. It will come out naturally and it will hurt less.”

I think the bones in my fingers might snap in half if I keep trying to summon claws after yesterday. 

He stops warding long enough to cup my hands together in my lap. “Just practice making those flowers, like last night. No shapeshifting on Midnight, he doesn’t like having fangs near his neck.”

“Your horse’s name is Midnight?” I can’t help the laugh that slips out of me. Death Incarnate rides a horse that sounds like it got its name from a child! It’s so very un-Warlord like of him that I can’t help but smile.

“He was born at Midnight, so his name is Midnight,” Rhys counters and Midnight huffs in what sounds like agreement.

“Oh of course, I was just expecting something… more intimidating, I guess.”

Midnight shakes his mane in a way that looks to me like I’ve insulted him and I run an apologetic hand over his silk smooth neck. 

“It’s intimidating,” Rhys insists.

“It’s cute,” I amend.

He huffs as he leans his chin down against my shoulder, hand leaving mine to resume his stitching. “I was ten, it sounded cool to a ten year old.”

I try to picture a scruffy haired ten year old Rhys, but come up empty. “Even cuter!”

“Hush, you’ll ruin my reputation,” he warns, nipping playfully at the juncture of my throat and shoulder. 

“Your reputation is safe with me,” I swear.

He chuckles at that, but as my focus shifts to practicing like he suggested, he once again slips back into silence. His shadows drift lazily over my arms and wrists as I practice, as if watching my progress. Sometimes they brush soothingly over my shaking wrists, or rub circles into my palms when the tension becomes too much, but Rhys says nothing for hours.

The storm on the horizon continues to drift closer, the temperature dropping the further into the mountains we go. When I start to shiver, he draws his cloak around the two of us, and tucks himself a little tighter around me to share the blissful warmth of his body heat, but even then he says nothing. 

Worry once again worms its way into my chest. Is he hurt? Did I do something wrong yesterday? Did he somehow figure out what I’d done?

I worry my lower lip between my teeth to avoid him seeing me wringing my hands the longer this drags on. We don’t stop for lunch, only for a brief period to let the horses drink from a small stream, and not even long enough for us to dismount and stretch our legs. It’s a quick drink and then we’re right back to it. The men seem pleased with this, the less stops mean the sooner we reach the rendezvous point and beat Cassian. If any of them think something is amiss with Rhys, they don’t voice it.

It comes to a point that I try to catch Azriel’s eye to see if the other male notices anything off with his warlord, but Rhys keeps us steadily ahead of the others, leading the way into the coming storm. 

The wind beats relentlessly at us now, I have to shield my eyes by tucking my head inside Rhy’s cloak. Still, Rhys doesn’t slow, even if I hear the heavy rasp of his breathing beneath his chestplate the harder he pushes. 

By nightfall, lightning streaks across the sky in angry slashes, thunder echoing off the mountain tops. I can smell the rain on the wind, though trouble finds us first when a lightning strike hits the side of the mountain and a rush of boulders and debris come raining down on our heads. 

Rhys’s magic flares in a protective shield above our heads, sheltering us from the worst of it, and once he’s sure everyone is unscathed, he presses on. 

Still, none of the men protest. Not even when the rain finally comes. It beats down on us like thousands of icy needles, pelting relentlessly against every bit of exposed skin it can find. Rhys’ cloak protects us from the worst of it, but even for all its magic properties, it can’t keep the rain from sliding down into our boots. 

I try not to complain. I’ve been through worse. But my teeth are chattering and I’ve done my best to curl up into his chest to try and preserve any bit of body heat I might have left. “Rhys, are we going to stop soon?”

I’m not sure at first that he can hear me over the rain, but his body shifts, an arm wrapping around my waist and then Midnight is moving faster, uphill. A few minutes later, the rain stops. Well, not stops, I can still hear it, but it no longer beats against us. 

He slides off the horse and I hear the wet thwack of his boots against stone before he hauls me down onto the ground next to him. I don’t know how he’s not shivering, he’s as soaked as I am.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs, pressing a damp kiss to my forehead. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

We’re in a large cave carved into the mountain. It’s cold and damp and so dark I can barely see, but it’s not raining on us any longer so I’ll take it. The rest of the men file in behind us, proving the size is bigger than I can make out in the dark. 

“Az, get a fire going,” Rhys orders. 

“This the spot we’re meeting the others?” One of the men asks.

“It’s up the ridge,” Rhys returns as he pulls off his gloves and shoves them in his pocket so he can help rub some warmth back into my fingers. “I’ll finish it in a moment.”

He brings my hands up to his lips and as Azriel gets a fire going with some debris littering the cave, I get the first real look of him all day. “I’m sorry, Darling,” his eyes are rimmed with dark circles and bloodshot, face pale. “I’m sorry.” He keeps repeating it even as he kisses my knuckles, more like he’s talking to himself than me and my chest cracks open a little more.

“It’s ok,” my teeth are still chattering. 

Some of the men find the wood they’ve kept wrapped and dry and get the fire growing, but Rhys pulls me farther into the dark, deft fingers unlacing my chestpiece, the leather sticking to my damp skin. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers again and even though he’s still brushing his lips against my forehead while he works, I don’t feel like he’s seeing me at all. He’s far, far away from me, body moving on instinct and I reach out to touch his face.

“Hey, I’m ok,” I promise.

But he won’t stop moving, not until he’s completely stripped me of all my wet clothes and found something dry to slip me into in his pack. They’re all way too big for me, but they're dry and I can’t make any complaints about it. 

“Was distracted,” he mutters to himself, hands pulling my damp hair off my neck and into a swift braid. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m ok, Rhys,” I assure. Some warmth already returning to my stiff limbs.

He still doesn’t hear me as he leads me back over to where a roaring fire now blooms in the heart of the cave. A few of the men stand around it, warming their hands, but the rest remain dutifully near their horses, waiting. 

Rhys throws a blanket around my shoulders as he helps me sit like I’m incapable of doing it on my own. At least all the supplies had been covered in waterproofing before we set out. Nothing has been ruined. Anything too soaked to be of use gets left draped over some rocks near the fire to dry out.

“Better?” His own wet clothes make a puddle around him as he kneels next to me, making sure I’m fully wrapped up in the blanket. 

“Better,” I confirm, and I mean it, the heat is delicious, warming the rock beneath us so that the chill is no longer seeping through my clothes. 

He leans in to kiss me gently on the lips, like I’m made of glass or something. “I’m sorry.”

I try to reach for his hand to assure him that I am fine, but he pulls away before I can. 

“Stay with her while I finish the wards,” he orders Azriel.

I drag my attention away from Rhys to look at the other Illyrian. The orange glow of the fire of the sharp planes of his face make him look like a primordial god. 

“You shouldn’t go alone,” Azriel returns, muscular arms crossed firmly over his chest.

Rhys huffs as he strides past him, “Stay. With. Her.” Then he’s back on his horse and riding back into the rain before anyone else can try and stop him. 

Azriel sends some of the men out with him before settling down next to me on the floor.

I don’t know Azriel well enough to start up a conversation, at least, rationally I know that. That doesn’t stop me from trying anyway. “Is he ok?”

Azriel throws his wet boots to the floor to dry out with a sigh. “Today’s a bad day.” His wings flair out behind him, shaking out water droplets that make the fire hiss and sputter.

I glance at the remaining men, who make themselves comfortable and busy doing anything other than sit near the two of us.  “What’s today?” 

Hazel eyes flick briefly to me, and I get the distinct impression he’s sizing me up, before he goes back to starring in the fire. “Feyre…”

Shit.

“She died five years ago today.”

I glance back towards the mouth of the cave, out into the rain, even though I can’t see him out there in the dark. 

“She…” Azriel throws another log into the fire with the energy of someone who just needs to be doing something with his hands. “She was pregnant. A boy. They’d just found out the gender.”

I don’t know what to say. The beast that lives caged beneath my skin howls and rages against my bones, like it might break free and rip through the pain I feel shred my soul at the realization of how deeply Amarantha had hurt him. My claws tear easily through my nail beds.

“He always gets like this on the anniversary,” Azriel continues. “Usually does some reckless shit and drinks himself half to death.” He too glances out the mouth of the cave. “Give him some space tonight, ok?”

I nod, not trusting my voice to speak. 

“He’ll need you in the morning. It’s usually worse the day after, when he wakes up and realizes…” he trails off.

“When he realizes she’s not coming back,” tears prick the corners of my eyes. How many mornings had I awoken, still anxious that my mother had wandered off while I slept, only to remember she was gone?

“Yeah.”

“Will you check on him, in a bit?” I tuck my head against my knees. 

“No,” Azriel replies. “If I leave you alone tonight…” he lets the words hang there, but I get the point. The look in Rhys’ eyes earlier was clear enough. If he thought for even a second that I was in danger tonight, after what he’d already lost, he might just tear the whole world apart.

I pull the blanket tighter around myself and lean back against a boulder, trying to get comfortable. I’ll just have to wait up for him then. He has to come back eventually, right? He’s not so distracted by the date that he’d stay up in the rain all night, would he?

Azriel brings some food out for me a little while later, and some of the men start playing card games to pass the time. We don’t speak any more after that though, the silence only broken by the pounding of the rain against the mouth of the cave. I barely have the stomach to eat anything, I just keep staring at the entrance, waiting.

Today isn’t the day to ask him why he chose me. Tomorrow won’t be either. That’s ok. For whatever reason, it doesn’t feel like it matters right now. He needs me. I’ll be here. Whatever the reason fate brought us together, whatever either of us intended to do, tonight it’s irrelevant. Tonight I don’t want to think about all the trouble behind me. I just want to be here for him, like he has been for me. 

The hours start to tick by. Some of the men unfurl their sleep mats around the fire and drift off. Azriel sits dutifully beside me, spinning his dagger in his hands, only getting up every now and then to feed the fire. Rhys still doesn’t return. 

My fingers drift absently to my chest, to that spot where I sometimes feel that thing that ties me to Rhys. I don’t know that it’s really a bond, it seems cruel that the Mother would tie me to him when he deserves someone better than me, but tonight I hope that it is something. I push on it, hoping that there’s another end where he can feel me. An end that tells him I’m here if he needs me, if he wants me. I can’t replace her. Or what he’s lost. I won’t even begin to try, but if he wants me, I will be here, waiting.

“You should get some sleep,” Azriel says after a while.

I shift my position to be a little closer to the fire. “No.” I don’t need to explain myself, so I won’t try.

An hour past midnight, horses come into view through the downpour. As I sit up, hopeful that he’s finally back, Cassian dismounts from a horse covered in mud. Mor follows, barely conscious, her rain slicked hair plastered to her face. She yawns as she stumbles over to the fire, and strips right there in front of everyone, her wet clothes hitting the floor with a thwack. 

I don’t miss the way Azriel quickly looks away from her. 

Cassian only chuckles as he throws a fresh pair of clothes at her. 

Once she’s changed and holding her own blanket, she settles down next to me with a grin. “Guess you guys win this time around!”

“Yeah,” the words come out of me absently, my gaze still fixed over her shoulder, trying to see past Cassian and the rest of his men as they file in. 

Azriel stands to help them light a second fire, further blocking my view. 

“He was right behind us,” Mor assures, following my gaze. 

I find myself biting my lower lip again as my gaze jumps from one male to the next. Where is he? He should be back by now! But none of the faces that slowly come into view as Azriel gets the fire going is the one I want to see. 

My lip is bleeding from how much I’ve been biting on it tonight; I move to start biting at my nail instead. He shouldn’t be out there this long! Azriel says he gets reckless, did he do something stupid? What if he’s hurt?

Mor reaches out to grab my wrist and only then do I realize how deeply I’ve been digging my knuckles into the knot that’s been steadily forming in my chest. Her eyes are gentle as she pulls my hand away. “We weren’t followed, he’s fine.”

The beast beneath my skin snaps and growls. He’s not fine! He’s alone out there in the cold and rain, in pain and I can’t shake the feeling that he needs me… but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it.

“He shouldn’t be alone.”

She glances over to Azriel and Cassian before looking back to me. “Trust me, he wants to be. Just give him space.”

The minutes drag on for eternity. Mor lays down next to me and drifts off almost immediately. I’m so restless I’m about to start pacing. I might have actually gotten up and done it if Azriel’s disapproving gaze didn’t land on me the moment I tried to stand back up. Bastard!

It’s probably no time at all before Midnight finally comes riding through the rain into the mouth of the cave, but it feels like eternity, as if I’d been holding my breath the whole night. The knot in my chest loosens as Rhys jumps out of the saddle and finds some scraps of cloth to dry the horse off with. 

His cloak is still drying across the fire, his clothes now sopping wet. Every move he makes leaves a puddle behind him. The strands of his dark hair have slipped free from the knot he’d tied them in, the long locks now clinging to his face. It takes everything in me not to get up and push them out of his way for him. 

He strips down to his boxers quickly, tossing his ruined clothes somewhere behind him carelessly. The glow of the fire makes the circles under his eyes darker as he snags a wineskin from one of the men. 

I watch as Cassian tries to make a joke, but Rhys just huffs at him as he pushes his hair out of his face and takes a long drink from the skin. 

I’ve waited all this time to make sure he’s ok, but now that he’s back I don’t know what to do. Azriel told me to stay away tonight, and by the looks of it, he’s following his own advice as he finally retrieves his mat and lays down near the entrance of the cave. Cassian hovers for a few minutes, trying to make conversation, but Rhys just keeps drinking and ignoring him, his gaze lost in the flames. Eventually he gives up and gets his own mat ready for bed. 

I wait, watching as Rhys finally sits down in front of the other fire, the light glistening off his damp skin. The shadows trace his tattoos like I often find myself wishing to do with my fingers. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I’m supposed to make this better for him. But when my world fell apart, he’d come and held me, so maybe he needs that too?

I swallow the lump in my throat as I finally stand, dragging the blanket with me. 

For once, Rhys doesn’t seem to notice me, eyes still locked in the flames as he brings the skin to his lips and drinks again and again and again. 

I should be afraid of him. All the males in my life were violent drunks. The scars on my side are a testament to that. Rhys is stronger than all of them, and I have no idea what he’s like drunk. But I only feel trepidation because I don’t want to make his pain worse, not because I think he’ll hurt me. I don’t think he’s capable of that.

I take the blanket off my shoulders and drape it around his, careful of where his damp wings drape across the floor. Only then does he glance up at me, his eyes glassy. Wordlessly, his hand brushes over mine, barely holding on, just enough to give me a little tug, asking me to sit. For a moment, I just sit next to him under the shared blanket, but his skin is so cold! He’s not shaking only because he’s had enough to drink to keep him from noticing.

Damn me, and the stupid thing that lives in my chest that feels like it’s breaking from my inability to fix this. I’d thought what I was feeling might be pity at first, but now… now I can’t help but think I manifested this somehow, when I asked him all those days ago if he would show me how to be a good mate. 

I had spent most of my life wishing this kind of pain on him. I’ve gotten what I wanted and I hate every bit of it. This isn’t what  I want at all!

Slowly, unsure of myself, I twist so I can wrap my arms around his waist. At the very least, my body heat might keep him warm. He stills under my grip, body rigid. Maybe this was the wrong move, maybe Azriel was right and I should have stayed away.

“What are you doing, mate?” He whispers in my ear, voice slurring.

I tuck my head against his bare chest. “Want to hold you.”

“Why?” His hands shake as they trail down my spine. 

“You’re sad.” That’s an understatement, but I don’t know how else to put it. “I’m not very good at this comforting thing, you know? But you’ve held me when I’ve been sad so I thought, maybe, you would want that too.”

He goes quiet for a bit and I think maybe I’ve lost him to the horrors that plague his mind again, but then he tosses the wineskin to the floor and rolls us both onto our sides on the rough stone ground. The stone is uncomfortable without a mat, but he shifts so his arm is beneath my head, and glides my leg up over his hip so we’re chest to chest. I’m not sure how warm he’ll be with the fire at my back, but I hope my body heat will transfer to him well enough. 

“You didn’t have to stay up for me,” he says.

I gently trace my fingers over the swirls of ink on his chest. “I know, but I wanted to. I didn’t want you to be alone.”

He nuzzles his face against mine. “Will you stay with me?”

“For as long as you need,” I assure.

His wing comes up to cover us, but he doesn’t close his eyes, fingers drawing lazy shapes against my back. 

“You should sleep,” I try but he shakes his head.

“Not tonight.”

I wonder if he sees what he’s lost as clearly as I do in my dreams, but it feels like a bad time to ask. No need to further dredge up those awful memories. 

“You said you used to tell your mother stories,” he says, the firelight dancing over his face. “Will you tell me one?”

It is an easy rhythm to fall into, as easy as breathing. The words spill out of me, the tale weaving itself along with the tempo of the crackling wood and the pouring rain around us. I tell story after story about the nymphs and the dryads, in a world long before Hybern and Amarantha, long before war tore our people apart. I talk until the fire starts to die, and the rain becomes a dull thud against the rocks outside; until the words become as heavy as my eyes. He never says anything during my tales, but he never closes his eyes either, hands still wandering absently up my back. The gesture more soothing than he realizes, I don’t think anyone had ever held me like this. My eyes droop despite my best efforts, words starting to slur.

“You should sleep,” he says.

“Don’t want to leave you alone,” I confess, but my eyes are so, so heavy. The strain of the last few days still weighs on me. 

My vision is blurry, sleep pulling on the edge of my consciousness, so it has to be a trick of the light that I see tears in his violet eyes.

He buries his head in the crook of my neck, breath stuttering out of him, and I realize that it’s no trick. Not when I can feel the damp stain across my sleeve. He muffles a sob in my shirt, the dull thundering of the rain enough to cover the rest. My fingers move instinctively into his hair, brushing through the tangled strands., my senses once again alert and awake.

The knot in my chest aches so deeply I think it might keep me awake for days.

“I wasn’t fast enough,” he whimpers. 

Gods, how many times had I whispered that very thing into the dark, rocking myself to sleep, trying to soothe myself with all the possible ways I could have saved my parents, even when I knew it was futile? 

“There was nothing you could have done.” That’s what you’re supposed to say, right? It sounds right. Sounds like what I wanted someone to tell me when I spiraled down into the depths of my depression. 

“It should have been me,” he sobs.

I draw him tighter against me. If I had any way to draw that pain out of his chest and take it into my own I would. I’d do anything, offer any distraction, sacrifice any plan, to take that burden off my mate.

The world feels like it zeroes in to that one, particular point.

My mate.

Of all the godsdamned times for it to click into place, for him to be right, it had to be here, in this damp cave when I have no idea how to make any of this better. I’m out of my element, in more ways than one.

“You…” I’m having a hard time breathing around the knot in my chest--no, the tether in my chest, all jumbled and tangled by all the fucked up stuff between us, but a tether none the less. “You can’t think like that.”

“You don’t understand-” he growls into my throat, but I cut him off, “Yes, I do. I do understand what it feels like to have the people you love ripped from you.”

His body stills under my hands again.

“I understand the emptiness, the loneliness, how… dark and cold and fucking brutal the aftermath is because there is suddenly no one there to tell you that it’s not your fault. There’s no one to assure you that they would want you to live and not carry the weight of it on your shoulders every godsdamned day.”

He slowly tilts his head back to look at me, his face tear streaked. I move my hand out of his hair to brush some of it off his cheek. “No one can replace what you lost.”

Slowly, he leans his head into my touch. “And I’m so sorry that you’ve lost so much.”

It’s unfair that one person should have to lose so many of the people that he loves; looking at him, I can’t believe how close I was to bringing even more pain into his life. If I had succeeded… gods I would have been worse than my father!

“But I have to believe that you are still here for a reason.” He should get to have a life! Whatever that costs me, he’s more than earned it. “Even if you haven’t found that reason yet.”

Rhys leans back down against my shoulder with a sigh that makes his wings shake. “It’s so heavy,” he whispers.

My hands go back to his hair, working through the knots the rain has created. “Show me how to help you carry it?”

His wing comes back over me again, his weight now fully on me. Somehow, it feels like that helps the tether linking us together settle. The ache… soothed, just a bit. I drift my hands from his hair down his back, careful to avoid his wings, soothing over hard muscle, until his breathing stops feeling so shaky. 

“Distract me,” he whispers.

“Whatever you need, Rhys, I’m here,” and I mean it.

“Tell me another story?”

“As many as you like,” I promise. It’s the least I can do, for my mate. I shove all the fear and uncertainty the word brings to mind into a quaint little box in the back of my mind; bury it under layers of emotional damage I’ve never dealt with and refuse to let my thoughts run away with me. I will figure it out tomorrow. I will find a way to make sure I don’t become another scar on his heart. He can’t ever know what I planned to do… it would ruin him.

And I wouldn’t survive it.

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Tag List:

@judig92 / @randomperson1234sblog / @nyxbranwenn / @lilah-asteria / @barb00235

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@landofpetrichor / @hjgdhghoe / @buttermilktea11 / @yourforeveryoungblog / @sassyn

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@blessthepizzaman / @bxtchopolis / @erencvlt / @mylittle-flower-loves / @zanaorian

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Thank you all for your patience! <3 I'm trying to get back on schedule with this!

[amica-aenigmata-naboo]

Little Love

Christian Yu/Mito x Y/N - drabble - 1K WC

Masterlist

Warnings: TW! self harm, slight depictions of self harm, nothing too graphic tho, this is actually pretty based in reality for me so I tried to depict depression/bipolar as accurately as possible,

------------------------------

You slipped your shoes off quickly, throwing your bag and jacket to the floor before rushing up the stairs to yours and Christian’s shared bedroom. He had been in a low for days. He hadn’t gotten out of bed since yesterday morning but you kept him fed and hydrated, trying to keep him entertained so he wasn’t alone with his thoughts. You had only slipped out for a few hours this morning when he was sleeping, needing some sunlight and picking up coffee for the both of you hoping to cheer him slightly. You panicked when he texted you asking why you left. You told him you were on your way back before he sent a chilling text:

“I don’t want to be here anymore.” 

“Fuck!” you said as you dropped the coffee’s and started sprinting the two blocks back home. And now here you were stumbling through the door. The bed was empty, you instantly pushed into the bathroom. Christian sat on the floor but all you saw was blood. You yanked your shirt off, holding it to his bleeding arms.

“Oh baby no… honey what happened…” the cuts weren’t deep thankfully. You gently took the razor blade out of his hands, tossing it away. You had him push his forearms together to hold pressure. “Ok my love, I need you to stand up with me really quick, ok?” He had a thousand mile stare but when you gently tugged him up he followed without hesitation. You had him sit on the counter before you grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink. You wet a washcloth, dabbing the blood that had dried around the numerous cuts. They weren’t actively bleeding anymore, you just saw the angry red skin around them. You remained calm, this wasn’t the first time you had cleaned up his self harm, but every time it broke your heart. 

As you finished cleaning the blood you went to spray an antiseptic on his arms, “This might sting lovely, I’m sorry but I'll make it quick.” You sprayed it and blew on him as you did, hoping to lessen the sting. He flinched slightly but that was all. His dark eyes watched you, they were glossy and you could tell he wanted to say something. When you met his eyes you stopped your movements, sending him a gentle smile. You held his cheek with one hand, kissing his opposite cheek before you got back to work. You tenderly dabbed a soothing antibiotic cream onto each cut with a q-tip before placing gauze on the expanse of his entire forearms. You wrapped his arms up before securing the wrap and holding his hands.

“All better…” you whispered, pressing your lips to his forehead. 

“I’m such a fucking idiot…” he said, nothing but hate towards himself laced his words. 

“No… what do I tell you every day?” you asked him, hands going to hold his face so he looked at you. You thumbed over his cheek bones to calm him, “You are kind, you are smart, you are important…” you said to him, smiling softly. You said this to yourself daily after reading “The Help” as it seemed to somewhat lift your mood as you also struggled with depression. 

“I’m sorry…” he whispered, his hand going to hold the back of your neck so you could lean your forehead against his. 

“Mito don’t be sorry, I understand.” You said, seeing the faded scars of your own on your arms out of your peripheral vision. “I’m still here, I still love you more than life itself… I’m not going anywhere.” 

He closed his eyes and nodded as he let out a sigh. You saw the tears cascade down his cheeks before you pulled him into a hug, he rested his head in the crook of your neck as he continued to cry. You rubbed his back soothingly; as his sobs turned into hiccups you pulled back slightly. His face was puffy, you pulled the damp rag off the counter again, folding backwards so the bloody side wasn’t visible. You pressed it to his forehead, the cool rag making him close his eyes in relief. 

“Let's get you some food ok?” you asked, holding his hands.

He shook his head ‘no’, “Bed.” was all he said.

You nodded, “Ok… if we go to bed I want you to drink a whole glass of water… Can we make that deal?” you said, kissing his cheek. “We can try to eat later.”

Mito nodded quickly, you pulled him to the bed by his hand. You opened the covers, he leaned himself against the pillows, still sitting up against the headboard. You tucked him in, “I’ll be right back babes.” you assured him before taking his empty glass from the nightstand and filling it up in the bathroom quickly. You picked up the razor blade you tossed away before, putting it in your pocket to slip it into the trash downstairs later. You quickly swept the various sterile packagings from the first aid kit into the trash, tossing the bloodied rag into the laundry basket in the corner. You returned to the bedroom with a full glass and two pills, one tylenol and one ibuprofen to help the pain with his wrapped arms. You knew the irritation and sting from bandaged cuts so you wanted to help as much as possible. You handed them to him and he took them without quarrel. He slipped his shirt off with a slight wince and the movement burned. You rounded the bed, going to your side. You shimmied out of your shorts and bra. Standing in your underwear for only a moment, you slipped his discarded shirt on. You looked at Mito as you climbed into the bed, cuddling up to him.

“Awwww I can still make you blush after all these years?” you smiled with a small chuckle. 

Mito’s blush deepened, “I just… you’re so beautiful… We never get tired of seeing you…” he stuttered out. He looked down to meet your gaze, “We love you… I love you… thank you for being here for us…” 

“Always little love. Always.” you leaned up, connecting your lips to his. He kissed you back, holding your face in his large hand.

---------------------------------

Naboo's Note:

Hello! Long time no post for Mr. DPR IAN but here he is!! I will try to post again soon, I'm working on another fic series so I have a lot of conflicting ideas and little motivation lol. Thanks for all the support XOXOXXOXOXOXOXO!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cosmicjoke]

AoT Short Stories Vol. 4: The Former Underground Jail- Levi & Eren:

Okay, again, I'm honestly just struck so much by Levi's kindness, and the awkward but resolute way he tries to express it. I'll never, never understand people who don't get this about him.

So this story revolves around Eren's early days of being in Levi's Special Operations Squad, and having to be kept in a cell in an abandoned castle after a marching exercise ordered for the entire Survey Corps ends up being aborted due to a heavy rain. Because it isn't just Levi's squad that Eren is around here, they have to take the precaution of keeping him separated from the rest of the group, as they still don't know what the nature of his Titan powers are, or whether the can be trusted.

Levi is left keeping watch over Eren in the cell, and notices how miserable he is, sitting in his soaked rain gear. Eren points out that members of the SC don't trust his Titan powers, and they don't want to add to their already substantial worries:

"'That's right', his commanding officer Levi said before turning the lamp in his hands towards Eren. The young man almost looked like an abandoned puppy there with his rain gear still on as he dripped with water, not revealing his expression. Levi's already furrowed brow deepened even further.

Ugh... He looks like one of the beggars in the Underground City. All alone in both body and spirit, just wandering... He's supposed to be humanity's big hope?

Levi let out a loud sigh before delivering a short order.

'In any case, take off that wet rain gear and give it here. You look like a sewer rat. I'll dry it off using the fire upstairs.'

'... Okay.'

Eren lifelessly unlatched his gear, then wrung the rain out of it before handing it to Levi. He noticed Eren's cold and trembling hand and spoke to another one of his soldiers waiting upstairs... He couldn't it if Eren stayed this depressed.

'Petra! Team up with Oluo and guard Eren.'

'Yes, Sir!"

Here we see see Levi's great compassion on full display. He feels awful for Eren, and can't bear to see him so depressed, but doesn't know how to comfort him at all. He compares in his mind the way Eren looks to the beggars on the streets of the Underground City, and wonders how someone who looks that way is meant to be humanity's hope. We can see here Levi's own conflict in putting so much of a burden on the shoulders of someone who's clearly not equipped to handle it. They don't have a choice, but Levi clearly realizes that Eren isn't someone who should be in the position he is. More than that, Levi clearly wants to cheer Eren up, but struggles with knowing how to do so. This is the thing people don't seem to understand about Levi. He's the kindest and most compassionate man, but again, because of the way he grew up, he was never taught the proper way to express that kindness and compassion. Nobody ever showed him how to be gentle or sweet, even as he longs to be. The very fact Eren's clear depression is bothering Levi so much speaks volumes. He doesn't want to see this poor kid suffer. He wants to relieve that suffering, but doesn't know what he can do to lessen it. He's torn between keeping the rest of the Survey Corps safe, and helping Eren. So he calls Petra down to look after Eren for him, knowing she's more well-equipped than he is to doing and saying the right things in order to bring someone comfort.

"When Petra descended the stairs and saw the despondent boy with slumped shoulders alongside her superior officer unable to fully handle the situation, she seemed to recognize what was going on.

'Understood. Um... So is he staying locked up here until the rain stops? That seems a little...'

'That's the decision for now. I'll go check with Hange. If this castle is built to be sturdy, it shouldn't have trouble keeping Eren in check no matter where he might transform... If I know that for sure, I'll give him permission to walk around.'

'Good. I hope he can. Looks like squads with some of your corpsmates are here too, Eren. You want to meet them, don't you?'

'I don't know. I'd be happy to, but...'

'I'm sure they'd love to see you! You've been training away from them for so long.'

Seeing Petra cheerfully encourage Eren made Levi realize once more that he had made the right choice selecting her for his squad.

'Either way, stop sulking like that. This weather's irritating enough on its own.'

'S-sorry.'

As he watched his officer climb the steps from behind, Eren's lowered face wore an expression that had grown the smallest bit more relaxed."

Again, we see that it isn't a lack of wanting to be kind on Levi's part that makes it a struggle for him to offer Eren comfort here, but simply a lack of knowing how to. Petra understands this about Levi, and realizes immediately what it is he's asking her to do, and launches into saying all the right things to Eren to offer him that comfort. This really does demonstrate in such a powerful way just how kindhearted Levi truly is. He thinks about how he was right to select Petra for his squad, upon seeing how easily she's able to encourage and lift Eren's spirits. He picked Petra because he saw her own, great kindness and compassion, and unlike him, an ability to appropriately express it. Levi's own kindness and compassion is every bit a match for Petra's, he just doesn't know how to express it in a way that others will understand. He tries, but it always comes out in this very blunt and at times seemingly rude manner, leading people to think he's callous and cold, when it's exactly the opposite. He tries to help Eren here by offering to dry off his wet clothes for him and then promising to talk to Hange to see if the castle is a safe enough environment to let Eren walk around freely in. He doesn't want to keep Eren in that cell. He wants him to be able to roam around freely and talk with his friends. He calls Petra down specifically because he doesn't want Eren to feel so bad, and he knows Petra will know the right things to say to lift him out of his despair.

Levi's kindness just kills me, as does his own, personal struggle to express it. It really highlights the tragedy of Levi's life, that someone with such a loving and compassionate heart was raised in an environment and by people that made it so difficult for him to convey those feelings to others. Levi's life growing up in the Underground tried so hard to snuff the kindness out of him, but all it really managed was to make it harder for him to express that kindness in a way that could be understood. This is why I'm always going on and on about what an amazing person Levi is, that through all of that, all of the hell he grew up experiencing, and his own struggle simply to survive, he never lost hold of his inherent empathy for others. He never let the cruelty of his life turn him cruel. The tragedy in Levi's struggle is in how it warps people's perception of him, making them think he's some unfeeling, cold-hearted person, when in reality, he cares more deeply and feels greater compassion than anyone. It's tragic to realize Levi's already horrifically awful childhood continues to affect him so profoundly into adulthood, to the point it causes him to be completely misunderstood by his peers. It must cause an immense sense of isolation in Levi, this struggle to make his actual feelings known, and to have people assume he's something he's not, just because he was never taught how to properly express himself and what he means. He tries so hard, though, both to show he really does care, and to offer kindness and comfort in whatever ways he can, even when it makes others look at him like there's something wrong with him. That's exactly what Dimo Reeves meant when he called Levi "awkward but kind". And that really is a testament to what a good person Levi is. He doesn't really know how to offer his kindness, but he tries anyway, because he feels so much intense compassion for everybody.

[pygmi-says-hi]

any writing tips on drug withdrawal? specifically opioids?

yup!

opioids are narcotics (intense pain meds) and hiiiighly addictive. The type of opioid might effect the specific withdrawal as well as the severity of the usage before cutoff.

If the person is using narcotics for medical reasons - they are severely injured and they are taking low doses - it's likely they'll be weaned off. This means they take an increasingly smaller dose until eventually they stop taking it.

This minimizes psychological and physical symptoms to prevent further use and potential danger. There might be couple days of wooziness or irritability but likely they'll be ok.

if the narcotic use is recreational - they are taking it to get high or they don't need it anymore but still fell like they do - the withdrawal will more likely to be unscheduled and severe.

The issue with severe cutoffs of opioids

if the body has gone too long developing a dependence on the drug, it might go into shock after not having it. This could lead to a seizure or a cardiac event. (this is in really severe addictions, but it is a possibility).

timeline of symptoms: (regular is physical, bold is psychological)

You can look this up on samhsa but I'll make it quick.

immediate (24 hours after last dose)

fever, chills, nausea, dizziness, profuse sweating, hallucinations, insomnia, intense acute paranoia and anxiety

later (72 hours)

anxiety, irritability, paranoia, exhaustion, diarrhea, muscle cramps, body aches, dizziness, profuse sweating.

much later (first week and on)*** this greatly depends on the addiction severity, and psychological symptoms take precedence over physical if the addiction is severe.

cravings, insomnia, mood swings, onset of depression, suicidal ideation, irritability, weight changes, body aches, tremors, profuse sweating, cramps

Writing psychological symptoms accurately.

Psychological symptoms of drug withdrawal in general are kind of person-to-person. The character might had a specific reason they decided to start using. This reason will likely have a role in the way their mood swings/irritability/insomnia show up.

It's intense and lessens over time

The first month is like hella bad. Aggression, mood swings up to 100, probably some weight loss that might effect strength, paranoia. After that, if they receive treatment, the symptoms might lessen. The tricky thing about opioids is that the symptoms hang around longer than most addictions.

As in, the character will still have cravings for years (true also of nicotine and some others, but the severity of opioids is insane). Longterm symptoms are depression and cravings, and likely stick around for a while. The character might stay hypersensitive, or they'll succumb and start using again. Your choice, both have avenues of interest.

if the character starts using after a long time of not using

it gets harder to break the addiction every time they relapse. Statistically I think the chances drop something like 20% but I could be wrong, look it up. Either way, there's also a higher chance for overdose.

Because they had been taking a dose of (x) mg for a long time, their body adjusted and eventually needed more. However, their body after weaning off isn't able to handle that amount of narcotic right out of the gate. If they take a high dose immediately, it might shock the body (again) and they could overdose.

hope this helps!

[ruepellie]

I haven't seen a lot of discussion about RSD when it comes to ADHD discussions, so I thought I would do the honors since it's been affecting me for many years and I'd like people to know more about it!

I have had a diagnosis for ADHD but was never told- instead learning I had autism through therapy but still having some behaviors that I could never explain that just Happened.

I learned I had ADHD over the summer, and with that, severe rejection sensitive dysphoria.

before reading, please keep in mind that this is mostly talking from personal experience and some skimmed research! not experiencing RSD doesn't mean you do/don't have ADHD, and it may not appear like how it appeared for me. I don't only have autism + adhd either, so those may also contribute to any differences! ^^

RSD is the immense emotional pain after being criticized, rejected, or even teased (ignore my misspell in the panel). This rejection can be real or perceived, and we react like this because it hurts.

The pain can manifest as aggression, bringing on symptoms of depression (thoughts of s/h, isolation, demotivation, etc) and anxiety/panic attacks.

it can cause physical aliments like the above. For me, it causes my heartrate to skyrocket, heart palpitations, the feeling of being in a crisis, and extreme shaking to occur along with stomach pain.

(In fact, right now I'm going through it because making a post talking about this, despite having & dealing with it, makes me scared of other's opinions on it.)

RSD can also take the form of avoiding situations, people, or conversations where rejection or criticism is very possible.

Like other types of dysphoria, it is out of our control and hard to manage. It can last from days to weeks to months, all depending on both the trigger* and the individual.

I had a RSD episode that was on-and-off for a little over a year or two; getting more tame and bearable as it slowly drifted and stopped haunting my mind with the incident.

Compared to the other times my RSD was set off, this moment was a rather big moment in my life and ended up permanently changing me moving forward - which can be the reason why it lasted so long.

Despite how unbearable it can get, there are some ways to cope with it & lessen the effect it has.

Communicate - If you need time to process something that's told to you, you should say so (as difficult as it is). Tell the person(s) involved about your RSD, how you need time to digest information like this and take some time to relax. Trying to respond to the information while going through the head of the dysphoria will be very rough and might not be what you truly want to say.

Distract - This is really useful for me personally! Do something that grabs your attention or occupies your mind. One of RSD's main symptoms is rumination, thinking of something over and over again. I usually listen to music, draw, or play a game that won't frustrate me - like minecraft! (i'd say rain world but some of you would call me a maniac /lhj)

Perspective - This may require some communication, but it can really help and connect with others. See what the involved people thought / perceived, explain, talk. This doesn't always have the chance to end in rainbows and rekindling but at least you understand. Sometimes simply hearing the person explain their own side is enough to ease my RSD, being able to have someone explain themselves to me so i can understand them better.

I also wanna point out the "don't take it personally" thing that people try to use to deal with it isn't something i agree with since we're going to take it personally at first regardless. Later on, not really, but you're trying to cope with the symptoms... telling someone (or yourself) that they're too sensitive & over-reacting is the worse thing you could do.

With time, you can even begin to build up your 'armor' and be able to sustain yourself in situations you might get hurt in. Of course, some things may be able to sneak past and hurt you more than you expect, but at the end of the day, you're trying your best to go about it the best you can while taking so many blows. you're doing great.

OK i dont have a lot more to add so if anyone else would like to talk about their experiences, please feel free! Character showcased here was my beloved fursona Shiki! i'm just a little neurodivergent + black artist from new york :]

hope you enjoyed it! sorry for the long post </3

[maopll]

Hello I'm not sure if my request is allowed since i did not see it on the rules so pls ignore it it is not allowed.

May I request Leona, Jamil, Rook and Malleus with a S/O who is suffering from depression? Another thing is they have caught the reader trying to unalive themselves, and harming themselves, their mental health is also getting worse. I'd like to see the boy's reaction and how they'd comfort their S/O(since it it similar to my current situation).

I understand if you're not comfortable with this request or do not want to do it. I also apologize of it is against the rules. I'd also like to say that I enjoy reading your works a lot. Please take care of yourself. Thank you and enjoy your day!<3

Let me heal your scars

| twisted wonderland !

⌗:, scars on the outside heal after a time. but...are there any methods or medications that can heal the scars inflicted on the inside?....

⌗:, a/n: anon I am comfortable with this request as I myself have gone through similar situations but you need to push through ! I hope you find solace in whatever keeps you happy and please don't do anything that might unalive you ! I love you <3 I have added things I kind of felt when situation like those happened

⌗:, warning: mentions of reader unaliving themselves,, trauma,, mental health issues,, read at your own risk ! angst !

⌗:, pairings: leona, jamil, malleus, rook w/ gn!reader

,,your depression has gotten worse. you still have freakish nightmares and you slowly start to wonder "do I really have any worth?" "maybe I am useless" "it is my fault that I always fail". these thoughts keep plaguing you mind it's as if someone is telling you to just k!ll yourself. maybe you should just?....

LEONA refuses to let anything get to his weakness and he would absolutely hate it when someone or something is the reason his cherished herbivore is going through hard times and having negative thoughts. He believed that when you are with him no dark thoughts would engulf your mind but...not everything can be kept at bay...

whenever you would visit savannahclaw you would most wear short sleeves or if you ever wore a long sleeve it would be mostly during winter but short sleeves were your favourite. However he noticed a sudden change in your clothing pattern with you wearing long sleeves more than often and turtlenecks . He may be laidback but he too once aimed for the throne of a king...

He knew you would never tell him so when you were sleeing in his arms he looked under your sleeves and for the first time he was frightened and covered in cold sweat.

" [name]...why do you have those cuts on your hands and on your neck ?" for the first time, your leona was dead serious with anything and his voice was a decible lower than usual. you knew that you would have to provide an atleast believeable excuse to make him believe. but no matter how much you tried to answer you felt as if you were being engulfed by the floor and damn gravity never felt this heavy.

you burst into tears. the thoughts, the pressure of life, the decisions, everything fell on you like a thousand bricks. he sucked at comforting but he knew hugs were your favourite. he told you to cry as much as you wanted to. he patted your back and offered to listen to everything you've been going through those days.

he may not be able to relate with you but atleast he can lessen the pain you've felt.

JAMIL himself had to undergo some strict training in his childhood but he had to admit that whatever happened with you nothing of the sort happened to him. so he couldn't share the nor understand your feelings but just know...that he will do whatever it takes to help you

you would visit his dorms and sometimes dance with him under the moonlight with passion because it was something you wanted to do, something that would be very intimate but recently he saw less passion in you and frequent absences of your presence on many days. he thought you were busy but there's no way that you would be absent for two weeks right?...

he was on his way to Ramshackle dorm to see what you were doing, and if there were any homework, he might help you with those, but he definitely didn't expect your silhouette standing on the highest balcony railing ready to jump. he was frozen with fear. 'there's no way that YOU would do this..'

as soon as he saw your feet leave the railing, he sprinted to the spot where you might fall, and thank goodness he caught you just before you hit the ground. you have some explaining to do cause he was taken aback, he couldn't grasp what was happening and he was definitely sweating HARD.

" WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING JUMPING OFF THAT RAILING ?! DO YOU WANT TO REALLY KI–" you cut him off by shouting "WHY DID YOU CATCH ME I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE LET ME GO" and that was your last straw as tears flowed out of your eyes like a waterfall and you were sure you were crying like a baby at this point.

Jamil can read the room very well so he sighed and said that you can tell him everything later on and he is sure that it is definitely trauma inducing otherwise you wouldn't have tried to jump off

he know how heartbreaking it would be to see you cry but he wants to let you let go of all the pains and sorrows you have experienced these days.

MALLEUS here has no idea. this man child is learning human emotions because he pretty much grew sheltered so he learns them by looking at you. Things that invoke happy emotions, romantic emotions, sometimes sad emotions but what is this emotion that you're feeling right now?

I feel that he is able to sense emotions that his lover feels. dragon instincts I guess. but while most emotions you feel smelled sweet, strong or sometimes like petrichor..this one smelled like poison ivy. why?

he may be learning but he doubts that those scents were anything but normal. while he did want to ask you about it you would just change the subject. he knew you were hiding something. his instincts are on another level when it comes to you

he sensed that you might be in danger so it's best if he investigated it by himself and not long after did he find blood stained knifes and ropes. he was horrified. to think that the one whom he cherishes so much would be trying to part away from him for eternity, to take away their own life. he can't have you do that. not when he already made up his mind to keep you by himself while he rules.

you made sure to check all your surroundings to see if everything was in place but you failed to notice that one knife was missing which malleus brought out in front of you when you didn't notice him. "[name]...why were you doing this to yourself?..." he was sad and heartbroken. his voice sounded like he was on the verge of crying and so were you. he was the last person you wanted to find out about your...intentions of killing you life...

no matter how much you tried to tell him something your mouth would only open just to close the next moment because you just cannot bring yourself to tell him. you dropped down on the floor telling him that "I just can't do it...I can't deal shit with life...everything around me feels like they are judging me..feel like they will engulf me and no matter what I do I'll just be useless all over again.." he couldn't reciprocate your feelings but he can surely make you feel better. such a person as yourself who stays bright and cheery should not be crying on the floor nor should they feel sorrows. he hugged you close to his chest while he told you that he would listen to everything you want to tell him.

if he can't shield you from sadness and mishaps then how can he call himself a worthy ruler who would protect the people..his people? so he would do anything in his power to make sure you never shed those tears again.

ROOK here knew exactly the moment when you seemed more gloomy and down than usual. you would talk less, eat less, and those eyebags were so prominent that they could be noticed from metres away.

Something is not right...he thought to himself. how could his always cheerful and perfect other half be so under the weather these days. looks like he needs to know about the origin of your sorrows. He is a stubborn one so he is going to and he WILL find out whatever or whoever has cause you pain. He knows for a reason that it's gotta be something from the past looking at how you don't want to tell him and looks like he was right....

he is slowly unfolding your bedsheets, opened your drawers, and investigated your kitchen knife. bigger sorrows usually lead to rash decisions and looks like he was right. he is a master archer and hunter. the smell of blood being too familiar to him to be able to trace the scent in the knife being yours.

he knew that it may be a possibility, but the fact being true makes him feel...crestfallen. how? why? when? all these thoughts raced his mind. he knew your reason for doing these would be even worse and heartbreaking. but he had to confront you and comfort you. so that's when you seeked you out in the middle of the night when you were almost going to drift off to slumber.

"[name]...were you trying to hurt yourself?" your eyes grew wide like saucers. you've never seen rook look so dejected and serious. you told him yes and showed him all the scars that wrapped your body. you felt tears threatening to spill from your eyes and..oh? why do your cheeks feel wet?...

his usual signature smile was now a ghost of itself and he had a frown. he hugged you as tight as possible and let you freely cry all over on his chest. he shushed you softly and told you to tell him everything you went through and let go of those past emotions.

with him here he swears to never let anyone or he himself be the reason of your tears. he can't afford to see his amoureuse stain her beautiful face.

a/n: sometimes you just need to let go of all those who belittled you or trampled over your pitiful self. you should now grow a stronger version of yourself and start your life anew <3

[on-a-lucky-tide]

Ok so, I love all the shorts you post on here, you are building up a background of Competent Officer but Emotionally Stunted Price and Emotionally Intelligent and Badass Nik. Cool, fabulous.

But I've got to ask; what is Nik's sore spot?

With the extra decade it does make sense that he is more sure of himself and his relationships generally but you did touch on it with the body image/food one and mentioned it in passing with the how they met bit. Does the age gap get to him sometimes? All the loud machines (and guns) is he worried about his hearing going?

Or, his English is pretty good but does he sometimes get lost with fast speakers/strong accents?

What about something more silly? Is he fine with spiders but gets freaked out by daddy long legs (like me)? Is he wildly afraid of moths? Is he fine with big injuries but if he get a papercut is it the end of the world? Does he suffer terribly from Man Flu?

On a more domestic note, what irritates Price about him? I mean, no one is perfect right?

Does he always leave the bathroom in a state? Do all the broken noses mean he snores like a bear with a head cold (admittedly that might apply to Price as well)? Is he like my Dad and has very strong opinions on adverts and regularly go on rants about how the ad has nothing to do with the product? Does he like Marmite and Price hates it (or vice versa)?

Some excellent questions. I think Nik's weaknesses or vulnerabilities are tied up with his strengths, which I know sounds weird, but hear me out:

- This man is mad intelligent. He speaks eight languages, he canonically can fly pretty much anything (from what I've seen). He was significant enough in knowledge and skills for MI6 to go for him twice. Weakness: his intelligence can sometimes make him coldly logical. Look at how he didn't even blink twice at terrifying Butcher's family; I think that feeds well into Price's ruthlessness. He cares deeply about those he loves, but if you're not "his"? He won't even blink when pulling the trigger if it will help meet his goals.

- Linked to the above, he values his physical strength and his intellect. They make him worth something and he doesn't feel he has any intrinsic worth just as Nik. (Overbearing and demanding Soviet General father made it clear Nik needed to earn his place in the world.) If he feels they are declining or lessening, this is going to throw him through a loop. Big time. (Well noted from the food ficlet.)

- I think he was hugely, perhaps even suicidally, depressed when he turned informant. That conflict of loyalty and morality would have been difficult for his mind to process. I think that explains his apparently unflinching loyalty to Price and Laswell. In his eyes, they saved his life by giving him a purpose. (Nik you stupid fuck you literally set up Chimera and you're a hugely wealthy arms dealer off your own back wtf mate.) Nik never really had time to heal from that, he papered over it and got on with the job. I think as he settles down with Price, he will need to go to therapy. A lot of it.

- He is untidy (not unclean) at home. Laundry on the floor by the basket, never puts books away, gets fixated on a project at the expense of other things. It's like he left the military and his psyche rebelled against the bits he hated the most. Price can't compute how he can be so clinical at work and yet a complete clusterfuck at home. The garage is full of vehicles and appliances he disassembled and never put back together. Man's lucky he's dynamite in bed.

Nik is a "good" man in so far as he can be in a morally grey position. I write him with Price, through Price's lens, so we see "hero protagonist Nik" because that's who he is to/with Price. However, I do have a little ficlet tucked away when a jealous Ghost confronts him in Paris, and he tells Ghost, "If you take a shot, boy, you better not miss, because it will not happen again", and Ghost realises just why Price chose this man as his life partner. He's exactly the same level of ruthless.

[grae-98]

Treatment

Set between 1880-1890, You have been feeling and acting off. After visiting the doctor's he sends you off to stay in Pelican Town where you are set to receive treatment for your condition. Upon arrival you learn the doctor administering these treatments is better than you think.

Harvey/ unnamed reader

2nd pov

3867 words

trigger warnings: reader is diagnosed with hysteria, mentions of depression, cheating/ adultery, doctor/ patient relationship

smut tags: fingering, cunnilingus

notes: i do have this posted on ao3 if you'd prefer to read it there. I kinda interested into making this into a short series, if you're interested let me know!

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7

 Treatment

“I believe we may need to seek alternative treatments for this type of abnormal behavior you wife seems to be displaying.” The nameless faceless doctor assures your husband. “It seems to be Briquet’s syndrome. To put it simply for your wife, here it is defined as-“

“Are you calling me hysteric doctor?” You cut in before he could even care to explain his own definition.

“Darling! I’m very sorry doctor as you can see my wife is surely not well. What would be the alternative treatment you speak of?” His statement was that of pure fact with little to no concern for his own wife.

“Normally I would recommend a simple rest cure, but I have a clinic I can recommend on the coast. It will also give your wife access to the sea air, which as you know is good for her feminine liquids.” He says “The doctor there is a friend of mine. He lives in a small area in the country called Pelican Town. I would recommend your wife stay there until she feels her symptoms lessen.”

“I see doctor thank you. I will be sending her soon, my grandfather happened to have a cottage in that area.”

That was all the preparation you received. Not even two weeks after meeting with the doctor you were being packed onto the train to be set off. Settling your skirts as you sat to look out of the window. The countryside was getting denser the further you traveled. The lush trees were scarcely letting in the midafternoon light. Checking your gilded pocket watch there was only 20 minutes left of the journey.

You were angry, you were alone, and you were left to stay in his grandfather’s hunting cottage with only two members of staff. Yes, you could dress yourself, but how were you meant to prepare meals or launder your dresses let alone mend them. But maybe this doctor will be able to help with whatever imaginary issues are at hand.

Stepping off onto the platform and taking in the surrounding environment. It’s all very quaint. You’ve been there only once before during one of your husbands hunting trips. It seemed like any cottage house that you’ve visited but now this one you’ll be staying in for heaven knows how long. The clearing of a throat brought your attention to in front of you. A tall man with light brown hair and well-groomed facial hair stood before you. His clothes were tailored handsomely but seemed to be worn in

“Hello, pleased to make your acquaintance. My name is Dr. Harvey, you must be my newest patient.” He holds out his hand crooked slightly to the left. Staring at it with mild shock you place your hand in it to make a slight squeeze to greet him back. He quirks his eyebrow up at you taking the hand put before you. He seemed rather young to be a doctor. He didn’t seem to have any grey to his hair nor many lines to his face.

“Yes, it seems so. I didn’t realize for my treatment you would make house calls. I would have figured I’d come to your clinic.” You say as you drop your hand from his.

“Normally yes but given the nature of the treatment I would have thought you might be more comfortable in your own home.”

“And why might that be?” The doctor seems to flush at this statement and looks to the help that is beside you.

“Please do take that inside. I will be in shortly.” You shoo away the man helping you carry your suitcase.

“You haven’t had any discussion of your treatment before coming here?”

“I cannot say that I have. I feel as though I have been spirited away and left from my friends.” You say with an awkward giggle.

“Ah, well I see. I will discuss it with you further after we have a bit of a chat. I would like a better list of your symptoms before starting.”

“Yes, very well. Please do come in, I haven’t anytime to explore yet. I am sure we will still find some place to speak.” Opening the wooden door.

“My apologies, I was told you were to arrive yesterday.” Harvey removed his hat and his coat upon entering the cottage.

“I’m not sure who told you that, but as you can see, I have just arrived. I’m sure I will still be able to make time to answer your questions about my diagnosis.”

He seems very caught off guard by the direct statement. The same man who took your case earlier drops off a tray to pour tea. With a quick thank you the man is seen off. You sit in what seems to be a very old couch across from the doctor. Pouring one cup for yourself and one for him. He leans over to take his cup as you begin to speak again.

“I am very well aware the doctor who sent me to you says that I am hysteric. I feel that is not the case. I am bored, there is hardly anything for me to do. I find the typical ladies’ activities to be rather dull. My husband clearly does not love me otherwise I wouldn’t be talking to you right now. I have long been disinterested in my husband and he me.”

“When you speak of disinterest?”

“I mean that my husband and I have not been in… amorous congress in quite some time.” You give a slight pause in the middle of the statement to find the right words to say.

“And do you find yourself frustrated with the lack thereof?”

“On occasion.” You answer truthfully. Harvey seems to be writing down everything you’ve told him thus far.

“Aside from those, do you feel any other physical symptoms that weren’t there before?”

“I do, yes. I find myself often fatigued. I feel as though I cannot sleep a wink at night, and I do suffer for it in the day. Some days I feel ravenous with hunger and other days I could hardly be bothered to eat a crumb. It all feels very strange to me, and that is what I told the doctor. Look where that’s gotten me.”

Harvey nods solemnly and scribbles more notes into his small leather-bound journal.

“Well Missus we will be able to rectify some of these odd behaviors of yours it’ll just take some time. I will be back tomorrow to begin your treatment; I would prefer to give you a little while to settle in your temporary home.

“Thank you, Dr. Harvey, I shall expect you tomorrow in the morning say around 3pm?”

“Yes, very well. Gald to meet you.”

“You as well doctor.”

It was early the next morning when you rose. Something about the fresh air allowed you to be able to sleep much deeper than you are used to. It was a lovely way to wake, with no lingering tiredness or aches. Placing bare feet on the floor you open the windows outward to let in the light and cool ocean air. Taking in a deep breath you move your way back to bed to ring the bell to signify that you’re awake.

After a simple breakfast of eggs toast. The eggs tasted a lot fresher than you were used to than in your own home. However, there wasn’t much time before the doctor would come to visit and you had a few things left to do before seeing him. Writing letters to your friends back at home to explain your journey and explain the place where you are staying now.

Three pm came upon you far too fast for your liking, but it was nearly at 3 o’clock sharp that Dr. Harvey came calling. He greeted you with the tip of his head as he walks into the room to find you sitting in the same place you were yesterday.

“I hope you hadn’t waiting for too long.” He speaks as he takes his seat across from you.

“Unfortunately doctor that’s all I seem to do.” He nods taking a seat.

“I came to discuss with you about the method of treatment that I had mentioned yesterday. After our meeting I strongly recommend this course.”

“Do please explain.”

“You will undergo a treatment that will involve you being able to expel your feminine liquids. Since you and your husband do not share each other’s company, and it is difficult for a woman to expel them herself. What this means is that I am to stimulate to for you for your health.”

“I see.” You blush at the doctor for even mentioning it.

He clears his throat before speaking, “I can feel your hesitancy, but I can assure you this will be relatively quick.”

“How exactly will you ‘stimulate me’ doctor?” You ask in meek voice attempting to sound more emboldened than you are at the moment.

“Easily. I will place a hand on your abdomen and the other I will massage until I feel that you had a paroxysmal convulsion.”

“I see. You said it would be relatively quick?”

“As quickly as I can.” He says with simply too much enthusiasm.

“Alright then. Let us try this new treatment then.”

You bring him to your bedroom for your ease and comfort he told you. It only occurred to you now as you slide your bloomers from under your dress that this man was going to see you. Doctor Harvey has you lay on the bed in such a way that he can stay standing. Sliding your dress up your legs you ask him a question.

“Doctor, how many patients have you done this treatment for?”

“Plenty while being trained on the treatment, but none since I came to practice here. Are you feeling nervous at all?”

“I am yes.”

“I will do my absolute best to ease any discomfort you may have. You will feel a slight pinch in the beginning but it should get better over time.”

He did not lie to you. As he entered a single finger to your entrance there was the familiar drag of skin to your dry opening. Sucking in a pained breath he stopped for a single moment.

“As I said it’s worse in the beginning. I will be better soon I promise.” He looks at you with concern in his eyes. You can tell he doesn’t want to be doing this anymore than you want it. Nodding to him the doctor moves his finger once again.

You feel your muscles relaxing while he moves his finger in a gentle front and back motion. Slowly coaxing the tingle from your belly; you begin to shift your legs higher onto the bed they were already perched on. Then just like a canary you sang a song. The dampness that spawned from a desert was amazing. The glide of the doctors’ finger within you had you singing a praise you didn’t know you could sing.

“Oh stars, Doctor Harvey this is incredible. Please don’t stop.” He responded by pushing the hand on top of your stomach just slightly harder while adding a second finger. Breathing heavily you look down to the doctor to see his sleeve rolled to his elbow, forearm flexing as he pushed his fingers into your newly soaked heat in earnest. Rolling your head back as he moved the hand on your stomach down slightly.

“I’m going to try something tell me if this doesn’t work, okay?”

He began to add more pressure to the top of your monds while pressing his thumb to the hood of your clit. The reaction was instantaneous, your hand grabbing to the one holding you. Wrapping your fingers around his wrist like you’re trying to ground yourself as your hips are now shaking to meet his thrusting fingers. Staggering breathing between throaty moans and cries of him to not stop whatever magic he is doing. You can hear the unmistakeable squelch as he moves his fingers is rapid movement. You feel like you’re on fire like everything is you is burning. The dress you’re wearing suddenly feels like a 40-pound weight, the muscles in your stomach begin to tighten so deeply they feel they’re about to cramp. Your free hand that’s not holding onto the doctor grips the covers beside you. You know you’ve been near screaming when you feel the two fingers leave your body. Breathing heavier than before you sit up to the edge of the bed.

You watch the doctor grab a linen from his bag to wipe off his wet fingers. Casually curling the rag around each of his fingers and down the palm of his hand. He looks to you as you stand and attempt to fix yourself in the slightest.

“Thank you Doctor, that was a very informative treatment. Although, dare I say, Mrs. Harvey must be a very happy lady.” You say towards him with a smile on your face. He responds with a laugh.

“Heavens, there is no Mrs. Harvey. I am unwed; however, I’m happy that you are feeling better after just one treatment. We will have to continue this for at least a few more weeks, just once a week to make sure you’re well and comfortable. “

‘No wife?’ you think to yourself ‘How has this man remained unmarried? Certainly that was incredible and it was unlike anything felt before.’

“I do not know how long I may be here. I don’t see why we shouldn’t make this twice a week to speed up recovery time.” You hope that you’re not coming across more crass than you intend to be.

“I can understand your desire to go back to your home, but I would rather not try to rush your recovery. Your symptoms seemed to be mild at the very least so just once a week should be okay for now.”  Slight disappointment washed over you.

“Next week then Doctor?”

“Next week.” And with that he left.

Six weeks have gone by since coming to Pelican Town. The spring was now turning to summer and the heat was getting slightly more intense.  Although you’re by the ocean so the blazing sun doesn’t seem as blistering as it would at home. Living in the country seemed to have its perks. The small community seemed to be the backbone of this town. There weren’t very many people to get acquainted with and the home in which you’re staying doesn’t have the space to host but nonetheless you’ve managed to make a few friends here.

You made fast friends with Robin who is aware of your condition and promises to keep things quiet after she heard your cries from an open window during a treatment. She is the local carpenter and was coming by to offer her services when she heard the cries. Even with that she offered nothing but support and understanding. Her previous husband tried to have her institutionalized after the birth of her first son before his death.  Thanking the heavens above for your husband who apparently loved you enough to not send you there.

Your treatments otherwise have been very helpful in restoring a delightful mood. Today is a day for Dr. Harvey to come and visit. As the weeks have progressed you’ve invited him later and later to have him join you for dinner.

As the clock tolls 5 o’clock there is a sharp knock on the door. You hear the voices down the hall.

“Doctor Harvey, will you be joining the lady for dinner this evening?”

“If the lady wishes it, I would be glad to.” Harvey responds back. You can hear the rustling of his coat being collected and the footsteps of his approach. It almost feels like a response on these days. Once the footsteps come close you feel your body light with want.

“Doctor Harvey, it’s good to see you.” You say, smile plastered on your face. Standing to greet him. You move your way across the floor meeting him behind the couch. With a quick glimpse behind him you grab his forearms.

“It is good to see you as well. I am to take that I will be joining you again this week for dinner?” He says to you as you look up to him giving his arms a reassuring squeeze.

“As you know I get rather lonely here. What better company than the wonderful doctor that’s treating my illness.” He laughs as you lead him to your bed once again.

This will be the eighth treatment from him, and he will need to reassess after the tenth has been finished. Hoping your time with the kind doctor doesn’t come to an end too soon you pray that he will find some reason to keep you here longer.

You’ve become accustomed to not wearing anything under your dress on the day the doctor comes to visit, and each time the nerves wrack up your spine.

“Feeling giddy today it seems?” He spoke as he rolled his sleeves up once again. It doesn’t seem like you will tire of looking at the pale skin of his arms. Knees backing into the side of the mattress.

“In truth doctor I’ve been having impure thoughts. I used to not have anything like this before.” You loosened the cover that sits over your corset. Allowing you more cooling air to hit your mostly covered chest.

“And what type of impure thoughts are they?” He asks as he helps you slide your dress further up your thighs after you lay in your designated spot.

“I don’t think I should tell you.” You say to him while he pulls up the chair you brought in for him around the week four mark.

“I am your doctor, I think you should tell me.”

“I want to know things that I shouldn’t want to know.”

“Now you have piqued my curiosity. Do tell me.”

You take in a short breath before answering, “I want to know how your moustache feels. How it feels against my legs, my chest, my arms, here.” You stop to point to your mouth before continuing. “And most of all. Here.” You open your previously held together legs to show him the growing damp.

You swore you heard him let a slight gasp before he traced a finger to your outer lips. His eyes scan your half-dressed body to meet your own. He tilts his lip to give you a smirk.

“I believe some of that might be arranged.” He spoke so softly as he lifted your left leg into his hand. Lightly pressing kisses to the inside of your calf. You sigh in content when he moves his mouth higher up your leg. Trailing feather light kisses until he reaches the inside of your thigh where he planted a hot kiss. You open your legs a little further urging him to meet your center and offer you release. Even slower than before he marks wet lips to where your thigh dips. Steaming breaths cloud his rounded spectacles as his mouth hovers over you.

“Harvey…” You whimper. He takes one quick tentative lap with the tip of his tongue against you. You shiver, hands planted firmly onto your knees as you spread them as far as they can go. Fully displayed for the man, slick lips puffy from the morning when you failed to achieve what he can do successfully.

He lets out a shaking breath before muttering something. Before you can ask him what he said his mouth attached itself. Lips suctioned onto the sensitive part of you that he has learned to maneuver with his thumb. Gasping for breath you keep griping the tops of your knees until he dips his tongue into your entrance. Hand sliding down to his hair, and he moans into you. The vibration alone causes you to moan back like it was a call.

“Gods above!” You exclaim. Hand feeling his hair for the first time and it was so soft beneath your fingertips. You mistakenly move your hips up to meet his muscle and he lets out a low growl using both of his hands to keep your hips in place. He laps at your sex with hunger and want to push his head further into you.

Your moans begin to fall off your lips in words of praise and delight. Both hands now twisting wildly into his hair when he lifts the bottom of you. Placing your legs on his shoulders he grips your butt to raise it from the mattress. You start to chant his name like it’s the only word that’s in your mind. He moans into you again and this time you could nearly faint.

“Fingers, Harvey, I need your fingers!” You cry as you feel the intense tightening begin to threat. He obliges and pushes the two fingers into you. The combination of the licking and sucking with the pump of his fingers makes you claw at the sheets. Crying as the damn broke, he began to slow his fingers.

“No, please don’t stop. One more, one more please.” Who is he to deny you. He removes his mouth from you to speed his fingers once again. Curling the fingers your eyes are squeezed shut. Legs held open my sheer force of will, toes curling against the cover. The intensity is so great for this. Your legs begin to quake, breathing labored as moans keep falling from between your lips. His hand moves slightly faster the obscene noise coming from your body would leave you embarrassed if not for how much enjoyment you were getting out of this. You open your eyes to find Harvey palming himself through his trousers. Prominent bulge showing through the tan fabric. You whimper again as you reach your hand out towards him just to feel. That’s all you told yourself. He lets you feel the thickness of it through his trousers. You could feel the heat of him seeping through into your palm and when you look up to see his face you’re awestruck.

Glasses tilted slightly, naturally wavy hair falls in a mess on his head, some even sticking to his forehead, moustache matted down against his parted lips, cheeks flushed and panting heavily. You threw your head back against the mattress whole body shaking against the surface. Harvey let out the longest and loudest groan as you looked down in horror. Shooting up so fast it nearly made you topple over

“I- I am so sorry Doctor Harvey! I didn’t realize that I could… Did I make water on you?” Harvey had no worded response. He quickly reached out to cup your face to haul you in for a kiss. Moaning once again but now into his mouth that tasted like you. Your lips parted only to meet again after heads changed directions. Your hands threaded their way through his hair again. Touch starved and lonely the both of you. As you broke apart you looked into each other’s eyes.

“Oh no.”

[acourtofthought]

Would you still consider it a celebration if Gwynriel’s book is next, bc it at least confirms endgame couples?

I will be very happy for Gwynriels and very relieved that it will help lessen the ship wars though I think I'll still feel disappointed.

I want Elucien to happen but I also adore Elain and Lucien as individuals so an Elucien confirmation isn't the entirety of what I want for them.

Az and Gwyn absolutely deserve a HEA and their own healing arcs but there is something to be said for the fact that right now, they are surrounded by love even without a relationship. Yes, they have their own internal struggles but they have a really strong support system, people that have their backs, that encourage them, that believe in them. Az and Gwyn both have their found families but neither Elain or Lucien do.

Elain and Lucien are regularly pushed to the side in favor of the other characters. I understand why that is, SJM has to stay on course with the narrative that they still need to find the court where they'll thrive, but in the meantime that has resulted in them being misunderstood by the others. It results in others speaking for them, the others not encouraging them or helping them find their powers. Hell, Feyre has known about Lucien's real father since ACOWAR and it's almost two years later yet she's still letting him wander around aimlessly thinking he has no place to go.

A Gwynriel book being next means we're going to have yet another book of Elain floating around the River House with no real purpose. Lucien drifting between Spring and the Human Lands while Tamlin remains depressed which means Lucien will feel the effects of that. Elain again not having the chance to have a POV on how she's feeling about the loss of her father, being made, Graysen's rejection, Az's rejection, how Nesta and Az believe she shouldn't be allowed to do anything dangerous. If a Gwynriel book takes 6-9 months, that means nearly three years will have passed from when Elain will have been forced into the Cauldron, given powers from the Cauldron that she still hasn't fully explored and hasn't been given help on training, a confirmed mating bond that remains unaccepted and unrejected, and we will have never had a single person actually ask her how she feels about any of that outside of Feyre's "you couldn't say a single word to him?"

I will be happy for Gwynriels but how can I personally be super excited when that means my two favorite characters will once again suffer for another 6-9 months without having the same support system in place that Az and Gwyn already do?

Gwyn and Az might not have romance yet but they are respected and loved by their friends and we've witnessed that on page. Meaningful moments, moments where their found family have gotten personal with them and asked them to get personal in response (though Az is kind of terrible in that area, we've seen Cassian and Rhys at least try).

Lucien has "friends" in Vassa and Jurian but we've never actually seen that connection, we're just told it's there so we have to assume it is.

And when he tried to open up to Feyre, she made fun of him.

Elain has "friends" with the wraiths but again, we're just told about it rather than witnessing moments that make us actually feel it. And yes, her sisters love her but they don't try to connect with her (Feyre only thinks of her as a pleasant companion).

And the IC, while friendly enough with Lucien, don't necessarily embrace him with any kind of true respect. There's always this underlying current of "can we trust him?", "what can he do for us?" And of course we know Az has issues with him.

The need to prove that both Elain and Lucien belong somewhere other than where they currently is starting to feel a tiny bit overdone to the point that it's a bit cruel, and while that to me would be a perfect time to end their suffering, I can only imagine what another book of that would look like.

[eternal-echoes]

“Testosterone also wreaks havoc on a woman's emotions. One YouTuber named Gibby remarked, "Being on testosterone has made me cry less. I wish I could cry right now, but it's not going to happen."(10) Some infer from this that testosterone helps to ease depression, but a woman's inability to process emotions is not a sign of improved mental health. Because testosterone boosts confidence, some who receive the drug might feel that their challenges in life have lessened. One woman noted, "It puts a Band-Aid on all of your problems for a while until you realize that it hasn't fixed anything.”(11) Keira Bell recalled that while she was taking testosterone, "I couldn't release my emotions." But when she halted the hormonal treatments, she noted, "One of the first signs that I was becoming Keira again was that-thankfully, at last—I was able to cry. And I had a lot to cry about."(12)

While some women who take testosterone don't experience these side effects, many do. Helena Kerschner believed that testosterone would be the right choice for her, but discontinued the injections and recalled:

I would have like such overwhelming rage attacks that I actually would end up hurting myself instead of hurting others because I was just so out of control. I couldn't control myself. I felt like a monster ... before I was on testosterone when I would have a really strong emotion, it might move me to tears and I would just cry and sob. But while I was on testosterone, I lost the ability to cry very easily. So I would get that intense emotion but there would be no outlet and then for one reason or another that would trigger anger. I would get so angry and frustrated and that anger was just so overwhelming. And I got the urge to really externalize it. I got the urge to hit things or throw things. I just didn't want to do that. I felt so out of control that I would just kind of take it out on myself to calm myself down and to be an outlet for that rage.(13)

Because these side effects were so troubling, she scaled back on her use of testosterone. Reflecting on how the promises she heard about transitioning weren't materializing, she said, "This is not matching up to that fantasy I had as a teenager. As a teenager I was kind of promised, you know, like this is going to save your life. This is going to make you feel authentic. This is going to make you your true self. This is going make you so happy...It's trans joy."(14)

-Jason Evert, Male, Female, or Other: A Catholic Guide to Understanding Gender

—

Work cited:

10) "Trans vs Conservative Men: Is Masculinity Disappearing in America?, Middle Ground," https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=376432230764656

11) "Biological Woman's Hour-Keira Bell," https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6X530mxSA (This book was published in 2022 but the video is no longer available in YouTube). 12) Keira Bell, "Keira Bell: My Story," Persuasion, April 7, 2021, https://www.persuasion. community/p/keira-bell- my-story.

13) "A Story of Detransitioning, Michael Knowles Interview," https://youtu.be/5HbPz]y9gkY.

14) “A Story of Detransitioning.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HbPzJy9gkY&t=9s&ab_channel=MichaelKnowles

—

For more recommended resources on gender dysphoria, click here.

[notdefendingtaylor]

the most worrying thing to me about the asylum aesthetic

aside from the clear co-opting of mentally ill and disabled people's historical abuses under a broken, underfunded, and at times deeply unscientific system....

is that mental healthcare available NOW can be a profound help, life changing AND life saving.

but the asylum/love made me crazy/'female rage' imagery of ttpd is provoking a lot of discussion about historical abuses and the actual benefits are getting somewhat lost in that discussion. (scientology, THE anti-psychiatry organization, must be thrilled.)

here are some facts about recovery under appropriate and professional help:

bipolar: "Shorter duration of illness, higher social class, and treatment compliance were associated with higher rates of recovery and more rapid recovery." (source)

borderline personality disorder: "One study found that 77% of participants no longer qualified for the DBT diagnosis [of borderline] after one year [of DBT treatment]" (source)

major depressive disorder: "Clinical and functional remission was achieved in 70.6% and 56.1% of the MDD patients, respectively." (source)

hospitalizations: "it can reduce the stress of daily responsibilities for a brief period of time, which allows you to concentrate on recovery from a mental health crisis. As your crisis lessens, and you are better able to care for yourself, you can begin planning for your discharge. In-patient care is not designed to keep you confined indefinitely; the goal is to maximize independent living by using the appropriate level of care for your specific illness." (source)

what is my point here? contributing to the STIGMA around psychiatric care, trying to couch mental illness in language of romantic shared mania (folie à deux) is not just giving 2005 myspace, it's inherently irresponsible. a 'recovery is possible' mindset is what saves lives and in the US, her home country, the stigma against seeking help works hand in hand with the systematic defunding of mental health care to dissuade people from achieving the recovery that can lead to abatement of suffering and transition into a life worth living.

here's my mental illness cheat sheet:

it's not romantic. it can be associated with creativity, but that's not guaranteed or inherent and may largely be a cliche that sidetracks real functional improvement: "Romanticizing the 'mad genius' myths surrounding bipolar disorder can also be harmful, and have negative consequences on your wellbeing and productivity." (source)

it's expensive as hell to treat, but under certain income thresholds in the US, Medicaid can pay for most if not all of the treatment you might need.

it generally leads to lower employment rates or underemployment but treatment leads to the best outcomes for employment and housing: "undertreatment can have a negative impact on occupational functioning" (source)

substance abuse is a conversation that can't be unlinked to mental illness and for some reason the US seems more ready to talk about that than the underlying mental health issues - because then an element of blame can be assigned to the individual for self-destructive behavior. but addressing the core mental health issues can certainly lead to recovery in other areas, when the substance use is linked to depression, anxiety, etc.

the US loves to talk about mental illness when gun violence occurs, but that doesn't mean those same legislators will vote to expand access to mental health treatment (source)

my #1 tip i have is this: if you don't have insurance or your insurance only covers a fraction of your psych inpatient bill, CONTACT PATIENT FINANCIAL ASSISTANCE AND FILL OUT PAPERWORK TO SEEK A WRITE-OFF. instead of that $3000 bill you can leave owing $500 (or less). literally cannot emphasize this enough! the write-off is based on income so they will need to see your financials to assess what write-off(s) may be appropriate in your case.

peer support groups like National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) may hold meetings in your area where you can discuss your problems and relate to others' who may share some of your struggles. this is basically peer-led, FREE group 'counseling'. seriously, it's effectively nearly as good as the group sessions you might have to pay for, and the frequency is often weekly. (find support)

yes, we can talk about past historical psychiatric abuses and ongoing abuses today, which tend to disproportionately affect the socioeconomically disadvantaged. but the conversation needs to also include the benefits of access to scientifically-informed mental health treatment as well.

[lunar-years]

How do you think Jamie’s mental health issues present/the effects of his father’s abuse in adulthood especially when being in a relationship with Roy and Keeley.

From what we’ve seen on the show alone I think Jamie is very well adjusted in general and has a bright and amazing future ahead of him in every sense ❤️

Cycling back to how his mental health issues present... we actually got a lot of canonical insight into this and to me it's an unpleasant cocktail of repression, overcompensating/excitable euphoria, shutting down, and depression. His repressive tendencies run pretty deep and it's been easier for him historically to push forward by pushing certain emotions down. When he gets triggered by being constantly around his dad in Manchester, he fucks off to Lust Conquers All. When he's upset in Amsterdam, he's cartwheeling down the streets with a hyper sort of constant energy. he's veryyy "i'm so depressed I act like it's my birthday everyday." Then you have moments like Wembley and the week leading up to Mom City where he freezes and falls into subsequent bouts of depression.

To me, I think quite a bit of those episodes stem from the fact that he's spent so long repressing his trauma that he fully does not realize he has it nor has he spent any time openly confronting it. Jame very much that guy who will drop THE most upsetting personal lore whilst laughing and then not understand why the room has gone silent. He can't remember what happened in Amsterdam. In Mom City he tells Roy he doesn't know he's upset, and when Keeley is listing off all the reasons he might have for not being himself lately, he's so overwhelmed by that because he hadn't even considered those reasons, or more aptly hadn't let himself stare them in the face.

Personally I think therapy helps him a lot and he takes to it like a fish to water. Finally he has someone to help him name the things that have happened to him and then help him process and reckon with those things in a healthy way. I definitely think he would learn to lean on others a lot more and develop new coping strategies to lessen instances like the one that drove him to Lust Conquers All.

That said, I think those first few weeks/months/years would be TOUGH. He's dealing with realities about his own life that he's spent much of the course of that life continually shoving down, and there's a lot of big words and diagnoses being thrown his way that overwhelms him even as it eventually relieves him to know there's a name for it.

It would be particularly difficult for him if that level of reckoning was happening at the same time as other big changes in his life, for instance getting together with Roy and Keeley and all the other anxieties that would come with that, or trying to reconnect with his dad. How long and in what capacity James Tartt Sr. remains in his life has to have an enormous impact on how his trauma related stuff presents, esp. given what we see in the finale. His father is very obviously his most prominent and longest-standing trigger. It's that sort of combination, along with him allowing himself to feel emotions outside of shutting down in the face of triggers, that I think could lead to panic attacks.

As for the royjamiekeeley aspect...they all deal with various mental health issues and are incredibly understanding and supportive ofc. As with all things, they have to find their footing and figure out through trial and error how to best help one another, but once they get it down they are incredibly solid. They help Jamie lessen his exposure to the stuff that triggers him (incl. his dad, in whatever way that works) and know how to best help to bring him down from panic attacks, how to talk to him when he's in various funks (he does the same for them), etc.

So it boils down to: I think future Jamie is on very solid footing but that doesn't mean he never stumbles. He's got a lot of healing left to do but I firmly believe he's up for the task.