#It feels like im actively fighting to stay happy and it feels so unfair with everything going around

[ronkeyroo]

Want to perish but hanging on 👍

[cirilee]

i just found a text my browser had saved on a word count website, and i apparently typed it last november while being sad - i just wanna have a place to post it, and it explains why i was gone for most of may through november last year.

if you’re interested, u can read, it’s basically just a long long long vent and i wanna save it somewhere :’)

(and if you wanna, you can tell me what u think of the whole thing, maybe share if something like that happened to you too, because man, this whole thing was WEIRD for me)

bottom line is: i’m much better now and have way better friends then back then and in general, i’m a pretty happy person again^^

My parents and me had been fighting a lot the past years. I still love them. For a while though, it was just shouting matches between us. We weren't really speaking to each other throughout january 2019 until april 2019, so i wasn't informed by them that they were planning to mOVE OUT. And the place they wanted to move to only had enough space for 2 people. now my brother and me had 3 months total to find and finance our own flats. i was desperate. 2 months i unsuccessfully searched for a job or a flat or a way to make a deposit for said flat, without any saved up money. an old school friend offered to move out together. i only saw him once every month for group activities. he was nice, but we also had a bit of a history. 3 years ago he had acted kinda scummy and tried to get me to be his girlfriend because "he couldnt find anybody else” - ending in a "movie night with friends" that turned out to be a trap, where the only one spending the night was me because he only invited me. creepy. he apologized and i forgave him and we were chill and it was normal between us. i realize now, that i should have just left him out of my life at that point. but time was running out, so i gave in and asked myself "whats the worst he could do. i’ve known this person for 12 years and the he's part of my friend group" we set up basic rules, how we would pay for stuff, etc. .. we moved in. it seemed fine. then i noticed that he talked A LOT. and he wanted A LOT of attention. after a day of working on my diploma or working at my job, he would assert himself in my room and try to engage in smalltalk. i am not the hermit type. i engaged with him, i joined in on his conversation. but when i was already tired he wouldn't accept "i'm gonna go to sleep". there was always something else he needed to talk about. I was trying to make clear to him that i needed alone time too, but no matter how honest i was, the message either didn't seem to stick, or he'd get upset and start asking me if i hated him. With that, i could have kept up with in the long run. Then he started knocking on my door. even when it was already late and i already told him i was gonna go to sleep. Repeatedly knocking on my door. At some point he just opened the door. It was 1am. I pretended to sleep. I could hear him breathing, it sounded angry. He eventually closed the door. The next morning i confronted him. He argued it away as him trying to warn me that he was going to take a shower, so that i wouldn't use the bathroom. He started commenting on how i wasn't funny enough around him. in that friend group, i'm the funny one :c. but i cant keep up that energy 24/7 (this was supposed to be a home, not a free neverending standup act, for this one guy). that confused him. the next day he asked me if i had depression. My parents had given me a griller/toaster as a parting gift (there’s a backstory for that too but anyways) my flatmate ALSO had that same toaster. He demanded we make up our minds which one to keep. i didn't understand why this was important to him and i hated discussing this useless topic with him so i stored the toaster in my room. He repeatedly suggested i throw mine away (?). One evening i got hungry and decided i'd make myself a toast in my room. So i made some toast. Suddenly he bursts in. And he starts ranting. "why are you doing this are you CRAZY you cant TOAST in your own room thats DANGEROUS you're gonna start a fire, don't ever do that again, we have a KITCHEN for that. why don't you want to use the kitchen you cant just HIDE from me every day, this is OUR flat  and i want us to live TOGETHER!" He didn't stop talking and it overwhelmed me, so (this is embarrassing, but) i actually started crying and i turned away from him so i could try to control myself. and he just started babytalking me "awww its alright i didn't mean to scare you, but you see, you shouldn't have done that". he tried putting his arms around me, i told him to stop. "you need a hug right now" ...... i was so angry i think my brain might have short circuited because the next hour was me just acting the whole way through. i told him everything he wanted to hear. i was so sorry for almost burning the house down and made up some explanation that my parents were still making me sad, so i needed distance. The next big thing involved one of my best friends. she wanted to spontaneously go out for an evening. so i put on some pants and of course: HE appears in my room, asking where i'm going. i was surprised by the question and just answered "going out with Lina" he left it at that. then suddenly: "can i come too?" He threw me off with that question. Lina had said she needed some advice on personal stuff, so I said "no" because i didn't have a better answer. he got ANGRY. i explained. "Lina wants some privacy, i'm sorry" He starts arguing that Lina is just as much his best friend, and that he should be allowed to hear what she wants to say to me. Before i can reply he slams his door shut. "Don't even try to explain yourself", he says. I told my friend while meeting up with her and she began with the sympathetic "you should have said yes" and we argued about it and then she came out with this absolutely horrifying sentence: "you know how he is. you cant be *too* honest with him. he's sensitive. you need to lie to him so he doesn't get mad" it was as if i'd been splashed with cold water. i said i didn't agree with that. that that was actually unfair to HIM. nobody likes being lied to and treated less than. she called him, told him i was gonna apologize and he showed up with the angriest expression i ever saw in his face. he accused me of being depressed and that he now has the burden of my mental issues to bear. This he assumed because one night i told him about me dissassociating sometimes a few years ago. Then he wanted me to promise i would never leave him, because he's afraid i won't be able to pay my part of the rent. the crowning moment was my friend Lina mostly agreeing with him and both of them berating me for not having my life together because i still hadn't managed to find an open-ended contract job, only limited-time jobs. at the end he justified himself by saying he cant stand my parents phoning me. (at that point they had started calling me everyday and showed genuine concern ... i was trying to reform a bond with them) - apparently he resented that. he knew about my parents disciplining me with face slaps as a kid (when i was 9-11 yrs old) (they feel bad about it, and they they stopped doing it fairly early) in that moment my flatmate chose to tell me ..... (hoo boy i need to get ready to type this) .... "i'm concerned about you. if your father would ever beat you, i would beat him  to a bloody pulp" then he repeated "i would beat him/kill him" a few times, VERY agitatedly. it was scary and at that point i was numb. i didn't really respond, i just said "its fine" or something to that extent. the  thing that made me decide to move out (although certainly among many that followed that night) was this: one morning i informed him i was going to visit my parents that weekend. we had started talking again (as i mentioned before and i wanted to meet them without fighting for once). he says "but you're coming back, right". i say "of course don't be so nervous". i go to work. i get a LOT OF texts from him suddenly. i skim through it. he's mad about me calling him "nervous". i don't reply/read bc i am at work. Then he actually CALLS me. i don't pick up.  now i'm thinking: What is so  important, that he has to call me during work.  there's a 4 paragraph essay in my inbox. "watch your mouth", "you have no right to speak that way to me", "you should have more respect". he was mad i called him nervous. i responded that i don't have time to reply. he argued back. at one point i said "if i cant even call you nervous then i'm ACTUALLY gonna stay with my parents" he fiNALLY didn't reply to that. after a 10hour day i come home. i wanna shower. i go to my room, close the door and start undressing myself. of course, there's knocking on my door. i say "No" he flips out. i calmly tell him i'm only half dressed. he flips out even more, says i'm a horrible person who WANTS to fight because my "no" wasn't a good enough answer and i should have explained in full detail why he couldn't get in. he was actually SERIOUS. this was his reasoning for flipping out. he goes away. not even a minute passes by and he hammers his fist against my door again. "OPEN UP THIS TIME I *HAVE* TO COME IN" at this point i'm beginning to get kinda scared  so i say "come in" He comes in and says he needs me to disconnect with the wifi because he needs it for his work. i calmly say "ok" and disconnect my wifi. he goes away, leaves the door open. i stand up to go and close my door. HE ACTUALLY GOES AND PULLS AGAINST ME TO TRY TO PRY IT OPEN AGAIN. eventually he lets go and then he flips out FOR REAL. he starts screaming about how i'm a psycho, and that im crazy and awful and he has been nothing but nice and that he "saved" me and i haven't been thankful enough.

.... ..

yes, i was in a difficult position. but that flatmate arrangement was made on even ground. he had wanted to move out from his parents for years. i fled and left. called my parents, but they were miles away and laughed it off. i would have probably too. i called my friends. Lina offered to come and mediate. He continued screaming even with Lina there. It culminated with him roaring at me, pointing at the door saying "if you don't like how i treat you, there's the door, leave right now" with lina replying "don't say that, you NEED her money to pay rent!" it was awful, and an eye-opener. the next day, on the way to work, i decided i was gonna move out. and before i could tell him, i get a message from him (!). An ultimatum. he tells me i have 3 options. 1) leave immediately and take my stuff away within a week. i wouldn't have "pay any more than i've already payed" (it was the first day of that month and i had already payed my rent. nice) 2) stay for half a year, but immediately pay him something so that he knows i'll stay 3) stay indefinitely, but set up a " bevahiour contract" with him, so this "never happens again" i told him i'd take option 1 and then i stayed over at a friends house. then at a friends shared appartement. then at dormitary and soon i'm gonna move in with my younger brother. we've been estranged a bit but grown closer through this whole thing. now Lina and him are still friends and lina blames me for "everyone in our friend group" being mad at him. one of her first concerns, was that her birthday parties are gonna be weird now. i am completely done with her as well and don't want her in my life anymore. according to her, I left him with a rent he cant pay  and i should feel bad for that. except i dont. should i though?

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

1/ti/fi anon, thanks for ur reply. to clarify on 1+6, by smoothing things i mean making an active effort to resolve matters by saying sthing that is opposite of what i think is true, which i wont do. but i am fine not saying anything so as not to create or exacerbate a conflict. to illustrate, recently a friend vented at me+my isfj friend about someone she was mad at. from her words it was obvious she was misunderstanding the other person. i didnt point it out right then bc she would feel worse.

2/but tho i knew she wanted to have someone be mad with her/validate her feelings, i couldnt bring myself to dogpile on the other person when he’d done nothing wrong (which she realized few days later). so i said something neutral/noncommital like “im sorry ur having a hard day” technically true and i took care of her chores instead to help but withheld the entirety of my opinion. like i wont actively contradict if the situation calls, but i disengage/deflect instead of saying what isnt right.

3/my isfj friend joined her in anger tho she later told me she had no strong feelings but the other person was a stranger so he didnt matter, her priority was supporting her friend. i dont think shes wrong, and this was a very minor matter in the grand scheme. but even if im never going to meet this person it feels unfair to him and i cant help but wonder, if my friend had felt validated enough to take the argument with him further it would have caused needless strife.

4/re: se, i did consider it, worrying about potential bias in my typing. i test as INxP, but i know its bc i answer “yes” to qs on whether other peoples feelings matter and ofc u cant be a thinker unless ur a misanthropic edgelord. i ruled out judging; while im organised at work, i struggle with decisions and detest planning in advance. my first q was whether the N typing was right. i like adventure sports tho my lifestyle is sedentary. i love tinkering with things to see how they work #TOOLS.

5/but ur old post that resonated was how often im frustrated with the real world for not living upto the conceptual world in my head. my awareness of the physical world is poor for high se (i get lost easily). i crave novelty, but im among the “travels the world but only eats chicken tenders” people. im not sure i understand ur first statement, could u explain it a bit more? to clarify on my end, i know there are things people wont indicate, but i consider that not my business, even if im aware.

6/as they have a reason for not telling me. so i operate based on what they have said, rather than what i know. because of this, i give a lot of weight to words, both my own and others. i agree no one has intrinsic understanding of other people’s minds, incl. high fe. if anything, i find high fe can be bad at this on an interpersonal level as they impose generalizations on people whose needs differ but are bizarrely confident they can “read” people even with said person tells them otherwise.7/re: #8, by social world, i was referring moreso to rules of social convention/appropriateness, which fe users have a knack for (or perhaps define?). they comment on innocuous behaviour (not overt rudeness, things like not greeting every person as they walk into the office) as violating a norm i never picked on and it makes me second guess myself since i never thought of those things. surely everyone has some self doubt, but the frequency of this happening to me made it notable to mention.

——-

Okay, going through this:

1-2: that clarification is helpful. That can just be decent maturity in most types (though as you mentioned FJs tend to side with the friend) - few people are going to full-on throw someone under the bus just to make someone else happy, so the smoothing over, especially if the person who’s upset is someone you like, is often just a neutral statement or “that sounds frustrating.” The just giving in is something I at least use for people I don’t actually respect much and for situations where I don’t think a strong stance will help. Kind of a “don’t get in a mud fight with a pig, you’ll both get dirty and the pig will like it” situation. If it’s a friend who’s actually upset, even if I think they’re wrong, I think most people who aren’t assholes will try to remain neutral or focus on comforting the friend but not arguing until a later time. So…doesn’t really indicate anything other than you’re reasonably mature as a person and probably not an FJ.

I do think Se makes a lot of sense. I don’t know what old post it was but if it was pretty old, disregard it. We’re all capable of idealism - I’m confident that I’m a sensor and I get frustrated with the world sometimes. (I also have garbage spatial intelligence, though weirdly a good sense of direction). I think a current issue now that “intuition is psychic” is no longer as much of a thing is that people think they need to be absolutely flawless in their sensory understanding to be a sensor when it’s really a preference for the concrete. Also, the picky eating is not exclusive to Ne users - that’s one of the many statements that’s true about a lot of Ne users but isn’t really evidence for Ne on its own. My ISTP sister is one of the pickiest eaters I know, my ISFP sister is pretty adventurous. Food especially is weird and influenced by a lot of other things. But getting back to Se, the thought process of “they didn’t tell me, they must have a reason, let’s take them at their word” is more sensor. It’s not that sensors aren’t capable of realizing they might not have the whole picture; it’s that they aren’t going to look for the deeper meaning if there’s not a really good reason, whereas intuitives might look for the deeper meaning even if there isn’t one at all.

You are right about Fe (I find that high Fe users, and especially NFJs, are the worst offenders in imposing a generalized view of how people should be responding) but I think we’re sold that you’re not a high Fe user. The description of not feeling like you know how to interact with people does seem more like that of a thinker. While it’s tough to be positive on Ti/Fi at times, I’d seriously look at ISTP. You sound more like ISTPs I’ve met (than either INTPs or ISFPs), which I get isn’t super helpful but it’s what I’ve got. I’d also look at enneagram 9, which might be influencing the desire to just stay neutral and not instigate disagreement (and is pretty common in both ISTPs and ISFPs but I find more so in ISTPs. ISFPs have somewhat less chill in my experience.)

[morsmordrehasbeensaved]

CONGRATULATIONS DIANA, YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED AS REMUS LUPIN WITH THE FACECLAIM OF LEE JONG SUK!

Diana - it's clear how much thought you put into this application. We were all so excited when you expressed your interest in applying for Remus and we loved reading the biography you wrote for Remus, and your characterization of him just as much as we knew we would! We're really looking forward to seeing how you play him!

Check out our acceptance checklist right here on what to do next!

♔ OUT OF CHARACTER INFO ♔ NAME/ALIAS: Diana or Dih AGE: June 1st, 25yo. PREFERRED PRONOUNS: She, her. THAT CRAZY GIRL OVER THERE TIMEZONE & ACTIVITY: MST. I am present like 8/10, but maybe it’s because I have 1 character, maybe with two will need to be distributed, but it’s not an issue. I am very easy to reach through Skype and IM. TRIGGERS: REMOVED ANYTHING ELSE: REMOVED

♔ IN CHARACTER INFO ♔ FULL NAME: Remus John Lupin, but people would call him Lupin or Remus, and Moony (Just for Marauders, thank you). BIRTHDAY AND AGE: March 10th 1960, 17 yo. PRONOUNS: He, his, him. SEXUALITY/ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Bisexual. EXTRACURRICULARS: Gryffindor Prefect, Charms Club, Dueling Club, Magical Creatures Club (THIS IS SO CUTE!) – We are great with all of those ones <3

PERSONALITY TRAITS: (+) Kindness – His love for those are different like him, always soft words, with genuine empathy. This helped him to understand more the underdogs, people who needed him with all his heart and mind. Tender smiles, chocolates, comforted words and much more than that, for anyone who deserves that, and somehow… everybody needs this. (+) Righteousness – He wants everybody to be equal, because of what they have inside, and not because of their blood. That means that rules, things that are important to others should be important, and not a privilege to some people. (+) Love – This one can be shown in different ways and not just the romantic one. His passion for the school, this place where he was able to be someone, such as his friends. Even when he was reprehending someone, it was with love, trying his best to help people to follow the rules or stop doing bad things. (-) He cannot support the idea of betrayed people who trusts on him. Dumbledore, James, Sirius, Peter. It’s not easy to live as a werewolf and when someone does not care about his condition, they are the world to him, but at the same time a burden. He knows and into problems because of his friends, and sometimes will let them do some wrong things. Because of his love for them, and for their trust. (-) Fear of being alone – I was pondering about this one, and maybe some people would it think that actually, this is not a personality trait. But it is. When you don’t want to be alone, you accept some things, let some actions happened to continue being accepted in a group. Even thou Remus didn’t approve Sirius and James ideas of pranks or the way they treat Snape, he never stopped, because of his fear of rejection. (-) He feels that he is the Underdog too – Remus understands completely his condition, and that’s why he keeps his secret. But, sometimes, it’s not easy to deal with the scars, weak body, always tired and lie. With that in mind, he normally tends to close himself from others, protecting himself against the other dangers that the world could have. He is working hard at this point, and sometimes this terrible feeling and hopes one day he will feel better about it.

BIOGRAPHY:

Since little, some random phrases Remus’s Parents told him came to his mind, dancing in strange moments “My dear, you need to stay home for your own good.”; “We love you, but some people started to talk about your screams and we need to move again.”; “I’m sorry Remmy, mammy really wants that you go to school, but daddy said no. But I will teach you to write and everything you need about the non-magical people” and “Daddy is so sorry about this. That’s my fault. It has any chance that we switch? For one day. And you can run, whenever you want, and I can hold your burdens. Just for one day.” The ages when those were spoken are undetermined, but always there, reminding him about the most scary and hard experience. Somehow, that boy, that now almost an adult, could not understand the world like now, and probably brought more often than never those strong sentences.

Parents and Childhood

Son of the wizard Lyall Lupin and his muggle wife, Hope Howell, Remus since young show to others how magic was inside of his bones. Smart, happy, full of charismatic smiles and gentle empathy with others, had a perfect combination of both parents, giving them the perfect vision of his future. Gracefully, walks nearby the trees, and games with other kids were delightful, helping that little boy start to grow. Always helpful, full of desire to learn more about magic, his eyes glowing with each story of his father talking about boggarts. Life was amazing, and the Lupin family were very happy, thank you very much. And they expected that it was like that forever: simple, full of love, stories and great and shiny moments.

But at the same time the sun comes on the Welsh sky, it can come out quickly. Near his 5th birthday, Remus was really excited. It would suppose to have a big party, many kids playing around and having fun, with also a magician! He could barely sleep when it was resting just a week for this. However, life was preparing something unfair. Two days before his birthday, Remus heard his bedroom’s window brake for something strong. With eyes wide open, he saw a big and “enormous” werewolf, who came straight to him. Not even his screams, the incapacity of moving because it was really scary, could impede that creature to bite him. The pain, that moves for all his tiny and short body was so intense, that he thought that being dead could be much better than that. His eyes could barely see the fight between his hero (father) against the evil (werewolf) because he was trying really hard to survive.

From that night on, Remus could not understand exactly what happened. Suddenly, no one was allowed to be with him anymore, and his party canceled. Everybody, including his parents, looked always scared and crying most of the time. All different and weird feelings came to him, all so powerful and bad. Rejection, fear, being scared, and so much more than looks that never ended, even for him. Being a werewolf – something he learned slowly with his parents – could have him in a dangerous situation. Always. And with that in mind, Lyall constantly tried to find ways to control those horrible transformations, because he loved so much his son. Charms, potions, new houses at different places around Grand Britain were arranged, but nothing could stop every full moon. Remus screams, at the basement, at the beginning were painful to hear, but with the special spells, was almost impossible. But the wolf grows at the same time the little clever boy also grows.

Even with all the challenges, Lyall and Hope realized that their child was the same. Lovable, clever, gentle, respectful and also very kind. Remus was always into books and stories, and being raised almost just for his mother, he loved to learn more about the Muggle world. He wanted to gain the world, see people around him and talk with them, have friends, but it was not possible. This conflict, that most of the time was there, walking around him, was painful. Even more than his scars. People, when they saw him for the first time, imagine that his father was constantly abusing him, and it was not true. Shy, soon he felt more secure inside of his home than outside, where people were judging his parents and that was not fair. The Lupins considered to educate Remus at home, because of his condition, and that sweet boy accepted, being happy to have a wand and learn magic.

But, somehow, he was equal to anyone else. Nearby his eleventh birthday, Remus had an amazing experience to meet Dumbledore. There, in that small house so simple, a big and important wizard came… just to see him. Humbly, he was so happy to see the director of Hogwarts, that asked him all the questions he could barely imagine. The pleasant conversation gains another tone when Remus did not receive like anybody else his letter to Hogwarts. With that amazing conversation, he realized that Dumbledore trusted in him! A little boy of 11 years old (I’m sorry, ALMOST)! He was good at something for that man came into his house and tell that everything was ready for him… a werewolf. For the first time, Remus cried with happiness. And he promised himself that he would do his best to be worthy of Dumbledore’s trust, and this means to continue keeping his secret from everyone.

First years at Hogwarts

Being around people was amazing. At the same time, very weird. Remus always loved the silence and enjoyed the sounds of pages turning while classical music is going on. Somehow, it was really overwhelmed all that kids going to the same school as him. All the conflicted emotions passed thru him when he realized that this journey he would need to take by himself. Happiness, excitement, nervous, and also that how someone could be friend with a werewolf? On that first night, after being amazingly sorted to Gryffindor (the same as his father), he met James, Sirius, and Peter. The first ones were very hyper and follow conversations could be really hard, but fun. Remus, even shy, could it be very humorous and benevolent, always making sure that Peter knew where to go, how to take care of himself. Even they were different, and with such opposite sides of life, the friendship started to be built, and Remus was thrilled.

Have people he could talk with, walk around like a normal kid, and also being able to meet such amazing professors, where insane. Learning magic was always an amazing experience, and he was prompt to help anyone who needed, with a gentle and sometimes shy smile. His sense of responsibility, being soon considerate the “conscience” of his best friends, was always the most important thing for him. Even thou when he needed to lie because of the transformations. He survived the first year. With the house, and space to scream and suffer because was a werewolf was not easy, but bearable. The ideas worked really well and Dumbledore was aware of all of them, helping Remus do confirm his desire to continue being trustable. But this never stopped some very bad dreams, where he was alone, rejected, or when he killed everyone, being arrested to Azkaban for murder.

His biggest fear happened in the second year when he started to realize that James, Sirius, and Peter started to be more interested in why he disappears every month. For a long time, the fear of being rejected, losing his friends because of who he is was so painful that he could barely keep his secret. This state of mind just made it worst all his nightmares, waking him up the whole night, silently crying in bed, while watching his best friends sleeping. Somehow, they discovered, but his worst fears never came. The boys knew everything about the werewolf who lived inside of him, and this would never change their friendship. It took him some days to actually believe in that, waiting for the reality hit him hard on his face. And soon he learned one of the most important lessons of his life: never judge people for who they are. Obviously, James and Sirius would act differently upon that statement, but it doesn’t matter. Remus founded best friends, and he would do anything for them. Because they did everything for him.

Nowadays

After the 5th year, when the Marauders turned to be Animagi, Moony’s transformations started to be less suffered. And with his friends, the interior animal started to calm himself, being able to walk thru the forest, and sometimes almost feel that everything was fine. It was great days and all their memories were written in journals, with his heart on it. His sense of justice, equality, and respect for others never changed and his friends sometimes tried to make him more “malleable”, but not always was easy. Very clever, smart and full of very good words, just his eyebrows elevated for his best friends understand they overpass a limit. But sometimes, it was not easy. He didn’t approve of James and Sirius bullying Severus Snape and other students around the schools, but he loved them so much, and was so grateful for their acceptance, that he did not always stand up to them as much he should have done. His scars stopped to show, and the ones on his face and arms was a reminder of how wild was without his friends, and with them, he could control himself.

On his 6th year, he realized that something was weird. Between parties, prefect responsibilities, tutoring, and clubs, his eyes would never stop to track for Sirius. Being self-conscious about feelings and his own body, for a while he thought was just hormones, and he was looking on Padfoot what to be as a good-looking guy. Until he realized that not all the girls he dated – even with some reluctance from him – didn’t bring warm in his heart, or turning him speechless. Just him. At the end of that year, after many strange experiences, Remus realized the obvious for everybody, not for him: he was falling in love with Sirius. And the worst part? Prongs probably would never be able to return that back. It took him more the entire summer to accept that, especially when he heard that Prongs turned to be the Head Boy of the school.

This last year of school, it was crucial. The imminent war was there, and his father finally told him who bitten Remus when he was almost 5. Being so humble and kind, he knew was the time to start to look for a world where all those bloody things should stop. Remus was aware that his future, even with your love for DADA, or Magical Creatures would not lead him to a good job, but he would try. Soon, the veterans like him, started to divide, in different groups, with weird political points of view. He lost some friends, gain another, but could not let to feel sad for all those deaths. Something has to be done. And even he was afraid to bite someone, and turn them so miserable as he was sometimes, it was something to fight for.

For all his friends, parents, Dumbledore, and for his love, Sirius.

ADDITIONAL INFO:

- Patronus: a wolf, but he hates it. So, he uses a non-corporeal patronun since he discovered how to do it. - Loves to do: Study, be a Prefect, his friends, and sometimes use a good humor about people, he loves tea, the smell of the library and the midnight conversations with the Marauders. - Hates/Fears: he fears a lot the full moon. For him, it is very scary and when a Boggart shows at class, he needs to control himself, because tell people about his secret could put all Dumbledore’s efforts at risk. - Favorite Food: C.H.O.C.O.L.A.T.E. – Let’s say that he shares chocolate with people with a ton of reluctance, just in a eminent death or extreme necessity. Tea is his second favorite drink. - Amortentia: One Shampoo Sirius loves to use, leather, and wet dog. (SERIOUSLY?) - Curiosity: when he gets the best scores in class, he dances in their bedroom, and that’s the only time people will see him dance. - Opinions: He thinks Lilly already likes James, but does not admit that. Peter is very clever and probably while is paying attention to them, he is actually being better than the others. James is starting to be more responsible, but this doesn’t mean that his brilliant mind would not do crazy things. And Sirius… something was weird with him, but the love always is a trap, right?

♔ THANK YOU FOR APPLYING, SUBMIT HERE ♔

[malamai]

An explanation of why I took a small 2 month-ish break from this site

For no other reason than because I didn't feel happy blogging anymore due to my anxiety. I have a problem with ptsd based anxiety and i spend a lot of time fighting this and this site, at the time, wasn't having a positive effect on me as a person due to messages, posts, ect... Long story short I got a new phone and made an active decision to not get the app on my phone or go on my blog on my computer at all because I felt at the time it would be the worst thing I could do. Ive had people do very unfair, nasty and malicious things to me that have had a real everyday effect on me as a person and the people I love can see when I am in a state of complete anxiety and they see me in a complete haze from being So anxious I have mentally exhausted myself. I see nobody and trust nobody but my family and my two best friends, heln and nicha and i'm comfortable with that. I don't go out much because a lot of the times its too much for me and sometimes I can't open mail, answer calls, or face people in uniform and even badges as pathetic as that probably sounds to some of you, sometimes I am fine, sometimes I struggle and struggle and this site began to make me struggle and ive never had any form of website make me feel like that. I know its mental health week and this is probably cliche to a lot of people. But I really don't care anymore I am sick of feeling like a freak, im sick of people making comments like "oh your tired, you're always tired" or "just go to _____ you're being stupid." and I am not going to state what happened to make me like this because unfortunatly people are cruel but I feel like a lot of people need to understand that this is just how I am and due to messages I was getting, despite me doing nothing wrong, I had to put my phone down because It was making my anxiety peek so bad I scared myself because I then started to get worse and felt like I was heading to depression again. But i've come back stronger and less anxiety ridden and I am in control again. Hopefully I stay like this. My kids are my world and they keep my crown on my head feet on the ground, they are the reason I stay sane, literally.

[afearing]

since apparently theres no consequences for delivering unto this website extremely long and good takes i will present to you my hot take on the ace d'escourse, with no sources because I Dont Feel Like It. its more words than is reasonable bc i have been stewing in this for like 4 years and if i dont type it out at some point im going to fucking lose it. no, literally, it’s 3 pages long in word about shit no one cares about anymore. please remember to like and subscribe.

some background on me, i id’d as ace for something like 8 years, from the first time i read the wikipedia page on it back in maybe 2009 or thereabouts. i also id’d as aro for about a year in 2016. that is to say, i have a lot of compassion and understanding for asexual individuals and feel i understand the inclusionist side of the argument pretty well, as i never questioned inclusionism until maybe 2014 or so, when the discourse blew up. i took some time off tumblr because i was so fucking distraught to think that, as i id’d as aroace at the time, that i had to come to terms with not being lgbt. lol i was a little too attached to being ‘gay’ because... fun fact, past dumbass self... you are gay. anyway, i really dont want anyone to feel that i hate them, but after i cooled off a little bit i realized that the exclusionist take on asexuality just makes more sense. hopefully i can explain why clearly enough.

i really believe that what is understood as aphobia is 100% of the time simply a manifestation of our culture’s expectations surrounding sexuality. while “expectations surrounding sexuality” as a very broad topic does indeed cover both the lgbt community and people on the ace spectrum, facing these issues does NOT make a person lgbt. i subscribe to the idea that lgbt is for people targeted directly by homophobia and transphobia. ace issues ARE super important to talk about and the whole inclus/exclus nonsense is entirely because this discourse has been put under the wrong category. im aware that probably most people will not care that much about my opinion on the correct framing of asexual activism as i no longer id as ace but i think this is important for everyone. sexual expectations also weigh on straight individuals, especially women, and i’m going to describe a few examples to try to demonstrate why i believe both that it doesn’t make sense to consider asexuality lgbt as well as why it does make sense to frame it as an issue based mainly in misogyny.

call out post for myself, i use reddit, and i think the r/childfree community is a good example of what i think the framing should be like. although it’s acknowledged that not wanting children has larger social consequences for women, both men and women talk about their issues in the forum, including horrific accounts of reproductive coercion and rape, the intersections with race/being lgbt/ageism (although they could do a LOT better with intersectionality, many posters do touch upon it), profoundly cruel comments made by those who have/want children, difficulty finding an understanding relationship partner, discrimination at work, misunderstandings and even hatred from family and acquaintances, discrimination in healthcare, etc.

i think you can tell where i’m going with this. even though being childfree cuts against the expectations for sexuality in most societies, even though it leads to unfair judgment from others, and even though they face discrimination on the basis of the way they express their sexuality, childfree people do NOT frame parenthood/childfreedom as an axis of oppression, nor do they claim that their lack of desire for children makes them lgbt. it’s not even a question if straight childfree people are straight, because duh? nor if the presence of lgbt childfree people makes the whole community fall under the lgbt umbrella, because it obviously doesn’t.

to drive the point home, the reason why this is NOT an axis of oppression is because parents face a ton of issues as well! they also face reproductive coercion as well as judgment over the number of kids they have, constant scrutiny and moralization over every aspect of their parenthood style, judgment based on parents’ age/wealth/sexuality/marital or dating status/race, housing and employment discrimination, especially for mothers, the government hating poor parents and cutting their benefits, and more i’m sure i’m not thinking of. again, this is due to societal expectations of sexuality. to complete the analogy, people who aren’t ace face their own set of challenges and discrimination. part of homophobia/biphobia is tinged with hatred of our sexual attraction; no one except for straight white men is allowed to really express their sexuality without backlash, and even then there is this shame leading to a lack of proper sex ed and horribly unhealthy understandings of sexual attraction in a large portion of the populace. so calling aphobia an axis of oppression is just not right. and in addition, the large proportion of lgbt aces doesn’t make asexuality lgbt, that’s not how groups work.

some more on what i mean by ‘expectations around sexuality’... in terms of my experience in the US, there is some blueprint in many people’s minds of what a person should be like in terms of sexuality, and that is something like “cishet, abled man, who is neither ace nor aro, who gets laid regularly (but not to excess) starting no later than 18 and ending no later than 28 when he settles down with one cishet abled wife, also neither ace nor aro, who has only had sex with up to three committed boyfriends, and they have precisely two children, approximately two years apart in age, whom the parents can financially and emotionally support to the utmost, because they are also moderately to very well off, and the parents work under traditional gender roles to raise their children as conventionally as possible.” and if you deviate from this script in ANY way that’s viewed with moral panic and scrutiny by someone. and the connection to misogyny is that women are seen as sort of the bastions of sexual morality. we are punished especially harshly for nonconformity.

if you’re poor you’re fucked because either you don’t have kids or you can’t send them off to private schools and feed them fancy organic shit. if you’re lgbt or polyamorous or aro or ace? fucked! if you dare to reproduce as a disabled person, and if your disability impacts your parenthood, especially for women, you’re practically crucified even in liberal circles. if you have too few kids or too many (don’t you know only kids turn out weird? / how can you possibly raise 5 children properly?), if you have too much sex or too little, if you split up the work in your relationship not along gender lines, if you do unconventional things in your parenthood, like accept your trans kids or move a lot or any number of other things, the social judgment rains down like the fires of fucking hell. meaning practically no one can escape it!! huge bonus to the screaming crowd with pitchforks if you’re a person of color or a woman, mega ultra bonus to women of color.

but does that make everyone i just talked about lgbt? no! although every single one of the groups i mentioned is tangentially related through this issue, even though all of them face a lot of horrible problems and discrimination, that does not make those issues inherently lgbt. again, they are tangentially related and i could see a good case for solidarity among many of the groups mentioned; all of them are fighting for greater acceptance of different kinds of relationships, greater acceptance of seeking happiness and being who you are rather than pressuring everyone to conform as much as possible to the LifeScript. but all of those groups are equally related to the lgbt community - that is, tangentially only. just as you can be childfree and straight, a stay-at-home dad and straight, a straight woman of color, so too can you be polyamorous and straight, ace and straight, or aro and straight.

that’s it for my main point. ace and aro people? your lives are hard. i’m not going to downplay it in any way because i know there are a lot of people who actually hate your guts. fuck, i’ve seen people full-on shittalk asexuality, in the internet and real life, in the most blatant of ways, so it’s not just something you can necessarily escape by logging off. not as much so for aro people tbh but i predict as much once the Public gets more wind of your existence. i fully believe that you face a higher risk of sexual assault; discrimination in relationships, housing, and the workplace; horrible comments from everyone who thinks their shitty opinion on your sexuality and love life matters; and I believe you that that hurts and is terrible and that you deserve a place to discuss and provide support.

but. those issues are not exclusive to you. they’re not exclusive to lgbt people, or oppressed people, and so those issues don’t and cannot make you lgbt, nor do they make ace/aro vs. allo an axis of oppression. our communities intersect, yes, considerably, but you are not a subset of lgbt. perhaps our rhetoric can help you, but because straight ace and aro people exist you cannot and should not consider yourselves lgb+. i think you understand that the issues you face are a form of oppression, but they are the result of the toxic and misogynistic sex culture in this society, which, yes, targets lgbt people but also, practically everyone, including groups which are definitively absolutely not inherently lgbt, such as parents, gnc straight people, poc, disabled people, the list goes on.

to conclude, what really converted me to being an ace exclusionist was the example of a straight grey or demi ace. how could you possibly argue that someone who falls in love with the opposite gender only, but with more conditions or less frequently than someone not aspec, is lgb+, can call themselves queer, etc.? exactly what material reality does that person share with a gay or bi person? i think that their issues fall in line with aspec community issues but extremely clearly not at all with lgbt ones. 

the end but post script since i brought up orientation modifiers: perhaps it isn’t my place to say, but i don’t think that microlabels are very healthy and that it would make more sense for the ace community to work on expanding the idea of what sexuality is than to try to create a label to describe every single person’s experience of their sexuality. not that i think you should necessarily kick grey ace people out of the aspec community or that they’re not valid or whatever, but that perhaps it makes more sense to say that some people experience sexual attraction less frequently, and that’s alright. i don’t know.  i spent sophomore year of high school poring over those mogai blogs looking for some new orientation label that would make me go like, oh my god that’s me! and believing that if those labels helped people feel that way they weren’t doing any harm. but what actually finally made me feel like that was expanding my understanding of what attraction is and a better conception of lesbian issues and why i might feel so disconnected from my sexuality and why i might be obsessing over every interaction with a guy looking for signs i was attracted to him but feel super disgusted whenever they exhibited interest in me. i spent so long trying to go like maybe im cupioromantic lithsexual and feeling terrified that that i had such a weird and esoteric sexuality that no one could ever possibly understand enough to be in a relationship with me... like, ok dyke! i know a lot of people have had similar experiences and i don’t think i know a whole ton of people now in college who are still doing that, which makes me think those labels are more harmful than not. 

i guess that’s anecdotal but it’s easier for me to believe that a person could cling to those labels due to internalized homophobia than actually have a new form of sexuality heretofore undiscovered throughout all human history, but that’s just me. and so many of them just sound so unhealthy, like dreadsexual. i really wish people would work on expanding what not being asexual can mean and look like and i dont think there would be this drive to create these labels anymore. even demisexual which i think is probably the most mainstream conditional orientation, i think many people who have never heard of it and are perfectly content not to would describe the way they experience sexuality a similar way and just consider it normal. sexual attraction isn’t necessarily having your nethers set aflame upon first making eye contact with someone, it looks different for every person and it’s alright to just be how you are without making it part of your whole identity.

The End II. this is 2,200 words. if you read this far you’re a fucking mad l- *the academy cuts my mic line while looking directly at the camera like in the office*

[perfectzablog]

What The Screen Time Experts Do With Their Own Kids

Parents today struggle to set screen time guidelines.

One big reason is a lack of role models. Grandma doesn’t have any tried-and-true sayings about iPad time. This stuff is just too new.

But many experts on kids and media are also parents themselves. So when I was interviewing dozens of them for my book The Art of Screen Time, I asked them how they made screen time rules at home.

None of them held themselves up as paragons, but it was interesting to see how the priorities they focused on in their own research corresponded with the priorities they set at home.

House Rules for the research pediatrician:

Dr. Jenny Radesky is the lead author of the most recent revision of the guidelines on media and children from the American Academy of Pediatrics. She is also the mother of two young boys, and as she says, “We’re not a tech-averse household.”

She and her husband both grew up watching “tons of TV” and playing video games. “We have a big flatscreen TV,” Radesky says. “I have a smartphone.”

In fact, she says, as a doctor she may be more prone to distraction than he is: “My husband’s really good. His stuff is always just on the kitchen counter and he hardly checks it unless it rings. But if I’m on call I have my pager on. If something is an emergency that’s how I can be found.”

For the kids, since they started school, the rule is “no media on weekdays.” They unplug at family dinner and before bed. They have a family movie night on Fridays, which is an example of the principle Radesky touts in her research, of “joint media engagement,” or simply sharing screen time.

On weekends, they allow the kids cartoons, apps and games like Minecraft. But more than just limiting time, says Radesky, “I try to help my older son be aware of the way he reacts to video games or how to interpret information we find online.” For example, she tries to explain how he is being manipulated by games that ask him to make purchases while playing.

House Rules for the sleep researcher:

Lauren Hale is a sleep researcher at Stony Brook University in New York. She sums up her findings from over a decade of research: “As kids and adults watch or use screens, with light shining in their eyes and close to their face, bedtime gets delayed. It takes longer to fall asleep, sleep quality is reduced and total sleep time is decreased.”

Hale is also the mother of two young children. She strictly enforces these rules: No screens in the hour before bed, no screens in the bedroom and no screens as part of the bedtime routine. It seems to be sinking in. When he was 4 years old, her son told his grandmother: “You don’t want to look at a screen before bed because it tells your brain to stay awake.”

House Rules for the anti-obesity doctor:

Tom Warshawski, a pediatrician in Canada and founder of the Childhood Obesity Foundation there, has been involved in education efforts to get parents to cut back on media time.

His materials promote the formula 5- 2- 1- 0. That means five servings of fruits and vegetables a day, no more than two hours of screens, one hour of physical activity, and no sugary beverages.

He and his wife, also a doctor, split their pediatrics practice when their son and daughter were young so that one of them could always be home.

“We limited TV to an hour on weekdays after all other homework was done,” he says. “We said categorically no video games — my daughter didn’t care, but my son thought it was extremely oppressive and unfair. Then he resigned himself. Ultimately, both of them have thanked us.”

House Rules for the media and violence researcher:

Douglas Gentile, a professor at Iowa State University, has two nearly grown daughters. He says when they were younger, he “pretty much followed AAP guidelines: one hour a day in elementary school, two hours as they got older. But I’m much more strict on content than I am on time.”

Not surprisingly, he doesn’t rely on ratings. Instead, he would watch something himself before allowing his girls to see it. They were big fans of the Harry Potter books; they would wait for each movie to come out on video and then watch it in short bits, fast-forwarding through the scary parts.

But, he says, being the strict dad did once backfire in a funny way. He’s a huge Star Wars fan. “I was 13 when the original movie came out. I waited 10 years, ever since she was born, to share this pivotal, important movie with my older daughter.”

Based on his description, though, she wasn’t having it.

“She says, ‘No. All they do is fight all the way through it.’

” ‘Oh, please?’

” ‘No, Dad.’ ”

Reluctantly, Gentile saw her point: “She had learned the lesson — if the movie is just about people fighting, it’s not going to make her feel happy. She’s not going to enjoy it.”

Copyright 2018 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

What The Screen Time Experts Do With Their Own Kids published first on https://greatpricecourse.tumblr.com/

[ochollic]

BYSTANDER A bystander is a person who observes an unacceptable behavior that he or she knows is destructive or bad. An active bystander takes steps that can make a difference in making a situation better or less destructive. We are often referring to active bystanders when we use the term bystander. This is sometimes referred to as upstander. Read it or don't read it, your life. Psychological abuse can look like: 1. Humiliating or embarrassing you. 2. Constant put-downs. 3. Hypercriticism. 4. Refusing to communicate. 5. Ignoring or excluding you. 6. Extramarital affairs. 7. Provocative behavior with opposite sex. 8. Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice. 9. ****Unreasonable jealousy.**** 10. Extreme moodiness. 11. Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you. 12. Saying “I love you but…” 13. Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.” 14. *******Domination and control.**** 15. Withdrawal of affection. 16. Guilt trips. 17. Making everything your fault. 18. ************Isolating you from friends and family.*********** 19. Using money to control. 20. *****************Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.*************** 21. Threatening to commit suicide if you leave. It's not just me, it's the literal definition of psychological and emotional abuse. You might be in an emotionally abusive relationship if: 1. Your partner constantly embarrasses you on purpose in front of other people. 2. Your partner criticizes everything that you do, constantly points out your flaws and makes you feel like you can’t do anything right. 3. Your partner tells mean, inappropriate and demeaning jokes, with you as the punch line. 4. Your partner tries to control every move you make and every word you say. 5. Your partner constantly reminds you of your failures and flaws, eager to make sure you know “what’s wrong with you.” 6. Your partner could care less about your feelings, and often tells you that you’re too sensitive or your opinion is just wrong. 7. Your partner dismisses you or gives you disapproving looks that make you afraid or nervous to be alone with him or her. 8. Your partner shows no affection toward you or withholds affection as a form of punishment when you do something he/she doesn’t approve of. 9. Your partner constantly belittles you and tells you that your dreams, goals and accomplishments are stupid or insignificant. 10. Your partner shares your secrets or your private moments openly with others, knowing that’s not what you would want. 11. Your partner thinks you are incapable of most things, and knows what’s best for you. 12. Your partner blames you for his or her problems, bad moods and overall unhappiness. 13. Your partner is incapable of laughing at weaknesses or mistakes, and gets extremely angry if others are laughing at those weaknesses or errors. *****14. Your partner makes you feel guilty about wanting to see your friends and family, or going anywhere on your own.****** 15. Your partner makes you feel like you aren’t good enough for him or her; your partner says he or she could do better, and you should be thankful to be in the relationship. 16. Your partner insists on always being right and doing things his or her way, because you are always wrong. 17. Your partner makes subtle threats that might be disguised as a “suggestion” to help you. 18. Your partner controls the finances in order to control your actions and monitor how much money you spend and what you spend it on. ****19. Your partner constantly calls, texts or even shows up to check up on you to see who you are with and what you’re doing when he or she isn’t around**** 20. Your partner accuses you of things that aren’t true, then forces you to “prove” your love. 21. **He refuses to change or talk about problems.** Is your partner open to being influenced by you? Is he/she self-reflective? When you express how you feel and ask for what you want, does he/she listen and make an effort to meet your needs? If he/she refuses to acknowledge that your feelings and needs are important, and refuses to go to counseling, you may be stuck in a toxic relationship. Then you need to ask yourself, "What do I need to do for myself to be happy and satisfied with my life?" —Dr. Marian Stansbury 22. ******He acts like an over-involved parent. Im not talking about the kind who drives you to your violin recital; I'm talking about the kind who decides your career, what school you go to and who you hang out with.When your guy acts like an over-involved parent, he chooses which friends stay, which ones go and what kind of clothes you should wear. You've learned from past experiences that your thoughts and opinions don't matter to him, and if you express them you will regret it later on. —Mika Maddela***** 23. He's the king of guilt trips. He has a certain knack for making you feel guilty and indebted to him. You feel obligated to give in to whatever he wants, especially when he reminds you of that thoughtful gesture he's done for you lately. When every gesture comes with strings attached, it might be time to cut the cord. —Mika Maddela 24. He's a blamer. A guy may blame someone for cutting him off on the road, or more insidiously, he can blame his ex-girlfriend for making his life tough. Early on, this deplorable blaming trait is hard to detect because it is often couched in a compliment (e.g., "You're nothing like that bitch I used to date"). Says Stosny: "The law of blame is that it goes to the closest person. You'll eventually be the object of it." 25. He's resentful. People like this aren't able to deal with the fact that life can sometimes be tough and unfair. They dwell on the injustice. Their resentment is a self-defense mechanism, masking a fear of inadequacy or failure. 26. He has an entitlement complex. This is sometimes related to resentment: If life is so damn hard for him, then he's entitled to cut in line and break other rules. Let him get close and he'll feel entitled to abuse you if you don't let him have his way. 27. **He has a superiority complex. Emotionally abusive people aren't satisfied by feeling OK about themselves; they have to feel better than other people. This can play out as competitiveness or self-righteousness, and can be alluring at first because he might flatter you with the ways in which you, too, are superior. ** 28. He's petty. If he's the sort of person who makes a mountain out of the proverbial molehill—let's say, when a waitress doesn't put enough ice in his soda—be warned. 29. He's sarcastic. This sort of humor is designed to make someone feel bad. Eventually, you'll be the target. 30. He's deceitful. If he exaggerates or distorts his past, it's a bad sign. It's not unusual to put on a good face when you're trying to impress a potential mate. But lying shows that his self-respect—and his regard for you—is low 31. *********He's jealous. A dab of jealousy is fine, but any more can be toxic. Stosny calls jealousy "the only naturally occurring emotion that can cause psychosis"—the inability to distinguish the real from the imagined. Most severe relationship violence has jealousy at its root.******* 32. He's pushy. While this might be done under the guise of "sweeping you off your feet," guys who push for too much too soon can be trouble. He should care more about your boundaries than his desires. 33. ****************You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.************* 34. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing. 35. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want. 36. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility. 37. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings. 38. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual. 39. They withhold sex as a way to manipulate and control you. *************************************** How to try and make the situation better: * Admit fully to what they have done. * Stop making excuses and blaming. * Make amends. * Accept responsibility and recognize that abuse is a choice. * Identify the patterns of controlling behavior they use. * Identify the attitudes that drive their abuse. * Accept that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring themselves “cured.” * Not demanding credit for improvements they’ve made. * Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so it’s not a big deal). * Develop respectful, kind, supportive behaviors. * Carry their weight and sharing power. * Change how they respond to their partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances. * Change how they act in heated conflicts. * Accept the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences, and not blaming their partner or children for them). *************************************** If the emotional abuser in your relationship isn’t interested in changing, and you aren’t in a position to leave the relationship immediately, here are some strategies for reclaiming your power and self-esteem for the short term: Put your own needs first. Stop worrying about pleasing or protecting the abuser. Take care of yourself and your needs, and let the other person worry about themselves — even when they pout or try to manipulate you and control your behavior. Set some firm boundaries. Tell your abuser he or she may no longer yell at you, call you names, be rude to you, etc. If the bad behavior occurs, let them know you will not tolerate it and leave the room or get in the car and drive to a friend’s house. Don’t engage. If the abuser tries to pick a fight or win an argument, don’t engage with anger, over-explaining yourself, or apologies to try to sooth him/her. Just keep quiet and walk away. Realize you can’t “fix” them. You can’t make this person change or reason your way into their hearts and minds. They must want to change and recognize the destructive quality of their behavior and words. You’ll only feel worse about yourself and the situation by repeated “interventions.” You are not to blame. If you’ve been entrenched in an abusive relationship for a while, it can be crazy-making. You start to feel like something must be wrong with you since this other person treats you so poorly. Begin to acknowledge to yourself that it is NOT you. This is the first step toward rebuilding your self-esteem. Seek support. Talk to trusted friends and family or a counselor about what you are going through. Get away from the abusive person as often as possible, and spend time with those who love and support you. This support system will help you feel less alone and isolated while you still contend with the abuser. Develop an exit plan. You can’t remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever. If finances or children or some other valid reason prevents you from leaving now, develop a plan for leaving as soon as possible. Begin saving money, looking for a place to live, or planning for divorce if necessary so you can feel more in control and empowered. Emotional abuse is a form of brain-washing that slowly erodes the victim’s sense of self-worth, security, and trust in themselves and others. In many ways, it is more detrimental than physical abuse because it slowly disintegrates one’s sense of self and personal value. It cuts to the core of your essential being, which can create lifelong psychological scars and emotional pain. Here are a few links: http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/emotional-abuse https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/10/13/21-warning-signs-of-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship/ https://www.davidwolfe.com/20-signs-relationship-emotionally-abuse/ http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/ http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/educated/what-is-relationship-abuse/ http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse