#It does not thrill me to join the ranks of an internet writer but thankfully I do not

[mearnsblog]

The Disney Quarantine Binge

Hello friends.

What’s baseball? Who knows. I’ve never heard of it. Thanks to the awful COVID-19 pandemic, it’s basically not a thing anymore! The world needs to get a whole lot better before we can even remotely consider the return of any kind of sport, aside from re-broadcasts of “Slippery Stairs: College Tour” on ESPN 8: The Ocho (that really happened, bless it).

In its absence, Ali and I have turned to Disney+ to patch in many hours of the void. We had just watched “Ratatouille,” and I suggested that our next movie could be one of the Disney films I remembered from childhood. We thought about a few different options and ultimately came down on the decision to just watch them all, starting all the way back at the beginning with “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.” We’re going to have a lot of free time and we had just watched the “Imagineering” documentary as well as a slew of other YouTube videos detailing Disney’s wild history, so why not?

It’s hard to write much about baseball right now, so I’m writing about Disney. Specifically, I’m going to use this binge to compile my personal ranking of all 58 films that fall under the category of “Walt Disney Animation Studio films.” Look, the internet clearly needed another idiot throwing some dumb listicle of his own thoughts out there. No need to thank me personally.

I make no promises about how much I’m going to write about each of these movies, mainly because I’m mostly just shooting from the hip and some of these films really don’t require that much thought. Also, I’m just doing this because I want to, and sometimes, it helps to take your mind off serious things. But I will update this post with my rankings as I go, if not only for convenience.

Onward.

1. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” (1937)

The one that started it all. For all of Walt Disney’s personal faults, it’s hard not to admire the personal gumption that it took to pull this movie off. No one thought a full-length animated movie could work, and it went way over budget. Disney had to mortgage his house to pay for it all, but he and his team (including his always-overlooked financial expert of a brother, Roy) did it, and damn it if it wasn’t spectacular.

Is “Snow White” dated? Of course it is, it came out before World War II. (It’s No. 1 as I’m writing this list now and only going through the early Disney flicks, but I can guarantee that it will not be No. 1 for terribly long.) Snow White herself is not very interesting, and the prince is a joke. That’s partially because the early Disney studio found it difficult to animate him much, so some potential storylines for the prince got cut. It is what it is.

The queen, though, is an elite Disney villain, and my grandma still remembers the thrill of being frightened by her when she saw “Snow White” for the first time. The animation is admirable, especially as Snow White scrambles for her life through the forest to whatever kind of safety she can find, and when the dwarfs join with the animals to chase down the witch. Speaking of the dwarfs, they are classic Disney sidekicks for a reason and quickly earn the audience’s love. Grumpy’s evolution in particular from being so misogynist that Disney himself referred to him as “Grumpy the woman hater” to openly weeping at Snow White’s apparent death is lovely.

It had been a long time since I revisited “Snow White,” and I probably won’t again for quite some time. Nonetheless, I’m glad I did.

Best song: “Heigh-Ho”

2. “Fantasia” (1940)

Every music teacher's favorite "concert's over and now we have to kill time until the semester ends" movie, aside from maybe "Mr. Holland's Opus." I was pumped to rewatch "Fantasia," and its peaks did not disappoint.

Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" is always incredible, and I always forget just how many familiar tunes are packed into "The Nutcracker Suite." That was a fun little delight. However, I also forgot just how much "Toccata and Fugue" and especially "Dance of the Hours" can feel like a drag. The visuals helped the former go by; the latter was a slog.

"Sorcerer's Apprentice" is a classic and that sequence is all over Disney lore for a reason. "Pastoral Symphony" almost suffers from the same drag as "Toccata and Fugue," but the Greek mythology nerd in me appreciates the effort of the visuals. (At the same time, centaurettes? Uh, okey dokey.)

Anyway, all these words have just been a preamble to this: I love everything about "Night on Bald Mountain" and "Ave Maria." They could not have picked a better combination to end this feature. Everything about it is perfect, from the creepiness of the demon Chernabog to the monks' glowing lights restoring some calm to the chaos.

Without that one-two punch at the end, "Fantasia" might be forgotten as a feature and really only remembered for "Sorcerer's Apprentice." Thankfully, that's not the case, and the finale will keep bringing me back.

Best song: "Night on Bald Mountain"

3. “Pinocchio” (1940)

So. "Pinocchio." It's an experience.

I almost want to leave it there. It's so weird. I still adore "When You Wish Upon a Star" and just about everything to do with Jiminy Cricket. But it really just hustles through so many bizarre situations in the blink of an eye.

There's everything uncomfortable with Stromboli. There's everything to do with Pleasure Island, not the least of which involves some creepy old man that Honest John just happens to know. Pinocchio manages to escape yet again, only to have the climax of the movie take place inside a whale that ate Geppetto (and his poor cat and fish, who weren't initially involved with Geppetto's search).

Pinocchio's just not that likable. I know he's supposed to be a kid and kids can be annoying, but man. It's rough. Geppetto deserved better.

If this movie was released much later in the Disney pantheon, it would not be nearly as well-remembered. Oh well. Thankfully, the animation is stunningly beautiful for the time and Jiminy still rules. What a gem.

Best song: "When You Wish Upon a Star"

4. “Dumbo” (1941)

"Dumbo” is such a strange movie. It’s not even bad, and it’s over in the blink of an eye. (The run time is barely an hour, which is definitely appreciated.) It does have those same pacing problems as “Pinocchio” and “Bambi,” which also hit many of those early Disney movies. He shows up, he gets bullied, his mom freaks out, he gets bullied again, he gets drunk (!), he chats with the poorly-aged crows, and then he flies at the circus to end the movie. Hooray? There’s moving quickly though scenes, and then there’s slapping them all together with very few transitions. That’s the issue.

I have a love/hate relationship with “Elephants on Parade.” It’s such a crazy tangent for the movie to take in its short run time, but it’s entertaining as it is surreal. We were not a “Dumbo” household growing up, so for the longest time, the only things I knew about the movie were “When I See An Elephant Fly” and this sequence. I’ll probably still be thinking about it when I’m 80.

Timothy Mouse is a very nice not-quite Jiminy guide to the hero. He seems like a fine gent to share in some champagne-infused bucket water. That’s the good stuff. (Unlike the other elephants outside of Mrs. Jumbo. They’re awful and learn basically nothing.)

Anyway, at least it’s not the Tim Burton version. You couldn’t pay me to watch that.* I even forgot it was released last year until it popped up in my Disney+ suggestions.

*A lie. You could. I’m an out-of-work writer. what do you want?

Best song: “Elephants on Parade”