#Isnt that the problem though? Slurs only work when the person who uses it still considers the minority group the Other

[freebooter4ever]

Reading this in a minute of downtime at work and this one bit cracked me up:

Like YES if pretending that you have the same respect for LGBQT people as you do for your grandmothers is what gets people to stop using slurs then pls by all means. Hahahaha.

[forgiveness-in-the-misery]

Nathan's Relationships

Nathan is probably the most stable of the band, but I do find when it comes to romantic relationships there's something there. He's the only member of the band that we really see have romantic relationships, the others seem content to not date or on occasion do date or want to date, but nothing that we actually get to see. Not in the way we do with Nathan through the series.

So this is more so focused on his relationships and the fact he seems to in a more subtle less open way share Toki's obsession with romance and happy endings.

If you take all four seasons, Doomstar Requiem, and bonus videos especially the Shakespeare Reading videos you can get a general idea that Nathan is strangely enough a romantic. Or at least is sort of like a teenage boy whose idea of romance is very simplistic but also rather sweet and naive.

Out of the five he is the one who is close to his parents who as far as we know remain married for most if not all of the series though we never hear for certain about that. We know his parents had a strained marriage when he was born, because they hadn't planned on having a baby anytime soon or possibly not at all. Unlike the rest of the band though it doesn't sound like his parents took this out on him as he grew up and when he talks about his childhood it sounds mostly normal at least where his home life is concerned, nothing super insane like his friends. We know his relationship with his dad was tense until he reached his adult years and they clearly finally sat and sorted through things and created a strong bond with each other by season two of the series.

In the Shakespeare reading videos Nathan talks about a lot of things....almost none of it related to the plays he's supposed to be reciting. He does mention Disney movies and his love of the reality show The Bachelorette. Disney movies are typically filled with fairytale romances that end with a guy on a white horse saving a girl and they get married and live in a castle and have babies, fairytale shit. The Bachelorette is a show where a person is tasked with picking who they are going to marry out of a group of contestants after having said contestants play ridiculous games and humiliate themselves to show they are good enough for them and each episode you can win a date and at the end of each episode somebody is kicked off....It's....gross, but a lot of people love it and see it as fairytale romantic somehow.

Nathan likes both of these things, like a lot and that's interesting to me.

I think because Nathan more or less grew up around with average parents who stayed together and kept fighting in front of him to the minimum and seemed to love each other more or less a part of him even if he isn't super open about it has always planned on getting married, just assumed that it would happen. It happened for his parents so why not him? It's a thing people seem to just end up doing and he seems like he does actually want to do it.

The problem is that....Nathan doesn't get into healthy romantic relationships. We only really see him in two romantic relationships within the show and both of them are dangerously unhealthy for him.

The first is with Rebecca who like Nathan is a celebrity, except Rebecca is a horrible violent spoiled woman from a shitty family. She's verbally abusive towards Nathan, her parents seem to just use him as a mover and don't seem to treat him like a person at all, she treats him like a prop that she screams at and at one point calls him a slur. Nathan even admits to his friends that he hates her, but he can't leave her because it's this messed up intense twisted hate and he would do anything she asked him to, and also he's scared of her. He doesn't even break up with her, she ends up in a coma shortly after calling him said racial slur and he sticks by her side....until a tennis player takes her from him. I'm going to be honest if she had woken from the coma I think she wouldn't have cared Nathan stayed by her side and she would have dumped him or went back to abusing him.

The second romance we see is in season four. He dates a fan named Trindle which is very interesting. He chose a woman who is very intensely obsessed with him which to most people is a red flag and not something you do, and it's explained as an issue of ego. Him loving that this chick worships him, but I think it's more than that.

Trindle loves him....Well technically Trindle is mentally unstable and just loves the idea of him and doesn't actually care at all about him as a person, but Nathan doesn't seem to be capable of grasping that despite his friends realizing that immediately after meeting her. As far as Nathan is concerned with Trindle she loves him, she's obsessed with him, like deeply obsessed with him so she would never insult him or cheat on him as far as he believes, he even goes out of his way to prove to his friends she wouldn't cheat on him despite him clearly knowing deep down that....she would and did.

Nathan wants to be loved, he wants somebody to love him and see him and care about him and just accept him as who he is. Rebecca was a celebrity like himself so he assumed it could work, but she saw herself as superior to him and treated him like hired help. Trindle was an obsessed fan so he assumed she would love and appreciate him no matter what since she revolved her existence around him, but she didn't care about him. At all.

This isn't....Completely coming from a place of shipping saying this, but the only stable long term relationship of any kind we see Nathan in throughout the series is with Pickles. Pickles and Nathan are seen especially by season four as the band parents, it's just a thing. Pickles and Nathan throughout the series especially by season three and four act as if they are a married couple, a couple that have been together for a very long time. Pickles is the only person we see him with through the show who accepts him as much as he can, there's things that annoy him and piss him off, but he still for the most part stands by his side until after the finale of season three when their friendship takes a major hit due to the destruction of their album.

which leads to Abigail.

Abigail like Pickles is the first person we see Nathan interact with that he connects with. She isn't an obsessed fan, she might not even be a fan of them at all. She isn't a celebrity or a socialite so she doesn't see herself above him, she sees him as her equal and a slight pain in the ass. When we see Abigail and Nathan talk it feels like how he is with Pickles when they discuss work or when they're bickering, it feels natural, and like they're a couple. When Nathan does finally get intimate with Abigail he seems to fall immediately into the mindset that they're in love, that she's his girlfriend, and that he's going to marry her and they'll have babies and be together forever.

Which is a lot considering they hooked up one time and she kept dodging his calls and texts for days after that one time, but this is Nathan and Nathan like Toki seems to throw himself hard into this concept of true love and fairytale romance where something happens between you and this other person so now you guys are destined to be together forever.

Is it realistic? God no, but it seems to be the way Nathan views romance. I think if Trindle hadn't been kind of violently unstable Nathan would have still tried to work things out with her, I mean he stayed with a woman in a coma who did nothing but abuse him. He's a very loyal person even when he really shouldn't be.

What is also interesting with all three instances is that Nathan immediately throws his friends to the side in all three cases and we see this wear on them as the series goes on.

With Rebecca while they're all pissed off and uncomfortable with his relationship with her they do end up intervening....AKA they beat the shit out of him and threaten to shoot him in the dick if he doesn't break things off with her. It is the fact they had to resort to torturing him to get him to even listen to them or explain to them why he was with a woman who made him very clearly miserable. Nathan shut himself off from his friends in favor for Rebecca.

He does the same with Trindle. he throws himself into his relationship with her and we see him almost never around his friends, he's almost always with her and when he is with his friends he has Trindle right there with him most of the time. He's clearly not okay when they try and tell him that she's dangerous and that she has a history of dating guys who look even vaguely like him and then most probably killing them. He wants to prove to them that she's innocent and she wouldn't hurt anybody and she definitely would never cheat on him and she does love him, but even when he says it he's clearly not even buying that shit himself. He just....doesn't want to accept he fucked up and that this isnt real or healthy.

With Abigail it reaches a boiling over point. He's for the millionth time destroyed another one of their albums and refused to give them the real reason or any reason at all for it, everybody in their own ways have been falling apart through season four, and then he hooks up with Abigail. Who he is determined is the love of his life and you can see Pickles pissed off about a million different things regarding Nathan and you can see the others have that clear "this is crazy" feeling about Nathan thinking he's involved with a woman who won't return his calls.

What does make Abigail different from the previous women is that she does like Nathan, she is attracted to him, and likes him as a person. The thing is though what turned her off is that he kept putting her before his friends, that he was willing to throw his band and his friends and the music to the side to pursue a fantasy with her that she never agreed to. I think if he'd not done his typical panic and throw himself head first into a full on romance with a woman he barely knows then she would have been more willing to date him. By the funeral episode she seemed interested, because he showed emotion. Because he was willing to stand there in front of a ton of people and apologize to his best friend and admit that he was being a dick and that for once he does value his friends over a girl.

Which is why I do like the concept of Abigail and Nathan as a couple because she didn't just say 'fuck it' and date him. She's into him, but she can't stand the weird celeb douche thing he does where he shuts out the people who he's known for years who do obviously care about him. She's the first woman we've seen him with who actually likes the real him, the version the other two didn't like or just didn't care about at all.

I know it's not much in terms of analysis, but it just is something I kind of noticed with Nathan that he's this awkward large metal dude who is deep down into romance and true love despite acting like he doesn't like that sort of thing. I also like the development of him finally putting his friends first instead of throwing them aside for a girl, I also totally would love Nathan, Pickles, and Abigail to have a poly relationship because y'know....sometimes that's the answer to like a lot of problems and he has great chemistry with them both.

[sapphire-strikes]

How do you think Kamal and Boris would react to fk being scared of the dark?

So sorry again for the late reply and thank you for the request! I had alot of fun with this and may have gotten a bit carried away.

(Also, like I always say; this is meant to be considered platonic/familial)

•Kamal probaby already knew just by watching you. He's a pretty perceptive guy but also isn't the kind of person to care much about the stuff he figures out. Sure it's kind of a silly fear, but hey, he's afraid of stairwells so who's he to judge.

• Boris on the other hand is pretty oblivious and that plays to your detriment at first.

• One day Boris had gotten a new shipment of seeds and had been working non-stop to get them planted. He had a late night but you waited up to walk him home like you usually did, despite the growing unease in your gut as the sky got darker.

• By the time he had finally finished up the moon was out and the street lights were aglow. You had fallen alseep in the back room and were awoken by him gently shaking you, "Wakey wakey, sleepyhead, sorry for the wait. It's time to head home!"

• As soon as the two of you stepped out the door your breath hitched and you backed into him. He quickly raised his hands to catch you, gently holding you by your shoulders and lightly shepherding you onto the street for a couple steps before letting go.

• The only light that was offered came from the street lamps above, creating ominous looking paths down the sidewalks on either side of you. It was almost more unnerving than complete darkness.

• He didn't seem to notice your discomfort at all but did comment on how late it. He even asked if you just wanted to head back to your place instead of staying out any longer and walking him home.

• You're quick to object, almost frantically grabbing his hand when he began to step away. No way were you walking home alone, or at least you'd try to avoid it as long as you could.

• Boris jumps in surprise when you cling to his hand so suddenly and looks down at you with concern. When you realise what you're doing you quickly apologize and attempt to back away only for him to grab your hand in return and begin walking happily. "Okee! Let's get going then, shall we? Kamal's going to be worried if we take to much longer."

• If he had thought anything about your little freak out it seemed to have already left his mind.

• Despite the darkness that surrounded you, you had to admit having Boris there was quite the comfort. You were walking slower than usual as you cautiously took in your surroundings and Boris adjusted his speed accordingly.

• He hadn't let go of your hand since you started walking and he seemed to quite enjoy the activity, even attempting to intertwine your fingers at one point but couldn't do it comfortably with the size difference. He instead just opted to wrapping his thumb around your wrist while his fourfingers easily encompassed the rest of your hand.

• His grip was firm but gentle and during moments of silence he would hum softly. For a little while you completely forgot about your fear and just took in his presence as he walked with a smile.

• You're snapped back into reality when your hand was released so Boris could begin fiddling with his keys. You had finally arrived back at Kamal's place and once it was unlocked, he held the door open for you to step inside.

• The two of you are greeted by a tired looking Kamal as he lethagically mulled over some paperwork.

• After a bit of conversation and Boris explaining why you got back so late, Kamal stands, stretches and turns to you. "It is pretty late ain't it? Maybe it would be best for you to crash here for the night, pal? No point in sending you out by yourself at this hour and I think I'm a little too tired to drive right now."

• Before you can respond Borsi stands up excitedly and clapped his hand together.

"We can have a sleepover!"

"Yeah sure, that." Kamal snickers and looks to you sympathetically, "You up for it, little buddy?"

Thinking it over for a second you nodded happily, "I think I'll take you up on that, thank you, Kamal."

• Boris squeals excitedly and lifts you off the ground for a second before his face flashes with an idea and he quickly puts you down. "I'm gonna go make snacks! Don't go anywhere! Okee?" You can tell he's joking about that last part but he still peeks back around the corner after heading to the kitchen, pretending to make sure you're still there.

• You and Kamal share a look and he wordlessly points down the hall with both hands. You get the message and give him a wave goodnight that he returns before heading to bed.

• If it's really late, Boris won't keep you up for long. Just long enough for the two of you to eat and watch some tv.

• After that, he'll offer to let you stay in his bed while he sleeps on the couch. You firmly deny his offer, insisting that you couldn't do that but you appreciate the thought, he really was a sweetheart. After a small back and forth Boris eventually relents when you insisting you'll be fine.

• Boy were you wrong. It hadn't even occurred to you until now that you didn't have your usual set up. Would it be rude to keep their living room light on all night? It was bright enough to be seen on from both of their rooms, even from under the doors. You eventually settle on leaving the tv running. It's not quite bright enough to comfort you but it's better than nothing.

• You spent the next two hours curled up on the couch, trying to keep your gaze focused on the tv. Normally the sight of Kamal's house brought you comfort, but right now it felt like you were floating in some sort of void with the dim light of the tv that illuminated the couch acting as your lifeboat.

• A few more minutes passed and you were spooked out of you already anxious trance by the sound of footsteps. "Flower, still watching teevee? It's no good for u this late you kno!" When you turned around you saw Boris standing at the end of the hall rubbing sleep from his eyes. He was also slurring his words a bit, something he did when he was angry, upset or tired. He walked up to the couch and leaned over you to grab the remote. "U can watch all u want in the morning I promisee".

• You panicked and grabbed it before he could, holding it tight to you chest, "N-no! I-I mean, just let me finish this episode, it's getting really good--I'll get some sleep right after!" Boris glanced at the tv then back at you with an eyebrow raised. You looked back to the tv and finally remembered what you had been watching for the last hour...the shopping channel. "There's...there's uh...a really good deal for...nonstick skillets coming up.."

• Your strange behavior seems to have woken him up a bit and and he looks down at you sadly, "Is everything okay, y/n? Was...was the sleepover too much?"

• You're quick to sit up and assure him that that isnt the problem, everything would be fine it's just that, well...

• "Oooh, so you do not like the dark?". You nodded, looking down in shame, it was such a stupid fear. "Well that makes sense! I--!" Before he even finishes speaking a look of realization crosses his face and he scrambles over the couch to the other side of the living room to flick the light on. As soon as he does he turns to you with worry, "Is--is that better? I'm sorry for turning it off :-("

• You stand up and assure him that it wasn't his fault There's no way he could have known and even if he did, it'd be silly of you to expect him to keep all his lights on just so you can sleep. You laugh a little bit, "I do miss my night light though."

He tilts his head in confusion, "Night-light?"

"Yeah, you know. Those little lights you plug into a wall socket. Not bright enough to bother you but enough to see in the dark. They're...usually used for little kids". You rub the back of your neck in embarrassment.

Boris's face light up, "Oh, I know what you are talking about! C'mere!" He grabs you by the hand, pulling you up off the couch and leading you down the hall to a door adorned in art of flowers and smiles. You can only assume it's his bedroom.

• He looks at you expectantly, motioning to his door and you take that as your queue to open it. When you do, you're met with what looks a bit like a kids bedroom, in the colorfullnes of it at least. The lights are off but there is a warm glow that leaves everything clearly visible.

• His bed is huuuge, but that's to be expected. To the right of it on the wall he has two night lights, one of a smiling tooth and one of a flower. On the left side of his bed was a night stand with a dimly lit lamp. Not only that, but looking up at the ceiling he had to have at least two-hundred of those glow in the dark stars.

"I do not mind the dark, but I like to read at night." You're once again snapped out of a trance and you look at him a bit baffled but smile anyway.

"Your room's pretty cool, Boris."

He seems pleased by your approval, "Thank you! It can be your room for tonight too!" Before you can protest, he shushes you. "It'll be like a real sleepover this time! I'm gonna pick out a bedtime story to help you fall alseep, go get comfy."

• You don't get another chance to protest since he's already looking through the large bookshelf that's sitting up against the wall to the left. You don't move from your spot near the door but you can make out some of the book titles that rest in it. Dracula, Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and even a few by H.P Lovecraft. He wasn't a fan of horror persay, not horror movies at least, but he enjoyed the older novels. There were also quite a few books on flowers and even some on farming odly enough. It was all very Boris.

• After pulling out what he thought was an acceptable choice, he walked over to his bed and climbed in. His smiles at you expectantly again and patted the spot beside him, signaling you to come sit with him.

• After a moment of hesitation as you process the silliness of this situation, you relent and climb in beside him.

• He pulls the blanket up over the two of you and takes extra care to tuck you both in properly. It really seemed like he knew what he was doing as he went through the motions with a determined look on his face. This earns a laugh from you and a confused look from Boris. After he was satisfied with his work, he setted back down in his spot and began to read out loud.

• You forgot how nice it was to just listen to someone read as you drifted off, or maybe you never new in the first place. Either way, you were out like a light in less than thirty minutes.

[tumblunni]

Oh fuck i cant stand this

Ive already almost used up my damn mobile data again and i only bought it yesterday. Fuck i want to go home. You guys are like the only comfort i have here and i dunno what im gonna do when i cant message you again

Fuckin hell stupid shit day! I was supposed to go to a therapy class thing today but the stupid bus went past where my abusive father lives and i had a MASSIVE FREAKOUT and had to go home and then ofcourse to go home you have to go back on the stupid same bus!! I fuckib failed and wasted the doctor's time and he had to grab me to stop me from running off the bus crying and back to fuckin hell dad's house because im shit and i deserve everything he ever did to me

AND THEN fuckin same doctor continues the relentless constant tide of everyone misgendering me and making crass transphobic jokes

"You see you've gotta understand the other opinion" he says, as if trans people werent fuckin raised SURROUNDED by cis people's predjudiced opinion of us and taught it was fact. As if it didnt take me SO MUCH WORK to even become confident enough to stand up for myself! I've gotta see the 'other opinion' that "yknow well families and children use public bathrooms and theyre scared trans people will molest their children so its understandable they want to kick you out or even act violent to you". Yknow the OTHER OPINION that MY OPINION DOESNT MATTER and also MY ENTIRE EXISTANCE IS A CRIME but i'm the one being predjudiced for not accepting that OPINION, right?! Im here trying to tell him that no that isnt rational because there have been LITERALLY NO RECORDED CASES of trans people molesting children in public bathrooms, or even "evil men faking being trans" to do the same thing. There's been more cases of actual cis men breaking into women's bathrooms to drag women out for merely LOOKING trans. More cis women have been harassed because of anti trans laws than they ever did before! But hey "respect that other opinion", right? And also "at least its not as bad as russia" and "but gay pride is everywhere now, that one footballer had rainbow shoelaces." Hey wow i never noticed that not only was homophobia totally over but also transphobia was remotely related to that! Wow! I seriously had to bring out the fuckin 1600s historical investigation on pre-british olde englishe that showed the existance of a gender neutral pronoun before the word "he" ever existed, and the existance of transgender pride and pronoun discussions in the 1800s before the word transgender was even popularized. I cant believe i fuckin had to do a 'show your sources that queer people existed before the internet' IN REAL LIFE. WITH A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I can point at the damn NHS website but nooooo!

Oh and yknow what got me the most? YKNOW WHAT GOT ME THE MOST?? "We have sick people here, you cant expect them to remember stuff like that. Dont ruin their recovery by bringing up stuff like that." Like..fuckin..IM A FUCKIN PATIENT TOO. I wasnt even asking the other patients to stop hurting me i was asking you the staff to maybe consider it! And seriously you want me to be so super ultra perpetually prepared and perpetually rational and able to keep my existance secret and out of every conversation yet theyre too ill to learn about lgbt people existing? Just a sentence would be too painful? And me living every day being misgendered doesnt impact my ability to recover at all, eh? Fuckin shitting fuck hell.

And i hate it i HATE IT because he's being nice so i'll be the bad guy if i complain. Likehe fuckin..doesnt even know he's being rude and doesnt want to consider the idea. He says 'i dont like your tone' if i suggest the concept and FUCK in that moment i was so fuckin scared he was gonna hit me like my dad did. Or at tge very least kick me out of the hospital if i dont cooperate with him. He just fuckin..thinks he's perfectly unbiased and accepts everyone and "oh but i like to make fun of everyone equally". And i even fuckin raised the subject that people who say that often only make fun of minorities and never themselves, the majority, or major power structures. And he's just like 'yeah yeh i hate people like that'. Whoosh. Rigjt over the head. God i wasnt even TRYING to be passive aggressive i was trying tk outright tell him why what he said was upsetting me but NOPE. Trying to explain how its just so hard and tiring to have to verrrrrry patientlyyyyy explain yourself to EVERYONE EVERY DAY CONSTANTLY while they sling loads of rude words at you and it should be just allowed because they 'dont know better'. Like you ask me to educate you but at the same time im rude if i actually tell you?? And god i also tried to explain how the fuckin bathroom violence thing isnt an example of 'educating another opinion' AGAIN by saying like... If someone just asked me to explain being transgender i would. If someone just said they were uncomfortable i would leave. That's 'another opinion'. Reacting with slurs and violence to a trans person existing and not doing anything to you is not 'another opinion' and its not someone who 'just didnt know'. He was seriously trying to argue that it WASNT BIGOTED it was just someone rationally being afraid for their children because of a danger that doesnt exist, and rationally reacting with extreme violence rather than doing anything else. Rationally. RATIONALLY. oh just MISTAKENLY committing a hate crime! Cos they just didnt know trans people exist! Not cos they hate us! Oh no! Yeah sure we totally have a fucking DUTY to educate these POOR UNKNOWING PEOPLE while theyre attacking us, and its our damn fault if we didnt...

And just fucking FUCK i hate how someone can say all that stuff and still be "nice" and still not hate me personally? Like its so messed up?? He's not anti trans or anything he just has so much more damn sympathy for cis people than trans people, and puts all the onus on us to somehow prevent our own murders. And he thinks that "i dont have a problem with trans people" means doing LITERALLY NOTHING to change your behaviour to make trans people feel accepted. They should just magically know that your jokes are jokes when theyre surrounded by so many people saying it honestly, in CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT EXACT THING LEADING TO VIOLENCE. And like in order to be "a guy who has no problem with trans people" he has to do nothing, while in order for me to be not bigoted against HIM it means i have to never get offended by his jokes and also never talk about myself and also constantly educate him about things because he doesnt want to learn, even though he works in a hospital thats supposed to have an anti discrimination policy. Like fuckin just NOT HURTING LGBT PEOPLE doesnt make you discrimination free, shit like telling me to misgender myself because my pronouns would confuse the other patients is kinda fuckin fucked up. Also "that's a question for later" is all i CONSTANTLY get when it comes to talking about legal name changes or therapy or even just talking to an lgbt support group. I have to wait until i stop being depressed because oh no im talking about too many mental illnesses at once. Its been seven years and i havent fuckin stopped being depressed, bitch! Ever consider a fuckin symptom of gender dysphoria is a big ol fat depression!!! And just gahhhhh he was so fuckin baffled and angry that i would dare to get emotional about the subject?? Like he just saw DEBATING WHETHER TRANS PEOPLE ARE REAL and WHETHER PEOPLE WHO MURDER THEM FOR USING THE BATHROOM ARE JUSTIFIED as a perfectly normal casual discussion that a Non Transphobic Man could have with his transgender friend. Why oh why would i cry about this casual hypothetical discussion? Hey its not like it fuckin affects me directly! "Well its never happened to you right?" A Ha Ha Ha Ha. Also fuckin "so which bathroom do you use?" and "well you're not really transgender if youre not getting the surgery-oh wait you do want the surgery? How does that work then?" I swear i could just see the gears turning in his head and he was about to say "do you want both down there". Gahhhhhh *cringes myself into a tiny tumbleweed and blows away*

Also the entire time he kept calling being trans a sexuality and also asexuality. "No youre not trans youre asexual right?" Yeah sure ive just been saying im trans and saying im not a girl and wearing a chest binder and talking this entire conversation about my experiences as a trans person in public bathrooms just to pull an elaborate prank on you. And like i know what he meant is that he thought the word for nonbinary was asexual (has asexuality REALLY made so little progress towards getting into the sex ed curriculum in the entire 25 years of my life?) But like seriously he was like "youre not really trans if youre nonbinary". And then fuck dude i dont wanna explain how surgery works to you!! And especially not also my entirely unrelated sexuality that has entirely different equally upsetting predjudices!

Ans gahhhh fuck i just got no sympathy for crying and he acted as if it was just some wildly unexpected occurance he never could have predicted. And i hate it cos he's nice to me whenever the subject is about anything else. I cant get any symoathey from ANYONE because he's A NICE GUY and why dont i just understaaaaaand other opinionnnnnns

I wanted to fuckin quit this whole thing on the spot and go home. Only reason i cant is because my support worker is off work until thursday auauauaughhh

Fuck at least one positive i guess is that ive made progress in the social anxiety or at least gotten better at giving the impression im making progress. Cos i want to LEAVE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. And also fuck all my other worries seem less suicide-inducing when im actually getting the closest ive ever been to killing myself on a daily basis because of a stupid other thing that i never could have predicted. Go here for one form of self hate, come home with another! Yayyyyy

And fuck i havent even made a single bit of progress on drawing or writing anything and i cant practise making ganes cos my laptop cant run rpgmaker and i havent even started reading my giant pile of books cos they fuckin LOOK THROUGH THE WINDOW EVERY SINGLE HOUR TO MAKE SURE YOU AINT KILLED YOURSELF. i have no fuckin pribacy and its making me wanna kill myself even more!! I just live constantly on edge looking at the fuckin door window and i cant even do anything to distract myself because im too scared of them looking at me!! Or barging in at no notice to tell me i have to do some big stressful thing RIGHT NOW because i dont even get advance notice of anything aaaa! And fuck i dont have anywhere to go to even calm down from a panic attack cos i have no privacy so at least im getting over being scared of going outside cos outside is the only place i can go to cry. Fuckin strangers in the crowd at least wont cause shit if they see me.

Fuck i want to go home. Fuck i wish i had enough money to keep buying mobile internet. Its like fuckin 750mb a day to run tumblr but its all ive got to talk to any person who doesnt hate me or patronize me or think im faking a bunch of shit or whatever the fuck. And im not even any fun to be around when im like this so im probably just ruining your day too. And im probably gonna vanish again soon and then just go back to crying alone and getting worse and probably never being able to leave

I knew it was gonna be stressdul but i didnt predict any of this.. I just wanna fuckin die. I wanted to jump out the car and go to my old dad's house and have him pull open the door and slap me around a bit. Like call me a fucking dyke, call me a sick retard, be honest about your feelings! I'd fuckin take being abused over this "oh youre the bad one for being mad because i had goooood intentions" reverse psychology bigotry from hell. Either these people are evil geniuses or theyre even more stupid like me. Fuckin shit dad please manifest in my room and slap me, killing me instantly. I feel like being scared of you would at least be a faster emotion than this nebulous sensation of confusing unease and dysphoria 24/7 for 6 fuckin months. One week done, haha! Hahahabahahahahahahahahahahahahshahahahahahshshshahshahahahhahahaaaa

[weeniewrites]

OKAY ONE LAST POST BECAUSE IM ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE AT NOT TALKING

its a more serious one though, so if you dont wanna see me be more personal go ahead and skip i dont mind. im gonna ramble abt the shame i feel with having sadistic thoughts and fears of sexual agency, and kinda, sex in general, maybe some self destructive behaviors? kinda honestly putting my soul out there. its a bit of a vent post. im not having a bad night or anything, just thinking a lot, and want to get those thoughts out of my head

i, really outta do some research on actual sadism or just, see other people who have similar thoughts cause ill admit i feel a lot of guilt about it. like id never, ever, EVER want to hurt another person, and the idea of even spanking someone consensually is very scary to me

but this isnt a new thing for me, some of the first things i found arousing as a kid involved pain. i was fascinated by inuyashas blood covered hands, and rewatched part of a youtube letsplay over and over and over again just to hear the noise link made when he got injured again. same with part of that animated 2ne1 music video where the villain grimaces when his car gets hit. these are really vivid memories for me so like, i know this isnt some suddenly new thing for me. (im also repulsed by gore but can also find it beautiful in art, and writing violent stuff is therapeutic for me but can be REALLY triggering if im reading it)

and i dont know if that sorta, anti kink purity culture thing the internets been moving towards has contributed? to that shame i feel, or if thats just my empathy acting up. because i really do care strongly for people, basically every person i ever meet. and i, sort? of understand the appeal of masochism myself, and i definitely understand the appeal of domming. but i dont understand how to control a scene, how to start up a scene, how to monitor the subs mental state, how to even take that control in the first place because even imagining doing that scares me so, so fucking badly

so i write noncon dom stuff, so i dont have to figure out how to get them there, or how to keep them safe, and i get to satisfy that deep hidden desire to scratch and claw and smile and laugh at someone shaking and crying in fear. or if its soft, just taking care of them and loving them and being loved and needed i can imagine companionship in the only way i understand how, through sex. ive had very few long lasting close friendships, ive never had a crush, and honestly im not, sure? i enjoy sex? like i like being touched but once i have to do it back i get really scared (unless we take things really slow, but im also very inexperienced). i just like being desired, or honestly getting touch of any kind and thats the only way i know how to ask for it

and i kinda, only realized that fear recently. i dont think i had it when i was 18 and I was just starting to interact with people online. but back then i wouldve never dreamed of flirting with anyone either. (had that fuckin trauma BOY HOWDY)

um, to bring this around to what brought these thoughts out, a while ago i was flirting with a friend, we just did that for fun absolutely no sexual or romantic intentions involved. and they told me about how sore they were and i responded back with a grin and giggle and a growl and a laugh and said all the different ways id love to bend and prod them to make it worse because, well, I’m a sadist. and they liked it. i got dizzy with how much i enjoyed that teasing. i literally started slurring my words and had to stop because i couldnt talk anymore, just drool and lay in a warm fuzzy heap of satisfied feelings.

and then afterwards we talked for a bit and as i calmed down and came back to myself i just, i felt like i was going to burst out of my skin, shakey and unsteady, head buzzing, nearly obsessive with the need to tell them i’d never hurt them and make sure i hadnt. so i told them. tried to keep control of myself but i cried. i was near fucking inconsolable. i was terrified i made them uncomfortable, went too far though everything was consensual and it was just flirting, not even explicit! teasing at the maximum! we’d said far spicier things before! they knew i’d never hurt them never want to hurt them never dream of hurting them. and i still cried. i felt wrong. i felt mean i felt horrible, and i’d enjoyed it

and im still a sadist, i find specific kinds of pain arousing, i dont like scarring or blood, preferring discomfort over all, and occasionally i write much much darker content that i dont find sexually appealing, but helps me get out my anger and other emotions i dont know how to process otherwise, and sometimes its just, fun? i know i dont want to hurt people, and i know these things are helpful for me, but i still feel shame

honestly a lot of the kinks or fetishes i used to like, im not sure if i do anymore, either because i just, dont, or ive realized theyre not as acceptable as i once thought, or theyre just not as common online anymore. and i dont feel comfortable sharing them, whether out of fear of rejection, or of making someone else uncomfortable. considering some of the stuff i enjoy imagining or writing i cant read myself. thats, kindof a weird contrast isnt it? (but that might also be because when i was younger, much younger, id read very dark fics, or angst, or look at gore, animal death, death and the nearly dying, as a form of self harm, purposefully seeking out what i knew would trigger me just to keep me dissociating for as long as possible so i wouldnt have to feel, and i’ll admit this is still a mild problem for me, but ive gotten leagues, leagues LEAGUES better. and i try very hard to heed warnings, because i know no one would want me to do that with their works)

cant i just have fun, do i have to have all these shames and memories to go along with this kind of stuff. whyd i find it when i was younger. why do i so closely associate porn and sex with pain when ive never really stopped consuming it. why cant i admit i just want to be held and told im important and enough instead of imagining getting dicked down by men who i both wouldnt be attracted to irl and be scared of

[katalyna-rose]

Another prompt!! Lyna works so hard, she looks like she could fall asleep at any moment! Oh but isnt she cute when she's so tired?

The bells in Skyhold tolled the midnight hour, jolting Solas out of his reverie and the book that he had been pouring over. He looked up from the couch, expecting to be alone, and found that Lyna was still seated at his desk, which he had given up to her in deference to her need to write missives. She had one finger on her place in the book at her elbow and the quill in her hand dripped ink onto the page as he watched and he realized that her eyes were closed.

He sighed as he closed his book and stood. She’d only returned from the Emerald Graves that morning and had been working without a break since then. And she was scheduled to leave again for Crestwood before noon the following day. Yet there she sat, elbow deep in mission reports and missives, maps spread around her and a book of Avvar culture beside her, working harder than anyone save perhaps Cullen. The candles on the desk were burning low, the flames flickering on the wicks, and he allowed them to gutter out with a wave of his hand and a crackle of magic. Lyna sucked in a breath and sat up straight.

“I was using that,” she told him crossly, her words slurring with exhaustion. Solas smiled at her gently and tucked a stray strand of white-blonde hair behind her ear, which twitched at the touch of his finger. She blinked up at him, large violet eyes drooping with weariness. He bent and kissed her nose just to see it wrinkle.

“The midnight bells have rung, vhenan,” he informed her softly. She frowned in confusion and he kissed the puckering of her brow.

“Oh,” she murmured, as thought she had perhaps believed that she dreamed the ringing of the bells. Then she shook her head and cleared her throat as she looked down at her work. She sounded much more awake when she said, “I still need to finish this, so please relight the candles.”

“What is so urgent that you would work so long into the night rather than getting the rest you clearly need?” he asked her gently. “Can it not wait? Or perhaps be completed by one of your advisors?”

Lyna sighed heavily and dipped her quill in the inkwell. “Stonebear Hold is requesting help trading with a nearby settlement,” she told him distractedly, attempting to continue writing despite the candles remaining cold and unlit. “They’re having trouble getting a fair- Hey!” she cried when he snatched her quill out of her hand. “I need that! Give it back!”

“Lyna,” he said sternly, keeping the quill away from her grasping hands. “You are going to make yourself ill if you continue like this,” he told her. She stopped trying to steal back her quill and crossed her arms over her chest, glaring. Unfortunately for her, the effect was somewhat less than she hoped since her hair was mussed by her fingers and her eyes were glimmering with exhaustion and her cheeks were pink. The overall effect of her pouting glare was adorable and he kissed her nose again because it was begging for his touch. She swatted at him and he huffed a laugh. “You need sleep if you are going to leave for Crestwood in the morning as planned. Not every single problem has to be solved by you personally. Stonebear Hold can get its help from Josephine. And the rest will simply have to wait.”

“Solas, there’s so much to do,” she told him, and for a moment she seemed so young and vulnerable and entirely overwhelmed by her burdens. Those violet eyes that he loved so much shimmered with helpless tears and he was shocked into the knowledge, once again, that she was only twenty-six years old and had never before been expected to do anything more than bring in food for her clan and take care of daily chores. Becoming Inquisitor had piled on so much work and responsibility and she was drowning in the weight of it all.

But then she blinked and her gaze turned steely, determination taking the place of helpless despair. And he loved that about her, that she was so undaunted by this challenge that she had spat in the face of her adversary and taunted him with her victories. That she would work through the night to see the people she felt responsible for were safe and cared for. That she would look everyone who spat insults about her ears or her Vallaslin in the eyes with a kind smile and ask them what troubled them just to prove them wrong about her people. She was so strong and compassionate and he loved her so much. Each of her victories, from winning an argument with a visiting dignitary to winning each battle, gave him the most incredible mixture of pride and guilt. This woman, so beautiful and lithe and strong and resilient, had chosen him to be her pillar, her lover, her partner, and his chest swelled every time he thought it. Though her burdens should be his, though her pain was his doing, and guilt pinched him each time she was injured, each time she despaired, each time she shed tears in the night for those she could not save, she was what the world needed most. She was the pillar to hold Thedas up, and he was hers.

“It will keep a while,” he whispered to her, stroking her cheek with a gentle touch. She stared at his face and seemed to read more in his eyes than perhaps he meant her to see because finally she nodded and closed her inkwell with a sigh. When she attempted to stand, however, she hissed in air between her teeth and fell right back into her chair, her face twisting in pain.

Solas smiled at her and, before she could protest, scooped her up into his arms. She cried out briefly in shock then laid her head on his shoulder and allowed herself to be carried, much to his surprise. She sighed and clutched at his chest as he carried her out of the rotunda and up to her room.

Once in her room, he laid her on her bed and took off her shoes for her. She fumbled at her blouse, fingers made clumsy by exhaustion, until she could peel the fabric off. Trying and mostly failing not to eye her breasts, which were now covered only by a thin breast band, he helped to draw the shirt down her arms and off. She rolled over and grunted, her hands reaching behind herself to tug on her breast band until she could throw it across the room. Then she sighed happily and tugged her many pillows closer around herself. Solas chuckled as he drew her blankets up to cover her. He might, perhaps, have allowed his fingers to brush softly across her bare skin to feel the silk of her, but perhaps it was simply the blanket’s touch she felt.

The moment she was settled she startled wriggling again, moaning her dissatisfaction, and he tried to figure out what she needed. He needn’t have bothered, however, because a moment later she tossed her bunched up trousers at his face. He chuckled as he allowed them to fall to the floor and doubted very much that she had actually intended to throw her pants at him.

He leaned over her and smoothed her hair away from her face. She looked peaceful, finally resting as she needed to. Carefully, he touched the dark and puffy circles under her eyes, guilt twinging in his gut. His fingers moved on their own to trace her plump bottom lip and she opened her mouth on a sigh. Her tongue darted out to taste his finger and he withdrew his touch quickly. She was already asleep, her breathing deep and slow, and he should leave her to rest. Still, he couldn’t resist bending to press a kiss to her cheek.

“Sleep well, vhenan,” he breathed into her ear. And then he left.

[dbarber98]

Media Scrapbook Analytic response

Many people mistake feminism to be this horrible thing that only benefits women, but that may be because they don’t fully understand what feminism is. Beginning this class, I was one of those people who thought feminism only benefits women and if you’re a feminist, then you hate men (my previous opinion). There’s many components to understanding feminism which are: language and communication, gender and inequality, embodiment beauty and the viewer, work inequality and neoliberalism, sexual violence, human rights and global activism, and the history of women’s activism. Language and Communication: The first thing we discussed at the start of this class was language and communication, and how the things we say can affect or offend people. We learned about marked and unmarked words and people. Marked words or people would be men, which means men are the dominant or first thought of gender in most situations. This leaves women to be the unmarked or secondary person, meaning just as it sounds, women come second to men. Language and communication could also relate to the sexist things that men say to women and see absolutely no problem with what they said. I feel like, the sexist language doesn’t hit a person confidence until they’re in their teens or older. In this meme I re-blogged below (http://huffingtonpost.tumblr.com/post/91092715387/when-did-doing-something-like-a-girl-become-an ), things were said like “show me what it looks like to run like a girl”, the adults playfully jogged and the younger children ran as fast as they could. The things we say are important, but the way we say things are more important. The phrase “like a girl” was turned into a sexist joke by men, implying that women are ultimately weaker than men in all aspects. Gender and Inequality: This topic also aligns with language and communication. I say this because another thing I re-blogged ( http://br-o-ken-poetry.tumblr.com/post/150239613298/things-boys-have-said-to-me-in-online-games-you ) was a blog post from a “girl gamer”. She said one comment she received online was “you must be ugly to be a girl who games”. This comment is sexist and I feel like it also relates to gender inequality and the idea that women can’t do the things men can. There were also other comments that would be considered harassment. Another comment said, “don’t tell me what I can and can’t say stupid feminist princess don’t come online if you don’t want to be treated this way” I feel like this needs to stop, not only with men because there are also women who speaks like this and feels it nothing wrong with what they’re saying. Embodiment, Beauty, and the viewer: As young ladies and women, we are always told what we can and cannot wear because certain things distract the boys around us. An example of this would be a personal experience I previously had. In elementary, middle and high school I was always told what to wear to school, as if my appearance had anything to do with my education. The schools always gave the students a dress code. Of course, the dress code was supposed to be for both genders, but it was strongly enforced on the female students. The counselors would often say “you can’t wear…. Because it’s a distraction” or “you shoulder can’t be exposed, it might distract the boys”. I feel like things like this shuts down a woman’s confidence later in life and she feels as if she can’t wear certain clothes. For example, in a series of memes I re-blogged (https://dbarber98.tumblr.com/post/159777458070/sister-darkness-carol-rossetti-brazilian-artist ) it shows a cartoon picture of women and it says what she doesn’t like about herself or her clothes. Then, at the bottom of the picture there is an encouraging message telling the woman she can do exactly what she thinks she can’t. I feel like sometimes; all a woman need is a little beauty reassurance. Work, Inequality and Neoliberalism: For many years (and still today) women aren’t seen as equal to men. Women who work the same jobs as men, make about 78% of what a man makes. As seen in a post I re-blogged (https://dbarber98.tumblr.com/post/160066229315/prochoiceamerica-today-is-equal-pay-day-the ), the wage gap seems to get worse for women of color. Not only is it gender inequality, it’s also racial inequality. In an in-class activity, we learned that we must negotiate our salary. I can relate to this in a previous personal experience. In this previous experience, one of my co-workers and I were discussing how much we got paid by the hour, and it turns out I was making more money than he was, even though we were working the same exact position. I suggested he negotiated and got the pay raise he deserved. Sexual Violence: Sexual violence is any type of sexual forced act. Such as, sexual assault, rape and sexual slurs (sexual harassment). If it’s not welcomed, then it’s not ok. In a post below ( https://dbarber98.tumblr.com/post/160066647420/no-means-no-even-if-the-act-isnt-sex ) entitled “no means no, even if it’s not sex”. The quote simply explains that if a woman says no in any type of “sexual environment” then the person should immediately back off. Otherwise, it’s considered rape, molestation, or sexual harassment/violence. Sexual violence isn’t something that should be taken likely but as we learned in class, a lot of women don’t share their stories they’ll either get covered up by someone with higher power, no one will believe them, or the women would be treated like it’s their fault. Human Rights and Global Activism: Everyone has human rights as written in the constitution, but not everyone has the guts to stand up and become an activist. An activist is someone who fights for something they strongly believe in makes a difference. In Chechyna, Russia, 100 gay men were abducted and put into one of the first LGBT concentration camps since the holocaust. ( https://dbarber98.tumblr.com/post/160066774625/wetheurban-how-to-help-tortured-gay-men-in ) These men were beaten, tortured, electrocuted and forced to sit on bottles. There is currently a petition online to help these men gain their human rights back at https://www.change.org/p/russia-prosecutor-general-investigate-mass-murder-and-torture-of-lgbt-people-in-chechnya?platform=hootsuite . History of Women’s Activism in the U.S and Struggling solidarities: Mary Ann Shadd (1823-1893) was the first black female publisher in the United States, and the first female publisher in Canada. She was a devoted abolitionist. She was also a journalist, teacher, and lawyer. From 1853, she ran an anti-slavery newspaper called The Provincial Freeman, which made her the first female African-American newspaper editor in North America. ( https://dbarber98.tumblr.com/post/160068221800/celebratingamazingwomen-mary-ann-shadd ) In conclusion, this class has taught me what it truly means to be a feminist. Beginning this class, I was one of those people who thought feminism only benefits women and if you’re a feminist, then you hate men (my previous opinion). Now, I understand that there’s many components to understanding feminism which are: language and communication, gender and inequality, embodiment beauty and the viewer, work inequality and neoliberalism, sexual violence, human rights and global activism, and the history of women’s activism.

[pearlrebs]

I guess i wasnt very clear. Easy to seem angry over the internet unintentionally. I mean to say; rebs url (a small thing) represented something to us. Xe left and we all really miss xer. Xe mattered to us and was a special part of tjlc. 1/8

In many peoples eyes this is an aggressive act. Im sure that you can see at least a little how we would see it that way. 2/8

I wasnt implying that you are not queer or that i hate queers. i was saying that, this is the internet, im not going to always believe everything everyone tells me. 3/8

Most queers i know, try and stick together despite our differences. And the fact that you seem very angry (could be reading into it) at a group of people who are predominately queer tells me that you COULD be something other than queer. 4/8

As you yourself said this is just a tv show...but its more than that isnt it? Why you spend so much thought throwing shade at rebs or the tjlcers or whoever, tells me that theres something else going on and that it is important. 5/8

banding together with like-minded people is the solution to the political shitfest we are in. I'd like to think that we could work thru our differences to reach our common goals assuming, we have common goals. (if im wrong, please let me know) 6/8

I dont see myself as a victim, im only sad. not in a pitying way. Its hard to describe. You were probably the victim of an angry tjlcer on here or witnessed the chaos and theres really no excuse for hatefullness (im admonishing my own camp here). 7/8

debate, yes, but never being mean just to be mean. That doesnt get anyone anywhere. I hope this makes sense and im not trying to offend you. I just think life is too short to hate. And its sad that there has been much on here. 8/8

I’m actually not angry, I think it’s all kinda funny. Though I do try my best to respond seriously to serious messages. The “go fuck yourself”s will always be met with a “sounds good,” but when someone takes the time to send a message like this, I tend to pay attention. Anyways...

First you say you’re not going to always believe everything everyone tells you, then you turn around and say that the tj//lc group is predominantly queer. Who’s telling you that? Hard evidence? Demographics data? A census taken by a neutral third party to determine age range and sexuality, and what direction they believe the show should go? As I answered someone before: anecdotal evidence is inadmissible in science and court for a reason. Of course since you’re a lesbian (a factoid gleaned from your profile, but if this is inaccurate, please inform me. But I could easily say you’re not, but I don’t, because when someone tells me they’re queer, I believe them, who the hell wants to be in a [most places on the globe] hated minority? [by “hated,” I mean high risk of murder, bullying, and homelessness, and possibly being a criminal act depending on where you live]), your experience is going to be skewed towards finding other queer people. You think the group is predominantly queer people, but from the outside looking in, even as a queer person, I’ve mostly seen a bunch of straight women geeking over two middle aged white dudes possibly touching dicks, and using “representation” as a mask. I haven’t mingled with your community — I’ve got my own, who are and aren’t queer all the same.

And again, I say that with full knowledge that it is anecdotal evidence from my viewpoint and experience. I could be wrong. But that doesn’t mean you’re right either. 

Moving on. Most queer people (I don’t like the term “queers” personally, but as a queer person, you can reclaim that word however you want) you know stick together despite the differences. Okay. But if our difference is that you don’t think I deserve rights, or that my life is somehow worth less than a straight person’s (voting Dump/Pence, specifically Mike Pence, who would rather a gay person go to a conversion camp — where the risk of suicide is nearly 70% — than be gay), then that’s not a “difference.” That’s almost a hate crime (and it actually is in some countries). 

I assume you and I have similar goals — stop the carney-handed mango. I assume all but the 14% of LGBT people who did vote for that cheeto in a wig, do. Hence why I make a point of saying I don’t hate Rebs as a person (although the fact that xer Patreon is still up, and xe’s still collecting money, despite the fact xe’s publicly declared xe has no intention on ever making videos again, and even taking the existing ones down, is a little less than the perfect angel everyone is insisting that xe is). 

Tbh, maybe I tend to befriend more queer people irl, but you know what else is important? Straight allies. To me, being LGBT+ is a description of where I put my genitals/my gender identity, and I don’t exactly bond with people over that. A shared struggle, yes, and if I see a queer person being bullied, I will step in. I can support a gay man’s rights, even if that gay man is going out there campaigning for the orangutan in a suit (and some did). I’ll say he should be allowed to get married to whoever he wants, and when his Nazi buddies turn on his ass, I’ll be helping him find a visa out of here, but dear Ahura Mazda, I wouldn’t be caught dead having a beer with him. In fact, they most criticism I’ve ever gotten for being trans, is from other trans people. Yes, they should have rights, but fuck them as individuals, holy shit, don’t tell me how to transition. You can be trans (or any LGBT+) and still be a shitty person. 

But like... about 10%-15% of people are queer. 10%-15% of people couldn’t have voted for our rights and won. Meaning we have a ton of straight people on our side. And that’s what we are: we’re people. I love Steven Universe and pizza. I’ll find people that love Steven Universe and pizza that didn’t vote for literally satan. 

I’ve personally never been wronged by a hateful tj//lcer. But as you pointed out, there was a lot of hatefulness that was slung around. I watched as people attacked Mark Gatiss for not making their ship canon, or call him straight (they really care about representation, don’t they? /s), attacked other queer ships, tags, bullied some other queer shippers into self-harm, etc. 

No, that wasn’t you doing any of that, and that wasn’t anything you participated in... This blog really isn’t about you, I don’t know why you’re so sad about it. This is about everyone’s actions that I’m starting to suspect we both found deplorable. Though I guess if you were a close follower of Rebs, you hated Mary from second one, which was really uncalled for (hate her for shooting Sherlock — I don’t, but it’s a reason — but that didn’t happen until we knew her for two whole episodes, half of a third, and she was just a lovely person until that exact moment). 

The thing is, it IS just a show to me. I’m just responding to hate until I get bored with it. But tj//lc it became so much more to a bunch of people, and that’s why it got so toxic. 

Again, THE PROBLEM is tj//lcers were demanding representation from a show, and writers, who were always honest that they weren’t going to give it. At least not in the way they wanted (and when it wasn’t in the way they wanted, they had tantrums, which is why I say: it was never about “representation” for some of them.). Rebs, even if it started as just a hobby, quickly became, and fed into this mass conspiracy that ultimately did end up hurting a lot of people. Possibly including xerself. That’s why I don’t feel bad taking your symbol: it is just a show, everyone had prior warning that jxhnlock wouldn’t happen, so the conspiracy was always just going to be fanfiction, and Rebs did some shitty things. 

The way people are freaking out... they need to get over it. Or if not, okay, soak in grief forever over a fictional ship, but there’s probably better ways of dealing with all this besides sending me hate. Because honestly, what does anyone hope to accomplish by sending me hate? Me to delete? Sure, let’s say I did that. Jxhnlock isn’t going to be any more canon, and Rebs isn’t going to be any less wrong, and all of the hate xe encouraged is still going to be out there. Oh, and I’ll keep responding, which really just makes it worse. 

Had people just ignored me — never sent any messages — there would be precisely one post on this blog, which was my original announcement that I had it.

Also — what have I said that’s “hateful?” Yeah, okay, I called rebs a “twat” for being a misogynist, I thought it was delightfully ironic, having a misogynistic slur juxtaposed next to that observation (like saying, “don’t fucking swear”), but no one got the joke, so I took it down. But otherwise? Saying John Watson is Straight is just a fact. Jxhnlock never happened, and since it didn’t, the insistence that he’s bisexual has no standing. He’s always said, “I’m not gay.” I never took that to mean he was saying, “I’m not gay, but I like men, I’m bisexual/pansexual.” Jeez, no, if he was part of the community at all, I imagine he’d let it pass, rather than get angry about the assumption (like Sherlock does, who is, said by the writers, to be neither gay nor straight. In fact, I’ve often heard that if you’re a good straight ally, it means not being upset if people assume you’re gay for standing up with them — so in some interpretation, he’s actually a bit homophobic). I’ve also pointed out that xe was wrong, which xe is. My banner is of Gatiss confirm jxhnlock wasn’t happening again — this is a thing that happened. Are facts “hateful” now? 

Also... “life is too short to hate.” I mean... I think I’ve got enough life left in me to hate the sentient tire fire that uses too much fake tan cream, and the apparent resurgence of Nazis in America. Don’t you? Shouldn’t you? 

tj//cers are definitely not on that level, but I don’t hate them, is the thing. I said this before: I hate no one in particular, just what the legacy produced. 

[robin-hood-for-freedom]

I know this is old, and I actually did it a while back.  But I ran across it on Youtube recently, and I thought it was one of the more interesting/useful tests for privilege since it actually takes into account people’s experiences, rather than just declaring it based on what ‘groups’ they are in.  So I’m going to actually do what I should have done before and actually go through it an explain my answers.  

I am white:

Right off the bat, Yep.  Kind of hard to deny that.  

I have never been discriminated against because of my skin color:

Story time:  I had a job interview at a BBQ joint.  In fact one of the best in town.  The owner was black, as were most of the other employees.  When I met with the owner the first words out of his mouth were ‘So, what does a white boy like you know about bbq?’  I didnt get the job.  

Granted I cant definitively prove that his not hiring me was because i was white.  But lets reverse the roles here.  Suppose that a black man interviewed a white restaurant owner, and the very first words out of the owners mouth were ‘So what does a black guy like you know about italian food?’  I think we can all agree theres a bit of racism at play here.  

All of that is a very long winded way to say yes, I have.  

I have never been the only person of my race in a room

I sure have, multiple times.  

I have never been mocked for my accent:

I sure as fuck have.  When my dad first got out of the army I got mocked for having a ‘military’ accent(no, nobody called it that, but thats why), although I’v mostly lost that, I still get comments every time I talk to someone from outside of the northern Indiana/Michigian/Chicago area.  

It probably doesnt help that I have an absurdly high voice for a man.  

I have been told I’m attractive ‘for my race:’

Cant say I have

I have never been the victim of violence because of my race:

Nope

I have never been called a racial slur:

I have if you count ‘cracker’ and ‘mayo’ which I do.  

I have never been told I ‘sound white’

I have, but does it really count considering I AM white?  

A stranger has never asked to touch my hair, or asked if it was real:

No, thats never happened to me. 

I am heterosexual:

Yea, I guess.  

I have never lied about my sexuality

Cant say I have

I have never had to ‘come out’

No I have not.  

I have never doubted my parents acceptance of my sexuality:

My parents dont give a fuck.  

I have never been called a ‘fag’

I have actually, and in real life, not just by edgy internet trolls.

I have never been called a ‘dyke.’

Nope, never have.  

I have never been called a ‘fairy’ or other derogatory term for homosexuals

I’m assuming we’re not counting ‘fag?’  What about ‘cocksucker?’  I mean it would seem to refer to homosexuals, but its most often used as a general insult.  Does ‘gay’ count if its being used a derogatory manner?  

I’m probably overanalysing this, 

I have never tried to hide my sexuality:

True I havent.  

I am always comfortable with PDA with my partner in public:

Well no, not always.  I guess it also depends on how far we are talking too.  

I have never pretended to be ‘just friends’ with my significant other:

I have actually.  My parents didnt want me dating before I got a car, so when I was 14 I told them I was friends with a girl that I considered my girlfriend.  

I know thats probably not what the quizmakers had in mind, but fuck it, thats their problem, not mine.  

I have never been ostracized by my religion because of my sexuality:

No I have not.  

I have never been told I would ‘burn in hell’ for my sexual orientation

I guess it depends on how you look at it.  I mean I have been told I would burn in hell for having pre-marital sex.  But not simply for being heterosexual.

I’m gonna go ahead and say that doesnt count.  

I have never been told my sexuality is ‘just a phase’

Nope, thats never happened to me.  

I have never been violently threatened because of my sexuality:

I’v been violently threatened because people thought I was gay(even though I wasnt).  I’m gonna count that.  

I am a man:

I guess yea?  I mean I have a penis...

I feel comfortable with the gender I was born as

I mean I’v never felt uncomfortable with having a penis if thats what you are asking.  

I still identify as the gender I was born in:

I guess yea?  I mean I’v never really ‘identified’ as a man in any meaningful sense.  But I’v also never called myself anything else...

I have never tried to change my gender:

Nope.  Cant say I’v ever cared enough to bother.  

I make more money than my professional counterparts of a different gender.

I actually dont know any other female doughnut chefs.  When I worked as a head chef, the women I knew were making comparable pay to myself.  So no.  

I have never been denied an opportunity because of my gender:

Not that I’m aware of.  

I have never been catcalled:

I have actually.  Only once, but still....

I have never been sexually harassed or assaulted:

Sexually harassed, yes.  

I have never been raped

No I have not.  

I work in a salaried job

Not anymore I dont.  

My family and I have never lived below the poverty line

Oh yes we have.  

I dont have any student loans:

I dont.  But I have to question whether this is really a sign of ‘privilege’  Since the reason I dont isnt because mommy and daddy paid for my schooling(nor could they have), but because I didnt go to a full university, opting instead to go to a local community college.  Meaning I took on a lot less student debt.  

By this logic, somebody who never went to any higher education is even more privileged than me, since they’ll never have any student debt.  And I’m not sure thats entirely accurate  

I have never gone to bed hungry

I have, not very often, but yes.  

I have never been homeless

I have not.  

My parents pay some/all of my bills:

my parents dont pay shit for me.  

I dont rely on public transportation:

Yea I have my own car.  

I buy new clothes at least once a month:

No.  I mean, to be fair, its more out of lazyness/cheapness than inability, but still...

I have never done my taxes myself:

I still do my own taxes, what the fuck you talking about?

I have never felt poor:

Fuck yea I have.  

I have never had to worry about making rent:

Sure as hell have, on many, many occasions

I have never worked as a waiter, bartender, barista or salesperson

How the fuck did you miss cashier/customer service in this question?  I’v done that, but not any of those other specific jobs.  

I’v had unpaid internships:

Nope.  Never.  

I went to summer camp:

Once.  

I went to private school:

nope

I graduated high school

Yep.  

I went to an elite college:

Hell no.  See my point about student loans above

I graduated college:

Yep.  

My parents paid(at least some of) my tuition:

Nope.  

I had a car in high school:

For one year, until I wrecked it.  

I’v never had a roommate

Does a wife/girlfriend count?  probably not.  

I’ve always had cable:

I dont have cable now.  

I have traveled internationally:

Does living in Germany as part of a military family count?  Probably not.  

I’v never skipped a meal to save money:

I have.  Not very often, but yes.  

I dont know what ‘Sallie mae’ is

Isnt this just another way of asking about the student loan thing?

I spent spring breaks abroad:

My spring breaks have always consisted of sleeping in and playing way too many video games.  

I have frequent flier miles:

Nope

My parents are heterosexual:

Pretty sure.  I mean its always possible that one(or both) of them have just been REALLY deep in the closet or all these years.  

my parents are both alive:

Yep

My parents are still married:

I’m assuming you mean to each other.  But either way, yes.  

I do not any physical disabilities:

I have a rod in my leg where I broke it a few years back.  Still gives me pain and causes me to limp.  Its not really a big deal, especially compared to say, what my wife has, but I’m gonna count because why hte fuck not?

Also glasses.  I cant see shit without them

I dont have any social disabilities:

I mean, I’m EXTREMELY introverted, which can make social interactions difficult for me.  I dont know if that counts as a ‘disability.’  Eh, since i counted the last one, I’m not gonna count this one.

I do not have any learning disabilities:

I do not.  

I have never had an eating disorder:

I have not.  

I have never been depressed:

I’m assuming you mean clinically.  You’d have to be some sort of psychopath to have never been depressed in the non-clinical sense.  I’v been clinically depressed.  

I have never considered suicide:

I have actually.  I dont know if I was ever really serious about it.  But it has crossed my mind.  

I have never attempted suicide:

Thankfully I Have not.  

I have never taken medication for my mental health:

cant say I have.  

I can afford medication when/if I need it:

I have insurance that helps.  Theres no way in hell I could afford it without insurance.  

I have never been told I’m overweight or ‘too skinny’

Oh I’m overweight all right.  

I have never felt overweight or ‘too skinny’

Oh I know I’m overweight.  

I have never been shamed for my body type:

I sure as hell have.  

I consider myself to be physically attractive.  

I dont really think about it all that much myself.  I mean, my wife thinks I’m attractive and thats whats most important to me.  

I can afford a therapist.

I honestly have no idea, as I’v never had cause to look into it.  I dont think my insurance covers it.  

I’v used prescription drugs recreationaly:

Nope, not my thing.  

I’ve never had an addiction:

Does caffeine count?  I’m gonna say it does.  

I have never been shamed for my religious beliefs:

Oh I have.  You’d be surprised how much the ‘Jesus kids’ get mocked even in so-called flyover states

I’v never been violent threatened for my religious beliefs:

Do online  threats count? who am I kidding of course they do.  

I have been violently attacked for my religious beliefs:

Okay, thats never happened

There is a place of worship for my religion in my town:

I went ahead and said yes.  But if I’m being honest, there arent any churches that teach the type of theology I’v adopted over the years.  

I’v never lied about my ethnicity/religion as self defense:

No, I mean I have lied about them for trolling purposes.  But  thats not really the same thing.  

All my jobs have been accommodating of my religious practices:

Thats one thing that sucks about working resturant business.  I have to work every holiday.  

I am not nervous in airport security lines

I cant say how I feel in airport security lines.  Because I’v never been in one.  I didnt count it because the fact that I havent flown indicates to me a lack of privilege.  

I have never heard this statement: “ you have been randomly selected for secondary passport control”

I havent.  But I’m not really sure thats an indicator of privilege.  See my above answer.  

I have never been called a terrorist:

Well not personally.  But gamers and gamergaters generally have been called terrorists, even worse than Isis.  Its actually kind of surprising that nobody has singled me out to be honest.  

Nobody has ever tried to ‘save’ me because of my religious beliefs:

I actually have had people preach at me because I wasnt the ‘right kind’ of Christian.  

I have never been cyber-bullied for any of my identities:

I have actually

I wasnt bullied as a child for any of my identities:

I was actually

I have never tried to distance myself from any of my identities:

Cant say I’v consciously done so.  

I’v never been self-conscious of any of my identities:

I left this one and the next one off because they are too vague for me to give a concrete answer to.  

I feel privileged because of the identities I was born with

Cant say I do.  

And the final results are:

You live with 46 out of 100 points of privilege.

You’re not privileged at all. You grew up with an intersectional, complicated identity, and life never let you forget it. You’ve had your fair share of struggles, and you’ve worked hard to overcome them. We do not live in an ideal world and you had to learn that the hard way. It is not your responsibility to educate those with more advantages than you, but if you decide you want to, go ahead and send them this quiz. Hopefully it will help.