#Instead I get old guys calling me pet names & others trying to touch my punk collar

[liminalhymnal]

I hate how my younger bro & dad look but whenever I'm wishing that I was born as a dude I find idgaf 'bout that, I just wish not to get treated like...well, like how women normally get treated. I wanna do my shit job without people trying to walk on or abuse my socially expected politeness.

[mutantsrisingrpg]

Congratulations BECKY! You’ve been accepted as VENUS.

Becky’s back, back again. Becky’s back, tell a friend! Now that I got that out of the way, I can make this a serious acceptance note. I can honestly say there was not a moment while reading this app that I didn’t think your Hana was it. Hana is obsessed with power and the way you hit on that through her bio had me on the edge of my seat. You created this storm of a girl that I want to know more about even if I know the danger associated with her. Both of us are beyond excited to see the “human embodiment of pikachu with anger issues” on the dash!

Welcome to Mutants Rising! Please read the checklist and submit your account within 24 hours.

Out of Character Information:

NAME/ALIAS: Becky

PRONOUNS: she / her

AGE: 24

TIMEZONE & ACTIVITY LEVEL: GMT ( but technically GMT +1 currently bc summer! ); online daily, particularly active atm because ya girl is working from home

In Character Information:

DESIRED ROLE: Venus / Hana Mercado

GENDER/PRONOUNS: Female; she/her

DETAILS & ANALYSIS:

Even in a city like Miami, Hana is hard to miss in a crowd. Bubblegum bursts, her lazy chew concealing the switchblade sharp smirk that slides across her mouth a little too late for anyone to be able to avoid the trouble that comes from it. She thinks she’s wired up wrong, like a casino gambling machine full of bullets that just keeps dishing out violence while playing its disjointed electric-warped song of congratulations, bright lights flashing wildly.

To your left, a man walking his pet leopard down the sidewalk; to the right, Hana Mercado paralysing a man with the touch of a fingertip for wolf-whistling her. She fits in well here, Florida born and raised, helping the drug lords keep their territories and the mutants keep their identities and everyone and anyone in between keep what’s left of their slowly unravelling sanity. Despite the bustling sea of tourists that ebbs and flows with the good weather, it’s easy to feel lonely. Hana isn’t great when it comes to other people. Pushing them away is a lot less difficult than making them stay.

Everything is loud. Everything is bright. The electricity is near palpable as she splashes through the remnants of a thunderstorm, rainwater spraying over fresh white sneakers. She’s quiet when the sun sets, bleeding red across the sky, the colour of the popsicles she’d eat for dinner as a kid. It’s hard to fear the consequences of her actions when she’s as close to a young god as anyone’s ever going to get. Mutants? Deities? Same difference if you know how to play to the right narrative.

Fuck you has always been easier to spit than a genuinely spoken I love you and that’s the honest-to-fuck truth.

[ + ] driven / brave / resilient / passionate [ - ] arrogant / reckless / unpredictable / childish

BIO:

Money is power. And power is power. And electricity? The sort that decorates the country like a spiderweb, an interwoven network of wires, all humming, all singing to her, the siren’s call of greatness from above ground and beneath it? Power.

Hana is a vicious formation of blood and desire, with the scent of someone burning from the inside inhaled like a nicotine hit. Interrogation comes naturally to her; smiles that should be sweet on a face like hers turn sharp and deadly. She likes to hear them beg. To watch them shake. People spill their secrets to her whether they like it or not.

It’s been that way since she was nineteen years old, static dancing between her fingertips after getting too riled up in an argument with a neighbour’s son over stealing her family’s gas cylinder. An impromptu lightning strike had left the tarmac lining the trailer park sizzling, black and sticky like summertime ( and don’t worry, the Cheeto-dust-decorated-rude-mouthed-slacker-of-a-punk-ass-brat had survived – getting hit by lightning suddenly made him interesting, too, so if anything she’d been doing him a favour ).

A freak accident, they’d called it. Another one of those unexpected Florida storms. But she knew better than that. As had her mom, smoking a fresh pack of Camel Blues from the other side of the door’s insect screen, fresh foils in her hair, acrylic nails the colour of the algae in the neglected community pool down the street. Thinking back, maybe this all stemmed from swallowing too much of that fucking nuclear-waste-looking water when she’d dared to swim there as a kid, hot and sweaty as a storm breaks on the horizon.

But the point – the point is that, to her mom, having the human embodiment of Pikachu as a daughter was as good as winning a jackpot at one of her weekly bingo sessions. She tries to sell it. Power. The ability to pluck electricity from charged particles in the air makes her daughter useful. A living battery. Studies on mutants at University of Miami dish out hefty paychecks after the right terms and conditions have been signed ( note: if you die, that’s on you, don’t try to sue us ). Hana attempts to protest but even she can’t deny that the allure of getting rich sounds like a dream come true.

So she goes to college. Not in the usual sense, sure, but she gets to live on campus ( in a secure underground testing facility beneath the BioMed building ) and hang out with others ( mostly mutants ) her age. And it’s fine for a while until simple fitness tests and blood sampling turn more extreme. Some days are hazy, pumped full of drugs and hooked up to machines that she doesn’t know the name of, let alone the purpose, beeping their own idle hospital-like symphony. Other days are dark and quiet, plunged into sensory deprivation for the sake of whatever it is the boffins in their lab coats are trying to figure out.

She’ll get rich or die trying and, ironically, neither of those things happens.

When the anti-mutant-testing protestors storm the building, they free Hana from both the confinement and the contract. The money she was supposed to get at the end of all this vanishes, along with the pleased looking humans who pat themselves on the back for doing a good deed and disappear to go and celebrate. None of them ask her if this was what she wanted. None of them stop to think that maybe liberation was never an option for her.

Her mom’s gone too. A new trailer stands where Hana’s home once had. The monthly paychecks from the university never reached her bank account, instead wired directly to Mrs Mercado. She laughs until she cries, the air crackling overhead.

After all that, turning to a life of crime is far easier than it has any right to be. Angry and alone, she fucks a guy in a gang in the back of his drop-top and makes herself useful when it comes to getting money out of those who owe it. She runs from the cops. Has a gun pressed to her temple. Watches an illegal weed farm burn at the flick of a lighter. Nothing phases her because she doesn’t let it. Rules stop meaning anything when you realise just what having powers can get you. Making a living from getting spineless people to open up their mouths and offer the gold that is information makes her feel a little less like a failure. Interrogation has a nice ring to it, after all. And once she makes a name for herself, sought after by those who know that secrets are worth a decent stack of bills – well – who is she to turn a job down?

EXPANDED CONNECTIONS:

YVETTE. It’s more than just the sticky sweet sugar of sisterhood. Hana would fight tooth and nail for Yvette should she say the word; would go to war for her if needed. There are very few people in the world that she cares about more than herself, but her partner ( in crime, in the sport of bringing their enemies down, in a vodka-tasting kiss that she’s managed to take a little too far ) holds the throne to Hana’s adoration. If only Yvette would take another step further into chaos and embrace becoming the seductive sort of danger that people run from.

ANDREAS. He knows how to say the right things, she’ll give him that. Hana wants what is hers. And sure, she may not know what that is exactly but the whispers of power he offers are captivating. After so long of operating alone for anyone with enough money to afford her services, the concept of joining strengths is a tricky one to navigate. She keeps him waiting, keeps him on his toes, avoiding a crystal clear answer for the sake of keeping her cards close to her chest. Better to have multiple options on the table than settling for the first one that comes along.

DEREK. Oh, the joy of knowing she’s the shiny new model; a glossy picture-perfect upgrade; a brand new battery to keep Damien and his clowns energised. The temptation of coaxing out Derek’s anger to watch him slip up and fall further from grace is all too great. She’ll press a cherry red lipstick kiss to the dark shades of the sunglasses he will no doubt need down here in paradise. Her future is bright, can he say the same about his own?

DAMIEN ft. JACKSON. He sends his loyal hound. She can only assume that Jackson is missing a collar because he doesn’t like wearing it in public; his Tiffany heart-shaped dog tag would probably get too warm glinting in the Miami sunshine. Hana knows a mob boss pet when she sees one, sniffing her out amongst the cheap cocktails and plastic palms of a Tiki Bar on Ocean Drive. Who’s a good boy? It’s appealing, the carefully constructed dream Damien offers. Almost a little too good to be true given the circumstances. She knows his gang has chased others out, a fine show of strength and organisation, but how long will it last when he doesn’t even know this city?

EXTRA:

Inspo [ x ]   Pinterest board [ x ]

ANYTHING ELSE: ily both

[theawkwardterrier]

things left behind and the things that are ahead, ch. 18

AO3 link here

“The party’s downstairs, you know.”

“Well, I’m up here, so—” Tony sips audibly from his champagne glass, spreads his arms wide. “I think the party’s actually up here now.”

He watches as his godfather walks across the gallery toward him. Uncle Steve wears a tux pretty well for an older guy, especially one who’s always preferred the comforts of home to a night out. Probably all those years of being Aunt Peg’s plus one. There’s still something strong about his carriage, a reassuring lack of hesitancy to his step, even though he has quite a few more wrinkles than he did during Tony’s childhood.

Steve stops beside him and looks up at the piece too. “See how the waves look like fingers?” He traces his own through the air to draw attention to them, as if Tony hadn’t noticed their ever-reaching grasp. He takes down the last of the champagne.

“They’re going to bring out the cake soon,” Uncle Steve finally continues when they’ve been standing in silent artistic contemplation for a while. “Your mom is going to notice that you’re gone when you’re not there to sing Happy Birthday to her. Robin might have noticed already.”

“Yeah,” says Tony absently. He almost wants to touch the painted screen in front of them, although even he, who had ducked unconcernedly past the ropes blocking off the stairs to the Met’s upper floors, holds himself firm against giving in to the instinct. His mind finds its way back to itself after a minute and he asks, “How did you know I was here?”

“You didn’t really seem in an Arms and Armor mood earlier.”

Tony’s face twitches as if it can’t decide whether to smile. “You like Robin, don’t you?” he asks instead.

“I always have,” says Steve in that easy, honest way of his. “Everyone’s glad to see her. She managed all of Rose’s questions without running, and I think Layla still wants to adopt her.” He takes in the details of the waves once more before he turns to look precisely at Tony. “But the real question is, do you like Robin? Because if you want to go through with giving her that ring you have in your pocket, you should probably be sure.”

The box, when he automatically pats at his pants, is just where it’s been each time he’s checked it tonight.

“Guess one of the grandkids found you a Super Detective magnifying glass in a cereal box,” he says to cover up the way he’s been caught off guard.

“No,” says Steve. “I know it’s been a few decades, but I once carried around a box just like that, waiting for the right moment.”

“Aunt Peggy says that she was the one who popped the question,” Tony points out.

“Well, there’s a reason we don’t listen to everything she says.” The smile gives just that little extra crinkle to his eyes. “Only most things.”

Tony lets out a little sound that doesn’t quite make it beyond the beginnings of a laugh. “You know that my—” He clears his throat, looks over toward the display without paying attention to it. “My first date with Robin was maybe three weeks after Dad died? We’d known each other a little at school and I’d seen her when I was in Boston a couple months before, so when I heard she was in town, I set it up…And I wasn’t—I wasn’t ready for any of it. I’d just been handed my father’s life’s work, I was trying to make sure Mom was managing, everything was starting with Jarvis. I was sure it was going to be a disaster. But that night at dinner, I had fun. She was fun. We could just talk - about her latest coding project or the Three Laws of Robotics, whatever.”

“And has it stopped being fun?” Steve’s head is tilted just a little, casual, patient, as if he already knows what Tony is going to say. Tony swallows and says it anyway.

“I don’t know if it ever really got past fun.” He thinks of the two of them yesterday evening. Robin had been fizzy after the train trip down from Boston, the way she always was. She’s the only person Tony knows over the age of five who regards trains as anything more exciting than a convenient way to get from here to there. They’d gone to a little burger place they liked (made the world’s most perfect steak fries and served them up in overflowing baskets), got into another good-natured debate over the implications of human cloning, stopped by to see if his mother needed any more help before the party, and went back to his place. It had been fun. It had been a good time.

“She’s sharp as hell, and that punk rock thing definitely does it for me." He risks a glance over, waiting for his godfather to clear his throat awkwardly the way he does when Tony brings up anything sex adjacent, but Uncle Steve is still watching him with that quiet, patient look. Tony finds that as he continues, he cannot look back. "Things are great when she’s here. But I don't think she knows what it would be like to be a Stark all the time, what it would be like to be married to someone who’s a part of that. Would she change for it? Would I like her the way I do if she did?” Tony wants to put his hands in his pockets despite the box taking up real estate in there, but he is still holding the champagne flute and the darkened gallery is not exactly bustling with passing waiters balancing conveniently extended trays.

“People change all the time,” Steve points out, and instead of a rising fury at the triteness of the statement, the calm around the man, Tony finds his tension beginning to unravel in response. There’s something soothing about the lack of surprise, a peaceful cushioning inside of him. It’s as if they are discussing theory, like they are back on the floor of his childhood bedroom, Steve sitting through another of Tony’s exhaustive explanations of his latest Rube Goldberg machine.

In that sort of space, even though his voice creaks as he speaks, he says, “I don’t know if I’d want her to change for me. But I don't think I'd change for her either."

“Then why are you trying to propose?”

"Gotta try to find your person, you know?" He runs a finger around the edge of his glass, looks back over. "Dad always said he regretted not finding Mom sooner. I'm trying my best here. "

"But if he had met her sooner," Steve reminds him, "I don't know that he would have been the right person for her." He shifts, and Tony remembers that however straight-postured the man stands, he's also a million years old and been on his feet all night. He's about to suggest that they go take a seat, but Steve pins him with a stare. "I've been luckier in this area than I can believe, luckier than you can understand, but I'll tell you that I knew when I had found my person. And all of these doubts you have, Tony, it sounds as if you haven't yet."

In some ways it is a relief to hear it outside of the suppressed corner of his own mind, to have the words brought into the open air with no condemnation in the tone. In others, it is as if Steve has swung the door wide and invited in all of Tony’s fears.

He can’t speak for a minute. When he does, his words are slow.

"I have this memory," he says. "I must have been really young - I don't even know if it's actually real or something my brain just pieced together. You'd brought the whole gang up to the Maine place for Christmas - no idea why, we could have all been snowed in and died - but that's where we were. And then Dad and Aunt Peggy got called somewhere and disappeared for a few days, made it back just in time for Christmas Day. I was under the kitchen table and you were cooking when they got back, and she came in to say hi to you. She just—She gave you a kiss and you whispered something to her, and she touched your cheek. Didn't really do anything, just put a hand there and looked at you. And you know, I was probably too young to know anything, but I knew that you loved each other."

Steve is quiet. "It was real. You remembered it right," he says finally, a little huskiness to his words, as if this decades-old memory is still entirely fresh for him

"No way you could have been like that in the beginning," Tony says, abrupt bravado covering the vulnerability. "I've heard all those old war stories. But you had something and you grew into it together. So why can't I—Why can’t we try to grow together like that?"

"You can, Tony.” Steve turns to him fully, resting a hand on his shoulder. “You can. But you have to want it.” In the dim light of the spot aimed at the artwork in front of them, he can read his godfather’s eyes: not solemnity or reproach, but hope for him, whatever he chooses.

He clears his throat, clears it again. “Might be that I want to want it more than I actually do.”

He thinks of Ana calling Jarvis pet names, fluttering her lashes at him as they passed in the hallway so that he stuttered and blushed. He thinks of his parents coming home from some event or another, his father’s suit coat around his mother’s shoulders. He thinks of the people who have been raised beside him as family: the Barnes’s, a carefully expanding unit, the Carters with their spouses and children and deeply committed friends.

He thinks of Aunt Peggy’s hand on Steve’s cheek all those years ago.

“Someday,” he says, a promise in a way he doesn’t entirely understand. “Someday I’ll really want it.”

“You will,” Steve says back with such certainty that Tony lets out a breath. “But for now, we should go back downstairs. We’ve been gone for a while.”

Tony waits until Steve turns, then follows him toward the doorway. “Aunt Peg will have definitely noticed we disappeared by now.”

“Who do you think told me that I should come look for you?” Uncle Steve smiles over his shoulder, hands in his pockets.

“Only right most of the time, huh?”

“Don’t tell her.”

And Tony smiles too, and shakes his head, and walks down to stand with his family and eat cake.

More chapters here

[daggerzine]

Outrun the Sun……Kelly Haigh talks about how it all started and where it’s going.

It was random really….I had posted some cd covers of a 90’s/00’s Canadian indie rock/pop band Ashley Park and tagged author/musician Michael White who played drums on one of the records. From there a few comments came from a Kelly Haigh, a name I remembered as being in the band and she appeared on a few of the bands record covers, too. I then friended her on Facebook and asked if she had any records out under her own name, which she did. One cd (Country Western Star featuring Kelly and Frances the singing dog!) and a book filled with Kelly’s amazing, expressive art that includes a cd (Post Apocalyptic Valentines) both of which I quickly ordered.  The music leans heavily toward the country genre, which after hearing some Uncle Tupelo and Gram Parsons records in the early 90’s was a genre I dove into as well. Not having ever met Kelly in person she definitely seems like someone who dances to the beat of her own drum, a unique talent for sure. I then thought she’d be a person to find out more about as being part of Ashley Park and her own solo records that she’d have an interesting story, which she does so I sent her some questions that she graciously answered.  Read on dear readers and discover the magic that is Kelly Haigh!

  Where were did you grow up? Tell us a little about your childhood.

I grew up with my mom and two little brothers in Winnipeg, Manitoba. We spent summers on my Grandma's farm in Ontario, and so much of my inspiration and love of outdoors has come from those times. My dad was also a truck driver, so sometimes I got to ride with him in his big rig truck where we'd listen to all kinds of great old country music. When I was quite young, he once told me about one of his truck trips where he came upon quite a bad accident. He and his driving partner had gotten out of their truck to set up flares in the dark of night, and he tripped over a man's body. When there was enough light, he went back to check on that man's body, and he saw the man's head had been taken clean off! I asked if he also found the man's head, and my dad said no. On subsequent family road trips, I'd hound my dad to tell me where that accident had been, because I thought if I watched closely enough, I might find that man's head! I recently asked my dad if he thought that man's head had ever been found. He said, 'Don't be ridiculous, it probably smashed to pieces like a pumpkin.' I asked why he let me think I might find it by watching out the car window. He said because it kept me quiet for long enough he could have some peace and quiet. ha! But that was the start of my fascination with death and taxidermy. I couldn't bear to part with my first pet hamster when I was 11. The cold wintery ground prevented me from digging him a grave, so I skinned him. I still have his fuzzy little hide. I nearly became a taxidermist, my dad had an apprenticeship set up for me when I turned 19, but I decided instead to become a hairdresser. 

 Was your childhood musical? Did you parents/siblings/relatives play any instruments or were they big music fans?

Nobody I knew played any instruments, but we always had alot of records around. My parents were both big music fans. My mom loved Rolling Stones and Diana Ross and the Supremes, and my dad favoured classic country like George Jones, and Dolly Parton. I used to put a yellow tea towel over my head to pretend I had blonde hair, and I'd sing all Dolly's songs, hoping one day I could be a singer, only I was painfully shy. Whenever we were in the car with my mom, we'd all sing along to whatever music was on her car stereo!

 Do you remember the first record you bought with your own money?

If memory serves, the first record I bought with my own money was the soundtrack to Grease. I had been given a record player for Christmas, and it was SO exciting to have a turntable of my own! 

 At certain point did you ever get into the punk and/or  new wave scene?

No. That just wasn't for me!

 Prior to Ashley Park had you been in any bands?

No. I taught myself how to play guitar when I was a teenager. I'd sit in my bedroom with my dog and practice playing and singing for hours and hours. But I just never could bring myself to sing or play in front of anyone. I was just too shy. 

  Please tell us about how you met Terry Miles and became part of Ashley Park?

Terry was my significant other for nearly 15 years. When we first moved in together, he put that band together. I asked if I could be part of his band, and he said no. Then his keyboard player quit the band right before a trip to Austin Texas to play South by Southwest. He said if I could learn to play keyboards, I could be in the band. I had two weeks. He showed me what chords looked like on the keyboard, and told me what chords were in each song. I worked my butt off, and that was the start of my music career! We recorded at home, and I got to sing on some of the songs, and play some keyboards on a few tracks as well.    

        What was the best part about being in Ashley Park? Did you guys play out often?

The best part of being in Ashley Park was just getting to be part of something musical. I learned so much about recording and writing songs from Terry! Our drummer was Gregory. He's in a band called Sloan now. He was always very encouraging and supportive as well. We didn't play often, but we did get to play a few shows in our hometown of Vancouver, (including opening for the Soft Boys), and as well, we got to tour England! That was challenging, but exciting. We were also on a UK record label called Loose Records, and they sent us some music from some of their other artists including Neko Case. Of course I loved her, and her music led me to discovering and meeting her friend Carolyn Mark, who has become a dear friend of mine, and a huge inspiration to me. And that has led to a whole other life of music now, so many years later... 

  How did Ashley Park end?

Terry became disenchanted with music. He wanted to make movies, and direct films, which he has, with some good success. He also went on to make podcasts, which are very successful, (including Tanis, Rabbits, and the Black Tapes). He always said we'd record another record, but I knew it was something he likely wouldn't make time for. Ashley Park didn't so much end as just fade away... Though, Terry has the music available online, and he's started to record a bit of music on his own for his podcasts. 

  Tell us about your solo career. Was Country Western Star your first solo record? How did it come about?

Country Western Star was my first attempt at writing songs and recording. I got to put into action all that I learned from watching Ashley Park songs come into being! I had a rough patch in life, evolution can be painful! So I took my heartbreak and turned it into art! Little songs would come to me each night as I slept, I'd wake up and write them down and record them. I played every instrument on the album. It was huge challenge, but seeing Terry do it, I thought that was just how you created songs! The record was kind of meant to be like a play, little snippets of scenes that hopefully come together to tell a story. Also, it was a bit of a love letter to my dog Frances. My most loyal and loving companion of the past 13 years. 

 Who is the person(s) behind Darling Music? I’ve got some other fine records on that label.

Terry created and ran Darling Music... He did put out some fine records, including the Solarists, (songs by our friend Cam McLellan, who is SO talented, and a visual artist as well)!

 Please tell us about your book that came out a few years ago Post Apocalyptic Valentines (this also included a cd of more of Kelly’s music). How long have you been painting? Who/what are some of your biggest inspirations?

After recording my Country Western Star album, I wanted to record another album. This time, though, I wanted to have some friends who are FAR more talented, play some instruments, and sing with me. It was a really fun thing, and I had a ball making this book and album. I initially wanted to record a set amount of songs, and have a painting and short story to go with each. That was too ambitious, as it turned out, and the project evolved into just including many of my works, and some short stories I did write for this book, which connect to some of the songs. I knew I would have to make something that would stand out, in order to sell some copies. It was becoming clear fewer and fewer people wanted to buy another jewel case copy of a cd. 

I've been painting and drawing for pretty much my whole life. I have a pair of paintings I got back after my grandparents passed away. My grandmother had kept these little paintings, darkened skies, owls sitting waiting while their prey, dear little mice, sit unaware of their impending doom. Life is my inspiration. There is so much beauty around us, which sometimes comes packaged with the biggest heartbreaks and ugliness. I always try to paint lovely things with a touch of ugly, and ugly things with a hint of beauty. There is one artist in particular, Ray Caesar, who inspires me the most. His works are beyond incredible, but as a human, he is a kind, and generous man. Generosity of spirit and encouragement. He found me on MySpace (remember that?) hee hee, and sent me the nicest note that made me want to keep painting. 

Just one of Kelly’s fabulous pieces of art. 

 Name some bands/musicians from your neck of the woods who we need to hear?

My bestest pal, an incredible steel guitar/guitar player (and singer) Jimmy Roy, who plays music with me every Sunday night at a local music and dinner club called the Revel Room, also plays with a band called Petunia and the Vipers. Another band, Viper Central, every musician in those bands are so talented. Carolyn Mark is also one you must hear! My own sweetheart, Don Clark has a record up on Bandcamp that is pretty great! Two of most incredible guitar player friends, Paul Rigby and Paul Pigat have recorded together, Pigby... Kitty and the Rooster are pretty fantastic! As well as the Modelos! Also Geoff Berner I got to paint a couple of his album covers (A couple of Carolyn Mark’s as well, so I’m partial to their music as I listened to it so much as I worked on creating the album art) These are some I can think of off the top of my head. I'm sure I'll think of more later, and feel badly for forgetting... 

 How about a few of your current favorite bands/records (from anywhere)?

I have to be honest, I mostly listen to old time country music, and Elvis Presley. Stuff like that. I don't hear much current music, aside from friends who play locally! I do like to hear a little Camera Obscura sometimes! 

 What are your top 10 desert island discs?

Here's the funny thing about how music has changed... No longer going to buy copies of albums, but searching out music by artist, I don't know album titles really, for the music I listen to! I mean, a few I do, but the 10 artists' recordings I'd need to have would be as follows, 

1 Elvis Presley

2 Buck Owens and the Buckaroos

3 Melvin Endsley

4 Wynn Stewart

5 Dolly Parton with Porter Wagoner

6 Loretta Lynn and Conway Twitty

7 Anita Carter

8 Patsy Cline

9 Marvin Rainwater

10 George Jones and Tammy Wynette 

 What’s next? Will there be another record soon? Another book, perhaps?

For sure I'd LOVE to get into a studio with Jimmy Roy, and our band, the Murderbirds! We have SO many amazing friends who could play on it with us! We have a lot of songs written, so hopefully soon we can get this going! I think it would have to come in another book for sure! I'm not sure yet what that might look like!

 Any closing comments? Final thoughts? Anything you wanted to mention that I forgot to ask?

Final thought... I think people should sing every day, even if it's just in the shower! Nothing brings as much joy, in my opinion, as music. It can bring people together in so many ways. It can build memories, help us feel connected to others, to ideas, to feelings, and to ourselves. <3 

 www.kellyhaigh.com

www.northern-electric.ca 

[edourado]

Good boy

This is because Kasttle keeps making itself present. It’s the trailer’s fault, of course it is. 

It’s nothing like canon. I wrote it in a non-Punisher universe, but it can be read both ways. Reader’s choice, really. 

Hope you like it. I dropped a Karedevil piece for this, because everything is pretty shitty right now, and Kastle makes everything better. Hopefully it will make someone smile. 

Much love. 

She couldn’t even ask him about it.

It was there. Clear as day. She knew it, knew it like she knew her own name, but she couldn't ask Frank about it. The one time she tried, he looked at her with such a condescending look in his face, as if she was telling him a joke he didn’t find funny, but smiled anyway to humour her.

But she knew.

Every single time she was out with Max, it was like it wasn’t even Max anymore. When they were inside, he was this big puppy, rolling on his back asking for belly rubs, resting his head on her lap, whining up at her, asking for a treat. Even as she got his leash, attached it to his harness - since Frank hated collars - and climbed down the steps of the building, he was sweet, such a sweet dog, looking back at her all excited, waiting as she opened the door.

The second he put his paws on the sidewalk, it changed.

It was not as if he became aggressive, started pulling on the leash, nothing like that. He didn’t even misbehave with other people, only pulled a little bit to sniff and play with other dogs, but stopped as she called him.

Now. If there is a man nearby, Max will stare him down until they walk past him. If, by any chance, a man looks at Karen, he will throw a little of his weight against her legs, making her step over a little, away from the guy. The times someone tried a catcall, Max growled, stood his ground and barked until he shooed off the “perp”.

Once, Max was distracted letting an old lady pet him on the sidewalk, while they waited for the light to turn, and this guy stopped by Karen’s side and asked if she wanted company. When ignored, he reached out to touch her hair, the beginning of a sentence starting to come out of his mouth, when, suddenly, Frank’s cuddly, loving, sweetheart of a pitbull turned back from the old lady, and just went off at the guy. Barking, growling, moving to jump on him, teeth out, a whole mess.

“Hey, hey, boy! Hey! Ok, ok, calm down, down, boy, down!” Karen tried, pulling on the leash, trying to pet him, soothe him back into calm, watching as the guy stumbled on his own feet and power walked away, the color scared off his face.

“Hey, what was that, calm down!” she insisted, but Max was standing his ground, still growling, watching the guy leave, not moving, no matter how hard Karen pulled on his leash or tried to pull him away.

When the man turned the corner, tough, he was back, the sweet boy she learned to love, looking up at her, tongue hanging out, face as if he was smiling up at her.

“That is so sweet”, said the old lady and Karen turned to her. “He protected you! That’s a very good idea. You’re a nice boy! Very nice boy!” This last part, of course, was to Max, who went back to his normal self, leaving the canine thug behind.

Now, Karen watches him as they go on their walks. Outbursts of attack are not usual, he mainly just pushes her out of the way and growls at men. Other than that, he is his usual self.

The first time she asked Frank about it, though, he looked at her as if she was not making any sense.

“Did you train Max to… I don’t know, be weary of men in the street?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… I don’t know, lately he has been… Strange, he-”

“Did he attack someone?”

“No, nothing like that. I mean, not really. He jumped at a guy.”

“What guy?”

“I don’t know, Frank, this guy, he was trying to hit on me or something, tried to touch my hair, or maybe grab my arm. You should have seen it, Max just flipped out, went ballistic on him, I had to pull him back.”

He raised his brows.

“Way I see it, he was protecting you. You rather some punk touched you out of nowhere?”

“No, but… I don’t know, it’s not like him. Did you tell him to do that?”

He sat there and looked at her, and she could see the beginning of a thought inside his head.

“You think I… What, trained him, to do shit like that?”

“You didn’t?”

A beat. Another. A teeny tiny maybe not even there smirk. Mocking, almost.

“Karen.”

“Ok”, she said, already embarrassed, why would he do that, of course. That’s crazy. It’s his dog, she just looks after it sometimes. “Forget I said anything.”

“Maybe he’s just jealous. He spends a lot of time with you, dogs have that, they grow protective of people.”

“But it’s… See, it’s just with men.”

He shrugged.

“Maybe he doesn’t like men.”

“He likes you.”

“Yeah, but he’s mine. He knows me.”

She looked at the dog, munching on a chew toy, looking like the most innocent of creatures, in spite of his size.

“Yeah. Maybe it’s nothing.”

“Ok”, he said, closing the subject. “So. You have that file for me or what?”

.:.

He did it three more times. Once by jumping against a fence while she walked him past a group of men playing basketball. It was even kind of funny, the six or seven men who whistled and called at her cowering when Max jumped, making a scene, at the fence separating them.

The other time was at another man that thought he could walk close to her and chat her up. This one walked away while saying her dog ought to be on a shorter leash.

The third one was a fellow journalist. Karen did not like him at all, he was all jokes and funny things, all of them with a hint of disrespect, just shy enough to prevent her from saying anything.

She was out with Max on a drugstore run. She just needed some pills for her throat, it had been sore all day, and she left him by the door while she ran to get it. On her way out, while she reached for the leash, there he was, Jason, out of nowhere, picking her up off the ground, hugging her by her waist.

Max jumped before Karen could even let out a startled scream, throwing his weight on Jason, making him drop Karen. She landed on her feet, but Jason was tackled, and Max barked and growled, front paws on the man’s chest, teeth bared, inches away from his face.

“Max, Max, hey”, she said, still shaken, a little bit afraid to touch the dog in his angry state, but then touching his back, petting him. “Come on, boy, get off him. Come on.”

The dog still growled and pulled when Jason got up, threatening to jump him again if he moved near her.

“Christ, Jason, are you insane?” she asked, calming down herself, picking up her bag from the ground.

“I’m insane?! Me?! Your dog nearly bit my face off!”

“You jumped me, what the hell did you expect him to do?!”

“It was a joke, I’m your friend!”

“I did not see it was you! And he doesn’t know you, he thinks you’re just a creep picking me up from the fucking floor!”

“Karen, it was a hug!” argued the man, his face white, shaking, looking like a lightning had struck him. Good.

They went their separate ways, and Karen was actually feeling good. Max did not bite the idiot, only got him off her. Jason was pissed, but there was really nothing he could do, so he went about his day, leaving Karen to go back home with Max. They walked side by side, instead of Max leading the way like usual, her hand always brushing against one of his ears.

Protecting her, she realized.

When they got home, she sat on the floor let him sit on her legs, scratching his belly when he requested, even letting him lick her face when he tried.

“Thank you, boy”, she whispered.

“For what?” said Frank behind her, walking in right then.

She thought about telling him, but, knowing Frank, it was not a far fetched idea to think that he might go after Jason to “teach him a lesson” or something like that.

So, best if she keeps this between herself and Max.

“For keeping me company”, she said, turning to him. “He goes everywhere with me when he’s here. I’m never alone.”

She did not complain to Frank anymore, when Max antagonized men on the street. Partly because, now, she saw how nice it was to have someone to have her back if she needs it, and partly because she still thinks Frank is the one training him to do it, but he won’t admit it, and she doesn’t want him to think she’s assuming anything, or that she thinks he’s… That he… Well. Something.

Frank is actually with her one day, lying on the ground under her car while she is sitting on the stoop of her building, Max lying on the sidewalk, watching as people walked on, both enjoying a little bit of the morning sun.

“Ma’am”, Frank called. “Can you get me that rag over there?”

Dropping the magazine she was reading, Karen got up, just in time to see a guy walking by. He looked at her, not trying to hide his gaze on her chest.

“Morning”, he greeted as she walked to the other side of the sidewalk, towards Frank’s legs, and Max remained where he was, but stared at the guy and started growling loudly.

“Good morning”, she said back, at the same time Frank rolled from under the car, that wheeled board he was on making noise on the pavement.

With a look towards the dog, the man nodded at her and went on his way.

“Here”, she said to Frank, who took the rag and craned his head to look at the guy walking away, and then back at her. “You want anything? Water?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Karen was walking back towards the building, Max walking to settle closer to Frank, by the car. She was still close enough to hear when Frank said to his pet, in a hushed voice:

“Good boy.”

With a smile she tried to contain and a feeling of confirmation inside her, Karen climbed the stoop and opened the door, to go and get Frank’s water.

[littledonkeyburrito]

Who do I like?

Written while getting progressively drunk with @intimidatethevoid 

1. How many bank accounts do you have? 3, two in australia, one in spain

2. Have you ever been in an ambulance? Yes, I got super drunk one time and got picked up from the valley (clubbing section of brisbane) by an ambulance. I do not plan on doing that again.

3. How old were you when you lost your first tooth? I was 6. My brother and I were sitting on a wall in the harbour of our hometown while waiting for our fish and chips number to be called. He pushed me off the wall and I landed on the boardwalk mouth first. One of my front teeth became loose and I got it pulled out at the dentist the next day.

4. Have you ever had the flu? I got the flu back in 2013 and it was pretty bad. I did not own a thermometer at home but I was too unwell to go out. Once I was feeling a little better I went out and bought one and then my temperature was like 39.8 or something. Like, I probably should’ve gone to hospital but whatever. I only took two days off work. Then a few days later my coughing fits were so bad that I would almost pass out every few minutes, sometimes while driving...

5. Would you ever consider going on a cruise? Having done wharf security for many cruise ships, I know how often they have food poisoning and gastro outbreaks, so no. Almost every single cruise ship has an ambulance or two meet them at the dock. To be fair, it’s usually old people, but not always.

6. Do you ever drink alcohol? Well there was this one time that was now

7. Have you ever had a terrible hangover? A few. One time I was hungover in Japan while skiing and I couldn’t turn left. But every time I fell over in the cold snow was fucking paradise.

8. How old were your parents when they had you? 27 and 42. There’s a big age gap between my parents...

9. Is there a big age difference between you and the person you like? Who do I like?

10. Do you try to spend a lot of time with family? Not since I’ve been in Spain but will definitely have to catch up with the family once I’m back in Australia. A couple of people did visit me since I’ve been here but I haven’t seen any family since May.

11. What would you say is your favorite genre of music? Pop rock/pop punk/catchy stuff in spanish

12. Are you good at giving advice to people? Probs not, ay

13. What is your goal for the next few months? Pay back my debt to my parents and then start saving again.

14. Do you think you have a good sense of style? Probs not, ay

15. What is your star sign/zodiac sign/whatever? Gemini 16. Does your personality match the characteristics of your sign? I don’t know, or give a flying fuck.

17. Would you rather be on a nude beach or at a concert? At a concert. 18. Have you ever been caught passing notes in class? I don’t think so, but @aturinfortheworse​ and I learned the russian alphabet in grade 12 and would pass notes in that so that even if a teacher did catch us they still wouldn’t know what the fuck it said. 19. What is your New Year’s resolution? I don’t make new years resolutions. If I’m going to do something, I’ll do it. I don’t need a new year to make it happen. 20. Do you know anyone who suffers from depression? Do I know anyone that doesn’t? 21. Would you rather be 13 years old or 30 years old? 30. It’s closer to death so that’s an obvious benefit. 22. Here’s a personal one. How many times do you pee a day? I don’t keep track, you perv. 23. Have you ever had your significant other fall asleep on you? Not a significant other, but this one time I was making out with a guy at a party and he fell asleep/passed out on top of me but he weighed too much for me to move him myself. Thankfully there were two more people right next to us also making out so they helped me roll him off me. Then I made out with the other two instead...

24. Name me a random word that starts with ‘O’. Omnivore

25. Which berry is your favorite? Blueberries are so good but raspberries are great too.

26. Have you ever tried to learn a foreign language? Yes, I learned spanish. Maybe I’ll learn other languages in the future but not until I’m better at spanish. 27. Which baby animal is your favorite? All of them..? 28. What was the scent of the last candle you burned? I do not burn candles. When I was a kid we used to get powercuts quite often where I lived and my parents would light candles instead. I would always get super paranoid that the house was going to burn down, so I’m not a fan of candles. 29. Are there any plants in your home? Nope. I would definitely forget about them and kill them.

30. If you could have a small garden in your backyard, what would you plant? Nothing. I had a garden at my last place in australia and we almost never went outside. It was such a pain in the ass to go out to mow the lawn. Me and the other girl would make the boys do it because we were both quite arachnophobic and it’s australia. 31. What pets have you had while growing up? Dogs at my dad’s place and rats at mum’s. 32. What type of museum would you like to go to? I like natural history museums because dinosaurs. 33. Have you ever been to the circus? Yes, I’ve seen cirque du soleil a couple of times in a few cities and I saw Circus Oz in Sydney when I was a kid.  34. What are some of your favorite scents? Laundry powder. 35. What branch of science interests you the most? In theory, I like biology the most, but when I’m actually studying I have a big interest in chemistry. 36. Are you one of those lucky people to own a walk-in closet? You can walk into any closet if you’re dedicated and small enough 37. Can you play electric guitar? Yes, I can play any guitar.

38. When was the last time you drank something through a straw? About 6 minutes ago. 39. Are you a fan of industrial metal? What, like corregated iron roofing? 40. Can you handle the cold? I thought I could, until winter came around this year. Now I am permanently cold and it makes my feet hurt and my brain feel anxious. I’m not as much of a fan as I used to be. I wish my heater worked better. BUT if it snows, it’s worth it. But it doesn’t snow here. 41. Have you ever been to Canada? Not yet. 42. How old is the person you last kissed? 35 43. Have you ever tried to balance the light switch between off and on? Everybody has been 10 years old, so yes. 44. Are your feet touching the floor? No, one foot is on the bar of the chair I’m sitting on and the other is on the bar of the chair opposite. 45. Are you one of those people who keep their feelings bottled up? Bottle, preserve and store in a cellar for 600 years. 46. Is one of your friends extremely odd but you love them regardless? I love all of them because of it. Non-weirdos not accepted.

47. Do you have any piercings besides your earlobes? No, just one in each ear. 48. How many push-ups can you do? I used to be able to do plenty when I did karate because they were used for warmups, strength training, and punishments. I probably can’t do many anymore but I definitely don’t have the energy to try.

49. When was the last time you wore a button up shirt? Right now. 50. Do you own any striped sweaters? I have one and I love it.

51. Write the first person you think of whose name begins with T? Travis, my best friend from primary school. 52. When was the last time you got a haircut? About a month ago.

53. How old were you when you had your first crush? I was 10 and my crush was Daniel Radcliffe.

[biggy-habes]

Jonny Haber’s Day Off (Part II)

I woke up the next day feeling refreshed. At peace. The exact opposite of the previous morning. I had the entire day ahead of me. In the back of my mind the dread of returning to work the next day lingered. I felt like I had to make the most of today. So I grabbed some hiking gear and loaded Fennie up in the backseat. We were heading to Letchworth Park. For those not familiar with this area, Letchworth is a state park about an hour away. It is respectfully known as the Grand Canyon of the East. The Genesee River cuts through it, creating beautiful cascading waterfalls. The weather was sunny and mild and perfect for a long hike. Still lethargic from yesterday's walk through the trails, Fennie slept practically the entire drive. But once we arrived at the entrance to the park, he perked up. As we drove through the winding turns, he kept his nose out the window. He could not wait to explore these new smells! I decided to start at the Lower Falls and work our way up. The trail leading to the river was a decent 3/4 mile hike. When we got to the water, Fennie started to pull hard. Now he has never been much of a fan of water. You would think that taking a bath was worse than when his nuts got snipped. He created a scene at the pet store that I take him for his baths. It was like he wanted the store employees to think that I waterboard him. For the record, I DO NOT WATERBOARD FENNIE! He just hates water! He makes the most pathetic look when he has to go as far as to go pee in the rain. But for some reason he REALLY wanted to check out this friggin water! The flowing river created waves on the shore that he felt were a threat and he needed to bite the SHIT out of them! He would never get in above his knees. Dogs DO have knees, don't they? Well, anyways, that is where the water was. But he would dip his face in the water in order to bite the crest of the waves. And I sat there watching him, and thought to myself "You malingering ASSHOLE!"

As we started venturing back, I started to remember how a group of us rugby players would head to an area like this in Stony Brook for the day to cook some meat and drink cheap beers. And it dawned on me that I was not too far from where I went to college. I haven't stepped foot in that area since I was still in the service. Fennie was starting to slow down and was panting pretty hard, so I felt that perhaps we could save the rest of the trails for another time. Instead, let's take a trip down memory lane. I always remember the drive to Alfred being peaceful and serene. College was a very confusing time for me and I would use the drive to contemplate my wants out of life. Driving through the farmland brought back the familiar country smell. Soon I could see the white steeple signifying that I was entering Alfred Station. I passed the banquet hall where the rugby team had their social. Past the packie that would sell me gallons of Skol vodka despite my shitty fake ID. Past the hill that I had to climb to get to my dorm at Alfred U. I came up to the old Delta Sig house,  which has since been taken over and painted pink. I banged a right and entered the campus that contained 2 of the greatest years of my life. Alfred State. Home of the muthafuckin PIONEERS! 

As I drove around the loop of the campus, the memories came in waves. The 77 steps leading to Peet Hall...a treacherous hike for any drunken resident. The gymnasium where I had decided to "toss the gloves" during an intramural hockey game and, not aware at the time that my target was on the wrestling team, I proceeded to get suplexed onto the floor. At the top of the hill stood the Mackenzie dorms. This is was my turf from 1997-1999. This is where I went through 4 roommates. This is where I met my good friend Ed (oh there will be more on Eddie in later stories. He is a character!) And this was where my friendship with Johnny ("Tits") and Matt ("Squirrel") began. After reminiscing for a bit I walked over to the track, location of the annual Naked Mile. I ran this twice. First time was as a rookie on the rugby team. All rookies were expected to run it. The 2nd time…well, that was just for shits and giggles. Young Haber LOVED to get drunk and run around naked! After walking around for a little bit I left Alfred State and decided that it was time to pay a visit to the old rugby field. Now you will notice that I mention rugby a lot in this story. Well, this is because rugby played a significant role in my college life. I have never been known for my athleticism. My grandfather was a 3 sport athlete at Boston College and went on to play a year as a center in the NFL. I inherited his size and his passion, but the athletic gene unfortunately did not get passed down to me. In High School I played football, taking the position that brought my grandfather fame. Although I was a Varsity starter both my Junior and Senior years, I will never be known as a stand-out player and the name "Haber" will never be uttered in the halls of Greece Arcadia. When I went to college, I had tossed around the idea of trying to make a spot on the football practice squad. But it never blossomed into more than that. One night, while waiting in line for a beer at the TG house, a large group of loud, brash guys in purple jackets walked straight in and went up the stairs to the 2nd floor with arms filled with beer. I did not know who they were, but they seemed like the kind of guys that I wanted to be part of. As they walked past me, I read the back of their bright purple jackets and in bold white lettering it read "ALFRED RUGBY". I followed them upstairs, where they gathered around a keg and proceeded to drink like there was no tomorrow. One of them, just a bit larger than myself and wearing a backwards purple hat, had been challenged to a chugging contest. When he heard the word "Go", he pinched his cup and in one complete gulp he finished his beer. I had never seen anything like that! So after he collected his High 5s from the other ruggers I went up to talk to him. I cannot tell you exactly what was said, but I remember telling him that I wanted to see what this whole "rugby" thing was all about. He told me to show up to practice on Monday. On the front of his beer-covered jacket in white stitching was the name "BooBoo". I give this guy credit for introducing me to one of the greatest experiences of my life. Now, just like with football, I was not a GREAT rugby player. I was big enough to play on the front row, but again, I would never describe myself as "athletic". Despite the fact that my conditioning was shit and my balance was on the same level as a 4 year old, my heart and my grit got me a position as a starter as a rookie. Now, let me tell you, being a rookie on the rugby team was tough! You come to rely on the bonds that you create with your fellow rookies. This is where I really became close friends with Tits and Squirrel.

 I started driving towards the outskirts of Alfred towards Jericho Hill, where the rugby field was. I drove past the practice field, where I was able to imagine all of us scrimmaging. Punk would be running into a crowd of bodies, turning to scream "GET THE FUCK UP HERE AND RUCK IT OVER, YOU FUCKERS!!!". Mild-mannered BooBoo would become possessed and would run through anyone brave enough to stand in his way. And Squirrel would be way out at the opposite end of the field, dropping any kick that would come his way. Jesus CHRIST he had some hands of stone! I turned down the gravel road leading up to the game field, and eventually I was able to see the purple covering of the goal posts. I let Fennie out of the car and as we started to walk around the field, I recalled me getting my ears taped on the sidelines. Me stepping foot on the pitch for my first rugby game. All of the hits. All of the scrums. All of the sweat and blood that soaked into the soil. The sound that is made when large bodies violently collide. The smell of mud, body odor, and processed alcohol seeping from pores filling the air. And then, a feeling of sadness and grief overcame me as I started to think about my friend Squirrel. It was time to pay him a visit. I have gone to see him since the funeral. I wiped the tears from my eyes and headed back to the car. It was coming up on 4:30. Plenty of time to go see my old friend.

 Mattie lived his entire life in the small town of Owego, NY. All his life he had wanted to follow in the footsteps of his father and be a firefighter. I cannot tell you the number of times he would turn down an all-night binger because he was on call for the Volunteer Campus EMS. However, when he was not required to stay sober, he seldom was. Squirrel was loud and obnoxious, but he could easily become the life of the party. I never really saw him get angry. He was cool and easy going. Together, him and I wreaked havoc on Tits, never missing an opportunity to cut him down or pull a prank on him. One day we trapped him in a broom closet and proceeded to blow baby powder under the door until he agreed to go to the Rugby House (aka "The Alamo") for a party. He LOVED finding ways to get in trouble. He was not a very big guy, but that never stopped him from constantly talking shit. After leaving a party at TG (we spent A LOT of time there!!) he passed someone passing by with his girlfriend wearing a baggy white dress shirt. Squirrel turned and shouted "Hey, Jerry Seinfeld! Nice puffy shirt, ASSHOLE!" 

Squirrel's weakness was women. After hooking up with a girl at St. Bonaventure, her and her friend decided to make an impromptu visit. Later that night they took turns writing some of the funniest, most hateful shit in Sharpie on his door he had ditched her at a party. We spent the rest of the night scrubbing his door clean. After graduation we had all gone our separate ways, but we still managed to keep in touch. A couple of years later we met back up to play in the Alfred Rugby alumni game. As the years passed, the conversations became sparser. Squirrel went on to become a firefighter like he had always dreamed about. He became a husband and a father. When The Facebook became big we were able to reconnect and would share stories of our lives or talk about old memories. When Amanda and I were planning our wedding, Mattie was talking about flying to the Keys to attend the ceremony. And when all of that came crashing down, he would call me to make sure that I was hanging in there. I took one last look at the field that contained so many terrific memories. There will always be places where you just feel a sense of peace and reflection. It is a bit ironic that the pitch that hosted such ferocity on Saturdays would become such a place of contentment. As it turns out, another place of mine is the Arcadia football field house. When I would have my crackups in my 20s, my friend Schworm would always know that if I went missing, that is where he could find me. Anyways, I had to go. It was time to go pay my old friend a visit.

After Amanda and I split up I had taken a job in North Carolina. Still reeling from the difficult breakup, I had walked into the basement of the Research Department on a chilly, dreary day and sat down to take a few minutes to catch up on Facebook when I heard about Squirrel. There was a post regarding a fire in Owego during the night. There was a casualty. But no. It couldn't have been him. But I am sure that he must be pretty shaken up. I should probably try and reach out to him. Before I got the chance to, I was interrupted by a message from an old mutual friend, Wendy. Matt and Wendy grew up together. She let me know that the casualty was Squirrel. It did not process at first. That couldn't be right! He was a good firefighter! He was had a family! But then the reality started to set in. I went in to the office of the head of my department and explained what had happened and that I needed a couple of days off. That night I packed a suitcase, asked my father to let me borrow $200, and I drove through the night to New York. I shared a room at a run down Red Roof Inn with my friend Ed (my suite mate from college. Man, I cannot WAIT to get more into him some other time! He is a goddamn character!) So anyways, the next day me and Ed, who had become a volunteer firefighter and was decked out in his uniform, met up for breakfast with Tits and shared old stories over some eggs and bacon. I have not seen Ed in a few years, and Johnny for at least 20. We carried on like nothing had changed. We were missing the loud voice and dramatic flair of Squirrel. 

Now when I tell you that Mattie had died a hero, I am not sure if you quite understand. He was a loved and cherished member of his community. He had a tight group of friends. He did all that Dad shit. But he NEVER let that part of him that made HIM get away. He was still known for drinking a bit too much shitty beer and run his mouth any chance that he got. Owego is a very small town, and I think that everyone in that town was present to say their "Goodbyes" to Matt. There were Police, EMS, and Firefighters from Syracuse all the way to Pennsylvania there to pay their respects to their fallen brother. There were so many people there for his Last Call that they filled the auditorium and streamed it in the Gymnasium so that everyone was able to be present. The occasion was somber but the ceremonial pageantry was breathtaking. Squirrel had the tendency to be a bit of an asshole. But this was the ceremony that Mattie deserved. My old friend is my fucking hero. I love and I miss the fuck out of that guy!

I pulled into St. Patrick's Cemetery, and the part of me that grew up Catholic turned off the radio out of respect for the souls. It was not hard for me to find Matt's gravestone. Fennie was wiped out from all of the walking the past 2 days and he was perfectly content with sleeping in the backseat. I sat down in front of the gravestone marked Matthew Porcari. I talked to him like 19 year old Whimpy would talk to his fucking homey Squirrel. I caught him up on my life. I told him funny stories. About the death of my dad. And how I was struggling trying to cope with my grandmother's passing. And how much I fucking missed him. How I wanted to be sitting at a bar sharing these stories. I will never find a friend like him. He had the ability to be a complete jackass. But he was the guy that made you laugh and knew just what to say when life took a shit on you. He was the guy that would make sure that all of his buddies had a great time. He will always be my brother. I shed a few tears, and saw that the sun was starting to go down. I had a good 2 hour drive back to Rochester, so it was time to say "Goodbye" and that I would see him soon. 

By the time we got home Fennie and I were beyond exhausted. I had to return to work the next day. I was not sure what sort of reaction I would face. Despite the need for the time off to reflect on what has been happening in my life, I felt guilty for making my coworkers pick up the slack of my little break. And to be honest, I was embarrassed! A mental breakdown is never pretty. And to have it take place in your workplace, ON A GODDAMN CRISIS LINE, is not very cool. But when I got back to work, it was just another day. There were a few people who pulled me aside to ask if I was OK. And I truly appreciate that. I have to be honest, I work with an INCREDIBLE group of people. They were completely understanding. They could not believe that I was able to take all of this and still show up to work and do my job. I have been conditioned to take what life throws at me and find a way to absorb it and keep moving forward. However I never gave myself an opportunity to address it all. But being outside and in nature, just myself and my best friend-slash-companion-slash-Ryde or Die, it gave me a chance to process all that has happened and all that I have to look forward to. I did not take turning 40 very well. But it is gone. I am now looking at 41. It is time to figure out a way to get back to living. L-I-V-I-N-'. It is time to evaluate my relationships and my role in them. It is time to figure out the person that I am wanting to be. I have seen a lot of unbelievable people fade out of my life and a lot of them are never coming back. Some of them I can only talk to in spirit. I am not promised another 10 years. I am not promised another year. Is this the kind of person that I want to be remembered for? And if not, then what I am going to have to do to get to that person?

[buckyismyaesthetic]

Punk (Chap. 3)

Summary: You’re head over heels for your best friend Bucky and hate the nickname he gave you as it doesn’t exactly scream romance.

Word count: 3324 (I know, long.  But it’s because idk when I’m gonna have more time to write the next chapterssss)

Warnings: Cursing, low-self esteem, chubby!reader x bucky, idk….

A/N:  I’m overwhelmed with the feedback on the first 2 chapters!  love you guys and i can only hope to live up to your expectations with this and all future installments!

If there was one thing you hated more than anything else in the world it was clothes shopping.  OK, that’s not entirely true.  Hydra was definitely up there…and commercials’ whose volume was louder than the show you were just watching so you had the crap scared out of you by some lady who was dancing and trying to get you to buy tampons so you’d ‘have a happy period’ (no such thing)… you really hated when you stepped in puddle on the kitchen floor while only wearing socks…any sort of insect…when you bought a book series but, for some unfathomable reason, the individual books weren’t the same height, because that’s just ridiculous.  Why would anyone think it’d be acceptable to have books 1, 2, 3, and 4 to all line up perfectly on the shelf then have 5 be slightly taller only to then revert back to the original proportions for 6 and 7?!  It’s was utter nonsense and the people responsible for inflicting such depravity on the literary world should—

Rap! Rap! Rap!  “Get dressed!”  Nat hollered from the other side of the dressing room door.  “I’m going to pay for these.  Meet me at the register.”  The clinking of hangers and rustling of clothing signalled her departure as you hopped back into your jeans and slipped your “Talk Wookie to me” T-shirt back on.  You let out a sigh at your reflection.  Can’t wear this anymore, you thought dejectedly. It was your favourite shirt. Faded, thin, and baggy from having been thrown into the wash so many times it was a shadow of what it once was.

But this was your decision.  You asked—begged—Natasha to get you some girlier clothes, and that she did.  Though she had to drag you through the stores kicking and screaming. She was a real trooper.  She’d found things that emphasized the boobs you don’t have, and dresses that cinched to give you some semblance of hips and a waist, and there were heels—God, where there heels.  Heels with pointy toes and heels with opened toes.  Heels with straps to hold you in and heels without straps designed for you to fall out.  And the pants—why were they so freakin’ tight?  Your legs felt like they’d been sausage wrapped.  How were you supposed to sit or breathe or eat?  And why was your underwear always showing when you sat down?  And how come all those shirts were so flimsy and short and see through?  You had to buy second shirt just to wear under the first one!  The injustice!

But it really didn’t matter what she had picked out; you felt like wolf in sheep’s clothing nonetheless.  Even when Natasha swore up and down that you looked nice in everything you tried on, you couldn’t see it. You believed what your eyes showed you, not what your friend said.  You could still see the fat rolls fighting straining fabrics, pulling at the seams. Nothing looked like how you’d imagined it in your head.  And everything just seemed too tight and uncomfortable.  And though you were trying on clothes, you couldn’t help but feel naked and exposed as you glared at your reflection in the floor-length mirror.

With a heavy sigh, you trudged from the dressing room to meet Natasha.  She handed you back the receipt and your credit card and you almost passed out in the middle of the mall.   “This is obscene!  This is a down payment on car or a home or a kid!”

“Could’ve just made Tony pay for it,” Nat sing-songed.

“No, no one can know about this!”  

“Oh, yeah, because you suddenly walking around like Malibu Barbie won’t be suspicious at all.”

“Shut up, Natasha.”

Being the incredibly skilled spy that she was, Natasha managed to sneak you back into tower without running into anyone besides F.R.I.D.A.Y who didn’t really count as a person and who didn’t really care about operation-get-Bucky-to-fall-madly-in-love-with-you.  Natasha didn’t know about the name…

Your bedroom was down the same hallway as Bucky’s and Steve’s, past the kitchen, but closest to the side balcony where Tony had set up a little garden.  You liked to go there and read.  Or sit in the sun with your fat black cat, Ferdinand, who liked to chase butterflies and lounge in patches of sunlight.  And occasionally you’d wander out there to feed the pigeons which you and Bucky had dubbed “Sam’s babies” after you two had lured him out there, thrown a loaf of Italian bread out after him, and locked the door.  He’d shrieked “Rat’s with wings!” for days afterwards, jumped whenever someone cooed, and twitched whenever a bird flew past a window.

But you didn’t have time for those sorts of shenanigans anymore, you thought wistfully as you flung the shopping bags into the closet, slammed the door, and listened to the bags crash against it.  You’d clean it up later…probably…

A knock sounded at the door.  “Yeah?” you called as you pushed against the closet door and glared, practically daring it to open and release the mess from within.  

“Hey, Punk,” Bucky said as he stepped over the threshold.  Punk.  Ugh.  What? No, hey Y/N, you’re looking exceptionally spectacular today.  And by the way I love you.  He eyed the shirt he’d seen you in a thousand times before and gave you a smirk.

“Hey, BB,” you replied with an embarrassed tug at your collar; it was the little pet name you had for him and only you got away with using it.  Peter had tried once and ended up getting shoved off the end of the couch rather unceremoniously.  “What’s up?” Bucky made himself comfortable on your unmade bed and, as it usually did when Bucky sat in your room, heat crept up your neck as your brain exploded with thoughts of oh my god he’s in my bed, he’s in my bed!

Ferdinand, as he was prone to do, interrupted Bucky before he could speak, chirruped and snuck out from having been hibernating in the dusty, dark corners under the bed for the majority of the day.  He wound his way through Bucky’s legs and rubbed his face all over his boots.  “Hey, Ferd,” Bucky chuckled, scratching the cat’s ears.  Ferdinand purred like a motor boat and flopped onto his back, exposing his belly.  Having fallen prey more than once to this so called show of submission, Bucky leaned over and rubbed Ferdinand’s tummy with his metal arm.  Ferd pounced, claws and fangs extended, but not even the ferocious tenacity of a house cat could dent that metal and he huffed and hopped onto the bed, content with leaning against the soldier’s thigh and falling asleep.  Bucky chuckled and pet his fur.  You smiled.  Ferdinand, like his owner, loved Bucky, though he was far more comfortable showing it.  You often found them snuggling in the living room and, though he denied it, you were pretty sure Bucky slipped Ferd table scraps and was the one who got him hooked on catnip…

“What’s up?” you repeated.  The awkward silence had extended long enough for your liking.

“Nothin’ much.  Jus’ wonderin’ if you wanted ta come train.  I’m meetin’ the rest of the boys down there in a few,” he said pulling the first stuffed animal he could find onto his lap where he tugged absentmindedly at its ears.  The movement caught your attention and you groaned inwardly. Ugh!  You’re stupid bed.  Grown women had tasteful throw pillows and bed skirts…and sheets!  Your room looked like the love child of a frat boy and the winner of a Dungeons and Dragons game.  Nobody would walk into your room and think; hmm I bet some sexy supermodel lives here.  No.  Their first thought would be; please find the twelve year old boy who lives here and introduce him to a vacuum cleaner!

Distractedly, you looked around the room.  It was your safe place…or at least it used to be. Where you could be Y/N.  Where it was okay to have movie posters and memorabilia, where your costumed jewellery could be displayed like the Crown Jewels, where each video game system had a place and shelf, where the DVDs took up a book case all their own, where fantasy books could fill all the crannies and all the nooks.  And though he’d been in here a thousand times before, Bucky’s presence, all of the sudden, made you embarrassed of this place and everything in it.  Ashamed of everything that you loved because it wasn’t ‘cool’ enough, wasn’t ‘feminine’ enough, wasn’t ‘good’ enough…not for Bucky.

This room wasn’t like Natasha’s or Wanda’s. It wasn’t a woman’s room.  It didn’t have a woman’s touch, or smell, or style.  Instead it was filled with toys and posters and the sheets clashed with the pillow cases.   Nat’s room, when not being taken over by Clint and his mess, was filled with guns and knives and grown-up books like “Zen and the Art of Assassination” and “How to Build Your Own Supercomputer without Really Trying”.  Her room had candles and art.  Real art. The stuff they hang up in museums. Paintings of cottages and fairies painted by old, dead, Italian guys.  The pictures on her wall weren’t purchased at Comic Con.  And Wanda’s room didn’t look like it was designed from a page in the kids section of the IKEA catalogue.  The Sokovian’s bedroom was filled with puffy cushions and potted plants.  Everything was soft and pale and radiated warmth. Her style was minimalist.  Things looked clean; her room was clean.  She actually vacuumed. And dusted!  She used coasters!  Her furniture matched; she’d bought a bedroom set.  You, on the other hand, bought your night table from the thrift store and paid some college kid three hundred bucks for your mattress after hitting the first link you found on Craig’s List.

“Hell-oo?” Bucky’s voice pulled you out of your musings.

“Yeah, hi, sorry.  Huh?  What’s up?” you gushed, Good.  No, that’s good, not at all weird.

Bucky smirked and you wanted to smack his stupid, beautiful face.  “I asked if ya wanted ta come train but ya spaced out.”

“I did not.”

“Did too. Thinkin’ about Star Wars again?”

“No.”  Though the new move was spectacular.

“That show with the dragons?”

“Game of Thrones, you know what it’s called you watched it with me.  And no.” You pulled the stuffed animal from his hands and tossed it on the chair where you’d piled up all of the freshly laundered clothes you hadn’t bothered to put away for three days.  Ferdinand opened one eye and gave you a nasty look. Apparently the movement had disturbed him.

“Oh yeah,” Bucky said with exaggerated understanding.  “The one with the naked people!  Is that what you were thinkin’ about?  Porn?” He waggled his eyebrows teasingly and gave you sly grin before swiping his tongue over his lips.

“No!” you yelped loudly.  That little tease of tongue got you all flustered.    “I wasn’t!” Great, now he thinks I’m lying.

He blew out a disbelieving puff of air from his nose and said sarcastically.  “Sure, sure.”

Your face heated up as if you were standing in front of an oven and you were pretty sure that he could see sweat stains forming underneath your arm pits.  You crossed your arms over your chest and huffed, “Really, I wasn’t!” 

Bucky, with a mysterious gleam in his eye, cocked his beautiful head to the side in thought.  He’d recently cut his once long hair into a shorter more modern do that left a layer of soft, dark curls on top that made your fingers twitch with desire to card through.  He nodded. “Yeah, you’re right.  You wouldn’t think about that stuff at all.”

The fuck that’s supposed to mean? You felt your eyes widen fractionally with shock and your brain went into overdrive coming up with interpretations to what Bucky could’ve possibly meant.  What, fat girls can’t think about sex? Is that too repulsive of a thought? To think that someone who doesn’t have a body like a porn star could ever fathom getting down and dirty?  You could be dirty.  Hell, the things you imagined doing with Bucky, doing to Bucky were downright sinful.  NC-17.  Rated XXX. Not suitable for all audiences.  The things you pictured he could do with those hands, that mouth, that body.  Oh lordy, you spent many sleepless nights with visions of you two perfectly entwined, writhing together, gasping for air, moaning in ecstasy.  

The silence stretched on for what felt like eons before Bucky slapped his palms on his knees, irritating Ferd who yawned and crawled up to sit on your pillows, and got back to his feet.  “You okay, Punk?” He asked gently.  The way his voice lowered in a soft whisper seemingly full of concern had your heart fluttering like a hummingbirds.  But then he had to go and ruin it with that stupid nickname.  The nickname that didn’t relay any hint of affection.  Punk punk punk punk.

“Yeah, just tired,” you lied.  “I was shopping with Natasha all morning.”

“We went over this; no more books until you get another shelf.”  He motioned to the pile of books you’d arranged next to your bed since you’d run out of room on the book cases. 

You smirked.  He had a point.  “We were clothes shopping, B.”

Bucky blinked his big, beautiful eyes stupidly at you.  “What? Why?  You hate clothes shopping.  You never go clothes shopping.”

You rolled your eyes dramatically.  “I buy clothes.  I need clothes.”  He glanced at the mountain of folded clothes on the chair and raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Different clothes.”  

“What’s wrong with the ones you got?”

Everything. So many things.  They’re wrong.  “Nothing, just—I dunno, tryin’ somethin’ different, that’s all.”  It came out all mumbled and you refused to look him in the eye, instead watching your slipper clad foot graze the hardwood floor.  Maybe you hadn’t thought all this stuff through quite right.  Yeah, you wanted him to notice a change, why the hell otherwise wold you blow an entire pay check on a bunch of getups you didn’t even like? But you didn’t think he’d notice. Like ask questions.  You thought it would be like in those teen movies where you walked down the stars looking all lust worthy and he’d stand there, mouth agape, at a loss for words by your breath-taking transformation into a certified bombshell.  But noooooo. You hadn’t even put anything on and he was suspicious of you.  Asking questions.  Already looking freaked out.  Faaaaacccckk. 

“Okay, I was—” but he didn’t finish his sentence as his phone buzzed in his pocket.  “Sorry,” he said, picking up the device and looking at the screen.  

You smiled, remembering it was you who had taught him how to operate it.  You’d found him a ringtone and showed him how to set up backgrounds, even forcing him to take a selfie with you and making it your icon for when you called him. Vaguely, you wondered if he still had it or if he’d decided to go back to leaving it blank, instead of having to look at your abominable face.

“Change of plans, we’re goin’ for a run instead,” Bucky grinned.  “Relax, you’re off the hook.  I’ve seen ya run,” he laughed lightly.

Um, what? What the hell’s that supposed to mean? Sure, you despised running in every form and you didn’t exactly keep quiet about it.  But that didn’t mean you couldn’t do it, maybe not very fast or for very long, but that was beside the point; you could run.  Immediately you became self-conscious.  ‘I’ve seen ya run’.  Oh god, did he see your thighs jiggle with every heavy step as you practically Hulk-stomped the pavement?  Did he notice the slight waddle you did as your legs shook with the effort to keep pace?  For the love of all things holy, please don’t say he noticed your thighs rubbing together or how you’d have to stop to pull up your leggings as your muffin top bounced loose and pushed the fabric down and under the roll.  Subtly, you pulled on your shirt to make it baggier, so as not to emphasise the fat underneath.  

“Anyway, I gotta go, Punk.  We’re goin’ out tonight.  ‘Round ten.  You in?” He asked.   

You weren’t up for a repeat of last night. Your self-esteem was already shot to shit and if you had to watch another flawless woman wrap herself around Bucky you might just spontaneously combust in a jealous rage or attack any woman within a ten foot radius of Bucky like a rabid dog.  You sighed heavily.  Just the image of Bucky with someone else had you feeling uglier by the minute.  

“Uh, no thanks.” 

“Really?  Again? You always come out with us,” he argued.

“I have plans already,” you lied.  “With, uh, Nat and Wanda.  Girls Nite.  We’re goin’ out.”  Lie.  Lie. That’s a lie.

Bucky nodded, lips pursed in amusement.  “Since when do you do ‘Girls Nite’?”  He made the finger quotes in mid-air.  

His incessant questioning was getting on your nerves.  You hadn’t planned on having to come up with so many lies so early in the game.  This isn’t how it is in the movies!  The dude isn’t supposed to ask so many questions!  Just accept the metamorphosis and move on! You replied, annoyed with his over emphasis on ‘you’. “You don’t know everything about me, Bucky.” Oh, yeah! Be a lil’ sassy!  Be mysterious!  Natasha’s gonna be so proud.

Bucky smiled at that.  “I know more than ya think, Punk.”  He gave you a wink and your heart dropped into your butt.  Oh god, does he know?  Please don’t know.  I’m not ready, I’m not ready.  I haven’t practiced what to say or do, I was gonna make a speech and, fuck, I’m wearing this stupid fucking shirt— “Alright, I’ll see ya at dinner then. We’re orderin’ Chinese and rumour has it that there’s pie for desert,” he teased and gave you a poke to the ribs that made you squirm away, not wanting him to prod the blubber. 

Ugh, he knows I eat!  But, fuck, I do love pie.

“See ya later,” and he clapped you on the shoulder and strutted out the door.  Mm mm mm!  That walk!  He was a typical ‘hate to see ya go but love to watch ya leave’ kinda guy.  The sexy lean, the hip swivel, and hot damn that ass! You could watch Bucky strut his stuff all day long.  He was one fine piece of man-candy.

You shook your whole body like a dog shaking off water. Calm yourself, woman!  Be cool. Be cool.  Once the Bucky fog lifted, you couldn’t help but dwell on your conversation and the conclusions you had drawn, mainly that you were fat and ugly and decidedly not sexy.  It wasn’t news to you, but the fact that Bucky was even minutely aware of any of those things made you want to fling yourself in front of a bus…at least then your stomach might be flat.

And thinking of that, you looked down at your Pillsbury Doughboy tummy and poked it angrily.  “Go away,” you scolded it.  “You ruin everything.”

With a deep, resigned sigh you gave up and changed into workout clothes, keeping your back to Ferdinand so as not to give the little perv a chance to oogle. Maybe some kickboxing would make you feel better.  You could imagine your face on the bag as you punched away.  And while you were at it you could talk yourself into a night on the town—OH MY GOD I DIDN’T TELL NAT AND WANDA!

You raced out of your room, hoping that Bucky hadn’t already run into either woman and mention the plans you’d made for them without their knowledge…Operation-get-Bucky-to-fall-madly-in-love-with-you turning out to be a lot more complicated than you had originally thought.

TAG LIST:  strike-through means the tag doesn’t seem to work.  If your tag doesn’t work for some reason, send me a message and I’ll take a look.

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[em44owls]

Joshler Fic

I Think I Lost My Halo- “When the boys end up lab partners at the start of last semester, Tyler finds a new good little Christian boy to lead astray, and Josh finds new reasons to feel guilty. But if it's so wrong, then how can being with Tyler feel so right?” (96041 words) 18/18

Isle of Flightless Birds- “It wasn't a soulbond. It couldn't be. Because they hadn't met. But this boy in Josh's dreams with the hazel eyes almost black with fear felt more real than the chair Josh was sitting on. And the pain in his wrist felt as if there should be healing lines. And the emotions washing over him didn't always fit. (75837 words) 15/15

My Treehouse Is On Fire- “Tyler's apartment complex gets evacuated at 3am because of a fire and he ends up talking to some pink haired guy wearing a hoodie and boxers.” (61372 words) 43/43

Million dollar man- “josh just needs a good story to keep his less than thriving journalist job, and tyler probably has enough dirty laundry to break the news.” (56278 words)

We're Young, We're Dumb, and We Don't Care- “In which Tyler leaves home for his reasons, and meets Josh who left school for his own” (49099 words) 48/48

Tyler and Josh vs. The World.- “An angel and a devil in a suburban Ohio high school. What could go wrong?” (48748 words) 58/58

falling for you, literally, three times- "I don't wanna be responsible for getting you into trouble." "Ah, I have a feeling you'll be doing a lot of that, Tyler Joseph." Tyler moves to London and finds himself falling for Josh, quite literally, and Josh wonders whether the shy new kid is exactly what he's been waiting for.” (43130 words) 17/17

Still high with a little feeling- “Josh offers Tyler to be his pet in the mafia, not knowing it’ll lead to something different.” (40658 words) 12/12

Innocent High- “Josh Dun, a Sex ED teacher at Columbus High, is receiving letters everyday from an unknown source. The letters are rather...sexual.” (39961 words) 51/51

Josh hates his job.- “It's not that he doesn't like helping omega's in need or that he can't manage the tasks, it's just that it's hard to watch them go when they don't need him anymore. He wants an omega that stays.” (33861 words) 14/14

every little thing is gonna be alright- “Josh is kinda stoned, Tyler is kinda broken, and this is the start of something kinda beautiful. (the chapters are all connected drabbles and are out of order. the chapters are numbered in the title in the order they should be read in! sorry for any confusion)” (31890 words) 15/15 

Take Care of You- “Business trips hardly feel like trips at all when you hardly leave your hotel room. Tyler hadn't planned on seeking company, but it seemed like making a friend for the week would be the most convenient thing, even if he was a little pricey.” (31180 words) 5/5

I Will Make You Believe You Are Lovely- “It's Josh's 18th birthday and he's finally going to receive his Soul Mark and find out who his Soul Mate is.” (30230 words) 13/13 

Entertain Mit’s always sunny in ohio- “Uh, my date—my date is, uh.” Tyler stutters, feeling his cheeks flush. “Spill, Tyler.” Maddy leans forward, her elbows resting on the table.“Josh,” Tyler blurts out. (26781 words)

~long way down- “a knock at the door leads to more than what Tyler was expecting, and it ends up being the one thing that saves him.”  (26013 words)

Let Me Take Care of You- “Josh is the Tyler is his boyfriend. Some of his teammates don't like that.It's almost exactly as high school as it sounds” (21140 words)

Into The Wild- “Two boys from two completely different worlds collide and things get interesting. Trust is shared. Feelings develop. And none of them suspects what the future brings.” (21734 words) 5/5

Safe- “Tyler is one step away from losing hope. Josh happens.” (21504 words) 

I'm trying to sleep- “Tyler is abused by his dad and bullied at school, until Josh comes along and gives him the love he always needed.” (21381 words) 22/22

I Don't Wanna Fall Away- “Lately, Josh has been having these weird, inappropriate thoughts about his best friend. He doesn't know how long he can fight them, but he doesn't want to risk their friendship either.” (21313 words) 14/14

Blue neighborhood- “brown eyes with colored hair covered in tattoos and piercings makes Tyler forget the differences between wrong and right.” (20903 words)

Wild Geese- “No offense,” Josh replied, unfolding his arms. “But the straightest thing about me is my middle finger.” In which the summer before college becomes the summer of Tyler, and Josh learns how to care.” (20598 words)

Her name is Tyler- “Josh didn’t typically pick up other guys in a bar and take them home but then again he also didn’t see many guys wearing a soft pink skirt.” (20147 words)

you belong to me (you must obey me)- ”hating someone more than Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun hate each other is not possible. but what are those strange feelings they get?” (19435 words) 16/16

Fanfic reading- “One, Josh has a secret: he's obsessed with reading Joshler fanfiction. And not the PG stuff either.” (19247 words) 2 works

Caught in the Act- “Tyler and Josh are best friends. Tyler and Jenna are happily married. But all hell breaks loose when Tyler finds them in bed together.” (18909 words) milk and honey- “Tyler doesn't like to be touched. Josh shows him he can touch him without using skin.” (17938 words) It's as good as I can be (This is all that I can be)- “Tyler struggles with the meaning of being religious as well as his developing sexuality” (16575 words) Bro.- “Tyler moves to Los Angeles, where he discovers his next door neighbor has gone from punk to hunk, and oh nooooo he's falling for him.” (15828 words) When You Really Gotta Go- “Just some really great Joshler omorashi” (15960 words) 10/10 Don't Leave (When Winter Comes)- “Josh and Tyler live in an unfamiliar city, far away and disconnected from the local culture and the homes they once knew. Tyler performs in grimy, alternative bars, and Josh idolizes him. They get involved, but Tyler seems hell-bent on destroying himself and everything in his path. Josh is really earnest and tries to hold on for the ride.” (15788 words) 7/7 Mustard- “The one where Tyler sits on street corners and plays his ukulele for money and Josh hates his life.” (14828 words)

He’s Got The Midas Touch- “So Josh, do you know why I called you in here?” Tyler starts.Josh closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before replying, “because I accidentally sent you a dick pic?”Tyler looks visibly surprised, he stops pouring his glass of wine when he sees the nervous look on Josh's face. “Accidentally?” (8838 words) 2/2

Screen- “Tyler is a camboy and Josh is an awkward young man.” (6432 words)

Cold Mocha- “Josh finally agrees to fuck Tyler.” (5712 words)

got caught under the covers- “Or, 5 Times Tyler and Josh Got Caught, and 1 Time They Didn't.” (5195 words)

get down on your knees and tell me you love me- “Tyler gets a new job as an assistant at a huge publishing company, and he doesn't make a good first impression on the boss' son.” (4570 words)

Fluffer- “Originally, Tyler applied as a camera assistant.” (4193 words)

everytime you come around (i feel like glitter)- "I accidentally grabbed your notebook and i found a crap ton of gay writings/doodles and they're amazing. Wait, are those combinations of our names all over the pages?" (4137 words) 2/2

Liquor- “Tyler likes instructions, Josh needs them.” (3857 words)

a little taste of heaven- "Can I touch you?" came the question. Tyler sighed, the sound turning into a sweet whimper. He nodded affirmatively, letting go of his own cock and placing his hand on the pillow instead, giving Josh better access” (3533 words)

Snowed In- “No power, no heat, no clothes, no problem.” (3490 words)

 Entertain Me (under lips)- “After three years, Tyler knew subtlety was dead. So when Josh poked Tyler's thigh and said, “I'm horny.” (2769 words)

Perfect Symmetry- “Josh likes his drums, but he also likes Tyler’s hips.” (2648 words)

Cedar Point- High School AU, Smut (2606 words)

A Milano- “After all the running he's done today, Josh is eager to get back to his tent for some alone time. Good thing Tyler's only a phone call away.” (2397 words)

get naked (i got a plan)- “Meeting fans after shows is great and everything, but sometimes you just need some private time with your boyfriend first.” (2005 words)

lights low, mouth open- “josh is a slob when it comes to the theater and tyler is just trying to do his job.” (1978 words) 

Variety- “prompt: "dom tyler with shy josh and dirty talk !!" (1846 words)

scarlet harlot [because you’re mine]- “He doesn't want to admit it, but this whole situation is slightly hot: Him bent over a sink, Tyler tugging his hair.... In which Tyler dyes Josh's hair and also gives him an orgasm.” (1810 words)

It’s not what it looks like- “Tyler underestimates the time Josh is supposed to be home at.” (1776 words)

Use me until ever little piece is gone- “Tyler is willing and adores being used for Josh's pleasure Josh is dominant and adores how Tyler lets him fulfil his darkest fantasies” (1761 words)

yellow- “has anyone ever told you that you’re beautiful?”- Josh  “n-no.”-Tyler “you’re absolutely beautiful.”-Josh (1695 words)  

100 kinks.- “100 kink challenges". they start off cute and fluffy and gets more kinky as i go.” (14688 words) 6/? 

Indecent- “Tyler loses his virginity on his birthday in the back of a pickup truck.” (1453 words) 

somber- “Come here and kiss me some more.” Tyler says then, and it takes Josh by surprise, going over the sentence in his head, trying to figure out if it’s a simple joke between friends or not.” (1433 words)

room with a view- “They really didn't mean to put on a show like this.” (1399 words) (a series)

the best things happen at the worst of times, tyler thinks- “tyler Loved jenna. it took him too long to realize he loved josh more.” (1321 words)

angel- “tyler is a 50 year old ghost who haunts joshua's house, but is an absolute adorable lil' peach that joshua adores, but pouts when the brunet catches him doing something embarrassing.” (1183 words)

sweet- “ty and j turn into soft pants and delicate groans after a show.” (1102 words)

Dare me- “Tyler choked on a sip of his drink. Did he hear that right? Did Josh really say that?” (1181 words)

Fuck Fake Friends- “Fuck fake friends, we don’t need them, the only thing they’re good for is leaving.” (1136 words)

grinding Together with occasional Touch of  enamel- “Some pure Tyler and Josh being Tyler and Josh” {sex, masturbation, and smut} (1013 words)

It’s our hearts that make the (dubstep) beat.- “Tyler likes to play games and make challenges. Josh has only one rule when it comes to music during sex. Tyler is a little shit.” (982 words)

Caught in the shower- “Where Josh thinks dirty thoughts about his best friend in the shower and Tyler catches him.” (683 words)

Frozen Still- “Josh's lips tasted like champagne and new (670 words)

Pretty Sounds (Stick Around)- “You know what I want to do today?" (622 words)

Wendy’s- “Josh is popular but doesn’t realise it. Tyler’s always new.” (439 words) 

Frottage- fics with frottage in it

Already Read...//

(Part 1) Almost - “Five times Tyler almost told Josh he loved him and the one time Josh told him.” (2702 words)

(Part 2) Angry - “Five times Tyler gets angry with Josh and the one time Josh gets angry with Tyler.” (1510 words)

(Part 5) Care - “Five times Josh falls asleep and the one time Tyler almost does too.” (2111 words)

Nobody looks up anymore - “ Tyler staring up at the sky. Josh comes up to see if there way anything wrong.” (1302 words)

Friction - “Tyler needs something that Jenna can’t offer up and they turn to Josh for some help. Aka Josh is a-o-k with tying Tyler up and fucking him” (3418 words)

And Then There Was Pink- “Josh finds himself in Tyler’s flower shop and Tyler finds himself seeing color.” (6581 words)

1. Kissing - “Tyler has the sweetest and fullest lips Josh has ever seen, and he loves taking complete advantage of that.” (175 words)

Detention- “Josh and Tyler get trapped alone together inside their schools building when a vicious snow storm hits their town.” (5528 words)  

He’s Got The Midas Touch- “So Josh, do you know why I called you in here?” Tyler starts.Josh closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before replying, “because I accidentally sent you a dick pic?”Tyler looks visibly surprised, he stops pouring his glass of wine when he sees the nervous look on Josh's face. “Accidentally?” (6021 words)  

i get around- “Josh really hates parties.” (1882 words)

Million Dollar House- “Tyler loved to paint, and Josh's body was the perfect canvas.” (1395 words)  

Careful What You Wish For- “What’s more awkward than having front row tickets to your friends having sex?” (2233 words)  

The one with no electricity- “The electric goes off in Josh's and Tyler's apartment and Tyler is scared of the dark...” (1054 words)

Truth Hurts (Literally)- “Tyler drinks this weird foreign liquid and now he can't keep his big fat mouth shut.” (3361 words)  

Doritos - “Tyler picked up his packet of Taco Doritos before walking out into the living room and sighing when he saw Josh, who was sitting on his phone once again.” (589 words)      

14. Sex toys- “Ty...deeper...please..." His rasp is without pain but sweetly desperate.” (403 words)

24. Rimming - “Tyler holds to his chest like he’s forgotten what air is and whispers the sweetest blasphemies as Josh pays worship to his body.” (464 words)

94. Giggly sex- "Babe, we're already boyfriends. You don't have to pick me up. I'm yours!" (344 words)

Cheat - ”one finds the other one cheating.” (608 words)      

Mentors- Josh mentored Tyler and they like date and Tyler leaves his house because of his fucked up family. Oh and Josh was like dating Debby in the beginning woo (sarcasm)  (43659 words) 36/36

30 Day Smut Challenge (Joshler)- 30 days of smut basically. (36663 words) 29/30 

Brat- “Tyler is feeling ignored by Josh, so when they go to a bar Tyler kisses Brendon so Josh’ll see and punish him.” (706 words)

Hopeless | Joshler- “one where josh finds a boy in the school bathroom and knows he as no other option” (759 words)

Baby Boy- “Tyler has a diaper fetish.” (330 words)

Truce- “In the future, anyone can apply for assisted suicide. Josh works helping people end their lives in a peaceful, painless way, and he's okay with it. But it hurts so much when a brown eyed boy comes asking for his assistance.” (3162 words)

Get Through This Together- “Tyler and Josh are the type of people who can call each other 'best friend' after knowing each other for about 2 months. They share everything from food to their bed to their wildest dreams. They've even developed a routine together. Sadly, that routine gets shaken by something they weren't expecting…” (2971 words) 

The X-Files Fic- “In which Josh delves into the world of X-Files fanfiction, and decides that there needs to be X-Files fanfiction starring him and Tyler. But it’s totally not gay, okay guys? Just a story about him and his bro solving crimes about aliens and maybe they kiss sometimes.” (4782 words)

The Red Bull Fic- “The milk fic only with joshler and Red Bull.”  (3465 words)

itty bitty- “Tyler finds Josh on his heat. Josh needs his teeny tiny cock played with and a massive cock to fill his dripping hole.” (2509 words)

Come On and Work it All Out- “Tyler and Josh wake up only remembering their own name, and try to figure out who they are.” (2665 words)

85 Percent- trans Josh gets pregnant on Tyler’s wedding (2991 words)

oh boy, did tyler fuck up.- "it's not like he actually wanted to sit in an almost empty emergency room in his local hospital a saturday evening, sipping on watery coffee that barely counts as lukewarm with a dildo stuck in his ass" (3753 words) 

Something Wicked This Way Comes- “Tyler is an urban witch. Josh is a bounty hunter. A lot of shit goes down.” (15440 words)

Frozen Still- “If he left this party knowing that Josh had been sitting alone, available, not having kissed anyone at all… he wouldn’t forgive himself for the entirety of the new year. This, Tyler thought, as Josh rested his chin against his knees, was a boy who should be kissed.” (1021 words)

there’s only one virgin left and that’s you- “tylers the last virgin in a sex crazed high school that even awards you points for the amount of people you get with. tyler thinks it's dumb and plans on keeping his virginity till he graduates, but with everyone after him it seems like a challenge.” (1306 words)

Lead Singer- “Tylers the energetic lead singer Josh didn’t expect to be fucking.” (940 words)

Discovering The Waterfront- “Tyler lives in a sexless village, where the very concept of even having a sex drive has become obsolete. Josh moves in from the city and changes that.” (9947 words) 5/5

He Belongs to the Game- “In which Tyler is kind of a stripper, Josh is kind of an asshole, and they both kind of figure it out.” (3207 words)

Handful- “adorable first date gone wrong.” (fluff) (3012 words)

Never Gunna Give You Up- “Prompt: Tyler goes into rut, and Josh helps him through it.” (2149 words)

gets off on being down- “tyler would do anything for attention.” (1352 words)

Fire In Every Sign of Winter Marasa- “Dude, I'm freaking out.” That’s a complete understatement.” (6262 words) 3/3 

Decode- “Josh is punk. Tyler wears floral skirts. They fuck on a bet.” (4337 words)  

Fifty shades of pink- “When Jenna's away the boys will play, but what happens when they lose track of time.” (2894 words)

Lights On- “Prom night is coming up, and Tyler knows that his date might have certain… expectations. The only problem? Tyler’s never done anything with a girl before. Fortunately, Josh has.” (4525 words) 

Show me what you've got- “Joshua dun is in love with his brother-in-law, Tyler. It's disgusting and wrong but he can't help it. It's worse when Tyler takes advantage of it.” (4118 words) 2/2 

Bold & Fearless In The Risks We Take- “The first time they met, Tyler made Josh bleed. But as blood brothers, the friendship endures all life's growing pains.” (42176 words)

Spicy cycle (dirty laundry)- “There were many tweets warning others ‘don't share the pics. You’re an asshole if you do. Be respectful!' but it didn’t take Tyler too long to uncover the first of the photos. Everything changed after that.” (26584 words) 7/7 

bold and fearless in the risks we take- “tyler doesn’t remember much of what transpired to have him walking down the side of an empty road well past midnight, gently clutching his broken nose, fingers dripping with his own blood.” (72677) 22/22 (never finished; Read: 3/16/18)

i wanna make you mine (but that's hard to say)- “in which tyler's an idiot who chooses to study for exams at two in the morning and josh wants to be cranky but tyler's lips are kinda distracting” (1290 words) 

let me love (let me touch)- “The atmosphere was light, the moon shone through the curtains, and there wasn't a thing that Tyler wanted more than to make his boy feel good.” (1289 words)

this love- “josh is trans and having a bad dysphoria day. tyler tries to help him out.” (1260 words)

Stateless- “Send me a pic. And then I'll help you out.” (1288 words)

Soul Love-”Tyler and Josh have a swap.” (1189 words)

No homo- sex on tour bus while tyler says no homo ironically. (1166 words) 

Idk what to title this- “In which Josh likes to take it and Tyler likes to give it.” (1165 words) 

you're the holiest thing i know- “Tyler is nervous. Josh is the biggest sweetheart in the world.” (1156 words) 

A Little Time Off- “Josh just wants to have a lazy day off watching cartoons, but Tyler misses him a little too much” (1146 words) 

In His Arms- “Tyler has a nightmare. Josh gives him a hand *cough cough* to help him sleep.” (1134 words) 

He keeps me warm- has exhibition and sex. (1104 words) 

Sweet Lovin'- “Tyler wants cookies and Josh's love.” (1025 words) 

Famous Last Words- “The one where Josh has Tyler cum trained.” (1015 words) 

keep my eyes closed and try to feel all of the effects- “Josh needs Tyler to help him with something.” (1013 words)

grinding Together with occasional Touch of enamel- “Some pure Tyler and Josh being Tyler and Josh” (1013 words)

Fluff blowjob stuff- “Tyler is an intern at the bakery where Josh works and they're so gay for each other and after closing time, things happen” (1010 words) 

In Tents- “Tyler's mind doesn't think all the way through at midnight.” (1421 words) 

I think I lost my halo- “A one shot where Tyler misses Josh desperately and decides to Skype him.” (1408 words)

Every You, Every Me- “Tyler no longer wanted to nap - he wanted to kiss Josh until both of them came in their pants.” (1357 words) 

you're out of the band- “josh 'helps' tyler after he is told he is out of the band, and maybe finds his way back in after he 'helps'.” (1335 words) 

Texts for Josh Dun- “Josh gets a text from an unknown number.” (1314 words) 

Light Me Up Inside- “It's Tyler's birthday, but an unexpected snow storm and the dropping temperature has him and Josh canceling their plans to have a little fun inside.” (1296 words) 

we do believe what's on tv- “tyler drunk calls josh. one thing leads to another, cause that's always how these things happen, right?” (1707 words) 

you give me lovin' (that good kind of lovin')- “phone sex b/c tyler and josh are away from each other for some reason.” (1661 words) 

Naked Noises- “Crappy motel porn.” (1670 words) 

I can do that- “Tyler sees him at church.” (1619 words) 

you're the reason i'm alone and masturbate- “He doesn’t have a problem with masturbation; put a bunch of horny guys in their twenties together on a bus and you’re bound to hear someone at least once. It’s just, Josh could at least try to act like he wasn’t jerking off almost every single night.” (1540 words) 

Why not, we're buds- “When Tyler wakes up to Josh moaning his name, he gets hard himself. He asks Josh to fix it for him. Because why not? They're buds.” (1595 words) 

Øn his knees- "Gonna ride you, but you can't touch me," Tyler smirked before looking Josh right in the eyes, "you can cum whenever you want to." (1500 words) 

Secret Ways- “Tyler has a humping kink. Josh is okay with it. They're both a little desperate for each other.” (1440 words) Warm and wet- “Tyler wants to make Josh squirt” (1428 words)  

It Feels Better (Biting Down)- “Tyler masturbates for the first time ever in the most awkward, yet strangely hot way possible.” (1490 words) 

Get Through This Together- “Tyler and Josh are the type of people who can call each other 'best friend' after knowing each other for about 2 months. They share everything from food to their bed to their wildest dreams. They've even developed a routine together. Sadly, that routine gets shaken by something they weren't expecting…” (2971 words) Variety- "dom tyler with shy josh and dirty talk !!" (1847 words) Halo- “He's got an early class tomorrow and he doesn't know why he came here but now there's a drink in his hand and he can't turn back.” (1828 words) knowing everything is fine- “Tyler is a powerbottom, and Josh is a meek lil nugget.” (1824 words) odi- “Tyler smirked. "Why? Is Joshie gonna cry?" He said in a baby voice, his bottom lip coming out into a pout. Tyler's tongue was sharp. So sharp he once brought Josh to tears, and he never let Josh forget it.” (1793 words) Incomplete- “Tyler brushes his thumb over Josh's mouth. Josh doesn't stir, but Tyler wishes he would, because he needs something to tire him out. They could indulge in something simple like pillowfights or jumping on the bed until it groans.” (1778 words) Surprise, surprise- “Tyler wants to surprise Josh, but he falls asleep.” (2121 words) Perfect Symmetry- “Josh likes his drums, but he also likes Tyler’s hips.” (2648 words) your taste is so inviting (now i'm living in a dream)- “Josh and Tyler take a shower together after a muddy game of soccer and Josh can't fathom why he suddenly wants to put his dick in his best friend's asshole.” (2645 words) Loud and Quiet- “At such a close proximity, Josh suddenly catches a whiff of something vaguely familiar. He chases it to Tyler’s hair and inhales discreetly. Josh blinks. “Are you...are you high?” (1851 words) Fetish: Joshler- “Josh is sick of being alone and can tell by Tyler's posts that Ty is missing him too. After two weeks of separation and anger, Josh goes to Ty's house and works out his pent up frustration.” (1964 words) had me shakin' (just mine all mine)- (1949 words) It's not what it looks like- “Tyler underestimates the time Josh is supposed to be home at.” (1776 words) Use me until every little piece is gone- “Tyler is willing and adores being used for Josh's pleasure Josh is dominant and adores how Tyler lets him fulfil his darkest fantasies” (1761 words) We are so fucked- “This is my first work on archive so go easy on me. Okay so Tyler and Josh are teenagers who are madly in love but are convinced the other is straight so Jensen and Jared the cutest couple in school try to make them come together but will Tyler's worried that his past will get in the way But Josh has a secret of his own that might be just a little bit strange.” (1643 words) 4/4 And You May ask Yourself- “He’s never been with a boy before. But this isn’t just any boy. It’s Josh.” (1717 words) Clumsy- “Josh applauds Tyler's knot work; it's gotten better since last time and he can barely move his wrists at all. It's when he hears the soft patter of socked feet on carpet does he start to fumble.” (1717 words) periwinkle suits you [who i adore]- “Josh likes to secretly dress up in pretty lingerie. Tyler accidentally sees Josh's pretty panties when he's drunk.” (1451 words) 

Your Body Is My Wonderland- “Tyler is such a special person…he’s so soft and angelic looking…so fragile and pure. And yet at the same time he’s the pure embodiment of sin.” (1471 words)

Ferris Wheel- “Josh and Tyler take a break from their busy tour lives and head to a carnival. Tyler treats Josh with all the drinks he wants, which backfires. Aka the pee kink fic where josh gets fucked in a Ferris wheel then a bathroom” (1465 words) 

i get around- “Josh really hates parties.” (1882 words)

so where do we begin?- “Sometimes Tyler thinks of Josh as something a little more than just his best friend, and when Josh walks in on him with his hands down his pants moaning his name, things get a little awkward.” (1928 words)

House Of The Lord- “Sundays are meant to be spent in the bathroom, panting, and guilty.” (1940 words)

Back to school- “Tyler has some other desires he's been suppressing — desires to also be with men — more specifically, his openly gay college roommate, Josh. Desires he's ready to fulfill.” (2018 words)