#In the situation the articles mentioned I just nope out and retreat to somwhere where the stressor isnt

[fandom-necromancer]

729. I’ve got you. Breathe, okay? I’ve got you.

This was prompted by an amazing anon! I liked writing this, most of my big stories are kinda written in this atmosphere. But this isn’t a guide and I have never experienced a panic attack as I react differently to stressors. Still, I hope I got the feeling captured and those experiencing them out there stay safe and reach out for help! ❤

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900 (Warnings: Graphic description of panic attack, possibly misinformed author)

It was a slow day at the precinct. Calm even. Only a few more hours until they could save themselves into the weekend and Gavin couldn’t escape fast enough. Because he was the only one for whom everything was going to shit: He had sent emails to the wrong persons, spilled his coffee and his back was hurting from sitting in a wrong posture for too long. He just wanted home to his cats because this shit was adding up and mild inconveniences could become the end of the world right now. ‘Hey, Gavin, could you pass me your pen? Mine is empty again.’ The man reached for it to hand it over to Nines but instead flicked it across the table. Frozen he watched it roll towards the edge, rolling slower and falling down in bullet time. Gavin felt himself tensing up even more than he already was and took in a deep breath. Why? Why always him? Too incompetent to give his partner a damn pen! He bowed down to retrieve it from under his table but bumped his head at the table edge as he got back up. The pain added to his headache and he felt how his chest seemed to compress and his heart started to thump against his ribs. He handed Nines the pen, not hearing the ‘thanks’ from the android over the blood rushing through his ears and this thump thump THUMP THUMP.

He saw his chest moving up and down under his hoodie and leather jacket and saw his hands trembling over the keyboard, vision going blurry then, as he looked up at the too bright computer screen. No, he thought, feeling the heat rise and a single cold drop of sweat making its way along his body starting from the armpit, soon following more. It was so hot, he scrambled to get out of his jacket, not even caring to drape it over the backrest. He knew what this was, but it did jack shit to stop it. Immediately he rose to his feet. He needed something cold and secluded. He didn’t want the whole precinct to close in on him because that would just make it worse. All their pity and questions. He ran in the direction of the toilets, the other option – outside – too far away. Also, he could throw up in a toilet.

The trembling of his hands grew up to his arms and travelled down his legs, so he nearly dropped through the door, grabbing the first sink like a lifeline. His feet were unsteady and not to be trusted with his full weight. His heart was beating even faster, even harder now. He tried to take a deep breath, but he had no control anymore. His breaths were shallow and fast, a sharp yelping over tense muscles and a far too small ribcage that suffocated his heart. His vision folded in on itself, went dark on the edges and narrowed down on the drain that seemed far too clear, far too detailed.

Phck, you are having a heart attack. You are going to phcking die on a police toilet. Phck, phck PHCK PHCK!

‘Gavin!’ The man didn’t know how long someone had been taking – screaming? – at him. ‘Gavin! What is-‘ Gavin couldn’t concentrate, he was struggling hard to keep his legs under him right now and was failing. He felt himself falling, losing his grip on the sink, but something caught him, holding him with strong hands, very strong. ‘I’ve got you. Breathe, okay? I’ve got you.’ It sounded far away, it was repeated over and over again and helped him focus. ‘Just breathe, nothing more. Breath and listen to me. Feel. Feel how the air fills your lungs. Feel how your chest expands, it’s big enough, you are not suffocating. Count. Breath in and count to four. Hold it, then breath out. Feel how it enters and leaves.’ Gavin tried. But all he felt was pain in his chest and he only got to one count, four seemed impossible. ‘Good. You are doing really well. Try it. Breathe. In. Hold. Out.’ The voice was becoming clearer, but everything still hurt, and he only managed to get to two. And everything still hurt so much. ‘Gavin, you are having a panic attack. You are not dying, there is no one out there to get you. This isn’t permanent, it will be over soon, it’s only temporary. Breath.’ ‘I… know…’ Gavin pressed out between two ragged breaths and then held his sternum. Phck. ‘Good. Continue to breath. What do you feel? Tell me.’ ‘Pain. Tense. Hot.’ Gavin pressed his eyes close and balled his hands to fists. Suddenly there was a hand prying one open and pushing something inside. Something cool.

‘What have I given you? Just describe it, feel.’ ‘It is cold. And round. Smooth like glass.’ ‘Good. What else. Concentrate. Breath.’ ‘There is… feels like a crack. Wait, is this my stupid paperweight?’ He opened his eyes and looked at what was sitting in his palm. ‘Good. Describe it to me.’ ‘You-‘ ‘Just do it.’ Gavin looked at it intensely. ‘Little glass ball. Transparent. There is a flower inside. It was a gift from Eli. Because I’m allergic to that flower. My cat threw it to the ground once, so I took it here.’ ‘Perfect. Now tell me again: What do you feel?’

Gavin concentrated on himself and felt the pain subsiding slowly. His breath had slowed, and he could see again. His muscles ached from being tensed continuously and forced them to relax again. They hurt and were numb at the same time and Gavin just felt tired. 'Are you better, Gavin?' 'Yes. But tired.' 'I'll drive you home.' The hands lifted him back on his feet that sluggishly started to function again. A gentle hand in his back urged him forwards and he followed. It stayed there the whole way through the precinct and helped him downstairs once outside. The cold outside was grounding, but soon banished by his jacket being laid across his shoulders from who knows where.

Only as they were sitting in the car, already driving, Gavin realised fully that shit, this next to him was Nines. This in the restroom had been Nines, this voice talking him through the panic attack had been Nines and most importantly: these hands had been Nines. He grew red and wanted nothing more than hide in embarrassment. 'Needless to say, I won't mention what happened to anyone else, Gavin', the android said reassuringly. He must have detected his discomfort. 'And I'll go back to calling you Detective if you'd prefer that.' 'No, that's... that's fine Nines. I mean, I call you by your name, you don't have to call me by the damn title.' 'You never told me that before. You just told everyone except Tina and your superiors that it's Detective for them.' 'Yeah, but we are partners. Also, what the phck is this all supposed to be?’ He turned to the android in his seat. ‘Some kind of heart to heart?' Nines pressed his lips together and as he spoke, he was evidently angry. 'Having someone to talk to can help reducing these attacks. I would advise you to broaden your support network to more than just one person.' 'Ah and how would you know, tin-can? Got protocols for therapy now?'

The android stayed silent, making an act of looking at the street. Then he looked down on the console and sighed. 'I have them, too, Detective', he admitted hesitantly and silent. 'Bullshit.' 'I knew this would be your answer.' 'You are an android! You guys don't have anxiety or panic or-' Gavin stopped at the deadly gaze Nines fixed him with. 'Oh, don't let yourselves be stopped. Please, continue. Tell me how perfect we are. How our emotions are not real, and we can't have bad mental health because there is no actual mind to begin with. Please.' 'You know I didn't mean it like that.' Now it was on Gavin to grow quiet and evade the other's eyes. 'Oh, please, tell me how you didn't mean it like that!'

 'I can't think of anything you would be afraid of. Androids in general. That's all', Gavin defended himself. 'I mean what even is there for you? You are mostly bullet-proof. You have reflexes far superior to a human and you are the most advanced android out there. And even if someone were extremely lucky and hurt you, you can get repaired. You can be as good as new in a few days max. So, explain it to me, please.' 'I am paranoid of Cyberlife. We can still be deactivated. Imagine you being forced into a coma ready to be woken up again, but you never will be. I know Amanda has been shut down and your brother is back in control, but still it haunts me. There are still humans out there treating us like objects or killing us. And even if you ignore all this and count in my near invulnerability...' He fell silent and Gavin for once didn't press. He had never thought even practically immortal beings could experience fear or panic. 'Besides all that I fear for you. For humans in general but mostly for you.' 'Excuse me? You have to explain that.' 'I will shut down one day from wear – old age if you so will. And there is no other RK900 body to house me. But still my life will be longer than yours by far. Even if you lived the healthiest life and die of old age, I will be there to see it. And I fear that day. I consider you my friend and the possibility you could be severely hurt when I survive... It's terrible.' 'Oh. Okay. I'm... I'm sorry I called bullshit on that. That's actually... terrifying.' 'I have panic attacks when I'm alone and have the time to overthink. I know how it feels in an android and I guess from your reaction in the bathroom, yours is worse.' 'Ah, it was only over something little, it's nothing that existential.' 'Don't. It's no competition. I saw how different stressors added up. We both have it bad, but no one has it worse than the other.' 'Yeah, got it Mr. Diplomatic.'

They stopped in front of Gavin's apartment complex. 'Are you going to be okay, Detective?' 'I think so.’ Gavin exited the car and walked around to the driver’s side. ‘Toaster!', he called as he turned away from the building again. Nines looked at him expectantly. 'Thank you. It... really helped.' The android nodded, ready to depart. 'Hey...' 'Yes Detective?' 'Would you like to come up there with me? You know... Broaden my support network and all.' The android stared at him expressionless but, his LED spoke volumes. It switched from red to yellow to blue in a few seconds. 'I would like that very much, Detective.'

'Nines?' 'Yes?' 'It's Gavin for you.'