#In the end it became a way to celebrate a follower milestone *and* this blog's 3 month anniversary

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Horse Yaoi trotted so Horsegirl Yuri could fly.

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 17/05/2024

Athletic Doctor

Season 1 Featured on: GilvaSunner's Highest Quality Video Game Rips: Volume 1 Also on: SiIvaGunner: Starter Kit & Essentials

Ripped by Psynwav

ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL!!

I haven't slept in so long...I forgot what dreams were like.

Honestly - what better way could there be for me to celebrate the 365th main post on the blog, than to be fashionably late by a whole weekend? It's unfortunate, but...oddly befitting, really. Back when I was first starting out with the blog, I actually forgot about posting daily for a solid two weeks - and so, some old-ass posts like Chillin’ Like A Villain and (YTPMV) Bob​-​Omb Battlesources were made in quite a hurry retroactively. Nevertheless, it was on May 17th 2023, over on my main blog @melblur, that I suddenly decided that I wanted to write about one SiIvaGunner rip a day just for fun. After File Select Fusion Collab, I realized that it made more sense just to put these on their own blog, and with Snowball Park - Super Mario 3D World I moved everything onto here. It's all been a bit of a bumpy ride, is my point. But today, I've reached the big milestone that I was originally aiming for all the way back with Running Through Cookie Country - a year's worth of almost-always-daily posts on the weird and wonderful world of SiIvaGunner. And what better rip to discuss alongside this milestone than the channel's biggest hit, the milestone rip to stand above all others: Season 1's Athletic Doctor.

Now, I've been following SiIvaGunner since some of the earliest moments of Season 1, following along with the initial GiIvaSunner termination, the entire Reboot saga discussed in I Saw a Brainwasher Today, the Mashup Crusaders arc of Mr. Rental [B Side] ~ Out of Options, the channel ending of Epic Flintstones... Basically, I was there for just about the entire initial 9-month run, and have with but one Season's worth of an exception (Season 5) been following the channel damn near obsessively since. The point is that, through this, I have been able to follow the channel's most popular videos chart up and down with each passing month: I recall, for instance, how Nintendo GameCube Startup - Console/BIOS Music soared past all other rips back in the day and stayed on top for five month's time. That was, of course, before finally being surpassed by we are number one but with outdated memes over it and subsequently helping kickstart the entire We Are Number One meme trend (funny enough - you can actually find a youtube comment left by me on the rip in late December 2016/early 2017 expressing mild annoyance over the rip's popularity...). Athletic Doctor in comparison was of course always popular, but it took a while to truly climb its way up there - it was in the top ten, then top five, always rising, bubbling in the background. Eventually, starting with Season 3's premiere, the team decided to just make the rip the trailer for the channel for new viewers - where it still sits today, now as the far-and-away most popular rip on the channel.

I feel like the reason the rip became used as the defacto channel trailer, the reason it keeps being referenced in videos demonstrating what SiIvaGunner is all about, is pretty obvious. I've talked a lot in posts like Live and Ooooooooooooooh about how outright *effective* many of Season 1's rips were, and Athletic Doctor is the most prime example of that imaginable - it is a damn near pitch perfect joke executed shockingly well for the time of its upload in the channel's history. EVERYONE knows the music to Super Mario World, either through its usage in the game itself in the 90s, its appearances in games like Super Smash Bros. Melee in the 2000s and Super Mario Galaxy 2 in the 2010s - or just through sheer overexposure to it in just about any era of gaming YouTube. The game's soundtrack is the perfect blend of being immediately recognizable and incredibly easy to hum along to given the entire game basically only has three or so melodies, relying on its central leitmotif to a degree bordering on parody. Likewise as well, EVERYBODY knows Witch Doctor, either through excessive radio play, being a big hit with Alvin & the Chipmunks...or the 2007 Live Action Alvin & the Chipmunks movie that I myself grew up with, it's the kind of vaguely obnoxious (also arguably quite racist) nonsense novelty music that's incredibly appealing to young kids, the same way something like Crazy Frog or its ilk was in the 2000s as well.

Put simply, Athletic Doctor was a match made in heaven - and the joke is pulled off so expertly that it feels redundant to put into words. The Athletic Theme intro is iconic enough to where you're led into a false sense of security right off the bat, the melody swap is subtle enough as to not immediately be noticeable, making the moment you notice it even more noteworthy - only for the track's second loop to become a full-on mashup with the Witch Doctor track. Absolutely perfect escalation, just the right amount of buildup - but most importantly, it ends up actually sounding really good! The joke's great to be sure, very much like Live and Ooooooooooooooh - but I feel like the core reason why Athletic Doctor has continued to endure for so long on the channel, why it keeps getting remixed and referenced and paid tribute to on so many instances, is because it's just a genuinely good listen once the joke sets in. In other words, it is the purest distillation of SiIvaGunner's appeal - a joke so simple, yet pulled off with a magical appeal that remains even all these years later.

Through running this blog, it's that very specific appeal that I've wanted to try and encapsulate with the rips I cover, with what I write about them, to uncover that elusive magic of this dumb shitpost channel. Joel's big Grand Dad reaction that kicked the channel off is a good bit, to be sure, but its not a bit that could've lasted eight years and counting: In its earliest days, its easy to see how the channel could've just become naught but a novelty and fallen off the face off the earth once interest in it died. Yet through each year of the channel's life, with every Season that passes, it's evolved and adapted. Be it the spontaneous chaos of Season 1, the building storyline of Season 2, the mystery and nostalgia of Season 3, the sheer talent on display in the King for Another Day Tournament in Season 4 Episode 1 and the sheer joy of celebration found in Season 4 Episode 2, the whimsical experimentation of Season 5, the sudden introspection and moodiness of Season 6, the pure adoration and love for everything the channel stands for in Season 7, and the ongoing pure silliness of Season 8 - each period of this channel feels as if it's growing in a new direction, never content sitting in one place for too long - and yet the appeal of a rip like Athletic Doctor remains oh so core to the entire SiIvaGunner experience. The experience of which I've made my best effort to cover across all 365 posts on this blog. To show everyone the layers in which this channel goes in.

That's what I've been wanting to show you... but now, before I end this post, I want to briefly talk about what you've shown *me*. I know its a cliché thing to say, but really - it warms my heart EVERY time I receive messages about the blog. This all began as just a way for me to practice my writing ability, but suddenly I was having the actual rippers - the names that I'd admire from my MP3 player but hardly ever considered able to actually interact with - messaging me in private to express how happy my posts made them...not to mention the people in SiIvaCord discussing rips with me, digging into my writing, sharing anecdotes I'd never heard of, and everyone who requested rips genuinely eager to see what I had to write about them...like, again, its the biggest cliché on the planet, and I know this blog really isn't all *that* big in the grand scheme of things - but I never expected to even get more than five people actually engaging with what I post? To everyone, and ESPECIALLY to the silent majority reading my posts without a Tumblr account, the ones engaging from a distance - thank you SO much for validating all that I've done on here.

Now, there's still plenty of posts I have left in me, plenty of ones already in the drafts and unfulfilled requests well in the dozens. But like...tons has happened since when this all started 12 months ago. I got a summer job! I'm wrapping up what's hopefully my final three school courses! I've started listening to so much new music, expanding my music tastes, in huge part thanks to all the digging this blog has made me do! And, of course, getting to be this open about what's likely my absolute weirdest special interest has honestly made me feel more confident in myself as a person, made me a more outgoing individual in general. And so, to get all of my ducks in a row, to help straighten things out for a bit...I'm going to take a break from regular posting on here. I'm aiming for it to be no longer than a month's time - again, I have much I still wish to write about!! - but you'll of course still see me reblogging fanart and other such things on here just from using Tumblr casually. And hey - if you haven't already, I recommend you take the time to go scavenging through The Archive for daily posts that you might have missed! Having a blog with so much writing on it, so many posts, so much to discover for readers old and new...In a way, I've basically made it so that navigating the blog feels just like navigating the vast seas of the SiIvaGunner channel itself. And isn't that just the most fitting way to leave it all on - an ocean of posts, waiting for you to uncover them?

THAT SIIVAGUNNER TUMBLR BLOG WILL RETURN IN SEASON 2

[usedpidemo]

Update - 2nd year anniversary! (plus a reflection, and future plans).

Hi everyone! π here.

Today, May 13th, is the day I officially opened up this blog and began writing degenerate and immoral stories! 2 fucking years have passed, how time flies. So much can change in a year, and so do some of the stats!

First work: Sandwich - Red Velvet Wendy (published 05/13/21, 4:03 a.m.)

Highest note count: Awards after-party affair - Itzy Yuna (published 10/23/22, 1167 notes)

Number of works published: 80 fics (1 fic every 9.1 days)

500 followers: June 18, 2021 (36 days or 1 month, 5 days)

1,000 followers: October 12, 2021 (152 days or 4 months, 30 days)

2,000 followers: June 18, 2022 (401 days or 1 year, 1 month, and 5 days)

3,000 followers: November 12, 2022 (548 days or 1 year, 5 months, and 30 days)

Follower count: 3,953 followers (5.4 followers a day)

I wish I had something awesome lined up to celebrate this milestone, but I don't have anything prepared XD I've been busy and lazy at the same time. (Is that even possible?)

Actually, yeah, I do have a whole week's worth of cool things lined up this week! If I can even follow through with this one...

Monday: AMA

Tuesday: Reader Poll

Wednesday: ???

Thursday: ???

Friday: ???

I don't want to make the fun section of the update elaborately long, so I just want to say thank you so much to everyone for the support! Even though I'm not as active or as productive as I used to be, your eagerness never wavered, and you guys enjoy me talking about random shit on the side, whether it be song lyrics, Pokémon, or literally posts without any context to them. I love you guys. Here's to another year 🧡

Everything else from this point is a brief reflection and introspection of what I've been feeling since then. You can ignore this if you wish to do so.

So today marks the second anniversary since I opened up this Tumblr and became a degenerate writer. The work I've been putting up is getting worse—in a sexual and filthy way, not objectively—and my mental health has been getter much, much better! When I made the same anniversary post around this time a year ago, I was at an all-time low, mentally speaking. I really felt like I had not much left to give at that point, my skill has stagnated, and I thought there wasn't much for me to improve on. If you asked me if I had any future plans for this blog, I'd say I'd be done by the end of 2022, if not sooner.

It's now 2023, and I believe I'm as good as I can be right now. Slumps happen for a reason, and you can't always win, but it's how you bounce back from the lowest of lows that you reach highest of highs. And I believe I can still get better.

Genuinely, not to sound arrogant, because Lord knows I'm not the best fanfic writer—fuck no—I'm not anywhere close, even in a theoretical top 1000 list, but I do think some of my finest work have come up in my most recent fics. I don't know, it feels more polished and there was more effort and deliberation put into it. The numbers don't lie, either; every single work I published since May 2022 has over 400+ notes, and I've even passed the 1000+ note barrier twice! It goes to show that you guys are enjoying what I'm putting out as much as I love making them, slow and difficult it may be. I can fondly smile at last year's additions to my masterlist and say, "I can't believe I did that."

I do want to apologize if my output rate has drastically slowed down, and if I'm not as active as I was before. It's unfortunately part of the sacrifice needed for better quality control, and also because I have more personal commitments to attend to. 2023 has been fantastic for me so far in almost every department, except maybe physically—I could use more exercise—but that can be worked upon.

I do believe I'm on borrowed time. Again, look at the gap between fics over the past six months ago, and it's only going to widen once I enter my third year of college. I also have to begin considering what hobbies and other things I should do to occupy my free time, so I can be more productive as a person. This isn't to say I'm definitely quitting, but I expect more responsibilities to be shouldered onto me in the future, and having time for myself is going to be pretty much a birthday gift with how rare it might be given, and I'd prefer spending my time off recharging and relaxing instead of stressing over inconsequential or 'fun' things.

There's a lot of people I want to thank specifically, because while I was struggling with my own personal battles, they've been encouraging me to continue fighting and have been absolute lads—and lasses—throughout the past year. When I needed someone to talk to that wasn't my therapist, they were there, and I took solace in their comfort and companionship. I can't tag you guys, but if you're reading this—Chunk, Raf, Peach, Aaron, Sol, V1n, Iz, Ddeun, C.o, Kaede, Frisky, Smite, Shaun, Sins, Jett, Eros, Prael, Ken, Cray, CJ, Sooya, Gray, Svn—I sincerely thank you. God bless each and every single one of you. And to Tim, I really hope you can see this, but I'm truly, truly sorry. I hope we can find a way to bury that fracture in our relationship in the past, and we can reconcile. If not, then I just want closure and peace for the both of us.

So in closing, I want to thank you so much for sticking with me through the bad times and prospering with me through the good, and I'm always humbled that you've taken a chance on me when I started, when I was a hopeful newbie, two years ago. Now here we are. I appreciate every single one of you, be it a fellow writer, a reader, or a lurker.

With grace,

Peter / π

[everything-laito]

LAITO APPRECIATION WEEK (May 15th-May 21st) 2022 OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Hi guys!! Another year, another week dedicated to Laito!!

If you don’t know me, I’m Corn! I’m typically known for my Laito analyses in the fandom, but last year I hosted a Laito appreciation week! So I’m gonna make this a yearly thing :)

Yes, I know Laito’s birthday is in March, but I’m a full time college student with a part time job so its really hard for me to be consistent during the semester. But I’m free from this semester as of last week, and ironically it’s around the second year anniversary of this blog (May 16th)! I’ll be hitting the 1000 follower milestone (holy shit wtf) this summer so what better way to give back to this community more and celebrate than to host another appreciation week?? 

This year, I am co-hosting with my lovely friend @novampirebrainrot (Deia) who is an absolutely amazing artist, and we became friends last year through the previous Laito appreciation week! So I thought it was fitting :) Send her some love as well, she’s just such a cool person!

ANYWAYS! Laito Appreciation Week will start on Sunday, May 15th, and will end on Saturday, May 22nd. Please feel free to reblog and spread the message! I hope this will be as fun as last year’s! 

To prepare everyone for the themes, I am releasing them right now! Posts can be drawings, creative prose, quotes, your own words, moodboards, etc! Go ham! Have fun! Be creative! (or shitposty! I always love a good meme!)

THEMES AND RULES UNDER THE CUT

Themes (kind of) and rules subject to change but I will let you know if they do :)

--------------------------------------THEMES--------------------------------------

Day 1: Sunday, May 15th (same as last year just as a warmup!):

Five things you like about Laito (and why?) If you want to do anything creative about it, feel free to do so! If you participated in this last year, what are some five other things you like about him? Or if you want to share what you wrote/made last year that’s completely fine too!

Day 2: Monday, May 16th

Which Laito moment made you feel O////O the most? (like embarrassed or shocked or surprised the most)? And why (if you want to say)? We know there’s at least one Laito moment like that for everyone

Day 3: Tuesday, May 17th

Which Laito moment made you feel angry at him the most (CD, game, anime, etc) and why?

Day 4: Wednesday, May 18th (same as last year! We both love Laito art)

Reblog or link your favorite art of Laito (don’t repost fan art unless if you have permission!)! Or if you would like to share your own art, please share! This can be official art or fan art. If you reblog make sure to tag us directly because it doesn’t show up in the tag if you reblog it :) (however you should still reblog/link it to show support for the artist!!)

Art can also include moodboards/playlists/etc if you so wish! (or all of the above)! Anything that’s a creative representation of Laito aside from fanfiction because that’s a different day :)

Day 5: Thursday, May 19th

Reblog and or link your favorite Laito fanfiction (don’t repost unless if you have permission!)! Or if you would like to share your own fan fiction as well, please share! OR if you want to do anything creative inspired by that fanfiction please feel free to do so and share (like art inspired by it or a moodboard etc)! 

Same with Day 4, if you are reblogging a post for the submission, please tag us directly so we can find it! Since reblogs don’t come up in the tag :)

Day 6: Friday, May 20th

Back on the emotional train again! What’s your favorite emotional scene of Laito? And why? 

Day 7: Saturday, May 21st

To end everything off, what’s some headcanons you have of Laito?? Crack headcanons, serious ones, etc are all allowed! Hope you had fun with all of this!!!

----------------------------------------RULES--------------------------------------

Tag your posts with #Laito Appreciation Week 2022 ! (If you want to include the day, make it a separate tag, but at least use #Laito Appreciation Week 2021 so we can find you!) Or you can tag me or @novampirebrainrot directly!!! We both want to see your posts!!!

If your post is NSFW, please tag accordingly!

Late posts are definitely ok! Feel free to get a head start on anything though, just make sure to post it during the week!

Questions? Feel free to ask me or @novampirebrainrot :)

Rules (and themes in case if it happens) are subject to be added to until May 14th, just in case something comes up that we need to address, I just wanted to give you guys a heads up!

I had so much fun with this event last year, so I can’t wait to host it again!!! We can’t wait to see all of your posts and participate in this event ourselves! (I might even stream on those days too we’ll see B) I’ll let you guys know on this blog )

Have fun, go ham! I’m so so excited for this!!!

[agustdiv1ne]

thank you + milestone!!

damn, never thought we'd get here, did we?

in all honesty, it's been a pretty shit year. march 'til now has felt like the same month on repeat with tiny tweaks to make it all so much worse. but i'm not here to complain about the worst parts of this year, i'm here to celebrate the best ones.

this was the year that i finally started writing, that i was finally spurred to open a google doc and just type away until a tiny work of fiction stared back at me. my first one was 1k words, a rant to get all of my emotions off of my chest with an idol as my muse. it felt...great, though it also felt a bit odd writing after being an avid reader for years. i always did prefer essays to creative writing, but this year definitely changed that perspective.

i wrote that first blurb along with another fic in late july, and in early august, i asked my friends if i should post them. om august 3rd, i changed this blog from a fic rec to a fic writing blog just like that. i regret none of it.

it's been nearly five months since i revamped this blog and i couldn't be more grateful for the support i have gotten from all of you, whether it be a kind comment, a like, a reblog, all of it. i never thought anyone would like my content, but i've been proven severely wrong by this community. from my irls that are on here, to my lovely mutuals and followers, to those i've talked to a lil bit on this hellsite, to the writers whose fics i absolutely adore, to those who have left a like or a comment on one of my fics, i want to say thank you from the very bottom of my heart ♡

have a happy and healthy new year! i love and appreciate every single one of you!!

though i'm painfully bad at writing letters and getting all sappy, i wanted to write them anyways hahaha let's goooo

to @hwaddict:

my irl best friend!! my partner in crime!!!! i love you sm carly, and there are not enough words in this world for me to describe the extent of my love. you have been there for me during my lowest moments, you've seen me cry, and i don't cry in front of many ppl. i trust you with my life and i'm so glad that we became friends back in middle school bc you are one reasons that spur me to keep going. i can't wait to see where life takes us and know that while i might not always be able to be there physically (especially with college right around the corner), i will always be there for you in any way i can be. again i love you and i can't wait to conquer next year with you ♡♡

to @hopejanaee:

hope!! hobi!!! one of my irls! though we just became friends earlier this year, it feels like we've been friends for ages. it's crazy how close we grew so quickly but i am so grateful to have you in my life. you never fail to make me laugh whenever we're together and you're so chaotic but in such a good way hahaha. you were the one who got me into writing with your own wonderful fics so thank yoi for that. i'm so happy that we became friends because you're so kind and caring and ahhhhhh i love u sm ♡

to @oikawasmilkbread:

we talked for like 0.2 seconds but you are so kind and hella cool!! it was nice having random conversations with you and i'm so glad you randomly dmed me bc i am shy and i have 0 idea how to start conversations with anyone lmao. i always smile when i see you in my notifs! i hope you have a happy new year!!! ♡

to @luthenia:

i know you're on hiatus but seeing you in my notifs always excites me hahaha. we never talk but you are so supportive of everyone in this community and i just wanted to shout you out for that! your memes are top tier LMAO and i can't wait for when you come back, happy new year ♡

to @starsforten:

we also talked for approximately 1 second but it was so fun talking to you about astrology stuff (virgo sun libra rising gang hahahaha) and those teuta matoshi dresses! you are so nice and easy to talk to and i hope your new year is happy and fruitful! ♡

i recommend every single one of these blogs for their amazing content!! i added some of my favorite fics as i'm a whore for great writing hahaaaa

@kinktae

waterloo — a masterpiece! taehyung is so bitter at the beginning and it's adorable seeing how y/n breaks his tough shell. loved this from beginning to the end ♡

hot rod — the 50s slang, the dynamic between hoseok and y/n...*chef's kiss*

@untaemedqueen

welcome to seoul land — werewolf!namjoon really got me going, 100/10 would recommend

graceful gods — this is one of my all-time favorites, greek god!jungkook has my brain going brrrr

@shadowsremedy + @therealmintedmango

support system — adorable!! this is a hybrid!yoongi fic i really enjoy, and the series isn't over yet! check it out~

@bratkook

tear you apart — demon!taehyung...holy shit. i was speechless

@tatertotthethot

the doms next door — THIS SERIES OMG, i've read each part at least five times already. taekook got me acting UP

scream (posted to @yandere-society) — a really cool take on the movie scream with jungkook, yandere fics don't always appeal to me but this one absolutely did

@ateezmakemeweep

broken — the immense ache i felt in my chest while reading this, but i loved both parts with a burning passion. san is so sweet in this :')

@atinybrew

dirty free for all — the ULTIMATE demon!san fic. the writing is absolutely immaculate and this is the first fic that had me blushing down my mf ARMS

rice milk lattes and bryophytes roads — another san fic admittedly because i'm whipped for san lol. anyways, this was cute and hot at the same time and best friend!yunho made my double biasing ass that much happier

@seacottons

pan — an adorable peter pan!hongjoong fic, it had my heart going achhfhsjfjsjf

sir kiss me — circus au with san holy hell i loved every twist and turn of this

@actuallythatwaspromise

bad romance — one of my favorite yunho fics ever, punk rock!yunho x nerd!reader has my entire heart

aurora garden center and desire ink — florist!mingi had me uwuing for the entire fic, this was adorable and i loved it sm

@yeonjuncore

every single fic on this blog is an absolute masterpiece, i swear

the devil's little angel — THIS IS ONE OF MY ULTIMATE FAVORITES, demon!yeonjun had me screaming and it was just so fun to read and i loved every single second of it so much that i've read it nearly ten times now. so go read it, you won't regret it!

the boy with the horns — another of my ultimate favorites (i told you, their writing is just that amazing), woodland fey!soobin just had me going so soft :(( i literally sobbed at one point, that's how invested i was

bleeding heart — the tension between vampire!yeonjun and vampire slayer!reader had me screeching

curtain call — i have a sad crush vampire!soobin

i love you, always — this felt so..bittersweet? taehyun loves y/n so much, i lowkey cried while reading this

@angelfic

the art of (mis)communication — i am a whore for both reconciliation and yeonjun, 100000/10 pls read this i beg of you

@angelictaehyun

growing pains — ahhh once again a yeonjun fic, my chest hurt a lil bit at some points but it was so sweet!!

@neovisioned

bed of spiderwebs — spiderman!mark has my heart screeching, i loved every second of it ♡

eddie ate dynamite — johnny suh coming for my throat yet again

cupid victorious — cupid!jaehyun :'))) definitely one of my favorites!!

@domjaehyun

quarantine chronicles — ok if you haven't read this or the part two yet then you're missing out big time!! the tension, the buildup, every single part of this fic was just *chef's kiss* but multiply thay by a million

all these years — every single moment of this felt so nostalgic and the ending was so sweet :')

@caiuscassiuss

muse — i keep going back to this one constantly, the angst in this phenomenal and i love artist!taeyong sm here

@neoct-zen

loverboy — HOT, AMAZING, I SCREAMED. the blurbs that accompany this are also top-tier i recommend reading each and every one!!

@moondustis

pink + white — i'm so soft for mark i stg, this was the cutest thing ever

@loviejaehyun

can't avoid this feeling — hockey player!mark is the best thing ever

all tied up — i just- screamed as i read this bc professor!jaehyun is too hot goodbye

@hopejanaee

incapable — this is one of the best yoongi fics i've ever read ngl, it's not completed quite yet but the parts that have been posted are top tier!!

breathless — THIS. I LOVED THIS. yuta is just so hfjshhfhshfnsn and i love this sm

@hwaddict

melting point — big boy mingiiii, 100/10 would recommend

@okayau

house next to mine — frat boy!yeonjun rly got me going, cute and hot at the same time ahhhhbfnsnnf

youth — ADORABLE, yeonjun's confession is peak i love it here

run away — how many yeonjun fics can i fit in this post? (answer: a lot) definitely one of my favorite harry potter aus!! it was awesome seeing how their relationship changed throughout the years and perhaps i teared up a little at the end :'))

@starrychannies

baby steps — ONE OF ALL-TIME MY FAVORITE FICS ON THIS SITE, every single part is so well-written and ahhhhhfhdhhf chan makes me feel some type of way

my stupid — another yeonjun fic! angsty but v cute at the end :')

@baekhvuns

this youth of craziness — 40k words of pure gold, this fic is absolutely one of my favorite san fics ever!!

replacement — prince!ten makes my brain go brrrr, i love how the y/n just speaks her mind here

@masterninjacow

untitled project — i saw soulmate au with mark and i knew would already love it, and i did! pizza boy!mark at that, amazing and i adored it

more amazing blogs!!: @galaxteez, @poutybinz, @lustjoong, @bloominghigh

these are just a few of the fics and blogs i found this year, find more on my fic rec blog @agustdiv1ne-recs!! (my thumbs are starting to hurt i'm so sorry bfjshfhsh)

wrapping up each month since august since that's when i actually started posting LMAO

☆ august

03: good enough — chan

03: bloodsucker — seonghwa

04: cutie — san

09: veloxrotaphobia — mingi

19: want — changbin

21: numb — yunho

100 follower special — i reached 100 followers towards the end of august, my first ever milestone :') also my first ever time taking requests, 'twas very fun ♡

☆ september

03: on camera — jungkook

☆ october

27: oh, worm? — namjoon

31: demon days — san

☆ november

10: a letter to my love — xiaojun

23: bad for u — jaehyun

27: home sweet home — yeonjun

☆ december

christmas bash 2020 — my brain went hey what if you did this- and i listened so here's 17 holiday fics hahahaa (not all of them are out yet but i'm working on it!!)

things i plan to release in 2021!!

☆ sunflower — jimin

☆ cross — yeonjun

☆ landslide — seonghwa

☆ nice save — san

☆ red — hyunjin

☆ a secret series (that will be revealed once i plan everything) — ateez

☆ 4 unrelated secret fics oOoOoo — will i reveal them? you'll just have to wait and see ;)

there will definitely be more posted! these are the ones that are going to be my priority at first, but my imagination is always churning so expect a lot more :)) check out all of non-secret wips here!

i hit 500 followers a couple days ago! i nearly screamed when i saw that LMAO. thank you so much for liking my content because i work hella hard on it :') sometimes i feel like i don't deserve y'all really, but @hwaddict will yell at me if i say that so ig i take it back hfhshhdhg

a post for celebrating this milestone will come as soon as i finish up the rest of my christmas fics!! sorry that i'm so slow :( (hint: my requests will be open, so look out for it!)

so yeah!! that's it, sorry for the painfully long post (i'm sorry to my thumbs for typing this whole thing out </3). thank you to everyone who read this far!! i hope everyone has a happy and healthy new year, and in the words of txt's cover, fuck 2020. may 2021 be a much better year for all of us!!!

much love,

ashlee ♡

[hollenka99]

2020, According To My Tumblr Archive

January

Like many, freaked out about the Dhawan!Master reveal

Unus Annus reached 2 million subs

Ethan finally saw his sub count reach 1 million

Reblogged the elf pussy post with a version of the elf practice meme and now every time I see that meme, I think of that post

Finally made my Dyspraxic!Chase post

Fleshed out Creator!Jackie a little in terms of Nyesha (his girlfriend) and his prosthetics

February

Got really into Take Me or Leave Me for a short while which led to me watching RENT for the first time

Finally made that follow up to A Talk With The Creator I’d been meaning to write for months (aka A Day Long Overdue)

Started posting Unus Annus trigger warnings for a few weeks after the video where they demonstrate how they’d kill each other as a joke

Reached the 100 follower milestone after nearly 4 years on this site

Got very into WTNV again and binged like 60+ episodes in the space of 2 or so weeks

March

Watched Starkid’s Black Friday

Posted The Doctor on the anniversary of The Friend’s posting

Made some posts about the women of TLoJJ for International Women’s Day

Bupine received an anon ask teasing her about a typo which is common in our friendship group. Usual suspects were accused until the true culprit revealed themself via an acrostic (aka me being extra and I loved every second of it)

Went to the cat cafe in Nottingham

Made sure people were aware of World Puppetry Day by sending anon asks to people I thought might get a kick out of it

Posted Fighting Stolen Breaths

Steven Universe Future ended

Having been in the beginning stages of creation since ~Oct 2019, Jumbled AU content starts appearing

April

Spent the 1st doing an ask event for the Jumbled AU as a way of properly introducing it

Confused a bunch of people outside the Jacksepticeye community when I made a post saying how great it was that $400k had been raised in 2.5 hours during the HopeFromHome stream

Posted The Vlogger for Chase’s birthday

Got hyped to write a Śmigus Dyngus fic featuring Jumbled!Chase and his kids but got sick (regular illness, don’t worry) and therefore never finished it

Norbert Moses existed for 24 hours but he will exist much longer in our hearts

Managed to stay up to see 4:20am on April 20th

Posted the prologue and officially began the story of Jumbled

Watched Ghost for the first time

May

Fanders finally got the continuation of Selfishness vs Selflessness (Putting Others First aka SvS Redux) and learned Deceit’s name

Started talking about The Fall of Naesia

Pretty sure I hyperfixated on Queen for a week or so

Got introduced to ‘Storp Chorleigh, this game has gorn on lawng enuff’ and my life has significantly improved

CumGate happened

Got into ATLA

Black Lives Matter

Created the ‘it’s gonna be gay’ post that would destroy my inbox for the next few days

Had my first experience behind a wheel

June

Posted Flag, the response to which has made me proud of it

Poland scares and disappoints me part 1 (queer rights edition)

Sean posts another blooper video which causes me to make edits that subsequently inspire me to write Little Interruptions

Created an entire mythology purely because I thought a winged humanoid/merperson pairing was a cool concept

Reminded my friends why I should never be allowed to stay up until 4am because I just start talking nonsense

July

Finally watched An Inspector Calls and immediately wanted to make a Sanders Sides au with it.

Started talking about Creator again

Had another ask event to celebrate Jackie’s birthday

Also posted Photographs for his birthday which I love

Reached 150 followers around the middle of this month, I think

Discovered Kipo but wouldn’t fall for it head over heels with it for another month

One Direction celebrated their 10th anniversary and I was possessed by my 15 year old self for a week

Posted The Mediary which properly brought Creator AU back to my blog for a short while

August

Eddsworld came back after years

Posted The Creator and officially completed the main part of the au

Poland scares and disappoints me part 2 (queer rights edition continued)

Finally revealed Jumbled Anti’s identity to the world and got threatened on my birthday because of it

Discovered the Unus Annus video I’d been waiting all year for would be centered around them chewing on dog toys but it did feature “I’m the Unus to your Annus” so that was cool

Binged the first 2 seasons of Kipo in like a day and correctly predicted the Mega Monkey’s identity ages with very little foreshadowing to go off of

September

Started showing my love for Puppet History

Among Us was a thing

Got back into Playchoices

BBC Ghosts came back for series 2

Watched Pride twice in 24 hours and made sure everyone knew I’m heart eyes for it

October

Trump got sick

Family friend took one of my teeth

The world was blessed with Patton in a dress

Replayed Septiscape ahead of Soulscape’s release and liveblogged it

C!Thomas got a love interest and I’m really happy for him

Kipo season 3 came out

Literally the next day, the Dream SMP brainrot officially began

Discovered Thanzag existed and fell for the angsty side of their relationship despite knowing barely anything about the game

Poland scares and disappoints me part 3 (abortion edition)

Started bingeing The Magnus Archives and got through 150 episodes in about 2 weeks

Halloween was an eventful night for both the Jacksepticeye and Unus Annus communities

November 

Unus Annus began its epilogue period

Watched V For Vendetta for the first time which was probably the least eventful thing to happen on the night of November 5th 2020

Destiel became somewhat canon and people found out Putin was thinking of resigning because of that

US elections

Unus Annus died following a 12 hour livestream

Somehow, my mad attempt to summarise every video of Unus Annus kinda paid off

Supernatural trended again because of its finale

Went through a period of questioning whether I’m asexual but settled on ‘sex ambivalent allosexual’ for now

Destiel became canon again but reciprocated and Spanish this time

Discovered Webtoon and Castle Swimmer

December

The monolith saga began

Elliot Page came out as trans

Mark went to hospital for an obstruction again and the community became very invested in his recovery process

Scotch eggs with your drinks became a brief meme over here in Britain

Your New Boyfriend was released

Destiel’s canon status was brought back to the spotlight once more

Watched The Godfather for the first time

Reached 200 followers

We got somewhat of a Dan and Phil video after so long with Phil trying on clothes while Dan reacts behind the camera

BBC Ghosts came back for Christmas to say Tories suck and you should make the most of your time with your family

Got into Mother Mother after Wilbur played the intro to Hayloft and I decided to see what the fuss was about

Watched Bridgerton and immediately felt the need to write something historical

The Mishapocalypse returned

[xxmisty]

2009 to 2019

I see people everywhere talking about the decade gone by and making comparisons of 2009 to 2019; how things have changed in the last 10 years. Now i’m here to do the same, I find it impossible to express in words.

I don’t remember the last turn of the decade. I don’t remember 2009 into 2010, and that’s strange because I’ve always been one of those people who invested a lot of emotional connections into dates and milestones. I remember being overwhelmed with excitement about the change of decade from 1989 to 1990, and of course the millennium bullshit that we were subjected to for practically three years before the actual event. But I don’t remember 2009 into 2010.

There’s a reason for that. I was dead on the inside. Speaking as someone who was depressed from the age of 5 onwards, I had never been so unhappy and deeply depressed in every way. There were many, many reasons for that, too many to go into, but the turn of the year and the decade wasn’t something to celebrate. Then again, nothing really was.

But I went through the motions and spent my life pretending, just as I had done as far back as I could remember. And the first few years of the decade grew gradually worse and worse until I hit the lowest point at the start of November 2012. I’ve talked about that night multiple times; saved by the Homestuck notifier going off, throwing my faith into tumblr to keep me going. I held onto one thought: that if something as unimportant as a webcomic updating could still make me feel excitement then there was still something to hold onto. That maybe I wasn’t completely dead on the inside. 

Now i’m looking back and realising, that was right near the start of the decade. That was over seven years ago. Seven years?! 

Tumblr is responsible for pretty much everything, in some way or another. People have different experiences everywhere but my experience here has been life changing in only positive ways. I first joined when I got into homestuck. I loved watching the chaos unfold after every update and seeing what the community was saying. But the more I got into blogging here the more I learned about the world, and the more I learned about myself. 

Through tumblr I learned more about gender and sexuality than I probably would have ever encountered elsewhere. It was here that I started to finally look at the gender issues i’d been burying as far back as I could remember. It was here that I started to question whether I was asexual thanks to learning about the difference between sexual and romantic attraction. And it was thanks to tumblr that I had a word to explain the sudden awakening of my sex drive upon meeting the love of my life at the age of 33: demisexuality!

It was through tumblr that I learned to not only accept but to love my body. It was through tumblr that I stopped being ashamed of my fetish and to embrace and enjoy it instead. It was through tumblr that I made some amazing friends and fun mutuals. It was through tumblr that I became terrified of peanut butter after a certain traumatic morning!!!

But above and beyond everything, it was thanks to Tumblr that I met Lucy. And here, I run out of eloquence. Words can’t cover what she means to me. Words can’t express the love, the like, the lust, the friendship, the hilarity, the passion, the laughter, the intimacy, the closeness, the warmth, the way every single day I spend with her feels as though I’m finally where I belong. 

And it all started because I recalled a friend who used to bring marmite and lettuce sandwiches to college every day and posted about my distressing memory <3

I think, that November night, that was when I started applying the brakes to my old life. It took a while for them to slow things down... exactly 4 months, to be precise. I was treading water, struggling still, drowning, turning the ‘fake’ up to a hundred. I’d already spent a lifetime pretending. Pretending to be happy, to be normal, to be a straight, cis girl, to be what i was expected to be. I just had to turn that up a few notches. I poured my energy into tumblr, faked being happy and confident, pushed myself so far out of my comfort zone that I needed a map to get back to it. But luckily, with time, my comfort zone extended out to meet me halfway :)

3rd March 2013, the brakes finally pulled my old life to a halt. Three days later, the engine started and the journey towards a new one began, thanks to an ask about organising randoms ;)

The path to where I am now hasn’t been easy. Escaping years of abuse leaves lasting scars. But now i’m sitting at the end of a decade that changed everything and there’s something very important that I want to share.

It is never too late. Never. It doesn’t matter how many bad years are stacked up on one side of the scales, it is never too late to begin redressing the balance. Any day can be the day you decide to be true to yourself. Any day can be the day you embrace a part of yourself you've tried to keep hidden. Any day can be the day you escape. And, any day can be the day you meet someone who can change your life. A friend, a lover, a confidante, a colleague, a stranger, someone on the end of an anonymous message. Any day can be the day that everything can turn on its head and start again. You just need to make sure you’re still holding on when that day comes.

No life is perfect. It’s been a rough year with health, money and the boat flooding twice. But there’s a phrase that sums things up which I can’t help feeling i’ll eventually have placed beneath my skin with ink:

Even the very hardest of days now are a hundred times brighter than the very very best of days before.

There’s no comparison. 2019 wins, every time.

Thank you for being a part of this journey. Some of you i’ve followed on here from my very early days on tumblr, some of you i’ve only met in the last few months, but all of you help to make my dash a brighter place and put a smile on my face. Tumblr has its faults, but it’s the site that changed my life.

Goodbye 2019. Goodbye 2010s. 2020, be good to me. Be good to all of us. 

And a very, very happy new year everybody ♥️❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤

[adapembroke]

A Self-Indugent-ly-Long Post about Working with Odin

I celebrated two milestones over the weekend. The first is reaching 2500 followers on beamagical. (?! This blog is three and a half months old!) The second is the one year anniversary of officially becoming devoted to Odin. (He prefers to call it “coming under his protection.”) Considering this blog was his idea (Bea is a name he gave me), I wouldn’t be surprised if he tweaked some algorithm to make that followers milestone and the anniversary of our ritual happen on the same day.

I don’t talk about Odin here much. Mostly that’s because I haven’t talked much about spirit work in general. I used to include Odin in my description, but tumblr started recommending I follow certain hateful people, and when I took Odin’s name out of my description, the suggestions went back to nature aesthetics, fairies, and Tarot cards. I’m probably playing Russian roulette writing a post with Odin’s name in it fifty times, but gambling was sacred to the ancient Northern Europeans, so I guess this is a perversely appropriate way to celebrate.

The other reason I don’t talk about Odin much is that we have a very odd relationship. I don’t worship him. (I don’t worship anyone.) I don’t do offerings or sacrifices. I’m not a Reconstructionist or Heathen. I don’t do the wheel of the year, so I’m not even a very good Pagan. I very rarely drink alcohol, and I don’t consider myself to be a warrior of any kind--certainly not anything like a Viking. My mother’s mother’s people were probably either Norse or Anglo-Saxon at some point. (Their native county in England was part of the Danelaw.) But, before the Millennials in my family killed mainstream Christianity, her family had been Baptists for almost 400 years.  

How did he come into my life, then? Divination, of course, and, well, vanity. It was in May 2016. I was getting ready to go to a Tarot class and half-listening to my partner channeling his guide-at-the-time, who was encouraging me to get into the runes. His argument went roughly along the lines of: What kind of diviner are you if you don’t cast runes? 

I yes-yesed him and stepped away to look out the window and think about it. I was dubious about having anything to do with Odin. My only associations with him were Vikings, certain hateful people who claimed to follow him, and an essay by Galina Krasskova that made working with him sound really unappealing. 

As I thought, I felt an unmistakable presence loom up behind me, standing there as if I’d summoned him. 

Playing along seemed to be the wisest thing to do, so I said, “I know who I am, and I know who you are, and I thought you should know that.”

I still have no idea what that means.

“You’re kind of a bitch, aren’t you?” he said. 

And that was the end of our first conversation.

His presence stayed with me the rest of the day. The message was clear: If I wanted the runes, I would get Odin, too. In retrospect, I’m stunned by my decision, but my vanity beat out my objections, and I bought a set of runes. 

Later that afternoon, I set about to blood my runes. I had a friend who had failed to blood hers, and she was convinced she was cursed because of it. I had no intention of letting the same thing happen to me, so I took the first knife I could find and pressed it to my finger, and it wouldn’t pierce my skin. Granted, it was a crappy steak knife. (Like I said, I was really desperate to avoid that curse.) But it made me step back long enough to hear that he didn’t want me to make that sacrifice. He still doesn’t. It’s been almost three years now, and I haven’t given a drop of blood to a rune stone. Or to Odin.

This is the part of the story where I’m supposed to talk about how misunderstood Odin is. The truth is a lot more complicated. 

Frankly, he’s a pain in the ass. The first thing he did after I officially became devoted to him was take divination, what is probably my most marketable skill, and forbid me to accept money for readings. I know that he’s Doing Something, but it’s been a year, and he’s said nothing about it to me. By which I mean: My incessant questions haven’t worn him down.

I don’t think Odin will ever send me into battle (even if it would be hilarious to watch), but I have no doubt that he’s a God of War. With me, that comes out in being a hard teacher. He’s fond of setting me challenges that are exactly as much as I can handle and standing there with his arms crossed like a sergeant watching me sweat. He watches over me while I do readings, but his help usually takes the form of shouting, “The moon. Don’t forget the fucking moon!”  

But, in his way, he’s unbelievably kind. In my opinion, his reputation as a healer has been vastly understated. The first rune spells he taught me were healing ones. In the rare instances when I forget that alcohol isn’t my friend, and I wake up with a hangover, he talks me through putting together hangover remedies that never fail to make me feel better. And when I’m in a genuinely bad place--not just whining about something I don’t want to do--he gives comfort that really means something. 

I’m the last person I would expect to work with Odin. I can be so sunny people regularly think that I must actually be picking a fight with them. What interest could a God of War possibly have in someone like that? Well, now that I say that, maybe his reasons for bringing me under his protection make a bit of sense after all. 

[imperium-romanum]

Welcome to 2019, everyone!

I spent the last week and a half at my family’s shack, enjoying the company of close family and friends, and Kali the #ClassicsCat, of course! I’m excited about the fresh start the New Year brings. 2018 was a difficult year for me personally. I haven’t talked about it on the blog because I prefer to focus on positives but as I prepare to face this New Year head on, I would like to reflect on some of the major hurdles that I had to overcome in 2018.

In January, my partner and I were forced to get a restraint order against my neighbour of six and a half years who became aggressive and threatening due to severe (suspected) drug-induced paranoia. We moved in with my parents while we went through the process to have the temporary restraint order confirmed. The restraint order was confirmed in February – a win – but we were not able to return to our unit. The local council, after 11 years of my parents owning the property, decided that our unit was not a legal dwelling. Bureaucracy at its finest.

During March and April, we fought the council for an explanation and started to try and resolve the problem. It seemed we were much more willing to work with them than they were to work with us, though. Shortly before the Easter break commenced my parents received a threatening letter from the council claiming that we were still living in the unit and that we would be fined approximately $20,000 AUD for the violation. This claim was blatantly false, but we still had to go through the process of overturning the impending fine.

We continued to try and solve the problem with our unit in May, but this was soon put on the back-burner when our cat, Kali, developed ketoacidosis due to undiagnosed diabetes. Within the space of 12 hours, she went from being her bright happy self to knocking on death’s door. She spent four days in constant care. I am forever grateful to my parents who paid for her care, which quickly tallied in the thousands. Without their compassion and love for her, we would have been forced to put her to sleep. I recieved many well-wishes during this time from followers, and I am thankful for the support and kindess you showed.

Left: Kali at AHVEC, weighing just 2.7kg. Right: Kali snuggling me and my fiance at a much healthier 4kg.

Kali's struggles weren't over, in June. She again visited the emergency vet hospital after getting into the bin, pulling out a wedged in chicken container, and eating the silicone absorbent pad while we were out for a half-hour at most. We still don’t know how she managed to do it! Thankfully it wasn’t serious in the end; she brought it all back up and suffered no consequences apart from all the dirty looks that my family gave her because of the panic she caused.

After a couple relatively quiet months, my fiancé’s family dog, Jess, also developed diabetes. She was not as lucky as Kali, however, and did not respond to treatment. Within weeks she went completely blind, among other problems. At only 9 years old, my fiancé’s parents were forced to make the difficult decision to put her to sleep. While I do not regret being there for them, it was the first time I had to deal with death in such a confronting way and it was a terrible reminder of how lucky Kali was to survive.

I hit perhaps my lowest ever point mental health-wise around this time. Although the semester was very rewarding, after such an intense period of balancing my personal life and commitments, PhD research, studying a language, and tutoring both academically and privately, I felt emotionally and mentally used up. The best way to describe how I functioned during this period is that I was on auto-pilot.

 Although 2018 was undeniably the most difficult year of my almost 26 years of life, there were plenty of positives too. In January I completed my Confirmation of Candidature, which involved presenting a 20-minute paper on my research topic. Then, in February, I was very lucky to upgrade my car by 12 years. Again, I am very grateful to my parents and very aware of how fortunate I am that they are willing and able to assist me financially, with work flexible enough to fit in with a PhD being so hard to come by.

I entered my second year of candidature in late February. It was a reasonably uneventful couple of months until, over two days, I gave two more presentations in May – one at Pint of History titled ‘Catastrophic Crassus: Parthia, #EpicFails, and the Death of Rome’s Richest Man’ and one at the Humanities Showcase at my university, titled ‘It Speaks! The Voice of the Door in the Roman Paraclausithyron’. 

I also secured a casual job at UConnect, UTAS’s student services. I had four weeks of nearly full-time work at the start of both semesters which allowed me to save enough money to get me through each semester.

In June, Kali’s glucose curve stabilised, much to ours and the vet’s relief; she has settled into diabetes life well ever since.

July was a month of firsts. I went to New Zealand for the first time and attended my first conference, Amphorae XII. At Amphorae XII, I presented my first conference paper, ‘Pompey’s Eastern Settlements: Considerations and Consequences’. I met some wonderful people, including some mutual followers! I also visited some of the sights, including the Auckland War Memorial Museum, Auckland Art Gallery, Hobbiton, and Hamilton Gardens.

When I returned from New Zealand, I enjoyed another four-week stint working for UConnect and, through the semester, I was also lucky to tutor the first years for HTC104: Introduction to Ancient Rome. This was my first time tutoring in an official capacity and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

When September came around, I received the good news that my abstract had been accepted for ASCS40. My fiancé and I were also finally able to move out of my parents’ house and back into a place of our own. The situation with our unit is still up in the air, unfortunately, but it is moving slowly forward. Still, it’s important to appreciate the small milestones, so to celebrate our return to relative independence we established a small succulent garden in the back area and grew far too many tomato plants.

In November, I reached a major milestone in my PhD journey by completing the necessary coursework element (what UTAS calls a Graduate Certificate in Research) of my degree. As a result, I now have the equivalent of a minor in Latin on top of the Certificate itself. Imperium Romanum also reached its first anniversary!

Finally, in December, my fiancé and I spent many weekends at the family shack enjoying the blessedly warm weather that usually skips Tasmania. Over the Christmas-New Year break, I went to the beach a record three days in a row. Sometimes, you just need to enjoy the simple things.

And so I must turn my attention to 2019. This, like the years before, will be another big one. I’m venturing into the third year of my PhD candidature in late February and, with the GCR finished, I’m looking forward to devoting my time to research. I’ll be attending not one but (hopefully) two conferences this year. The first is ASCS40, 4 to 7 February, at the University of New England in Armidale. It’s now only 33 days away – my funding was approved in December and I’ve booked my flights, accommodation, and hire car. As with Amphorae XII, I’ll be live tweeting the conference and blogging about my adventures in Armidale, which I have not visited before. I’m also hoping to attend Roman Memory: Pacific Rim Roman Literature Seminar 33 in July at the University of Newcastle – I’ll keep you posted on that one.

To finish up, I have a few New Year’s Goals that I would like to share with you. I won’t call them resolutions as I find that term comes with a lot of negative connotations; I’m not solving problems nor do I need to ‘better’ myself. Instead, I want to focus on enjoying all aspects of my life, from the private sphere to the academic. 

 1. Read more fiction. 

I love reading, yet, over the last few years, I’ve noticed that I do very little reading simply for the pleasure of it. Because the last six years of my life have been so academically focused – having gone straight from a Bachelor to Honours to a PhD – I’ve spent so much time reading for university subjects and research that the thought of doing more reading, even fiction, is exhausting. I could probably count the number of new books I’ve read (that haven’t been set for a class) on my fingers. I’ve set myself the goal of reading two to three new fiction books every month – if I can read more, great!

 2. Do more activities.

Last year, I went on a fantastic one-day road trip with two friends to Freycinet National Park on Tasmania’s east coast. Then, through December, I enjoyed many more small adventures with my fiancé. Even though I’ve never been particularly fit, I’ve always enjoyed the outdoors. Now that I’m equipped with some top quality hiking boots, I want to get out more – do more bushwalking, walk more rugged and rocky coastlines, and explore more of Tasmania’s wilderness.

I also want to spend less time playing computer games (much as I enjoy them), and more time making things. I’m no artist, but I still love to create things. I’m going to start off by making a pom pom rug in my Harry Potter house colours – Ravenclaw – to go under my desk. I won’t be posting my creations of Imperium Romanum, but I will be posting about them on Instagram and Twitter for those who are interested.

 3. Participate in a ‘100 Days of Productivity’ challenge.

While I have a reputation for being a productive student with good grades, the truth is that I am a chronic procrastinator who happens to be very good at whipping up strong assignments last minute. Even outside of the academic sphere, I’m somewhat of a procrastinator, thanks in part to anxiety. So, while I will continue to bring you the latest Classics news, there will be some changes coming to Imperium Romanum as I turn more attention to the everyday realities of studying Classics and my experiences as a student. Life can often be overwhelming, and acknowledging this and finding a better way to tackle the day-to-day burdens before the month-to-month or the year-to-year is going to be a major focus for me. I think that a productivity challenge is an excellent way to do this. Starting January 3, I’ll be documenting my productive efforts via Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr. While I expect most of my days will be related to research, I have no doubt that the challenge will have a positive impact on my life outside of university.

  And with that, I’ll wrap up. To all my followers, old and new, I wish you a very happy and prosperous 2019. I hope you’ll share your adventures with me too, and I encourage you to share your New Years Goals – my ask box and submissions are always open!

~ Admin @sassy-cicero-says

[aspire-to-the-light]

Assorted New Year’s Rituals

I love hearing about other people’s New Year traditions, but this year I spoke to a few people who thought New Year’s was hollow and unimportant because they didn’t really have any traditions, so I thought I’d share mine. I’ve got a few different things I try to do every New Year, so I’ll run through them in no particular order. (If you already have meaningful New Year rituals you probably won’t get much out of this.)

I believe in New Year, so it makes it true. 

New Year is a really incredibly meaningful holiday for me. It’s my favourite of the entire year. I think it’s one of those things that gets stronger the more you believe in it. You see, a new year is a new you. You can give up your bad habits, forgive yourself for all your sins, change who you are, make new friends, start new projects and allow yourself to give up old ones that hit dead ends. If you’re trapped in a negative feedback loop, it’s a reset point.

In December I struggled to get out of bed, missed important deadlines, got depressed about the fact I’d missed important deadlines, played video games a lot to escape, ignored all my friends, got depressed about having no friends, fucked up my sleep schedule, and got so badly in the habit of doing nothing that it became impossible and scary to just start doing things. Then I spent New Year’s Eve with friends and since then I’ve been bashing down tasks in quick succession. Sure, the person I was last year was a terrible idiot who shouldn’t even try to do anything because it would surely fail and it was easier to lie in bed and/or play video games, but now I’m a new person and I can achieve anything. Even grocery shopping!

Believing in New Year means a lot of vague hazy things, like spending December 31st reminiscing about how the last year went and sort of breathing in the giddy feeling of it being the last time you’ll do certain things in 2018, then counting down with a rising excitement that bubbles in your chest and feeling reborn when the clock chimes.

Some basics

I like to make some kind of fancy dinner on New Year’s Eve. It’s the last meal of the year, so it’s nice if it’s a good one. I also watch a movie, not for any particular reason, I just always do it so it’s become meaningful by sheer virtue of the fact that I always do it.

I hear that in some parts of Britain, steak pie is a New Year’s Day tradition. I would like to try making one next year. 

I watch the countdown on the BBC. I dislike the fact that my computer clock and my phone clock and my physical clock might disagree on exactly when the moment of midnight is; it brings some uncertainty to an otherwise extremely special moment. When I watch it on the television, I’m reasonably certain that at least the moment I’m celebrating is the same moment as millions of other people. Also, the fireworks are often cool.

I fricking love Auld Lang Syne, which apparently isn’t a tradition everywhere but certainly is in Britain.

This year I was also introduced to ABBA’s Happy New Year. I am not a massive fan, but I’m low on New Year songs so I’ll take it. I would love more New Year songs! Please send me them!

A long shower, literally washing the year off you, can be pretty nice.

Declutter. Spring clean. Literally throw last year’s shit out. But do it on New Year’s Eve; some folklore says that on New Year’s Day you should only bring new things in to your house, to bring in prosperity. I’m not superstitious at all, but I like following all these little rituals just to help convince my brain that something important is happening.

Focus on January 1st on doing good things. For me it represents how the whole year is going to go; if I get it off to a great start by having a productive, focused January 1st where I’m kind to others and work hard, then I’m going to have a good year.

Something else which I’m going to incorporate next year is a little ritual to physically represent the thing I always do, of trying to leave bad and unhelpful thoughts in the past year. I might just write them all down and then burn them or shred them.

If you’ve got new habits you want to start, even if it’s something as simple as “drink a glass of water when I get up in the morning” or “go for a walk every day”, it’s important to do them on New Year’s Day, if you’re anything like me. If you’re all “oh I’m hungover from New Year’s Eve, I’ll start them on January 2nd” you will probably not. I find that it gives me a real sense of possibility and fresh-startyness to set things up on New Year’s Eve - glass of water by my bedside, or exercise clothes by my door - and then go through on New Year’s Day and do the things I intend to keep doing.

Looking back

Most years I try to keep some kind of record of what I’m doing as I go - I usually keep a diary or calendar, this year I had a Filofax, a few years ago I even had a Year Jar - and on New Year’s Eve I’ll go through it.

I have a tendency to feel pretty insecure about my achievements, especially when I don’t have other people around me who respect me for them and will remind me that I’m good at things. I often feel on New Year’s Eve like I’ve just had an utterly terrible year in which I did nothing, because the periods in which I was busy having ADHD and playing video games all day become more salient than the things I did well. It’s really nice to go through my diary or other records and have a reminder of all the things I actually did in that year. Something like a Year Jar is especially good for that because I write down all the little meaningful things that are otherwise easy to forget - times I helped out a friend, or made a really delicious meal, or just had a lovely day playing guitar in a park in the sunshine.

It’s also nice to be able to look back at a longer period of time, and see the structure that I couldn’t see at the time. I usually think about my day-to-day tasks, and I don’t have time to sit back and see the overall story of my life. Looking back over my whole year lets me pick out the highlights and lowlights and milestones and progress markers that are meaningful, and construct a sense of what that year meant to me.

In many cases I’ll have a splintered record because I stopped keeping up with my diary at one point, kept switching my calendar app, or was writing in a different notebook when I was in another country. In those cases it’s kind of nice to piece everything together in one place, and maybe colour-code it all up prettily.

I actually really recommend the Year Jar (a jar which you keep all year, and whenever something good or meaningful happens, you write it down and fold up the paper and drop it in the jar). Unlike a diary, you won’t notice or feel bad when you leave ‘gaps’ in it. You don’t have to be committed to it, just remember about it often enough to fill it up. Unlike a calendar, you can also keep an element of secretly-giving-presents-to-yourself about it; get one with a slot lid, so you can easily put paper in but not take it out, and don’t let yourself open it until a certain hour on New Year’s Eve.

Resolutions

I don’t need to say much about these, because everyone does them and you can look at five hundred other blog posts about how to make them well.

I’ll say that the more you believe in New Year, the more they work.

I’ll also say one piece of advice on the basis that I haven’t heard it anywhere else. I actually hear quite a lot of people recommending that you make New Year’s resolutions public and ask people to hold you to them. I prefer the opposite; keep them secret.

I don’t feel nearly as strongly about this as I do about keeping the letter to yourself secret, and I’ll discuss it more in that section, but essentially.... it may well be the case that you want to make incredibly “cheesy” or “cringey” New Year’s Resolutions, like “I will embody the spirit of <insert anime character who is deeply meaningful to you but everyone else will laugh at>”. You might want to make embarrassing resolutions like “I will stop <habit which you’d prefer not to admit you have>” or “I will give up <secret guilty addictive pleasure>”. Your resolution might be something like “I will stop letting certain people push my boundaries”, which certain people might take offence to. You may want to just promise yourself to be good in whatever language means something to you.

Either way, if you tell yourself from the start that they’re going to be secret, I find personally that it’s easier for my brain to suggest resolutions that otherwise I’d shy away from as cringey, cheesy, uncool, embarrassing, cliche, etc.

I usually calligraphy them in a nice notebook or on a sheet of paper, somewhere I’ll keep looking at it but won’t be too public.

Company

New Year’s is one of the few holidays I really don’t mind spending by myself. New Year’s is thoughtful. It’s about contemplating what you’ve done and achieved and failed at throughout the year, what you’d like to change, what you’re determined to do next year, and who you’d like to be when you’re a new-year-new-you.

For me, at least, it’s for quietly reading and writing. I read my diary back over, I write my letter, I make resolutions and carefully note them down.

Parties are fine if that’s what you’re into. New Year the way I do it is okay with parties, too, but the right sort of party - people who are willing to either leave you alone to be contemplative at certain points, or who want to all be contemplative and do the rituals together.

It doesn’t really work as a structured holiday. You can’t get everyone together and say “We’ll have cake at 10pm, all read our letters at 11, drink champagne at midnight, party for a few hours and begin writing resolutions at 3am ready for publication at 5am”. A lot of the New Year’s things, for me, are emotionally intense and I need to take them at my own pace. I’ll open my letter and/or Year Jar when I’m damn well ready to.

It would be a really nice thing to celebrate with other people, if they wanted to do my kind of New Year together, but it’d be less like a party and more like... a meditation retreat with more champagne and cheering than usual.

If you want to celebrate with other people, but don’t have people who want to do contemplative New Year with you, I recommend attending a party but ensuring it has a quiet room that people can retreat to if they want to quietly consider their resolutions.

Letter to myself

A separate post, for length reasons.

[me-me-big-disappointment]

The One with Chad Broseph...

As is tradition, I wrote another FanFic to celebrate this blog’s most recent milestone. Here it is:

Lil disclaimer is that calling people homos is Chad Broseph Huntington's signature phrase, MMBD does not promote the usage of microaggressions.

“Are you ready, homos?!?!”

Jack flinched at the harshness of his trainers baritone voice. He had decided to join a group workout class just a couple days earlier, at Erin’s insistence.

“You don’t burn any calories from editing all day,” Erin had goaded him, as he’d finished up his fifth straight hour of sitting at his desk, putting together the latest “Fix Your Pix”. “I miss your P90 body.”

And so that’s how Jack had ended up looking at the website of his local gym, searching for a class that appealed to him.

Cycling? No, too basic.

Zumba? Not impressive enough.

Yoga. Definitely not (for obvious reasons(it’s yoga)).

Kickboxing? Jack had always been interested in MMA. And how cool would it sound to say that he did kickboxing? When he told people his profession they would look a him with the same condescending glare every time. Even though he’d been doing it for over a decade, he couldn’t seem to gain the respect from his peers that he’d always desired. Erin would even refuse to bring him along to her office parties sometime. It was time Jack picked up a hobby that both he and Erin could be proud of.

And now he was in a room full of sweaty guys, punching the bag in front of him with all his might. He was acutely aware of the group instructor, the mighty Chad Broseph Huntington, watching him with a disconcerting intensity. His harsh blue eyes bore into Jack as the weaker man tried his best to keep his stamina. But Jack’s labored breathing and drenched forehead exposed his struggle.

“Your knees are too bent, homo.” The trainer grabbed Jack suddenly under his arms and pulled him up, forcing his knees to straighten. “You skip leg day often?”

Jack ignored the burning in the tips of his ears. “No, no. I always hit leg day.”

“You sure?”

“Yes.” The YouTuber’s tone suddenly became defensive. “Why?”

“Well as delectable as your calves look, homo, they also look like they’re not used to getting any type of workout.”

Delectable? No one had ever described any part of Jack as delectable before. He found it strangely...arousing.

“I did P90X once.”

“What, like ten years ago? When’s the last time you maxxed out, homo? Bet you can’t even do eighty push-ups.”

Of course Jack couldn’t do eighty push-ups. In one set? No way. It occurred to him that Chad Broseph probably took some type of steroid. Nothing else could explain how his muscles looked like they’d been carved from stone, how his eyes shone with a raging energy, an unquenchable lust…

Jack’s breathing became heavier, but it wasn’t because of the workout. Had Chad’s eyes been sparkling that brightly before? Had his jaw always been so chiseled and sharp?

He ignored the words coming out of the trainer’s mouth as Chad ranted about wide-stance push-ups and the evils of energy drinks. All he could focus on were Chad’s lips and how soft and kissable they looked. He imagined would it would feel like to have the stubble of Chad’s goatee graze his face…

“YO, HOMO, YOU LISTENING?” Chad clapped his hands in front of Jack’s face, startling the trainee out of his daydream.

“Oh, yeah, yeah.” He swallowed roughly, his mouth suddenly dry.

“Watch your stance. If you need extra help after class let me know.” His greyish-blue eyes surveyed Jack’s form. Jack could’ve sworn he saw him lick his lips a little.

The class lasted about a half hour more and eventually everyone trickled out of the room. Everyone except for Jack Douglass and Chad Huntington that is.

“I’ll take you up on your offer for more help,” Jack said nervously, trying to seem relaxed and casual as Chad made his way over to him.

“So keep your toes facing forward…”

Jack followed Chad’s instructions, trying not to focus on just how close the instructor was to him.

“Keep your knees slightly bent. But you’re not crouching, okay? Now, elbows in.” Chad, standing behind Jack, suddenly grabbed his arms, moving them into the correct position. Axe body spray filled Jack’s nostrils and excited his senses. “Keep your chin down.” A strong finger rested gently on Jack’s chin, tipping it down slightly.

The YouTuber felt his heart hammer in his chest. “What do you think about my hips?” His voice was barely above a whisper, nervousness taking over. But Chad’s face was close enough to hear the words he spoke.

“Excuse me...homo?”

“My hips. Are they forward enough? Maybe you need to align them more…”

Jack felt Chad shift closer, his abs now pressing against Jack’s sweaty back. Two hands came to rest on Jack’s hips, straightening them out.

“Does that feel better, homo?”

Jack grinned. “Am I the only homo here?”

A small chuckle rose from behind him. “What do you think?”

;)))))).........you know what happens next.

LMAO this one had a lot less memeing around than I had intended for there to be.

Big thanks to @jay-the-a-lien for suggesting the ship.

One again, I would like to apologize to my parents, anyone who ever talked to me, Erin and Jack Douglass, and whatever god is shaking their head at me right now. Not to mention, you guys, for making y’all read this with your own eyeballs.

This one has a very different feel from the others (at least to me it does(not intentional)) but I hope you all were still able to enjoy. Sorry again about getting it out a day late-computer problems ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

Wow, I really can’t believe I wrote this.

See you next time, biches.

-MMBD

[jswdmb1]

Pain

“I've been pulling on a wire, but it just won't break I've been turning up the dial, but I hear no sound I resist what I cannot change And I wanna find what can't be found”

- War on Drugs

A lot of people ask me how I come up with ideas for this blog.  Well, that’s not really true.  People rarely ask me questions about much of anything, and when they do it’s usually to ask if I know where the bathroom is.  Still, let’s pretend they do ask me about my writing process because it’s a good lead-in to this particular post.  So, I’m glad you asked how I get ideas for these posts!  Let me tell you all about it!!!

The reality is that I don’t really know what makes a good post and what doesn’t.  I probably get a couple of dozen ideas a day for posts but most just float away from my brain into the ether and are long forgotten. This whole blog came out of an exercise I started a year or so ago of daily journaling so a lot of this is just me writing my thoughts and once in a while I say to myself, let’s post that. I have written lots of stuff that has never seen the light of day and never will (believe it or not this is the filtered stuff).  Sometimes, a post starts and then sits on a shelf forever until something makes it gel later and then it becomes a post.  Other times, I just sit and write it out and hit post without thinking much at all about it.  Those are the ones full of spelling and grammatical errors but are usually the purest thoughts I have about that topic.  Then, there are the songs.

I will often hear a song, or more specifically a lyric in a song, and immediately want to write something about it.  Problem is that sometimes I don’t understand why.  I may not even know what possible subject it could be tied into.  I’ll write the song and/or lyric in a notebook, or maybe even start a post with it, and then it will just sit there.  There are a few of those sitting in my draft queue now and until today, this was one of them.  The song came out about a year-and-a-half ago and I immediately knew it was going to be a favorite of mine.  After playing it a whole bunch, I knew the lyrics were reaching me, but I didn’t know how.  It got cued up in my draft folder and I waited.

What finally broke the ice on it was a separate thing I had been thinking about a lot this week. Some of you have been following my travel blog about my recent trip to Las Vegas (if you want to read it go to jswrollthebones.tumblr.com) and you know that I have been searching for meaning about why I felt a need to take that journey and then take the next step to document the whole thing.  I began to think that there really was no reason and that I just went to have fun (I tend to overthink lots of things), but I sensed there was more to it.  I then thought about the lyrics to “Pain” and how my last two trips out there went.  The trip I took out there in 2015 was the last time my Dad went there.  He was pretty sick at that point, but still able to get around, so I wanted to get him back to a place he had loved his whole life.  I remember talking to him as a kid about it and won’t ever forget the spark in his eye when he would talk about a recent trip to Vegas.  When I graduated college, he paid for airfare and hotel for my first ever trip there myself with my buddies.  After that, we spent numerous times there always really enjoying it. It became a location that I readily associated with good times but more importantly times I got to spend with my Dad when everything else could be left behind.  That last trip in 2015 provided us one more opportunity to do that.

When we got back from that trip, I knew that we would not be able to take another one.  His physical and cognitive skills just wouldn’t allow it. At the time, I didn’t necessarily think about him dying, but I knew that things were not going to improve from that point forward and his ability to handle such a trip would be gone no matter how much longer he lived.  Needless to say, I felt some real pain after we got back.  I vowed to never go back unless somehow, someway, my Dad could go with me.  Of course, that wasn’t meant to be and he passed away early in 2017.  As a tribute, my family wanted to go back to the place he loved to celebrate the first passing of his birthday since he died (August 12th).  It seemed like a good plan, and I did enjoy some fun moments with my family during some sad times, but the pain was real.  And it wasn’t just after the trip, but I could feel it happen as I was there. I immediately turned to the substances I readily had available to numb the pain (alcohol and Ativan).  I kept it pretty under cover during the day, but once everyone went up to bed for the night I would really get rolling.  I would sit at a gaming table and order one “free” bourbon after bourbon until that pain went away.  Sometimes I got lucky and won some money, but other times I just let it go not really caring about results as long as the booze kept coming. It was an awful way to act in a place that my Dad loved so well and it certainly was no tribute to him.  Once the booze and drugs wore off, the pain was still there and I had made it worse.

After I got back from that trip, I felt awful.  It wasn’t the start of my downfall, but it certainly made it clear to me that I was in trouble.  I went into a very deep depression for a few weeks not hardly getting out of bed on some days.  When I did get up, I usually would hit the bottle or the pills after a few hours when the reality of my situation hit me.  I hid it well from friends and family, but it became clear to those close to me that I needed help.  As most of you know, I ended up in the hospital on an outpatient basis and it at least changed my life if it didn’t save it.  I came out of there with a new outlook and some better tools to deal with my problems.  I also decided while there to give up alcohol and drugs to allow my treatment to continue without interference.  In a couple of weeks, it will be almost a year since that all happened.

So how does this tie into my trip last week?  When you go through a period of sobriety, certain milestone events can be hard. Holidays, birthdays, parties, family events and the like can be hard to face sober for the first time.  Then if you are mourning a recent death like I was you will have to get through their milestone days (birthdays, anniversaries, Fathers’ Day, etc.) without a drink or anything else to help you forget it. For the first time on this particular trip, I was letting myself feel the pain head on versus deferring it through numbing agents to avoid feeling what I really was feeling.  A couple of months ago when some good friends suggested a trip to Vegas, I realized that was one of the last places I would need to go to conquer some of my demons as a sober person.  I knew it would be a huge challenge, which is why I booked a few days ahead of time to be there by myself to work through whatever process I needed to work through before they showed up.  I kept myself busy with fun activities that kept me away from some of the temptations, but most of the time I just allowed myself to feel happy when I was having fun, and sad when I started thinking about my Dad.  Once a feeling passed, it was amazing to see that the pain started to fade.  Before I wasn’t able to tackle it head on, but now I was letting it have its moment and then I was done with it.  By the time my friends got to town I felt refreshed and ready to enjoy their company. We had a great time and I’m happy to report that my sobriety stayed fully intact.

When I got home, it took me a couple of days to put this all together.  Part of the reason for that is that I came home so relaxed and didn’t understand why.  I came back the last couple times such a mess, but this time, through some perseverance, I turned that around.  For the past few days, instead of regretting my time spent in Las Vegas, I am instead relishing the week-long sabbatical I took there.  It’s an odd place for sure to have such and experience, but it worked for me and it was worth the time and money spent to do it.  As for the journaling of the whole thing, that was just a way for me to hold myself accountable and not let the experience float away (or worse allow me to devolve back to my old ways).  One powerful lesson that I learned in the hospital was through an exercise where we journaled and then they made us read it out load to the rest of the group.  This blog, and the Vegas blog, serve that purpose and allow me to basically read my journaled thoughts out loud to whomever decides to read this.  It's just another tool in dealing with the pain.

I never know when I’m done with one of these posts if this is going to make sense to anyone and I am particularly unsure about this one.  But I am going to post it anyway as I think that it is necessary for me to be open and honest about my feelings as I come up on a year of sobriety and a commitment to treating my mental health issues as well as I possibly can.  It seems indulgent, just like the whole Vegas blog did, but I take solace in the fact that no one reading this has been forced to do so.  If anything, I hope you can take away from this that while facing whatever pain you have head on my sound scary or even insane, it is actually the best thing you can do for yourself.  The process may not always be pleasant, but I’m confident you will be pleased with the end result.  I’m not suggesting you can make all pain go away, but by at least acknowledging it exists will allow you to begin to understand why you hurt.  Without that, there is no chance you’ll ever make it go away. It took me many years and a lot of pain to figure that out, but hopefully you can get there quicker than I did and start living life as pain-free as you can.  Or, at least understand what to do about pain the next time it shows up at your door and learn to coexist with it.

As always, thank you again for letting me do this and for those of you that read the Vegas blog and put up with my silliness over there.  I don’t say this enough (not at all actually), but those that read this blog mean a lot to me even if I don’t really know who you are.  My goal with this is to continue to try and spread the hope that life can be enjoyed and celebrated whether the times are good or bad. We just have to learn how to deal with what comes our way and I continue to find it my calling to bring that message to as many people as I can.  

Enjoy the rest of your weekend,

Jim

[destielfanfic]

5.5 years of Destielfanfic, Vol. 1

Let us tell you a story...

DFF started on August 28, 2012 with a review of Thursday’s Child by strangenessandcharm and in the next four days, the mods posted 28 reviews! Very frequent posting and answering all anon asks was a critical feature that helped us to gain unexpected popularity really fast. It was just before the premier of Season 8 and people were pouring into fandom, eager for fic!

Many features that we now consider essential to the DFF experience, were introduced during that very first year. We must thank our mod Char for having and implementing a clear vision of a fandom blog.

Note about mods  Alice/bbcsherlockian started DFF alone, but was almost immediately joined by Char/mbrry. Alice left the blog in the Spring of 2013 and Char bowed out in the Summer of 2015. Current mods, Flyingcatstiel and Kyrie were lurking around and helping with asks and reviews since blog’s early days but became official mods in January 2013 and January 2014, respectively. 

Year One: Season 8 (August 28, 2012 - September 31, 2013) Below the cut are some key milestones of that first year! Links go to posts on the blog. 

That nitty gritty blog stuff  Some of our technical features were started right off the bat such as our Twitter account (October 3, 2012) and the Google Custom Search Engine (December 9, 2012). A favorite technical feature added in March 2013 was the Random review button. It is linked on the side bar next to the random post button. Have you tried it yet? Here's post to help you to find it (and this is why we always tell folks to visit us on desktop)!  

If you know DFF, you know we love organising and tagging fic! The Beginning of Tags page as we know it happened shortly thereafter with the Tags layout being finalized mid-February 2013.  In April 2013 we made the first of many major reference tag posts. Not surprisingly, it was for High School AUs, a fan favorite! These reference posts serve as a content table to some of our most overloaded tags. Check out all of them on #reference post tag. Another type of tag we added were ones to identify our mods to address asks about who reviewed what fic such as this about the flyingcatstiel tag. To this day, we still get asks about our stalwart mod!

With all these new features, a Guide to DFF was developed and published at the end of March 2013, to help our followers to get around our blog and we posed an FAQ the next month. 

Organising and Streamlining  As we continued to gain followers (see below), they were eager to share their favorite fics with us so we could promote them on the blog. At this point,��we just posted the links and tagged them with unofficial tag. There was no oversight or tagging, and it became clear we had to find a better way to handle these submitted recs. So we started the Unofficial rec bulletin and Bulletin #1 posted on March 9, 2013. There are now 173 Bulletins and you can find them all on the  #unofficial rec bulletin tag. Feel free to browse those pre-bulletin recs on the unofficial tag, but be aware that they are untagged and quite a few links could be broken. 

Just like the submitted recs, asks were also getting overwhelming! That same March, we started the Group asks to seek help from our followers for questions that the mods couldn’t answer. Check out Group Asks #1! There are now 167 Group Asks under our #group asks tag!

We love our followers! Frequent posting and answering all asks resulted in a rapid growth of our follower count. We celebrated our first 1,000 followers on December 27, 2012, and 2,000 followers on February 16, 2013. By April 2013 we had 4,000 followers and celebrated with a post about our Most Popular reviews. By the time Season 8 ended and summer rolled around, we were celebrating 6,000 followers (June 2013). We marked this milestone by launching a new blog, DestielFanWorks, and 4 brand new thematic fic rec lists - Western Destiel, Micheal!Dean Destiel, Medieval Fantasy Destiel, Reverse!Verse Destiel.  These were joined by our Athletic Rec List a month later. 

Soon we had to stop celebrating follower milestones with special posts since the blog was gaining ~1k followers per month during the first year. Season 8 of SPN was a very exciting time in fandom and DFF just happened to be here to help with fics. We still can’t believe the amount of asks that got answered almost daily during the first year. Very soon it became clear that something needs to be done to streamline ask posts, to reduce repeat asks, to lessen clutter on our follower dashes and to keep mods sane. 25 posts in one day will do that. 

DFF and fandom DFF has always tried to stay away from heightened emotions of fandom life and provide a calm oasis to all fic readers. But mods are just fans and sometimes we have things to say. ;) 

After 8x17, “Goodbye Stranger” on March 21, 2013, we renamed our Twist and Shout recovery tag to Feelings Recovery as described in this post. Even now, we direct people there after particularly difficult events. Our ask about what fics we would rec to Misha Collins became a favorite after we posted it in March 2013 because it highlighted that not all fanfic is porn. However, please don’t take this as an invitation to show fic to actors! 

The publishing of Point Pleasant became another fandom event we supported.  For those who don’t remember, Point Pleasant by chainedtoacomet was a very popular destiel fic in 2012/2013. When author decided to publish it, she asked DFF to get the word out about upcoming deletion of fic from AO3. We gladly helped with promos on DFF and DFW. (See this post about destiel fics we know of that were published and where to buy them.) 

Sometimes, mods just... *clenches fist*  DFF mods learned the hard way that answering all anon asks fast leads to more asks. A lot of thought and effort was put into measures that would help us to curb repetitive anon asks, like our New to Destiel Guide, so the mods could actually read and rec fic instead of answering yet another ask about a high school fic. This led to our first PSA about (mostly) Anon Asks April 20, 2013. The situation didn’t change much and we had to make another post about limiting our response (July 11, 2013), and more posts, X, X (July 27, 2013) . Which was met with some rude comments in our inbox X, X, but also support from followers for standing up and defending our boundaries. In the end, we drafted a Mission Statement (July 29, 2013) to clarify the purpose of our blog. So, if you ever wondered why the anon was switched off or why some asks got deleted, this is the answer. 

About fic Ratings A lot of our current followers may not know that DFF used to rate reviewed fics on ABC scale. The mods did their best to be polite but still give an honest rating of the fic. Our A and A+ tags were among most visited tags on the blog and deemed to be helpful to readers. We explained our use of ratings in this answer post, June 4, 2013. DFF fic ratings however came back to bite us in the most unexpected way when some authors got hate because we rated their fics with an A+. To protect authors and to fight hate, DFF swiftly removed all ratings as described in this PSA about removing ratings  (August 5, 2013). We had to adjust our reviewing style afterwards, but we now strongly believe in a no-rating fic reviews. It was the best decision DFF mods ever made and just in time for our first anniversary. 

DFF 1 Year Anniversary, August 28, 2013.  To give back to fandom and to celebrate fanfic, DFF mods invited selected fic authors and followers to share their favorite fics. See this Anniversary Post  that lists all Author & Follower spotlights that were prepared for this anniversary. We also posted Personal Favorites rec list and Blog Statistics post.  

tl:dr - all posts about blog stuff are tagged with #about tag, we also have a #PSA tag for all PSAs we posted. Check out our old #unofficial tag for early, mostly follower generated fic recs on this blog. We also have #uncategorized ask tag for those asks that just defied all our tags! Note - links to tags do not work on mobile...thanks tumblr!

Link to 5.5 years with destielfanfic Vol.2

[pkmnjesus]

P J’s PokéAni Rewind 2017

It’s time for my 2nd annual year-end Tumblr tradition! If you haven’t seen last year’s post, check out my 2016 PokéAni highlights which mostly featured XY&Z‘s run. This year I decided to change the name to “rewind” instead of highlights because I really want to go over with what happened this year :D Also, I just wanted to say Happy New Year to all my followers, and the rest of the Pokémon tumblr community! I remember saying that 2016 was the best year for my blog, but this year of 2017 COMPLETELY surpasses it due to the GIFs I’ve contributed to the fandom that started some time in the spring. The final episode of the year aired a few days ago, and PokéAni has officially wrapped up for this year. With Pokémon anime celebrating their 20th anniversary this year, as well as their 1,000th episode milestone, (this post will be following the original Japanese release dates) let’s a take a look back at some of my personal favorite moments that the Sun & Moon series had to offer in 2017:

JANUARY - Ash’s first Grand Trial

After clearing his first trial against the Totem Gumshoos in Verdant Cavern, Ash gets his taste of Kahuna Hala’s strength in his first grand trial. This was definitely the first hyped battle I was looking forward to when Sun & Moon first started, and it really ended with a bang when Ash performed the Z-Move, Breakneck Blitz, for the first time ever! Clearing the trial gave Ash an Electrium Z, in which Tapu Koko specifically wanted him to receive. Seeing Crabrawler battle for the first time was wicked too!

FEBRUARY - Shiron/Snowy is born!

The Pokémon egg that Lillie raised and took care of finally hatched into an adorable little Alolan Vulpix! It eventually became Lillie’s first and only Pokémon, and showcases how much she cares and loves Snowy when she was protecting it from Team Rocket. Although she still couldn’t touch other Pokémon (at the time), this was her first big break from overcoming her fear of touching Pokémon. SHIRON IS ADORBS ^o^

MARCH - Tasty Determination

When Ash and his classmates came over to Mallow’s family restaurant to try out a tasty meal, Mallow and Bounsweet are fired up to cook the best Alolan stew they can possibly make! A specific ingredient, the Yellow Nectar from an Oricorio, was needed to make that happen. During Ash and Mallow’s hunt to find the nectar, Team Rocket butts in their business. Thanks Bounsweet evolving into Steenee, not only were they able to find the Yellow Nectar needed, but also took care of Team Rocket. In the end, Mallow’s Alolan stew recipe was loved by all, and she felt accomplished! Wish I could have tasted it myself...Steenee may have evolved but it is still a sweet Pokémon to me <3

APRIL - Stoutland’s end is Litten’s new beginning

In possibly one of the most depressing and emotional episodes the Pokémon anime has to offer, the wild Litten that always stole Ash’s food finally gets to be apart of his team. Ash tried to help the loyal Stoutland Litten was living with, but due to Stoutland’s old age and declining health, there wasn’t much the Pokémon Center could do. It wasn’t directly shown, nor mentioned, but it is clear to me that the Stoudland has passed away. *sobs* The gloomy rainy weather shown during the episode signifies the sadness and mourning every character that was involved during Litten’s struggle to find help for this good ol’ friend. Eventually the rain stopped, and a rainbow bloomed in a distance that made Litten feel better remembering the good memories he had with Stoutland. When Litten decides to join Ash’s team after battling with Pikachu, the memories learning and training with Stoutland are never forgotten, as Litten embarks on a new journey with brand new friends and a caring trainer. ;_;

MAY - The boy we’ve all been waiting for...

Ah yes, the most anticipated Sun & Moon appearance since it’s inception (besides Hau…who has yet to appear :\), Lillie’s onii-sama, Gladion! Ash was really determined to battle this powerful trainer in town when he first heard of him. Gladion initially had no interest wasting his time with him until he noticed Ash’s Z-Ring and his encounters with Tapu Koko. The two finally decide to battle the next morning, and although it was interrupted by Team Rocket, I was really happy to see one of my favorite Gen. 7 Pokémon, Lycanroc [Midnight form] in action especially with that Continental Crush Z-move! Let’s not forget about his Umbreon that wrecked the Team Skull trio earlier, and his Type: Null that shows up in the anime later on…Ash has a new rival has ARRIVED #StillGay4Gladion

JUNE - Olivia loves everything

Welcome to Akala Island! Meet the island’s Kahuna, Olivia who will be the host for Kukui’s class on their field trip all over the place. Olivia is shown to be a very outgoing, but sometimes clumsy, lovable person. She loves every Pokémon she sees, and they love her back even if it comes to bite her back (bites are like kisses to her lol). She even calmed an angry Tauros herd when it nearly stampeded everyone! Not to mention her huge assist on helping trapped Wailmer underwater by an angry Bruxish. As Ash & friends go on an expedition around Akala island, many challenges and exciting adventures await them that will eventually lead to one final showdown with Kahuna Olivia herself. Ladies & gentlemen, let the Akala trials begin!

JULY - A Z-Crystal for Lana

During the trial at Brooklet Hill, Ash & Lana’s fishing trip turned into an intense battle with a Totem Wishiwashi. Despite its enormous power, Lana stayed focused with the task at hand defeating Wishwashi. It was because of Popplio they were able to overcome the Totem Pokémon, and it even learned Aqua Jet in the process! Also as a result, the a school of Wishiwashi rewarded Lana with a Water-type Z-Crystal (Waterium Z) to use with the new Z-Ring she received from Kahuna Olivia out of the Sparkling Stone she found previously. Way to go Lana! This is why Popplio lovers, such as myself, ROCK! ...or WATER!?

AUGUST - Enter Dusk Doggo

With Pokémon Ultra Sun and Pokémon Ultra Moon’s release in the distance at the time, the anime managed to promote something on their end to hype up the new and exclusive features it has to offer. After a sweet victory in Ash’s Akala grand trial against Kahuna Olivia, Rockruff’s rowdy behavior showed us signs that it wants to evolve into something stronger. Will it evolve to Midday form or Midnight form? NEITHER! With the help of Tape Lele, Olivia’s Lycanroc, and Gladion’s Lycanroc, Ash’s Rockruff evolved into a form no one in the world has seen before (both their fictional and our real world) with bright green eyes! Behold, Dusk form Lycanroc is officially revealed. Guess Ash got an early copy of the new games, I guess? Welcome to the team, Dusk Doggo :3

SEPTEMBER - Are we in 1997 again?

What’s a 20th anniversary celebration without brining back some old familiar faces that made this show iconic? When I first heard about Brock & Misty coming back, I THOUGHT IT WAS A FANMADE POST on the internet…but alas, I was wrong and immediately got filled with hype and refueled my nostalgia tank to the max. Professor Kukui deicides to take the class to a field trip in the Kanto region! When they finally arrived at the airport, reunions and introductions were in the air as Alolan air meets Kanto grounds. Many easter eggs and past references were shown throughout the episode for fans like me who have grew up with the original series, especially since they first went to Professor Oak’s lab. One of my favorite parts of the episode is when Kiawe tries to put a blonde wig on the Kanto Dugtrio LOL! Team Rocket tried to join into the nostalgia party, but was short lived thanks to their Bewear friend. We later on get to see epic battles at the brand new Cerulean Gym with a few surprises that Brock & Misty have up their sleeve. If you’ve seen the battles, you know I mean. As a fan who grew up with this show since the very start in the late 90s, (I hate to be nostalgia-biased BUT) this was absolutely the best moment in 2017 for me. Some would complain why it was only 2 episodes, but y’all need to understand that this was meant to be special, and a celebration of what the anime has accomplished in its 20 year run. There was reason why Brock & Misty weren’t wearing their updated attires, to call back fans who haven’t watched this anime in a long time, at the same time promoting the awesome Sun & Moon series with Ash’s Alolan friends. Watching the Kanto specials was an absolute blast. I got this feeling, the feeling of pure awesomeness and seeing my childhood come back to life for a short time in today’s modern high definition standards. This was the same feeling I got with Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Dark Side of Dimensions when it was announced in 2016, and Digimon Adventure tri. in 2015…only no one has really aged in the Ash’s universe, but that’s fine! Every show is unique in their own way <3 I’m still a bit bummed we didn’t get to see my boy Tracey freakin’ Sketchit C’MON WRITERS WHY

OCTOBER - Noisy Nebby

The Nebby saga begins! In one probably the biggest main storyline from the games, the Aether Foundation (MOMMY LUSAMINE IS HERE BABY!…and Burnet! Wifey Burnet is here too <3) and Ultra Beasts finally made their presence in the anime. When Ash found a wild Cosmog in the forest one day, the whole class befriends the little Pokémon, in which Lillie names it Nebby, or Hoshigumo-chan in the original Japanese version. Everyone loves Nebby, but it does make quite the noise when it cries. The funniest part is when Nebby teleports people randomly to places they don’t want to be in! Like teleporting you and your classmates on top of a roof xD Don’t worry, we all still love and care for the little critter, but little did Ash & friends know initially that the Pokémon held enormous power that could travel though Ultra Space.

NOVEMBER - The not so FABAulous Aether guy

On the heels of the 1,000th episode, where we saw Gladion's Type: Null become a Silvally, and Lillie overcoming her fear of Pokémon after revisiting haunting memories, Faba of the Aether Foundation manages to kidnap Nebby. He wanted to use its power this in order to bring forth UB-01 Symbiont (Nihilego) via Ultra Wormhole. We already saw how evil and grimy Faba was when he ever since he was introduced (although, let’s be honest…for those who played the games we already knew he was going to be a jerk), but I never thought the anime would make him this hateful. Doesn’t like kids, throws Rowlet, grabs Lillie forcefully, power hungry and even abuses Nebby. He’s one of those characters that I love to hate (so I don’t really hate him? his character role is great basically), but hey at least he tried to apologize later on when he realized he screwed up. The positives from all of this was that he got tackled by Ash, got smacked smacked in the face by an Ultra Beast LOL, and that Nebby was able to evolve into a Cosmoem. Faba definitely deserves my spotlight for November! Unfortunately, the Nihilego that he summoned takes a smitten Lusamine with it to Ultra Space…how is this man not getting fired from the Foundation after doing all of this??? Or at the least getting demotion?

DECEMBER - Saving Mrs. Lusamine

Final Destination: Poni Island…Objective: Enter wormhole and rescue Lusamine! With the help of the 4 guardian deities of Alola that upgraded Ash’s ring Z-ring, along with obtaining Solgalium Z, a Z-Powered Lillie, her brother and the rest of her classmates climb onto Nebby’s back (now a Solgaleo) in order find her mother in deepest parts of Ultra Space. And HERE WE GO, Lusamine has fused with Nihilego that looks to be the ultimate mother beast! The epic battles begin as Kiawe, Lana, Mallow, and Sophocles lend their support to handle most of Lusamine’s powered-up Pokémon team. Meanwhile, Lillie, Gladion, and Ash try to fight their way through the area getting towards Lusamine in hopes of freeing her from Nihilego’s control. If Lillie can get through a Clefable’s feelings, she can definitely get through her mom’s! Thanks to Ash's epic assist when he used Pikashunium Z on Pikachu to perform the very powerful 10,000,000 Volt Thunderbolt, they were able to take down the mother beast and defuse Lusamine from Nihilego's clutches. Gladion and a crying Lillie are finally reunited with their loving mother, as everyone returns back to their own world where Professor Kukui & Burnet wait for their arrival. Eventually, Solgaleo returns to where it came from after dropping them off...all I can just say is that besides Lillie’s outstanding development from 1 year ago, it was bittersweet to bid farewell to Nebby even if it was just for 3 months :’) But hey, maybe we’ll see it again? Only time will tell…..but bravo Ash! Bravo Lillie! Bravo everyone in the Sun & Moon cast 👏 all of you did an amazing job in this arc!

Some honorable mentions...

2017 for PokéAni many other remarkable moments to take into account. We had new Pokémon caught added to the main cast such as James’s touchy Mareanie and Kiawe’s Alolan Marowak (in the episode where the infamous Hiker David makes his appearance xD) that seems to have a rivalry with Turtonator. We also got to see farm in his home, along with his family and adorable little sister Mimo/Hoshi! Kiawe’s personality overall has been fun to watch as he seems to be a very eccentric person. We pretty much got introduced to everyone of the main casts’ family during the episode where Delia Ketchum visits Ash in Alola. Other family matters like Sophocles thought he was moving a way for good, or Mallow’s daddy problems at the restaurant were fun little fillers that made us laugh and explore the characters’ personality a little better as the episode focuses on them. I found Sun & Moon’s fillers are really enjoyable for the most part! Whether if it’s a pancake race, a Charjabug race, wearing Alolan Dugtrio blonde wigs or a Palossand almost demolishing Kukui’s house, you can’t help but loving the characters even more and actually care for their development when they interact with each other. A personal favorite was when Rowlet, Litten, and Popplio had mini-adventure of their own, and outsmarted Team Rocket nasty schemes. Speaking of Team Rocket, we got a short glimpse of them versus a trio of Team Skull members last May, and I can’t wait to see what Team Skull brings to the table in 2018!

Kukui’s class activities like the baseball teams, camping outdoors, switching Pokémon partners with fellow classmates for the weekend, and sleeping over at the professor’s house were awesome too! Their field trip seeing the beautiful white Aether Paradise, and traveling through the mysterious Ultra Space were treat as well. We got to see the development of Kukui and Burnet’s pre-married relationship, which wasn’t featured in the games…AND WE GOT A PROPOSAL AND WEDDING OUT OF IT! Ash’s new Alolan parents are great togehter <3 Just call them dad and mom already xD

Important highlights I would like to mention briefly is Rockruff’s/Lycanroc’s development from this cute little puppy to being a raging mad dog that Ash can’t control when it wants to get stronger, especially during the battle against Gladion’s Type: Null. And how get I forget the legendary Jigglypuff of Kanto making its visit to Alola? I hope we do get to see more of this sensational singer next year, but after the encounter with Principal Oak’s Komala, I would be satisfied with making that episode Jigglypuff’s final appearance :’D At least it had proper closure compared to when it just disappeared all of a sudden in Hoenn. Futhermore, Bewear continues to HUG-in Team Rocket’s plans, Samson Oak is still the best Poké-imitator since Pikachu, Rotom Dex is still very addicted to Detective Laki, and Ash’s Z-Crystal collection keeps growing bigger. It’s really cool to see him do his usual victory pose like what he did with gym badges in the past. That’s what’s so great about this series compared to the past because everything about Sun & Moon is very different (same goes for the games)! There’s a reason for the animation change, and to be honest I’m happy that they did! The art style definitely fits the tone and theme of the jolly Alola region. In conclusion, should you watch the Sun & Moon series after over 365 days since its premiere in 2016? As someone who has watched it,

...the answer is: YES! YEP! AND DEFINITELY!

Welp there you have it! I don’t want to make this post as long as it already is. I’m sure there are some moments that I didn’t mention here since this is my own personal list, so feel free share your own favorite PokéAni moment 2017 with a reblog or a reply if you want! Thanks again for an amazing year, and it’s time for 2018 to get rolling (Alolan League or Team Skull arc pls?)…the moments are waiting! I’m still in a bit of a hiatus (referring to my personal post before this), but I knew I had to this post out before the year ends.

See you guys soon ;D

[antoine-roquentin]

In many ways, Coates’s career manifests these collateral trends of progress and regress in American society. He grew up in Baltimore at the height of the crack epidemic. One of his own friends at Howard University in the 1990s was murdered by the police. Coates didn’t finish college and had been working and writing for small magazines when in 2008 he was commissioned by the Atlantic to write a blog during Obama’s campaign for president. Three books and many blog posts and tweets later, Coates is, in Packer’s words, ‘the most influential writer in America today’ – an elevation that no writer of colour could previously have achieved. Toni Morrison claims he has filled ‘the intellectual void that plagued me after James Baldwin died’. Philip Roth has been led to histories of American racism by Coates’s books. David Brooks credits him for advancing an ‘education for white people’ that evidently began after ‘Ferguson, Baltimore, Charleston and the other killings’. Even USA Today thinks that ‘to have such a voice, in such a moment, is a ray of light.’ Coates seems genuinely embarrassed by his swift celebrity: by the fact that, as he writes in his latest book, We Were Eight Years in Power, a collection of essays published in the Atlantic between 2008 and 2016, ‘I, who’d begun in failure, who held no degrees or credentials, had become such a person.’ He also visibly struggles with the question ‘Why do white people like what I write?’ This is a fraught issue for the very few writers from formerly colonised countries or historically disadvantaged minorities in the West who are embraced by ‘legacy’ periodicals, and then tasked with representing their people – or country, religion, race, and even continent (as in the New York Times’s praise for Salman Rushdie: ‘A continent finding its voice’). Relations between the anointed ‘representative’ writer and those who are denied this privilege by white gatekeepers are notoriously prickly. Coates, a self-made writer, is particularly vulnerable to the charge that he is popular among white liberals since he assuages their guilt about racism.

He doesn’t have a perch in academia, where most prominent African-American intellectuals have found a stable home. Nor is he affiliated to any political movement – he is sceptical of the possibilities of political change – and, unlike his bitter critic, Cornel West, he is an atheist. Identified solely with the Atlantic, a periodical better known for its oligarchic shindigs than its subversive content, Coates also seems distant from the tradition of black magazines like Reconstruction, Transition and Emerge, or left-wing journals like n+1, Dissent and Jacobin. He credits his large white fan club to Obama. Fascination with a black president, he thinks, ‘eventually expanded into curiosity about the community he had so consciously made his home and all the old, fitfully slumbering questions he’d awakened about American identity.’ This is true, but only in the way a banality is true. Most mainstream publications have indeed tried in recent years to accommodate more writers and journalists from racial and ethnic minorities. But the relevant point, perhaps impolitic for Coates to make, is that those who were assembling sensible arguments for war and torture in prestigious magazines only a few years ago have been forced to confront, along with their readers, the obdurate pathologies of American life that stem from America’s original sin.

Coates, followed by the ‘white working classes’, has surfaced into liberal consciousness during the pained if still very partial self-reckoning among American elites that began with Hurricane Katrina. Many journalists have been scrambling, more feverishly since Trump’s apotheosis, to account for the stunningly extensive experience of fear and humiliation across racial and gender divisions; some have tried to reinvent themselves in heroic resistance to Trump and authoritarian ‘populism’. David Frum, geometer under George W. Bush of an intercontinental ‘axis of evil’, now locates evil in the White House. Max Boot, self-declared ‘neo-imperialist’ and exponent of ‘savage wars’, recently claimed to have become aware of his ‘white privilege’. Ignatieff, advocate of empire-lite and torture-lite, is presently embattled on behalf of the open society in Mitteleuropa. Goldberg, previously known as stenographer to Netanyahu, is now Coates’s diligent promoter. Amid this hectic laundering of reputations, and a turnover of ‘woke’ white men, Coates has seized the opportunity to describe American power from the rare standpoint of its internal victims.

As a self-professed autodidact, Coates is primarily concerned to share with readers his most recent readings and discoveries. His essays are milestones in an accelerated self-education, with Coates constantly summoning himself to fresh modes of thinking. Very little in his book will be unfamiliar to readers of histories of American slavery and the mounting scholarship on the new Jim Crow. Coates, who claimed in 2013 to be ‘not a radical’, now says he has been ‘radicalised’, and as a black writer in an overwhelmingly white media, he has laid out the varied social practices of racial discrimination with estimable power and skill. But the essays in We Were Eight Years in Power, so recent and much discussed on their first publication, already feel like artefacts of a moribund social liberalism. Reparations for slavery may have seemed ‘the indispensable tool against white supremacy’ when Obama was in power. It is hard to see how this tool can be deployed against Trump. The documentation in Coates’s essays is consistently impressive, especially in his writing about mass imprisonment and housing discrimination. But the chain of causality that can trace the complex process of exclusion in America to its grisly consequences – the election of a racist and serial groper – is missing from his book. Nor can we understand from his account of self-radicalisation why the words ‘socialism’ and ‘imperialism’ became meaningful to a young generation of Americans during what he calls ‘the most incredible of eras – the era of a black president’. There is a conspicuous analytical lacuna here, and it results from an overestimation, increasingly commonplace in the era of Trump, of the most incredible of eras, and an underestimation of its continuities with the past and present.

In the sentimental education of Coates, and of many liberal intellectuals mugged by American realities, Obama is the culmination of the civil rights movement, the figure who fulfils the legacies of Malcolm X as well as Martin Luther King. In Jay Z’s words, ‘Rosa sat so Martin could walk; Martin walked so Obama could run; Obama is running so we all can fly!’ John McCain, hapless Republican candidate in 2008, charged that his rival was a lightweight international ‘celebrity’, like Britney Spears. To many white liberals, however, Obama seemed to guarantee instant redemption from the crimes of a democracy built on slavery and genocide. There is no doubt that compared to the ‘first black president’, who played the dog whistle better than the saxophone, a hip-hop enthusiast and the son of a Kenyan Muslim represented a genuine diversification of America’s ruling class. Obama offered his own ascent as proof that America is an inclusive society, ceaselessly moving towards a ‘more perfect union’. But such apparent vindications of the American dream obscured the limited achievement of the civil rights movement, and the fragility of the social and political consensus behind it. The widespread belief that Obama had inaugurated a ‘postracial’ age helped conceal the ways in which the barefaced cruelties of segregation’s distant past had been softening since the 1960s into subtle exclusions and injustices.

A ruling class that had been forced to make partial concessions to the civil rights movement subsequently worked, as Nixon blurted out, to ‘devise a system’ to deal with the black ‘problem’ without appearing to do so. With the wars on crime, drugs and welfare queens, the repertoire of deception came to include coded appeals to a white constituency, the supposedly ‘silent majority’. But the cruellest trick used by both Republicans and Democrats was the myth that America had resolved the contradiction at the heart of its democracy. For the conviction that African-Americans were walking and running and would soon start flying, enabled by equal opportunity, paved the way for an insidious ideological force: colour-blind universalism. Its deceit was summed up best by the creepy Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia: ‘In the eyes of the government, we are just one race here. It is American.’ The rules of colour-blind equality and the ‘level playing-field’, as they came to be outlined in the 1980s and 1990s, created a climate in which affirmative action came to look like reverse racism: unacceptably discriminatory against whites. With structural injustice presented as a thing of the past, what appeared to deform the lives of black people was their culture of single-parent households, scant work ethic, criminality and welfare dependency. This widespread attitude was summed up by a New Republic cover in 1996 urging Clinton to slash welfare: it showed a black woman, or ‘welfare mom’, bottle-feeding an infant while smoking. Blacks, in this politically bipartisan view, needed to get with the American programme just as various immigrant communities had done. As the original exponent of centrist liberalism, Arthur Schlesinger Jr, charged, they had become too prone to ‘nourishing prejudice, magnifying difference and stirring up antagonism’ – in other words, blacks were guilty of identity politics.

The detractors of ‘identity liberalism’ are still prone to the fantasy that the end of de jure racial inequality ushered in a new era of opportunity and mobility for African-Americans. In reality, even the black people admitted into the networks of prosperity and privilege remained vulnerable compared to those who had enjoyed the inherited advantages of income and opportunity over several generations. This became gruesomely evident during the financial crisis of 2008, when African-American families, deceived into home-ownership by banks peddling subprime loans, found themselves in economic freefall, losing half their collective wealth. When Coates and Obama simultaneously emerged into public view in 2008 the political and ideological foundations of racial progress ought to have looked very shaky. But this structural weakness was obscured by the spectacular upward mobility of an Ivy League-educated black lawyer and constitutional scholar.

There were signs during Obama’s campaign, particularly his eagerness to claim the approbation of Henry Kissinger, that he would cruelly disappoint his left-leaning young supporters’ hopes of epochal transformation. His actions in office soon made it clear that some version of bait and switch had occurred. Obama had condemned the air war in South Asia as immoral because of its high civilian toll; but three days after his inauguration he ordered drone strikes in Pakistan, and in his first year oversaw more strikes with high civilian casualties than Bush had ordered in his entire presidency. His bellicose speech accepting the Nobel Peace Prize signalled that he would strengthen rather than dismantle the architecture of the open-ended war on terror, while discarding some of its fatuous rhetoric. During his eight years in office, he expanded covert operations and air strikes deep into Africa; girding the continent with American military bases, he exposed large parts of it to violence, anarchy and tyrannical rule. He not only expanded mass surveillance and government data-mining operations at home, and ruthlessly prosecuted whistleblowers, but invested his office with the lethal power to execute anyone, even American citizens, anywhere in the world.

Obama occasionally denounced the ‘fat cats’ of Wall Street, but Wall Street contributed heavily to his campaign, and he entrusted his economic policy to it early in his tenure, bailing out banks and the insurance mega-company AIG with no quid pro quo. African-Americans had turned out in record numbers in 2008, demonstrating their love of an ostensible compatriot, but Obama ensured that he would be immune to the charge of loving blacks too much. Colour-blind to the suffering caused by mortgage foreclosures, he scolded African-Americans, using the neoliberal idiom of individual responsibility, for their moral failings as fathers, husbands and competitors in the global marketplace. Nor did he wish to be seen as soft on immigration; he deported millions of immigrants – Trump is struggling to reach Obama’s 2012 peak of 34,000 deportations a month. In his memoir, Dreams from My Father, he had eloquently sympathised with the marginalised and the powerless. In power, however, he seemed in thrall to Larry Summers and other members of the East Coast establishment, resembling not so much the permanently alienated outsider as the mixed-race child of imperialism, who, as Ashis Nandy diagnosed in The Intimate Enemy, replaces his early feeling for the weak with ‘an unending search for masculinity and status’. It isn’t surprising that this harbinger of hope and change anointed a foreign-policy hawk and Wall Street-friendly dynast as his heir apparent. His post-presidency moves – kite-surfing with Richard Branson on a private island, extravagantly remunerated speeches to Wall Street and bromance with George Clooney – have confirmed Obama as a case of mistaken identity. As David Remnick, his disappointed biographer, said recently, ‘I don’t think Obama was immune to lures of the new class of wealth. I think he’s very interested in Silicon Valley, stars and showbusiness, and sports, and the rest.’

Embodying neoliberal chic at its most seductive, Obama managed to restore the self-image of American elites in politics, business and the media that had been much battered during the last years of the Bush presidency. In the updated narrative of American exceptionalism, a black president was instructing the world in the ways of economic and social justice. Journalists in turn helped boost the fantastical promises and unexamined assumptions of universal improvement; some saw Coates himself as an icon of hope and change. A 2015 profile in New York magazine describes him at the Aspen Ideas Festival, along with Bill Kristol, Jeffrey Goldberg, assorted plutocrats and their private jets, during the ‘late Obama era’, when ‘progress was in the air’ and the ‘great question’ after the legalisation of gay marriage was: ‘would the half-century-long era of increasing prosperity and expanding human freedom prove to be an aberration or a new, permanent state?’ Coates is awkward among Aspen’s panjandrums. But he thinks it is too easy for him to say he’d be happier in Harlem. ‘Truthfully,’ he confesses, ‘I’m very happy to be here. It’s very nice.’ According to the profile-writer, ‘there is a radical chic crowd assembling around Coates’ – but then he is ‘a writer who radicalises the Establishment’.

For a self-aware and independent-minded writer like Coates, the danger is not so much seduction by power as a distortion of perspective caused by proximity to it. In his account of a party for African-American celebrities at the White House in the late Obama era, his usually majestic syntax withers into Vanity Fair puffs: ‘Women shivered in their cocktail dresses. Gentlemen chivalrously handed over their suit coats. Naomi Campbell strolled past the security pen in a sleeveless number.’ Since Clinton, the reflexive distrust of high office once shared by writers as different as Robert Lowell and Dwight Macdonald has slackened into defensiveness, even adoration, among the American literati. Coates proprietorially notes the ethnic, religious and racial variety of Obama’s staff. Everyone seems overwhelmed by a ‘feeling’, that ‘this particular black family, the Obamas, represented the best of black people, the ultimate credit to the race, incomparable in elegance and bearing.’ Not so incomparable if you remember Tina Brown’s description of another power couple, the Clintons, in the New Yorker in 1998: ‘Now see your president, tall and absurdly debonair, as he dances with a radiant blonde, his wife.’ ‘The man in a dinner jacket’, Brown wrote, possessed ‘more heat than any star in the room (or, for that matter, at the multiplex)’. After his visit, Joe Eszterhas, screenwriter of Showgirls and Basic Instinct, exulted over the Clinton White House’s diverse workforce: ‘full of young people, full of women, blacks, gays, Hispanics’. ‘Good Lord,’ he concluded in American Rhapsody, ‘we had taken the White House! America was ours.’

A political culture where progress in the air was measured by the president’s elegant bearing and penchant for diversity was ripe for demagoguery. The rising disaffection with a narcissistic and callous ruling class was signalled in different ways by the Tea Party, Occupy, Black Lives Matter and Bernie Sanders’s insurgent candidacy. The final blow to the Washington (and New York) consensus was delivered by Trump, who correctly read the growing resentment of elites – black or white, meritocratic or dynastic – who presumed to think the White House was theirs. Writing in Wiredmagazine a month before Trump’s election, Obama hailed the ‘quintessentially American compulsion to race for new frontiers and push the boundaries of what’s possible’. Over lunch at the White House, he assured Coates that Trump’s victory was impossible. Coates felt ‘the same’. He now says that ‘adherents and beneficiaries’ of white supremacy loathed and feared the black man in the White House – enough to make Trump ‘president, and thus put him in position to injure the world’. ‘Every white Trump voter is most certainly not a white supremacist,’ Coates writes in a bitter epilogue to We Were Eight Years in Power. ‘But every Trump voter felt it acceptable to hand the fate of the country over to one.’ This, again, is true in a banal way, but inadequate as an explanation: Trump also benefited from the disappointment of white voters who had voted, often twice, for Obama, and of black voters who failed to turn out for Hillary Clinton. Moreover, to blame a racist ‘whitelash’ for Trump is to exculpate the political, business and media luminaries Coates has lately found himself with, especially the journalists disgraced, if not dislodged, by their collaboration in a calamitous racist-imperialist venture to make America great again.

*

As early as 1935, W.E.B. Du Bois identified fear and loathing of minorities as a ‘public and psychological wage’ for many whites in American society. More brazenly than his predecessors, Trump linked the misfortunes of the ‘white working class’ to Chinese cheats, Mexican rapists and treacherous blacks. But racism, Du Bois knew, was not just an ugly or deep-rooted prejudice periodically mobilised by opportunistic politicians and defused by social liberalism: it was a widely legitimated way of ordering social and economic life, with skin colour only one way of creating degrading hierarchies. Convinced that the presumption of inequality and discrimination underpinned the making of the modern world, Du Bois placed his American experience of racial subjection in a broad international context. Remarkably, all the major black writers and activists of the Atlantic West, from C.L.R. James to Stuart Hall, followed him in this move from the local to the global. Transcending the parochial idioms of their national cultures, they analysed the way in which the processes of capital accumulation and racial domination had become inseparable early in the history of the modern world; the way race emerged as an ideologically flexible category for defining the dangerously lawless civilisational other – black Africans yesterday, Muslims and Hispanics today. The realisation that economic conditions and religion were as much markers of difference as skin colour made Nina Simone, Mohammed Ali and Malcolm X, among others, connect their own aspirations to decolonisation movements in India, Liberia, Ghana, Vietnam, South Africa and Palestine. Martin Luther King absorbed from Gandhi not only the tactic of non-violent protest but also a comprehensive critique of modern imperialism. ‘The Black revolution,’ he argued, much to the dismay of his white liberal supporters, ‘is much more than a struggle for the rights of Negroes.’

Compared to these internationalist thinkers, partisans of the second black president, who happen to be the most influential writers and journalists in the US, have provincialised their aspiration for a just society. They have neatly separated it from opposition to an imperial dispensation that incarcerates and deports millions of people each year – disproportionately people of colour – and routinely exercises its right to assault and despoil other countries and murder and torture their citizens. Perceptive about the structural violence of the new Jim Crow, Coates has little to say about its manifestation in the new world order. For all his searing corroboration of racial stigma in America, he has yet to make a connection as vital and powerful as the one that MLK detected in his disillusioned last days between the American devastation of Vietnam and ‘the evils that are rooted deeply in the whole structure of our society’. He has so far considered only one of what King identified as ‘the giant American triplets of racism, extreme materialism and militarism’ – the ‘inter-related flaws’ that turned American society into a ‘burning house’ for the blacks trying to integrateinto it. And in Coates’s worldview even race, despite his formidable authority of personal witness, rarely transcends a rancorously polarised American politics of racial division, in which the world’s most powerful man appears to have been hounded for eight years by unreconstructed American racists. ‘My President Was Black’, a 17,000-word profile in the Atlantic, is remarkable for its missing interrogations of the black president for his killings by drones, despoilation of Libya, Yemen and Somalia, mass deportations, and cravenness before the titans of finance who ruined millions of black as well as white lives. Coates has been accused of mystifying race and of ‘essentialising’ whiteness. Nowhere, however, does his view of racial identity seem as static as in his critical tenderness for a black member of the 1 per cent.

As long as Coates is indifferent to the links between race and international political economy, he is more likely to induce relief than guilt among his white liberal fans. They may accept, even embrace, an explanation that blames inveterate bigots in the American heartland for Trump. They would certainly baulk at the suggestion that the legatee of the civil rights movement upheld a 19th-century racist-imperialist order by arrogating to the US presidency the right to kill anyone without due process; they would recoil from the idea that a black man in his eight years in power deepened the juridical legacy of white supremacy before passing it on to a reckless successor. The intractable continuities of institutional brute power should be plain to see. ‘The crimes of the American state,’ Coates writes in one of the introductions to We Were Eight Years in Power, ‘now had the imprimatur of a black man.’ Yet the essays themselves ultimately reveal their author to be safely within the limits of what even a radicalised black man can write in the Atlantic without dissolving the rainbow coalition of liberal imperialism or alienating its patrons. Coates’s pain and passion have committed him to a long intellectual journey. To move, however, from rage over the rampant destruction of black bodies in America to defensiveness about a purveyor of ‘kill lists’ in the White House is to cover a very short distance. There is surely more to come. Coates is bracingly aware of his unfinished tasks as a writer. ‘Remember that you and I,’ he writes to his son in Between the World and Me, ‘are the children of trans-Atlantic rape. Remember the broader consciousness that comes with that. Remember that this consciousness can never ultimately be racial; it must be cosmic.’ Nowhere in his published writings has Coates elaborated on what this cosmic consciousness ought to consist of. But his own reference to the slave trade places the black experience at the centre of the modern world: the beginning of a process of capitalism’s emergence and globalisation whereby a small minority in Europe and America acquired the awesome power to classify and control almost the entire human population.

The black slave, captured early in this history, presaged the historical ordeal of the millions yet to come: dispossession and brutalisation, the destruction of cultures and memories, and of many human possibilities. Today, the practices of kidnapping, predation, extraction, national aggression, mob violence, mass imprisonment, disenfranchisement and zoning pioneered in the Atlantic have travelled everywhere, along with new modes of hierarchy and exclusion. They can be seen in India and Myanmar, where public sanction drives the violent persecution, including lynching, of various internal enemies of the nation. They can be seen in Africa and Latin America. They have returned home to Europe and America as renewed animus against migrants and refugees. All this reproduces to a sinister extent the devastating black experience of fear and danger – of being, as Coates wrote, ‘naked before the elements of the world’. Coates’s project of unflinching self-education and polemic has never seemed more urgent, and it has only just begun.

[captainmarvels]

Last Forever

Request: Do you think you could do something where the reader is dating Tom and they barely see each other bc of Tom's work and bc of that they get into a ridiculous fight about it over the phone and it ends really badly. Tom feels bad about all the nasty words that were said so he goes home and surprises her there's just a bunch of fluff at the end?!

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Word Count: 1.4k (i got carried away, sorry)

Warnings: Language, Angst, eventual fluffy floof

A/N: this is a combo of 2 tom requests I got! hope you all enjoy, I’ve missed writing for this brit! x || main masterlist

Could this day get any worse?

First, you miss your train, showing up late to work for the fourth time this month. Your boss was already upset with you for messing up a few order catalogs, so you knew you were in for the worst when you walked in the doors.

All of this, topped with the icing on the cake - your boyfriend cancelling plans to see you, again.

Y/N: So, this weekend, then?

T: Can’t, love. I meant to tell you earlier this week. Shooting got pushed up, a location Doug wants for some scenes just became available

T: I’m sorry.

At the end of the day, you feel like you’re barely alive.

Your back hurts, your headache is back, full force, and you just can’t seem to catch a break.

Your body meets the soft plush of your bed as soon as you make it to your room, the world drowned out with the pleasant thought of sleep.

Those dreams come apart the second your phone starts to buzz.

You check, sighing rather annoyedly. You take a deep breath, mentally preparing yourself as you answer.

“Hi.”

“Hi yourself, love. How’s my princess?” Tom’s voice rang deep on the other side of the line, and usually it would make you smile like there was no tomorrow. But not today.

“Not good. I think I’m dying.” He snickers on the other end, and you can’t help but roll your eyes. “Not funny, Holland.”

“Ouch. Last name, now? What happened, darling?” He sounds genuine, but your anger blinds you.

“I was late today, again. And my boss already wants to slit my throat, so that’s just perfect. And then, to top it all off, you cancel. Again.” You clap a hand over your mouth, realizing what you just said. Tom’s silent, his breathing barely audible. You’re cursing yourself under your breath when you hear the click of his tongue.

“At least you’re not burying your feelings like always. That’s an improvement.” You’re picturing him rolling his eyes as he distracts himself and it makes everything hurt.

“Oh, is it? Sorry that I’m not a very direct person when it comes to my feelings, like someone I know.”

“C’mon, I know you’ve got more in you than that, darling.”

“Do you want us to fight? Is that what this has come to?”

“At least the phone call will be longer than 5 minutes if we do! You never talk to me anymore, Y/N.”

“Because you’re always busy, idiot! Or do you not realize that I’m trying to accommodate for you?”

“If ignoring me is accommodating for me, then by all means, continue. Let me stress over whether you’re okay or not, please.”

“As if you cared.”

“What?” You’re seething, your hand gripping your comforter tightly as you try to calm down. There was no turning back now.

“If you even cared about me, you wouldn’t be cancelling our plans left and right, Tom. I haven’t seen you in months.” Your voice cracks on the last word, and you can feel the tears in the corners of your eyes.

“You’ve got to be - hold on,” You hear some loud clattering in the background, followed by muffled voices. You assume someone’s come to his trailer, and you know the call has come to its end. You know you won’t be able to handle any more that Tom has to say, so you hang up before he has the chance to come back.

“Can you give me just 5 more minutes, Dave? Tell Doug I’m in makeup or something, please.”

“Okay, I got it.” The assistant leaves, Tom running a hand through his hair as he shuts the trailer door shut. He looks at his phone, groaning when he realizes you’ve hung up.

“Fucking hell, Y/N.” He throws it on his bed, sighing as he throws himself onto the ground, his head in his hands.

“I’ve got to fix this.”

Your first weekend free in months, and it’s your year and a half anniversary. You were never one to care about halfway milestones, but you adored how excited Tom was about the anniversaries. If he could, he would celebrate every single month.

The thought brings a smile to your face for a moment, only to fall as you recall the exchange you’d had the night before. You wince, remembering everything you had said to him, and he had said to you. You never thought the distance, his work, all of it, would come between you two like this.

It was never easy, and you knew that the moment he confessed his feelings for you.

“I really like you, Y/N. So much, I think I’ve driven Harry and Harrison to the brink of insanity, darling. I understand if you don’t want to start something with me, considering the mess that is my life. But I promise you, I’ll always be there. Whenever you need.”

His words bring tears to your eyes once more, but for a whole other reason. Sometimes you forget the poor boy’s been in love with you since day one.

He admitted it to you only six months ago, mainly because he was sure you’d think he was some psycho. Now, it only made you long for him more than ever.

You’re curled up on your bed, dozing off during an episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, when a sharp knock sounds at your apartment door. You rise, rubbing the sleep from your eyes as you make your way to see to the unexpected visitor. You don’t even bother checking who it is, already planning on shooing them away so you could be alone, in peace.

Oh, were you in for the surprise of the night.

You open the door halfway, leaning your head against the frame. You look up, meeting warm brown eyes. You blink, rubbing your eyes once more as you think you’re starting to see things.

Tom’s standing right in front of you, a bouquet of roses in one arm, and a bag of your favorite takeout in the other. His traveling bag is at his feet, and a small smile is dancing on his lips as he tilts his head, looking at you.

“Well? Aren’t you going to let me in, my love?”

“You - Tom - Wait, you’re actually here?!” You let the door open all the way, the young man nodding his head as he grins, kicking his bag through the opening.

“Of course, darling. Couldn’t leave my favorite girl alone on a special day like today.” He crosses in, placing the flowers and food on the hall table, turning around to shut the door, pulling you into his arms as fast as he can.

You feel like you’re spinning, your eyes lost in his as you both just gaze at each other. Tom rests his forehead against yours, his arms tightening around you as he presses you tight against his chest.

“I’ve missed you so damn much.” His words are barely audible; his eyes are closed, his nose barely grazing yours.

“I’m so sorry, Tom. Really, I didn’t mean any of it, I swear. God, I’m such a bitch.” He pulls away slightly, frowning as he brushes some of your hair off your face.

“Never. You never have been, never will be. I know you didn’t. I’m sorry, too, baby. I was so frustrated with filming, especially because it kept ruining everything I wanted to plan with you. I know I said I’d always be here for you, and I intend on keeping my word. It’s just, lately, it’s been so complicated.” He nuzzles his face into your neck, humming softly as he breathes in your scent.

“Wearing my favorite shirt, love?”

“Didn’t know it was a favorite.” You giggle, running your fingers through his curly locks as he presses soft kisses on your neck.

“I wish we could stay like this forever.” His words are muffled, but you still smile.

“Maybe we can, if you let me eat first.” He laughs, pulling away to grab the bag off the table.

“Wine and dine?”

“God, yes.”

permanent tags: @bladebarnes, @retroasgardian, @roamingharlem, @thesaraaaaahpfan, @avengershavethetardis, @buenostardissherlock, @jurassicbarnes, @storyofavengers, @imsecretlyromanburki, @buckyswife, @cassandras-musings, @nottheopera, @coltcas, @thefridgeismybestie, @rda1989, @callamint, @kaaatniss, @seb-ass-tian-stan-ws, @bootypoppinbarnes, @hollycornish, @h4izel, @charliexowrite, @kapolisradomthoughts, @stevnsbucks, @thewinterswimmer, @damnlokifangirl, @barnesvogue, @sebastian-stans-thighs, @capsheadquaters, @jobean12-blog, @theassetseyeliner, @buckys-fossil @worldsroses @yikesbuckster @mjuikoli @rotisserierogers @buckyappreciationsociety @supernaturaldean67 @milychetto @caramell0w @sshhayynna @blackcaptainrogers @bruceswavnes @jacks-on-krack