#In related news I have horrible acid reflux

[chicago-geniza]

I selected "Szechuan spicy" as my preferred heat level on these dumplings and they delivered. As a bonus my congestion is also clearing up

[withinadream27]

This is a medical TMI/hypochondria post fair warning

I had my first appointment with my new primary care doc on Tuesday, and she has ordered me an abdominal ultrasound bc my upper abdomen was tender when she palpated it. Now that area, which wasn't bothering me at all prior to the appointment, hurts, and I'm convinced I have abdominal cancer :/

Ultrasound is on Monday so I'll know soon. Presumably it is related to the horrible acid reflux I'm also being treated for, since the sore area is right along my esophagus, but why think logically when you could convince yourself you have cancer?

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told and Update

CW: Spoilers for Baghdad Waltz up to chapter 36 and some non-graphic discussion of childhood sexual abuse 

Hello!!!

Wow, I am so, so sorry for falling off the grid like that. I thought I was going to have WAY more time in October/November to work on the fic and work on fandom stuff in general, but my professional life threw me a huge right hook and I got completely sidetracked for weeks. So I’m off schedule a bit, in terms of having the next chapter. I’m sorry for the delay. 

I’m done with the full draft of Chapter 37 (about 23k - “short” but emotionally very dense) and am working through final revisions now. However, I also had to do an extensive amount of 9/11-related research for it, and part of that research has been reviewing oral histories of New Yorkers from the day of the attacks, and I came to the shocking realization that much of the prologue is historically inaccurate. Moreover, it’s shamefully inconsistent with the way that New Yorkers would respond to such an event. I’m embarrassed by how shoddy of a job I did with it.

Thus, I’m also going to be rewriting the prologue and including more accurate details, both historically and in terms of character dynamics. I mean, there’s no way Bucky could even live in Brooklyn and be a first responder at Ground Zero! All the bridges and tunnels were shut down. Shame on me. There will be ripple effects throughout the entire fic. Sigh. This is just round one of the massive amount of revisions I will be doing to the early chapters of the fic, which I wrote years ago now. I was going to wait to post both at the same time, but I don’t want to make you wait that long. I’ll just give you a notification when I finish the prologue revisions, and it’ll be like a little bonus chapter.

Anyway, here are some asks! Starting with a two-parter

First, thank you for the kind words. I’m glad you’re finding this fic moving. It’s definitely an emotional rollercoaster for these characters, and my hope (I guess?) is to have that be a parallel process for the readers. I think you hit the nail on the head that this relationship is exhausting. And you’re also right that not everyone would have the perseverance to keep coming back to it. It would be so much easier to amputate, pack up and go home. But once these characters get back into each other’s orbit, it’s very challenging for them to not keep crashing back into each other. It’s partially because they just love each other so much, but it’s also because they have an unhealthy relationship dynamic that sets them up for these toxic cycles. This will become especially apparent in the next chapter. They love each other, yes, but they also use each other to fill the gaping holes and insecurities they have within themselves. And they’re horrible communicators to boot. It’s a perfect storm. But at least they are going to try out some of this therapy crap maybe…?? We’ll see!

Along a similar line…

Thank you so much. That is so lovely of you to say, and I’m happy that I have your trust with this story. That said, I don’t know if it’s weakness if you’re not willing to run yourself through a miserable gauntlet of suffering the way Steve and Bucky are doing in this story. Would we call Rikki weak for drawing a boundary and stepping away from Bucky when his alcoholism was destroying their family? Some people used other words, but I’m not sure if weakness is the thing that might make someone walk away from a relationship like this. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you should keep slamming your face against the same wall until you’re black and blue. This is a highly dysfunctional couple, and these men have serious issues they are grappling with personally that make them ripe for this kind of relationship. Bucky is an open wound, crippled with shame, desperate to do anything to feel better. Steve has deep attachment injuries from his chronically ill mother and deadbeat dad, as well as major control issues, and he wants to latch on and fix and make right, and if he manages every variable just right, he really thinks he can do it. And then throw in a fuckton of PTSD and TBI and alcoholism and physical injuries on top of it. So no, I wouldn’t rush to judge yourself for not envisioning yourself gutting it out in this grim scenario. 

But I also think we can identify with at least one of these characters, and we can root for people who want to overcome the shit that life has thrown at them to be with the person they love. Because they really do love each other. There’s just so much noise that it’s hard to tease out the signal sometimes. 

Good call on Bucky being a notoriously unreliable narrator, and he’s someone who is likely to underreport his suffering. Aside from his war-related injuries and his psychological struggles, Bucky’s most symptomatic issues are his GI problems. He has both peptic and esophageal ulcers, which are slightly different creatures. Peptic (stomach) ulcers, in Bucky’s case, have been caused by H. pylori and exacerbated by smoking and drinking. The esophageal ulcer was most likely caused by an excess of stomach acid due to gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) and, once again, exacerbated by drinking. Both of these have led to nausea, vomiting, lack of appetite, and weight loss. They have really emerged since Bucky got out of the military and pursued drinking with renewed vigor. Though he wouldn’t know it at the time because he doesn’t keep up with these things, his GERD is very possibly linked to acute, high dose exposure to the exceedingly toxic “dust” from the collapse of the World Trade Center towers. It’s one of the most widespread chronic health ailments of those exposed, aside from lower respiratory problems.

And now for some heavy-ass questions from licketysplittt — see CW above.

Yes, I am going to talk more about the context of Bucky’s abuse for sure, so I won’t go into the depths here. But I will say now that you are absolutely right that he has complex feelings for his abuser. I think it would have been easy to write him as just being unidimensionally angry or ashamed, but I know that’s not the experience of everyone who has experienced sexual abuse. This is especially the case if the person who commits the abuse it is a family member or caretaker or friend or trusted religious figure or someone who’s not just a “stranger in the bushes” type. I wanted to try to capture that experience in this fic. Bucky has also been multiply victimized by multiple people over the course of his life, which adds to this complexity and creates an internal narrative for him. Like what does it mean that this keeps happening to him? This is also not an uncommon experience for people who have been abused as children. And there’s also the added piece of this that Bucky’s gay, right? So he’s got this very, very young sexuality that’s on the verge of blooming (your Disney sexuality perhaps, sitting close, holding hands, etc) and this older male is making sexual advances toward him, and so he might ask if this person “saw” something in him aside from his social isolation that made him choose him. These are certainly questions he’s tortured himself over. I will get more into all of this, I promise. 

Winnie and George undoubtedly knew that their kid wasn’t a very popular one. But perhaps they always knew that he was a kid who wasn’t destined to have many friends because he’s “sensitive” or however they would characterize him (I’m sure they had different ways of viewing him). And I think it’s important to take into account the type of household that Bucky was in and the way he would shape his behavior. George was this total wildcard — “Best Dad in the World” most days but a screaming, violent tyrant at these odd, unpredictable times that were fucking terrifying for everyone in his path. This is a house where it’s best just to shut up and create as few problems as you can, because you don’t want to be the one that dad is gonna flip his shit at. And so everyone is walking on eggshells and Bucky is going to get very good at lying about how bad things are. And oh! Jamie finally has a friend, how wonderful. There will be more details in upcoming chapters about how this all transpires, but I think the dynamics at home made it possible for a lot of this to happen. And you’re right that these were not the most skillful parents, and their marriage was very strained and stressful for everyone. And these fictional assholes also frustrate me! The emotional content can be hard to write. It’s one reason these past few chapters have taken me soooooo painfully long. 

Great questions! You are all so thoughtful and kind. Sorry again for getting so terribly sidetracked. I am going to keep plugging away at the chapter and at comments and asks. I’m optimistic that I will have the next chapter for you within the next two weeks. I am pleased with this chapter and hope you’ll like it. Thank you for being so patient!!! 

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

I’m [Not] Fine: Distress Tolerance as a Double-Edged Sword

So, friends, it’s been a while. And if you’re wondering if I still have cancer...I do. I feel somewhat silly writing updates when, practically speaking, there’s nothing much for me to update you on. I also feel worried that I may “bore” you by continuing to have--and continuing to talk about--this same disease over and over. Cancer is just a fact of my life now, both terrifying and quotidian (and terrifying because quotidian). And, I guess, my cancer is also a fact of yours. And so I worry that you’ll lose interest or become habituated to it or maybe even just forget that it’s a Big Deal--to me, to you, to the world--and that I exist every day in quite a scary position. Or that--particularly since I’ve been keeping up do assiduously with my normal life (about which more in a moment)--you’ll wonder why I’ve chosen to confront you with my illness yet again. At a certain point doesn’t continuing to talk about it become...rude?

I’ve now had five weeks of in treatment during only four of which I’ve received chemo. (You get “off” weeks so that there’s some built-in recovery time so that, for example, I’ll get chemo again on Thursday and then I’ll get a week off next week.) Five weeks and, to my great surprise, I’m still not looking or behaving much like a cancer patient.

Or am I?! What IS a cancer patient supposed to look or behave like anyway?!

[Reflections on this question below the cut]

This question relates to the post I wrote earlier about the invisible illness and how I have (still) the privilege of not looking like I have stage 4 cancer - a disease that is extensive and serious and which is maybe still growing even as I type this. I wrote before about how the invisibility of my illness so far is a largely positive thing that allows me to “pass” as a regular person. I’m experiencing a bit more of the other side of that now, though, which is that as my treatment progresses with relatively mild symptoms and without hallmarks of illness (I STILL have so much hair that I actually had to get it CUT last week!) the severity of my disease becomes, I think, less real to the people around me. It’s still quite real to me. Not only do I literally never forget about it, but it’s my physical body that’s experiencing symptoms, which are accurately characterized as “mild” but which are absolutely, definitely unpleasant. For the record, I have more or less constant acid reflux, which I manage with over-the-counter medicine; low-grade nausea that I have drugs for; occasional diarrhea that also just takes over-the-counter stuff; neuropathy--nerve death--manifesting as pins-and-needles in my fingers and toes; joint/muscle pain in my shoulder withs some spasms; and bleeding and bruising easily which has led to some bloody noses when it’s dry. (Far worse, I will add, are the psychological effects of wondering constantly whether chemo is working; if it is working how well; if it isn’t working how much the cancer has spread; whether I will recover at all and, if so, for how long; and all the myriad other questions that can send me deep into an anxiety spiral.)

So I guess that’s...not nothing. And yet I barely ever mention it. In part, it’s because I’m aware how of how incredibly lucky I am to have such relatively minor symptoms. I know it’s worse for most people, that chemo renders many people miserably sick and basically non-functional. I also don’t bring them up because I hate mentioning things to people when they can’t do anything about them, projecting, I suppose, my own dislike of feeling powerless to help those I care about. (I show love by trying to problem-solve, which is neither the best nor the worst approach.) Add to these reasons the fact that I’m very afraid of being perceived as “whining” or “complaining” (even when there is a very valid thing to complain about) AND of being perceived as “weak” if I can’t hack something this relatively mild and you can see why I choose simply not to discuss it.

But I think my decision not to talk very much about my symptoms has to do also with an ability I have that has betrayed me before and kept me from getting the support--emotional or practical--that I have needed in the past. That ability is my skill with distress tolerance. “Distress tolerance” is a term from DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) although I find it more broadly useful as a concept. Essentially, it is what it sounds like: the ability to withstand emotional or physical discomfort. It’s a quality that I have cultivated relentlessly over the years, both because I needed it to cope with the situations in which I found myself and because it was highly valued by others. It is a positive thing, in one way, since it affords the ability to make it through incredibly difficult situations intact. It can be a negative one too, though, particularly since “distress tolerance” can look to the untrained observer a lot like being unaffected, unruffled, “fine.” It functions far too effectively as camouflage.

One of my best friends, who was my housemate during my Oxford Master’s, said back then that you could always tell when certain people were on the edge of collapse because, when asked how they were, they would just say “I’m fine.” These weren’t just any people, though. They were people like us. Some people probably mean it quite sincerely when they say that they’re fine--they may even want you to stop asking if they say so! Those people would probably also tell you if something were wrong, might NOT think of themselves as being weak or disappointing in some way because of the simple fact of needing something from another person. I’m not one of those people, though, and neither was she. We’re the kind of people, instead, who will smile while bleeding internally, laugh through the pain, keep up a good appearance no matter what. We’ll also trick you and distract you like professional conmen, weaving together strands of questions and compliments about your life, until you’re unaccountably talking at great length about it. You may have asked about us, but after we say the magic word (“fine”) you’ll find that we are talking about you and only you. 

Very few people spot this trick, which is understandable since people, in general, love talking about themselves. This makes it also a very clever emotional trap for friends, family, and partners; if you don’t see through me, if you let me go through my song and dance, I feel like you don’t really see me at all and I can therefore push you away. The rare people who do see through this fiendishly clever trick are usually the ones who know how to do it themselves. They’re kindred spirits with whom the process short-circuits, forcing me to have a real conversation about how I am past “fine.” I’m lucky that I now have a lot of these people in my life, partly because when I find them I cling on for always, partly because I’ve worked hard on breaking this pattern to be able to have more of these real conversations. After all, is there anything more valuable than finding another person who you feel truly sees you?

So when I am tolerating my distress--whether it’s physical or emotional--I can at least be sure that there are some people in my life who will see me, and see through me. But they’re mostly not living where I live, which adds another layer of complexity. How will they see through me when they’re relying entirely on my own reports? The answer, of course, is that I have had to get better at being honest: at honestly assessing how I am and honestly telling people if it’s not “fine.” And it’s absolutely one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. But it will, I think, mean that I emerge from this horrible experience with even better friendships and, perhaps, better coping mechanisms. Distress tolerance is all well and good, to an extent, but it shouldn’t be the main principle along which I organize my life. 

So that’s how I am, really. Both fine and not fine. Living my everyday life as well as I can, ignoring the symptoms I can’t eradicate, taking things a step at a time and hoping for all the best. But also consumed with grief and rage and fear, all of which sit untapped but just below the surface, easier to access even than the veins into which my port is plumbed. My reluctance to tap those feelings is because, more than acid reflux or shoulder spasms, they would make my life unlivable if I experienced them all the time. But perhaps it’s enough to share that they are there, even if you can’t see them, and that they are part of what makes me different from how I used to be--even if I still look the same. 

(Pictured: new haircut)

[mandeebobandee]

I said I’d write a post with my experience with mental illness and here it is. I put it off for a while because I wasn’t sure how personal I wanted to get, or if anyone would be interested, but hey. It’s been bouncing around in my head for a long time, and if this helps me or anyone who might come across it, I suppose it’s worth it. I’m going to put a read more here so that this doesn’t kill people’s dashes, since I have a feeling this is going to end up being long and rambly, but...here we go.

I’m not actually sure when my first symptoms showed up. It’s possible that I had some form of mental illness almost as far back as I can remember? I remember being in preschool and having a fear of wetting my pants for an entire day, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t seem to get the thought out of my mind. In first grade, I remember being seized by a fear that I would start swearing at the top of my lungs in the middle of class. I didn’t, but it popped into my head, and that felt bad enough. A couple of times in 2nd/3rd grade, I had difficulty falling asleep because I couldn’t stop worrying about trying to get to sleep, and I would keep repeatedly counting out how many hours of sleep I would get if I fell asleep right then, and if it would be ‘enough sleep’.

So yeah. I always was a worrywart, it seems like.

I feel like I should note that I went to Catholic school from kindergarten through 2nd grade. I should also note that I’m fairly certain my experiences with religion shaped some of my first experiences with mental illness. This is not to say anything against anyone who is religious - I respect you and your faith. However, certain things I learned through religion...didn’t exactly help me, with how my mind worked.

In Catholic school, confession is a thing. You go in front of a priest and tell him your sins, and he gives you a way to seek penance for it. Usually repeating a certain prayer a certain number of times, or something along those lines. I dunno, it’s been a LONG time since I’ve actually done it. I’m agnostic now, so I don’t exactly go to church.

The reason I bring this up? 

My experiences when I was younger MAY have qualified as mental illness. I’m not 100% certain. What began near the end of 3rd grade? There is NO doubt about that.

It was Good Friday 1998. I was 8, soon to be 9. The reason I brought up my religious background is this - a religion related discussion precipitated my heardfirst dive into obsessive-compulsive disorder.

I’m pretty sure the comment was relatively harmless in hindsight, my mom making a comment about how Jesus died for our sins or something like that. All I know is that I suddenly found myself besieged by an overwhelming guilt as I thought about everything ‘bad’ I’d done in my life. Saying bad words, sneaking candy when I was 4 years old, all of it kept jumping to the forefront of my mind, and I felt like I had to confess it all to my parents as it came to my mind. I’m not sure how long this lasted...probably only a couple of weeks, honestly, but it wasn’t fun.

Also, the weirdest things became concerns of mine at that point. I had to make certain not to stick my middle finger out too far, or else I was afraid that I’d accidentally flip someone off, which I knew was bad. I didn’t want to say words like ‘wash it’ because...well, the end of the word wash combined with the word it sounded like ‘shit’ and ‘oh no bad word!’.

...I hate to say it, but this was only the beginning.

My mom and I were praying at one point at night when a really bad thought popped into my head. I was terrified, because what if it came true because I thought it while I was praying? And I didn’t really want to talk about it with anyone, because it was so horrible that I didn’t want anyone to know about it.

This continued for much of fourth grade. I was afraid I would hurt my mother. I didn’t actually want to, of course - I recognize now that these were what are known as intrusive thoughts, but there aren’t many nine year olds who know that now, let alone in the late 90s when I was experiencing all of this.

I recall being afraid to even touch knives, if that tells you anything.

I would also pray. By this point I recognized that what I was doing was ‘weird’, so I found ways to hide what I was doing. I would go into a room by myself and go through my routine, or I would do my daily ‘prayer��� in the shower.

...here’s why this was an issue.

I wasn’t just saying a quick prayer. I had an entire script memorized, that had to be said exactly the right way or I’d have to repeat it all over again. And it wasn’t a quick script either. And I often WOULD have to repeat it all over again. I recall at least one point where my parents actually made a comment about how long I spent in the shower, and the water grew cold with how long I spent in there. I didn’t tell them why, because I knew it was weird

That particular phase reached a boiling point one night when I was watching The Lion King. Here, I feel I should note that The Lion King was my favorite movie when I was younger. It came out when I was 5 years old, and I was Simba for Halloween in kindergarten. I had Simba and Nala stuffed animals, a Simba windbreaker with matching pants (yes, windbreaker..it was the 90s, okay?) that I took my school picture in, a Lion King casette tape, Lion King sheets on my bed...

You get the picture.

I bawled my eyes out during that movie, and while yes, I did often cry at certain scenes in that movie, for obvious reasons...this was different. This was almost hysterical crying, and my parents knew there was something wrong. They managed to finally coax me to admit my fears, and that seeing Simba accused of what happened to Mufasa in that movie was...well, it was a little too close for comfort.

Talking to my parents helped. I still had worries, of course, but my next big flare up didn’t happen until 5th grade.

Once again, the thing that set it off should have been something that didn’t affect me. It wouldn’t affect most people. 

A girl in my gym class cut her knee on one of those rolly scooters that you’d sit on and roll around on in gym class. Obviously not the greatest thing, but you wouldn’t think it would be something that would set someone off...would you?

Ahahaha. Yeaaaaaaaaah right.

To preface, some of this was due to ignorance on my part. I was 10, I didn’t know the details as to how the disease I was so afraid of was transmitted. I only knew that you could get it from blood, and there was blood on the floor in gym class. So then I started worrying that I might have gotten it on my shoes. Then, that anything my shoes touched could have gotten something on them. Then my clothes. Then...

You, uh, get the picture.

I was afraid that anything I touched would give me AIDS. X_X Again, I KNOW now that it doesn’t work that way. I also know that even with other diseases, those pathogens eventually DIE outside of the body, so you don’t have to worry about your shoes being contaminated with the same virus two weeks later. But, again, I was 10. I actually learned shortly after this the truth of how AIDS is spread.

Anyway, this was one of the points where my OCD was most stereotypical. I washed my hands constantly. Obviously my parents noticed, and they tried to poke and prod into WHY I was doing this. Once again, my shame and fear and recognizing that what I was doing was ‘weird’ led me to hide the truth to some extent. We’d watched Johnny Tremaine in class and my dad mentioned that after he watched that movie he’d been afraid that his hand would get disfigured like one of the characters’ in the movie’s hands did. So I claimed that I feared something similar, and that was why I was washing my hands.

I’m pretty sure, looking back, that he probably didn’t buy that.

6th grade came. My mom had surgery. My best friend had diabetes. Neither of these were their fault, of course, but both I’m fairly certain had an impact on my already anxious mind. I started worrying that I would develop diabetes like my friend had. Now, I was old enough at this point to understand that diabetes wasn’t contagious, so at least I wasn’t worried about contracting it from my friend. I was, however, afraid of contracting other diseases, so...yep, the hand washing continued. We also happened to have this lovely book of illnesses from the 80s that my parents bought with an encyclopedia set way back that I spent way too much time reading. Actually, reading that became one of my compulsions. There was an entry that I would read through every night before I went to bed. The same entry.

My mom wound up in the hospital with chest pains a couple of weeks after surgery. They sent her home with a diagnosis of acid reflux. It was 2 in the morning and they took me to a side room to see if I could get some sleep. I couldn’t. We were learning about the plague of all things and I couldn’t get the idea that plague bacteria could be lurking anywhere in that room out of my head, so...yep. Didn’t get to sleep until they released my mom out of the ER at 6 or 7 in the morning.

I started fearing heart attacks around this point. I would literally feel for my heartbeat several times a day, just to make sure my heart was still beating. 

Christmas that year was...stressful. My mom was still recovering from her surgery, there was family drama, my uncle’s girlfriend had a possible diagnosis of TB so everyone was paranoid of being around him because of THAT, my dad’s side of the family insisted on smoking despite the fact that being around smoke made me feel blah...

Still, that was a walk in the park compared to New Years.

We were invited to a neighbor’s New Years Eve party. Everything was fine until I walked in the door.

I still don’t entirely know how to describe the feeling that came over me. 11-year-old me summed it up as ‘I feel like I’m going to pass out’. I tried to continue as if everything was normal. I didn’t want to disrupt the party. The neighbor’s toddler daughter, who liked showing off for the ‘big kid’, wanted to show me a dance or something that she’d learned.

The feeling didn’t go away. I told my mom I wanted to go home, that I still felt like I was going to pass out.

We made it back home. I remember pleading with my mom to take me to the doctor, because I was honestly afraid there was something seriously wrong with me. The feeling eventually abated, but not without my discovering something quite interesting.

Remember that childhood illnesses book? When I read it, I usually stuck to certain communicable diseases that I was concerned about, or things like the diabetes that my best friend struggled with. My mom was looking through the book trying to figure out what was wrong with me, and started reading a definition that stood out to me. I don’t recall what all it said, and we no longer have that book (as it would be over 30 years old at this point). One thing I do recall was that she read something along the lines of ‘feeling like you’re going crazy or dying’.

It was under the heading of ‘panic attack’.

That New Years was the only New Years I can ever recall NOT staying up until or past midnight.

I ended up getting a fever a few days later, and in the midst of my fever, my delirious mind pounced on my fears and kept asking me ‘what if you really do want to hurt somebody?’ I was shaking uncontrollably, not realizing that I had chills and a fever, and ran into my mom’s room sobbing and telling her I thought I was going crazy. She felt my forehead and told me I was burning up.

You can understand why, when it was time to return back to school after Christmas break, I was uneasy as my mom pulled up to the curb to drop me off. I was afraid that I’d get a headache, or that I’d feel like I was going to pass out again, or any of the multiple things that seemed to be wrong with me recently. Of course, I had to pull up my big girl panties and still go to school, but...I started to become afraid to do things, out of fear that they would ‘set me off’, that something like what happened at that New Years Eve party would happen again.

And it did.

Not right away, of course. I didn’t walk into school and have it happen right away. It happened once in gym class. It happened at a school party. It happened when my parents were driving.

It happened twice in one day, at the beginning of 7th grade. To be fair, though, there were special circumstances that day. One instance was precipitated by a mental picture in my head of a plane crashing into our school, if that gives you some idea. Needless to say, even the adults seemed confused and panicky that day, and given how I was already..yeah, it wasn’t any surprise that 9/11 left me particularly frazzled. 

The summer between 9th grade and 10th grade was quite possibly the worst. I spent hours doing my various ‘rituals’ that I had to do each day. By this time, I was already getting involved with online fandoms, and every day before I could actually posted what I wanted to on the Harry Potter forum I was on, I had to post certain posts over and over again. By this point, I more than suspected I had OCD.

I actually mentioned it to someone on the board, who pretty much laughed and said. ‘You don’t have it. If you had it, it would be noticeable’.

...like it wasn’t? Did they think I was posting the same thing over and over again for fun? I was doing rituals until 1 and 2 in the morning for pete’s sake.

This was honestly the pattern off and on through high school. 11th grade was particularly awkward, as it began to affect my grades. Certain readings in American Lit would give me ‘weird feelings’, and I couldn’t bring myself to finish the assignments for them for that reason. 

The summer between 11th and 12th grade was when things hit a head. I developed a thing for straightening shelves in stores, and my dad was poking fun at me doing it at one point. I love my dad, but he can be particularly harsh when he teases, and by that point I was already in a bad position.

I burst into tears in the middle of Walmart. Not one of my proudest moments.

That said...it gave me the impetus to finally go to my parents about what was wrong. I knew I’d needed therapy for a few years prior to this point, I’d just never worked up the courage to talk to them about it.

The first part of the conversation actually went how I feared. My parents thought it was like the diseases I looked up as a child and would come into their room telling them I feared I’d get it (...ironically, I did that BECAUSE of this disorder, but moving on). 

I left the room crying and began to write out my experience year after year, much as I did here (though probably not quite as eloquently...I was 17 at the time, after all). Once my parents read THAT, they finally realized how much this was impacting my life, and agreed to take me to the doctor.

Not only that, but they confessed that they did similar things. Now both of them admit to having OCD to some extent, and it’s pretty darn obvious that much of my family struggles with anxiety and/or OCD...on both sides.

Sad thing is? It took until the millennials (me and my cousin on my dad’s side) and Gen Z (a cousin on my mom’s side) before anyone actually sought help for any of this. X_X 

I’m not going to pretend that I went to therapy and things magically got better. Therapy did help. I stopped therapy when I was 19, because my therapist was about to have a baby. I never went back to see her after that, figuring I was doing better at that point.

Of course, the ensuing decade after that was full of ups and downs.

2016 is probably when things began to get extra difficult again. I began to experience tremors. I would get dizzy/have palpitations. My doctor sent me to see a cardiologist and a neurologist.

They ran their tests, determined there was nothing physically wrong with me. The tremors, dizziness, and palpitations were new manifestations of my anxiety. At some point (not 100% sure when), I also gained a diagnosis of GAD.

Last year, I finally began to see a therapist yet again (the 2017-2018 flu season scared me particularly badly, and I still have a paranoia because of it), and started a new medication. Has everything gotten completely better?

No, but it has improved some from where it was prior to that point. I’m still working on it, and I’ll probably be working on it in some way, shape, or form for my entire life.

But hey, at least I can be more open about it now. And I know that I’m not alone, and that makes a huge difference as well <3

[lies-and-crooked-sims]

11 Week update

27 DECEMBER 2017

Due date: 18th of July 2018

Exercise: Absolutely not

Stretch marks: Nope

Swelling: A bit of bloating but bump is definitely coming along!

Maternity clothes: No, but I do need new jeans

Belly button: In

Sleep: Comfy and lovely

Food cravings: Woke up this morning needing a McDonald’s chocolate thick shake.

Movement: I thought I flt something a few days ago, but it was probably just gas…

Labor signs:  No. But related, I have some pain to report! I feel my uterus stretching quiet often, which means baby is growing well! My back is aching, mainly because of working. Also Christmas day I ate so much food that I gave myself acid reflux and was in bed all day with a food hangover. It was horrible.

What I miss: KFC!

What I’m loving: Nothing much really

Best moment: Blood test today :/

What I’m looking forward to: Ultrasound next week!!! Get to see an actual baby this time instead of a dot!

[tyler-blogs]

Around the age of 15, I started waking up nauseous every. single. morning. It sucked.

My mom told my doctor. They thought it was period cramps (every day?). Acid reflux (with no other symptoms?) Pregnancy (I was a virgin?) All in my head (I was a teenage girl?).

For several years, I lived with it. Gave up on fixing it. Was miserable every morning, feeling like I'd throw up at the smell of a fresh-cooked breakfast, so I couldn't even enjoy that with my family on school holidays when we'd all be together.

In college, I went to a new town. At 19, I got a new primary doctor. I decided to bring it up, because I was tired of it being my normal. She asked me questions I'd never been asked before, and hypothesized it was maybe a blood sugar issue. I didn't have diabetes, but she had me get a cheap blood sugar monitor and just test myself at specific times, including when I felt sick in the morning. My blood sugar levels were a little abnormal, but only in the morning. The doctor didn't know why it was happening, but said she'd actually experienced something similar as a teenager, and it disappeared as she matured into an adult. But, she gave me specific nutrition advice that allowed me to manage it better. I'd eat snacks with certain protein to carbohydrates ratios right before I went to bed and in the morning for breakfast, and the nausea would clear up much more quickly.

I finally felt almost normal. I even found some chocolate flavored protein shakes I really loved. So, I could live with that.

But then, a year later I had my first manic episode. I'd experienced symptoms of depression and anxiety since I was 15 or so, but didn't know that's what it was called, and never got help for them. But I had been going to therapy a couple months when I suddenly had full-blown mania. I didn't understand what was happened but was scared and went to be evaluated. Bipolar Disorder, just like my dad.

First I wanted to attempt treatment without meds. It helped a little. But after a few months, I decided to try medications. At this point, I'd been feeling nauseous every morning for over 5 years, right? It felt like this was just how my life would be forever. After lots of research and discussion with my psychiatrist, I tried my first medication. A sample pack, super low dose. Taken at night, because a side effect was drowsiness. When I woke up the next morning, my first thought was "wow, I've never slept that good in my life".

Also, my stomach didn't feel sick. My blood sugar was more normal, too.

I thought it was a miracle. I literally cried.

The medicine helped control my bipolar symptoms too, but that wasn't as immediate noticeable. 7 years later, I still take the same medicine, though the dosage was adjusted at times.

And since then, I've learned about possibly WHY this nausea was my "normal" for so long, and why the doctors never really solved it.

~~note that this next section is somewhat speculative, but based on emerging research that I'll include in links at the bottom~~

Bipolar disorder is really complicated from a medical research standpoint. It's misdiagnosed at times. There are a lot of genetic and epigenetic factors involved. But moore recently research has shown that one common thing that goes along with it is problems with the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis. This can cause many issues, including insomnia, and disrupt the hormone cortisol, which impacts blood sugar. So, the medication helps treat my bipolar disorder, but also the associated insomnia and related blood sugar issues.

I think this hypothesis is pretty valid. I'm only a sample size of 1, but even now, 7 years later, if I get very little quality sleep one night, I have horrible nausea for 4-5 hours the next morning, just like when I was younger. It literally happened 2 days ago when I had to work late for an event, and only got like 5 hours of restless sleep due to stress and whatnot.

I was reminded of that horrible time when I felt like that was NORMAL. It was never NORMAL. It was life-altering. I never should gave accepted it!

References:

https://synapse.koreamed.org/articles/1018000

Your body hurting every day is not normal.

However, it can become your normal.

And just know that those two things mean two very different things.

[avaliveradio]

3.25 March Rock Mania New Music Monday Playlist

TODAY'S LIST OF WHAT'S FRESH COMING INTO A.V.A LIVE RADIO. THIS IS A ROCK GENRE SHOW SEGMENT FULL OF MUSIC THAT WILL INSPIRE YOU AND SEND YOU SEARCHING THE ARTISTS PAGES FOR MORE. EPISODE HOSTED BY JACQUELINE JAX.

Todays show is all about Rock and Roll. Get ready Rock fans to discover some new favorites.

Listen to the show : Starts at 8 am et on all broadcasting outlets including: https://anchor.fm/ava-live-radio

Artist: Rosetta Fire

New Release: Shakedown

Genre: Indie Rock

Located in: Warwickshire, England

This song is...  'Shakedown is about shaking off those fears of failure and giving it your best shot. Re-inventing yourself somewhat. Taking the best wishes of those around you and aiming to do them proud; but ultimately knowing that you have given it everything. For us that is music, but I don't feel it's limited to that.' Ant Gliddon - lead singer from Rosetta Fire. https://open.spotify.com/track/3DN3BIUNvtt9qQ3Og53pC5?si=biknPbTnToyPHDpoTDYvpw

The music we are creating is... Rosetta Fire will continue to showcase their unique brand of pop melodies, jazz inspired hooks, funk rhythms and folk rock vibes in venues around the UK in 2019, playing newly composed material in their live shows and honing their signature sound. Their blend of tight harmonies, strong melodies and memorable lyrics with an added pinch of optimism are trademark Rosetta Fire, with each new song showing a flash of creative brilliance from a band with an unorthodox sound.

Right now we are... New single - Shakedown - Out Now!!

LINKS:  http://jaminrecords.com https://www.facebook.com/keepitjamin https://www.dropbox.com/s/7t1fefwu8itbbie/Jamin%20Records%20Logo%20Jpeg.jpg?dl=0 https://www.facebook.com/rosettafire https://open.spotify.com/artist/3rmp6r2mQGvzYflJyIb8Py

Artist: Greg Hoy & The Boys

New Release: Brilliant Jerk!

Genre: Indie Rock

Located in: San Francisco, CA

This song is... 'Brilliant Jerk' is the song you always wanted to have at a party to play at just the right moment when that certain someone starts talking and now it's finally been written. This is a classic.' (Please Pass The Indie).

The music we are creating is... People need to dance and move the positive energy all around the world: even if the song is about a guy that talks too much!

Right now we are... The band is embarking on an 8 month tour of the USA in a 1973 Airstream with 2003 Ford Econoline van

LINKS:  https://open.spotify.com/track/3ZmYnyBe8AneFOJT80yfI0?si=CsWEU1KvQkmvTEcBjhMn5Q https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDADgfCrdGA https://www.facebook.com/HoyMusic

Artist: NewClue New Release: Homeless Genre: Hard Rock

Located in: New London CT,USA

This song is about homeless people & families & how it can happen to anyone! The music we are creating is relatable. We try keeping it real, by dealing with life's everyday struggles. There's always a price to pay for your actions. This campaign is so timely with the rebirth of yesteryear's Rockers and widespread revival tours. In our opinion, the 80's music was an expression; one that left a strong impact on a lot of us today. Everything has a way of coming full circle, and we see the 80's sound returning, but with a fresh reboot. We are CLASSIC ROCK REBORN with a NewClue. We sound like a big hair metal band with a little of today's song formatting (Shorter intros… BANG into the song). Our songs are little stories. They make you think ! If you like 80's and/or 90's metal/hard rock (Iron Maiden, Queensryche, AC/DC, Krokus, etc), you will bang your head to NewClue too.

Right now we are... Neil (our vocalist) has recently under going a Micro Laryngoscopy as he has Acid Reflux damage to his Vocal Cords. He has just recovered & we are writing again.

LINKS:  https://www.reverbnation.com/NewClue https://open.spotify.com/album/6v9VzmHOkUhoz6kfTaOv6T https://twitter.com/NewClue2 https://www.facebook.com/NewClueBand

Artist: Vovkulaka New Release: Purple Door

Genre: Metal/Dubstep

Located in: Odessa, Ukraine

This song is...  Think...Korn meets the Buddha...Vovkulaka takes you deep into the mystic realm of Buddhist meditation. Based on a true story of a band member who was taken into a meditative state and asked to open the Purple Door to achieve Bodhi(enlightenment)...However, the Demon 'Mara' makes this impossible...It is a Nu-Metal version of fear and temptation. It features spoken word, in Russian and English, from Naya G and JuleZ. In the end, darkness is chosen... https://open.spotify.com/track/2TzM4AsfwvIT9kE4AV7iSo?si=T5DzEnIFQU-g6wlXY6zWDg

The music we are creating is... Dark - Angry - Evil Metal. Most important, this is the first Vovkulaka track to Feature Naya G and JuleZ. Right now we are we are working on our CD featuring all our Singles!

LINKS:  Twitter.com/VovkulakaMusic Facebook.com/VovkulakaFanPage Instagram.com/VovkulakaMusic



Artist: Then Falls The Sky New Release: Letting Go

Genre: Metalcore

Located in: Bainbridge, Ohio

This song is... ’Letting Go’ is a song about not letting your past define your future. Letting go and living in the present.

The music we are creating is... Energetic and hopeful. This be EP is holding nothing back and L etting Go is a great look at what is to come.

Right now we are... Recording a new EP for this summer. We are very excited about 2019.

LINKS:  RN : https://www.reverbnation.com/thenfallsthesky/song/30469800-letting-go Spotify : https://open.spotify.com/album/6wFIcwmfhGMo9Ya2BBmMJD?si=mVEdq-sxS7u4bJJk94ZHhw  Twitter : @thenfallsthesky Facebook : www.facebook.com/thenfallsthesky Instagram : @thenfallsthesky

Artist: The Soul Exchange

New Release: Right Here

Genre: Heavy Metal / Melodic Metal

Located in: Stockholm, Sweden

This song is...  The Soul Exchange is a Swedish melodic metal band that mixes Classic Hard Rock with a contemporary Metal sound. They have taken influences from the 70’s Hard Rock scene and created their own style of Metal infused, guitar driven hard rock, with great attention to the melodies and grand vocal arrangements. "Right Here" is a song that represent the essence of The Soul Exchange with heavy guitar riffs and a grand vocal chorus.

The music we are creating is... "Right Here" is the 2nd single from the latest album "Edge of Sanity", and it is representative for what the band is all about, heavy guitar riffs coped with melodic vocal lines and grand vocal choruses.

Right now we are... The band is currently working on new songs for an upcoming 3rd album, with a tentative release late in 2019, combined with playing live gigs as they come.

LINKS:  https://open.spotify.com/album/2qc0gMUWLoLntd8yh9CbXG?si=iEFfONOkR4SR54lcPteanQ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/soulexchangeofficial Twitter: https://twitter.com/soulexchange1 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thesoulexchangeofficial

Artist: Ascent

New Release: Beacon Eleven

Genre: Rock, Alternative Rock, Hard Rock, Melodic Rock

Located in: Lake Forest, California

Ascent is a duo disrupting the Southern California live music scene by producing the sound of a full band with only two people. Part organic and part machine, darkened with fragments of light. This new single is heavily influenced by 70’s prog rock and 80’s metal and includes heavy guitar (PRS), hard-hitting rhythms (Roland V) and pleading, turbulent vocals.

Their New release ‘Beacon Eleven’ is takes the listener on a fantastic voyage placing you in the story, lost at sea and then relegated to a life alone on a desert island. One day you are rescued only to befall a horrible fate upon your return to civilization.

It is a heartbreaking tale of strength, triumph and tragedy. It asks if you are all alone and if so can you survive alone.

LINKS: https://www.reverbnation.com/ascent/song/29330494-beacon-eleven https://open.spotify.com/album/6stTDHL41teaaSHyGOCxOv?nd=1 https://www.twitter.com/ascentrocks https://www.facebook.com/ascentrocks https://www.instagram.com/ascentrocks

Artist: Cabela and Schmitt

New Release: Messin' With My Mind

Genre: Rock

Located in: Colorado and Nebraska USA

This song is... We are a trio of song makers who are attempting to provide as much music as we can for our current fans and the new to come. We've been writing songs for a long, long, but a couple of years ago we decided we should share our inspirations with other ears besides our own. Since then we have shared 7 releases with over 170 songs.Messin' With My Mind is a 70's/80's sounding rock song about a relationship that has emotional questions about its course.

The music we are creating is... This song is one of many we will share in the next few months/years, as one of our goals is to share swiftly and often the inspirations we are continually receiving. We hope to use AVA as one of the many tools to reach the people who might enjoy what it is we do. We are so grateful for the opportunity.

Right now we are... Putting the finishing touches on a new album set to be released April 15th

LINKS:  https://open.spotify.com/track/6nrQmpsN5hSXNb0P8P7EII?si=pgExLWz5TuGRf0BrIC1c4w https://twitter.com/CabelaSchmitt https://www.facebook.com/cabelaschmittmusic https://www.instagram.com/cabelaandschmitt http://www.cabelaandschmitt.com

Artist: Thomas Thunder New Release: Lily

Genre: Progressive Rock Pop

Located in: Fairhaven, Ma

This song is... "Lily" is an Instrumental Progressive Rock Pop song with strong percussive elements. It has an uplifting tempo that's fun to dance to.

The music we are creating is... The music Thomas creates continues to be in the Progressive genre, primarily with strong rock overtones. This song is a little different in that it has a pop feel to it with the dance tempo and the varying percussion throughout. There are genre changes within the song, which gives it a Progressive label, so to speak, and there are rock elements as well. Not being restricted to a certain genre is what inspires Thomas to gravitate towards the Progressive genre.

Right now we are... Thomas is excited about creating a digitally animated video for the song 'Lily'. He's also planning on entering the Eventide Theater Songwriting competition for the second year in a row.

LINKS:  https://www.instagram.com/thomasthunder11 https://twitter.com/ThomasThunder10 https://soundcloud.com/user-930498945

Artist: Mick J. Clark

New Release: Me My Body And I

Genre: Rock

Located in: United Kingdom

This song is... Screw my music, I want Kids to stop Self Harming, and hopefully being 'Empowered' by listening to this song I wrote for them.

To know that children are Self Harming, with some children even committing suicide breaks my heart. Children shouldn't be feeling they need to do this to themselves. My song is a 'message' to children, to Empower them. To eradicate Mental Health problems you must make the 'Root' of society, ( the children ), better educated and more knowledgeable about the pitfalls, the traps and the many ways that 'adults' will try to psychologically screw your young lives up, and then 'adults' spend millions trying to put it right.

LINKS:  https://www.reverbnation.com/control_room/artist/3437780/songs https://open.spotify.com/album/0qg64Qc6oSgZg7z8kA3XV3?si=DSHTr4AwQca7Wqx7OP1kPw https://soundcloud.com/mickjclark/me-my-body-and-i

[thedockpharmacy]

All You Need To Know About Acid Reflux & Heartburn

All You Need To Know About Acid Reflux & Heartburn

Sometimes, you go through a lot of health and wellness related problems, but you simply don't understand concerning a few of them. Sometimes, you are incapable to describe them or even discuss them to your doctor, but ultimately, you go through it; you struggle with it! I am here to inform you regarding among the most typical health relevant problem, which a great deal of individuals experience, but are not able to recognize till the intensity of the issue reaches its maximum elevation. I am speaking about heartburns or acid reflux. Check out list below to find out about this problem thoroughly:

- What is Acid Reflux or Heartburn?

It is nothing, however a burning sensation or pain felt around the lower upper body location. There is no specific time when you go through this problem; it could take place practically whenever, also when you go to job or resting idle. It takes place when the stomach acid crawls back into the food pipeline. Since the entire process turns the other way around, you really feel these horrible painful experiences around your heart. The burning feelings are commonly referred to as heartburns.

- Exactly what are the causes of  Acid Reflux or Heartburn?

There are a great deal of causes that result in this issue; several of one of the most typical ones are: o Hiatal rupture, in which the LES (Lower Esophageal Sphincter) and also the upper area of the stomach crawl above the diaphragm, which is absolutely nothing, yet a muscle mass that maintains the stomach far from the chest. This is the muscular tissue that keeps the acid in the stomach. Nonetheless, when you have a hiatal hernia, the acid moves into the esophagus, due to which you obtain the ugly 'heartburns.'. o When you eat way too much or eat greater than your regular cravings (simply to suffice the cravings of your tongue), you are bound to go through the issue of acid reflux.

o Obesity is just one of the most usual root causes of acid reflux. o When you skip your meals or eat untimely, heartburns pull you down. o Expecting women are bound to struggle with heartburn. o Smokers are frequently seen experiencing this issue greater than the non-smoking crowd in the world. o There are certain medicines that increase the acid levels in the stomach, bring about heartburn. - What are the symptoms of Acid Reflux or Heartburn? The symptoms of Acid Reflux or Heartburn include: A burning pain that wakes you in the night, causing you to feel tired in the daytime. A general feeling of being unwell. o There is a constant 'heartburning' or a dreadful painful pain-like feeling near the chest area or even the back of your throat or oesophagus. The minute you experience such a problem, get it examined by a good physician; indigestion can make you endure a whole lot, if it is not treated in time. o You commonly have a sour or bitter taste in your mouth or back of the throat, without consuming anything. This is absolutely nothing, however a typical sign of acid reflux. o If your tummy bloats frequently, particularly if you have actually eaten a moderate amount of food, it is a sign of heartburn. o Bitter-burps. o Really feeling of having the food stuck in the throat area. o Shortness of breath. o Hideous hiccups, which do not appear to be vanishing. o Constant nausea, in spite of doing various things to obtain rid of it. o Unintentional weight-loss. o Aching throat. o Dry dough. - Exactly how does acid reflux influence your day-to-day life? If you undergo serious acid reflux, you are bound to deal with a lot of difficulties in your everyday life activities. You may have dreadful heartburns at the office, as a result of which you are incapable to focus on all those points that you want to do to advance. Heartburning experiences can be poor enough to spoil your state of mind. Unless you obtain utilized to the sensation, you are just not able to ignore or avoid them. A lot of individuals with indigestion issues are frequently noticed experiencing the issue of the state of mind swings. You could have dreadful battles with your partner, due to the fact that you are not able to do points that you are anticipated to. Occasionally, you can't consume the important things that you like, in spite of your desires for the same. For an instance, even if you like spicy food, the heartburn problem will not allow you to enjoy the very same. Acid Reflux or Heartburn Can Lead To More Serious Health Problems It can be a sign of something more serious Rarely, heartburn can be a sign of a more serious medical problem. See your GP if your symptoms do not improve after 14 consecutive days of treatment or if you have any of the following symptoms: Chest pain with light-headedness, sweating, dizziness or shoulder pain with shortness of breath Vomiting food or blood Passing black stools Weight loss for no apparent reason Pain or other problems swallowing Pain or signs of indigestion such as nausea or bloated feeling after eating You are over 55 and have new or recently changed acid reflux symptoms.

- The Best Tips To Reduce Acid Reflux or Heartburn?

o Chew chewing gum. o Maintaining your chin high and also staying clear of relaxing in the bed. o Keeping an eye on what you eat (prevent unhealthily and also deep fried products) and also the amount of food you eat. o Eating bananas to calm down the experiences. o Don't wear extremely tight clothes, which do not permit you to take a breath properly. o Avoiding alcohol and also cigarettes.

Treatment Of Acid Reflux and Heartburn

Antacids - Antacids are medicines that counteract (neutralise) the acid in your stomach to relieve indigestion and heartburn. Types of antacid are available Gaviscon Milk of Magnesia Maalox Kolanticon Rennie 2. H2 blockers - It works by preventing your stomach from producing too much acid thereby decrease acid production. Products Available Zantac 75 Relief 3.  Proton pump inhibitors reduce the amount of acid your stomach makes. Nexium Control 20mg Tablets Nexium Control Capsules 20mg Pantoloc Control 20mg Tablets   Gastroesophageal reflux disease Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), also known as acid reflux, is a long-term condition where stomach contents come back up into the esophagus resulting     Read the full article

[rynnvstill]

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year family and friends! We’ve made it to 2018!!! 

I’m so happy and thankful to the Lord to see another year and with new years comes renewed refocus and new goals to achieve. Before I get into the gaze ahead for 2018, I would like to reflect on 2017.

I mentioned on my FB that 2017 wasn’t my best year for me and my family. There were some ups but mostly downs.  It wasn’t a bad year but it was an extremely hard one. There were things I faced in 2017 that made me plant my face in my hands and cry “God, why me?!” Thankfully God was with me all the way even though many times I felt very alone. Everything was challenged. 

Mommy Blues

Oct 6th 2016 I became a new mommy to a beautiful baby girl. The beginning was really rough. I had a C section and could barely hold Naomi because I was in so much pain. I had a hard time using the bathroom ( which I found out later was normal). Trying to recover from my C section and learning how to take care of newborn was very challenging and it took a tole on me. Naomi also had acid reflux in the beginning and a stomach virus around four or five months. On top of all that, there was a 50% chance that I’d pass my hereditary pain epilepsy to her, so we had to constantly in and out of  doctors for her.

 It turns out that she does have the same pain condition as me but we’re working with the neurologist to get her treated. Once we figured out she had the condition, things got a little bit easier because we knew how to care for her to prevent her from having a pain episode.  eventually, the acid reflux went away as well. 

After my 8 weeks of maternity leave, I was cleared to go back to work and I was not happy about that. I wanted noting more than to be home with my baby but instead I had to have other women watch her. I hated the idea of sitting at work some days doing nothing while someone else was playing with her and caring for her. Between feeling guilty about passing the pain condition to her and now leaving her with other women to watch her, I develop postpartum depression. 

I needed a new job

Being a working mom became easier around the time Naomi was 8 months (I know...it took me a while to adjust) but from time to time (mainly when I had nothing to do) I felt guilty about leaving her with other women.  I didn’t get along with one of the women I worked with and I was paying a very high rate to park at my job. The lack of opportunity and abusive treatment prompt me to start looking for another job.

When I started working at the law firm back in 2015, I was very excited. I felt like it was a step in the direction of a real career. I was hoping to learn and move up. That was not the case at all. From day one the lady who “trained me” pretty much set me up to fail. I really felt like she was trying to get me fired. I was told she was my supervisor but later she expressed to me that she wasn’t my supervisor. This confused and upset me because she had a lot of say in my review and work performance. She never had anything nice to say about me and she would let everyone know her frustrations with me. She half trained me, would get frustrated if I tried to ask her a question, would talk about me to other people in the finance department and complain about me to my supervisor. She never told me when i made a mistake; she would just fix it and tell me I made a mistake. I don’t know why this lady gave me such a hard time to this day and i’ll never know but that’s ok. 

Don’t get me wrong, there were blessing from the job. My supervisor was very helpful with my doctors appointments and setting me up for my maternity leave. She even threw me a baby shower. However, the good always came with the a bad moment at this job. The woman who “trained me”  treated me pretty bad when I was pregnant. She didn’t come to my baby shower  or sign the card that was  given to me ( which was fine, I didn’t really care about that). But when  I came back from maternity leave, she thought it was a good idea to give me dirty old baby socks, a dry rotted binky, and used teething toys from her 11 year old granddaughter. I’m 28 years old so I don’t have time for drama, keep it to yourself.

 Enduring harassing situations like my lovely co-workers baby gift, on top of stressing over my expensive parking situation ($25 a day), it took a tole on my health.

Sick Days

Between Naomi and I we have had our share of doctors visits over the course of 2017. For me, it started back in March of 2017. I would get this horrible pain under my right rib around the time of my period. I notice it would start when I would take the white pills in my birth control pack. After I had to be rushed to the hospital in July when the pain got worse, the ER doctor swore that my birth control was not the cause of the pain and that my gallbladder needed to be removed.  Before I was going to  let Chestnut Hill hospital cut me open, I wanted to get a second opinion from the hospital i had Naomi at so, off to Lankenu I went. 

They conducted two test on my gallbladder and concluded that my gallbladder was functioning find. I was advised to see a GI doctor. At this point, I thought I was dying but my GI doctor told me I wasn’t dying, that I was just very constipated. Relieved (no pun intended), she explained to me that the pain I was feeling was trapped gas and stool trying to get around a corn of my GI track (interesting but how did I get so constipated?). She told me that after having deep abdominal surgery (C section), extra hormones (from the birth control), period constipation and add everyday stress (taking care of a baby, working, bills, ect.) that’s how you get extremely constipated. 

She made me do a cleanse but it didn’t work. I conducted a test of my own in October, my prescription for my birth control expired and I didn’t renew it. I wanted to see if I was right all along. If I’d stop taking it, would the pain go away. You won't believe it but that pain has not come back and I'm regular again. (TMI I know but it’s important to the story.)

Still looking for work

At this point I'm depressed because I want nothing more than to leave the law firm. Many so I don’t have to pay for parking but also because the lady I worked with was so abusive towards me in a passive aggressive sort of way too (worse case). She went from ignoring me to pushing work on my when my other co worker went out on disability. 

I was aggressively looking for another job. I had two interviews with a real estate company in Wayne PA but to this day I’m still waiting to hear back from them to know if I got the job or not. I’m pretty sure they went with someone else (I hope) but an email of decline would’ve been nice ( I think it was because I’m brown). 

I laid myself at the feet of the Lord and was honest with Him. I told Him I couldn’t work at this law firm anymore. I could keep paying for parking because it wasn’t helpful to my family. I was honest with him about the lady I worked with, that I had a hard time not hating her. I was just raw before the Lord and honest. Just like David, He heard my cry. Another real estate company reached out to me for AR position in Bryn Mawr, Pa. I had two interview with them (which made me nervous because of the last place) but this time they made an offer and I said yes!

Yes, ladies and gents, I started a new job. I don’t have to pay for parking and so it’s way better than the law firm. 

Closing the book on 2017

There were other crazy events that happened in 2017 but, this blog is getting pretty long and I want to talk about somethings I’m praying God will help me with for 2018. There were great memories of 2017 that I enjoyed very much but like I said the hard times were rough. I thank God he helped me thorough and one of the greatest lessons I’ve learn from 2017 is to trust in the Lord, rest in His grace, and bare it all to Him. He’s truly my help.

Now on to 2018

I’m totally excited about 2018. It started on NYE. I had one of the best NYEs I’ve had in a while. Charlie and I stayed home. After we put Naomi to bed, we played video games until it got closer to midnight, we had some sparkling wine, we counted down to midnight, we cheers, and had our midnight kiss. It was at that moment that I felt hopeful. Like I could feel the Lord wrap his arms around me and His peace filled my heart. It’s going to be a good year. 

Goals

I usually don’t make goals because I feel like anymore, it’s hard to keep them but this year I want to make goals. With these goal, it’s not just for 2018. These goal will be started in 2018 but will continue to grow and develop as the years progress Lord willing. Here are my goals starting 2018:

Art- yes, it’s time to get back into it but up a notch. I’ve purchased artist paints, i’ve been studying art online and practicing and now it’s time to get it done. I have a list of painting and pieces I want to get started this year and I will have an art show once i get a good portion of my work done. I would like to get some prints made and get my art on T-shirts and cups. I would like to start a website where my art is sold and also blog about them on here.

School- I’ve finally decided to go back to school but I’m keeping my major a secret until I finalize where i’m going. It will be a Masters degree. I’m really excited for what the Lord will do through me with this major. I’ll keep you posted with this

Blog- last but not least, I will be blogging again but different. I will write from time to time but I also want to get back into making videos. I will be blogging about spiritual books i’m reading, podcast i’m listening to, my read through the Bible, art pieces i’m working on and how they relate to the Word, I’ll talk about fictional books i’m reading and some funny family stories. 

Conclusion

Guy, I’m so excited for 2018! Keep me in your prayers and I’ll keep you in mine. Until next time, may the Lord keep you in His perfect peace, in Jesus Name, Amen! 

[thealmightyrage-blog1]

The hits just keep on coming

My daughter was illegally removed from my legal custody by Stone County social services in Missouri on Feb 6th 2017. When I finally got to visit with her and go to her doctor's appointments, I found out that the plastic surgeon who worked on her also doubled as a miracle worker.  You almost couldn't tell anything happened to her.  Due to the fact that I failed to vaccinate my dog for rabies, they forced my daughter to undergo a series of rabies shots; the case worker actually told me he wanted me at those appointments to teach me a lesson about rabies.  It was actually meant to torture me I think.  Don’t get me wrong, they gave her the shots in the leg, but after the entire trauma my daughter and wife and I had endured, this was almost too much to bear.  My daughter was suffering because the state had turned my dog aggressive.  My daughter's birthday was March 14th and my wife and I demanded DHS acknowledge that as a special day, we were only supposed to get an hour a week of visitation.  Not only did we get two hours on her birthday, we were able to take our daughter to a place of our choosing, provided DHS was supervising.  We took her to an absolute perfect place for a child her age.  It seemed like every time we saw her, the provisional placement told us something new that had developed.  An ear infection, allergies, GERD, acid reflux, it was always something new.  The home my daughter stayed in was clean than a hospital and I doubt my daughter was ever exposed to anything, so naturally she was always sick.  DHS loved it when she was sick, they could use that information against me somehow.  It didn't work through but it was frustrating to see my daughterunnecessarily sick all the time.   Due to some pieces of shit my mother in law lived with, she had to move out of the house she had been living in for about 8 years and move about 60 miles away.  It was late March when the last of her stuff was packed into my truck and I was finally headed home with an empty truck around 7pm on March 20th, my night was go from fantastic to absolutely horrible.  The first time I got pulled over that night, the Fayetteville cops told me I had a tail light out, ok no big deal, give me a warning and on my way I go.  It was somewhere between Hindsville and Goshen I believe that Officer dick face pulled me over.  It was around 8pm or so and I would later learn that I had my day time running lights on at night, I had only driven that truck a few times and almost never at night.  I had no idea there was a setting for night time lights, I just figured the lights sucked.  Just before I had gotten pulled over, I swerved to avoid hitting a black truck with no headlights or tail lights on.  The inbred country cop that pulled me over said that somebody called in an erratic driver matching my truck's description and that I was "swerving all over the road"  He asked me the routine questions that any logical cop would ask, have you been drinking, are you on anything etc.?  He asked me to a field sobriety test, which I agreed to, knowing I had balance issues to begin with.  I later came to believe that agreeing to this stupid test was a mistake; I cannot walk a line heel to toe because that is an un-natural way to walk, I mean who walks like that?  I was unable to stand on one leg for more than ten seconds at time, however had he asked me to touch my nose and lean back, recite the alphabet backwards, I could have done it.  I was stone cold sober; my wife had been with me the entire day so she can testify that the only drug I had taken was caffeine.  They found the energy drink in my truck.  They asked to search my truck, now I hadn't owned this truck for long but I knew for a fact that it was clean, so I said sure.  They obviously found nothing.  The asshole still wasn't satisfied.  He asked me to go to the Sheriff's department with him to take a field sobriety test, apparently in his neck of the woods, they don't have portable blowers anymore, they use some sophisticated shit now.  So, I went with him, he left my wife and truck on the side of the road in Hindsville, at about 9pm.  What a great cop this guy was.  I got down to the Sheriff's department and they did they're stupid test; they have you blow into a straw twice, for verification purposes.  I blew .000 twice.  OK, so no alcohol.  Then, they get this guy who looks like a former junkie reject from Blink 182 to ask me all sorts of questions, what kind of drugs I was taking; they think I am on something blah blah blah.  He is not a certified drug guy and they tell me they are going to take me down to Fayetteville to undergo more tests, take a piss test, which I agreed to and it was just a formality.  I take the piss test and perform some more tests and then country cop and city boy have a pow wow.  They still think I am on something, like a stimulant or something.  (Caffeine is a stimulant, a legal one mind you) They transport me from Fayetteville back to Huntsville and then inform me at around midnight on March 21st they were charging me with DWI-drugs and careless or prohibited driving.  By this time, my wife and mother in law had showed up and then were PISSED!  They told my wife, the piss test could take several weeks and unless they came up with $800, I might sit there for a few weeks until my piss came back clean.  Meanwhile, my wife is scrambling to find a bail bondsman, crying, screaming and is honestly more upset than I am.  I spent about 12 hours in jail so they could monitor me and I was released on a PTA on March 21st.  I am glad my wife didn't waste any mind on these hick ass bastards who had kidnapped me.  It wasn't until June that I got to go before a judge and my public defender presented me with the piss test, oh my god I actually tested positive for something.  Caffeine.  Now, if you thought the cop was a cock sucker, the prosecutor must have been his mentor.  Even when presented with obvious evidence that I was under the influence of nothing that would have impaired my ability to safely drive a car, he actually asked the judge if I could have had enough caffeine in my system to impair me, the judge actually laughed at him.  Sadly, in Arkansas, a charge of DWI cannot just be dropped; you must stand and receive a verdict.  This could not be done in June since the forensic toxicologist who tested my piss was not in court and could not be in court until my next court date which is tomorrow, July 13, 2017.  This fat slob of a prosecutor saw fit to waste tax payer dollars carrying on a case for almost 4 fucking months when obvious evidence of my innocence was right fucking there!!!  Of course, DHS used this against me.  At the time, my wife was getting two hours a week of visitation to see our daughter; I was only allowed one because it was assumed that I was guilty of taking drugs and driving erratically.  It was only after I got the clean piss test back in June, which I copied and sent to DHS that they started to change they're tune.  Related to the felony charge bullshit, I go to court on July 17, 2017 for that.  It has been rumored that the prosecutor in that case will offer my wife and me a deferral.  We don't plead guilty or pay fines and if we stay out of trouble for a year, the charge will be dismissed.  I have been told that this prosecutor is not a fan of DHS.  I know I leave a lot of holes in my stories so if people reading this have questions, please feel free to interact with me.  I am not a professional author so if I jump around a lot, it is because I am telling these stories from personal experience and I choose what I write.  How it comes out may not be pretty but it is the sad truth.  In the next edition of my blog, I will describe reunification, how it felt, the obvious signs of trauma when she finally was allowed to come home and DHS excuses.  Until next time Blessed be. https://www.facebook.com/One-after-another-1387559854882114/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel https://www.gofundme.com/andrewandchrissy

[memyselfandjen]

I stopped throwing up at night, and you can too

That title is completely accurate.

For the last several years, I have suffered from horrible acid reflux.  While I didn’t seem to have any issues during the day, bedtime had become my enemy.  Despite prescription strength medication and stock in my favorite chewy-antacid, I would still end up with reflux as soon as I went to bed.  The kind that sends burning acid up my throat and filled my mouth with bile.

Nice visual, huh?

Then I discovered MedCline and now I sleep like a baby! MedCline is an acid reflux treatment solution that is clinically proven to be more effective than standard bed wedges or risers at reducing the symptoms of acid reflux/GERD such as:

Heartburn

Regurgitation

Coughing

Choking

Nausea

Gestational (pregnancy) reflux

and many other reflux related symptoms.

I’m sure you are asking yourself the same thing I did – how does a PILLOW make your night time acid reflux go away so you can sleep peacefully?  I’ve been sleeping sitting up or propped up forever, and that still didn’t prevent me from waking up in the middle of the night with reflux problems.  But MedCline?  That’s a whole different animal.

Did you know that how you sleep directly affects how you reflux throughout the night? By comfortably creating and maintaining the ideal sleep position for natural relief, MedCline makes refluxing virtually impossible by positioning your lower esophageal sphincter (LES) above your stomach. If reflux does occur, gravity quickly returns the refluxed acid to your stomach, minimizing prolonged acid exposure that can lead to serious health consequences, if left untreated.

Ok – but what does that MEAN??  For me, it means that laying on this glorious wedge with a CUT OUT FOR YOUR ARM so you aren’t thrashing your shoulder and neck trying to prop yourself up, and its equally amazing body pillow, are just about the greatest things that I’ve ever allowed in my bed at night.

*cough cough*

In all seriousness, MedCline has made SUCH a difference in my life it’s really hard to believe.  I’ve had my system for almost three months now, and I have been able to wean off one dose of my reflux medication, and my neck and shoulder are not messed up AT ALL.  I love how much happier and well rested I am because I am not sleeping upright in a chair, trying to prop myself up on my side in bed with twelve pillows trying ANYTHING to make the reflux stop so I can just get an hour of sleep, and – the worst – waking up with a mouth full of vomit.

When studied head to head vs. a standard wedge, MedCline was proven to be significantly more effective at reducing symptoms, reflux episodes, esophageal acid exposure and was rated twice as comfortable. Plain and simple, MedCline works better!

What does MedCline do that makes them different from other wedge pillows?

Inclines your entire torso, not just your head and neck.

Cradle-Loc design holds you in the ideal relief position without sliding down.

Unique arm pocket relieves pressure from your downside arm.

Therapeutic body pillow adds comfort and keeps you from rolling to your back.

Constructed with multiple types of polyurethane foams designed to last at least 5 years.

If you suffer from heartburn and acid reflux, I strongly encourage you to check out MedCline.  Especially if you are losing sleep.  This has been an absolutely game changer in my life.  Yes, I was given a MedCline to review for this blog post.  (More accurately, I reached out to MedCline and begged them to let me review it once I wandered around their website for 10 minutes and fell in love!)  But I waited almost 90 days to write this review because it was important to me to really get a feel for the product and understand if it was really working.  For the record – it didn’t take 90 days for me to notice the difference.  It took me 1 night.  ONE.  I went to bed with that familiar, belching up my dinner kind of feeling and thought “oh boy, it’s going to be a long night”.  I went to bed, made sure I was on my MedCline in the right position and I was OUT LIKE A LIGHT without any problems.

In the spirit of full disclosure, it’s not magical.  I mean it IS, but you get where I’m going with this.  It’s not making your bed for you when you get up in the morning! Twice I screwed up and ate something I absolutely wasn’t supposed to, when I wasn’t supposed to and not even the MedCline could save me from struggling.  I’ve discovered that frosting from my favorite cupcake store absolutely does not agree with me, because this was the cause BOTH TIMES.  It can’t help you if you chug a Diet Coke right before you get in bed.  Common sense, and the basics of heartburn 101 are still in play – especially no eating two to three hours before bedtime.  But overall?  I’m snuggled up to my MedCline every night when I go to sleep and it’s my new bed time BFF.

For more information about MedCline, check out this video:

And there is tons of information on their website about customizing your MedCline to fit your body height and weight, the clinical studies and doctor recommendations. If you are suffering at night from reflux, give MedCline a try.  You can follow them on social too – MedCline on Facebook and @MedCline on Twitter.

Disclosure:  MedCline was kind enough to send me a system to review for the last 90 days and talk about my personal experiences in this post. 

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