memyselfandjen

[memyselfandjen]

I Don’t Owe You Anything – Even At The Holidays

This time of year can be filled with stress, anxiety, self-doubt, and guilt if you have chosen to disconnect from parts of your family.  For me, I spent years trying to understand and accept the media-perfect images that I am continuously bombarded with this time of year are just fabrications of some marketing executive’s imagination; they are not the standard bearers for what it is SUPPOSED to be.  There is not something wrong with me if my holidays don’t look like those splayed out in every magazine, big box display, and Lifetime movie special.

I am not broken because my holidays don’t look like this.

As I have gotten older, I have removed more and more “toxic” people from my circle.  Most of them have been family members.  This isn’t just a product of getting older though; I’ve always operated under a set of rules to help me survive.  If you added value to my life, you stayed.  I put forth the effort because the relationship was impactful and positive to me in some way and hopefully it was the same for the other person in return.  If a person brought nothing but drama, distress and heartache?  I walked away.

With some people, I didn’t walk away for long.  Some of my family got more of my effort, my time, and my love than they ever realized or deserved in an effort to make it work.  Aren’t you SUPPOSED to have a relationship with your own mother?  Your brother?  Your remaining extended family?  I’ve learned over the years, through a lot of therapy and self work that no, you aren’t supposed to have a relationship with anyone that doesn’t value you as a human being.  Doesn’t respect your right to exist.  Isn’t interested in who you are as a person and what is important to you.  Those people don’t deserve your time and energy.

I’m not talking about arguing with your family over politics and the state of our world today, although I know many families are fracturing because of these topics now.  What I’m talking about here is the long-term tearing down of who you are as a person.  Those who would allow others to say the most vile untruths about you and not only permit it to happen, but blame you as bringing it upon yourself.  It doesn’t matter that we share DNA, I love myself more than to be subjected to that kind of abuse ever again.

I had a conversation with someone close to me recently about regrets.  She was curious why I didn’t make amends with some of these people in my life, concerned that if “something happened” I would have regrets about not speaking.  From her life perspective, it makes total sense.  I completely understand where she is coming from.  But no, I’m not opening those doors again.  I have nothing left to say.  And if tomorrow comes and they are no longer here?  I have no regrets.  A relationship is a two-way street, and my phone number hasn’t changed in twenty years.

This unapologetic as f*ck place that I now reside?  It was scary getting here.  It took a lot of work.  I had to let go of my ego and the ideas of what and who I thought I was and get to the bottom of why I was so unhappy and hurt.  And what life choices I had made because of that pain. I had to learn that I was worth being loved for who I wanted to be and who I really was deep inside.  I am not the person others decided I was, then dropped in the appropriate labeled box, slammed and locked the lid, and stuffed on a shelf to rot.

Nope.

I’m not the same person I was when my father died.  Most of my family disconnection happened after he passed, and while I know that I can stand in a place of absolutely certainty that I have grown and evolved since then, it does not require me to give those that turned their back on me then access to me now.  Or my children.

So if that means I don’t see my favorite aunt and uncle for Christmas dinner because there will be family members there that I no longer allow in my universe, then so be it.  If the relationship is important to both of us we will figure out a way to stay connected during the rest of the year.  A meal on the 25th of December does not a relationship make.

Chose yourself.  Chose your children.  Chose the people in your life that love you and accept you for who you are and appreciate the light and love that resides within you.  Let the guilt go, and remember that you don’t owe anyone a piece of yourself because the date on the calendar says you are supposed to.

  from I Don’t Owe You Anything – Even At The Holidays

[memyselfandjen]

Falling in love with Math at Mathnasium

It’s been 30+ years since I’ve taken a math class in school, and while I use math for budgeting and finances, I am not required to use anything more than basic math in my day-to-day life.  However, my girls are learning ALL THE MATH in school.  When they come home with questions, I am of no use to them because, a) I don’t remember how to do any of it and, b) its taught so differently now than when I was in school.  The motto back then?  You don’t need to understand it, you just need to accept it.  Over the years, educators have discovered that children actually grasp, learn and retain more math knowledge if they understand the WHY behind it. When my local Mathnasium approached me about providing additional instruction to both my girls in exchange for a few blog posts, I knew that this was an opportunity that I couldn’t pass up.

In case you aren’t familiar with Mathnasium, they are a neighborhood math-only learning center that teaches kids math the way that makes sense to them. Their experienced math tutors utilize a proprietary teaching materials and techniques, The Mathnasium Method™, to deliver a customized learning plan designed to address each student’s needs, whether they started out far behind or are already ahead in math. Their instructional approach goes beyond traditional math tutoring to develop understanding and build a love for math.

My kids are in two different places when it comes to math; our 6th grader is in accelerated math and has some of the highest math test scores in the state.  Mathnasium will create an enrichment plan for her that will make sure her fundamentals are strong, and then work on developing areas that she will be studying later on in the year (based on information I received after reaching out to her math teacher).  She is an avid student who loves school and is thrilled and excited to up her math game even more than it already is.

Our 3rd grader is having a harder time with math.  After switching to a computer-based testing model this year, her math scores have significantly gone down and I’m not sure if it’s that she doesn’t know the material or that the pressure of a timer on her every-day math practice amps up her anxiety and causes her brain to freeze.  It’s hard to tell.  But she’s struggling with basic addition right now, and Mathnasium couldn’t have come in to our lives at a better time.  (BTW, I recently learned from our Mathnasium staff that timed tests like this in math are not an effective way of measuring math competencies.  They don’t use them.)

Each child is evaluated with a written and verbal assessment unique to Mathnasium. Based on the assessment results, they create a custom program designed to help close educational gaps they may have and make it easier for them to jump ahead when they’re ready for advanced math challenges. Beyond teaching students all-important math concepts and skills, their special program helps them build number sense by showing them just how numbers work. As it progresses, students get more and more comfortable with numbers. Mathnasium calls this numerical fluency—the ability for elementary school kids to effortlessly recall addition and subtraction facts—a valuable asset when they face upcoming challenges in math.

I’m excited that each one of my daughters will receive exactly the math instruction they need for the level they are at.  And the instructors?  Our Mathnasium Roselle team is incredible!  They is a comprehensive exam that each of them have to pass just be hired at Mathnasium ~ and 75% of applicants (some of which are math teachers and aides) don’t pass!

For more information on Mathnasium and to find a location near you, check out the main Mathnasium website, and follow them on Facebook and Twitter.  If you’re local to me, you can also follow the Mathnasium – Roselle location on Facebook too!

Disclosure:  This post is sponsored by #MathnasiumIL and I have received services in exchange for writing this article.  All opinions and experiences are 100% my own.

from Falling in love with Math at Mathnasium

[memyselfandjen]

Get Healthy Without Dieting In The New Year

It’s almost the end of 2017, and one of the big goals when I selected a word of the year in January was to get control of my health.  By July, I had not done a very good job of that, but the entire #WhenGallbladdersAttack situation forced the issue.  It’s been almost six months since that happened, and I’ve come to an amazing realization.  Getting healthy as nothing to do with going on a diet, and everything to do with understanding food.

For those that aren’t familiar with gallbladder issues, here’s the deal.  Unless you’d like to have surgery (or it becomes absolutely medically necessary), drastic diet modifications are required to make your gallbladder your friend and not your enemy.  Despite many people just encouraging me to have it removed, it seemed like the easy way out.  I’d been traveling on the easy road regarding my health for quite some time.  Did I really want to remove a vital organ instead of do the work necessary?

Nope.

So I focused on what things I could do to get my gallbladder – and the rest of my body – back to a healthy place.  I focused on the food.

I started slow.  Remembering something that I had heard Bethenny Frankel say once about food, I realized that if I just ADDED in the good things I needed, then maybe I wouldn’t miss the things that I could no longer have.  I started with water, telling myself that I was not allowed to have my Caffeine Free Diet Coke until I had finished a liter of water every day.

It’s amazing how NOT thirsty for pop you are after you’ve had that much water during the day.  There were (and still are) some days that I don’t finish my water in time to have a pop.  Guess what?  I SURVIVE!  I knew that I wouldn’t do well eliminating everything I loved, that I needed to make a deal with myself for certain things.  It’s the same with Starbucks; I still have my beloved Very Berry every morning.  Just 8 ounces.  Not 32+.  In this, I discovered it was about compromise and moderation.

Some things just weren’t negotiable.  I can no longer eat dairy of any kind, fatty or fried foods.  The pain of a gallbladder attack just isn’t worth it.

I spent time watching documentaries and doing research about plant-based living and vegan / vegetarianism.   While controversial, I learned a lot from watching What The Health, and moved on through the food-based documentaries on Netflix and Amazon. The science and the common sense surrounding it all spoke to me.  It made sense that if most animals get their protein from plants, why were we eating the animals to get OUR protein?  Shouldn’t we just skip the “middlemen”, so to speak, and go right to the plants for proteins?

I started making more changes.  And as of writing this post, I’ve lost thirty pounds.

I have not counted a calorie or point.  Looked at a fat gram.  Weighed a piece of food.  Portioned or measured anything in to a container.  NADA

I eat as much as I want to, whenever I want to.  When I am hungry, I eat.  I eat a wide variety of food, and I am not bored with what I eat.  I do not feel deprived in any way.

Wanna know my secret to getting healthy without dieting?

It’s not really a secret.  I eat real food.  All the time.  If it grew in the ground, came from a plant or from a tree, I eat it.  I eat some variety of salad every single day, sometimes twice a day, and I’m crabby if I don’t.  There is no fried food, fast food, candy, or nonsense in my diet.  I eat rich, warm, crunchy, delicious food every day that isn’t going to play a part in killing me.  I have reduced my consumption of animal products to about 10% overall.  There are TONS of amazing proteins that have nothing to do with animals, and it’s been a really enlightening journey to discover them. And being in the vegan / vegetarian arena now is so much easier than it used to be because it’s more mainstream than ever.  There are entire stores and brands that are solely focused on creating amazing products to support this type of lifestyle.

I’ve created a page on Amazon that I’ve added some of my favorite discoveries, along with products and cookbooks that are my go-to’s in this new journey.  Take a look at Jennifer’s Amazon Store and let me know if you see anything that’s interesting or you have any questions about.  A lot of the products you see featured on this Amazon page, you can also see me actually putting to good use if you follow me at AFewGoodJens on Instagram.

I know the thought of not having your favorite cheesy pizza or that thick, New-York cut steak may make your head explode.  But I’m telling you that your body will feel better, your spirit will feel better, and your overall health will improve dramatically by shifting to a plant-based diet and removing as much animal proteins as possible.  A year ago, my liver enzymes and cholesterol were elevated.  They even told me I had a heart attack at one point.  Now everything is back within normal range and working its way back to the OPTIMAL ZONE.

I have done no exercise besides walking.  ZIP.  For the record, that’s the next thing to add to my healthy lifestyle (but that’s for another post!)

Even if you can’t go full vegan or vegetarian – reducing your animal product consumption can still have a significant impact on your long-term cardiac health.  As someone who has watched several family members struggle with cancers and cardiac problems, seeing the links to diet and these diseases was enough for me to get on board and make changes.

After all, how often do we hear about people getting sick from eating too many veggies?

from Get Healthy Without Dieting In The New Year

[memyselfandjen]

Go See Elf the Musical at the Paramount Theatre

Our home is filled with a bunch of blossoming theater lovers, and we as parents are happy to nurture that love every opportunity we get.  Living in the suburbs of Chicago makes it a little easier since there are always so many great shows to see.  It was extra exciting when we were asked to attend a performance of Elf The Musical this weekend at the Paramount Theatre in Aurora and share our thoughts.

Photo credit: Liz Lauren

Based on the hilarious 2003 Will Ferrell movie, Elf is one of those rare holiday shows that will have both kids and adults laughing, humming tunes like “A Christmas Song” and “Sparklejollytwinklejingley” for days.  If you’ve ever felt like you don’t belong, just be glad you’re not William “Buddy” Hobbes. When he was a baby, Buddy crawled into Santa’s sack of presents and was whisked away to the North Pole, where he lived as an elf for years. Buddy took joy in doing elf things, like making toys. But there was always something off. He towered over his fellow elves and just didn’t get cobbling. When Buddy learns he’s human, he goes in search of his father, a workaholic New York City publisher. Imagine Buddy’s horror when he finds out his real dad couldn’t care less about Christmas. But that won’t deter the infectiously cheerful wannabe elf from changing people’s hearts and minds.

Photo credit: Liz Lauren

I had NEVER SEEN THE MOVIE, so I had absolutely no idea what to expect. Although anything that was inspired by a Will Ferrel movie had me concerned about the humor level and my 9-year-old. While there are a few places that the humor is PG-13 (no swearing, just a few sexual innuendos) it seemed to go right over her head (our 12 and 14-year-old definitely caught it all).  The story is lovely, the staging and costumes are bright and festive, and the musical numbers are fun and easy to sign along with.  At no time were any of our kids bored or fidgety, which to me is the sign of a successful show that kids can attend!  It was a wonderful holiday show and I would strongly encourage everyone to head to the Paramount and check out Elf The Musical before it leaves on January 7th.

As an added bonus, members of the cast (Buddy, Jovi, Santa Claus, Mr. Hobbs, and the Macy’s Store Manager) all took a few minutes after their amazing performance to say “Hi” to the kids and take pictures.

Thanks to Kyle Adams, Samantha Pauly, Roger Mueller, Michael Accardo and Jonathan Butler-Duplessis!

Elf The Musical is at the Paramount Theatre in Aurora from now until January 7, 2018.  The Paramount Theatre, 23 E. Galena Blvd. in the heart of downtown Aurora, is the center for performing arts, entertainment and arts education in the second largest city in Illinois. The 1,888-seat Paramount Theatre is nationally renowned for the quality and caliber of its presentations, historic 1930s Art Deco beauty and superb acoustics.  And with a two-story Christmas tree in the center of Paramount’s lobby, thousands of sparkling lights adorning the banisters and carolers filling the air with song, Paramount has become the place where families head for unforgettable holiday experiences.

And we managed to snag a family holiday picture!

For more information on how to take your family to see Elf The Musical this holiday season at the Paramount Theatre (I highly recommend it!), you can check out the Paramount’s website, and make sure to follow them on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

Disclosure:  This post was sponsored by Elf The Musical and the Paramount Theatre.  All thoughts and opinions are 100% my own.

from Go See Elf the Musical at the Paramount Theatre

[memyselfandjen]

Kids (and Moms) love SmartyPants® Vitamins + Giveaway

If your family is like mine, vitamins are a bit of a challenge.  For me as well as the girls.  Either they taste great and are full of less vitamins and minerals and more sugar and fillers (yuck!) or they are full of great vitamins and minerals and the taste is something to be desired.  We have struggled for years to find something that meets both requirements; tastes good AND is full of essential vitamins and minerals without all of the yucky stuff.

Enter SmartyPants®

The SmartyPants® people focus on including the nutrients that seem to be hardest for some people to get consistently from food, acquiring the best possible forms of those nutrients, and combining them all into one gummy that’s so tasty you may never forget to take your vitamins again!  SmartyPants® may appear sweet and simple, but they are some serious and sophisticated gummies. And they didn’t get that way by accident. They stand behind the science, research, and quality of everything that goes into their gummies, and they freely share information about their Testing Process, the quality of their Manufacturing Process, and Certificate of Compliance for the rigorous testing that each gummy goes through on the SmartyPants® website, along with a full Nutrient Guide of all the vitamins included in the gummies, why we need it and why it is included.

Photo courtesy of SmartyPants®

As a mom who strives to keep a non-toxic home, I am always look for companies that are good for my family and meet this challenge.  In addition to everything above, SmartyPants® vitamins are also:

GMO Free

NO Synthetic Colors

NO Artificial Flavors

NO Preservatives

NO Salicylates

Yeast Free

Wheat Free

Milk Free

Egg Free

Soy Free

Gluten Free

Peanut Free

Tree Nut Allergen Free

Fish Allergen Free

Shellfish Free

Not to mention that we are at an age that orthodontia versus gummy vitamins becomes a real concern.  My youngest has had an expander and partial braces for the last six months and SmartyPants® Vitamins DON’T STICK TO HER DENTAL WORK!  I was thrilled to see that we did not have to bypass our favorite vitamins because of her orthodontia, and we’ve never had a problem with SmartyPants® vitamins sticking or pulling at her expander or brackets.

I’ve never been one to take vitamins because, let’s face it, adult vitamins are awful and usually taste horrible.  I’ve found myself for years stealing my kids gummy vitamins because it was at least SOMETHING and they always tasted better than any adult version that I could find.  With SmartyPants® having a line of vitamins for everyone in the family, I know have my own vitamins and I don’t have to steal from the kids.

SMARTYPANTS® GIVEAWAY

I really can’t say enough great things about this company, their philosophy, and the love they put in to their products.  I’m really excited that I get to share that love with you!  Head over to my Instagram Page to enter a GIVEAWAY. One winner will receive TWO bottles of their choice of either SmartyPants® Kids Complete vitamins or SmartyPants® Women’s Complete (or one of each) to try out! And be sure to follow the brand on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Pinterest.

Disclosure:  This post and giveaway are sponsored by SmartyPants® Vitamins and may contain affiliate links.  All thoughts and opinions expressed here are completely my own, and have not been influenced by this sponsorship.

from Kids (and Moms) love SmartyPants® Vitamins + Giveaway

[memyselfandjen]

Facebook, Messenger and Kids: The Ultimate Parents Guide (Revised)

I originally wrote this post in 2014 as part of a series on What Parents Should Know about popular social media platforms.  But it’s almost 2018, and Facebook (like Snapchat, Twitter, and Instagram) has changed rapidly over the years.  So has the way tweens and teens use it to communicate with each other.

Most of us have a Facebook account and use it regularly to keep in touch with friends and family.  Some savvy social professionals use Facebook as their primary marketing tool for their at-home businesses.  According to an article in Mashable almost 75% of teens were using Facebook back in 2014.  While that number today has dropped to 65%, it’s nowhere near the “Teens don’t use Facebook” conversations I routinely overhear parents having.

Yes, tween and teens absolutely use Facebook.  The differences between how kids and parents are using Facebook are astonishing, and hopefully this post will shed some light on how you can navigate Facebook like your kids, what to look for in their account, and how you can work to keep them safe while teaching them digital responsibility.

Top 5 Things Parents Should Know About Facebook

The minimum age to have a Facebook account is 13.  This is not when Facebook decided that your child is ready for social media, or that it is safe for them to do so.  This has everything to do with the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA), which prevents companies from collecting certain information from kids under 13. Rather than create an environment that protects kids from data tracking, Facebook and other websites and apps choose to restrict access to those under 13.

A first and last name and an email address are required to set up a Facebook account. 

Just because your child does not have a cell phone or a tablet, does not mean they don’t have Facebook.  Kids share technology, usernames and passwords to keep their activity away from their parents and keep their online life thriving.

Wi-Fi is free almost everywhere.  With Facebook being accessible on mobile and desktop (computer), kids do not need a data plan to use Facebook.  Most schools now require a child to have a personal computer for homework, and the content filters only last as long as the computer is on the school district wi-fi.  Once at home, the security isn’t in effect and kids are free to surf the net without restraint (unless you have security set up at home prohibiting them for access certain websites).

Just because your child has added you as a “Friend” on Facebook does not mean you will EVER see any content they publish or know what they are really doing.  First, you can post content on Facebook and mute people on your friends list or select content only to be seen by certain people.  So you will still appear on your child’s friend list, but you’ll never see anything they post on their Wall.  Second, the vast majority of what kids do is in the “Messenger” feature of the app; the private conversations between them and one other person.  These are not public and you as parents will never see this unless you are physically logged in to their account.

Parents Guide to Navigating Facebook

Facebook is THE most common social platform in use worldwide with 1.37 BILLION people on it every day.  I’m going to assume that the majority reading this post understand the basics of Facebook, and I’m just going to review ways in which tweens / teens are using the app in ways that are probably different from most parents use it for.

Posting Status Updates

  Most tweens / teens rarely post status updates on Facebook.  I call this “front-end using” and that’s not what they really have Facebook set up for.  Most of what you will see from them is when YOU or another family member tag them in something.  But original posting?  It’s not usually the norm.

However, they can post status updates and content and deliberately exclude you from seeing it.  In case you aren’t familiar with this feature, at the bottom right corner of the content creation box on Facebook, you’ll see a drop-down menu that says “Friends” or whatever your default is set to.  Clicking the arrow, and selecting “More” and “See All” will show you all of the pre-populated options you have to send content to, as well as mini groups and lists that Facebook has created for you as well as some you may have created a long time ago.  You can create a list of people (like your close friends, and exclude your family members) that you can create content for and no one else will ever see it.

You will not be able to see every post your tween / teen makes unless you are logged in to their profile directly.

Groups

  Just as you belong to different groups to keep in touch with the latest on your high school reunion, buy LulaRoe leggings, or network with local business professionals, your tweens/teens belong to groups too.  Except their groups have HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF MEMBERS from all over the world and they are basically online hookup groups.  Regular posts in these groups includes threads where kids post pictures of themselves to be judged and rated by the collective group, or to meet each other and then scoot off to Messenger to have private conversations which include exchanging pictures (clothed to completely nude), phone numbers, and then begin “dating” on Facebook.

All the while they have no idea who is REALLY behind the picture of the person they are communicating with.

You will not be able to see what groups your tweens/teens belong to unless you are logged in to their profile directly.

Parents Guide to Navigating Facebook Messenger

In my opinion, the worst thing Facebook has ever done is break Messenger out in to its own separate app on the mobile version.  (Actually creating Messenger at all was a disaster looking for a place to happen).  While on a desktop computer, you can use Messenger within Facebook.  This cannot be done on the mobile version and you need Messenger installed as a separate app in order to view the content and utilize the services.  I’m going to focus on utilizing Messenger on mobile devices, which is how most kids are using it.  However, all of the features that I’ll be talking about are found in the desktop version too.

First, understand that Messenger is competing with Snapchat for your kid’s attention.  So it has a lot of the same features that Snapchat does, but with a few added bonuses that kids are really taking advantage of.  And it’s easier to use.

Here are the key things to know about Messenger:

You login to Messenger with your Facebook Username and Password

There are 5 main areas in Messenger:  Home, People, a Camera for creating content, Games and Discover

Home

  Messages shows you every conversation that’s taken place.  These don’t go away.  You can search through all of it and look for pictures that have been sent back and forth, as well as inappropriate conversations.  As with Snapchat, partially nude, fully nude, and sexually explicit videos are being sent via this feature, along with frank conversations about anything and everything. If your child is involved with drinking, drugs, sex, gangs, bullying, or anything else that you can or cannot image that teens go through today, you’ll find it here.

Active shows the number of people who are currently on Facebook/Messenger at any given time and how to connect with that person.

Groups lists all of the group conversations that have taken place, whether the account holder has left them or not, and what was discussed

Calls will show a list of the PHONE CALLS that have been made via Messenger.  Yes, I said calls.  While this will show up here, it does NOT show up as an outgoing call in the phone’s call log.  Do you see the camera next to the person’s name and the phone?  Messenger allows you to make VIDEO CALLS as well (similar to Apple’s FaceTime feature), which also does not appear on the phone’s call log.  This is where it all goes south with tweens/teens.  They spend HOURS calling and video-calling people via Messenger.  Are they all people that they ACTUALLY KNOW?????????

People

  Message Requests.  This is where messages from people who you are NOT connected to on Facebook/Messenger go.  Once these messages are accepted, you are friends with this person on Facebook, and are now connected on Messenger.

Scan Code. This is the personal Messenger Code that Facebook has created just for the account holder to send people to add them to Messenger.  This is very similar to Snapcodes on Snapchat.

Find Phone Contacts / Invite People.  More ways that Facebook and Messenger can grab a hold of people in your telephone list and prompt them to join Facebook.  And Messenger.

Camera

  To start creating content in Messenger (called My Day) from this option by selecting the camera icon in the bottom center.  This will take you to a blank camera screen, and you’re ready to begin.

To create selfies with Facebook Filters, flip the camera feature around and touch in the middle of your face.  Then slide the filters that appear on either side of the circle in to the center.  You then scroll through and add them to your face, and when ready take a picture.

To take video, it’s very similar to working video on your phone.  Point and hold down the button for the length of the video you want to record.  You only have a short window on Facebook (similar to Snapchat) to record a video so keep that in mind.  Facebook works in vertical in this format, not horizontal, so don’t flip your phone.

To create non-picture based content, you can swipe the screen left to the “Write Something” option and a colored screen will appear.  You can change the background color, add text, or freehand draw.

Once you’ve taken your picture, video, or created your content and you are ready to post it, there are options.  You can add it to My Day, where it will appear in Messenger for 24 hours and you can see who views it, Send as Message to anyone that you are connected with in Messenger, or Save it to your Camera Roll to be used on another platform or text. You can also add stickers, text or emojis on top of it.

See what I mean about there being a lot of options regarding where to send content and none of it has to be where you, as a parent who is a Friend on Facebook, can see it?

Games

  There is a Games option within Messenger that allows tweens/teens to play arcade style games with EVERYONE that is signed in to the Messenger App, worldwide.  This is a great way for your kids to meet “strangers”.

Discover

  Similar to Snapchat, companies, brands and digital media companies are using Messenger to communicate with customers and potential customers in order to ultimately increase their bottom lines.  PayPal will now send you a confirmation of every transaction you make in Messenger.  Like a Business Page on Facebook?  You are now connected with them on Messenger and they can send you advertisements for products and services.  Plus there are categories like Entertainment and Health and Fitness that will send you motivational messages and celebrity updates via Messenger every day, like a personalized news source that you create yourself.  There are a dozen categories to choose from, and it’ll make suggestions to you based on your user habits in Facebook.

Next Steps for Parents

Messenger helps your kids to be sneaky.  It makes it EASY for them.  First, by allowing a secondary app to be required to view private conversations gives parents the illusion that if their child does not have Messenger, they aren’t having private conversations on Facebook.  Second, by allowing them to make phone and video calls without creating a trail in the phone’s call log.

Thanks, Facebook.

I know several parents that have uttered the phrase, “My tween/teen isn’t allowed to have Messenger.”  But they are allowed to have Facebook.  Weeks later it comes to light that they WERE using Messenger, they were just using it on their friend’s phone at school.

Did you know that you can have more than one account information stored on the Facebook App?  Yup.  So kids give their BFF their login/password and then share devices at lunch time, extra curricular activities, or sleepovers with those kids whose parents are “strict” and don’t allow them to have certain apps.  Just because you don’t see it happening doesn’t mean that it isn’t!  Did you notice that the majority of these features are not visible as a “Friend” on your child’s account but ARE visible if you are logged in as your child?  Or have their device and can see directly on their phone what they see, who they are connected to, who else is using their phone for their Facebook account, etc.?  It’s imperative that we not only monitor the “front end” use on social media, but dig in to the back end of these social media applications, understand how they work, and where the pitfalls and dangers are for our kids.

If you’re child is just heading down the “making bad choices” road on Facebook / Messenger, I’d recommend implementing the following guidelines:

Change the Facebook password to something that only you know

Adjust privacy settings.  Recommended privacy settings are:

Only you can see the phone number on the account.  Attach your phone number to your child’s account as well

Only you can see email associated with account

Only you can see birth year, Friends can see birth day

Only Friends can see location, work, and zip code information

Remove any third-party apps that have been used to log in to Facebook

Only Friends can see your Friends List

Only Friends of Friends can send you Friend Requests

Only you can see the people, pages and lists you follow

You do NOT want search engines outside of Facebook to link to your profile

For more information review the Privacy Basics tutorial on Facebook

Review all people on Friends list and remove anyone that is not a first-person friend.  No strangers, and definitely none of the opposite sex.

Discuss appropriate video and digital content. Talk about sexually explicit pictures and video and the personal and legal ramifications of sending this type of content.

Schedule time when your child can be on Facebook and sit with him/her to review the content they are receiving / seeing and discuss pros/cons

Set limitations on overall phone and computer usage

Lock down the wi-fi at your home; do not give your child the password.

Have computer time in a public part of the house; even for homework.

Do surprise checks on your child’s phone and computer.  I know of several teens who delete their Facebook / Messenger when their parents look at their phone, and then reinstall it after its given back to them.

Create and sign a cell phone / social media contract

If you begin to investigate Facebook / Messenger and discover that your teen has been engaging in risky / dangerous behavior, I’d recommend implementing the following guidelines:

Change the Facebook password to something that only you know

Physically take your child’s phone.  Get passwords for everything. Check what email account is linked to the app and start by gaining access to that email.  Gmail will unlock with a 6 digit code text to the cell phone, and then you can reset the password.

Review all people on Friends list and remove anyone that is not a first-person friend.  No strangers, and definitely none of the opposite sex.

Be willing to have a conversation with the parents of your children’s friends.  Let them know that you’ve found some disturbing things on your child’s social channels and they might want to check their own kid’s account.  This is TRICKY, I know.  Because a lot of people don’t have the time or the inclination to monitor social media and tweens/teens like it needs to be done.  They may not want to hear you.  Know that your kid may lose friends because of this and be okay with it.  Keeping your child safe is more important.

Therapy.  Remember a confident child with a good sense of self-worth and self-esteem typically will not engage in this type of behavior.  If you’re at this place with your kids, they are feeling pretty low as it is.  Support, encouragement, and an understanding that tomorrow is a new day with an opportunity for new choices is always my best advice.

Naked Photos.  If you find naked pictures on your child’s phone, DO NOT take screen shots and text them to yourself.  That’s distribution of child pornography.  Don’t go there.  Go through their entire Facebook / Messenger account until you are satisfied that you’ve got a handle on the extent of the issues.  Remember that you will probably never get the entire truth from your child at this point.  Understand that details are going to be sketchy until they figure out that you are prepared to find it ALL, and then maybe they will start opening up.  Lead with love, not yelling.  Understand that they may not have an answer to why; therapy may be the only thing that uncovers that.  Accept that at some point, once you have the big topics covered (sexual activity, drug use, alcohol use, bullying, self-harm, gang activity, criminal behavior) and know where your child’s participation level in each lays, it becomes rehash to continue to pour through everything.

Start putting a plan together for next steps and skills to move forward with the bullet points above.  A continued berating for the same type of behavior, ultimately, won’t serve a purpose other than to tear your child down more than they already are.

If this type of content is on Facebook, odds are its elsewhere.  Start looking at Snapchat and Instagram. There will be clues and conversations on other apps like HouseParty, Music.ly, and other places your kids are hanging out with their friends.

As a social media professional, it concerns me when I hear about parents allowing their kids to have access to social media without monitoring. It is imperative that we as parents not only understand the digital footprint our children are creating, but really understand how each of these platforms work ourselves. Don’t feel embarrassed to take a class to educate yourself on the ins and outs. The more educated you can be, the more of an equal conversation that you can have with your child and the more likely they are to be receptive to what you have to say.

Kids don’t need more “Friends”.  They need parents.

What are your thoughts? Are you currently doing any of the above steps?

from Facebook, Messenger and Kids: The Ultimate Parents Guide (Revised)

[memyselfandjen]

Snapchat and Your Kids: The Ultimate Parents Guide (Revised)

I originally wrote this post in 2014 to give parents an idea of what (then, relatively new) Snapchat was all about.  It was the fourth installment in a series on What Parents Should Know about popular social media platforms, after I did a deep dive in to Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. In case you are unfamiliar, Snapchat is an image and video sharing app that allows you to post things on a public wall for followers to see, or send private images / videos to specific individuals.  The original allure of Snapchat was that whatever you sent via the app would disappear within a few seconds of being read / reviewed.  And while yes, things do “disappear” from Snapchat, we’ve all learned that once posted in an app and sent to friends or strangers, it never really disappears.

In 2014, Business Insider shared that Snapchat had 30 million monthly users.  According to a May, 2017 article on Techmunch, Snapchat “only” has 166 million DAILY USERS.

I’m sure you have all seen the cute profile pictures with the filter of flower crowns or silly puppy ears.  Those are from Snapchat.  Not familiar?  Here’s my current profile on Facebook – taken while I was goofing around on Snapchat to update this post:

How Snapchat worked in 2014 and how (and what) Snapchat is used for now are two VERY different things.  While mainstream brands and digital media outlets are using it as content distribution tools, tweens and teens are using it primarily to send and receive sexually explicit images and video.

So, grab a chair and a cocktail if you need one, and let me walk you though exactly what you need to know about Snapchat so that you can properly monitor your kids.

Top 5 Things Parents Should Know About Snapchat

The minimum age to have a Snapchat account is 13.  This is not when Snapchat decided that your child is ready for social media, or that it is safe for them to do so.  This has everything to do with the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA), which prevents companies from collecting certain information from kids under 13. Rather than create an environment that protects kids from data tracking, Snapchat and other websites and apps choose to restrict access to those under 13.

If your child sets up Snapchat on their mobile phone, odds are their phone number is in their public profile.  While you can use a fake name and fake username to set up the account, you’ll need to attach it to a mobile number OR an email.  Given that you can create email accounts for free, those can also be faked.

Just because your child does not have a cell phone, does not mean they don’t have Snapchat.  Kids share phones, usernames and passwords to keep their activity away from their parents and keep their online life thriving.

Wi-Fi is free almost everywhere.  While Snapchat is only a mobile app and does not have a desktop version, kids do not need a data plan to use the app and prefer wi-fi because they can be on longer and undetected.

Just because your child has added you as a “Friend” on Snapchat does not mean you will EVER see any content they publish or know what they are really doing.  First, you can mute people on your friends list or select content only to be seen by certain people.  So you will still appear on your child’s friend list, but you’ll never see anything they post in their Stories.  Second, the vast majority of what kids do is in the “Chat” feature of the app; the private conversations between them and one other person.  These are not public and you as parents will never see this unless you are physically logged in to their account.

Parents Guide to Navigating Snapchat

Adding Friends

  Friends are added to Snapchat in several ways: by their username if you know it, through the contacts in your phone (usually phone number based) or by Snapcode.  A Snapcode is a custom code that Snapchat creates for you to make it easy to add friends.  You can send your Snapcode to people to add you on Snapchat, or take a picture of other people’s Snapcode to add them.  Here’s what my Snapcode looks like (with a small modification so I don’t get a bazillion random followers from this picture being on the internet):

You’ll get a notification when someone adds you, and you have the option to confirm the add, thus making them friends and allowing content to flow back and forth, either publicly or privately.

Trophy Case

  Under the username on the main screen with your Snapcode, you’ll see a Trophy icon.  Selecting this will take you to the Snapchat Trophy Case.  These trophy’s are given out by Snapchat for achieving milestones within Snapchat such as verifying your phone number, screenshotting a Snap, etc.  The bigger trophies are for things like “Sending 1000 pictures”, “Sending 1000 videos”, etc.  These are meaningless outside of Snapchat, but within Snapchat tween and teens revel in obtaining these trophies and actually spend time working towards getting them.  At anytime, you can click on the trophy to see what your child has done to reach what award.

Chat

  On the bottom left, you’ll find the “Chat” feature.  These are private conversations between the account holder and someone on their friends list.  PARENTS, THIS IS WHERE THE DANGER IS.  Recently, I’ve been alerted to the fact that the majority of sexting that is going on in today’s junior high and high schools in happening inside this feature.  As I wrote about in this article, partially nude, fully nude, and sexually explicit videos are being sent via this feature, along with frank conversations about anything and everything.  If your child is involved with drinking, drugs, sex, gangs, bullying, or anything else that you can or cannot image that teens go through today, you’ll find it here.

If a chat has not been opened, there will be a square or triangle that will be colored in, indicating that there is a message.  Once the original message has been opened, you can reopen it again and drag down on it to see if there is a history of pictures or conversation there and review it.  Most of the time, Snapchat appears to save all of this chat history for at least a year or the length of the chat interaction (unless it has been deliberately deleted.)

Term to know in Chat – STREAKS.  Streaking in Snapchat is not the streaking that was popular in the 70s.  It’s a term used in Snapchat for chatting back and forth for a number of consecutive days so that your “streak number” (usually found to the right of the person’s username) goes up.  Most kids have 40-50 people that they streak with every single day and they take this nonsensical status marker incredibly serious.  Get their phone taken away?  Their friends better do their streaks for them.  Miss a streak and screw up your friends numbers?  They will be in big trouble and people will be mad at them.  Most of these chat posts for streaks are complete nonsense – full of black screens with a giant S written on it, pictures of the floor or the ceiling with the word “streak” written on it, all to keep the numbers up.  I don’t pretend to understand it, but in their world it is a BIG DEAL.

Things to note:  Taking a screenshot of something in Chat sends a notification to the sender.  If you need a picture of something to talk to your child about, take a picture with YOUR phone, not a screen shot.

Stories & Creating Content on Snapchat

  This is where what Friends have shared can be found.  It can usually only be viewed once or twice in a 24 hour period and then it is gone.  Once viewed, it gives you an option to REPLY (which kicks you in to the Chat feature).  This is also where Sponsored content, Featured contents from brands, television shows and digital media outlets can be found.  People can screen shot from here, send things in My Stories to others and I don’t believe the original user is notified.  Assume that everything that is put here can be distributed via the Chat feature, or in a text message or across any other social media app.

To start creating your own Story on Snapchat (called My Story) from this option by selecting “My Story” at the top or by selecting the large circle in the bottom center of the Add Friends screen at any time.  This will take you to a blank camera screen, and you’re ready to start Snapping.

To create selfies with Snapchat Filters, flip the camera feature around and touch in the middle of your face.  This will activate all of the filter features that will appear at the bottom right.  You then scroll through and add them to your face, and when ready take a picture.

To take video, it’s very similar to working video on your phone.  Point and hold down the button for the length of the video you want to record.  You only have a short window on Snapchat to record a video so keep that in mind.  Snapchat works in vertical, not horizontal, so don’t flip your phone.

Once you’ve taken your picture or video and you are ready to post your content, there are options.  You can save it to your Memories (see below), you can post it to your Story (with options to create a Group Story, a Geo Story, or a Private Story) or you can Send To someone individually (or as a group) via the Chat feature.  You can add a timer on the content (from 1-10 seconds, or no limit), attach a URL to it, add stickers, text or emojis on top of it.

See what I mean about there being a lot of options regarding where to send content and none of it has to be where you, as a parent who is a Friend on Snapchat, can see it?

Memories

  From the content creating screen, on the bottom center under the large circle, you’ll see what looks like two cards.  Clicking on that will take you to the Memories section of Snapchat.

“All” indicates everything that you’ve created and saved (not necessarily sent) on Snapchat.  Remember above when you were creating content and you had the option to save it to Memories?  This “All” bucket is where that goes.

Next is “Stories”.  Any stories that you have created that you have specifically chosen to Save to Memories will be located here.

“Camera Roll” indicates what’s available in your Camera Roll on your phone for you to send via Snapchat.  Yes, kids can create pictures and videos OUTSIDE OF SNAPCHAT, save them to their camera roll and then SEND THEM or UPLOAD THEM in Snapchat.  And they do!

“My Eyes Only”.  This is another place that it all goes to hell in a handbasket inside Snapchat.  This is a secret, private place that your kids can put the most personal, private videos and pictures they create, send, and receive under lock and key for only them to see.  Odds are, everything that’s in here is the REALLY BAD STUFF.  Because for whatever reason, tweens and teens feels the need to record every split second of their lives.  So yes, they will record themselves actually smoking the pot, drinking the booze, and all the naked pictures of themselves AND THEIR FRIENDS and store it inside this spot in Snapchat.  You cannot hack in to this; your child must give you their password.  It will delete the content to reset the password.

Next Steps for Parents

You now know what Snapchat is all about, the ins and outs of navigating the app, and where to look at what your kids are doing on it.  So now what?  What do you do if you find inappropriate content in your tweens/teens Snapchat?

If you’re child is just heading down the “making bad choices” road on Snapchat, I’d recommend implementing the following guidelines:

Change the Snapchat password to something that only you know

Review all people on Friends list and remove anyone that is not a first-person friend.  No strangers, and definitely none of the opposite sex.

Discuss appropriate video and digital content. Talk about sexually explicit pictures and video and the personal and legal ramifications of sending this type of content.

Schedule time when your child can be on Snapchat and sit with him/her to review the content they are receiving / seeing and discuss pros/cons

Set limitations on overall phone usage

Lock down the wi-fi at your home; do not give your child the password

Do surprise checks on your child’s phone.  I know of several teens who delete their Snapchat when their parents look at their phone, and then reinstall it after its given back to them.

Create and sign a cell phone / social media contract

If you begin to investigate Snapchat and discover that your teen has been engaging in risky / dangerous behavior, I’d recommend implementing the following guidelines:

Change the Snapchat password to something that only you know

Physically take your child’s phone.  Get passwords for everything. Check what email account is linked to the app and start by gaining access to that email.  Gmail will unlock with a 6 digit code text to the cell phone, and then you can reset the password.

Review all people on Friends list and remove anyone that is not a first-person friend.  No strangers, and definitely none of the opposite sex.

Be willing to have a conversation with the parents of your children’s friends.  Let them know that you’ve found some disturbing things on your child’s social channels and they might want to check their own kid’s account.  This is TRICKY, I know.  Because a lot of people don’t have the time or the inclination to monitor social media and tweens/teens like it needs to be done.  They may not want to hear you.  Know that your kid may lose friends because of this and be okay with it.  Keeping your child safe is more important.

Therapy.  Remember a confident child with a good sense of self-worth and self-esteem typically will not engage in this type of behavior.  If you’re at this place with your kids, they are feeling pretty low as it is.  Support, encouragement, and an understanding that tomorrow is a new day with an opportunity for new choices is always my best advice.

Naked Photos.  If you find naked pictures on your child’s phone, DO NOT take screen shots and text them to yourself.  That’s distribution of child pornography.  Don’t go there.  Go through their entire Snapchat account until you are satisfied that you’ve got a handle on the extent of the issues.  Remember that you will probably never get the entire truth from your child at this point.  Understand that details are going to be sketchy until they figure out that you are prepared to find it ALL, and then maybe they will start opening up.  Lead with love, not yelling.  Understand that they may not have an answer to why; therapy may be the only thing that uncovers that.  Accept that at some point, once you have the big topics covered (sexual activity, drug use, alcohol use, bullying, self-harm, gang activity, criminal behavior) and know where your child’s participation level in each lays, it becomes rehash to continue to pour through everything.  Start putting a plan together for next steps and skills to move forward.  A continued berating for the same type of behavior, ultimately, won’t serve a purpose other than to tear your child down more than they already are.

If this type of content is on Snapchat, odds are its elsewhere.  Start looking at Instagram and Facebook. There will be clues and conversations on other apps like HouseParty, Music.ly, and other places your kids are hanging out with their friends.

Ultimately, social media is a tool that can be used for amazing and incredible things, just as much as it can be used to tear apart and destroy.  It’s our responsibility as parents the moment we hand our child a phone to have a plan in place regarding social media, understand the platforms that are kids are using, closely monitor our children, and create an environment where they have a safe place to land when mistakes happen.  Because mistakes are going to happen; it’s just part of growing up and learning.  Be willing to dig in.  Make time for your kids and learn the environment that they are dealing with in school.  Get to know their friends, and their friend���s parents.  Don’t assume that everything is fine because your kid tells you it’s that way.  We as parents only get one shot at raising them, and we need to be as connected to them as possible.  In real life, not just on an app.

What are your thoughts? Are you currently doing any of the above steps? Do you or your kids have a Snapchat account?

from Snapchat and Your Kids: The Ultimate Parents Guide (Revised)

[memyselfandjen]

Keeping It Real in the Mornings

As I stood and talked to my sweetheart this morning about what our respective days looked like, he paused for a moment and asked, “Have you dropped the kids off at school yet?”

It was 9am so I was a little surprised at his question.  I leave the house every day about 8:10 and (barring any errands or Starbucks stops) I’m usually back by 8:40.  It was well past that time so I didn’t understand.  When I responded as such, he looked at me said, “Really?”

Then I got it.

Yesterday’s t-shirt / now pajama top, sans bra and mismatched pajama pant ensemble with a gigantic, granny sweater to cover the no bra wearing, non-brushed hair or washed face apparently wasn’t a look that should be leaving the house.

Yep.  That was me this morning.  Keeping it real and in the interest of full disclosure, I decided to show you exactly what he was looking at.

My response was a big, fat W H A T E V E R!

Listen, I have no interest in embarrassing my children when I drop them off at school.  But let’s have some perspective on the situation:

First, no one sees me when I drop them off besides them.

Second, I have given up my showering time in the morning to make them – from scratch – a healthy breakfast and a hot lunch.  EVERY SINGLE DAY.  For which I am already up 30 minutes earlier than them to start.  I’m not getting up 90 minutes earlier than them so that I can shower and beautify myself all for the 30 minutes that I am in the car to drop them off at school.  Did I mention that NO ONE SEES ME?????

I don’t get out of the car.  I literally pull up in the designated drop-off lane, tell them to have a great day and boot them out of the car.  THE END.  Why do I need to be pageant ready for this????

If I have errands to run after I drop them off, I get dressed.  Which involves dry shampoo, toothpaste and a bra.  Because I don’t care what the staff at Meijer or Target thinks of me at 8:30 in the morning either.

In the 6 hours I have to myself while they are in school, I’ll need to take care of:

Two conference calls

Finalizing a girl scout field trip this week

Finish (okay, start) adding badges to this year’s Girl Scout uniform for field trip tomorrow.

Finish (yes, start this one too) entering my items for a consignment sale that has to be done by the end of the day

Email follow-up with a dozen brands that I met this weekend at #WOWSummit

Job search

Laundry

Pay bills

Grocery shop

Eat (optional)

Maybe use the bathroom if I have time

Shower (really optional, isn’t this why dry shampoo was invented?)

Apparently write a blog post

People, we have to stop being so hung up on this kind of thing.  I am perfectly capable of getting glammed up with the best of them.  But I absolutely refuse to do that for the school pick-up and drop off-line. Judge me for ME, not for whether my 10-year-old sweatpants match the Hamilton t-shirt I’m wearing or I remembered to put mascara on today.  And I promise to do the same for you.

If my kids have an issue with it, there’s always the bus.

from Keeping It Real in the Mornings

[memyselfandjen]

#MeToo for Our Daughters

I consider myself to be an intelligent, hip, connected parent who is pretty in-touch with tweens and teens in today’s world.

As a mother raising daughters, I have the bases covered.  There are no topics that are off base in our home, and we freely discuss things like white privilege, racism, women’s rights in our country – now and in the past.  I am doing my best to raise aware, empowered women.

But I had no idea how clueless I really was.

I had no idea that thousands of girls were unknowing contributors in a horrific new-age nightmare that is leaving them sexually abused and assaulted.  And we can prevent so much of it as parents if we just open our eyes, dig in and get involved.

So, this?  This is a #MeToo for them ~

***

#MeToo for our daughters who are pressured into sending pictures of themselves in their underwear to a boy to express their “interest” in him.   They’ve said no a bunch of times.  And the boys they like?  He just moves on to the next girl AND says horrible things about her to his friends.  Telling his buddies she sent the pictures anyway and crudely commenting about the way her body looked in them.  She’s learned they are going to talk anyway – she might as well do it and see if she can control what they say about her.  Because she’s damned either way.

#MeToo for our daughters who felt this same pressure to send nude pictures of themselves.  For all of the same reasons above.

#MeToo for our daughters who escalated the pictures to videos because they are told it is what they need to do . . . should do . . . have to do if they really love and care about him. To prove it.  Because her words aren’t enough.  Her body is the proof, her self-respect is the price.

#MeToo for our daughters whose boyfriend thought it was okay to share these pictures and videos with his friends.  And across his social media channels.  Dissecting every square inch of her body for the world to see.  Over and over and over.

#MeToo for our daughters who are pressured, convinced, cajoled and manipulated in to sex time and time again by friends and people they trusted. Sometimes with friends, siblings or family members in the next room or elsewhere in the house.

#MeToo for our daughters who don’t understand it is not their fault when they said NO.  It is not their fault they gave up and gave in because of those damn expectations again.  Not saying “yes” and consenting fully equals rape, regardless of what they sent and said and did already.

#MeToo for our daughters who don’t grasp they are being groomed and programmed for future mental and physical abuse because this is their dating foundation.

#MeToo for our daughters who are unknowingly being scouted for sex-trafficking because of this behavior on social media.  Don’t believe me?  Read, “Just How Far Does Human Sex Trafficking Reach”.

#MeToo for our daughters whose self-worth and self-esteem are torn down and rebuilt in a system of mental and sexual abuse otherwise known as the American High School Experience.   This goes beyond race, class and economic status and it is EVERYWHERE there are tweens, teens and technology.  Girls are being taught they must be subject to intense scrutiny both at school and on social media, willing to do anything at any cost, and are nothing more than vessels for boys to score with, take pictures of, insult and demean, physically abuse, and then be discarded and left to be passed around to the next boy while trying to defend a reputation that may or may not rooted in lies.  And tween/teen boys?  Zero consequences.

#MeToo for our daughters whose parents don’t check her phone, don’t monitor her social channels, don’t ask for passwords, don’t check out her friends, don’t ask enough questions, “respect her privacy” and do not provide a safe place for her to get out and make different choices.  Teen girls do not need privacy, they need someone willing to stand up for them, stand with them, and walk through the fires of their youth holding firmly to their hand to teach them to be fireproof.  They don’t need a best friend, they need a parent.

***

If you don’t think this is happening with your tween or teen girl, ask yourself ~

Do you understand all of the social media apps that are available and how kids are using them?

Do you read EVERYTHING on her phone?  Laptop?  Tablet?  Every day / week / month?  Just following her on social media does not get the job done because there is a front end that kids show the outside world, and then an underground they use just for themselves that can’t be seen from being their follower.  This is where the danger is.  You will only see the back-end, insider information if you are logged in as her within her social platforms.

Do you read her Notes App?  Scroll through her Camera Roll?  Know her “My Eyes Only” code in Snapchat?

Do you sit with her while she is on social media? Do you know everyone she is communicating with?  Does she?

Is she allowed to have technology in her room, behind closed doors, even for “homework”?

Do you know her friends?  Her friend’s parents?  Do you follow them on social media?  See what they are doing?

Does your daughter have sleep overs?  Do you know where she is during time away from you?

Do you freely talk about sex with your daughter?  Have you provided an environment for open discussion if she has questions?

If you can’t answer all of the above with a resounding YES, I urge you to use this as a wake-up call before something catastrophic happens within your family and community.  And yes, I said community because it’s not just one random girl here and there.  This is a systemic problem among tweens and teens.  If you’re not familiar, read this New York Post article entitled, “How Social Media is Destroying The Lives Of Teen Girls”.  I’ve confirmed with the tweens/teens in my circles that it’s 100% accurate. I’ve also found that the book referenced in this article by Nancy Jo Sales, “American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers” is a powerful resource (affiliate).

For all of the parents of boys: don’t think you are off the hook on this.  While this post may paint boys out to be the “bad guys”, the information I’m sharing is based on the research I’ve done and the plethora of social content I’ve seen with my own eyes.  There is a rampant disrespect for females and an expectation that boys can send pictures of their penises to anyone and everyone without repercussions.  Not to mention the blatant disregard for basics like needing consent before having sex with someone.  All of the bullet points mentioned above that parents should be doing for teen girls apply for teen boys as well.  And then some.

Let’s break the #MeToo cycle for our daughters.  For as much as we talk about empowering the next generation of women, we are failing in so many ways.  When we know better, we do better.  Now you know.

from #MeToo for Our Daughters

[memyselfandjen]

When I was Twenty-Four

I was twenty-four years old and an assistant in the Sales & Marketing department of a small, privately owned dental insurance company in Chicago.

The only female in a department of a dozen men, I had a massive workload but I loved my job.  And being the only woman never bothered me.  After all, I just left a three-year position in a finance department of a bank where I was – again – the only woman in the department.  I was used to being “one of the guys”.  I could drink with them, joke around with them, throw raucous one-liners back at them with a smile on my face and keep working.  I was filled with sass, good at my job, and was enjoying being 24 and everything that comes with it.

You were forty-ish, married, and a father of two small children.  An outside sales rep, you needed proposals that I created at the drop of a hat for demanding prospective clients and as such you felt the need to flirt with me to get what you needed.

Except you weren’t really flirting, were you?

Walking in to my L-shaped cubicle, you’d stand over me, positioning yourself firmly against the arm of my chair which would trap me in my chair wedged between your body and the counter of my cubicle.  As you went over in detail what kind of proposal you needed, you’d rest your hand on my shoulder, sliding it just under my blond hair so that my hair was actually brushing the top of your hand.  Your eyes would dart from the paperwork you were discussing, to my eyes, down my shirt to my chest and then back to my eyes.  The whole time with a smile on your face.  You’d comment on my blouse, my hair, the music I was listening to on the radio, a picture on my desk, whatever you could find in the moment to shift the conversation to something personal.  Something that gave you more time to stand there.  You’d massage my shoulders, hoping to get my bra strap to appear so you could make a comment about its color or style.

Your groin wedged against the arm of my chair.

Trapping me from moving.

Breathing.

Until you couldn’t stay any longer, or someone else walked up and you wandered away.

This went on for a year.  A year that I said nothing.  I thought I deserved it.  I thought I had done something, encouraged something, been “too nice”, maybe I had led you on in some way?  Because most of the men in the office didn’t have a filter around me.  There were plenty of conversations that, looking back, were not only inappropriate to be having in the workplace but definitely between male and female colleagues in different power positions.  The majority of the department were young kids, and it was a party-ish kind of environment.  I blamed myself that I socialized with them too much outside of the office.  It must have gotten back to you and MY ACTIONS must have given you an impression of who I was.  I blamed myself, and every time you wandered in to my cubicle and made some inane comment so you had an excuse to look down my shirt, stare at my ass and try to feel me up I assumed that I deserved to be treated this way because I was at fault.

I deserved it.  It was my fault you treated me this way.  That is what my twenty-four year old brain told me.

One late afternoon, I snapped.  After taking a message from your wife not fifteen minutes before, the sight of you walking towards me with paperwork in your hand just sent me over the edge.  I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I stood up, grabbed your arm, and marched in to the office across the hall from my cube and slammed the door.

“If you ever lay a hand on me again, comment on my clothing, play with my hair, massage my shoulders, or stare at my body like you are trying to figure out how to screw me on the desk with no one looking, I am going to pick up the phone, call your wife and tell her what a piece of shit you are and END YOU.  Are we clear?”

Shocked, you stood there with your mouth hanging open as my pointed finger was hard in the middle of your chest. Something in your eyes told you that I was serious and you had crossed the line.  You mumbled a “sorry” and walked out of the office in a hurry.  I stood for what seemed like forever, frozen in place, waiting for someone to come and fire me for what i had just done.

No one came.

After what seemed like forever, I walked back to my desk, sat down, and got back to work.

Have you been the victim of workplace sexual harassment or assault and never talked about it?  I’ve been inspired by Rose McGowan, Rosanna Arquette, and Asia Argento and the dozens of other women that have come forward and shared their experiences with Harvey Weinstein.  Speaking truth to power – even twenty years later – is a terrifying thing.  I hope that if you cannot relate to this story and the many other stories that have been shared over the last week in the media, you can support the brave women – and men – that are stepping out of the shadows and sharing.

from When I was Twenty-Four

[memyselfandjen]

Why white people need to get on board with #TakeAKnee

Since last Friday night’s “rally” in Alabama when President Cheeto (h/t Luvvie) decided to ignite another shit-storm and make himself the center of all things by calling Colin Kaepernick a “son of a bitch” and suggesting that NFL owners (9 of which made sizeable donations) should fire anyone who takes a knee during the National Anthem, the internet has lost its damn mind.

Please note, for the record, that said President did this instead of oh I don’t know, HELPING THE PEOPLE OF PUERTO RICO and other Caribbean Islands that are DEVASTATED by Hurricane Maria.  Nah.  He’d rather do this because he’ll get WAY more attention by being a jackass than helping people. (Sidenote:  Click HERE for information on donating for Puerto Rico relief)

My personal timeline across social media platforms is primarily filled with amazing activists and news outlets sharing and dissecting what started Kaepernick on his #TakeAKnee journey, how he is now out of a job in the NFL because of it and what other teams and the league as a whole did in response to not only the President’s words, but in continued support of Kaepernick and the issues he was protesting in the first place.

In his own words:

  And then my timeline has been full of Becky’s that are all in a lather, talking about how unpatriotic it is to protest the flag (they aren’t) the National Anthem (wrong again), that they are breaking an NFL mandate about conduct during the anthem (one doesn’t exist) and so on, and so on, and so on.  There are plenty of #WhitePrivilege men all in a lather too (not sure what the equivalent of a male Becky is called??) So I’m here to help you out.  Answer your questions.  Dispel your myths about the whole #TakeAKnee so you can all un-Becky yourselves and your social media timelines with this nonsense and get on board.  Or at least stop looking so foolish and at least KNOW what you have an opinion against.

#TakeAKnee is NOT about protesting the American Flag or the National Anthem.

As explained in the brilliant New Yorker piece by Jelani Cobb, “Kaepernik began his silent, kneeling protest at the beginning of last season, not as an assault against the United States military or the flag but as a dissent against a system that has, with a great degree of consistency, failed to hold accountable police who kill unarmed citizens.”  The commentary that these men are protesting the flag or the anthem are FALSE.  Move along, please.

P.S.  There is no NFL regulation regarding the National Anthem or the Flag:  http://ift.tt/2c4mSNk

Just because you are an employee of an organization does not mean that you are not a FREE HUMAN BEING.

Much has been made of white team owners and primarily black players in the NFL.  That these players are property of the franchises and therefore should just shut up and entertain people.  I don’t know about you, but regardless of who I worked for, I was still a free citizen of this country, a free human being, and was therefore entitled to the rights and privileges under our Constitution.  Yes, actions have consequences and I don’t believe that anyone who has taken a knee this year and seen what’s happened with Kaepernick’s career – or the annihilation of it – and not understood that there could be consequences to speaking up.  BUT THEY WERE STILL FREE TO DO SO.

There is no “right” and “wrong” way to protest.

We, the white majority, have got to stop telling people of color that they are protesting wrong.  Seriously, that shit has got to stop.  Who are we to tell them what they can and cannot do??  WHITE PEOPLE OWNED THEIR ANCESTORS.  White people need to acknowledge that EVERYONE in this country is entitled to protest in any damn way they see fit, whether our delicate sensibilities are offended by it or not and we need to shut up about it.  You don’t have to like it, but you DO have to acknowledge that everyone has the right to own their truth.

The brother @iJesseWilliams makes a great point here about where the idea of anthems at NFL games even came from… http://pic.twitter.com/PUxnsD7XMT

— Riz Ahmed (@rizmc) September 25, 2017

Freedom of Speech is for EVERYONE, whether you like it or not.

I wrote this on a thread today trying to explain why you can’t cherry pick when it comes to Freedom of Speech:  I can think that the white supremacists marching in Charlottesville are speaking the most vile, reprehensible words I’ve ever heard in my entire life. (And I most certainly do).  But if I’m going to stand here and defend every black player in the NFL that took a knee to protest the racial injustices in this country, then I have to be willing to defend the rights of those whites supremacists to speak their personal truth. It’s the cornerstone of our American citizenship, and our freedom of speech. At a base level we don’t have to like each other but we have to acknowledge as human beings that we are all entitled to be here, and we are entitled to speak our own personal truths.

This clip from The American President always speaks volumes to me when I think about free speech and our rights are citizens:

  Here’s the thing:  nothing is EVER going to change in our world and our country if we can’t come together at a base level of a) we are all humans, b) we are all citizens, c) we should all be entitled to the same rights and freedoms.  Currently, that’s not happening.  Perpetuating injustices and judgement against anyone continues the cycle of abuse and systemic racism that can never be changed or overcome.  My white friends, you need to understand that because of our skin color we have a privilege that our friends of color will never have.  We are innocent until proven guilty in the eyes of the law, and they are guilty until proven innocent – if they live that long.  Take the blinders off and get to work.

I leave you with these brilliant words from sports expert Max Kellerman:

http://pic.twitter.com/QbhhlYH2dx

— The Shadow League (@ShadowLeagueTSL) September 15, 2017

And this incredible article from John Pavlovitz:  http://ift.tt/2hn2NWk

I don’t have all the answers.  But my eyes are open.  Won’t you open yours?

from Why white people need to get on board with #TakeAKnee

[memyselfandjen]

Join Me at the Moms Meet WOW Summit

The Moms Meet WOW Summit is a powerful, two-day event, filled with inspiration and education. Join hundreds of moms and mom bloggers from the Moms Meet community committed to leading a healthy lifestyle.

Maybe you’re feeling lonely in your motherhood journey and desire to connect with like-minded moms.

Maybe transitioning your family to a healthy lifestyle has been overwhelming and unsuccessful.

Maybe you’re looking to learn more about natural, organic, non-GMO, or allergy-free products.

Maybe you need a little time away for yourself to recharge and get inspired.

No matter the reason, it’s time to make a real change in your life and gain the support you crave.

At the WOW Summit, you’ll gain guidance and support from women that stand in your shoes. You’ll feel a sense of peace, inspiration, and joy knowing you’re not alone in your quest to raise a healthy family. When the Moms Meet community joins forces with other like-minded women, it brings a new dimension to motherhood.

Plus, you’ll gain valuable tips, tools, and resources from our speakers and workshops for moms and mom bloggers. Visit the WOW Summit Exhibit Hall to try products that you’ll love for your family, and meet the mission-driven companies behind these better-for-you products.

WOW Summit is being held at the beautiful Eaglewood Resort & Spa in Itasca, IL (just 30 minutes outside of Chicago). Inspired by the legendary work of Frank Lloyd Wright, this idyllic Midwest resort features an array of experiences that capture the beauty of its natural surroundings. With endless entertainment on site, guests can enjoy access to a USGA-certified golf course, 6-lane, retro-styled bowling alley, indoor pool, full-service wellness spa, outdoor activities including a grand fire pit, and so much more. You can relax and enjoy all that this inspiring event and serene location have to offer.  Parking is complimentary at Eaglewood.  Click here to book your room or call 877-491-0468 and reference Moms Meet WOW Summit to receive our group rate.

With an amazing lineup of Speakers, Sponsors and a packed agenda for both Friday and Saturday, I hope to see you there. Don’t miss out – grab your tickets before they are sold out!

  from Join Me at the Moms Meet WOW Summit

[memyselfandjen]

10 Things You Need To Know About Car Seat Safety #carsdotcom #carsdotcomsafety

Car seats and car seat safety has been something extremely important to me for quite a long time.  Given that my girls are almost 12 and 9 (and we are just on the very tail end of needing safety seats) I considered myself a pro on the subject when I met with the good people from Cars.com.

That changed in a hurry when their Certified Child Passenger Safety Technicians started walking us through the different types of seats, installation requirements in vehicles and the dozens of variables that you can encounter.  With National Car Seat Safety Week kicking off on September 18th, it’s great to go over those things that seem to be the “basics” of kids and car seats, as well as a few things I learned that I think might be helpful to you:

The Basics of Car Seat Safety

While regulations are different state to state, the NTSB mandate for children in a car / booster seat is 4’9″.  Illinois regulations require children to be in a seat until they are 8 AND 80 pounds, which is why my just-turned-9-year-old is still in a booster.  She doesn’t meet the weight requirements.

Children should ride in the backseat until the age of 12.

Infants and small children should be in a rear-facing car sear until the age of 2.

Car seats should not move more than an inch side to side

The Details You Need To Know about Car Seat Safety

Your owner’s manual should have detailed information on how to install a car seat properly for your vehicle type.  Did you read your manual before you installed your car seat?? (I know I didn’t!)

Most car seats will require you to remove the head rest in the back seat to be installed properly

LATCH systems are required in all cars past 2001.  You can buy the LATCH systems to retrofit your vehicle if it is older.

Did you know the purpose of the third “hook” in the back of your car seat?  I always thought that was the thing that you only used when you WEREN’T using the LATCH system and were  using seat belts.  I had ZERO idea that is a tether system that is an additional safety strap in addition to the two straps that attach to the LATCH system.  Tethers are mandated in all vehicles (except convertibles) so read your owner’s manual to insure that you are attaching your tether hooks to the correct anchor and not using a cargo hook instead.  (Someone tell me I’m not the only person who didn’t know about this?  I had police departments install car seats and never had a tether hooked in my car!!)

LATCH is only rated for 65 pounds TOTAL which includes the weight of your car seat.  Know how heavy your car seat is.  Car seat + weight of your child must not exceed 65 pounds or it will not properly protect your child.

Seat belts have TWO modes – emergency locking mode and switchable.  This allows the seat belt to “lock” the car seat in to place at the right tension so it doesn’t slide all over the place; thus keeping the car seat still strapped securely to the car.  If you’re a family that switches car seats from one car to another on a regular basis, using the seat belt route might be the better option for you.  Take a look at your owner’s manual, determine what kind of seat belt system your vehicle has and see if this is an option for you! (The safety expert that was leading our demonstrations utilizes this option for her family because they are in and out of different cars so often.)  You’ll still need to use the top tether with the seat belt option.

Use the LATCH *or* seat belt but not both.  This is a common mistake.

Make sure your rear-facing infant seat does not touch the seat back in front of it.

Car seats care safe side by side in the back seat if you can slide an adult hand between the seats.

Check Safercar.gov for car seat recommendations based on your child’s age, height and weight

Don’t forget that as a sports / scout / carpool parent, you are responsible for ensuring that the children in your vehicle are properly restrained at all times.  Mifold and Bubblebum both make easy-to-store booster seats for times when you have extra kids in your car.  I know as a scout leader I have plenty of times when I have several girls in my car that still need to be in a booster seat.   They might not be happy with it, but I think that their parents will be happy that we took the extra few minutes to be safe in the event of an accident.

Think your car is a rock star when it comes to car / booster seats?  Check out the Car Seat Honor Roll from Cars.com and see if your vehicle make the list! I drive a 2014 Toyota Highlander and it was super easy to see how my car rates (pretty good overall!)

At the end of the day, make sure you understand your car, your brand of car seats, and how they work together.  And don’t be afraid read your owners manual and ask questions if you need help!!!

from 10 Things You Need To Know About Car Seat Safety #carsdotcom #carsdotcomsafety

[memyselfandjen]

Sweet Potato Oatmeal Breakfast Casserole #vegan #vegetarian

It’s been six weeks since #whengallbladdersattack and I’ve lost about 25 pounds.  More important to me is that I am really working hard at embracing the whole food, plant-based protein lifestyle.  I’m not counting calories, carbs, grams of fat, points or servings of anything.  I eat as much of the food that is in my home as I like, when I am hungry.  Mostly vegetables, fruits, and proteins that come from plants like beans, seeds and sprouts.  I’ve even found a substitute for my beloved pasta.

What I am not eating is dairy (butter, milk, ice cream, cheese), fried anything, fast food, candy and sweets, and the majority of meat.  I’ll admit that even after watching documentary’s on Netflix like What The Health and Forks Over Knives, I still haven’t completely given up eggs or the occasional bacon bit and piece of chicken in my salad.  I’ve also fallen in love with a sandwich at a nearby Cafe Zupas that includes crab meat, and I’m not ready to give that up yet either.

But I’m working on it.

I have also come to the realization that I am not a fan of cooking.  Really.  I don’t have fun with it.  I loathe looking for new recipes.  I mean, I have a great time pinning things on various Pinterest boards that I have that look amazing.  But actually selecting something that I think I can make?  NOPE.  DON’T WANNA.

My other half loves to cook and is trying to take over some of the meal prep in an effort to help out.  He found this recipe for Sweet Potato Oatmeal Breakfast Casserole from Angela at OhSheGlows.com and wanted to make it for breakfast.  After taking a look and realizing it didn’t look that complicated, I decided that I would be game to help and we headed to our local market.

GROCERY STORE HACK ALERT:  Do not buy an entire bag / box / container of a random ingredient to make one recipe.  Buy just what you need in the BULK SECTION.  This will include your spices.  With a little math, we managed to grab just what we needed of finely chopped pecans, spelt flour, nutmeg, and oatmeal and it cost is $2.00 for these four ingredients.  Pro Tip:  Bring your own measuring spoons with you for reference.

We had brown sugar, a sweet potato, a banana, almond milk, salt, cinnamon, vanilla extract, chia seeds and butter at home already.  (We decided to skip the maple syrup in the recipe as neither of us are big fans).  All of this total (including what we could have grabbed from the bulk section if we didn’t already have it at home) made this recipe affordable for a family of four at about $10.00 total.  When you look at the ingredients and the casserole dish, there’s no way you think there is enough for two adults and two tweens.

One – there is.  Plenty.  And two – in part it’s because we are taught that our serving sizes are supposed to be monstrous.  They shouldn’t be.

Here it is – ready to go in the oven for the last 20 minutes:

With following the directions exactly in Angela’s recipe, we were able to create this fantastic breakfast for our family in about an hour start to finish.  Not only was this perfect for breakfast, it filled the house with a warm smell similar to the cinnamon rolls I used to make the kids, was a completely vegan / vegetarian meal AND will be great cold in their lunchbox for school. Plus, I can make this ahead of time and freeze it for a quick meal during the week.

Thanks to Angela at OhSheGlows.com for this fantastic recipe that we will absolutely make again!

  from Sweet Potato Oatmeal Breakfast Casserole #vegan #vegetarian

[memyselfandjen]

Spaghetti for the Win – Squash Style! #vegan #vegetarian

For those of you that know me in real life, you’ll know that pasta is my favorite food group.  I *may* have been Italian in a previous life I love pasta so much.  All shapes, sizes and varieties.  From the expensive stuff all the way to the beloved macaroni and cheese from a box that I’ve been eating since I was a child.

Pasta is my jam.

Well, it WAS my jam.  Until the whole #WhenGallbladdersAttack situation.  Since then, pasta and it’s BFF cheese are on my no-go list.  I mean, I can have plain, gluten free pasta with no butter, no cheese, no sauce with a cream base (because dairy is bad), no sauce with an authentic tomato base (because allergies), so I’ve basically been screwed.

Since we’ve been home from our Texas vacation with family, I’ve been looking at spaghetti squash as an alternative.  First, there are like 1.2 million recipes and posts with directions on how to cook it on Pinterst.  Where the hell do I start?  Who do I believe?  So I flipped through to someone that had a ton of followers, prayed I didn’t get a whammy, and grabbed a recipe for plain Spaghetti Squash.

It wasn’t bad.  But it wasn’t fantastic.  I mean is was REALLY watery and bland.  And kind of mushy.  Certainly did not look like the pictures in the post or any kind of pasta that I had ever delivery chosen to eat in my previous life.

Last night, we were having a family dinner, and I was determined to try again.  By some MIRACLE I stumbled upon this recipe from Beth at Eat Within Your Means.  OMG, a totally different way of cooking this bad boy that involved CUTTING IT IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION so it actually made LONG NOODLES.

Yes, I’m shouting because while I don’t know Beth I think she’s a frigging genius.  Besides all of this brilliant information?  She shared a technique called “salting” that would pull out a bunch of the moisture from the squash, thus making it less watery and more pasta like.  While I was skeptical, I followed her exact directions, waited 15 minutes, and was BLOWN AWAY how much water was in the pan and all over the squash.

Had Beth been standing in my kitchen, I might have hugged her and cried I was so happy.  I put those bad boys in the oven, finished the cooking process and blew my family’s mind when I served them dinner last night.  For the record, I followed the remainder of Beth’s recipe except I did *not* re-salt, pepper or oil the squash before I put it in the oven.  And I thought there was PLENTY of seasoning on it.

Because PASTA!

The remainder of our dinner consisted of steamed snow peas, spiralized sweet potatoes, and an option of small chicken thighs for those that wanted an animal-based protein.

I added a VERY small amount of vegan red sauce to my pasta for the tiniest bit of spice, and inhaled my serving and part of another.  This is a SUPER easy option for dinner that I will be using frequently moving forward because this squash pasta is a fantastic base for anything and everything – just like regular pasta!

Want yummy Spaghetti Squash like I had for dinner?  Go check out Beth’s recipe (including a cool video) at Eat Within Your Means.

from Spaghetti for the Win – Squash Style! #vegan #vegetarian

[memyselfandjen]

#WhenGallbladdersAttack: The Aftermath

It’s been thirty days since my gallbladder attacked me. I can’t believe how much my life has changed in those thirty days.

I was quietly minding my own business, watching television after putting my kids to bed and preparing to leave on a twenty-four hour road trip to Texas the next morning.  Our of nowhere, I was in pain in the center of my torso, just under my rib cage.  While at first I thought it might just be a gas bubble from eating to fast, after shifting around on the couch I realized that wasn’t it.  Because it wasn’t going away and it was hurting MORE.  I got up.  Walked around.  And nothing would make it go away.  After speaking with my sweetheart, I started to get scared because SOMETHING WAS CLEARLY WRONG.  This was PAIN.  Like transition labor with no drugs and a non-stop contraction that never lets up (for those of you that have felt the pains of childbirth).  Was I having a heart attack?  What was happening?  In the span of about eight minutes I went from being perfectly fine to feeling like I was dying.

Then he asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital.

This is where I, as a woman and a mother, lack the instincts to take care of myself FIRST over my family.  I debated.  My internal conversation went something like this:

Is this REALLY that bad?

Can I fight through it?

We will have to wake the kids up and it will completely freak them out?

Maybe I’m over-reacting

I don’t want to scare the kids.

It’ll be such a hassle dragging them with us to the emergency room and keeping them up all night. 

Dammit, their Dad is on a flight right now and I have no way of getting a hold of him.

Maybe I can just wait it out a little bit and whatever it is will go away

And then I panicked.  Because I really didn’t know if I was having a heart attack and how stupid would I feel if I died right here in my living room for my kids to see because I was too stubborn to go to the hospital.  So I gave him the okay to call 911. At this point, there was no way I was getting up off the couch to make it in the car, and I needed help.

The paramedics arrived quickly, and managed to get me loaded up with drugs to get the pain under control ASAP.  Unfortunately, in my world narcotics equal nausea and I had to make a choice between feeling like I’d been out doing tequilla shooters for the last 12 hours or being in pain.  I opted to make the pain stop and me and the emesis basin were attached at the hip for the next five hours.  We made arrangements for the kids (who slept through the entire thing) and off to the hospital I went.  Blood work and an ultrasound confirmed gallstones that I didn’t even know I had and it was determined that there was no immediate rush to take the sucker out despite it attacking me, but that immediate diet modifications were needed unless I wanted surgery.

And by “diet modification” they meant no dairy, no cheese, and no friend, greasy or spicy food.  Basically everything I lived off of was entirely off-limits (and I wonder why my gallbladder was pissed?)

Two days later, we left for Texas.  There’s nothing like embarking on a 24 hour road trip when you can’t eat fast food.  AT ALL.  Because I remember that pain.  It’s NOT like the pain of childbirth that slowly goes away because you have this beautiful baby at the end of it so you forget until the next time you are crazy enough to have a baby.  OH NO, this is FRONT AND CENTER in my brain.  I never want to feel like that again.  E V E R.

So I started making changes.  And let me tell you that on vacation with your Mexican family and a Mother in Law that is an amazing cook is NOT really the time you want to not be able to eat cheese.  Or anything fried.  Especially when your Father in Law makes the best BBQ ribs your ever eaten in your entire life.  I basically recreated the Portillo’s Chopped Salad that I loved so much, and ate that for lunch and dinner.  Had plain chicken.  Plain eggs.  No dairy – including ice cream and cheese.  Started drinking water again instead of going from my Starbucks Very Berry to Diet Coke every day.  If I wanted a snack, I had a small serving of popcorn (I love the SkinnyGirl microwave popcorn – affiliate link).  Thanks to my niece, I found a plant protein bar that I liked for another snack (chocolate chip cookie dough and s’mores are my favorite – affiliate links) and a drink (affiliate link) that I use for breakfast sometimes.  I stuck with it for the entire time I was there, including the trip home.

I actually started to crave the crunch from a salad every day, and tried to stick to the same routine when I got home.  Believe it or not, it was easier when I was on vacation because I wasn’t the one trying to figure out how to feed a family.  And cook, which I’m not a big fan of.  My family in Texas was wonderful about helping accommodate my new dietary needs and they were surprised and proud of me that I didn’t waiver.  Meal planning at home has been a challenge, but my sweetheart and I are doing it together which has made all of the difference in the world.

Earlier this week, I had a check-in with the gastroenterologist.  I’ve been a patient there for several years and I wanted to give them an update since the whole #WhenGallbladdersAttack incident.  I was interested to step on the scale since I knew that I had lost weight but I wasn’t sure how much.  At the beginning of February, I weighed 240.  Yes, I’ll admit it and own that number.  Honestly, I’m sure it was higher than 240 thirty days ago since a) I’ve been averaging about 10-15 pounds a year, b) those five months were the busiest, most stressful time of the last several years for me and, c) I’d thrown the home scale out I wasn’t ready to face reality.  But let’s say I was just 240.  This week?  At 2pm in the afternoon, after drinking a liter of water and eating an entire chopped salad before my appointment, I was 226.6.

HOLY SHITBALLS

I’ll take that 14 pounds (and the other 4-5 that I might not be aware of) over the last thirty days and RUN WITH IT.

Thirty days after #WhenGallbladdersAttack, I’m 14+ pounds lighter and I’ve eliminated dairy (cheese, milk, ice cream, butter), most meat, most junk carbs (waffles, fries, white pasta, chips) and fast food from my diet.  I drink at least a liter of water a day.  I eat a ton of veggies – to the point that we are actually looking at the possibility of flipping our house to vegetarian or vegan, getting the majority of or proteins from plant-based sources.  Yes, I look in the mirror and wonder who I am.  And why it took an internal organ attacking my body for me to make changes.  Why wanting to be healthy and loving myself wasn’t enough.  Those are things that I have to deal with moving forward; self-care and self-love have never come easy to me. I need to create a model of self-care and love that includes food and overall health for my daughters too so they have a guide.  It doesn’t require fancy diets, expensive gyms or self-help books to love yourself enough to be healthy from the inside out.

That’s my bigger takeaway from the last thirty days. #Shift

from #WhenGallbladdersAttack: The Aftermath

[memyselfandjen]

#MeToo for Our Daughters

I consider myself to be an intelligent, hip, connected parent who is pretty in-touch with tweens and teens in today’s world.

As a mother raising daughters, I have the bases covered.  There are no topics that are off base in our home, and we freely discuss things like white privilege, racism, women’s rights in our country – now and in the past.  I am doing my best to raise aware, empowered women.

But I had no idea how clueless I really was.

I had no idea that thousands of girls were unknowing contributors in a horrific new-age nightmare that is leaving them sexually abused and assaulted.  And we can prevent so much of it as parents if we just open our eyes, dig in and get involved.

So, this?  This is a #MeToo for them ~

***

#MeToo for our daughters who are pressured into sending pictures of themselves in their underwear to a boy to express their “interest” in him.   They’ve said no a bunch of times.  And the boys they like?  He just moves on to the next girl AND says horrible things about her to his friends.  Telling his buddies she sent the pictures anyway and crudely commenting about the way her body looked in them.  She’s learned they are going to talk anyway – she might as well do it and see if she can control what they say about her.  Because she’s damned either way.

#MeToo for our daughters who felt this same pressure to send nude pictures of themselves.  For all of the same reasons above.

#MeToo for our daughters who escalated the pictures to videos because they are told it is what they need to do . . . should do . . . have to do if they really love and care about him. To prove it.  Because her words aren’t enough.  Her body is the proof, her self-respect is the price.

#MeToo for our daughters whose boyfriend thought it was okay to share these pictures and videos with his friends.  And across his social media channels.  Dissecting every square inch of her body for the world to see.  Over and over and over.

#MeToo for our daughters who are pressured, convinced, cajoled and manipulated in to sex time and time again by friends and people they trusted. Sometimes with friends, siblings or family members in the next room or elsewhere in the house.

#MeToo for our daughters who don’t understand it is not their fault when they said NO.  It is not their fault they gave up and gave in because of those damn expectations again.  Not saying “yes” and consenting fully equals rape, regardless of what they sent and said and did already.

#MeToo for our daughters who don’t grasp they are being groomed and programmed for future mental and physical abuse because this is their dating foundation.

#MeToo for our daughters who are unknowingly being scouted for sex-trafficking because of this behavior on social media.  Don’t believe me?  Read, “Just How Far Does Human Sex Trafficking Reach”.

#MeToo for our daughters whose self-worth and self-esteem are torn down and rebuilt in a system of mental and sexual abuse otherwise known as the American High School Experience.   This goes beyond race, class and economic status and it is EVERYWHERE there are tweens, teens and technology.  Girls are being taught they must be subject to intense scrutiny both at school and on social media, willing to do anything at any cost, and are nothing more than vessels for boys to score with, take pictures of, insult and demean, physically abuse, and then be discarded and left to be passed around to the next boy while trying to defend a reputation that may or may not rooted in lies.  And tween/teen boys?  Zero consequences.

#MeToo for our daughters whose parents don’t check her phone, don’t monitor her social channels, don’t ask for passwords, don’t check out her friends, don’t ask enough questions, “respect her privacy” and do not provide a safe place for her to get out and make different choices.  Teen girls do not need privacy, they need someone willing to stand up for them, stand with them, and walk through the fires of their youth holding firmly to their hand to teach them to be fireproof.  They don’t need a best friend, they need a parent.

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If you don’t think this is happening with your tween or teen girl, ask yourself ~

Do you understand all of the social media apps that are available and how kids are using them?

Do you read EVERYTHING on her phone?  Laptop?  Tablet?  Every day / week / month?  Just following her on social media does not get the job done because there is a front end that kids show the outside world, and then an underground they use just for themselves that can’t be seen from being their follower.  This is where the danger is.  You will only see the back-end, insider information if you are logged in as her within her social platforms.

Do you read her Notes App?  Scroll through her Camera Roll?  Know her “My Eyes Only” code in Snapchat?

Do you sit with her while she is on social media? Do you know everyone she is communicating with?  Does she?

Is she allowed to have technology in her room, behind closed doors, even for “homework”?

Do you know her friends?  Her friend’s parents?  Do you follow them on social media?  See what they are doing?

Does your daughter have sleep overs?  Do you know where she is during time away from you?

Do you freely talk about sex with your daughter?  Have you provided an environment for open discussion if she has questions?

If you can’t answer all of the above with a resounding YES, I urge you to use this as a wake-up call before something catastrophic happens within your family and community.  And yes, I said community because it’s not just one random girl here and there.  This is a systemic problem among tweens and teens.  If you’re not familiar, read this New York Post article entitled, “How Social Media is Destroying The Lives Of Teen Girls”.  I’ve confirmed with the tweens/teens in my circles that it’s 100% accurate. I’ve also found that the book referenced in this article by Nancy Jo Sales, “American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers” is a powerful resource (affiliate).

For all of the parents of boys: don’t think you are off the hook on this.  While this post may paint boys out to be the “bad guys”, the information I’m sharing is based on the research I’ve done and the plethora of social content I’ve seen with my own eyes.  There is a rampant disrespect for females and an expectation that boys can send pictures of their penises to anyone and everyone without repercussions.  Not to mention the blatant disregard for basics like needing consent before having sex with someone.  All of the bullet points mentioned above that parents should be doing for teen girls apply for teen boys as well.  And then some.

Let’s break the #MeToo cycle for our daughters.  For as much as we talk about empowering the next generation of women, we are failing in so many ways.  When we know better, we do better.  Now you know.

from #MeToo for Our Daughters