#Imma swoop Chad into a roadtrip one day & it will be magnificent

[maude-lebowski]

Black: "Tbh Allie, a roadtrip with you sounds like my literal worst vacation nightmare." Me: "What the fuck man, I'm literally the best to roadtrip with, how can you fuckin' say that?!" Black: "First, your music taste: Oh no. Oh nooo, son. I can't do that half the time here, I could never sit in a car with that shit, nowhere to run, just hours and hours of your weirdass, terrible fucking taste. I never even knew there could be so many guitars in songs played so many different ways. Now your singing ain't the worst, I'll give you that, but the music you sing?! It's the worst." Chad: "Now I admit most of her genres aren't my go to when listening to music because we all know my heart permanently lies with hip hop, but I can appreciate her music. I feel like we'd have a good time sitting in the car going back and forth between your stuff and mine, analyzing the lyrical complexity of each of the songs. Then we could belt out some classics, some Gladys Knight, some Tina Turner... Black: "All of that, all of it sounds awful." Me: "Sorry my music taste is varied and mature and doesn't boil down to Lil' Wayne, 'That One Song By Future', and old Dragon Ball Z video game soundtracks." Black: "I'm gonna pretend you didn't just use that tone when referencing the GREATEST SONG EVER MADE, "LOST COURAGE", so we're just gonna continue on with why my idea of hell is being trapped inside of a moving car with you. So next: You never want to relax. Travel is always about "GO GO GO WE HAVE TO SEE FUCKIN' EVERYTHING THAT FUCKIN' EXISTS IN THR STATE OF ARIZONA IN UNDER 12 HOURS!!" with you. I'm on vacation. I wanna lay on a beach. I wanna relax. This isn't the fucking Amazing Race, this is my me time. And the shit you wanna see is terrible on top of it. It's all shit like museums, weirdass ruins, alien cave paintings, rocks that looks like other things that aren't rocks, more bigass rocks, and bigger rocks that don't look like rocks. 'OH, BLACK, LOOK AT THAT ROCK! IN 1622 FUCKING NAPOLEON SAT ON TOP OF IT FOR 5 MINUTES AND NOW WE HAD TO DRIVE 3 HOURS OUT OF OUR WAY UP A DIRT MOUTAINSIDE TO TAKE A FUCKING PICTURE WITH IT BECAUSE I'M ALLISON AND THAT'S WHAT I FUCKING DO.' THAT'S WHAT YOU FUCKING DO. Now correct me on my bad history, you know you want to. Because that's what the whole time we aren't listening to terrible music would be, driving on terrible roads while you try to fucking teach me terrible history shit. Repeat after me: VACATION. IS NOT. FOR. LEARN.ING." Chad: "I would have to disagree on that." Black: "Plus you always accidentally end up at haunted places and then DON'T IMMEDIATELY LEAVE BECAUSE YOU'RE A STUPID WHITE GIRL. And I will NOT be the black guy who dies first in the horror film of your life. We all know what you do in your house, and we all know your travel horror stories. We all know about that time you literally forced your ex to sit in some sort of ancient sweat lodge in a secret canyon and talk to aliens. WE. ALL. KNOW." Chad: "Hahahahaha I- That's not- hahahahaha Black what the fuck?!" Black: "WE. KNOW." Me: "I'm going to take this time to formally state my innocence as it relates to the alleged crime of forcing an ex-girlfriend down a secret canyon into an ancient sweat lodge to commune with aliens. I will also acknowledge that all other evidence put forth against me in the charge of my being an un-fun roadtrip partner, while not technically false, has been presented inaccurately in that all of these things are actually FUCKING. GREAT. because roadtripping with me is FUCKING. GREAT." Chad: "If I'm going to be completely honest here, I'm leaving this conversation with a bit of an overwhelming desire to take a roadtrip with Allison. I want talk musical complexity, sing classics, get up at the crack of dawn to watch the sunrise over giant rocks that look like other things that aren't rocks, visit ancient ruins, learn history I was never taught in school, and partake in ancient shamanistic rituals allowing me to converse with extraterrestrial beings." Me: "You're gonna be disappointed with the last one."