#Im going back to school on the 12th of august im so done

[iloveacronix]

Misery doodles for me bc im hungry *drinks them like water*

Close ups🔥

Probably the 2nd best one yet I think this describes Lloyd the second he was born.

Random snek

Jay Dragons Rising season 2 leak💀

I was sleep deprived on the burger one i swear

Mmmm business father

[fattyb00mb00m]

heyy guyss i need help 😖😖

i’m going on holiday sometime in October, currently August 12th, and i’m still fat 😭 (i go back to school August 14th :(( )

so basically i’m just asking if anyone can give me tips to lose weight super quick and keep it off, without dieting because that’s not exactly an option for me at the moment.

just so yk

•i’m not good at fasting and always end up eating something due to me forgetting or my mother

•i haven’t done my daily workouts in over a week, super unmotivated

•it’s not like i’ve been binging, i think bcs of the time off school i’ve been sorta losing track of time recently so im not rlly remembering what i’ve eaten

•i can skip breakfast easy but i always eat lunch (bcs of school) but i’ll need tips to either make my mother think i’ve eaten dinner or to not eat it at all

if anyone has any tips/recommendations it would be appreciated. thank you!!

[myydays]

starting midterm szn

hey hey hey!! :D

so midterms are coming up.

september 12th is the day they start and its almost the end of august. 

i wanted to do a little september goals post today (?)

some things i want to work on in september starting from now as well are 

1-waking up much earlier 

2-stretching in the mornings/ doing some form of exercise 

3-making my own breakfast again 

4-being able to study in a flow state.

1- early rise :)

i love love love early mornings, but i cant seem to wake up cheerfully. 

im up until 11 or 12 and i want to ease into a healthy night routine. 

after finishing my work i want to go do my skincare, change into my pajamas, and read for a little. maybe even journal if i have the time.

i miss doing this :)

even if i cant go to bed by 11 or 12 and need to stay up and study (midterm season demands maximizing the time i have!!) i will ensure i don't overexert myself too much, and be able to wind down after im done.

oh and LIMITING CAFFEINE INTAKE, because it affects my sleep skin and digestion in very harmful ways.

im not a caffeine addict. im limiting my caffeine these days.

(okay i tried something out just now.)

usually i say, im addicted to caffeine but im trying to limit myself these days- i was trying to change my behavior whilst still carrying around those same labels and beliefs i had about myself. 

by saying what i just said, i tried to get rid of that belief and start with a clean slate you could say :)

2- morning stretches

in my post about the book ikigai i mentioned a bunch of these movements to do to start your day feeling refreshed. sometimes i do a few rounds of sun salutations, (but theres hardly any sun these days ;sob)

but coming back to what i was saying, i wanted to try some of these movements every morning and experiment with how it impacts my energy levels in my day. because often i end up exhausted out of my mind after just the first day back to school after a weekend :”)

3-making my own breakfast 

i used to make my own breakfast, a fruit bowl and a sandwich, every day. yeah it was the same exact sandwich (I LIKED IT OKAY) but it was a good habit that i slowly grew apart from.

this kinda goes with waking up earlier ofc. 

i used to wake up by 6am, make my breakfast, go shower, eat, pack for school and leave.

it was very calming to just listen to music and get ready in the mornings, but these days i just wake up at 6:40 and get ready whilst my dad makes me something.

4-being able to study in a flow state

studying. alot of studying required to pass midterm season. aaaa. 

as stressful as it is, i want to look into how i can maximize the time i have and enjoy myself whilst studying through productive sessions. :)

well. goals are set. but goals are overrated.

im going to have to focus on my system now.

love,

pav.

[keepcalm-andbopon]

Introducing us!!

Isabelle: @swiftie-isabelle

I’m Isabelle and I’m turning 14th in June 27! I would die for Taylor swift. I started listening to her when I was 3 and her music had comforted me ever since! She has had such a impact in my life and I’ve gotten so many amazing memories from her!

Victoria: @sinkanddroundswift

im victoria & i do nothing w my life except cry over taylor swift and not having a boyfriend . I do nothing ever except lay in bed and cry over every little detail. I eat too much food for my body. I like boys alot but they don’t like me. taylor swift claims she loves me multiple times but idk if I believe her yet. I love my cat shes a scottish fold. Beverly Hills, 90210 is my favorite tv show & High School Musical is my favorite movie. I also love grayson dolan more than I can comprehend. I have 0 friends so its me, myself, and I all the time.

Lily: @lilyadorestay

im lily and i do nothing with my life except cry over taylor swift, have people tell me to stop crying about taylor swift, and waste money on bucket hats :)

Sasha: @dropsmynamesasha

I’m sasha and I have a large obsession with food, cats and Taylor Swift

Katelyn: @redheadnamedkatelyn

I’m Katelyn and I’m 13! I don’t do anything in my life except for lacrosse and cheer and love Taylor swift. I have red hair, & Taylor Swift is my absolute best friend and my life wouldn’t be the same without her. And I owe so much to her. And basically I’m known as “the Taylor swift girl” at school so that’s kinda cool. Anyways The moral of this is I love Taylor swift!

Lexie: @drunkonswiftxo

I’m lexie, 18 years old. I have a very busy life actually, I compete in many different karate and martial arts competitions and was British Champion in 2016 with my sword and in October of this year I am competing in the World Martial Arts Games! Before any competition I usually get very nervous but listening to Taylor’s music calms me down (cringe ikr) but I wouldn’t be doing all of these if I didnt have a calming mechanism!

Natalia: @natalialovestaylor

hi! i’m natalia, i’m 15 and from the bay area. taylor has been in my life since i was 8 and i’ve been supporting her ever sense:) she makes me so happy, she’s like the sunlight in my life. i want her to know that i love her so much and i want to hug her and tell her thank you more than anything. 💗

Katie: @shapeofyouswift

hi i’m katie and i’m 16! i’m from ny and i went to all 3 metlife shows!! i’ve been seeing taylor in concert since the fearless era and i’ve seen her 11 times! i’m fortune to have met her 5 years ago at GMA and i was able to get a picture with her outside time 100 gala! taylor makes me so happy and has helped me through many rough times in my life as well as all of the happiest! i’m so thankful to have such a positive role model in my life!!

Meredith:

I’m Meredith and I love Taylor Swift more than words can describe:) I’ve been listening to Taylor since I was four and she has always been a big part of my life since then !! She inspires me everyday and makes my life so much brighter. I am so so proud of her and all that she has done!! Also, I love going to the beach and petting dogs🤩💓

Memphis: @taysmidnights

hi i’m memphis!! i play tennis and obsess over taylor swift! i’m from the beautiful state of california, and i love to surf! i first heard a ts song (You Belong With Me) in 2009, and i’ve loved taylor ever since. i am also a proud supporter of the LGBTQ+ community and have a passion for changing our world. oh, and i’m known as “that taylor swift fan” at my school, but i’m not complaining! 🧚🏼‍♀️

Brooke: @brookewhatyoumademedo

i’m brooke and i’m 14!! i live in cleveland, ohio along with some of my best friends i met through taylor!! i look a lot older than i am and it’s a good and bad thing haha. i used to play a lot of sports but i have decided to just stick with lacrosse!! i love music so much because it helps me with everything. taylor has been like my big sister since i was a baby and i’ve always looked up to her!! my stan song is stay stay stay because it always puts me in the best mood!! i love grey’s anatomy a little too much but i can’t help it. the show actually made me very interested in the medical field and as of now i want to be a pediatric neurosurgeon!! i also love volunteering and helping out my community as much as possible! and i like school which is kind of not something freshman say a lot haha. and that’s me!☀️🌸🦋💘💋

Paige: @taylorswift-paige

Hey! I’m Paige & I’m 21 (soon to be 22 😍). I live in Australia and I’ve been listening to Taylor since I was 9. The first time I saw Taylor perform live was at Speak Now and I was completely blown away, since then I’ve been lucky enough to see her perform 6 times. I’m so grateful that little me decided to listen to Taylor as I don’t know where I would be without her lyrics, music, and advice to guide me through life. Thankyou for everything Taylor, I love you so much and I’m so excited for the Lover era 💗😘

Skylar: @skylarswiftie13

Hey I’m Skylar and I’m 15!! I have been loving Taylor ever since I was 5 and I have (obviously) not stopped since. Other than obsessing over Taylor I loveee to run and watch friends and greys !! I have seen Taylor at the 1989 tour Detroit and Rep Detroit and they were hands down the BEST nights of my life and I def cried a TON hahah. I plan on going to Nash and either Chicago or Detroit for next tour! I absolutely cannot wait until the day that I get to wrap my arms around Taylor and thank her for everything she has done for me ahhh. I love you forever and always Taylor!! 🥰❤️🌈🦋✨☀️

@singitswiftie

Hi Taylor I’m ella and I’m turning 17 in August 12th! IM SO EXCITED FOR THE NEW ALBUM! I just can wait to sing along to all of the songs🥰🥰 you are my absolute favorite human and you helped me with your songs! clean means THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD to me and I just relate to it on a personal level. Thank you for supporting lgbtqia+ always! YOU DESERVE THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD

Makayla @comebackbbehere

Hey T I’m Makayla!! I’m 13 and I’ve loved you since 2009!! My stan song is Come Back... Be Here not only because it’s amazing but because it has helped me through so so so SO much. It’s amazing how you can, with just a song, literally save someone’s life from spiraling downhill. So thank you. Thank you also, for inspiring so many people. Including me! You have inspired me to sing and write songs and songwriting is now a way I have learned to express myself and a way to help me get through the hard times. You have also inspired me to be more of an activist and speak up for what I believe in. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be a proud feminist or be as educated about the LGBTQ+ community!! In conclusion, thank you SO SO SO much for everything you do and just being the beautiful, amazing, inspiring person you are. I love you more than words can express and I can’t wait for August 23rd!!! ps: I really hope we can hug someday 💗

Bessie: @flyawayswift

Hey !! I’m Bessie, I’m 17 and I’m from the UK 🇬🇧!! I love to do Ballet and Tap dancing, but when it comes to Taylor’s music it’s generally just me doing crazy dad-dancing because I cannot stay calm during her songs. There’s aren’t many words which can sum up accurately how much I love Taylor or how grateful I am to have her in my life, but I love her to the moon and back 💛 I’ve been a swiftie for nearly 5 years, and have loved her music since I was 11. I’ve grown up with her as the big sister I never had, and my biggest dream EVER is to give her the biggest hug hehehe 💛💛

ana: @taysfavourite

hey!! i’m ana and i’m 14, i’m from the uk!! i love taylor (ofc) and i do gymnastics, i also love dance and stuff like that!! i am so thankful for taylor bringing me to some of my best friends!! (i’m always open for new friends btw) and yeah i love taylor!so!much! 💋💋💋

alex: @delicateswiftiez137

hi guys! i’m alex and i’m 14 years old. I live in illinois, and i’ve been a fan of taylor ever since I first heard love story and yblwm on the radio as a kid! my stan song is fearless because I love the message it portrays, but recently i’ve been OBESSED with the whole 1989 album because it’s a literal masterpiece! besides taylor related things, one hobby of mine is swimming! i’ve been a swimmer since I was about 2 years old! anyways, I hope you all have the best day! 🧁🌸🦋💗💋

Edith: @twinfiresignsswift

Hi, my name is Edith and I’m a 15 yr old from California! Anything related to cats is my ideal thing. I’m currently the mother of a tabby cat named Jagger who is very shy, grumpy, and introverted just like me, so the two of us get along very well 🥳 both of us are def party poopers. Anyway I enjoy art, especially watercolor! Initially I wanted to become an artist when I grew up, but I realized I would be poor asf, so now I want to major in biology and become some type of zoologist because animals are the best. In 2014, 5th grader me became obsessed with Blank Space and my life immediately changed from that day on. My favorite album is Speak Now because of how magical and well written it is. My 1 brain cell could never manage to write a whole masterpiece like that all by myself. And my stan song is You Are in Love!! It makes my heart go 💕💗💓 I am so incredibly grateful that I got to see Taylor for the first time ever on rep Pasadena night 1. It was the best day of my life :,) I know so many others do not have the same opportunities; I know how they feel, so I try to stay as humble as I can. I would be such a boring and sad person without Taylor and her amazing lyrics. She is such an amazing role model. Thank you for always being there for me, I will love you forever and always, and I am so excited to see what you have in stock❤️

Jess: @jessheartstaylor

hey!! I’m Jess and I’m 14, from the UK!! My stan song is begin again, I love it so much!! IM SO EXCITED FOR LOVER! I can’t wait to see what Taylor has in store for us!! I’m so thankful for Taylor as she’s such an incredible role model and idol to me, her music always cheers me up and she never fails to make me smile!! I love her so much- forever and always!! 💕💞💓💗💖💝

jordan: @fairytaleswift

hey taylor!! the thought of you scrolling all the way down and reading this right now is insane... all of us girls love you with everything inside of us. I have been supporting you for lucky number 13 years!!! I’ve been with you since 2006! I have been to Speak Now, Red, 1989 and Rep! I am so excited for Lover! It has been an honor watching you grow and become the amazing and strong woman you are today. I love you so much taylor... I hope we get to hug soon! 💗🌥🍭🦄🌩🌸🌈💐🦋💗💓🥰💅🏻🌥

Ravae: @vaelovestaytayswift

Hey I’m Ravae!! I’ve loved Taylor for as long as I can remember my sister has listened to her forever so I grew up listening to her!! Taylor inspires me everyday to be a better person and she’s a great role model. Her music helps me through the really rough times but also puts me in a better mood through the good times! I hope to meet you one day! Love you Tay🦋💞🌈💘🥺

Gracie: @inredlipsticks

Hey, Taylor! I’m Gracie and I’m 20 as of June 22nd. I’ve loved you since debut and my favorite album of all time is Fearless. I’ve been fortunate enough to see you four times and hopefully more on the lover tour 💗 along with Taylor, I also love Selena Gomez, Disney, and dogs!! 💗🦋🌸 The four most important things in my life.

Ella: @ellalovesswift

Hey! My name is Ella and I’m 17 years old. I’ve loved Taylor ever since the day my dad thought I needed my own music instead of just listening to his, this was when I was just seven years old and my dad bought me the fearless album and I fell in love with Love Story!! Ever since then I’ve never stopped loving Taylor! Other than her music, I’ve grown up with Taylor and every day she has inspired me to be a better person! My favourite songs are enchanted, better than revenge and dress! I’ve been to the red and reputation tours in Melbourne! Other than Taylor I am a swimmer. I swim a lot and it’s been a part of my life since before Taylor! I hope one day I can hug her and tell her how much she’s impacted my life! I will always stay, love you Tay 💗🦋💓🌸

bri: @briadorestay

hi t! my name is bri and i am 13 (turning 14 on august 19th) i have loved you since i was 5 years old and my stan songs are the archer, ciwyw, and you are in love. the soft songs🥺🥺 i love you so much and i hope you never stop doing what you’re doing because you are so inspiring!! i love u so much buddy! see you one day?🧚‍♀️☁️🌸💘🥺💗⭐️🕊

[redditnosleep]

I Found My Brother’s Diary

by healthyear. Trigger warning for child abuse.

May 30th 2015

Hi journal. I dont wanna call you a diary or else the kids at school will make fun of me. And I dont want them to do that. Its allmost summer and I cant wait. I cant even beleive Im almost done with second grade. Im so old! Soon Im going to be 30 and being an astronot. I cant wait for summer. I mean Mr. Riley is cool and he gives me candy but I dont want to stay in his class forever!

Me and Luke are going to play all summer it will be so fun. We are gunna play video games and monopoloy, monopoloy is my favorite bored game. We are gunna go to the beach and the zoo and the park. Luke is my bestest friend and Im so glad I have him. Nobody else at school really wants to play with me. Except for Sidney but she only laffs the whole time! Some times she pushes me and laffs . Im never sure whats so funny but i laff to becus shes laffing! I like to laff.

I have to go now. Ill talk to you later!

June 2nd, 2015

Sorry I forget to write some times. I have been busy. Me and Luke have been playing. Im so glad I have someone to play with. Last year I had to play with immaginarey friends, since I didnt have Luke. Luke just moved here this school year. Nobody else had immaginarey friends anymore accept for me so it was kinda embaresing.

But now I have someone. I have Luke!! Hes so nice to me and Im so happy to have him.

June 4th, 2015

Sorry I keep forgeting!!!! I will try to talk to you every day now. Yesterday Luke and I were playing and then he holded my hand. I liked it. I saw big kids at school and out at the store holding hands befour but I had never ever done it. I like Luke a lot.

June 5th, 2015

Today at the dinner table daddy was talking abowt gay mareige. He doesnt like it. He said all kweers should dye. I dont know what a kweer is but they must be bad.

I just asked mommy what a kweer is and she said a gay. I dont know what a gay is eether but i will ask Luke tommorow may be he will know.

June 6th, 2015

Luke kissed me!!! I asked him what a gay is and he kissed me and said thats what a gay is!! I was scared at first he scared me but then I was happy I liked it and then I was scared because I liked it. I dont want daddy to hate me. I have to talk to him and tell him gay is ok. Luke told me not to do that and it would be bad. I dont want to listen to Luke tho I want to tell daddy that I did a gay.

June 8th, 2015

I told daddy. He yelled at me and took me up to my room. I started crying. He said I will give you some thing to cry about.He yelled at me moore and told me it was bad. He beat me up a lot. Worse than the kids at school. I cant reelly feel my left hand but Im write handed so its ok. My eyes are both swoolen, thats what mommy said.

Mommy was crying to. I dont know why. Daddy didnt give her something to cry about.

June 9th, 2015

I told Luke I told daddy. He got mad at me to. But he didnt beat me up. He asked if I told daddy about him. I said no and Luke was happy again. I like when Luke is happy. I dont reelly like beeing at home write now. I told Luke that and he said he could help me. Im happy.

June 12th, 2015

Sorry!!!! I forget again. I have been busy playing with Luke. He made a plan. We are going to leave and then daddy wont beat me up again. Luke is xsited for this plan and me to. I dont want daddy to beat me up again. It hurts a lot. I think Im going to have to leave you behind journal. Thanks for allways beeing there for me just like Luke is.

June 15th, 2015

My brother Andrew saw me with Luke yesterday. He told me to stop playing with him. I think Andrew doesnt like kweers eether. Thats ok I will be a way with Luke soon.

Reading this made my heart, first swell as I learned about his cute boyfriend, and then break as I learned what my father had done to him. It finally sank as I realized his cute boyfriend had been the 40 year old man I had told him to stay away from. My brother has been missing since June 17th, 2015, and presumed dead on August 23rd, 2015.

I do not think he is dead. If you find a suspicious 40-looking year-old man in the Miami area with an 11 year old boy, he responds to the name of ‘Brandon’. Please help find him, police have stopped working with me, since it has been so long. It also might not help that I am a 16 year old boy, so I am not the most reliable source. But please. I miss him so much, and if you were me, you would want your brother back, too.

[aspectraldisaster]

:^) depression and life bullshit ahead

Idk if I’m having some sort of identity crisis or what at this point but I’m struggling more than usual. I’ve spent almost 2 weeks at home trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life, where I want to go, what I want my job to be. Do I want to take a year off, or do I want to apply to grad school next fall? And at the same time I’m wondering if I should let myself keep my hair blue or dye it back to something natural to try and increase my chances at getting an internship in the fall. and I still worry, what if this isn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life? I love my major but I’m so worried theres something missing or that I’ll find something new too late. will it be a waste of money to go this far?

And at the same time I worry about my future I’m sitting here frustrated at myself because I’ve been playing video games for days on end, yet I’ve got a stack of books that have been unread since I started working on my associates degree three years ago and I finished that so why haven’t I finished these books? I don’t even wear makeup anymore when I go out aside from occasionally doing my eyebrows, which is frustrating because I have so much of it and it helps me feel better but I’m just /stuck/ if that makes any sense. I just can’t. 

I hate that too, the I just can’t feeling. its like a lump in my throat, it hurts, I want to but something is stopping me. 

I had so many plans for this summer and its already mid july and I havent done anything but sit here and cry and stay up all night and get shitty sleep. I wanted to go to oregon and visit portland for a while and I haven’t, I wanted to go to the beach and I haven’t. what have I been doing? isolating myself, which in some aspects is nice because I’ve saved enough to buy myself a new tv, but its been horrid. I can’t look at myself in the mirror because I feel like im letting myself waste and wallow and letting the opportunities pass. 

and why are they passing? why am I letting them. IM STUCK. I cant even fucking leave at night without feeling guilty even if I just want to drive around and do something. its just fucking guilt and sadness and i burst into tears for no reason anymore. I feel out of control. 

and its starting to loom over me again, the anniversary of most possibly the shittiest event of my life. its august 12th, just four days before my birthday and it ruins the week leading up to my birthday every year now. I have so much regret about the things I could of done, wish I could have done differently. and was losing the court case after the fact my fault? its still so hard to talk about and I have nightmares all the time, replaying every moment, I can still feel the police kicking in the door onto me. watching the shadow of a hand come around the corner to pepper spray me, and it receding when they didnt. I have triggers now and its so hard to get through life when they keep popping up. I cant let the screen doors be open anymore, it scares me even though I know its cooler outside than it is inside. 

I sit here at night cleaning or crying or just staring at a dark ceiling and I hate all of this, I hate myself, I hate that I broke my streak of not self harming, I hate that I can’t control my mental stability and how I react when people wrong me. I started just cutting people out for stuff that I’m probably overthinking.

And I want to get help, and get medication for my depression at least and my anxiety if I can but I don’t know how and those first steps make me shake and freeze up and every time I feel like im ready I back down. 

[x-puerbulla-x]

Im drainned dude

hi 10:33 18/08/2019

i need to vent my minds a mess idk, i havvent stopped in months and it has been very draining so i guess idk i didnt wannaa sounds cocky saying all the things i did but for the sake of me wanting tto le it out i will and all of this to lead uo tot he present that was me being eith my dad today and how it was, how i feel about it i guess. So it all starts back in may, 3 months ago, where i was trying to survive with my grades i had to make sure everything was gonna go smoothly in my desenho exam and then i also was starting to feel pressure cause june was coming uo and tbh june is just streeeessssfull, theres first mels birthday on 1st June and one week before we took her to the tosquia too, then theres Beas burthday but also my sobrinho santiago was born, on the 5th an then beas birthday is on the 6th, then theres the aniversary off bea and i's first date in the 16th wheere we had previously planned wed recreate to celebrate and then theres bea and i's actual birthday on the 22nd and we went to pride but i was all very hard cause idk i guess we wanted our first birthday to be good (or at least i really dis which gave it some pressure), but it happened;; we celebrated at pride cause we were lucky enouh this year it was on he 22nd, the 2 days later its my moms birthday and i usually dont do anything but this time i decided i was gnna do something and i did, i recreated her gradma's torta, clean the whole house spotless and then i recreated a card i had made for her back in '06;;; on top of all of these ne is exam seasson and i had to hardcore study for gd everyday trying to reach a unreachable goal of 67 exercises, with so much gd i ended up forgetting a litte about portugues and had to study last minute, luckly i knew what i was doing cause m aware i know pessoa pretty well so my plan was just to study the rest but i dont think i gave it enough time sinse i had an 8, the to desenho i didnt study cause cockly, i dont need to, i had a 13,4 which i wasnt happy with but thats life i guess, it wasnt woth the money tryng to ask for a revisao, well, and at gd i had a 5, when i needed a 10 cause i was aluna externa this resulted that after this hell of a month i had to suffer another one cause i neeeded to learn everything i didnt lean in 1 and a half years id gd, in les than a month so i had to stuy like a crazzy person, this time i didnt have to do 67 exercices it was a lot less but still i couldnt do it and i did as much as i could and more i broke down 10000 billion time ad i thought i couldnt do it i didnt fee prepared and tbh i was terrafied cause if i faied this exam i didnt have my 12th grade done and it as a pain in the ass to think about but still after madess of stdying gd all day and until 5 am i did it only with a 11;;; but i didd  it then that hell of a month ended and we get to this present moth but before that had sams birthday coming up and i wanted to surprise him with a cake cause bea and i had offered him cookie cake not knowing he was vegan now and it was dissapointing when we were like ,,, so you cant have it? cause we didnt know we wasnt jus veegetarian anymore blah blah blah, i had to do preaparations for his birthday and it was stressful, i wanted it to be good, the the day after we celebrate sams birthday im still not able to sit and relax a little cause its 2nd august and bea and i are going to veiros, dont get me wrong i was the one deciding to go but god i was tiring, i had more fun than last time i was there but theere wasa lot more stress too cause renataa was trying to cionvince us to go to university the whole time and it was a pain tbh cause i didnt know what to do but i ha a slight ide that i did wanna go bt then the problem was that because of that they ere all using me as an eexample to convince bea and i felt pressure to be like yeah im absolutely for sure going;;; at the end of the say i didd decide i wanted to go but then i was more stressed cause the dates were ending an i didnt havee my passe for dges cause there was a problem with it and my fcha enes was stuck to cause apparently you had to do thing in the secretaria to pik it up so i emailed the help line of dges for the password and asked my mom to go to school to ick up my ficha and ii did manage to have the pass in time but then the lady lied about the time the secretaria was open apparently cause when lena and my mom went there it was closed and i gess that meant that steess was over but id didnt manage to do the cadidatura in the 1st fase,;;;; which later on i found out i couldnt even do in the first place cause people with exams in the 2nd fase cant do the candidatura in the 1st fase soyahhhh unnecesary stess and now i need to wait until 9th september to do my candidatura and pray im accepted indesenho or pintura cause i do not want escultura as a everyday thing or at least i dont think i do ~ so;;; were n veiros also therees tension in the air cause tia tania an vo rosa are mad at each other, we did a lit of things everyday ehch made it less boring but i was so tired already that doing so much stuff wasnt my favourite at times now we came back 4 days ago but i still havent stoped and im tiredddddd, i think i only stayed 1 day home and it was to clean, we arrived in the 12, i slept in beas house and stayed ther the 13th, then i was home on the 14th, then there was the attempt to go to school take care of the ficha and it as closed but then spent the day with david and sof and bee, then my brother invited me to go meet santiag and then i actually went to school again and go stuff done and then the day arrived and i spent the day with andre and the baby, a friend, lena and rafaela, and her mom too for a bit (she was nice). all pf this leading up for today and this week, today i met with my dad just outside my house, he had miriam and pff idk he was having a talk to me cause we walked shiro and he was just saying o ho mirriam remind him of me and how were very alike and idk what to think of that, he said or drawings are the same and that she has my feitio, asked me to go to his place some day and all and idk it was confusing, he made me remember memories i was repressing, good ones but idk if itss good for me to remember those things, he reminded me of when i used hus bike and surprised him cause i was sall and he used to be on a bike aand id always ask like you could let me use it and etc etc and he was like come on mariana podes la tua andar com a bicicleta do pai its too big and all that and i told hm i couldnt go on it alone cause it was to tall but if he put me up there i could ride it and he did probably just to shit me up and i rode it to the end of the street did a cirve and got back and he was choked and all of this cause he said he really wanted miriam to learn too. he compared me a lot to her and talked about ho he still has lots of my stuff;;;;;;; i complainted about my doctor octopus;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; i guess it was to avoi talking about the situation with lena but he did meantion her at all ot as little as possible and it was weird cause that made it so that the way it was talking it was like i was his only daugther or that lena was never there which made me wonder about things idk i guess i never realised to what degreee i was ay closer to my dad than lena, its no surprisse we always knew lena got the looks of his side of the family but i got the personalty thats why me and andre get along so well (also andres sun is my moon cough) im pretty sure me seeing my dad makes my mom sad too, understandably so i dont plan to do it often, not everyone can be happy in this story and its definitely not my mom going to be the one thats not happy, i own her everything i ever had and tbh i only acceot the times i do see my dad out of ity and guilt and cause admiditely i do miss and crave having a dad idk i guess i never had one for real but id like to, but it doesnt sound very realitic so im not too expectant i dont believe i is ever going to happen i hope days fro here forward are a little more chill although i doubt that, at least for a week or so, maybe a few days if im lucky but today im meeting bea and sleeping there se if thats a bit relaxing, then tomorrow im supposed to go soewhwere with david and sof and then the day after with david, sof and sam so yah know, a bit busy i wanted to pint and to draw do thins in my sketchbook cause there hasnt been much time ffor that or cabeça i guess and knoowing myself i feel like that might work on making me a little better before the mess starts again cause of the candidaturas in like 2 weeks

anyway

12:46 18/08/2019 bye

[imlovedandalive-blog1]

First Journal Entry.

I wrote this today but on another platform. Just making this to keep track of my life.Just going to paste it here.

“   I want to leave some sort of trail to look back on in a few years. Ill just sum up the last few years. From 2014-now 2018. In 8th grade I really started to make lifelong friends. It was one of my favorite years of school with Ms. Cooper as my ela teacher. My friend Diego also became one of my best that year and he still is. Same with Bryan. I am much closer with Bryan today. I also was really good friends with both Zachs. Although I have compeltely lost contact with them. Havent talked to either of them since 9th grade. That year kinda sucked. I barley had any good classes or classes with friends. I did start talking to my other really good friend Tyler that year. Also my friend nick who I havent really seen recently. Nothing eventful happened that year. Skip forward to the end of 9th grade and I started talking to kara. I was so fucking happy that a girl actually liked me and wanted to date. I was super nervous but we went out on a date and it went really well. I felt on top of the world. I always had a weird vibe about her. She a few months in became controlling and abusive. Made me bleed a few times. My whole family hated her. And her own family were mean to her. After all she did to me, I still felt bad for her and I still do in some ways. When she was nice she was the nicest girl in the world. When she was mean, she was evil. I dated her from the end of 9th grade to the end of 10th grade to almost the start of 11th. She broke up with me after a year and 2 months. August 8th. When she did I has a panic attack and almost fainted. But being the cruel person she is, she led me on for another month or so making me think she was going to get back with me, I had my hoped up so high and I missed her so much. Eventually she just said its over for real, but always left a little hope by saying "one day". It had me fucked up for months after. I should have cut ties sooner. It only hurts more. That is one big lesson I learned. Do not keep in touch with your ex if you want to get over them. Then in may I made the mistake of going to see her at the mall. Which only ended terrible. She made me pay for her food and tried to kiss me. i wanted to so bad but i didnt. I dont know why. She got mad. I forget why. She left and i was alone in the mall crying in the corner bench where bestbuy used to be. Rewind a bit. Start of 11th grade I started a band with bryan. it was called out of breath and it was me, bryan, diego and george. Diego was only in for a day. I love diego but he just was so bad and didnt practice the songs at all. He isnt as into music as me and bryan are. Which is ok. one whole year later we finally got our first show. By that time we had made about 30 songs. Only of which 5 actually made it onto the demo we are proud of. So now its 12th grade. In the july before 12th started, This girl jessica messaged me. She said I was cute and she wanted to keep talking to me. She was In florida at the time with her dad. I waited a whole month for her to get back. But just before we went on a date I got really sick after spending a few nights at jimny peak for my grandpas birthday. My throat hurt so bad. I didnt eat for 5 days. barley drank. I finally got better and ate and drank as much as i could. When i went to the hispital i had dreams about drinking apple juice and soda. It was the worst. I probably lost 5 pounds. Finally I went on the date with jess. i really did like her. She was only 15 however. We saw anabelle or something. I forget. I had a realy nice time and the feeling of someone else laying on me and holding me was something i really really missed. I was so happy. She was just really immature. She had depression and lots of problems. We broke up after she got drunk with a bunch of 20 something year olds. I cant stand drinking, smoking or drugs. And I am so fucking serious. I am done with that after what she did. A few days about a week before that happened. This girl krystal had moved back from florida. In 9th grade I would always see her. apprently we used to talk in homeroom but i dont remember that at all. She was one of those girls i just didnt think i was allowed to talk to. There are still those fucking people. The ones you cant talk to. You know what i mean. Thats all she talked to too. All the girls i had been friends with and now i wasnt. For the better honestly. They turned into druggies and whores. But she moved back after a few years in florida. i didnt think much of it. The  she liked all my pics on ig and i did the same. She also sent me a pic on christmas eve. I almost replied. i didnt tho. The next night she actually messaged me. She sent a heart face to my snap story. we started talking and i really started to like her even tho I had a girlfriend. Within 5 days of the breakup we started dating. We saw insideous. I was beyond happy and had never felt this before ever. Its also sad and tragic that the week leading up to that all my friend just roasted the shit out of her and called her a whore and said i shouldnt feel bad if i just ignored her. That made me a little sad but whatever. She then explained that she used to party get drunk and did xanax. Talk about a fucking turnoff. It still bothers me and sometimes i cant sleep. Why the fuck would you want to drink poison? I swear people who drink are fucking retarded. When you all have liver failure youll see whos right. And she claims that her step dad is dope for giving her weed money. Parents who love their fucking kids dont give them weed money. Literally fuck off with that shit. Weed is also the drug of choice for many LOSERS. I guess she doesnt anymore. But still the fact that she was a fuck up partier whore who slept with 2 people she wasnt in a relationship with. pisses me the fuck off. If you dont wanna almost get pregnant dont take xanax when youre drunk you fucking cunt. Sorry. i love her. And i feel like shes fading from me honestly. Yesterday at lunch we just didnt talk. And we barley have since then. we used to all the time. Shed leave me paragraphs. None of that anymore. She also always has a fucking attitude when I ask anything any boyfriend would. And she never comforts me when Im sad. She never fucking talks things through or tries to see my side of the fucking story. My feelings dont matter when we argue. If shes mad, im wrong. If shes sad, im wrong. It hurts me beyond belief  and we never accomplish anything. When you argue you need to see each others side. Maybe just both say sorry and move on so you both feel like you win. When she cries i hug and kiss her and say its all gonna be ok. When i cry. She looks away. When im sad she doesnt do anything. She said she sucks at comforting people. How hard is it to kiss me or hug me when im sad? you dont need to say anything. She really hurts me sometimes and makes me feel like i dont mean as much as i did. i also really dont want her to leave for the navy. Because if that happens. you know what happens. You grow apart. You fall out of love. Thats the sad truth. I dont want that. I also still feel like shes cheating or shes goig to cheat on me with someone when she goes to florida during break. With one of her guy "friends". Or smoke weed or drink. if i find out she smoked or got drunk. i am leaving her. no trace. "sober eyes are the truest ones" and i refuse to be with someone who smokes or drinks for fun. Poison. Ok thats allup until now. Im sitting her and have been writing for 30 min. Today was weird. But I still feel sad. She doesnt seem into me at all. She doesnt ask to see me. She never even messages me first. I know its dumb, but it hurts me.”

[wheel-deal]

you wasted my time, made me worry for nothing, lied to me, didn’t believe me, mocked me, insulted me, cheated me, devalued me, strait up refused to communicate with me despite begging.

On the day my grandmother was dying you kept bugging me as to why i wasn’t with you and would accept “personal reasons” as an answer. Despite the fact that I had a lot going on that day I still was thinking about you and still did my job but you ignored me.

I did everything, expected so little, was still disappointed. what was the point???

If you want me to fix everything for you, do everything for you, give me the authority to do so. This relationship needs to be a two way street, I can’t do anything unless you tell me what needs to be done, and I can’t make a difference if I do all the work but you don’t do anything with it.

The worst part is this isnt even about a dating relationship im in. I am the SECRETARY of anime club at school. 

Only one person ran for president and i didnt want to run as well because i wanted to be nice, since he was the only one to run he didnt have to give a speech. Someone else ran for treasurer so i didnt run for that, didnt have to give a speech. I didnt know that anyone else was running for vice president so I wrote a speech as we were supposed to but the day comes around and another person wanted to run for VP. She was shy and didnt want to give a speech so i didnt give mine. Now this girl was quiet and didnt do much for the club, ive gone to 90+% of meeting and helped organize stuff in my freetime in the past and card a lot for the club so i thought for sure id get it. I lost.

Later at the first meeting for clubs (clubs as in all clubs not our club) I went because i wanted to not because i had to nor did I, heck probably i shouldnt have but i wanted to because i wanted to see what our club was expected to do. Turns out clubs need a secretary or they get shut down so the president is like “Hey your here be the secretary please, all you have to do is paperwork” and i was like “Okay”

Now the president has the club binder with paperwork and junk, and since he doesnt do anything and expects me  to do everything i asked if maybe I could see and or have the binder and he said no because the president is supposed to have it. And so i asked where it was and he said he leaves it at home because he doesnt want to carry it around

So when we needed papers for signing up and orders for club shirts i had nothing, and since every kinda knew im the one running things they asked me for papers and i said “I dont have papers (im given nothing) go ask the president” and what doesn our great president say??? “go ask (me)” 

okay

And what does the VP the one who won over me do? She shows up late and literally runs in and hides behind a desk because she is shy... Also she was co in charge of dance (clubs preform a dance once a year) planning with some boy??? idk who he is he just shows up does dance practice and orders us the officers around...

Now Treasurer, i lied he did give a speech “im good at numbers... so i can be treasurer” At the beging of the year i shared a study period with him so we got work done together and planned stuff, but that only worked out 40% of the time because we have no communication as officers. But This dude he complains that no one else (besides him and me) do anything BUT THIS DUDE didnt look up how to spend money as a club and so i payed $180 out of my family’s pockets to buy stuff for club which you arent supposed to do so I looked like an idiot and wasnt able to pay my family back and he kept making fun of me for that mistake. 

ALSO please to anyone reading this thank you for your time but remember This dude. He is rude and self described as “evil” So he claimed no one else did anything but then he signed up for theater so he is expected to be there from 2:30 (we get out at 2:10 and arent allowed to start club until 2:30 so guess who always leaves and doesnt do anything???

SO this rant is leading up to carnival, the day at school where clubs sell food to get money for club. As anime club we sell Pocky, Ramune, and Pork buns. I know no one else does anything so i went to work planning for carnival at the begining of the school year (August)

I found out there is an asian market that sells the ramune so i went with my dad and bought 100 bottles. Not a lot really our school has 2200 students so thats a small number, carival has so many people. But all of the paperwork on how much we bought in the past years is either lost or recorded in paperwork i dont get access to as mentioned earlier. So better to buy little and sell out quick right? This was the incident where i lost my families money. There is a stupid school rule where you cant spend more than $100 per day. well the stuff was $1.80 each so welp... we couldnt get re reimbursed.

Upset obviously i tried to find out all of the rules to order stuff so i wouldnt mess up again. But the problem is the rules lady person is on the opposite side of school. (our school is long) And my ride comes to pick me up right after school gets out and i cant be late so finding time to go talk to her never really happened. and it stressed me the heck out. I asked the treasurer to do stuff since thats you know his job but he never did anything!! ! and by this point i should have nown he doent pull his own weight but im a trusting forgiving person and it is awful but my nature, wish i wasnt...

JANUARY 12th I asked him to get the pricing of the porkbuns, he knew a place that had them but we needed pricing and know if we have to pick the up or not. EVERY WEEK FROM JAN 12 TO FEB 28th I ASKED HIM. I asked him for prices or status or anything and he would actually run away from me to “go to theater” I asked him if he wasnt or couldnt get pricing because he was busy with the play if he could text me the name of the bakery and Id do it myself... i already did everything else. HE DIDNT EVEN DO THIS. 

so we come to the rest of the week. I skip my own lunch to go and track him down at his study period that we used to have together eand tell him me have less than 2 weeks to order the buns and i beg and plead