#Im feeling bitter sorry but like i hate hanging out with friends and constantly having to be like Srry jm blind in this ear Srry I cant see | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

strawberries-n-sugar · 4 years ago

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Okay, I found this blog and I found her request which I relate to so much constantly so I wanted to do it. Warnings, cussing, lots and lots of cussing and screaming and tears, maybe hint of really dark talk if you are triggered by that; I'm not sure how to describe it unless you actually read, reader has been mentally abused manipulated and taken advantage of her whole life and it takes tole, stress and exhaustion, mentally breaking, loathing life and your job, bitterness and hatred of people, a kind person growing tired and angry. Tom and reader's relationship is open for the reader to decide and please keep in mind whereas this has some realistic topics it is FANFICTION, not meant to offend or disrespect anyone

Can someone write me a fic, where the main character comes home pissed off at a coworker, stressed out. She's ready to beat her down and Tom Hiddleston calms her down @traceyaudette

You had gotten off of work well over an hour ago after getting off nearly two hours late. When you first got off you were fuming, still talking at 20 miles a minute and Tom could barely understand every third word that passed through your lips. He had tried to speak with you but that seemed like it wasn't going to happen so now he sat and let you blow off some steam and stress from work. At this point you had calmed down a bit, sort of, he could understand you now at least. What you were saying now sounded like English anyway. This was actually a normal thing, almost daily. He hated it for you to say the least.

"I am just so tired of being screamed at! Im tired! I am so so tired of everyone yelling at me! They won't stop yelling! I'm a fuck up, I get that but damn it I am trying so fucking hard and I am doing my best! I'm sorry I am not perfect! Im trying! Im trying! I know I'm not good enough because Im co stantly told, I always have been! Daddy told me! Teachers! Momma! Teachers! Principals! Friends! Boyfriends! Girlfriends! Now my managers and coworkers! I try my fucking damdest to be nice but sometimes I think I am too nice! The only person who ever thought I was good enough was my aunt and I know I have let her down by now! The bad part is I didn't know I was tired and fucked up until a few years ago! And now I cant stop it! I know I am being mistreated and manipulated now and I can't stop it because Im scared! I am only allowed to smile, grit my teeth, apologize and bare it! He will never put more on you than you can take?! Bullshit! Look at me! I'm fucked up and fucked in the head! I am suposed to be grown and-Im so tired! When I do try to defend myself I either get in trouble or don't get taken seriously and Im always told I have a choice but I don't! As soon as I make the wrong choice it bites me in the ass! With the situation now what I don't understand is that if I am so horrible then get someone else! Oh wait, they cant because noone else will take what I do and it is a job noone else wants to do and that is what I am there for! I just want to go to school so I can get out! I want to be happy!! I don't want to quit anymore, I just want to die!" You scream while sobbing and your pain and anguish are obvious. Often times when you got off like this you and Tom would argue and most of the time the worst bits of your breakdowns occured coincedsntally when he was awaya nd you were alone. He knew it was bad but he never imagined this and it broke his heart.

"One day! One day mark my fucking words, I'm gonna get pissed and Ill make somebody listen to me!" You declare and he pushes himself off of his seat, walking over to you. He takes your face in his hands and tries to wipe some of the tears as away. You choke on a lump in your throat causing a sputtered cough and you sniffle all while trying to catch your breath.

"Everybody expects me to smile and bare it and that's all I am able to do but one day Ima' get mad. I will burn it all down. I am about to press faces to fryers."

"Breathe," he coaxes you sensing you begin to start hyperventalating at the verge of an anxiety attack. You swallow again trying to stop crying and it is silent for several moments as he waits for you to try and pull yourself together the best that you can. He uses his thumb to dry your face. "I don't have any tissues handy," he smiles a little, trying to urge you to laugh and it works, "thats it, breathe," he coaches you.

When you are finally only sniffleing and wiping your own face he kisses your head and pulls it to his chest, holding it there with his arms around you. "Alright, here is what is going to happen. Do you need to have a appoinment to be put on your meds again, perhaps a higher dosage?" You shake your head no. "Alright, then do you want therapy?" You shrug honestly, part of you did but the part of you didn't want to be basically called crazy again. "Okay, then I will help you go to school and do all we need to do to get you out of that job," he kisses the top of your head. "Just hang on a bit longer," he rubs your back. You nod against his chest, his heartbeat soothing you as well as the embrace and the words.

"For the moment, you are off for the evening and there is only me and you. You don't have to deal with customers, or managers, or coworkers any more this evening so let's try to relax and you can enjoy yourself and then get some rest. I will get you a nice hot bath, and then we can curl up on the sofa and watch a film, and then I will take you to sleep when I see you are ready to go to bed. How does that sound?"

"Perfect," you smile and hug his waist.

He smiles and walks to draw the bath for you then walks you to the bathroom as he rubs your shoulders, "I'll make snacks and choose a movie," he leaves you to have alone time but leaves the door open. You soak for a bit and when you come out after slipping into some soft comfy warm clothes including your cat sweater and some pajama pants you come out to the kitchen with the sleeves pulled over your hand and your hand by your mouth feeling like a tired and exhasted child with blood shot eyes blown large and innocent.

He smiles at you and walks to the sofa with you, he sits with a arm over you, bringing your head to his lap. He had snacks set out on the table and he turned the movie on. You fall asleep about halfway through the movie and he carries you to bed, kissing your forehead goodnight

#tomhiddleston x reader

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wakasagayhime · 6 years ago

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very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult.

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly. but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after.

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical ��here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017. the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame.

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day.

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself.

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you.

#glub glub #suicide //#self harm //#disordered eating //#rape //

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ywiseul-blog · 6 years ago

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hey ! you can call me nox ( they/them, 18+, cst, shooter for bts + girl groups ) & this is my quietly broody son, iseul ! i’m really excited to be here. i love stardew valley & harvest moon a lot so this is a basically a rp dream come true for me ! he’s a baking major & assistant librarian who still doesn’t really understand the farming life, despite living in yangwon for five years now. i’ll work on his bio soon, but for now here’s his stats page & acceptance post which gives a little insight about what kind of person he is. under the cut you’ll find both a list of wanted connections ( mayhaps i’ll make a fleshed out plots page one day ... don’t count on it :/ ). if you want to plot feel free to hit the like button & i’ll fly to your ims immediately. or you can ask for either my discord or twitter if that makes things easier ( it definitely does for me ) !

wanted connections:

exes (any gender is fine. i love ex plots so please! it can be friendly or angsty. also i am willing to have iseul be the issue in the relationship because he can be rather ... prickly)

hookups (whether on a regular basis or an one night stand type thing. but the location would have to be on your muse because iseul still lives with his parents JKHGDFLKJGHD)

hey maybe a plot where our muses are trying to smash and they have to find out that iseul still lives at home? just for the laffs x

flirtationships that don’t go anywhere

probably the one person who immediately made iseul feel comfortable when he first moved here, his ride or die, the best buddy (must have live in yangwon for at least five years)

childhood friends and/or childhood crushes (for people who used to live in seoul)

someone break down his walls he needs to OPEN UP

talk to him about fantasy! world of warcraft? elder scrolls? dnd? he’s here for it

same goes for horror/the paranormal. while he’s a sensible, logical kind of guy he’d definitely be up for any ghost hunting shenanigans!

his cooking class guinea pigs (he’s good at cooking but even he can have his mess ups sometimes)

maybe a sibling type relationship? he’s distant but he’ll be soft with anyone younger than himself. or maybe an older muse wants to curve his serious attitude and treat him like the kid he actually is

a bad influence (he’s a lightweight when it comes to alcohol and also just needs to get out so please)

library regulars (give me overdue book fee comedic plots like your muse trying to flirt their way out of paying or things of that sort. also iseul being a nag about your muse being on the computer for longer than the allowed two hours. or just him ignoring your muse because he’s too wrapped up in whatever podcast he’s listening to. maybe your muse wants podcast recs from him!)

one-sided pining (i don’t mind who has the caught feelings)

mutual pining

enemies?!

maybe some bickering about his pro joja stance

someone he can bond with over former city life and how much they miss it (that sweet 4g, fast wifi speeds, the bright lights or anything else)

maybe a bullying/pranking type plot? he is a cushy rich boy nerd so. always down for him being relentlessly teased!

study buddies? maybe he tutors your muse and he gets to brag about just how much better your muse’s grades have gotten

some simple life-esque plot where your muse is determined to teach iseul about the farming lifestyle and he utterly fails at all of it

yangwon book club?!?!?!?!

anything you might be able to think of FDJKDKHGDSLKGJD

info dump:

his parents are well off and a little uptight but they love iseul and he loves them. he’s one of those overachievers who’d do anything for his parents. and they’re those people who nag out of love and maybe don’t give iseul the full praise he deserves. he doesn’t hold it against them but he definitely yearns for their constant approval

because of this iseul wears a constant image of feigned perfection. around them he is proper and upstanding, though on the inside he’s rather pessimistic and definitely still hurt over being hoisted from seoul and put in this middle of nowhere town

his parents would be shocked to learn that he curses let alone has any sort of negative thoughts about the life he’s been given. they grew tired of the hustle and bustle of seoul and wanted to retire somewhere quieter, but iseul merely longs for it years later. yet he refuses to leave because he wishes to be near them (his loyalty is ridiculous)

is he bitter? oh yeah absolutely. will he ever let anyone become aware of this? NOPE

books have always been a comfort for him and he loves being surrounded by them hence his current job position. it’s not something he wants to do forever (his true love is cooking) but it’s definitely better than the other options in yangwon. the thought of doing physical labor makes him shudder

he does more book collecting than actual reading especially in adulthood since he doesn’t really have the time for it anymore. but he loves getting different editions of his favorite books, like a different press or published in another language. this is usually what he gets for his birthday or other holidays

podcasts are his preferred form of entertainment. he listens to them constantly at work though he’s not supposed to. he’s gotten in trouble a few times for not paying attention closely enough / straight up ignoring customers, but he blames it on being an airhead, which he is absolutely not (insert video compilation of jungkook zoning out here)

if he gets less than eight hours of sleep a night he will just be a zombie all of the next day. and he’s an old man in that he gets sleepy around nine pm every night

he enjoys learning about people and their secrets but he refuses to open up to anyone in the same way

he’s absolutely pro jojamart sorry yangwon nation :/ he won’t keep quiet about it either so good luck getting him to shut up about it

he knows absolutely nothing about farming despite having lived here for a good chunk of time now (he thinks cows are really cute though)

his favorite flavor of anything is birthday cake. if it exists he wants it

he hates coffee (strangely enough though he loves cafes and will gladly hang out in one any time) and mostly lives off water and juice. maybe the occasional glass of wine when he’s feeling frisky

while he’s not the most considerate person he loves showering people he considers himself close to in baked goods for any reason possible

his opinions are black and white. he never stands in the middle on an issue. the only thing he’s not 100% sure of is whether he believes in ghosts or not. he definitely wants to but can’t fully get behind the logic of it

nothing gets on his nerves more than people who keep books for longer than they’ve checked them out for or when they hang out on the computers for longer than two hours. expect a glare if you do either of these things

he gets lonely a lot but he’s too stubborn to do anything about it

he’s absolutely afraid of commitment and having to express deep emotions to someone but he does crave affection (cuddling and kissing mostly) constantly

he likes to gossip about the people who come into the library and he loves to make up little fantasy lives for them because it keeps him from going insane at work

he acts very uptight about everything and loves to seem like he’s never had any kind of fun in his life but show him a cat video and he’ll immediately soften up

he’s a chaotic bi and all beautiful people of any gender makes him flustered but he tries not to show it (this usually fails)

he doesn’t have much dating experience and he’s too embarrassed to use things like tinder

he’s probably too much like his parents, old-fashioned ideals and all but he’s doing his best!

#yw:intro #⊰ 𝙁𝙄𝙇𝙀 ╱ OOC ⊱#/ phew this is so long i am Sorry

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vagabond-airman · 6 years ago

Text

A couple of the Goddess’ poems (im sorry)

hatehatehate

I still feel like I'm suffocating beneath the weight of your memories

And I hate you and I hate her and I hate the empty cavity in my chest where my heart used to be

And my own insecurities are eating me

God please help me.

I can hardly breath and I can feel my heart shattering and I just want to sleep

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please

go to hell and take your bitch with you.

I wouldn't hate her but she left my male best friend and dumped the poor guy in front of everyone like he was a joke then she stole him and pretended to like two of my other friends just for laughs so I hate her for a lot of reasons

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6:20 pm

everything we made together kept breaking, and now i think it was a sign.

you made a box with a love note and the moment it touched my hands the door broke.

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dear S.

I hate you. I really, really hate you. Every time I see you, I want to break all the bones you have and light your paper flesh on fire. I want to shatter your dreams like you shattered my happiness. I want to take away anything you have ever loved and will ever love, because you took away the only person who ever had my heart. You cracked three ribs ripping him out of my chest, and it seems you bruised my lungs as well. I am left with broken-glass memories, puncture wounds from snapped bones, and scars beneath my skin. So fuck you. Fuck you for being the springtime girl he always deserved. Fuck you for being the lamb he always wanted to protect. Fuck you and your big blue doe eyes and your fluffy blond hair. Fuck you for being the innocent little bitch he always deserved. Fuck you for being my complete opposite. For being a daisy while I'm just a thorn. For not having devious, hazel, almond-shaped eyes and long, wild brown hair and pale, fragile skin. Fuck you for offering him something I never could.

Fuck you for pretending to be a friend when all you wanted was to steal the only person who ever made me feel.

And I especially hate you for making me into an angry, bitter harpy. Because I was never a violent person. Never this vicious. But you've shown me a jealous, furious side of myself that I never knew existed.

Someday, I hope some pretty girl who is nothing like you rips him out of your chest and breaks everything you try to hang on with. I hope she flaunts him in front of your face and leaves you with destruction and ghosts of things you didn't know you could miss so much. Then, you'll be just like me.

Another broken, beautiful thing, dead at his feet.I was hoping writing this would help me get the pain out. My hate is a wound. This letter is the infection running out.

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dear C.

You left me with ears full of lies and a shattered heart. You told me you'd never leave, and now you're gone. You said you loved me. You said she was just a friend. That she wasn't even attractive. I knew you liked her before you knew, and you tried to hide the fact that you took her to every school dance this year that you went to. I tried to pretend like I didn't notice. You pressed me into walls and couches and fences and kissed me till I couldn't stand, sunk your teeth into my lip during our fights, and swore at me for being stupid before swearing you'd never leave me alone again, because I really do need you and I do a lot of stupid things without you. I know I wasn't good enough. You took her to the place you said you would propose to me at. She wears your jacket everywhere, either because she really likes it or because she breaks the heart of every guy she dates and got fucked in the practice room at school and you really don't want to end up like the guy you stole her from. I hate her face and I don't mean to, but she knew about us and she still ripped you from my chest. I know I said a lot of venomous things to you. I believed you when you said you wanted to marry me. When you got on one knee and asked, I said yes. Clearly, you've forgotten that. I wonder if you're going to marry her now. Yes, it probably seems I moved on fast. I was kissing girls and boys and swapping love notes with saliva and telling someone new I loved her within weeks, but we both know how she is and neither of us meant it. I'm with a new boy now, one that's happy with me and doesn't constantly talk about his first love and lie to me about some other girl. He's mine and I'm his. But you hurt me a million times. You hold her hand inches from my face or put your arm around her like you used to do with me. You shoved me aside, literally, to run to her and throw your arms around her. You are a senior and you graduated yesterday. Well, good. I hope I never see your face again. And within a month of school starting, she'll have replaced you with some other guy.

I'll laugh.

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k-lumi · 4 years ago

Text

i feel better

♫ : better - jennette mccurdy

♫ : lovely to love you - evan blum

even with the constant questioning of self-worth,

i’m better, better than i thought i would be,

i’m okay, okay-er than i thought i would be

and despite everything, i hope you are too

10 - 29 - 2020

happy one year, that we’ll never get to celebrate. oddly enough, i’m just in the state of okay, not particularly ecstatic, also not particularly down. i make jokes about it but i think now is the perfect time to open all the things i shoved and ignored after splitting up.

i don’t know how you’re doing so some things here may be wrong but hey, not my fault.

i’ll start this off by saying that i really did love you, i can’t deny that, nor will i ever. i loved you, loved. if i was asked if i still have feelings for you and if i would take you back, i’d answer no.

I no longer love you and I no longer want to take you back.

i’ve mentioned this before, the insane speed i fall for a person is the same with the speed of me moving on. i didn’t really see the point in hanging onto feelings that weren’t even returned anymore, i didn’t see the point in letting myself drown in heartbreak. so with each long ass day, i willed myself to move on, healthily of course, but maybe the fiasco with the bumble thing just quickened my pace.

btw, that shit you pulled with bumble, that’s something i still can’t move on from, hahaha fucking hell, that shit, until now, makes me question my worth and if i was ever enough for you all throughout our relationship. it hasn’t even been like 3 weeks since we broke up and i find out you have shit like that? lol my self-esteem shattered in one second. but what can i do you know? if that’s what you want, it’s your life.

i don’t really group? (i think) that moment with our relationship because it happened when we were over. ignoring all the shit that occurred after we split,

you were good to me, and it sucks hahahah because i badly want to hate you, to just feel even an ounce of anger for everything, but i cant, i can’t even get angry for longer than 3 minutes. i want to have something to blame other than myself but you were fucking good to me.

you make me cry because of it, fucking pathetic, i can’t believe i started crying rn (it’s 1:52am) you were nothing but understanding, you loved me (i hope) and cared for me, and im thankful for that really. this would probably sound ridiculous to my friends hahahah

i’m sorry for the little ‘i hope’ there, the trust i had for you wilted away because of the bumble thing. it’s the reason why i know i wouldn’t consider getting back together, why bother trying again? but of course the main reason is that generally, i’m happy, i’m okay with my life right now, i’m enjoying it. sure there are nights where i wish i still had someone to hold, but i wouldn’t trade what i have right now with anything.

i don’t really know what i wanted to do with this entry, i just felt like i had to at least do something to commemorate this day, it used to be a special day for us anyways. i wonder what we would be like right now if we’re still together, would we meet up? would we be in a fight? would we be in the verge of splitting? or would we still be in love and going strong?

questions that would never be answered, left to the universe being the only one knowing the answers. and that’s okay.

after this, im going to constantly remind myself that i was enough for you, maybe more than enough if i’m generous to myself, the least i could give myself is some ease don’t you think? :) i hope you’re doing okay, and that you get everything you deserve,

i also hope that this is the last thing i write for you. note, for you, not about you, because i’m pretty sure i’d still write things about you, but it’s hidden between words of bitter love and heartache.

i do have more to say, but i think those are best left in my mind.

i loved you, my emerald. thank you.

★

entry 5

10/29/2020

lumi

0 notes

urbanjohnny · 7 years ago

Note

36 & 59... Im testing your angst ability naomi ehehee ʘ ͜ʖ ʘ with taeyong

↳ “I’m tired of being your secret.” || “Don’t say you love me.”

✗ gif credit: neotechs

✗ pairing: taeyong x reader

✗ genre: angst x superstar!taeyong

✗ word count: 1.8k

✗ author’s note: i’m sweating as i upload this. i hope i’ve met your expectations for with this angst haha. also @honeytaeyong happy belated birthday! think of this as a small present i really enjoy writing celebrities/rich people for some reason. what i mean by this au is pretty much taeyong isn’t in nct and he’s instead a solo star who is well rounded in his abilities.

Lee Taeyong was the envy of many. Monthly red-carpet appearances,weekly interviews on morning talk shows, and photo shoots in exotic locations.Designer clothes hand-tailored and delivered to his front door, private loungesfilled with a plethora of expensive liquor, and endless access to an array ofluxurious automobiles and private jets.

Men aspired to live the life he lived and women aspired to live in his life. They all longed to meet thefamous man who turned heads on runways, wooed audiences on the big screen, andperformed on stage to thousands of screaming fans. Lee Taeyong was well-versedin modeling, acting, and singing. He was a global superstar and no one couldargue against that statement.

Yet, there was one aspect of his life that intrigued everyone:where was the girl? Where was his princess, his queen, his true love? For thepast three years there had been rumors and sightings, but no confirmations, noheadlines, and no statements. For someone whose parents were constantlydiscussing possible choices for their son, it was surprising he had yet to findsomeone.

Every red carpet event was done solo and, every intrusive questionthat arose in an interview, Taeyong would smile and simply say he had yet tofind the one.

Though that was not the complete truth.

It was another regular night for Taeyong. Another tailored Armanisuit, a silver Rolex on his wrist, and freshly polished shoes fromFerragamo. His stylists applied a thin layer of makeup upon his face andslicked his freshly washed hair to perfection. After one last check, he wouldhop into a black SUV, ready to appear before the eyes of the media and hisdedicated fansites all lined up in front of the red carpet.

The evening was beautiful, almost enchanting with the glimmeringlights angled perfectly above the scarlet path before him. As he descended fromhis glossy onyx vehicle, he was greeted by an eruption of screams from thecrowd. He appeased their enthusiasm with a charming smile and an appreciativewave. His bright eyes scanned the venue, noticing the different groups, from theA-listers, to the bloodthirsty reporters, and his beloved fans. Taeyong offeredwarm smiles as he walked down the trail, bowing respectfully to his colleaguesand directors.

He embraced Jung Jaehyun, a longtime friend, and shook hands withhis senior and mentor, Kim Junmyeon. The trio sauntered towards the blindingcameras and posed for photographs for the press.

Although the three leading men could steal the floor right thenand there, there was one more face everyone was waiting for. Her entrance was signaledby the burst of cheers and calls from the audience as she exited her ownlimousine.

Jung Jiwoo had arrived looking breathtakingly beautiful, which wasno surprise. Ever since she was a child, she has been renowned solely for heracting skills. Through the years, she had blossomed into a magnificent younglady, taking on more mature roles and continuously gracing the silver screenwith her talent.

She moved along the carpet so gracefully, as if she was driftingin the clouds, her cream gown trailing effortlessly behind her. Her brown hairfell in soft swirls over her shoulder and the diamonds hanging on her earsilluminated her eyes. If her beauty wasn’t enough of a shocker, the way shefloated directly to Taeyong and lovingly snaked her arm through his hadcertainly caught everyone off-guard. They were, after all, a couple on screen,but far from romantically entangled outside of it.

Lips pressed together, eyes narrowed, and nostrils flared. Yourfinger firmly stabbed the off button to the television as you threw theremote onto the marble coffee table. A large huff of disappointment escapedyour lips, followed by a scream that pierced through the air. You stood uprather quickly, hitting your knee against the cool stone which made you yelp inpain. You were mad before, but now you were furious.The feelings of betrayal and regret filling your already bitter heart, yetthere was nothing you could do about it.

How could someone like you expect so much of someone like Taeyong,your boyfriend of nearly three years? He had promised you the world, yet hereyou sat alone in your dark living room, the muted glow of the city behind you.

You could still remember the day he passed you his number duringone of his music video shoots, the beginning of ceaseless conversations. Thelove affair continued for months after, leading to midnight rendezvous at eachother’s condos and secret getaways to foreign destinations.

Taeyong had promised a year into the relationship that he wouldreveal you to the world, yet he had never lived up to his words and kept youhidden away. In your eyes, you were locked in a dungeon.

Tears began to spill as you turned on the monitor again, thecamera now up close to both Taeyong and Jiwoo. Jiwoo held a look of lust as shestared at Taeyong, but Taeyong viewed her apathetically. However, the audiencewere blinded by rumors and their longing for drama, easily falling into theruse they had planned to spur on movie promotions.

What a bitch, you thought as youwitnessed Jiwoo place a hand gently upon Taeyong’s chest. He could have removedher hand, but of course he was being polite and continuing for the photos.

Oh, how I wish I could strangle her, was another thought that came to mind. You did not think thenight could get any worse, but you were proven wrong when Jiwoo continued herphysical contact with Taeyong yet to halt her actions. Fine Taeyong, if youwant to act like this, then go ahead. You clenched your jaw, eyes sharplike daggers as you turned the television off, before you stalked off towardsyour shared bedroom.

Taeyong entered the condo, surprised by how silent it was withonly the entrance lights illuminating the place. He cocked his head, curious towhy his girlfriend was nowhere in sight. She had said she would be staying hometo watch the awards and catch up on work, but Taeyong wondered if she haddecided to go out.

He padded softly towards the bedroom, careful not to make anynoises, just in case Y/N was sleeping. He carefully pressed the door handledown, a sigh of relief releasing as he saw her figure curled up in bed, thesmall bedside light still on, yet dimmed.

Taeyong made his way over, sitting at the side of the bed,planting a kiss upon your forehead. You stirred at the gesture, lazily openingyour eyes to see your boyfriend staring at you with tender eyes.

You spoke softly, “Did you just get home?” You reached for hishand, squeezing it tightly.

He nodded with a small smile, “Have you been asleep for long?”

“I went to bed a few hours ago.” You did not hide your expressionof annoyance.

Taeyong raised a brow, curious. “Did you catch the awards? Ididn’t receive any texts after I won.” He frowned, now wondering if you wereangry with him. “Did something happen?”

“Taeyong,” you began. You were in no mood to speak with caution.“What happened to your promise?”

Taeyong paused, his expression blank as he pondered over yourquestion. He had no recollection of his promises, other than promising to getyou a new speaker after he had broken yours.

You sat up, placing a hand on his arm, your face now expressingdisappointment. “Taeyong, I’m tired of beingyour secret.” Water welled in your eyes, tears so sudden from onestatement. “I’m tired of having to watch you by yourself on the red carpet orcozying up to actresses that are clueless to the fact I’m yours.”

“Y/N, is that why you’re mad? Jiwoo was just—”

You raised a hand to cut him off. “Taeyong, Jiwoo was not beingfriendly, if anything she was ready to fuck you right then and there.”

Taeyong opened his mouth, but you had no intention of letting himspeak.

“Taeyong, you had every chance to stop her and yet you didn’t. Youhad every chance to reveal me to the world and yet you haven’t.” Tears were nowcascading down your face. “I’ve been stuck behind the scenes for three years,Taeyong. What are you so afraid of? Approval, hate? What? What is it?”

He let out a sigh as you turned away, not bothering to acknowledgehim. “Y/N, I just want to protect you and you know that.”

You laughed in response, disbelief written upon your face. “That’sbullshit, Taeyong. Protect me from what? Your fans? Your company? Which is it?”

Taeyong’s voice was soft as he spoke, “I’m not sure anymore.”

“Do you even love me anymore or am I just someone on the side youuse for pleasure and comfort?”

He abruptly stood up, taking your hands in his. His face heldanger from your words, but you only looked back with the same sentiment. “I dolove you, Y/N. I love you so much!” his desperate pleas echoed throughout thecondo.

You threw his hands to the side, jumping up to push him away. “Don’t say you love me! Don’t say you love mewhen you can’t even tell the world!” You pushed him again, causing him tostumble back into the window.

He gripped your arms, steadying you. “I do care about you.”

You shook off his grip, immediately pounding a fist againstTaeyong’s chest. “If you care about me, you would have given zero fucks.” Youlooked him in the eye with a look of hate and sadness. “Taeyong, I’m sufferinghiding in the shadows.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N.”

“You’re not.” Your voice was stern, sure.

“Let me make it up to you. What do you want? A trip to Thailand? AValentino bag? I’ll give you whatever and I’ll promise to reveal ourrelationship.”

You let out an exasperated breath, “I don’t want your money oryour promises anymore.” You turned away, slowly climbing back into bed. “I wantyou to take your Rolex and your Armani and your fake promises and get the fuckout of the house.”

“But Y/N.”

You settled deeper under the covers, staring straight. “You mustbe ashamed of me. Is that what it is?”

Taeyong stood in front of you, face now showing signs of regret.“Y/N, why would I be ashamed of you?”

You brought your eyes to his, your lips pressed into thin line.“I’m not sure, Taeyong, but that’s something for you to think about.” You hitthe light switch, throwing the room into darkness. “Goodnight Taeyong. Sleepwell.”

He watched you drift to sleep, a feeling of remorse buildinginside of him. Taeyong dragged himself towards the bedroom door, looking backone last time at your peaceful figure with gloomy eyes, before he made his wayto the front door.

As he shut the door behind him he collapsed onto the cold tiles, asingle tear falling his eye, staining his once crisp ivory shirt. It was atthat moment he knew he had lost the one he loved most.

#nct #nct angst #nct drabble #nct taeyong #taeyong angst #taeyong drabble #nct fanfic #nct scenarios #taeyong scenarios #taeyong fanfic #lee taeyong #nct 127 #nct 127 angst #nct 127 drabble #nct 127 fanfic #writing #drabble game one

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deadcatelog · 7 years ago

Text

sometimes i’m reminded at how detached she makes herself from me

there were only two times when she seemed to be actually proud of me, when her eyes shone at me the same way my friends looked at me almost every day when they were happy with themselves or myself.

the first time was when she found out i had a boyfriend. and the second time was when she learned that i’d learned about weed.

i’d done so much more throughout my life that had been shut down or only given a par-for-the-course congrats before being told to drop it. i got good grades in almost all of my classes. i did well on my homework, i made nice projects for my teachers that were received really well. i had amazing friends. i had people who followed me, and looked up to me. believed in me. mentored me. invited me to learn how to become successful because maybe they saw something in me. i started clubs with friends, on my own. i become president of these clubs and of others. i volunteered for animals, kids who were in unfortunate situations who i felt could use the support from anyone. i helped my teachers, they helped me.

i scored high on a lot of my standardized tests. high enough to be on par with those who had more often entered the universities i thought would’ve been a pipe dream. high enough to be accepted into my dream school. but this...

this meant nothing to her. after so long i learned to stop trying to make her proud, but it was often difficult for me to forget about how she felt when so many of the people around me would so easily tell me that they were proud of me, happy for me, that i deserved this... when i went home the same day and was told that mentioning my accomplishments was arrogant, and that i was stuck up. part of me knew that i needed to realize that her reality was twisted, but when i ignored her and went back outside... people would ask me to tell them how my family celebrated, or why i sometimes seemed to devalue what i was given...lol.

i was so scared that if i accepted everyone’s praise the way i wanted to, that the people around me would grow bitter and jealous. that they would begin to hate me for my happiness because i just didn’t know when to stop encouraging this praise, as drunk as i was feeling on it i was terrified of letting this show.

when it was over i felt so parched, i missed it. i still do sometimes. i think it’s because i never got it out of my system? it’s over now. i want it back, but it’s over now and i need to accept this. it doesn't make me better than everyone else that i go to an ivy league school, but i feel so special for it and i want it to be recognize. i feel like i never got my fill and now i’m obsessed with it... it’s a mess, but i know that it would be best if i werent so occupied with this conflict in my head all the time. it’s been two years! it feels like just yesterday i was sitting in my final senior classes, but it’s been two whole years! college is half over and i still feel like a pre-freshman. and i don’t know how to get over it. i know i’m stuck in the past, i want the satisfaction i think i missed out on.... but equally as much if not deep down several times more so i wish i could just fucking move on and live my life.

it’s like a storm in here its hell. and no amount of drugs or alcohol is going to save me from that. i know, i’ve tried. i’ve tried so hard to reach that point where i don’t feel like i’m strangling myself for the sake of... decorum? and can just feel free. i’ve consumed until i’ve passed out, until my mind screamed and buzzed and it felt like i would be free after one more shot.... one more toke... but there’s no escape. it’s something deeper. i think, and i don’t think but even then i think i may know, that there is no ripping to be done. no casting away of my burdens at once. i think it may be a slow, dreadful process that i am going to need a lot of help with and treat very carefully. and i think, until then, i am trapped and alone... oh i’m noticing how alone i may have always been. i’ve hidden so much of myself that when i act on my true feelings around the people i’ve known for years they seem to have violent reactions and tell me how out of character i’m being... out of character, haha if only they knew. i’m sorry i’ve never let you know me... but i believed that i was protecting you, my friends. that it was for the best. i feel like a fraud calling you my friends, but part of me loved you so much that i hid myself so that you would always be fond of me. so i could manipulate some of our interactions so try and make sure that you would feel happy or at least sated with what the outcome of certain situations may have been. (when i could, maybe i’m giving myself too much credit lol)

i did this for so long that i think the me that’s in the real world and the me(s) that are in my head feel it is natural to ignore each other, so now i have a hard time holding thoughts. feelings. memories. images. in there. the true me in my head, the one that holds my heart, removes herself by default. so when she has something to say, it’s for the me in my head only, and the me that controls my actions and actually interacts with other people is neglected.

...

...sometimes, when we read beautiful literature we cry. some people are capable of displaying the beautiful unison that rises as the result of all of their selves working together. we want that. i want that. but we/i don’t know how to do that, what if it’s impossible? the me in my head thinks that it can be something i can learn from practice. the me that interacts with the world thinks that this practice can and should be done through mediums i have enjoyed in the past, like poetry and fanfiction writing. but the me with the hold on my heart... they don’t seem to want to waste the time and energy if it’s not worth it. because it’s not vaccum-shut, is it? it still might not work. and it’s a lot of work for something that might fail. i don’t want to do it and still have these issues.

i know that the fruits that may come of it are worth the labor that it might require, as well as the possibility of failure, but i’m so fucking tired man... all the damn time now and i don’t know why. i think it may be the one with the hold on my heart that has this energy locked away (it returns to me, it floods when i talk to someone in my past. my anxiety dissapears and i suddenly feel capeable of pursuing my dreams when they? allow? this energy to return to me?) but... ah, what. where as i going with this? ah, anyway. i wish we were in sync again. i’m best when i’m in sync. i can see myself from the perspective of others, and i have the energy to pursue my dreams. and i don’t feel my anxiety in the slightest [with the expection of what things will be like when this energy goes away] when we’re in sync...) ahh. but i can’t force it. not mentally. not extrenally, i don’t think. it has to come from me. the embers will always be there, but i need that roaring flame of passion with me always. that feeling... of feeling secure, and normal. capeable. i miss it. that’s my normal, and i want her back. i can pretend all i want, try to force it back with drugs and drink but i know that’ll never work and fuck im sick of it.

i hate the taste of alcohol. i hate the smell of weed. how i feel about it, the process of preparing it. smoking it, almost. i hate the shame i feel rolling a joint. i don’t need it. i don’t want it. i don’t even like being high. i feel miserable high.

i don’t like the fucking feeling of being drunk. i can control myself really well up to a point, and that point can go very far (the same thing i try to snap all the time, something i learned to do with my sober mind when i taught myself as a result of my mother’s own defensive deflecting bs that i was a natural thought-criminal and needed to constantly repent)

but after that point? when i can’t stand on my own two feet and there’s already enough alcohol in my system for me to black out? when its finally gone but i’m to nauseous and blind and dizzy to “enjoy” it? well, uh, that’s it. i’m passed out. the loss of control over my anal self only comes in my state of unconsciousness. in my dreams, i have choice again. when i’m awake all i know is the burden of my “sins” pressing down on me oppressively. i know... i don’t deserve this. that these are hang-ups and this isn’t normal to be hurting physically for just existing and having a stream of thought, but it’s fucing ever present and sometimes it’s more powerful than my ability to scilence it and so these critisiscms and accusations make it out of my mouth and... ahaha pisses people the fuck off to the point where they want to fight me. well, i think i might want to fight me too lads! i don’t like it, and i don’t always mean what i say or do but sometimes i just become aware that when i thought i was being quiet and poliet i was actually offending the hell out of everyone in the room and the isolation and being ignored and silenced is deserved. i hate it, but it’s mine. maybe if i can make this mouth and this face beautiful, the backlash will be softer i tell myself... but i think i know that that’s only superficial. just like the drugs and alcohol, i know beauty solves nothing inside.

0 notes

hellowhatsupfriend · 8 years ago

Text

france ship

ur character got drunk after being dumped in high school and decided to win over the love of their life by throwing rocks at their window at 3 in the morning .. only they completely missed the street n it was parkers .. she opens the window, they feel bad, apologize and leave .. next day they got seated together at math. they will do anything to pass the time.. (yea .. probably making origami and telling everyone in class to pass their rubbers so they can stack them on top of each other . ) ended up going to lunch detention more times than going to lunch but they didnt mind .. they got to see what the janitor’s storage looks like and wear those yellow cleaning gloves for the rest of the day n when someone asked them why ? they smile. no reply. they ended up going completely different ways .. while parker went to a community college for journalism .. they were probably doing much bigger things but they always kept in touch whether it was through phone calls or texts . now that they are on the show, they take every opportunity to mess w people the way they did back in the good ol days (they are old! just kidding. im barely alive)

they were NEIGHbours (haha) for a while when they were kids and they’d come over to each others houses for pancakes and spongebob. parker probably scared away their bullies by kicking a soccer ball right in the bullies face .. went hunting for the weirdest bugs they could find. sat under the table at a mutual family friends wedding the entire day talking about what dessert theyd want to be, if they were a dessert “id like to be a cream puff. a cream puff with apricots or even a plain one. lukewarm at the bakery .. in the window.” “a CREAM PUFF?! as in cake?” “Of course!!! what else? a cream puff is a cream puff!!!” “a cream puff... you are weird.” probably lost contact completely after parker relocated w her mom so for a while they probably had no idea it was them on the show until they heard each others names ..

they worked at an indoor go karting speedway together at one point .. probably got drunk at 18 after closing hours and talked about fitting in, n broken hearts .. maybe at one point even kissed but laughed it off .. “see NOW i know why u dont have a girlfriend” . probably pranked each other at any given opportunity ( still do)

friends w benefits thing !!! we can expand on this based on ur characters personality .. they were both stuck in the elevator before a movie casting and ended up talking non stop throughout the whole 4 hours they were there for .. they exchanged numbers but none of them actually reached out since they r both the type of people who wait for someone to talk to them first .. ended up both not getting the role so parker texted them about it and they bonded over mutual failure .. we can plot futher on what this new close proximity actually means for them ??? maybe they hate each other now??? idk things change ??? im so tired

the kind of friendship where they make each other laugh through trying to out do their own insults ... “oh nice shirt. where did you find it? at the bottom of a dumpster? smells like its been shit on. or maybe its just you” .. a big fat silence “did anyone hear something???? sounded like a big old mouth fart”

uhhhhh whateva else im tired

roman attic

(ok nevermind im tired this is just a bunch of aus i found ... we can interpret them in our own way! if ur interested .. sorry im tired x20 also these will be like in every possible narrative ever so sorry lol)

she helped them get through a rough patch without realising it. she volunteered for a free late evenings and overnights mental health help line in college and they called her every week for months then they asked her out for coffee .. there was a lot of chemistry but parker knew she couldnt invest in a relationship at the time because of her own struggles so she had to decline when they offered a proper date .. now they wanna know why

going through a really bad break up and answering the door for your pizza in a baggy t-shirt and your underwear because you have nothing left to lose and the pizza boy is genuinely very concerned about you being okay so he assures you he’s not a serial killer and invites you to get dressed and ride shotgun in his shitty silver car while he delivers pizza for the rest of the night and he listens to you talk and tells you how much off an idiot your asshole ex was

ever since 7th grade, muse a and muse b had been inseparable. the two knew each other like the back of their hands. they saw each other run through petty middle school crushes, family hardships, and more. they argued, they laughed, they did absolutely anything and everything together. however, they were always just friends. freshman year of high school muse a had confessed the crush they developed on muse b. that confession changed their entire relationship. the summer into their sophomore year, muse b stopped talking to muse a. their friendship ended within a blink of an eye. they didn’t talk for years. until senior year, muse a got into a relationship. muse a’s significant other took them to a party where muse a would be introduced to a “very important person,” the best friend. muse a was nervous, hoping and praying for the approval. when they arrived, muse a was shocked to see that the infamous best friend was muse b.

hello ???!?!??!?! love rosie plot?

here’s these two idiots who are roommates, and they bicker and act like a married couple constantly, and can hang out like best friends but they’re completely platonic, no we’re not in love that’s preposterous!! and it’s so evident that they’re into each other like whenever one goes out on a date, the other is all bitter like ‘no i’m definitely not jealous’. and they like leave bars together at some stupidly early hour and their friends tease them and they just go home and get drunk together instead. and like domestic washing the dishes and fighting over who does what and flinging soap at each other.

(forget the pronouns ... im just copying and pasting lol) i really want a plot where this totally sweet girl is dating this total ass and he prob cheats on her all the time and is so shitty to her but she stays because she’s sweet and caring and he’s all she’s ever known and they used to be so in love but anyways he’s totally one of those guys who brings around his douche friends and they sit on the couch and talk about chicks and drugs and partying and she is supposed 2 be the regular house wife gf who brings them food and sits next to him when they watch movies so he can flaunt her and just be /: a dick /: ANYWAYS his fellow douche friend starts to slowly be like god this guy is so awful to her and he starts following her out of the room instead of staying to high five his friend for cheating on her w some club girl and idk he just generally starts hanging out with her more while her bf and his other friends hang out in the basement or some shit and they’ll like sit on the porch while he smokes and they just talk or he’ll help her make food or ANYTHING and it can go so many cute ways tbh like ? he could be listening to the friend brag about sleeping around one day or see him being shitty to her like yelling at her for nothing ro smth and just be like DAMN I’VE HAD ENOUGH and finally break and yell at his friend and fight for her and accidently admit that he thinks she’s totally amazing and he’d cherish her sm or he could kiss her one night while they’re talking and they could start sneaking around behind the friends back or anything so !

m and f are both celebs. m is very cocky and a big ladies’ man who loves to sleep around and party and all that. f is a little pop star who keeps to herself and never creates drama and is well-liked by the public. m and f meet at an event one night. all m can think about afterward is f and how cool and different she is, while f never wants to see m again after living up to his reputation for being a bit of a jerk. SO m starts to do everything in his power to make f like him… and f starts to like him but in the most pure way possible ?? and they get along so well and genuinely have fun??

agent who has to protect a civilian by pretending to be married

just kiddin lol

they had that sickening real kind of love where theyd practically kill for each other.. except they never put labels on things and it turns out one of them found a more convenient love and was scared to tell the other until a big fight where everything was said and they parted ways .. they asked them to stay, said they will do anything to fix things but the only thing that could fix things was to turn the time back.. they ended unsolved because one of them just refused to answer their texts. its been a year and they still think about each other at night, even with other people in their arms. “you looked at me like i was your answer, i looked at you like you meant something”

otter

my friend can’t stop talking about how they want to set me up with their other friend so we start texting each other and disagree on everything .. somehow its amusing how we are both so invested in making each others lives harder ???? i think it makes both of our lives a little better

famlieh

bad break up thing

WEHEYYYYYYYYY

sorry im in pain

ill end this here

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