#Im definitly overthinking this

[hanki-is-at-it-again]

Me getting a call back from the place I applied to

Recruiter: Hey are you such and such?

Me: yess thats me hi

Recruiter: good, do you (a person applying to jobs) have time next week for an interview?

Me: yes ofcourse, that fits

Recruiter: *awkward silence*

[record-of-thought]

putting this into words, so like i have the black and white thinking thing going on. As said, probably a symptom of some form of neurodivergence.

Not to be cliche but do you guys know how coding problems work? I feel like that's now i make most of my life decisions. When your coding a program you have to give the computer very specific instructions for how to complete a task because a computer doesn't have the capacity for nuance, it can't half do something. So even if you have a nuanced problem you're trying to solve, you still have to break that problem down into a perhaps long branching series of smaller problems that have limited set of defined answers.

luckily i am a computer that does have some understanding of nuance so i know how to infer the steps between "get peanut butter" and "put peanut butter on bread" without having to be told to get a knife and then use that to actually put the peanut butter there.

but yeah, basically my general thought process for making decisions or solving problems consists of large imaginary flowcharts consisting of yes/no or if then statements.

The problem with this is that, unless i know about additional options, i will default to the two binary extremes of a situation for a solution when thinking of problems because to me this is the simplest way to think about problems.

In some cases this can be really helpful because i can prevent me from overthinking some situations and in some cases there really are only a few outcomes that really matter or that can reasonably co-exist with one another. Or just dealing with complex problems in general i guess

i think that this has also definitly been a tool for myself at points where i either don't know exactly what i'm feeling or dont have a strong preference for the outcome of a situation but im still responsible for making decisions

[theddude]

I've lost...

All I ever did was did my best for the people I love, and even for the people that are loved by the people I loved... but now i've lost everything, and i've got the feeling everybody is moving on... my loved one, the one i want to spend my life with has discarde me... her best friend, her lover, her buddy,...I did everything i could for her, always whenever i was wanted I did my best to be there....my first sign that you where withdrawing a bit was when you where panicking lately and called your husband instead of me... i took more time off to be together as much possible... we had good contact... even the last day before you quited on me the first time we had snaps expressing our love to each other... after a while you contacted me again luckily,... I found hope again... Hope you didnt wanted to loose me, you expressed that, you expressed that for you, you and I werent changed, so we did what we always did, I avoided the hard parts like we discussed, we really wanted to meet again, i took time off again but it didnt worked out for you, so another time...we had long phonecalls during your drive... to and from your sister... those were like we used to talk...

And then on that sunday when i gave the presents you choose to my niece,.. all of a sudden a breakup again..definitly... i started to puke, was instant sick,... stayed home for 3 days, didnt came out of bed... cried and cried...broken, and exhausted...

My best friend, my love of my life and my soulmate, broke up with me again... 2 times in 3 months... now almost 4 months had passed...and im not okay, i have the feeling you dont dare to take me back anymore,...

I am afraid my time with you has come to an end, I hope im wrong, and I see signs that you still love me,... and need more time... and i hope its not more time to gett over me,... my only fear came true.. and now im lost...i dont know what to do, im always depressed, don't want to eat, and dont want to live without you...

You have a grip on me, only you, its a grip of love that can lead to life and death...I dont know if i still mean that much to you as I did before(i can hardly imagine you dont) but you are everything to me. Maybe im pathetic maybe im a fool...

But i do remember everything, from the first hugg, from the first snap, the first movie night, the first intimate touch, the first pantyswap in the livingroom, the first shower show, the first time you where laying on bed ready for me(i asked so many times if you where okey with it, i almost made fool out of myself) the first love we made, the first panic attack the first fap on the couch the first the first head play, the first touching, the first kissing, the first crying, the first dinner we had, the first of many of all of those things, the conversations we had, which you couldnt do with your husband, the first conversations we had about your upbringing, the first memories you told about all the clinics you went to, the first memories about your long train trips to the north and back, all the crying you elaborate, all the hurting you elaborated about...

And i know you where afraid of scaring me away by telling me all that. And you absolutely did not, I wanted to hold you more and more closely every time, because i love you! You are my best friend, and yes we found love and took it further together. But first of all you are my best friend. I was always so happy that i had such relationship with you, best of both worlds.

I remember all the love we shared to each other, and no day would go by that we wouldnt talk with each other, from the goodmorning in the morning to the sweet dreams in the evening, every day, every day, and not a day i felt obliged , No I was always so fucking happy to do that. Because you are the love of my life, and I always understood i was yours in the meanwhile as well...

I dont put pressure on you, because i do still care about you, but I hope you consider our future in your overthinking and let not time pass us by into oblivion...nowadays the silent treatment is popular but it is killing... in the most elaborate meaning of the word.

I hope to be with you in the future again. We have so much love for each other it is unbreakable...

Love, Patrick

[darkmastermoon]

When he talks to another girl

Genre: Fluff

Person: Tae

I had just walked in from work when I saw my baby on the couch scrolling down his feed.

" Hey, Babe how was training?"

" Mihm" he groaned as he rotated to face me and smiled.

" It was okay,"

"Rm's clumsy self tripped and made me twist my ankle" He whined with a slight pout on his face

" Dang, babe i'm sorry"

" Want me to give you a massage." I said, setting my stuff down and cuffing his face. He smiled before pulling away.

" Nah its cool Mel gave me one"

"Mell ? "

"Yeah the new intern "

"That girl is pretty resourceful. And her hands babe-" he looked up at me with a bright smile.

" They're like magic. I don't even feel any pain"

"That's- good". I wasn't one to get Jealous especially not over a little help but for some reason hearing the girl's name come out of his mouth ticked me off.

" Yeha anyways how was your day at work ? " he smile up at me

" it was good surprisingly"

" How was it surprising ? " He said, grabbing my hand and guiding around the couch and into his lap.

I snuggled down into his chest befro speaking.

I breath out with a sigh or relief.

It was good I mean i scored this new brand deal. You know the one i told you about last week.

He chuckled his laugh bibratig his chest and up my back,

Yeah i men maybe

Did it have to do with the cand cane game?

What i said shifting to face him

Noo

" Oh well that must have been Mel's deal, Sorry baby"

I sighed before standing up.

Forget it Tae it isnt important.

He quickly grabbed my hand

Wait- babe if it important to you then its important to-

His phone went off with a alert and he quickly released my hand grabbing his phone.

I sighed

"Who is it?"

i said looking at the image of the girl.

" Oh it just - Mel "

" What "

"Hold on " he put his hands up and called the number

" I'll be back in a moment" mouth before walking out the room to talk to her.

I scoffed before grabbing my bags and heading to the bedroom and getting ready for bed. I would rather not argue with him or come off in a rude way. So I just swallowed my feelings.

~ time skip : 2 weeks later ~

After 2 week of constant interruptions and him missing out on a lunch date I finally bursted. HE had gone out drinking and didn't even tell me . The only reason I knew was because of his private snap story. I saw him and the girl from the phone ID mel. Drinking and throwing it back. So I decided I would confront him tonight.

I was sitting at the table waiting for him to stumble into the house. Except when he did he wasn't alone MEL was with him. She had brought him in and laid him on the couch . she knew the layout of our house as if she'd been here before. It wast until she came into the kitchen and turned on the light that she saw me. She instantly dropped the cup of water she had gotten for him . Her eyes were wide before smiling awkwardly at me

" HI im MEl" she said

. I sighed before grabbing the broom and dust pan and handing it to her.

" Clean it up, him as well" . I pointed at his wide eyed smiling face . I was furious . I wanted to break things I wanted to leave but I didn't. Instead I showed and cried it out before heading to bed.

The sound of a groan echoed out the hall it was his tear began to fill up again.

I mean i had to be overreacting RIGHT?

He wouldn't cheat on me .. right?

When i woke up in the morning i had expect to see him sleep on the couch by himself instead the Bit- no the girl was cuddled up under the cover with him on the couch. I scoffed before grabbing so cold water and pouring it on them.

Mel was furious and Tae was shocked.

I smiled

" morning " tae looked at me an then at me and then at how close they were to eachother.

Babe i promise it isnt what it looks like i mean I-

I cut him off with a smile

"

Yeah i know you wouldn't screw a intern on the couch that your parents bought for us"

" Definitely not in the house we bought together" i Smiled.

You definitly wouldnt be cuddling some random girl . i smiled

The girl tried to speak

No you need to get out of my house so that I can talk to my boyfriend.

She spoke stuttering

" i-ii " before grabbing her stuff and leaving.

So what is it about he rthat keeps her in your mouth tae.

Is she a new fascination or..?

He just stared at me as tears began welling up in my eyes.

" I-m sorry bab- "

he stood up trying to hug me

" No don't touch me " i said backing away from him.

"Lets Break up"

"Huh "he said

" Ive been thinking about it and maybe ive been overthinking but if i have to think so much about it i think it soemthing that should be done"

No Y/N I love you

No you love the thought of me

The idea of have a foreign boo to show off to yout friends the idea of having someone who will cater to you

That isnt me not anymore.

He took a step closer, tears in his eyes.

Baby he putted grabbing my hand.

I love you please dont leave me like this i mean your breaking my hea-

You have no right to finish that sentence i scoffed

mE ME Im breaking YOUR HEart do you not see me over here working my butt of for us . so you not see my forgiving incednt after incedent.

I dont wanna be a jelous pearson jealousy only brings hate it your heart and I let it in ....For you.

No listen y/n there is a reason I've been so close to Mel

NO i dont wanna i mean its hurts it hurts so much that i can barely breath i spoke tears spilling out my eyes.

You were all i wanted tae

Everything so i put up with it.

First is was kaely then Juno and now Mel i smiled at him. IM done i shook my head before turning around to start packing my stuff.

" I wanna marry you y/n " he yelled

" Keayl and JUNo were drunken mistakes you know this i was plastered and i coud-"

"You could though but you didn't"

Mel was helping me to set up a nice sceen of your proposal i wanted -

I gulped before turning around.

" I wanted to make it specailal. And fly your family down"

Tears fell out his eyes ans he dug in his pocket for the ring. My eyes grew wide as he open the box and stared at me .

" I love you ive never wanted anything more then you"

"I wanna start a family, i wanna "

he gullped

"i wanna be your everything the way your mine"

He said tears falling down his face. I couldn't help the smile on my face. So i turned away and he hugged me from the back.

I breathe in his sent before grabbing his arm and speaking.

[draftstovm]

A tumblr adventure

(Fiction guys. Don't trip )

She was a very cute little staight a student from india. Just turned 18. Virgin. She havent even kissed a boy or seen a real penis before. All she ever did her whole life was try to make her mother and father proud.

‌When she was 15 she became the head girl of her School and an active feminist. Everyone looked up to her as a symbol of how the perfect girl should think act and behave. Altho she was small, pretty and cute (note.add details) She became a bossy and dominating girl. None of the boys dared to try anything whit her. (i added this part in just now. This turnes me on! We need more details here. Lets talk about this. I love this)

One day she stumbled upon a blog on a site called Tumblr. It definitly wasn't something good sweet cute girls should be looking at. It wasn't just of an erotic nature. It was flat out PORN. (Really filthy porn a well)

She knew she should leave it alone and never look at the site again... BUT something in her just couldn't. Before she knew what had happened she found herself touching her innocent virgin pussy over and over again. Imagining herself in all the humiliating and degrading scenarios...

Soon she became adddicted. Especially denial of orgasme caught her interrest. She was use to being the one with all the responsabillty and overthinking everything in her life. Being a submissive slut who begged a stranger for her orgasms was sooo humiliating but it gave her the sweet relief of controll she needed from her stressful life of responsibilities and ideals to live up to.

The worst part was that the sexist stories and degrading post was going against everything she ever stood for as a person

"SlutsMasturbateToThis" was her favorite blog. She needed this. More than she could ever admit. She needed to surrender. To give up controll. (and so she would ... )

Normally she wasn't a shy girl at all, far from it. But contacting the creator of this blog really made her nervous. She had never ever done anything like this before. She knew that her writing a message to his DM automatically ment that she was admitting to looking at that degrading humiliating sexist porn her pussy was so drawn to.

After 4 hours she couldn't resist anymore. Embarrassed, red in her otherwise so proud face and soaking wet in her little virgin-pussy she finally worked up the courage to slide into his DM.

Her heart was pounding. For the first time in a while she became very nervous. He finally answered.

Acutally he was not that scary to talk to as she had imagined. They quickly became good friends. He told her about the county he was from.

"Denmark". It soundet like a really happy place. It sure sounded better than india. He was very interresting and his blog always made her horny and needy for more. She became addicted to it and their conversations.

(Hmm ok so here the story changes a little based on our last convo. I will now try to write out some baseline ideas for the "kidnapping" but its just a draft. I need your imput V 😘)

They startet sexting a lott. Sometimes they played roles where he would travel down to india to kidnap her and bring her home to Denmark as his own sex slave. Keep her pussy in denial and use her other 2 holes however he wanted.

She got so much into the idea that she became more and more careless. She even send him pictures of her School describing where would be the best place for him to abduct her. Making her pussy edge to his blog and the hot fantasies made her sooo needy and desperate. It was like she was a completely different person on Tumblr. Someone her fellow students couldn't even recognize. Most of her feminst friends would be so utterly surprised and repulsed by this side of her. And if they knew she would feel embarrassed and ashamed beyond her wildest dreams

(Hmm i don't know about this part. Tell me if you think it's hot)

One seemingly normal day at her feminst meeting, she checked her phone, only to discover she had received a picture of herself. The picture was taken in her school. She recognized her outfit immediaely. It was from today !! It was from her Daddy?? She became hot red in the face in an instant. Even her pussy betrayed her as it was slowly and uncontrollably getting moist.

(Little clithanger (im so fpunny sometimes 😋)

Could he really be here??

The second she stepped out of the room someone grapped her by neck and pulled her into the room to the side

Shhh.... A finger on her mouth.

She didn't dare to question him.

So V are you ready to play out our fantasy in real life. She was in chok. He grapped her hair and sat down on a chair. Pulling her over his knees. Her panties came down. One hard slap directly on her clit made her cry out into his hand that now covered her mouth.

Uhh its soo pretty and already wet for me V. Your cunt knows what you like .. she tried to protest but he just smacked it again and groped her tits very violently

"Now kiss my crouch you virgin slut cunt and submit to me !!"

" noo please don't make me do this for real. We were just playing "

" your little desperate cunt says you really want this."

" im sorry this is just too much. I thought you were al long way away and all of a sudden your here.."

" v you only get this one change ore im leaving"

"uhmn but.. i have to be home soon"

" kiss it and i will go"

"geez ok ... Daddy"

She gets in between his legs and kiss it. Something about this really gets her embarrassing wet. The submissive part of her takes control.

He leaves.

At night he gets a text

"uhm daddy.. can i come with you."

"are you gonna be a good slut and masturbate to me and beg me

"PLEASE ... Already am"

[ecotone99]

[RF] Tonight- A short realistic fiction

First before I post the story. I'm not a perfectionist at writing so if there are mistakes I apologize in advance. Also TRIGGER WARNING! There's some deep stuff like self harm and depression in here. Some of the details in here are based off true events and I wanted to post it here to get some things off my chest. Thank you for reading

​

“Dev, I think I'm going to leave today and visit you” I say as Dev looks up at me. Dev is like my personal therapist only… dead. Well not totally. I guess he’s a phantom but nice. He appeared one night when I was 13. I started getting depressed without even realizing at the time because they don’t teach us that at our school. I was getting weird thoughts and feelings and poof. Dev appeared and has been here ever since.

“Are you actually serious this time Olly. Not that I want you to see me especially at 15 but how many times have you said this”. I don’t answer because we both know it. I look away because this time is different. This time I am done. I'm tired and drained and numb and don’t want to keep going through the motions. “I know, but I think I'm actually ready” I say. “Olly don’t. I know I look cool for being dead but think about your friends and fam-“ “ I DON’T HAVE A FAMILY!” I shout. “THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ARENT! I DON’T HAVE A DAD AND DEFINITLY DON’T HAVE A MOM AND I AM ALWAYS SOME HOW BEING SEPARATED FROM MY SIBLINGS! IM DONE!” I sit on my bed fuming.

The amount of times I heard the same phrase makes me so infuriated. I only have 3 friends and sure, I care about them deeply, but they can’t really do anything to stop my unfortunate situation.

My family is not my family. Everyone on my mom’s side hates me and thinks I always mistreat her when really it should be the other way around. My moms abusive to me verbally but since its verbal its not real. I have been dealing with it since I was 12 and I'm about to turn 16 in a few months. I got lucky recently to escape the hell house and live with my dad for the past few months. But I had to leave my brother behind, and my mom won’t let him see me and my dad. You would have thought I would be less depressed since I'm with him, but no. Turns out he’s just another version of my mom and was given the title dad but doesn’t really act like one. He doesn’t really do stuff with me or really talk to me. Not even eat a meal with me like dinner. Since I have so much one-on-one time with him, I got to realize he wasn’t that great of a dad as I used to think. Shit he’s not even doing anything to help my brother get out just like he did to me. And now it seems like my dad’s side of the family is dying off. I lost my grandpa, my grandma, and my uncle all in 4 weeks. So to cope with all this I talk to Dev, Cut myself, or think of ways to die while everyone else doesn’t think I have that bad of depression because it doesn’t always look like someone being sad.

“Sorry dev” I say, “I'm just tired of hearing that phrase too and at this point I’ve given up on things to look forward too because the bad always seems to outweigh it”. Dev doesn’t say anything but nods his head in acceptance and walks to the window. “If you really want to do it Olly” He starts, “It’s not like I can’t stop you. I didn’t mean to upset you by saying what I said but I know from experience. I was sent down to help you not do the same mistake I did. I could see how everyone reacted. My mom, my dad, my brothers, my friends, even my dog. I could hear their thoughts and see the impact on them, but I wasn’t able to go back. So, God let me try to help you but as you know, he knows your every move. He must’ve thought it would make me feel better knowing I tried, and it did. I made a new friend. But just think about it. Is it really worth it right now?”

“Yes” I say, “Yes, it is. I don’t need to think about it because that’s all I do. I'm an overthinker. And I don’t want to wait until I'm 18 to finally be free and be considered a survivor because I'm barley surviving. I know how I'm going to end it. I'm either going to hang myself and if that doesn’t work, I’ll cut myself until I bleed out when no one home or when everyone’s sleep. I'm too tired to keep trying. I'm sorry but my life’s come to an end.” Dev turns and faces me. “I understand” he says. “If you must leave, I understand. But I won’t be here to witness it. But I will be there to meet you.” He opens his arms for a hug and I go in and forget I can’t touch him. “Whoops. Sorry. Forgot. At least I can hug you in heaven.” Dev waves. “Goody bye Olly.”

And he disappears into thin air while I get ready to meet my maker.

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[thebrushedbalcony]

Sunday Night 8/5

   I suppose I wasn't in the right headspace earlier in the day. I had gone to bed late the night before, I had had one or two small screw-ups that I could write off as not my fault. I had a full 9 hours of sleep before Saturday - and that was after a few short nights. My birthday had been the Thursday before, and I was generally in a good mood during/after. Steven smoked me out at 10, I went to Old Chicago after, and then Tessa and Hoppe came and hung out for just an hour. I suppose at this point, I had been smoking about 6 nights a week for 2 weeks (started right after I lifted my self-imposed ban on not smoking after I closed). 

I guess if im going that far back I might as well take an even broader picture of whats been happening in my life recently. Its been 8 months since I moved out into this house. Eight months since I began easily removing any mental boundaries I had set in stone for myself. Drugs, Sex, language (still gonna hold onto that last one for awhile). Something I haven't nearly done enough soul-searching about is God! I'm worried I have so easily dropped an entire life that had been pointing me towards a life of bible-reading, church-attending, and being the perfect role model. Like Amanda moving in! A year ago I would have been proud to flaunt that I didn't smoke or drink or have even the slightest thought about dirty sex outside of a sanctioned marriage. Now look at me, I'm everything past Ethan liked to believe he was better than everyone else about. I guess thats a long-winded way of saying I'm a big ol' hypocrite! These are the big things I have held onto my whole life - my way of always thinking in the back of my head that I'm "better" than everyone else just a bit. And now its all gone awaaay.

I don't mourn the loss of my "innocence" or whatever tho. These were all my decisions, I thought these all out. Sure half of it was probably my hamster going into overload, but just maybe it wasn't! Some of these christian laws and rules that everyone has to follow don't seem very rooted in solid logic. But wow, maybe thats my hamster again. Spinning in overdrive to make up logical reasons for my stupid decisions. Either way, I've got no regrets! This last night is really pushing that though. Sex was fun, and I'm going to continue to have fun with it during my life. Marijuana is fun! I presume I'll still be getting high for years to come. Maybe. Last night was actual, existential pain like I've never felt before. I was able to fully slide into the victim mentality - first time in my life. But I'll get to that later. I'm not sure who these last two paragraphs are for, but I think that is a pretty good look into my head going into last night. Oh yeah - that’s what the point of all that was! Alright. Back to the story. 

5 grams of weed. That’s how much I helped Josh distill. 30 bucks, if I went to a cheaper dealer. Josh was on TOP of the math, apparently the cup he just poured was one-hundred-freaking-milligrams. Josh and I didn't take that number seriously. Maybe Josh did more, in the back of his mind, but we both knew steven took like, 80mg of the stuff and didn't feel anything! And the "30mg" cookie I took a week or two ago wasn't really that bad anyway. No way this is 100mg. "These edibles ain't shit!" as I drank actually 100mg and sealed my incredibly unforunate fate. Drank it at 8:30, and I could actually feel it really fast. Like within minutes, just a small sense that something was off. In a good way of course, like cool! Getting high already.

First hour was fun. I was already kinda in a daze, having only got 6 hours of sleep the night before. Having fun, music was great and I even pulled out my phone and recorded whatever strange conversation we were having at the time. The other three were pretty hyped about a firepit, I still think its very funny Josh had lived there so many years and had no idea if there was one around still. I was inside, stuck to a chair when I recorded a bit of what was going on in my head. This must have been about 10:15:

"the house is all screwey. Its like every thing I see is instantly as distant as a sharp memory, srrange focal points and strangw perspectives. Im dreaming? Weird nostslgia molding together, in a not normal way. like an old distant life. im lazq ‰) %/"#÷ame. wow, hah This is lucid, but stuck. Its self aware lucid and is all."

It had been a bit over an hour and a half and I was practically in a dream state. Whats strange is all my other experiences with edibles is I don't notice myself getting much higher after 1.5/2 hours. I guess there was just so much weed it kept on being absorbed. Anyway, Amanda came and grabbed me as Josh and Drew were trying to get the fire started. I was having a grand old time, stumbling around and in complete awe as to how I couldn't file anything I was seeing into a clear and defined memory. It still plays out like an extremely vivid dream in my head. None of the wacky dream stuff was happening, like people I didn't know or new settings, but everything had that strange sheen and warped perspective of not really being there. 

I believe it was 10:30/45 when I had to stumble away from the campfire because I had a sudden and very specific feeling that I was going to throw up. I got to my car and realized there was actually a whole lot that was going wrong. I held onto the driver's side of my car for dear life as my reality slowly splintered into anguish. I would have said pain right there, but that wouldn't be right. It wasn't really a sharp bad physical pain, I get a nice dose of that whenever a migraine hits. No this was like, being unplugged from the matrix but the only other option was death. To continue the analogy, I would try and plug myself back in but realized in horror the only thing that defined my existence was a few vague memories from my past when nothing really special happened. That’s all I was, a big ol poser in life with only a false personality given to me by my parents and my church with a few unrelated memories that I pretended tied it all together. It was like my personality and my own being was being broken down to it's pure biology - the entire person I had spent my whole life building up just being ripped away. The worst part is I was locked out of anything that had happened in my brain for the past 10 years. All the dreary foggy terrible memories were from random times when I was growing up, and none of them even had bad emotions attached to them! The horror was them being displayed to me as the only thing that made me a person. It was lifeless, cruel, something was telling me that I've never had any real life, and it was going to rip away every single lie I have told myself since I was born. And all that would be left is a broken and defeated nothing of a living being.

Now, I don't presume to get all spiritual here. That "something" was me, I mean right? I took too much drug, and it went to TOWN and the only thing they had to work with was this brain up here. I'm.... not sure where it came up with all that though. A current working thesis is that... it uncovered something? If marijuana truly only had my brain to work with, it pulled that ugly monster out of SOME deep dark corner. Now I'm sure it completely amplified and morphed this small insecurity into the terrible monster that it became, but nevertheless it was a monster of my own creation. And thats what makes it so terrifying, I was in agony and defeated by MYSELF. Well, plus a buttload of drugs. Hmm, maybe that was it. But Josh and Drew had the same amount! It could be explained away by different tolerances or different mental makeup. Either way, I crossed my boundaries like, WAY far.

Maybe I am overthinking this. I have slowly learned to deal with migraines for the past 10 years - and thats been a huge struggle to fight my body with my mind! Once it hits I can't do anything to stop it. But I've learned to accept it, I ride it out and deal with it - acknowledge that it'll get better eventually. I suppose that is the line of thinking from last night that kept me sane. I knew weed couldn't kill or maim you. You better believe I held onto that thought - that idea like it was my lifeline. 

Anyway I told Amanda where the spare was, I got in my car and laid down eventually. I was glad Josh was there in the car with me for some of the time, as I mentioned earlier I knew I had no qualms putting myself in the "very bad victim" category. Normally I would feel bad Josh had to sit in the car with me for 30+ minutes, but I didn't! I was in so much bad having his slight uncomfort was almost expected. That sounds super selfish and I'm very grateful but thats how it was hah. He grabs me some water, dips inside towards the end so he didn't have to stay out there forever. Eventually I get inside, and onto the couch (around 12:10) and I somehow zoned out until 3. I remember some small conversation, someone passed me some sherbert and I think Amanda made pizza later. I knew I didn't want to sleep on the couch so I went downstairs and stole the bed in the middle of the room. Got about 6 hours, and still felt high when I woke up. And theeen I lazed around all day, took a nap and left and came here at 8. 

So in conclusion. I think I might have got a bit too fanatic about the whole "hidden mental closet" thing, but maybe not. I definitely had a LOT of weed, and it definitly hit me wrong. The next few days will tell if there is anything different in how I...live? mentally? I think even now 48 hours the shock is wearing off. Even typing this it seems like a really vivid dream. I might not have even typed this if Josh hadn't mentioned that I maybe should, that these experiences can fade away. I guess i'm not surprised, my sober mind is probably busy chucking that memory into a trash bag and dragging it down to the landfill!

I guess, with my first few paragraphs being hindsight, I do have a lot of scary thoughts that I don't think about. Who am I really, what are my real boundaries, if I can throw out these big boundaries so easily, who's to say I chuck the baby out with the bathwater and give up on my personality as I've started with! Haha naa, I like what I am. There I said it, I am haappy with who I am. Maybe a bit more sex would help with the self esteem, and a bit more money would be quite welcome as well - but I'm doing alright. I've got my own house, a freaking perfect mini-studio in here, a tired but nice job, and a really awesome friend in Josh. In his parent's freaking fairy-tale house. 2/10 would bad trip again fo sho