#If you can cry real tears || Anais || Asks

[daimonclub]

100 wonderful quotes

100 wonderful quotes 100 wonderful quotes and aphorisms by famous and great authors and writers to help improving your ideas and thoughts, to inspire and motivate your behavior. Why is every silence sacred? Because the word, except in exceptional moments, is a profanation. Emil Cioran Everyone gets the experience. Some get the lesson. T. S. Eliot Awareness of ignorance is the beginning of wisdom. Socrates We are all like the bright moon, we still have our darker side. Khalil Gibran I have a theory that the moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself. Henry Miller The high-minded man must care more for the truth than for what people think. Aristotle If you cannot do great things , do small things in a great way. Napoleon Hill Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. Isaac Newton Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder. Rumi Where love rules, there is no will to power; and where power predominates, there love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other. Carl G. Jung The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones. Confucius Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. Anais Nin Truth can never be reached by just listening to the voice of an authority. Francis Bacon The whole future lies in uncertainty: live immediately. Seneca Nothing is more deceitful than the appearance of humility. Jane Austen The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury. Marcus Aurelius Nothing is miserable unless you think it so; and on the other hand, nothing brings happiness unless you are content with it. Boethius Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it. Mark Twain It's frightful that people who are so ignorant should have so much influence. George Orwell I can't believe what you say, because I see what you do. James Baldwin Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart. Haruki Murakami If you don’t know, ask. You will be a fool for the moment, but a wise man for the rest of your life. Seneca Wisdom is not a product of schooling but of the lifelong attempt to acquire it. Albert Einstein Bees don’t waste their time explaining to flies that honey is better than shit! Anonymous Who questions much shall learn much and retain much. Francis Bacon You forget what you want to remember, and you remember what you want to forget. Cormac McCarthy This place is a dream. Only a sleeper considers it real. Then death comes like dawn, and you wake up laughing at what you thought was your grief. Rumi It is no advantage to be near the light if the eyes are closed. Saint Augustine If my eyes could show my soul, everyone would cry when they saw me smile. Kurt cobain There is no person so severely punished, as those who subject themselves to the whip of their own remorse. Seneca Use your pain, don't let your pain use you. Motivational quote Life begins on the other side of despair. Jean-Paul Sartre Our memory is a more perfect world than the universe: it gives back life to those who no longer exist. Guy de Maupassant Nothing makes a man so adventurous as an empty pocket. Victor Hugo The worst part about being lied to is knowing you werent worth the truth. Jean-Paul Sartre Love begins with song and music and ends in a sea of tears. Italian Proverb Judge each day not by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant. William Arthur Ward It is the duty of every man, as far as his ability extends, to detect and expose delusion and error. Thomas Paine Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness. Bertrand Russell The secret of happiness, you see, is not found in seeking more, but in developing the capacity to enjoy less. Socrates There will always be suffering. But we must not suffer over the suffering. Alan Watts A high degree of intellect tends to make a man unsocial. Arthur Schopenhauer In a word, I was too cowardly to do what I knew to be right, as I had been too cowardly to avoid doing what I knew to be wrong. Charles Dickens All human beings have three lives: public, private, and secret. Gabriel García Márquez Learn what is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest. Hermann Hesse The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress. Joseph Joubert Don't ever judge anyone on how they handle a pain you've never felt. Anonymous It's far better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone, so far. Marilyn Monroe Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt. William Shakespeare Concern should drive us into action and not into a depression. No man is free who cannot control himself. Pythagoras It’s time you realized that you have something in you more powerful and miraculous than the things that affect you and make you dance like a puppet. Marcus Aurelius Good decisions come from experience, but experience comes from making bad decisions. Mark Twain Sometimes a question can hurt more than an answer. Sarah Dessen Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. Albert Einstein The man who makes everything that leads to happiness depends upon himself, and not upon other men, has adopted the very best plan for living happily. Plato I have learned to seek my happiness by limiting my desires, rather than in attempting to satisfy them. John Stuart Mill I would rather excel in the knowledge of what is excellent, than in the extent my power and possessions. Plutarch Artificial intelligence will be Man's most important conquest. Too bad it could be the last. Stephen Hawking Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. Benjamin Franklin, If you don't have ideas, read. If you have ideas, but can't articulate them, write. If you have ideas, and have the clarity to execute, build. Dan Koe Knowledge is no guarantee of good behavior, but ignorance is a virtual guarantee of bad behavior. Martha C. Nussbaum. The word - instrument of the elevation and fall of man. Man should have the freedom to open his mouth only from time to time. And the primary function of society should be the extermination of chatterboxes. Emil Cioran Some people will never like you because your spirit irritates their demons. Denzel Washington When everything is easy one quickly gets stupid. Maxim Gorky Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Stephen King The price of apathy towards public affairs is to be ruled by evil men. Plato It is dangerous to be right in matters where established men are wrong. Voltaire There are more copies than original among people. Pablo Picasso Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win. Stephen King When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It's only painful & difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid. Philippe Geluck Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood. Oscar Wilde The greatest blessings of mankind are within us and within our reach. A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not. Seneca I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying. Charlie Chaplin The man who fears death will never do anything worthy of a man who is alive. Seneca Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world...would do this, it would change the earth. William Faulkner Education, the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty. Mark Twain Never throw mud: you can miss the target, but your hands will remain dirty. Dorothy Parker No one is more hated than he who spoke the truth. Plato The more man meditates upon good thoughts, the better will be his world and the world at large. Confucius To see a World in a Grain of Sand And a Heaven in a Wild Flower Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand And Eternity in an hour. William Blake I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library. Jorge Luis Borges Privilege is invisible to those that have it. Anonymous An optimist may see a light where there is none, but why must the pessimist always run to blow it out? Rene Descartes When all else fails, give up and go to the library. Stephen King The noblest pleasure is the joy of understanding. Leonardo da Vinci Tolerance and apathy are the last virtues of a dying society. Aristotle Children must be taught how to think, not what to think. Margaret Mead It is unrealistc to expect people to see you as you see yourself. Epictetus Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary. Oscar Wilde It is not enough to have a good mind; the main thing is to use it well. Rene Descartes Great man is hard on himself; Small man is hard on others. Confucius True friends stab you in the front. Oscar Wilde It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. Epictetus Much learning does not teach understanding. Heraclitus Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence. Leonardo da Vinci An investment in knowledge pay the best interest. Benjamin Franklin The highest activity a human being can attain is learning for understanding because to understand is to be free. Baruch Spinoza The left wing and the right wing belong to the same bird. Native American saying While you can't control someone's negative behavior, you can control how long you participate in it. Anonymous We’re all islands shouting lies to each other across seas of misunderstanding. Rudyard Kipling Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do. Leonardo da Vinci Death of a thousand capable people does not cause as much harm as it does if one fool becomes the master. Rumi Don’t miss these similar articles: Wise quotes from the Ancients 100 best quotes and aphorisms 100 admirable quotes and aphorisms 100 magnificent quotes and aphorisms 100 brilliant quotes and aphorisms 100 golden quotes and aphorisms 100 famous quotes and aphorisms 100 memorable quotes and aphorisms 100 top great quotes and aphorisms 100 excellent quotes and aphorisms 100 great quotes and aphorisms on Love Great and famous philosophy quotes Quotes by authors Quotes by arguments Thoughts and reflections Read the full article

[whump-town]

Aversions

Hotch is less than dealing with the events of Foyet’s attack.

Warnings: alcohol abuse, child abuse, drug abuse, graphic depictions of violence & stabbing, self-destructive behavior, crying, self harm, mentions of suicide, suicidal ideations, violence with guns, and maybe some out of character Hotch and Emily.

Not sure how I feel about this fic... but I guess, we’re going in with both feet so 

“You cannot save people, you can only love them.” --Anais Nin

Aaron Hotchner has never been good with words. Not the right ones, anyway.

But actions can speak louder than words.

He’ll spin Garcia around the dance floor when they go out for drinks. Hands placed just where they should be and he’ll laugh softly when she makes a thinly-veiled dirty joke. And she’ll remember those nights for her whole life. The way he smiled at her as the lights shimmered overhead. The way he blushed when she refused to dance with anyone else, stating she needed a real gentleman.

There are nights at Dave’s. Weekends that he gets to keep Jack, uninterrupted by cases, and they go to visit Pop’s; Jack’s third favorite person (mommy and daddy of course being one and two). It’s the sound of Jack’s happy feet running up and down the hall, Hotch’s thundering voice as he he-ho-hums and chases him along. Dave watching the youth bleed into that scrawny, spunky recruit from some twenty years ago. And Jack always runs into Dave’s arms and in one fell-sweep proclaims him the only safety he can get from his daddy. His giggling face turned into Dave’s shoulder as he shouts, “get him Pops, get him!”

Those memories were just weeks ago.

It’s been two weeks since Dave’s house was filled with Jack and Hotch, smiling and happy and… fuck just healthy.

Aaron Hotchner wakes up dizzy and sore. The pain ebbing into the numb, dull ache of whatever’s being steadily fed into the line disappearing into the pale flesh of his hand. For a moment, he just watches the ceiling spin. An all too familiar sinking feeling in the pit of his gut. Anxiety spreading its claws out to take root but he… he can’t seem to remember why.

Realization floods his chilled limbs with a shudder, the memories hitting his sternum. He leans his head back into the pillows, limp and stiff and cold and so fucking hot-- The stiff tug of the stitches in his abdomen force him to come to an altogether too swift descent. There’s a hissing sound that comes before his right-hand aches, something cold and heavy spreading up his arm and into his chest.

“Good to see you awake,” a nurse greets.

He’s too far gone to say anything.

By the time Emily finds him, he’s had one minor run-in with the staff. A doctor stops Emily in the hall, her tone laced with annoyance and apprehension that bleeds into her threat to restrain Hotch if that becomes necessary. Emily leaves with a nod and promises to keep an eye on him but she leaves with this tight bundle of uncertainty forming in her chest.

He wakes as she settles down in the visitor’s chair.

The stitches along his hip are tight, leaving him immobile despite his foggy brain wanting nothing more than to curl onto his side and sleep just a little longer. But the scent of the antiseptics burn his nose and he can still feel Foyet--

The tip of the knife slowly dragging down his chest. There’s no threat of a scratch or blemish out of place. Aaron’s breathing having long ago turned ragged and shallow. “Have you ever read the reports,” Foyet asks, keeping his slow purposeful movement going. “Tell me, Aaron, have you read what David Rossi and Jason Gideon had to say about you? Young Aaron…”

Foyet smirks as he stops, shifting as he presses weight into the stab. It’s slow and agonizing but, Hotch realizes with a shudder, he’s too cold and weak to even really feel it. His body slowly falling away.

“Not so young anymore,” Foyet comments. He takes a moment to watch the knife’s slow pull from Hotch’s body, smiling when Hotch’s chest catches and he falls silent and breathless. Not even the sound of his ragged wheezes filling the air. “I can see how they’re right, you know?” Foyet lays the knife down on the side, pulling himself up and away from Hotch. “I wonder what’s going to get you killed faster, your loyalty, or your stubbornness?”

His eyes peel open slowly. Uncoordinated and sluggish he raises his left hand to scratch at the dried blood on the side of his face. His fingers manage to clumsy hook the canal running his nose and he pulls it crooked on his face.

Her voice quiet, afraid any sudden movement from her or too sudden a loud sound, might startle him, she calls his name. “Hotch,” she rises from the chair. She hates how her voice wavers. The shift that takes place between them. Any semblance of friendship they might have must be cast aside because… he’s a material witness and a victim. One that she can set off. One she might break.

Stepping into his field of vision, she can see his shoulders relax. Just having someone else close. Someone he knows. “You…” she’s stuck between Emily and Prentiss. Between her role as his friend and his coworker and even her role as an agent. But he’s always commended her undercover work. She’s got a spark for thinking on her feet. “I’m going to fix the oxygen canal, okay? It’s going to agitate your skin otherwise.”

Through slow, coordinated, and purposeful movements she keeps her hands where his darting bloodshot eyes can see. She hesitates when he sucks in a panicked breath but something in the back of her mind says pausing is only going to make it worse so she pulls the canal into place. Her fingers just hardly graze his cheek but she can still his body flinch at the contact.

And all she can think is fuck.

“That’s better, huh?” Her eyes dart to the heart monitor, uncertain if she’s convinced herself that it’s beating erratically fast or if it’s just a fragment of her mind. More than anything else, she makes herself aware of her body. The way that she moves so as not to startle him or, as she’s quickly putting together, touch him.

She steps back to the side, fully aware of the way that his eyes don’t break away from her. “Get some sleep, boss.” There’s something familiar and light about the way she calls him that and she can only pray that gets them through.

He suspects that he’s finally gone and done it. A part of him is relieved to find that fourteen-year-old Aaron Hotchner, a boy clutching to life with bloodied hands, was so wrong. The flash of heat and the open sting of his father’s belt against his back isn’t what finally makes him snap. Forces and pries his tight hold from reality. It’s nine, precise stab wounds and an awful cocktail of drugs that he can’t see his way out of. That’s what breaks him. Then again, it’s so much more than that.

Derek Morgan. His dark blue shirt fitted tightly over his back, the edge of the back tucked into his black pants. Tight muscles shifting under his skin as he stands with his back facing Hotch. His tattoos, body art Hotch had never really cared to mind, staring back at him now. Those tattoos are the only sensible thing about the world as his body is pulled back down.

He blinks owlishly at JJ. Her cold, tiny hand squeezing his and trying so valiantly to get him to talk to her. A question, something pressing, something important but he can’t…

Garcia with her tear-stained cheeks and the mascara running down her cheeks in pools. She says his name, he doesn’t hear but he sees her mouth form the word. He thinks that she might sit by his side and read. He’s got the faintest in and outs of The Hunger Games plot stuck in his brain.

There’s a fuzzy, half memory of Reid. Even in the present, he’s not sure it’s actually happening. A hallucination, maybe, but as he’s looking the young genius over he’s not sure why he’d hallucinate Reid. Then again, who else is left? There’s this look in his eyes, it makes Hotch feel guilty. Wrong. He doesn’t dwell on that feeling for very long. One sluggish blink later and he’s gone… maybe he was a hallucination.

Somewhere between hugging Jack and Dave standing in the doorway to his room, Hotch feels a very deep, uncomfortable weight settle across his chest. A realization on the tip of his tongue-- he wishes that Foyet had just killed him.

Waking with only the weak light of the hall outside, he realizes that he has no idea how much time has passed. Days or hours or even time. Just that the room is dark and there’s a light glow from the machines behind him. The morphine’s going to kill him. He needs to be more alert but the edges of the world are blurry and he’s already succumbing to the warm sting spreading over his body.

His hips ache and he makes the mistake of shifting. It’s just a small movement, sleepy and hazed he’s not capable of too much more. Still, his body is on fire.

“Careful,” Emily whispers from the dark.

He can see her, out of the very corner of his eye, rustling as she moves out from under the mountain of a blanket and uncurls her legs. He watches, silent, as those legs seem to go on forever. Reality melting into the heat of his body, the flames licking up him. And her touch is the water he so desperately craves but he’s lost his sense. There is no up or down or reprieve from the heat.

“Easy,” she breathes across him, the flames succumbing to her. To her will. “Just breath.”

He’s sinking back under the haze, mouth full of cotton and jaw slacked open but he can’t find the words. He can’t seem to remember how to speak. “Prentiss,” he rasps, eyes sliding shut but his hand closes around hers. Begging, pleading that she understands.

“I’m right here,” she promises. “Sleep. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

A week later, she finds him tripping over himself he’s so drunk. Making a mess of himself and everything around him but… that’s all he’s ever been good for anyway. She doesn’t say anything. There isn’t any disappointment in her eyes, despite what he’s expecting.

Haley always hated seeing him drunk. He gets sloppy.

Where Haley had seen only Mr. Hotchner, a broken old bastard, in her husband, Emily just sees a man begging for normalcy. For the pain to numb and for things to return to normal.

Emily just takes the bottle out of his hand. Taking a chug out of the bitter, dark liquid she grunts as she swallows. It burns and she supposed that’s half of the appeal to him. “Come watch the History channel with me,” she says, taking his hand and guiding him to the couch. He goes easily. She knows he likes the History channel and she also knows that he just needs some stability. Something solid. So she leans into his side and holds his hand. Reminds him that he’s not as alone as he thinks that he is.

But even that’s not enough.

“Hotch! Hotch, that’s enough! He’s dead, man,” Morgan falls to his knees, pulling Hotch from Foyet’s body. “He’s dead.”

Emily watches Hotch’s trembling body. The split skin of his knuckles and the way that two of his fingers crookedly bend into his palm. Rough ragged sobs tear through the room, breathless words passing Hotch’s lips. He’s shaking uncontrollably. She watches, his bowed back, snap. His attention, that hawk-like, eerie attention, is moved. It’s changed.

He pulls himself from Morgan’s arms.

Morgan having drawn Hotch to his chest. Bent their bodies to mold them into a folded backward hug. Their heads pressed together. Morgan can’t help his own tears. The abject horror washing over his body at the sight of the mess before him. Great arching sprays of blood and the thick scent of blood looming over them. And George Foyet… a blooded lifeless body before them.

And Hotch…

He stumbles to his feet, pulling his body from where he’d fallen into Morgan. Where he’d allowed himself just a moment's embrace. He takes three, four large steps on shaking legs.

Emily steps forward but Dave catches her elbow. He stops her from moving to Hotch.

He’s not in his right mind. Dave’s only protecting her. Protecting them. Aaron is hardly going to survive today, he doesn’t need to accidentally hurt Emily. He is a live wire and he’ll take them all out in the explosion.

George Foyet arches against his wires and they’re standing right there when his anger boils over and he screams into the nothing. Holding Haley’s body in his arms so delicate and broken. They’re both just broken dolls, their cords cut and the curtain comes tumbling down. One last final blow-- his job really did take everything from.

Jack isn’t enough to save him.

He blows up. It’s not nuclear but it’s unhinged and raw and there’s something about his eyes that makes Emily finally draw the line. He’s hurting but there has to be a line. A place where one of them steps in and says that it’s enough. That he’s got to pull himself together before he sucks them all into the black hole of his chest. And she’s quickly realizing, she’s the only one strong enough to do the job.

She finds him on a bender. He can hardly stand and the light mirth she’d once admired about his quizzical eyebrow raises is gone. The man standing before is a mess and she’s not sure if she hates herself or him more for letting it get this bad. For not finding that line sooner.

“Jesus,” she whispers.

He knows disgust when he sees it. A childhood spent curled into his father’s shoe, cracked ribs, and broken arms, he knows disgust all right. And now, a fully grown man, he just laughs. There’s nothing light about the sound. It’s morbid and twisted in his throat. A hollow sound. She’s disgusted by him.

“You need a shower,” she informs him with a curl of her nose. She steps past him, ignoring the frown she shoots her. She knows that he doesn't want her here but what he wants isn’t really a priority right now. He hasn’t got to tell her. She can see it in his eyes and smell it on his breath. He wants to crawl into a dark hole and die. She’s here to drag his sorry ass out.

Looking around his apartment, the first priority is getting rid of all the bottles. “Where are the trash bags,” she asks, heading to his kitchen. He’s already shaking his head, running his hands through his thick greasy hair. She finds the bags on her own, right where she’d assumed they’d be. Under the sink. “Where’s Jack?”

He falls onto the couch with a huff. “Jessica,” he grunts.

Good, she thinks, for him. Jack doesn’t need to see his father like this. Hell, no one does but… someone has to. At the same time, if Jack were here, Aaron wouldn’t have let himself get this bad.

“He probably misses you,” she says, starting in on tossing his garbage. There’s an astounding lack of food but it’s also not entirely surprising that without one of them hovering over him and forcing him to eat that he hasn’t tried. The word suicidal may not have come out of their mouths but they watch him. They see him. Sometimes you don’t have to speak a truth for it to be true.

And Aaron Hotchner is a coward. They are all. It’s why they haven’t taken his guns and it’s why he hasn’t put one to his mouth.

There are three guns in his home.

Two service weapons that he wouldn’t stain with his own blood. He took a vow and those weapons are not meant for this. It’s a disgrace to the only thing that’s ever made him mean anything.

The third is a gun his father had given him.

He was sixteen.

The words had poured out of his mouth. An aching truth he hadn’t even realized was true until the words were spoken. He did want to kill himself. The abuse was never going to end. He could see no end in sight and his father consumed his every action and thought and even his self-image.

He was tired of his reflection.

His father had grabbed the bottom of his jaw, large fingers digging into his flesh as he’d pulled Hotch’s mouth open. Hotch had shaken, frozen in place, as his father pressed the barrel of his gun to the roof of his mouth. Gunpowder and cold metal.

Sometimes, Hotch can still taste it.

He’d been afraid to die then but now, he longs for it. There is a darkness in his veins, murky and thick, that he needs to spill out. To watch the crimson drip down his flesh so that he can see, so that he can know that beneath this shell he is alive. That there is only a part of his sum that is broken and dead. He is alive.

His ribcage expands with life.

His heart beats with purpose.

But his mind… it has rotted. Desolate and afraid.

His father had beaten him senseless that night but that made it no different than any other night.

And the very gun that had once been pressed between his lips now rests in the safe in his office. Untainted and calling out so wistfully to him. He can hear it now, as Emily calmly collects his empty bottles of alcohol. His throne of glass shattering beneath him. He can always hear it. How simple it would be to get it now. To just end all of this.

“Aaron?”

He looks up suddenly, eyes unfocused and glazed.

“Aaron!”

The bile hits the back of his throat and is thrown out on his hands and knees, expelling the contents of his stomach into the porcelain of the toilet. His head throbs as Emily follows him, turning on the lights. He’s been sitting in the dark for so long, he’d forgotten the sting of the light.

“Just leave me alone,” he grunts, spits falling over his bottom lip as his stomach aches on. Rolling and churning. He’s put nothing in it for the last forty-eight hours other than Scotch, Oxy, and two shitty beers from when he first moved into this shit-stained apartment. He groans as his stomach clenches, leaning his forehead against the cold porcelain.

Emily’s seen enough. She’s tired of this little performance he’s putting on. “No,” she steps to the sink and drenches a rag in the shockingly cold water. Wringing it out only slightly before slapping over the back of his neck. “This bullshit, it ends tonight, do you understand me?”

He grunts as the rag meets his skin, trembling muscles protesting at the temperature difference of his overheated body. Even if he could think of something to say in protest, he’s not sure it would make it past his lips without being accented by more drug-laced regurgitated booze. Besides, he knows she's right. Deep, deep down. Beneath the self-loathing heat and even farther down beneath the frayed parts of him that never survived childhood. He knows. He knows that even if it’s not for him, he has to stop. For the team and his son.

“First,” she whispers kneeling down beside him. “We need to get you sober.” She draws a clean rag over his face, wiping the vomit from his lips. “What have you taken?”

He shakes his head. Can’t meet her eyes. He’s ashamed and he should be.

She reaches out to touch him but he flinches, looking between her hand and her face. As if he’s expecting her to hit him. “Aaron,” she softens her voice. Moving slowly until she’s cupping his cheek. His eyes water, chest hitching as his breathing grows unsteady with the emotions boiling to the surface. “I just want you to get better.”

A tear falls down his cheek and he turns his cheek, trying and failing to hide it from her. He wants to get better.

Tears are falling down his face when he turns his face back to her and pulls in a stuttering breath. He pulls his sleeve up. He shows her the hesitantly made cuts on his forearm. “I-- I don’t…” he pulls away from the hand she reaches out to him with. But when she tries again, he lets her hold his wrist in her hand. Her finger ghosts over the scabs. He hadn’t known what he was doing and he hadn’t liked the blood. He’d just wanted the hurt.

It was too much like Foyet. The knife and the razor and the blood on his white t-shirt.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

She shakes her head. No, this is-- this is his fault. These cuts were made by his hand but they never should have let him get so low. They should have done more.

Pulling her eyes from his arm she steadies herself. He isn’t hopeless. He's a fighter and he’s stronger than she is. He’s got more to lose than he realizes.

“I took the oxy,” he admits. “It’s-- It wasn’t enough.” He’s shaking now, coming down from his anger and submitting to the pain. “You need to…” a part of his broken mind screams. It screams to fall silent. That he needs the gun and that he’s just supposed to be distracting her now so that he can follow through with the plan he’s been making for weeks--

The office and the gun. Spinning in the leather-bound chair that Haley had gotten him as a wedding gift and biting the bullet. The letters are written and waiting on his desk. The chamber is full. The gun calls for him.

“There’s a gun,” he whispers. “In my office, you need to-- you have to get it or I’ll…”

She nods her understanding.

He can’t see around the tears pooling in his eyes, “uhm... “ He’s trying to think, what else? What else is left? He couldn’t stomach the thought of slitting his wrist. Never had the nerve to draw a bath and just to sink into warmth… that’s too gentle. He’d needed a bang. A mess and more disgust. More hurt.

And now he can feel the panic of his options being taken away.

“Aaron,” she squeezes his hand. He meets her eyes and feels a fraction of warmth. “Just-- Just--” she wants to tell him to let her in. She wants to tell him that all this is going to pass in time and this awful moment will just be a cruel memory one day. But she’s looking at him and seeing her own reflection. Two people broken by time and unable to trust another human being. She can’t be certain why she does it.

Her mind screams that he’s neither trustworthy nor in the right mind but she wraps her around him and pulls him into a hug. “I love you,” she tells him, hugging him tightly. Feeling his tension and apprehension. Slowly, he lifts his arms and hugs her back. He clings to her. Squeezing her tight but she’s not going anywhere.

He’s vaguely aware of the fabric of her soft cotton shirt getting wet against his face. Her hand comes up and brushes his hair down and he finds that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that he’s sobbing in the arms of the very woman who was once hired to end his career. He doesn’t care because he feels the pain and for once, he can breathe.

Emily holds him tighter. Neither is speaking. They just cling together in the storm and Emily hopes that she can drag him out of this mess. That he can come back here, to her arms instead of into the bottle. And she’ll get his gun. She’ll throw out all of the alcohol and call Jessica in three or four days when he’s mopped up and dry and tell her that Hotch needs to see Jack.

And maybe one day they’ll think back to this moment and it won’t hurt as much. But for today, for this moment, they just hold one another.

[muchmorethanmachines]

[ sms ]  →   why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled ‘we need more bagels’  (Danny @ Anais)

Textify! || @storiesnotyettold || Still Accepting

[Text]  → Last time I wanted you to pick something up, you accused me of not being ‘clear enough’. I thought this time I’d make it super obvious. We need more bagels. When you go to the store, purchase and bring home bagels, please.

[bapyess1r]

Amphetamine

WARNINGS: cursing, age difference, substances used

CHAPTER 6

Talia’s POV

We had come back from the hotel and parked the car at my Godparents. We wouldn’t be needing it for the rest of the day. When we got to Sam’s we knocked on the door, only to be greeted by Marcel and his blinding white smile. “Hey Talia! Anais…” he smirked, throwing her a wink. She held up the half pound bag of ice and smiled.

“Hey boo.” she purred. Watching the two of them flirt was cute for a second or two until they started making a series of faces.

“Sup’ Marcel.” I chuckled, shaking my head. I looked around the tidy mess of a living room for Sam but he wasn’t around. I was almost disappointed.

“Sam is loading up the boat and making sure it’s safe to drive. We haven’t used it since his last job.” He told us.

“And he pulls it out for us?” Anna said, feeling flattered as she sat on the red couch.

“Personally, I think it’s to show off for Talia.” He said whispering rather loudly to her.

“I can hear you! I’ll be right back, I’ve gotta change into my swimsuit.” I smirked. I went to the bathroom and sighed as I closed the door behind me. It was going to be a long day of flirting and jokes, all of us drunk again. I took off my shirt and pants, exchanging them for the bright orange bikini that I stored in my bag. When you live in Florida, you kinda learn to keep one with you everywhere you go. You never know who has a pool. As I slid the haulter around my neck the door suddenly opened and I squealed, turning my back to cover my chest. It was Sam.

“First time in my house naked, I kinda expected to be there for it.” He smirked. Without a word, I punch him hard in the chest. “I’m sorry- I’m sorry!” He backed out, closing the door with a chuckle.

My face was flush with embarrassment as I tied the back of my bikini. I pulled my jeans over my legs and stuffed my shirt in my bag, shaking my body to loosen up the tension. “That’s a cute one.” Anna told me, gesturing to my bikini with a drink in hand.

“Day drinking already? We still haven’t eaten!” I said as Marcel shoved a pretty glass filled with screwdriver in my hands.

“Good thing I made you guys sandwiches!” He smiled, passing me a plate complete with some potato chips on the side. My eyes grew big with hunger as I raced to the bar to sit.

“What kinda sandwich?” I asked, sitting my cup down and picking up one of the halves.

“Shredded grilled chicken topped with a bit of potato salad and deviled egg.” He sounded quite proud of his leftover sandwiches.

“Fuuuck….” I groaned as I took a large bite. Everything meshed so well together and it didn’t take me long to clean my plate either. Just as I did, Sam emerged from his bedroom, dressed in a blue Hawaiian shirt covered in bright pink flowers and palm leaves with toucans. He wore a tight pink shirt underneath and some grey swim trunks. He stepped out with his arms out wide for us to admire his clothing of choice and I scrunch my face. I could tell Marcel and Anna felt the same was as they donned my exact expression.

“What?!” Sam shouted. He could tell we weren’t feeling it.

“Imma have to have a talk with you about your fashion choices.” I laughed aloud before sipping my orange juice soaked vodka. The others cackled.

“I’m tellin’ you man, it’s about time to retire those shirts.” Marcel chuckled, wiping a tear from his eye.

“Hawaiian shirts have actually evolved since the 80’s y’know.” Anna added, nodding matter of factly.

“We should go shopping when we get to the boardwalk!” Marcel interjected.

“Shopping?! Nah, man, count me out.” Sam said, shaking his head.

“But-” I started and he winced.

“Ehh…” he said. I stood up and walked over to him pouting.

“Please?” I said with my best puppy dog eyes, running my hand up his arm, my fingertips gently gracing his side. He stared down at me with narrowed eyes and sighed in bitter defeat.

“Just promise me we’re not gonna be there all day…” he whined.

“Obviously. That takes away from the sunshine. Shopping is just a thing we’ll do when we get bored.” I said, playing with one of his fingers. He rolled his eyes and raised his hand to kiss my knuckles briefly.

“Fine.” he said, taking off his shirt and throwing aimlessly into his room before going into his closet and grabbing a white button down. “Alright then, let’s hit the channel, ladies and gents.”

He clapped his hands before placing them on my hips and guiding me towards the door.

I took hold of Sam’s hand as he threw on his sunglasses and led us to his boat. Out of all the boats we had seen on the way down, his definitely wasn’t the greatest. It was small and khaki with wooden accents to it, a roof over the driver and passenger side. The back was long enough to fit us all and that’s all that mattered. “She’s not the prettiest but she’s a fast one. And she steers real easy.” he told us, proudly slapping the side of the boat labeled “The Morgan”. I smiled at how proud he was of his little boat. It made me happy to see him smiling the way he did.

“After you, ladies.” Marcel said, offering a hand to Anna as Sam lifted me up and placed me in the boat. I squealed as my feet left the ground and he hopped in with no problem. Marcel undid the rope that kept us anchored to the docks before joining us. As Sam made his way to the driver's seat, I sat next to Anna to watch him do his thing. He started the boat and the two massive black motors behind us roared suddenly making Anna scream. We all laughed at her startled face and Sam turned the radio up.

“Everybody in?!” He yelled over the music. We all gave various versions of a yes and the boat began to drift away from the docks. We sailed for a little bit under overpasses and through the neighborhood as Marcel made us all more drinks before we reached the big blue ocean. I was living for the sights. It was so surreal. We passed a man on a paddleboard dressed in an office suit, his pants rolled to his knees and his work in his crossbody bag. Sam waved at the guy briefly as we passed him and ran his fingers through his hair as it was blown around. The wind pushed at his clothes, his shirt bellowing in the wind. I shuddered at how good he looked and leaned back onto Anna with an exaggerated crying face.

“He looks so damn good!” I whispered to her, not being able to contain myself. She cheesed at me before yelling out.

“Damn, Sam! You look hot up there!” And Marcel wolf whistled, adding to the mix. I blushed, covering my face a bit as he looked behind him for a moment to lower his sunglasses and wink at us. I could’ve died right there but instead, I reached in the cooler and grabbed him a beer.

As the boat coasted by a gigantic cruise ship, blocking the shade, I walked up to him, his beer cracked and ready for him. He looked down at me above his shades and smirked, taking the drink from me. “Thank you, sweetheart.” he said smoothly. ‘If I died right now, I’d be ok.’ I thought with a pleasant grin. “So… Are we having fun?” he asked me as I sat in the passenger seat, leaning on the bar to enjoy my surroundings. I lifted my glasses to push back my hair and rested my chin in my hand.

“It’s alright, I guess.” I teased and he nudged me in the shoulder with a deep chuckle.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” he smiled. I could see him in my peripheral looking at me repeatedly and eventually I turned my head to meet his eyes. “You know… eventually we’re going to have to talk about the massive jump between when we first met and last night.”

My heart skipped for a moment but I tried my best not to let him see me flustered. “What do you mean?”

“That kiss last night was… amazing. And I can’t stop thinking about it.” he confessed. I gave a wide closed lip grin.

“What- you want another one?”

“I wouldn’t be opposed.” he said with a cheshire grin, sipping his beer. The tension building between us again was insane. I couldn’t help it. I stood on my tiptoes to plant a soft kiss on his plush lips and smiled. He gave a satisfied grunt before gripping the steering wheel. “The reason I said… That I didn’t wanna hurt you is because I’m almost always gone. I’m always chasing something. And when I’m gone, the person I’m with gets lonely and tries to demand me to stay home. Build a family or whatever. But I can’t because…” he paused a moment to gather himself and took a deep sigh. “I like my life as it is right now… I’m never gonna be able to stop…”

“Are you giving me a warning sign?” I raised my brows in surprise.

“If I didn’t, you’d hate me and I can’t have that…” he told me lowly. I put a hand on his bicep and squeezed it tightly.

“You need someone that’ll go with you. Not keep you back.”

“Yeah… I guess so. But my job… it can get very dangerous and I’d hate to lose somebody.” he said solemnly. He was being extremely open with me.

“I think I could handle myself pretty well.” I smirked in response, crossing my arms and legs. I put my shades down and flipped my hair, returning to drinking in my new aquatic surroundings.

“You think so huh…” he mumbled. His face softened as he scratched over his neck tattoo.

“Why’d you tell me all of that?” I asked.

“Well… It’s obvious that we have this…. Attraction to each other. I have a feeling it’s going to grow on both sides,” he said with a sweet smile. “I don’t want you to be lonely, but I can’t stop searching for lost artifacts… I don't wanna start something with you and I can’t be here with you.” I stroked his hair and caressed his cheek. It was time I started to be just as vulnerable with him as he was with me.

“Sam, I have nothing… I have a job yes but it was a result of a failed career. I don’t have a home of my own. I don’t have a boyfriend or a life waiting for me when I leave Florida… I’m a...floater.” I chuckled. “I could easily just hop on a plane and leave with you.” I wrapped my arm around his free hand and rested my forehead on his shoulder. With a swift motion, he wrapped that arm around me and cuddled me close, his eyes never leaving the watery path.

“What am I gonna do with you?” he said with a sigh of relief.

“That’s up to you, bub.” I answered, patting his strong back. A perverse smirk spread across his lips and I smacked his chest.

“Just sayin…” he chuckled.

Author’s Note: I know it’s been a slow burner but this next chapter I swear things are gonna pick up! 🙈 Expect some filth 😭

[callunavulgari]

“Listen to the sound of my heart beat slow Yeah, my heart's like yours, my heart's like yours Listen to the sound, oh it feels like home When our hearts beat slow together.”

Heather’s Top 50 Songs of 2019!

dark night — philip sheppard // curse of the i-5 corridor��— neko case // way down we go — kaleo // almost — hozier // dancing in a room — ezi // epic (pt ii) — anais mitchell & justin vernon // spanish sahara — foals // obstacles — syd matters // tom thumb — bitter ruin // wolves of the revolution — the arcadian wild // epic (pt iii) — anais mitchell, justin vernon // the spine — darren korb & ashley barrett // don’t think twice — hikaru utada // face my fears — hikaru utada // waves — chloe moriondo // ashes — bear mccreary // wake up, moving on — kevin penkin // paper boats — darren korb & ashley barrett // call off your ghost — dessa // power over me — dermot kennedy // a future for the krogan — christopher lennertz // mine — bazzi // bite — charlie cunningham // wait for me — andre de shields // birds — imagine dragons & elisa // crazy — patsy cline //  bury a friend — billie eilish // the seed — aurora // eleventh dimension — julian casablancas // sunflower — post malone // what’s up danger — blackway, black caviar // bad guy — billie eilish // elevate — dj khalil // must’ve been — chromeo // dark matter — les friction // lark of my heart — eliza rickman // dancing on my own — robyn //  hungover in the city of dust — autoheart // season of the witch — lana del rey // bird song — juniper vale // paradise valley — honey & the sting // my hallelujah — autoheart // furthest star — dirt poor robins // play dirty — kevin mcallister // it’s quiet uptown — kelly clarkson // pas de deux — michael abels // i got 5 on it — michael abels, luniz, mi // one day more — les mis cast // into the unknown — idina menzel, aurora // show yourself — idina menzel & evan rachel wood

short version | long version | youtube | spotify unwrapped

long version will lead you to the 165 song, 10 hour and 34 minute playlist which i’ve been slowly adding to since january. short version will lead you to what you see here. youtube will lead you to the playlist you see here but... wait for it... on youtube. mostly because i know not everyone has spotify. spotify unwrapped will lead you to a mixture of the long and the short version, which is pretty bloated with austin wintory songs because those are what i listen to when i write or read usually.

the long version is much improved in length from last year, which was 261 songs and 17 hours, but that’s mostly because august through december i was pretty bad at keeping track of the music that caught my attention. whoops.

and under the cut is me ranting about music, like usual. enjoy!

i. dark night || philip sheppard *instrumental*

This was my absolute favorite from the Detroit: Become Human soundtrack. I tended to prefer Kara’s songs most because they were gorgeous and haunting and just plain fantastic. Connor’s songs were mostly listened to while writing for the fandom, but Kara’s songs were what I kept coming back to. ii. curse of the i-5 corridor || neko case So I left home and faked my ID I fucked every man that I wanted to be

Sometime in January, I fell in love with eighteen wheels on an uphill climb, which was a 91k hank/connor wip by blackeyedblonde. Hank’s a trucker. Connor occasionally dabbles in sex work to keep himself alive and moving. But like, it’s so much more than that? Anyway, at some point the author linked to this song. I think it may have been on tumblr, but I fell in love with it and neko case.

iii. way down we go || kaleo Oh, 'cause they will run you down, down 'til the dark Yes and they will run you down, down 'til you fall And they will run you down, down 'til you go Yeah, so you can't crawl no more

Speaking of Detroit: Become Human (sensing a theme?), this fanvideo is one of my favorite things in the world. I had it and a couple other fantastic videos like it playing in the background while writing for the fandom. This video, in fact, is what finally made me go in search of the game. iv. almost (sweet music) || hozier The same kind of music haunts her bedroom I'm almost me again, she's almost you Wasteland, Baby was a thing that happened to me. Which would have already been enough to get it on this list, but I also listened to it on repeat while writing my first DBH fic. v. dancing in a room || ezi I know you notice, notice me I might be broken but it's not showing It's how I'm copin', copin' I don’t actually remember where this one came from. I know that sometime when March is still a bit cold, I listened to a playlist on spotify that I can’t find for the life of me. It had a lot of the songs that are about to come up on it, and before I started exclusively listening to audiobooks while I got ready for work in the morning, I listened to random fantastic playlists. vi. epic (pt ii) || anais mitchell & justin vernon And suddenly Hades was only a man with a taste of nectar upon his lips

Hadestown was also a thing that happened to me. This song makes me fucking weak. All of the lyrics are great, the whole song is gorgeous and haunting and so perfect it hurts, but those lyrics above are just *chefs kiss* vii. spanish sahara || foals Forget the horror here Leave it all down here It's future rust and it's future dust

Sometime during the spring, I played Life Is Strange and had a million and one feelings. I played both options for the ending and each one was gut wrenching in its own way. I think I still prefer the one where Chloe lives, but this song has literally haunted me ever since.

viii. obstacles || syd matters Someday we will foresee obstacles Through the blizzard, through the blizzard And this is the song that plays if you make the other choice. Again, SUPER TRAGIC, but also you know. You get to keep your girlfriend. ix. tom thumb || bitter ruin And I know I'll be burnt, but I can stand a flame or two to catch you

This was one of the songs that I discovered on the mysterious spotify playlist! Something I’d forgotten: I discovered Hadestown off of that playlist. Thanks, mystery playlist. You gave me all the ear worms. x. wolves of the revolution || the arcadian wild You're trapped inside of your own heart It's a spectators sport, just play your part You guessed it - from the mystery playlist. They’re all very reminiscent of the Hadestown soundtrack. Vaguely eerie, kind of haunting, a lot beautiful. Makes you feel like you’re a forest creature living on the edge of the swamp. You know: the aesthetic. xi. epic (pt iii) || anais mitchell & justin vernon Where is the treasure inside your chest? Where is your pleasure? Where is your youth? Where is the man with his hat in his hands? Who stands in the garden with nothing to lose I thought about only including this one instead of including part 2, but in the end I loved both too much to choose. Hadestown, man. I hope it comes to Ohio at some point in the near future. xii.  the spine || darren korb & ashley barrett Fingers tied themselves in knots around the heart It beats in time I see the spine of the world

I have never actually played Transistor, which is fucking tragic because I listened to basically the entire soundtrack over and over again for the entire year. There’s at least one more song from the game on this list, but it is really wonderful. Haunting vocals, perfect for writing or reading or driving.  xiii. don’t think twice || hikaru utada I'm only crying 'cause I never dreamed It'd take this long, it'd take this long Hi, I played Kingdom Hearts 3 this year. And I cried so fucking much. I had some issues with the game, namely how the ending was such a clusterfuck of boss fight after boss fight and emotional character arc resolutions so it all felt kind of rushed? But the gameplay was superb, the selfie thing was ingenious, and I did cry at least six different times while I was stressing my way through fighting boss fights with blurry eyes. xiv. face my fears || hikaru utada Oh, let me face, let me face, let me face my fears Won't be long, won't be long, I'm almost here Watch me cry all my tears

So like, if you care at all you’ve probably already seen it, but the opening cutscene of KH3 was to Face My Fears, and I’m gonna be real honest here - I didn’t like it at first. I moaned and groaned about Skrillex and how it was nothing like Simple and Clean or Passion/Sanctuary. But it grew on me to the point that it was actually my most listened to song this year. Watch me cry all my tears, indeed. xv. waves || chloe moriondo Make me into more than a goner Perhaps a little bit stronger Thicker skin, less needy, And maybe to not bruise so damn easily, but you can't

I don’t remember where I found this song either? Maybe mystery playlist but probably not. Either way, it’s pretty and uh, I too want to slow the world down. xvi. ashes || bear mccreary -instrumental- Man, oh man, let’s talk about how good of a game God of War was. It was so good, guys. The game play was excellent, the world was gorgeous, and the storyline was interesting. And the music went so, so hard. Between Horizon Zero Dawn and the new God of War, I have basically been ruined for all other games. Also, dad protagonists, am I right? xvii. wake up, moving on || kevin penkin -instrumental-

Did not actually realize this was part of a soundtrack to a game? But it’s very lilty. Has that French quirky romcom vibe to it and I listened to the crap out of it in early summer. xviii. paper boats || darren korb & ashley barrett The river always finds the sea So helplessly Like you find me

Another Transistor song. I really love Ashley Barrett’s voice. I should probably at some point play the game. xix. call off your ghost || dessa I hope she makes you happy It's just a lot to ask to watch your future walking past me

This song played during one of the weather segments of Welcome to Night Vale and made me remember how much I absolutely adore Dessa. Her voice is fantastic and I love the way that her songs flow. Also, this song gives me personal feels. xx. power over me || dermot kennedy I wanna be king in your story I wanna know who you are I want your heart to beat for me I have absolutely no idea where I heard this one. It might have been playing on the radio while I was driving somewhere? I played it a lot during the summer.  xxi. a future for the krogan || christopher lennertz -instrumental- It’s been a while since I played Mass Effect, but this song came up on a writing playlist and I have been listening to it ever since.

xxii. mine || bazzi Running circles 'round my mind Even when it's rainy all you ever do is shine

Shrug emoji. 

xxiii. bite || charlie cunningham Stone cold faces let you keep you poisoning your blood Cut you open then you'll see poison in your blood

Also shrug emoji? Most of the time when I’m doing these there’s fandom connatations to half the songs, but these year I wasn’t heavily invested in a whole lot of fandoms so these are mostly just songs I listened to while I was a) driving, b) in the shower, or c) while reading.

xxiv. wait for me || andre de shields Ain't no compass, brother, there ain't no map Just a telephone wire and the railroad track Keep on walking and you don't look back

And here’s the last Hadestown song on the list. It’s just... really good, okay. Really, really good. xxv. birds || imagine dragons & elisa Seasons, they will change Life will make you grow Dreams will make you cry, cry, cry

I think there’s been an Imagine Dragons song on here every year since they came out with Radioactive. This is the only song of theirs I heard this year, but pairing their voice with Elisa’s was fucking genius because this song makes me feel the chorus in my soul. xxvi. crazy || patsy cline You'd love me as long as you wanted And then some day You'd leave me for somebody new I was at a bar, and my friend has just announced that he was getting married to his girlfriend of ten years in Vegas, on a ferris wheel, by an Elvis impersonator. We started listening to Elvis songs to figure out what he’d play, and then we got distracted listening to a bunch of old love songs. This one is more heartbreak than love, but I’ve always loved Patsy’s voice. xxvii. bury a friend || billie eilish Bury a friend, try to wake up

I was really slow to the Billie Eilish train. One of my friends recommended her music and it’s just so chaotic and fantastic that I can’t believe I didn’t fall for it earlier. This song in particular was a Billy Hargrove song for a while.

xxviii. the seed || aurora Feed me sunlight, feed me air In a place where nothing matters Feed me truth and feed me prayer Aurora’s got one of those truly lovely voices. Also I like songs about how the earth should eat humanity.

xxix.  eleventh dimension || julian casablancas 'Cause no one really cares or wonders why anymore Oh, I got music, coming out of my hands and feet and kisses

Back in 2011, when I was still watching Doctor Who, someone made this video which blew my little heart away. I rediscovered this song while we were driving back to Ohio from our annual beach trip and managed to get everyone in the car hooked on it for weeks afterwards.

xxx. sunflower || post malone You're a sunflower I think your love would be too much

Into the Spiderverse! Was so! Good! 

xxxi. what’s up danger || blackway, black caviar I like it all on the edge just like you, ayy I like tall buildings so I can leap off of 'em

So like, that scene, right? The one that had everyone losing their collective shit? I saw gifs before I watched the movie, and goddamn, it lived up to every single expectation I ever had. I made Nick watch it with me, and he groaned a lot because honestly he is not the biggest fan of super hero movies, but even he admitted that it was the best damn Spiderman movie we’d ever seen. It was powerful and clever and heartwarming and funny and the music and animation were both fan-freaking-tastic.

xxxii. bad guy || billie eilish I'm the bad guy, duh Can you believe that I actually didn’t know about this video until @nijuukoo did art? I mean, I’d definitely heard it and liked it before hand, but the fucking video, man. That pic of Vanitas showering Ven in hearts is still the background of my desktop.(It would have been the one of him sitting on Ansem while he’s doing push ups, but it didn’t work with my screen)

xxxiii. elevate || dj khalil I jump off this building to save these civilians My strength and my honor is trusted by children I'm ready and willing to fight all these villains No chaos or killings, my style is so brilliant I really, really liked the music to Into the Spiderverse.

xxxiv. must’ve been || chromeo I must've been high when I met you Out of my mind when I decided to love you

There was a Harringrove fic that I read during the summer that made the connection between this song and modern AU Billy and Steve. I thought it was @lymricks but maybe not. Either way - I listened to this for like three weeks straight while reading about Billy and Steve flirting at the pool. Ha! Found it - you, through half-shut eyes by @brawlite.

xxxv. dark matter || les friction Bring me your soul, bring me your hate In my name you will create Bring me your fear, bring me your pain You will destroy in my name

There was an Outsider fanvid. I tripped over it.

xxxvi. lark of my heart || eliza rickman Lark of my heart - dance in the dark and say you love me Lark of my heart - right from the start and say you love me

This one was another that I found on a random playlist while I was reading and I just love the rhythm of the song. I sat right up and favorited that sucker before I lost it.

xxxvii. dancing on my own — robyn I'm just gonna dance all night I'm all messed up, I'm so outta line Stilettos on broken bottles I'm spinning around in circles Okay. Okay, okay, okay. So there was that tumblr post that went around a while back where a bunch of subway riders who just got back from a Robyn concert started singing while waiting for the train and I just. It makes me so fucking happy. Like, I remember the night I clicked on that video. I’d never heard the song before, but I didn’t need to because the level of fucking joy and unity in that video literally brought tears to my eyes. Sometimes, humans are fucking beautiful.

xxxviii. hungover in the city of dust || autoheart We’re hungover in the city of dust So let our minds run round in circles While we figure it all out

I really adore autoheart. They did Sailor Song, which was on my Top Songs post last year and honestly, according to the plays on spotify, probably should have still been on my list this year, but alas - this is the abridged version. Every song I’ve heard from them I’ve loved. The entire bridge makes me shiver, it’s just so wonderfully executed.

xxxix. season of the witch || lana del rey You've got to pick up every stitch, The rabbits running in the ditch, Oh no, must be the season of the witch In October I watched Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark and it was super spooky and really great and probably one of the best movies I saw this year? But like, also this cover by Lana del Rey was the best damn thing about it. Someone made a witchy video that was great too but I can’t find it now. xl. bird song || juniper vale Listen to the sound of my heart beat slow Yeah, my heart's like yours, my heart's like yours Listen to the sound, oh it feels like home When our hearts beat slow together

I really like Juniper Vale. I found them last year when I stumbled across their cover of Singing In The Rain, and they churn out some really quality music.

xli. paradise valley || honey & the sting So you'll have to hold me down Could you just hold me down build the levees higher This song was always going to make it to 2019′s list too. It’s just too damn good. Thank you, Wolf 359. You’ve given me a gift that is still giving three years later.

xlii. my hallelujah || autoheart Thought I found a new religion In you who was I kidding There's nowhere to go Except for under quarantine

More Autoheart! Just listen to that melody! That flow! 

xliii. furthest star || dirt poor robins We'll find our hiding place Clear across the Milky Way Beyond the galaxy On the furthest star that we see

This song reminds me a lot of Muse back in their early days. I was half-napping on the couch listening to, you guessed it, a random playlist on spotify, and I liked this song enough to surface from the edges of slumber to favorite it so I could find it again.

xliv. play dirty || kevin mcallister Would you get the Devil this dance? Would you be a part of his plans? Now you got some blood on your hands

There was a fanvid. It was good and basically caught me up on Preacher. The song is also really catchy.

xlv. it’s quiet uptown || kelly clarkson Look at where we are Look at where we started Last year, this was on my list because of an EOS 10 playlist. This year it’s on my list because I still fucking love it. Also I saw Hamilton this year and it was really phenomenal. I cannot get over how good it was.

xlvi. pas de deux || michael abels -instrumental- I watched Us in late October/early November and this entire sequence was really lovely and eerie and just all around fantastic. I loved the mirroring throughout the movie, and it all came together in this stunning confrontation.

xlvii. i got 5 on it || michael abels, luniz, mi I got five on it

Us had a really good soundtrack.

xlviii. one day more || les mis cast One more dawn One more day One day more!

About a month ago I got to see Les Mis in theater and I cried like six or seven times. That is not an exaggeration I was a fucking mess. As much as I’ve adored every musical I have seen up until this point, I have never had a musical affect me the way this one did. It was incredibly powerful and the experience was worth every damn cent.

xlix. into the unknown || idina menzel, aurora Everyone I've ever loved is here within these walls I'm sorry, secret siren, but I'm blocking out your calls

Like, I know it’s cool to hate on Frozen because it got so popular, but Idina Menzel is a queen with the voice of an angel and I’m sorry, but the movies were good. Also, Elsa is very, very pretty and this shit was very, very gay. 

l. show yourself || idina menzel & evan rachel wood Come to me now Open your door Don't make me wait One moment more

Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Elsa gets all the best numbers. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, folks. Happy listening.

[atlaswriting]

“I’m sure she does want to ride you,” I tell him bitterly as we’re locked into our seat. We’re halfway at the top when I speak again, “She’s pretty.”

I stare out at the water. It’s hard to see anything but the cruelty of the waves, the sureness of mortality. My nails tap on the metal securing us in and I can imagine flinging myself into the depth; allowing the water to fill my lungs intimately with salt. “Are you going to sleep with her?”

Abram groans, rocking our seat and I find myself holding on tighter to the bar. “Jesus Christ, Elise,” his hand curls around the metal, white knuckling for the second day in a row. I begin to wonder if there will be a time Abram isn’t holding on for dear life around me. “What does it matter to you anyway?”

“If you’re going to get an STD, I would certainly like to be made aware so I don’t make any more mistakes.”

He laughs, humorlessly and shifts in the seat as we descend. “Mistake.” Abram repeats, nodding, “You just can’t help but twist the knife in deeper, can you? You are so selfish, Elise. You know what? You and Sylvia should be friends since you’re so much alike.” He doesn’t wait for the attendant to release us, choosing to unhook the bar and storm off down the boardwalk.

“What’s wrong with him?” Jason asks as he leaves the ride a few seats after we do. I wait for him to catch up to me before reaching for his hand and holding on tight, “Woah, you okay? It didn’t go that fast.”

I shake my head.

There’s no way for me to tell him that the thrash of my barely beating heart is because of Abram—or that these days I think more about ending my life than beginning it.

I can’t tell him of the constant ache and the bruising in my lungs. I can’t tell him that the Gods and Ghosts fighting for real estate in my brain are constantly warring and I am tired.

Instead, I sit next to him in the sand and tell him about Simon, about Anais and how I wanted to run away but there was no place far enough, no place deep enough to swallow me whole. Glancing back out at the water, I tremble with the overwhelming desire to tie a millstone around my neck and repent for all my sins.

After I finish speaking and become an emotional mess of fighting tears and losing, Jason leans over, kisses my cheek and turns me toward him. “I love you.” He says matter of factly—like it is the most certain thing in the world.

My jaw unhinges and I look back at toward the water, then find Abram—like a beacon—amidst the crowd of people a few yards away—then back at Jason.

“You don’t have to say it back, I just—I want you to know.”

My brows knit together and I do my best to hide the disappointment from corrupting my features, I pull my lips apart in a smile that’s all too rehearsed and I grab his hand, bringing his fingers to my mouth and pressing my lips to them. “Thank you.” Is all I can manage. I ignore the moment of hurt that flashes over his face, he’s quick to recover and pull me back to the group.

♡ ♡ ♡  

“Jason told me he loves me.” I approach Abram carefully, using my words like some kind of white flag. Underneath his t-shirt his muscles tense and he moves his eyes all over the beach—everywhere expect on me. Sienna forgot her hoodie in the car and Abram offered to grab it—I, of course, followed.

Unlocking the car, Abram kneels in the front seat and grabs two hoodies—Sienna’s and his. Without prompting, he holds his out for me, “You were shaking.” I take it and pull it on, swimming in the black fabric, finding the sort of comfort I should be looking for in Jason. “Did you say it back?” I can’t tell if he’s mad or curious. He keeps his eyes trained on the sand as we hike back toward the glowing fire and the dozens of bodies surrounding it.

“No. I didn’t say it back. I said thank you. I’m not going to say that just to say it.”

“You said thank you?” Abram snorts and I shoot a glare at him, “I’m sorry that’s just… horrible—so horrible it’s funny.” Silence falls over us and I’m grateful because the burn in my calves is growing intolerable. “If you don’t—or are not going to love Jason, you need to tell him. This whole game you’re playing it’s not right. Jason doesn’t deserve this.”

My jaw tenses and I want to tell him that just because something is complicated doesn’t make it a game.

“At least Jason knows who he wants.” I bite out resentfully, using what little strength I have to walk ahead of him. I find Jason seated by the fire, ignoring everything that Jane is saying. I plaster the practiced smile and sit beside him, looping my arm through his and leaning my head on his shoulder. Still, I watch Karli and Abram, and her inability to keep her hands away from his body. The closer she gets to him, I get to Jason and when she leans in to whisper something in Abram’s ear, I retaliate by pressing my lips to his. Kiss him in the sort of way that’s been reserved only for Abram—and maybe, if I close my eyes hard enough, I can fool myself.

♡ ♡ ♡  

I wake the next morning beside Jason, still in Abram’s hoodie and drowning in shame. As any decent boy, he slept fully clothed—after I told him I wasn’t feeling good, blaming the sun and heavily fried churro, I allowed the fraught beat against my ribs to lull me to sleep.

On the table next to me, my phone buzzes incessantly and I cautiously pick it up, “’Lo?” I answer, sleep thickly coating my throat. I glance back at him, still sleeping and sneak out of the room, walking straight for the porch.

“En as-tu déjà assez?” Her voice on the other end of the phone is the last thing I wanted to hear, yet I refuse to hang up.

I sigh, “I’m not in the mood to fight with you today, mama.” Pulling my knees into my chest, I tug the hood over my head and sink back into the darkness.

“Was the truth not everything you wanted it to be?” When I don’t answer, Cerise continues, “Your father or the boy?” She asks.

“Les deux.”

I can picture the knowing smile that curses her lips now, parting like a cheshire cat—no less deviant, “I could have told you that, Elise, une mère sait mieux.” She clicks her tongue but then her voice softens, “Which hurt worse?”

The last few days flash through my mind like a movie I never wanted to see. I consider both Abram and Simon for a moment; weigh the pain that hangs heavy around my heart before answering her, “Les deux.”

The soft that Cerise attempts over the phone offers a false sense of ease and I can feel the sadness as it rocks my body, “What have I say about crying, mon cher?” She asks, “Leave that for the weak and the poor—and you, my girl, are neither. I will turn your cards back on and you can come home, where you belong. Oui?”

I use the sleeves of his hoodie to wipe my eyes, steeling my spine and hardening all the flawed soft in me, “Oui, mama. I’ll be there.”

“My dear,” Gigi says when I re-enter the kitchen. Bodies have filled the empty seats at the table and she’s busying herself at the stove, “I didn’t know you were awake—I suppose that means all we’re waiting on is Abram and Kayla.”

“Karli,” she corrects, walking into the kitchen and sitting next to Nyx, Abram trails behind her.

“My apologies, I tend not to remember those who aren’t permanent.”

“Gigi,” Sienna bites back through clenched teeth, she offers an apologetic smile to Karli who shrugs it off.

I take her in—even after having slept all night, she still looks perfect. Unkempt hair works and I can’t help but choke on the jealous that burns a hole through me. “It’s alright,” she says, “After last night I think I might want to become permanent. If that’s all right with you, Gigi.”

If she hears her—she says nothing. The little act of defiance makes me want to hug her.

“We should do something together today,” Jason says to Abram. “Sienna’s already got plans, but she said Karli didn’t. If you were interested?” He looks at her and she nods, biting into her toast. “What do you think?” He asks looking over at me.

I stare down at my empty plate, full up on cynicism and longing I shake my head, “I think I might go back and be with my mom for New Years.”

“You what?” Abram’s coffee nearly dribbles out of his mouth, he’s quick to recuperate and wipes at it with a napkin, “Why would you do that—I thought she turns off your cards?”

Shrugging, I pick apart the single piece of toast that I pulled onto my plate, just to give my hands something to do. “She offered to turn them back on if I went home. Besides, all the fried food and grease is making me sick.”

“Yeah,” Abram cuts in angrily, “That’s making you sick.”

An argument forms in my chest and I drop the pieces of toast, curling my hands into a fist, but before I can say anything there’s a knock on the door and when Gigi answers it, Anais walks in.

“How did you get past security?” I shoot up into a standing position, “This place is watched better than the president.”

Nonchalantly she shrugs, slips her coat off and drapes it over a chair, “Everyone has a price, bug. Can I talk to you?”

“I’d rather you didn’t.”

“Elise, please.”

♡ ♡ ♡  

“I know you’re angry with me. But I want you to listen.”

I snort, crossing my arms over my chest and staring out into Gigi’s well kept lawn. “I’d rather not hear the story of how you ended my parent’s marriage.”

Anais laughs, “If only it were that simple, darling. Your father and I—we had never done anything while he was married to your mother. We didn’t want to—we couldn’t hurt her,” she plays with the rings on her fingers, “I fell in love with Simon when I was seventeen and for years I remember chasing lovers I thought would satisfy me just enough to survive. I thought that maybe if I could force myself to be happy that…”

“Eventually you’ll be happy.”

She nods, a sad smile weighing her lips down, “Fake it ‘til you make it—but it never happened. I filled myself to the brim with boys and girls and money but there was always a hole. And your mother—god, Cerise was furious when I told her I loved him. She told me she would do everything in her power to make sure I never got him.” Anais’ body shakes with a sob, “We stopped talking for years after the divorce. It was part of the agreement. Simon was to stay away from everything that belonged to Cerise—her money, her sister, her daughter. If he did that Cerise promised she wouldn’t go to the press and damn his reputation to Hell.”

“And she lied.”

“Of course she lied. Your mother lies like breathing. I don’t want you to think that I’m doing this to be spiteful—I spent years living with a broken heart because it was the one thing Cerise could control me with. If you want me to stop, I will. For you I would do anything.”

My nails dig into the palms of my hands, “Does he make you happy?”

“God, Elise,” Anais wipes at her eyes, “More than anything in this world.”

Slowly I feel my neck moving and I release my hand from its torture to lean over and hug her, “Then I want you to be happy.”

♡ ♡ ♡  

Confession: there’s a bullet wound in my chest that is the shape of his mouth.

I stare into the mirror—the girl has disappeared and in her place a ghost. She answers to my name, kisses with my mouth and devastates with my hands. I look at the reflection and no longer see a person, but a problem.

Abram said I ran from all my problems. Unfortunately, the biggest one I couldn’t.

I fall to my knees, pray to the only God that I worship to. I empty myself until I’m full. I throw up until I’m a heaving mess, and try as I might I still can’t get my fickle heart out of my body. Standing, I wash my mouth and as I’m leaving I stumble, falling back onto the lid of the toilet with a loud thump.

“Elise?” Abram enters the bathroom without a knock but I have no energy to yell at him. “What’s wrong are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I snap, “I just felt a little faint. I’m fine let me get up—,”

“No, stay. I’m going to get Gigi.”

I grab his hand before he can leave and dig my fingers in, “Don’t. Please, Abram. It’s not a big deal; I guess I accidentally skipped lunch. I’ll be fine honestly.” My chest heaves with labored breathing and the room hasn’t stopped spinning.

“I can get you some food?”

“I’m not hungry. I’ll eat at dinner.”

Jason peaks into the semi-open door, “What’s wrong?” he opens it wider, “Elise are you okay?” He pushes past Abram to kneel beside me.

“I just told Abram I’m fine, I think I’m coming down with something, that’s all.”

“You are not getting on that plane. You are not going to your mother’s.” Abram says, voice hard and final. Jason glances back at him, eyebrows coming together, “Not if you’re this sick.” He adds, recovering himself, eyes flickering down to Jason who absently nods.

When I have the energy, I leave the bathroom and despite his protests, I tell Jason he should go meet up with friends, that I’ll be fine alone.  He tries to argue, even going so far as to start texting his friends, but Abram assures him that he’ll stay behind, that he can meet up with Karli tomorrow if he wants.

“Eat.” Abram passes me a plate with half a sandwich on it. Sitting beside me, he starts eating the other half, “It’s only half. I wasn’t going to make you eat a whole thing—but you have to eat something.”

My hand doesn’t want to move, calculating each calorie that’s in front of me. Fear cements itself in my gut and I find myself getting nauseous again. He doesn’t take his eyes off me until I lift it to my mouth and take a bite. Then another. Then another. Half the sandwich is gone when I find my voice.

“You don’t have to babysit me; I’m not going to keel over while you’re off doing God knows what with your new girlfriend.”

[muchmorethanmachines]

Anais + 10. Pirate

Hello MTV Cribs || @dangerouslyloyal || Still Accepting

So - with this - I am imagining costume party more than actual genuine pirate - because - well it just works better in my head.

A silk shirt - more silver than white - loose fitting with ruffles and tight cuffs - short shorts, black and possibly denim - not so short that her ass cheeks are hanging out but certainly not church wear. Fence net tights - also black - and knee high, high heeled boots. She’d likely accessorise with a plastic sword, large gold hooped earrings, a red bandana - and, a traditional glass of rum and coke, of course.

[muchmorethanmachines]

‘ this is your favorite, right? ’ (Alastair @ Anais?)

Love Meme || @dangerouslyloyal || Still Accepting

She’d known it was coming - seen the signs, recognised them - and ignored them, refusing to heed them. And now her world was sliding sideways - the ground beneath her feet not so much slippery as it was almost vertical - but she’d isolated herself, purposefully and as the panic starts to set in and she starts to scramble, desperate to claw her way up from the gaping maw opening below, dragging her down into its mire - there’s no one to help.

A voice interrupts her spiral and she blinks at the android stood before her, holding a tub of ice cream out.

It’s not like choc-fulla-cherries is going to provide mental stability with each spoonful - but the offer behind it is a beacon of hope. “Uh, yeah… How’d you know?” She asks, staring up at Al. This isn’t what he’s programmed for at all, at least, she doesn’t imagine that he is.

[muchmorethanmachines]

♀

Textify || @gcdmode || Still Accepting || Send “♀” for a HEARTBREAKING text. 

Her reply comes through an hour later, without the customary emojis, devoid of chatspeak. Entirely formal and completely unlike her.

[Text → Mr Kamski] It’s very nice of you to invite me, Mr Kamski. But reshoots finished last week and I’m not sure that it’s the best idea - I’ve got a lot going on right now. Working with you was an honour and a privilege, and I’d like to thank you again for the opportunity... I felt like there may have been some tension in the beginning but it was an experience I’ll never forget all the same. Perhaps I’ll see you at the premiere? I wish you luck in the future Mr Kamski. 

[muchmorethanmachines]

Anais + 26. Loungewear

You can brush my hair and dress me everywhere || @dangerouslyloyal || Still Accepting

Anais is so frequently in the public eye - crafting, creating and maintaining an image - whether she is literally performing on a stage or just performing as a public figure that when it comes to getting her slouch on - she REALLY gets her slouch on.

Booty shorts feature heavily - either because they’re part of her pyjamas - or because she just wears them. She’s also fond of yoga pants.

Some common combinations include booty shorts coupled with: knee high fuzzy socks and a logo tee shirt, an oversized hooded sweater that actually obscure the shorts (these are often appropriated from her bodyguards or handlers - rest assured she has bought Al multiple hooded sweatshirts, simply to ‘borrow’ them) usually for universities or gyms or similar, a tank top or just the matching pyjama camisole.