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obaewankenope · 8 years ago

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this is the autistic ask nonnie, if you just tag it with "autism" or smth I should be able to find it. thank you!

Hello you! I promised to give you references yesterday but chaos happened (so sorry, I’ll make up for it I promise) and so I’m a day late! But all is not lost!! Here, be prepared for the influx of resources and such to help you out :))

Note: We are avoiding any and all links to AutismSpeaks since it is bad and evil and wants to cure a perfectly natural condition and keeps coding anyone who is Autistic as some inept monster-child and it’s so ablest that fire (and bitter hate) is my go-to solution for them rn.

Additional Note: Most of the things you find online about Autistic are written from a poor-parent’s perspective and often focus on the negatives of ASD and then hyping up ‘treatments’ to make your child “better” and help “improve” them. It’s all icky and wrong and while I personally feel that some aspects of ABA could be potentially beneficial, the way in which it is generally applied is horrible and so ablest it fucking hurts.

Right. Let’s set off shall we!

1. What is Autism?

In a sentence? Autism is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects how ASD individuals see the world and interact with it.

Note: ‘Neurodevelopmental’ is a fancy way of saying, how the nervous system of the brain develops. People with Autism and other neurodevelopmental disorders are known to have a-typical rather than neuro-typical (i.e. someone who doesn’t have Autism etc).

2. What are the Symptoms of Autism?

Well apart from making it sound like Autism is a disease - which really? rude - the signs of Autism can vary depending on a lot of socio-cultural factors (as can a lot of disorders tbh) but there are some that tend to be consistent across the board.

Autistic children always show signs of at least two of the following:

Issues with social interaction

Limited verbal and nonverbal communication

Repetitive behaviors or interests

Note: I myself showed issues with 1 and 3 at an early age, with 2 becoming more pronounced from a shiteload of traumatic experiences I’m still working through at the age of 23 :)

There are some signs of Autism that infants show between six months and two years which include:

infrequent eye contact

fixation on objects

no babbling or gesturing by 12 months

no single words by 16 months

no spontaneous two-word phrases by 24 months.

The NHS website has a good summary of the behaviours common to Autism in children which I’ll sort of paraphrase here (I do recommend you read through it and perhaps speak with older siblings/family who may be able to provide you with anecdotal evidence of you doing similar things yourself; this can often help build the groundwork for a formal diagnosis):

Children may have issues with using non-verbal, non-explicit behaviour when interacting with other children; e.g. playing games may become additionally difficult if they rely on eye contact or gestures

Eye contact is limited or non-existent or it is prolonged and often uncomfortable for the person being stared at

Isolation is a very real thing with ASD children who may shun the attention of children their own age, playing with younger or older children, or seeking out things they can do alone

Empathy is affected by ASD (in the book The Science of Evil, Simon Baron-Cohen points out that there’s two types of empathy and ASD individuals tend to lack the cognitive empathy of understanding and imagining other people’s feelings, but don’t lack the affective empathy which can drive them to becoming upset or highly emotional when someone is injured) and this makes understanding people’s emotions and feelings really frickin hard. The challenge here is neurotypical people don’t have the issues with communication that ASD people do and so get an instinctive, innate set of rules to guide them in communicating and empathising with other people while we... don’t. Hence why ABA is usually mentioned as being useful for ASD people in order to ‘correct’ this (hiss-hiss, bad logic here, stop trying to fix and instead provide new tools for us hiss-hiss)

Repetition is a thing and people will hate us for it. Words, gestures, expressions, all of it. They may all be repeated constantly for days, hours, weeks, months, by ASD children. Some don’t do the ‘pretend play’ most children do, others repeat the same pretend play over over

Change is evil and it’s hard as heck for ASD children to adapt to when it’s random and unexpected. Stimming behaviour or meltdowns aren’t uncommon at this point - flapping hands, covering ears and screaming/crying - because there has been a rapid change in the environment or structure and our tiny ASD brains do not like the change and want the order and routine we’ve come to identify and enjoy because order is relaxing.

3. Am I Autistic?

Honestly, best answer I can give to anyone besides the shrug emoji a half-dozen times (seriously, I will do this to ya’ll) is I don’t know.

Being Autistic isn’t so much a “one day I woke up and suddenly I was Autistic” like it can be with depression. It’s more of a “one day I woke up and realised, ‘hey maybe I’m Autistic because X, Y, and Z’”.

Note: There are some cases of people experiencing brain injuries and becoming Autistic but that’s more as a result of their brain going “shit shit shit, must redirect current to new pathways, shit shit shit” and less a natural, biological or genetic predisposition towards the disorder.

Additional Note: I really hate the word ‘disorder’ and want to slap myself every time I use it, but I digress.

4. How do I go about getting a Formal Diagnosis?

I got diagnosed purely by chance if I’m honest. As a child my mother took me to our local GP who said I was “two years advanced” and that was that until I hit 15, ended up in counselling and was self-harming regularly because hey-ho near-death experiences are really traumatic, who knew! My diagnosis then wasn’t regular or uniform, even though my elder brother is Autistic as well as there’s actual research suggesting a genetic heritability for ASD in siblings of Autistic individuals and their parents but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Anyway. Moving on!

In the UK, most of the time you can just go to your local GP and say “hey I think I’m Autistic, can you refer me to a specialist on this?” and, while they might argue or try and quiz you themselves about it, they don’t really have the right to refuse you (though they can and often do... assholes).

If you’re in school, or have someone you think is Autistic in education at present, you can go through the school to get a referral. Sometimes this can be quicker/easier or can help kick your GP’s ass into gear and get the ball rolling.

One of the things that exist in the UK is a Speech and Language Therapist. I’ve seen these guys twice in my short life - once when I knocked out my two front teeth like a champ and couldn’t talk properly for ages (I was a stupid child), and the second time when I was mentally messed up and they went “huh, think she’s Autistic ya know” and things rolled from there. In my experience, they’re pretty good and the tests they give you are also pretty decent.

You’re measured on emotional intelligence, watched for how you speak, expressions, if you include people in conversations, how much you talk, if you allow other people to join in or if you monologue and other things. You’ll get asked about your interests and if you ramble for twenty minutes or sth, chances are they’ll be ticking a box labelled “shows intense interests in specific topics” and you’ll have another mark in your Autism checklist.

5. Okay, so I didn’t read any of this, give me the low-down?

Autism is an disorder that affects social skills and usually involves lots of repetitive behaviour.

It’s diagnosed by a medical professional with experience of the disorder.

I only know how the UK goes about with diagnosing it but logic says America needs to work somewhat similarly.

If you think you have Autism, chances are you do, and you’ve had it for a long time and been coping without realising.

AutismSpeaks is evil and needs to go die in a fire.

That is all :)

#Autism #Autism Ask Nonnie #Nonnie Talk #info #psychology #Nonnie #Kat Talks

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mem-en-to · 4 years ago

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I just have to post this somewhere. If you do read it please don't reply or anything to alert me that you do. I just have to assure myself of my existence. If you do I might just can't stand it.

It's getting worse

I don't know if this will be a one time thing or what

It might be the stress of starting the second week of university

or that I fucked up the dorm's microwave 3 days ago and still feel guilty and stress (since then I've been making so many mistake I drop the alcohol bottle(broke it), drop a glass of water(luckily it's a plastic glass), spilled the milk on the desk, spilled the smoothie next to the fridge, dropped the clean towel on the balcony(result in having to wash it), tripped and drop some clean cottonbuds(such a waste!), tripped on the way to the bathroom at 2 am and woke the neighbors up on a schoolday)

or even home sick from being away for a week now

or because I was staying inside after graduated and then the covid situation that make me(I chose)stay inside the house for more than 3 months straight(well, I did go outside like once every other week or sth, but I would always go with someone, mom or dad)

I've been dreading going outside since yesterday

I estimated how many food I have left and feel bad(no not bad as in guilty) about having to go out and buy more

I even considered skip some meals and ration what I have left so I could put away going out for even just 1 more day

And I did, I skip breakfast and ration the food

I ate a bit less so I could scrap all the left over for just one more meal

The thought of going outside turned my stomach and I feel tight in my chest

it made me feel.. disgust and a bit of fear? มวนท้อง แหยง�� อึดอัดตรงหน้าอก

I'm not sure how to describe it how or why

I don't think its talking to people that make me feel this way

I think its just go outside in general? being seen maybe?

I normally would dread going outside for a bit but have no problem in doing it

I would just need some times to come to realisation that I have to(or about to)go outside

Like, if mom just ask me inthe morning if I want to go out this afternoon. My answer is NO. There's no bargaining, except if it is ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT.

But If she asked me, do you want to come with me tmr? That'll be fine, I might say yes(but I say no more often)

I would have a kind of panic-y thougt and feeling a bit scared before actually going out, like while I was preparing(dress, grab things stuff like that) that is normal

Today it took me almost half an hour after I'm ready to gather courage and actually step out of my room

In that 30 minutes I kept checking again and again of what I have to buy and did I have my all things?(phone checked. wallet checked. mask checked. etc) What about my clothes?(check the mirror) Did I brushed my hair?(proceed to brush it the 4th time)

All the while I also pacing and kept on checking the window for the restaurant near mydorm

It's to see if there're many customers, if there are I would wait a bit more because I don't want to stand around waiting and making awkward glance, an awkward conversation would be better come to think of it.

There. It's not the talking that I'm scared of.

After I got outside I would feel.. tense? anxious? or maybe paranoid or something of that nature I'm not sure

But the feeling would go away soon, often around the time I reach my destination or when I'm doing my task(like choosing btw different brand of groceries or the like)

It's still good, this time

The feeling went away as I was walking around the shop but come back as soon as I got in line, paid and walking out of the shop, which is fine that's also normal

I also have to stop at the restaurant on the next block, I decided to eat there and have a take away for dinner

I chose to eat there because that would mean less plastic you know? doing what I can to help with global warming

Even though the thought of sitting there was a bit.. sick It was fine while I was eating

Because I was doing my task(things)?

But the moment I turned away with a bag of food and my groceries in hand the feeling started to crawl up my spine and tried to curl up in my stomach again

But It's okay I didn't let it

My dorm was right there I could see it

Only a bit further and I'll be safe inside my dorm

But Nooooo

The feeling cling to me

I push it down and didn't let it settle in

My heart was still thudding in my chest even after I got inside my room

I put my things away. stored the food. changed clothes while checking if I breathed normally or not(I did, breated normally I mean or at least I think I did, despite what most people think some of us do research about thingss like this even if or when we haven't been diagnosed as having something plus I did hyperventilated/had panic attacked before or, I think it was)

But after that my heart still wouldn't return to normal and my head is a bit light and spinny still(At first I thought it was the 3 flight of stairs I have to climb but it should have gone by now, I know, not an athletic person)

That was when I realise that there something different, something wrong this time

The nagging feeling I have had since I walked outside is this

I'm more worried and scared this time

There is something wrong

I don't know what to do so I typed this down

Normally It would help make me feel better

And It did, my heart stop beating fast and weird halfway through this

Like my other notes I didn't care much about the grammar or whatever, after all the purpose is to make myself feel better

All right a bit more on this notes

After I finished this I wnt and google 'scared of going outside'

I don't think it agoraphobia or sad that I have although I do have some of the symptomps. I mean I might have one of it but from what I read I don't exactly match with some of both, I'm not scared of crowd(sad) in fact being in crowds make me feel better, the more people the better cuz that mean the less would be looking at me

And I'm not scared of open space(agora) I'm okay with parking lots and I'm not scared of being left alone(agora)

Being with some one I trust would definitely help(contradict with sad but agree with agora)

I'm not scared of public place(sad), Library is one of my sanctuary once I settled in on the new one that's it, Everyone is minding their own business, I could tuck myself btw some old textbook shelves no one would come search and read in silent, peace. Or I could go to the working space, sit on the sofa or choose one of the table and no one would care even if I have 3 thick books with me and sit there for 3 hours straight. I could even strike up some friendly and relatively non-awkward conversation with the librarian on the counter when I checked out some books, there, social requirement of the day complete. Those days that I could do this is so peaceful, I was happy.

Sadly, I had gone to Uni library only once and checked out a book, I still feel a bit uncomfortable to go there, but the feeling of contenment when I get inside would be worth it. Just. Not today. Or tmr, we got a day off for mother day and I might go home with my siblings and come back to next week on Monday or sth. (We have classes online bc of covid)

And after the mini research I feel a dizzy spell hit me

It left me reeling for a few mins before I returned normal

It could be because i stand up too fast or it could be the information in my head that's there something wrong

I don't want to have it, sad, agora or whatever

My self confident/self esttem is shit enough

I can't satnd it if i know there sth more wrong with me

I can't be more of a burden to my parents

I want to make them proud I have to

I choose this path and I know they don't hate it, they even support me on choosing to study art instead of the cliche doctor or engineer(which I hate but is my dad's life I feel so fucking bad I should have like it, I should be better at it and follow his footsteps, but I already made my choice, sometimes I regret it but even if I could go back I wouldn't change it, I can't At least I probably could be a teacher like him, teach younger people, support them I love him, and I hate him I love that he isn't just a good father, he's a good person, a good friend, a good teacher, a good brother, a good son, he's so great I don't deserved him, not me, not my mom, not my brother, not his parents, not his siblings, not that univerity And I hate him, he's always at work when I was younger, came home at 8or9 almost everyday but I also love him because despite that he still tried to make some time for us I hate him because when he started to have less works and came home earlier it's when me and my brother are growing up wanting to stay out and spend time with our friends(I hate myself) I hate him because he's so great, has been since he's young, he's so intelligent and diligent he studied hard and he got scholarship in uni to US And that was 40 years ago how impressive is that? And after he came back with straight A every uni want him but he choose that Uni because they supported him when he needed it and he chose to stay instead of go to better uni purely bacause he's a good person he feels grateful and want to repay the uni, which has shit government I hate it I hate them, there's a few years he's so stress because he has to go to the court several times on several cases and could go to jail because of those peice of shits I fucking hate them If he choose to change uni our lifes would be different I wouldn't grow up there, I wouldn't have friends that I have, I wouldn't be the person I am today and I can't blame him for choosing this. I hate him because no matter what or how much I tried I couldn't achieve half of what he has done and still doing(I hate myself I'm a disappointment) I could have gotten A or at least B+ if I studied more on math, science and sociology, but I didn't. I could have beautiful skin and thin figure if I take care of myself more, exercise more, but I didn't. I could have spend less money on books and those trinkets and save a lot of money, but I didn't, I could have make more friends and get in with the better connection and reputation clique if I conceal some part of myself and pretend a bit more, but I didn't. I could have better resume if I'm brave enough to participate in those tournament and those candidates for manythings, but I didn't. I could have been a better person, a better friend, a better student, a better daughter, but I wasn't[I couldn't be] I hate myself I don't matter I'm a disappointment)

I fucking hate crying, It never help with anything except wasting evenmore time and make my head hurt make my throat hurt of how I hold my noise in and make my eyes hurt and everything's blurry and wet.

I just broke down and typed those long ass paragraph with tears for an hour straigh. such a waste of time I should have done some exercise instead. And now I feel like shit. I know I could still do it but I also know that I won't. I would save this note, re-read it again and again maybe add sth along the way and when it's getting late I would jusst take a shower and goto bed.

At least I've lost my appetite, no dinner mean less calories I take today, skipped breakfast AND dinner? At least that compensate for today exercise(maybe) But I also know that garigarikun in the freeze will disappear into my stomach before bed. I'm such a little shit. I'm ashame of myself.

you know what I could waste a bit more time. Typing this some how remind me of the time I have an argument with my parents in highschool(or was it middle school? the memory's fuzzy)and I had panic attack or at least hyperveintilated afterward. I can't remember exactly what started the argument but I remembered that that day I was having a bad day(worse than normal) the bullying that day was worse I don't know how I acted I just remembered yelling at my father who's stress from long day at work and the court problem, we were yelling(or at least I am) and I did what I usually do. I ran, to the bedroom. I don't(never)want to have a fight with my family. He didn't follow me this time. My mom did. She came talk to me, half soothing half scolding. Saying I shouldn't have yell, I was hurting him by behave like this and after he's tired from work too. She's basically tried to make amend. But in my head at the time she was calling out on my bullshit. Saying I'm being unreasonable. I know that some of what she said is true and I don't want to fight so I tried talking, I said something like you don't understand me, And I tried using some difficult words and lines that could be seen in dramas and such to make her understand. I poured my heart out I even consider revealing the real extent of the bullying. But you know what she said? She said I read too many fictions and watch too many movies and I'm being too emotional I should stop this nonsense right now. I still could recall the feeling when she finished and it get in my head. It's not the ice bucket being pour over me. It's not the fire of rage running through my viens. It's not an arrow straight through my heart, a stab at the chest, or a feeling crawl up myspine. It's blank. blank. blank. blank, blank,blank,blank,blank,blakn,blank,blank, I feel so, so empty. It's just how I used my words, how I tried to make her understand. And this is what I got? I remembered stop talking and stuffed my face on a pillow. She's speaking a few more things but I didn't listen. I couldn't. I was breathing so hard but I think she think i was crying so she patted my back and left. I was old enough to know that's something's wrong I wasn't breating normally even for someone who's crying but at the time I still didn't know what panic attack/hyperveintilated is. I just know there's sth wrong, but I ignore it, I was hurt. I was in pain my chest is so tight(at the time I thought it's because of the pain I was feeling later I learned that it's the combination of that and the pa/h I was having) My thought kept circling around the words she said, I'm being dramatic and such. At least after that I don't want to argue anymore. I came back to myself and got out of the room, more than half an hour later. (Times didn't only flies when you're having a good time huh?, I remembered thinking that)

I think the being emotional/dramatic bit really got me. I can't help it. it's how I'm expressing myself. So what if it looking I was writing some fiction/ fake the words to make it mmore dramatic? That's how I feel.

A breakdown and an empty moment recalling in a day? that's a new record. Normally It would be one at a time and not this soon after one another. Guess I'm really stressed out. I even consider calling some emergencies depression lines but after reading some review saying it's shit I decided not to. I would be in the way of those who really do need it(I'm such a failure) and I'm not good at talking anyways, just look at how tragic it turned out to be each time I do.

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