#If I see what i percieve as ‘weird’ stuff on my foods I stop eating it cuz I’m worried it might make me sick or diseased

[tabbytiger]

Having the profound realization that, yes, I am indeed psychotic. I also have adhd so they are holding hands. Think I’ve been in a psychotic episode since the last months of 2023 and I’m just now realizing it. 😭 I wrote it off as just my paranoid anxiety but like gorly those are symptoms of Psychosis.

Umm anyways who wants to perform a ritual to rid me of this ailment.

[amnesiac-mc]

🍑 1) Hi!! I saw matchups were open and had to send one in. Could I get one for obey me! I come across quite intimidating and snarky when you first meet me but really I'm just awkward and don't know how to start convos. I hide a lot of my interests from those around me, mostly because I feel like people won't like them as much as me, or that the people around me will think that the things I like are weird. That being said I like to watch anime casually and enjoy playing video games.

🍑 2) I've played bass guitar and had vocal lessons for 3 years and I've had guitar lessons for 1, I also am a skilled cook. I used to be a really big book nerd, but after I grew up and got a phone I've stopped reading so much. I feel like the best way to describe me is that I like to drink black coffee to feel and look cool but have to put 5 sugars.

🍑 3) I'm very distant with most people close to me but still very protective of them. With those I'm closest with I like to have heaps of affection and convos about just random stuff that comes to my head, as well as doing the half baked plans that spring to my mind, most involving either dangerous but fun things, or making money. I really like lazing around but also enjoy a healthy dose of  mischief. I've been told I'm really smart but I'm quite oblivious and almost nieve about some stuff.

🍑 4) I'm a very independent person but I also forget to do stuff a lot (like showering or taking my iron pills). I also live in australia!! So i have an Aussie accent and swear. I'm 5'7 and I'm also a bit chubby, I'm Spanish so I have slightly olive tinted skin that is a bit darker then the Aussies around me. I have really curly hair too! And no one has ever been able to agree on my eye colour- so e people say its brown, others say they're green or blue, one person even said they're yellow.

🍑 5) I've been told a bunch of times that they're very interesting. I'm really sleep deprived all the time because I'm usually up scrolling the internet or eating snacks. I'm not used to people doting or being protective of me but i like the idea of it. I also struggle with social anxiety and depression, but I'm on the road of unpacking the trauma I went through and working through those illnesses. Thank you and have an awesome day!!! Also sorry for sending so many asks, I got a carried away

Thank you for sending! And don't worry for the number of asks, That way I can write a more accurate matchup x3

I ship you with...Satan!

I had a lot of doubts with this matchup. I was thinking Barbatos, because I feel he would be very respectful and supporting of what you like (also, cook couple pls), and he would give you a lot of space. However, I feel Satan is a better option, because he is less cold than Barbatos.

—Satan is independent, just like you. He needs some attention, but not as much as other characters. I feel you both would work up very well in that aspect. You would get as much space as you want, and still notice how much he cares about you.  

—He is no Beel, of course, but he knows how to appreciate a good dish. Satan would enjoy a lot your food. Maybe he would be hesitant to ask you to cook for him, but in the end he wouldn’t resist it. You want him to also prepare a meal for you? He can try but the poor man wouldn’t be too excited, due to the posibility of disappointing you. However, if you wanted to cook together, Satan would be all for it because he trusts you to guide him.

—Satan is very responsible, so he would be there to remind you of the things you need to do, specially if they concern your health. Satan would understand that you stay awake at night: he does it usually, in fact, but at the end he would feel too worried and beg you to get more sleep. As an exchange, he would also learn better habits.

—Even if you aren't that keen on reading anymore, Satan likes all types of arts, so the fact that you have learnt to play the guitar and to sing would be very appealing to him. I headcanon that he can also play an instrument, the piano or the violin: maybe you both could do a duet. 

—I believe Satan also watches anime sometimes, when he doesn't have anything to do and because of Levi’s recommendations. He is not very invested, but if you proposed him to watch some with you, he would gladly accept. About videogames, he almost never plays. You could try to insert him to the world with story-driven videogames like visual novels or RPGs, but he would also enjoy games like Mario Kart (a.k.a Devil Kart) or Smash, where he can tease you a little (and vice versa)

—He would be very supporting with your struggles. Satan is an introverted, so in part he would understand your social anxiety. This man is also good handling people (minus Lucy), so he could help you managing a situation or giving advice. From the brothers, he is the most rational and very good at reading people: he would be able to see when you aren’t feeling well and try to comfort you. If you wanted, you could open up and tell him how you feel or anything you need. 

—I believe Satan would be either the type to percieve your eyes as an specific colour and being bothered with people if they say other colour “How can you say they are green? Don’t you see they are blue??” or the type to give a very detailed description of the color and say “It’s normal if you didn’t know it, I looked at them more than anyone”.

I hope you like it!

[omories]

i know i haven't posted in a hot minute.

i accidentlly got overemotional when my mom insisted that i eat the other day, and after that she's been on me constantly making sure i eat three meals. which isn't even fucking healthy considering she buys us mcdonalds every other day and keeps making incredibly rich foods for other meals. i've been on a s/h kick because of it since it reminds me i have such little control in my life. i never really expected to post s/h stuff on this blog because when i started this i was actually over a year clean. but lo and behold i'm relapsing worse than i ever have even in middle school. and i'm so fucking embarrassed about it because i'm about to turn 20, and cutting is such a stereotypically teenage habit. but my thoughts lately are 50% occupied with my brain begging me to cut and 50% occupied with my brain telling me i look disgusting and will never be loved. it's kind of funny considering even though i feel a weird joy when i see the aftermath from s/h i'm also filled with a panic and misery that nobody will ever love me because of the scars. anyway i got put on bupropion last week because i spent multiple weeks miserable in bed and decided that enough was fucking enough. i'm not experiencing the whole ~appetite suppressant~ side effects unfortunately but it did make my tinnitus worse :). also also also! because i was so bad at self care for the past month, my new piercings got infected and i had to take them out and they've healed over now :)). everything's been so shit because of my own self sabotage that i was planning out my suicide again with full intention of going through with it, until i overheard a phone conversation my mom was having with a relative that reminded me how bad the aftermath would be. i usually don't think about it because what do i fucking care, i'll be dead, but i was forced to acknowledge it for just a moment which made me decide it wasn't worth it. i still can't decide if that's a good thing or not.

whatever whatever fuck around and find out i guess. uhhh what else. my sister came home today which is yayy friend and noooo fuck noooo please fuck off please. i know that the only reason she ate one meal a day when she was away from home was literally because she couldn't fucking afford food, but i can't help feeling insanely fucking jealous because boo hoo i live with my mother who constantly feeds me. also terrified she'll somehow figure out i've been cutting again because it'll be hard to hide since we literally share a bedroom.

honestly i don't care to change the whole sh thing and ed thing and constant suicidality thing because they don't make me look visibly dysfunctional to the public, since they're hidden. but i do care about having the energy to take care of myself and to get out of bed and complete tasks and just stop being cripplingly depressed. i want people to look at me and think i have myself together. is that fucked up? i only care about the way other people percieve me, how i see myself doesn't really matter because i'm delusional anyway. fuck. i don't know if this is even true. i never know if anything i feel is true. i'm faking everything all the time constantly and lying to everyone. ugh. ugh ugh ugh i wish i could just get in a fucking fatal accident or murder of some sort so that nobody will have to devastate themselves thinking about what they did wrong with me. i think what i'd like the most is to be cut open slowly and made to bleed out to death. i just want it to hurt. murder isn't that common, maybe a car accident where my limbs get torn off but the paramedics don't get there for ages. i want it to be slow and painful. it's what i deserve for ruining my own fucking life. i don't know. i don't even know what i'm saying. i'm gonna go study. i'm gonna try to be functional. if my medication can curb my depression maybe next year i'll see a psychologist and find out if i'm as fucked up as i feel.

[moravectransfer]

Kara no Kyōkai Movie 1 reaction

Thoughts as I watched Movie 1: You know if someone doesn't like icecream there are other cold foods you can buy them rather than just assuming they'll like ice cream when it's really cold. Goddammit man, pick a flavor you think she likes rather than being cute and trying to colour code it. Independent girl don't need no flattery ice cream. I'm with her - it's annoying when people try to get you to eat stuff without knowing your tastes. And here we have the scene I was shown in advance I think I lack the context I require to actually enjoy this insect motif abstract opening thing. It'll probably make sense once I watch more. Girl's apparent is bare to an unsettling degree. Like if you had a laptop or something it'd look a lot more natural. Just water in the fringe? I guess she *could* eat out but they're probably implying she's kind of boring in this regard (though the reason for this remains to be seen). Wait, or are they implying that the water around here is impure or seems impure to her. Otherwise why not just get 2 or three glass bottles and refill them for cold water - it's what I do. Girl seems to notice something and leaves without checking messages. Is this setting up that missed message as important, something that could have saved her life or something. Or is she the victim of harrassment or something and already knows what the message probably is? A spate of suicides? Sounds like a Witch! I like this girl in a white coat with glasses sipping coffee. Sounds like something like a witch is in play if none of these girls wanted to die. Mind control? Why is it targetting school girls? Is this Mikiya person, how to put it politely, neurotypical? Is there a reason white coat lady is speaking for him while he just stares forward blankly? Is that why, after making the insight he's makes the rather silly followup statement which doesn't seem like a joke. Or is that a joke? I sometimes have trouble reading emotions when consuming subtitled media. I end up just reading the words and ignoring the tone. When is he coming back to us? Sounds like there is something off with him. Is he like spirit walking and literally not in his body? Or is it some kind of neurological condition? The police car has its lights on. Another suicide? Dog trailing blood. Yep, another suicide. (Or one of the existing ones. I've been informed this thing isn't necesssarily chronological). What on earth are those things in front of the moon. Wraiths? Presumably whatever they are they're the cause of the suicides or maybe that's just what it wants me to think (eg they're attracted to death but don't cause it) Aww, white coat lady is a smoker. That's unfortunate. Unless you have robo-lungs like Adam Jensen you should try and quit. So 8 wraiths = 8 dead girls? That seems oddly specific. Why would each of them only cause 1 death. Unlesssss this is the non-chronological thing and the girl sees the future. Those are ghosts and they didn't cause the suicides. She's seeing there will eventually be 8 victims in ghost form. Ok we've gotten some exposition about time being weird at the tower. Records being formed at a slower rate or something? How does that work? Exposition on what people feel as they look out before they jump. I'm not entirely sure I understand it. Is this show seriously claiming that these girls are just being overwelmed by the immensity of the world they live in and collapsing over the edge? A view might be impressive but it's not the total perspective vortex. Anyone who has seen an optical illusion knows that perception does not equal reality but I can't help but worry they're going somewhere silly with this. People can't survive outside of their own little boxes? I think that's a very pessimistic view of the human psyche. Humans *don't* view the world accurately. We have a ton of cognitive biases. But, in general, I don't think we're going to keel over after percieving things slightly more accurately. So the girls might be related to Mikiya's condition or whatever? Wait, is Mikiya the guy who brought her icecream in the beginning? Hard to say. Also what's with all the TVs? I had assumed they were trying to set up some sort of science vibe but they haven't really done anything with it since then. Seeing the girl fall behind her was disturbing. I think we saw two different time periods here. Her approaching the building in the past with the suicide and then investigating in the present. Now she's walking the halls to a background of child laughter. Is this what they meant by records being slow? That the children have left but somehow a record of their presense will take longer to leave. Yep, definite confirmation of some kind of spirit manipulating people She's not going to do an Ash Williams and cut off the hand is she? Wait so she's got a puppet hand? Magical prosthesis? Or maybe it's just a puppet hand - have I seen that hand move before possession? And now we're talking about souls. This will probably be cringeworthy. Talking about soulless shells... is that Mikiya's problem, is his soul on walkabout? Looks like it's something like that So the message on her answering machine was the last one he left and she keeps it for the memory? That's what I think I'm gathering here. She's eating the icecream so the opening scene couldn't have occurred *that* long ago Ok so she can control the artificial arms. "Aren't you going to bring him back?" And what is this implying? She can bring back souls? She can bring back the dead? Why isn't she? Is there a cost? Or is she just a jerk who thinks he deserves it? More child laughter. She must be hunting one of those things. Will killing it give him his soul back? They're demons? Is she duty bound to kill demons for some reason or is it just because it's the right thing to do? For a second we see the demons with lines through them. Does she possess some ability to see where she needs to cut to kill them? She can fly now? Or at least glide? For a moment I was expecting a hard cut to her falling off the building and the reveal that this is actually what all of the victims see before killing themselves. So this is the one that controlled your hand earlier? So, what, she can't be mind controlled because she's a sociopath or something? It was a woman in a coma all along? Who's that at the door? Don't tell me it's the girl come to kill her real body too or something? Wait, is she conscious of what she was doing? I assumed not. Why would you do that? Is she a psychic or something? Ok it sounds more like a disease or something that occurs when she's asleep. This bit of music here reminds me a lot of Inevitabilis from Madoka So gaining that kind of psychic from makes you lose your vision for some reason? Two containers? The ghost body or whatever counts as a second container? Or is it something else? So what, she was trying to make the metaphorically fly like she was but they misunderstood and tried to actually fly? I think a lot of this movie's problems would have been solved by giving this girl a laptop rather than giving her nothing to do but stare blankly at the window. Please don't tell me that's actually realistic for Japan. So she's a full on death seeker now? I find her apprasal of different ways of dying to be rather creepy. The qualities you should be considering are 'is it quick' and 'is it painless'. So she committed suicide, that's how they resolved this? That's ... less than ideal. Did she *need* to die for him to wake up or was there some other way for her to release him? Was Touko trying to goad her into suicide? I hope not. Now they're talking about how flying and falling is inextricably linked how you can't fly under your own power, etc. I'm not sure but I think they might be trying to advance some philosophy of not reaching too far or something. I strongly disagree with this philosophy. Now we're talking about the ethics of suicide. I guess for my part I believe that everyone owns their own life and has the right to throw that away but in physically healthy individuals outside of horrifying circumstances (eg being trapped in a collapsed mine with no food or about to be captured by people who will torture you horribly) a desire for suicide rarely comes from a healthy place, mentally, and so should be considered with caution. Sounds like he's talking more about Martyrdom than suicide. Killing yourself to save all of Tokyo is an indulgence? That is beyond silly. Now he's talking about his dream which sounds like the intro. Erg, gender roles. Talk like you want girl. Credits, checking for after credit scene I see an energetic girl trying to peak over the crowd. That's the most personality I've seen from a character so far. There's no reason for suicide she says as she slowly kills herself.

So that was a thing. It honestly hasn't captured my attention so far. I'd probably stop watching here if I was just watching this alone on a whim. Not sure when I'll get to the next movie.

[not-tryin-2-have-a-debate]

part 2 poetic waxing

i keep getting really mad at my ex the second i realize i was thinking something thats not real

because to the best of my knowledge she read this blog and heard me talk about my expiriences for so long and then she,,,,completely misunderstood them and tried to replicate them in a way that doesnt. make sense. and isnt what this is. and im still hoenstly really offended by that because wow. and i just wanna say like. especially since this blog is pretty much entirely Unseen now

like

im still terrified to recognize myself as psychotic

i dont want to be psychotic

im afraid to talk about it with my doctor or even touch on the symptoms and eps of it and im terrified to get put on pills for it and its a shit show

i think with the people im closest to i try to normalize the idea of being that way with myself

and i pretend the idea of being psychotic doesnt terrify me and say it freely because its not going away and im scared and i need to learn to not be so scared if im going to deal with it in any capacity i need to be able to recognize it

it was a long process.

i didnt start being that way overnight and i didnt recognize it until way after it started

and its not just 1 thing

to me the embodiment of it and the whole problem is that youre just constantly trying to figure out whats real and whats going on like your being hit on all sides

id describe my perception of and ability to perceive reality as a wall thats always being eroded down but can also have parts break off or have holes blown in it at any second...and im constantly trying to build the wall back up and reinforce it and repair it. but i usually dont have a fully formed wall and even if i got there id only be able to maintain it for so long until half of it got blown up again. etc etc wall metaphor if i leave it itll just fuckin collapse entirely

but yeah yknow like.

a delusion isnt just ‘when you think something that isn’t real.’

and like not to dip a bit too much into tumblr vocab and context or whatever but like,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the way Neurotypicals take symptom descriptions at total face value is...tiring. idk how else to describe it. theres so much context missing.

these symptoms for me started up when i was a kid and got worse.

it was because i have so much family history with this shit that i finally noticed it and compared and recognized the beginning to get worse problem

because ive seen it in my brother and my uncle and my grandma and my family for years and i know it up close and personally

i dont just have some kind of kooky thoughts that i recognize arent real while im having them. my ability to do that at all came with practice and time and repitition.

i dont know when im not dreaming.i see and feel things that arent there.

i think thoughts that i cant recognize as mine and are usually a bunch of nonsense word salad shit.

i have real prolonged trouble recognizing myself as a human being thats physical and has human limits.

i have toruble percieving the present. i have trouble remembering the past.

i constantly really for real feel like ive seen this before.

every time i have deja vu i like have a whoel fuckign Moment lmao

i assume people think the worst of me and want to hurt me.

i assume the end of the world is happening out of nowhere and i really think its happening.

i think God is trying to punish me.

I think spirits are coming after me.

I really believe it.

I spend my day crying and panicking and hiding from shit that isnt real.

i convince myself my whole life is some kind of divine punishment.

its on top of that and

its after years of that

and years of seeing family members older than me and farther into it than me degrading at the same time

that i think some dumb shit and immediately catch myself

or that i think im getting psychic messages and can immediately be like ‘ok calm down’

its because im trying to convince myself im NOT like a psychic prophet and ive been able to recognize it before that i can see a message for what it is and recognize what im doing

its bc ive corroborated the expirience with my brother after doing it for years and years already

i didnt wake up one day and start thinking i was a prophet but also recognizing thats crazy yknow

i thought i was a prophet and then as i grew up i started realizing that it was crazy because i found resources and saw what my family was going through and got so sick of the worst parts and thought something had to be wrong with that picture

and even then the messages arent a delusion

having dejavu and being suspicious of it isnt a delusion

wishing something was true isnt a delusion

believing in gods and spirits and weird reincarnation stuff isnt a delusion

they’re parts of a whole and thats only a few of the parts

like an example of levels

really liking a celebrity isnt psychotic

wishing you were married isnt psychoticdaydreaming about being married to them isnt psychotic

imagining they’re talking to you or they’re addressing something in an interview to you isn’t psychotic, in and of itself (imagining the message but also kind of beliving it also isn’t )

actually beliving they’re addressing you in an interview or something isn’t a delusion, and though its like Psychotically-associated isnt An Automatic Sticker Of Psychosis slapped on your forehead

forgetting you aren’t acutally married sometimes isn’t a delusion.actually beliving you’re married to them is a delusion.

you won’t be able to recognize it as that until later.

the other behaviors, for you, since youre having a delusion, will come off of that.

someone non-delusional who really loved to dream about it might convince themselves into some magical thinking about the celebrity.

for you though, its because you’re married. you’re literally actually married so of course they’re leaving little hints for you! you never get to see each other!

you rationalize it.

because you believe it and having someone put a crack in things you believe in is scary for anyone.

i mean especially wow if someone told you were werent actually married to your spouse and didn’t even know them? they didn’t even know youre name or that you existed? that would be horrifying. of course youd come up with rationalizations.

and that delusion probably started because you really liked them and because you were lonely. but also because youve been having some issues and either are psychotic, were developing psychotic symptoms, or like Had The Propensity To Be Psychotic in general yknow like. the seeds were there or you were already living life as a psychotic tree and this was just a new branch.

after a while they might start to get it.

they might start poking holes in there own reasoning and being brave enough to follow that path.

and hopefully from there theyll get to the still-beleving-it-but-also-recognizing-its-’fake’ stage.

there are a lot of reasons i dont want to be psychotic.

no one should want to be.

anyone who says they want to be is either someone who’s a disgusting creep thinking other peoples crisises are some hot edgy mysterious shit OR theyre a psychotic person trying to humor themselves and be okay with themselves.

and you should be ok with yourself but that shouldnt replace wanting to improve and manage that really scary world-ending parts of shit.thats a whole other topic though

like

i dont want to be psychotic because im terrified of slowly loosing my mind. thats a freaky prospect that no one should really want. i only want that when im suicidal and wish i just didnt have a mind to think with at all kind of shit.

i dont want to be psychotic because i dont want to keep having these episodes and seeing this shit and thinking this shit. a lot of it is absolutely terrifying. other things are less active but like...i wish i could trust anyone ever. i wish i could trust my own judgement. i wish i didn’t get obsessive and weird about contamination and not be able to eat food or need to contain myself from freaking out if certain people touch me. that shit isnt cowering from God under a desk but its annoying and i don’t want to be doing it. i wish i could stop doing it.

i don’t want to be psychotic because once youve had it confirmed that you believe things that arent real that makes it just that much harder to trust literally anything you think.i have to check everything with people because what if im wrong or assuming or jsut being crazy or i thought something up that isnt true.and we all seem to have an amazing knack for like doign that whenever we were actually with reality, and forgetting to do it when we do actually have something a little confused lol. maybe thats subconscious.

i dont wanna be psychotic because i want some things to be true!! you know!! and learnign they arent is, again, confusing and really scary. no matter what it is. but if its something that you like or that brings you some kinda positive shit then thats even worse to have taken away and have be a lie. and even worse a Crazy Lie.

i don’t know how much of my religious views to trust and thinking that anything i believe in or think is up for questioning brings up a whole lot of good things that i dont want to be up for questioning.part of the reason im scared to go on meds is because im really worried some good things will turn out fake and go away.

im worried about what all could just like...dissappear. what if the whole world changed. what if im wrong about more than i thought or something that id never even considered.

like.....im out of steam now but.

yeah. idk