#Idk if it's even mother's day anywhere else but yea

[yhwcomeback]

He planned this comeback for 6 years

[yuzurins]

when the rain comes

— where you and suna have to cancel your date due to the rain

pairing— suna rintaro x fem!reader

genre— fluff >_<

word count— 1.88k words (sorry if there are any mistakes, only briefly proofread)

notes— got this prompt after having to cancel and remake plans because of the rain lol, sorry if the characters seem so uwu 🥺 cus idk how else to write fluff

disclaimer— apologies if y/n might not act or have the same qualities/features/personality as everyone. it would be impossible if i were to write her in order to fit everyone’s ideals. tdlr, please don’t send hate or complain about the way i write y/n (or suna). enjoy!!

you pout as you slump down in your bed, hugging a stuffed animal.

today was the day where you and suna were supposed to go on a date. you planned out almost everything and was very excited to go, but too bad you guys didn’t check the weather before deciding on a day.

now you’re stuck at home, with nothing to do. and hearing the rain continuously hitting your window was not helping at all.

“come on, it’s not that bad.” you glance over at your phone to look at the fox eyed boy. you were currently on facetime with him so you could rant about all your life problems.

“but i miss you!! i was so excited for today tooooooo” you frowned.

rin leaned forward to rest his head on his desk and smiled. “we can always just reschedule, i’d be happy to be with you anyday.”

despite your sad mood, you couldn’t help but smile after hearing him say those words. you could feel the heat rising to your cheeks yet you didn’t mind it, because you really liked the way he made you feel

“since when were you so cheesy? i still remember the days where you would refuse to even look at me.” you teased, wanting to be able to get a reaction from him.

suna hummed in response. he shifted back to rest his head in his palm and turned away to hide his face. “guess i was just a stupid kid back then. was in the stage of denial.”

“awee, have i made you all soft”

“yes. yes you have.”

you giggled at his blunt response.

you and rin have been in a relationship for a little over 2 years, and he still never fails to make you happy.

“y/n!!! come down and help me with the laundry!!” you heard your mother yell for you

“ah, sorry. i’ll be right back” you told him beforehand

“yea no worries, i won’t be going anywhere.”

you have him a small smile before heading off to assist your dear mother

a few minutes later, you came back holding a big stack of clothes. your figure was barely visible and you struggled to navigate your way around due to the clothes blocking your vision

you looked kinda cute actually, sort of like a child, and the boy on the phone couldn’t help but stare at you in awe.

you heard a faint chuckle and turned around from the pile of clothes you were folding to see soft green eyes staring at you (YES I SAID SOFT HES SOFT FOR U 😩)

you gave him a puzzled ( ? _ ? ) expression, curious to see what he was laughing about earlier

he moved back a bit and gave you like a… ╮(•▽•"")╭ expression in return

“why’d you stop?” he asked, sounding like a child who just got their favourite toy taken away from them

you pouted. “what were you laughing about?”

“you looked so cute earlier, i couldn’t help it. it was like… watching a lost cat trying to find its way home”

“whaaat, that’s a strange analogy. am i just a cute animal on display to you or something ??”

“yes….”

“is that supposed to be a compliment?”

“yes.”

you were about to open your mouth to say something but instead tilted your head down so he could avoid seeing your face since you probably looked as red as a tomato by now.

“rinrin,” you looked back up to try and study his facial expression but unfortunately he wasn’t staring at you at the moment. well, at least he didn’t see your flushed face.

the boy in question hummed in response. you shuffled over to your phone and picked it up from where it was propped at.

“i’ll be right back.”

“wh-“

you cut him off by hanging up on the call. because of his teasing, you honestly couldn’t handle how much you missed him, so you decided to hurry up and finish folding your clothes, in order to run over to his house and give him a big fat hug. it didn’t even matter if it was still raining, you would run through it if it meant you could see your beloved boyfriend.

“i’ll be heading out now!!” you shouted, hoping your mom would hear

“are you seriously going out in this weather? make sure to wash your own clothes if they get all wet…. oh and bring an umbrella with you!” your mom replied drowsily, due to just have woken up from a nap.

“yes yes i know.” you laughed at her response.

you glance down at your watch. 2:39pm. knowing both you and suna, you probably wouldn’t be home for dinner so you decided to let your mom know too.

(lol i’m not writing smut u_u but you can imagine what they do 😏)

she hummed in response and smiled at you. “you know, your father and i-“

“moooooommmm, i have a train to catch! i’ll listen to your stories another timeee, because right now, i need to be living my own high school love story.” you giggled. your mom would go on and on about her life stories and you couldn’t lie, they were honestly pretty interesting. but for real, they’ll be here for another time.

“alright alright. have fun and don’t do anything dangerous.” she waved from where she was standing near the top of the stairs before yawning and slowly walking back into her bedroom.

you quickly put on your shoes and opened the door, taking in the sight before your eyes.

rain. a bunch of rain. the roads were filled with puddles and small rivers of rain.

you took out your umbrella and began to walk to the train station.

taking a stroll in the rain was honestly kinda calming. the city seemed a bit empty and the sky was gloomy, but you were still able to admire nature in the midst of it. and before you knew it, you arrived at the door of the house of mr. suna rintarou.

it was a thursday afternoon and his parents were at work, so you casually rang the doorbell. you were pretty close to his family actually so even if they were home, they probably wouldn’t mind having you over anyways.

you heard some shuffling from inside the house before the door opened.

“ooh! y/n-neesan, what are you doing here?”rinako, rintaro’s younger sister, chirped.

(a/n: suna has an unnamed sister so i just gave her a name lolol yea her name isn’t actually rinako but i thought it sounded nice. tbh she’s kinda like an oc here but issok n_n)

“hi ‘nako-chan! i’m here to visit for the day!” you smiled at the younger girl.

she grinned before shuffling backwards to welcome you into their house. you thanked her before taking off your shoes and making your way in.

rinako was the opposite of her brother, being loud and outgoing. because you came over to their house quite often, you would interact with rinako frequently aswell. you were an only child, so you really enjoyed her company too.

“ah,” rinako recalled. “you and nii-san were supposed to go out today! is that why you came over here instead?”

“that’s right,” you laughed, bringing a hand to pat her head. “speaking of your brother, where is he right now?”

“i think he went upstairs to his room actually.” rinako turned around and pointed up to the second floor. “he was downstairs earlier eating food while mumbling something and walked into a wall before going back up”

“yeah, that definitely sounds like something ‘taro would do.” you giggled at his childish antics. he probably was deep in thought and forgot to use his eyes.

rinako snickered briefly with you before frowning and clinging onto your right arm.

“hey, do you have to hang out with nii-san? why can’t you just come play games with me, i’m also so much cooler.” ‘nako questioned, giving you the best puppy eyes she could.

“that sounds fun!!” you clapped your hands together, almost going along with her before remembering what you came here for in the first place. “ah sorry, maybe later though. i wanted to surprise your brother first”

rinako pouted for a second, but she did understand. “tch, you guys are so clingy. promise you’ll play with me later?” she held out her pinky.

“promise.” you took your pinky out and intertwined it with hers.

“alright, have fun! don’t be too loud” the younger girl smirked at you.

“hey-“

“i’m actually going to go take a nap so wake me up whenever you’re ready.” she cut you off and waved as she ran up the stairs to her room to avoid getting tackled by you.

you laughed at her antics before following her up the stairs and heading over to rin’s room.

you slowly opened the door while trying to be as quiet as possible.

he was curled up in his bed, sleeping, and you just stood there for a minute or so, admiring this peaceful side of him.

“mmmmm…” the boy mumbled…. “what are you staring at?” he smirked. “i know you’re there, come in already.”

your eyes widen at his words. had he been awake this entire time?

“what’s that face for? you and my sister were being so loud downstairs” he stated firmly as he sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes. “also, you ending the call abruptly was kinda suspicious too, because i knew you didn’t have anything else to do today.”

“so much for wanting to surprise you…” you sighed. “well uh, hi! i’m here.” you smiled and waved whilst walking into his room, remembering to close the door after.

suna hummed in response and opened his arms, hinting for you to come over to him.

you flashed him a teasing smile before skipping over to be engulfed by his embrace.

despite rin being 6’1, he still acted like a baby around you. he leaned against you and rested his head in your chest.

“hey.” he murmured as he looked up at you with that signature deadpan expression

“hi.” you responded, curious to see what he wanted to say.

“i missed you too.”

you smiled as red washed over your cheeks. you felt your heart beating faster and rin’s lips turned upwards into a grin.

“hah, i can hear your heartbeat.” he chuckled. “you’re so easy to tease.”

you huffed as you looked away from the brunette, observing the items on his desk to avoid his gaze. “only because you’re the one teasing me.”

but your attention was quickly drawn to rin changing his position. he moved his head off your chest and sat up properly. the latter hummed once again and lightly tugged on your shirt, motioning for you to look at him.

as soon as you turned your head over, you felt him lean towards you to brush his lips against yours softly. it was a sweet and delicate kiss, to show that he really cared and appreciated you. not too short to make you crave for more, but not too long to suffocate you. the perfect kiss, and the one that people dream about.

it wasn’t the first time he kissed you, but the passion you could feel from it was enough to make your heart flutter and feel like you were floating.

“i love you.”

“you’re so cheesy.” you broke out in a cheeky grin and rolled your eyes playfully before shifting your gaze to make eye contact with rintaro. “but i love you too.”

perhaps rainy days aren’t so bad after all.

[mrskisaki]

Hi honey can I make a request (sfw) for um Marco and Thatch, the letters are B, Y, and X. (Idk if I did this right)

As long as I can understand the request then you did it perfectly! :) <3

Look at me, first post of the day and it’s only 7:17am. Time to go back to sleep!ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Sfw Alphabets (B,X,Y) for Marco and Thatch

I know I can’t be the only one who noticed how much taller Thatch is compared to Marco and then when it zooms in, he’s almost the same height

Marco

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Being Marcos best friend would be peaceful, he would let you get away with more than everyone else in the crew; he wouldn’t lecture you as hard, gives you the best advice and open ear, and helps you clean up your messes that you’ve gotten yourself into by playing around with Ace but will tell you that you should’ve know that Ace would leave the mess for you to clean up. The friendship would start with Marco, he’s like the mother friend to everyone on board so it’s quite obvious that he would act the same towards you. He’s the first to check up on you and make sure that everything’s alright and that you’ve eaten and taken care of yourself.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Marco is a doctor and no matter how hard he tries, he does catch a cold every once in a while and when he does he doesn’t like to accept it and will over work himself to the brink of passing out. He’ll be a bit stubborn when someone tries to make him stay in bed, he insists that he’s fine enough to at least do a bit of paperwork. Just tell him that you’re going to go get it for him and walk out, by the time you come back, he’s knocked out.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Marco doesn’t like people who can’t act mature when needed to. There’s a time and place for everything, he himself even has his time of laughter and games but he most definitely knows when to act serious so when other people continuously acts like it’s a game when shit is hitting the fan and is severe, it pisses him off to no end and he will give you a hard lecture.

Thatch

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

It would be amazing being Thatchs best friend, you get to give him cook you special meals and drinks, be one of the ones to eat first, and you always have him to bail you out of trouble with Marco when you fool around with Ace. Thatch acts more like the cool older brother when he’s your best friend; always there for you and always lets you have your fun without jumping down your throat for it. The friendship obviously started by Thatch, he feels as if it’s best to be friends with everyone so he introduces himself first. He’s the very first person who speaks to you when you join the crew and he also is the one who gives you the tour.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Thatch has an entire beauty+skin care routine and takes about 2 hours to do it and that’s not including his shower, he takes a shower everyday and it’s about 45-50 minutes long. He deep conditions his hair and beard and uses exfoliating and rejuvenating body wash. Doing his daily hair style takes about an hour it’s self, he always has one of those fruity face masks on while he does it. He cleans his nails and clips them as well, he does the same to his feet. He takes really good care of his hygiene.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

Thatch wouldn’t like a messy person, he understands being unorganized sometimes and having a small mess but to the point where there’s garbage everywhere and it’s started to clutter up and smell? Yea no. Thatch can barley go into Ace’s cabin without cringing and he will gag. He’ll help you clean it before it gets to that point if you ask but if you don’t and it gets bad, he will refuse to go anywhere near your room.

[crimson-snowfall]

Omg I only have a week break from uni too but I still have work to do that’s due as soon as we come back, my mental health needs more than 1 week to properly function again Can I request how Leo, Theo and comte headcanons on how they would be like with a kid, maybe the mc accidentally got pregnant and whoop now a toddler is In their life

Hi anon I notice a lot of TLC requests (Theo Leo Comte) and I’m starting to wonder if you’re that same anon or if these three just so happens to be a fan favorite. Anyway it’s okay I don’t mind I think it’s just kinda cute, but from now on I’ll endearingly call anons who request these three men the TLC anons.

Anyway I’ve been thinking about how these vampire would be like as a father and I sure am glad someone requested it. I gave names to their children to make this easier to write and as you can probably tell it’s just derived from their dad’s names one way or another except for Comte’s because that’s not his real name but let’s just go along with it

Ikevamp HC request: Theo, Comte, & Leo with a kid

Theo

Theo was incredibly surprised when you gave birth to Theophilus. For a moment, he got a little worried that you had an affair with his brother because the baby literally looks like Vincent; he has his uncle’s hair color and even got the lighter shade of blue of his eyes.

However, as soon as Theo took the baby from your arms so he can inspect him closer, the baby promptly frowned at his father, and that’s all it took to extinguish all doubt. There’s no mistaking it– the boy is definitely his, because there’s no way something from Vincent nor you can make a scowl as mean as that just a few hours after being born.

Personality-wise, Theophilus is just a little Theo who looks like Vincent. But even his father claims that he wasn’t even as mean nor as spoiled as his son when he was his age. He says this in the presence of his older brother, who just laughs it off.

Theo tries to be a doting father to his little Theo, but the boy seems to enjoy tormenting him. He’s declared war against his own father, claiming that he will never let him have you… completely ignoring the fact that you being his mother also means that you are his father’s wife.

Theo finds it ridiculous most of the time but enjoys bickering with his son. However, he tries his best not to give little Theo any reason to cry, because the boy likes to play dirty and would come fake crying to you the moment his father says anything that’s remotely mean.

Your devious son would then proceed to monopolize you for rest of the day under the pretense that he needs protection from daddy who’s been mean to him again.

Sometimes Theo still couldn’t believe his eyes, for never in his wildest dreams did he imagine that someone who’s a spitting image of his dear angelic brother could be so cunning and spoiled. Not to mention that Vincent barely showed any signs of immaturity due to the circumstances of their childhood, so Theo seeing his own son act so childishly by trying to steal you away from him is quite the sight for him.

The only time Theophilus openly shows affection for his father is when Theo offers him a piggyback ride. Little Theo completely forgets his one-sided rivalry with his father and even calls him the best dad in the world, something he would never say out loud under normal circumstances.

Comte

Comte couldn’t remember the last time he cried as he held his newborn daughter in his arms. Colette looks a lot like you, except for her hair color which she clearly inherited from her father.

As someone who’s been spoiled a lot by Comte, you thought you already have a good idea how much he’s going to spoil his daughter, but this doting father takes it to the next level. There are nights you’d have to drag him to bed because he’d go on for several nights without a blink of sleep just from watching his daughter sleep.

Much to your relief, Colette didn’t grew up to be a spoiled brat despite Comte relentlessly spoiling her. Instead, she inherited your modesty, but you could tell that she would grow into a fine young lady since she seems to have inherited her father’s distinct mannerisms that exude nobility.

Comte’s doting nature also made parenthood unbelievably easy for you; a good example would be whenever Colette cries, there’s a guarantee that Comte is already there by her side by the time you get there, wiping her tears and asking her what’s wrong.

One of Comte’s greatest worries though, is that his dear daughter never asked for anything. When you told him that there’s nothing else Colette could possibly ask for since he’s giving her nearly everything already, Comte insists that there must be still something that she might want.

Comte’s doting father case is definitely a hopeless one, and deep down you wish Colette never wishes for anything ridiculous like the moon even as a joke, because who knows what lengths her dear father might go through just for that.

Leo

You give Leo a son who takes after him a lot. He was silently wishing that you would give him a cute little daughter who takes after you, but your son is a proof of your love for each other so he cherishes him deeply as well.

Lionel likes his father a lot, and soon as he could walk and communicate, the boy is virtually inseparable from his dad. Leo is now rarely seen laying around anywhere the mansion since his son has basically locked him up in the library with him.

You often find both of them passed out in the library chairs every now and then though, stacks of books covering a wide array of subjects on the table. At some point you genuinely wondered if it’s about time you move in with them there.

Unsurprisingly, Leo is insanely lenient with his son. Lionel has inherited some of your sense and is not that much of a problematic child as you would’ve expected him to be if he had completely taken after his father, but sometimes it is Leo’s wild suggestions that puts both of them in rather awkward and/or dangerous situations.

Leo also tends to cover up for his son on the rare occasions the boy actually causes mischief by himself. At some point, Lionel asked his father if he’s what people would call a masochist.

“Cucciolo, you’ll only understand me once you find yourself a woman as wonderful as your mother.”

In case you’re wondering, I just looked up a list of Italian terms of endearment and just went along with “cucciolo” because with the rate of cara mias we get with Leo I highly doubt that he’s gonna call his son with his proper name either.

Btw my ask box is now closed (lol u could tell anyway cuz it’s gone). I got a ton of requests this vacation and uni starts again next week welp I didn’t even get the chance to watch an anime ;w; I’ll be opening it again once I’ve posted all the current requests in my inbox… and perhaps I’ll be updating the guidelines as well with regards to the schedule, university schedule is such a pain, and at the rate requests are flooding me soon it will be a several month’s wait before people actually get their requests. I might also start posting some status updates (more particularly on the publication schedule) of requests on my main blog @crimson-snowfluff … yea just maybe idk yet but I’ll try to let you know somehow.

[cherrysunflowers]

nsfw for kiss the canvas babes 👀👀

ok i am SO READY FOR THIS 

kiss the canvas babies

• who kissed who first?  

n&m: okay sO I feel like nicky PLANNED on kissing mo first??? but every time he tried during their first date, something would come up and the mood would just DIE and he'd get so frustrated abt it??? but lbr mo would’ve honestly just been like ‘fUCK IT’ and kissed him im cackling

j&m: i think jesse did?? bc it was during the power outage when margo was over rmr, and they were surrounded by candles and :’(( 

• who made the first move?

n&m: why,,, do i get the feeling mo did,,,, bc lets face it even tho nicky wants to fuCK he would most definitely wait until mo gives him a sign that she's down?? like yea they'd joke abt fucking and stuff like that, but he would most definitely not do anything crazy until she shows signs that she wants it, and even then, he would’ve asked for consent bc he is a Good Boy

j&m: okay so since jess is also a Good Boy, I feel like he would’ve also waited for margo to make the first move. and I feel like after lots of reassurance and affirmations, she would've finally gotten enough confidence to make the first move?? it wouldve definitely been a little thing tho, like maybe setting a hand on his chest, or nibbling his bottom lip or smth as they made out. just small things.

• what’s the relationship like?

n&m: ridiculously adventurous. spontaneous. not much is planned between the two of them. I feel like they wouldn't even plan dates, nick would just pick mo up at her apartment, and they just see where it goes. but they can also be rlly lazy and domestic?? like, when mo’s slammed with work, and nick is busy at the warehouse, they have date night at home and do takeout and a movie while wearing pyjamas y’know??

j&m: soft, really domestic and sweet. since jess’ got danny, it kind of already feels like they're married, really. since margo takes care of danny like she's his mother, and they already kind of have the whole family dynamic. so I feel the relationship consists of small acts of affection, like knowing smiles, and gentle touches, stuff like that. and since they aren't able to go out as much, their date nights mostly consist of home cooked meals, watching netflix and falling asleep on the couch at 11pm.

• who’s the most possessive?

n&m: nicky. definitely. he knows that girls like mo never ever give guys like him a chance. he doesn’t fuck around when it comes to guys flirting with her or trying to make moves. she’s the most special thing he’s ever had in his life, and hes absolutely terrified of her leaving him, even if it doesn't show.

j&m: I feel like its jess. since he knows everything about margo’s past, he’s dead set on protecting her. and that shows whenever he sees someone trying to talk to her in a way he knows isn’t all that innocent, or something like that. and all he'd even have to do is shoot them a look and thats it. 

• what is their favourite way to kiss?

n&m: ok lbr when they kiss, they fucking mAKE OUT. like fuckin’ all tongue or nothing, nicky does Not Fuck Around okay he thinks pecking is for pussies

j&m: softly. I feel like they wouldn't feel the need for all that passion and craze. margo would love leaving little kisses all over jess, whether its his shoulder, or back, or cheek, or lips. anywhere she can reach to show him her affection.

• who tops during sex?

n&m: I wanna say it’s pretty even? like before mo, he'd definitely be used to topping but when he and mo are together, I feel like both of them are good with whatever, and its pretty even on that front. just whoever wants to top goes for it lMAO

j&m: we’ve def talked about this and I think your answer to that was that jess always tops bc hes a dominant lil shIT !! but I feel like every RARE moment, margo would playfully roll them over and try to top, bc she just wants to tease him and :’)

• thoughts on sex toys?

n&m: nick would joke about using ropes n handcuffs n shit but I feel like mo would b the one to be like ‘listen buddy I hope ur fuckin serious and if not imma be pisSED’ 

j&m: the thought of sex toys would fLUSTER THE H E L L OUTTA MARGO??? like even though she ain’t a virgin, she's still !! such a lil prude !! and whenever the conversation comes up, she’d just get all flustered and would blush up a storm and !!!!

• most sensitive areas?

n&m: for nick, I wanna say its his neck and the spot right behind his ear, or where his jaw connects to his neck???

j&m: for margo, it would most definitely be her hair. if jess tugs her hair even the slightest bit, bITCH IS ON HEFJNK but also she would most definitely have a thing for him biting her lower lip while kissing :))

• do they shower/bathe together? if so, how far does anything go?

n&m: lets be real, they've fucked in the shower and the bath, these kids are like bunnies ok I stg. but there are times where its just soft and tender, and all they wanna do is be cute and wash the other’s hair yknow??

j&m: I feel they’d def shower and bathe together, and maybe yeah they'd fuck in the shower, but I cant see them having sex in the bathtub?? like I feel like margo only ever rlly takes baths when she's stressed or sad, so whenever jess joins her, its to cheer her up yknow??? iDK LMK WHAT U THINK OF THAT

• how do they like their sex?

n&m: I honestly feel like sex for them is a reflection of who they are as people. super passionate, exciting, full of love and affection for the other person. like, nicky would do nothing but try to please mo, and I feel like that would be the same thing the other way around. 

j&m: margo is lowkey plain as fuck when it comes to sex, just bc she's so nervous about trying new things?? jess probably has to suggest that they try new stuff bc she would’ve been brainwashed by v*nce that sex isn’t fun and that its a way for the guy to take out his frustrations and ://

• how rough can sex get before its taken too far?

n&m: okay honestly, nicky would be really careful when it comes to getting rough, bc even though hes been fighting for this whole life, he still doesn't know his own strength, and he would keep himself on a tight leash when it comes to that. like, when he feels himself getting out of hand with spanking, or just plain gripping her, he would have to pull back and take a breather, bc the last thing he would EVER wanna do is hurt her. but back in his fighting days, he wouldn't have cared, nor realized how rough he was bc baby boy was always on drugs. :// thats why hes so careful with mo, I feel like.

j&m: once again, this is a doozy bc like I said before, margo is pretty nervous when it comes to sex already, so I feel like she wouldn’t be able to handle too much rough stuff before getting triggered and having a panic attack. she’d be able to handle ur average groping and light spanking and would like having her hair pulled, but anything more rough than that, and she would freak out.

• favourite sex position

n&m: when mo is on top :)

j&m: margo tryna playfully get in control n topping but then jess rolling them over to show her who's boss :)

• if they could have a threesome, who would their third choice be?

n&m: jeSsE, obviously !1! lmAO im kidding. but I honestly don't know if nicky would wanna have a threesome?? like, to him, sex would be such an intimate thing, and he wouldn't wanna share that ( or mo ) with anyone else. hes definitely had threesomes in the past during his addict days tho oop-

j&m: def don't think margo or jess would’ve ever thought of having a third person join them? like nick, margo def believes that sex is a super intimate thing between two people ( unless they're poly, homegirl is an lgbt+ ally don't get it tWISTED ), and she wouldn’t wanna share jess with anyone else.

___ 

LET ME KNOW IF THIS WAS GOOD OR SHITTY IDK WHAT THE HELL IM DOING AAAA

[zankivich]

Teacher’s Pet: A College AU - The Epilogue Part 1

a/n:  I know what you’re thinking....bitch why did this take so long? but like here my out. I started a whole other plus-size woman series, I got writer’s block, school was shit, mental health was shit, and this motherfucker is still like 15k long! so I broke her up into two parts. She’s angsty and cute and hopefully real? idk. I really hope you like. Let me know plz? K bye. 

*Six months later*

“Shawn Peter Raul we are going to be late!” You yelled.

You were late. You were so fucking late, and Karen was going to kill you. You’d only been given one job and that was to get Shawn to graduation on time and in his cap and gown. It had only taken him stepping into the shower beside you that morning to fuck that up. Woops.

“Babe, I can’t find my tie!” He called from the bedroom.

You tapped your heel impatiently against the wooden floors.

“It’s on the dresser next to your cap where I told you it was thirty minutes ago, bud. We gotta go!”

He came walking out in his black slacks and those boots of his that always clacked against the floors. His mother had asked him to wear the tie and it really was going to look beautiful against the backdrop of his floral button up. Your mans was sort of beautiful.

“What?” He asked at the smile that was clear on your face.

You shrugged pulling the tie around his neck to tie it for him.

“Nothing. You just look really good.”  

His fingers came up to touch your waist and you grinned.

“Yea?”

“You know you look good, asshole. Stop flirting with me. We’re late.”

“But you’re so pretty.” He hummed. “What are you doing later?”

“I’m going to see this concert later actually. I got tickets to an Ed Sheeran show. Hear, the opener’s supposed to be good.”

Shawn snorted. “I don’t know. I heard he’s shit. Kid’s got no stage presence.”

“Yea, but he’s kinda hot. Who cares what he sounds like?”

He swatted playfully at your ass for that one before you finally are able to get out the door.

You get to the venue just in time for Shawn to line up with the graduates and you just barely made it to his family, out of breath and sweaty. But, as long as Shawn got to fucking walk everything would be fine.

It had certainly been a hell of a rollercoaster the last few months. Shawn’s spring semester had been hectic to say the least. They had released his first single to astounding reception and everything had blown up since then. He was performing two, three, sometimes four nights out of the week and doing twelve credit hours on top of that. It was more work than either of you had been prepared for, and it definitely wasn’t easy. You snapped at each other sometimes. You got lonely when he was away, and he got lonely too. Sometimes you went weeks without seeing one another. But, he always came back to you. And every time you heard the door open, his keys in the bowl, the tapping of his boots against the hardwood floors, you remembered that it was all worth it. You grew closer because of it, and the fact that you came out of it on the otherside was just a testament to how much both of you were willing to do whatever it took to stick together.

Graduation day was a huge affair for the Mendes family and it was impossible not to get swept up in their energy. They were excited to watch Shawn graduate, and you had the biggest sense of pride as well. After all you had been the one to watch him come home from shows at two in the morning just to write a paper for class the next day. You had sat with him when his anxiety had been at its peak and he hadn’t been able to breathe for minutes or hours at a time. You were there for every low but you were also there for every high. The first time he’d met Ed Sheeran and Andrew had told him that he would be his opener for the North American leg: fifty shows of getting up and playing for an audience every night. You were there when his single had debuted in the top 10 on billboard, and Teddy and he had popped champagne in the middle of one of the practice rooms on campus. You got to watch him live his dream and it was the most beautiful thing in the world for you.

He walked across the stage all overly long limbs and that adorable fucking goofy smile with a diploma in hand. It’s everything you ever wanted for him and you’re so proud that maybe you somehow smudge your eyeliner. It definitely isn’t by crying though, no sirree. Not at all.

Aaliyah catches a picture of Shawn lifting you up in his arms to kiss you just minutes after the ceremony ended and it might just be your favorite picture ever.

There’s a big, huge dinner with Shawn and all of his friends to celebrate their achievement. The excitement of the day reminds you of when you finished undergrad and the feelings that came with that. It really was an incredible achievement and watching the pride of his family and friends as they all celebrated him felt better than good. You just loved knowing that he had done it. He’d gotten the degree and the dream and he was going to go on to have everything he ever wanted. Your love for him meant that watching him get it all filled you with a joy unlike any other. Because you’d never meant anyone that deserved happiness like Shawn did.

You’re sitting at one of the long banquet like tables engrossed in a conversation with Aaliyah about boys, when he comes for you. He had a corona in his hand which he placed beside your much more sophisticated Old Fashioned and his fingertips were icy where they touched gently at your neck.

“Can I steal her away for a second?” He smiled at his sister.

She nodded excitedly shooing each of you  away with both her hands as Shawn tugged you to the dance floor. He wrapped his arms perfectly around your shoulders not even giving you a chance to do anything but sway awkwardly back and forth. But that was the only kind of dancing you wanted to do anyway.

“Hi.” He whispered peering down at you with nothing short but adoration.

You wrapped your arms around his waist in return smiling up at him with similar sentiments.

“Hi.”

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in a very long time. I don’t know if I can let you graduate again if it means all these festivities will keep you away from me.”

You snorted. “You’ll be happy to know that graduate degrees are a lot less of a to-do. Besides the fact that we drove here together, and I saw you thirty minutes ago.”

“Sure, babe, but I had to sit with all those other people for like three hours. And then my mum and my dad made me take more pictures than that photoshoot I did last month. I didn’t even want this party. I’d much rather be cuddled up at home with you.”

“That’s actually really sweet. We’re together now though. Isn’t that what matters?”

He rolled his eyes playfully pulling you closer against his chest so that your eyes no longer met.

“I guess.” He sighed. “Look, I have something I wanted to talk to you about.”

You stilled under his arms, both of you no longer moving on the dance floor.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, sweetheart. I actually talked to Andrew last week. With how well the single has been doing. And the youtube endorsement and the shows with Ed. I’m gonna be able to pay off my parents debt for my college.”

“Babe! That’s incredible. I know how much taking care of them means to you.”

You tried to pull back to look at him, but his arms only tightened around you.

“You’re right. It means a lot to me. But, I also found a place. It’s uh--it’s close enough for you to drive to school every day and close enough for me to get to the studio or anywhere else I might need to be. It’s not in LA or anything like that. It’s just barely bigger than the place you have now but...it’d be ours. If that...if you wanted that.”

Your heart stopped. Your feet stopped. Everything came to a crashing halt. His arms which has been holding you captive broke easily when you tugged away. Shawn could easily take you with brute strength but the knowledge that you wanted him to let you go was all that he ever needed to be stopped. The two of you had talked about moving in together since that day in the beach. It had seemed incredibly unrealistic at the time, mostly because you were two broke college students with no way in hell to afford a Californian apartment. But, that hadn’t stopped you from fantasizing, from whispering to each other in the bed that you shared at night. It just never looked like it would actually happen. For Shawn to surprise you with it on his own graduation day was absolutely ridiculous, and absolutely the kind of thing he would do. And maybe that’s why you were so incredibly in love with him.

“I’ll get a job. I can use my stipend to chip in with rent, but if I work at a bar or something on the weekends? I can help even more.” You smiled.

He frowned at you. “What? Why would you get a job at a bar when you should be focusing on school? Y/n I’m not asking you to pay anything here. I just...I just wanna live with you.”

You could see the softness that seemed to radiate from your gentle giant of a boyfriend. He was always fairytales and roses and nothing else. Of course he’d never ask you to pay anything. But, surely he had to know you and know that you’d never live with him and not hold up your end of the bargain.

“I want to live with you too, Shawn. So, so much. I’m not doing it for free though.” You assured him.

He brought his hands up to cup your face, massive hands covering the majority of your face as he pressed a kiss to your nose and forehead.

“I love you.” He mumbled. “Let’s talk about the details later. Will you move in with me? That’s all that matters right now.”

You knew he’d try to talk you out of it with all of his might. You knew you’d have to stand firm,and that eventually you’d get your way. But every now and again fairytales and roses weren’t such a bad thing. If anything he’d taught you that.

“Yea. Yea, I’ll move in with you.”

“Yea?!” He grinned wrapping you up in his arms again.

“Yea!”

That night you watch him live out his dream in the most tangible way imaginable. On stage in front of twenty thousand people. And you can’t help but remember that night at the bar for the first time. When he just wanted to impress you with his guitar and his words. And he had. Watching him made you stop, made you take notice of every twitch of muscles and every note that came from his lips. You had two favorite Shawns. One was in the mornings. The days when he had decided not to go to gym and you somehow woke up before him. His curls would be wild and matted in some places and the pillow always left red lines on his cheeks. He was beautiful. The other though, was on the stage. His button up would be sweaty and sticky on his back and his eyes would be so wild and bright, so much brighter than the lights even. It never seemed to matter if it was three or three thousand, but every time someone sings the songs back at him he just exudes a happiness unlike anything you’d ever experienced. You know that the stage was his home in the way that he was home for you. And there’s nothing you love more than getting to watch him have that.

It’s only a thirty minute set but when he comes off stage that night he’s alive and full to the brim with energy. He hugs his mum and his dad and his little sister, but when he gets to you he kisses you like it’s maybe the last time he’ll ever see you. And he wraps you up in his arms and doesn’t let you pull alway, not even for a second. It’s like something about his love for the stage transfers to you, and if that’s not the biggest fucking compliment you’re not sure what is.

“Come with me.” He whispered.

He’d barely changed out of his shirt from the set, hadn’t cooled down or anything, before he tugged you into the crowd with everyone else. One second he’s the focal point for everyone in the arena and the next you’re just fans, you’re just people in the crowd enjoying the music. And it’s beautiful and wonderful and you completely forget that your boyfriend is Shawn Mendes, that that means something now. He’s just yours and you don’t have to share him when you’re jumping around like dumbasses to your favorite songs. It feels so good.

But then Ed’s strumming his guitar and asking people to put their phones in the sky, and Shawn’s wraps his arms around your waist from behind.

“I don’t usually dedicate this song to anyone, but a mate of mine asked, and I couldn’t refuse. So, y/n, wherever you are; this one's for you.”

The beginning chords of Perfect begin to play, but how could you ever focus on that through the tears?

“I can’t believe you!” You huffed spinning in his arms to face you.

His palms came up to hold your face in his hands and his lips touched your forehead, touched your lips, touched your ear.

“I wanted you to know that no one has ever loved anyone the way that I love you. This is the only way I knew how!”

And it hits you then in a way that it never has before. It’s not about the fact that your boyfriend got Ed Sheeran to dedicate a love song to you. It’s the inability to say what something is. You use similes and metaphors to try and describe feelings and it never really does it justice. But music, when it is at its most raw and it’s most guttural evokes love and pain and passion in a way that nothing else can. You know his love in that moment because the melodies are recreating it within you. Like it travels into your ear and down into your heart and settles there, nestles warm and soft, forever. And you love him just the same. In a way that consumes a piece of you until it is no longer your own, until it belongs to him as he belongs to you.

He holds you against his chest and he spins you around and he sings the words back into your ear over the loud expanse of the crowd. No one has ever loved anyone the way that you love each other. It’s yours. To have and to hold and to treasure. So you do.

****

*Three years later*

It’s a hard day. It’s been a hard month. A hard year in truth and you’re not sure what to do with it all. Shawn’s been on tour most of the year. His first headlining U.S tour had turned into a European tour had turned into a world tour. But, he was happy and so you were happy. In all honesty you had learned how complex emotions could be in your relationship with Shawn. Because you were happy for him. That was fact. You felt it sincerely and you knew in your bones that it wasn’t a lie. But, you were also sad when he was away. And he’d been away for so long that you were afraid you might forget the sound of his laugh, or the feel of his curls between your fingers. You felt the sadness and the fear and….and anger. There was an anger there too. At him? At yourself? At every single person who got to file into a room every night and see your boyfriend before you did?

But none of that was meant to matter that day. You were being honored with an award that night for your research. It was a really big deal because there grant money involved and you were the youngest person to ever win the award. There was a banquet And in your field there was rarely ever enough money for there to be a banquet. And Shawn was going to come. Shawn had promised he would come.

You’re on your way to get your hair done for the event when the call comes in.

“Babe!” You squeaked as the speaker phone kicked in. “I am on my way to the hair salon as we speak. Gotta try and look good if I’m gonna be stood next to you huh? Did you get your suit?”

“H--Hey sweetheart, listen I uh--”

“No. No. Shawn please, no.” You sighed pulling to a stop at the red light.

You hit weakly at the steering wheel in protest.

“I’m so sorry. Listen I--I’m so sorry. Andrew scheduled a last minute interview and the flights just aren’t lining up. I couldn’t say no.”

You chuckled. “Couldn’t say no. All I’ve heard in the last six months is no, but god forbid Andrew hear the word no.”

“Y/n, that’s not fair. You know how much this all means to me.”

“Yea, no, of course I do. I know how much everything means to you, Shawn, but what about me? Don’t I--do I pull any weight at all?”

The light turns green and your foot stutters on the gas like your lip stutters as the tears start to build again. There’d been an attempt to use “I feel” statements lately. It was your therapists idea. The idea that you should be sharing how you feel instead of stifling it as was usually your initial instinct. The problem became when you were overcome with emotion, the last thing you wanted to do was follow that stupid fucking exceriese.

“Of course you do. Do you wanna tell me what you’re feeling right now?”

Ugh.

“I feel like my boyfriend is an asshole. I feel like there is a line of fifty thousand people in front of me to visit who is supposed to be the love of my life. And everytime I think I’ve got my ticket? Every time I think I’m at least somewhere in the line of people in your life? Someone else just gets to jump in front because they’re more important.” You huffed as a tear ran angrily down your cheek. “This night meant so much to me. All I wanted was for you to be there. It’s the only thing I wanted.”

“Baby I--”

You don't think you can stand to hear him say sorry again, don’t think your fucking heart could take it. So, you hang up and you sit in the parking lot of your salon for fifteen minutes bawling your eyes out before you go and get your hair done because the world doesn’t stop spinning because your boyfriend’s a jackass. Which he is.

You get all dolled up that night in this beautiful black gown with a dangerously high knee slit . It was supposed to make you feel powerful, ethereal, beautiful. And somehow not having Shawn there just fucks all of that up. You just wanted him to be proud of you, wanted him to share in these important moments of your life the way that you had been there for every single one of his. It hurts worse than you knew what to do with. You can’t put makeup on that night because every few minutes you have to blink angrily to keep the tears at bay. The worst part is remembering how much Shawn loved you without it, and knowing that if he would’ve showed up he would’ve told you how beautiful you were. But, he wasn’t.

The ceremony is beautiful. You’re surrounded by the most intelligent people in your field and it makes you appreciate the work that you all are doing, validates that you’re not alone in that work. You’re sat a table with people who will probably go on to save the world, if it isn’t already too badly damaged, and that means something to you. Half way through the night your phone vibrates in the clutch you’d gotten to match your dress, which literally only fit your phone in it. It’s Shawn. Usually you would’ve excused yourself from whatever was going on to talk to Shawn. Your moments with him could often times feel fleeting and small. But tonight wasn’t about him for once. It was about you. And tonight you got to be the one who was too busy. If only for tonight.

You’re sitting at the bar sipping on whiskey on the rocks because you’re not driving home and they’ve already given you the award so who cares if you get a little tipsy when he comes up. He’s maybe just under six feet and his hair is brown and neatly trimmed though the shade is much too dark for your liking. He’s got wild green eyes and it pairs lovely with the darkness of his suit which happens to pair lovely with the darkness of your dress. Before you even blinked he’s sitting beside you and turning those green eyes on you. You noticed that his eyes were kind, and that you liked that.

“Hi.” He murmured nodding his head towards the glass in your hand. “Scotch?”

You grinned slightly. “Whiskey.”

“Ah, my kind of woman. Can I have whatever she’s having?” He asked the waiter.

You’d already had one so your head is feeling a little fluttery. You leaned your chin against your palm so you could see him better.

“You received an award for your work with Trans sexworkers in Atlanta right?”

“Yea, actually. Although most of the credit should go to my research partner Clara. Me being a cis-het male, who’s white-passing doesn’t exactly harber a connection with folks who have been victimized from people who look like me. I just was really fascinate by the topic and wanted to help in whatever way that I could.”

You nodded. “Yea, no I understand. The hardest thing is wanting to do work that elevates untold stories, but recognizing your privilege is deeply rooted in their oppression. Sometimes you just have to bow out. At least that’s what I think. But, uh I did my thesis for my masters on mental health and trans women. Most of my research ended up being tailored to Black women and women of color in LA because I was close and they was a bigger community of folks. I was really fascinated when I read your study.”

“Well thank you that means a lot coming from you. You’re kind of like the belle of the ball here.”

You snorted. Actually snorted. Ugh.

“I highly doubt that. I’ve only been alive a fraction of the time some people around here having been making meaningful impacts on their communities.”

“And yet you were given the most prestigious honor of the night.”

“Hmmm… You’ve got me there. Guess I’m kind of a badass.” You joked bringing your drink up to your lips.

You watched his eyes dip down to your mouth and perhaps you began to catch on that this wasn’t simply about your work.

The waiter placed his drink in front of him and he moved to take a sip only to wince as the alcohol burned his throat.

“Jesus. You are a badass.” He coughed.

“People tend to underestimate a woman’s ability to drink men under the table. Your shitty beer has nothing on my long islands. Assuming of course that we’re sticking to very gendered understandings of drinking, which I guess if my drink is anything to go off of, we’re not.”

He smiled at you and it made you un-cross and re-cross your legs. You hadn’t been smiled at like that in a long time.

“I never got the chance to introduce myself officially. I’m Jaden.”

He asked you more about what you were working on at the time. He offered suggestions for parameters to meet the needs of the communities you were working with. You talked about politics for a little while, and about the latest celebrity male that had been ostracized from the community for sexual assault or rape or persuasion or some other awful thing. It felt good to have someone to talk to, someone who understood. And sitting there, you could see it. You see how simple of a life it would have been to be with someone like him. Someone who’s work aligned with your own, someone who’s passions in life were similar. It would easier, for sure.

But, the second he’d stepped up to that bar the only thing your mind had registered was that he wasn’t Shawn. His hair color was off. He had neatly trimmed facial hair that thankfully Shawn didn’t.  His eyes weren’t the perfect shade of brown. And he would never cause the same excitement of Shawn sending you a news article about a terrible thing going on in the world, and knowing that his ability to critique and to learn had started with an intro to feminism course those few years ago. Shawn wasn’t an expert on all things social justice, but he cared because you did, and he made the effort to be plugged into your world. Well, except for tonight. And the last couple of months. Why’d you have to go and fuck up now?

“So uh...if you don’t mind me asking, there was a lot of talk about your boyfriend showing up here tonight.” Jaden finally murmured.

You hummed. “Really? Is that a thing that you all talk about?”

“Not me necessarily, but even human rights activists like a little gossip. I think rock-star heart throb makes that list.”

“At least you’re honest, I suppose.”

He smirked. “And you’re deflecting.”

“You never asked me a question.”

“Fair. Why isn’t your boyfriend here with the most beautiful woman in the room?”

You bit your lip eyes straining to your glass.

“I--I’m not sure.”

You don’t know why you said that. You knew Shawn had said there was press. There were interviews. There were things that needed his attention. You just couldn’t quite figure out why you weren’t one of them. What was wrong with you?

“I mean….I should--I should go.”

His hand reached out to touch your bare knee stilling you into silence. You hadn’t been touched by anyone who wasn’t Shawn in years.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out I just...You’re gorgeous. You’re incredibly intelligent, one of the smartest people in this room. The way you talked about your work tonight on that stage told me that your heart is absolutely massive. I’m struggling to understand a world where you’re not appreciated to the fullest degree. You gotta know you deserve that.”

His touch turned to fire on your skin. The fact that no one besides Shawn had touched you had been purposeful, and this, this felt wrong. He wasn’t yours and you weren’t his and more than that you didn’t want to be. So, you stood up and smoothed out your dress before downing the rest of your drink. You hoped that you looked graceful and elegant despite feeling like absolute shit inside. You wondered how long you’d feel like absolute shit inside.

“You have a nice night, Jaden.”

The driver waits outside for you and stumbling into the back seat slightly past tipsy and sad is not a good luck. You just wanted your dumb boyfriend to show up. That’s all that you had asked for. And now some dumbass had hit on you and tried to make you feel special and it’s not that that’s what you wanted at all. You didn’t want anyone to make you feel special, you wanted Shawn to be the one to do it. You just wanted him.

The tears began to well up again and before you knew it you were croaking at your driver to head for the nearest place that offered burgers.

“Ma’am that’s not really within my purview.”

You sniffled. “P--Please? I’ll pay whatever overtime there is.”

He looked at you in the mirror and maybe he pitied you a little bit because eventually you wind up parked outside your apartment barefoot with a cheeseburger in one hand and your fancy glass award in the other. The driver helps you to your door because whiskey is a hell of a drink and you spend some time fumbling with your keys before bursting through the door. You tip him double. You’re kind of a shit show; he deserves it.

You’re still munching on your cheeseburger and tripping over the trane of your dress when you stumble upon the flowers and the candles. In all honesty the alcohol is talking and it doesn’t really register in the way that it does. His bags are still on the ground by the door and the deeper you walk into the apartment the more his smell starts to linger in the air. You’d always found that so interesting. Shawn could be in Tokyo or Switzerland or Mexico, but every time he came home he still smelled like him. You loved that.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cupcake in front of him when you arrived. He turned to look at you and you could tell he hadn’t slept or shaved. There were bags beneath his eyes and a scruff on his chin. His hair was messy like he’d been tugging on it. But, he smiled when he saw you, eyes gentle and searching. This was home. Right here with him. Even an intoxicated you knew that.

“W--What are you doing here?”

“I changed the in-person interview to a phone interview. I tried to change my flight earlier to get here in time, I swear to you I did, but...this was the best I could do.” He sighed stepping heasistantly closer to you. “You look so beautiful in that dress, baby.”

Your eyes fluttered down to the ground shifting your weight back and forth on your ankles. The tears were coming again.

“Thanks.” You mumbled blinking down at your toes. “What’s with all the flowers and candles?”

He’s a little closer now. He’s trying to make eye contact with you, but he won’t reach out and touch unless you give him permission. You know that about him.

“I just wanted to show you that I care, that I’m here for you like you’re there for me. I--I wanted to apologize too, for ever making you feel like that wasn’t the case. You have every right to be angry with me. I guess I just wanted to try and make it up to you somehow.”

You don’t say anything back and he takes another step forward until your standing right in front of each other. The burger is long forgotten in your hand and the award feels even heavier in your grasp. He looks a little desperate in his eyes, an expression you don’t see from Shawn very often. He’s nervous. You wonder a little what he sees on your face that makes him feel this way.

“Babe,” His voice cracks around the word. “Y/n. Please, won’t you look at me?”

You sniffle and struggle to tilt your head up at him, but even then you can’t look him in the eye.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen at the dinner?”

A laugh burst past your lips and you wish you knew where the hell it came from.

“Are you drunk?”

He must have smelled the whiskey.

“Maybe.” you shrugged. “Still working on it though.”

You take another bite of the burger and shuffle past Shawn to get to the liquor cabinet in the kitchen. You know he’s directly behind you in the way your body knows when he settles into the bed at night behind you. It’s a sixth sense of some kind.

“Hey can we--can we just talk, please? Tell me what’s going through your head right now.”

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” You mumbled.

“Why? You’re freaking me out, y/n. Just talk to me.”

You don’t raise your voices at each other. It’s a thing that you have. You used to watch your dad yell at your mom when you were a little kid, and truthfully just watched men in various stages of anger. It always made you flinch. You must have confessed it once during a night with a little too much to drink, or a night when he’s made you feel so happy you forgot what a secret even was. He’d never really, intentionally raised his voice before, but after that night he’d purposely kept his voice calm in even the angstiest of times with you. Right now his voice is edging up an octave. It’s not yelling, doesn’t even make you flinch, but you notice that he’s not a hundred percent composed.

You settle your palms against the kitchen counter trying to tether yourself to the room, to the moment. Usually Shawn always did that for you, but right now you’ve never felt more away.

“There was a guy tonight.”

It slips out. It’s like word vomit. Everything you’re thinking is moving much faster than your mouth is capable of, and the whiskey acts as a truth serum to your innermost thoughts. No amount of alcohol in the world could ever make you forget the look on his face when you said it though, the way his mouth just sort of popped open. His palm comes to rest over his heart like maybe just that alone was enough to break him. And suddenly you’re hurting too. You’re hurting more than him missing any dumb banquet could ever accomplish because this is Shawn’s pain. Shawn’s pain always hurts more.

“What does that mean? What do you--what happened?”

“Nothing. Nothing happened. I was just sitting at the bar drinking and he sat down. He told me he loved my work. H--He did research with Trans sex-workers in Atlanta and we talked about that. He’s pro prison abolition. He studied anthropology and political science in undergrad and got his PhD in critical race theory. And he--”

“The point, y/n. Get to the point. So he’s perfect for you is that what you’re trying to tell me? He’s smarter than me, he cares more about human rights, he’s dedicated his life to the same work that you do. What are you saying to me right now?”

He’s freaking out. You’re freaking out.

“Maybe? Yea, maybe he’d be better for me.”

He blinks, shock clear on his face. He thumbs at his lip and those are tears in his eyes. A curl falls down to his forehead, but you know that it’s not your place to fix it right now. Don’t know how you can fix any of it.

“You don’t mean that.”

A tear hits your bottom lip and it shocks you into speech.

“I do. I really do. He’d be a lot better for me. H--He said I was the most beautiful woman in the room tonight.” Your lip trembled, the tears flowing freely now.

He reaches for you palms up, touching gently at the fabric of your dress, but you pull yourself back more firmly against the counter. You’ve gotta get it out while you can and he can’t be touching you or you’ll just fall apart in his hands. You know yourself too well.

“Y--You are beautiful. When have I ever told you you’re not beautiful? Y/n, I love you with all of my heart, why are you doing this?”

“Could you just shut the fuck up for two seconds?!” You snapped fingers pulling anxiously at your hair.

There’s a tear drop hanging off the edge of his chin that your fingers itch to wipe away, but you can’t. Not yet.

“I know my own worth okay? I know my own worth and I know what I deserve and this isn’t it. And it is not because of your career. I--I love what you do, and it makes me so fucking happy to watch you live your dream. I don’t resent your music or your fans or the fame. I can deal with all of it, I swear I can. What I can’t deal with is coming last all of the time. It’s a show and then it’s a music video, an award show, a studio run, and now an interview? The biggest moment of my career and you can’t make it because of an interview?”

“B--But I’m here right now! I came as soon as I could! I am doing my best.”

“Yea? You’re telling me that the night you won your first grammy, if I had skipped it to meet with a client that would have been okay with you?”

He pauses and you know it makes more sense than anything else to him. That situating things in his world will help him see.

“Look none of that matters. None of it matters. Because I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love you.”

He wipes angrily at his eyes with the back of his hand and sniffles.

“What?”

“That guy at the bar? He came up to me and all that I could think about...was you. And how he wasn’t you. And how much all I wanted was for you to come home. Even though I’d spent all afternoon crying over you, I still want you. I would rather have the worst of you than the best of someone else. And that’s fucked up. And I hate that. But, it’s true.”

“So you didn’t--You’re not leaving me?”

“No. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I just want you to want to care about me, I guess. That’s all I ever wanted.”

When he reaches for you this time you let him. When he wraps his arms around you and tucks you under his chin it’s instant warmth, instant safety, and instant healing. Really all it takes is for him to be present to soothe you, and that’s all you’d been trying to say from the beginning.

Neither of you talk that night. You’re too busy holding each other in bed. He’s still in his jeans and t-shirt from the plane and you don’t even take your dress off. It’s a little hard to remember all of the pain when you’re re-familiarizing yourself with his scent. When his fingers are in your hair or drawing shapes along your spine. You know that it’s late and that you should definitely be asleep but you fight it every step of the way because finally he’s here with you and you’re not ready to give that up yet. And with your head perched against his chest listening to the rhythm of his heart and the sound of his breath, you know that he isn’t either. Somehow though, even after the different time zones and the flights, he’s going to out last you and you both know it. The last thing you remember is his lips touching your ear.

“Go to sleep. I swear to you I’ll be here when you wake up.”

His arms tightened around you and that was all it took.

When you wake up it’s because the sun is lighting up the room again. There are blown out candles everywhere and more rose petals on the bed. A headache blooms behind your eyelids and you almost forget everything that happened the night before. But when your eyes open Shawn’s still sitting there against the headboard, arms and legs crossed, like he hadn’t moved all night.

“Did you sleep?” You croaked, voice still tired from the booze and crying.

He shook his head softly. “Couldn’t.”

It takes a little bit for you to sit up. You’re body already feels old and you’re not even thirty yet as you hunch yourself into a sitting position on your knees. Your dress bunches around your thighs and the slit comes to rest dangerously high, your lace underwear sticking slightly out. In a simpler world that would’ve been Shawn’s focus. But you’re not there yet.

Shawn’s not looking at you when he speaks initially. It’s quiet, no movement in the room except for the dust motes twirling in the air. And even when he speaks the room still feels too still.

“I spent all night trying to figure out what to do.” He started. “I thought about...about what it would feel like to let you go? If that guy was truly better for you.”

You sighed. “Shawn he was just some random guy at the bar. It didn’t mean anything.”

“But it did, didn’t it? It’s not the guy, it’s about what he can offer you. What any other normal guy could offer you that I’m not. And if I loved you, if I really loved you wouldn't I give you that? Shouldn’t my main priority be to make you happy?”

He’s scaring you now. And maybe you deserve it. Maybe he’s been waiting all this time to call it quits to decide that it’s not worth it to try and meld your lives together anymore.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying I’m not as good of a person as I thought I was. Because I can’t give you up. I don’t--I don’t want to give you up. I love you more than anyone I’ve ever loved. I can’t even imagine my life not intertwined with yours.

“Last night was the worst night of my life. To know that I haven’t shown you the love that you deserve kills me. Loving you is all I’ve ever wanted. And I’m not even doing it right.” He sighed finally turning to look at you with tears in his eyes. “Y/n I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to...I just want to deserve you.”

Your minds must be in sync because you both reach for each other at the same time. There’s crying and you’re both trying to hold each other’s faces and wipe away tears at the same time. It’s ridiculous and sappy but it’s so fucking nourishing .

“I love you.” He whimpered against your mouth. “I’m so sorry. I’m gonna make it better, I promise.”

He starts with breakfast in the kitchen. You're both still in clothes from the night before. And while your eating his scrambled eggs and toast you hear him sit in the living room and talk to Andrew for over thirty minutes to change his schedule around. You don’t realize that’s what he’s doing until you start hearing the “no’s” over and over again. When he comes back to you he nuzzles his head against yours kissing crumbs away from your lips.

“I talked to Andrew.” He explained. “I’m gonna take a few weeks off instead of promo between legs. And when the tour is finished we’re gonna sit down and re-evaluate my schedule. And I--I’d like you to be there if you want. Maybe you can bring your schedule and we can coordinate times to just be together?”

It was such a drastic shift that you just sort of stared at him for a minute, lips parted, eyes wide.

“Just us?”

He reaches for your fingers and brings them to his lips.

“Yea. Just us. I was actually gonna ask if you might want to go on a trip with me.”

“A trip to where?”

“I uh I hadn’t actually gotten that far, but I figured we could pick together.” He smiled. “Just wanna be with you for a little while.”

“Shawn,” You sighed. “You don’t have to do all of this. I don’t need the world alright? I just need you. It’s all I ever wanted.”

“Yea well, what if I wanna give you both?”

He pecked quickly at your lips and down to the crook of your neck.

“The only reason I should ever make you cry should be from cumming so hard it brings tears to your eyes. I’ve got a lot of loss time to make up for, but I’d really like to try if you’ll let me.”

You peek over at him and it’s just as well. He really is the devil in the body of a god. It’s so fucking rude.

“Yea well I’m not gonna say no to that so just fucking take me already.”

And take you he did.

TBC

taglist: @shawnieeeeboy

[kuntrabida]

2. the axon snaps and thoughts can’t travel (a rant abt COVID-19, senior year spring, and college in the fall)

12 may 2020

the gap year. the fall sem. the jump cut. the FUTURE. much on my mind right now folks lmao (prob folk in singular since like one (1) person’s gonna read this ashvcxjkv)

okay so let’s break this DOWN ig. yea LET’S unpack my inner psyche and my mental baggage at this point because i’m sure that i can’t be the only one feeling this way and even if i am, i’d like to get it off my chest and not rant to the same five people who’ve heard me talk about the same sad subject throughout the entire duration of quarantine asdjfkvcxufdsw

let’s start with senior year haHA :) still haven’t gotten over that xoxo even tho i’ve tricked myself into thinking that i have! gonna refer to it as ye olde Jump Cut because that’s exactly what all this feels like... like mother nature just threw the video file of my high school experience into a fuckinn Premiere timeline or smth and slammed her fist on the W key (an esoteric reference, i know, i know, my bad, but iykyk). 

THE JUMP CUT – senior year’s over and i know it’s a stupid fucking thing to be upset about during a LITERAL GLOBAL PANDEMIC where people are losing and risking their lives and entire livelihoods are being upended but i still... can’t help but feel upset and terrified and devastated about what i’ve always viewed as this buffer period in my life between high school and college to just VIBE and figure myself out a little bit more being cut short. especially when, for once, things were going so well.  

god, the last thing i wanna do is sound dramatic and utterly tone deaf because I RECOGNIZE my privilege and how incredibly fortunate i am to have a roof over my head and food in my fridge and a bed with a damn duvet cover to sleep in at night but i’m... so fucking sad. i’ve BEEN so fucking sad, and i think what’s even worse is the fact that i’ve been DENYING how fucking sad i’ve been feeling because i don’t think i’m... allowed to be sad in this situation? but at the same time i consciously understand that my feelings are valid and everything... it just feels like legitimately everything else in the world right now dwarfs all my concerns combined. but alas. here i am, making a blog post about my feelings to finally try and sort them out...

i just aghsdfhxhzjlk i wasn’t finished. that really is the best way to put it. i wasn’t finished with any of it. and i suppose a lot of that is my own fault for taking all the good times for granted (but also lowkey the fault of idek who... american society? for romanticizing and commodifying the culmination of high school oop)/

i feel like so many people focus on those big milestone events associated with senior year: prom, graduation, senior awards, etc. but to me personally, and to nearly every one of the friends i’ve talked to, it’s the little things that matter most — the absence of which we feel the deepest. i miss spilling coffee on myself in the cafeteria and burning frozen pastries in the toasters and complimenting people’s outfits in the hallways and staying in the building from dawn till dusk and eating takeout on the floor and hastily texting my friends at the end of the school day asking if they wanted to hang out or if they could give me a ride home and i MISS spontaneous sushi and starbucks excursions and quiet heart to hearts in coffee shops and last minute target runs and stressing out about music events and belting in the practice rooms and learning choreography in parking lots where confused drivers would momentarily glance over and just KEEP ON DRIVING and lying on the ground in one of the school’s hallways facing the sun when the light would hit JUST RIGHT through the glass and i could close my eyes and pretend i was at the beach or on an island or in a canyon somewhere or SOMETHING, anywhere, anywhere but there. and i feel this chasm in my throat whenever i think about it because looking back at those moments, i realize that there’s literally no place i’d rather be right now than inside my high school building on a normal ass day dealing with normal ass problems with exceptional, radiant, life-giving souls there to have my back and support me and hug me wow, GOD, hug me. wow how i miss hugs. and I miss my friends. shit. 

hell bro i even miss the days where everything would become a little too much for me and i’d have to find recluse in a digital media classroom and the scent of old lemon-laced coffee grounds as they brewed into dingy styrofoam cups and wandered through the halls with me during the period, into the music room where i literally grew UP and found my voice and discovered validity in my own identity and all that JAZZ and into the bathrooms where i’d spend such subtle, unsuspecting mornings with friends still practically sleepwalking and FUCK bro. frankly i’m just not ready to jump into a life where all the things i hold dear are “remember when”s. i can’t imagine this entire world that i’ve built for myself being a thing of the past, a thing that i’ll look back on as one of the best fucking times of my life even though i never realized it when it mattered, a thing i still want so so so much more of, that i am not and may not ever be ready to let go. i want it all back. but i know getting upset over it is a futile pursuit, because there’s nothing i can do, and that just fuels this feedback cycle of anger and hopelessness and denial and back again. 

i do think of that good ol’ winnie the pooh quote, though. “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” but it doesn’t really make anything hurt any less. and i guess i’m just tired of hurting lol. 

THE FUTURE – dawg what the fuck is happening with colleges in the United States right now bro what is the protocol what do i DO¿

pretty damn self explanatory. my defense mechanism has ALWAYS been, “at least things will be better a couple months from now!!!!” and yeah, with university and the reality of getting to attend my dream college fast approaching i did believe that for a hot second but CORONA DAWG CORONA just plunges everything into the sea of uncertainty. i know i’m not the only one frustrated by this damn virus and i should be comforted by the unity we all have in our confusion but lmao i do not feel any better! no! one! has! any! answers! asdjfkvlcxvjl being a graduating high school and incoming college student right now is so FUCKING confusing and frightening and once again i want to acknowledge what an incredible privilege it is to even have the option of a higher education open to me but it’s such a multifaceted and unpredictable issue this year and thinking about the future — again my go-to defense mechanism and at the very least a worthy consideration since i’ll be putting down hella dollars for it — has been the cause of so much stress... 

THE FALL SEM – i! don’t! know! if! it’s! gonna! be! on!line! and i am not planning on staying in my house any longer for a goddamn variety of reasons soo i have no clue how to plan for this! no one does right now! 

our administration keeps affirming that we’re planning for a return to normalcy in the fall semester but a considerable amount of students and experts alike are saying that it’s essentially a cover so no one’ll panic and decline or defer their acceptances. SO MANY OTHER COLLEGES are revealing their contingency plans to have an online semester and ahaHA if i have to STAY in this HOUSE for ANOTHER 4 MONTHS that would FRICKIN SUCK DAWG lmaO i’ll leave it at that! so i’m: very much panicking! 

i know that things are so uncertain right now and there’s really no point in trying to predict what’s going to happen in the next couple of months because so many unknowns remain. i know that a lot of universities are gonna be in deep shit if they don’t open in the fall but at the same time, if it’s a damn public health risk it’s definitely better to keep as many people home as possible. but i have no CLUE what institutions are gonna end up doing and again, literally no one does either! i was listening to a podcast yesterday about university plans for the upcoming academic year and i got asdhvjckxv so stressed when they said that we could be one week away from the start of the school year and things could still be drastically different the next week... there’s just no way of knowing much of anything and god i hate that. it’s making me so goddamn anxious. 

i really doubt things are going to be back to normal in New York in the fall sooo...? i don’t know man again it comes down to asking people questions they don’t have the answers to and that’s just incredibly frustrating because i just want to know ONE THING for certain right now. ONE THING! idk i just wish that my college would be a little more transparent about their plans as they move along and figure things out but i know that’s not feasible. at the very least i hope things will be safe enough for them to make dorming on campus an option — freshmen have a pretty ample amount of singles available anyway. but if i have to spend the first semester of college onLINE in THIS HOUSE that’s... gonna suck. especially because i’m still probably going to be paying thousands of dollars for it which is, as my grandmother says, foul! 

THE GAP YEAR – to defer or not to defer? that is the question. 

so naturally in preparation for a potentially wonky ass academic year i’m considering deferring enrollment. but lmao... the deadline to do so is in uh *checks watch* three (3) literal days so. don’t know about that chief! 

like, i know i’m PROBABLY NOT gonna end up taking a gap year. but i guess it’s just the fact that i have so much more canvas space to daydream about it that makes it so appealing... there are so many more possibilities that i can think of that are more likely to��be open to me. then again, nothing’s guaranteed. not even my own health in the fall. which is also pretty fuckin scary as hell.

y’all wanna know where i get my gap year daydream fuel? UNJADED JADE. bruh i’ve been binging her videos like MAD especially the ones where she interrails Europe during her gap year and UGH. it seems incredible. and that makes things even more confusing because i really don’t know what the right decision to make is right now. to defer or not to defer... 

again it’s all so heavily influenced by unknowns. of all the things that could happen, i’d much prefer to have a regular freshman year fall with the people in my class whom i’ve already been getting to know pretty well through groupchats and social media and the like. they’re a pretty dope bunch and i think college with them is gonna be a hoot and a goddamn half. but if i’ll end up just staying home and watching zoom lectures in my basement anyway... i’d much rather be taking a gap year. 

and i’ve been brainstorming what i’d do during this gap year (again, thanks Unjaded Jade for the god-tier content agh) and there’s just like... so many options. i could get a goddamn JOB and start saving up for tuition instead of paying tens of thousands for online school. hell with the money i make working full time i could probably save up enough to afford an apartment so at the very least i could move out of my house into a place where i feel more comfortable. and lmao I: s a l i v a t e at the thought of using that time to focus on my writing, too. the amount of writing i could get done in a year of empty calendar space... glorious. what an utterly glorious prospect. 

and of course, i’d love to fucking travel, volunteer (with a reputable and well-intentioned organization) in a foreign country, do a workstay abroad, take a train across america, but again, i don’t even know if any of that’s going to be feasible in the fall. it’s so FRUSTRATING because i’ll think of a possibility and then another one comes in and completely shuts the former down. 

and it’s not like i can ask anyone for advice right now because we’re ALL none the wiser. plus, i’ve realized that frankly, even if it’s unreasonable, i don’t want anyone to tell me that my plans for a gap year aren’t feasible. it’s such a petulant thing to say... but i don’t want anyone to add to my sense of there being a limited amount of options that i can take advantage of because everything’s already so goddamn stifling as is. i guess the prospect of a gap year excites me so much because it seems like a year where i don’t have to be defined by anyone or anything but myself. and that’s so fucking liberating. 

i just want the freedom to imagine right now because that’s when i feel happiest, but at the same time i’m afraid to get my hopes up for anything because i have this sinking feeling that the absolute worst case scenario is going to become reality. lmao. people in my state aren’t even fucking social distancing correctly so i’m damn sure that we’re in for a second and a third wave and that’s gonna suck but people are stupid as hell :)  

lol on that positive note, thanks for reading this... increasingly depressing and chaotic rant. don’t really think i’m doing this “blog” stuff right but if you got this far, i love you. leave a note if you so please, comment your thoughts, reblog if you’d like (still don’t really understand the difference between reblogging and reposting on this app but lmao feel free to click the boxy arrow thing), and stay safe and healthy and all that jazz <3

[greensleevesredlipstick]

i dreamed a dream

fic based on this ask where they're in the school play les mis together. howard is cosette, boleyn is fantine, parr is eponine, cleves is madame thenardier, aragon is sister simplicity, and jane is the stage manager/director (im not a theater person whatsoever so im not gonna lie, idk the difference). hope u all enjoy!!! any other fic prompts feel free to send :)

jane arrived to the auditorium first. it was their first show after an exhausting tech week, but she was excited to see the cast and crew’s hard work pay off. the long days, nights they had to order pizza to the school instead of getting home cooked meals, and early mornings, would all be worth it. It was her senior year and the drama teacher, Mr. Tudor, was finally letting her make her directorial debut. as the others trickled in, Jane greeted them nervously. the crew was in place, making sure the lighting was just right. she saw most of the cast in their dressing rooms getting ready but when she did a headcount, she noticed that one was missing. catherine aragon, a sophomore, said “pretty sure it’s anne who’s late. again”. Jane caught her tone of annoyance, but didn’t have time to dissect it. she had to make sure that everything else was in order. as she crossed the hall to the other changing room, anne nearly ran her over. out of breath, she started to apologize to Jane. Jane had to laugh; they had been in shows together since Anne was a freshman and she was a sophomore and she could count the occasions anne was on time on one hand. she pushed her friend into the dressing room warning her that she “better be dressed in time, or else” and tried her best to be menacing. Anne laughed, and Jane continued on to the next room. As she walked away, she mused over the contrast between anne and her character. she was able to flip the switch from anne the chaotic teenager to fantine the heartbroken mother in an instant. she wondered where inside Anne that emotion came from, and resolved to have at least one heart to heart with her friends in the future. in the meantime, she had work to do. 

 When she pushed on the door to the second dressing room, she found that it was locked. She frowned. none of the doors were supposed to be locked; there were people coming and going constantly. she jiggled the handle, but it refused to give way. she heard the voice of anna cleves, a junior who had only joined drama club that year. anna said nervously “give us a minute, please”. annoyed, Jane responded “look, I guess you don’t know how things work around here but-”. the door swung open and anna swiftly pulled her inside. jane quickly caught sight of katherine howard, one of the leads, crying in the corner of the room. she was only a sophomore and Mr. Tudor had doubted her ability, but jane had insisted on casting her as cosette. Jane had gotten to know the young girl, and had been blown away by her talent and poise-which is why she was so confused as she watched anna wrap her arms around the younger girl as she sobbed. she locked the door behind her and said softly, “what’s wrong, Kat?”. Katherine took a shaky breathe and said “it’s nothing, please don’t worry about me. I know how busy you are.” Over her girlfriend’s shoulder, Anna mouthed “stage fright”. Jane said “honey, let me do the worrying. everyone gets nervous sometimes, its only natural. you have nothing to be ashamed of”. Kat choked out “I’m 16, for gods sake. people get stage fright when they’re in like, fifth grade. not one of the leads in high school. whatever, I’ll be fine. just leave me alone. Actually Anna, you can go and get ready too. I’ll be fine”. Anna pulled her closer and said firmly “i’m not going anywhere” and Jane added “me neither. tell us what’s going on. you’ve been in shows before, haven't you?”. there was a long pause. finally Kat said “yea, I have. but this one feels different. I know that Mr. Tudor didn’t want me here, and I think some of the upperclassmen are mad at me for taking the lead from them. I can’t go on stage and then mess up and prove them right because they’ll all laugh and then I just don’t know what I would do”. katherine was breathing heavily. “shhhhh, it’s okay babe.” said Anna, rocking her girlfriend.  Jane jumped in “hey, I have a lot of pressure on me, too. I knew that you were up to the role or I would have given it to someone else. You’re the most talented, powerful, graceful performer that i’ve seen. Don’t worry about proving the rest of them wrong, go out there and prove me right”. She gave Katherine’s arm a squeeze. Just then, there was a banging on the door. “Can someone let me in please???” Jane recognized Anne’s voice. “I kind of uh...can’t find my costume. Is it in there??” kat let out a little laugh. “i’ll be fine, really. Jane, you definitely have other things to be doing.” Jane glanced at Anna and said “well actually...” anna said “i’ve got this. go.” with one more concerned glance at Kat, Jane left to help Anne (and get the rest of the 50+ cast and crew together). Alone again in the room, Kat and Anna put their foreheads together. Katherine’s breath slowly returned to normal, but she still looked pale. Katherine finally brought her eyes up to meet Anna’s. Anna said simply “I believe in you, babe. pretend you’re singing just in the shower, and you’ll blow them all away”. Katherine exhaled, and they slowly started to get ready together.

in the wings, catherine parr and aragon ran through their lines together. although parr was a senior and aragon was only a sophomore, they had become fast friends during rehearsals. parr often tutored aragon in the courses she had already taken, and aragon repayed her with ice cream from her dad’s store. they looked out into the audience and were filled with nervous anticipation at the size of the crowd. they scurried backstage to put the finishing touches on their costume, whispering to the others about the full house. as the curtain rose and the opening notes to “look down” all of Jane and the rest of the cast/crew’s work fell into place. 

For Katherine, the show was a blur. she saw bits and pieces; the melody of “heart full of love”, the red white and blue of the waving flags, and the roar of the crowd. when they took their final bow, she grabbed anna’s hand extra tight. she squeezed, and anna squeezed back. as the cast headed off stage, boleyn scurried off to her locker down the hallway. as Jane stepped on stage to take her bow, anne proudly presented her with a bouquet of flowers. she beamed as she listened to the crowd roar for one of her closest friends. once the cast finally changed out of their costumes and seen their friends and family, Anne announced “POST GAME AT MY HOUSE!!!”. the group cheered loudly, but groaned when Jane said “we’re back here at 11AM, so I don’t want to hear about anything too crazy”. Cleves chimed in “you won’t have to hear about it, you’re coming.” “that's right” parr declared. “you’re with us”. They piled into the senior’s cars and headed to Anne’s house, thrilled with how the show had gone.

Jane, ever the responsible one, spoke to each of the drivers and made sure that they weren’t drinking. parr and her were both designated drivers, but they still joined in the fun. anne was predictably the life of the party, climbing on top of her kitchen counter and belting out the lyrics to chicago’s “cell block tango”. Aragon rolled her eyes at boleyn’s rowdiness, but didn’t let that stop her from dancing with the rest of them. after a drink or two, Jane even spotted boleyn and aragon doing their synchronized choreography to “dancing queen”, the previous years production, together. anna and katherine danced together in the corner. anna laughed softly. new to the theatre scene, she said “only theatre kids would drink to ABBA”. they swayed together, offbeat from the rest of the cast, but they didn't care. anna pulled katherine closer and said “I’m so proud of you, babe. you nailed it, and you made me proud”. Kat added “as a plus, I didn’t ruin Jane’s night”. as they kissed, “seasons of love” began to play. they swayed together as the rest of the cast belted out “five hundred twenty five thousand...”

[writeinmysoul]

Okay. Honestly. I wish I had a Jonathan Van Ness. Because I haven’t the slightest clue how to take care of my hair. And I’m so sick of it. I’ve been wearing my adorable Stitch hat all week cause it looks a mess. And idk what to do. I cut it all off a year ago cause I couldn’t take care of it properly. But even with really short hair, idkkkk how to take care of it.

I fucking hate having black people hair when I don’t know how to treat it right. How to prevent it from being super dry or rough. Idk what products to use. And despite my family being full of females, I don’t have anyone to help or teach me. I never had. Which is part of why I cut it off. But this is driving me insane. I don’t know what black hair products to use.

I was watching the Black Girls Magic episode. And I relate to everything she said so hard. Like, my whole life being told I’m not black enough. They told me I wasn’t black because of my music tastes, because of how bright skinned I was, because of how I talked. And to this day, I forget that I am actually black. I forget that other people know I am. Cause even in my family, yea it was mostly jokes, but it was so common and so often, that I forget that yea, it’s obvious I’m black until someone comments on it. And I hate saying “I’m black,” because I don’t feel like I belong in the black community cause I was never really apart of it, and even though white people in school would also joke and say I’m white because of my skin or my music, I didn’t really belong there. And I just, never fit anywhere.

And now on campus, every time someone mentions the fact that I’m black, especially another black person, it surprises me that they know. That they can tell. That they claim me because I’m so not used to it. Every single time. And I’m like, oh yea, I am. Wild. And I still don’t know much about even what it means to be black because even though I grew up in a family of black people, I was the lightest, my mother and brother were lightskin too, but I was the brightest. And all of my aunts and literally everyone else were darker skinned, so I got the brunt of all the white jokes. And no one stopped to ever actually teach me what it means to be black or how to take care of my fucking hair bro.

I’m so off topic right now. Anyway. I just wanna know how to take care of my hair. What products to use. How. When. How often. Why. How to keep it up. How to talk to a barber about what I want done since I’ve refused to go because I don’t know how to talk to one. So I’ve just been going to my old beautician. And she’s done fine, but it’s not the kinda of haircuts i need since she’s not an actual barber. I just want to know what to do cause this is wildly uncomfortable for me.

Like, I had a perm most of my life. Til I was in 10th grade and I was so tired of them, so I went natural. Which suckedddd cause I still didn’t know how to take care of my hair before then. Let alone after. And mother forced me into getting weave and braids the entire year. And I hateddd them sooo much. She didn’t know how to take care of or do hair either, so whenever we couldn’t afford to get it done, it was just stuck in a crappy ponytail cause once it was nappy, I would not comb through it myself because I’m way too tender headed. And my hair would never grow consistently cause we’d get it to grow a lot, then it wouldn’t get done the entire summer because money, and it’d be so broken off, I’d have to cut it again. And it was ridiculous. I just wanna know how to take care of my hair bro.

[pragmaticoptomism-blog]

You ever watch a really good movie and when it’s over and the silence swallows the room, you can feel everyone slowly adjusting to reality again?

You hear popcorn start to shake and drinks rattling around as one by one, the audience leaves the theater. 

Except you look up and you’re the only one in the theater?

I feel so many emotions all at once and they even completely negate each other, sometimes. 

I wanted to make a space for myself to vent because I think it’s taking a toll on my friendships and that’s the last thing I want to do. I sound like a broken record, probably. I also feel like I don’t really know who I am or what people’s intensions are towards me. I feel like nothing is real, lately. I feel like it’s easy to accept this when you have someone- a lover, because everyone else is at arms length in some way because no one is closer to you than the person you love. But when that person doesn’t exist anymore, it’s easy to see things either for what they really are or to take things too seriously/personally. I haven’t figured out the answer to that yet.

But, I wanted to make an honest space for myself. I feel like the past 2 years of my life have been completely unraveling everything I knew, or didn’t know would be a better description. I tried to make a new account, and couldn’t because my most recent email was already used. I don’t even remember making this account, but after reading the 5 posts that were on here- I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or just sit here and shake my head back in forth in silence staring at my tv with that 70′s show on unable to even have a next thought. 

I feel like this post should be a summary to fill in the gap.

One day I was at school, having a hotel party with my classmates. I wanted to sleep early and Bernie said he did too. We went to bed. I woke up to him a little close behind me, but it was nice and it was familiar, in the way that at home was the first man I’ve ever loved for so long and always slept next to like that. We were having problems, I felt like he didn’t love me anymore for my present self- just the old past memories we had. And in the moment, being with this man that only knew me as present me and sleeping next to me- it was almost nice. I clicked my phone alarm off to sleep for a few more minutes, and I felt Bernie move closer to me. He kissed the back of my neck. My eyes could not have opened wider, I clicked my phone to look at the time because I felt frozen emotionally, mentally, physically, really- in every way. My heart was pounding out of my chest!! What the fuck??? And also why the fuck did I not punch him right in his face? I got up and went to the bathroom. I went through my normal routine, washed my face- brushed my teeth. Christina came in the bathroom. I started doing my makeup and kept looking over at her every few seconds to stare at her face while she brushed her teeth. Finally I said Christina listen and I turned on the faucet as loud as it could as we usually did to drown out our voices so the guys couldn’t hear us. 

I told her what happened and her face froze with disbelief? surprise? and then she laughed so hard, mostly in disbelief. She made kissy noises at me after that to make fun of it. & We laughed about it. But that really was the start of a fucking insane roller coster of MENTAL FUCKARY THAT IS CURRENTLY RUINING MY FUCKING LIFE ON A DAILY BASIS FOR THE PAST ???? IDK WHAT EVEN HAS IT BEEN? 2 YEARS? IS THAT REAL?

I should of told Tom. I should of told Bernie that was unacceptable. I should of told Christina it wasn’t funny. I should of done a lot of things. For the next 2-3 weeks, he was just more flirty around me. I ignored it, but I didn’t confront it. I felt overwhelming insane crazy guilt for his actions for about a month because of Tom. Tom & I’s relationship was coming to an end and I didn’t want to tell Tom about any of this because then it would have seemed like, to Tom, that Bernie or another person or whatever was the reason for it’s end. When in reality and to this day, it was never about that. He’s not stupid and he probably knew things that I don’t even know now that he knows from then. But, we broke up. It went to a place in my mind and my heart where I felt completely numb. It was literally locked away so deep into my mind that even still now, it feels like when I try to access that part of my memory- that there’s someone on the other end physically tugging it back until I get distracted by something else and stop thinking about it. After Tom & I broke up, Bernie & I started meeting after school on Sundays one on one in the car to talk, sometimes go to the mall. I remember once we kissed and it was a complete lust-ful horny kiss coming from him and this should of been my first sign but at the time- I wanted a quick rebound hook up and this was just easy. I didn’t want to do anything sexual, so I didn’t. He would just sit there and bitch that he has blue balls, “come onnnn” he would say!!  What the fuck is wrong with me? 

I remember the first time I agreed to come over his house. He said he would take me apple picking. Way after that, I asked him once about what went through his mind when I said okay I’ll come over. He said that he re-read it two or three times in disbelief and quickly cleaned up his room and was nervous and excited. I drove myself 1.5 hours to Jersey City NJ, a new place I’ve never been before. The neighborhood looked kinda run down. I pulled up and parallel parked. I texted him, I’m here! & He came downstairs and met me at my car to walk me inside. I walked into the house and walked up the creeky stairs, he turned on the light that would flicker on for a few seconds before actually being on. I walked in the room, and went to put my bag down on the ground and he took me and threw me on the bed. He started kissing me and I mumbled through the kiss woahhh already?! and I’m glad that I don’t remember what his response was. We had sex and it wasn’t really good. It was fun? I guess? As much fun as you could have when your emotionally crippled in reality but denying legit every aspect of that? Eventually he came and he got one of his shirts out of the laundry bin so I could clean myself off. I put my clothes back on and I don’t even remember the rest of the night at all. That night was Thursday. The next day we went and got breakfast, hung out. <- repeat till Saturday morning. I was awake basically all night and I told him I needed to leave Sat morning. He said okay and walked me to the car. I wanted to go home but as I started to drive, I just started to cry. After about 10 minutes, I was sobbing and couldn’t see the road. I pulled over into this industrial type of street and couldn’t stop crying. I felt broken inside. I called Bernie and apologized but explained the situation. He said to come back and I did. He told me to move to the passenger seat and he got into the drivers seat and my sobbing turned to regular crying. I told him I was crying because I was picturing going home and dealing with Tom not being there, and that I was scared to finally be alone and face that. He told me he would bring me where he likes to go when he’s upset, to get Ramen. He drove me to this place called Mitsua marketplace in Edgewater NJ. We sat and ate ramen and he said a bunch of shit that made me feel better. I stayed over another night. The next morning, he was getting dressed and was going apple picking with his friends. I wasn’t invited. I got dressed and finally drove back home to Long Island and we never went apple picking together. 

Again, what the fuck is wrong with me?

The next month was spent getting really close to each other really quickly, but never getting that type of intimate closeness/security. I felt like he was hiding something, or maybe even everything from me- all the time. I felt like when I would leave, he would go back to a completely different life than what he lived while I was there. Yet, I had nothing- no physical proof- to feel this way. I made sure to never say anything out loud that would make it seem like I wanted a relationship. One weekend, I told him I got asked out on a date. (By a guy named Liam) and he looked and sounded like he could not care less. He said something like, if that’s what you want to do- do it! I said okay, I’m going to go on the date, I just felt like you should know. (at this point in time, I was trying to keep emotional distance- obv failing a bit, and also unsure of what his intensions were). I told Liam yea and we were suppose to go out eventually, but shit kept coming up. The next time I was at Bernie’s for the weekend was New Years Weekend of 2018. He took me to lunch with his mother and he took me to his friends house for a NYE party. I was so fucking confused, but I felt stupid for feeling confused. In my head, I was thinking idk this is probably normal- we’re just friends with benefits he said? but why am i here with his mom and best friends? whats going on? maybe i do want this? 

At his friends house, I had a lot of fun with his friends Tony, Chris, Julia, and Jen. Julia and I split a bottle of wine and Jen took a bunch of pictures- always being warm and welcoming to me as apparently the new member of this group. I remember him taking a pic of us together on the couch on snapchat and then deleting it. I had a few drinks, and so I asked him why he didn’t send it anywhere. He said where would I send it to. I said why not to our school snap? He ignored that. Now in my head I felt so confused and stupid, ashamed a little even or embarrassed because obviously if he doesn't want to send a snap of us together to our school snapchat group- then we aren’t anything more than friends with benefits, as I sit next to him wrapped in his arm on his friends couch on my 2/3rd night spent with him????? Again, what the fuck is wrong with me!!!!!

I have no memory on specifics of how we eventually were a couple outwardly. I remember hiding it in school, taking separate cars for a while, and then eventually- we didn’t hide it. I spend so much time slowly drifting farther and farther away from all my friends in the class. Bernie didn’t want to eat with them because his skin was bad, the sun would bother him, the bugs were outside, it was too warm out, too cold out, new medicine, new lotion, didn't shower yet, showered already. Whatever the fuck reason. So I would feel bad, and go eat with him away from everyone else. We wouldn't even have fun. He would be mad at me for something and we would silently watch Netflix eating lunch. Once he flipped the fuck out because his sandwich was made with cheese and he threw it against the wall in the classroom downstairs (no one else was there yet). & I would feel like all this behavior was my fault. I would write notes in my phone reminding me to “be easy on him, be his peace, he works hard”. I’d be so mad at myself for asking “who’s that” when I saw a girls name on his snap friends or texts that I didn’t recognize the name, and he would get so fucking pissed. “A friend” Example of my note from my phone:

“It makes you upset because you’re scared to loose him to anything. But the reality is you won’t. It’s just 1% of the time. It’s temporary- in the future, you’ll prob always be around him. Eventually you’ll live together. It’s something that makes him happy, look past the worrying. It’s possible new friends you can have too, who have their own lives, too. He gives you no reason to distrust. He loves you. You’re better than those girls (ha!!!). So just wait it out, reset, & repeat. Be happy, live YOUR life, stop thinking about what he might be doing when he hangs out with those girls and be happy you’ll get to see him again.”

Again, what the fuckkkkkkkk was or is wrong with me?!?!?!?! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

So Capstone 1 rolls around and we both fail it. 3 people in the class failed and we (both top of our class) failed it. (wow wonder fuckin why) I studied my ass off to re-take this exam and was up near school most of the time. I stayed by my classmates houses, Sammie & Anisha. Bernie had family over visiting and he was driving to DC with them and was busy, so during this time he was mostly MIA and I wasn’t allowed to stay there. He met up with us one day to study in this one room on the floor at school. I remember that feeling hitting me- somethings different, hes going to break up with you. He complimented that my hair looked soft. I asked him if he wanted to go get food before he had to leave, he said no he really had to go- and left. My panic set in like fucking crazy and I just tried to shove it down as far as I could so that I could concentrate on retaking my capstone exam. When I got to his house- I stayed over his house the night before capstone since he offered, he showed me that he had made me my own drawer. He put some things I accidently left there in it. He said now I can have my own space there to feel comfortable. That made me so happy, but inside I was so confused and axious because he was so different I could sense it but couldnt put it into words why. So I would try to explain to him, and he would deny it- everythings fine etc you have no examples what are you even saying. I laid there sobbing and got up and collected my things to go anywhere else- maybe Christinas maybe Anishas, all I knew was I needed to get the fuck away and concentrate to pass my retake exam the next day. He looked over and saw me doing that and finally gave me physical touch and grabbed me, pulled me close, and said come on you need sleep and played with my hair and that was one of the very few times of sincere feelings of connecting on a deeper level of intimacy that I can remember from my whole relationship with Bernie. We woke up next morning and took our test and I remember saying good luck to him and whatnot and he treated it extremely weird and formal . and I assumed it was because it was a serious situation- this retake. We both passed. I was so relieved. I got in his car (he drove me there) and we discussed our retakes. I asked him what he wanted to do with the rest of the day and if I could buy him a celebratory drink. He said uhhhh idk. I was like oh are you busy? He was like yea sorry. & I tried so hard to accept that and leave it. After about 20 min of silence, I asked... what are you busy with? And he said something like idk yet and I was like why dont you want to hangout with me? and he said welp I guess this is ganna be talked about then since you wont just let it be. & He stone cold, facing forward the whole time, zero eye contact at all, broke up with me. “This just isn’t what I want anymore. I just don’t love you anymore. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do, I just don’t love you.” I asked him 500 million thousand questions, considering it was still about a half hour drive to his house, where my car and belongings were. I asked him since when? But you never told me you were unhappy? Can you just tell me specifics so I can work on myself? He didn’t provide answers. He just said he didn’t love me anymore. We got to his house and I put my backpack in my trunk. I went upstairs and collected my things, including everything from the drawer he just gave me that same weekend. He stood there and (finally) switched from cold to looked upset as he watched me get my shit. I walked downstairs and he walked behind me. I put all my things in my car, and I grabbed this stuffed animal from my backseat that he gave me and handed it back to him as I choked on my own tears and snot. He looked shocked that I gave it to him. He said “But i got this for you!” and i said why would you think I would want to keep this? He said if you’re sure alright and looked really upset. I shut the door to my car and he walked back inside. I drove to Staten Island and sobbed to Mike and eventually Christina when she was done with work.

We had about a month’s break until school again. I felt so so so so so so so down. I could not stop crying. My head was beating from crying. I couldn’t eat. I lost so much weight because I legit had 0 appetite. I couldn’t sleep. I laid in my bed desperately trying to sleep, would fall asleep for just enough time to have a dream about him and wake up sobbing. I would re-read old messages over and over to convince myself that it happened, he was real, I wasn’t crazy. I felt like the relationship was made up in my mind and that I was the only one who endured it. At work one day I asked for closure and I sat in the car after my shift and read to him my note I typed out asking what I did or what happened. He provided no answers yet again and said I just dont love you. I felt like a fuckin zombie. I remember asking him one day if we could still snowboard or still play overwatch together and him saying he would think about it. Eventually he happened to invite me into a game on overwatch the same night Liam asked me to get Ralphs ices. I played some games with him then said I had to go and logged off to get Ralphs. Soon, we had school. We were still in the same hotel room. We tried to act normal, and would talk here or there. OR he would talk, I would ignore. He made comments to me like “An amazing girl got me these” and it was boxers I had bought him. He bought my favorite wine one night to the hotel and brought it to where it was in my site and poured a glass then asked if I wanted some. I said no. We went and got taco bell with classmates for lunch and he sent me a text asking if I wanted to be friends with benefits. I said no I couldnt emotionally handle that. He said okay and that he understood that. At some other point, we walked me christina & him to get chinese food. Christina went inside to go get it and while she was inside, bernie kicked the wall a little bit softly and turned and looked at me and was like so I wanted to tell you something. And said he wanted to get back together and that he fucked up. I dont even know what i responded, maybe I said something like are you kidding. As all of that was happening, him making these comments and shit-  I was just so relieved to know that it was real. That he was real and those weeks I spent feeling fucking crazy- I wasn’t crazy. I remember one night we slept in the same bed and I just laid there and cried and said I didnt want him to touch me or to touch him, even though inside it was the only thing I wanted. He wanted to kiss me and low key kept trying to, brought his face closer to mine and opened his mouth in that slight way. Eventually I think I did kiss him- and it made me sob. I knew he wanted to fuck & it made me cry more to think about it. & I told him it would take a really long time for me to ever adjust or be okay with that in any way and he just kept saying I know. 

We would talk on the phone for hours at a time when I was driving home from school or staten island or work or whatever- and i called him out on everything. I told him hes so fucked up and needs to address shit that his dad left him and he never accepted it and all this bullshit. He was silent most of the time, and listened. He told me I was “100% right” and that he could never take back damage that was done. He asked me eventually to go meet with him and his friends in the city, not to be together- just to hang out. I stupidly said yes.  

That was the weekend we “reconnected”, I guess. Being with his friends again and we went on a hike together and just being back into the swing of it, was so comfortable and better than the fucking misery I was in at home for weeks not eating or sleeping. It was so nice to sleep and eat and live and laugh. 

We were back together! Things were great! The same shit went on in the background, same problems as before. He would talk to girls behind my back- I would either ignore it because I didn’t want to fight, or I would mention it and we would fight. I would find things out and have to wait to confront him until in person so he would accept blame and apologize- otherwise, when I was away at home and he was home- he would flip it onto me. 

I remember driving to go snowboarding, he fell and got hurt so we went home early. I bought him some water and snacks and helped him into the car- took his boots off so he didn’t have to bend down. He fell asleep and I wanted to stay awake while driving and stopped at a rest stop. He woke up and wanted food. We got food and while we were sitting inside, this guy was STARING at me making me feel really uncomfortable so I asked if we could eat in the car. Bernie immediately was super grumpy and I was just like oh fuck here we go.. we walked to the car and I felt so guilty that he was angry about going to the car. I said I was sorry and asked if he wanted to go back in and he turned around and SCREAMMMMMED at me in this fucking parking lot. he threw his food and tears were rolling down his face out of anger. I wanted to die. I told him that I was sorry I didnt have two separate cars so that I could leave, and he said oh so you just want to leave when I’m at my worst? And that genuinely made me feel like a terrible person- I felt like I was in the wrong. (Ill say it again- what the fuck was wrong with me?) We drove home and once we got home this time, I was so used to this shit that I knew better than to try to talk about it or resolve any issue. I just let him sleep and I sat up on the couch, and put on greys anatomy to distract myself from what the fuck just happened and what was beginning to become normal to me. (!!!!!!!)

I have FLASHBACKSSSSS to times spent with this person that I can’t even fill in gaps for. Him slapping me in the face!!!!  him screaming at me in his house waking his mom and sister up which I felt embarrassed about even though it was HIM!!!!! I can’t believe anyone- nevermind my own fucking self- ever experienced any of this. He just knew what to say to twist my mind into thinking it was my fault. I would get up collect my things to leave when he would yell and he would say if I cant handle him at his worst I cant have him at all, or say okay Im leaving just like everyone always leaves him. & Then I would feel horrible. How could I leave someone saying that? (I should of)

Yet still, why does my mind wander to the Filipino restaurant where the staff knew me as “his partner” because I would leave while he was sleeping and get his favorites. I legit learned another fuckin language for this MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!! Who did not deserve it for one single second! Master manipulator! I cant believe the memories that I am typing here and I cant believe it was my life. 

This relationship was fucking horrible and I do not understand why or how or EVEN WHO I WAS during this time. I really wanted to write this because it is so easy to loose yourself in periods of vulnerability. I really do feel like everything happens for a reason. However, there’s someone that just always comes to my mind that has sort of always been in the background since I met him at school and I feel like there was just so much time wasted in every capacity on Bernie that it may have fucked it all up for this other person/opportunity. But if it did, it must have happened for a reason. I needed to find myself in this drastic way and I know I’m better for it. I feel returned to my body after 2 years of being lost. 

Anyway, one night I went out to eat with Emily and he was pissed the fuck offfffff about it, although he would never admit that was the reason. I felt guilty that he was upset- I sent him a pic of the menu and said I would bring him there next time he came to LI. The next day, after a 10 hour shift of clinical- I get a CALL from him. All day, I kinda knew it. I remember thinking to myself “why would he break up with you? theres no reason for that- get it out of your mind”. He said bullshit intro- hey how was your day (not genuinely), I said fine, whats up and he said “well...” and I immediately laughed. I said “are you breaking up with me right now” and he said well I was thinking a lot last night and I think we need to stop seeing each other. And I laughed and said okay just to clarify- you thought about it for literally one night? 12 hours? he said yes. I said okay, and before that- did you have any thought in your mind about wanting to break up? he said no but jackie stop. I said okay, when you collect my things- make sure you get everything. & we hung up. Prob a 5 minute phone call. He had such a cold angry tone that sounded exactly like the first time- he blamed me and made me feel like I betrayed him in some way that he was breaking up with me for. 

This time, I could sleep and eat. Although I was upset, it was 500 million times easier than the first time. In fact, it was a RELIEF to not have the responsibility anymore to sit up wondering who he’s with or what he’s lying about. 

It was much easier to cope with (since I was expecting) him to crawl his way (or try to) back into my life after this time- months of being MIA. He tried so much shit and I am very very relieved to know that I’m back in my right fucking mind.

I accept what happened, and the hardest part is stopping blaming myself. I was in a vulnerable spot, and someone manipulative swooped in. As much as I might want to forget, or take it back- I can’t. So I will remember it, learn, and be better for it. 

This past week, after I got a “are you awake” text, 2 missed calls, and a voicemail asking to get coffee at 6AM followed by him liking old DM messages on instagram- I went off. & It felt so fucking gooooooooooood. Fuck Y O U R S E L FFFFFFFFFFFF.

[seesarahaccomplishstuff]

Therapy today helped a bit.

I told my therapist how I’ve been having intense breakdowns since Monday and haven’t been doing okay.

She asked what happened and I told her how I thought the childhood stuff wouldn’t bother me because it was so long ago, but it’s so frustrating to see how much my parents fucked me up. And now there’s this huge list of ways I’m broken that won’t stop growing. And it’s my entire personality. And more people are leaving and that triggered my anxiety, and someone that I’m trying to trust massively crossed a boundary that made my rejection issues even worse.

So she nodded and said “you have a lot to work on. And you really jumped all into it, which is really great, but you’re going to feel like you’re losing for a while. It’s going to overwhelm you a lot. And it’s going to feel easier to lock yourself in your room and off yourself.” (Which I didn’t expect her to say, but she’s right) So I said, “I just don’t fully see the point in trying to fix 30 years of broken.”

“What’s wrong with your personality?” “It’s all fucked up. Everything I do is codependent.” “Sure. Give me an example.” And I couldn’t think of one offhand, so I said, “the thing I realized the other day was I do something for someone because I care right? Which is fine. But also when people are stressed about their situation they get mad. And when that happens I get snapped at and shoved away. So I help to avoid that too I think.”

She was not sold on that. “You used to buy dinner for friends a lot. You did that so you wouldn’t get in trouble?” “No. I did it because I like when people do nice things for me and they don’t always make sure they can eat so I do it so they feel cared about and are healthy.” “That’s just being kind. When you would pay a bill for them they typically pay it right back. So is that codependent?” “No. They need help so I help and they pay it back.” “The times you did it when you didn’t have money to spare. (Which I argued and she called me out lol) The times you let them blow off repaying- that was codependent. You do have a lot of codependent tendencies. But kindness is inherently codependent. You can’t rip apart any time you’ve shown someone kindness. Your biggest codependency issue is not holding boundaries for yourself.”

“You need to repeat the phrase ‘People treat you the way you’ve taught them to treat you’.” “My friend used to say that to me at least once a week.” “Yea well, they’re smart and we’ve covered that you needed to listen to what they’d tell you more than you did. You also need to remember that you don’t control other’s emotions. And other people don’t control yours.”

“People think you’re manipulative and controlling. That’s what they’ve taken from your behavior. You can’t control that. You know it’s not what you intended. You know you’ve been improving for many months. I know you have. But you made them feel a certain way and their opinions didn’t change. You can look at that and acknowledge it and re-examine your behavior like you are. But you can’t change their minds. And their feelings don’t make you that person. So fixating on it doesn’t get you anywhere.”

And then she asked me if I was doing all of this for me or them and I told her I’m having a hard time prioritizing myself. That it pisses me off when people pull the “great pain means great growth. You’ll look back and smile” bullshit. Because the way this feels is terrible and I hate it. So, I know I can’t change anyone’s view of me, but I’m doing all this to try and be who I wanted to be for people who had to leave because of my behavior. And she accepted that.

I also have to start some EDM... pretty sure it’s 4 letters. It’s something to work through past trauma. She said she’d send videos to watch. My alanon group leader asked if she did that sort of thing last week so I guess that’s just where we are. Wait lol... edm is music lemme actually Google the acronym so I seem less ignorant. EMDR, damn dyslexia. Anyway. That.

But basically, I need to really work to not shred myself when I’m low. It’s gotten bad. I also need to start on my books that came yesterday. 2/3 are here. She wants me to try and list my codependent behaviors. I also need to start painting and journaling again. I like this outlet and it’s easiest for my brain, but the way I was doing it all in my watercolor notebook was really therapeutic. It’s just been a bitch of a week.

I’ll be fine and I feel less like having a breakdown or dying. I think I know another thing that is really fucking with me through everything, but I don’t feel comfortable posting it here right now I think. I also can’t do anything about it.

Last night in alanon a woman said “when one door closes another one opens, but the hallway is hell.” And like, yea. Fuck dude. I took a psych class once where the teacher had a gazillion psych type degrees and would open the class with us getting to ask about mental health shit. And one kid asked if it was possible to change personalities. And he said “sure, but you usually see it following a trauma where it rewrites your thought processes. Because it’s hell to do otherwise, and a lot of people can’t handle it.” And I get it now. I thought he meant habits and comfort zones. But it feels like being handed a pile of shards that used to be your brain and given a timelimit to reassemble it. But half the pieces are trauma copies and you have to figure out which parts are imposters, but they actually fit better than the pieces that should be there. And if you fail you lose everything.

Anyway, that’s where I am today. I queued a couple posts last night so you might see random downers, but what I’m thinking of doing is only reblogging positive stuff, and queueing negative stuff that resonated for like, 7am. And I say that because sometimes I rescroll my blog to recount the day or previous day to either feel good with the good posts again or reevaluate the things I’ve said the day before. Since with my mood they don’t always apply still or I may have a totally different approach at that thought. And I do that when I go to bed around 2. So at 7 I won’t be seeing negative shit right before bed. Cuz I’ve fallen asleep and woken up bitter the last few days.

We’ll see. I have lots to do today. I’ve been off twitter so no children have reminded me to do my taxes. I also have to get a new phone today so I’m fully out from under my mother. And I have insurance stuff and inspection cleaning to tackle. It’s only 1 and I’m ready to call it a day.

I hope what my therapist said helps anyone else who is struggling. I like hearing the lines that have stuck with patients and really helped them. So when it doesn’t fuck with me I’d like to be open about what I discuss in therapy. I always used to think it’d solve so many of my problems if I could send my friends zoom links of my sessions since I’m so bad at expressing myself lol. So this is also a bit of an exercise for me to be more outspoken about my feelings (if this bothers anyone you can send an anonymous ask) And therapy isn’t accessible to everyone so maybe it gives someone what they need to go forward a bit in their struggles. (Alanon and CoDa are free and on zoom now though! Definitely look into it if it applies to you!)

There’s a line in a bts song. Idk which one honestly, Ik it’s in the BE photo book though I can post a pic. It comes to mind because my friend would write it a lot when they first heard it. And it’s something like “sometimes we get to know that broken is beautiful”. My therapist today said “you are broken, everyone is. And no one is as broken as they think they are.” I hope one day this feels like a beautiful moment in my life and not the purgatory it feels like. I hope I grow enough for it to be worth it.

[nvrm1ind-remade]

Tagged by @awakcs thank you~

rules: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

NAME: shabiya

AGE: 14 (nearly turning 15 soon tho)

BIRTH DATE: may 12th

THE LAST

1. drink: sprite

2. phone call: from my dad

3. text: from a friend

4. song you listened to: I need u - bts

5. time you cried: just a while ago

6. dated someone twice: nope

7. been cheated on: no

8. kissed someone and regretted it: no

9. lost someone special: yes

10. been depressed: every day

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: nope

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. black

13. red

14. idk blue (black and red are my only two favourite colours i guess)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15. made new friends: yep

16. fallen out of love: nope

17. laughed until you cried: mm i rarely do but yea i guess so.

18. found out someone was talking about you: yeah but I wasn’t bothered tbh

19. met someone who changed you: yes

20. found out who your true friends are: yep

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: i don’t have facebook

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: ^don’t have facebook.

23. do you have any pets: no but I’d like to have one.

24. do you want to change your name: idk

25. what did you do for your last birthday: I can’t even remember it was ages ago.

26. what time did you wake up: 6:00am (I literally slept for 2 hours I couldn’t sleep)

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: thinking about what a piece of shit I am

28. name something you cannot wait for: idk figuring out what to do with my life

29. when was the last time you saw your mother: three hours ago

30. what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: idk probably being here as I just want to disappear

31. what are you listening to right now: nothing

32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: um no

33. something that is getting on your nerves: that I don’t want to go anywhere tomorrow I just want to stay at home and I can’t do anything about it

34. most visited website: tumblr

35. elementary: finished

36. high School: in yr 10

37. college: starting in like over a year

38. hair color: dark brown

39. long or short hair: long but I want to get it cut a bit short like I used to have it

40. do you have a crush on someone: no

41. what do you like about yourself: idk nothing rlly

42. piercings: ears and I’m getting second piercings on my ears again soon.

43. blood type: idk I’ve never paid attention to it (I always forget lol)

44. nickname: idk people either just say my name or just shabs/shabso

45. relationship status: single

46. zodiac sign: taurus

47. pronouns: she/her

48. favorite tv show: I don’t really have one I guess

49. tattoos: none

50. right or left hand: right

FIRST…

51. surgery: never had one

52. piercing: ears

54. sport: idk i think it was boxing

55. vacation: I can’t remember

56. pair of trainers: nike

RIGHT NOW…

57. eating: nothing

58. drinking: water

59. i’m about to: message a friend

61. waiting for: me to get over myself and stop being so fucking idk

62. want: the holidays to come so i can just take a break from everything and try and stop being a piece of shit.

FUTURE…

62. want kids?: mm idk not rlly

63. get married: idk again I’ve never really given it much thought as I’m not bothered really

64. career: idk I have no idea abt my future

WHICH IS BETTER…

65. hugs or kisses: hugs

66. lips or eyes: both

67. shorter or taller: taller

68. older or younger: both

69. romantic or spontaneous?: both

70. nice arms or nice stomach: idk

71. sensitive or loud: idk sensitive i guess

72. hook up or relationship: relationship

73. troublemaker or hesitant: both

HAVE YOU EVER…

74. kissed a stranger?: nope

75. drank hard liquor?: no

76. lost glasses contact/lenses?: no

77. turned someone down?: mm yes

78. sex on first date?: no

79. broken someone’s heart?: yeah because i was an asshole at that time but we’ve sorted everything out now.

80. had your heart broken?: no

81. been arrested?: no

82. cried when someone died?: yea

83. fallen for a friend?: no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84. yourself?: ha no.

85. miracles?: hmm yeah

86. love at first sight?: nope

87. santa Claus?: no

88. kiss on the first date?: no

89. angels?: yeah

OTHER….

90. current best friend’s name: I have a few but jasmin is the one that’s the closest and best as she’s amazing and is always there for me 

91. eye color: dark brown

92. favourite movie: ahh well I have quite a few but to sum up they’re all action/crime/thriller based.

Tagging: @jjeoreojinpaca @saphisticated @yasloveoao @haise-ghoul @v-14 @heiwa @shinjaeyo (if ur still alive where the fuck are u) and anyone else who sees this and would like to do it

[galahdsglaive]

1-45 for the character development questions :')

@oracleborn

Well, here’s idk halfish of them. I got to a certain point and got tired. Also some were skipped because I didn’t have an answer. Either way, this should give a fair bit of insight to Nyx. It’s under a read more because it’s long af 

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

One sister, a few years younger than him.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

He loves his mom, always and forever. He may be the problem child that gets scolded by mom a lot, but he still loves her.

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

He takes after his dad a lot, wanting to protect the people around him, but he wasn’t that close to his dad. He tried, he would follow his dad around as much as possible, but there were a lot of times that his dad was too busy or in a dangerous situation and wouldn’t let him stick around.

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

Losing Galahad, losing his family, losing Crowe. There’s a lot that has changed him.

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

He doesn’t really dream that much. Just nightmares.

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

Hell yes. Flashbacks to Galahad all the time.

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

He probably has, just shooting at glass bottles back home, but guns were never very interesting to him.

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

Yea. Back home, as a child, he wasn’t rich by any means, but his family was well off at least. They didn’t have anything fancy, but they were provided for. Being in the city, he’s not so well off. He survives, but he doesn’t have very many luxuries. 

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

Less, ngl. Anytime he’s at home he’s gonna be lacking a shirt, maybe pants too. If he’s at @midnightprincewithapureheart‘s apartment def no pants because he’s gotta fluster the Prince

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

Running to help his mother and hearing Selena cry out for him. Having the MTs aiming at him moments before wasn’t nearly as bad is running away, knowing his sister was at their mercy for saving him.

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

Literally any day before the attack on Galahad. Sure he had teenage angst but, in comparison to the nightmare he has lived since then, that’s calm.

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

Normally no, he’s a soldier and he’s gotten used to it. But sometimes, if a civilian gets in the way it may bother him, but he’s not sure if it’s the blood that bothers him or the fact that this innocent person has gotten hurt. The effect is worsened if the civilian looks like Selena.

Does your character remember names or faces easier?

Faces

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

He literally does not care. He doesn’t need money to protect people.

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

Success

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

Ambition

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

Well, he’s only had one relationship prior to RPs, and that ended when the Nifs attacked Galahad, so his flaws have never destroyed a relationship. That being said, he has no fucking clue how to handle romantic feelings. he drunkenly kissed noctis once and while trying to say (once they were both sober) it was nice he ended up pushing noctis away. He’s not good with words or expressing himself.

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

I’m not sure he really compares himself that much. he may try to validate himself with something, but i doubt it would be comparing himself to others.

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

He always thinks its his own fault. That he’s not good enough and he failed.

What does your character like in other people?

Blonde hair? Idk are we talking physically, personality wise, what? Physically, he does kinda have a thing for blondes Luna, Luche, Loqi I mean what. As for personality, he likes bravery, confidence, the ability to take care of themselves. They gotta be able to have fun too.

What does your character dislike in other people?

LIARS.

How quick is your character to trust someone else?

Not very. He’ll act like he’s cool with you, but he’s not gonna really tell you much about himself for a while.

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

He basically starts in a state of “I suspect you did something” even if he has no evidence towards this. If something happens he’s less likely to suspect those close to him, but after the Glaives betray him he starts rethinking that because clearly those close to him can be a problem.

How does your character behave around children?

He’s a little awkward but he tries to be nice. He mostly just doesn’t want them to cry

How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

Head on. He will fight you. He’s slightly more tactful than Libertus, but he’s still very confrontational

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

Again, he’s pretty quick to do it, but it’s not immediate. He does have some self restraint. 

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

I’m not really sure he had a specific dream, aside from just helping people.

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

traitors, lies, senseless killing

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

Anywhere with Crowe and Libertus really, specially just hanging out together. 

[the-lonely-flute]

Get To Know Me Tag!!!!

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

tagged by @keunakool​ the nerd. Thank I guess

THE LAST:

1. Drink: Coka-Cola 2. Phone call: My mother 3. Text message: Also to the friend Spence 4. Song you listened to: This ain’t it - Taeyang 5. Time you cried: Today because I laughed really hard. It happens a lot ngl

HAVE YOU: 6. Dated someone twice: Yea. Me and my bf have dated before and are dating again now. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Naw 8. Been cheated on: Not that I know of 9. Lost someone special: Yea, my grandmother. I called her grams 10. Been depressed: Yep. Next question 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Alcohol scares me

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: Blue, green, and purple!

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. Made new friends: Yes I have! 16. Fallen out of love: Nope 17. Laughed until you cried: Yes. It happens so often you don’t even understand. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: No one has told me, but I’m sure it’s happened. 19. Met someone who has changed you: Yep. 20. Found out who your friends are: Oh yea I have. It’s been a wild ride 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Yep!

GENERAL: 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Pft! like, 5 or 6 23. Do you have any pets: Two cats and two dogs! 24. Do you want to change your name: Not anymore, but when I was younger I wanted to change it to Sarah! 25. What did you do for your last Birthday: @keunakool​ came over and we played Just Dance and ate ice cream cake 26. What time did you wake up: 7:00 A.M. (damn acting workshop) 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: I think I was sleeping. Maybe I was watching Miraculous Ladybug but I’m not 100% sure 28. Name something you can’t wait for: Be done with summer college courses and my acting workshop. Let me be free!!!! 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: At, like, 6 today lol 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: I wish my mother had an easier life. 31. What are you listening right now: Blackout - VIXX 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I do not believe I have O.O 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: My own inability to finish anything 34. Most visited Website: Either AO3 or YouTube

LOST QUESTIONS. I JUST PUT IN RANDOM INFO ABOUT ME 35. Mole/s: i have a lot. One on my left hand index finger, one on the bottom of my right foot, and another somewhere probably on my back idk where exactly. 36. Mark/s: I have a scar that looks like the  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  because of my cat. I’ll have to post a photo sometime. 37. Childhood dream: I’m not even joking when I say I wanted to be an anesthesiologist. 38. Haircolor: dark brown :D 39. Long or short hair: Very short 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Why yes I do! @puffythepig​ <3 41. What do you like about yourself: I sometimes don’t fuck shit up I guess idk 42. Piercings: My lip! I used to have my ears but they grew over >:( 43. Bloodtype: I have no idea. 44. Nickname: Crispy, Krispy Kreme, Crispy Lettuce, Chips, Crisps, Vanna, and anything else that has do do with crispy something. 45. Relationship status: In a Relationship! 46. Zodiac: Aries 47. Pronouns: She/Her 48. Favorite TV Show: I honestly don’t know. I don’t watch tv often. Maybe Rick and Morty right now? Maybe Miraculous Ladybug? I’m indecisive. 49. Tattoos: None right now! Maybe one day, but needles terify me so 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: Just tubes in my ears and getting my molars cut out. 52. Hair dyed in different color: I have never dyed my hair, but I’d love to! I want to dye it pastel purple 53. Sport: Does Marching Band count? No? Oh... 55. Vacation: Anywhere! But! Home! 56. Pair of trainers: Uh, two I think. I don’t know honestly.

MORE GENERAL: 57. Eating: I had watermelon an hour ago 58. Drinking: I’ve got nothin’ 59. I’m about to: Probably sleep. I have to get up at 7:00 again tomorrow. After that i’m free once more. 61. Waiting for: Death. And money so I can buy more music. But mostly death. 62. Want: The Pretty Reckless’s new album, and all the All Star remix’s I can find. 63. Get married: I would love to, but not anytime soon. I need myself an edumication first. 64. Career: Lets hope some school system will hire me to teach their children the sin that is music.

WHICH IS BETTER 65. Hugs or kisses: Kisses! They make me feel happy >.< 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. 67. Shorter or taller: Either really. I don’t care. 68. Older or younger: Older I guess, I don’t think about it often. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Stomach, but what I really like are shoulders 71. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive. 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship please 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Why not both?

HAVE YOU EVER: 74. Kissed a stranger: Nope! 75. Drank hard liquor: Alcohol is scary O.O 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: Yes. Plenty of times. 77. Turned someone down: Romantically? Naw. Not romantically? Yes. 78. Sex on the first date: No thank you 79. Broken someone’s heart: Yea I did. Oops. 80. Had your heart broken: No not yet 81. Been arrested: Not yet! And hopefully never! 82. Cried when someone died: Yea, when my grandmother died. 83. Fallen for a friend: >.> yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. Yourself: Pft no what the hell can i do. 85. Miracles: Yep 86. Love at first sight: I’m not sure. It depends. 87. Santa Claus: My uncle was in the car with me and after telling my little sister to be good or else santa won’t come, then he leaned over and told me, “We tell them that just so they are good.” So... no. 88. Kiss in the first date: Depends! Maybe! 89. Angels: It’d be cool, but I don’t believe so.

OTHER: 90. Current best friends name: @keunakool​, @puffythepig, @the-mockingbird-flies​, @heroicphantom​, and I think that’s it? I’m not sure ngl I’m bad at keeping track of people. 91. Eyecolor: Hazel! 92. Favorite movie: The older spiderman! You know, the 2002 version

@puffythepig​ and @heroicphantom​ I choose you!