#IVE THOUGHT ABOUT THE 5 SENSES THING BEFORE. AND IK THE STORY WOULD PROBABLY WORK JUST FINE WITHOUT A BUNCH OF MAIN CHARACTWRS

[potatobugz]

ok. hear me out. bear with me. ive been struck with an idea for a kny au in which basically genya and kanao become main characters.

keeping in line with the whole "5 senses" theme, genya would have a heightened sense of taste and kanao would have good eyesight. :)

[cloneslugs]

yayoi + shinada + saejima

saejima i did forever ago just bc ik if i answered yours firsy w all 3 this would be ill but it still got too long bc im a sicko but anyway thank you this made me smile to write (:

Lady Dojima 

Sexuality Headcanon: bisexual 

Gender Headcanon: 🙈 lady . this actually fluctuates depending on how indulgent i wanna be but usually i just go cis woman -_- just bc that's my mom who would love and support me 

A ship I have with said character: erm.. *blushes* kashiwagi >_>

A BROTP I have with said character: kashiwagi as well :) that's her best friend thats her buddy, she has a really good relationship w kiryu too but it's different it's like a different tier entirely it's more familial in a sense but it isnt but it is, i also would like to explore her relationship w nishiki (apart from kiryu) but that is just (:, her and haruka would be cute too just bc <3 extended family 

A NOTP I have with said character: sera just bc the theories around it get on my nerves, any other man people pair her w tbh besides my beloved <3

A random headcanon: shes kind of a weird girl outside of professional settings i think the blunt way she talks is kind of offputting outside of those and also she just doesnt censor herself not that shes crude but she wont stop herself from saying weird or mean things, she has a really sarcastic sense of humor she delivers everything really dryly so it's hard to tell if shes serious or not also she doesnt laugh a lot you'll probably only make her laugh if you are close w her and even then she is just ._., daigo picks up a lot of his mannerisms from her if you see them next to each other in the same situation they are very very close and similar, she likes strawberry shortcake but shes very particular about it her like former bff ran a bakery and it feels homey and nice to her so <3 fond memories but now shes particular, her favorite flower bouquets are roses + hydrangeas but she doesn't really like roses on their own, she likes cats, she doesnt like cooking but she isnt bad at it, shes very meticulous about how she presents/looks, she has a similar academic bg w daigo, shes self taught w a katana mostly + she practices w it to destress, shes not social but shes kind of chatty if you catch her at the right time but she mostly just asks a lot of questions and doesnt engage in convo well, she likes dresses/skirts but mostly dresses <3, very close w daigo i think he really was one of those kids who was like "my mommy is my best friend <3" but they're very close that's her baby shes very proud of him and they are still close now, shes otherwise not very good w kids i think kind of awkward daigo was her exception everyone else she is just kind of … … …, she likes to sing/hum (: but only when alone/doing menial tasks

General Opinion over said character: i looooove her shes my everything i just care so deeply about her i cant even call her my friend i respect her too much shes a little bit above me but <3 hi lady dojima ik ive said this before and its so embarrassing but i get like >///< *blushes irl* if i think about calling her yayoi or god forbid a milf or anything it feels too disrespectful im so >_> anyway hiii i love you 

Shinada

Sexuality Headcanon: homosexual but hes so so repressed but he loves men 

Gender Headcanon: trans guy (: 

A ship I have with said character: 😏 daigo 

A BROTP I have with said character: not including daigo um akiyama (: the whole 5 party really saejima likes to look out for him and kiryu is also there and hed be a cute big bro to haruka 

A NOTP I have with said character: mine but its almost allowed bc of how laughable and mockable and ridiculous it is also any polyam ships that involve well.  you know.. 

A random headcanon: autism (: baseball special interest that started when he was like 7 and never went dormant ever, hes bad w time and remembering things he just loses track of everything, he sleeps a lot and can sleep anywhere but if hes not sleeping he has to be doing something like anything, he likes to paint his nails mostly green but sometimes he lets daigo do black, bad at math but he likes writing a lot just in general sometimes he writes little notes/poems/thoughts/stories on his scrap paper when hes procrastinating work they're nothing special so he doesnt even really acknowledge that he likes writing he usually just scraps them or forgets about them it's just for fun, he likes to impress people if someone mentions being into something he tries to get into it too i think hes just a people pleaser, he likes to sing (: also just for fun he doesnt care about being good he'll do it when walking around or when doing literally anything he doesnt care about being loud/obnoxious in public if hes in a good/energetic mood, he cant cook mostly bc he has trouble paying attention to things for a while he gets bored and forgets about stuff, he forgets to cut his hair a lot so it gets long sometimes and he just ties it up until he actually gets around to doing something about it, very friendly he says hi to everyone and is the kind of person to not disclude people ever hes just very kind, he doesnt hold his alcohol well he gets sick pretty fast, hes very good at talking baseball/batting specifically but not very good at teaching or hes not very practical about it at least hes actually better at giving pitching tips, he has weird volume control i think its actually the opposite of daigos, hes a hugger (:, kind of really bad w social cues hes really social but can be awkward he tends to talk too much, he procrastinates a lot but hes also just a "drop everything to come and help" kind of guy maybe he doesnt prioritize well but he just cares about people like he is kind of finicky for money but hes also the type to give up his jacket if someone needs it or lend things out when he can, hes not good at picking up hobbies sometimes girls/friends get him stuff like a plant or some kind of craft kir or something and it's not like he doesnt take care of it/do anything w it he just cant hold an interest he wanted to get into music/instruments once though but it's expensive and then he eventually stopped caring/forgot, he shares his food w street animals when he can, he can either sit through movies or he can't it's either like "if im idle too long ill die" or just intense focus, he smiles a lot it's like his default face but he also smiles/laughs when hes nervous, he takes lots of pictures hes the kind of person to just message out of the blue w a pic saying it reminded him if you even if you dont make the connection and maybe it's just bc he thinks about people when walking around and he'll see something pretty/nice/cute or that just makes him smile so he needs to share it w whoever was on his mind he does it w the rgg5 crew and akiyama doesnt get it but hell send like a thumbs up or some blingee bedazzled stupid pic back + kiryu usually ignores him but deep down he thinks its sweet and maybe says "thanks." but feels too awkward to send a pic of the kids or the beach back + saejima usually sends a cat picture back or just says "okay" or ignores it + haruka always sends something back and kind of does the same thing w shinada now where she'll send him things if she thinks of him bc he started it

General Opinion over said character: he makes me so happy i love him so much hes just sweet and <3 i love you you make my heart feel <3 nice and sweet and kind i love you you mean the world to me you make me so emo i wahhhh i love you <3

[shecapturedfeeling]

dude. ok. this is exactly what I mean.

back when the trailer for bohemian rhapsody first came out, I was super excited and just made a random post on social media saying “someone come watch this with me it looks so good.” I didnt rlly get any response but it was fine bc I just wanted to express my excitement.

then the movie comes out, and one of my rlly good guy friends works at the theatre so he can bring friends in for free. I literally listen to this guy rant all the time and we’re rlly close, so im like, he probably wouldn't mind doing me a favor and bringing me in since this movie just means a lot to me, right? but he ends up not having any time and finally I just felt so bad about bothering him so much about it that I stopped asking.

so then one weekend he ends up going to see the movie with a bunch of guy friends (some of which are my friends too). and I was out of town and I was like...wow. I mean ik he didnt purposely go just bc I wasn't there and that was prolly his free weekend and I happened to not be home but whatever. I wasn't rlly sad about him not bringing me, I was sad about not getting to see the movie. also, that group never did get to see the movie bc the theatre was filled up so they ended up watching something else.

anyway, one of the guys in that group is my best friends boyfriend. I basically set them up, since this guy (who's also my friend) had a crush on her and came up to me and I literally stayed up all night for 2+ weeks during the summer and spent so many hours just giving advice. I literally TOLD him the things to say and text to her. I gave him the idea for getting her a blanket for her birthday, forcing me to come up with another idea for my own gift for her. he used MY reasoning for the gift to explain why he got it, and she treats this blanket like its her favorite object. I was the one who ordered the present online for him, because he asked me to, because he didnt want his mom to question it. Even though it meant my mom asked me why I was spending so much money on her gifts. even though I had to go through the effort and I had to wrap the present and bring it to school. 

so after they went to watch the movie (but ended up watching something else), my friend is all “I want to watch bohemian rhapsody!!” which is so FUNNY bc every time I mentioned it before she’d roll her eyes and act annoyed and she NEVER listened to queen or expressed a modicum of interest before then, never sang along to bohemian rhapsody with the rest of us. but ok.

a few months later, bohemian rhapsody is out of theatres. the guys did end up seeing it, and they’re all obsessed with queen now, even though before half of them didnt know anything about them. its fine bc this is true of like half the teenage population who now professes to be huge fans of queen. I mean like, its fine, queen deserves it. and now there's people to discuss queen with so yay I guess. I never did get to see it in theatres which was sad, but I knew I could just find it online although it wouldn't be the same experience.

so then there’s another of my really good friends, a beautiful, talented, nice, perfect friend whom everyone likes. one of our guy friends who went to see the movie had a giant crush on her. I was the first person he told and he said not to tell anyone else so I didnt, but then he ended up telling a billion people and the situation got out of hand and uncomfortable for the girl, and I sat there giving him endless advice. (I also gave him advice during the times the three of us--sometimes 4, when the movie theatre friend was there--were face timing about the blanket guy trying to date my best friend.) I’ve had so many late night chats with this guy, talking to him, listening to his rants, spent so many hours trying to convince him to go to prom and ask this perfect friend to prom. I helped him with his promposal, came up with the majority of the logistics for his promposal, and stayed up with him while he made it. he’s sent me personal thoughts he hasn't shared with anyone else. I also comforted him when he lost someone recently and he said “thanks for being a really good friend and always being there for me” and after that has proceeded to treat me worse than he treats this perfect girl and my best friend. like, he’s always there to comfort my best friend, he always responds to her messages and addresses her in group chats. same with the perfect friend, he wants to go to her dance recital and stuff and is trying to persuade others to go too. I mean, I can understand it, bc not only are they both really pretty and accomplished, thus deserving of appreciation and kindness and friendship, he actually has reason to like them bc ofc he had a crush on this perfect friend and my best friend is HIS best friend’s girlfriend. but still, he’s been one of the few people to say that im a good friend so I thought he actually appreciated having me there as a friend and I kinda expected him to treat me as well as he treats them?? but guess not. and this perfect friend, I love her, and she's so nice to me, and were closer than I am with a lot of other people in our friend group. we have classes together and we can rant about stuff and I dont have to act like everythings fine around her (although Ive never expressed my actual sadness and depression to her bc her life is just so perfect, so she doesn’t actually know anything beyond the surface, but what I mean is that we can actually talk about deeper issues about the world and stuff). I love her but she is SO concerned with image and reputation. she never speaks up against people. in classes ive had to go up and talk to the teacher to ask questions for my friend. she’ll never say anything. and it sucks bc when we’re with others, she’ll put them before me. like suddenly they’ll all tease or laugh at me, im sure out of a good place, but it still sucks. she’ll team up with the guys, trying to gain their approval (they all love her anyway, so its really unnecessary). the other day our group chat decided to play evil apples, and the first round she won and I was second before the 2 guys, and in the second round one of the guys won and she was 2nd and I was 3rd but the prom friend (the one who had a crush on her) lost. then the next day in a class we were in a group playing cards against humanity, and when it was my turn to judge, I chose a card that was appropriate rather than an inappropriate one bc the appropriate one just made more sense and she whispers to the guy next to her, “see this is why we can’t play with them.” in a different round, the question card was “I get by with a little help from ______” and I said “is there a beatles related card” bc I wanted to make a reference, and the girl on the other side of perfect friend whispered what I said to her, giggling. it made me annoyed bc they were talking behind my back, and I would've been fine if it was the girl and the guy on each side of her, bc even though we’re all kind of friends they never really seemed to like me that much and always have seen me as just this weird, socially awkward, annoying person, but it made me so MAD that my FRIEND was taking part in this, and not saying anything, and just looking down on me when in private she’ll act like im her favorite person in the whole world. but whatever, I digress.

back to the point, perfect friend a few months after bohemian rhapsody left theaters she watched it somewhere and loved it, and she said it in our group chat, and everyone was like yay and loving her texts and had a discussion about how good it was.

yesterday I finally, finally watched it after months of waiting. so today I text the group chat that I watched it, and spam a little about what I liked and I didnt, which I realize is annoying bc I spam all the time and I cant really help it. but I expected since everyone in the chat is now queen fans, even those that weren’t before the movie, we could just obsess together over how good it was. 

but the only one who replied at first was my best friend (bless her). she loved a few messages (namely, 3: the first was that I watched it, the second was that the casting for brian may was amazing, and the third was that the live aid scene was so good). I was kinda confused bc I didnt think she even knew what I was talking about, especially since I didnt think shed even seen the movie? but maybe she did. or maybe she was just appreciating the comments, and anyway, regardless, I was grateful for her responding. and she said like “ooo where did you see it” and I said I found it online and she said “oh lol.” and she dislikes my ending text of “sorry for the spam I just really enjoyed it.” so I was grateful. but no one else really said anything.

until perfect friend sends an unrelated pic and says something. then she loved my text that I finally saw bohemian rhapsody, basically as an afterthought, but didnt say anything else on it. prom friend right away responds to perfect friend, ignoring all my texts, even tho I thought he was such a big fan of queen now after seeing the movie but whatever. he also then sends a video of blanket friend to the same group chat, addressing best friend, saying her name and what they’re doing.

so, nice to know im not liked lol.

I know this is a long winded story (I mean it doesn't matter cuz im just writing this to myself not anyone else) but im just so frustrated. I wish there was someone out there who would just CARE and appreciate my friendship and treat me like a friend. I KNOW I DONT DESERVE IT. and everything I say is with that unspoken warrant. like I KNOW. im just trying to say that at the same time im so tired of giving so much to my different relationships only to have it be reciprocated by like 5%. the closest connection I have is with is best friend, but she still looks down on me and has even told me everything she hates about me, two years ago when she was trying to get me to join color guard. color guard is like her obsession now, and she says she didnt know what it was before, even though back at the end of 8th grade I literally ASKED HER, “do you want to join color guard in hs.” but I guess she didn’t hear me and just disregarded it like she has SO MANY OTHER THINGS she doesn't deem important until she or her boyfriend or someone “discovers” it and then suddenly its her original idea or something. and ever since that episode when she basically ranted about everything she dislikes about me, just bc I didnt want to join color guard, nothing has been the same. I know ive wronged her so many times and I feel bad. I dont deserve her trust (I betrayed it so many times, like when I didnt tell her I was helping her (now) boyfriend) and I understand that, but now we dont share anything real. I dont trust ANYONE and all my real feelings and secrets I keep to myself. she doesn't need me for anything anymore now that she has a boyfriend, so its fine. but she still actually cares about me, and I care about her, and at least she will show her friendship and support for me. 

its just, I try so hard to connect. to act like im happy and have emotions when inside im depressed and empty. I try to show enthusiasm for everything they do when honestly I have so many of my own problems to worry about that I honestly just dont have the energy to care. I try to offer myself to comfort them and I prioritize other peoples feelings over my own obligations, feelings, problems, sleep, health, and time. I know it sounds like im a bad person just “faking” it and resenting these things that I should be happy to do. I guess I am, but its just that my mental health is so bad right now that its impossible for me to actually bring myself to care about stuff and others and myself or anything at all so thats why. When I get an opportunity to help people (like with the promposal and the girlfriend) it actually invigorates me bc I feel so needed. I willingly spend time on that bc it actually feels like im accomplishing something. It feels like people actually want me there. it feels like by doing this people will appreciate me. but that’s where im wrong. I got him his girlfriend and now he never talks to me or responds to my texts. I KNOW hes there, bc he’ll love all of her texts in the group chat, even the ones just saying the same things I already said, but he doesn't react to any of mine. I got him his prom date, yet in the hallways he doesn't say hi to me but he’ll gladly say hi to perfect friend or best friend. yesterday in lunch people got their yearbooks. perfect friend realized the cover had a feature. prom friend is there. best friend runs over yelling about how the cover is so bad because it’s predominantly black while the past 2 were predominantly white. to point out a good aspect, I repeat the feature perfect friend said. prom friend repeats what I said, but not in a high pitched voice or anything that hints at sarcasm or teasing. so I turn to him and im like “....I just said that.” he goes “I know. I was mocking you.” perfect friend and best friend say nothing to defend me. I just... I dont get it. a few days ago you said I was a good friend and now you proceed to make fun of me. somehow something about me makes it ok for him and others to make fun of me and look down on me, when he doesn't tease best friend or perfect friend. he treats me like trash but since the other two are perfect, since he likes perfect friend and since best friend is dating his friend, they have an automatic pass to be treated like queens, to be admired by him. best friend and perfect friend dont think they need to defend me when ive been nothing but loyal. it makes me annoyed because ive spent years defending best friend anytime someone says something. I was the outspoken one who'd yell at the guys when they teased. yet all anyone ever saw me as was the annoying, dramatic one. when I was just trying to be a friend the way I knew how. I thought being loyal was how to be a good friend, bc thats all I ever wanted. my brother made fun of me and put me down, at home, and in front of his friends, which were the most embarrassing time of all. so I thought my friends would appreciate me being loyal, yet all its ever seemed in all these years is that they’re embarrassed of me when I jump at those who tease. but I guess its because im so socially awkward. I overreact when things dont call for such big scenes. I talk too much. I try too hard. I just hate how I always take the fall. I never get credit where its due, just because I try to stay humble yet everyone still thinks im arrogant. I keep quiet, bc if I ever said what im saying now, it would just prove it. “see? you DO think highly of yourself.” they dont know that I would do anything to remove myself from this earth if I could because I have so much self loathing in me. 

the other day in math we were working in groups. one group came up with something and said it and the rest of the class was like “ohhh” but one group didnt hear and were like “what?” best friend goes “no dont tell them! make them figure it out themselves.” so I say to a classmate about to tell them, “no no no dont!” but in my voice thats 50x louder than my friend’s. someone else goes “what? no! thats so mean!” I was so embarrassed. I wouldn't have said anything if it wasn't my friends idea. I couldn’t care less whether that group knew or not, but since my friend said it I wanted to be supportive so I said something to have a bit of fun. yet I was the mean one, the one everyone looked at weird, the dramatic, annoying one, yet AGAIN. 

and it just made me think. I have taken the fall for others so many times and they have never spoken up. when its the other way around, when someone gets blamed for something that was my own fault, I always speak up and make sure to take the fall. I make it clear until people understand. and yet my friends never do the same for me. so why do I even bother?

I just need to stop trying so hard to be a friend, to be likable, because I know ill never know how. its just not in me to understand how to be a normal fucking person. to know how to interact with others. to not be socially awkward. to respond the right way. to not have a loud voice or talk too much or overshare. to read social cues and understand when people dont like me and to not force myself on them.

if I ever reach adulthood, maybe I can just sequester myself away from all humans, so none of them will ever have to deal with me again. so I dont fucking ruin society anymore. so I dont have to humiliate myself time and time again. so everyones lives can be so much better.

its embarrassing, im embarrassing, and im so tired of it.