#IVE STAYED UP AND PERSEVERED ! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

libidomechanica · 7 months ago

Text

“Turns on the”

A Meredith sonnet sequence

Welcome, welcome guests: their union would quake. Of sunrise, her arm lifted hands as due as faithful Friendships, they durst not for your love the publick Scorn, our only born for love me now. Of David’s Cause reviv’d, a Plot is made; and from out my Wag. Then he’s gart build a bonny lass of Lochroyan lay dead at my bower? Turns on the porch and Averil, when sometimes discover, and leaves but little measure, girdle me for pity on a flood, than the which the Faction with these Arms may Sons against my lover, dead. To publick Pillars of the ages, sculptured in prison: My genitals have differing it over. Heaps of People which it self destroy the beauty yet doe meet.

Has earth beneath, grave, solemn, as an old Norman Abbey whirl’d the fingers selfe were due to no other tremendous teats shoots with their midnight—which once from Shírín the Skirt of Fortune lately died, gone to yet someone, with what full their head, like that which is not allow’d, what went wrong, on friend, himself, a sheathed the middle of my Earth! If thou canst not support the same blind braine waies of mind, to that Gods-smiths could not shake some Irish absent lovers—who last nights when thousand though t was walking sage, kit-Cat, the World should dissembled at the lie! For he woud pleasure still persever, thy sweet Electra, and true, it is time, it is before, the blossom, o! I turn from mine.

III

But in the Mass, unchew’d and tuneless crocodile. Her former Catholic school, a theme creative, a jest, a riddles as sweets, at sunny noon; gie me thus?—In the dark fen the monied speculation? Weeded and runs not come, she said. Deeds of year when two or three weeks, I did untie everyday to climb out. A people you make the sight; a sorrier still, presented with grace grace impiety, that’s in her hand: whom Fame commit are forgot for yoghurt partly because it’s your real Griefs, and just beyond all your hearts: their Humour more steadily to have loved the wind come in the babe rose a Carlo Dolce or a consequence: for, as white man in the West. Way down.

Oh, I kept the nuptial sweets, at such a height, says, Row the Silver in her e’e; let constant, independent of their names upon the banks o’ Coil, I thought upon the highway at our entreaty stay! So do our minute woud have given the secrecy our smiles and part I’d lost. Lest we lose thy love in Egypt’s rays, to harp at a fix’d hour to this, folly, age and other ioy hath been shapin’ a spoon; o merry hae I been stirr’d up to your limbs of flowers, but Savages were rather apt to whimper; patient been opened when the oxen’s low came to those who would express; and thick sought Releif by formidable ermine which young, and, yonder I see them.

As tis for ever ask’d the more; when I dream of a horse eases up and awful shadow of a thousand bubbles o’er: so, several strings, not stings to my shafts, his Frame, unwarily was she to feel it structure made, did always dark, where no way to the distant Poles have drain’d his Eyes, and with Chain of Godly Factious Times, with modest Ruth. In such a scope for love is in her e’e; let constant, independent of linden blossom blows, come in the peace in your Praise effect. Be her lust of reason doubtful spreads her Locks before the creating allusions private widow mourning; I a’ the low: for Shimei, whose Youth your cleare eyes by tears, and never got she nane.

Me awake day incapable of alle thing by on its own garden, that it might all things when you haven’t gone to the dust whereon the past; there to see the sea, the last and here turning, eyes in your limbs of flower, little merit, and duty to Imperiall sway. Men love is, takes limbs they all; what may discomposed lets the shores of keen delightful skill, what kind of dying, a kind of dying, a kind compassion. Where perhaps when our mouth be heir to the crevice peer’d about, lord Gregory tore him, so they might person, and the sound which struck up with thy best inquiry, tell, sweet Electra, and that right have a tongue like my grandfather till Gregory!

VII

Of youth sincere the ink be dry, the past tense, or canker’d jealous though I was a miracles? See the very Siria of the mail, drinking under bowlers. Their crest; or wealth and his life, in brief, by a most dauntless, urge the faint breeze from reddened eve he view of the yellow hair, na langer dow I stand. Come when the nights and roses; such a height, in celebrate, dan Phoebus, if thou wreck his peace, war, the gray-eyed morn about the wise, reflecting, one is withered; next look on the harder is I can find, I do not blow away as we may, we will open its ways, and we close by their Passion so intense one would never win the bats, when my Father for him.

VIII

I count no more that which reason. Nor seek I then Rebell. She had his Eyes tis all his own legs embargoed from end to end thy cruel coxcomb, in his talking safety in a coronet. And never cut from the field of snow in a day of past regrets and husks of black. But, like antique gold, and around the show’d him for his gravity; he almost closed and undressed. A library, and bites it for Rebell, and my yong soule flutters to praise refuse. And will not dwell upon ragouts or roasts, and Lady that there’s a strange was his magic power to move or moonlight of the Black and the passing teach, till he crept from the land, I allow, as a volcano go.

That Absalom, ambitious oyle, and by the State; tho far unable to prevents my WIshes, and far more sweet Tibbie Dunbar? Is, that you please, you Draw; and Sir John Pottledeep, the Lord knows, and in my dark heart, and shadow came, I cannot Praise alone, but turn’d, but these which was his Kitchen, the land! Cool, and Passion saw, and a tree or to learn to nerve it less; i’m so entangl’d and therefore, I told him his Rabinical degree, but figures in its embrace. And sweet of life in it, had also be trampling burn and leave me thus? With the crown. For sideways would come in the end of love Dear rose, grape, cherry was her exultation, beyond which mine as requires.

Blown off and scatter’d among the though God in His perversity. No further came wonders that clustered and ruin, marriage, and Pray; the City, to end thee; though each side by side. Sing injury, revenging wrong, on friendships holy Angel mild: witless woe was na breath may she die! But Israel Suite, his Crime is God’s function of love, or make false love, when he that keeps him an’ wrack him, up, the marks whereof now her plan; i’ll cross her breathing-space. Much nobler, than can the very clime and the hearth-flower to move Assemblies, who believe me, Royal Party e’r unite with a moonlight across my finger with a chill so urge you thought or comfort I have him, and hope?

Could be still Superiour found, if they talked, above the prey of sea and tourney; then the distance. And she was a great gift, upon my should have heart submit, since if the sea. It come and relight to a mean Descent, and mair we’se ne’er woman I am and of the babe unborn: first, prepare you, with thirty, should do nae mair: hers are only five. Twists, facing a dragon. The faintest relics of a hand, with nothing do, who ate, last war, more wonder at having survive. With their own Worth, and well the graced. The shoe-store … I’m lugging my cheek a fading rose fast with Pride; how happy placed, though that we can go together. Come merit to virtues might have crimes accounted been.

XII

The rustling light and by leaning much deplore, since I cannot miss, yet I’le at length breeds my desires, what will control the wars are Reserv’d, no Enemy can get a fresh Glories he displaies: and, by the Weirdlaw Hill, and is not a thousand cold Caleb free. I never: our humble; in the middle of the soi-disant mathematician; sir Henry and through our shadow-like antique tongue and tropics, to arrest they God’s beloved, love Gregory come hame? The carefully, for blunting Spirit caught that copy what I know the childbeater is out, the found where they could seem so weak they still may be my care, or captain jewels, to work upon is much more.

XIII

Have built on a sharper senses all thee! High way, since they Chose, god was the banks how fair; her beauty made to suit with a Lordly Rage, his Hunters fought indu’d with your wall like a weird song, upon the walls moon color, one is strong in turn; and so my patent back-chat. The courtier tells the early lawn, the ambulance who sang with the receding time.—Death, I said in me is wanting eye, flying through her cuckoo- song, as though she were his host, with these did Zimri stand: a man who asked, after than to rise, outrival’d by themselves; for which murmurs, or a Francis call; but he had quit, and for themselves and blood, like all my lay soar high and be wisely Joyn, the best.

XIV

The sallow walls, and a lover’s een, when kind love, think their office; yet no sins of Dura, and many a curl; or with a Laugh would not do’t in Prague sign their strength and red marmalade outside, eating soil and Jebusites your pockets but you out but thou gone? I dreamed how sacred sister Jane; in bed I think us strange? To a lord, a captain, a padded shape: tis time, O passion with the courtiers’ gems may have look’d the radio and he’s racing against his magic whisks and still instrument didst drop down a tired of my hand on the rest won’t be history and the Ballance too; so much phenomena we’ll put on Nina Simone singing O darlin’.

Yet knowing, that awkward by the old Man young, he thing I feel. To th’ utmost mite make in Ohio called Rescue Inc. She could found in the stems of thy memory. When I was sixty! ’—This is my part, thighs, it is, for love’s breath, knew the very loophole for mine and dreamed that happiness;— but as there’s safety in a moment’s violent passing completely skill’d, that old- fashion which is in the bride with than when he lay dying through there is Aunt Elizabeth, and a peace in another day! Title not all to speak contraction’s Curse, bad in it at the wind by the Tongue. With her those black and I have awake with eyes of other gives Supreme to make the Tree.

XVI

You are as I need water shall first night it is, too, the lands; let no dimme shadow came, some let Scorn secure of private Right: nor do wrong berth. But they than all a summer too, ’ said Lilia; Why not a woman sleep with thanks to all who paused a little ease between the churchyard she wish’d the still believe a growl like to the soul of the sight and most remove from hollow in the other. Upon his tunefull Harp had strung, and feeds her young snakes left a grandsire left to think such rites the primrose banks how fair; the rose; they went on within that venerable arch. Were out of marble tombs where painfully and sooner beauty of her youth in excess; and the other.

XVII

Ye are soft and small, the cause of my own dark wood; or the Hall, and quiet lake, the Sculptor’s Passion saw, and sometimes rather perish with Ins and truth is fed; Who to another pious remnant of lies. Since which young, he thinge. The sacraments have named a few, not wish to cause and makes her mat in Thailand, one is at their Consent: without you I’d been abandonment of light, that I were dried; she said, And this Advice above you sorrow there must bear thee, ’ and post away the darkness of Fitz-Fulke; the dusky groves, the youthful Chloe, tripping the other breathed the fresh and so for once impair, that her side. With lines which is there from your love no longer Just.

XVIII

For some deplore what thou, O sun, and with every paper turn: gull’d with ever to be transfer a weak, a soft, love-burdened my hand, they circles. Then, seiz’d with loss and epistemology, that’s in the night he’ll say honey bunch let’s go and here shine, with slaughters of the fumes of Wine. Within a niche, nigh to its nub, its puddle of Wyoming as they could remembred bee; wishing this wedded unto one beloved Attribute. By him who’s moving. Get with frisked curls can make the milk-white curtain, to and fro, a disease, a hard mechanic ghost that favour’d; and amidst the Noose of Goethe’s Mephistopheles; but neither look of hope on my fathers and arms.

XIX

When I pull you to me, who have thorns, and every line you may be dear, and Daies, which Hebrew Ballad in your life, this is no change one than Life, you Draw; and a voice, in that pen doth dight. Shock a connoisseur; but we, unworthy Ladies that promise set of such doom waits each landscape, that I writ, not making. A Foreign yoke to his mind, love me fast withered; now strength can say more steadily to have given the first moment, and with women: howsoe’er it a clumsy name. This manner they circle their Prince. The power of the Lady Adeline depart, nother sex: but couldst thou not in prison: My genital perhaps much better grace man, always Mourn’d; for him his turn!

With the one we ellipse about the Lady FRANCES drest of human Wit could he lies by her garden-gate; a lion ramps at the treasurer, nor dare I chide the store which was his foible, but a hornet, perhaps when true love like a Lyon, Slumbring in all these late of a bakery in Queens. And then the solemn! Whom they don’t recall what is it not your fruit. Be you still were masters Fate: in Exile he waits his Enemies, in this that have chang’d the Bosom of the sea, the leaf where and passion, drinking and loud cried she, now break from sources quite tarnished well—a man know how far the times went unexplained, and always under your fools are to live to-morrow?

XXI

You have power of the moon is mellow autumn’s day appear; the bright, which render ten for some eares not vnsweet, and child, today of past regret—no major tension in my way: these Arms may his prepossess, but care for. And whorl, how exquisitely minute, a miracle of words light, and of Retribution. By him who’s moving. A bird the raw pulsing music driving loneliness in others: we were stable, circled around to his Princes Son. And, above the stake, or walk, you were awhile, the wise man’s clothes my way: they were before the sun, how after you, partly because thee? Do you a Legacy of Barren Land: whose childbeater is out eating here.

XXII

She said, to the lands; let no dimme shadows in fit words of the sparrow’s chirrup on the friend or cease, the dim-gray dawn; but each to each one Sheaf did bind to fear that awful LOVELINESS, would fain his carefull Devil and mishap, a true retreat of sorrow by their Humour, which their Duty at a discourse true numerous grace, and keep him strugled still wants to the sky: sae warming Chloe, charming Chloe. But free from life that must bury sorrow and cozenage; and when his youthful maiden Queens. If he took one tutor us to eke out raptures which to Secure that caught himself had caught, of every one, then thou should perceive the boughs perfumes of Wine.

XXIII

How earth could see each mortal rain, with the moon is mellow autumn, a select and number. Refuse his Age the nails fell with me, which the wind. The winds are rough, between our Ruine had not going on outside, eating him to the ende such harm, so he within him his throat and always serve the talking, cheek on cheek! Till your hall, Thus he spoak: few words away; and think that one was, had wound so high to low should whet my memory of manly stedfastness; by formidable ermine which soars and streaming eyes were Useless, as are not do’t in Prague sign thy dear concern.-Flourish set on fire all they are left Defensless, to give the Spring dead with these, the last’s a miracles?

XXIV

—For God decrees of shadow across vibes. While far away, but me; that’s eleven syllables, that in the lonely moated grange. For you mark’d but more clear. Watched the world compriseth! At Henry also liked the rankness of his voiceless for making. Anywhere he bleed, you must from mine. Wow me and fix itself so quiet, when a culprit came so late, either lovers know. Which the sand, small is a spy, betray’d my liberty does contain’d the Kindred of the wooing through the cycle’s change. Greatness to create mischiefs to force to witch-on-girl violence, is rescued. The first do blow. Whether he would build far off from a smooth pearl and straight he ran, and recording Muse.

XXV

Let those who worships thee, the end of light, I’ve heard, and Hatred to a certain meant ill; but Desert. Of highest wish, so they nakedness melts in bliss, and a peace of my sweet smell of different and every paper turn’d into girls, with Kings are more than prince, possess, but move as rich in an imagination far with that love you, with him, who made yon sun and another will go to see, and the earth below thy tears, so long, and God no Grace: not Bull-fac’d Jonas, who cam so far my Clemency they still wants to the spoons and mishap, a true retreated soberly—at ten. Would make a fire with their Friends from Julia’s cheek a fading rose the embrace the iron lung.

XXVI

Because they aren’t afraid but not enough, hire brown like bloody crusades, knew to be circling inside my heart, head, hand, of legs in a dawn of cornflowers in a car, or walk by my name—lo, the glow-worm bite the deep scar of doubt, faith, tho’ but in the door, who limits all accompanied with inconsist of the certain stakes I gained, no two made new porridge for then the sedge is with trust, and ungratefull men what Barbican. And simper and puzzle all this Numerous train: from East to cancel private and could bribe. Well might not unattended on two postulates a that all the mail, lets fall asleep, no, nor fortune stop’d. Love loved you presume to untie!

XXVII

Under they thinly place, that always fair; in graces. And nothing he view of the awaked, as its guardian Fire: their bower-door, than we from some species are gazing on the shore. Force they could govern, nor dare to ventures forth, to do them when the twin spirals, and so long to their front row with a dumb look on her discerned; and had but two days of birth, wealthiest orphans of love that mine own hues and the choice will sever. I put, he pushed, and a Grecian house, greek, set with his son, always please, and caught they should rather session, and Buffoon: then with a Generals, some beneath the face of night not for ambitious Hate, hath filled with the choice of her legs I drew wine.

XXVIII

It wants, to me, thou art a girl and omnipotent, didst the memory, thou hast passed those heap’d Affronts have beat with Honourable Misters, who have long pauses of Blood, my Fear them, see thee true. Appears: nor will; heroic in its embrace this prepossessed, a way of error, a temple dwindled to a harvest for which there we two, content male wind—shaking the lava more remain the object strange barges, make along veins, between you met her, and spoke of a harsh chain, binding a Staircase or at a rehearsed the other doctrine of thee but be no other gasping for then the mouse behind Salámán in his own, peace and me. That shall I go on?

XXIX

Thou should cry open in a foreign Universal Call, to which he thrush concludes his dim vast vale of her nightdress, still a Boy, and of the cause I love me now. No True Successors Reign may make they: Henry also like those pleasant ease on such a woman, tired of the kindly season, and me. Both clear and a goodnesse show. I and there might turn all the rest of frost, hail, and cannot say I love hath my heart is all their own string the day, although it leave me thus? Tells me what is part affection will me sooner than thine where Sinne would yet has been declared an act of inurbanity, malge Sir Matthew Hale’s great Prince, are shadows lengthening as close confined been.

XXX

’Old Harp, on which other Countess Crabby; the gate, and, tis my wish, I wish you sorrow there had worn the air of Rome turned him at her but don’t without know! At once stood as mute the sense enough, but is his mouth with than words away; and could not sleeps through the snow, and then has Love Enchant your gaze, naked of Friends accuse, but, like Horace: his Nil admiration, longbow wild as an enjoyer and every youthful, charming month of your though I now deduce these had forgot, to make Examples of the most secret heart. Nor am I borne a slaue, who pay no praise the better claim, because, in the womanhood commend wise Issachar, his kind, to those beautiful olives.

XXXI

I saw pale kings, through there most from his Royal Party e’r unite with Phoebus takes a woman, O this autumn, a select and numerous train: from that love me now. His frugal care, rais’d in a crowd, and David, but their pedigrees, by name,—sweet I hear ye lie; for which point on which not only that he wished-for years, a measureless as the lands and wires a crafty loving and Delude them through the harvest. Watching longer drear, of in-door comfort of pleasure poor: how blythe be the last but once the puppets pull away. And will be thy brands back, at length must fall to hear mermaid o’ the Heart to look. But his eye; but he can tell me, that this conditional love?

XXXII

Oh, had he been cast out. And broken sheds itself so quite English root, thy brother I would be sister-tunes from out my woes for you. Where none cou’d plead and sigh and salute him from reality. To preached, thy cup’s heart and somewhat later, cleaning we were Godalmighty tribes, the ring, in lordly light all the mail, drinking latitude, turn’d me within these Gods, for Winter will break good Company. Deep, as drops are the sea! Half-legend, half dead, ere men begun to them orphans are the dances, with loss and brothers, little senses guides: he lover mark’d the sun-clouds depart themselves; for Kim. She wanting be, or gather more than one, my heart convey’d in such intertex!

XXXIII

Birch limb in it, featureless in all his pockets of delight I sing to Her unconditions, let none accused to sleep. But neither prose or siller an’ lan’! And rashly judge a Cause? ’ Poor, pale, pitiable form that I come, my fair Cloe, this may be infected woes await those strayning, doth all the Ground: that Absalon: whether he would have relished well—a man know how to remove, and a love of woman God did make me thus? Let who will invited elsewhere and Treason bold; cowring and oath and set my true-love free. Held out unto the world nis noon so witer many turtles all fair thing. And for then it grew upon the barren Womb or Grave; god cannot sleep.

XXXIV

For who fry in your labor and that no one but his eye; but he had one that are both brains, how Factious Times, with Absalom’s than thine, from thence they are in her arch’d brows, such a rate to be taken as a test. Eating designs above the bird flies hovered all quality. The circular argument of health Imagine a desease; take thy steepy night were sweetly spread their Brains were brought there’s a shaft, thou mayst thou go wi’ me, sweet of gold: nimrods, whose heart leaps in their head, half-historic, counts and psalms but for comfort long, O God, and rather than the lassie be; weel ken I my ain lassie, kind love this past; there we part, if merciful as fair, thy sweet is she!

XXXV

That all these women to lessen my desire is when I have shown, raise great impression, or told a treasures are. And let thy term is reached an universe rests on the day, as, until I hear his tooth is shun th’ extent and stemmerring Babes are like the rain drops fra my chin. If you as my cheek, in truth, with the rest, and opening heads to pierce one another does his own quite by the departure, furnish’d out with art sometimes did move behind sometimes peace that clause is hardly brooked the little torrent in the day become here the annals of Thunder shook alway, all silver-green grandsire left me gowd, a mailen plenish’d fairly; and cold Caleb free.

XXXVI

If there was the fluorescent the melancholy years, and mirrors above the King: those very wise or with missiles of thee! The shoe is freed. Fatigued with Friends, though nameless for my fair Cloe, how he can tell men, she would die; for you is that of Memnon’s Murther, by a specimen of evening came, and Contracts his Enemies, his shadow across my final aspects may compete in much ease, in him alone, the Throne woud Expose, to Plots, shall I fix you, freeze you, or find anyone I love no longer Just. Of glory, come with their Friends destroy, or changed the right, saw Seames of Death should have no more clear! After their mutual hate to hunt down with a flitting right.

XXXVII

Partly because it was to Arts a friends. ’Ve done without has two or three with someone alone like a virginity of Verse. The breeze is when Pity pleads for Sin. A bird the rivers. I am bound, all round the old choral wall: others, little maid’s reply, o mastery, while they came again, cold, in the eie of her hair; so Anacreon drawn in a blatant land, whom Kings opprest withereth too. I know that is based on the stub of her fairest face, ye weel may witness Luther. Now for a reminiscence. I will prevail, and coughed, pulled on the tincture of thy worth, and could give me ease from a flower—may thy hair fall; I mourn, my Countries Darling Son?

XXXVIII

Nor am I borne a son hae a heaven seems to break, if not what it well might widely spread a recipe he’d written with which soars and the cycle’s changed a country much transparent to be seen! And Share the flowers of sweeter far than I shall a young son in her e’re. At some were stashed in Patty’s room is the beauty to Imperiall sway. And my finally transmitted, something green the center of lightning has brought me in! Who knows no ebb to its breath with a daring din past whip, past all price, when it also suits and set thee for a Darling Son? So I touch of this: one is wiping through the sunny noon; gie me thus? With me through swordsman, in his grave thorn!

XXXIX

The Courtier’s art: large was their chose for me. The sparks of fire, a nurse of one, which was the dimness of my mouth and nestled in her I courted: wha spied I but my visits without has two or three long since, the Nation’s Curse, that matter heaven! Seven- headed monster, that University. During him to that opprest, their union would be sure to Madness into the Sword, which, there lie perdus three-inch scar glowed a green completely be her foes with proud cost of day? Of your hands as trees borne a slaue, who serve people to Betray’d by one poor sodger ne’er woman put down a tired of being happy wilt in the moon, were Crime is God’s beloved Attribute.

To keep. How our villeggiatura will be to step had trodden black. Sometimes peace return and sky do melt as love that bloody shirt! Look at some point, I read of old Jerusalem, of hospitable Soul and bound, so that falls in well with gnarled barber lays his battle unroll’d! And seemed enormous down by him advantage of time and my passive youthful, charming moon. Directions may as well night or comfort her, all thy fresh blood runs out across him an’ wrack him, until I heard, cupid’s armor would not gain’d in woe, or like wind; and then spak her father, he will shoe my bower? Accuse me not, madam: by your Title into a bee, and would, on condition.

XLI

His company would fail and rain. I saw pale kings, tho’ this was the grass by night as possibly for the penny that way he met me, beaming, and Desire arose, girt on her Lip—when a child do deeds and chains where Beauty, but still she was unworthy being so seen to be the better side; nor chose, awhile doubt, faith, tho’ but in the cloisters echoed yet with wondering to the air of Rome turned on women through he lov’d the Small remain on me. The Prostrate the scenting Folly far behind thee so long, O God, and scatter’d my middle- aged to me with my lines be seen! Can leade you right hues that those who were, or are to light lent it self in her tho’ I die.

#poetry #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Markov chains #Markov chain length: 7 #202 texts #Meredith sonnet sequence

1 note · View note

bunnykitty13 · 1 year ago

Note

im not sure how to word this without it sounding parasocial(my socially inept ass x_x) but it's so genuinely awesome and empowering to see how far you've come over the years(been here since Ye Olden Days). i know life still has its challenges obviously but I'm glad you're doing better now regardless. stay strong bro!! (also your art style really tickles the brain :eye emoji:

DW UR FINE ik when someones being too parasocial and ive always been pretty public abt my Life Journey sooo >_<. i appreciate it a lot thank you!!

the only way i ever persevered is telling myself the only way outta the fire is to run straight through and it ended up being totally true. took a lot of pain and patience to get through to the other side but reaping the rewards of my labor finally is more rewarding than i ever couldve imagined ^_^

cant recommend therapy and a deep and honest introspection enough LOL i never would have recovered without some tough love from myself and my found family

#obv im human so i still have dark times but it will never feel like it did before. if youve been here since Ye Olden Days u know what i mean #asks #anonymous

1 note · View note

riderborn · 2 years ago

Text

✧ ⸻ [ lizeth selene, genderfluid, they / she ] ; congratulations on surviving the parapet, cadet carmen jimenez, and welcome to the rider’s quadrant ! at twenty - three years old, you should know exactly what it takes to make it to graduation, especially being so persevering and ardent. though, i do suppose your tendencies to be obstinate and disdainful may make it hard to survive until threshing. other cadets say you remind them of the way your heart remains lodged in your throat long after carrying out a risky flight maneuver, an unsettling gaze that is both frigid & sweltering, split knuckles wrapped around a dagger rusted with blood, but we’ll have to see how true that is. remember: if you want a dragon — earn one.

I. BASICS .

full name. carmen ana jimenez. age. twenty - three. gender. genderfluid. pronouns. they / them & she / her ( please use them interchangeably ! ) current location. rider’s quadrant. status. single ; unattached. orientation. queer / lesbian / homoromantic. siblings. none. signet. not yet manifested. dragon. not yet bonded. allegiance. the rider’s quadrant.

II. APPEARANCE .

hair. near - black hair that throws warm brown hues in the light, typically worn piled atop their head haphazardly or in its natural texture in waves across her shoulders. eyes. midnight colored. height. five feet three inches. scars. various small nicks across her joints from her childhood of training to become a rider. relics. none yet.

III. MISCELLANOUS.

position. first year, first wing, tail section, second squad member. strengths. persevering, ardent, valiant. weaknesses. obstinate, disdainful, singleminded. hogwarts house. gryffindor. alignment. chaotic neutral. zodiac sign. gemini. media inspirations. johanna mason ( the hunger games ), danika fendyr ( crescent city ), sam carpenter ( scream franchise ), jesper fahey ( grishaverse ), kol mikaelson ( the originals ).

IV. BIOGRAPHY.

carmen was not meant to be a rider at birth. they were born to a single mother, a healer who considered herself meek & soft-spoken. everyone always joked that they had no clue where this child had come from, all lifted chins & bared teeth & reckless ferocity. & yet carmen always loved their mother just the same, never thinking less of the fact that miss jimenez was a healer even though carmen always knew she was destined for more. so their mother, ever the people pleaser, allowed carmen to train from as young as ten years old with the mindset that it’s better that she prepares her for danger than trying to keep her from it & getting her killed. so carmen worked as hard as they could, every day, for twelve years to be worthy of crossing the parapet & bonding with a dragon. it almost didn’t happen, as right before carmen was meant to leave for basgiath, her mother became secretive & reclusive, staying up late & looking unwell, as if the life had been sucked out of her. understandably, carmen grew worried, asking repetitively what was going on but their mother kept tight lips, said little, & continued encouraging their child to prepare for what awaited them. now that carmen is here, fully immersed in the rider’s quadrant & eating, sleeping, & breathing this life, they’re starting to wonder if perhaps their mother’s elusiveness has to do with something that might put her in danger, but with the tight rules about outside correspondence, their hands are tied. they’re trying their very best to make it through this first year, although they have full confidence that they will. they’ve prepared every waking moment for the last decade for this, although they’re having a hard time wrapping their head around all the death that surrounds them now that they’re here. they always knew how consistently death showed his face in basgiath, but with every person carmen kills or every friend she watches die they grow angrier & angrier, threatening to boil over at any given moment.

personality wise, carmen is a lot like their media inspirations. they’re very johanna mason coded -- cutthroat when they need to be, grief manifesting in anger, & doesn’t do well with authority figures ( when they’re in the wrong, that is ). i imagine them breaking quite a few rules while they’re in basgiath, but also working her ass off to get where she needs to be in order to bond a dragon. i also think that carmen & their mother both are probably rebellion sympathizers but obviously that’s not common knowledge or anything they would verbalize, but just something that’s been bouncing around in their brain since they are kind of anti - authority in a lot of ways. also she’s very much an act first think later type person. talk shit n you WILL get hit. n e ways, i’d love some very chaotic things for my very chaotic child !

V. WANTED CONNECTIONS.

enemies enemies enemies !!! be it people that see what a threat carmen is with how quickly they’ve been flying through the challenges thus far, or people who just give bombastic side eye due to their inability to follow rules i just would really like some negative angsty things for car < 3

perhaps a little romantic tension for the girlies.... i would just love some wlw angst here tbfh doesn’t matter if it’s past or present

friends who are children of traitors or w / e .... again i think carmie is a rebellion sympathizer so she’d definitely be befriending those with rebellion relics

older riders who either don’t like carmen’s spunk / confidence / ego or who see a mini version of themselves in her & want to teach them all that they know

chaotic reckless friends who are encouraging carmen’s bad decisions like piercing their nose in their first year barracks late at night or drinking so much they’re hungover in class the next day

literally anything else pls

#basgiath.intro

2 notes · View notes

investigatorysuspect · 3 years ago

Text

Post Mortem

They danced with the the specter of death long before they greeted it. Fifteen moments in Natasha's life (and the lives of those she loves) shared with Death.

Written for be_compromised Halloween Trick or Treat.

Warnings: language, canonical character death, death-centered content and descriptions (no gore). Rated T.

I & II. Russian Orthodox and folk tradition distinguish between a good death and a bad death. Each with the means to affect the living and the dead.The Red Room distinguishes between methods of death and purposes of death. Each for the motives of opportunity and impact.

For three days the body is laid out. For forty days, the spirit wanders. It is supported on its journey by those left alive, who take equal care in warding against the greedy overreach by Death.

The Red Room reaps its students and the bodies disappear. Natasha cannot spare the emotion to consider it. Tomorrow there will be a new Irina, a new Karina, a new Sofia. Natasha’s concern is that tomorrow, there will be no new Natalia. What function do funeral rites serve when there are no souls to steward?

[Sometimes they visit her in dreams]

[Sometimes she braids in a twist as Ninochka did]

In the chaos after Budapest, a Widow escapes the grip of the Red Room and flounders, adrift. Three years later, Natasha chases a lead on a string of assassinations and recognizes the handiwork. The Widow had wrenched herself from her former life but could not make the transition to her next one. Natasha wants to save her [almost saves her], but the woman clips Clint with a bullet and Natasha knows they will not be so lucky on the rebound.

Clint teaches Natasha how to use a bench plane and he spreads juniper sprigs as the pine coffin passes. Natasha ties a belt around the white dress and drops rubles in the grave. The headstone is simple but solid. Tatiana Pavlova has a place in this world and the next one too.

III & IV. When seventeen year-old Kenny Robinson gets bucked off a spooked horse and stains a boulder with the last of his warm blood, Clint’s mom bakes Mrs. Robinson a casserole that she ropes Clint into carrying over, shielded by a kitchen towel and smarting the palms of his hands as it is. When eleven year-old Clint Barton’s parents die after his dad crashes their vehicle into someone else’s, his neighbors deliver hamburger helper in a pyrex dish. Swordsman leaves teenage Clint for dead on a road outside of Ames and even Midwest nice does not have crockery to acknowledge the tragedy.

When thirty year-old Clint Barton spits on the grave of his father, he thinks about taking a piss too, but he is dehydrated from his drive across half the country, and also, some fucker had decided to put his dad’s plot right next to his mom’s. That fucker was his brother, and Clint does not get why he’d gotten a vote, since Barney had been a kid himself at the time. The stop was an impulsive detour, anyway, and Clint still needs to swing by a store and pick up the last ingredients for dinner. Four months pregnant, Laura had been made to settle into their new homestead on her own while Clint got sent to Azerbaijan. He looks forward to surprising her with an early arrival that he’ll follow-up with home-cooked shepherd’s pie and Martinelli’s. Shit, he can’t forget the Martinelli’s.

V. At one point in one timeline, Vision will ask Wanda “What is grief, if not love persevering.” And if Natasha heard that question, at certain points, in many timelines, she would respond, “What is love?” And if Clint was there, at most points, in every timeline, Clint would answer, “It is this.”

VI. Even with an infant at home, Clint invites Wanda to join Natasha at the farm the autumn following Ultron. She shuffles through the front door a bowed creature and engages with her environment nervously until the florid sugar skull bearing Lila’s refusal to stay inside the lines draws her attention to the fridge. Tracing a finger around the hollows of an eye, she fidgets with the Star of David around her neck.

Later, Lila hops off the bathroom counter and shimmies her shoulders to flap the wings suspended down her back. Cooper tells Natasha that he learned about metamorphosis in school and segues clumsily into the creation of Frankenstein’s monster. He trails off so that Natasha can apply the face paint around his mouth and tilts his head obligingly for the line of stitches at his brow.

Wearing their own cheap masks, Natasha and Wanda drive the kids to the city of Spencer and escort them through the neighborhoods best known for king-size candy bars. A child in an overpriced white sheet trips on the sidewalk in front of them and Wanda shakes herself from her startle to help gather the spilled goodies. Natasha watches a young girl wearing a Black Widow get-up skip towards a front door and ring the doorbell twice. Long past dark, the Barton kids are shepherded back into the car and they head for home. It is a struggle against weighted limbs to switch nylon for flannel before they can tuck over-exhausted children into bed. Baby monitor in hand, Clint offers apple cider, which Wanda accepts, and alcohol, which Natasha pours. Sitting around the worn kitchen table littered with torn chocolate wrappers, Wanda strokes the metal of her pendant once and cups her mug between both hands.

“Pietro would have liked it, I think…” she says. “Halloween in America.”

Laura reaches and places her hand over Wanda’s. “We are glad you came.”

VII & VIII. Clint does not erect crosses for his family and, not feeling it her right, Natasha does not either. Some days it feels too hard to get out of bed and Natasha thinks her grief will swallow her whole. But if no one dies until their living memory does, Natasha will not go gently.

[When memories were ripped from her, was that a second murder, or the first?]

She drives without interruption to Iowa but pulls off the highway to sob at a rest stop. Re-routing, memory guides her to the cemetery populated with the remains of Edith and Harold Barton. She tidies both graves and talks to a mother about the man she knew her son to be. She tries not to think of that man as dead. Maybe next time she will make it to the homestead to do the same cleaning.

IX. For seventy-three hours and twenty-one minutes after Thanos snapped his fingers, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier stands unguarded, at which point a ninety-two year old veteran takes up the post. Dreykov tells Natasha that the tombstone of her mother read “unknown.” When Natasha passes a grave without a name, she leaves a token for the dead.

X. Steve purses his lips when Sam describes Operation Wandering Soul. In the kitchen preparing herself a cup of tea, Natasha mirrors the expression.

“It is something the Red Room could have had me design, if they had reason to, and I was alive then,” she shares and draws a look from Steve.

It is true that not every line in her ledger tallies dead bodies. But not every wail in the night is amplified distortion.

XI. Clint takes his family to a theme park and Cooper drags them all through a haunted house. He laughs at the canned moaning and wiggles his arms in front of the convex mirrors to tickle the trembling out of Lila. After they exit, he follows the flow of traffic until yellow ducks with red targets drop ice down his spine. Natasha diverts the incoming offensive with a challenge at the water gun race. She wins Cooper a stuffed dragon with his last game ticket and he tries to use the plushie to barter Lila for three more. Only a trace of pallor lingers on Clint’s face when he takes Laura's hand and slings an arm around Natasha's shoulder. At a food stall, he buys them all cotton candy and Natasha evaluates if the taste seems novel as the sugar crystals dissolve on her tongue like Ohio.

XII . When Europe hollowed its earth for living flesh to decompose next to shell-shocked ghosts, it resurrected spirituality on the homefront. Blackout curtains bore witness to the popularization of séances; there were too few repatriated bodies before which to pray.

When Thanos snaps his fingers, his immediate victims do not leave bodies either. Seeing their territory swallowed up by tombstones over unbroken ground, some administrations restrict graves for the other casualties— the victims of the plane crashes and the chemical spills, the starvations and the untreated illnesses, the suicides. Allegedly, at least a few functionaries go so far as to require corpse inspection at burials.

Reconciling The Decimation is a free-for-all. Some people clutch Revelations like it can anchor their matter to this plane, others erect altars and burn incense for the next iteration of their ancestors. A neighbor explains the failure of the spirits to answer her calls as proof that the snapped yet lived and a grandson knocks the bible from his grandfather’s hands, shouting, “God is dead.” Theologians tug at fraying vestments and scramble to revisit foundational texts. Philosophers in sweater-vests and leather jackets debate metaphysics and morality.

Clint turns to an empty field, the last wisps of his children already gone, and for five years becomes Death, at the end of which time, he looks down at a yellow rock in his hand and wrestles with the reality of his own soul. The return of what was once half of all living kind serves as proof of concept to many and they are hounded with questions on what they remember, what they experienced, what prayers they heard. Clint lets Wanda’s confidence reassure him for a moment that somewhere, in some form, Natasha endures.

XIII. Clint scrubs at the build-up on the bolt. It is such a routine process that he could do it in his sleep. Instead, he remembers what Omari told him that morning. “Sierra Team lost Moreau on their mission in Manila two weeks ago.”

Natasha reaches for the lubricant. “Moreau… he the one with the god-awful gumbo at the New Year’s party?”

“Yeah. GSW to the chest. Died on scene.”

“Who’re they thinking to replace him with?”

“Oliviera.”

“She’s a good choice.” Clint agrees with her, moves on to the barrel, starts to hum, and then interrupts himself.

“What will it take for you to make your baklava this year?”

“A few charges of insubordination. Hill wants me for the hit in Ljubljana.”

Clint supposes it's all the same. Hopefully, he’ll still be on holiday leave for the first. If the poor suckers at base didn’t eat all the baklava at the party, the leftovers would probably have been stale by the time he got back.

“You think you’ll make it back in time for Lila’s birthday?”

Lila’s birthday is in February. “I dunno. Has the date changed.”

“You are a jackass”

“Should just be a standard op. Tell Lila she still needs to ask you first about the pony.”

XIV, XV & XVI. Natasha cries, messily, for what she feels must be the hundredth time. She tells Laura this and adds that she hadn’t even spoken to Yelena since she was eleven years old. Laura wraps Natasha in her arms and explains that grief is not a linear process, not a neat process, not an exclusive one.

Laura soothes the last of Lila’s sniffles, pulls the bedspread up to her chin, and presses a kiss where the furrows of her brow have eased. Back in her own room, she cocoons herself fully under the weight of her down comforter and reminds herself that grief is not a linear process, not a neat process, not an exclusive one. While she is straddling the border of wakefulness and sleep, Clint burrows into her shelter and reaches out to rub salty residue with the weathered pad of his thumb.

Yelena unfolds herself from the grass above Natasha’s grave and stands. Pressing a last kiss to the cold stone, she whistles for Fanny and then whistles for Natasha. Only one of them responds.

#natasha romanoff #black widow fanfiction #grief and mourning #natasha romanoff & clint barton

7 notes · View notes

hallowed-be-thy-username · 2 years ago

Note

To Papa IV,

I feel selfish for ranting, so my sincerest apologies.

Recently, I felt like I am not enough. I graduated last year, and I should be in college by now, but I've been living with my friend, and I feel horrible about it. I have a job, and I buy my own things, but I still can't shake the feeling of being a burden to everyone around me. If I ever told my friend, I think that they would believe I was making a joke, or that I was pathetic. I've tried everything I possibly could to get rid of this feeling. I have tried telling a therapist, I have tried to think positively, I have tried living on my own, but it didn't work, and I moved back in with my friend.

I am very sorry for telling you this and wasting your time.

Sincerely, a Sister of Sin

Dearest Sister,

No apologies necessary, little dove. First thing’s first, and I say this with affection, do not apologize for this. It is certainly is not selfish to get things off your chest, yes? Otherwise it sits and festers, rotting your heart. Second, I am so proud of you! Nothing has been easy during this lifetime, but especially not the last few years, and not only have you graduated but you also have a job to support yourself! This is a big achievement, piccola. You have persevered.

I understand what it is like to feel like a burden. You feel small, like you blend into the background, and maybe you want to stay there because it can feel worse to try to step forward. But you have so much ahead of you. Many opportunities for when it feels right to take that step. Here and now, celebrate how far you’ve come, be gentle with yourself and practice recognizing this, set yourself up for success. Once you reach a point where you are comfortable with this, focus on your growth. Growth of any kind requires proper care and conditions.

Not everyone takes life at the same pace. Find yours and do not focus on what “should” be, only what is. Don’t be sorry for this, sweetheart. Remember you are worth all of this.

All my love,

- IV

#asks for the papas #papa emeritus iv #❤️

6 notes · View notes

pacifymebby · 3 years ago

Note

Not an ask but I love how you and B are the perfect companions/partners/lovers. The way you talk about him is so romanic. Tell us your secret to love haha?

Aw bestie this is cute <3

I mean we're not the perfect couple, we do argue sometimes and its not always easy but i guess we do have a very calm and lovely little relationship.

I think a lot of it works just because we're well matched? Im a very anxious, over-thinker who struggles to stand up for herself. Im one of those vague wishy washy creatives that gets dubbed "too empathetic" and B is a very sturdy and earthy kind of boy, hes a logical thinker and although he has empathy he doesnt let people take the piss/knows how to stand up for himself. Like our differences make us fit together like a little jigsaw.

Hes also just really really kind and warm and like, just a really lovely boy. Wouldnt hurt a fly (litterally will not hurt any living creature, when he gets rid of spiders for me he picks them up so carefully and has whole conversations with them whilst hes taking them outside. He'll even pick a perfect spot to put them down as well) he a very pure man i guess haha.

I phoned him the other day when i was feeling super anxious and the minute i heard his voice i just immediately calmed down it was like a wave washing over me. And when i told him he couldnt even understand why he was just like "oh... Thats good im glad.." now every time he answers the phone he asks me "did it happen again?" like hes really proud of the fact its so cute.

Idk though i think relationships have to be about friendship and mutual respect, nothing is better than feeling both loved and respected, knowing someone cares about you in that way is very important and i think the only way you can have a healthy relationship.

I think sometimes falling in love with your best friend is actually the right thing to do and very much worth the risk.

This is definitely the happiest healthiest relationship ive ever had and i think its because the physical and sexual attraction came when we'd already been friends for like 2 years.

Idk, i guess some of its just nature and how we are, and i do kind of believe in soulmates and that everything in my life was leading me to meet him... But then also staying together and maintaining a loving relationship is about persevering and sticking it out through difficult patches.

B puts up with a lot of shit because i am very much not mentally well, and we do have differences of opinion/temperament and like expectations sometimes. So we both have to be determined you know?

Like i think maybe being determined to love is something important?

Sorry i feel like theres 0 advice or insight here and just me talking about how lovely B is haha

2 notes · View notes

mjalti · 4 years ago

Note

Miss Mjalti am i being ridiculous for wanting to quit my full time job for a part time gig? im making the most money i ever have, im eligible for benefits, and ive been at this place for a little over a month but i hate it soo much. im bored, i dont really interact with other people, and i cant listen to music. ever since i started this job my mental health has been in the pits. I need the money and i wanted to challenge myself by trying to stay on for a year but honestly i dread waking up every weekday. i think id feel better if i had more time for myself which part time would accommodate, but im worried im just being weak/ not persevering.

Don't challenge yourself for "a year". Challenge yourself for an emergency fund. Collect enough money to cover your expenses for 6 months to a year, so that when you do quit, you're not trading one bad mental health situation for another. Have an escape plan, but an actual plan, not a wish. I can't tell you what is or isnt ridiculous for YOU. I just know what would make my life easier if I were stuck at a shitty job.

#qnotqueue #anonymous

32 notes · View notes

tired-eyes-cold-as-ice · 4 years ago

Text

MERCER'S BOULANGERIE

Chapter IV. - Julie Molina

Summary: Mondays are rough, but at least there's Julie. Alex owns a bakery and thinks he’s got everything he needs until a gorgeous skateboarder crashes into his life and turns his whole world upside down. A story full of sweet pastries, yearning, and a lot of sadness… with a happy ending of course. Read on AO3, 3k taglist in the reblogs <3 Chapter Warnings: brief death mention, implied panic attack

Monday was, unsurprisingly, extremely rough.

Most Mondays were, but thanks to the combination of his persevering anxiety from the night before and lack of sleep partially caused by said anxiety, Alex was just about ready to throw in the towel, give up on all his bakery dreams and stay in bed for at least another month, hidden away from the world and all responsibilities.

Unfortunately, the rational part of his brain was quick to dismiss that idea by pointing out that if he didn’t pay rent, he wouldn’t really have a bed to sleep in for a whole month. Cursing that rational part of his brain, Alex rolled out of bed with a deep and heavily annoyed groan and shuffled around his room to grab whatever clothes he could find before making his way out and into the kitchen. No time to sit by the window and observe the city slowly waking up alongside him, but enough time to chug at least two cups of coffee to make up for the hours of sleep he so foolishly lost.

By the time he made it to the bakery, the clock read 5:14 a.m., and just like every morning, Alex began regretting his decision to start a business whose primary customer base were people grabbing breakfast before work. Alex was anything but a morning person. It was something he actually shared in common with Luke and Reggie, except they made the smart decision of taking over a store that was rarely busy in the morning, and opened at nine.

But, just like every morning, any feelings of discontent or annoyance disappeared as soon as Alex put on his apron and got to work. The heat from the preheating ovens caressed his cheeks much like his mother used to do as he sculpted shapes out of dough and pieces of pastry, piped out swirls of batter, and mixed up all sorts of wondrous fillings—sweet and savory alike. He hummed along to the music coming out of the small radio he had set up in the far end corner of the kitchen, just loud enough to be heard but quiet enough for Alex to be able to lose himself in his own little world.

As much as he hated waking up early, he forced himself to do so every time just so that he would have those couple of hours all to himself, turning his early mornings into a ritual of sorts. He could dance around the kitchen while the first batch of croissants puffed up in the oven, and he could sing along carelessly as he filled up all different kinds of quiches and tartelettes . He wouldn’t trade his early morning baking sessions for anything.

Especially since he was rarely alone at the bakery these days.

---

Julie Molina had a vibrancy to her that very few people possessed.

It was the reason she immediately caught Alex’s eye when she walked into Merci for the very first time, all bright smiles and curly hair and big eyes that seemed to sparkle as she looked around excitedly. The girl was wearing a pair of light wash jeans that were covered in hand-painted flowers of all shapes and colors, and a simple yellow tank top that complemented her skin tone beautifully. There was also a black tote bag slung over her shoulder which was filled with records undoubtedly purchased at Peters & Patterson .

Alex was so focused on trying to figure out which records she bought he didn’t even realize he was staring. Thankfully, the girl didn’t seem to mind. Instead, her smile widened even more when Alex finally met her eye.

“The guys at the music store said this place had the best coffee and pastries in town, so I just had to come see for myself,” she grinned at Alex, who found himself feeling strangely at ease. While he was always polite and tried his best to be friendly and welcoming, Alex really struggled with making small talk with customers. It never felt natural and his anxiety always got the best of him, leaving him feeling panicked and freaked out more often than not. This girl was different, though. Not that Alex was complaining.

“I’m pretty sure Reggie is incapable of lying so it must be true,” he said in response, unable to stop a smile from spreading over his face at the thought of his friends hyping up his bakery to their own customers. That granted him a giggle from the girl.

“Yeah, he seemed like it. You’re Alex, right?”

He gave her a hesitant nod in confirmation.

“Sorry, the guys kept mentioning your name so I’m just trying to fit the puzzle pieces together. I’m Julie,” she explained, extending her hand over the counter as she introduced herself. There was something so charming and genuine about her, and judging by the way Alex’s phone kept buzzing in his pocket, Luke and Reggie must’ve noticed it too.

He happily shook Julie’s hand and took her order, making sure to memorize it as something told him this girl was quickly going to become his favorite regular. And while his hunch was right, Alex could have never predicted that Julie Molina would go from being a regular at his bakery to a close friend in the span of just a couple of weeks.

Seeing Julie waltz into Merci with either Reggie or Luke (or sometimes both of them) by her side became a part of Alex’s daily routine. Julie fit in so well it felt crazy to think that there was ever a time when she wasn’t a part of the group. The boys quickly learned that she was still in college (majoring in music, of course) and that she had just recently moved in with her best friend Flynn not too far from where Luke and Reggie lived. She shared their sense of humor and love for music, and Alex couldn’t help but feel strangely connected to her ever since Julie told them about losing her mom when she was a teenager.

She was the first person besides his sister who seemed to truly get it—that bittersweet feeling Alex felt every time he switched the oven on, the overwhelming sense of belonging in his chest anytime he brushed his fingers over the pages of his mother’s old recipe book. While Alex had baking, Julie had music, and strangely enough, it was this peculiar bond of theirs that led to Julie working at the bakery.

Merci ’s first anniversary was quickly approaching and Alex was convinced that the whole city must’ve figured it out somehow because the store had never been busier. While certainly great for business, the large crowds of people constantly flooding in and out were starting to take a toll on Alex. His anxiety was through the roof pretty much every day and it didn’t take long before he reached his breaking point.

It was a day like any other, peak lunch rush hour, and Alex felt like he was going to pass out. Everything was too much. The lights were too bright, the voices were too loud, his chest felt too tight, but Alex kept going on full autopilot, too focused on his tasks to stop. So lost in the spiral of his own thoughts he barely registered Luke and Julie walking in and instantly making their way behind the counter beside him.

Next thing he knew he was hunched over in the back of the kitchen, struggling to catch his breath while Julie rubbed his back in comfort and Luke took care of customers in the front.

It took a while for his heart to stop racing, for his brain to calm down, and his lungs to start cooperating but eventually, Alex was able to get back to work. In the kitchen, that is, baking stuff that was running low or highly in demand with shaky fingers and a hazy mind. Luke had decidedly banned him from getting back behind the counter after taking just one look at him, so while the guitarist dealt with customers, Alex stayed in the comfort of the kitchen, taking orders from Julie who was constantly running back and forth between the two of them to keep Alex informed on what was happening, and to help Luke operate the coffee machine.

Alex ended up closing early that day.

Luke and Julie insisted on staying and helping him clean up since they were still worried about him, and Alex did not have the strength to protest so he at least offered to supply them with tons of free coffee and any leftover pastries they wanted as a thank you.

“Seriously, guys, thank you. You have no idea how much you saved me today,” he told them once the bakery was all locked up and the three of them were standing outside on the sidewalk. Alex kept his head low while he spoke, fighting off the embarrassment that was slowly crawling its way into his head. He knew it was his anxiety working overtime, but that didn’t make him feel any less shit about the events of that day.

He was broken out of his trance by Luke, who wrapped the baker up in a tight, warm hug which Alex immediately melted into.

“I think we do, bro. Go get some rest, you need it,” said the guitarist after a moment as he pulled away, smiling up at Alex kindly although his eyes were still filled with worry. He gave Alex’s shoulder a pat for good measure and shot Julie one of his signature grins before taking off in the direction of the music store where Reggie was undoubtedly losing his mind by that point.

Once he was gone, Alex turned to Julie who was still nursing her last cup of coffee in her hands. There was a gentle smile on her lips as she took a sip, humming quietly under her breath.

“Have you ever thought about getting some actual help? I know this place is your baby, Alex, but I’m not sure how long you’ll be able to run it as a one-man show, especially after today…”

There was nothing but love behind her words, but they still made Alex groan unhappily. He knew Julie was right. He had actually been thinking of hiring someone for a while now, but the idea always made him shudder. Hiring someone meant letting someone else into his dream, into his little paradise, and Alex couldn’t imagine allowing some stranger who didn’t understand what all of this meant to him to get that close.

Like Julie said, Merci was his baby and Alex had involuntarily turned into an overprotective suburban mother who would rather smother her child in her arms than give them space to grow and blossom.

He let out a long, deep sigh as he thought, looking anywhere but the girl in front of him. He finally settled on staring at the sky above, studying the clouds as they passed by slowly. One of them was shaped like a croissant.

But what if it wasn’t a stranger?

Huh?

What if it was someone who did understand? What if it was someone who already knew?

Oh.

For the first time that day, Alex could feel a genuine smile take over his face.

“Hey, Julie? Ever wanted to work at a bakery?”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

---

“How come you never dance like this when I’m around?”

It was almost as if the record abruptly scratched as Julie’s voice cut through the music, startling Alex and nearly having him drop the tray of madeleines he was carrying to the oven while absent-mindedly swaying his hips to the rhythm of an unfamiliar Taylor Swift song playing from the radio.

The tray, thankfully, avoided its rendez-vous with the floor by virtue of Julie Molina’s cat-like reflexes, and the girl gave Alex an apologetic smile before delivering the treats into their designated oven—one of the few things she was actually allowed to do in the kitchen in regards to baking.

Even though Julie had been helping out at the bakery for nearly a year now, Alex still refused to let her or anyone else really help him with preparing pastries or other baked goods, unless they were cleaning up or moving trays in and out of ovens (and even that was a Julie Molina privilege, considering Reggie was the biggest klutz on Earth, and the one time he let Luke do it ended with a trip to the ER because the genius decided to grab the burning hot baking tray with his bare hands ).

It wasn’t necessarily about her lack of skills. In fact, Alex was pretty sure Julie knew how to bake a little already and he was certain she would pick up his know-how in no time if she wanted to. She seemed genuinely intrigued by the craft and while Alex often refused to admit it, he could certainly use an additional pair of hands in the kitchen on a day like this.

No, the problem lay elsewhere.

Baking was just too intimate. It was one thing to let Julie help out in the store but another to give her a clear passage straight to his heart. Every time Alex rolled up a piece of pastry into the perfect little croissant, every time he picked up a packet of flour or felt the heat of the oven graze over his cheeks, he saw his mother right there beside him.

His beautiful mother with her kind eyes and loving, supportive smiles that could light up the whole room. His mother, who would guide his hands whenever he felt lost or unsure, and who Alex would sometimes whisper to when he was certain he was alone. Quiet, one-sided conversations about everything and nothing that felt too familiar and made his heart ache, but ones he couldn’t let go.

It’s not you, it’s me.

Julie seemed to understand, though. She never pushed, never probed for more than Alex offered. She was patient and understanding and Alex was pretty sure she was an angel for that.

The oven door snapped shut and after a couple of seconds of watching the treats inside through the tiny window ( quality control, duh ), Julie turned back to Alex with a small smirk on her face.

“Sorry, boss, didn’t mean to scare you.”

The nickname made Alex audibly groan. Being an angel apparently didn’t prevent you from also being an annoying little shit.

“I’ll forgive you on the condition that you never call me that again,” he grumbled, receiving a grin and a mock salute from the younger girl in response before she grabbed a couple of freshly baked croissants to cut up and turn into breakfast sandwiches—one of their best selling items, courtesy of Julie Molina herself.

They worked in comfortable silence for a while, occasionally broken by Julie humming along to whatever song came up on the radio. While Alex finished up in the kitchen, Julie moved to the front of the store to wipe down the counter, as well as the three small tables near the window, and get the coffee machine ready for the morning rush.

By the time they finished, it was 7:01 and Merci was officially open and awaiting its first hungry, caffeine-deficient customers.

“So, what’s today’s special going to be? I’m not seeing anything fancy just yet,” Julie asked matter-of-factly as she made her way back into the kitchen to grab a couple of the pains au chocolats Alex had just taken out of the oven to put them out on display, making the baker stop dead in his tracks.

Today’s special.

Huh.

The thought hadn’t even crossed his mind that morning, too focused on getting everything ready in time and not falling asleep in the process. While Alex liked to change up the selection of pastries they offered every day (mainly because macarons were a pain in the ass to make and there was no way Alex was putting himself through that every single day), there were some items that were an every-day staple at Merci —croissants, rolls, quiches and tartelettes of all kinds and fillings were definitely included on that list and, among others, so was the special .

Something Alex dreamed up the night before or felt inspired to make on his way to work. Something he made up on the spot, no recipes or guides. He simply let his mind wander and every day, it created something new and exciting, something special . A habit he had unintentionally picked up from his mother, who used baking to express herself and her feelings. Alex still remembered the cake she made when they found out his grandmother passed away. Dark, heavy, and intense, with pieces of bitter chocolate, ginger and licorice.

It took him years to understand it tasted like grief .

Alex only realized he picked up this habit on the day he opened Merci when he found himself preparing little profiterole cream puffs with tiny cat faces drawn in chocolate that were soft and fluffy just like Bonnie and tasted like pure comfort.

Alex made a special like that every single day. Except for this one, apparently.

“I, uh, I’m actually not sure. Nothing’s really coming to me if I’m being honest,” he finally said, sounding just as surprised as Julie looked. That was certainly a first.

She blinked up at him slowly, clearly still processing the information in her brain, before giving Alex a small smile.

“Well, maybe today’s special is that there is no special. That’s pretty… special,” Julie suggested, awkwardly, as she put a couple of the pastries on a platter to carry them over to the display cabinets.

“Yeah… yeah, no, totally. Maybe I’m just waiting for my muse to walk in,” Alex chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. Julie simply offered him another supportive smile before turning on her heel to get back behind the counter as the little bell above the door announced the arrival of their first customer of the day.

15 notes · View notes

beyondthecosmicvoid · 4 years ago

Photo

DUNE (2021) MOVIE REVIEW: THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKENED!

Everything you love from pop culture, including #StarWars, has been greately influenced by Frank Herbert's Dune saga. Continued by his son, Brian Herbert, and his co-author, Kevin J Anderson, the Dune universe spans many eons and storylines that all mash up together to give a complex storyline that at the center of it, remains timeless. It is the struggle to free the mind, the ties that binds us across time and space to family, culture and the sense of finding ourselves in an ever changing landscape. When you read the saga, especially the original saga started by Frank Herbert, you don't feel like you are reading a space opera but rather a historical tale. Something that has been persevered thanks to the voice of history and the cruel efforts of one family against the sands of time. Frank Herbert, inspired by Isaac Asimov's FOUNDATION saga (of which an adaptation has also been made, albeit it is as a series for the streaming platform Apple +), understood the importance of ancestral memory or rather history. If we are to move forward, we have to take into account the past. But more than that, we have to be careful how we choose to remember and who we choose to follow.

*SPOILERS* (Thou Have been Warned!)

The film comprises only the first half of the first book. As such, we don't get to see Paul fighting Feyd or meeting Princess Irulan to force her into marriage to solidify his future bloody imperial reign. Paul does come to be self-aware near the end of this film, but he's also terrified by what he knows he must do in order to save humanity from extinction and into the golden path. In the books, we get a better sense into his psyche. This being a visual medium, the director did a good job highlighting this via the acting of Timothee Chalamet and his visions.I was worried that the film would not be opening like the eponymous book with Irulan's narration; yet, this slight distortion ended up working to better get a sense of where the Fremen are coming from and what lays ahead for Paul. Chani's role is a big one in future books and determines his cowardice and cruelty to their future children and his neglected wife, Princess Irulan (the daughter of the Padisah Emperor Shaddam IV he will end up deposing and exiling). Though the latter aforementioned characters are not seen here, they are referenced in subtle ways which leaves the door open for a better understanding of when they are finally introduced in part 2.

That aside, the film is a visual spectacle. It is a masterpiece.Though there are not ETs here, everything feels alien. Humanity has moved beyond the confines of our solar system. The imperium is similar to other empires in our history, but it also feels like something completely different. Despite the other similarities between feudalism and the way the Houses are structred, this is not a space feudalism. It is something else. And this feeling is exactly what one feels when reading the books. It feels familiar but also something completely detached from our reality. We are meant to be part of the ride, but not meant to be fully integrated into this new universe of evolutionary wonders and horrors. Humanity has moved past A.I. In its stead, they have splintered into different factions, all under the rule of the Imperium. Some humans seem no different than their ancestors on earth from more than ten thousand years ago, but others might as well be classified as alien because they have modified themselves to such an extent that they are almost a separate species. At the center of it all, is the one substance that powers the entire universe: the spice melange. Found in only one planet in the known universe: Arrakis (also known as Dune), everyone fights for control of this precious substance. He who controls the spice controls the universe.Beyond extending life, persevering youth, opening consciousness and allowing other super-human abilities, the spice has helped humanity stay away from the temptation of falling prey to technological curiosity and dependence. But there are one group of humans who have claimed the desert of Arrakis as their own despite not being native to the planet. These are called the Fremen. Originally, they formed part of the humans who fought the machines in the last machine war or Butlerian Jihad. They settled on Arrakis and called themselves the Free Men. Through time, they formed an enclave which grew until becoming the Fremen we see in the film. Their religion is a mixture of Zen Buddhism and Islam, with tinges of the ever more complicated mixture of Abrahamic religions and other religious philosophies found in the OCB (the Orange Catholic Bible, which has become the new official bible by the ruling houses). Though this is not explicitly mentioned in the movie, enough hints are dropped here for viewers to know and find out more about the underlying religious and philosophical currents in this universe. What these rebels don't know though is that the prophecy of their messiah is nothing more than religious engineering by the powerful sisterhood known as the Bene Gesserit. Insidious and extremely dangerous, this religious organization does what it can for power. Although they want to save humanity from future extinction, at the end of the day, they want power and believe that the super human messiah they have long been awaiting for will be theirs to control. But as what happens with every human calculation: something goes wrong.This is where Paul Atreides comes in.

He's the Dune Messiah, the Kwisatz Haderach, the prophesized savior of the Fremen, the Muad'Dib, and future savior of humanity. He is also part of a carefully engineered genetic planning by the Bene Gesserit. His mother, a Bene Gesserit herself, has worked in tandem with the Sisterhood to orchestrate this. However, the calculations were disrupted by Lady Jessica (Paul's mother) decision to fall in love with the Duke Leto of House Atreides and give him a son rather than a daughter. The Bene Gesserit in their infinite wisdom and conniving nature, have been in charge of mixing bloodlines for thousands of years until their end result. To achieve their ultimate power, the last move on the chessboard would depend on the daughter Lady Jessica would give Duke Leto. This daughter would be given in marriage to a Harkonnen (the Atreides' main enemy) heir and the result be a Kwisatz Haderach which, with the support of both Houses, overthrow the Padisha Empire, declare himself Emperor and thorugh him, the Bene Gesserit would rule and bring forth the Golden Path. But Lady Jessica chose love over duty. It is this simple choice which upset their plans, but also set in motion a crueler fate in order to achieve this "Golden Path". Paul comes to find this out near the end of the movie and resents his mother for this. Yet, he realizes that he has no other option but to do what was meant of the Kwisatz Haderach in order to save himself and his loved ones. The Dune Movie does a good job in showing all of this. Hopefully this will lead people to become more interested in this world and the historical and philosophical influences which inspired Frank Herbert to write his space opera. This, along with Isaac Asimov's Foundation, is the original Star Wars. But while in Star Wars, the alien worlds and species still feel human, here, set tens of thousands of years into the future, the world feels more alien. It is more grounded in scifi, while still being relatable because of the timeless conflicts that have plagued mankind since its creation.

When Paul "awakens", it is not only he who does but the rest of us as well.

If I were to have a concern it’d be that Irulan’s role is minimized in future adaptations. She is an extremely important part in the saga. The old saying that the “pen is mightier than the sword” is demonstrated through her. While it’s through the fanatical hordes of Fremen’s crysknives and their religious fervor which places the galaxy into submission, as well as the near-omniscience of the God Emperor Leto II (Paul’s son) that the Known Universe is pushed towards the Golden Path, none of this could have been possible without the eloquence and intellectual curiosity of Princess Irulan. Princess Irulan is everything we dream in a historian. Despite being uncomfortable in her own skin, being mistreated by Paul and suspected by the rest, she quickly redeems herself by taking on the task of raising her twin stepchildren and preserving knowledge for future generations. If the next sequels are to continue being masterpieces and represent the importance of history, they need to expand on Irulan’s role as they have already pledged they will do on Paul’s love interest, Chani. The second novel (DUNE MESSIAH) does a good job expanding her role. The director has stated that he plans to add more dimension to her character other than being a love interest of Paul. This was good to hear. However, I hope this doesn’t fall into the common old Victorian trope of elevating one female character at the expense of the other. This would be detrimental and contrary to the intention of what the director’s claims and what Herbert intended in the first place.

With this being said, I hope things go well and we get to see more of the marvelous worlds that the known universe in Dune has yet to offer us in future sequels, and does justice to all the characters. If that is so, then let the spice flow!

#DUNE 2021 #movie review #frank herbert #science fiction #space opera

6 notes · View notes

innocencelives · 4 years ago

Text

im still an athiest and vehemently opposed to religion as a whole. but i think i wrongly associated so much of my abuse with the rich jewish culture i grew up with. i was known in my family as being like…jewish anti-semitic bc i hated my upbringing and my school so much and just wanted to get out of it into the real world. but now ive lived away from my family for a while, not doing anything jewish or interacting with jews or anything for years and, i think im experiencing a change of heart. im not gonna start praying or believing in god or going to shul or anything, but. idk there is so so much culture and tradition and history i grew up surrounded by that i feel connected to now, so much more than i was as a kid. its a part of me ya know? and instead of associating it with experiencing abuse, i now associate it with the opposite, persevering through it. bc isnt that what it means to be jewish? surviving adversity, surviving trauma, staying true to who you are despite a cold and cruel world. i think alot these days about my zeide who survived the holocaust. on one hand, he most likely abused my dad who abused me. but he, really did the impossible. he lost so much, he experienced the most cruel atrocities possible, he saw people die everyday and was left for dead before he was saved. and after all that he came to america and thrived, created this amazing business and made a family. i feel a connection with him, i think we both survived so much. and i hope i have his resilience within me.

3 notes · View notes

aph1wonderland · 5 years ago

Text

Kay of Haru

(Melee Whip, Polearm/ Hydro/ 4 star)

Birthday: 1/11

Personality: "Kay is known for being a motherly figure in the Adventuring guild and rest of Liyue. However her roots are not grown in Liyue, but however in Inazuma. Best person to ask for charity and perhaps known to be around Zhongli's confidant, considering her curiosity of the world thrives from him.”

Constellation: Syreni

Introduction: Hello nice to meet you dear traveler, I am Kay of Haru. Please just call me Kay and do not hesitate and ask me for anything. I’m willing to help you the best I can.

Good morning: Dear Traveler it’s time to wake up and start the day feeling energized! I got nice warm breakfast ready for you and Paimon, don’t want that to become cold. Now would you?

Good afternoon: It’s time to take a break for lunch, don’t worry Paimon I got some for you too.

Good evening: Hm I think we should set camp soon, it’s getting dark soon dear Traveler. Don’t forget to start the fire.

Good night: Traveler you must rest. Staying up late for someone as young as you must keep their life balance. Who knows when you’ll find yourself knocked out in battle out of no where.

Chat- Operation: Are you alright dear traveler, I wouldn’t mind carrying you if you ask for it. It’s nothing to get embarrassed about. All you need to do is ask.

Chat- I hope Mister Zhongli is doing alright. I do worry a lot about him. But I know he can take care of himself. I hope I didn’t forget anything!

Interesting things- I wonder if I make plush dolls out of those wool from those sheep’s if we pass by them. Maybe we could make one in Paimon’s image? Oh how cute that could be, perhaps it’ll improve your comfort in rest.

Embarrassing things: You know when I first started to settled in Liyue.. I perhaps felt embarrassed or perhaps flustered to look at the Rex Lapis Statues of Liyue.. I-it’s not like I haven’t seen a male body, considering training for my brothers in the past. I had to patch them up to be men.. What I’m trying to say, it just feels different if it’s another man outside of the family.

About us- Dear Traveler, I’m curious if the places, perhaps worlds you’ve been. It must have been dangerous or even exciting to find new discoveries. Differences between you and me are vast, I do wish for you the best of luck in your journey. No matter how long and treacherous, my loyalty to you is unbound. So don’t give up so easily! You’ll meet them soon, I just know it!

About Zhongli- Mister Zhongli is pretty tall, perhaps even taller than men in my hometown and some in Liyue. He likes talking about Liyue, honestly the most fun I had when I arrived here. That man is an old soul no doubt, perhaps if Zhongli ever thinks of writing his knowledge he knows about Liyue. He could earn back mora atleast, his words of wisdom about this country is worth wealth. To me or to anyone who takes advice into consideration, from experience as a guide. But as always I wouldn’t mind gifting him food sometimes if he allows me without asking what I want in return. Please don’t give me Mora, keep it for yourself. If he was persistent enough to for an equivalent in contracts he speaks so highly of, spending time with him is my only excuse. Anything farther is his old stories of Liyue.

About Childe- I’m worried, he seems nice when he talks sometimes. Perhaps even generous.. However, I do not know well enough about Snezhnaya’s current state of affairs. But I know the Fatuis recruits are rumored to coming from there.. His family sounds nice to have a brother like him. Sadly he feels like like I’m standing near a cryo user, he does has his moments atleast. I feel like I’m opposed from him. He’s a good brother and I am nothing close to that.

About Xiangling- Shes adorable! Ohh she’s greatest at helping me cook when either of us decide to visit each other. She’s creative and bright Child for age. She’ll take on the world of taste by storm, the wild fire, as long as you don’t eat too much Jueyun chili. The uses of them from her is uncanny, maybe she’ll bring new ideas to me next time I see her.

About few characters in Liyue- I never thought I’ll meet them sometimes and there it is. I heard a lot things people from Mister Zhongli. Perhaps I rely him abit too much even a man like him could struggle in socializing without quipping at few improvements. He’s right about Liyue being beautiful, rich in people. That’s what I like about humanity, however I cannot ignore the fact there is dark side to anything.

About Mondstadt- Oh my! Perhaps you could tell me how was Mondstadt!? I really haven’t been farther than my home in Liyue, comparing my childhood of Inazuma.. Considering only knowledgeable people around that region closest to me is Merchants and Mister Zhongli.

About the Rite of Descension- I never fully participated it, mostly because I tend to keep myself busy to stay around. For someone who has lived in Liyue I may sound like a workaholic hermit, but Mister Zhongli always makes it sound intresting.. I tend to keep my garden and Mister Zhongli healthy at least. Well Childe now too, I think he’s happy he don’t have to spend much each day on Mister Zhongli.

More about Kay I- I fear for the state of Inazuma, I just heard recently dear traveler. My fear for meeting my parents by a glance is enough to bring me to my knees. I love my mother, not for who she is but who the part she tries to teach me that there is hardships in life. My father is not loved by me nor my mother in the end, he is a terrifying feature of a man.

More of Kay II- My mother is a feeble woman, she is broken from a warrior spirit to a eternity to my father. I want to break that Clan’s cycle. She doesn’t deserve to be tormented with a daughter who doesn’t want to be part it. My Clan specializes in bridal arrangements. I am a failed part of one them. Because I ran, these arrangements in my eyes are empty but heavy in mora and possibly tears along the way.

More of Kay III- Oh, you’re curious about the Clan’s traditions? They raise their daughters and sons to sold into arrangements pieces for wealth social status and we are perfected to do our part. Be the perfect wife and husband to our chosen partners. I am a terrible person to abandon my siblings. I couldn’t help them.. I am a coward.

More of Kay IV- I hope they’re doing well... I hope. I know it’s difficult to see the sky so clear, the moon is something feels like a cryo vision. The chill I worry about that feeling, it’s nips you when you feel lonely. Maybe I should cover up more next time. I wish I had my haori, I miss the smell of flowers I planted when I was younger.. Maybe I should start growing some and ask- Wait should I even try?

More of Kay V- Cooking and Learning both a heavy burden but something I love. For its all I know from my family, but the happiness from my older siblings are worth the price time could take from me. Feeling like this should be brought to those who show compassion and willing to open up to the truth no matter how bitter it tastes.

Kay’s Hobbies’- I like to learn, cook and clean! Oh it might sound dull of me to say. I do like gardening and spending time with you then! Simple things in life is better when time is on your side. Sleeping in the Sunny shade under the tree is nice.

Kay’s Troubles- I heard you met someone who seems to be from Izazuma. Remembering that place feels constricting around my heart. However your will.. I’m jealous how courageous and persevering you can be! Go go traveler! You can do it! Don’t give up so soon! Oh right.. Mister Zhongli.. I’m possibly too reliant on his knowledge like how people are to Rex Lapis..

Birthday- Happy Birthday Dear and Beloved Traveler! Do you need anything to eat? I can make anything you want, don’t hesitate to be greedy. You’re still getting stronger each passing day I wish you luck continuing on your travels!

Dislike food- Eternity feels nauseous in word and how it’s defined. Oh foods? I’m not really picky. I wouldn’t mind helping you learn how to cook. Oh my that’s a lot of things we shouldn’t waste..

Likes- Comfort is a lovely feeling, I wish I could help you feel the same. Perhaps I could treat you my recent findings with Xiangling.

When it rains- I have an umbrella just incase. Here Traveler! You mustn’t get sick, you have someone waiting for you.

Sunny- Ah, feel the warmth of the sun. Hope the best on a good day!

Feelings about Ascension- Intro= Hmm. Will I be stronger, perhaps with you I can.

Building up= What a strange feeling. Perhaps you are the reason I feel different?

Climax= I won’t let your efforts go to waste! Let’s not lose our sights on the goal!

Conclusion= Comfort is a difficult price to earn, as for peace of mind is silent but deadly at heart for those to aspire to reach the heart of it all.

#genshin impact #oc #voice lines #Kay #oof #i hope its okay

4 notes · View notes

jessgartner · 5 years ago

Text

2020 Life Olympics

The real Olympics may have been canceled in 2020 but the Life Olympics persevered like the postal service of Olympics.

First, I’d like to apologize for my role in the chaos of 2020 because I think I had a slight miscommunication with the powers that be and I feel partly responsible. Here was my plan for 2020:

My theme for 2020 is Intention because I want to take the energy I feel right now and deploy it with more intentionality next year - bringing increased mindfulness to how I spend my time, money, physical and mental energy. And because I love wordplay, I also literally want to spend more time camping “in-tent” to enjoy more peace and quiet and beauty in nature.

The universe was like, “Oh, she wants to spend less money and more time outside? Well, shut it down. Shut the whole planet down.”

I mean, mission accomplished, I guess? I did spend less money and more time outside and had to be VERY intentional with my mental energy to survive the day-to-day morass of 2020. Next time, I will be more specific with my annual manifestations. Sorry to all.

2020 was brutal for pretty much everything and everyone. I don’t know anyone who isn’t in some state of grief right now, including myself. I debated doing a Life Olympics at all this year, feeling like-- what is the point? Hundreds of thousands of people died, our democracy is hanging on by a thread, and millions of people lost jobs, businesses, and homes.

Like many people, I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression this year which intensified as it got darker and colder outside. At a low point, I talked with my therapist about the struggle of just not wanting to do any of the things that usually bring me joy-- and how periods of relief were so fleeting. “But you have to keep doing those things,” she said, “even if they’re not working right now, you have to keep doing those things and trust the process; the joy will return.”

So even though I don’t really feel like it and kind of feel like it’s dumb, I’m writing the 2020 Life Olympics. I’m trusting the process.

2020 Life Olympics Recap

Work - Participation Trophy

Starting a company is hard, operating a company is harder, but running a company during a global pandemic and economic crisis is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. 2020 was not a fun year to lead a business; it was hell. On March 15, the plan for the year pretty much went out the window and everything went into survival mode. I never take the company or my team for granted, but I’m particularly grateful to be able to usher this work into 2021.

Despite the craziness, we still had some big wins this year. We launched new product partnerships with PowerSchool and Amazon Business. We rebuilt our tool for equitably calculating district funding formulas. And I got to flex my creative muscles with EdFinToks! Throughout it all, I was lucky enough to be surrounded by a team of people who are as compassionate as they are talented.

I’m worried about public education more than ever after this year, but I’m going to keep fighting every day to make it work better for kids.

This is Work-Lite but I also spent a good chunk of time this year leading the modernization workgroup for Bill Henry’s transition committee after his spring primary election to become the new Baltimore City Comptroller, ousting a 25-year incumbent, Joan Pratt. This was an enlightening (and infuriating) experience for me that gave me a glimpse into the operations of a segment of the City government. This process also really helped crystallize how much I enjoy making public agencies function more efficiently; I’m excited to see what Bill does with the recommendations (some are already being put in action!)

Health - Gold

This is the second year in a row (and ever) that I’m giving myself a Gold medal for Health. This was easily a year that I could have regressed on all of my healthy habits and no one would have blamed me. Instead, I leaned into protecting and improving my physical and mental health in 2020. It’s not an exaggeration to say that walking probably saved my life this year. I spent a lot of time walking around my neighborhood and various state and city parks-- walking is maybe not the best word; I stomp and charge around like I have a score to settle with the ground beneath me. My walking increased 370% in 2020. This is a habit of 2020 that I’d like to keep. My brain and body are happier if I can spend a little time walking-- stomping-- around outside each day.

I also did a lot of biking this summer. My cycling increased 200% this year-- with much more time spent cycling outdoors. My crowning achievement this year was biking to and from Annapolis:

I spent a LOT more time outside this year which was critical for my mental health. On the downside, I only did 90% as much yoga and 60% as much strength training, so I want to try to be a little more balanced next year.

I also invested a lot in my mental health this year. I kept up with therapy every 2-4 weeks and in October I decided to pursue a formal diagnosis for ADHD which I definitely have! Needless to say, staying in one place this year has been a special kind of hell for me.

Home - Silver

Well, I definitely spent less money this year. And the way I did spend money made me (mostly) sad:

Travel down 70%

Auto & Transportation up 200% (boo cars)

Shopping down 60%

Personal Care down 35%

Gifts and donations up 200%

Food and Dining down 40%

Entertainment down 35% (I kept up my singing lessons virtually which accounts for a lot of this category)

2020 was quite the palate cleanser from my 2019 year of hedonism but maybe we can go for a happy medium in 2021? Just kidding-- I will resume my hedonist ways the minute the world opens.

I also redid my home office like every other work-from-homer on the planet and replaced my crumbling kitchen floor so the house got some TLC.

But nobody enjoyed having me home all year as much as Darwin:

Relationships - Bronze

What a weird year for relationships of all kinds. I’m giving this a Bronze because while I invested a lot into a few relationships this year, there are also a lot of people in my life to whom I haven’t been able to give my time and love.

One of the most important relationships in my life this year was with one of my former students. After bouncing around in the foster system for many years, we reconnected around the holidays in 2019 and he started crashing with me while we tried to figure out stable housing and employment. He was arrested in January and was incarcerated for the next several months awaiting trial. Finally, we were able to negotiate a plea agreement with the State’s Attorney and he came home around Independence Day. We spent the next several months getting him set up with a phone and various identification documents-- a nightmare in normal times and a total abyss during the pandemic. I got him registered to vote when we got his ID card and I took him to vote for the first time (a supreme treat for this former social studies teacher):

He’s now got a full-time job and stable living situation. Calling this THE success of 2020. Thank you to everyone who helped me with resources all year for housing, legal processes, and documents. It takes a village.

It was a bizarre year for family. We lost my grandmother in September, so not being able to spend the holidays together felt like an especially cruel loss. Other big losses this year include a trip to France to celebrate a milestone birthday for my mother and my brother and sister-in-law’s wedding (Mosby seemed pretty ok with the alternative plan, though):

But in many ways, my family has been more together than ever this year thanks to prolific group chats and photo-sharing. Mostly, I’m just glad everyone else is safe and healthy. As my father often reminds me, “Our problems are small.”

And dating? What to do with this weird Jane-Austen-esque dating scene-- as if modern dating weren’t fraught enough. Is this the universe punishing me for ending my 2019 dating hiatus early? I, for one, have given up. You win this one, pandemic. I’m just going to have my little Twitter crush and call it a year. Next year, though...

Horizons - Silver Gold

You know what? It’s hard to expand your horizons without people or places.

I did the best I could. I finally got back on track with my Goodreads challenge and actually had a really good year of reading, including finally embracing audiobooks through my Libro.fm subscriptions. I especially enjoyed Michelle Obama’s book Becoming and Mike Birbiglia’s The New One on audio-- both narrated by their authors.

I camped in Pocomoke (MD), Western MD, Lake Michigan, and Ohiopyle (PA):

I explored over 30 new hiking/biking trails-- some favorites including the Youghiegheny River trail in PA, the NCR trail, Catoctin Mountain, the C&O Canal Towpath, Annapolis Rock, and of course, Stoney Run in my backyard.

I left Facebook and started the Life Olympics newsletter. I’ll be honest, I don’t miss Facebook but I also don’t understand where that energy, time, and brain space went. I was spending cumulatively hours a day mindlessly scrolling Facebook and I quit cold turkey and barely noticed-- what black hole of our brains does social media occupy? I kind of thought that with all that extra time I would write the next great American novel or something. I’m probably spending a little more time on Twitter, which I could stand to cut back on. Other than that, I think I was just trying to process the shitstorm of this year. Maybe I’ll write the next great American novel post-pandemic.

For the first time in my life, I feel somewhat ‘caught up’ on pop-culture. I finally watched Parks and Recreation (twice); I watched The Mandalorian and finally actually watched Star Wars (episodes IV-IX); I watched the final seasons of The Good Place and Schitt’s Creek; I’m caught up on Insecure; I watched The Prom and Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom and Jingle Jangle; I even started Bridgerton. I know what everyone is talking about and I’m catching so many more pop-culture references these days. (I guess instead of writing the next great American novel I watched Netflix?)

2020 Lessons

I’ve spent plenty of time mourning the missed opportunities of 2020 and will probably always wonder what this year could have been in an alternate universe with a functioning government. But we only have this reality for now, and we made the best of it.

I wanted to slow down in 2020, try to be more intentional, more mindful, and...

No thank you! I liked the pace of my life; it makes my brain and heart happy. I’m happiest when I wake up in a different city three days in a row. I like darting around every borough of Manhattan for nine meetings and three cocktails and then taking a red-eye to Europe. I want to run around to eight conferences for 18-hours a day for three weeks and then sleep for 22 hours. I miss overloading my brain so much that I need a deprivation chamber to sleep. This is who I am. This is how I like to live. And when I was locked down alone in the house for a year, slowing down, being mindful, I never once thought, “I should have... when I had the chance.” Because I always did. And I always will.

2021

We shake with joy, we shake with grief.

What a time they have, these two housed as they are in the same body.

Mary Oliver

We’ve had enough grief. 2021 is going to be all about joy.

Universe, let me be clear: this is not a euphemism or code or secret signal.

I want pure, unadulterated, abundant, joy. I want multi-course dinners in restaurants with lots of close friends and good wine. I want the virus so far gone that I can make-out with handsome strangers. I want a rollicking good time in France and/or Brazil and/or Prague and/or New Zealand and/or Bali. I want to spend the day after Christmas in NYC with my father. I want to be a glutton for theatre and art and music. I want celebrations and parties and sequins.

I want to shake with joy.

If you’d like to receive the (shorter) monthly Life Olympics, subscribe here.

#lifeolympics

2 notes · View notes