#ITS REALLY FUNNY SAYING THIS RIGHT AFTER SAYING NO I DONT THINK I COMMONLY MAKE MANY UTDR AU’S

[squidpedia]

What video games other than UT/DR do you like?

Ooooooh i am so very insane about splatoon. Splatoon and utdr tied for favorite games of all time. Lotsa good memories there

actully screw it woe old splatoon art be upon ye

i’ve also been thinking a lot about scratchin melodii, animal crossing, zelda, and hollow knight a lot lately

[all-hail-the-witcher]

cats the movie was created by the mafia and here's why

so since one (1) person said that they still wanna hear this theory imma post it

first, the reviews of cats are so mixed, it's confusing. im not even sure if everyone is talking about the same movie. lets look at some of the more wild ones:

but then i found these two:

both of these reviews (the second one especially) explicitly mention celebrities, which, made me think of a conspiracy theory

i once watched a video (i think it was a shane dawson one) where he discussed how people believe that it could be a possibility that the government uses celebrities and their scandals to distract the population from their wrongdoing and general mishaps. that being said, lets unpack what we know about cats:

-cats themselves (as in the animal) are generally very cute and people find them funny. it is commonly perceived by some that the internet - youtube specifically - is “that place with the cat videos” and people are very entertained by them (think about tik toks, twitter and tumblr threads, vines, and ig accounts) and even interact with cats if they happen to be allergic to them. it is safe to say that the human population has somewhat of an obsession with cats. 

-cats the musical is generally misunderstood by a lot of people. i have never actually seen it but from what i understand its a musical about cats competing to see who will die and theres one good song (memory). the internet has gone about about “what the heck is cats even about” for many years before the movie came out in the form of memes and other random internet jokes.

and now lets address the us government. right now most people agree that its plenty shitty for various reasons. even people in other countries Dont Get It. (im not going to get too into it because chances are if you have an internet connection you've heard about the shit the us government has done recently)

now. onto the movie itself. (hang onto your hats this is where it gets wild)

according to google, cats is a british american film. it is a well known fact that america was originally colonized by the british and we gained our freedom in 1776 (i really hope thats not news to you) but the war didnt end until the british surrendered at yorktown in 1781 and the treaty of paris wasn't signed until 1783. the british were notoriously salty afterwards, continuing to pirate american ships and do other generally annoying things which resulted in the war of 1812. it was not until after the war of 1812 (which officially ended in 1815) that the british recognized america was independent and actually started respecting them. britain and america were also allies and have famously teamed up to stop people from taking over the world (ie ww2 amongst others).

youre probably wondering what the hell this has to do with cats. stick with mw, we’re getting there.

in the weeks after the 2016 election, there were many memes circulating the internet along the lines of this:

needless to say, it was a wild time for america. 

now, admittedly, britain was Also in the midst of their own wild time because of brexit, but somehow the election results managed to kind of overshadow that (at least in america). 

so lets review some Important Dates:

-june 23, 2016 -> brexit is proposed

-november 8, 2016 -> 2016 election

-march 2017-> britain formally announces leaving the eu

additionally, in 2016 the worlds biggest superpowers were (in order) the us, russia, china, india, and the uk.

now, onto my theory.

the mafia has always notoriously been trying to be stopped by the government for their crime and is a strange organization with a lot of money. the mafia Does still exist although mostly in new england. since 2016 there has been a disconnect between the government and the people due to the staggering amounts that do not support the current president. the mafia may have seen this as an opportunity to overthrow the current government/president and cabinet and place their own person there so that they wouldn't get as much shit from the government. 

this theory does get a little bit complicated regarding the presidents suspected ties to the mafia. however, the mafia is very powerful and i have no doubt that they could have somehow blackmailed trump or implemented false records in order to depict the president falsely. or they could have tricked the president into working with them in order to gain secrets to help them overthrow him. the possibilities are endless. 

so in the time between the 2016 election and when britain formally announced leaving the eu, the mafia probably had some time to scheme a little, thinking up possible ways for them to overthrow the government. 

after britain announced leaving the eu, someone in the government must have realized that it was making britain widely unpopular and they should do something to clean up their image. so they take a peek around and happen to notice that america is royally fucked cause of the president and there are people threatening to move to canada cause of it.

but why is any of this of importance to britain?

well, britain used to be the top world superpower before ww2, but then were beat out by america both after the war and when they announced nsc 68, a plan to make amerias military stronger and provide aid to american allies being threatened by communism. although britain and america stayed allies, it is likely that britain may have been a bit salty about this. and, if they could somehow get rid of trump and weaken the country this may bump the us from the lead world superpower and (if they were lucky) also russia and china who the president was more or less involved with.

low and behold who has the same desires? the mafia.

so the mafia and britain team up to defeat the us government. but how will they do it?

my friends, that is where cats comes in. 

as stated, the government has previously used celebrity scandals to cover up and distract from their own. the mafia and britain would not have wanted to make this seem like anything out of the ordinary, so they decided to implement this form of distraction, but twisted it into grotesque exposure. but they needed a vehicle in which to use this

if you refer to my information on cats from before, american people love cats and cats the musical is a somewhat loved classic that makes little to no sense. additionally, theater fans have recently been calling for screen filmed shows so they dont have to spend lots of money on tickets (see newsies live and bandstand) so in order to pass this off as normal they chose to use cats.

howmst ever, they needed to make the american people not like cats anymore so that they wouldn't be easily distracted by them. how to accomplish this? make the cats in the movie cgi celebrities. 

the celebrity lineup of the movie is quite impressive, containing the following:

james corden, judi dench, jason derulo, idris elba, jennifer husdon, ian mckellan, taylor swift, and rebel wilson. 

these celebrities were all chosen for the type of audience they would draw in so that it would be as vast as possible. (old people, young people, middle aged people, etc).

the mafia paid these celebrities handsomely and coerced them into being in the movie. 

now, lets discuss the timeline. 

the movie itself premiered on december 20th and the mafia and britain would have begun creating it as soon as march of 2017. scripts take up to 12 weeks to write, putting them at june of 2017. pre production takes 10 weeks, putting them at about halfway through september 2017. it takes about an average of 10 weeks to film, putting them at december 2017. and, according to pixar, animating a movie can take between 4 and 7 years, however, the reviews have stated that cats only took about a year to animate the movie, putting it at about december 2018. this would give the mafia about 7 extra months for any needed editing or fixing between when they could have hypothetically started and ended the movie itself because the trailer came out in july of 2019.

they would have wanted to release the movie just before 2020 because that is when the next election takes place and they would need everyone to be immune to propaganda. 

the mafia and britain creating cats explains a lot of things such as:

-why james corden has not gone to see the movie

-why the animation is so horrifying

-why the movie was made in such little time

-why the celebrities in the movie are actually in the movie

-why the budget was able to be so large if it was an epic flop

-peoples general confusion as to why the movie was even made

see, they would have known that even if not a lot of people saw the movie, it would have made headlines just because of how bad it is, terrifying people of both the celebrities in it (remember this includes james corden, a prominent talk show host and taylor swift, one of the top song writers) and of cats themselves.

in conclusion, cats was filmed by the mafia and great britain in an attempt to overthrow the us government.

be careful who you vote for in 2020.

[blackarmyslave]

Masquerade [IkeRev]

Pairing: Ray Blackwell x Alice

Fandom: Ikemen Revolution

Notes: really trashy writing oof

Pshh dont act so suprised its another ray thing

Alice hated masquerade balls.

She hated them with a passion. There was just something irritating about them... how those disgustings pigs, commonly referred to as men, often tried to lure her into bed; or how, every time she talked to women, their conversations would almost always end up in gossips about her family's riches that were acquired with bloody hands, and how they killed countless people under a single man's orders, not knowing the person they were talking to about it is part of said family. Yet despite her loathing for occasions like these, Alice would still have to attend, for it was the only way she could fraternize with others. Her family was shunned by society for being such a hideous and brutal one. But here, in masquerade balls, she can wear a mask and pretend to be someone else and mingle to her heart's content. Nobody would know it was a girl from a bloody household.

Once or twice, Alice had danced with a few nobilities she considered decent enough for her. Those who weren't pedophiles, she conversed with. Those who were purely sober, she'd bonded with. But it was way past midnight now and she had gotten bored of the ball. A woman can only take so much soulless dancing and meaningless political talks. Not to mention the rough mask that hid her face from bashers, was starting to irritate her sensitive porcelain skin.

With a forced smile, the young descendant of the country's most infamous household excused herself from the festivities and went to the garden. Truly, it was a beautiful garden. The flowers were in full bloom and the breeze was refreshing. Alice stretched, in a way that was very undignified. Yet she couldn't care less. Her muscles were sore from keeping up a flawlessly upright posture all this time, and she was bored beyond measure.

The itch on her face that was long there reached its peak, and Alice couldn't take it anymore. She moved to dispose her mask until a voice warned her, "It's rude to take off your mask in a ball like this."

It was a man's voice, smooth like the waves and light as the garden's breeze. Undoubtedly, it had belonged to a young man... a cool young man. But Alice despised people who dared talk to her so fondly. She swirled around to reprimand whoever it had been.

"I don't recall holding responsibility to oblige," she retorted, her prissy tone leaking with every syllable. One corner of the man's lips slowly curled upwards in an amused smirk.

"Then by all means, go embarrass yourself."

Alice scoffed with irritation. Who does this man think he is? Yes, it's true that taking off your mask is a big no in a masquerade ball, but--

Oh.

She suddenly felt like smacking her forehead. If she takes the accessory off, she's to reveal her identity. And no doubt receive countless ridicules. And Alice didn't want that, especially from a man like him. Her cheeks flushed in realization. Suddenly the girl wanted to keep it on and couldn't feel the itch anymore.

"You're from the infamous Bright household, aren't you? Alice Bright, if I'm correct; twin sister of Edgar Bright, the Jack of Hearts and known as the Gentle Demon." surprise mf

Alice took her time studying the man. How had he known about her? What gave it away? What had she done to inform him of her identity? Most of all, who is this bastard? He was handsome, without a doubt, even with a mask on; black hair and intense emerald eyes, containing a youthful aura, but at the same time holding himself with such composed regality. His body was carved to perfection. He wore a simple yet dazzling dark sapphire mask with round diamonds literring it, the suit on his body looking ridiculously expensive.

Dark and regal... only one name clicked in the girl's head: the popular and widely loved King of Spades.

"I take it you're King Ray Blackwell...?"

The man rolled his eyes distastefully at the attached title. But he made no move to deny his identity, something that's against tradition. 'How hypocritical,' Alice thought dryly.

"Forget the King part, it's too preppy for my tastes," he said. "Just Ray is fine."

Alice rose a thin eyebrow. For a king, Ray Blackwell was too casual. She's always depicted him as cold and dignified, with no intention of fooling around; just like the opposing King of Hearts. Yet here he was: the Black King himself who didn't give a horse's muck whether people found out about his identity or not, speaking informally as if he'd known Alice all their lives.

'Charming-- I mean, preposterous! Ghastly!'

Well... what can she say? It's her first time meeting a man like Ray; someone true to himself and didn't stumble foolishly in a vain attempt of becoming the perfect gentleman.

But no. In the Bright household, emotions were a mortal sin. It was the biggest crime. And Alice grew up all her life believing it.

Naturally, she ignored her fluttering heart.

"So," Alice walked around the garden with Ray. She hadn't even noticed how her irritation with him had suddenly faded after witnessing his genuine personality. "The King of Spades is a fan of balls, then?"

Ray snorted. "Heck no. What makes you think that just because I attend 'em, I like 'em? Isn't everyone only here for the sake of making connections?"

"Probably." Alice would be damned if she voiced her agreement. "And does that rule apply to you as well, sire?"

Ray gave the girl a disgusted look. She only blinked, urging him to voice out what took him aback.

"Okay. One, it doesn't. I'm just here to let loose for a bit. Second... Cut that formality out! It's creepy." "Why so? Do your soldiers not address you that way?"

Ray's green orbs took on a fond light, giving Alice the answer right away, as if his memories of his subordinates were all warm and cozy. One could tell he was a good leader and a true king by just a glance of that. And maybe, she thought, he was a brother, too; a brother to the rest of his army. Alice wondered how they treated each other... did they eat at the same table? Did they disregard ranks and fraternized comfortably? Was it like a home in the Black Army's headquarters?

"They address me as a king during official business, yes," he replied. "But we're just ourselves around one another for most of the time. Parties every week or so, lots of laughter and pranks... it's like a brotherhood."

The faintest trace of a smile ghosted the girl's lips. "It sounds lovely."

From there, it went on and on. Ray asked Alice what was her favorite animal, to which she replied cats for they were elegant and had the cutest little mewls; and much to her surprise, Ray shared her thoughts. She, in return, asked him what he thought about table etiquette, and he laughed at just how preppy Alice was being. Nevertheless, he answered her, saying "I think dining fancily's fine if serious stuff are going on, like funerals or oathtakings. It's a way of showing respect. But people shouldn't be judged by how they act at the table. In fact, class shouldn't even be a social judgement or something. 'Course, this is just my opinion. And I think table manners should be kept to a minimum. People deserve to enjoy their food and time without fear of being critiqued of how classy or polite they are. They should be able to be just themselves in a table, because after all, that honesty's bound to form really tight relationships real quick, no?"

A bit more of talking and before she even knew it, it had been past 3AM now. Alice never thought it would be so fun to converse with the king. He was honest and frank, yet still respectful and even funny. They shared a lot of opinions about several topics, and one's answer changed the perspective of the other. The Bright lady wished to the twinkling stars high above she'd get another chance at talking with Ray in the future.

Now, Alice knew she shouldn't be rooting for the opposition. Her household is a Red through and through. In fact, her brother's the Jack of Hearts himself! At the back of her head, the ever-obedient little prodigy of the Bright family screamed at her to get away and cut off all connections with Blackwell. 'What do you think you're doing?!' a part of her screeched.

But right now, she wasn't really a Bright. She was just Alice. Little ol' Alice, who came to a masquerade ball in hopes of being able to talk to whoever she wants without her status bothering her. And she wasn't ready to throw that away just yet, and return to her uptight lifestyle.

'Just not yet, please,' she pleaded with her own self.

Suddenly, a slow, hopeful, smooth tune took on. It was faint and distant, coming from the ballroom many yards away. Yet she and Ray both heard it, the melody carried by the wind to their ears, and Ray took the cue.

"May I have this dance, Alice?" He asked her, the gentlest, most handsome smile on his lips, offering her his hand, and the girl's heart skipped a beat.

Had it been any other man; a pretentious, try-hard fake gentleman or a drunk bastard, she would've slapped. But no... not this one. He was a bastard, yes, the feisty part of her claimed, but he was a good bastard. A modest, decent, alright bastard.

Alice let her face be lit up by a grin. It had been her first in so long. She placed her hand on top Ray's and they both started dancing to the slow, almost-romantic music, everything else fading and all they could feel was this blossoming warmth in their souls.

And long after the song was over, and all was said and done, they still remained in one another's embrace. Red and Black forgetting their blazing feud for even just a moment; even in just a masquerade ball. They're just Alice and Ray, each silently praying dawn never comes and they'd never have to say theeir goodbyes.

Alice giggled under her breath. She'd decided. Maybe masquerades aren't so bad after all.

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

The Perfect Couple (Taehyung x You ONESHOT)

A/N: I hope you will like it anon! I tried to make it angstier but I hope this is good enough <3

MASTERLIST

The perfect couple.

That is the perfect definition to what Taehyung and Y/N are. Perfectly, madly in love with other. Perfectly matched with each other. The most handsome face in the world with the prettiest girl in the country. An internationally famous idol and a well known social influencer. A perfect match made in heaven.

Or so they say.

Y/N smile as she looks at her devastatingly handsome boyfriend from the corner of the room. Taehyung who somehow felt her stare turned to catch her eye to winked and flashed her his sexy boxy grin that Y/N loves too much before he turns back to continue with his mundane conversation with some of the other idols. In all honesty, he would rather grab Y/N and head home right now, having her panting and begging underneath him is always a much better option than being stuck plastering on a fake smile in these boring events.

They were at an after party of an award show, an usual event for the two of them who is always on top of the guest list, which is expected when you are the number one couple to look out for. Everybody loves them. Everybody wants to be them. Everybody wants them to make their presence known at their events. And what even more amazing is how they were not one of those made up couples that is all just for show.

The two of them were sincerely, honestly and purely in love with each other. Y/N was doing a live coverage of backstage footage of a music show for her video channel, when Taehyung first saw her, and he believes he never saw someone so beautiful, funny and just overall interesting like her. Since then, just like people would usually say, the rest is history. They develop fast friendship, and that friendship blossom into love and their love becomes forever.  Both Taehyung and Y/N are commonly known to be pretty much obsessed with one another, expressing their love to one another in the sweetest way possible that never fails to make the fans go crazy with adoration.

They were in love, and nothing could be more amazing than that.

"You must love him so much huh?" Y/N cocked her head to the side to see one of the girl group member, although familiar but she cant seem to put a name on the face, standing beside her, eyes looking straight at Taehyung as she swirled around her half empty glass.

"Yes. I do," Y/N answered, although feeling a little weird about the girl. Y/N herself has made quite a number of idol friends from her days of meeting them as Taehyung dates, but this girl is definitely not one of them. The girl smirked after hearing her answer.

"Too bad he doesnt love you as much," her next words came out without any real feelings attached to it as she take a sipped from her cup. Y/N raised an eyebrow at the unexpected answer.

What is her problem?

"Excuse me? Are you implying something?" The girl chuckled at Y/N's question as she down the rest of her drink and placed her glass on the bar counter behind her.

"I'm Nari by the way," she suddenly introduces herself. "I think it will do you a lot of good for you to remember my name," she glanced back to where Taehyung is still conversing with the other idol. "Have you ever wonder with who your beloved boyfriend spend time with while he's on tour?"

Y/N starts to feel that something is definitely not right with her last question. What is this girl up to?

"Urm, his band members? Obviously," to this answer Nari laughs out loud, tilting her head back, exposing her long beautiful neck.

"Maybe a part of it sweetheart. Look, Y/N is it?" she eyed Y/N up and down, obviously knowing fully well who she is. "You look like a nice girl, and I really dont want to do this, but," she took out something from her tiny clutch bag and placed it into Y/N's open palm. "If you would be so kind to please return this to Taetae. And tell him I say thanks for that great night," Nari winked and walks away, leaving a confused Y/N alone.

Y/N can feel her heart beat starts to race as she felt the cold metal against her skin, definitely recognizing what it is. She opened her palm and her suspicion is confirmed as she saw Taehyung's silver ring nestled in her palms. The ring that they bought together to matched with each other as a symbol of their love.

Y/N doesnt want to believe what she's seeing. She doesnt want to believe what Nari is implying.

It cant be true.

Taehyung loves her. He wouldnt do that. He wouldnt.

Would he?

But the cold metal against her skin brings Y/N back to reality. The harsh cold reality where her boyfriend's ring, his supposed most prized possesion, is found with some other girl.

Y/N immediately turned around and walked towards the exit, not even bothering to tell Taehyung or anybody else that she's leaving as she tried her best to wiped off the tears that start to cascade down her cheeks.

/////

"Baby, where the hell did you go? I was so worried! Why didnt you tell me you were leaving? I would have gone back home with you. You didnt even pick up my calls!" Taehyung fussed the moment he swing opened the door and saw Y/N standing by the mini bar, calmly sipping on her drink.

"Y/N? What's wrong with you? Do you even hear what I said?" Taehyung stride to the bar and placed his hands over hers that is laid flat on the bar counter. Y/N flinched and retracted her hands, making Taehyung confused. "Hey, baby, did something happen? Are you-"

"Taehyung, just stop it. Stop acting like you care," she snapped. Taehyung was surprised by her sudden attack.

"Okay...What the hell is going on Y/N? Baby, why are you acting this way?" Taehyung brows creased in worry. Y/N took her time to answer, first sipping on the rest of her drink, finishing it in one go.

"I think you will remember where you left this," Y/N dropped the ring inside his open palm and turned away once she placed her glass back on the counter. "And she told me to say thanks for the great night you gave her," Y/N turned away from the bar. Although at first confused, Taehyung eyes widen with recognition as he looks into his hand and saw what Y/N has given him.

His ring.

The identical ring he and Y/N wore as a symbol of their everlasting love and loyalty with each other.

The ring that Taehyung will quietly slipped off whenever he spend the night underneath Nari, tangled in her sheets, making her scream over and over again all night long.

The ring he took off to take his guilty mind off his beloved girlfriend whenver he is in another woman's arms.

The ring that in all his clumsiness, he left at Nari's and reminded her to give it back to him, never imagining that she would use this opportunity to take advantage of the situation and expose their infidelity to Y/N.

The ring that now has become the cause of Y/N's shattered heart.

Taehyung immediately looked up from the ring that use to represent their love, but now would only reminds them of his infidelity and take quick steps towards Y/N.

"No. Stop Tae. Please dont come any closer," Y/N raised a hand, her voice shakes with sadness although no tears graced her eyes. Taehyung stopped in his tracks. He would never thought there would be a day where Y/N wouldnt want him to come close.

And that feeling hurts like hell.

She wanted to believe the situation that is playing in her mind is not true. She wanted to hear Taehyung laughs and said she is overthinking things. That he actually left it in the dressing room, or the stage, or anywhere other than Nari's bed. But the look Taehyung gave her the moment he saw the ring says it all.

Taehyung is cheating on her.

"Y/N, please baby, let me-"

"No Tae," Y/N closes her eyes for a moment before opening them again, trying to find her strength. This is really happening. This is all not a dream. The only man in the world she loves so much, the one he gave her heart, body and soul fully to, finally breaks her heart. And there is nothing she can do to ease the numbing pain that is slowly creeping up her heart. "I dont want to know. I dont want to know how, or how long, or how it happened, or why. I dont want to know anything," Y/N tries her best to hide the quiver in her voice but its too obvious to Taehyung. His baby is hurting and its all his fault. "But what I do know is you broke my heart. You broke my trust. You threw away all the love I gave to you like it doesnt mean anything. You threw away all our years together like it never mattered to you. All I know is that this is over. We are over Tae," Y/N finished her sentence with a voice barely above a whisper, already losing all her strength.

Taehyung's eyes widen and his mouth quivers in disbelief.

"No Y/N. No. No. No! I'm.. baby, no!"

"Please Tae," Y/N whispered. "Dont make this any harder for me. Please leave. Leave Tae. I cant see you right now. Leave, and just let me be alone," Y/N closes her eyes as she plead, hoping to rid of Taehyung's face from her mind although she knows its not possible. Taehyung took quick steps to close the gap between them and tries to hold her arms, which Y/N immediately flicnhed away.

"Y/N, please dont do this. Please just let me explain. I cant live without you baby," Taehyung begs as he feel the panic rising in his chest.

"Fine. If you wont leave, then I will,"

Y/N grabbed her purse and spun on her heels to head to door. She turned around and face Taehyung one last time with glossy eyes, trying her hardest to blink back the tears. "You know Tae," she whispered, voice soft as she flicked her sad eyes to roam over Taehyung's handsome face for the last time, "I love you. I would have given up everything for you. And I'm sorry for thinking that maybe that is enough for you," she closes her eyes and a stray tear rolled down her cheeks which she quickly wiped away as she opened back her eyes. "I never thought that out of everyone that I met, you would be the one who would eventually breaks my heart," Y//N slipped off her identical ring from her finger to Taehyung's horror and placed it on the side table before opening the door.

"Goodbye, Kim Taehyung,"

/////

It didnt take long before the world is presented with the news that the perfect couple is officially no longer together. The world was angry, surprised and shocked to learn that Taehyung cheated on his perfect girlfriend.

To be honest, Taehyung himself didnt know why he did it in the first place.

Taehyung sat on his bed, staring blankly at his walls when Jimin walks in, holding his phone.

"Is this true Tae? You and Y/N are no longer together?" Taehyung turned his head to face his friend but only give him a blank stare, which is more than enough for Jimin to confirm what he needs to know.

"Holy fuck. What the hell happened?" Jimin took a seat beside his friend on the bed. Just like everybody else, the boys also rooted for Taehyung and Y/N. They love to see their brother happy, and being with Y/N seems to be doing exactly that. Taehyung stayed silent for a moment before he finally answers.

"I...I cheated on Y/N, Chim. I cheated on her with Nari,"

"What?!" Jimin cant control the shocked in his voice. "You did what?! And with Nari?!" Taehyung chose to ignore the obvious questions Jimin is shooting him with while Jimin tries to calm himself down, realizing he might have made Taehyung felt attacked. "Okay, okay. Tell me what happened Tae? Is it just a one time thing? I'm sure Y/N will forgive you. Everyone makes mistake. Everyone deserve a second chance, dont they?"

Taehyung sighed and buried his face in his hands.

"I dont think I deserve her forgiveness Chim. Its... its not a one time thing. I cheated on her everytime we went on tour. Every. Single. Time," Jimin is once again taken by surprised by his friend's confession. Shit, Taehyung is truly fucked now. A thought suddenly came to mind.

"Wait. Does this mean that everytime you declined our invitayion for dinner or hanging out at the club after our shows and you always have the do not disturb sign at the door after... you were with Nari?" Taehyung weakly nodded his head. Jimin mouth dropped open in shocked again. All these while the boys had thought Taehyung wanted some privacy to talk to Y/N whenever they were away on tour. Never would have they thought that Taehyung is actually fucking another girl all these while. Jimin never would have thought that the two would have taken cheating too far, to the point where Nari will come to wherever they are having their tour? That's just sick.

"What are you going to do now Tae? Do you even want her back?" Jimin asks softly. Taehyung once again nodded his head weakly.

"Yes," he runs his hand through his hair and that's when Jimin notice his wet eyes. "God, I made the stupidest mistake I could have ever make in my life Chim. I love her. I love her so damn much. Y/N is my perfect match in every way and I screw it up for some temporary lust. I want her back. I need her to come back. I need her Chim," Jimin kept quiet as his friend keeps on rambling. He sighed and looked down towards the floor, feeling sad for Taehyung but knows its his own damn mistake.

"Honestly Tae? I dont think that's up to you,"

/////

Days that lead after their breakup was hell to Taehyung. Nothing seems to go right. He didnt have the heart to give his best performance for any of his shows or to even put even a pinch of effort on his dance practice. The only thing he can think of is how to get Y/N back.

Y/N was completely serious when she told him that they were over. She blocked him on all her private social medias, and as well as his number. She didnt keep in contact with any of the boys even when they tried to, or any of their mutual friends. She even moved out from her old apartment. Taehyung have absolutely no way to contact her, or get updates about her, except from her public accounts which is filled with comments telling her to be strong and flirty remarks from various men, suggesting that now she is finally single, they are always available to replace Taehyung's place if she so desired, making Taehyung balled his fist in fury. What's even worse is the television is still filled with news about her daily life. Where she's been, what she's wearing and what she's been doing. Taehyung can only sit, frozen on the couch and watch Y/N graced the TV screen, flashing her exhausted but still beautiful smile. Y/N is the country sweetheart, she will always stay that way, and he is the asshole who broke her heart.

Looking at her from the glossy television screen, Taehyung wonders what has gotten into him to even thought of cheating when he already have the most perfect girl in the world. He has perfection but somehow he went for something else.

The news of their break up seems to act an invitation to Nari who keeps showing up to his show during backstage and of course, on his tours. The boys will just sit with awkward silent whenever Nari appeared, the complete opposite reaction from days when Y/N used to come and visit him during his shows. Feeling angry at himself and Nari for exposing them, he dragged her out from their dressing room and warned her to never appear in front of him ever again. He knows he is being an asshole. Its not fully Nari's fault. It takes two to cheat. But he rather be an asshole to her now than risk people seeing them together and lose all chances to ever be with Y/N again.

He closes his eyes after he sat back down on his makeup chair, trying to get rid of the images of a furious and crying Nari and his thoughts ran back to Y/N. God, he misses her. He miss her smile, her laughter, her kisses. He miss how she would usually be here backstage with him. Taking snippets and selfies to post on her page and how she will always keep the cutest one for her own personal keeping.

"I cant share everything about my boyfriend to everyone. Some of is for my eyes only. You are mine Tae. You are stuck with me forever," she giggled when Taehyung once asks her about it before they share a passionate kiss.

I will always be yours Y/N. Do you still want me to be yours?

Taehyung opened his eyes and quickly wiped away the tears that seems to trickled at the corner of his eyes when he heard soft footsteps coming from the dressing room next door.

EXO's dressing room.

"Did you hear that Y/N is finally single now?" Taehyung's ears quickly catch the soft voices at the mentioned of Y/N's name. Why is his sunbaenims talking about Y/N?

"Of course he does Suho-hyung. He keeps everything there is to know about her up to date, like a creepy stalker," another voice chuckled, which Taehyung immediately recognized as Sehun's.

"Shut up!"

"Ohhh you are blushing hyung! You like her dont you? Just admit it. All the other hyungs already knows aboit it too!" Sehun laughs. Taehyung cranks his neck to catch a glimpse of the third guy who is supposedly in love with his girlfriend.

"I do not! Just shut up!"

"Sorry Baek, but I'm with the maknae on this one. You are so in love with her, its getting disgusting," Suho added on from the maknae's teasing. "Maybe you can make your move now, while she's single. You know how people wants to be with her. With guys throwing themselves at her left and right, I bet she wont be single for long! After all, she's used to dating an idol anyway, so she will have no problem in dating you," the boys are silent for a while before Taehyung finally hears the voice he now know as Baekhyun's.

"I dont know. She's V's ex girlfriend. You know I'm friends with him. Isnt it breaking the bro code or something to go after his ex?" he sighed. Taehyung felt a little relief to hear his friend's word and smile a little.

"I know, I know. I'm friends with him too! But he's the dumbass who cheated on her. Its not like you would act on it if they are still together. They are over! Besides, doesnt it means that he didnt love her if he is willing to cheat? He probably wont even care,"

Baekhyun stayed quiet for a moment, pondering on his leader's words. "You know what. Maybe you are right hyung. I think I should go for it this time. I will make Y/N mine," come Baekhyun's determined voice, followed by a loud whoop who Taehyung presumed is from the other EXO's members who has joined the other three.

The dressing room is filled with cold silence as the other six boys look at each other, obviously having heard the same conversation as Taehyung did. Jungkook finally decides to speak up after a moment.

"Tae-hyung, are you-"

"I'm fine," he grunted, but he doesnt look fine at all as he balled his hand into fists. "That doesnt matter. Y/N loves me. I made a stupid mistake but I will make it right again. Y/N and me will be back together again. I will get her back. I know I will," he said, shutting the other boys right up, although he himself is not convinced by his own words as he turned to see Baekhyun's handsome face as him and his group passes by their room on their way to the stage.

/////

"And here, we have..." Y/N smile into the hand held camera as she knocked on the dressing room door before pushing it opened. Its another one of her backstage videos and she is doing a short interview with all the artists. Most of them already know her and dont usually mind her presence. Y/N stepped inside and cursed herself for not first checking which group this room belongs too. Seven pair of eyes turned to look at her with a smile, one with a particulay large boxy one.

Taehyung's face light up once he sees Y/N enters his dressing room with her camera. She must be doing one of her videos again, he thought. Taehyung is just ecstatic to just see her again. He misses her face so much. Taehyung took a step forward to lead her nearer to the group like he would usually do but Y/N quickly manuever her steps and went beside Namjoon instead, who is on the opposite side of Taehyung, making everybody stood awkwardly before Y/N cleared her throat, putting on a cheerful face and starts to ask the questions.

"And that's all the time we have for Bangtan!" Y/N greeted her viewers before she and the rest of the members waved goodbye before ending the recording.

"Thankyou guys. My viewers would be so happy to see you guys again. Bangtan havent appeared on my show since after... uhmm," Y/N stopped herself before she could continued, the boys all looking quietly at each other.

Before I cheated on you. Taehyung told himself as he hung his head low.

"Uhm ah, okay then. I should be going for my next interview. They are coming off stage soon," Y/N bowed and quickly make her way out, not noticing Taehyung followed after her until he grabbed her hand and turned her around to face him.

"Y/N,"

"Taehyung," Y/N answered back quietly, avoiding his eyes.

"Its been so long since you've call me by my full name..." he mumbled quietly. Y/N never calls him that ever since they got together. She will always go by Tae, Taetae or his personal favorite, baby. Taehyung would give anything to hear her calls him that again.

"Um... well. We both better get used to it. I cant be calling you anything else but that anymore," Taehyung ignored the pain he felt in his chest at her statement.

"How are you?" he nervously asked. Looking at her wide innocent eyes staring up at him, looking so beautiful without even the slightest make up on, Taehyung just wanted to pull her into his arms and just keep her in his embraced if he could right this moment but he knows he might not be able to do that ever again, and that realization makes him feel sick to the stomach.

"I... I'm doing okay. I guess," she replied with a soft smile.

"That's... that's good," an awkward siilent as Y/N fiddles with her fingers, waiting for Taehyung to search for something to say. He has never been at a loss of words with Y/N before and its killing him. He wants everything to go back to normal. If he could just turn back time, he wishes he never met Nari and he never even thought of breaking Y/N's heart. But everything is just too late now.

"Y/N, I miss you,"

Taehyung blurted out, taking Y/N by surprised. Y/N sighed as she lowered her gaze.

"Taehyung... dont,"

"But its true. I miss you. I miss you so much Y/N," Taehyung found a bit of courage when he sees Y/N is still standing here and not running away like he expect her too after his sudden confession. He took a step closer and took hold of her soft hands, which she didnt pull away. "Dont you... dont you miss me at all?"

"I do," Y/N closes her eyes. "I miss you every single day, it hurts," she pulled her hands away.

"Then, cant you give me a chance to make up for my mistakes?"

"I wish I could Taehyung. But everytime I told myself to try, I imagined you and her, and my heart breaks all over again. I can never even imagine myself falling in love with anyone else and I'm dying everyday when I remember that you dont even love me enough to think the same. It kills me when I think about how I used to be unable to fall asleep without you by my side whenever you are on tour because I miss you too much but you were sound asleep next to her, tangling under her sheets. I feel like crumbling when I'm reminded how you use to smile and told me you love me but in reality you never really did. I'm dying inside Taehyung. You and her... I just..."

Taehyung felt his heart ached, breaking. This is the first time since they broke up that Y/N really tells him how she felt. Taehyung wanted to tell her none of it is true. He loves her. When he told her he loves her, he really meant it. Nari could never even compare to Y/N. Not even a bit. Taehyung didnt know why he cheated. He blamed it on his lust. His desires as a hot blooded men, but that is not enough to make it right. Nothing could ever make it right. Y/N looked so defeated, fallen, that if burning every inch of himself could make her smile again, Taehyung would do it in a blink of an eye. But it could not, nothing could.

"I still love you Taehyung," Y/N suddenly voiced out, snapping him out of his thoughts. He looks at her, feeling a ray of hope. "But I dont want to anymore,"

Taehyung finally understand what heartbreaks really meant upon hearing Y/N last words. How can he live his days in a world where Y/N, his angel Y/N, dont even want to love him anymore?

"Y/N-"

"Hey Tae darling," Nari suddenly appeared out of no where, linking her hand around Taehyung's arms. She smiled at Taehyung before flicking her eyes towards Y/N.

"Oh. Hey. We met at the after party the other day right?" She smirked. Y/N just nodded and her eyes went to Taehyung's face who is now lined with panic as he tries to shake himself out from Nari's hold.

"Y/N, Y/N, baby, this is not what it looks-" but Y/N quickly bowed and give the two of them a small smile before running off to the other direction.

/////

"Ouch,"

"Oh shit sorry. I didnt think anyone would be sitting here. Are you..." Baekhyun stopped mid sentence when he sees who is actually sitting on the ground, leaning against the door that he just swung opened and his heart starts to race.

Its Y/N.

"...okay?"

Y/N quickly wiped her puffy eyes and her pink runny nose before quickly standing up and bowed. "I'm sorry. I didnt know anyone would be using this door," she bowed again and start to move away when Baekhyun stopped her.

"Wait!" Y/N turned around with a look of confusion. "Urm ahh... are you okay? You dont look okay? Have you been crying? People dont usually cry at musuc shows," Baekhyun rambled on. Its his first time to actually talk to Y/N face to face and there is no way he's letting this opportunity pass although he silently cursed himself for stammering and asking such uncool questions. Y/N giggled at his question.

"Dont your fans usually cry when they got to see you guys perform live or something?" Baekhyun laughs. He never would have thought that A) Y/N would recognized who he is and B) Would respond to his lame attempt of conversation with a joke.

"Well, you dont seem like the kind who would cry over an idol," he flashed his beautiful smile. Y/N laughs lightly.

"Then you obviously dont know me," she answered with a small voice.

That asshole V must be the one who made her cry again.

Baekhyun thought to himself as he thinks about what Y/N meant. His mind clicked back to the scene he saw a few moments ago, where V is dragging one of the girl idol inside an empty dressing room. He has a stern look on his face but the girl is obviously hanging onto his arm like he is the last meal on earth. Y/N must have seen them together.

"Then the idol that makes such a beautiful girl like you cry must be the stupidest idol alive," he replied. He knows it sounds cheesy as hell, but it feels right to say it to Y/N. She laughs.

"Thankyou for making me laugh," she wiped her eyes. "And sorry for blocking the door. I shall get going now,"

"No!" Baekhyun shouted out of panic to see her leave. Y/N looks more confused than ever. "I mean... since I hit you with the door, why dont I give you a tour of EXO's dressing room? The members are all there. It would be good for your show. You never asked us to be on your show before," he faked pouted.

"Wait. You know who I am?" Y/N was surprised. She didnt expect for such a big group to actually know her.

"Of course I do. You are Y/N! You are the best social influencer and Youtuber out there. I have your account on subscribe," he winked. "So what do you say? For the sake of your show?" After pondering for a moment, Y/N agrees. What does she has to lose anyway.

Meeting the rest of EXO is something Y/N could never have imagined herself doing. They are nice, friendly, humble and funny. And there are just so many of them. They made the content of her videos more funny and entertaining and her visit to their dressing room never ceased of laughter.

"Quick work Baek," Suho whispered in his ear as the leader passes Baekhyun's with a grin on his face. Baekhyun just rolls his eyes and turned back to watch Y/N naturally conversing with his members, a smile crept on his face without him realizing.

How in the world can someone cheat on someone so perfect? V you are such an idiot. You truly are.

/////

Taehyung tapped his fingers on his computer table, anxious, while his mind cant stop repeating what he saw earlier today. After his conversation with Y/N, which was rudely interrupted by Nari, he dragged Nari off to warn and remind her once again that what they had is a mistake and its over. He huffed back to his dressing room and that's when he heard the voice as he pass by EXO's dressing room, Y/N''s laughter. He peeks his head through the crack and saw Y/N laughing so hard with the members, holding out her camera. She must be doing a show with them. But what bothers him the most is the sight of damn Baekhyun always by her side. After the conversation he heard earlier, that is the sight that he never wishes to see.

Teahyung quickly types in Y/N Youtube account and scroll for her latest upload, clicking on the most recent ones, which is of course, her interview with EXO earlier. Taehyung restlessly finished watching the clip, hating every moment of it. But what makes his blood boil the most are the comments below.

Awww Y/N and Baek looks so adorable together.

Do I smell a new ship coming?

God, I hope Baek and Y/N gets together.

I ship ship ship ship Y/NHyun forever.

Y/N deserves to be happy. And look how happy Baekhyun is making her!

Taehyung slammed his laptop shut and buried his head in his hands. He cant lose Y/N. He cant. Y/N is his everything. His perfect match.

That damn hyung!

/////

The gossips about Y/N and Baekhyun are getting ridiculous. Everywhere Taehyung turns, there are stories about them. The only thing that helps calm his heart is whenever someone asks Y/N about Baekhyun, she will profusely denied that they are in a relationship. Always saying that she only respected him as a senior idol in the industry, although Baekhyun in the other hand, will usually flashed his tantalizing smile when asked the same question, creating more assumption about the two.

He tried to be civil. He really did. After all, Taehyung knows he doesnt have any right to stop Y/N from dating anyone else she wants, but that thought still kills him inside. He kept his cool whenever he met Baekhyun backstage or at some shows, although what he really wanted to do is told him to back away from his girl. But Taehyung finally loses his cool when he saw the two of them together one day.

Y/N and Baekhyun was invited for a show and when they are done, Taehyung caught a glimpse of them backstage. He saw how his sunbae tucked Y/N's hair behind her ear and whisper something to her. No matter how hard he tried, he still cant hear what was being said but it doesnt matter when he saw Baekhyun leaned in and kiss her right on the lips. It took Y/N a few seconds to recover from her shocked and realized what was happening before she pushed him away, stammering what Taehyung guess is 'I'm sorry' and ran off, leaving the older man in dazed. Taehyung knows he should just let it go. Y/N is no longer his and she didnt want the kiss. She even pushed him away. But the thought of some other man laying his hand on her, touching Y/N like what Taehyung used to do set him on fire, and without realizing, Taehyung has already jumped on his sunbae and land a punched across his face, making him fall to the ground.

Taehyung stood, watching the older man laying on the ground with blazing eyes, chest heaving up and down from his heavy breathing.

"I'm not going to fight you," Baekhyun breaks the silenced as he wiped the blood that trickled down from his lips.

"What?"

"I'm not going to fight you V. Yes, I think you already know that I love her. And yes, I still dont think you deserve her after the shit you've done to her," Taehyung growled. "But I love her enough to just want her to be happy. If she decides its you who can make her happy and wants you back, there is nothing in the world that I can do change her mind. And if she decides she dont want you and chose me instead, there is also nothing I can do to change that V. Everything is up to her.So rather than fighting me, dont you think you should focus on getting Y/N's forgiveness first? I dont want to fight you. I care for you like a brother V," Baekhyun sighed. "And truth be told, I dont think Y/N will ever love me like she did with you," he patted Taehyung's back and limped away, leaving Taehyung stunned and regretting his actions.

/////

Taehyung laid down on his bed, still thinking about the whole Baekhyun and Y/N debacle. He only saw him trying to kiss her and he's already loosing it. How must Y/N felt when she finds out that he actually slept with someone else? Taehyung close his eyes, feeling the tears starts to pricked the back of his eyes. Why is he such an asshole? Why did he do this to Y/N? What was he thinking? So many questions but none that he can answer. Taehyung almost drowned himself in self pity when his door slammed opened, revealing a fuming Y/N, both hands on her hips, stalking towards him with a purpose.

"Kim Taehyung! Did you just seriously punched Baekhyun across the face? Are you crazy?!" Taehyung immediately stood up from his bed, surprised by her yelling presence.

"Y... Y/N?"

"Sorry Taetae. She was knocking on the front door like crazy. I thought the door would fall off! She came straight in here when I let her in," Hoseok peeked from the door before quickly walks away after offering his explanation, not wanting to get involved in what seems to be a lover's spat.

"Explain yourself!"

"I'm not sorry for what I did Y/N! He got his hands all over you! How can I just stand and watch someone claimed whats mine right in front of me?" Taehyung crosses his arms across his chest, not backing down although an angry Y/N did scare him a little.

"I am not yours Taehyung! We broke up a long time ago! And whatever it is, it still doesnt give you the right to go around and punch people!"

"No! You were mine Y/N and you will be again. You were made for me and I am made for you. I know you felt it too. I know you can feel that I am the one for you. Why are you so angry? This is because of Baekhyun isnt it? Because I hurt your boyfriend's face?" Taehyung growled, spatting his last words. He really wished he could land another punched on Baekhyun's face right now when he thinks about how Y/N is defending him right now.

"I dont want you back Taehyung! I dont want to be with you! I dont want to love you! Cant you understand that? This has nothing to do with Baek! We are just friends," Y/N is frustrated. Why is Taehyung acting like this? Why is he making things more complicated?

"This is what you call being friends? Him trying to kiss you?!" Y/N seethed in anger as Taehyung yelled at her. Who does he think he is?

"Why do you care Taehyung? You are no longer my boyfriend. What I do and who I do it with has nothing to do with you. You lost your right the moment you decide to fuck Nari when you are still together with me!" Y/N is finally crying now. She had tried so hard to composed herself in front of him, but the memory of his infidelity always breaks her heart all over again. "You lost your right when you break my heart into pieces Tae..." Y/N sobbed, her face are now wet with tears. Taehyung's heart ached like crazy to see his baby crying so hard, hurt and broken because of him. He quickly walks to her and engulfed her in a tight hug, tucking her head underneath his chin. It also didnt get passed him that Y/N finally called him Tae again, making his heart skipped a beat.

"Y/N... I'm am so so sorry for what I did. Please baby..."

"Just let me go Tae. Please let me end this pain that I'm feeling. Let me go..." Y/N plead between her sobs, making Taehyung cry with her. He didnt know he had broke Y/N down this bad, but still, he cant give her what she wanted. He cant live without her.

"No! I wont let you go Y/N. I just... cant. Im not lying when I said I cant live without you baby. Nari is a mistake. A huge damn fucking mistake that I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to you. Nothing could excuse what I did. And nothing will be a good enough reason for you to forgive me. But no matter what happen, I'm going to do it with you by my side, as my wife,"

"What?!"

"Y/N i love you. And I know. I know I dont deserve you. Especially after this stupid shit that I've done. Hell, no one in this world deserves you. You are an angel. But you are an angel sent for me. To lead my way back. Im lost without you Y/N. You are my perfect match in every way. Marry me Y/N. You dont have to forgive me right now, but please. Please please please dont leave me. I cant live without you. I'm begging you," Taehyung fell to his knees, hugging Y/N tight by tbe waist. Whatever punishment she decides to give him, he will accept it, no questions asked. He will do anything, anything at all, except leaving her.

"I cant Tae... I cant do this," Y/N cried, her tears falling on his arms as he pried his hands away and ran off.

Ever since that day, Y/N kept on receiving weird packages delivered to her house from Taehyung. A single fork, a salt shaker, a one sided glove, a one sided sock, a single earring, a single chopstick and whole bunch of other incomplete things. Its always wrapped nicely in a box, completed with a ribbon, and always comes with the same note everytime.

Me without you. Xoxo Tae

Y/N finally had enough and decide to personally asks Taehyung to stopped when she came home one day to received about a 100 pieces of one sided shoes. A 100 of left sides. Y/N thought Taehyung has gone crazy and immediately pays him a visit.

"Stop sending me useless things. I dont want to hear from you anymore Tae," Y/N sighed in frustration the moment Taehyung open the door to his dorm.

"All those things, they are useless isnt it?" Was all he asked with his lifeless and tired eyes.

"Yes! Why do you feel the need to send me 100 left side of a shoe? And a single chopstick? Stop playing games Taehyung. This is getting exhausting," Y/N wailed, about to turn and exit the dorm but what he said next stopped her.

"Thats me,"

"What?" Y/N asked, irritated and confused.

"Thats me without you. Useless," Taehyung raised his head to stare deep into her eyes. For the longest time after they broke up, Y/N can finally see the pain, hurt, regret and sadness in his dark eyes.

"Tae-"

"Im just like those things when I'm not with you Y/N. Useless, worthless, impratical, purposeless and dysfunctional,"

"Tae, stop,"

"Its true Y/N," Taehyung closes the gap between the two of them and held her tight by the shoulders. "I love you so much. Y/N, baby, do you know what perfect means to me?" He peered into her eyes, trying to see if she is still listening to him. "It means two things that are completely different but complimented each other in every way. You are everything that I am not Y/N, that is why you complete me. So tell me Y/N, how can I ever be complete without you? How can a spoon be complete without its fork? A chopstick without its partner? Even with a hundred pieces, a left side of a shoe is still isnt complete without its right side. That's me without you baby,"

"Taehyung..." Y/N is trying hard to blinked back the tears. Why is Taehyung saying all this? Why cant he just let her go without reminding her about his feelings?

"Come back to me Y/N," Taehyung whispered. "Dont you ever wonder why you still bother to put up with my shit even after we broke up? Its because you cant move on from me either baby. I am a part of you. We are made for each other. We are not complete without one another. You are what prefected my whole being Y/N. Without you I'm just sugar without salt, egg without the yolk, sea without the sand, sun without the moon. You are my perfect match in every way. I might be an old torned right side of a shoe, flawed and made the stupidest mistake anyone can think off, but I'm still your right side of shoe." Taehyung gave her a tiny smile. “Let me make it up to you for all of my mistakes. Let me love you right this time,”

"What do you say baby? Will you come back to me please? Will you be my right shoe?" He laughs a little at the comparison, making Y/N smile between her tears. "Will you give us a chance to be the perfect couple once again?"

Y/N leaned closer and placed her forehead against Taehyung's. To be honest, she's exhausted of fighting her own heart to stay away from him. She's tired of being sad, lonely and hurt. She's tired of missing him. Taehyung was right. He is her perfect match in every way, she could never stay away for long. Yes, he broke her heart, but he also regretted it, and he realized what he did wrong and he had also suffered because of it. Humans arent perfect, and that is what make Taehyung and her perfect for each other.

"Its going to take a long time to fix this Tae...but..." Taehyung looked at her, waiting for her next sentence in full anticipation. "Yes. Yes Tae, I will be your right shoe," she laughs as she finally gives in and accept his kiss.

[ithisatanytime]

there were a number of contributing factors though. as soon as i was furloughed due to covid from a job i had worked incredibly hard not just to get but to keep, i decided fuck it it was time to take drastic measures, so i decided to go on testosterone, now testosterone replacement is something i had been looking into for close to a decade at that point, and i knew the risks and how to mitigate them, finally i decided it was time to try as id had nothing to lose. honestly it was underwhelming as far as what i was attempting to use it for, but it wasnt nothing and it was actually pretty cheap on top of it, so i did this for a full year and then some. when introduced phenibut into the mix, as a lark, seriously i had no idea what it was, i expected it was like a herbal supplement, thats the one time in my whole life i took anything without really knowing what it was, besides gas station boner pills, and i really thought phenibut was similar, that it would do nothing. but obviously it didnt and from literally the first dose i was badly physically dependent without realizing. one peculiar side effect is my anti estrogen pills straight up stopped working. for over a year i took one half of one, every three days, and i had almost no estrogen symptoms whatsover, but when i added phenibut two things happened right away, first of all i felt like what i thought steroids would feel like before i tried them, and i was suddenly going to the gym constantly, my weight jumped from 170 to 185 and lean, but then i started getting these insane estrogen sides, my nipples became puffy, i started bloating, acne etc, i had become quite familiar with what high estrogen feels like, and it was suddenly insanely out of control. i upped my anti estrogen pills to two a day and that seemed to work, but i quickly ran out of estrogen pills, i could have bought more, but at that point the psychosis had fully set in, and when my package wasnt delivered, instead a note was delivered saying i had to pick my package up at the post office, i was certain that the illuminati was responsible, i went out of my way to tell my mother “the illuminati is after me” which is not really what i thought, i suspected the literal devil was after me, but perhaps that would be more palatable. she wasnt thrilled.

  from there i ran out of testosterone, but i had purchased clomid a year prior, its a research chemical that is commonly used after someone is finished injecting testosterone, because it will jump start your bodies natural test production as well as fertility, theres only one issue with it, its notorious for making people have manic episodes and go insane. luckily i was already insane, but the chlomid was like throwing fuel on a fire. man those weeks leading up to calling skyes mom were the craziest by fucking far. i mean there was still a good week or two where shit was beyond wild while we were talkng, i dont even think she noticed me improving because it had happened so gradually, but initially i would get “Stuck” places, i suddenly couldnt move, i didnt know anything, not who or where i was, and just unbelievable fear, several times a night, i get stuck for 45 minutes at a time. oh shit i almost forgot, during that like three week period, i couldnt read and i couldnt use the computer (i couldnt read) my vision was so blurry, or something i cant quite explain it, but id just send her these videos to her phone of me just looking pitiful and embarrassing as all hell being like “im stuck” largely to document it, but also as hard as this is to admit, ive never been succesfully comforted by anyone else in my entire life, except maybe my mother when i was a toddler, but beyond that shes the only one who ever had that effect on me. she makes me feel safe. ah fuck im gonna make myself cry if i think about it. but yeah literally hundreds of videos in a single night like that. i had to send videos because again, i couldnt read. pretty funny

[dykedykegooses]

i'm askin u every single even numbered question for the lesbian ask game

at least you didnt bother with the algebra this time, for which i am thankful

Femme or butch?

i’m more femme but i try to act butch sometimes and i just end up failing hopelessly. ‘look mom i know how to put air in a tire!!’ ‘peyton thats like… not even right’ or ‘oh SHIT look at that blitz!! that was cool’ ‘peyton that was a sack’ ‘oh’

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

not really, mostly just like… humor. if u funny we click

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

why not both?

no but seriously plaid tbh

Describe your style

um yes

converse, (ripped? sometimes) jeans, and whatever top i feel is appropriate for the Big Aesthetic today

Describe your aesthetic

yes

ive tried going more punk but its just kinda , not worked

my physical aesthetic is very adultolescent. i got chub and look like a freshman but ive been told i pass as a college senior so like

my Big Mood aesthetic is yes

Favorite article of clothing?

either my converse or my “”combat boots”” (theyre not and it makes me sound like an edgelord just saying that) (can you tell im gay)

OH WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT MY JEAN JACKET its like baggy and light and ive started sewing patches from my favorite bands on it (super punk right)

Favorite pair of shoes?

^^^

oh my black strappy heels, theyre surprisingly comfortable

Current haircut?

ive got a bleached bob rn

Any haircut goals for the future?

i kinda want a pixie cut bc i cant handle long hair however long hair is so PRETTY and wow

Describe the best date you’ve been on

iiiiiiiiii dont really know. ive been on very few. i have a Perfect Date in mind, and i guess my favorite was my first date with my ex. we had gotten back from a successful science competition (HAVE I MADE IT OBVIOUS IM A NERD YET IM A BIG OL NERD) and it was like midnight by the time we got back and we were both starving so we went to taco bell and just sat there talking and laughing and i know we were pissing off the staff, but we stayed til like two in the morning and we went home and honestly we both considered it a date but we didnt like… tell each other it was a date? if that makes sense? idk honestly im triggered

Describe the worst date you’ve been on

ugh oh god i went on a tinder date and this girl like in the DMs was like ‘hey do u smoke weed’ and im like ‘lol no’ and then like we made plans to meet up at a coffee shop and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed and im like……………. no and shes like ‘oh right lol’ well THIS BITCH sleeps through the time we were supposed to meet, completely stands me up, and then texts me back like an hour later and was like ‘omg im sorry i overslept!!!’ and it was like….. noon but ok so we meet up after my class and we just sit there really awkwardly trying to make conversation and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed im like ‘honey no i dont’ and we just talked about drugs for a while and when i left because i had to gtfo she like gave me an awkward hug and like i sent a text later that night bc im courteous and im like ‘hey i had a great time today’ (i didnt) ‘lmk if you ever want to meet up again!!’ and she just. ignored me lol.

Single? Taken?

im currently in a polyamorous relationship with myself and my anxiety

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

:)

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

someone who’s able to make me laugh and deal with my bad ideas and will let me cook for her and wants to travel the world with me

Describe your dream wedding

its small. outside. maybe in a field or in front of a lake. i dont personally want a big ballgown, just a short white dress will do. lavenders everywhere. R A I N B O W  C A K E. reception where we slow dance to all the sappy romance songs. its great.

Do you want kids?

not really, but ive considered being a foster parent. i feel like im here to do good; i don’t want to have my own biological children, and im not sure i want to have the permanent responsibility of adopting a kid, but i feel i could handle fostering once we’re financially stable and have the room to accept children into our home.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

spain, definitely. somewhere in the north. i want to have a small farm with goats and chickens and vegetables and i want to be away from this american mess.

Favorite lesbian movie?

well ysee…………. the only two explicitly lesbian movies ive seen have been ‘all about E’ and ‘blue is the warmest color’ and i didnt like either of the lmfaoooo i prefer watching lesbian television shows tbqh (or, most commonly, just rewriting all the female characters in my head to be sapphic sooooooo dont @ me)

Favorite lesbian novel/story?

i mean same as above, i dont read as much as i like to. however, i did read “georgia peaches and other forbidden fruit” and that was Really Good and i did read another that was slightly better, but i forget the name but it was about a pakistani (?) girl who was struggling to come out to her parents bc they were very traditionalist but she joins the theater and her like really elite school and the girl she had a crush on basically outs her and is a bitch about it and GOD i wish i could remember it because it was really good

Favorite lesbian song?

ummmmmmmmmmmm i just recently listened to ‘honey’ by kehlani and that was pretty good and pretty gay, but my personal favorite is ‘girls’ by beatrice eli bc holy shit what a Mood

Favorite lesbian musician?

i love mary lambert and beatrice eli.

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?

ummmmm now that im thinking of them i cant think of any. i used to play softball and soccer? i love cats. i immediately start planning out the next five years of our lives together anytime im remotely interested in a girl?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i mean………………. no

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

well bake cookies w me and lets go for a walk & go out and watch the stars at night in the bed of a truck

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

I LOVE LOVING GIRLS!!!!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN!!!!!! GIRLS ARE FANTASTIC!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

why not both

idk ive never had a cat but i know i lov them

Turn ons?

i.......... dont know

yes

im gay

Turn offs?

long nails youch theyre pretty to look at but i mean at what price

not having anything to talk about

putting yourself down like a lot (i went on a date w this one girl and that was all she did like the entire date like......... im sorry ? :(???)

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

if im being honest i would love for someone to ask me out but since that is Very Unlikely, i tend to be the one to message first and initiate dates and stuff

What is your dream career?

i want to be a psychological researcher in the field of social comparative psychology how sick is that!!!!! just play with dogs all day and record whether or not they boop their noses on a screen

also i wanna be a farmer and a bookstore owner but thats Farther down the line like , when im 50

Talk about your interests or hobbies!

im honestly such a psych nerd i love psychology what the fuck!! its so interesting like ppl are weird man idk brains are weird

im also having a really big green day phase like billie .. he so smol... and also anyone who wants to bash warning or the trilogy can fight me ok those are like My Favorite Albums

im going to a concert in february to see declan mckenna, a Giant Meme

im getting a tattoo w some lyrics of declan’s actually its gonna be sick

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?

yes

idk for me its being able to have quick, witty, skillful jokes i just love listening to girls talk and tell stories and jokes like wow im gay

also long curly hair? thats always a Solid Look

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

i mean. do we really wanna open this can of worms rn

too late, its open

i get those microcrushes where you like see a girl and youre like ‘WOW IM GAY DATE ME’ however once it comes to actually being in a relationship i throw my full weight behind it and worry that im being too suffocating or that im pushing my boundaries etc and ive been told that makes me come off really cold and uncaring so lol choose ur own adventure, you decide

Ever fallen for your best-friend?

unfortunately

Ever fallen for a straight girl?

can you even call yourself a lesbian if you havent

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)

i havent seen it, im such a fake lesbian

Favorite comfort food?

mac n cheese

or pizza

or cheesy potatos

OR CHEESY TOAST

scientific conclusion: im a fatass

Coffee or tea?

coffer

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

im vegetarian!! have been on and off for like two years now

Do you have any pets?

i have one pup sittin right next to me and shes the prettiest girl in the world

Early-riser or night-owl?

yes

idk i get up at like 9 which is early for me but not as early as like. 5. so

more like night-owl. thanks teenage hormones!

What is your sign?

pisces

Can you drive?

yes

can i drive well?

no

but i do have a sense of direction so thats cool

Who was your first lesbian crush?

tbh.................... my best friend, but i didnt realize it was a crush at the time

the first Gay Crush i had that i knew was a crush was on my close friend at the time, now my ex girlfriend

At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

uhhhhhhhhhh lesbian specifically, like 15-16. queer, i knew in like fall semester freshman year (so like 13??)

At what age did you come out (if you have)?

i mean, i come out to people all the time. first time i came out explicitly as a lesbian was when i was like 15 or 16 (actually i came out to a close straight friend and my ex and they both said ‘congrats’ like it was weird but very nice) and the first time i came out as queer/questioning was to my then-best friend at like 13 and i came out to my mom (involuntarily) at like 17? ish?

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

yes im crushing on every girl simultaneously at all times

just kidding

(not really)

i dont really have any explicit crushes that i can think of im just really gay

Talk about how your day went

it was fine. got free froyo so that was cool. found out i made an A on my bio practical, so that was cool too. however, i wore a crop top and it was like 55 degrees out and raining so i looked like a total Idiot but yk follow ur slutty gay dreams amiright ladies

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

most of mine are career-centric, but a few are personal.

i wanna go to costa rica in may, i wanna go to yale over the summer, i wanna go to NYC pride in june, i wanna go to spain after i graduate, i wanna go to grad school, i wanna be a psychological researcher, i wanna move to spain or england or hell even france, i wanna have my own farm with the woman i love, i wanna own an LGBT bookstore/library, i wanna just live a quiet life near the sea and not have to worry so much after a while.

Least favorite gay celebrity?

this is a weird one to end on, but iiiiiiim not sure i have one? i can tell you ellen page is probably my favorite, but i cant think of many i dislike so