#ITS A GOOD THING NOTHINF BAD HAPPENS TO THEM

[emmyrosee]

guys….

i think im in love with eren………….

[forsuremabe]

My only entry in my diary 2024

I have said that I am depressed countless of times but, I think I am more convinced that I l, instead, have a huge disconnect to the world and to myself.

One finding that I read says that one of the causes of feeling such disconnect is trauma. That makes sense because, since I was a child, I have tried so many times to live in another world. Through my day and night I dreamt to escape to an alternate reality, hopefully a better reality. This caused me to forgot a lot of things, particularly THE fun things. I mostly write bad stories or my bad day in my diary because honestly it is what stuck through my day and what my brain processed. Probably, this was the result of being in a dangerous household because of beatings, cheatings and all shit things. So, I forced my mind to make up realities in my head to my favor or you can say to my “happiness”, at its lowest meaning in my life.

Regardless, I have hope in changing that. I have hope ever since I got flashbacks of good times from my childhood and past life events. It was nice to remember them but, it was also sad. Because I wasn’t present enough on that time, I forgot to give value back and care enough to the people that made a positive impact on me.

So here I am writing a plan on how to be present:

🌅 every morning - either shower or straight to brushing teeth and, most importantly, no background or anything. Focus and be mindful of surroundings.

🖇️ in between work - watch anything you like and anything you want to do, to distress

🖼️ after work - de-stress for an hour, nothinf for an hour!

☑️ mindfulness walking/yoga- 20minutes

☑️ jog outside for 30 mins

☑️ mindfulness cleaning - 10 -30 minutes

☑️ play with everyone for 1 hour

🌃 winding down- peacefully trying to fall asleep so, write things to be grateful for today and read a book or actively watch a tv show without any distractions.

I don’t want to bombard myself with plentiful of do’s or I want to be realistic with my goals. Nevertheless, I am overly guaranteed that this initial method will help.

———————————

Lol. Nothing really happened!!!!!!!

Ahhhhh

[chimeracrash]

augh i needta vent because this has been on my mind for a bit and I need to get it out and like. Two people know who I am so it doesn't really.matter I just need to air some shit abt myself to SOMEONE

So a while back, like. A month ago?? Two??? I had two weeks worth of drrp events and had a panic attack on the last one while I was on discord [which. Happens sometimes, ngl] so I decided to log off for the day. But then it happened the next day, and the next, and now I can't even get on because of this just. Wall of anxiety over it because I Didnt say Anyrhing!!!! I just dissapeard!!

And then a bunch of really personal family stuff happened and I hit a depression wall and i genuinely think I dissociated for a fucking month because I thought it was still September until like. The day before yesterday

Like. NOTHINF good has happened since September started. I can't get on discord [where all.my friends are] without panicking and closing it immediately, I've been so out of it for two.months straight I forgot what fucking time it was, I don't got a therapist no more, just a bunch of shit

Like. What have I done these two months??? I haven't drawn anything. I haven't written much [ill get to that one sec]. I haven't talked to my friends [WHO I DISSAPEARED ON!!! I'm still kicking myself over that] what am I supposed to say to them??? I forgot??? I can't go into detail to them because thats an uncomfortable amount of shit to go into and talking to people makes me anxious in general but I've missed two months of drrp and just!!! Fuxk!!! I'm afraid they've just killed my characters off because I justbpoofed for two months

literally only two good things happened these past two monrhs; my neighbors outdoor cat [that we take care of] had kittens [that my mom is adopting out] and I've fallen in love with one of them and I found a comfort series in puyo puyo but like. Tbars it. Thats the highlight of the past two months. Kiytens and puyo.

It'll likely be a few more days before I work up the courage to get back on discord but ill try tomorrow [or technically today??? Idomt ficking care rn its 2am]

Sorry abt just screaming into the void and bad writinf but I needed to get it out and I can't talk to anyone but said void