#IT SHOULD BE VERY NORMAL TO NOT TELL PATIENTS TO LOSE WEIGHT IT SHOULD BE VERY NORMAL TO DISCOURAGE MALNUTRITION

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

Today I heard a medical professional casually mention that I "of course shouldn't lose weight" (and I'm like. kinda fat by fatphobic standards although I would just call it "pretty average"). Thank you normal and sensible people reminding me not everything is the sort of hell that I see Americans talk about on tumblr.

[m4rv3l-girl]

I have one that's slightly personal,it's okay if you don't want to do it though.Reader that grew up in a toxic enviroment(mostly verbal abuse,yelling,maybe very mild physical violence,the one that tends to get normalized such as slapping)has a troubled relationship with their parents,but struggles to realise that she was actually abused and what happened was wrong because she was gaslighted into thinking that others had it wrong and she should be grateful things weren't worse.Bucky who knows very well how belittling any kind of mistreatment is,will take none of that and tries to make her understand that not all situations are black and white and human relationships can have many dynamics,but still be problematic and hurtful.

Warnings: Mentions of a difficult childhood. Mentions of abuse.

You never really thought of yourself as someone who had a bad childhood.

Unpleasant? Sure. Tense? Definitely. But bad? No. It wasn’t like you had bruises to show for it. No horror movie level of abuse. You always figured people had it worse. Your parents weren’t outright monsters, just… difficult. Critical. Harsh when they were in a mood. But they put a roof over your head, didn’t they? They kept you fed. Maybe they called you ungrateful or selfish or stupid sometimes, but didn’t every parent lose their temper?

At least, that’s what you always told yourself.

Bucky wasn’t buying it.

You hadn’t planned on telling him any of this. But one night, curled up on the couch, something in the way he spoke about his own past cracked something open inside of you. You told him things you’d never told anyone. Things that had been rattling around in your head for years, growing dust, never quite making sense.

It had started with something simple. A passing comment, really.

“My mom used to hate when I did that,” you had said with a laugh, after Bucky made some offhand remark about you never finishing a drink before grabbing a new one. “She’d go off on these whole rants about how wasteful I was.”

Bucky had chuckled at first, but something in his expression shifted. “Sounds intense.”

You shrugged. “She was just like that. Always had to make a point out of everything.”

That should’ve been the end of it. But Bucky had this way of looking at you, of listening—not just to the words you were saying, but to what was buried underneath them. You weren’t sure how it happened, but one minute you were brushing off a memory, and the next you were talking.

Really talking.

It felt strange at first, saying it all out loud. Like admitting to something embarrassing, something you weren’t even sure you should be embarrassed about. But Bucky sat there, patient, steady. No interruptions. No quick reassurances or attempts to rationalize it away. Just listening.

“I mean, I know everyone’s parents yell,” you said, running a hand along the seam of your leggings, fingers searching for something to fidget with. “But sometimes it was like… like there was no middle ground. Either she was fine, or she was furious. I could never tell what was going to set her off.”

Bucky’s hand found yours, metal fingers wrapping gently around them. Not pulling, not pushing. Just there. “That’s a lot to live with, doll.”

You shrugged. “I guess. It wasn’t like I was scared of her or anything. I mean, she never—” You cut yourself off, reconsidering. “Well. She wasn’t violent.”

Bucky didn’t say anything, but the weight of his gaze was heavy.

“She slapped me a couple times,” you admitted, voice quieter now. “But it wasn’t, like, a real hit. Just quick, like I was being put back in my place.”

His grip on your hand tightened just slightly. “That’s real enough.”

You exhaled, shaking your head. “I don’t know. It’s not like I ever had bruises or anything. It was just how things were. Sometimes she was fine, sometimes she’d lose her temper. And when she did, she always made sure I knew it was my fault.”

Bucky’s jaw tensed. “What do you mean?”

You hesitated, an old, familiar instinct telling you to soften the edges of the story. Make it sound better than it was. But if there was anyone who would see through that, it was Bucky Barnes.

“I mean… I don’t know. She’d tell me I was too sensitive. That I twisted her words and made her out to be the bad guy. That I was lucky I had it so good, because other kids had it worse. And I guess I believed her.”

“Of course you did,” Bucky said, quiet but firm. “You were a kid. She was your mother.”

You swallowed hard. “She had this way of making me feel stupid for being upset. Like, if I ever cried, she’d laugh at me. Ask if I was really crying over something so small. And when I got older, she’d say things like ‘you just love playing the victim, don’t you?’ or ‘God, you’re exhausting.’”

Bucky made a low, disgruntled noise at that. You could feel the tension in his body, the way he was holding himself back. Not from you - never from you - but from the frustration curling under his ribs.

“I think that’s why I don’t… I don’t really get upset when people say mean things now,” you continued. “I just kind of take it. ‘Cause I spent so many years being told that reacting to it was worse than the words themselves.”

And Bucky, in that soft, steady voice of his, had simply said, “Doll… that’s not normal.”

It had made you laugh. “It’s not that bad, Buck.”

“It doesn’t have to be ‘that bad’ to be bad,” he said immediately, blue eyes locked onto yours with a mix of stubbornness and something heartbreakingly tender. “You’re allowed to say it hurt you.”

Something in your chest twisted, but you shook it off. “I mean, everyone’s parents yell.”

He tilted his head. “Not like that, they don’t.”

You rolled your eyes, the instinct to minimize and deflect kicking in like second nature. “C’mon. It wasn’t abuse or anything.”

Bucky didn’t flinch, but you knew him well enough to catch the way his jaw set. The slight narrowing of his eyes. “Sweetheart.” He took a breath to reign himself in. “I know what abuse looks like.”

His voice was careful, deliberate. Not patronizing, not pitying. Just a statement of fact. And, well. If there was anyone who could speak to the nuances of mistreatment, the shades of gray in human cruelty, it was Bucky Barnes.

You swallowed hard, the automatic defenses scrambling to take over. “I mean, they had a rough time. It wasn’t easy for them either. It wasn’t like they didn’t love me.”

His expression softened, but his gaze stayed unwavering. “You can love someone and still hurt them.”

You opened your mouth, then closed it. That… wasn’t something you’d ever considered before.

Bucky sighed and reached for your hand, his metal fingers curling around yours with infinite gentleness. “You think you have to justify it, don’t you?”

The words hit harder than you expected. “I don’t know.”

“Yeah, you do.” His thumb brushed absently over your knuckles. “You think if you say it out loud, you’re making a big deal out of nothing. That if you acknowledge it hurt, you’re being unfair to them.”

Your throat felt tight. “Well… yeah.”

Bucky exhaled through his nose. “Doll, listen to me.” He leaned in, his voice quiet but firm. “Pain doesn’t have a ranking system. You don’t have to measure it against someone else’s to decide if it’s valid.”

You let out a shaky breath, staring at where your hands intertwined. His warmth, the sheer steadiness of his presence, made something in you ache.

“I don’t know how to see it any other way,” you admitted, voice small. “I’ve spent so long convincing myself it wasn’t a big deal.”

Bucky nodded slowly, like he understood. “That’s how you survived it.”

You blinked at him, caught off guard by how easily he put it into words.

He leaned in slightly, his forehead nearly touching yours. “But you don’t have to just survive anymore, doll. You get to feel it now. You get to be angry, if you want. You get to grieve what you deserved but didn’t get.”

A tear slipped down your cheek before you could stop it. Bucky caught it with his thumb, brushing it away like it was nothing. Like it didn’t make him see you any differently.

“You deserved better.” he murmured.

You let out a shaky breath, gripping his hand tighter. “I think I’m finally starting to believe that.”

His lips quirked up in a soft, proud smile. “Good. ‘Cause I’m sure as hell not letting you forget it.”

——————————————————————————————————

Here you go, Hun, I hope it was what you were wanting. ❤️

[heymeowmao]

2024.11.13 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321325100305527472192

LYN: Hallo everybody, good evening. I am Liu Yuning. Welcome! LYN: Long time no see? It feels that way.

C: Lao-da, you look kind of cute today. LYN: I’m so old, so let me pretend to be young every once in a while. Let’s see if any elementary schoolers can start liking me this way. Because people always say that the average age of my fanbase is on the older side, and I’m not convinced. Lets see if there are any elementary school students who can “win the prize”. C: Lao-da, I’m 54 this year. LYN: Welcome, da-jie. Welcome, welcome. See how sweet your little brother is? :)

LYN: Did you think today was the 4.0 (Carnation Music Festival)? It’s not. It’s still being planned. Yesterday I suddenly had a thought- every time one of my dramas airs I should have a music festival as a way of giving back to my fans: the actor-fan friends and singer-fan friends. There are also the… 20yuan-fans? And the more recent “kill them all” fans. 

C: What’s the theme for tonight? LYN: The theme? Wow, you have such a sense of ritual. Im over here just streaming as I normally would, and here you are asking what the theme is. In that case, the theme for tonight is uh… having debuted for six years now. No, no! That’s too heavy of a burden, let’s forget that. I’m just kidding- that’s too heavy. Today’s theme is “Chatting on the Kang (bed-stove).” Now we have a theme. LYN: I think this type of person with a sense of ritual is really great. Because for example, you’d cook a table full of dishes for your family, and say, “This dish is called the “Hall of Gold and Jade. This one is “Snowfall on a Volcano”.” Something very artistic like that. You’re the type of person who would light a candle to eat some sugar-mixed tomatoes. A person with such a strong sense of ritual that even a livestream needs a theme. 

C: Ning-ge, I just got into high school and I’m already depressed. What should I do? LYN: It’s okay. I’m depressed, too. LYN: No, just kidding. It’s okay- you can think more of happy things. To live a positive life, you should go to a hospital to get checked out. If you’re in a bad mood, that can also become a psychological illness. I advise you to go see a doctor. Don’t brush it off. Try to see a doctor or something. Get checked out.

C: Ning-ge, I can’t see your eyes. The glasses reflect the light. LYN: That’s exactly what I want. If you can’t see my eyes clearly then you won’t be able to tell what I’m thinking. C: Take the lenses out. LYN: I won’t! These were very expensive, and you want me to take the lenses out?? I’m wearing these mainly because my eyes have been pretty swollen for the past couple of days. The glasses are here to cover up some ugliness. Don’t mind it, okay? Thank you all. LYN: Yes, they’re covering my little eyes. A person’s face is all about how much “empty space” there is. If there is a lot of “empty space”, then your face looks big. My eyes are on the small side, so that means the “empty space” on my face appears larger. If I wear these glasses then they are considered a part of my eyes and that “empty space” gets smaller, so my face will seem smaller. Do you get it? C: The “empty space” on my face is very large- what should I do? LYN: /laughs/ I’m like a cosmetic surgeon. There are a lot of patients here for a consultation, huh? If the empty space on your face is large, the first thing you can do is lose weight. If you are thinner, the space will become smaller. Secondly, when putting on your makeup, you can draw your eyes larger and that will make it look better.

- /claps a bug/ LYN: ?? What season is this? Why are there still mosquitoes in my house? That’s scary.

C: Why are your eyes swollen? LYN: No, they’re swollen because of… sleep. Normally when I wake up and need to get my makeup done I start with swelling reduction. Like using an ice pack to ice my eyelids and putting on some eye cream, and massaging the area to reduce the swelling. But today I came to stream so I was thinking I didn’t need do be so formal with it. I was afraid you’d be anxious to see me.

C: Can you let the female celebrity appear? LYN: Forget it. How about later? I can’t let her steal my limelight.

C: Why are you so pale? LYN: Firstly, I applied a BB cream. That’s mainly to even out my skin tone! And secondly… I turned on the whitening effect! The beauty filters are on and I adjusted the whitening a little, but not too much. 

C: I’m a new fan, can you give me your hat? LYN: I cannot. Bold of a new fan to ask for my hat! My old fans can’t even have it, right?! Some of them have been with me for the past five to six years. /trips up on the pronunciation/ Oh- look at my Mandarin; and you’re all praising me for my food lines? /repeats himself, more “clearly”/ The friends who have been with me for five-six years haven’t even gotten a hat out of me. Even if I DID give this hat away, it would be to an old fan first. They’d wear it for a year and then pass it down to you. If you want to wear this hat, you have to line up. Let’s draw a lottery in the group chat.

C: Your nasal tone is very strong. LYN: /sniffs/ Yeah, what’s wrong with me? Why do I have such a strong nasal tone today? Why?

LYN: One friend said something very touching. They said, “Your livestream is the best gift.” Wow. What a romantic fellow, you are!

C: I really like to hear you sing. LYN: Ok, remember to come when I hold my concert next year. C: Is it a tour? LYN: Yes, a tour. We had a meeting the other day to discuss my concert in more detail. We’re predicting it’ll be 10 cities, and we haven’t yet determined how many shows in each. Maybe one or two, depending on the city. But they’ll be the provincial capital cities. Zhejiang and Chongqing-around Sichuan, definitely. Hefei is a possibility. Hangzhou, definitely. For the Northeast we’ll probably do one within Liaoning, and another one will be Xi’an. Anyway, there are ten cities. You can think about it. Wuhan, for sure; two shows there. C: What about Shandong???? LYN: Mostly likely in Jinan, yeah. I don’t know. Shandong… It might be Qingdao. It’s uncertain. We’ll see. LYN: I’m concerning Harbin. Should I go? I don’t know- I’ll think about it later. In any case, it’s 10 cities. At that time I hope everyone can (come)- I predict that I won’t be holding these too regularly. One city every two weeks. Or... two months for three cities? Like that. I’ll have the tour finished in half a year. C: Boss, can you see me? Can you see me, Boss? When will the concert be held next year? LYN: It’ll be held at the start of the year, next year. Around February, after the New Year. Ok?

C: Lao-da, your hat has a loose thread. LYN: Is this a loose thread? This product (quality) is really average. I’m not slandering your brand- but this big of a loose thread feels like an antenna. Or is this a deliberate design element? This hat was quite expensive… You’re done for. You’ve been exposed by consumers on the spot. C: Ning-ge, yours must be a fake then. LYN: A fake?! What fake?? I, Liu Yuning, use fakes??? Are you kidding me?? This is genuine! It’s authentic! /scoffs/ A fake…

LYN: Oh, Kang Ju is here? Welcome, welcome. Welcome, Xiao Hai. (Yu Yonghai)

C: Participate in Hi6 more often! LYN: You’re thinking too much. First of all, Hi6 is not a place just anyone can go to. Secondly, I am not so welcomed that Hi6 would keep inviting me. I’m not that popular. So I’ll go to play on occasion, coincidentally when I have dramas airing. I can show my face a little and through this program let more people know that I have an airing drama, that’s all. It’s enough. LYN: How can I ALWAYS go? People would find me annoying. C: Lao-da, people like you! LYN: Yeah, people like YOU. It’s only you fans and my friends that support me that think that whatever I do is good. But of course, you have to take others into consideration.

C: Will there be more variety shows this year? LYN: Yes, but I can’t say which. Why? Because before- my old fans all know this- there was one time a variety show invited me and I was so happy. I had only just debuted and in my excitement I did a livestream to tell you all about it. Then a few days later I was notified that I didn’t need to show up for it anymore. It didn’t pan out. Anything I tell you about in advance has a tendency to not pan out in the end. :| LYN: I’ll keep it a secret first. Well, it’s not a secret. It’ll be airing soon enough. C: Everyone who steals your work will turn out a flop. LYN: No, don’t say that. You can’t have that kind of mentality. Life isn’t easy for anyone. I’m not that great either. I am also average. We’re all just making a living.

C: Where did you buy the necklace? LYN: I strung it myself. This is an accessory that I put together myself. Two years ago I started liking to play with these beads two years ago, and I did serious research and bought all different kinds. At first it was the baixiang seeds, then when I had enough of those I moved on to the Star & Moon beads (xing-yue), after buying a bunch of those I moved on to Phoenix Eye (fengyan). Phoenix Eye beads are relatively more expensive; so it cost me quite some money. After playing with Phoenix Eye beads, I moved on to walnuts. After playing with walnuts, I moved on to King Kong beads. I played with those quite a bit and as of now the ones that I’ve touched the most are the King Kong and Phoenix Eye beads. C: The smaller Phoenix Eye bodhi beads are more expensive. LYN: Yes, the smaller ones are very expensive. For example, I didn’t understand at first how a string of size 7 wooden beads could be so expensive at 1m+. Of course, I still don’t understand it. Size 7s sell more more than 1million… ??? LYN: But these things can’t be judged. Because if you want to qualify them by their original standards, they’re really just agriculture side products. They’re just the seeds of various fruits that grow throughout the year, nothing special. But a string of King Kong beads can sell for tens of thousands. Of course, there are cheaper ones that are sold for hundreds or tens. It just depends on how good of a quality you want to play with. LYN: We have some insiders here. Someone said that the bracelet I’m wearing looks nice. You can tell what it’s made out of from so far away?? This one was very cheap, less than a thousand. It only cost a few hundred. Just a small accessory.

-----

C: Ning-ge, is it true that when you’re nervous you start picking at your hands and you made yourself bleed? LYN: You mean I was nervous when filming and hurt my hand? I saw quite a few netizens comment on that, saying “LYN is good. This type of actor is good at getting into the role. Look- when he’s acting nervous he even went so far as to make himself bleed. Where else are you going to find such a dedicated actor? This is too professional, he’s really blended his soul in with the character’s.” Um, well… I saw that comment and I didn’t have the heart to reveal the truth. I was afraid that if I told the truth they wouldn’t think I was a good actor anymore. LYN: It’s like this, friends. Today I will reveal the truth of the situation. /pulls up the Conan theme/ That’s right. The truth is! That hand was injured during filming for a fight scene. But it so happens that I also had to shoot the scene in question on the same day, so I told the videographer that they had to focus on my hand for it. It was a coincidence that made it look as if YZJ was so nervous that he broke skin on his hand. There is always only one truth! LYN: Flowing water has no direction, drifting wind has no trace, and every case is full of confusion. The only one who can see the truth of the situation is who appears to a child on the outside but is beyond ordinary on the inside- Detective Conan! I’m living up to the mood. LYN: It’s really a coincidence. Just coincidence.

LYN: Actually, I always see people analyzing my performance and I think that’s a good thing! People are starting to understand me. Of course, people are also criticizing me, and I accept and acknowledge their criticism. I am open-minded and welcome to learn. Honestly, as an (actor)- What I like is to brainstorm. I like to think about all of the possibilities. For example, recently- I think it’s aired, right? When I fight over the knife. It’s raining and I’m holding an umbrella and need to take the knife away from the FL. /confirming/ It’s aired. Actually, the snatching of the knife and throwing away the umbrella are elements I designed myself. At the time it was raining in the scene, and I thought it wouldn’t look good for me to still be holding that umbrella while walking away. From YZJ’s perspective, it would be right to throw the umbrella to the ground and leave it for DW. LYN: I saw many people saying that YZJ only grabbed the knife in order to hurt himself.* Actually, that’s not true. My concept for this plot element was not to inflict self-harm, nor was it to make the FL feel sorry for me. I was afraid she would hurt herself. She was holding the knife, and I had the thought of taking it away. I took it because, as YZJ, I was thinking “she’s holding this knife, and what if she is so deeply hurt by this situation that she hurts herself”? Even though I KNOW that this FL is not so fragile to the point that she would. But “what if?”, right? I know it wasn’t possible that she would express self-harming behavior, but what if she did? Everything is possible, right? So I took the knife away. That was designed. Some people were saying I was trying to inflict self-harm. YZJ is not that perverse. He had to take the knife away before he left her. - *[t/n: I (and many others) thought he was trying to hurt himself, as punishment for putting DW through so much pain and getting to walk away from her, even though it was ~to protect her~. I know YZJ was also injured in that fight but that’s only physical & he didn’t know that DW thought HE PURPOSELY SHOT HER and then just left her to die. EMOTIONAL DAMAGE.] LYN: I’ll think about these things when I’m acting, but I won’t say too much. I don’t want to come across as- (arrogant)

- 26:45: [t/n: something I can’t make out but that LYN seems to take offense to. :(] LYN: Bah! Such a great act of love, and in your eyes it’s merely _____?? How superficial! LYN: You little girls are really- you’d only dare to be so perverted online. I said, “bah!” (onomatopoeia for the act of spitting) and you said, “Spit on my face, Lao-da.” Does your mother know what you do online?? I’ll take a screenshot of this and send it to your mother- do you feel no shame? Huh?? Sometimes I’ll scroll across a group of- I don’t which genius made the emoji. It was when I was recording for Our Song, and there was an expression like this: /pumps his fist in a “victory” pose/, and there were four words at the bottom: “(I) want to get sexy/horny”. … What are you thinking?!? You bunch of little girls... ohhh my goodness. - LYN: There was an interview yesterday, in which I seem to have exposed some of my shoulder. Oh, my god. All the comments that were popping up on screen were about it. Gosh. It’s like even exposing a shoulder nowadays is too much. If you’re going to be like that, let me tell you- I think that you are all good people. Why? Because there are very many male actors with good physiques who spend days in their drama shirtless. The pecs and abs are all out. They have good figures and can show that off, but I don’t have a good figure. Instead, you’ve gotten “high” (excited) over an exposed shoulder. I really want to adopt the anti’s words for this: “Go eat something better.” You’re excited just to see a shoulder?? LYN: Of course, it’s also like this: Even though people say “eat something better” I want to say this- there’s an old saying in Chinese that goes like this: “That which tastes good is inferior to that which you love to eat.” No matter how rich, delicious, pretty or expensive your feast may be, I still prefer the bowl of jajang noodles that my mother made me. Even though it may taste good, it still can’t win over something you like eating. LYN: So, they weren’t wrong (to get excited over a shoulder). But try not to express your emotions all over the internet like that. The comments people make online these days are terrifying. What if one day you become a celebrity?? That girl earlier- what if one day you become a big celebrity? At that time, people will flip through the comments you’ve made and discover that you once asked LYN to spit on your face during a livestream. This is all your dark history. Be cautious with your words and actions, speak politely, and make kind comments. - C: I don’t care! LYN: /laughs/ Do you mean you don’t care about people digging up your dark past after you’ve become a celebrity, or you don’t care if I spit on your face or not? These two things, both are not very good. I won’t be doing it, ok? Thank you.

----- 

31:25 -- bgm: 足够 (Enough) by 银河快递 (Galaxy Express)

C: Lao-da, do you have an affiliate link for the hat? LYN: I don’t sell good, here. Nothing I wear is due to collaboration (or sponsor). Don’t think I’m trying to do any product placement, because I’m not! Don’t buy it. It’s expensive. It’s not worth it. C: I want to buy it. I have money. LYN: If you have money then you can do what you want. Who cares, then. Go ahead and buy it.

C: Did YZJ die at the end? LYN: Stop asking! Is that something you need to worry about? What does it have to do with you? You’ll know when the time comes. C: If he dies, then I’ll stop watching. LYN: … If you’re going to say that, then he doesn’t die. He’s abducted by aliens. C: Oh, no. You went silent for three seconds. LYN: Oh- someone said that they’d stop watching if YZJ dies, but I paused for three seconds and didn’t answer. You took that to mean that it’s possible that he dies, is that it? Of course, anything is possible, but the problem is- I can’t tell you. Just watch.

C: Have you gotten the last few songs for your album yet? LYN: I’m still choosing- its undecided. I’m hesitating on whether I want the song(s) or not.

C: If I watch an ad, can I resurrect YZJ? LYN: You can bring anyone back.

C: Lao-da, don’t covet other people’s puppies. LYN: It’s just that I feel affectionate when I see other Schnauzers. Sometimes I am away on business and I can’t take Daimi with me, so when I see other dogs I’m friendly towards them. Actually, I don’t really like other people’s dogs. Since I’m raising one myself, I don’t really like touching other people’s dogs. I can hold or pet other dogs, but I don’t really like them that much. C: Why is she called “Daimi”? LYN: Because she’s very dumb (affectionate). When I first brought her home she was a little slow and looked foolish. Looking into her eyes, you can tell she’s not very bright, so I called her “Dummy”.

C: Do some crosstalk. LYN: ? Friends, I’ve discovered that there really are psychos on the internet. People who are mentally abnormal are more bountiful than you might think. Honestly. You might think that you rarely come across someone who is mentally ill or otherwise terrifying, but they’re all over the internet. I’m not kidding. Seriously, there are people who speak total nonsense. You know? It’s scary. I’m afraid of these people. Even though when you see me in my stream I’m arrogant and domineering, when I go out I’m nice and obedient. Because there really are a lot of mentally ill people out there.

LYN: That’s why I think that my fans are so good, and I’m not just saying that to sound nice. There’s no need to say much, because you all already know. Our fans are really good. Why? Because I feel like there are not very many artists who would dare to be so close to their fans. For example, when I go to greet you, and get up close. I used to be confused about that. Why wouldn’t an artist want to be close to their fans? What’s the big deal? The fans are all very good, just standing there and greeting you and taking some pictures. What’s wrong with taking a few photos? It’s fine. Why wouldn’t they dare to be close to you? LYN: But the problem is- let me tell you- my fans really ARE different from everyone else’s. Why? Sometimes when I go to an event, I can tell the difference between my fans and fans of others. Other people’s fans can be categorized into two types. The first, let me imitate for you, they’re like this- /indifferent/ “Who is that? So tall. Who? Liu Yuning?? Who’s that?” That’s the first type. The second type is like this- ”Who is that? Liu Yuning?!” Then they take out their phones and start taking photo/video, but their phones are this close to my face- /puts it right up to his face/. I feel like these fans may have been doctors before, because they keep trying to shove the scope into my mouth. They want to give you a check up with a laryngoscope. They want to see if your teeth are straight or not. The dermatologists want to check if they can see the mites on your skin. Some of them aim at my ear, to check if I have any inflammation or ear disability or something like that. Or, they aim for the head- very close. Like they’re going to give your brain a CT scan. Oh my god, it’s just so close. But my fans basically won’t do this. They’ll stay away from me, maintaining a safe distance of about one meter. Because they know that I don’t like it and I’ll feel uncomfortable, and they respect that. You can take pictures of me, but not too many. They know not to get too close too. Otherwise it’s like you’re trying to jump into my arms. It feels like you want to use your phone to measure my heartrate. LYN: But this actually this the normal state of being, for other people’s fans. They are just THAT enthusiastic. I’ve seen one particularly exaggerated case- and I’m not trying to belittle other people’s fans, just sharing what I saw. I was with another artist in an elevator, and- usually when I go out I don’t have security or anything, you all know this. So this other artist and I are coming down in the elevator, and they have a security guard with them. For example, we were going from the 10th floor to the 1st- it stopped on the 7th. The doors opened- regular guests will need to get on/off the elevator too, right?- there were two girls standing there. They were going to come into the cab, and the security said, “Sorry, please wait for the next one.” And these two girls said, “Why should we? We’re guests here, so why should we take the next one? Who do you think you are? So what if you’re celebrities??” And the guard said, “I told you to get off, did you hear me?” I was standing there thinking, “This isn’t proper, is it? Aren’t you afraid of being criticized if news of this gets out? Isn’t this too weird? How can you do this? They’re normal guests, why don’t you let them ride with us??” The two girls wouldn’t leave so the guard pushed them out, gently, and the door closed. I was still thinking, “Wouldn’t we be over if this gets posted on the internet?” Isn’t this something people get cancelled for?? But here comes the twist, friends- the girl pressed the elevator call button with her left hand and held up her phone with the right, and stood there grinning. She just wouldn’t let us go; she just wanted to record us. LYN: When I encounter situations like this, I’m thankful that my fans are the best. None of my fans have ever done this. In all the years that I’ve debuted, I have never met a fan who has done this kind of thing to me.

- C: Ge, hire me as your security. LYN: Are you the type who can fight back, or who can stand a beating? - LYN: Honestly, there are still a few (“fans”) who aren’t respectful and… yeah… it’s not great. But my fans are very good. For the most part, you’re all very good. Every time there’s an event there are managers who coordinate and take you all out to play and such. As a whole you’re very orderly which is not something you can see with other fans, and for that I’m proud. C: We’re capable of shouting, quite loudly too. LYN: /shouts the fan mottos in a weird voice/ C: What the heck was that?! LYN: What do you mean?!? It’s a portrayal of your “madness”. It’s a kind of passion.

C: Lao-da, you have no work this month. LYN: You can’t hurt me like that, ok? What do you mean? You mean that I’ve flopped, so the only thing I can do now is stay at home and “pick at my feet” (idle)- is that what you mean? You think I’m a foot-picking boy, now? I have so much work it’ll scare you to death. C: Paronychia. LYN: I don’t have paronychia, and it’s not because I have it that I’m “pick at my feet”. The foot-picking I’m talking about and the foot-picking due to paronychia are two different matters entirely. “Foot-picking” means that I have nothing to do. It doesn’t mean we’re trying to treat a disease. They’re two different things. It’s a figure of speech, you know? “Picking one’s feet” is a metaphor, it’s not the act of actually picking one’s foot. You can also say, “picking the ears” but it means the same thing- “having nothing to do.” C: You really don’t have any more work? LYN: No, I don’t. I’m a flop. I don’t have work anymore. I have very very little work to do. LYN: I don’t have a lot of work, so I was thinking about letting Daimi go and get some endorsements. It looks like our female celebrity’s first commercial is about to debut.

LYN: Friends, you don’t need to be anxious or worried for me because you think I don’t have work. Don’t…- I just haven’t joined a film crew, is all. I want to pause, too. I told you this before, I’ve been filming for four years and I pretty much haven’t left Hengdian in all that time. I’ve just been filming and not doing much of anything else. I can’t keep going on like this, so I want to take a short break. I need to settle down, do some thinking, and let it all sink in before I once again immerse myself in this kind of work. Lately I’ve come back into being a singer and doing some more artist-related stuff, such as variety shows which don’t have to do specifically with being a singer or an actor. I can make some appearances, attend some events/programs, work on my album (properly), record OSTs, and etc. It’s about time, because I can’t put off my concert any longer. C: Do more magazine shoots. I love to see them. LYN: /sigh/ I don’t have any plans for that at the moment.

C: You jumped so far in Hi6! LYN: You mean with Xiao Ding? Actually, we didn’t perform as well as we could have. We could have jumped farther. At first I thought it would be hard to jump together, but in fact it was very easy. Those first few stumbling steps baffled me and I thought it would be hard. But actually… it was very simple.

-----53:58 -- bgm: Wish (惟愿) [The Story of Pearl Girl OST] C: This song will be popular! LYN: Whether an OST is popular or not, for the most part, depends on the drama itself. If the drama keeps being broadcast and if people watch it, then the song will more easily become popular. So… I think it’s all good, though. Every song has its own place, function, and a responsibility that brought it into this world. If it fulfills its purpose, that’s enough.

C: I saw the ZLYM promo materials in the subway yesterday. LYN: Thank you everyone. Of course, I hope that you all can continue to support ZLYM. It’s about halfway through now, and I’ve seen that people are enjoying it. They’re expressing their own opinions and suggestions. It’s all good, as long as there’s a discussion. That’s what makes it fun, right? If a drama isn’t even being discussed, then… you know. Then it’s not a good product. LYN: Of course, I don’t dare to say that ZLYM is very good. Honestly- when I recommend it to everyone as an actor, I feel it’s because I’ve done my best to fulfill my duties and I took it seriously and didn’t slack off or anything else. The actors all took it seriously. The final results after broadcast is not something that the actors can control. I really tried my best. I really tried.

C: Ning-ge, if I buy Dandong strawberries from you, can I get a discount? LYN: I don’t know. I don’t know what a strawberry merchant would be. If you go to buy Dandong strawberries, you can ask them if they can sell it to you for cheaper. If they say they can’t, then say you know LYN. Tell them, “LYN is my friend.” You can give it a try. When you buy strawberries, if they don’t give you a discount, tell them that LYN is your friend. Mention me. See if they’ll give you face or not. If they don’t give you a cheaper price, then they’re not giving me any face. If they don’t give me face, then the consequences will be- there are none. You can try. If you ask me, I honestly don’t know. LYN: I’ve thought about it before. I was thinking of getting greenhouse in Dandong for the express purpose of growing strawberries. Of course, I wouldn’t sell them. I would give them to friends or something nice. A lot of people in this industry, and on weibo, and my friends all take good care of me and support my livestreams. This includes all the promotion from various networks and entertainment channels, etc. You’re all very supportive of me. So as a Dandong native the first thing I should do around the new year is to send around strawberries. Even if I can’t mail out that many, at the very least I should give one or two, to try.

C: Aren’t we friends? Give me some. LYN: I can. But you know what this is like? Let’s say your friend has opened a restaurant- would you go there to eat every day? You have friends, right? Let’s say you have a friend in real life who’s opened a restaurant and you go to their place to eat every day. Your friend asks if you could stop, and you reply “Aren’t we friends, though?” Would you just boldly continue to go back? It’s possible that you go to your friend’s restaurant to eat and they give you a slightly bigger portion or a little of a discount. But you can’t say “Aren’t we friends? Can’t I eat for free?” C: Ning-ge, I AM that thick-skinned. LYN: Don’t bluff. If you really were so thick-skinned, there’s no way you could have friends. C: When you’re thick-skinned, you can eat your fill. LYN: Did your parents teach you that?? Since young your parents have told you, “Child, when you go out into the world you must remember one thing. “When you’re thick-skinned, you can eat your fill.”” (•᷄- •᷅ ;) You can’t be like that. C: You taught us. LYN: I can’t teach you. LYN: When you’re thick-skinned, you can eat your fill. If you’re thin-skinned, you’ll never be full. /laughs/ NO!! It has nothing to do with how thick-skinned you are or aren’t! There are quite a lot of rules when it comes to food. Of course, if you’re ordering takeout you can order tens or thousands of dollars’ worth if it will make you full. But if you’re out eating with others, you should maintain some etiquette. C: If you’re thin-skinned, you can’t eat anything. LYN: Wh- where is this coming from?? I was so poor when I was little, but I never heard that phrase before.

C: How bad is your myopia? LYN: My left eye is pretty severe- 5.0. My right eye is 5.1. Yeah. That’s my visual acuity. When I go out on a trip or something I don’t even need binoculars. I see super clear and in high-def. I see in 8k. C: It’s that bad?? LYN: Yes, one’s even at 5.0. It’s not very good… C: The lenses are blinding me. LYN: Stop staring at my eyes, then. You can stare at these ears instead. You can stare at the top of my head. You can stare at the mic, or the background. Stop staring at my eyes. You’ll make me shy.

C: How long have you been streaming? LYN: Let me check- 1h, 6m. Not bad.

C: Was shooting the scene with fire dangerous? LYN: It’s dangerous. That applies to anything. Honestly, if I had to say whether it was dangerous or not, it was actually okay. The threat of danger is definitely there. Our drama pursues realism. With some scenes, when using the camera to shoot, you can’t feel exactly how close the fire is to you. You might feel like it’s flaming, but you’re half a meter away and it’s fine. But the fire has heat. So.. it’s dangerous but you’re an actor, so what can you do about it? You can only shoot the scene. The only thing you can do is pay attention to safety, right? The danger’s in the fact that the hair is so long that if you flip it, it’s possible you flip it into the fire. Because the scene is chaotic and you have to act panicked, so one wrong move could flip your hair into the fire and then it’s all going up in flames. LYN: But we do set up precautionary measures. Do you remember in YNGS, there was a scene by the river and we built up a funeral pyre for all the fallen Six Paths brothers? It looks like we were standing far away, and actually we WERE standing very far away. After shooting that scene, all our eyelashes were gone- every actor there didn’t have eyelashes anymore. Well, the male actors, because we were standing slightly closer. You can feel the fire cooking you. We lost our eyelashes. Mine already weren’t very long to begin with. :| After shooting that scene I looked in the mirror and even I felt like I didn’t look like myself. We were really far away from it but the heat of the fire was too great. Thankfully, none of the male actors present that day were wearing contacts! If they were, they would have melted onto the eye. Very dangerous. - LYN: Lots of people try to give me advice, too. Saying, “Ning-ge, your eyes are small. Why not wear colored lenses?” I have seen people wear colored lenses before, yes. But I forgot what variety show I was watching, but one of the laoshi-s said that actors shouldn’t be wearing lenses, because then your eyes cannot convey emotions. You may LOOK better, but in acting your eyes are important for transmitting information. So if they’re covered with a layer of plastic… what would you be conveying? Right? There’d be no light in your eyes. That’s why I don’t wear any. C: Ning-ge, your eyes are too small. You wouldn’t be able to get any in. LYN: /laughs/ It’s possible. I’ve tried and worn them before a few times. At the time I wore blue ones. I did wear them for a while but later I thought better of it. I’d wear them but shed a bunch of tears. C: What if you can’t see? LYN: You can wear lenses with prescription, just not the colored lenses. Do you get it? I was talking about the colored lenses (for aesthetics), not contact lenses. I’m sorry. Maybe I didn’t describe them appropriately. You can wear contact lens, because they have no color. That’s okay- the transparent ones which serve to correct your myopia. But I was talking about colored lenses.

C: Why aren’t you playing with beads? - /shows that he is/ LYN: You must have just come in. I’m not, really. Why would I need to during a stream?

1:11:35 -- Break #1

LYN: They weren’t fighting. They were watching YZJ’s fight scene. I was wondering who was shouting so fiercely, too. I was wondering whose voice sounded so nice? It turned out to be YZJ’s lines. C: Master, must have really needed to go. LYN: Shut your mouth! You did that on purpose, didn’t you?? - ^ t/n: referencing lines from the drama

C: Is the ending to ZLYM a HE (happy ending)? LYN: Yes, it’s an HE. Very “H”. Very “E”, yes. Very “E”... - C: Dongfang Qingcang. LYN: It’s possible. Maybe the voice I heard earlier was the downstairs neighbors watching LBFaD. I don’t know. In any case the neighbors across the way were watching ZLYM. Very nice. A happy family reunion. A family of five was there, watching. Isn’t that nice? - C: That’s what you said for the last drama, too. LYN: The “HE” I was referring to for YNGS stood for “box”. Last time when you asked if the ending for YNGS was HE or BE, I told you it was “Hé” for “box”. They’re all in a box. I played with a homophonic pun- one is 盒 (box) and the other is river (河). One, everyone is in a small box. The second is... their ashes were scattered into the river. LYN: But ZLYM doesn’t have any boxes, and no one is in the river. It’s just a “hé”. C: Does he die with no final resting place? LYN: … /plays the Conan theme/ The only ones who can see the truth are the livestream viewers! /laughing/ Die with no final resting place…? Can’t you be more optimistic?? You can’t wish for something better? Not even a box?? He’s just thrown out into the wilderness??? You people are so bad. Do you want YZJ to live or die? Even if he dies, he can’t even die well? You must be an anti! Are you an anti?!

LYN: I forgot to thank weibo; my fellows here are very supportive. I’m very grateful. Thank you very much.

C: Ning-ge, can you play any living roles? LYN: /huffs a laugh/ I don’t know why. When I was playing 2ML, I always died. When I was acting as supporting characters I always died. Now I’m playing the lead role and… I still die. I ALWAYS die. I don’t know why; no one else has experienced this before, right? Maybe it’s that I’ve acted too little, still. If I act more then maybe we can shift the probability.

C: What’s that thing spinning in the back? LYN: /plays Faye Wong’s 旋木 (Carousel) in response/

C: Ning-ge, shoot a cooking VLOG for us. LYN: Actually, I shot one before. But… because a lot of other people have already done cooking VLOGS, and I don’t like repeating what others have already done. If I do shoot one- and this includes the Carnation Music Festival 4.0- then my execution will definitely be different from what you’ve seen before. I’ll definitely make some upgrades so that it’s not the same. Only by doing that will it be interesting. Otherwise, I don’t think there’s a point. I’m the type of person who will do something only if I have an interest and if it’s meaningful. I want things to be better than they were the last time. I’m this type of person, yeah. So.. we’ll see. CMF4.0 might have some upgrades… but those upgrades might not be very… “upgraded.” I’ve been thinking about this the past couple of days. I’m planning for when I’m finished with my work, so around the 20th or 25th. We’ll hold another Carnation Music Festival. 20-25th, somewhere around those dates. C: Today isn’t 4.0?? LYN: Today isn’t 4.0. It’s just a normal ordinary stream. It’s already very exciting, isn’t it? That friend was so surprised to find out today isn’t CMF4.0. Today is just a very normal, every day, extremely ordinary stream. LYN: … I need to find another song. -- 普通Disco (Ordinary Disco) LYN: Very ordinary.

C: The person who would make that sort of comment must be a new fan. LYN: Probably, because… maybe some people don’t know what CMF is. It’s a small music festival that we’ve set up ourselves, but it’s just a livestream that uses music as the focus. It’s a band format, and free for everyone to watch. I was seeing people ask where they should go to reserve tickets for CMF4.0. There are no reservations. You just need to follow me on weibo. Follow my weibo and when CMF4.0 is coming up, it will notify you. 

C: Ning-ge, have you read any scripts lately? LYN: I haven’t been, but I plan to look them over in the next two days. I’ll take a look at them before going to sleep. There are a lot of projects that have come my way… and I need to look at them first. If I don’t like them, then I need to tell them in advance that I’m not suitable for their role. I should tell them, because it’s not good to just not give them a reply. So I’ll be looking at scripts in the next two days. LYN: Are there rumors about my projects going around again? I haven’t accepted anyl I’ve got nothing going on right now. We haven’t even been in contact with anyone. I already told you- this half of the year I’ve come back to being a singer. Also from filming wrap to today, I haven’t looked at any projects. I’ve read some character descriptions and story synopses, but not an actual script. I don’t have anyplans to pick something up, either. I’m really using the past six months as a break. Well, not exactly a break- I’m making progress as a singer. There are a bunch of things on the music side of my career that I have to take care of. 

LYN: The other day someday suggested I act in a double male lead, mystery/crime drama. That is… someone has to come find me to act in these dramas in the first place. I’m not that popular. But I saw something a friend of mine posted, which was nice. One day- I was wearing a suit to attend some event, and someone had gone online to post about who had also worn this suit before. It so happens that Huang Jingyu has also worn it before. So the OP commented that both of us were from Dandong and etc. and someone else made a comment on that post saying they’d like to see it if the two of us were to be in a crime drama together. Because HJY keeps playing these policeman-type roles. At the time I thought that was a creative idea. HJY can act as a cop and I’ll be the criminal. Right? We can be the “Dandong Peerless Duo”. X’D Just kidding. I just thought that idea was pretty interesting, if something were to play out like that. C: That won’t do. You should be the villain. LYN: I’ll be the bad guy. I want to play the bad guy. C: You can’t die. LYN: Friends, you have to remember something- the bad guy always gets punished in the end. The bad guy in a drama will always be punished for their actions. C: Then, Ning-ge, if you play a bad guy in the future could you be punished but end up in a coma instead? LYN: Isn’t that worse?? Don’t you think if in the end the bad guy falls into a coma, this situation… of course, it’s not impossible. But what would be the meaning of his life? He’s done bad things his whole life and he ends up in a coma- what would be the meaning in keeping him alive? Karmic retribution? No, right? I think this is actually not a great way to end things. C: At least you’re alive. LYN: That’s the wrong way to live. You want the villain to face retribution by making him barely living? 

C: KSTLB Season 3? LYN: KSTLB3 is in planning and should start recording next year. There should be a season 3, yes. The project is still ongoing, so… there should be a third season. We were just talking about this the other day, too. There’ll be a season 3 and we’ll just do it.

C: What’ll your next drama be? LYN: I haven’t accepted any projects yet. It hasn’t been decided. I already told you that I haven’t even been looking at scripts. I’m planning to take a look at them in the next two days. Originally I was planning to look at them today, if I hadn’t started streaming instead. But I figured I haven’t streamed in a long time, so I came. I can chat with you and stay here a while. It’s nice. 

LYN: Someone is saying that “Quan-meimei” is here? Welcome, welcome. She’s also very amazing, I met her last time at the Greater Bay Area event. Very cute and down-to-earth. Because- not being a singer, she still dared to sing live on such a big stage. As a singer, I approve of this approach. Because a lot of singers can’t even pull it off, but she did. It was really great. As a singer, I give you a thumbs up.

1:36:30 LYN: That day she also seemed to mention- can I say this?- that ZSX was so handsome. I felt it deeply as well. What happened was that I had sent ZSX a message, asking him where he was sitting because we hadn’t seen each other in a long time and I wanted to catch up. Then the stage was calling for us to prepare. At this moment, ZSX and I walked towards the backstage together from the break room- it was a whole group of artists walking together. There are also the teachers who give our awards to us, and dancers and staff all waiting to go up on stage. ZSX was walking in front, and all the other actors and teachers /turned their heads to watch him walk past/. “Wow, ZSX is so handsome! ZSX! He’s so handsome!!” They were all like that. And because I was walking behind him, I heard it all. Then, it’s my turn to walk past them. “Oh, Liu Yuning! How… tall.” /sigh/ LYN: I’m kidding! I mean- it actually happened, but I’m telling this to you as a funny story.  C: Your dignity! LYN: No, no, it’s true. Based on appearances, ZSX is very good looking. Very handsome. C: Good thing they didn’t say that your eyes were small. LYN: “Wow, Liu Yuning! His eyes… are so small.” /laughs/ IT’S NOT WORTH IT, IS IT?? It’s a nice and respectable big event, and it wouldn’t be worth it to deal me with a blow for no reason. C: He’s breaking down. LYN: I’m not. I already told you that my eyes are my sore spot. It’s a topic you can’t touch on. (心雨 - Heart Rain) C: I’ve actually heard this song! LYN: Why wouldn’t you have heard this song? This is a classic song from my mom and dad’s generation. There’s another song I really liked when I was little- is it called 在雨中 (In the Rain)? C: My mom really liked this song when I was little. She would make me sing the male parts while she sang the female parts.

C: We can sing it together. LYN: Do you know it? Let’s duet it, then. Let’s do something abstract and have an online-offline duet. I’ll sing a song with male-female duet- I’ll sing the male part online, and you can hold up your phones at home and help me sing the female parts. Let’s do it. A song that everyone knows. What male-female duets are there? 广岛之恋, 知心爱人, or 你最珍贵? 因为爱情. 相思风雨中. 纤夫的爱. 最炫民族- that doesn’t count as a love song that’s sung to one another. That’s more of a normal song with added rap. It’s a good old song. Old songs are classics. What else is there? 郎的诱惑? Um. Let’s do 知心爱人, okay? This song should work. 广岛之恋 would be ok, too. -- 广岛之恋 (Hiroshima, Mon Amour) LYN: How could you be typing “I don’t know this song” in the comments?? Are you sure you’re fans of a singer? Maybe you’re movie enthusiasts instead? C: I don’t know this one. Can we do a different song? LYN: Is the key too high? /sings some/ /confirm/ It’s high. C: I AM singing! LYN: See? There are fans who know this song. LYN: Then, how about 和心爱人? Most people should know this song, right? We’re doing “abstract.” You can record your part- ask your mom to help you record it. You should know this song, right? If you don’t then there are no more excuses. -- 知心爱人 (Intimate Lovers) LYN: ?!! (t/n: at the filter, I think? Or maybe the voice that started singing back at him when he stopped.) What is this?? This is weird. C: 恋爱画板 (Love Sketchpad) LYN: That song doesn’t work, because it wasn’t a duet originally but we forced it to become one. // Fine, let’s see if it’s doable. I’ll see if I have the arrangement. Hold on. // Oh, I do. Then, I will sing LYN’s part, and you all can sing DPN’s. -- 恋爱画板 (Love Sketchpad) [LYN: We can even do harmonies!] LYN: You sing so well! LYN: Hey- we can do this during my concert, too. I’ll find a song that we can sing to each other from on/off stage. That’d be fun.

C: Why are you drinking water with a wine glass? LYN: For the sense of ceremony. One must have some sense of ritual in life.

C: Lao-da, do you have some time to teach me about the meatball soup? LYN: The saying goes that in order to make a perfect bowl of beef meatball soup, then of course you cannot be without my instruction. Many of you are curious about how the beef meatball soup was made. Friends, start taking notes! If you would like to make the same style of meatball soup as Yuning- it feels like I’m selling you something. Do you want to make the same beef meatball soup as Yuning? Then, I will teach you right now, for free. First, you must go to the market to buy some beef. How much? Half a pound is good enough. 500 grams. You can have a mix of both fat and lean meat- just lean won’t do. You need some fat in there. When you’re buying the meat, ask the butcher to grind it for you and that way you won’t have to go home and chop it yourself. That’s what I learned from Chinese Restaurant. Don’t try to mince the meat yourself. Then- C: 500g is one pound. LYN: Oh, sorry! /laughs/ 250 grams. /thinking/ No, just buy a pound. Because I believe that you have a lot of people in your families, and for delicious food you can stand to buy a pound. /thinking again/ One pound is a little much, let’s do half. 250 grams. Sorry, I misspoke. // There are five people in your family? Then, buy a pound. If there are only two people, then buy 250 grams. // When we were cooking before, because there are a lot of people in our group, so we bought a larger quantity. Excuse me.  C: In my house 2lbs is 2000g. [t/n: ??] LYN: Amazing. So- 250g- half a pound of meat filling. What should you put in it? For starters you’ll need ginger- chop it into a paste and add it to the meat. Green onion as well. An appropriate amount- about a small handful of each of ginger and green onion. Add white pepper powder, salt, and chicken powder. Lastly, add an egg white. Stir evenly, and that’s enough. It’s actually very simple. Now the mix for the meatballs is done. C: How many grams of ginger? LYN: 40g of ginger, 50g of green onion, together with 250g of ground beef, and mix it. C: What if I don’t eat ginger or green onion? LYN: You actually can’t taste it in the meatball. But if you don’t have it, the flavor will differ a lot. You can chop it into finer pieces and when you cook it, you won’t be able to taste that there’s any ginger or green onion in it. So- you just mix it all together and it’s about done. You can also but some light soy in it, if you like, to enhance the flavor. Next, you boil the water. Add a little salt to the water- you can taste it. It’s better that it tastes salty, but don’t make it too salty because the meatballs themselves have salt in them. Make the paste into a ball with your hand and put them into the soup when the water is around 80°. How can you tell if the pot is hot enough? If there are bubbles around the edges but none in the middle, it’s 80°. Start putting in your meatballs and when that’s all done you can toss in some spinach. If you have dried shrimp at home. you can add some of those, too. Then, you can scoop some and eat.

C: Is 81° okay? LYN: That’s fine. 81° or 85° is okay. 90° and even 100° is fine. But if it’s boiling- stop teasing me. I’m telling you properly and here you are provoking me. Why can’t you use 100° water? Because the water is boiling, so if you put in the meat paste it doesn’t have time for the shape to set and will be broken apart by the water. It won’t be meatballs anymore. C: So we add cornstarch? LYN: No need. It’s… it’s not like we can’t afford to eat meat, so why would we need cornstarch (filler)? You don’t need it, just an egg white will do. C: No cooking wine? LYN: No need for cooking wine. C: What if they’re not round? LYN: If they’re not round, just practice more. C: I want to use 105° water. LYN: There’s no such thing, right? I think the boiling point of water is 100°. Maybe putting some salt in it would raise it one or two degrees but there’s no 105° water, right? 105° water…? Use whatever you want. I don’t have time to pay attention to you. XD

C: If I’m putting in dried shrimp (xia mi), can I put in Daimi? LYN: You-! What are you talking about??

LYN: How about this- when I hold my concerts I’ll have a little food stall set-up outside to sell my meatball soup. There’ll be a stall at the entrance and we’ll serve you some meatballs with little skewers and you can bring it into the venue to eat. Most artists go in the afternoon for rehearsals, but I’ll go to make meatball soup for you. I’ll make 18k servings or so. C: I’ll eat you poor. LYN: Oh- you’ll eat your fill of meatball soup until I’m poor? You… have to spend money to buy it, though. It’s not being served for free along with my concert. Have you never been to a concert? If not, you must have been to a theater, right? You go to a theater and have to buy the popcorn- You have to buy the popcorn. I’ve never heard of any theater owner being made poor because of it. You have to buy the popcorn, don’t you?? You’re charged for it! What do you mean you’ll eat until I’m poor? Did you think I would serve meatballs for free because you’ve come to watch my concert?? The meatballs will count as concert merch.

C: Why did Xiao Xiami go offline? LYN: Go ask the scriptwriter. Why are you asking me??

LYN: Friends, you can start using your 5yuan concert vouchers. I had a stream once where I told everyone who helped me get a trending topic that they could get a 5yuan voucher for my concert ticket. That when I had my concert in the future, they could use the voucher to offset the cost of 5yuan. It’s time for you to use it now. C: How do I use it? LYN: Buy the ticket at full price first, then at the venue you can show your ticket and voucher. My on-site staff with return you 5yuan in cash. C: Where can I get a voucher? // Can I exchange my voucher for meatballs? LYN: I don’t think I can afford to do that. C: Exchange my voucher for meatballs. LYN: You wish. It’s like when you have a restaurant voucher, and you go to the restaurant to eat. You can’t use the voucher on alcohol. I came from that industry, so I know. You can’t use vouchers on alcohol. My meatball soup counts as alcohol. You can redeem 5yuan from the cost of the concert ticket, but you can’t redeem it for alcohol. C: Can I exchange it for soybean oil? LYN: The soybean oil is a prize, so you can’t use it there. LYN: Your abacuses are sounding so loudly. (“You sure can calculate.”) It’s not possible, sorry.

C: Is Ding Chengxin handsome? LYN: ... ?__? LYN: Of course he is. Super handsome. LYN: It’s like this- it’s not that I /can’t/ answer, but many people always come into my stream and ask “Is 000 good/handsome/good-looking?” In the face of these types of questions, do you really think I have a different answer?? Do you think I have a second answer? I don’t. C: Can you get me Xiao Ding’s autograph? LYN: I can’t. You’re coming here to ask me for autographs now?? I have one from Liu Yuning, do you want it? Do you? Well, I won’t give it to you.

C: I don’t eat beef, could I have pork meatballs? LYN: You don’t see pork meatballs that often. It should be doable. I haven’t made them before, but I think I should be able to. Yeah, I can make you some. You can choose.

LYN: /sigh/ I don’t think my autographs are very welcome though, are they? Because every time one of my dramas is airing or I’m on some show, I feel like I sign a BUNCH for people! The drama crew asks for 80-100, and the program teams asks for 20-30. All I do is sign them! When they it to me, I look at them and think, “Wow, THIS many??” Everyone wants them. I have to sign them at programs, interviews, and for dramas. When I release a new song, I also have to sign them. LYN: Try not to buy them online, because from what I’ve seen most of them are fake. My autograph has changed a lot in the past few years. I didn’t have to sign so many before, so it was more complicated. Now I’m signing more, so it’s a lot simpler. I saw some people imitating my old autograph- those are all fake. Also, keep in mind, anything that comes out the same day- for example, if I go to participate in a weibo event today and there are autographs being sold by nightfall, those are all fake. Except for the official ones being sold on Weibo- those are real. Any autographs being sold anywhere else are all fake. That is- if a photo was taken during the day-of, and there are already autographs on those photos by night- those are definitely fake. There’s no way I would sign anything on the day of the event. My work habit is to- except for brand/endorsements, which I do day-of- I always sign and mail back the requested autographs later. Because of the day of the event, for example if I have a stage performance, I don’t want to do anything else. I’m afraid that I’d be distracted. So the signatures that come out immediately after an event are all fake, because I don’t do that. C: Are the ones on Taobao real? LYN: Of course not. Also- don’t buy them. They’re not worth anything. And what if one day you unstan me and try to sell them (but can’t)- how embarrassing would that be for me? I always see people unstan others and it looks a little cruel. Thankfully, if my fans unstan me there’s not much they can do away with. Because when I collaborate with brands it’s shampoo or face masks and they should’ve been used up already. I see other fans unstan people and have a stack of autographs, merch, cards, a crate full of magazines, etc and they’re trying hard to get rid of it for cheap. How embarrassing! So, don’t buy my autographs and save me the embarrassment of you having to sell them when you unstan me. I’m thankful I haven’t released any merch or done many magazine shoots, so you don’t have stock piling up in your house. I know you buy the ones that other fans have made, though. /sigh/

C: Can you wish me luck on my high school entrance exam? LYN: Good luck, and I hope you can get into a good school. 

- [t/n: ? some comment on something having sold over 9k copies? I’m not sure.] LYN: Just… don’t sell it for very expensive. I feel like if you think this is fun and want to play along with others and sell it for the basic cost of materials, that’s fine. But please try not to make and sell merch in order to make a profit. 

C: Is it really Liu Yuning streaming? LYN: ? Actors use body-doubles when acting, and you think streamers need body-doubles too? I’m fake. I’m not Liu Yuning. My name is Liu Yuzhou. I’m an AI.

C: Lao-da, are you in KSTLB3? LYN: I glanced over this and misread it as “Are you in the Sanxingdui?” and thought you wanted me to die. Sanxingdui (burial pits). Because “dui” and “tui” are very similar characters. LYN: I’m not at Sanxingdui.

C: Why did you take your glasses off? LYN: My head started hurting. LYN: Wait for me a sec, I’ll go grab some water from the fridge. I’ll play a video for you. LYN: /trying to pull something up/ I saw a cartoon the other day… Let me share it with you.

2:18:10 --- Break #2

LYN: Hold on, friends, they said- I saw that Tang Zhenchao (character: Zheng Zhiheng) and Kang Ju (actor: Yu Yonghai) are here, so I was wondering if I should open the mic to let them chat and say hello. Hold on, let me look at the software to see if I can open it up and let them chat.

- /connected!/ TZC: There are so many people! LYN: Hello, hello. TZC: Hello! YYH: Hello, everyone! TZC: There are so many people. It’s going to blow up in a minute! LYN: Let me introduce you- this is the actor Yu Yonghai who plays Kang Ju and Tang Zhenchao plays Zheng Wulang. I saw that they were both on, so thought it’d be nice for them to meet everyone. TZC: 30+ million people, wow. So lively. LYN: So what’s up? Where are the two of you? YYH: At home. Let me show you something- LYN: Show us something? What are you going to show us? YYH: I want to gift this to the Boss. /shows off a boat!/ LYN: Wow! Is that the Yan Merchant Ship? Did you put it together yourself? YYH: Yes, I put it together. Yan Family’s Merchant Ship. Let me put it back first, it’s too fragile. LYN: Wow. Thank you! You’re giving it to me? YYH: Yeah! LYN: Okay, don’t break it. XD YYH: I saw someone earlier ask by Xiao Xiami (Little Shrimp) went offline. He was turned into shrimp paste. TZC: /LOL!/ LYN: Hold on- they’re asking where your beard went. Mr. Kang looks very rugged in the drama but actually he’s a very young guy. YYH: I’m alright~ Everyone calls me Mother Kang. LYN: Why is that? YYH: Because in the drama I’m your father and your mother, and I ship you, and etc. I’m really grateful to the fans, really. LYN: Oh, okay. Then, what about Zhenchao- is there anything you want to say to everyone? (to the viewers) If you have any questions, you can ask him. TZC: Hello everyone, I’m Wulang. LYN: You all came so suddenly. I wasn’t expecting it, otherwise I would have prepared some questions to ask you on behalf of everyone. It’s a little sudden. TZC: I just got to Yangzhou, so- LYN: Everyone is saying that your character is too bad- do you have anything to say to that? TZC: My character isn’t bad! He’s a good guy! He gives Su Muzhe money, and spends a large amount of money alter to buy Zhenlang Pavillion, and he’s sincere towards Cui Shijiu. I think from my perspective, I’m a very good person! LYN: TZC acted very well, though. He acted out this character very well. I’m not evaluating his performance, just making a comment as a viewer. I have a few scenes with him- one or two maybe?- and I think that his acting is very good and accurate. He’s great, and I really like this character that he’s played. TZC: Thank you. YYH: I don’t think Ihave any scenes with TZH, do we? TZC: I don’t think we did. I only had that scene with Ning-ge about buying the red coral. I think that episode will come out in a couple of days. It’s so expensive, Master Yan. Your coral is so expensive! LYN: Yes- this scene is when your father first came to me but I turned him away, so you came later, right? TZC: Right. C: Who’s bird is chirping? TZC: It’s mine. Xiao You(?). LYN: Are you in Beijing? TZC: Yes, I’m in Beijing. LYN: Ok. I was thinking we could gather up those of us who are in Beijing and have a meal together or something. I was just telling Xiao Hai yesterday that we should meet up when I go back to Beijing. TZC: Okay, okay. Ning-ge, when are you coming back to Beijing? LYN: I’m in Beijing now. TZC: You are?! YYH: Ning-ge, you’re lying. LYN: Yeah, I just got back yesterday. YYH: Oh, is that so? LYN: I got back yesterday. Where was I yesterday? I was in Changsha, recording for a program. YYH: ZC already made plans with me- we’re going to check out Wenman Mall. TZC: /went to grab his bird/ We can go check out Panjiayuan Antique Market. LYN: That sounds fun. We can shop. LYN: Oh! What a nice bird! YYH: Did you buy this bird to… pet it? TZC: It hasn’t grown up yet. Say hello to everyone. LYN: You can tell that this group of people likes to play. // Can it talk? TZC: No, it can’t do anything. It only poops everywhere. LYN: That’s an impressive ability. YYH: Is it easy to raise? TZC: Very easy- LYN: It’s not Daimi barking- it’s a different dog. // Whose dog is it? Yours? TZC: Ah, yes. My dog. YYH: When we go out we can get your a birdcage. LYN: Bring your dog for us to look at. My stream loves to see small dogs.

TZC: Ok. Hold on a sec. LYN: Right- Kang Ju, we can go shop at the market some time. YYH: Sure. You have time in the next few days? TZC: It hasn’t been washed today, so we’re looking a little worse for wear. LYN: Why’s it look so dirty??? (😭) TZC: Looking a little sloppy… Let me block the private parts. LYN: It looks quite silly! TZC: Ok, next! LYN: /gasp!/ How fun, very cute! YYH: How many do you have? TZC: Another one. Ough- it’s kicking me. Look, look. Hurry! We’re going to debut! LYN: Oho~ What’s this one called? TZC: Bengbeng. It just jumps around every day. YYH: What breed is it? TZC: Maltese. LYN: Their eyes are scary. No- I mean they look like they have fear in their eyes. Malteses. TZC: Ok- we’ve debuted. // The parrot is on my phone- get off of there! My house is a zoo. LYN: Friends- you can pay more attention to and subscribe to Xiao Hai and Tang Zhenchao. They’re both very amazing actors. Very good. TZC: Thank you! LYN: Okay, well I’m in Beijing. The next time I have some time to stream, why don’t I invite you over to play? YYH: No problem. LYN: It’d be fun to stream together. Today was a little last-minuteYYH: All I see is comments asking me to get your autograph. LYN: That’s no good. I can’t help you there. YYH: Boss, can you give me one? I count as a transfer-fan. And, I can tell the viewers- LYN: Someone is asking TZC- Does Wulang really like Cui Shijiu? TZC: Wulang… yes- he really does like her. The plot will continue to become more an more exciting. I hope you all can continue to tune in for the Yangzhou story arc. LYN: Yes, in episode 20s we’ll move over into the Yangzhou story. YYH: We already have. LYN: XD I’m still watching. YYH: In the drama I’m rarely acting- what you see is my real feelings. Whatever feeling Ning-ge gives me, I express for you all to see. Really. LYN: Xiao Hao is really good, and takes care of me a lot since we’ve done the most scenes together. Not only does he take really good care of me in the drama as an aide, but also in real life he’s told me before, “Ning-ge, if there’s anything you need from me, call me and I’ll send it to you. If you’re not feeling well, I’ll come to take care of you.” It feels like he wants to be my assistant in real life. Very sincere. YHY: You’re not wrong. Ning-ge is the type of person who is very charming. It’s something you can feel after interacting with him. You’ll think, “I really like him.” Honestly. LYN: Yes, yes. It’s nice. TZC: /laughing/ LYN: Well, if you’re free in the next two days we can meet up and eat or shop. We can go to Wenwan Mall and shoot a vlog or something. It could be fun. Right? YYH: Sounds good. ^^b Panjiayuan! TZC: Ok, ok! LYN: Ok. Everyone please pay attention to the actors Yu Yonghai and Tang Zhenchao. They’re two very amazing actors and they play critical roles in ZLYM. There are more brilliant acting and story to come, so I hope you look forward to it. YYH/TZC: Thank you, everyone! LYN: I’ll remember to call you in the next stream. I’ll prepare some questions for you then and we’ll chat, because today was a little last-minute. YYH/TZC: Okay, okay. Thank you., Lao-da. LYN: Okay, okay! Bye bye. YYH/TZC: Bye bye.

LYN: It’s okay- it always lags a little after the connection is broken. It’ll be fine in a minute.

-----

LYN: Am I trending? Really? // I am. Thank you. I’m sure that it’s because of all of you watching, that I am able to have a trending topic. Thank you. I’m so boring; am I worthy of having a trending topic?? LYN: Wait- it’s positive, right? Not cursing at me? /looking it up/ Oh, “LYN_Livestream” - /reading the other trending topics for the fun of it/ C: Everyone who dares to curse at you have all been killed.

LYN: It’s not worth it. It’s all good. It’s better to be discussed, isn’t it? Otherwise, if you’re nothing, then no one will pay any attention to you. The truly sad thing is if no one is talking about you. Really. As an artist, if there isn’t anyone even willing to be your anti, that means you’ve gone “cold”.

C: Maybe you’re just strong-minded? LYN: I’m really not. You may think that I am, because I look like I would be. Since I’m on the older side, you might think, “Ning-ge is really strong.” But in fact I am not strong at all. I’m just pretending to be strong. /”cries”/ I’m just pretending to be strong and at night when I’m in a bad mood I also hide in my blankets to cry. LYN: I’m just pretending to be strong. LYN: But I do want to say that I know I tell you all not to mind those negative comments and you all come to tell me that as well, “Ning-ge, don’t mind those discrediting comments. You should find courage and stand up. Face it bravely.” etc. In order to comfort me. All of these new apps have algorithms that are just built like that. For example, if I click into an article criticizing Liu Yuning and stay on it for some time, it will keep sending me recommendations for articles of the same type. If the only thing you look at are articles promoting LYN, praising him as handsome and kind, then it will keep pushing you articles of the positive kind. That’s just the way algorithms work now, in this era of big data. It will send you related content based on your preferences. 

LYN:  just want to say that the friends who are out there working against the haters are all working very hard. They’re constantly looking at all of the negative content in order to report it, so that’s all they’re being recommended. It’s tortuous. It’s tiring work; even I could feel it. The other thing that touches me is that they’re looking at SO MUCH negative content about me- whether it’s made up out of nothing or insinuations- and they still choose to silently work for me. I’m really grateful to these friends. Thank you.

LYN: I saw a livestream on a different platform the other day… I forget what the account was, but I think it was a makeup artist (MUA). I think they claimed to be some drama crew’s MUA. But they were streaming and started on some really outrageous topics. I forgot what was said specifically, but they insinuated that I was a kept man by some da-jie. That there was some da-jie out there giving me projects, and that I was a kept man. It was truly ridiculous. Do you want to know to what degree? The first point is that they captured a very good angle- because from their level and culture you can tell that they can’t reach a very high position. If you really think about their claim to be some drama crew’s MUA, you can debunk that lie with one poke. From their words alone you can tell that they aren’t even someone from this industry. The second point is that as a drama crew’s MUA they said they’ve encountered many artists. There are a lot of people who make these claims, but the clever part is that they never indicate a person by name. They said, “There is this person who is very tall, who debuted as an internet-celebrity. They were a singer, and then later started acting.” How many people in this industry fit that description?? Other than “Liu Yuning”, I dare you to name one other person. Tall. Was a singer, now an actor. Debuted as an “internet-celebrity.” Besides LYN, name one other person. Then, in the comments people are posting “Liu Yuning. Liu Yuning. Liu Yuning.” because 1) this person must have back-up and 2) there are a bunch of fools who resonate with this group. So they purposely say, “Oh, don’t type any names into the chat. Yes- it’s that person, but don’t type their name.” And then, “Oh, he-” and then starts making up all sorts of dangerous rumors. They’re outrageous; extremely exaggerated. But it’s so outrageous that people believe it. C: Can you sue? LYN: I’m in the process of contacting the platform to see if they can do anything about the account. No rush. I’m working on it. Because there’s no actual evidence for a cause to sue, but I’m sure there are other means to make them… stop spreading nonsense. C: I saw some producers were praising you. LYN: Is that right? There are producers out there who praise me…? Um… Thank them!

C: Call me. I’l go kill them! LYN: “I’ll go kill whoever criticizes LYN!” OK? NO! This is wrong!! This a society that abides by the law. We must use legal means to exact prosecution. Next question.

C: Why did you suddenly start rapping? LYN: You must not follow my weibo. /referencing a meme/ The logic and stresses are the same. LYN: Sometimes I feel like just letting the antis slide and do what they want. I have nothing to prove, do I? When I first debuted many people thought I’d flop but I didn’t. Many people thought various things of me, but I’m still here. So what’s the problem? I’m acting- I’m still here. I still- /laughs/ When I first debuted, people thought I would be gone in three months, that I was riding a temporary wave of internet fame. They said a bunch of shit about me, but I didn’t try to prove myself because I knew that time would prove it for me. I never tried to explain anything and for all that I’ve had to go through, time will prove it for me. Many people look down on me and say that my acting is no good, my lines are no good, that I have an accent- but I’m still here and time will prove it. Do I need to prove myself?

-----

2:51:53 C: Change the song. LYN: Is this one too sad? Let’s find a happy one. C: Lao-da, I want to hear you sing 皇上吉祥 (Emperor’s Favour). LYN: /more memes/ That is… I’m a visual-streamer. I can’t sing. C: What is 皇上吉祥 (Emperor’s Favour)? LYN: :) This must be a new fan. You don’t know it? C: If I give you 1m, will you sing it? LYN: /laughs/ Throwing money at me?? You think if you throw 1m at me, I’ll sing for you? You… think too cheaply of me. Sing. I’ll sing. Because I know that there’s no way you’d actually give me 1m, so can’t you rise the price a little bit? To make it seem like I am more of value? For example, in the future you could throw 5m at me instead of 1m. Because I know that you won’t be giving me 1m or even 1k, but just name a higher price to make my market value higher. That way when I go out for jobs I can have a higher starting point. --  皇上吉祥 (Emperor’s Favour) LYN: This is the song. I sang it in a stream before and everyone seemed to love it. /sigh/ How is the music industry progress like this? C: The scale is grander. LYN: What do you mean? This is normal isn’t it? A scene from one of the dramas. “As long as you are willing to come, it is my compensation. If you don’t come, then it is my punishment.” 

C: I want to hear 紅塵客棧 (Hong Chen Inn). LYN: I might not be able to sing it today. I don’t know if the equipment will work out today. -- 紅塵客棧 (Hong Chen Inn) LYN: I haven’t eaten today. I don’t have enough strength.

C: How about one more? :) LYN: You- really know how to flatter. You’re the person at the bar I used to sing at who would say, “Another!” right after I finished a song. - /lags/ LYN: Eh! /taps the mic/ Why isn’t there anymore sound? Can you hear my voice? Why can’t I hear myself?? /adjusts/ Huh?!? I can’t hear myself anymore!! I really can’t hear; I’m not kidding. // My headphones aren’t broken. This was a problem from before I even started the stream. - /troubleshooting/ LYN: Oh, no. How did I manage to break the sound after singing this one song? - /more troubleshooting/ LYN: You can hear me, but I can’t. The playback is broken. // I know YOU can hear me… but I can’t even hear the music like this. Oh, well. Whatever. This happened before the stream started and I restarted and it was fine. LYN: Is it just me? Can you hear the song, friends. C: /confirm/ LYN: Ok, so you can hear the song. That’s fine. It’s probably something wrong with my sound card. // I’ll take my earpiece out, then. But the problem is... I can’t even hear myself. I’ll restart it and see if that will fix it. - /yet more troubleshooting/

C: Raffle it. LYN: I won’t be doing that. Let me see how long I’ve been streaming for- three hours. It’s enough. LYN: Oh- I want to know. If I restart my computer, will the stream break? The interface shouldn’t be interrupted, right? No, it’s okay. If it’s broken then this will count as me logging off for the night. If I restart and it breaks the connection, then I’ll stop streaming. Because the stream is on a different program, so… It’s okay. Three hours is enough. Let’s do this. If it interrupts the connection, then I want to wish every a relaxing, wonderful, and happy night. It was grea tto have you and I hope you had fun. Let’s meet again in the next stream. I you haven’t yet subscribed to my weibo, please do so. Now, I won’t close the stream but restart directly. The stream is running in the background, so it should be okay. Let me restart. Otherwise I won’t be able to keep streaming. I can’t stream if I can’t hear my own voice. I’m deaf right now. Let me restart it. Wait for me. Let’s pray that the connection isn’t lost, ok?

- /connection did not break!/ LYN: /laughs at himself/ Even if I wanted to be lazy (and stop streaming), I can’t. I was thinking of being lazy and- (ending the stream if it didn’t come back.) C: We watched ads to resurrect the stream. LYN: That’s possible. You watched ads and brought my stream back to life. But it’s true that my whole system has been lagging. It’s my computer- there’s too much on it. I haven’t cleaned it up in a long time. LYN: Let’s continue. LYN: Hold on- can you wait for me to return from the restroom? All this trouble has made me need to use the restroom. I’ll play a video.

3:12:21 --- Break #3 LYN: This is a problem- because the sound card I usually use is not this one but a different one. This one only costs a few hundred yuan. So that goes to show you that just because it’s cheap doesn’t mean it’s very good.

C: I saw Daimi. LYN: How?? (from the corner of the screen at 3:17:17)

-- 无心生大梦 (Unintentional Big Dream) [Fangs of Fortune OST] C: Sing this at your concert. LYN: No problem. I can sing it at my concert. I’ll put it in the setlist… because I was thinking that after singing this one (as the last song) I wouldn’t have to sing anymore. I must sing this at my concert, so you all could yell from offstage. 

C: 赤裸裸 (Naked) LYN: The problem with this one is that our version (of the track) iisn’t online. There’s only the video. Because this copyright doesn’t allow uploading of the audio file. So.. it’s not suitable.

LYN: Someone came into my stream to tell someone else to stop watching. Let them watch my stream, what’s wrong with that? What’ll happen to them if they DO watch? It’s okay. Let them watch. Don’t be stingy, ok? Are you her boyfriend? Don’t mind what she does so much. Give her some freedom. What’s wrong with watching a stream? Men should be more confident. As a man, don’t do it. Don’t put on that tortured and uncomfortable face when you see your girlfriend interacting with another man, telling her, “Stop looking! D:” Look. Watch a while. Okay? You can watch, too. Subscribe to my weibo. LYN: As your Ning-ge, I have to tell you- you must have a common interest with your girlfriend. If you have something in common you can talk about, then your relationship will last longer. If you talk AT each other but have nothing to say TO each other, then it’s all in vain. If you want to win this person’s heart, and she likes to watch LYN, then you should watch with her. You can do “archeology” together. You can listen to LYN’s songs with her, and watch LYN’s dramas with her. If you have common interests and you can talk about them in your daily life, that’s when you can develop your feelings for one another. I’m serious. If you want a girl to like you, then you have to find out what she likes. If she likes to watch LYN livestreams, then you should watch them too. Later you can say, “I watched LYN’s stream the other day, too! He was wearing a hat with a huge loose thread on it.” At this moment the girl will think “Wow, this man pays so much attention to detail. He even noticed the thread on LYN’s hat. This man must be attentive, and can take care of others if he can even see a loose thread.” Do you understand, bro? I taught you something.

C: I finally caught the real person livestreaming. LYN: Were you watching fake people streaming before? I’ve done brand streams before, and those were all the real me, too. I’m real. C: How can you prove that you’re the real Liu Yuning? LYN: /laughs/ I- I don’t need to prove it. You can believe it or not. Just treat this as watching a stranger. That’s fine, too.

-- 你敢吗 (Do You Dare?) [C-Variety Melody Journey OST] - /? minor technical difficulty, where everything went silent but he got it back/ C: I don’t understand anything. LYN: Just get hyped up and that’s all. // I don’t know what the sound ratio sounds like- let me listen. Hold on. I’m going to log on to weibo (on his phone) and have a listen. LYN: It’s fine. The ratio is good. It’s just that sometimes when I stream- including the last Carnation Music Festival- the ratio wasn’t very good. The track was playing at too low of a volume so my vocals were too prominent. That made the audio-visual experience not very enjoyable. LYN: Let me adjust the sound settings. Wait for me a minute. - /adjusting sound settings/ LYN: I’ll play with you a while longer, though.

C: Change your sound card in time for CMF4.0. LYN: You’re quite demanding. Someone wants me to change the sound card and also clean up my computer in time for the next CMF. Rest assured. I’ll do my best to make no mistakes. I’ll do my best. Don’t worry. 

C: 努力的人 (Hardworking People) LYN: ~ Do you want to hear it? If you do, then I’ll sing a bit. ~ /talking to himself/ I need the arrangement… /referencing a meme/ It’s also my dream. C: 偷心 (Stolen Heart) LYN: I haven’t copied the arrangement for these songs onto my computer yet. When I have time I’ll have them copied to my computer and sing them for you. I’ll sing all the songs that I’ve been performing lately. 

C: 阿楚姑娘 (That Girl, Ah Chu) LYN: 阿楚姑娘 is a duet; I can’t do the key. LYN: I’m taking notes. Don’t worry!

C: 清花 (Blue and White) LYN: /sings (?) it/ -- 清花 (Blue and White)LYN: Hold on- I haven’t adjusted this. I was getting too excited myself, and I forgot. Sorry. The stream lagged. Pretend just now didn’t happen. -- 清花 (Blue and White) (for real, this time)

C: 惟愿 (Only Wish) // 每当我 (Keep It Up) C: Pinched tone. LYN: I’m only singing it that way because it gives the song more flavor. Did I “pinch”? I didn’t, did I? It just gives the song more feel, that way. C: Nasal tone. LYN: /with a nasal tone/ No! I didn’t use a nasal tone. C: 凡人歌 (Song of Mortals) // 世世 (Lifetime) // 麒麟 (Qilin) // 天下 (The World) LYN: Whoever requests “The World” will be kicked out. You must be doing this on purpose!

LYN: Oh- there’s this amazing thing now. Do you remember when I went to record for a show- The Truth- and we sang “Meteor Shower”, do you remember? Bai Yu and I, and Zhou Keyu, and them- we sang “Meteor Shower” from Meteor Garden. Usually when we’re doing something like this the program team will send out a demo, letting us know who has which lines. When I received the demo I listened to it and was shocked- I was thinking, “Who is imitating me? It’s so similar!” It was 90% synced to how I would sing it. And this “person” could imitate BY, ZKY, and ZLH, and the RB and JJ as well. I was wondering, “Who is it that’s so amazing??” I looked back and studied it- it was AI. I was shocked. AI can sing to the point where you can’t even tell if it’s sung by a human or an AI. That was too awesome. AI technology is too amazing. Even I, myself, thought it sounded so much like me. LYN: It’s true! And it sounded very much like the others, too! It extracts the characteristics of your voice and gives you a track. It’s possible that someone sings it to begin with, and it’s edited based on your tone. I also herald that you can use this technology to dub movies and dramas. They can install your sound and tone, and find a voice actor to “say” the lines for you. It’s your voice, but using the foundation and skills of the voice actor and changed with AI. LYN: Actually, this is normal, because it’s just like the voice selection on a navigation system. For those, they make you record a bunch of set lines. For example, “Tonight” “8 in the morning” “I got off work”, etc. You just need to record some and it will supply your voice for “Right turn ahead” and “Be aware of the red light coming up.” It’s a little like that. So the development of AI really makes you wonder.

C: Then, would you lose your job. LYN: Yeah. It’s entirely possible. Why wouldn’t it be? Everyone in this industry can be replaced. C: Even normal people will be replaced. LYN: No matter who you are- everyone will. Remember this phrase: The Earth will still turn with or without you. You think you’re special/unique/eye-catching/dazzling, but you’re not. Everyone can be replaced.

C: Are you a real person? LYN: Right now, actually AI is supplying all of these replies. The current broadcast is AI-generated. You think it’s me, but actually I’ve recorded it long ago. Depending on what the comments say, I can automatically pull up a pre-recorded answer from the database. LYN: (back to normal) Oh- it lagged a little, just now. 

LYN: I don’t really have anything going on today, so I just wanted to come to stream for the fun of it. Initially I had wanted to take a look at scripts, but decided to stream instead. Why? Because when my dramas are airing, I know that my fans are very tired. My fans always say that they look forward to my dramas airing, but when they actually are airing, we all know who’s tired and in pain. Including all the friends who help to promote me- I know that they all work very hard. As soon as my drama is airing, I end up on all sorts of polls and lists and they rally up votes for me. I know everyone works hard when my dramas air. So I will also do my best to give you a little reciprocation. Even though it’s a very average way of reciprocation, it’s all that I can do. So as long as I can do it, I will choose to chat with you. I had intended on stopping, earlier, but you all were asking me not to so I stayed. Honestly, that made me happy too. CMF4.0 which will happen later is also a way to repay you for the happiness and pain that the drama broadcast range brings to us. Painful happiness. Happy yet painful. LYN: /made him think of a song/ Wait- what song is that?

C: 努力的人 (Hardworking People) LYN: I’ll sing it for you next time. I’ll probably sing it during CMF4.0. If you want, I can sing a different song.

LYN: What other songs have I released lately? There are a lot. -- 掉 (Falling) C: 武家坡 -- 武家坡2021 (Wu Jia Po) LYN: ?? What sort of arrangement is this?? Forget it.

LYN: Oh- I heard a nice song the other day. What was it called? Let me see… I looked it up especially. It’s called 谦让 Qian Rang), have you heard it? I’m sure you’ve heard it, but just don’t know the song title. -- 谦让 (Qian Rang) by Wang Jingwen C: I haven’t heard it before. LYN: I’m sure you’ve heard the chorus. It was quite popular a while ago. - /continues playing the song/

LYN: There was a song that I liked VERY much, and I even asked the writer for a song. But they didn’t give it to me. I contacted the program team and a lot of different people in order to add the songwriter’s WeChat and told them that I was working on my album, and to ask if they had any songs for me? And they replied that they didn’t have any. :( Angry. LYN: No, just kidding. They didn’t have any at the moment, but let me know that if I wanted one they could write one for me. LYN: I really like this song, lately. It’s so nice! Let me share it with you. If they had given it to me, I would have definitely put it in my album, although it’s not widely circulated. No, it’s very popular! I’m sorry!! Many people may not have heard this song, but it’s very nice. It’s a collaboration between Galaxy Express and Men Ni. I asked Men Ni if he had a song he could give me, and he said, “Ge, I don’t. I’ll make one for you!” -- 抑人 (e) by Galaxy Express & MONEY (门尼 - Men Ni) LYN: This is a really great song. I liked it as soon as I heard it. So… I listen to it a lot. Sometimes when I’m getting my makeup done, I’ll listen to this song.

LYN: There’s another one I like recently- I don’t know if it’s a new song? It’s one of Hu Yanbin-laoshi’s. I recommend it to everyone. It’s nice. I don’t know if it’s new? What’s it called- let me see… LYN: “The use of this track for covers without permission is prohibited.” I’m not covering it- I’m just humming! I’m not using it for commercial use. I’m not making any money; the livestream is free!! I’m just humming it a little!! -- 我们还会一起走到那里去吗 (Will We Still Go There Together?) by Hu Yanbin

LYN: Oh- am I at 50m viewers? Thank you, everyone. This song is nice, isn’t it? Thank you~ And people are still coming in? That’s okay. If you haven’t yet subscribed to my weibo, please do so. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning. Next I have this nice song, as a gift to everyone- Of course, I need to reiterate, that the way I sing during my streams is not reflective of my market value, okay? I usually sing in my livestreams for fun. Please don’t pull out of any of our commissions.

-- 当遇见你 (The Moment I Met You) [Skate Into Love OST]

C: Ning-ge, how would students attend your concert? LYN: I don’t get what you mean. Did you want a discount, by presenting your student ID? There is no student pricing. The prices are all normal prices. I don’t know. You can not go yet, and come when you’ve entered society and are making money and have enough to support yourself. You can come, then. There’s no need to force yourself and make yourself starve to afford a ticket. If you’re thinking of skipping a few meals so that you can afford to buy a ticket, don’t do it. I’m not worth it. C: I’m a student, send me a ticket. LYN: No way.

C: I want to watch your concert, but I’m only 11. LYN: Why can’t you watch when you’re 11? Bring your mom and dad along. LYN: ! If I tell a minor to ask their parents to bring them to my concert, would that be considered as inducing minors to spend money? Would I be suspect of doing that? … Pretend I didn’t say anything. This is terrifying. LYN: Because a lot of kids come with their parents, but of course you cannot come alone, right? There’s the need to take a car, etc. It’s too dangerous. If your parents support you, you can come to watch my concert with your parents, ok? C: My daughter is 11 and I’ll take her. LYN: Ok, bring her along. LYN: I want to sing another song. I don’t think I’ve sung it before. -- 她来听我的演唱会 (She Came to My Concert) LYN: This accompaniment is too romantic. It’s a little too romantic.

LYN: I’d like to thank all the people who are coming to my concert, and I hope you don’t trick me. Because you always tell me that you look forward to it, so I don’t want the time to come around but I end up not being able to sell tickets. That’d be really awkward. I hope you can all support.

C: Trending at #7. LYN: Really? Why do I just not believe you?? LYN: “LYN Accepts All Criticism”. Have I said that I would? Huh? Let me take a look at what’s inside the topic. /plays the clip/ !! Oh, it was today’s stream; I JUST finished saying that! Oh... so I guess I did say it. Of course, that’s what I DO think, but I don’t remember saying it. Because usually I wouldn’t make such deliberate comments. But I was indeed particularly deliberate today. XD LYN: Whatever. It’s not important, anymore. Excuse me. I’m guessing that was the AI talking and when I came online I forgot to fix the settings- no, I’m joking! I do accept all criticisms. Yes, that’s correct. I accept them, I do. Of course I accept all criticism. I do. Criticize me, then. C: Normal people say that they would accept all criticism but abnormal people don’t have to accept it. LYN: Everyone is open to it (criticism). Go ahead, say it. I’ll acccept it all.

LYN: ! I was wondering why there were so many people squeezing in the watch the stream. It’s mountains and seas of people, in here. It turns out that I have a trending topic at No.18 “Quan Hongchan is also watching LYN’s livestream.” Thank you! Thank you, Quan-meimei. Sorry for taking advantage of your popularity. Thank you. LYN: Traditionally speaking when there’s a bunch of people flowing into the stream I will sing you all a nice song. As a gift to everyone who has just come into my stream; for all the newly arrived family members. 

LYN: I saw a comment the other day that read, “LYN’s new drama is airing, but I don’t know why I can’t stand to watch his dramas. Because he streams every day and thanks his fans like “lao-tie/666” but it feels like I can’t separate him from the character.” First of all, you’re off course because I don’t say “lao-tie/666” nor do I stream every day. I know what you’re trying to say, very clearly. You want to make it out to say that as an artist, I shouldn’t be appearing in front of the public too often. That actors and artists shouldn’t be on so many variety shows, otherwise it’ll affect how they are perceived. I know what they’re trying to get at, which is that I stream too often and therefore they can’t stand watching when I act. I’ve long thought of this, my friends. That’s why when I stream I don’t speak Standard Mandarin. And I’ve never called anyone “lao-tie/666” in my stream. Thank you, lao-tie. Thank you jiaren-men. So the next time want to attack me with this, try to be a little more accurate and maybe you’ll do some damage. It’s not really effective this time around. LYN: When I stream I try to keep the mood lively so that you don’t think of me as the characters I am acting as. You’ll never think of us as the same person because the tone and accent is different. This is why I never speak Mandarin during streams. I don’t want you to associate me with the roles I’ve played. LYN: I’m a thousands of years old fox, don’t try to play games with me. Got it? Now shut your mouth. 

C: Ning-ge, can you sing a Cantonese song? LYN: No problem! Let’s do a Cantonese song. Which one…? My Cantonese isn’t very standard. So friends, listen for entertainment. -- 友情岁月 (Years of Friendship)

C: How about an English song? LYN: :) You- English… I do know a few. But.. I don’t have the track. I wanted to sing “Fly Me to the Moon” for everyone. “Cry On My Shoulder”… how about “You Raise Me Up”? If there are any friends who are good at English, please don’t make fun of me after finding out my real English proficiency. Okay? Don’t make fun of me. Thank you. C: If you sing it, it’ll sound like you know it more than you do when you’re just reading it.  -- You Raise Me Up (???) LYN: ! There’s another part?? It’s enough; I can’t sing anymore. Ok. English is completed.

C: Korean. LYN: You all know I only know the one Korean song. C: Kharosthi LYN: 去你的, Khaorsthi??? LYN: Actually I used to know a lot of Korean songs, but I forgot them all. -- If You LYN: Eh? Eh? What do you think? I made it through, right? C: Why is it this song again? LYN: /defeated/ I actually know a lot of BigBang songs. Back then I learned a lot of them. -- Fantastic Baby C: You only know a few lines from each. LYN: No, I used to be able to sing a whole section but I kind of forgot. Rather, it’s been so long since I’ve sung it. In the early streaming days I would always sing these songs.

C: Trending Topic at No 2. LYN: Is it still the same topic from before? “LYN admits”- no, “LYN accepts all criticisms”- is it still that one? // It is. That’s right. But you haven’t really come to my stream to criticize me, have you? I know I’ve said that I’ll accept any and all criticism, but is the topic only so high on the list because people have actually come in to start criticizing me? You’re like my mother. If I tell my mom I want to eat stir-fried pork with garlic then she’ll make enough for me to eat the whole day. Or for the whole week. You can criticize me, but try to make more friendly and civilized comments instead. I mean, you can be critical, but don’t go overboard with it. Based on the popularity of the stream/topic right now, I’m guessing everyone came to criticize me. Don’t try to one-up each other with it, though.

C: I want to hear something in Thai. LYN: [???] C: That’s Hindi. LYN: Oh, sorry! I accept all criticism. If you say that’s an Indian song, then it must be. I accept all criticism.

C: Hokkein. LYN: I sang one before- 无言花 (Silent Flower). I’ll sing this one first, then find another one. -- 无言花 (Silent Flower) LYN: I saw a comment that started “As someone from Chaoshan-” but I didn’t see the rest. What’s wrong? Did I not sing satisfactorily? I used to know- 愛拼才會贏 (Fight to Win). Is 世界第一等 (World’s First Class) also Hokkein? -- 世界第一等 (World’s First Class) LYN: ? Is this the Cantonese version? Is this Cantonese or Hokkein?? Where’s this song from? Is it Cantonese? It’s Hokkein? LYN: Forget it. Sorry! The Hokkein segment can come to an end. I only know a few songs- I only know the one and I sang it.

C: 越來越. LYN: ? Isn’t that the song XZQ sang on the show? (Melody Journey)

- /his topic has made it to No.1/ LYN: The person who thought of this topic really has a brain for marketing. Because even people who don’t know what’s going on would read this topic, think that something IS going on, and click inside to find out more. “What happened to LYN? What bad things did he do that would make him say he accepts all criticism??” They’d be really curious to find out what’s going on. Everyone wants in on this. So they’d come in, only to find out that I said I’d accept all criticism in my stream in regard to the dramas I’ve acted in. They’d think it was a waste of their time and curse me a little on their way out, but otherwise that’s how the topic is becoming popular. LYN: Oh- I don’t think I’ve had this experience before, have I? Having a topic at No. 1 while I’m streaming at the same time? I think the closest I got was No. 2 while I was streaming- that time when Jing Tian came to visit. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a topic to No. 1 while I am still streaming. Have I? I don’t believe I have… LYN: There are a lot of people who may be watching right now who aren’t my fan and are just passing through. If you’d like, you can subscribe to my weibo. Thank you. When you have free time you can come to watch me stream and gain a little happiness. Please subscribe. Thank you;; This next song- friends, don’t be picky- this next song is especially for those who are coming to my stream for the first time today, whether that’s because you just stumbled in or because you came here because of the trending topic. This song is for you. -- 朋友 (Friends) LYN: I take this opportunity to sing this song for all of you who are coming to my stream for the first time. If you aren’t following me, please do so. Thank you, everyone. From today forward, we will know and come to know one another. In the future, it’s possible that you may end up becoming my fan. You never know. So this song “Friends” is a gift for you, and I hope you continue with me on this road. LYN: /pause/ Friends, sing for me for a bit while I go grab some water. I’ll leave the microphone to you- you can sing it yourself. I’ll go get water. I’m dying of thirst. C: I don’t know the lyrics. LYN: You don’t? But you can hum along, can’t you?? There’s no “can or can’t” about it- it’s not like you’re a celebrity. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. If you can’t sing along, you can hum too! LYN: Wait for me a sec while I use the restroom, ok? I’ll play a video.

4:57:23 -- Break #4

C: I can’t do it any longer, I want to sleep. LYN: It’s not even 11p yet and you want to sleep? Are you sure you’re a young person?? Are you a young person? LYN: Of course, I want to say- If you want to sleep you should, because sleeping early and waking early is a very goof and healthy habit to have. I know many of you need to go to work or school tomorrow as well. If you need to go rest, then you should. Go to sleep. And next time, when you’re sleepy and you feel like leaving the stream, you can just go quietly. You don’t need to notify me; it makes me sad. This example might be a little exaggerated, but it’s like when you’re at a table having a meal with a group of friends and everyone is chatting and having fun, but you’re sitting at the edge- /looking unhappy/ “Can I leave yet? I’m done eating, so I want to leave.” “Well- you guys have fun. I’m leaving first.” “I’m too tired. I’m going to leave first.” That’s you. LYN: I’m just joking. Everyone knows this is how I am when I stream. But you go, go to sleep. /whispers/ Friends- when this person goes to sleep, I’ll tell you some HUGE gossip from the entertainment industry. Let me tell you, if you’re not part of this industry, there’s no way you would hear about it otherwise. When this friend goes to sleep I’ll tell you a big, top secret, thing happening in the industry. /normal/ But you sleep! Goodnight! Bye bye!! LYN: Are they gone yet? If they’re gone, then I’ll tell you. C: They’re gone. Tell us, tell us. LYN: I’ve decided to leave this matter until I’m 60, that is- when I’m about to retire from the industry- and I’ll tell you all about it. I won’t tell you today because I still have to exist/linger in the industry today.

C: When you’re 60 you can play the male lead’s dad. LYN: There’s no need. I don’t necessarily keep at this until I’m 60. I think it’d be about time (for me to retire). There’s no need. There are lots of other things I should be doing at 60. C: Even when you’re 80 you still have to stream. LYN: … Do I OWE you?? I have to come stream when I’m an 80 year old man?? “Welcome all the old ladies to my livestream. Today I’m bringing to you some elderly care products- they’re especially good for cataracts/liver disease/etc.” “Three generations of my family have specialized in eye disease.” C: Then, sell caskets. LYN: /LOL/ You want me to come sell caskets when I’m 80?!? That’s outrageous! Because when I’m 80, my fans are a little older or a little younger than me, but we’re all close to 100- so it’s the prime time for selling caskets?? You’re a business genius!! I’ll sell inlaid boxes instead of caskets! Red mushrooms (?) and pearls inlays and the like! I’ll sell burial plots- no, just kidding- those aren’t mine. Completely handmade boxes seems like a good idea. You can get a discount on 11/11, too. Wow- what a new venture. When I’m 80 I can start selling… caskets! Wow. C: Can you say something nicer? This is inauspicious. LYN: I’d be eighty! What more auspiciousness could I need?? I think it’d already be a fortune if I were able to live until I’m 80 in the first place. What more could you wish for at that age? C: Ning-ge, when you’re 80 I’ll be 100. LYN: That means you’re older than me by 20 years? Ok, no problem. Let’s meet again when I’m 80 and you’re 100. I’m sure we can make it happen. C: Autograph the casket. LYN: /laughs/ OK! When I’m selling caskets at 80, I’ll dedicate them to you! On each of the boxes I’ll sign “To: ___”! I’ll write “Wishing you a long life! To: ____. - LYN.” Well, I don’t think “Wishing you a long life” will work, because that madam earlier just said that when I’m 80 she’d be 100, so if I write that on her casket (lit. “long life, 100 years”) it will seem like I’m cursing her. How about “Long life, 150 years”?? How is that? That’s fine, right? OMG… I’m reduced to selling caskets AND I need to sign them too?? C: Ning-ge, when you’re 80 I’ll be 50. LYN: ?_? They’re 50 when I’m 80, which means they are younger than me by 30 years… ??? LYN: This person is provoking me. Kick them out. C: Can I give you a deposit? LYN: Are you afraid that when the time comes you won’t be able to get one?? Are my caskets limited in number? I’m only selling 9,999 of them? You’ll give us a deposit first, and each casket will be numbered “0001, 0002, 0003, …” and you want to pick one with a good number, is that right? Wouldn’t that be really weird, to ask for a deposit first so that you can select your number and we’ll make a record of it?? C: The more you talk about it, the more sense it makes. LYN: Really, though. The more we discuss the more feasible it seems. LYN: I’m JOKING, though. We’re having fun chatting with everyone. Have a good laugh, then let it all pass. C: Can I buy one next to you? LYN: 🤨 Do we need to discuss in such detail? The feeling that you’re giving me now is that you won’t let me go, even in death. “Even if I’m a ghost, I won’t let you go!” It’s feeling a little like that! You even want to be buried next to me??? I don’t think there’s a need for that. D: LYN: Let’s change the topic! We can’t keep getting deeper into the current one.

C: Can we see Daimi? LYN: Yeah. We took her to get washed today, too. LYN: /to Daimi/ Say hello to all the uncles and aunties. LYN: /smells her/ Why does she still smell?? D: Did you poop on yourself?? LYN: /to Daimi/ Look at the screen, why are you looking at me? C: Does Daimi watch ZLYM? LYN: Yes. I’ll have her with me when I watch it. So that she can… learn something. - /can’t keep her, so he lets her go/

C: You’ve been streaming for five hours… LYN: No way! Oh, I have? How long have I been streaming for? Has anyone been keeping track? Has it been five hours? 5+ hours?? LYN: Uh… it’s about time, then. Because the system restarted in the middle, so my mind reset as well. I didn’t realize it’s been so long. I started at 6p. /sigh/ Friends. How many artists would be willing to spend time- five hours- to come chat with you? Friends, I did my best. C: Log off when it hits 60m (viewers). LYN: What’s it at now? Ok, soon.

C: Why don’t you sing a song? LYN: I do have stage performances coming up. Let me see… I’ll sing this! Is it ok? It’s called 你说爱情啊, and it’s a song I like a lot. It’s also the OST for the drama Young and Beautiful. -- 你说爱情啊 (You Say Love)

C: What will tonight’s goodnight song be? LYN: Look at how I’ve spoiled you! You even need a goodnight song when watching a livestream?? Do I OWE you??? It’ll be this! I hope you all have SWEET DREAMS! HAVE A GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP!! -- 无心生大梦 (Unintentional Big Dream) LYN: How’s that? I’m sure you’d be able to sleep now. You can sleep now, right? There’s also this- -- Faded LYN: On this wonderful night, I’ll gift this pleasant DJ song for you all~ When I say “1, 2, 3, 4” everybody dance with me, ok?? Are you ready?! One, two, three, go! 

LYN: Goodnight, everyone. I hope you can have a good night’s sleep. You’ve just heard two goodnight songs, so I’m sure everyone can relax and let go of what’s on your minds so you can have sweet dreams. I hope you had a relaxing, wonderful, and entertaining night. It was great to have you and I hope you had fun. If you haven’t yet subscribed to my weibo, please do so. Let’s meet again in the next stream. Goodnight, everyone.

[pukad0n]

(really fuckin long vent post about my mom’s healthcare)

i’m like at the end of my rope with this one call nurse/caseworker of my mom’s

she got shoved into our life around the time my mom ended up in the hospital due to her cellulitis infection making her blood pressure bottom out and making her kidney function tank.

after her infection cleared up, her kidney function started to go back up again. it’s still on the lower end, but not near Absolute Failure/Needing Dialysis.

this woman is blowing up her phone less than two days after she gets out of the hospital when we’re both still reeling from the entire situation, and when she doesn’t pick up (because She Is Resting because she got No Sleep in the multiple days she was in the hospital), she starts ringing MY phone, (this becomes a recurring thing with her. even for just normal check-ins.) and when I pick up I tell her my mom is asleep, and she just starts bombarding me with all of this information about dialysis and how she should get surgery done to get a dialysis port put in (when at this point her kidneys are already doing better)

starts telling me about how dialysis can be done at home! and i’m like “we can’t do that at home.” instead of just being like “ok, that’s fine, there’s dialysis clinics near you”, she goes “…well *why*?”

what the fuck do you mean “why”, how is that any of your business. we say we can’t, that should be the end of it. but on the spot i tell her “we don’t have the space for that kind of equipment” which is PART of the truth. the other part is i’m not fucking comfortable doing something like dialysis on my own mother multiple times a day from our house. and i’m sure she doesn’t want to do it on herself either. the way she was talking to me made it sound like dialysis was not a possibility for her but that it was Inevitable. (We’re over two months out since the hospital stay and her kidneys have been doing better since.)

so i already didn’t like her from the start, my moms still giving her the benefit of the doubt at this point.

THEN she decides she wants my mom to record her weight and blood pressure every day from home. okay. but then she’s like “we can set up an appointment to have someone come help you set it up :)” it’s literally a smartphone app. like. hi. did you forget i live with her. do you think im so incompetent that i dont know how to connect a bluetooth kitchen scale to an app. why do we need a stranger coming into our house for something like that.

THEN later on she starts trying to push my mom into getting a home care nurse. this is something she VEHEMENTLY does not want, and says no multiple times. i also corroborate this, that she does not want or need this type of care at this time, because she doesn’t live by herself.

apparently this morning my mom got a call from a home care facility telling her to call them back to set up an appointment with them. I’m fucking sorry?????

this is the last straw for me. this is a fucking egregious overstepping of boundaries and it’s honestly getting extremely creepy how adamant this woman is about getting random people into our house.

does she really think i’m so incompetent that i won’t get her help if i think something’s wrong with her? why is she treating my mother like some dementia-addled senior that can’t make her own decisions? it’s not like she’s denying the care while i want her to get it. i don’t want some stranger coming into our house either when she’s capable of going to an actual medical setting for any sort of care she needs.

i texted my mom telling her she should call the hospital or whoever’s in charge of this whole thing to tell them that we want a different caseworker. she said she wants to just talk to her at her appointment on thursday (which i’m SURE she’ll be at, she acts like my moms her only fucking patient with how far up her ass she is) and i’m just like. oh yay so i get to have to deal with all of this face to face where i very may well end up losing my temper. cool cool cool.

[shaftking]

>It will never not baffle me how hard society tries to insist that fatness is an abnormality.

It is abnormal. The human body was never meant to be obese. It was never meant to carry massive amounts of excess weight, much less upwards of a hundred extra pounds of it. It’s not insisting on something completely outlandish, it is a simple observation. No one was meant to be 300+ lbs. No one.

>The average western woman wears plus size clothing. One of the smallest garments on the scale is called a medium.

Just because the average person is overweight or obese does not mean that being overweight or obese is normal. The fact that people are considerably larger on average than they were only fourty years ago should tell you something. The general population has gotten more obese since the 1980s. Pointing to clothing sizes does not actually refute the argument that the growing number of obese people is a concern. Especially with the rise of vanity sizing, where clothing sizes today are equal in measure to much larger labeled sizes in past decades.

>Most people with anorexia are in the overweight bmi category, yet somehow that's known as "atypical anorexia".

Most people with anorexia are not overweight. One of the literal criteria for anorexia is a low body weight and a fear of gaining weight. Because when you are starving you lose weight. Shocking. Atypical anorexia is called atypical because while it lacks the underweight requirement, the patient still has experienced rapid weight loss as a result of severe food restriction.

This is really such an insane thing to lie about that is easily disproven by common knowledge or simple google search of the conditions diagnostic criteria.

If you really gave a fuck about people with EDs you would stop trying to coopt the struggles of people with anorexia and destigmatize getting help for people with BED, NES, and EDNOS which are far more common and far more likely to effect overweight and obese individuals than AN or BN.

>Fatness is often labeled the cause of a number of diseases, but there are literally no diseases exclusive to fat bodies.

Because it is. Being obese can cause motor issues in the joints as a direct result of the excess weight. It can cause fatty heart and fatty liver. It can causes hormonal problems because visceral fat is hormonally active. It results in an increased risk of heart disease and diabetes. It increases one’s risk of multiple types of cancers, including reproductive cancers.

This is literally like saying that people should just continue to smoke cigarettes because people who don’t smoke also get lung cancer. We know people who don’t smoke get lung cancer, but the risk is much higher and people who otherwise would not have gotten lung cancer are 15 to 30 times more likely to get it if they are smokers.

>Looking at movies and television, you'd think the world was 98% thin people. It's not.

I hate the use of obfuscated terms like thin and fat in these conversations because it’s entirely subjective. This is why fat activists hate terms like obese and morbidity obese, because they can actually be measured and defined. What is considered fat or thin in one culture, community, group, etc could easily be vastly different from another. Like someone could be considered hugely fat while they live in LA but move to Georgia and be considered very thin. The same for western vs Asian countries.

According to the WHO, adult overweight and obesity has risen from 25% in 1990 to 43% in 2022. Nearly doubled. Meaning, no, the “thin” population is not 98%, but 57%. But that’s not a diversity win, that is a huge cause for concern.

It will never not baffle me how hard society tries to insist that fatness is an abnormality. The average western woman wears plus size clothing. One of the smallest garments on the scale is called a medium. Most people with anorexia are in the overweight bmi category, yet somehow that's known as "atypical anorexia". Fatness is often labeled the cause of a number of diseases, but there are literally no diseases exclusive to fat bodies. Looking at movies and television, you'd think the world was 98% thin people. It's not.

My point isn't that if it was pretty rare to be fat, fatphobia would be okay. Of course not.

My point is that we're surrounded by all these artificial indicators that fatness is unnatural and uncommon and it's just not true?? Humans are not always thin and we've never all been thin and we're not all meant to be thin. Fat humans are a normal type of human. Fatness is a feature, not a bug.

[chayatorns]

—

It’s one of those days where I wanna shout into the void that I’m not doing well… I stayed longer in Türkiye because my grandmother wasn’t doing well. She kept losing weight and didn’t have any appetite. We insisted a long time ago that she would go see a doctor but due to her negligence she didn’t. So this time we forced her to go. Turns out she has many inflammations in her body, a wound in her stomach and her pulse is very low. We made an appointment at a cardiologist to get it checked out. She got two different (strong) antibiotics to get the inflammation under control. For now she seems to do better and her appetite came back slowly. Let’s see what the results will be from her cardiologist. She might get a pacemaker. And well if that isn’t enough last Thursday my mother had an appointment and they drew some blood and afterwards she fell ill. She told me she felt weak… I can’t do much since I’m in Türkiye… I told her to rest and if she still feels this way she should call an ambulance. On the next day the doctor called and told her the results are not good and that she has an inflammation somewhere. The doctor himself called an ambulance… the inflammation comes from her heart… they can’t tell how it happened or where it comes from. When she got admitted to the hospital she had a fever and they couldn’t bring it down… they tried everything and luckily after two days it went down. She feels a bit better now and gets treated with antibiotics for her inflammation. Yet she still needs to be operated on because the inflammation attacked her heart valve… (she got an artificial heart valve during the pandemic and there were complications… let’s say I almost lost my mother. It was a difficult time for me and my family especially since no one could go visit her…) now they’re going to shock her tomorrow to stop her heart to see if her heart works and if not, she will get operated on immediately and if it works normal they’re going to wait until the inflammation is gone and then she will get a new heart valve.

To be honest I’m scared… there’s trauma in me from that time especially since I know that I almost lost my mother, her heart stopped for two minutes… I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t see her, hear her voice because she was in a coma for almost three weeks - this is the first time that I’m talking about this. I went through a difficult time… now to hear she’s at the hospital again to get a new heart valve scares me a lot and I’m still here and can’t visit her… luckily we talk a lot through WhatsApp. But I don’t know what will happen tomorrow and to know we probably won’t get any news ‘til she either wakes up or my aunt gets a call from the hospital that she will get her operation… And I can’t tell anyone about it because I don’t want to show my worries to my grandparents duh they’re her parents… they also worry a lot and they’re not the youngest ppl anymore. They themselves struggle with health. My grandfather is also a dialysis patient. I try to distract myself with my grandparents and care for them also study a lot but still there’s this uneasiness in me…

[nathank77]

6/5/24

6:44 p.m Added to Significantly/Edited

So I gained 3 pounds. Maybe I am Hypo. That's def evidence that I could be hypo. I'm now 180. I'm not too concerned about it. Idk if I'm hypo or not. I didn't change my diet or anything. So I mean it's totally possible that I'm hypo. I absolutely have a calorie deficiency..

I'm disappointed but if I'm hypo it just means I'm going into remission and I'll start losing weight again once we see the bloodwork.

I got to pick a date for that.

I'm trying to consider other symptoms. I mean, I'm pooping the same. I'm hungry a little less frequently... but it's not drastic. Sometimes ranging going 5-6 hours in between meals So idk.. sometimes I'm hungry in 4... it's confusing.

Maybe I should go on the 7th cause this is the first time I've gained weight since starting Methimazole. But I want to make sure when I go it picks up me in hypo... not normal... cause If I go early and they see I'm normal but my levels are less than before he will likely tell me to stick the course until next month so I got to really think about my symptoms.

I got seen for my Cysts and I talked to this other dr about my black stool. And they said they will talk to my Dr about my xanax tomorrow... cause technically today is the 15th day meaning I have a pill. She perscribed me doxy for my Cyst.. She said the black stool is only concerning if it keeps happening along with other symptoms.

I feel like I should email my Dr tonight about needing my xanax tomorrow. I prob will. Cause I'm getting worried. Tomorrow it is Thursday. Then it's Friday. And sometimes it takes them 3 days to respond to my email. I mean the person I mentioned it to will likely tell my Dr tomorrow but I can't pretend I'm the only patient so... it might not be high on the priority list. The email/refill request is easier for me and puts it into writing.

I'm worried but I'll try to stay calm. I'm actually okay...

I am annoyed by the wieght gain if I'm not Hypo I'm going to have to start eating less which I'm totally fine with. I haven't been getting very hungry......

To add to this- sure I'm cold sometimes but it's not like the freezing I was feeling a few days ago. I'm not getting super hot. I went out today my car was warm essentially the whole time cause I didn't have it running long inbetween stops. I sweat on my upper back and neck a little.

I mean maybe I'm falling asleep easier. I'll see tonight when I go back to the half MG.... the 3 nights before the 1mg it was pretty easy... but the nights before that it wasn't.

The weed being thrown in makes me more energetic but yea I would say before the weed I was feeling fatigued. Legathic.

I feel like if I smoke too much weed, I get tactiles for sure. I noticed it. I could make it move...

The visual have remained the same. Her followers changed in front of my eyes this morning when i was sober. I noticed if things, "worsen" it's temporary. Once the weed gets out of my system in a hour it goes back to normal. Anxiety included.

What do I think worsened? Tactile if I hit it like crazy. Not visuals. The hallucination seems louder but not really maybe more frequent is the word. Bo4 was tolerable but only bc i was high. Once I took away the weed it was intolerable to sit there trying to game while I hallucinated nonstop... so I mean idk.

Idk if it's more frequent or not. It's not actually louder. I can confirm the tactiles if I go wild smoking are def worse. Worse part is I could live like that if the stupid voice would die.

I mean for now I reserve judgement. I just know it elevates my mood. Making my shitty quality of life more tolerable and making me calmer to cope with the chaos.. I get moments of silence regardless of the weed or not. It always comes back if I think about it I make it happen.... and I can't stop thinking about it.. but I had many moments of silence last night. That got ruined by thinking, "this is nice if only it would stay this way."

[jodilin65]

I’ve always considered myself an empath but have become less of one the more I see and realize that for the most part, people cause their own problems. Like voting Republican and then crying about lost rights. What do they expect? That’s like teasing a tiger and then bitching about it if it bites.

However, if the journal entries I’ve been editing and publishing from 2014-2015 were written by a total stranger, I would feel SO bad for them. It’s just so much torture both physically and emotionally that I went through! Even after all this time, I’m still angry that I had to suffer so much while the so-called experts blew me off and gave me suggestions that weren’t the least bit helpful in the end. They should have had a much better idea of what was going on with me and provided me with much better solutions rather than being so dismissive or blaming my problems on simply being anxious. Denying other possibilities was totally unprofessional, including that not everyone’s normal is in the so-called normal range of numbers.

I get that we know our bodies better than anyone else and that it’s hard for people to figure out or understand what they’ve never experienced first-hand but that’s still no excuse. They should have had enough info based on others who, like me, experienced the same problems. I was far from alone in what I went through between the medication and menopause.

I almost considered deleting Doc A for a minute after remembering the way she tried to tell me that levothyroxine can’t make you anxious, and that losing weight doesn’t affect your thyroid levels but only the life of the thyroid. How can any doctor say that to a patient?!

Also, the way I had to pry for menopause info or look online as if it’s a taboo subject and something totally unnatural that half the population doesn’t go through was ridiculous. I thought back to Doc C who knew damn well what my age was at the time, yet she never once said a word about menopause or perimenopause.

LOL, I just sent the last few paragraphs to Doc C on Facebook. She probably won’t see it though, as she definitely seems to have abandoned her account. And all because of what? A former patient who wanted to be her friend? Whatever. Her prerogative. It’s been 51 weeks since my last message to her which was actually an accident. It was a flower picture I meant to send someone else.

For the second day in a row, I’m tired because my sleep got broken up. I got up to pee and had trouble falling back asleep. Knowing that this meant I would automatically be tired when I got up, I removed the mouthguard. I was surprised not to find any spikes in oxygen levels after sleeping without it.

My only complaint is that the thing is making my jaw and teeth sore but I confirmed that while it can move teeth and make your jaws sore, it can’t knock your teeth out or anything like that. Hopefully, I’ll get used to it but if I don’t, yet still find it helpful (when thunder isn’t waking me up and I’m able to get back to sleep after I wake up to pee), I’ll ask Rhonda for a referral so I can get one custom made. For now, maybe tomorrow I can get back on with the testing! Part of having trouble sleeping might be my fault. It’s very hard to resist laying down when you’re tired and I might have laid down too much and gone to bed too early. I’ll try not to do that as much throughout the night.

There is some good news and that’s that some of my test results came back and I do not have an infection after all. I’m guessing the yellow discharge is simply the way I am in this day and age. Hormonal changes can cause it but it’s rarely a symptom of cancer so I’m not worried about it since I don’t have any symptoms. Hopefully, she won’t want to do further testing. The urine culture results are still a few days away.

More good news. The bed has been ordered! From Amazon, we have a metal frame that’s 14 inches tall and supports up to 3,000 lbs. The whole ensemble should be about 1,000, though.

I also got a couple of fitted sheets, one in Rio Red that will go with an extra pillowcase we have with red rosebuds on it, and one in Dusty Lavender which can go with an extra plum-colored pillowcase.

From the waterbed store, we got an 8-inch plush waterbed cover with free-flow tubes. It will come with 7 tubes that run the length of the bed and not the width. If I feel the cover is plush enough, I’ll just use an extra fitted sheet for a mattress pad. If not, we have extra plush mattress pads.

Tom will get a sheet of plywood to put on the bed frame since it's not a solid platform. There are gaps between the rails and we don't want to put the waterbed mattress on that. Also, I want to put the soundproofing blanket on top of the plywood and underneath the waterbed because I sometimes still feel and hear bumps and bangs from car doors given how close these houses are.

So now my survey savings account is almost empty! I’m going to get some little things before I save up for anything big again. I want to indulge in some Chinese food and a variety of incense from The Dipper. Then I want to finish the exterior bedroom wall.

Magic straws aren’t so magic. They have these flavored straws for milk and I decided to try the chocolate one but didn’t notice any chocolate taste at all.

Going to make dinner in a bit. A baked potato and chicken wings since I had salmon last night.

My weight is up a couple of pounds after having to raise my TSH a bit but it sure stopped my racy heart. You know how it is for me; it’s either be calm and be fatter or wound up and not as fat. The first choice is definitely more comfortable.

What was that the honker was just looking at? He just honked in and then I saw him step over in front of his lanai and peer between us and Ray at something. A rabbit?

[aspenkittyy]

Entry #1

⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢ ﹉﹉﹉﹉﹉୨♡୧﹉﹉﹉﹉﹉ ୨୧ ꒰ Aspen, Ash ; ?? ꒱ Online name is Aspen, I go by Ash Certified princess ﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍ ⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣

If you're Me, and it hasn't been at least a year since I finished writing this, turn AWAY !! >:(( You're not supposed to see this yet!

Read this while listening to Sweater Weather (FOR THE BEST EXPERIENCE)

Hello! My name is Aspen. You can call me Ash if you would like. Aspen isn't my real name, but I like it. I don't exactly expect this to be popular, or get a lot of traction. I just need a place to put my thoughts, you know? Maybe when I'm older I can look back at this and poke fun of it. ^_^ So, hi, future me! I guess I should tell you a bit about myself, right? So here is a list of my favorites. :

▄︻デ══━一💥(pew pew!) Ash's favorite things.

Favorite color ∿ dark red

Favorite song ∿ Nice Nice, Dazey and the Scouts

Favorite animal ∿ Fox

Favorite place ∿ Skate City/The Pool

Favorite hobbies ∿ Rollerblading, Music

Instruments I play ∿ Piano, Flute

Favorite shows ∿ Percy Jackson, The Hollow, Black Mirror, Kipo

Favorite characters ∿ Grover Underwood, Kai (The Hollow), Reeve (The Hollow), Wolf (Kipo), Travis Phelps (Sallyface), Larry Johnson (Sallyface)

Favorite movies ∿ Coraline, Boxtrolls, Mean Girls, Heathers

Favorite musicals ∿ Heathers, Mean Girls, Be More Chill, Dear Evan Hanson, Ride the Cyclone

Favorite videogames ∿ Sallyface, Fran Bow, Little Misfortune, DDLC, Roblox, Gacha, Minecraft

Favorite food ∿ Curly fries

Favorite scent ∿ Sweet Escape, Strawberry Picnic, Bath & Bodyworks

Favorite season ∿ Summer 🦋ꦿ

Favorite type of Pet ∿ Dog

Favorite thing about myself ∿ Resourcefulness

Skin status ∿ Acne Prone, on Retinae and Doxy

Crush ∿ No one

Height ∿ 5'1.5

Weight ∿ 103 lbs. (Trying to lose weight)

GPA ∿ 3.75 (Dad and mom say that I am very smart for a girl my age . Yay !)

Favorite thing to say currently ∿ 'I will shank you'

Dream place to live ∿ Rainy Mississippi

Current Goals ∿ Grow my hair out, Make mom happy, Get grades up, Be more patient, lose weight

▄︻デ══━一💥(Pew Pew!) Now, some of Ash's least favorite things.

✶- People who chew with their mouths open

✶- Middle school boys

✶- M.D ex-friend >:(

✶-O.? ex-bf >:(

✶-Getting acne

✶-Selfish people

✶-My oldest sister (Has she moved out yet?)

✶-My room

✶-My mom

✶-Alcohol, Drugs, etc

✶-Being in my room

✶-Not knowing if I am normal or not

✶- Knowing that I am not healthy

✶- Thieves

✶- Snow

✶- Cantaloupe

✶- C.O. It is so BORING here!

✶- Mrs. S. (Drama teacher)

✶- Vomit

✶- Feeling envious

✶- The way I look

✶- French braids

✶-Deadlines

That's it for now.

[ketoplusacvgumies]

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Subjects

Health, Health Care, Pharmaceuticals Alternative medicine

Categories

Keto Plus ACV Gummies Keto Plus ACV Gummies Reviews

Website:- https://www.mid-day.com/brand-media/article/keto-plus-acv-gummies-reviews-legit-or-scam-updated-2023-shark-tank-keto-acv-23282874

[appalachiananarchist]

I have many feelings so this will be long! @chiaroscur0 @cabbagequeen323 @shellstrop420 @marshapono

Concerns I have:

1) The way GLP-1 have been endorsed lately just feels predatory. Public endorsements suggest these are quick, easy, weekly shots to make you skinny and then you will be "healthy." This is all without explaining how the medicine works. Most who come in asking about these meds have no clue what they are. GLP-1s are being endorsed as a quick fix for obesity, not as an actual, strong medication with well defined medical indications and contraindications. Every medicine alters some physiologic process in your body, and as such, will have side effects and risks. GLP-1s make you feel full with less food and for longer, which is one way they help with weight loss. This means that food just kinda sits inside of you instead of digesting normally. This is not how bodies are supposed to work, so people on them can start developing the same symptoms someone with gastroparesis (think of that like stomach paralysis) might: severe nausea or vomiting and intense changes in bowel movements. GLP-1s also increase the risk of thyroid cancer and pancreatitis, among other potential side effects. People also don't realize that this is a lifelong commitment. You stop this drug, you gain weight back unless you've made major lifestyle changes--and most people really struggle to do that or don't want to.

I have a "if it ain't broke don't fix it" approach to medicine. It goes against every fiber of my being to say, "Hey, let's take your perfectly healthy GI tract and intentionally break it so you can't eat so much. Then you'll lose weight! Also, you may develop thyroid cancer or pancreatic disease!" Weight loss has its place, but is not the pinnacle of health. I don't prioritize if over keeping your healthy body functioning like a healthy body. If someone tells me that they are trying to lose weight, I want it done in a way that is as healthy as possible--and that generally means physical activity, healthy diet choices, and maybe seeing a counselor if overeating is an emotional problem. In general, if your body is operating normally, I think you should just leave it alone.

2) I am worried about people fixating on this drug as if it will make them healthier without the appropriate lifestyle changes. Being thinner doesn't mean being healthier. It isn't that simple. Unless your medical condition is associated with weight and is managed with weight loss, you need to live a healthy lifestyle to improve your health, not take a weekly shot. But let's be real: MOST people wanting this are more interested in weight loss for body image reasons. Or, they are misinformed and genuinely believe skinny = healthy, which is way oversimplified and not accurate. With the social stigma against obesity and conflicting information out there I totally get it, but this all feels a bit too close to profiting off of weight-based insecurity and/or poor medical literacy. And let's be real again: both obesity and poor medical literacy are higher in the poor.

I am not opposed to writing it to non-diabetics when I really feel weight loss could help improve overall wellbeing and all risks are clearly discussed. For example, I have a pseudotumor cerebri patient with uncontrolled symptoms despite all the traditional medications. Due to the impact on her vision, neurosurg wanted to do a shunt, but she and her POA refused surgery. She has a mild intellectual disability that makes traditional weight loss hard for her, so to save her vision and stop her daily debilitating headaches, we agreed to try a GLP-1. It worked. Her vision is no longer deteriorating and her headaches are almost entirely gone. So she is a case where I am comfortable with the decision to do a GLP-1 for weight loss because she had a very poor quality of life without it and could have permanently lost her sight.

3) The craze is impacting my ability to care for my other patients. My diabetics have been losing access to the meds they really need because local pharmacies are wiped out of just about every GLP-1 brand, especially at the low doses. I am spending a RIDICULOUS amount of time per day calling various pharmacies to try and make brand swaps or dose changes. This is time taken away from other patient needs. The sheer number of GLP-1 demands and calls coming to my inbox are tying up my inbox and the nurse line, keeping patients with serious medical questions from getting through. When I say it is a lot, I am talking probably 40% of my incoming calls/messages are non-diabetic GLP-1 inquiries right now, on top of what my "normal" inbox looked like prior to everyone asking for these meds. It is unsustainable.

And don't get me started on insurance. Most of my patients don't have insurances that cover these in non-diabetics. There's nothing I can do about the price, and I cannot force them to cover it even if I agreed to write it. Please stop yelling at me.

I think there was a study out there that said a family doctor would need like 27 hours per day in order to complete all of the tasks expected of them. Since this all started, I personally would have to tack another 1-2 hours/day MINIMUM onto that.

I have many feelings on the GLP-1 craze, mostly negative, but would be really interested hearing how others in the medical field feel about it.

[oomisluvr]

sakusa's first blowjob, part 1/3

synopsis: sakusa wants to take the next step in your relationship. who are you to deny him of such a request?

warnings: handjobs, blowjobs, cursing, minors do not interact.

sakusa likes to believe that he’s a confident person. he dominates the court, confidence oozing out of him in just about all he does, but he’s never given much thought to his physical attraction. sakusa gazes at himself in the mirror, gently batting a stray curl from his face.

suddenly, he doesn’t like his appearance so much.

what kind of guys did you like? should he cut his hair? straighten it? maybe he should dress differently than usual today? do you even like him to begin with?

six months. you've been together for six months and not once has he asked you to engage in anything remotely sexual. according to his teammates, that isn't normal. apparently, he's supposed to have fucked you a million different ways by now, ruining your ability to walk for days at a time.

what if you want that? is he failing as a partner?

his frown deepens. it's not that he does't want to have sex with you, it's just that, well,

he's kinda scared.

what if he's bad at sex? what if he isn't big enough? what if he can't make you finish?

he sighs, no longer wanting to look at his reflection or think these thoughts. shoving his phone into his pocket, grabbing this keys and wallet, he heads out of his dorm room to the other side of campus.

the walk to your campus apartment is uneventful, but he feels stressed nonetheless. stopping by the mini-mart to buy you some snacks, his mind wanders once again.

i shouldn't rush this, he thinks, we can take baby steps. start with some smaller stuff and work your way up to the big event. a plan, yes, a plan is what he needed.

thanking the cashier, he checks out and heads your way, suddenly feeling inspired. he checks his phone to see the time, changing his direction to your apartment.

upon his arrival, he raises a fist, giving three light raps to your door.

"it's open!" your voice calls, muffled through the thickness of the wood. he opens the door, stepping into the gentle air conditioning of your place.

"it's me."

"oh! kiyoomi, hi!" you walk over to him, kissing him on the cheek, "i wasn't expecting to see you today."

he frowns, "you need to lock your door, then. what if it wasn't me coming to visit you?" your eyes lock on the grocery bag he's carrying.

"yes. lock the door." you reach out to grab it.

"i'm serious, y/n. you need to be more careful," sakusa pulls it away from your reach. you groan.

"okay, okay, i'll be more careful. happy?"

"mm, give me another kiss and i'll think about it."

you make a show of rolling your eyes, leaning up to give him a quick peck to his lips. he smiles when you snatch the bag out of his hands, walking towards the kitchen to put the snacks away. he awkwardly follows you, wordlessly putting the goodies when they're supposed to go.

"so what's up with you? you're acting weird, did something happen?" your small hands dig through one of the bags, latching onto one of the candies he bought you.

"i just wanted to see you, believe it or not."

"that sounds even more suspicious," you begin, tearing apart the twisters he brought for you, "are you sure that's all?"

"yeah, i-" he eyes scan over your appearance, the old shorts you're wearing are suddenly looking very sexy. he wonders if you think the same way of him, "i just missed you, is all."

you take a bite of 3 twizlers at a time, hoisting yourself up to sit on the counter space by the stovetop, "you're lying. c'mon, be real with me, oomi."

he scowls, moving from his position in the kitchen to where you sit. sakusa stands above you, towering over you even while perched on the counter. he kisses your forehead, placing his calloused hands on the plush of your thighs. you know him so well. patiently, you wait for his response, chewing happily. sakusa fiddles with your skin, feeling very bashful in your presence. he thinks back to the thoughts he had earlier; he should communicate with you and tell you how he feels.

"i was wondering if you wanted to take our relationship to the next level."

"what do you mean?" you still nibble on the twizlers, finishing the last one in a single bite.

"like..." he wraps his finger around the stray thread on your shorts, "...if you want to have sex. and stuff." he cringes at the words coming out of his mouth.

"and stuff?" you giggle, poking his cheek.

"sorry, that sounded weird. it's just... we've been together for a while and we've never really talked about this kinda stuff. i know you're more... experienced than me and i don't want to disappoint you."

you reach out to stroke his face, palms resting just under his jawline. you smile when he leans into your touch, "no, no, never. i'm sorry if i made it seem like i didn't want to have sex with you, oomi. i thought i was respecting your boundaries, is all. losing your virginity can be a big deal, and i didn't want to pressure you into something you weren't ready for. i'll wait for you, though, for whenever you are ready," his skin feels soft under your thumb, a sad expression on your face.

"i-i think i'm ready, but..." he feels his blush deepen further, realizing how vulnerable he felt in the moment, "... but maybe not for everything, a-at least not right now. i think we should take baby steps."

"baby steps?" you softly smile.

"yeah, like the smaller stuff so we can get comfortable with each other before we do the big stuff."

"like?"

"like... we can, uhm, touch each other," god, this feels embarrassing to say out-loud, "and do things with our hands and mouths," your fingers comb through the thin hairs at the base of his neck; sakusa feels like he's floating. you feel so soft.

"touch each each other?" you lightly push him off of you, sliding down from the countertop. still maintaining eye contact, you slowly move to pull your hair into a high ponytail, "i mean... there's no time like the present, right?"

sakusa feels an inkling on where you're going with this, and plays into your advances, not wanting to come off as desperate, "i- yes, but, no. i mean, not if you don't want to. me personally, i-" his throat closes up when he feels your soft hands run over the waistband of his sweatpants.

you sink down to your knees, batting your lashes up at him, "are you sure, kiyoomi? we don't have to do anything, you know."

"please, yes," his voice squeaks when you run your palm over the print in his sweats, "this is fine. "i-it's okay. i like when you touch me."

you smile at him, your grip on him getting tighter. sakusa has to stifle a whine the threatens to spill out of his lips. playfully, you tug down the front of his sweats, lightly running a finger over his dick, feeling his erection strain against his boxers, "baby steps, huh? i'll take things slow then, just for you."

finally pulling down his boxers, you mentally celebrate at the sight before you. his dick stands hard against his toned abdomen, a pearly bead of pre-cum bubbles at his tip.

you take him into your hands, running your index finger across his slit, collecting the pre that's accumulated during the time you've been teasing him. he feels so embarrassed; you hadn't even begun to do anything, yet he's fully erect, dribbling pre-cum. he wants to cover his face, but kiyoomi can't seem to pull his eyes away from you.

you pull your hand back, spitting in it, and grabbing the base of his dick, building a languid, slow pace that knocks the wind from his chest. holy shit, he thinks, this is really happening. he has to remind himself to breathe when you focus your hand movements to his tip, maneuvering your hand in circular motions and rolling your wrist to keep the fluidity. your other hand finally comes up, moving to quickly pump the rest of him.

"o-oh, fuck," sakusa has to grip the counter, thighs shaking, "holy shit, that feels good," his voice cracks, but he can't bring himself to care, throwing his head back and releasing a series of moans.

"can i use my mouth?" you sweetly ask, now solely stroking his shaft, leaving the tip alone as to not deliver too much stimulation at once.

"mm, ye-yeah," sakusa squeezes his eyes tightly at the thought, "yeah, go for it. please."

you stop your movements and sakusa forces himself to choke down a whine. he's breathing heavy, eyes still shut because he knows that opening them will bring him to an orgasm. the vulgarity of the situation makes his dick twitch in your hands.

lowering his head, he finally opens his eyes, feeling blessed by the sight he sees. your pretty mink lashes make you look like an angel, your small hands wrapped around such an intimate area, fingers just barely touching. your eyes carry so much weight behind them; promises of what you want to do to him, the millions of ways you'll make him yours. gently, he brings a hand up to your head, thumbing the hair of your ponytail.

"look at me, kiyoomi," you voice sultry, yet demanding, and sakusa can't help but listen to you, pupils blown wide.

you lick his slit, dragging your heavy tongue across one of his most sensitive areas, your right hand moves to deliver long strokes. not wanting to make him wait any longer, you put your lips around him completely, hollowing your cheeks as you take him as far as you can go, the fine hairs of his pelvis tickling your face. relaxing your throat muscles, you swallow around him, once, twice, constricting his dick with the smooth muscles of your throat.

"oh my god, baby, just like that," you feel the hand on your ponytail tighten, but kiyoomi doesn't force you down, "yeah, yeah, fuck, you're so good to me, shit," he moans through the pleasure.

seeking oxygen, you come up for air, the wetness from your saliva giving you the slickness to jerk him at a faster pace, your grip on him tightening. his stomach clenches as he fights back an orgasm, mind clouded with thoughts of you.

diving back in, you bob your head up and down his length, your hands working what doesn't fit into your mouth. sakusa's hands fly up to grab the counter, his knees threatening to buckle.

"s-shit, y/n, ah, fuck," he groans over the sounds of slick, "i-i think i'm gonna cum, y/n. wait, i'm gonna cum."

you move your head back, opening your mouth right below his tip, sticking your tongue out flat; a silent invitation to cum in your mouth. your right hand stays where it is, speeding up the pace of your strokes, your left hand moves back, massaging his balls between your fingers. sakusa's face is beet red, your generosity getting the best of him. throwing his head back, he groans loudly, stomach tensing as white ropes of cum paint your face and tongue.

"o-ooh, fu-u-ck!"

you deliver tightened, heavy strokes, slowing your movements to not overstimulate him, milking him of everything he's worth. looking down at you with lidded eyes, even kiyoomi is surprised at how much he came. semen is sprawled from your chin to your cheekbones, the whiteness of himself stands out against the pink of your tongue, thick cum pooling down your fingers and forearm, almost reaching your elbow.

grateful that he's an athlete, you swallow everything he gave you, enjoying the delicate taste. tucking him back into his clothes, he helps you stand from your position on the floor. you notice a sheen a sweat on his hairline.

"god is a woman and her name is y/n. i think you took my soul."

you laugh, he smiles, "you almost got cum in my eye, you know."

sakusa's ears turn red, suddenly worried about your comfort, "sorry, you made it pretty difficult to focus," using his thumb, he swipes the cum that missed your mouth, collecting it on his finger and holding it in from of your mouth. moaning softly when you shift forward to suck away the cum, he brings his free hand to pull you in by the waist, "thank you, y/n, seriously. let me return the favor, yeah?" bringing his face closer to yours, he slips his tongue past your lips, tasting himself through a deep kiss. his hand rises to caress the side of your face, tilting his head for a better angle.

"i blow you once and now you think you can handle me?" you mumble against his lips, "you aren't ready for it," you tease, your words making his body feel hot. he is ready; he's been ready, sakusa thinks, but waiting for the right moment makes it that much sweeter. patting your ass, he pecks your lips once more for good measure. oh, that reminds him.

"i wanted to talk to you about that, actually." you shoot him a questioning look, maneuvering around him to wash your hands.

"yeah, what's up?"

"i have a plan."

"a plan? for what?"

"for how we're gonna have sex."

you grimace, "gross, don't plan it out! that's what old people do!"

"stop," he whines, "i thought really long about it. i just need to ask you a few questions."

"okay, okay," you dry your hands with paper towel, using the wetness of the paper to wipe away any sticky spots still on your face, "what do you need to know?" he walks closer to the calendar you have on the wall in the kitchen area, whipping out his phone to compare dates, you assume.

"are you free next weekend?" you think for a moment.

"yeah, i think so, but i have a baby shower at 10."

"who throws a baby shower at 10 in the morning?"

"that's what i said! she really thought that it would be a good i-"

"wait, don't get side tracked. i still have more questions."

"kiyoomi, what are you even planning to do?"

"well, i cant show you all the cards in my hand! i just need you to answer the questions."

"okay, damn! ask away then." he taps through his phone.

"do you have a preferred place to have sex?"

"uhm, not really? just not in a car or shower, at least not for the first time." he types frantically.

"okay, next question. what are your thoughts on pubic hair?"

"kiyoomi!" you laugh, "what the hell?"

"i need to know! it's for science!"

"jesus, man. i guess, it doesn't really matter? it's natural, so who cares? as long as i'm not flossing with your pubes while i go down on you, i have no issues."

"that's disgusting. you know i would never do that. i need a serious response, y/n."

"okay, okay fine!" you laugh, "not too much but also don't just have nothing. bald dick is weird."

he nods his head, considering your answer, he types into his phone, repeating your words aloud to himself, "okay, last question for now. would you prefer sex in the morning or the evening?"

"it depends on the day, but considering this would be out first time as a couple, i wouldn't want to ditch you to go to lab after we fuck. late afternoon to evening would be the best time i think." he's silent, walking over to the calendar once again.

"okay," he nods his head, squinting his eyes in thought, "okay, yeah this totally works."

"it does?"

"yes, everything is coming together."

"so can i expect to have my back blown out in the near future?"

"if by 'back blown out' you mean gently and passionately make love, then yes, expect it."

"great," you clap your hands together, "i look forward to it," your stomach growls, the angry rumble echoes throughout the kitchen."

"don't tell me those 3 twizlers is all you've had to eat today."

"no," you smile, a laugh threatening to rip from your chest before you even have the chance to finish your sentence, "i had your kids for lunch."

"y/n!" he gasps.

this is my first time writing smut, so please let me know what you think! leave a comment so i can improve; i plan to make this a series, so give me some criticism to improve the story <33 thank you for reading :)

[nastybuckybarnes]

Deep End  -  Six

Pairing: Dark!Steve Rogers X Reader

Summary: He’s back. After all your best efforts at getting away, he’s found you again. And this time, he’s not letting you go so easily. He’s determined to do whatever it takes to get you to be his. Forever.

Warnings: Dark Themes, Language, Angst, Fluff, Angst

Word Count: 4.6K

A/n: Okie dokie! I’ve got an epilogue planned but I like this. The epilogue will explain shit better but I've known that this would be the end since pretty much the beginning LMAO

Deep End Masterlist

THIS IS A DARK FIC WITH SEXUAL AND TRIGGERING CONTENT!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!! 18+ ONLY!!!

~*~

When Steve hears you stop struggling, stop fighting and stop crying, he’s nervous.

It’s been a while since he locked you up there, and he really should check on you soon, if only to make sure the baby’s okay after that stunt you pulled.

He pushes the door to the bedroom open, eyeing your figure carefully.

You look like you’re asleep. If he wasn't so attuned to your body, your heart and your breathing, he wouldn’t have noticed something’s wrong.

Your heart is beating rapidly, far faster than normal. And it’s weaker than usual.

Your breathing is shallow and strained, and your face is lacking its usual healthy glow.

He rushes to your side, tearing the rope from your wrists and touching your face carefully.

Your skin is hot to the touch, and he feels fear settle in his gut.

He doesn’t know what to do, how to help. He’s never really had to help you like this, the doctor’s always been nearby.

He grabs his phone, calling the doctor and pacing nervously.

“Sh-she’s burning up and her breathing is shallow.”

Steve's stomach drops as he listens to the doctor’s instructions, answers his questions and comes to the realization of why you’re like this.

He rolls you onto your left side, tears welling up in his eyes at how unresponsive you are.

The doctor hangs up after telling the super soldier that he’ll be there soon.

His heart is in his throat as he tries to undo the damage of his punishment, putting the evidence back in the box and kicking the rope under the bed.

You’re still unresponsive, heart weak, but your breath sounds a little less strained.

Monster. That’s what you called him. What Natasha called him and what Bucky’s asset called him.

Maybe you’re right.

But he wants you. He needs you. Giving you up would be giving up a piece of his soul and he’s not ready to do that yet.

~*~

The doctor informs him that both you and the baby are okay, but being on your back for so long was compressing a major vein supplying your baby with oxygenated blood. If he’d gotten there any later it might’ve been too late.

With strict instructions to keep you on your left side and make sure you stay hydrated, the doctor takes his leave.

He stays by your side, holding your hand tightly in both of his as he really comes to terms with the fact that it was entirely his fault. He almost killed you and your baby to prove a stupid point. To discourage you from doing the very same thing.

His heart is heavy in his chest as he listens to your heartbeat get stronger, to the baby’s heartbeat continue fluttering like a hummingbird’s.

Those two sounds bring him peace, if only temporarily.

Shattering his peace is the sound of the front door opening, followed by tiny little footsteps clomping up the stairs.

“Mommy! Mommy!”

Sarah.

Steve shoves himself to his feet and quickly leaves the room just as his daughter tries to enter.

“Sarah, mommy’s sleeping.” She frowns up at him and shakes her little blonde head.

“I need to talk to mommy!”

She walks around his legs only for him to scoop her up in his arms.

“She’s sleeping right now, honey.”

Sarah shakes her head angrily, beating her tiny fists against his shoulders.

“Let me go! I want mommy! Mommy!! Put me down!” She starts shrieking. Full-on screaming bloody murder right in his ear, and he loses his grip on the wriggling child.

She slides out of his arms and runs into the bedroom, climbing onto the bed and shaking your shoulder.

“Mommy?” She’s got little tears on her face, and they don’t cease when you don’t wake up.

“Why won’t mommy wake up?!” She looks up at Steve with terror written on her face and it shatters his heart in his chest.

“Sarah, mommy’s sick, okay? I had the doctor come over and he said that she needs to rest and when she wakes up we’re gonna need to make sure she’s got plenty of water, okay?”

Sarah’s big blue eyes are filled with tears and she shakes her head.

“I want mommy!”

She clings to your torso, crying against your shoulder in fear.

“Sarah, honey, mommy’s gonna be okay. You just gotta give her some space, okay? How about I set up a movie for you?” Sarah sniffles and slowly pulls away from you, looking at her father and shaking her head again.

“I want mommy! I hate you!”

Steve then realizes just how crucial you are. How important you are, not only to him but to his daughter as well.

Losing you would hurt so many people.

“Honey, you gotta give mommy and I some space, okay?”

He picks up the five-year-old, despite her quite literally kicking and screaming, and sets her down outside the bedroom.

He shuts the door quickly and locks it even faster.

Sarah stands outside, wailing her head off and pounding on the door with her tiny little fists.

She cries for you, over and over again, and it breaks Steve’s heart.

He’s brought back to what you said about him. About how this isn’t love.

He sits down at your side again, trying desperately to drown out the sound of his daughter crying outside as his thoughts overwhelm him.

He hasn’t been the nicest to you, that he’ll openly admit, and he makes mistakes probably more often than he doesn’t. But he loves you. He needs you.

Tears well up in his eyes and he lets out a shuddering breath.

He’ll make this right. He has to. Sarah deserves a mother, so does your unborn baby. And -though he may not deserve you- he needs you. The monster will be hard to fight, but losing you will be harder.

The damage he’s done might be irreversible, but he’s gonna do what he can to make things right, to give you a better life.

You don’t wake up for a few hours, but when you do you’re confused.

Your back aches and you feel a little dizzy as you remember what happened, how you got here.

Steve watches as you regain consciousness, confusion pulling your brows together before you slowly open your eyes.

“How’re you feeling?” He asks softly, rubbing his thumb across your knuckles soothingly.

You look up at him then drop your gaze to your belly, bringing your free hand down to rub it gently.

“Am I... are we okay?” He nods gently, tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, (Y/n). I was... I don’t know, trying to teach you a lesson. And all that did was hurt you. Hurt the baby. I wanted to show you that trying to hurt yourself and hurt the baby wouldn’t fly, but I ended up doing far more damage.”

You swallow hard and struggle to push yourself into a seated position, wincing at the throb in your head.

“The doctor said that you shouldn’t move too much, and try to stay on your left side when you sleep. I-I didn't know that sleeping on your back was bad.”

You take a deep breath and look up at him, waiting for the anger to take hold in his eyes but it never does.

“I’m sorry for hurting you. For scaring you and not trusting you. I... I lost you for so many years and now I have you back and... I don’t wanna lose you again. But everything I do to try and keep you close, make you mine... all it does is push you further away and I’m sorry.”

His apology takes you by surprise, and you eye him skeptically.

How are you supposed to know if he’s telling the truth?

He drags one of his hands down his face and for a moment you can truly see just how old Steve Rogers is.

The exhaustion of carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders finally shows in the lines near his eyes, the bags beneath them. But what really displays his age is his eyes. They’re so full of trauma and pain and weariness.

For the first time since waking up from the ice, Steve Rogers looks his age.

“I-I’m sorry, too,” you whisper, surprising him.

“I didn’t... I wasn’t thinking. I just... I wanted to punish you for what happened to Natasha. What you did. I wanted you to hurt but I just ended up hurting myself in the process.” You look down at your hands, trying to figure out how you want to phrase what you have to say.

“People argue, Steve. But what you do... it’s beyond that. We’re not... there are so many things wrong with what’s happening between us, what’s happened already, but I can’t leave. Sarah’s too attached and all I want for my little girl is to have a happy life. To have the happiness that was torn from me.”

Guilt settles on his chest, but he lets you continue speaking.

“I want my daughter to have a good life. I don’t want her to be afraid of-of people. The way I am. She loves you, and I know... I think you love her. You haven’t hurt her yet, and I hope it stays that way because at the rate we’re going, I'm not sure how much longer I’ll be able to do this.”

The pure fatigue on your face is more than enough explanation, but the idea of losing you is too much for him to bear.

“No, don’t say that. I’m gonna get better, okay? We-we were happy once. And we can do it again. I’ll be gentle and patient. I just... I need you, (Y/n). I need you a lot and the fact that you have such a tight hold over my every thought makes me angry. But I’m not gonna take it out on you anymore, okay?”

You let out a deep breath and eye him carefully.

“You’ve said that before.”

He thinks back to the time you spent in that cabin in the woods, where you turned his friends against him.

He has said that before, and look at where he is now.

“This time it’ll be different.”

You don’t have the energy to fight him. So if he’s gonna try, fine.

“Where’s Sarah?” You ask, hoping she’s still safely out with Morgan.

Steve’s face falls again and he stands up and opens the door to your bedroom.

Sarah sits crumpled in a ball, her cheeks covered in tears.

“Mommy!” She all but screams the word, launching to her feet.

Steve tries to take her hand but she yanks it away from him, shooting him a glare then running to the bed and climbing up beside you.

Your heart breaks when you see how sad she looks, and you hug her to your chest.

“It’s okay, baby. Mommy’s okay.” She sniffles and climbs onto your lap, climbing to you like her life depends on it.

You wonder what happened while you were unconscious, what Steve did to upset her so much, and your mind immediately goes to the worst.

You look at the man, your thoughts written plainly across your face, but he quickly shakes his head.

“No. I just told her she couldn’t come in. Not ‘till you woke up. She uh... she stayed right outside the door.”

You soothe your daughter, rocking her as much as you can manage with the pain rolling down your spine.

“It’s okay, baby. Mommy’s okay. Everything’s okay.” You hold her close to you, trying to calm her down while Steve looks on helplessly.

Although his daughter loves him, loves being here with him, nothing can compare to the bond that the two of you have.

The monster in him hates it. Hates that he’s not as close to his own daughter, blames you for it. But he pushes that part of himself down.

He made a promise. And this time he’s not gonna break it.

~

"Are you sure you’re okay with it?” He asks for the thousandth time.

You only shrug, fixing your hair in the mirror as the doorbell rings.

“It’s a little too late now, Steve. Besides, I don’t really care. Sarah’s gonna have fun and that’s all that matters.”

Your daughter took a few days to warm up to Steve again, but now that she has he’s not gonna risk anything changing that.

He takes one last look at you, at how pretty you look in your blue sundress, then leans forward and kisses your cheek.

“I love you, (Y/n). I can send them away.”

You take a deep breath and shake your head.

“Sarah’s excited. Besides, I wanna know what we’re having.”

You plaster on a forced smile and it breaks his heart, but he turns and heads downstairs to greet the guests.

Ever since you got hurt, he’s been nicer. Far gentler than he's ever been with you, and you’re not complaining.

Steve has the potential to be a good person, that much is obvious, but he chooses not to.

He hasn’t hurt you again, or even yelled at you. No, he’s been patient and understanding and it’s such a sharp contrast from who he was before.

You can hear him greeting the guests warmly, chatting on and on about this and that and whatever else.

Taking a deep breath to prepare yourself, you leave the faux safety of the bedroom and head down the stairs, smiling at your guests.

People that you’ve never seen before are in your house. Well, that’s not true. You’ve seen them on TV.

The Avengers are in your living room and kitchen, talking softly amongst themselves.

In the presence of these superheroes, you feel small. Weak. And you can’t fight the urge to find Steve as anxiety crawls up your spine.

He’s in the kitchen, talking animatedly with Tony Stark and Sam Wilson. Iron Man and Falcon.

He looks so at ease, his face split open with a laidback grin.

Sam’s eyes find yours and he says something to Steve, making the blond turn to you with a soft smile.

He waves you over and you obey, one hand resting delicately on your bump.

“Sam, Tony, this is my (Y/n). (Y/n), Sam and Tony.” You nod politely at them, sliding your clammy hand into Steve's nervously.

You haven’t been around this many people in a very long time.

“It’s nice to finally meet the woman who’s got Captain America so hooked! All he does is talk about you,” Sam says, a grin on his face.

You smile at him, looking up at Steve.

He nods encouragingly, smoothing his thumb over your knuckles to try and ease your anxiety.

“It’s nice to meet you, too. I, uh, I’ve heard a lot about you. About both of you.” Tony smiles looking down as someone tugs on his pant leg.

“Can I have a sleepover at Sarah’s house?!” Morgan asks excitedly, her little face full of glee.

“You’re gonna need to go ask your mother. You know she makes all the decisions.”

Tony’s gaze lifts to yours when his daughter runs to find her mom.

“Is it alright if she sleeps over tonight?”

Steve nods then looks at you.

“You alright with that?”

You’re not sure if it’s a real choice or a test, but you don’t want to find out.

“Of course. She’s always welcome here.”

Tony nods with a smile, then resumes whatever conversation they were having before you showed up.

You tune out what they’re saying, carefully rubbing over your stomach and poking at your baby whenever they decide to kick you.

“(Y/n)? Did you wanna help me set the food up outside?” Pepper’s voice breaks you from your trance, her hand coming to rest softly on your shoulder.

You look up at Steve, silently asking for permission, but he just leans down and presses a soft kiss to your lips and lets go of your hand.

You follow Pepper, setting up the table in the backyard silently for a while before she clears her throat.

“How are you feeling, (Y/n)? Sarah told us you were sick.”

You swallow hard and give her a tight smile.

“I’m feeling better. Tired all the time but this little devil is to blame for that.” You poke your belly only to be met with another kick.

Pepper nods, smiling at you.

“Are you excited?”

That question throws you for a loop.

Are you? Are you excited to have another baby?

You’re excited for Sarah to have a sibling. Excited to get to hold your baby and love your baby. But the reason why you’re having the baby in the first place? The father of your baby? No.

“Yeah, I am. A little nervous, too.”

She sits down by your garden, patting the seat next to her.

“You look tired, (Y/n). More tired than a mother should be. You’re wearing yourself thin.” You keep your lips sealed, not wanting to say anything that might make Steve mad.

She sighs and sets a gentle hand on your knee.

“I don’t know what your... relationship is with Steve, but I know you’re unhappy. He’s a good guy, deep down. But you need to take care of yourself, okay? Don’t work yourself to the breaking point because it’ll be even harder to build yourself back up. Especially with a brand new baby.”

You let out a shuddering breath and nod.

“It’s just hard. I’m trying but... it’s hard.”

As you talk softly with Pepper, Steve observes the two of you.

You look so sad, so defeated. He hates that he made you look like that.

“She’s unhappy, Steve.”

He turns to the voice, eyebrows raising.

“Wanda. I didn’t know if you’d make it.” He pulls her into a hug. “I heard about what happened in Westview... Wanda, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

She sighs, pulling away with a sad smile.

“No. But I will be.” Her eyes travel back over to you for a moment, feeling the pain and the sorrow in your soul.

“Do you think she’ll ever be happy here? With me?” Wanda sighs, crossing her arms over her chest and closing her eyes, feeling your thoughts, your energy.

“It’s hard to tell. Right now she’s so... numb. Nothing but sadness and... hopelessness. Her spirit is crushed, Steve.” She reopens her eyes and turns to the blond.

“You can’t keep her here like this. It’s only a matter of time before she gets fed up and tries to do something drastic. Again.”

Steve knows. He fucking knows that. But he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do to lift your spirits.

He's given you more freedom, let you make more decisions for yourself. He’s been gentler with you, hasn't forced himself on you.

Not forcing himself on you isn’t something to gloat about, but given the history between the two of you, it’s something fairly major.

He just wants to keep you in his life. He needs to keep you in his life.

He turns to the young woman beside him, a thought bubbling into his mind.

“Could you... do something to make her happy? Make her enjoy her life here? Make her love me again?”

Wanda’s mouth curves down as she looks at you, watches you play with your daughter and Morgan.

“Steve, it’s not right.”

The blond lets out a pained breath, shaking his head desperately.

“I just want happiness, Wanda. Don’t I deserve it? Haven’t I suffered enough to deserve a happy ending?”

Wanda’s eyes glow red with sorrow as she’s reminded of her own happy ending that she had to give up.

She takes his hand and gives it a squeeze, dropping her gaze for a moment before looking over at his desperate blue eyes.

“We don’t always get what we deserve. It’s hard and it hurts, but we can't control everything. And at some point, we need to let go. No matter how hard it is or how much it hurts. We can’t hurt other people because of what we think we deserve.”

They both look back over to you, your own eyes already on the pair, but dropping as soon as you see them turn to you.

“I’m sorry, Steve. I can’t do that.”

Tears stab at his eyes and he huffs out a breath through his nose, turning on his heel and walking away from the party, from his friends.

His abrupt departure catches the attention of a few people, yourself included. Before you can get up and see what’s going on, Bucky’s on his feet and heading into the house.

The woman Steve was talking to makes her way over to you, smiling gently.

“Hi (Y/n). I’m Wanda.” You smile at her, eyes darting towards where Steve disappeared from then back to her.

Bucky re-emerges only a few moments later, shaking his head at Natasha when she gives him a quizzical look.

You turn to Wanda with a strained smile.

“Could you just watch Sarah for a minute? And make sure she has something to eat? The foods ready.” She nods, watching with sad eyes as you walk back into the house to see what’s wrong with Steve.

“Steve?” You call softly, looking around for him only to find him sitting on the couch in the living room, his face in his hands.

“Why can’t I have what I want?” His question catches you off guard and you move to stand in front of him.

He shakes his head sadly, pulling his hands off of his face to grab yours, holding them tightly.

His lips brush over your knuckles gently, before he presses the back of your hands against his forehead, dropping his gaze to the floor.

“This isn’t right.”

Your heart races in your chest, stomach tying in knots as you try to figure out what he’s talking about.

“What are you talking about? Is everything okay? Did... did I do something wrong?” Maybe you shouldn’t have talked to Pepper earlier. Maybe you should’ve just stayed quiet and smiled.

“I can’t keep you here.”

One sentence. Five words. Sixteen letters.

That’s all it takes to have your heart stuttering.

“What... what do you mean you can’t keep me here?” You try your hardest not to let your hopes get too high. Maybe he’s going to kill you. Maybe that’s what it is. It’s certainly something more up his alley than... the alternative.

He slowly raises his head, teary red eyes staring up into yours. 

“You know what I mean.”

You shake your head, needing to hear him say it himself.

“What are you saying, Steve?”

He lets out a heavy sigh and closes his eyes, the words hurting him but he needs to say them.

“You're free to go. You and Sarah.”

The breath gets knocked from your lungs, eyes wide as tears start to blossom. This is a trap. A test. It has to be. There’s no way...

“You’re letting us go?” You ask softly.

He sighs again, nodding as tears find their way down his cheeks.

“Yeah... I guess I am.”

You’re silent, staring at him and waiting for him to tell you it’s a joke, to punish you. But he doesn’t. No, instead he lets go of one of your hands and stands up, his chest almost brushing yours.

“You said I don’t love you... but I do. I love you. Or maybe I love the idea of you, I don’t know. But either way... I hate how sad you are. How sad and afraid I make you. You're free to go wherever you want.”

You’re practically hyperventilating.

After all this time, you never truly thought he’d ever let you go. That he’d have even a shred of decency left inside him.

He cups your hands together and carefully places something inside them, then turns and walks to the front door, grabbing his keys and leaving the house.

You stand silently, staring at the object in your hands until standing becomes too hard and you think you may throw up.

Then you sit down, silent tears trekking down your cheeks.

“(Y/n)?” You’re not sure how long you’ve been sitting on the couch, staring at your hands, but Natasha’s voice pulls you from your thoughts.

“(Y/n), are you okay? Where’s Steve?”

You stare up at her then look back down at the tiny, life-changing object in your hands.

“He let us go,” you whisper, your glossy eyes raising to hers again.

She looks half as shocked as you feel.

“What?”

You sniffle then wipe the tears off of your cheeks.

“He’s letting us go,” you repeat, pushing yourself to your feet and holding your bump.

“Really?” You nod, eyes finding the backyard through the kitchen window.

Sarah and Morgan are playing outside with Sam and Wanda.

“What are you gonna do?”

Your heart is so full of confusion, full of pain and hurt.

“I’m gonna go cut the cake, then have a talk with Sarah.” She nods, a small smile on her face.

She heads back outside and you take a few deep breaths, trying to calm down before you go out and face Steve’s friends.

You toy with the dainty thing he dropped in your hands before nodding to yourself.

This is what’s right. It’s the right choice for both of you.

You entertain his guests for a few more hours, not wanting to clue them into anything in case they disagree with your decision, with Steve’s.

Only after the presents are given and the cake is almost completely devoured do they finally start to leave.

Wanda helps you tidy up the backyard, writing her phone number down with a soft smile and a whispered ‘if you ever need a friend’.

Everyone bids you goodbye until only Bucky and Nat are left, the metal-armed soldier staring intently at your left hand before a smile spreads across his face.

He surprises you, pulling you into a gentle hug and nodding his head.

“Congratulations, (Y/n).” You’re not sure what he’s talking about, but for some reason, you don’t think it has anything to do with the baby shower.

They leave too, and then you’re virtually alone, Sarah and Morgan asleep upstairs.

After cleaning up every last inch of the house, you head upstairs to go to sleep.

Steve isn’t home until after midnight, long after he lets his tears run dry and his heart stop shattering. It just aches now. Hurts.

He let you go. He really did it.

Deep down he knew this would be the outcome. Either this or your death, but he never wanted to accept it. Refused to admit it to himself.

But seeing Wanda... after all that she’s been through... and she’s still standing strong.

He takes his shoes off and drops his keys on the kitchen counter, freezing in his tracks when he sees the covered plate of cake with his name written on it.

The batter is blue.

A boy.

He’s gonna have a son.

A son that he’ll never get to meet. He’s given you freedom, and he doubts you’ll let him be a part of your child’s life after all that he’s put you through.

He slowly makes his way upstairs, his heart hurting when he sees no sign of your things in the pristine house.

When he pushes open the bedroom door he freezes in his tracks.

There you are, sleeping in his bed. No bags are packed, nothing is out of place, and the dainty diamond ring sits on your finger.

You’ve made your choice, he realizes, his heart jumping for joy in his chest.

He sheds his clothes then climbs into bed with you, wrapping you up in his arms and sighing heavily.

Maybe Wanda was wrong.

Maybe he’ll get his happy ending after all.

[lvnatiq]

Random Relationship Headcanons | Felix Escellun x gn!reader

a/n: Hey ! On todays menu I am serving you modern au relationship headcanons. I know for a fact that I can’t write headcanons AT ALL yet here we are, out of spite I will keep trying until I can manage to write good shit. I’m going through a chaotic time in my life so please be patient with me 😭

I’m currently working on tattoo artist! reader x Felix headcanons and college!enemies to lovers one-shot. Knowing that Felix’s fav trope is enemies to lovers, I will post it hopefully before his new chapter drops. I used most of the hcs that were sent to me but if you couldn’t see yours, then it will probably be used on the other works.

No beta we die like men.

warnings: curse words, nsfw under the cut, random sage moments, felix being a ‘the neighborhood’ song basically.

You persuade him to start an Instagram account, and because of his family's popularity, he quickly gains followers. His account is practically empty because he would rather spend his time stalking your account on Instagram. You noticed the emptiness and wanted to take him out and take some photos for his account, which turned out amazingly. He is a little camera shy, so be patient with him.

You like to watch him apply his eyeliner but he finds it so stressing to do under your gaze.  He used to be able to do it easily, but it has now become one of his most difficult tasks. You wanted to ask for his assistance in applying eyeliner to you in the hopes of making it simpler for him; he agreed but quickly regretted it when he realized how near your faces would be. You with your eyes closed, waiting for him to drag the line as he was only thinking about how bad he wanted to kiss you. 

Felix has a Polaroid of you and stella in his wallet I said what I said.

When it comes to himself, he can be a pessimist, but when it comes to you, he is the most loving and positive boyfriend you could ever ask for. You have a dream ? He is ready to help you achieve it. Do you want to change in your life ? Go for it, He’s more excited than you are.

He can be quite insecure at times when it comes to your relationship because he feels like you deserve the world but the world is too big for his tiny hands. Will his cuddles be enough ? God he hopes so.

He almost cried when you told him you loved him for the first time. He's also baffled as to how you might feel the same way about him.

Drunk Felix is really clingy and honest. Whatever he can’t say sober drunk felix can and definitely will.

“May the stars let my death be between your glorious thighs amen-“ “Felix-”

Felix is weird but it add to his charm. It’s not unusual for you to wake up in the middle of the night and find the pillow besides yours empty. In the dead of night, you will find Felix munching on some weird ass food combinations.

He also has a habit of doing things that are extremely adorable without even noticing it. Like walking around the house in his oversized shirts, his hand clutching at the cuffs whilst the other one sheepishly rubs his eye.

“Can I lay on your lap ? I promise I won’t fall asleep. I just need to rest for a little.” His voice is so soft and hushed. “Of course, come here.” He throws himself onto you as he comes hopping on his tip toes.

He falls asleep on his desk too often, so you have to carry him back to his room, where he snuggles against you while you lead him there. Once he's in his room, he insists that you stay with him, so you wait until he falls asleep as you play with his hair, and he wakes up thinking it was all a dream.

I firmly believe that Felix’s love language is acts of service. Like making you coffee and bringing you random snacks as you work or wrapping you up in fluffy blankets whenever he catches you slacking on the couch.

He's been romanticizing anything and everything since he met you. When he sees beautiful flowers, he wants to bring them to you, but he also believes that their beauty stems from the fact that they are alive, so he argues and stresses a lot when deciding what to do in simple situations like these.

His edginess belongs to his impulsiveness and his style only at any other situation he's a complete softboy.

And I'm certain he knows a variety of card tricks. He enjoys showing off, and he enjoys it even more when you become fascinated and beg him to share the trick.

If you're a morning person, you'll probably spend your mornings alone in solitude, finishing work before the day begins, but if you're a night owl, you and Felix will go out for night walks and Felix would go out for night walks, sharing headphones to play some music, enjoy each others presence and develop a habit of watching the sunrise together.

Felix makes you playlists at the most random times and with the most random names. Until one day he sent you a playlist at around 4 a.m called “you”, filled with his favorite music. He usually sees music as a safe space for himself and now that you are his safe place too it’s only appropriate for him to do so. This only further proves how he spends his time thinking about you.

I feel like Felix would have what most would call "attachment issues" but it’s mainly because of his protective tendencies. This is not to say that he’s this "overly jealous toxic" character; rather, he has never had anyone to truly call his own in his entire life so he would do anything to protect it.

Felix is also big on astrology, so if you want the perfect birth chart, he'll give it to you. Also he owns a lovely deck of tarot cards, and if you ask him for a love reading, he can't manage to keep his words and feelings to himself so he modifies your reading according to him and his desires. Let the boy abuse his powers for the sake of love.

His style could be described as dark academia, his wardrobe mainly consists of dark colors, lots and lots of blazers and a lot of oversized shirts. He also loves jewelry so he owns a lot of rings and chains. Just so you know, if you're wearing any of his rings, his heart is doing cartwheels.

Is it obvious that he loves it when you place your hand in his and play with his rings with your fingertips.

Spoil him. Buy him that baby blue hoodie with cat ears.

“Ah, you look adorable.” “Isn’t it a bit too b-big ?” “You could say that. Do you mind ?” “No, I like it that way.” “I would know.” You smirk followed by felix’s gasp. “If you so desperately wanted a cat boy you know you have me right ?” Nudging your shoulder, Sage leapt into the conversation. “What is he talking about ?”  Felix grumbled, only to notice two fuzzy triangular fabrics on top of his head as he brushed his fingertips over it.

He’s obsessed with your hands, kissing your knuckles, drawing circles in your palm. At a certain point it became an involuntary gesture he does it quite often without realizing.

He’s also canonically extremely blushy but he would never admit it. You’re convinced he uses some sort of make up because it is not possible for the pink dusting his cheeks to look this good.

He insists that you’re cold even in the warmest weathers because he wants to see you in his coat.

Sage forces Felix to take his thirst trap Tiktoks.

He really appreciates it when you add to his herbal tea collection without him noticing and he considers it a sign of affection because he takes his tea very seriously.

He loses it when you call him baby he gets flustered and frustrated but it’s all because it rolls off of your tongue so nicely that he can’t get enough of it.

Felix owns a broad collection of scented lip balms some of them are tinted. You didn’t hear this from me.

He never once took anything the Sage says seriously until he saw how well you two got along. He never thought that he would be standing there taking relationship and flirting advice from the frat boy.

Felix is a complete asshole when he wants to. He’s very verbal about it too. Consistent sarcastic remarks and eye rolls. I mean it runs in his blood, look at Escell.

You love it when he suddenly whips out the confident Felix, it’s not a daily occurrence you know.

When Felix is concentrated, he’s lost and there’s almost no way you or anything else can distract him. So it’s time to grab some colorful hair clips and ties to fuck around with his hair.

Felix is not the best at verbally expressing his gratitude towards you. He doesn’t know what he would do if you weren’t there for him at the lowest points of his life where normally he would close himself and bare the weight of his family problems and personal life issues that he can’t seem to get out of. Now he has you, someone who’s willing to listen to him and offer him a warm embrace when he needs the most. 

While you to play games together, when he wins he wears that iconic shit eating grin of his with pride looking at you through the corner of his eye. “Shit, what do you want me to say to that felix ? Perhaps I should call you master now that you won ‘one’ fucking round.” He is praying that the screen light is covering the fact that he is a blushy mess after hearing you say that.

NSFW

I cannot stress this enough but he is extremely vocal in bed. Whining, trying to restrict himself from making too much noise but failing miserably.

Muffled pants, choked sobs and lots of pleasure infused tears.

He loves getting praised during sex but what he loves more is to get praised after it’s all over. Like you telling him how great he was, how well he behaved, how good he made you feel. He experiences sub drops a lot so please assure him that he did well :(

He’s into power-play but not in a submissive or dominant kind of relationship, it’s more of a psychological thing where the fact that he can see how good he makes you feel gives him a rush of confidence and adrenaline.

I believe that this motherfucker is a masochist, pain makes him more excited than getting an update on his favorite author who went on a year long hiatus and that is saying a lot.

Bite him. Scratch him. It is so stimulating for him he can reach his high just from those actions.

Fuck do anything to his ears bite, lick, pull, blow on it. He is extremely sensitive so anything you do will basically drive him out of his mind. It will most definitely lead to him trembling beneath your fingertips.

You must think that you are the only one who is such a tease but you’re wrong. Felix teases you quite often mostly to direct your attention towards him or to keep your attention on him. He’s quite greedy when it comes to you and your hands on his body. Unbuttoning unnecessary amount of buttons on his shirt to show a little skin that he knows you’ll notice. Playing with his necklace placing the chain between his lips dragging it towards the inside of his bottom lip teasing the metallic charm with the tip of his tongue. He definitely ain’t oblivious he knows exactly what he’s doing and he makes sure that you know exactly what he’s doing.

When he’s in the mood he will tug the hem of your top meanwhile his eyes are glued to the floor or graze the temples of his glasses between his lips, his teeth lightly nibbling the pointy edge. He loves to play dumb too. When you question him, he acts like he doesn’t intend anything and that you need to get your head out of the gutter.

At the end of the session Felix looks divine. Drool leaking down from his bottom lip to his jaw line towards his neck, his bangs sticking on his sweat coated forehead, his chest rising up and down quickly. His eyes rolled at the back of his head, his hands still clutching tightly to the sheets. Faint whimpers and deep breaths filling the air.

Leading up to the after care, his shy self returns. He buries his face to your chest hiding his blushy cheeks beneath the palms of his hands.

He likes to experiment a lot and you are his favorite subject.

It shouldn’t be surprising to find random kink definitions or role-play ideas on the search history of your laptop. After all Felix just asked for it to write an email, that’s all there is to it. That’s until you offer to try them out.

He doesn’t act upon his jealousy, what he does instead is that leaving marks on you especially around your neck and your chest where he knows it will show. Don’t cover them up if you don’t wanna deal with him.

“People just don’t appreciate art anymore.” “Felix these are, hickeys.” “Oh so now you are judging my art medium ?” “Since when proving Sage that I got railed by you is a form of art ?”

I didn’t see anyone point this out but whenever he is in the sub space he tends to be more on the bratty side. He starts of shy but his confidence builds up as the tension rises. Meaning that you should be ready to get your patience tested.

When you two are in separate places your suggestive words and tone leads up to phone sex, which Felix secretly fantasized about a lot. What made everything even more dirty was the fact that you didn’t know that he was laying on your bed surrounded by your scent and humping your pillow. Once you come back home you are greeted with a fresh pair of sheets on your bed. Apparently Felix decided to do you a favor and clean your room as well as the the whole house. He’s crossing fingers that you don’t notice because he knows that he’ll never hear the end of it.

Felix knows a lot about sex but his knowledge is based upon fiction rather than experience. So, naturally, he is more interested about learning specifically how your body responds to certain actions, what you enjoy and what you’re interested in so teach him. He’s a good student and oh well he’s a quick learner.

Pull his hair pull his hair put his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair.

When he settles between your legs as he ties his hair, he places the hairband between his lips and looks up at you with half lidded eyes. It’s his definition of torture.

Even though he doesn’t give off that vibe, he is very freaky if you would’ve known what his AO3 tags consisted of you would agree.

Tag list is open

[tunafishprincess]

Spirited Away Au Snippet

While the rest of the spirits were only just beginning to wake up, Deku was finishinghis last delivery for the evening. Or rather, he was supposed to. Transparent phantoms appeared in the periphery of his vision, alerting him of how much time had passed.

Just one more, he thought grimly, determined to complete the task.

This would have been so much easier if his body had not betrayed him this morning. It was doing that a lot more often as of late, much to his consternation.

He wasn’t stupid. Deku knew the consequences that came with eating food of the spirit realm. His changing body was a testament to that. The alternative was being forgotten (which Deku considered was the kiddy version adults use to explain disappearing into nothingness) and Deku quite preferred living, thank you very much.

The initial fear he held had long given way to exasperation with the situation. Heightened senses were alright. His increased appetite was manageable. The horns were itchy when they came in, but tolerable. He didn’t even see them most of the time, both hidden beneath curly locks.

He glared down at the culprit. It shifted restlessly, a perfect reflection of his mood.

A tail. A bloody tail. Waking up to the sight had been a shock. His balance, already a subject of jokes among the bathhouse workers, was greatly affected to the point that even walking took mental effort. Toshinori, bless him, helped cut some trousers for him to wear, but it still took him twice as long as normal to do his job, thanks in part to the tourists.

He swears the witch must have put a magical sign on his back. As the day dragged on more and more spirits popped out of the shadows to brush a hand or feather or claw down the serpentine limb as if he were some sort of luck charm. He knew river dragons were popular with spirits, but he never expected they would be coming to him.

The pearlescent scales seemed alive, shimmering under the sunset’s fading light. A trail of dark green fur ran down between them, ending at the tip with a ball of hair not unlike the one on his head. Deku buried his face in his hands. This was the worst.

Slimy cold fingers touched the base of his tail, shaking him out of his train of thought. Deku gave a full-body shudder, goosebumps riding up his arms. His face flushed, his tolerance of the nonconsensual touching reaching an all-time high. It reminded him too much of his last school’s bullies.

What could he do though? He worked for the bathhouse. The witch would have his head if he yelled at one of the guests. Sweat trickled down his brow as anxiety settled in his stomach. He could even be fired. He finally looked around, staring down at the perpetrator.

Oh sweet kami, it was a family of kappa. The biggest kappa, the one Deku presumed was the father, was gesturing for his younglings to come and touch the magical appendage like he were Disney character performer. The children were at least more bashful. In fact, they looked terrified. All of them did now, the father Kappa dropping his hold.

Well, well, well, he inwardly remarked, thought you could get away with it, didn’t you?

Alas, it was not he who scared them off, Deku soon discovered. Almost immediately he noticed a heavy shadow, its size increasing with every step its welder took. The family of Kappas froze, the oldest white as a sheet.

“Run along now,” a deep patronizing voice stated. “I suggest you don’t touch what’s not yours, otherwise, your luck might run out next time.”

The Kappas scampered off. They weren’t the only ones. Any lingering spirits suddenly found themselves busy, abandoning the street until he and the worst dragon he could have come across were the last ones left.

“Lord All Rivers in One,” Deku addressed coldly.

“Please, enough of the formality. Call me papa,” the dragon remarked, red eyes scanning the child up and down, his own tail swishing beneath the folds of his rich fabrics.

The boy pointedly chose to ignore the request. Instead, he stated plainly, “You didn’t have to do that. I can handle myself just fine.”

The man bent down. Even kneeling to one knee he towered over Deku. His claw-tipped fingers came to rest on his jaw. “Really now? Is that what ‘just fine’ is these days for you younglings?”

“None of your business. Anyways, I have work to do,” Deku stated, twirling around with his bag in hand. Sadly, his tail did not follow through with the movement. He tripped, falling face first and losing any remaining dignity he had.

Tears prickled his eyes. Stupid tail. Stupid dragon. He discreetly wiped them away as he got back up. Bag in hand, he tried to stomp off (albeit awkwardly).

“You know…” The dragon began. “I think I have a solution to this problem of yours.”

Deku stopped in his tracks. He tilted his head, suspicion in his guarded gaze. “Explain.”

He motioned for the boy, fangs peeking out from his widening smile. “Come here. You’ve been walking wrong all day today. It’s time you had some lessons.”

“Just tell me what I need to do.”

“It cannot be explained in mere words. If it could be I imagine that mutt would have helped you. But he can’t. I can.” His eyes glittered like rubies. “Let me assist you, from one dragon to another.”

“I’m not a dragon,” he grumbled but complied, too desperate to do otherwise.

A large warm hand pressed against his back, gently positioning him while the other rested on his sternum. “The tail of a dragon holds more weight than that of a mere wolf or other common beast. It is an extension of our being. Lean forward here, it will tire your back muscles for now but you’ll get used to it,” he explained.

“The weights gone,” the boy whispered.

“No, just redistributed,” All Rivers in One answered. “ Now, if you’re catching the tail on things or going down those crowded narrow streets, you’ll need to wrap it.”

He lifted a brow. “Wrap my tail? With what? Cloth?”

“No, no,” he barked a laugh, his tail lifting up from behind him. “Like this.” Within moments he wrapped the tail around his waist, fitting the end up and over like a sash.

That...was a pretty good idea actually. Deku copied the movement. It wasn’t as nice looking as the other’s, the young boy stuffing the end into his belt, but it did the job.

Deku bit on his bottom lip. All Rivers in One always seemed to have a hidden agenda but this time he had been relatively helpful. Maybe Deku was wrong about him? The dragon smirked; Deku frowned. Well, perhaps he wasn’t completely wrong about him.

Giving a deep bow of respect, he said, “Thank you, Lord All—Lord Shigaraki.” and left it at that, leaving for his last delivery before his night job at the bathhouse.

The dragon lord waved his hand at the disappearing figure. Once the dragonling was out of earshot, his smile stretched even larger, a soft purr leaving his mouth. The scant remaining good part of him wondered whether he should have told the boy only hatchlings tied their tails around their waists like that, but the vast majority of All Rivers in One relished seeing his little Stream acting childish instead of that boorish adult facade he tried to imitate.

It won’t last for much longer, he thought with a dark smile, getting up from the ground and turning into one of the alleys, back for his villa so he could finish preparations. The boy’s humanity was nearly gone. Sources told him the boy had already forgotten his last name. All lovely news in the dragon’s book.

The young hatchling’s days were numbered at that bathhouse. He would have both his wife and son in his arms soon enough. His tail flicked back and forth excitedly. He just had to be patient.

[iamwhoami]

Are You With Me (Grey’s Anatomy)

Grey’s Anatomy

   When Y/N unexpectedly find out that she’s expecting, she suddenly finds herself having to figure out how to tell Jackson.

Warnings: Pregnancy???

Requested = Yes

“No...no, please no,” You whispered quietly as you stared at the stick in your hand.

   You were starting to lose hope that the first one you took was a false positive.

   It had all started a few weeks ago actually when you missed your period. That didn’t really alarm you since you were never regular and plus with all the stress that was on you right now, you figured that those were just the reasons. 

   Then, you started getting sick. Feeling nauseous, throwing up...all that fun stuff. 

But only in the morning. 

   Even then, you kept brushing it off, telling yourself that you had probably caught a stomach bug from a patient.

   It was the one and only Arizona Robbins that forced you to grab a pregnancy test (or two) from the pharmacy.

   So now here you were, locked in the bathroom in your apartment with three positive pregnancy tests. 

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

   You and Jackson hadn’t even started talking about kids and now you had to tell him you weren’t just thinking about having kids in the future, you were having one now.

This couldn’t be happening.

   You were deep in your swirling thoughts when your phone suddenly went off and you looked over to see a text message from Jackson.

Hey, do you wanna come over? I’ve made dinner for two...

   Did you? Not really. But at some point you’d have to tell him right? You quickly texted him back saying that you were leaving now

   Sighing, you decided to shove one of the pregnancy tests into your purse along with your phone before grabbing your coat and heading over to Jackson’s.

~~~

“Hey!” Jackson’s smiling face greeted you as he opened the door. “Come in!”

   You walked in and shook off your coat before hanging it up. Usually, it felt more casual but today you couldn’t help but feel out of place.

“I made fettuccine alfredo,” Jackson said, not noticing your tense body language, “Do you want some?”

   You swallowed, “Yeah, sure. That sounds good.”

   You took a seat on one of the bar stools at the island and Jackson soon placed a plate filled with a generous amount of pasta on it. He then helped himself to a plate and took a seat on one of the stools next to you.

   Normally, you would have finished the pasta in seconds, but your stomach was too nervous to have any sort of appetite so the best you could do was a few bites before you ended up playing with the food on your plate.

“Is everything okay?” Jackson asked, now noticing your strange behaviour. 

   This might have been a good time to tell him but you couldn’t bring yourself to do it.

“Yeah, just a long day you know,” You replied, not completely lying. 

   It had been a long day but that wasn’t why you were acting different. 

   Jackson nodded, “It was a long day, do you want something to drink? Wine?”

“No,” You quickly declined, earning a strange look from Jackson. 

You had to think quickly to prevent any suspicions. 

“I think maybe I caught a bug or something from someone,” You explained, “I don’t think wine’ll make me feel any better.”

   Jackson nodded and for now, it looked like you were able to steer clear of the topic. 

   The rest of the dinner, you and Jackson talked about all the patients the two of you treated earlier in the day. By time he had finished, you had still barely touched your plate. 

   You knew he was concerned about that but he didn’t ask about it, much to your relief. 

   Before he could invite you to stay over, to quickly came up with a lame excuse about forgetting to your laundry in one of the machines in the apartment laundry room and thanked him for dinner.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” You told him.

   Jackson nodded, “Yeah, see you.”

~~~

   Okay, you were going to admit it. You were avoiding Jackson and there was no way around that.

   He had texted you last night once you got home and when you didn’t reply, he had called you multiple times though every time you just let the phone ring until it stopped by itself.

   When you had gotten to the hospital the next morning for your shift, you spotted Jackson talking to a nurse at the front desk and made a quick beeline for the hall that lead in the opposite direction. 

   While Jackson had specialized in Plastics, you specialized in Peds after realizing that there was just something special about working with kids. 

“Hey! Look who made it!” Arizona greeted you as she watched you start to go through the charts of the patients you had to see today.

   You sighed, “Yeah, I made it all right.”

“So what did the test say?” Arizona pried. 

   You knew what she was talking about but you played dumb anyway.

“What test?”

“You know what I mean,” Arizona said and you swallowed hard, trying to keep your eyes that were now slowly filling with tears on the charts.

   Arizona noticed your tears and quickly placed a hand on your shoulder. You didn’t need to say anything for her to know your answer to her previous question. 

“Have you told Jackson yet?” She asked you softly.

   You shook your head, “I was going to last night, he invited me over to dinner, but I chickened out.”

“You should tell him,” Arizona told you, “The sooner he knows, the better.”

“I know, I know,” You said, “And it’s not like I don’t want to tell him because I do. I want him to know.”

   Arizona nodded understandingly, “But you’re scared.”

   You scoffed, “More like terrified. I’m pretty much dropping a bombshell on him.”

“Well, my advice would be to just tell him,” Arizona said, “Get it over with.”

Both of you knew though that it was much easier said than done. 

“Yeah...okay,” You took a deep breath, “After shift, I’ll tell him, but right now, I have to check on Tracy Jenkins. It looks like she took a turn for the worst overnight.”

“Okay, yes, good luck!” Arizona told you before you hurried off.

~~~

   After a very long, exhausting, and horrible shift, you collapsed on one of the beds in the on call room. 

Today had been an awful day.

   Tracy Jenkins ended up coding and you weren’t able to restart her heart. She was eight years old. 

It wasn’t just Tracy though.

   Little Billy, born premature five days ago, had caught an infection and was now in critical condition. 

   Sixteen year old Molly Thompson was walking home from school when she was hit by a car. The driver was drunk. 

   She was still alive, but she was currently facing the possibility of paralysis while everyone waited for her to wake up from surgery.  

   You heard the door open before Jackson’s face suddenly loomed over you. 

“Long day huh,” He commented as he took a seat next to you.

“More like a rough day,” You groaned.

“Yeah...same,” Jackson sighed and you sat up.

   You were exhausted and felt like crap but you had said you were going to tell Jackson the news after shift and you didn’t plan on chickening out this time so...

“We need to talk,” Jackson said before you could say anything though.

   You nodded, “You’re right. We do.”

“I don’t know what I did,” Jackson kept going, “I keep racking my brain for anything I could have done but I can’t think of anything-”

“Jackson, stop,” You cut him off, “You didn’t do anything.”

“Then what’s wrong? And don’t tell me nothing’s wrong Y/N because you know I know something’s wrong,” Jackson raised his eyebrows. 

   You took a deep breath, “Jackson, I’m pregnant.”

Silence.

“You’re...” Jackson’s voice faltered.

   You nodded, “I’m pregnant.”

“Okay...well...” Jackson seemed to be at a lost of words, “Maybe it was a false positive?”

“Maybe,” You bit your lip, “But I took three and they were all positive so unless I got three false positives...”

“Which is very unlikely,” Jackson said.

   You swallowed, “Yes. Which is very unlikely, but, I haven’t actually gotten any blood drawn or anything.”

More silence.

“Jackson, I need you to say something,” You finally told him, “I need you to say how you feel about this.”

“I mean,” Jackson put his hand on his head, “You just told me you were pregnant, I’m still comprehending things.”

   You sighed, “I’ll put it differently then. Are you with me or not?”

“Of course I’m with you,” Jackson quickly took his hand off his head and placed it on your hand instead, “I’m not leaving you, not now, not when you need me the most.”

   At those words, you burst into tears, not able to keep your composure any longer. 

“Hey...hey,” Jackson said softly as he scooted closer towards you, “It’s okay. We’ll figure things out.”

“I was going to tell you last night,” You spoke between your sobs, “But I got cold feet. I’m sorry.”

   Jackson wrapped an arm around your shoulder, “It’s okay. I’m just glad you told me.”

“I was scared,” You admitted, “I’m still scared.”

“You know what? So am I,” Jackson whispered, “But we’re gonna take this one day at a time. Together.”

You nodded and buried your face into his chest. 

“Does anybody else know?” Jackson asked you as he started stroking your hair. 

   You nodded again, “Only Arizona. She was the one who told me I should take a pregnancy test.”

“I think we should talk to her again,” Jackson said, “Get some blood drawn to see if those tests were right and then if they were, get an ultrasound done. You know, to check on our little bean.”

   You smiled, “Our little bean?”

“Well, little bean probably does exist so they need some sort of name,” Jackson explained, blushing a little. 

“Okay well...we’ll do what you just said in a little bit,” You agreed, “But I just need a moment with you.”

   Jackson opened his mouth to say something but before he got the chance, your pager went off and you quickly picked it up.

“Molly Thompson’s waking up,” You said and started getting up, “I need to be there.”

“Yeah of course,” Jackson replied, “I’ll meet you on the OB floor then when you’re done.”

   You nodded, “Sounds good.”

   You left the on call room feeling as if all the weight had just been lifted off your shoulders and you could now breathe again.

Everything was going to be okay.