#IT SHOULD BE VERY NORMAL TO NOT TELL PATIENTS TO LOSE WEIGHT IT SHOULD BE VERY NORMAL TO DISCOURAGE MALNUTRITION

[some-teeth-in-a-trench-coat]

Today I heard a medical professional casually mention that I "of course shouldn't lose weight" (and I'm like. kinda fat by fatphobic standards although I would just call it "pretty average"). Thank you normal and sensible people reminding me not everything is the sort of hell that I see Americans talk about on tumblr.

[findingmypeace]

I want to be preoccupied by my eating disorder. I want to focus on the number getting smaller. I want that sense of accomplishment. That sense of achievement.

It doesn’t work anymore. I could exist on air and still gain weight. Something is wrong with my body but nobody believes me. 5 different doctors have offered me weight loss injections instead. When I finally agreed to try it my insurance wouldn’t cover it. Instead of trying a million different specialist doctors let’s try making a list.

Symptoms include: hair loss, forgetfulness and brain fog, chin hair, loss of coordination, stretch marks from rapid weight gain, all that weight going to my stomach/hips, being unable to lose weight, my skin has changed (white and dark spots, almost like freckles but some are white), constant fatigue.

That’s what I can think of right now. The most distressing is the weight gain/inability to lose weight and brain fog. What am I supposed to do? ALL tests have come back normal. Neurology told me there is no problems with my memory. Endocrinology told me nothing is wrong with my hormones other than the hypothyroidism which is already being treated. Labs are back to normal after a year of abnormal ed related labs. Cardiology told me everything looks great. The only other thing to look into is seeing a GI doctor on July 5th.

Nothing is wrong. That’s great, right? Then why are these things happening? Is it all attributed to the eating disorder and hypothyroidism? What if I was misdiagnosed with hypothyroidism? The doctor who diagnosed me never explained anything to me or monitored my TSH. For years. Just gave me an ongoing prescription for levothyroxine and sent me on my way. Never mentioned again, eventually leading to a TSH value of less than 8th of what it should be. Is this all a side effect of that? That was over a year ago and things have long since been corrected.

Is it because 30 years of an eating disorder killed my metabolism beyond repair? I gained weight so quickly on the lowest meal plan that my treatment team in php/iop were all convinced I was lying to them about binging and diagnosed me with binge eating disorder. “The numbers don’t add up” My eating disorder felt (and still feels) like that was proof that eating and keeping food down is bad. I’ve been told many times (by ed providers) that I can lose weight if I want but I can’t use ed behaviors. I had a nurse practitioner who specializes in treating the medical side of eating disorders tell me that if I kept eating the way I was I would continue to gain weight. She then wrote how much weight I had gained in 3 days and in 2 weeks on my visit notes posted on the patient portal.

I don’t trust doctors anymore. They just tell me to lose weight yet I’m practically killing myself to do just that but with no progress. What used to work doesn’t work anymore. So try something different, right? Nope, doesn’t work. 6 months in treatment, doing the best I can to follow a meal plan (but still struggling) caused such a rapid amount of weight gain that apparently I have binge eating disorder.

My body is broken. It’s out of control. It’s wrong. But nothing is wrong. There is no actual answer so there is no fix. I guess this is just how things will be but with a side of shame, disgust, and self-hatred that is only reinforced by the very people who are supposed to give me answers (doctors).

[shaftking]

>It will never not baffle me how hard society tries to insist that fatness is an abnormality.

It is abnormal. The human body was never meant to be obese. It was never meant to carry massive amounts of excess weight, much less upwards of a hundred extra pounds of it. It’s not insisting on something completely outlandish, it is a simple observation. No one was meant to be 300+ lbs. No one.

>The average western woman wears plus size clothing. One of the smallest garments on the scale is called a medium.

Just because the average person is overweight or obese does not mean that being overweight or obese is normal. The fact that people are considerably larger on average than they were only fourty years ago should tell you something. The general population has gotten more obese since the 1980s. Pointing to clothing sizes does not actually refute the argument that the growing number of obese people is a concern. Especially with the rise of vanity sizing, where clothing sizes today are equal in measure to much larger labeled sizes in past decades.

>Most people with anorexia are in the overweight bmi category, yet somehow that's known as "atypical anorexia".

Most people with anorexia are not overweight. One of the literal criteria for anorexia is a low body weight and a fear of gaining weight. Because when you are starving you lose weight. Shocking. Atypical anorexia is called atypical because while it lacks the underweight requirement, the patient still has experienced rapid weight loss as a result of severe food restriction.

This is really such an insane thing to lie about that is easily disproven by common knowledge or simple google search of the conditions diagnostic criteria.

If you really gave a fuck about people with EDs you would stop trying to coopt the struggles of people with anorexia and destigmatize getting help for people with BED, NES, and EDNOS which are far more common and far more likely to effect overweight and obese individuals than AN or BN.

>Fatness is often labeled the cause of a number of diseases, but there are literally no diseases exclusive to fat bodies.

Because it is. Being obese can cause motor issues in the joints as a direct result of the excess weight. It can cause fatty heart and fatty liver. It can causes hormonal problems because visceral fat is hormonally active. It results in an increased risk of heart disease and diabetes. It increases one’s risk of multiple types of cancers, including reproductive cancers.

This is literally like saying that people should just continue to smoke cigarettes because people who don’t smoke also get lung cancer. We know people who don’t smoke get lung cancer, but the risk is much higher and people who otherwise would not have gotten lung cancer are 15 to 30 times more likely to get it if they are smokers.

>Looking at movies and television, you'd think the world was 98% thin people. It's not.

I hate the use of obfuscated terms like thin and fat in these conversations because it’s entirely subjective. This is why fat activists hate terms like obese and morbidity obese, because they can actually be measured and defined. What is considered fat or thin in one culture, community, group, etc could easily be vastly different from another. Like someone could be considered hugely fat while they live in LA but move to Georgia and be considered very thin. The same for western vs Asian countries.

According to the WHO, adult overweight and obesity has risen from 25% in 1990 to 43% in 2022. Nearly doubled. Meaning, no, the “thin” population is not 98%, but 57%. But that’s not a diversity win, that is a huge cause for concern.

It will never not baffle me how hard society tries to insist that fatness is an abnormality. The average western woman wears plus size clothing. One of the smallest garments on the scale is called a medium. Most people with anorexia are in the overweight bmi category, yet somehow that's known as "atypical anorexia". Fatness is often labeled the cause of a number of diseases, but there are literally no diseases exclusive to fat bodies. Looking at movies and television, you'd think the world was 98% thin people. It's not.

My point isn't that if it was pretty rare to be fat, fatphobia would be okay. Of course not.

My point is that we're surrounded by all these artificial indicators that fatness is unnatural and uncommon and it's just not true?? Humans are not always thin and we've never all been thin and we're not all meant to be thin. Fat humans are a normal type of human. Fatness is a feature, not a bug.

[thasorns]

—

It’s one of those days where I wanna shout into the void that I’m not doing well… I stayed longer in Türkiye because my grandmother wasn’t doing well. She kept losing weight and didn’t have any appetite. We insisted a long time ago that she would go see a doctor but due to her negligence she didn’t. So this time we forced her to go. Turns out she has many inflammations in her body, a wound in her stomach and her pulse is very low. We made an appointment at a cardiologist to get it checked out. She got two different (strong) antibiotics to get the inflammation under control. For now she seems to do better and her appetite came back slowly. Let’s see what the results will be from her cardiologist. She might get a pacemaker. And well if that isn’t enough last Thursday my mother had an appointment and they drew some blood and afterwards she fell ill. She told me she felt weak… I can’t do much since I’m in Türkiye… I told her to rest and if she still feels this way she should call an ambulance. On the next day the doctor called and told her the results are not good and that she has an inflammation somewhere. The doctor himself called an ambulance… the inflammation comes from her heart… they can’t tell how it happened or where it comes from. When she got admitted to the hospital she had a fever and they couldn’t bring it down… they tried everything and luckily after two days it went down. She feels a bit better now and gets treated with antibiotics for her inflammation. Yet she still needs to be operated on because the inflammation attacked her heart valve… (she got an artificial heart valve during the pandemic and there were complications… let’s say I almost lost my mother. It was a difficult time for me and my family especially since no one could go visit her…) now they’re going to shock her tomorrow to stop her heart to see if her heart works and if not, she will get operated on immediately and if it works normal they’re going to wait until the inflammation is gone and then she will get a new heart valve.

To be honest I’m scared… there’s trauma in me from that time especially since I know that I almost lost my mother, her heart stopped for two minutes… I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t see her, hear her voice because she was in a coma for almost three weeks - this is the first time that I’m talking about this. I went through a difficult time… now to hear she’s at the hospital again to get a new heart valve scares me a lot and I’m still here and can’t visit her… luckily we talk a lot through WhatsApp. But I don’t know what will happen tomorrow and to know we probably won’t get any news ‘til she either wakes up or my aunt gets a call from the hospital that she will get her operation… And I can’t tell anyone about it because I don’t want to show my worries to my grandparents duh they’re her parents… they also worry a lot and they’re not the youngest ppl anymore. They themselves struggle with health. My grandfather is also a dialysis patient. I try to distract myself with my grandparents and care for them also study a lot but still there’s this uneasiness in me…

[nathank77]

6/5/24

6:44 p.m Added to Significantly/Edited

So I gained 3 pounds. Maybe I am Hypo. That's def evidence that I could be hypo. I'm now 180. I'm not too concerned about it. Idk if I'm hypo or not. I didn't change my diet or anything. So I mean it's totally possible that I'm hypo. I absolutely have a calorie deficiency..

I'm disappointed but if I'm hypo it just means I'm going into remission and I'll start losing weight again once we see the bloodwork.

I got to pick a date for that.

I'm trying to consider other symptoms. I mean, I'm pooping the same. I'm hungry a little less frequently... but it's not drastic. Sometimes ranging going 5-6 hours in between meals So idk.. sometimes I'm hungry in 4... it's confusing.

Maybe I should go on the 7th cause this is the first time I've gained weight since starting Methimazole. But I want to make sure when I go it picks up me in hypo... not normal... cause If I go early and they see I'm normal but my levels are less than before he will likely tell me to stick the course until next month so I got to really think about my symptoms.

I got seen for my Cysts and I talked to this other dr about my black stool. And they said they will talk to my Dr about my xanax tomorrow... cause technically today is the 15th day meaning I have a pill. She perscribed me doxy for my Cyst.. She said the black stool is only concerning if it keeps happening along with other symptoms.

I feel like I should email my Dr tonight about needing my xanax tomorrow. I prob will. Cause I'm getting worried. Tomorrow it is Thursday. Then it's Friday. And sometimes it takes them 3 days to respond to my email. I mean the person I mentioned it to will likely tell my Dr tomorrow but I can't pretend I'm the only patient so... it might not be high on the priority list. The email/refill request is easier for me and puts it into writing.

I'm worried but I'll try to stay calm. I'm actually okay...

I am annoyed by the wieght gain if I'm not Hypo I'm going to have to start eating less which I'm totally fine with. I haven't been getting very hungry......

To add to this- sure I'm cold sometimes but it's not like the freezing I was feeling a few days ago. I'm not getting super hot. I went out today my car was warm essentially the whole time cause I didn't have it running long inbetween stops. I sweat on my upper back and neck a little.

I mean maybe I'm falling asleep easier. I'll see tonight when I go back to the half MG.... the 3 nights before the 1mg it was pretty easy... but the nights before that it wasn't.

The weed being thrown in makes me more energetic but yea I would say before the weed I was feeling fatigued. Legathic.

I feel like if I smoke too much weed, I get tactiles for sure. I noticed it. I could make it move...

The visual have remained the same. Her followers changed in front of my eyes this morning when i was sober. I noticed if things, "worsen" it's temporary. Once the weed gets out of my system in a hour it goes back to normal. Anxiety included.

What do I think worsened? Tactile if I hit it like crazy. Not visuals. The hallucination seems louder but not really maybe more frequent is the word. Bo4 was tolerable but only bc i was high. Once I took away the weed it was intolerable to sit there trying to game while I hallucinated nonstop... so I mean idk.

Idk if it's more frequent or not. It's not actually louder. I can confirm the tactiles if I go wild smoking are def worse. Worse part is I could live like that if the stupid voice would die.

I mean for now I reserve judgement. I just know it elevates my mood. Making my shitty quality of life more tolerable and making me calmer to cope with the chaos.. I get moments of silence regardless of the weed or not. It always comes back if I think about it I make it happen.... and I can't stop thinking about it.. but I had many moments of silence last night. That got ruined by thinking, "this is nice if only it would stay this way."

[jodilin65]

I’ve always considered myself an empath but have become less of one the more I see and realize that for the most part, people cause their own problems. Like voting Republican and then crying about lost rights. What do they expect? That’s like teasing a tiger and then bitching about it if it bites.

However, if the journal entries I’ve been editing and publishing from 2014-2015 were written by a total stranger, I would feel SO bad for them. It’s just so much torture both physically and emotionally that I went through! Even after all this time, I’m still angry that I had to suffer so much while the so-called experts blew me off and gave me suggestions that weren’t the least bit helpful in the end. They should have had a much better idea of what was going on with me and provided me with much better solutions rather than being so dismissive or blaming my problems on simply being anxious. Denying other possibilities was totally unprofessional, including that not everyone’s normal is in the so-called normal range of numbers.

I get that we know our bodies better than anyone else and that it’s hard for people to figure out or understand what they’ve never experienced first-hand but that’s still no excuse. They should have had enough info based on others who, like me, experienced the same problems. I was far from alone in what I went through between the medication and menopause.

I almost considered deleting Doc A for a minute after remembering the way she tried to tell me that levothyroxine can’t make you anxious, and that losing weight doesn’t affect your thyroid levels but only the life of the thyroid. How can any doctor say that to a patient?!

Also, the way I had to pry for menopause info or look online as if it’s a taboo subject and something totally unnatural that half the population doesn’t go through was ridiculous. I thought back to Doc C who knew damn well what my age was at the time, yet she never once said a word about menopause or perimenopause.

LOL, I just sent the last few paragraphs to Doc C on Facebook. She probably won’t see it though, as she definitely seems to have abandoned her account. And all because of what? A former patient who wanted to be her friend? Whatever. Her prerogative. It’s been 51 weeks since my last message to her which was actually an accident. It was a flower picture I meant to send someone else.

For the second day in a row, I’m tired because my sleep got broken up. I got up to pee and had trouble falling back asleep. Knowing that this meant I would automatically be tired when I got up, I removed the mouthguard. I was surprised not to find any spikes in oxygen levels after sleeping without it.

My only complaint is that the thing is making my jaw and teeth sore but I confirmed that while it can move teeth and make your jaws sore, it can’t knock your teeth out or anything like that. Hopefully, I’ll get used to it but if I don’t, yet still find it helpful (when thunder isn’t waking me up and I’m able to get back to sleep after I wake up to pee), I’ll ask Rhonda for a referral so I can get one custom made. For now, maybe tomorrow I can get back on with the testing! Part of having trouble sleeping might be my fault. It’s very hard to resist laying down when you’re tired and I might have laid down too much and gone to bed too early. I’ll try not to do that as much throughout the night.

There is some good news and that’s that some of my test results came back and I do not have an infection after all. I’m guessing the yellow discharge is simply the way I am in this day and age. Hormonal changes can cause it but it’s rarely a symptom of cancer so I’m not worried about it since I don’t have any symptoms. Hopefully, she won’t want to do further testing. The urine culture results are still a few days away.

More good news. The bed has been ordered! From Amazon, we have a metal frame that’s 14 inches tall and supports up to 3,000 lbs. The whole ensemble should be about 1,000, though.

I also got a couple of fitted sheets, one in Rio Red that will go with an extra pillowcase we have with red rosebuds on it, and one in Dusty Lavender which can go with an extra plum-colored pillowcase.

From the waterbed store, we got an 8-inch plush waterbed cover with free-flow tubes. It will come with 7 tubes that run the length of the bed and not the width. If I feel the cover is plush enough, I’ll just use an extra fitted sheet for a mattress pad. If not, we have extra plush mattress pads.

Tom will get a sheet of plywood to put on the bed frame since it's not a solid platform. There are gaps between the rails and we don't want to put the waterbed mattress on that. Also, I want to put the soundproofing blanket on top of the plywood and underneath the waterbed because I sometimes still feel and hear bumps and bangs from car doors given how close these houses are.

So now my survey savings account is almost empty! I’m going to get some little things before I save up for anything big again. I want to indulge in some Chinese food and a variety of incense from The Dipper. Then I want to finish the exterior bedroom wall.

Magic straws aren’t so magic. They have these flavored straws for milk and I decided to try the chocolate one but didn’t notice any chocolate taste at all.

Going to make dinner in a bit. A baked potato and chicken wings since I had salmon last night.

My weight is up a couple of pounds after having to raise my TSH a bit but it sure stopped my racy heart. You know how it is for me; it’s either be calm and be fatter or wound up and not as fat. The first choice is definitely more comfortable.

What was that the honker was just looking at? He just honked in and then I saw him step over in front of his lanai and peer between us and Ray at something. A rabbit?

[aspenkittyy]

Entry #1

⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢⌢ ﹉﹉﹉﹉﹉୨♡୧﹉﹉﹉﹉﹉ ୨୧ ꒰ Aspen, Ash ; ?? ꒱ Online name is Aspen, I go by Ash Certified princess ﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍﹍ ⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣⌣

If you're Me, and it hasn't been at least a year since I finished writing this, turn AWAY !! >:(( You're not supposed to see this yet!

Read this while listening to Sweater Weather (FOR THE BEST EXPERIENCE)

Hello! My name is Aspen. You can call me Ash if you would like. Aspen isn't my real name, but I like it. I don't exactly expect this to be popular, or get a lot of traction. I just need a place to put my thoughts, you know? Maybe when I'm older I can look back at this and poke fun of it. ^_^ So, hi, future me! I guess I should tell you a bit about myself, right? So here is a list of my favorites. :

▄︻デ══━一💥(pew pew!) Ash's favorite things.

Favorite color ∿ dark red

Favorite song ∿ Nice Nice, Dazey and the Scouts

Favorite animal ∿ Fox

Favorite place ∿ Skate City/The Pool

Favorite hobbies ∿ Rollerblading, Music

Instruments I play ∿ Piano, Flute

Favorite shows ∿ Percy Jackson, The Hollow, Black Mirror, Kipo

Favorite characters ∿ Grover Underwood, Kai (The Hollow), Reeve (The Hollow), Wolf (Kipo), Travis Phelps (Sallyface), Larry Johnson (Sallyface)

Favorite movies ∿ Coraline, Boxtrolls, Mean Girls, Heathers

Favorite musicals ∿ Heathers, Mean Girls, Be More Chill, Dear Evan Hanson, Ride the Cyclone

Favorite videogames ∿ Sallyface, Fran Bow, Little Misfortune, DDLC, Roblox, Gacha, Minecraft

Favorite food ∿ Curly fries

Favorite scent ∿ Sweet Escape, Strawberry Picnic, Bath & Bodyworks

Favorite season ∿ Summer 🦋ꦿ

Favorite type of Pet ∿ Dog

Favorite thing about myself ∿ Resourcefulness

Skin status ∿ Acne Prone, on Retinae and Doxy

Crush ∿ No one

Height ∿ 5'1.5

Weight ∿ 103 lbs. (Trying to lose weight)

GPA ∿ 3.75 (Dad and mom say that I am very smart for a girl my age . Yay !)

Favorite thing to say currently ∿ 'I will shank you'

Dream place to live ∿ Rainy Mississippi

Current Goals ∿ Grow my hair out, Make mom happy, Get grades up, Be more patient, lose weight

▄︻デ══━一💥(Pew Pew!) Now, some of Ash's least favorite things.

✶- People who chew with their mouths open

✶- Middle school boys

✶- M.D ex-friend >:(

✶-O.? ex-bf >:(

✶-Getting acne

✶-Selfish people

✶-My oldest sister (Has she moved out yet?)

✶-My room

✶-My mom

✶-Alcohol, Drugs, etc

✶-Being in my room

✶-Not knowing if I am normal or not

✶- Knowing that I am not healthy

✶- Thieves

✶- Snow

✶- Cantaloupe

✶- C.O. It is so BORING here!

✶- Mrs. S. (Drama teacher)

✶- Vomit

✶- Feeling envious

✶- The way I look

✶- French braids

✶-Deadlines

That's it for now.

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[findingmypeace]

There is so much to update on but I’ll have to focus on a little bit at a time.

*I’ve been experiencing a lot of random medical symptoms. Of course all tests come back normal despite the fact that my feet are swelling so bad the skin is stretching and then peeling. I started wearing compression socks today. I am also trying very hard to hydrate better. My coworkers/friends are helping to keep me accountable.

*I saw a nurse practitioner who works for my pcp for a follow up after having been to the ER and to see if there was anything else that could be done. I’ve been with this office for almost a decade. They are aware of my history.

This nurse practitioner’s (I’ve seen her many times) solutions for my symptoms that sent me to the ER were to prescribe me prescription weight loss medication (wegovy-that’s the new one just approved by the FDA) and Lasix (prescription diuretics) because, according to her, all my ed behaviors will stop if I’m happier with my body, I’m overweight and that’s not healthy (but she made sure to tell me I’m not obese-just overweight), and I’ll feel better if I lost some weight. She also gave me a free month sample of the wegovy while we wait for my insurance to approve it.

I did make it clear to her that my behaviors continued happening even when I was underweight and that my binging has never had anything to do with hunger or appetite. I don’t remember but I’m pretty sure she didn’t even acknowledge what I said. Just moved on to talk about how she thinks this will work.

I also made it very clear (as did the ER discharge notes) what my actual medical symptoms are and I left with absolutely no treatment at all. Well, she did prescribe Lasix for the swelling in my feet but, again, she knows I’ve abused diuretics because she’s the one that prescribed the heart medication for the tachycardia caused by my abuse of diuretics. Thankfully (it’s a miracle) some of my current symptoms are starting to get better. The swelling is a *tiny* bit better, but I am so grateful I no longer feel like I’m going to collapse every time I stand up or walk a few steps. And I’m not having heart palpitations that several minutes anymore. I do feel like I can function again. It’s just that the swelling is still pretty bad.

Okay, but what I am really thinking right now: Who the fuck (!) prescribes prescription weight loss medication to someone who’s spent their entire life trying to lose weight in ways that could kill them?!?! And prescription diuretics to someone that ended up dealing with temporary (I hope) heart issues as a result abusing diuretics. It’s all just so ignorant, irresponsible, unethical, and down right dangerous. My friends from work want me to report/file a complaint against her and I am going to do that. If possible I’m going to file a complaint with both the practice she works for and the licensing board for nurse practitioners. This is absolutely ridiculous and I have, literally, never experienced something like this before.

Also, I am now in the possession of prescription diuretics and weight loss medication. Of course my eating disorder is going crazy. There is a lot going on with my weight right now given all of the physical symptoms I’m having. Every part of me feels it would be SO incredibly enticing to lose weight. The NP even told me how much one of her patients lost in a 3 month period and it was a lot. Given that wegovy is supposed to target hunger and appetite and my binging has nothing (physically ie:it’s emotional) to do with that I doubt I’d lose as much as her other patient but my ed is definitely dreaming of it. Again, this is so incredibly irresponsible and dangerous. But I’m not sure I can fight it.

But, in addition to all of this, I sort of got the ultimatum about going back to treatment from my new therapist last week. She didn’t say I had to go back. She just said she needed me to get on some wait lists (of treatment centers). She also mentioned that ethically I should be back in treatment, particularly residential (or someplace that at least has minor medical monitoring) but she understands that I am very against that at the moment so she is willing to work with me.

So on one hand I have someone (my therapist) thinking I need at least some medical monitoring for my eating disorder and on the other hand I have someone (the nurse practitioner) giving me prescription weight loss medication because I’ll be happier, healthier, and the ed behaviors will stop if I just lost weight aka liked my body better. Yep, that should work!

It’s almost midnight. I have work in the morning! Goodnight!

[appalachiananarchist]

I have many feelings so this will be long! @chiaroscur0 @cabbagequeen323 @shellstrop420 @marshapono

Concerns I have:

1) The way GLP-1 have been endorsed lately just feels predatory. Public endorsements suggest these are quick, easy, weekly shots to make you skinny and then you will be "healthy." This is all without explaining how the medicine works. Most who come in asking about these meds have no clue what they are. GLP-1s are being endorsed as a quick fix for obesity, not as an actual, strong medication with well defined medical indications and contraindications. Every medicine alters some physiologic process in your body, and as such, will have side effects and risks. GLP-1s make you feel full with less food and for longer, which is one way they help with weight loss. This means that food just kinda sits inside of you instead of digesting normally. This is not how bodies are supposed to work, so people on them can start developing the same symptoms someone with gastroparesis (think of that like stomach paralysis) might: severe nausea or vomiting and intense changes in bowel movements. GLP-1s also increase the risk of thyroid cancer and pancreatitis, among other potential side effects. People also don't realize that this is a lifelong commitment. You stop this drug, you gain weight back unless you've made major lifestyle changes--and most people really struggle to do that or don't want to.

I have a "if it ain't broke don't fix it" approach to medicine. It goes against every fiber of my being to say, "Hey, let's take your perfectly healthy GI tract and intentionally break it so you can't eat so much. Then you'll lose weight! Also, you may develop thyroid cancer or pancreatic disease!" Weight loss has its place, but is not the pinnacle of health. I don't prioritize if over keeping your healthy body functioning like a healthy body. If someone tells me that they are trying to lose weight, I want it done in a way that is as healthy as possible--and that generally means physical activity, healthy diet choices, and maybe seeing a counselor if overeating is an emotional problem. In general, if your body is operating normally, I think you should just leave it alone.

2) I am worried about people fixating on this drug as if it will make them healthier without the appropriate lifestyle changes. Being thinner doesn't mean being healthier. It isn't that simple. Unless your medical condition is associated with weight and is managed with weight loss, you need to live a healthy lifestyle to improve your health, not take a weekly shot. But let's be real: MOST people wanting this are more interested in weight loss for body image reasons. Or, they are misinformed and genuinely believe skinny = healthy, which is way oversimplified and not accurate. With the social stigma against obesity and conflicting information out there I totally get it, but this all feels a bit too close to profiting off of weight-based insecurity and/or poor medical literacy. And let's be real again: both obesity and poor medical literacy are higher in the poor.

I am not opposed to writing it to non-diabetics when I really feel weight loss could help improve overall wellbeing and all risks are clearly discussed. For example, I have a pseudotumor cerebri patient with uncontrolled symptoms despite all the traditional medications. Due to the impact on her vision, neurosurg wanted to do a shunt, but she and her POA refused surgery. She has a mild intellectual disability that makes traditional weight loss hard for her, so to save her vision and stop her daily debilitating headaches, we agreed to try a GLP-1. It worked. Her vision is no longer deteriorating and her headaches are almost entirely gone. So she is a case where I am comfortable with the decision to do a GLP-1 for weight loss because she had a very poor quality of life without it and could have permanently lost her sight.

3) The craze is impacting my ability to care for my other patients. My diabetics have been losing access to the meds they really need because local pharmacies are wiped out of just about every GLP-1 brand, especially at the low doses. I am spending a RIDICULOUS amount of time per day calling various pharmacies to try and make brand swaps or dose changes. This is time taken away from other patient needs. The sheer number of GLP-1 demands and calls coming to my inbox are tying up my inbox and the nurse line, keeping patients with serious medical questions from getting through. When I say it is a lot, I am talking probably 40% of my incoming calls/messages are non-diabetic GLP-1 inquiries right now, on top of what my "normal" inbox looked like prior to everyone asking for these meds. It is unsustainable.

And don't get me started on insurance. Most of my patients don't have insurances that cover these in non-diabetics. There's nothing I can do about the price, and I cannot force them to cover it even if I agreed to write it. Please stop yelling at me.

I think there was a study out there that said a family doctor would need like 27 hours per day in order to complete all of the tasks expected of them. Since this all started, I personally would have to tack another 1-2 hours/day MINIMUM onto that.

I have many feelings on the GLP-1 craze, mostly negative, but would be really interested hearing how others in the medical field feel about it.

[oomisluvr]

sakusa's first blowjob, part 1/3

synopsis: sakusa wants to take the next step in your relationship. who are you to deny him of such a request?

warnings: handjobs, blowjobs, cursing, minors do not interact.

sakusa likes to believe that he’s a confident person. he dominates the court, confidence oozing out of him in just about all he does, but he’s never given much thought to his physical attraction. sakusa gazes at himself in the mirror, gently batting a stray curl from his face.

suddenly, he doesn’t like his appearance so much.

what kind of guys did you like? should he cut his hair? straighten it? maybe he should dress differently than usual today? do you even like him to begin with?

six months. you've been together for six months and not once has he asked you to engage in anything remotely sexual. according to his teammates, that isn't normal. apparently, he's supposed to have fucked you a million different ways by now, ruining your ability to walk for days at a time.

what if you want that? is he failing as a partner?

his frown deepens. it's not that he does't want to have sex with you, it's just that, well,

he's kinda scared.

what if he's bad at sex? what if he isn't big enough? what if he can't make you finish?

he sighs, no longer wanting to look at his reflection or think these thoughts. shoving his phone into his pocket, grabbing this keys and wallet, he heads out of his dorm room to the other side of campus.

the walk to your campus apartment is uneventful, but he feels stressed nonetheless. stopping by the mini-mart to buy you some snacks, his mind wanders once again.

i shouldn't rush this, he thinks, we can take baby steps. start with some smaller stuff and work your way up to the big event. a plan, yes, a plan is what he needed.

thanking the cashier, he checks out and heads your way, suddenly feeling inspired. he checks his phone to see the time, changing his direction to your apartment.

upon his arrival, he raises a fist, giving three light raps to your door.

"it's open!" your voice calls, muffled through the thickness of the wood. he opens the door, stepping into the gentle air conditioning of your place.

"it's me."

"oh! kiyoomi, hi!" you walk over to him, kissing him on the cheek, "i wasn't expecting to see you today."

he frowns, "you need to lock your door, then. what if it wasn't me coming to visit you?" your eyes lock on the grocery bag he's carrying.

"yes. lock the door." you reach out to grab it.

"i'm serious, y/n. you need to be more careful," sakusa pulls it away from your reach. you groan.

"okay, okay, i'll be more careful. happy?"

"mm, give me another kiss and i'll think about it."

you make a show of rolling your eyes, leaning up to give him a quick peck to his lips. he smiles when you snatch the bag out of his hands, walking towards the kitchen to put the snacks away. he awkwardly follows you, wordlessly putting the goodies when they're supposed to go.

"so what's up with you? you're acting weird, did something happen?" your small hands dig through one of the bags, latching onto one of the candies he bought you.

"i just wanted to see you, believe it or not."

"that sounds even more suspicious," you begin, tearing apart the twisters he brought for you, "are you sure that's all?"

"yeah, i-" he eyes scan over your appearance, the old shorts you're wearing are suddenly looking very sexy. he wonders if you think the same way of him, "i just missed you, is all."

you take a bite of 3 twizlers at a time, hoisting yourself up to sit on the counter space by the stovetop, "you're lying. c'mon, be real with me, oomi."

he scowls, moving from his position in the kitchen to where you sit. sakusa stands above you, towering over you even while perched on the counter. he kisses your forehead, placing his calloused hands on the plush of your thighs. you know him so well. patiently, you wait for his response, chewing happily. sakusa fiddles with your skin, feeling very bashful in your presence. he thinks back to the thoughts he had earlier; he should communicate with you and tell you how he feels.

"i was wondering if you wanted to take our relationship to the next level."

"what do you mean?" you still nibble on the twizlers, finishing the last one in a single bite.

"like..." he wraps his finger around the stray thread on your shorts, "...if you want to have sex. and stuff." he cringes at the words coming out of his mouth.

"and stuff?" you giggle, poking his cheek.

"sorry, that sounded weird. it's just... we've been together for a while and we've never really talked about this kinda stuff. i know you're more... experienced than me and i don't want to disappoint you."

you reach out to stroke his face, palms resting just under his jawline. you smile when he leans into your touch, "no, no, never. i'm sorry if i made it seem like i didn't want to have sex with you, oomi. i thought i was respecting your boundaries, is all. losing your virginity can be a big deal, and i didn't want to pressure you into something you weren't ready for. i'll wait for you, though, for whenever you are ready," his skin feels soft under your thumb, a sad expression on your face.

"i-i think i'm ready, but..." he feels his blush deepen further, realizing how vulnerable he felt in the moment, "... but maybe not for everything, a-at least not right now. i think we should take baby steps."

"baby steps?" you softly smile.

"yeah, like the smaller stuff so we can get comfortable with each other before we do the big stuff."

"like?"

"like... we can, uhm, touch each other," god, this feels embarrassing to say out-loud, "and do things with our hands and mouths," your fingers comb through the thin hairs at the base of his neck; sakusa feels like he's floating. you feel so soft.

"touch each each other?" you lightly push him off of you, sliding down from the countertop. still maintaining eye contact, you slowly move to pull your hair into a high ponytail, "i mean... there's no time like the present, right?"

sakusa feels an inkling on where you're going with this, and plays into your advances, not wanting to come off as desperate, "i- yes, but, no. i mean, not if you don't want to. me personally, i-" his throat closes up when he feels your soft hands run over the waistband of his sweatpants.

you sink down to your knees, batting your lashes up at him, "are you sure, kiyoomi? we don't have to do anything, you know."

"please, yes," his voice squeaks when you run your palm over the print in his sweats, "this is fine. "i-it's okay. i like when you touch me."

you smile at him, your grip on him getting tighter. sakusa has to stifle a whine the threatens to spill out of his lips. playfully, you tug down the front of his sweats, lightly running a finger over his dick, feeling his erection strain against his boxers, "baby steps, huh? i'll take things slow then, just for you."

finally pulling down his boxers, you mentally celebrate at the sight before you. his dick stands hard against his toned abdomen, a pearly bead of pre-cum bubbles at his tip.

you take him into your hands, running your index finger across his slit, collecting the pre that's accumulated during the time you've been teasing him. he feels so embarrassed; you hadn't even begun to do anything, yet he's fully erect, dribbling pre-cum. he wants to cover his face, but kiyoomi can't seem to pull his eyes away from you.

you pull your hand back, spitting in it, and grabbing the base of his dick, building a languid, slow pace that knocks the wind from his chest. holy shit, he thinks, this is really happening. he has to remind himself to breathe when you focus your hand movements to his tip, maneuvering your hand in circular motions and rolling your wrist to keep the fluidity. your other hand finally comes up, moving to quickly pump the rest of him.

"o-oh, fuck," sakusa has to grip the counter, thighs shaking, "holy shit, that feels good," his voice cracks, but he can't bring himself to care, throwing his head back and releasing a series of moans.

"can i use my mouth?" you sweetly ask, now solely stroking his shaft, leaving the tip alone as to not deliver too much stimulation at once.

"mm, ye-yeah," sakusa squeezes his eyes tightly at the thought, "yeah, go for it. please."

you stop your movements and sakusa forces himself to choke down a whine. he's breathing heavy, eyes still shut because he knows that opening them will bring him to an orgasm. the vulgarity of the situation makes his dick twitch in your hands.

lowering his head, he finally opens his eyes, feeling blessed by the sight he sees. your pretty mink lashes make you look like an angel, your small hands wrapped around such an intimate area, fingers just barely touching. your eyes carry so much weight behind them; promises of what you want to do to him, the millions of ways you'll make him yours. gently, he brings a hand up to your head, thumbing the hair of your ponytail.

"look at me, kiyoomi," you voice sultry, yet demanding, and sakusa can't help but listen to you, pupils blown wide.

you lick his slit, dragging your heavy tongue across one of his most sensitive areas, your right hand moves to deliver long strokes. not wanting to make him wait any longer, you put your lips around him completely, hollowing your cheeks as you take him as far as you can go, the fine hairs of his pelvis tickling your face. relaxing your throat muscles, you swallow around him, once, twice, constricting his dick with the smooth muscles of your throat.

"oh my god, baby, just like that," you feel the hand on your ponytail tighten, but kiyoomi doesn't force you down, "yeah, yeah, fuck, you're so good to me, shit," he moans through the pleasure.

seeking oxygen, you come up for air, the wetness from your saliva giving you the slickness to jerk him at a faster pace, your grip on him tightening. his stomach clenches as he fights back an orgasm, mind clouded with thoughts of you.

diving back in, you bob your head up and down his length, your hands working what doesn't fit into your mouth. sakusa's hands fly up to grab the counter, his knees threatening to buckle.

"s-shit, y/n, ah, fuck," he groans over the sounds of slick, "i-i think i'm gonna cum, y/n. wait, i'm gonna cum."

you move your head back, opening your mouth right below his tip, sticking your tongue out flat; a silent invitation to cum in your mouth. your right hand stays where it is, speeding up the pace of your strokes, your left hand moves back, massaging his balls between your fingers. sakusa's face is beet red, your generosity getting the best of him. throwing his head back, he groans loudly, stomach tensing as white ropes of cum paint your face and tongue.

"o-ooh, fu-u-ck!"

you deliver tightened, heavy strokes, slowing your movements to not overstimulate him, milking him of everything he's worth. looking down at you with lidded eyes, even kiyoomi is surprised at how much he came. semen is sprawled from your chin to your cheekbones, the whiteness of himself stands out against the pink of your tongue, thick cum pooling down your fingers and forearm, almost reaching your elbow.

grateful that he's an athlete, you swallow everything he gave you, enjoying the delicate taste. tucking him back into his clothes, he helps you stand from your position on the floor. you notice a sheen a sweat on his hairline.

"god is a woman and her name is y/n. i think you took my soul."

you laugh, he smiles, "you almost got cum in my eye, you know."

sakusa's ears turn red, suddenly worried about your comfort, "sorry, you made it pretty difficult to focus," using his thumb, he swipes the cum that missed your mouth, collecting it on his finger and holding it in from of your mouth. moaning softly when you shift forward to suck away the cum, he brings his free hand to pull you in by the waist, "thank you, y/n, seriously. let me return the favor, yeah?" bringing his face closer to yours, he slips his tongue past your lips, tasting himself through a deep kiss. his hand rises to caress the side of your face, tilting his head for a better angle.

"i blow you once and now you think you can handle me?" you mumble against his lips, "you aren't ready for it," you tease, your words making his body feel hot. he is ready; he's been ready, sakusa thinks, but waiting for the right moment makes it that much sweeter. patting your ass, he pecks your lips once more for good measure. oh, that reminds him.

"i wanted to talk to you about that, actually." you shoot him a questioning look, maneuvering around him to wash your hands.

"yeah, what's up?"

"i have a plan."

"a plan? for what?"

"for how we're gonna have sex."

you grimace, "gross, don't plan it out! that's what old people do!"

"stop," he whines, "i thought really long about it. i just need to ask you a few questions."

"okay, okay," you dry your hands with paper towel, using the wetness of the paper to wipe away any sticky spots still on your face, "what do you need to know?" he walks closer to the calendar you have on the wall in the kitchen area, whipping out his phone to compare dates, you assume.

"are you free next weekend?" you think for a moment.

"yeah, i think so, but i have a baby shower at 10."

"who throws a baby shower at 10 in the morning?"

"that's what i said! she really thought that it would be a good i-"

"wait, don't get side tracked. i still have more questions."

"kiyoomi, what are you even planning to do?"

"well, i cant show you all the cards in my hand! i just need you to answer the questions."

"okay, damn! ask away then." he taps through his phone.

"do you have a preferred place to have sex?"

"uhm, not really? just not in a car or shower, at least not for the first time." he types frantically.

"okay, next question. what are your thoughts on pubic hair?"

"kiyoomi!" you laugh, "what the hell?"

"i need to know! it's for science!"

"jesus, man. i guess, it doesn't really matter? it's natural, so who cares? as long as i'm not flossing with your pubes while i go down on you, i have no issues."

"that's disgusting. you know i would never do that. i need a serious response, y/n."

"okay, okay fine!" you laugh, "not too much but also don't just have nothing. bald dick is weird."

he nods his head, considering your answer, he types into his phone, repeating your words aloud to himself, "okay, last question for now. would you prefer sex in the morning or the evening?"

"it depends on the day, but considering this would be out first time as a couple, i wouldn't want to ditch you to go to lab after we fuck. late afternoon to evening would be the best time i think." he's silent, walking over to the calendar once again.

"okay," he nods his head, squinting his eyes in thought, "okay, yeah this totally works."

"it does?"

"yes, everything is coming together."

"so can i expect to have my back blown out in the near future?"

"if by 'back blown out' you mean gently and passionately make love, then yes, expect it."

"great," you clap your hands together, "i look forward to it," your stomach growls, the angry rumble echoes throughout the kitchen."

"don't tell me those 3 twizlers is all you've had to eat today."

"no," you smile, a laugh threatening to rip from your chest before you even have the chance to finish your sentence, "i had your kids for lunch."

"y/n!" he gasps.

this is my first time writing smut, so please let me know what you think! leave a comment so i can improve; i plan to make this a series, so give me some criticism to improve the story <33 thank you for reading :)

[millerflintstone]

The good news - I'm no longer on the pager duty rotation!

The bad news - hey...remember that MRI I had for my eyes / optic nerve? Turns out...

Like...what? I downloaded the report the night before the follow up, which was on the 7th. Unfriendly and I had a long talk.

I don't have any classic stroke symptoms. I don't remember having a sudden painful headache, but with grieving my mom along with the loss of my entire nuclear family, there is a lot I don't remember between early November and December.

The radiologist report states this -> "Small area of acute/recent lacunar ischemia in the left cerebellar hemisphere suspected. No large territory infarct seen" . My blood pressure is normal. Sometimes the bottom number gets in the high 80s. LDL cholesterol was high in July. That's currently being rechecked. My A1C is normal. I haven't gained any weight since losing 25 pounds in 2020. Minor fluctuations but I haven't been strictly intermittent fasting for a good 8-9 months. I'm still overweight and do need to get some kind of activity going in my life because I haven't since about October.

Gonna put the rest under a break because this got longer than I intended.

The TL;DR is I saw another neuro for a second opinion, saw a cardiologist at the practice I went to in 2017 and am on a heart monitor for a month. I have further tests at the cardiologist but we're still in the diagnosis phase of this.

I'm better about it today. Nothing I can do to change things immediately. Just gotta focus on taking better care of this flesh vessel and step 1 was telling work I have heavily advised stress reduction from my doctor.

This past week has been doctor appointment week. The neurologist I saw said it could just be an artifact since I don't have obvious slurred speech, numbness, loss of mobility, etc. It could be a small silent stroke. It could just be aging.

I was not happy with how the follow up went. It was supposed to be TeleMed and I never got a link. Just a phone call, which I asked him directly about and it just seems that office is scattered. (That's a whole nother post.) But that neuro talked to the other neuro in the practice and he wasn't 100% sure either. I was told to follow up with my PCP and a cardiologist.

My PCP didn't have a specific neuro to refer me too for a second opinion because the one she used to refer folks to is closing her practice due to a terminal illness. She did give me some names. The guy other folks were happy with doesn't actually take stroke patients. Just tumors and I forget what else the office person said. But that office gave the name of one that does that is in my insurance network. I got a second opinion from a vascular neurologist. He had a cancellation last Wed and they were able to fit me in. He confirmed the same things of it really not being known / definite and agreed with the recommendations of the first guy along with re-scanning in about 4 months.

Honestly I've been stunned and now that I'm less stunned I realized things I should have asked and didn't. I figure I can just ask for an in person follow up with the first neuro in person after all the cardiology tests are in.

Cardiologist appointment was Friday. I had to go to one in 2017 due to a new PCP at the time. She was concerned about my EKG and wanted me to see a cardiologist. They did all of these tests including an echocardiogram and determined my heart was normal for me. Structurally it was fine. They didn't see a need to do a stress test then. I was told to not overdo caffeine because abnormal but normal for me EKG indicated my heart could go out of rhythm or very fast but neither of those things have happened. Anyway, this practice has a "before" of my heart. On 1/24 we're going to do the "after" tests and I get to wear a heart monitor for 30 days. Last time I only wore one for a week I think. It was enough for that doc to determine I didn't need a stress test.

So that's the new current thing in my life. My body refuses to calm the fuck down I guess.

In terms of stress, my PCP did think it was a good idea to reduce it where I can. I decided to tell my bosses about it. I went back and forth about being vague about it but these people are thick and lack common sense and empathy (more on that later) . I was matter of fact about it and phrased it as "In light of this, I will not be able to participate in the pager duty rotation" ( this was Unfriendly's suggestion).

I told two co-workers - the good dude who was really worried about me after my mom passed and the gal I work with on one specific problematic vendor. The guy is also on PD and I thought he should know why. Things happened this week that showed me management is still careless so I wanted him to understand I just wasn't being a dick. That is also another post.

[nastybuckybarnes]

Deep End  -  Six

Pairing: Dark!Steve Rogers X Reader

Summary: He’s back. After all your best efforts at getting away, he’s found you again. And this time, he’s not letting you go so easily. He’s determined to do whatever it takes to get you to be his. Forever.

Warnings: Dark Themes, Language, Angst, Fluff, Angst

Word Count: 4.6K

A/n: Okie dokie! I’ve got an epilogue planned but I like this. The epilogue will explain shit better but I've known that this would be the end since pretty much the beginning LMAO

Deep End Masterlist

THIS IS A DARK FIC WITH SEXUAL AND TRIGGERING CONTENT!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!! 18+ ONLY!!!

~*~

When Steve hears you stop struggling, stop fighting and stop crying, he’s nervous.

It’s been a while since he locked you up there, and he really should check on you soon, if only to make sure the baby’s okay after that stunt you pulled.

He pushes the door to the bedroom open, eyeing your figure carefully.

You look like you’re asleep. If he wasn't so attuned to your body, your heart and your breathing, he wouldn’t have noticed something’s wrong.

Your heart is beating rapidly, far faster than normal. And it’s weaker than usual.

Your breathing is shallow and strained, and your face is lacking its usual healthy glow.

He rushes to your side, tearing the rope from your wrists and touching your face carefully.

Your skin is hot to the touch, and he feels fear settle in his gut.

He doesn’t know what to do, how to help. He’s never really had to help you like this, the doctor’s always been nearby.

He grabs his phone, calling the doctor and pacing nervously.

“Sh-she’s burning up and her breathing is shallow.”

Steve's stomach drops as he listens to the doctor’s instructions, answers his questions and comes to the realization of why you’re like this.

He rolls you onto your left side, tears welling up in his eyes at how unresponsive you are.

The doctor hangs up after telling the super soldier that he’ll be there soon.

His heart is in his throat as he tries to undo the damage of his punishment, putting the evidence back in the box and kicking the rope under the bed.

You’re still unresponsive, heart weak, but your breath sounds a little less strained.

Monster. That’s what you called him. What Natasha called him and what Bucky’s asset called him.

Maybe you’re right.

But he wants you. He needs you. Giving you up would be giving up a piece of his soul and he’s not ready to do that yet.

~*~

The doctor informs him that both you and the baby are okay, but being on your back for so long was compressing a major vein supplying your baby with oxygenated blood. If he’d gotten there any later it might’ve been too late.

With strict instructions to keep you on your left side and make sure you stay hydrated, the doctor takes his leave.

He stays by your side, holding your hand tightly in both of his as he really comes to terms with the fact that it was entirely his fault. He almost killed you and your baby to prove a stupid point. To discourage you from doing the very same thing.

His heart is heavy in his chest as he listens to your heartbeat get stronger, to the baby’s heartbeat continue fluttering like a hummingbird’s.

Those two sounds bring him peace, if only temporarily.

Shattering his peace is the sound of the front door opening, followed by tiny little footsteps clomping up the stairs.

“Mommy! Mommy!”

Sarah.

Steve shoves himself to his feet and quickly leaves the room just as his daughter tries to enter.

“Sarah, mommy’s sleeping.” She frowns up at him and shakes her little blonde head.

“I need to talk to mommy!”

She walks around his legs only for him to scoop her up in his arms.

“She’s sleeping right now, honey.”

Sarah shakes her head angrily, beating her tiny fists against his shoulders.

“Let me go! I want mommy! Mommy!! Put me down!” She starts shrieking. Full-on screaming bloody murder right in his ear, and he loses his grip on the wriggling child.

She slides out of his arms and runs into the bedroom, climbing onto the bed and shaking your shoulder.

“Mommy?” She’s got little tears on her face, and they don’t cease when you don’t wake up.

“Why won’t mommy wake up?!” She looks up at Steve with terror written on her face and it shatters his heart in his chest.

“Sarah, mommy’s sick, okay? I had the doctor come over and he said that she needs to rest and when she wakes up we’re gonna need to make sure she’s got plenty of water, okay?”

Sarah’s big blue eyes are filled with tears and she shakes her head.

“I want mommy!”

She clings to your torso, crying against your shoulder in fear.

“Sarah, honey, mommy’s gonna be okay. You just gotta give her some space, okay? How about I set up a movie for you?” Sarah sniffles and slowly pulls away from you, looking at her father and shaking her head again.

“I want mommy! I hate you!”

Steve then realizes just how crucial you are. How important you are, not only to him but to his daughter as well.

Losing you would hurt so many people.

“Honey, you gotta give mommy and I some space, okay?”

He picks up the five-year-old, despite her quite literally kicking and screaming, and sets her down outside the bedroom.

He shuts the door quickly and locks it even faster.

Sarah stands outside, wailing her head off and pounding on the door with her tiny little fists.

She cries for you, over and over again, and it breaks Steve’s heart.

He’s brought back to what you said about him. About how this isn’t love.

He sits down at your side again, trying desperately to drown out the sound of his daughter crying outside as his thoughts overwhelm him.

He hasn’t been the nicest to you, that he’ll openly admit, and he makes mistakes probably more often than he doesn’t. But he loves you. He needs you.

Tears well up in his eyes and he lets out a shuddering breath.

He’ll make this right. He has to. Sarah deserves a mother, so does your unborn baby. And -though he may not deserve you- he needs you. The monster will be hard to fight, but losing you will be harder.

The damage he’s done might be irreversible, but he’s gonna do what he can to make things right, to give you a better life.

You don’t wake up for a few hours, but when you do you’re confused.

Your back aches and you feel a little dizzy as you remember what happened, how you got here.

Steve watches as you regain consciousness, confusion pulling your brows together before you slowly open your eyes.

“How’re you feeling?” He asks softly, rubbing his thumb across your knuckles soothingly.

You look up at him then drop your gaze to your belly, bringing your free hand down to rub it gently.

“Am I... are we okay?” He nods gently, tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry, (Y/n). I was... I don’t know, trying to teach you a lesson. And all that did was hurt you. Hurt the baby. I wanted to show you that trying to hurt yourself and hurt the baby wouldn’t fly, but I ended up doing far more damage.”

You swallow hard and struggle to push yourself into a seated position, wincing at the throb in your head.

“The doctor said that you shouldn’t move too much, and try to stay on your left side when you sleep. I-I didn't know that sleeping on your back was bad.”

You take a deep breath and look up at him, waiting for the anger to take hold in his eyes but it never does.

“I’m sorry for hurting you. For scaring you and not trusting you. I... I lost you for so many years and now I have you back and... I don’t wanna lose you again. But everything I do to try and keep you close, make you mine... all it does is push you further away and I’m sorry.”

His apology takes you by surprise, and you eye him skeptically.

How are you supposed to know if he’s telling the truth?

He drags one of his hands down his face and for a moment you can truly see just how old Steve Rogers is.

The exhaustion of carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders finally shows in the lines near his eyes, the bags beneath them. But what really displays his age is his eyes. They’re so full of trauma and pain and weariness.

For the first time since waking up from the ice, Steve Rogers looks his age.

“I-I’m sorry, too,” you whisper, surprising him.

“I didn’t... I wasn’t thinking. I just... I wanted to punish you for what happened to Natasha. What you did. I wanted you to hurt but I just ended up hurting myself in the process.” You look down at your hands, trying to figure out how you want to phrase what you have to say.

“People argue, Steve. But what you do... it’s beyond that. We’re not... there are so many things wrong with what’s happening between us, what’s happened already, but I can’t leave. Sarah’s too attached and all I want for my little girl is to have a happy life. To have the happiness that was torn from me.”

Guilt settles on his chest, but he lets you continue speaking.

“I want my daughter to have a good life. I don’t want her to be afraid of-of people. The way I am. She loves you, and I know... I think you love her. You haven’t hurt her yet, and I hope it stays that way because at the rate we’re going, I'm not sure how much longer I’ll be able to do this.”

The pure fatigue on your face is more than enough explanation, but the idea of losing you is too much for him to bear.

“No, don’t say that. I’m gonna get better, okay? We-we were happy once. And we can do it again. I’ll be gentle and patient. I just... I need you, (Y/n). I need you a lot and the fact that you have such a tight hold over my every thought makes me angry. But I’m not gonna take it out on you anymore, okay?”

You let out a deep breath and eye him carefully.

“You’ve said that before.”

He thinks back to the time you spent in that cabin in the woods, where you turned his friends against him.

He has said that before, and look at where he is now.

“This time it’ll be different.”

You don’t have the energy to fight him. So if he’s gonna try, fine.

“Where’s Sarah?” You ask, hoping she’s still safely out with Morgan.

Steve’s face falls again and he stands up and opens the door to your bedroom.

Sarah sits crumpled in a ball, her cheeks covered in tears.

“Mommy!” She all but screams the word, launching to her feet.

Steve tries to take her hand but she yanks it away from him, shooting him a glare then running to the bed and climbing up beside you.

Your heart breaks when you see how sad she looks, and you hug her to your chest.

“It’s okay, baby. Mommy’s okay.” She sniffles and climbs onto your lap, climbing to you like her life depends on it.

You wonder what happened while you were unconscious, what Steve did to upset her so much, and your mind immediately goes to the worst.

You look at the man, your thoughts written plainly across your face, but he quickly shakes his head.

“No. I just told her she couldn’t come in. Not ‘till you woke up. She uh... she stayed right outside the door.”

You soothe your daughter, rocking her as much as you can manage with the pain rolling down your spine.

“It’s okay, baby. Mommy’s okay. Everything’s okay.” You hold her close to you, trying to calm her down while Steve looks on helplessly.

Although his daughter loves him, loves being here with him, nothing can compare to the bond that the two of you have.

The monster in him hates it. Hates that he’s not as close to his own daughter, blames you for it. But he pushes that part of himself down.

He made a promise. And this time he’s not gonna break it.

~

"Are you sure you’re okay with it?” He asks for the thousandth time.

You only shrug, fixing your hair in the mirror as the doorbell rings.

“It’s a little too late now, Steve. Besides, I don’t really care. Sarah’s gonna have fun and that’s all that matters.”

Your daughter took a few days to warm up to Steve again, but now that she has he’s not gonna risk anything changing that.

He takes one last look at you, at how pretty you look in your blue sundress, then leans forward and kisses your cheek.

“I love you, (Y/n). I can send them away.”

You take a deep breath and shake your head.

“Sarah’s excited. Besides, I wanna know what we’re having.”

You plaster on a forced smile and it breaks his heart, but he turns and heads downstairs to greet the guests.

Ever since you got hurt, he’s been nicer. Far gentler than he's ever been with you, and you’re not complaining.

Steve has the potential to be a good person, that much is obvious, but he chooses not to.

He hasn’t hurt you again, or even yelled at you. No, he’s been patient and understanding and it’s such a sharp contrast from who he was before.

You can hear him greeting the guests warmly, chatting on and on about this and that and whatever else.

Taking a deep breath to prepare yourself, you leave the faux safety of the bedroom and head down the stairs, smiling at your guests.

People that you’ve never seen before are in your house. Well, that’s not true. You’ve seen them on TV.

The Avengers are in your living room and kitchen, talking softly amongst themselves.

In the presence of these superheroes, you feel small. Weak. And you can’t fight the urge to find Steve as anxiety crawls up your spine.

He’s in the kitchen, talking animatedly with Tony Stark and Sam Wilson. Iron Man and Falcon.

He looks so at ease, his face split open with a laidback grin.

Sam’s eyes find yours and he says something to Steve, making the blond turn to you with a soft smile.

He waves you over and you obey, one hand resting delicately on your bump.

“Sam, Tony, this is my (Y/n). (Y/n), Sam and Tony.” You nod politely at them, sliding your clammy hand into Steve's nervously.

You haven’t been around this many people in a very long time.

“It’s nice to finally meet the woman who’s got Captain America so hooked! All he does is talk about you,” Sam says, a grin on his face.

You smile at him, looking up at Steve.

He nods encouragingly, smoothing his thumb over your knuckles to try and ease your anxiety.

“It’s nice to meet you, too. I, uh, I’ve heard a lot about you. About both of you.” Tony smiles looking down as someone tugs on his pant leg.

“Can I have a sleepover at Sarah’s house?!” Morgan asks excitedly, her little face full of glee.

“You’re gonna need to go ask your mother. You know she makes all the decisions.”

Tony’s gaze lifts to yours when his daughter runs to find her mom.

“Is it alright if she sleeps over tonight?”

Steve nods then looks at you.

“You alright with that?”

You’re not sure if it’s a real choice or a test, but you don’t want to find out.

“Of course. She’s always welcome here.”

Tony nods with a smile, then resumes whatever conversation they were having before you showed up.

You tune out what they’re saying, carefully rubbing over your stomach and poking at your baby whenever they decide to kick you.

“(Y/n)? Did you wanna help me set the food up outside?” Pepper’s voice breaks you from your trance, her hand coming to rest softly on your shoulder.

You look up at Steve, silently asking for permission, but he just leans down and presses a soft kiss to your lips and lets go of your hand.

You follow Pepper, setting up the table in the backyard silently for a while before she clears her throat.

“How are you feeling, (Y/n)? Sarah told us you were sick.”

You swallow hard and give her a tight smile.

“I’m feeling better. Tired all the time but this little devil is to blame for that.” You poke your belly only to be met with another kick.

Pepper nods, smiling at you.

“Are you excited?”

That question throws you for a loop.

Are you? Are you excited to have another baby?

You’re excited for Sarah to have a sibling. Excited to get to hold your baby and love your baby. But the reason why you’re having the baby in the first place? The father of your baby? No.

“Yeah, I am. A little nervous, too.”

She sits down by your garden, patting the seat next to her.

“You look tired, (Y/n). More tired than a mother should be. You’re wearing yourself thin.” You keep your lips sealed, not wanting to say anything that might make Steve mad.

She sighs and sets a gentle hand on your knee.

“I don’t know what your... relationship is with Steve, but I know you’re unhappy. He’s a good guy, deep down. But you need to take care of yourself, okay? Don’t work yourself to the breaking point because it’ll be even harder to build yourself back up. Especially with a brand new baby.”

You let out a shuddering breath and nod.

“It’s just hard. I’m trying but... it’s hard.”

As you talk softly with Pepper, Steve observes the two of you.

You look so sad, so defeated. He hates that he made you look like that.

“She’s unhappy, Steve.”

He turns to the voice, eyebrows raising.

“Wanda. I didn’t know if you’d make it.” He pulls her into a hug. “I heard about what happened in Westview... Wanda, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

She sighs, pulling away with a sad smile.

“No. But I will be.” Her eyes travel back over to you for a moment, feeling the pain and the sorrow in your soul.

“Do you think she’ll ever be happy here? With me?” Wanda sighs, crossing her arms over her chest and closing her eyes, feeling your thoughts, your energy.

“It’s hard to tell. Right now she’s so... numb. Nothing but sadness and... hopelessness. Her spirit is crushed, Steve.” She reopens her eyes and turns to the blond.

“You can’t keep her here like this. It’s only a matter of time before she gets fed up and tries to do something drastic. Again.”

Steve knows. He fucking knows that. But he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do to lift your spirits.

He's given you more freedom, let you make more decisions for yourself. He’s been gentler with you, hasn't forced himself on you.

Not forcing himself on you isn’t something to gloat about, but given the history between the two of you, it’s something fairly major.

He just wants to keep you in his life. He needs to keep you in his life.

He turns to the young woman beside him, a thought bubbling into his mind.

“Could you... do something to make her happy? Make her enjoy her life here? Make her love me again?”

Wanda’s mouth curves down as she looks at you, watches you play with your daughter and Morgan.

“Steve, it’s not right.”

The blond lets out a pained breath, shaking his head desperately.

“I just want happiness, Wanda. Don’t I deserve it? Haven’t I suffered enough to deserve a happy ending?”

Wanda’s eyes glow red with sorrow as she’s reminded of her own happy ending that she had to give up.

She takes his hand and gives it a squeeze, dropping her gaze for a moment before looking over at his desperate blue eyes.

“We don’t always get what we deserve. It’s hard and it hurts, but we can't control everything. And at some point, we need to let go. No matter how hard it is or how much it hurts. We can’t hurt other people because of what we think we deserve.”

They both look back over to you, your own eyes already on the pair, but dropping as soon as you see them turn to you.

“I’m sorry, Steve. I can’t do that.”

Tears stab at his eyes and he huffs out a breath through his nose, turning on his heel and walking away from the party, from his friends.

His abrupt departure catches the attention of a few people, yourself included. Before you can get up and see what’s going on, Bucky’s on his feet and heading into the house.

The woman Steve was talking to makes her way over to you, smiling gently.

“Hi (Y/n). I’m Wanda.” You smile at her, eyes darting towards where Steve disappeared from then back to her.

Bucky re-emerges only a few moments later, shaking his head at Natasha when she gives him a quizzical look.

You turn to Wanda with a strained smile.

“Could you just watch Sarah for a minute? And make sure she has something to eat? The foods ready.” She nods, watching with sad eyes as you walk back into the house to see what’s wrong with Steve.

“Steve?” You call softly, looking around for him only to find him sitting on the couch in the living room, his face in his hands.

“Why can’t I have what I want?” His question catches you off guard and you move to stand in front of him.

He shakes his head sadly, pulling his hands off of his face to grab yours, holding them tightly.

His lips brush over your knuckles gently, before he presses the back of your hands against his forehead, dropping his gaze to the floor.

“This isn’t right.”

Your heart races in your chest, stomach tying in knots as you try to figure out what he’s talking about.

“What are you talking about? Is everything okay? Did... did I do something wrong?” Maybe you shouldn’t have talked to Pepper earlier. Maybe you should’ve just stayed quiet and smiled.

“I can’t keep you here.”

One sentence. Five words. Sixteen letters.

That’s all it takes to have your heart stuttering.

“What... what do you mean you can’t keep me here?” You try your hardest not to let your hopes get too high. Maybe he’s going to kill you. Maybe that’s what it is. It’s certainly something more up his alley than... the alternative.

He slowly raises his head, teary red eyes staring up into yours. 

“You know what I mean.”

You shake your head, needing to hear him say it himself.

“What are you saying, Steve?”

He lets out a heavy sigh and closes his eyes, the words hurting him but he needs to say them.

“You're free to go. You and Sarah.”

The breath gets knocked from your lungs, eyes wide as tears start to blossom. This is a trap. A test. It has to be. There’s no way...

“You’re letting us go?” You ask softly.

He sighs again, nodding as tears find their way down his cheeks.

“Yeah... I guess I am.”

You’re silent, staring at him and waiting for him to tell you it’s a joke, to punish you. But he doesn’t. No, instead he lets go of one of your hands and stands up, his chest almost brushing yours.

“You said I don’t love you... but I do. I love you. Or maybe I love the idea of you, I don’t know. But either way... I hate how sad you are. How sad and afraid I make you. You're free to go wherever you want.”

You’re practically hyperventilating.

After all this time, you never truly thought he’d ever let you go. That he’d have even a shred of decency left inside him.

He cups your hands together and carefully places something inside them, then turns and walks to the front door, grabbing his keys and leaving the house.

You stand silently, staring at the object in your hands until standing becomes too hard and you think you may throw up.

Then you sit down, silent tears trekking down your cheeks.

“(Y/n)?” You’re not sure how long you’ve been sitting on the couch, staring at your hands, but Natasha’s voice pulls you from your thoughts.

“(Y/n), are you okay? Where’s Steve?”

You stare up at her then look back down at the tiny, life-changing object in your hands.

“He let us go,” you whisper, your glossy eyes raising to hers again.

She looks half as shocked as you feel.

“What?”

You sniffle then wipe the tears off of your cheeks.

“He’s letting us go,” you repeat, pushing yourself to your feet and holding your bump.

“Really?” You nod, eyes finding the backyard through the kitchen window.

Sarah and Morgan are playing outside with Sam and Wanda.

“What are you gonna do?”

Your heart is so full of confusion, full of pain and hurt.

“I’m gonna go cut the cake, then have a talk with Sarah.” She nods, a small smile on her face.

She heads back outside and you take a few deep breaths, trying to calm down before you go out and face Steve’s friends.

You toy with the dainty thing he dropped in your hands before nodding to yourself.

This is what’s right. It’s the right choice for both of you.

You entertain his guests for a few more hours, not wanting to clue them into anything in case they disagree with your decision, with Steve’s.

Only after the presents are given and the cake is almost completely devoured do they finally start to leave.

Wanda helps you tidy up the backyard, writing her phone number down with a soft smile and a whispered ‘if you ever need a friend’.

Everyone bids you goodbye until only Bucky and Nat are left, the metal-armed soldier staring intently at your left hand before a smile spreads across his face.

He surprises you, pulling you into a gentle hug and nodding his head.

“Congratulations, (Y/n).” You’re not sure what he’s talking about, but for some reason, you don’t think it has anything to do with the baby shower.

They leave too, and then you’re virtually alone, Sarah and Morgan asleep upstairs.

After cleaning up every last inch of the house, you head upstairs to go to sleep.

Steve isn’t home until after midnight, long after he lets his tears run dry and his heart stop shattering. It just aches now. Hurts.

He let you go. He really did it.

Deep down he knew this would be the outcome. Either this or your death, but he never wanted to accept it. Refused to admit it to himself.

But seeing Wanda... after all that she’s been through... and she’s still standing strong.

He takes his shoes off and drops his keys on the kitchen counter, freezing in his tracks when he sees the covered plate of cake with his name written on it.

The batter is blue.

A boy.

He’s gonna have a son.

A son that he’ll never get to meet. He’s given you freedom, and he doubts you’ll let him be a part of your child’s life after all that he’s put you through.

He slowly makes his way upstairs, his heart hurting when he sees no sign of your things in the pristine house.

When he pushes open the bedroom door he freezes in his tracks.

There you are, sleeping in his bed. No bags are packed, nothing is out of place, and the dainty diamond ring sits on your finger.

You’ve made your choice, he realizes, his heart jumping for joy in his chest.

He sheds his clothes then climbs into bed with you, wrapping you up in his arms and sighing heavily.

Maybe Wanda was wrong.

Maybe he’ll get his happy ending after all.

[the-duckless-pond]

Okay. I am back. On my phone still but it seems better now. I turned it off and on again. My phone is super old so. Anyway.

So I have basically spent the past 5 hours being distressed. Worrying about my baby. Trying to give her space since she had a very hard day and was already stressed anyway. Overcome by the strongest urges to hold her in my arms and pet her and take care of her and tell her I love her. Give her kisses on her little head. Basically become attached at the hip and care for her.

But she needs her space. She had to go in the carrier, go to the ER, be poked and prodded and stuck with needles, they stole her blood, and then she had to come back to the new place instead of where she has lived the past few years because I forced her to move. Poor girl must be having an awful time. So I was very patient and just stayed on the couch within her line of sight and gave her the wet food when she got up (infrequently and only twice) and stayed out of her way. It was really, really difficult.

All I want to do is smother her with affection. Ugh. But she isn’t there right now and needs her space. Like, I’m typing this from bed under the covers. Usually literally within 5 minutes of laying down she is on the bed with me getting comfortable and ready to sleep for the night. But it has been over half an hour and she still hasn’t come over. She is probably still in the living room on top of the cat tree. I can’t hear her snoring from in here so I don’t know if she is asleep deeply or not. I want my baby with me but if she needs space then I will cope. She had a hard day. It’s been a hard past week and a half for her. My poor girl. Ugh. This is awful.

The whole thing is just awful. She is so fluffily wuffily that I had no chance of noticing her weight loss. I feel AWFUL about that. Like, I should have been watching. Should have done something sooner. I am thinking of ordering a pet scale like they have at the vet. They said that if her blood work comes back normal then we will make an appointment for a few weeks from now to see if she is still losing weight. And I figure if that’s the case, then I might as well get one so that I can keep an eye on it in the meantime. And Callie is 11 now - no spring chicken - so I should probably be keeping an eye on her weight, too. It wouldn’t hurt at all. And it would make me feel like I am doing something. I’m waiting to get the results of the blood work before I do anything, but I’ll probably end up doing it. Better safe than sorry, right?

I just feel so worried and upset. But I feel like I can’t show it. Boo is so stressed with everything and she is very sensitive to my moods and I don’t want to make things worse, you know? So I am just holding on as best I can. But it’s really hard. Today has sucked. As soon as I heard her weight I got upset.

I have been looking at senior food for maintaining weight on and off since we got home. I’m waiting to pull the trigger on anything because what if her illness needs a special diet? I don’t want to get something too soon and end up having to get rid of it. But I am looking and trying to do everything I can for her. Right now that means staying calm and keeping my cool.

I couldn’t help myself. It’s been 45 minutes since I laid down. I called out to her. Usually that gets her to come for bed. Maybe she just didn’t know? I don’t know. I need her is all I know.

She hasn’t come into the bedroom yet. I am worried she is having a problem so I am going to go get her. That’s probably not the right thing to do, but I am very concerned. I will get her as gently as I possibly can and bring her to bed. This is also the first night in the new bed, so she might not know how to get up. She might need help.

——

Well, ten minutes later. I got her and brought her to bed, and she stayed with me for a few minutes looking around the room and exploring the mattress. Then she hopped down and left. I followed her out and she showed some interest in her toys which is unusual lately so we played with the feather wand for a few minutes until she walked away.

I am back in bed now under the covers and feeling sad. I guess she still needs her space. That’s okay. I’ll find a way to cope. I really struggle to sleep without her, so it will be hard if she never comes to bed tonight. When she was in here she was sniffing the floor where the air mattress had been set up. So I am wondering if maybe I should set it up and sleep there tonight? I don’t know. I’ll give her a little while longer. I think mostly I am just scrambling for something to do to make it better for her. But all I can do is give her space. Maybe she’ll come join me after I fall asleep. Maybe she won’t. I hope she does. I’ll stay up for a while just in case. Check on her a few more times before I can convince myself to try and sleep.

I was going to watch a show, but then I got worried and now here we are. I took my night time meds when I got up a few minutes ago and those will kick in soon enough. I am just worried and having a hard time relaxing. I wish she would join me in bed. I probably shouldn’t have disturbed her in the first place. Ugh. This is so difficult.

Anyway… that’s the update, I guess. I have a lot of feelings about it all. It’s been a rough day for everyone. Boo is sick with a mystery illness that could be anything. It could even be the big bad C word. Ugh.

I hope I get the test results tomorrow and don’t have to wait all weekend. Send positive vibes, guys. We need them.

I guess I’ll end it here. Thanks for listening.

Long diary update incoming. It’s been a busy few days. Kind of a sad one at the end, so if you read any of this… I and my little family could use some well wishes. really badly.

I can barely remember what I did yesterday, only that my new mattress arrived on Tuesday and I spent a while waiting for it to expand. I’ve never had a memory foam mattress before so this is all new to me! I super wanted to sleep on it the first night, but it didn’t look done yet so I waited. I set the air mattress back up and tucked in that evening, and then much to my immense surprise, Miss Boo jumped right up! Without needing stairs or a cat tree! I was so proud and fawned over her for a while for doing that.

Eventually she came to join me on the air mattress and we fell asleep peacefully. I woke up around 2 or 3 like I have been and found Callie on my left and Boo on my right and it was very peaceful and nice. I felt very loved.

The next day, I remember their cat tower arriving! It was a bit of an odyssey to get it, but it finally got here and I got it set up for them right beside the bed. Callie immediately investigated.

She really, really likes it. She has all but claimed it as hers ever since, and spends most of her time sleeping in the top portion. So much so that I’m not sure if Boo will even use it at all!

Other than that, I can’t really remember what happened yesterday. That was the big thing. Most of the past few days have been spent waiting for Boo’s appointment.

You remember how she was tearing out her fur? Well, that has started to lessen - thank god. I am still finding tufts of it around but not as much, and I am still seeing her scratching herself but not as severely. Which is a massive relief. I got some itchy skin soothing cat wipes that I’ve been using on her and I think they are helping, but it’s hard to know for sure. I keep using them regardless. Better safe than sorry. They have oatmeal and aloe and are from a reputable brand.

Behold, the soothed precious angel! This was from yesterday (Wednesday).

So, today was the big day. The day of her appointment. I stayed home all morning and early afternoon with them and kept things calm and quiet as I could, for maximum comfort and stress reduction. Finally, 3pm rolled around. She was snoozing in the cat tower in the living room and I had put the carrier in the office earlier. So, I gently picked her up and took her there and placed her inside. She was still waking up I guess because she didn’t fight back at all.

But, as soon as the door closed she figur d out what was going on and started meowing :(. Boo is so quiet that she only ever meows when she really needs something. So it breaks my heart every time. Sigh. My poor baby.

We got to the vet and she meowed the entire car ride. First the nurse saw her and took a history and weighed her. And this is when the trouble began. She weighed in at 9.1lbs, down nearly an entire pound from April :(. I was very alarmed but kept my cool so as not to upset Boo.

The doctor came in and we talked and she gave Boo an exam and agreed with me that the hair pulling is from stress of moving. So that’s a relief at least. But she was also concerned about her weight loss. So I agreed to do a senior blood panel that the doctor said will find basically everything except cancer. Gah. Lots of scary names of diseases were mentioned. And cancer :(. They took her to the back to draw her blood and she was gone for a little bit. When they brought her back they said she did an amazing job, and that we were all set. I will get the results either tomorrow (Friday) or early next week. They also gave me a calming food supplement to give her that should help with her stress levels.

We got home around 4:30 and she immediately ran to her tower after getting a bite to eat. I was pleased to see her eating because they asked me about her appetite and her drinking habits, but both of those seemed to be decently normal since we moved. The only things of note are the hair pulling and hiding in the cat tower more than normal. I did tell them about that and that her energy levels have seemed lower. And that she has been having hairballs lately more than normal. They asked a lot of questions and I answered as well as I could. It was kind of scary. Actually it was all pretty scary.

Anyway, around 5:30 I gave the girls their wet food and mixed in Boo’s medicine. I separated them in different rooms to eat so that Callie wouldn’t steal Boo’s med food and stayed with Boo to try and get her to finish it. I guess half a can was too much because it is 9pm now as I type this, and she still has 1/4 left. I think I’m going to try one more time tonight before I go to bed, but I am definitely giving her less tomorrow.

My phone is having some kind of issue. Gotta continue on my laptop. Will reblog. Below is Boo looking very tired after getting home. In this one her weight loss seems so obvious :(

[lvnatiq]

Random Relationship Headcanons | Felix Escellun x gn!reader

a/n: Hey ! On todays menu I am serving you modern au relationship headcanons. I know for a fact that I can’t write headcanons AT ALL yet here we are, out of spite I will keep trying until I can manage to write good shit. I’m going through a chaotic time in my life so please be patient with me 😭

I’m currently working on tattoo artist! reader x Felix headcanons and college!enemies to lovers one-shot. Knowing that Felix’s fav trope is enemies to lovers, I will post it hopefully before his new chapter drops. I used most of the hcs that were sent to me but if you couldn’t see yours, then it will probably be used on the other works.

No beta we die like men.

warnings: curse words, nsfw under the cut, random sage moments, felix being a ‘the neighborhood’ song basically.

You persuade him to start an Instagram account, and because of his family's popularity, he quickly gains followers. His account is practically empty because he would rather spend his time stalking your account on Instagram. You noticed the emptiness and wanted to take him out and take some photos for his account, which turned out amazingly. He is a little camera shy, so be patient with him.

You like to watch him apply his eyeliner but he finds it so stressing to do under your gaze.  He used to be able to do it easily, but it has now become one of his most difficult tasks. You wanted to ask for his assistance in applying eyeliner to you in the hopes of making it simpler for him; he agreed but quickly regretted it when he realized how near your faces would be. You with your eyes closed, waiting for him to drag the line as he was only thinking about how bad he wanted to kiss you. 

Felix has a Polaroid of you and stella in his wallet I said what I said.

When it comes to himself, he can be a pessimist, but when it comes to you, he is the most loving and positive boyfriend you could ever ask for. You have a dream ? He is ready to help you achieve it. Do you want to change in your life ? Go for it, He’s more excited than you are.

He can be quite insecure at times when it comes to your relationship because he feels like you deserve the world but the world is too big for his tiny hands. Will his cuddles be enough ? God he hopes so.

He almost cried when you told him you loved him for the first time. He's also baffled as to how you might feel the same way about him.

Drunk Felix is really clingy and honest. Whatever he can’t say sober drunk felix can and definitely will.

“May the stars let my death be between your glorious thighs amen-“ “Felix-”

Felix is weird but it add to his charm. It’s not unusual for you to wake up in the middle of the night and find the pillow besides yours empty. In the dead of night, you will find Felix munching on some weird ass food combinations.

He also has a habit of doing things that are extremely adorable without even noticing it. Like walking around the house in his oversized shirts, his hand clutching at the cuffs whilst the other one sheepishly rubs his eye.

“Can I lay on your lap ? I promise I won’t fall asleep. I just need to rest for a little.” His voice is so soft and hushed. “Of course, come here.” He throws himself onto you as he comes hopping on his tip toes.

He falls asleep on his desk too often, so you have to carry him back to his room, where he snuggles against you while you lead him there. Once he's in his room, he insists that you stay with him, so you wait until he falls asleep as you play with his hair, and he wakes up thinking it was all a dream.

I firmly believe that Felix’s love language is acts of service. Like making you coffee and bringing you random snacks as you work or wrapping you up in fluffy blankets whenever he catches you slacking on the couch.

He's been romanticizing anything and everything since he met you. When he sees beautiful flowers, he wants to bring them to you, but he also believes that their beauty stems from the fact that they are alive, so he argues and stresses a lot when deciding what to do in simple situations like these.

His edginess belongs to his impulsiveness and his style only at any other situation he's a complete softboy.

And I'm certain he knows a variety of card tricks. He enjoys showing off, and he enjoys it even more when you become fascinated and beg him to share the trick.

If you're a morning person, you'll probably spend your mornings alone in solitude, finishing work before the day begins, but if you're a night owl, you and Felix will go out for night walks and Felix would go out for night walks, sharing headphones to play some music, enjoy each others presence and develop a habit of watching the sunrise together.

Felix makes you playlists at the most random times and with the most random names. Until one day he sent you a playlist at around 4 a.m called “you”, filled with his favorite music. He usually sees music as a safe space for himself and now that you are his safe place too it’s only appropriate for him to do so. This only further proves how he spends his time thinking about you.

I feel like Felix would have what most would call "attachment issues" but it’s mainly because of his protective tendencies. This is not to say that he’s this "overly jealous toxic" character; rather, he has never had anyone to truly call his own in his entire life so he would do anything to protect it.

Felix is also big on astrology, so if you want the perfect birth chart, he'll give it to you. Also he owns a lovely deck of tarot cards, and if you ask him for a love reading, he can't manage to keep his words and feelings to himself so he modifies your reading according to him and his desires. Let the boy abuse his powers for the sake of love.

His style could be described as dark academia, his wardrobe mainly consists of dark colors, lots and lots of blazers and a lot of oversized shirts. He also loves jewelry so he owns a lot of rings and chains. Just so you know, if you're wearing any of his rings, his heart is doing cartwheels.

Is it obvious that he loves it when you place your hand in his and play with his rings with your fingertips.

Spoil him. Buy him that baby blue hoodie with cat ears.

“Ah, you look adorable.” “Isn’t it a bit too b-big ?” “You could say that. Do you mind ?” “No, I like it that way.” “I would know.” You smirk followed by felix’s gasp. “If you so desperately wanted a cat boy you know you have me right ?” Nudging your shoulder, Sage leapt into the conversation. “What is he talking about ?”  Felix grumbled, only to notice two fuzzy triangular fabrics on top of his head as he brushed his fingertips over it.

He’s obsessed with your hands, kissing your knuckles, drawing circles in your palm. At a certain point it became an involuntary gesture he does it quite often without realizing.

He’s also canonically extremely blushy but he would never admit it. You’re convinced he uses some sort of make up because it is not possible for the pink dusting his cheeks to look this good.

He insists that you’re cold even in the warmest weathers because he wants to see you in his coat.

Sage forces Felix to take his thirst trap Tiktoks.

He really appreciates it when you add to his herbal tea collection without him noticing and he considers it a sign of affection because he takes his tea very seriously.

He loses it when you call him baby he gets flustered and frustrated but it’s all because it rolls off of your tongue so nicely that he can’t get enough of it.

Felix owns a broad collection of scented lip balms some of them are tinted. You didn’t hear this from me.

He never once took anything the Sage says seriously until he saw how well you two got along. He never thought that he would be standing there taking relationship and flirting advice from the frat boy.

Felix is a complete asshole when he wants to. He’s very verbal about it too. Consistent sarcastic remarks and eye rolls. I mean it runs in his blood, look at Escell.

You love it when he suddenly whips out the confident Felix, it’s not a daily occurrence you know.

When Felix is concentrated, he’s lost and there’s almost no way you or anything else can distract him. So it’s time to grab some colorful hair clips and ties to fuck around with his hair.

Felix is not the best at verbally expressing his gratitude towards you. He doesn’t know what he would do if you weren’t there for him at the lowest points of his life where normally he would close himself and bare the weight of his family problems and personal life issues that he can’t seem to get out of. Now he has you, someone who’s willing to listen to him and offer him a warm embrace when he needs the most. 

While you to play games together, when he wins he wears that iconic shit eating grin of his with pride looking at you through the corner of his eye. “Shit, what do you want me to say to that felix ? Perhaps I should call you master now that you won ‘one’ fucking round.” He is praying that the screen light is covering the fact that he is a blushy mess after hearing you say that.

NSFW

I cannot stress this enough but he is extremely vocal in bed. Whining, trying to restrict himself from making too much noise but failing miserably.

Muffled pants, choked sobs and lots of pleasure infused tears.

He loves getting praised during sex but what he loves more is to get praised after it’s all over. Like you telling him how great he was, how well he behaved, how good he made you feel. He experiences sub drops a lot so please assure him that he did well :(

He’s into power-play but not in a submissive or dominant kind of relationship, it’s more of a psychological thing where the fact that he can see how good he makes you feel gives him a rush of confidence and adrenaline.

I believe that this motherfucker is a masochist, pain makes him more excited than getting an update on his favorite author who went on a year long hiatus and that is saying a lot.

Bite him. Scratch him. It is so stimulating for him he can reach his high just from those actions.

Fuck do anything to his ears bite, lick, pull, blow on it. He is extremely sensitive so anything you do will basically drive him out of his mind. It will most definitely lead to him trembling beneath your fingertips.

You must think that you are the only one who is such a tease but you’re wrong. Felix teases you quite often mostly to direct your attention towards him or to keep your attention on him. He’s quite greedy when it comes to you and your hands on his body. Unbuttoning unnecessary amount of buttons on his shirt to show a little skin that he knows you’ll notice. Playing with his necklace placing the chain between his lips dragging it towards the inside of his bottom lip teasing the metallic charm with the tip of his tongue. He definitely ain’t oblivious he knows exactly what he’s doing and he makes sure that you know exactly what he’s doing.

When he’s in the mood he will tug the hem of your top meanwhile his eyes are glued to the floor or graze the temples of his glasses between his lips, his teeth lightly nibbling the pointy edge. He loves to play dumb too. When you question him, he acts like he doesn’t intend anything and that you need to get your head out of the gutter.

At the end of the session Felix looks divine. Drool leaking down from his bottom lip to his jaw line towards his neck, his bangs sticking on his sweat coated forehead, his chest rising up and down quickly. His eyes rolled at the back of his head, his hands still clutching tightly to the sheets. Faint whimpers and deep breaths filling the air.

Leading up to the after care, his shy self returns. He buries his face to your chest hiding his blushy cheeks beneath the palms of his hands.

He likes to experiment a lot and you are his favorite subject.

It shouldn’t be surprising to find random kink definitions or role-play ideas on the search history of your laptop. After all Felix just asked for it to write an email, that’s all there is to it. That’s until you offer to try them out.

He doesn’t act upon his jealousy, what he does instead is that leaving marks on you especially around your neck and your chest where he knows it will show. Don’t cover them up if you don’t wanna deal with him.

“People just don’t appreciate art anymore.” “Felix these are, hickeys.” “Oh so now you are judging my art medium ?” “Since when proving Sage that I got railed by you is a form of art ?”

I didn’t see anyone point this out but whenever he is in the sub space he tends to be more on the bratty side. He starts of shy but his confidence builds up as the tension rises. Meaning that you should be ready to get your patience tested.

When you two are in separate places your suggestive words and tone leads up to phone sex, which Felix secretly fantasized about a lot. What made everything even more dirty was the fact that you didn’t know that he was laying on your bed surrounded by your scent and humping your pillow. Once you come back home you are greeted with a fresh pair of sheets on your bed. Apparently Felix decided to do you a favor and clean your room as well as the the whole house. He’s crossing fingers that you don’t notice because he knows that he’ll never hear the end of it.

Felix knows a lot about sex but his knowledge is based upon fiction rather than experience. So, naturally, he is more interested about learning specifically how your body responds to certain actions, what you enjoy and what you’re interested in so teach him. He’s a good student and oh well he’s a quick learner.

Pull his hair pull his hair put his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair pull his hair.

When he settles between your legs as he ties his hair, he places the hairband between his lips and looks up at you with half lidded eyes. It’s his definition of torture.

Even though he doesn’t give off that vibe, he is very freaky if you would’ve known what his AO3 tags consisted of you would agree.

Tag list is open

[tunafishprincess]

Spirited Away Au Snippet

While the rest of the spirits were only just beginning to wake up, Deku was finishinghis last delivery for the evening. Or rather, he was supposed to. Transparent phantoms appeared in the periphery of his vision, alerting him of how much time had passed.

Just one more, he thought grimly, determined to complete the task.

This would have been so much easier if his body had not betrayed him this morning. It was doing that a lot more often as of late, much to his consternation.

He wasn’t stupid. Deku knew the consequences that came with eating food of the spirit realm. His changing body was a testament to that. The alternative was being forgotten (which Deku considered was the kiddy version adults use to explain disappearing into nothingness) and Deku quite preferred living, thank you very much.

The initial fear he held had long given way to exasperation with the situation. Heightened senses were alright. His increased appetite was manageable. The horns were itchy when they came in, but tolerable. He didn’t even see them most of the time, both hidden beneath curly locks.

He glared down at the culprit. It shifted restlessly, a perfect reflection of his mood.

A tail. A bloody tail. Waking up to the sight had been a shock. His balance, already a subject of jokes among the bathhouse workers, was greatly affected to the point that even walking took mental effort. Toshinori, bless him, helped cut some trousers for him to wear, but it still took him twice as long as normal to do his job, thanks in part to the tourists.

He swears the witch must have put a magical sign on his back. As the day dragged on more and more spirits popped out of the shadows to brush a hand or feather or claw down the serpentine limb as if he were some sort of luck charm. He knew river dragons were popular with spirits, but he never expected they would be coming to him.

The pearlescent scales seemed alive, shimmering under the sunset’s fading light. A trail of dark green fur ran down between them, ending at the tip with a ball of hair not unlike the one on his head. Deku buried his face in his hands. This was the worst.

Slimy cold fingers touched the base of his tail, shaking him out of his train of thought. Deku gave a full-body shudder, goosebumps riding up his arms. His face flushed, his tolerance of the nonconsensual touching reaching an all-time high. It reminded him too much of his last school’s bullies.

What could he do though? He worked for the bathhouse. The witch would have his head if he yelled at one of the guests. Sweat trickled down his brow as anxiety settled in his stomach. He could even be fired. He finally looked around, staring down at the perpetrator.

Oh sweet kami, it was a family of kappa. The biggest kappa, the one Deku presumed was the father, was gesturing for his younglings to come and touch the magical appendage like he were Disney character performer. The children were at least more bashful. In fact, they looked terrified. All of them did now, the father Kappa dropping his hold.

Well, well, well, he inwardly remarked, thought you could get away with it, didn’t you?

Alas, it was not he who scared them off, Deku soon discovered. Almost immediately he noticed a heavy shadow, its size increasing with every step its welder took. The family of Kappas froze, the oldest white as a sheet.

“Run along now,” a deep patronizing voice stated. “I suggest you don’t touch what’s not yours, otherwise, your luck might run out next time.”

The Kappas scampered off. They weren’t the only ones. Any lingering spirits suddenly found themselves busy, abandoning the street until he and the worst dragon he could have come across were the last ones left.

“Lord All Rivers in One,” Deku addressed coldly.

“Please, enough of the formality. Call me papa,” the dragon remarked, red eyes scanning the child up and down, his own tail swishing beneath the folds of his rich fabrics.

The boy pointedly chose to ignore the request. Instead, he stated plainly, “You didn’t have to do that. I can handle myself just fine.”

The man bent down. Even kneeling to one knee he towered over Deku. His claw-tipped fingers came to rest on his jaw. “Really now? Is that what ‘just fine’ is these days for you younglings?”

“None of your business. Anyways, I have work to do,” Deku stated, twirling around with his bag in hand. Sadly, his tail did not follow through with the movement. He tripped, falling face first and losing any remaining dignity he had.

Tears prickled his eyes. Stupid tail. Stupid dragon. He discreetly wiped them away as he got back up. Bag in hand, he tried to stomp off (albeit awkwardly).

“You know…” The dragon began. “I think I have a solution to this problem of yours.”

Deku stopped in his tracks. He tilted his head, suspicion in his guarded gaze. “Explain.”

He motioned for the boy, fangs peeking out from his widening smile. “Come here. You’ve been walking wrong all day today. It’s time you had some lessons.”

“Just tell me what I need to do.”

“It cannot be explained in mere words. If it could be I imagine that mutt would have helped you. But he can’t. I can.” His eyes glittered like rubies. “Let me assist you, from one dragon to another.”

“I’m not a dragon,” he grumbled but complied, too desperate to do otherwise.

A large warm hand pressed against his back, gently positioning him while the other rested on his sternum. “The tail of a dragon holds more weight than that of a mere wolf or other common beast. It is an extension of our being. Lean forward here, it will tire your back muscles for now but you’ll get used to it,” he explained.

“The weights gone,” the boy whispered.

“No, just redistributed,” All Rivers in One answered. “ Now, if you’re catching the tail on things or going down those crowded narrow streets, you’ll need to wrap it.”

He lifted a brow. “Wrap my tail? With what? Cloth?”

“No, no,” he barked a laugh, his tail lifting up from behind him. “Like this.” Within moments he wrapped the tail around his waist, fitting the end up and over like a sash.

That...was a pretty good idea actually. Deku copied the movement. It wasn’t as nice looking as the other’s, the young boy stuffing the end into his belt, but it did the job.

Deku bit on his bottom lip. All Rivers in One always seemed to have a hidden agenda but this time he had been relatively helpful. Maybe Deku was wrong about him? The dragon smirked; Deku frowned. Well, perhaps he wasn’t completely wrong about him.

Giving a deep bow of respect, he said, “Thank you, Lord All—Lord Shigaraki.” and left it at that, leaving for his last delivery before his night job at the bathhouse.

The dragon lord waved his hand at the disappearing figure. Once the dragonling was out of earshot, his smile stretched even larger, a soft purr leaving his mouth. The scant remaining good part of him wondered whether he should have told the boy only hatchlings tied their tails around their waists like that, but the vast majority of All Rivers in One relished seeing his little Stream acting childish instead of that boorish adult facade he tried to imitate.

It won’t last for much longer, he thought with a dark smile, getting up from the ground and turning into one of the alleys, back for his villa so he could finish preparations. The boy’s humanity was nearly gone. Sources told him the boy had already forgotten his last name. All lovely news in the dragon’s book.

The young hatchling’s days were numbered at that bathhouse. He would have both his wife and son in his arms soon enough. His tail flicked back and forth excitedly. He just had to be patient.