#IT NEVER ADDS UP I HATE ITTTTT | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

zelzablues · 4 months ago

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Reaction time with Zelza 😹

“it’s all been so strange, because you’ve seen sam go through it all, kiss them all, love them all in some way or another, and you’re pretty sure all it’s done is make you love him more. at this point, you’re sure that you’ll never love anyone the way that you love sam. unceasingly, ardently, passionately, and for now, quietly.”

Alexa play bad religion by Frank ocean NOW!

“but you don’t want to overwhelm him”

FUCK ALLAT!

“we know how to test for the shifter and we all can take care of ourselves,” dean says

Yes Dean because that’s worked out great so many times before

“hey. yeah, it’s me,” he says, holding out his hand and knife to show you as he slices a thin line across his forearm”

I don’t believe you actually

“then you hear footsteps, and a split second later, your name being called in sam’s voice. only it wasn’t the sam holding you who said it, it was someone behind you. it only takes a millisecond for everything to click. this sam”

Wow this is humbling

before you can process it, that exact knife is being plunged into your gut. you let out a strangled cry of pain.

Us core

“you get his voice and his hands, one sliding under your neck to cup the back of your head and the other pressing hard against your wound. he winces when you grunt in pain at that, but keeps his hand in place.”

Yo I’m ngl just leave me for dead 😣

“so, you gonna let us in on what the hell you were thinking back there?” he asks, sounding ready to just about throw his hands up in the air. “did you really not follow the single rule we set? it almost got you killed.”

Unfortunately I am my Father’s daughter so I would result to violence after hearing this with Stiches in my stomach

“you should’ve been more careful.” his voice is unexpectedly hard and cold, devoid of his usual guilt and gentleness.

BLAME ME GAME!!! DEAN AND SAM FIGHTING FOR FIRST FUCKING PLACE

“so, sam’s going to run, sam’s not going to let you any closer, sam is going to keep you at an arm’s length.”

I HATE WHEN MEN MAKE STUPID DECISIONS 😫

“we have to talk.”

Bout time girl fuck

“yes. you should go.”

Wait what 😸

“add me to your list of ghosts before i’m even dead, and know, without a doubt, that this time it really was you who did. you lit the match, sam. you pulled the trigger.”

NOW THATS HOW YOU CLEAR A BITCH!

you grab your bag from the floor by the bed and walk past him to take all the cash from his wallet.

Not only did she say fuck you but she’s taking the money right in front of ur face. Sam buck up bruh

————————————————————————-

Overall I’m making jokes but ain’t shit funny. This was so well written and genuinely so Sam core that it made me wanna rewatch the show just to imagine me punching him in the neck 😔 I’m sitting here upset as hell BUT I LOVE IT!!!!!! I LOVE IT I LOVE ITTTTT!!! Angst always has a special place in my heart.

my boy only breaks his favorite toys — sam winchester

pairing : sam winchester x gn!reader ➖⟢ genre : angst ➖⟢ cw : canon typical violence, injuries, knives, non-sexual partial nudity, guilty sam, rejection, talk of death/dying, sort of a case fic at first, mentions of stitches, lots of feelings, poorly edited & my first(?) attempt at a full angst fic lol. set in season 5, so some spoilers! ➖⟢ wc : 10.6K ➖⟢ listen to : my boy only breaks his favorite toys by taylor swift summary : you get injured and sam realizes he's more scared of getting you hurt than he is of anything else, even losing you and your love.

to be in love is the strangest experience. to be in love for a long time, for years on end with little to no reciprocation is even stranger.

somehow, you can watch him fall in love with someone else, kiss somebody new, romance another girl, and be blindsided by a fourth. jess you could never be mad at. she seemed too sweet and good for sam, for you to dislike. madison never did anything wrong either, but you did hate how much she unintentionally hurt him. sarah, too, was sweet and brave and helpful and she made him smile. that, of course, didn’t stop you from wanting to be that person instead, but you didn’t feel like you could complain.

ruby, you still feel rightfully angry with sometimes. for sam’s sake, you wanted her help to be real and true, but it felt clear to you from the beginning that not everything was right. now you’re dealing with the apocalypse and sam’s guilt that you alternate between wanting him to let go of and wanting him to feel it just a little bit longer.

besides, jess and madison are dead, so it’s unkind to be too jealous of them, and you’re sure that sam hasn’t spoken to sarah in years. and ruby’s dead too, so she doesn’t pose a threat any longer.

it’s all been so strange, because you’ve seen sam go through it all, kiss them all, love them all in some way or another, and you’re pretty sure all it’s done is make you love him more. at this point, you’re sure that you’ll never love anyone the way that you love sam. unceasingly, ardently, passionately, and for now, quietly.

but after the knowledge of the looming apocalypse has come the strangest part of it all. having loved sam since he was seventeen and secretly doing everything in his power to get away from this all, you know him and each of his mircroexpressions and tones of voice all too well. and these days, sam looks at you in ways that you’ve never noticed before. these days, sam looks at you like he’s trying to figure out if he’s in love with you.

it’s not as if you’d given up hope completely, because no one who’s as in love as you are ever will, but you’ve learned how to live with unrequited love. the pain can be stabbing and all-consuming sometimes, but it’s survivable so long as he doesn’t stop smiling at you or letting you rest in his lap or being the only one to call you a special nickname. even if you’re not the love of his life like he is yours, you’ll always mean something to him as his closest friend.

so now, it catches you off guard when sam looks at you as if he’s considering the possibility that you’re the one who hung the stars up in the sky or talks to you with this gentle joy that’s just somehow different from before. those moments are rare, but incredible to have when you consider the looming apocalypse that sam is blaming himself for. he’s battling the fact that he’s supposed to be the vessel to the devil himself, but he still finds the time to hold your pinky finger for a fleeting moment and not say a word about it. and now, sam does that thing where you say something and it makes him smile, and instead of casually holding your gaze like he used you, his gaze will falter and he’ll tilt his chin down and lick his lips as if he’s suddenly shy around you.

last night, dean was out and you and sam were researching for the case you’re working on. you ended up sitting side by side on your shared bed, trying to get comfy as the hours dragged on and the moon moved higher through the sky. completely unprompted, sam had lifted his arm up and around your shoulders, using his gentle hand to cup the side of your head and bring it to rest on his wide shoulder.

your heart soared and you did your best to keep researching, but the lull of his breathing and the clacking of the keyboard as he typed one handed sang you to sleep right then and there, tucked all cozy into his side.

you waking up in his arms certainly set the tone for today. this case is ugly and there was another victim last night, but sam has this sweet, touchy air about him. as you walk to the crime scene his hand lingers unprofessionally close to the small of your back, and from the tightness to his lips, you’re guessing that he’s holding back from saying something he knows will make you laugh.

you resist the urge to give him a secret smile, soft and loving because you’re selfish enough to try and get him to see that you want him like this. you want him to see that you already love him back, and all he has to do is let himself fall. but you don’t want to overwhelm him, so you go about assessing the crime scene and interviewing the witness like he’s your fbi partner and not the person you love most in this world.

the witness’s statement along with the security camera footage that dean saw at the police station confirms that you’re up against a shapeshifter. much like the first one the three of you hunted together in ‘05 it seems to be disguising itself as a loved one before killing its victims.

“this thing can shapeshift to look like literally anybody, but it can’t come up with something original?” dean jokes.

sam shrugs in his usual sam way. “well, it is an effective method,” sam reasons, despite knowing that dean’s just making fun. sam’s not even looking at dean; his eyes alternate from checking his computer screen where he scouts out city plumbing maps to find the best places in the sewer to look for the shifter, to letting his eyes roam over your features. you wonder if you’ll have to get used to sam staring at you as much as you do him. though, you can’t say that that’s a bad thing by any stretch. maybe he’ll finally notice the way that you look at him and maybe he’ll finally realize that it might be you who he’s been loving this whole time.

sam stands from his spot across from you, grabbing a map of the city from the bedside table. instead of returning to his original spot, he slots himself right next to you to lay the map out on the table. he runs a hand along the length of it, crossing your chest and brushing your nose with the fabric of his flannel before moving his hand back to rest right beside yours on the table top. he leans over the map and you tilt youu head to look up at him as he points out the most likely spots that the shifter could be hiding out at. you only pay half attention as he speaks, more able to take in the sight of his lips moving than the actual words that they’re forming. you’re not uncareful, you just know that sam will make sure you and dean remember the most important things when you get in the car.

—

“are you sure splitting up is a good idea?” sam stresses from the passenger seat of the impala.

“we know how to test for the shifter and we all can take care of ourselves,” dean says, repeating just about the same thing that he said before.

you lean forward in your seat. “we’ll be fine, sam. i agree, it’s not ideal, but there’s a lot of ground to cover and we can’t let the shifter get to anyone else,” you reason.

“i know,” he huffs, still unconvinced due to the possible dangers. but, there’s always danger, and if you’re siding with dean, he knows he doesn’t stand much of a chance of winning the argument anyway.

—

the sewers are dark, damp, and smell like shit. they grow even darker as the sun begins to set above ground and you’re grateful for the bright flashlight that you have on hand. you’ve been tramping through the dark and sewer waste for over an hour and heard nothing helpful from the boys.

you keep your silver knife at the ready, in case you run into anything or anyone. you all agreed that if you see each other, the very first order of business is to test yourself with your own knife to be sure. when you hear footsteps, you immediately press yourself against the wall, doing your best to stay hidden until you can see what’s heading your way. the second you see a person’s frame, you immediately recognize it as sam. he told you that you’d probably run into each other at some point, so you relax a touch. even so, you keep your knife in front of you as you step into the pathway.

“sam?” you call out, stopping a good length away from him.

“hey. yeah, it’s me,” he says, holding out his hand and knife to show you as he slices a thin line across his forearm. you sigh in relief, then quickly repeat the action to confirm to him that you’re you as well.

“you heard from dean?” you ask, closing the space between the two of you. sam meets you halfway, shaking his head.

“nothing,” he sighs, turning back where he came from.

“damn. an hour in the sewers and we’ve got jack,” you frown. “exactly how i like to spend my friday nights.”

“course it is, it’s the perfect date spot,” he jokes back, leading you left, down a new path you assume he skipped on his way over to you.

“mmm, does that mean we’re on a date, winchester?” you flirt. he takes the quip with composure as you step back into a main hallway, wide enough to walk side by side. he waits for you to be next to him before he continues. he didn’t even laugh a little awkwardly at your comment like he normally might. he must be in a flirty mood.

“if that’s what you want,” he flirts back, flashing you his gorgeous grin. the passage is still sort of tight, so his knuckles continually brush against the back of your hand, and the fabric of his jacket rustles against yours.

“being a flirt today, are we?” you tease, maybe pushing the limits a little.

“just for you,” he fires back, and that just about stuns you into silence. he’s in an awfully good mood for someone stuck hunting a killer in the sewers under an unfamiliar city. you nudge him playfully with your elbow, not even sure how to respond with words. so with that, you fall into a comfortable, familiar silence, the only sounds being the echo of your sloshing footsteps through the sewer.

out of boredom, sam teases you with his pinky finger, sticking it out and poking your hand with it. you push back gently, playing along. he escalates the game by poking your side. you giggle a little, swatting at his big hand.

“stop that!” you whisper-shout. “what if the shapeshifter comes along and we’re too distracted because you’re tickling me?” his proximity, his flirting, and his goddamn smile are already distracting enough.

“i wasn’t tickling you, just poking,” he teases, but doesn’t do it again since you’re right enough.

“yeah, you said that last week after you did that. it tickles, which means you’re tickling me,” you retort before letting the silence fall over you again.

you head down a narrow path, forcing sam to walk behind you. even then, you can feel his closeness. a minute later, you step out into a wider area where a grate lets in a stream of moonlight. sam comes out after you, stopping by your side. the moonlight casts a glow on his face and, like you always do, you can’t help but think about how pretty he looks, even after a long hour and counting of traipsing around in a sewer. continually, even in the more open space, he stays right by your side, close enough for your elbows to brush.

“think we should call dean?” he suggests, “regroup, maybe call it a night?”

you tilt your head to the side in acknowledgment. “tempting,” you respond, “i’m getting hungry. let’s at least call him, then go from there.” you step further into the space in fron of you, trying to escape the chilly draft coming from the narrow pathway you came in from. but the floor in here is slicker than you realize, and you slip embarrassingly hard, completely losing your footing and letting out a short gasp as you fall.

sam’s instincts are impeccable as always, and a strong arm wraps around your waist before you can fall too far. once you’re steady, sam doesn’t move to pull you all the way up and onto your own feet. he just keeps you dependant on his hold to stay off the slippery floor and brings his other hand to meet the one wrapped around your side. he looks down at you, half of his face illuminated by moonlight, the other half fallen into shadow. you stare right back up at him, flustered but too happy for any sort of such purposeful physical contact with him to care about that.

it feels like a movie with you in his arms like this, willingly stuck there by the both of you. then he leans down closer to you and your eyes widen. in the partial darkness, he looks at you like he’s no longer just wondering if he loves you, more like he knows it for sure. he looks at you with such unabashed love, so overwhelming in a way that you hadn’t expected from him for a long while, if ever. you think that for sure he’s going to kiss you, and you know even better that you’d let him without a second thought.

this certainly isn’t how you imagined it’d be at all. not this soon and not in the middle of a sewer system, surrounded by awful smells and an unpleasant humidity. you suppose that the moonlight filtering down is nice enough, and that you’d never expected anything grandiose or overly romantic with him anyway.

then you hear footsteps, and a split second later, your name being called in sam’s voice. only it wasn’t the sam holding you who said it, it was someone behind you. it only takes a millisecond for everything to click. this sam, the one holding you close, cut himself with a knife you recognized. that’s why you didn’t bat an eye, but you failed to remember that that particular knife of sam’s isn’t made of silver, just a weaker and ineffective metal alloy.

before you can process it, that exact knife is being plunged into your gut. you let out a strangled cry of pain.

sam, the real sam, shouts your name again and you think you hear his running footsteps until he stops dead in his tracks when the shifter yanks the knife from your stomach and puts it to your throat. you cry out again, choking a little on your own breath as you stretch your neck, trying to see your sam.

but the shifter presses the knife down, drawing a line of blood on your neck and growls, “look at me. you’re going to watch your precious little sammy as he slices your throat.”

you can imagine sam putting his hands in the air, mouth open and ready to talk the shifter out of it when you hear two loud gunshots, and you’re dropped to the floor, too shaken up to break your own fall. your head hits the ground hard, and the next thing you can register is sam again. you get his voice and his hands, one sliding under your neck to cup the back of your head and the other pressing hard against your wound. he winces when you grunt in pain at that, but keeps his hand in place.

“hey, hey. stay with me. look at me, c’mon.” his words are followed by your name, said in a sweet and desperate sort of way. you’re still dazed, but your head begins to clear up a bit. above you, sam’s face is pinched in worry, so much more worry than you’d expect him to express because of something as easily fixed as a measly stab wound.

it’s not completely inconsequential and it’s bleeding a whole lot more than you’d like, but you’ve dealt with this sort of thing and worse before. sam will stitch you up and you’ll be as good as new in a few days. even better, cas might come around soon and he’ll fix it right up for you.

“‘m fine, sam,” you grumble as dean drops down by your other side.

“shifter’s dead. we should go,” he says, more to sam than you since he’s clearly the most worried out of you all. dean places his hands on your arm, ready to help you up, but sam just pulls you into his arms and up against his chest. he stands and you wince from the pain of the movement, but relax a little seconds later. you expected to limp out of this nasty place, one arm slung around each of the boys as they do the heavy lifting but keep you on your feet. it seems sam won’t risk even that; he needs you closer, more protected, and in less pain.

dean leads the way to an exit, climbing up the ladder first and opening the heavy grate. only when you urge him to does sam let you down. he knows that he can’t carry you up, but he sure would have liked to. instead, he has to settle for lifting you as best as he can, his strong hands never straying from you until they’re on your ankles and dean’s got you, pulling you up the rest of the way and letting you lean on him until sam reappears.

the fresh air is amazing to breathe in and to feel on your skin, but what you’d most like is to be laying in bed after a long, hot shower. and to not be in quite as much pain. you sigh into dean’s jacket, and just a second later he’s shifting you back into sam’s waiting arms. he doesn’t sweep you up this time, but he keeps you steady while dean jogs off to get the impala and bring it to you. with strong hands, sam eases you to the curb on the side of the road and wraps his arms around you, keeping a wide palm pressed against your wound to staunch the bleeding.

as you wait, sam is silent, and not in the soft and comfortable way he often is around you. you’re sure that he’s got a million things to say, not all of them 100% fair to you and all of them completely worried.

and there’s just so much to say that he can’t choose, and he thinks that, for your sake, he should hold back. sam knows he can get a little too angry sometimes, and you’re bleeding badly with your face smushed unattractively against his shoulder and he knows that this isn’t the time. he shouldn’t yet interrogate you about what happened or tell you aloud that he’s overly worried about you because suddenly he’s feeling things for you that he didn’t realize he was feeling before.

you let him brood in silence, and though this is just about the closest physically that you’ve been with him today, he feels sort of distant and unreachable. it pains you.

when dean arrives, sam loads you into the car, piling into the back seat after you to give you a shoulder to lean on. you can feel dean’s eyes on you as he glances back through the rearview mirror, and you’re sure that he too wants to ask what happened, how the shifter managed to trick you despite the rules you’d set.

“dean, we should head to the hospital,” sam says, his voice cutting into the tense silence of the car. you shake your head weakly.

“no, sam. i’m fine, seriously.”

“no,” he counters, “you’re bleeding a lot. we’re going to the hospital to get you some real stitches.

“your stitches work just fine,” you argue, your words half lost in the fabric of his coat.

“and what if you need more than just stitches? we can’t risk that,” he presses, and you know he’s not going to give up.

“sammy’s right,” dean piles on, and you sigh, then wince in pain. you don’t even grumble out an annoyed, “fine,” and instead just like the silence take over again as a begrudging relentment.

When all the doctors do is give you a few stitches and an iv and let you out just an hour later, you resist the urge to say “i told you so.” but really, you’re glad for the professional help, knowing that, though you still feel like shit, you’re far better off than you would’ve been if you’d gone straight back to the motel. the car ride is quiet, but you know that you’re due for a bit of an interrogation when you get back.

tonight, dean starts it, because sam is practically brooding in the corner.

“i know, and i did,” you sigh, “but it tricked me. it had one of sam’s knives and it cut itself and i wasn’t paying enough attention to realize it wasn’t one of sam’s silver knives. it was a damn good actor too,” you explain. dean clenches his jaw, probably looking for some other point to make. these winchesters never know when to stop arguing. “we’ve all been tricked by shifters before. it happens, i messed up, you saved my ass. that’s all.”

you guess dean’s not in as much of a fighting mood as you thought, because he just shrugs. “you’re damn right about the ass saving part.”

you crack a wry smile, “guess it’s my turn to save your ass then.”

“only thing i need saving from now is that sewer stench. so i will call first dibs on the shower.” he leaves no room for argument on that front as he disappears into the bathroom. only then do you glance at sam, wondering if he’ll say something. his expression has got so many emotions swirling around that it’s almost unreadable. but you’re you, and you know him and love him in a way that nobody else does, so you can decipher it all pretty well. there’s anger, like always, probably targeted at the shifter and a bit misplaced in you for getting yourself hurt. then there’s guilt, because, in classic sam fashion, he likely thinks that it’s his fault.

you’d put the pieces together a bit ago in the hospital. the red marks above sam’s eyebrow and around his wrists and the shifter having sam’s knife and appearance tells you that the shifter got the jump on sam. it probably hit him over the head, tied him up, and stole his knife after stealing his appearance and accessing his memories. and though you can know that it’s clearly not sam’s fault the shifter got to you, he’ll still think so.

he’s thinking that because the shifter got the drop on him, you got hurt. he’s thinking about how trusting you were because it looked like him, about the position he found you in, and though he couldn’t see it, he knows the look you were giving his lookalike. he’s sure that it was that syrup-sweet, honey-dripping-from-your-eyes look that he’s been all too aware of and all too fond of these days. and because of that, it must be his fault.

on top of that, he feels like he was the one to do it. you got hurt by something with his face. you were almost killed and the last thing you would have seen would have been a cold, dark smirk on his face as he killed you. that thought pained him more than anything he could express.

you, of course, don’t yet understand the full depth of his guilt, but it bothers you anyways. you wish that sam could stop blaming himself for everything bad that’s ever happened when all he’s ever done is try to be good. while in the midst of wondering if you should speak first, interrupt his self-destructive thoughts and tell him it’s not his fault, he beats you to it.

“you should’ve been more careful.” his voice is unexpectedly hard and cold, devoid of his usual guilt and gentleness. tonight, he’s more focused on his anger. and of course, you know it’s because of that guilt that he lashes out, but it hurts nonetheless. even so, you want to soften him and get him to open up, so you apply the opposite tactic as him.

when you speak, you let your voice be full of emotion, of sincerity and gentleness and understanding. “i know, sam. i’ll pay more attention next time, i promise. but i’m okay.”

this catches him off guard a bit. normally, when he targets misplaced anger at you, you fire back and tell him how stupid it is that he’s trying to blame you. he already knows it’s stupid, and your soft eyes make him even more guilty. it’s not as if he’s being just as silly this time, but your approach works, a little.

sam does soften a bit; you can see the slight change in the way that he holds his shoulders, but it’s not enough to get him to admit that he’s just worried and blaming himself. all you get is pursed lips and a tight brow. he just can’t get over the image of himself plunging a knife into you, can’t get over your cry of pain or the feel of your hot and sticky blood seeping through the cracks of his fingers.

sam’s realizing that, for all the countless times you’ve come close to death, this is the first time since he’s started to think that he’s most likely in love with you. and that, more than anything else in the world, not the literal devil or the apocalypse or whatever, is the scariest thing that sam’s had to realize and endure in a long time.

now, sam can’t run from being lucifer’s vessel. even if he never gives in, he has to confront it and fix it somehow. he certainly can’t run from the apocalypse, or the world will end. he can’t have that, not when the world is you. it’s his responsibility. sam can’t run from those things, but he sure as hell can run from the way he feels about you. and he’d do that because he can’t afford to be in love with you. you can’t afford for him to be in love with you or for you to be in love with him because it seems like that’s already gotten you stabbed by a hand that looks just like his own. and all that’s happened between the two of you is playful flirting, sidelong glances, and shared smiles, so he can’t imagine what might happen if things go an inch further than they already have.

he got jess killed, he hurt you bad with ruby, and though sarah’s still alive as far as he knows, he attributes that to the fact that she’s far, far away from him. not to mention the people he loved like family who are dead because of him too. that’s another horrifying thought because even if sam didn’t love you the way that he does, he’d surely still love you some other way.

so, sam’s going to run, sam’s not going to let you any closer, sam is going to keep you at an arm’s length. he’ll stop looking at you like he wants you, he’ll stop hovering so near, he’ll quit his goal of making you smile or laugh at least three times a day, and he’ll do everything he can to make sure you don’t love him too much. he can’t let you tell him you love him, he can’t let you confess because he’ll be too far gone if he hears that come out of your mouth. he’s gonna run because he’s decided with horror and glory all at once that yes, he does love you, and that’s the worst thing he could do to you other than slit your throat with his own two shaking hands.

from where you sit, just feet apart, you can see sam grow more and more distant by the second. you can’t figure out what’s going through his head, but you’re sure you wouldn’t like it if you heard him say it aloud. you open your mouth to say something to him, get him to say something back, but you can’t find the words. anything you come up with gets stuck in the back of your throat before you can even make a sound.

sam looks at you, just for a fleeting moment that’s too fast and slippery for you to grab hold of it. his eyes hold regret, like he’s done something that he can’t take back, and he doesn’t like what he’ll have to do next in order to keep the consequences at bay.

then his eyes are gone from yours, along with that strange look, and you’re suddenly at a loss of how to reach out to him. it hurts because you know that what it will really take is time and patience, maybe more than he deserves.

you barely notice the time passing, but you watch sam take dean’s place in the bathroom and you can feel dean’s eyes on your back. you’re sure he can feel the shift in the air. when sam returns from the shower, you realize just how badly you want to get clean. you walk to the bathroom and feel a little lucky when you find a small plastic tub to fill with soapy water. you can’t take a real shower for the sake of keeping your stitches dry, but you’ll be damned if you can’t get that sewer stench off of yourself. when you bend to place the tub at the bottom of the bathtub, you grunt audibly in pain due to the movement. you sort of expect sam to come running to help like he always does, already surprised that he didn’t offer from the start when you told the boys you were going to wash up.

apparently, dean had expected the same; while he’s more than happy to be the one to help you, sam almost always beats him to that sort of thing before he can even try. you glance through the open door and see dean looking from you to sam, back to you before he stands from his bed in a rush.

“hey, hey, whatcha doin’ all that by yourself for? can’t have you busting any stitches, we paid for those,” he jokes, already in the bathroom with you by the time he’s finishes talking.

“pfft, yeah with stolen credit cards,” you retort, without actually resisting his aid. he takes your place by the faucet, nudging the bucket under it and turning on the hot water. you’re lucky that the shower doubles as a small bath, meaning you can easily sit in it alongside the bucket and just wipe yourself down without getting the floor wet.

you sit on the closed toilet seat as dean fills up the bucket, adds some soap, and mixes it around a little.

“want me to help you in?” he offers.

“mm, are you trying to see me naked?” you poke fun.

“and if i said yes?” he jokes back.

“then you’d never see the light of day again,” you threaten, already moving to slide off your jeans, with a bit of a struggle. dean’s strong hand immediately finds your elbow, holding you steady. you’re not worried about either brother seeing you in just your underwear. with the life you live, stuck in motels, or getting hurt in less than ideal spots, they’ve seen you that way plenty. and while dean can’t hold back from a lewd comment or two, he completely respects you and views you like another sibling. he helps you with your shirt too, as lifting your arms up proves even more painful than you’d thought.

dean kindly sets a folded towel down on the bottom of the shower bed for you to sit more comfortably, then helps you ease in. then he’s grabbing two clean wash rags, dunking one in the water and handing the other to you.

“try and keep those stitches as dry as you can,” he instructs, and you oblige by placing the dry rag over your covered wound. “we’ll change the bandages when you’re done.”

“mhmm,” you nod, “thank you, dean.”

“‘course, kid. you want me to get your back? or i can send sammy in to help instead,” he offers, saying that last part loud enough for sam to hear. you glance out the open bathroom door only to catch sight of sam’s back as he heads for the outside door. he moves out of your line of sight, but you can hear the door being open and shut behind him. you sigh in disappointment and a bit of hurt. dean curses lightly under his breath and you suddenly feel awkward and ashamed for no practical reason. but dean knows that sam isn’t being as good to you as he should, so he’s being extra nice instead.

“if you– if you could do it that would be nice. thanks,” you frown, then try to fix it with a strained smile. when dean is done, he hands the damp cloth to you, and you thank him again quietly.

“just holler if you need anything else,” he reminds you before walking out, leaving the door open by just a sliver.

you carefully wipe down the rest of your body, relishing in the heat of the water and the feeling of being just a little cleaner. you’re slow about it, letting yourself savor the alone time and telling yourself that you won’t worry about the events of the day until tomorrow. during the time that you clean yourself, you hear the outside door open and close twice more, and you assume sam’s come back and left again. by the time you’re done with the soapy water, it’s gone lukewarm, but you’re successfully feeling much more relaxed.

“dean!” you call out, hoping he’ll come and change the water for you so that you can get rid of any extra soap suds still lingering on your skin. there’s no reply for a long moment. “dean?” you call again. “can you help me again?”

without a word in response, you hear footsteps, then the creak of the bathroom door. instead of dean, you find sam poking his head into the room.

he clears his throat awkwardly. “dean left to get some more food. i can, uh– i can help.”

“oh, okay,” you smile at him a little, then feel sort of pathetic because of the hope that rises in your chest. you force your voice into nuetrality. “thanks, sam. i, uh, i just need to dump this out and get some new water. it’s just sort of heavy.”

“right, yeah. of course.” sam enters the room fully, filling up the small space with his tall, broad frame. when he gets close, you extend a hand, silently asking him to help you stand first, despite the fact that you could do it yourself with the help of the wall. but sam can’t very well deny you, so he obliges by grabbing your hand and placing the other around your bicep to hoist you up. his strong hands and arms pull you up easily, and help you back onto the tile floor. you feel the tickle of a rivulet of water run down your right leg, then a few more on your left. sam dutifully pulls the towel you were sitting on out and hands it to you before he dumps out the soapy water and turns on the faucet, checking the temperature before letting it splash into the bucket

you stand there in silence, watching him work, watching him keep his eyes averted from your almost naked form, watching him struggle with being so close to you.

“there,” he says simply when he’s done, grabbing the towel from you and placing it back on the bottom of the tub. once he’s eased you back down to sitting in the shower, he straightens and takes a step backwards towards the door. but he can’t just leave, not like that. “is there anything else you need?”

you think you’re allowed to be a little selfish sometimes, so you say yes. “uh, yeah. could you, uhm, could you just wipe down my back? i can’t tell if there’s still soap on it.” sam almost tells you that there isn’t and just walks away, but he caves to you and the look in your eyes.

he looks like he’s not sure if he wants to stiffen and close himself off and do it in silence, or soften and open himself up to being gentle with you. it seems he’s unable to treat you too coldly, no matter what sort of fear or silent commitments to staying clear of you he’s made.

“‘f course,” he agrees after a moment, getting down on his knees, pressed right up against the wall of the bathtub as he takes the wet rag from you and dips into the newly hot water. he keeps his eyes trained on the skin of your back, and you keep yours to the plain white surface of the tile wall in front of you. his hand is as gentle, warm, and encompassing as you know it to be. of course, he’s trying not to touch you directly, keeping most of his hand covered by up the cloth. but the motel rag isn’t a generous size, and his hands are, so the base of his palm or the pads of his fingertips keep brushing against your cool skin. he’s hot in comparison to you, as per usual.

the task doesn’t have to take long at all, but sam must be having trouble parting from you now that he’s back and so, so close. so, he takes the rag across the whole expanse of your back more than once, applying a gentle pressure that soothes and relaxes your still tense muscles. only once he’s heard a sigh of satisfaction leave your lips does he bring his hand away from you.

there’s a few more moments of quiet, only punctuated by the sounds of lightly sloshing water as he dips the rag back into the water, then squeezes it out so that it’s not too soaked for your next use. he hands it to you and asks, “anything else?” without getting up or even glancing at the door like he wants to escape. he lets himself look at your face for a moment, before tearing his gaze away once more.

you shake your head lightly. “that’s all. thanks.”

“mhmm,” he nods, “tell me if you need me.” that’s not how he meant to say things, but it’s how it came out anyways. and oh how you wish to tell him, i need you. he wants to hear you say it too, until he remembers himself and the fact that he’d cave if he did. and he can’t cave, not ever, not even if you told him that you need him. these days he feels like he needs you.

“okay.” you wait for him to leave before you put your attention back on yourself. when he closes the door behind himself, you heave out a deep sigh, then yawn, suddenly hit with a wave of bone-deep exhaustion. you make quick work of wiping off the rest of your body and brace yourself on the wall to stand. you’re not sure you can bear being stuck with sam in such close proximity again tonight, so you dress yourself with just a bit of trouble and leave the tub of water alone for one of the boys to take care of tomorrow.

when you leave the bathroom, dean’s still gone and sam’s laying on his bed. you almost tear up at the sight of him, tucked tightly into one half of the space and his back so purposefully facing your side of the bed. upset with this small cruelty, you climb into dean’s bed instead and fall asleep on your back before you can even change your bandages.

—

last night you caught sam reaching for your hand. he was motioning with the hand further from you, distracted as he complained about something dean said earlier. you glanced down for no particular reason and a movement caught your eye. his unoccupied hand had drifted closer to you, reaching out seemingly on instinct, as if walking next to you should mean holding hands with you. quickly, you looked away, and you never felt his hand even brush past yours. but you heard the rustle of his jacket as he moved, the pause in his words, and the shift in tone when he finally continued to speak. you don’t think he knows that you noticed.

and the day before that, he gave you this dazzling smile and didn’t even think twice about it. sometimes he’ll smile at you wide, and the pretty look on his face will be ripped away as if he’s had some horrible realization that smiling at you is somehow a sin. but this last time, the smile faded naturally, untouched by the overbearing hesitancy he seems to have kept clutched in his hands for the past few weeks since that night with the shapeshifter.

there’s this constant push and pull coming from him that you can’t quite wrap your head or heart around. many days, he’s distant and that’s it. all you get is talk of cases or how to stop the goddamn apolcalypse. other days he’s able to be decently normal; he’ll joke and chat a little and you’ll get a glimpse of your sam. and some days he just can’t stay away, like there’s this tug pulling him to you that’s too strong to resist. it calls his hand towards yours, his eyes all over your face, and his body to stand right by you. those days he can’t cover up any sort of longing gaze and he’s stuck staring right at you and missing you more than he ever imagined he’d have to.

you suppose you prefer the in between days, because they’re the closest to the sam that you’ve had by your side for so long. they’re closest to the sam that’s your best friend, the sam who didn’t know he loved you yet. those are the days you can most easily pretend that something isn’t wildly off about you and him, because dealing with unrequited love has sort of become your norm. and while the days he can’t hide that he feels more for you are a desirable confirmation that there’s some part of him that can’t resist you, they’re also a painful reminder that it’s not quite enough to keep him from distancing himself.

and lord, it just hurts so much when one of those sweet days turns sour. you’ll feel at ease, hopeful and glad for the day's luck, when suddenly the good day has turned too good or one of you has laughed too sweet and loud because of the other. at that, sam will instantly pull away as if it’s dangerous to be happy together. you can see his eyes change from content because of you to tortured because of you and all you want to do is take him by the shoulders and shake him hard. then mostly likely kiss him hard too, if you can get him to come to his senses.

of course, there’s that never ending love. you really don’t think you could stop loving him if you tried with all of your might. but there’s certainly anger. each day that passes by, you become angrier and angrier with him, so frustrated with him and his stupid decisions. with too much time to think about him and his odd behavior, you feel nearly sure that he’s just plain old afraid. of losing you or hurting you or some other classic, stupid reason and frankly, it’s completely unromantic. it’s making you feel like you’re losing your mind.

so when sam takes today, a half-normal day where you don’t feel the weight of his hesitance bearing down on you, and he snatches that away with a simple, closed-off expression, you feel far too fed up to just let it go.

dean’s off at some bar and though his support in your argument might help—because you’re almost positive that dean is on your side and is getting nearly as frustrated as you—you need to confront sam alone first.

you let silence reign in the motel room until sam’s done showering and about to settle into doing a bit of extra research before heading to bed.

“sam,” you start, already cursing to yourself when he looks at you without any of his usual eagerness to hear you talk. you’re sure he can already tell that you’re displeased from the way you said his name. “we have to talk.”

his jaw clenches and he glances down at the closed laptop in front of him. he contemplates how to answer for a moment. “i should really check for any signs of lucifer. we haven’t gotten anything new in weeks, we’re bound to catch wind of something soon.”

your anger flares, but you tamp it down in favor of keeping this conversation as civil as possible. an angry you plus an angry sam never ends well, and you’re determined to make yourself heard before either of you walk away in frustration.

“no, sam. don’t ignore me. i know that you checked during lunch today, so it can wait until tomorrow,” you counter.

“this is important, you know that.” his voice is so flat and emotionless and stubborn and so unlike him that it hurts.

“it is,” you agree, “but you already checked today, so i’m asking you not to make excuses and listen to me, sam. it’s not that hard.” you bite your tongue, almost wishing you hadn’t made that last biting comment because you know it’ll just antagonize him. but you also know that your anger is warranted.

you can see sam realizing he can’t get out of this conversation in the way that he purses his lips in frustration.

“i– y’know, i’ve really tried to give you time.” you don’t wait for him to really look at you to start. “we all need time sometimes, but it’s not fixing anything. you’re not… you’re not trying to fix anything, it feels like.”

he won’t even look at you when he talks. “what do you want me to fix?”

“the way you’re treating me!” you say, indignant and raising your voice a little, unable to hold back. “you– i don’t know, you’re acting so strange! like– like one second you’re normal. normal sam, my best friend sam. and then you act like you don’t want me around. like you’d rather be stuck in the car and motel rooms with anyone else in the world but me.” only once you start talking do you realize just how much you have to say. it’s not just stop acting this way, or let’s talk about it, it’s so much more. so much that you need him to hear and to understand.

your voice quiets again. “you know, once, you told me that i was a god-send. that, that you can put up with all this shit because we get to do it together. it’s always been you and me! of course, it’s always been you and dean, but sam! we’re best friends,” you say it more like a plea than a statement. “you used to say that. then it got to the point where it felt like we didn’t even have to say anything at all. we just were. it used to feel like you’d do anything for me, just like i’d do for you. i never even questioned that, not once until ruby came along. even then, i knew it wasn’t you. not an excuse, but i knew, once she was gone, you’d figure it out again. just like always. we always figure it out. so why, why for the love of god are you not even trying?” your own words hit you like a wall of bricks. when things happen, when things go wrong, or you don’t understand something, you’ve always figured it out together. what you’re supposed to do is voice your concerns to the other and usually without saying the words, ask for help. this time, sam won’t share the burden with you, won’t attempt to figure it out with you even when it so clearly involves you.

sam opens his mouth to speak, and at least he’s looking at you now, but you won’t let him say a word yet. he’ll shut you down, and you can’t have that.

“why do i suddenly feel so stuck? i feel like there’s nothing i can do, like you’re slipping away, right through my fingertips! and that’s just the strangest feeling when, for the longest time, i was convinced that you’d be the one constant in my life. i really, really thought that way, sam. and i get that i’m biased and blinded by my own feelings, i just never imagined that you’d do anything like this, pull away so suddenly and quickly and adamantly like it’s your life’s mission to put a bulletproof wall in between us. so, i guess at the very least, i’d like a bit of an explanation as to why you don’t want anything to do with me anymore.”

your question hangs in the air, heavier and more smothering than a water-soaked wool blanket. you suppose you could keep talking; you’re not anywhere near out of things to say, but you need him to respond. he’s the one letting the silence take over, not you. he takes a deep breath, like he’s known he’d have to explain eventually, but would never be the one to willingly bring it up.

he answers plainly, almost honest. “it’s safer this way. it’s dangerous for you to be close to me.” you want to scream because you were right. you would’ve loved to have been wrong, for him to have magically had some good reason for all this. but in the end, it has come down to the evils of the world pressing down on a good man and that good man caving to believe what the evils tell him he is. you want to scream because sam is wrong. being close to him feels like saving grace.

he’s not cursed, he’s not the cause of all the pain and death that rains down on the people he loves. and what about him? what about all the pain and death that rains upon him? where does he get reprieve, an apology for being singled out and tossed through all of these horrors by unexplainable forces? why can’t he blame god? why can’t he see that it’s not his fault?

“that’s not true,” you beg, “and it’s not an excuse to treat me like shit.” he looks away, a physical manifestation of the fact that he doesn’t want to admit that you’re right about at least that.

“i’m not trying to… to hurt you.” sam face just falls. he looks devastated. he wasn’t trying to hurt you, in fact, he was trying to do just the opposite, but it happened anyway. “see?” he pleads, desperate for you to understand, “no matter what i do, being around me is hurting you. i can’t keep putting people through that.”

“so what? you’re gonna pretend to hate dean too?” you counter.

sam looks hurt. “i wasn’t pretending to hate you. i’d never even pretend to feel that way about you, i–” he stops himself before he can say the words and clears his throat, not trying to be subtle when he changes the subject. “dean’s different. he’s involved in all this shit too. he doesn’t have a choice but to be around me, but you? you could be safe somewhere else.”

“and you think i want that? you think i’d make the choice to leave you, just to be a little safer?” you want to keep going, but he interrupts you.

“no, that’s exactly it. you’d never leave us, and i know that. but if– if we stay at a distance, you might be safer.” he’s doing everything he can not to make it sound like he wants you to go. he just can’t explain that the issue is that he loves you, that he thinks the solution is to stop loving each other.

“that’s bullshit,” you shake your head. “sam, i know that you think you’re cursed or some shit like that, but it’s not true. none of this is your fault.”

“how? how is it not my fault? the people i love die because of me, and no other reason. how is that not my fault?” he argues, desperately believing himself.

“because you’re not the one who killed them! you didn’t make that choice. those things happened to you too, sam. how much grief and loss have you had to go through because of things you couldn’t control? it was never your fault, sam.”

“and yet, if they weren’t around me, they never would have died. it doesn’t matter what choices i made, it was the simple act of being close to me that’s gotten so many people killed. and i can’t lose you, too. i just can’t and it’s just too possible that it’ll be because of me. i can’t live with that. i can’t let you get hurt.” this is the most raw his voice has been in weeks, months maybe even. you can see just how completely, irrationally terrified he is that he’ll get you killed and you’re starting to think that he’s too far gone for you to reel back to reality, to hope and perseverance and closeness. but you can’t seem to give up, still full of things to say.

“that’s not how this works!” you refute. “this is my life, it’s your life, our life. and whether or not i’m around you or close to you, i’ll still get hurt! it’s not like i’m just going to quit hunting so you don’t have to worry. so sam, you could hurt me on purpose; pull away, refuse me when you have to know damn well how i feel about you. it’s not like i’ve ever really been that subtle, you were just never looking for it until now. or– or you could do your best and if i get hurt, it's an accident, right?” you practically beg for him to agree, for him to see that treating you this way is so much worse than anything else that could happen to you because of him.

he curses under his breath. you’re getting so close to saying the sort of words that will make his resolve snap, one way or another. he says nothing and you’re still waiting for him to understand you. so, you hit him with something even more solid and irrevocable than your logic: your love.

“you can’t seriously think that i’m going to just let things go on like this, can you? is this really your plan? to pretend we don’t care about each other? to throw over a decade of friendship out the window because you think somehow it’ll keep me safe?” you make sure that he’s looking you straight in the eyes as you continue, voice thick with emotion, “sam, there’s nothing, nothing that could keep me from loving you. i’ve loved you since you were seventeen, at least. i was watching you study, realizing that you really were gonna go to college. damn, i was so happy for you and i was ready to do anything to help you get there. then i started thinking about how much i was gonna miss you. wondering if maybe i could get away too. if we could get away together. the next week my dad dragged me away on another hunt and i didn’t see you for a year. we saw each other nearly right before you left and i considered asking if i could run away with you. but i didn’t want you to have to drag any remnants of the life with you, and i was exactly that. i wouldn’t have been able to make it anyway.

“and you know, the saying that absence makes the heart go fonder, it’s not psychologically true. the more time you spend with someone, the more you get to love them. but i really felt like it was sort of true because i missed you so bad that it made me love you all the more. i tried to talk dean out of asking you to come back to look for your dad, but when i saw you again i gave up on that. i didn’t care that you had had jess or that you liked madison or sarah, and sure, ruby hurt a little more than them, but no matter what, i just liked being close to you. when i saw you again, i swore i couldn’t look away. and i was content loving you through looks and longing and letting you be.

“but sam,” your voice cracks as you say his name and you try to swallow your tears, “this is just cruel. there’s not even anyone else, but you feel so much farther than you’ve ever been. you’d really refuse me after you dare to give me hope that you might actually love me back? i spend far too much time looking at you to miss the way you look at me. and i love listening to your voice so much that i could never miss the way your voice has changed when you talk to me as of late. you gave me hope for just a few weeks, and now you’re asking me to– to what?” you shake your head, not even sure what he’s trying to change or fix and how.

“you want me to let you go? and what, that’s it? do you want me to stick around but pretend i don’t love you? or– or do you want me to just stop loving you and you think that’ll somehow fix things? because that sure as hell isn’t possible,” you look at him so carefully, so deeply as you search for an answer in his eyes. “or do you just want me to go?”

you didn’t mean that question, but sam truly considers it. at first you desperately wish that you could take it back. you don’t want to go, you don’t think you can be apart from him like that.

but he goes and does the worst thing that he could and he tells you, “yes. you should go.” he can’t even look you in the eye when he says it and you know that you with certainty that you can’t stay. you can’t do that to yourself, to your pride, to your peace of mind. because with those four words he’s told you that he loves you, but not enough to try.

or too much, perhaps. he loves you too much to try, because it’s him who will really be worse off if something he does gets you killed. sure, you’d be dead, but sam… sam would be alive and stuck with far too much guilt and loneliness and loss and greif to deal with. but if you go, then sam can’t be responsible for you. he can’t curse you with his love that way, so sam may want you closer to him than he’s ever wanted anybody, but he wants even more for you to go.

you want to say something awful back. i hate you crosses your mind, but it’s so far from the truth that you couldn’t even say it out loud. if you did, it would still mean i love you.

you’re horrible, sam, is the next thing that falls into your mouth, but you clamp your jaw shut before those words can fall out. you don’t swallow though, you let the words sit on your tongue and you taste them and consider them. because in a way, they’re true. sam’s being horrible to you. but you’re naive, and, oh right, hopelessly in love with him, which means you want to spare him. it means that you don’t want to convince him further that he can never be good enough for you, because he is. he is when he isn’t being like this, and if he can figure it out, maybe he’ll beg on bended knee for you to come back, say he’ll do anything to make it up to you, tell you he still loves you so much and he can’t be apart from you if you’ll let him come close again.

but you’re so fucking angry at him. you’re almost blinded with love, but not quite because you already know that those hopes of yours are ridiculous moments after you think of them. he’s burned any possibility of you and him to the ground. you know this and you know that he knows it too. you hope it haunts him forever and you don’t care if that’s cruel.

“go ahead, sam,” you laugh humorlessly, bitterly. the sound makes him look up from the guilty hole he’s burning into the table top with his eyes. “add me to your list of ghosts before i’m even dead, and know, without a doubt, that this time it really was you who did. you lit the match, sam. you pulled the trigger.” he looks at you, dumbfounded as if he finally understands what you’ve been trying to say this whole time but knows that he’s gone too far. once a trigger’s been pulled, it can’t be undone and he knows that. that knowledge is a sort of pain that rings in his ears and swirls violently in his stomach.

you grab your coat from the hanger on the wall beside you.

“wait,” he chokes out, tears shining in his eyes. you shoot him a harsh look and he shuts his mouth. he doesn’t get to say that word.

“i’ll call if i figure out how to stop the fucking apocalypse. otherwise, tell dean not to call, ‘cause i’m not coming back.” you grab your bag from the floor by the bed and walk past him to take all the cash from his wallet. you feel his eyes follow you until you reach the door.

hand on the door knob, you turn back to him and you stare him square in the eye to be sure he can see your tears, to show him he made you cry. you won’t tell him he’s horrible, so you’ll settle for a simple, “you’re wrong, sam. you’re wrong about this.”

then you walk out the door, cursing yourself for hating the sound of him crying more than anything in the world.

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schaefferisqueen · 4 years ago

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Holy Musical B@man Song Ranking

I OMG this was so hard there are only like 10 songs how am I supposed to rank this or Starship omgggggg. anyway I love HMB cuz COSTUMES and SONGS and CAST holy shit its so funny and amazing I love (June and Nick Gage went OFF) so..um. controversy as always

9.To Be a Man (Ok... I know a lot of ppl like this but,, I just,,,,, don't? like I love and totally ship superman/batman but I don't rlly like this song. its funny but I don't think its as funny as everyone says it is so I sry, its low. oh well. but Brian and Joe slay as always and Brian slamming the dummy of Joe is great too)

8. Robin Sucks (a lot of ppl hate this song but I think its hilarious, sadly..... but not hilarious or good enough to be higher oh well. I hate that this only has 9 songs cuz they so hard to rankkkkkk ughhhh. I honestly love the tune and shit to this song and Lauren is hilarious especially when she sings w/o pants I dieeeee)

7. Dynamic Duet (I lOVE THIS it was higher but then,,,,, it wasn't,,,, so oh well. but omg nick and Joe are so funnnnnyyyyyy. and the KICKLINE A KICKLINE IS INEVETABLEEEEEEEEEE sry I had to the kick line is amazing and everyone joining in is the best thing in the whole fucking world change my miiiiiinnnddd. also joe and nick killing everyone they come across is also hilarious I cantttt)

6. Dark, Sad, Lonely Night (yesssss joeeeeeee do I need to explaninnnnnnnn???? I never had a pony or pets, just some bull shit butler building bullshit jets OOOOAHHHHHH omg its so gooooodddd. I wanted to make it higher buttttt I like the others more I sorrrrryyyyyyyyyyyyy anyways this song slaps so hard and every joining in is amazing I loveeeee)

5. Holy Musical B@man (YAY GO DYLANNNNNN YESSS KINGGGGG Dylan slays if anyone else but him or nick gage had sung this it would be lower Istg. but Dylan kills it and the opening is hilarious and crazy Jeff killing batmans parents omg so funny its so good aaaahhhhh amazing opening numberrr)

4. Super Friends (omg I love its so funnnyyyy and actually like heartfelt and shit and all of nicks little lines are amazinggg and Nico saying them at homecoming and joey at geeky con 2015 holy shit its so funny joey messing them up is so worth it and amaizngggggg. ugh OMG THE HARMONIES AT THE ENDDD and nick sings the no more dark sad lonely niiiiigggghttttsss ya know the high part Lauren and jaime sing every time ITS SO FUNNY AND AMAZING AND NICK GO OFFFFF)

3. Rogues Are We (ok so if u know me u surprised by this and I don't blame u. I LOVE ROGUES R WE SO MUCH also ROGUES MEDLEY CAME FROM THIS FUCKING SONGGGGG I LOVE IT SO MUCH howeverrr I like the last two more oops sorry ANYWAYS omgggg Dylan and jaime and Denise and nick Strauss KILLL ITTTTT AAAAHHHHH they are so amazinggg and onmgggg I cant and jaime going and a dirty way to win YEASSHHHHH aaaaahhhhh I like just figured out im ace but holy shit am I gay for her I love her and everyone somuchhhhh alsooooo apocalyptour KILLSS SITTTTTT ANHIAUHFJDHF)

2. The American Way (ok this song is hilarious cuz the CONTRAST like Brian being all good and holy and Joe being like MONEYYYY and Jeff is certifiably insane is great this is starkid chaos at its best FIGHT MEEEEE I fucking love so muchhhhh ahaaahhha. also the choreography SLAPS and Jeff with his cane and everyone like waddling and shit on and off stage and the END ING AHAHAHAHkahgkjdhfj)

1. Rogues Are We (Reprise) (OKAY GO OFFFFFF JAIME AND JEFFF and joey in apocalyptour and concerts and shit BUT OMG YESSSSS SO AMAZINGGGG AHAHHA this is my fave fucking song and sometimes I forget that it is LONGER than the actual rogues song and I find that hilarious too ahdkfhdkjfhkajh I loVEEEE akdhfjkdhfkd like YESSSS SWEEETT TOOOOOTHTHTHHTH ugh u absolute kING and poison ivy too I cnattttttt)

ok so,,,,, once again Thank you if u read the whole thing I apologize for chaos HMB is one of my fave starkid shows and I have 0 control over anything when I type these hehehehe. and there we SO MANY key smashes lmao its great I loveee anyways thank youuuuuu! Starship is already ranked I just need to add commentary! it should be out next week!

<3, alimay ok so this is like a month ish after I wrote this and omfg I was crazy,,, but ya I have no control over my brain and hmb (especially since I just finished behind the curve reaction to it akihdfkjahdkj) but ya hope you enjoyed I fucking love hmb so ya

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makeste · 5 years ago

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BnHA Chapter 256: Fucking Superb You Funky Little Hero Eggs

Previously on BnHA: Aizawa and Mic’s frankensteined best friend Shirakumo, better known to us as Kurogiri, had his memories briefly restored through the Power of Friendship, and was all “YO Y’ALLS BETTER GO CHECK OUT THOSE HOSPITALS” before his head started steaming like a tea kettle and he randomly fell asleep. Aizawa and Mic were all “!!” and Aizawa was all “(ಡ ﹏ ಡ)” and Mic was all “Aizawa are you crying” and Aizawa was like “NO!!!” and then they left the prison and Nao called HPSC Lady who called Hawks and was all “eck-chay ethay ospitals-hay” because Hawks, as you recall, is still a secret agent and all that. Anyway so Hawks was all “EUREKA!!” in his head which doesn’t really add up but hey, and then the chapter ended with Dr. Ujiko dancing in sadistic glee as he watched Tomura get all mad scienced. It was pretty freaky. I could use some wholesomeness right about now so let’s see if this chapter will deliver.

Today on BnHA: Class 1-A shows off the fresh skills they learned during their assorted internships, such as “determination”, “enhanced search techniques”, and “becoming a literal blob of acid.” The Wonder Trio is a particular highlight, and All Might is all “my little baby off to destroy people :’)” as he watches Deku shred a robot to pieces using Blackwhip. We then cut to Aizawa and Mic, who may or may not be planning some rogue vigilante style investigations of the whole Noumu thing, or maybe they’re just brooding, but either way they’re interrupted by Mirio and Tamaki who come running in to get them to stop Eri’s quirk from going haywire, which, yikes. The chapter then ends with All Might handing Deku a notebook full of DETAILED, CATALOGED INFO ABOUT THE PAST SUCCESSORS AND THE FUCKING SIXQUIRKS. We just have to wait two more weeks to find out what that’s all about. 2020’s got some fucking zip to it so far huh.

so it’s about a quarter past 7 right now and it’ll be a miracle if I can have this recap up by 10pm tonight. surprisingly the wait for this chapter didn’t really bother me, but this Sunday/Monday release schedule is really doing a number on my punctuality. but anyways we’ll figure it out eventually. if memory serves, there’s about a 90% chance that this week’s jump will also be a double issue, so that gives me another extra week to get my shit together lol

(ETA: so that wasn’t too far off actually! I think a three-hour turnaround time isn’t bad for 3000 words lol. and actually it was more like two hours of reading/blogging and one hour of editing/photo cropping. anyway so in all likelihood either Sunday or Monday night releases will become the norm, depending entirely on how busy that particular Sunday is. not quite the same as getting the chapter on Friday and having the whole weekend to ruminate over it but we will adjust!)

anyway, so I’m somehow remarkably unspoiled for this chapter despite it having been out for nearly a week and a half at this point. so that’s something! let’s see what we’ve got here

yaaaay my babies

All Might was offering free cotton candy, yes? I didn’t expect we’d cut right back to this lol, but you sure won’t see me complaining. I want to see what everyone else learned during their internships, and also what with the break and the last couple chapters being Tartarus-focused, it’s been about a month since I last saw my little hero eggs, and of course I missed them I’m only human

omg

did the original dialogue really reference Skynet. Horikoshi truly gives no fucks about copyright. like one or two episodes ago the anime made some copyrighted reference which you could clearly hear in the Japanese but which the English subs hilariously glossed right over. I’m trying to remember what it was now. damn. anyways we millennials can never resist a good pop culture reference, facts

OH MY GOD AOYAMA

THEY’RE EATING THE COTTON CANDY

TOKOYAMI EATING COTTON CANDY IS THE GREATEST THING TO HAPPEN IN 2020 THUS FAR. LET ME TELL YOU, WE REALLY NEEDED THIS

SHOUTO EATING COTTON CANDY IS THE SECOND BEST THING TO HAPPEN IN 2020. IT WAS VERY CLOSE

I STALLED FOR TIME SO MUCH AND I STILL DON’T KNOW WTF TO SAY ABOUT AOYAMA’S NEW ATTACK OH MY GOD. JUST. I DON’T KNOW YOU GUYS. THIS BOY IS REALLY OUT HERE SLICING ROBOTS IN HALF WITH HIS BRAND NEW LASER PENIS. THE AMOUNT OF FUCKS THAT HORIKOSHI GIVES IS IN THE NEGATIVES I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY

OH ARE YOU STILL GOING

is... what’s... ldkfj okay nothing to see here guys just the naked invisible chick getting all friendly with Aoyama’s beam boner. just manhandling his sparkle shaft. there are children reading this manga. I mean, they’re already mentally scarred from all the dead dogs and child quirk wine and whatnot, but still at what point do we put our goddamn foot down

anyway so somehow she’s redirecting his laser beam?? I guess with her light refracting quirk skills?? great job Hagakure with your help Aoyama can finally shoot lasers at stuff that’s behind him. you’ve mastered the power of making it so that he doesn’t have to turn around great job truly an internship well spent

“now I can yank light and warp it!” you go girl now you can whip that thing around like it’s a fucking fire hose I guess

YOOOOO MINA!!

THIS GIRL LITERALLY COATED HERSELF IN ACID AND DID A FUCKING BARREL ROLL AHHHHHHHHH. NOW THAT’S MORE LIKE IT, NO OFFENSE TO CAPTAIN DISCO DONG AND COMMODORE “I CAN DO EVERYTHING A MIRROR CAN DO” BUT THERE ARE UPGRADES AND THERE ARE UPGRADES, AND LET’S FACE IT, THIS IS THE REAL DEAL HERE

AHAHAHA I LOVE ITTTTT

is it too late for Mina to actually change her name to Acidman. what is she calling herself now again?? Pinky?? come on Mina strike some fear into the hearts of your enemies

and now All Might and the others are applauding. I don’t see Shouto’s cotton candy anymore. boy fucking inhaled that shit

oh wow, they interned under Yoroi Musha? if memory serves me, and I’m honestly not going to bother to check right now, isn’t that the samurai dude who somehow beat Ryuukyuu in the billboard charts? not that I’m still salty about that, oh wait I absolutely am but anyways

OH MY

IS THAT SOME KIRIMINA CONTENT UP IN MY PANELS. hot damn that is some cute fucking shit. Mina better not get any undue hate for this. everyone please remain calm this cute interaction does not threaten your ship in any way (unless you want it to in which case have at!!) and we can all have fun if we just play nice you guys

lmao All Might

“WE’RE ALREADY ON PAGE FOUR AND THERE ARE TWENTY OF YOU, WE DON’T HAVE ALL FUCKING DAY CHILDREN”

so Satou and Ojiro learned how to punch harder and stuff. again, it’s fine, we can’t all be Acid Men. but meanwhile they interned with some lion guy named Shishido whom I INSTANTLY LOVE so that’s badass. only one character away from Shishida though, but that’s Horikoshi for you

OH MY GOD

BLAH BLAH YES ENHANCED SEARCH TECHNIQUES ZZZZZ BUT FUCKING LOOK THOUGH AT THE FLASHBACK OF HIM YEETING THEM, YESSSSSS. THE OLD WAYS HAVE NOT YET BEEN FORGOTTEN, GANG ORCA YOU ARE THE HERO WE DESERVE

meanwhile Sero, Kami, and Mineta learned how to literally kill people with their quirks flkdjsflk

(ETA: btw I really love that Mt. Lady’s internship emphasized teamwork. now there’s someone who’s come a really long way her own self. anyway I stan and she had better join the other two in the the top 10 real soon. come on BnHA society get with it.)

damn Mt. Lady what the fuck. “if you guys work together you can suffocate and electrocute villains to death with ease!” the government’s plan really is working huh; these children have become bloodthirsty, ruthless killers in a shockingly short period of time

anyways so Iida as we all recall learned how to be more footloose and fancy free, and meanwhile Kouda learned “smooth communication” from Wash, the literal washing machine man whom I also don’t still harbor a grudge against for inexplicably beating my dragon queen in the hero polls, and once again that is a lie because fuck you Wash! you’re adorable but fuck you!!

man this is taking forever why are there so many kids in this class. for anyone wondering why Horikoshi doesn’t focus on class 1-A as a whole more often and leaves them as supporting characters, this right here is why. I love these children to death but we would still be stuck in the basement arc. oh my god I just shuddered

Tokoyami mastered “improvement on all fronts” because I guess he kind of peaked at flying when it came to new moves huh. that’s fine for now

and Kiri mastered “making baddies lose the will to fight real quick” which sounds like some bullshit you’d write while desperately trying to pad your hero resume, except that it’s accompanied by this convincing panel of him chomping a steel bar in two or some shit which YIKES

can confirm, if some demonic rock man came trotting up to me and snapped off some railing from some stairs and fucking snapped it like a twig with his GIANT FOSSILIZED DINOSAUR TEETH, I’d lose my will to fight pretty quickly too

and Ochako and Tsuyu learned “determination” smdh. Horikoshi did you fucking fall asleep towards the end of this segment or what

WHO IS MAJESTIC OMG

excuse me did she just create a bunch of fucking dynamites. is that what those are. is my girl encroaching on my young son’s turf. because if she is, ENCROACH, MOMO, ENCROACH! FEEL FREE TO FUCKING IMPINGE, EVEN!! god, and I know I was bitching just a moment ago about these “lessons” becoming increasingly vague and intangible and motivational poster-y, but I read Momo and “predicting and acting efficiently”, and my thoughts immediately ran to Nighteye and Mirio’s fighting styles, and I was like “YESSSSSSSSS” because, I mean. YES, though

meanwhile Kacchan has learned...

this fucking -- I swear -- YOU LEARNED WHAT YOUR FUCKING HERO NAME IS GOING TO BE YOU TROLLING PIECE OF SHIT. oh my god. Katsuki I swear to god I will take your internet privileges. NO SRIRACHA FOR A WEEK UNLESS YOU TELL ME WHAT IT IS

oh for fuck’s sakes

don’t mind him he learned boom with five b’s and three oo’s what did you all do this week. and somehow Todoroki learned how to be even more fabulous

so All Might’s looking on in pride and giving Endeavor some mental props, and waiting for Deku to go do his thing too

sdfkj he’s thinking about the day he gave Deku THE HAIR and that “[it] feels like ancient history now.” DOESN’T IT THOUGH?

OH MY FEELS

“you don’t look back at me anymore... and you don’t need to.” oh Aizawa’s dry eye has spread to me now huh. must be those January allergies. and that’s some nice bloop there kid. great jorb

someone tell All Might he’s not allowed to look on at Deku with this much fatherly love without giving me at least a week’s notice in advance

sigh. now you’ve done it you two I’m going to become a big cat blob of feels right here and it’s all on you. you did this

oh my god a whole big panel of reactions from the other kids and I’m ( ˊᵕˋ )

lol Kacchan can’t agree with anything even if it’s a compliment. and lmao, who the fuck was that who was all “TODOROKI FINALLY YOU’RE A FAST FUCKING HIMBO HUH!” like they really went and put that “finally” in there, like they were so fucking tired of Todoroki Shouto and his LANGUID FUCKING PACE all the fucking time, GOD, FINALLY SOME SPEED BOY WE WERE DYING OUT HERE

Mineta being happy for Deku also warms my heart, ngl. we’ve gone almost an entire chapter with Mineta not doing anything even remotely perverted, can it be, has Horikoshi finally chilled the fuck out. or did I just jinx it we shall see

also love how Deku is just reduced to an inkblot here and it still is him beyond any shadow of a doubt. and poor Sero, you are also being impinged on huh

lmao Mineta’s just socking Deku in the solar plexus out of comradery and Deku’s fucking vomiting on reflex and not even paying the slightest attention wtf

I love this panel there I said it

so he’s going over and thanking Ochako for “that time” and says he’s using Blackwhip a lot better now. I assume he’s referring to when he first unlocked it and went hog wild and she was all “smh” and went and hugged him to put an end to that nonsense

oh, right!!!!

I forgot about those!! looool Horikoshi’s 2020 resolution is to make everyone Spider-Man now huh. hey everyone guess what I LOVE THIS

oh my god this wholesomeness

I fucking can’t?? yo I’m seriously living for this? I don’t get why some people think Deku inhibits Ochako’s character growth tbh. or that her story is becoming all about him. if it is, then it’s in the same way that Bakugou’s is. Deku keeps inspiring her to be better, ain’t nothing wrong with that. yes she has the crush, and she’s honest with herself and in tune with her emotions enough to be aware of it and to acknowledge it, but she refuses to be distracted by it. I actually really like that, because it shows that romantic feelings can actually exist and not be the central focus of a character’s story or their development. and I think the fear is that it somehow will become the focus, but so far I haven’t seen that happening, so it seems unwarranted to me

anyway

shit’s cute

oh no Mineta’s doing something weird I fucking did jinx it I’m sorry guys. it’s a fucking fistbump dude relax

so All Might seems to be dismissing them now, and he’s saying something about how he reordered (?? rescheduled, maybe??) class so that Aizawa can watch later. that’s nice. he’ll need something to cheer him up, and if Acidman can’t do the trick I don’t know what can

and now we’re cutting back to the dorms!! dorm shenanigans yessssss

oh no shit wait

these are not playful dorm shenanigans these are depressed Miczawa shenanigans to bring me down. nnnn

but Aizawa fucking knows something is up now, shit. that’s right son your babies are in danger

KLJKLGLKSH

okay (1) HOW HOT IS AIZAWA THOUGH HOW DOES HE ALWAYS DO THIS

and (2) is “have a karaoke contest” code for “fuck shit up” or what. son of a bitch, having these two so personally invested in the Noumu arc now is such an unexpected and wonderful gift

MIRIO NO

(ETA: but you all know Aizawa was about to say “I’d go and fuck shit up” though.)

I LOVE YOU BOTH BUT THEY WERE HAVING A SEXY ANGSTING MOMENT, MIRIO CAN YOU NOT READ THE ROOM!! DO YOU NOT SEE THEM BEING ALL ANGSTY AND DARKLY CONTEMPLATIVE!! YOU TWO OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW WHEN LOVERS ARE BONDING OVER THEIR ANGST WHICH ONLY THE TWO OF THEM UNDERSTAND! FUCKING GODDAMN

NO!!!!!

[SLAMS HANDS ON TABLE] HORIKOSHI I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU LAY ONE FINGER ON HER PRECIOUS HEAD

NOOOO MY SWEET BABY GIRL

oh my fuck that sweater is the cutest fucking thing and this girl has had no shortage of cute outfits let me tell you. BUT ANYWAY SHE’S SCARED AND CRYING NOOOO. holy shit her horn is fucking huge now I don’t feel comfortable with this at all, and Nejire is Best Mom for not giving a single fuck and holding and comforting her regardless of the risk, I love her so much

OH THANK GOD

PALPABLE RELIEF. boys I’m sorry it was wrong of me to yell, you did the right thing interrupting their sexy brooding

BREAK ROOM AHHHHH THE SCOOBY SQUAD LIVES AGAINNNN

it means you constantly amaze him!! you have so much potential he doesn’t even know what the limit might possibly be! don’t act like you don’t love it. or stop being so suspicious and trying to look for the hidden meaning and just accept the praise for what it is. you did good. now ask him if he’s heard any news about Best Jeanist :/

that’s right, he was researching and making faces a while back, are we finally gonna find out what all that was about??

DSLFKAJSLDKFH

HE MADE A NOTEBOOK FOR HIM AHHHHHHHH HE KNOWS WHAT HE LIKES THIS IS AMAZING

DOES HIM GIVING HIM THE INFO IN NOTEBOOK FORM MEAN IT’S UP TO DEKU WHETHER OR NOT HE WANTS TO SHARE THIS INFO WITH KACCHAN. HMMM. OBVIOUSLY HE WILL, BUT THAT’S A REAL POWER MOVE THOUGH, DAMN

“PAST SUCCESSORS / QUIRKS” EVERYONE, THIS BOOK CONTAINS THE SECRETS OF THE SIXQUIRKS. AND THE PREVIOUS OFA AVATARS. THAT’S FINE I’M JUST GONNA. ...I’LL BE FINE. FOR TWO WEEKS. FUCK

shit. well I know it was coming, that’s another reason why I didn’t feel particularly rushed to read this chapter lol. I kinda wish I’d had the foresight to save the Korean scanlation though, just to compare. ah well it’s probably still lying around somewhere

and lol and here’s the bonus page, and this one I did see floating around tumblr haha

I’m not sure how the three smartest kids in class are all present and yet not one of them had the foresight to consider that maybe, just maybe, this could be a bad idea. let’s let the kid with the combustible sweat handle the mochi I’m sure it’ll be -- [everyone immediately dies]. anyway so that’s some good friendly advice from Horikoshi there. happy new year friends!

#bnha 256 #midoriya izuku #ashido mina #uraraka ochako #aizawa shouta #present mic #all might #aoyama yuuga #eri (bnha)#bakugou katsuki #class 1-a #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #oh my god I am so tired #I will maybe edit some additional tags later lol #for now I'm gonna go eat dinner

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merlinaes · 8 years ago

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I was tagged by @meowmerson and I was away from home so ???? that’s why it took me this long to finally do it BUT I LOVE THESE THINGS

How tall are you? 5′5″

What color and style is your hair? It’s shoulder-length and it goes from light brown to very very blonde which is a result of one of my experiments with my poor hair and it didn’t turn out that bad so?? I’m keeping it?

What color are your eyes? Green???? I mean they are a yellow-ish blue-ish green but they mostly green so green it is. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXHAUSTING IT IS TO HAVE PEOPLE GUSH OVER HOW WEIRD AND EXTRAORDINARY YOUR EYES ARE??? yes i know i see them in the mirror all the time get a MOVE ON

Do you wear glasses or contacts? none (yetttttttttt) i really should go to the eye doctor (??? help? what is that the correct word?)

Do you have braces? I DIDDDD OMG. Tho i got them removed not that long ago, i mean, i was 18

What is your fashion style? leather jackets, beanies, white t shirts, skirts and mini skirts, boots, heels, sneakers, skinny jeans, knitted sweaters, simple and basic colour combinations which always win so who am i kidding i love classy fashion and i normally buy versatile clothes, not only the-hot-thing

When were you born? *stands over a stool* *clears throat* JANUARY 10TH 1996 (yes i turn 21 TOMORROW)

Do you have any siblings? I have two sisters and yes i would kill them but also i would kill for them so

What kind of student are you? jfc i’m a good student ok but also i’m a professional Procastinator so ¿? i eventually get good marks and even great ones but obviously i’m an adrenaline and stress addict and i physically can’t and won’t do anything with enough time to spare

What are your favorite subjects? ohhhhh i used to love maths and physics and chemistry and BIOLOGY! also english and literature but you know, those are a given at this point

What are your favorite shows? OMG!! ok so we have Sherlock, Friends, Outlander, Reign, Once Upon a Time and a lot more which I can’t really remember bc I’m at work so maybe I’ll add them later yeah?

What are your favorite movies? i really hate this questions bc i KNOW i love a lot of movies but right know i can’t think of any but i’ll do my best? ok so there is My Best Friend’s Wedding, Four Weddings and a Funeral, Love Actually, Brave, If I Stay, Unglorious Bastards, LOVE ROSIE!!!, idk man there a lot

What’s your favorite pastime? reading (yea i know), listening to music, renacting musicals (yES), creating plot bunnies that will never see the light and yes, writing in my journal and making it beautiful (tho i suck at anything artistic so yea)

Do you have any regrets? ummm? moving away from my friends maybe? but that wasn’t really my decision so not really i mean i am an awkward person and stuff but? if the stuff that has happened to me up to this day hadn’t happened then I wouldn’t be me, right? idk

What is your dream job? idkkkkkkkk i REALLY don’t have a clue pls don’t ask me

Would you like to have kids and how many? i think so??? i mean I’m only turning 21 tomorrow so?? not really thinking about kids but if i DID have, i would like 2/3 (tho not really sure if biological or adopted??????? i mean i have a lot of time to figure that out, right??)

Do you like shopping? YESSSSSSS I LOVE ITTTTT I LOVE SHOPPING IDK TOWELS CLOTHES MAKE UP BED SHEETS TOOTH BRUSHES??? GIVE ME EVERYTHINGGGGG

How many countries have you visited so far? ……………… NONE YET

What’s the scariest dream you’ve ever had? once i dreamed that a crocodile was chasing me???? that’s the scariest i REMEMBER, don’t know if it’s the cariest i’ve HAD

Do you have any enemies? nope, but wouldn’t that be cool?

Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? sadly, i’m a lone wolf and the last boy i kissed was my best friend about….. uh…. 5 months ago???? BUT I’M OKAY I SWEAR I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO CUDDLE AND I CAN DO THAT WITH MY DOG SO??? WHO'S THE REAL WINNER HERE HUH???

omg ok i’m going to tagggggggg @olivieblake (idk if you did it??) and @fishyfishi - obviously you don’t have to do it i just? idk man, i’ll shut up now

#i'm a mess #look at this #ask meme #is it a meme????#i don't think so #any further questions can be asked away #and yes tomorrow is my bday #and it's the first time i'm not at all excited #which is #sad??????#idk #merlinaes answers #random stuff

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thenerdytomboynewb96 · 7 years ago

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Samantha Allan Park Ch. #33

Any references to TMNT or anything from popular media and culture is NOT MINE. I only own my OC's. Any references to “TMNT Out of the Shadows” DO NOT BELONG TO ME. Only my additions that I came up with myself belong to me. Anything from the films or other series ARE NOT MINE, only my OC’s and my ideas that I have added onto the story FOR FUN. Thank you.

Chapter #33

*Late night June 6th into the early morning of June 7th, Saturday into Sunday*

It was about 10:20p.m. when Leo and Donnie had finished talking and both had returned to the rooms they had originally left. Sam traveled back through the hallway in the sewers and returned through the entry way right by the living room. She walked over to the couch the exact same time Mikey did. They both turned and sighed as they plopped down and slumped into the cushions. Mikey dully turned his head so that he could look at Sam. “What happened to you?”

Sam moved in the same way. “I heard the same conversation that you did” she mumbled. Mikey was a bit confused. He knew why he was upset about what Leo had said in regards to not needing the purple ooze to become human and the fact that he had done so without asking him, but how did that affect Sam? “Why does that make you upset?” Sam furrowed her brow and turned her head so she was staring straight at Mikey. “What?” “You heard what Leo said about the ooze, right?” Sam nodded her head. “Yeah, that you guys can’t try to become human for a little while.” Mikey’s eyes went wide. “A little while? I want to mutate and be human forever man” Mikey said firmly. Sam displayed a confused expression. “Why? What’s fun in that? I never would have met you guys if you were normal human beings-” “Yeah but you don’t know that” Mikey said a bit forcefully. He wasn’t rude in the way he spoke, but his tone became a lot more serious. “If we were human then maybe we could have met you years ago. Maybe we could have even met your family and became friends with them.” Sam was stunned. “I never knew you felt that way. I know you wanted to go on the surface and all, but I never knew you wanted to change your entire life like that, or that you had thought that much into it.” Mikey leaned back into the couch and tilted his head so that he was looking up at the ceiling as he spoke. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to live life up top. I don’t regret how my life has been though. I’ve had a great life for 16 years, but…I just want to add to it, you know? There’s so much still out there and I’ll never get to experience any of it” he said glumly. Sam looked away and stared forward towards the t.v. as she also slumped back into the couch. She had to look away somewhere, she couldn’t stand to see her best friend so hurt. “I wish there was something I could do to help you out…” she muttered. Mikey picked up on this instantly and now felt the exact same way. He couldn’t stand to hear the sorrow in his friend’s voice, and ever since he saw her cry a year ago during her sibling’s anniversary, he had vowed he would do his best to keep her happy and safe. Thinking of this, he realized that his words were depressing her and he decided to try and switch the conversation around. “Sam, you already do a lot for us, and for me.” Sam continued to look forward as she sat silently. A smile formed on the turtles face. “Sam, who helped me build the rec rooms with stuff that I had never used before like go karts and trampolines and rock climbing walls?” “….me.” “And who helped sneak me in to awesome places like the movies, the mall, and laser tag?” “…I did” Sam replied in a more firm tone. “And who is the only one who supports me at times like when I wanted to go up to the surface during the Halloween parade?” “I am” Sam said with a confident nod as she finally turned to face her friend. “Exactly! You already do a lot to make like more exciting.” Sam smiled at her friend, appreciating his kind words. Mikey then realized that Sam had never answered his original question. “Hey, you still never told me why you were so upset when you heard Leo say that we couldn’t try to become human” he said, squinting his eyes at her in curiosity. Sam quickly looked away as a light but still noticeable blush came across her cheeks, which shocked the heck out of her. “What the hell? I don’t want him to know all that I want to experience with him and his brothers, too mushy, but why I am getting so embarrassed about this?” “Sammmm?” Mikey questioned, leaning forward to peak around at her since she had turned her head the other way. That’s when he noticed the light red in her cheeks. “Hey are you okay? Your face looks kind of red” he said with a slight hint of concern in his voice. Sam thought of a white lie to use to hide her true thoughts. She whipped back around and spoke in a ‘matter of fact’ tone. “I just got concerned when I saw you react the way you did.” This wasn’t a lie. In fact, she was extremely upset when she saw the sorrow filled expression on Mikey’s face after he heard Leo speak, but this was not the true reason as to why she was blushing. But Mikey would never know this truth. “Huh, now I’m keeping secrets. What is happening to me?” she thought to herself. Her thoughts were interrupted when she saw Mikey displaying a beaming smile. “Dawwwww were you worried about me?” he teased. “Psh, me? Never” Sam said as she crossed her arms and looked away. “You care about me” Mikey said, poking his friend in the shoulder. Sam opened one eye and peeked back over her shoulder at him. “Do I know you?” “Your hair does” Mikey said with a devilish grin, and before Sam could process what this meant, he was already ruffling her hair, again. “No! I’ll have to brush it again!” Sam said, literally twisting to swat his arm away and then rolling backwards off the couch and onto her feet. “Say you know me” Mikey said, slowly standing up from his spot on the couch. “Never” Sam said, a devilish grin of her own forming on her face. “Say ittttt.” Mikey looked like he was about to pounce. “I. DON’T. KNOW. YOU” Sam said as she then went to dash out of the lair and into the sewers. Sam was quick, but Mikey had been quicker this time and extended his nunchuks so that the one side became a chain sickle (though he withdrew the blade to keep his friend safe) and launched it towards her in time for it to swing around her and pull her back. As Sam was forced into Mikey’s arms, he wrapped his arms around her and held her so that she faced away from him. He knew that she had the mutagen based strength to break free with ease, but she would never do this because it could harm her friend. This meant that with just her strength alone, she was trapped, and he was free to mess her hair up as long as he pleased. “Alright tomboy. You hate make-up, but you love keeping your hair as straight as you can get it. Talk now, or the strands will fly” he said in a menacing voice, but in a playful way of course. Sam laughed her ass off the entire time as she tried to wriggle out of his grip, but again, her normal muscle was nothing compared to Michelangelo’s. After a couple minutes of trying and having a hand mess up her hair, she finally admitted defeat. “Alright! I know you!” she laughed. “Who am I?” “Mikey.” “What am I?” “Picky.” “Wrong.” “Greedy.” “Sammmmmm.” “I was supposed to admit I knew you, not label you!” “Last chance!” “You’re my best friend and you’re like my brother.” Mikey let go of the girl, who quickly started running her hand through her messy hair. “Gosh Sam. We’re cool and all, but I think you’re getting way too attached to me. I mean I barely even know you, but I’m like you’re brother? Like this is too much” Mikey said, his hands up as he backed away like a celebrity trying to walk away from the press. Sam glared at him with a smile. “You better get back over here and fix this” she demanded. Mikey didn’t even have to ask for her brush as he reached for her bag on the side of the couch and within seconds pulled out the brush she used every day. Mikey sat on one end of the couch while Sam sat criss-cross in front of him.

About five minutes into Mikey brushing the girl’s hair (something he had become good at over the past year, that and helping her paint her nails) Sam heard her phone go off. “I got it” Mikey said as he paused the brushing and reached into the bag and handed Sam her phone. This way she wouldn’t have to move while he continued to ‘work his magic’, Mikey’s words of course. Sam looked at the caller I.D. and then answered the phone. “April. What’s up?” “Hey, is everything okay back at the lair?” “What exactly do you mean by that?” Sam questioned. “I called Donnie a few minutes ago to send him updates and he still hasn’t answered his shell cell. What does that mean?” Sam pursed her lips together as she answered. “Uhh, let’s just say there was a verbal…incident that happened. Nothing major, but I think it might have put Donnie in a bit of a funk.” “Is everything okay?” “Yeah, all will be fine. I think he just needed some space for a little while. I’ll update you when I see you in person again. But I can relay the updates to him now if that’s okay.” “Thanks Sam. So Casey contacted Jade and found out that the full canister of the ooze is being held at police headquarters. So at least we know that it’s safe for now. He also learned through a few other sources that a team of Foot soldiers was getting their gear together and was about to move soon.” “*sigh* well that’s just awesome.” “Heh, I feel the same way. We’re heading back now so that we can all discuss things further. And Sam-” “Don’t worry I’m heading in to check up on him now. Talk to you soon April.” “Thanks Sam. See you soon.”

Sam hung up the phone and stood up from the couch. “I’m going to go talk to Donnie for a little bit.” Mikey signaled the ‘o.k.’ symbol and reached for the remote after putting the brush back into the bag. “He’s in his room” he called over to Sam who had started walking towards the lab. She froze and listened carefully as she realized that there were no sounds coming from inside the lab and then turned towards the right side of the lair where Donnie’s room would be. “Bingo!” Mikey called out. Sam turned to thank him and then walked across the lair towards Donnie’s room. “Wow, I guess Donnie’s not the only one in a funk. I never realized he had left the lab. What’s scarier is that Mikey sensed something that I didn’t! Either I’m losing my focus due to emotions again or Mikey is getting better at picking up on small details.” As Sam was walking past the kitchen, Leo also happened to exit his room at the same time. The two were about to cross paths, so Sam shot him a quick small smile and then continued on, hoping he wouldn’t say anything in concern of her quick and somewhat suspicious expression. Leo did slow his steps for a couple seconds, but he continued to look forward and decided that that girl was fine, so he continued to walk over towards the raised pipe in the central part of the lair so that he could train. Sam was just grateful that he hadn’t stopped her. She would always love and support Leo like he was her own brother and also since he was the leader of all the turtles, but she really didn’t want to talk to him right now, and if she was being brutally honest, she didn’t even really want to look at him right now. She still needed to let her own emotions and mindset simmer down some or else she would accidentally talk sassy to him even if she didn’t mean to do so and would end up making things worse.

Once Sam reached her destination she knocked on the door to Donnie’s room and heard a mumbled “it’s open.” She slowly opened the door and poked her head inside to see Donnie fidgeting with a small device that could be used as a scanner at his gaming space, which was basically a large and cushioned cut out section of the wall that formed a huge circle for him to lay in. “Hey, you okay?” she asked as she walked in and took a seat in the swivel chair at the desk in his room. He continued to look at the scanner he was messing with as he spoke. “I’ll be fine.” Sam pursed her lips together. “I guess you’re still hurting from Leo’s words to huh” she said as she stood up and adjusted her position so that she was sitting on the now turned around chair so that she could lay her arms across the top. This caught Donnie’s attention as he quickly looked up at her and frowned. “You were spying on us?” Sam paused. “No…I was spying on Mikey…who was spying on you two.” Donnie groaned. “What is wrong with you two? Don’t you know anything about privacy?” “Of course I do. That’s why I knocked on your door before entering.” Donnie sighed. “So what exactly did you hear?” “You adjusted the purple ooze so that it could turn you human, permanently apparently, and you got super excited and Leo shot it down within seconds.” A confused expression covered the turtles face. “Why do you sound upset with us permanently becoming human? It would be such an incredible discovery in biology and other sciences!” Sam’s face blushed a tad bit again. “It just wouldn’t be the same.” “That’s the point though! So much would change!” Donnie said, slightly raising his voice as he now sat up on his curved seat. “But…I met you guys because you look and live like this…” Donnie stared at Sam eye to eye. “I understand that, but with your intelligence, I’m sure we still would have met somehow. If I went to school then we’d probably end up in a lot of the same after school groups. And then as an adult, if I had the chance to be human and work with real scientists, who knows what we could come up with together. I mean yeah I can accomplish a lot on my own, but with a team, who knows what we could do! And that’s just me! Who knows what all of us could accomplish if we lived normal lives like everyone else. My inventions and my discoveries with my team of different scientists in different fields could create so many things that could change life as we know it. Wouldn’t you want that for me? For all of us?” Sam was a bit taken aback by how much thought Donatello had put into such a situation that until an hour or so ago would never have seemed possible. Her face told Donnie that she was sad, but also that she understood what he wanted and why. “Of course I want that for you, and I know you would do incredible things for this world. I also want you to be human at times so that I can show you more of what the world has to offer. But…I don’t want you guys to change forever. More so temporarily. Plus if you were human then I wouldn’t be able to hang out with you in some of the ways that I do.” “Sam, you do realize that YOU are a human and even before the mutagen you were fighting bad guys and sneaking into buildings and running across rooftops, right?” Donnie said, smiling for the first time in over an hour. Sam paused, soaking in her friend’s words. “Well I guess that one is true. I don’t know, I just wouldn’t want it to be a permanent thing. I can’t find the words to explain why I feel that way, but I know I just do. Sorry if that’s rude or anything” she said, looking down towards the ground. Donnie chuckled. “Sam, there’s nothing wrong with you not wanting us to change because you don’t want to lose us.” The girl quickly turned her head back to look at the turtle in front of her. “Wait, what?” “You’re afraid that if we become human we’re going to end up talking to a bunch of other people and you think we won’t have time for you, right?” Sam’s eyes went wide. “I wasn’t thinking that, but now I am.” “That would never happen smarts. We’re not going anywhere, but I do understand why you would only want us to be human on temporary occasions. *sigh* but even if I could do that, Leo would still shoot it down in mere seconds again.”

Sam saw the turtle lean back into his curved seat with a glum expression again, but now she was too caught up in her own thoughts to sense anything else. Had she been afraid they wouldn’t talk to her? Was that thought hiding in the back of her mind the entire time and she hadn’t even realized it? She knew she didn’t want them to be humans forever if they had the chance to become human at all, but she wasn’t able to explain why she had felt this way. Was this really the reason why? She knew that the other night when Mikey went to join the Halloween parade that she had come to terms knowing that if he wanted to talk to other people that she would be okay if he left her alone since he was a naturally social person, but was she really okay with that? Did she really fear that all of the turtles would leave her in the dust if they had the chance to meet new people? Would she be okay if they all acted this way? If these thoughts were hiding in the back of her mind, then what else was lurking in her subconscious that she didn’t even realize was there?! “Sam?” Sam looked up to see Donnie staring at her as he continued to lean back in his curved seat. “What’s up?” “…you okay?” Sam stared blankly at him. “Yeah I’m fine, why?” “I just asked you a question twice and you just sat there.” “…Oh…well third times a charm.” Donnie shook his head with a smile. “I asked if checking in was the only reason you came in here.” “Oh no! That was reason number one. Reason number two is that April sent me some updates.” His brow rose. “Oh, what did she say?” “She said that the ooze is being held at police headquarters and that Casey talked to some personal contacts who said that the Foot soldiers are getting ready to make their move.” Donnie nodded his head. “That’s good that the mutagen is being held there, but I have a bad feeling about the Foot soldiers. Shredder is up to something, and-” Just then, Mikey had slowly opened the door, and after no one told him to get out, he quickly rushed into the room and shut the door behind him. Donnie and Sam sent him questioning looks, ones that were not exactly happy either. “What did you do this time?” Sam asked. Mikey began poking his fingers together. “I…MAYYYYY have told Raph what I heard Leo and Donnie talking about earlier, hehe” he said timidly. Donnie’s eyes went wide. “Are you serious? WHY?! He’s going to lose his shit-” “HEY LEO! POP QUIZ!” “*Sigh* again, why?” Donnie groaned. Mikey looked down at the ground in guilt. “I just needed someone to talk to about it you know? I mean, this is serious stuff and Leo totally just kicked us to the curb like we’re not important and like our word means nothing…” Sam swung her arm so that her hand was motioning back and forth towards her and Mikey. “Hello! Hi! That’s what I’m for! We literally talked about it not that long ago! I’m the one you go to so that you don’t have to tell Raph about serious shit that will make him explode!” Donnie squinted his eyes at the pair. “What do you guys talk about so that Raph doesn’t have to know about it?” “Not the point! You!” Sam said, looking back and pointing at Mikey, “why would you talk to him after we both just talked about this? You know that without telling him important info in a very calm and specific way will set him off.” “Because I wasn’t done talking about it yet and then you went to go talk to Donnie.” “Well that doesn’t make me feel bad” Donnie said in a low voice. Mikey rolled his eyes and waved his brother away. “Dude that’s not what I meant and you know it! Of course I wanted her to check up on you, but like, the thoughts were still fresh in my mind, you know? Like I wasn’t DONE talking about it, and everyone knows that you and Leo are good at giving advice and boosting people’s confidence, but it’s me and Raph who help cheer people up because we’re the emotional ones, even though Raph will never admit that himself.” Sam and Donnie looked at each other and nodded. They knew that was a fair argument. As rough and tough as Raph was, he could be just as sensitive as Mikey. Oddly it was one of the biggest traits the two had in common. “I guess I can accept that reasoning” Sam said with a smile as she put her hands behind her head. “I still want to know what you two have been hiding that you share only amongst yourselves” Donnie said with a questioning grin. Just then, his scanner went off. Donnie quickly typed in some codes on the device and tracked that the break in happened at the Museum of Natural History. “Shredder, and he probably has his soldiers and the new mutants…we have to tell them” Donnie said as he began to rush towards the door. Sam and Mikey followed him, and all three heard the continuing argument between the oldest two as they slowly (because they wanted to see the argument go down) made their way across the kitchen.

For now, Raph’s voice was low as he spoke while standing alongside Leo, who attempted to keep himself calm by facing away from his brother and continuing his training session. “If there’s even a chance that ooze could make us human-” “We’re turtles, whether you like it or not” Leo said in a bitter tone. Raph’s lower voice then got higher. “It’s not about what I like. It’s about what people are willing to accept.” “True acceptance comes from within.” Raph rolled his eyes, and as he now also spoke with large hand gestures, his voice continued to rise. “Don’t give me that fortune cookie muck! You should consult with us before you decide to do something like that!” It could be seen that Leo was losing his temper as much as Raph was, especially since the two didn’t realize that they had an audience of three watching them as they stood still on the other side of the room. Leo stopped his workout and stood up straight as he faced his brother. “I consulted Donnie, and we decided that there’s nothing-” “And what about Mikey? We don’t get a vote?!” Raph shoved Leo after making his comment, and this is what officially pushed him over the edge. “THERE’S ONLY ONE VOTE THAT COUNTS IN THIS FAMILY! Mine.”

Leo continued to glare at his brother in a way that signaled that this battle was over and that his word was final. Raph just stood there in stunned silence as he glared back at his older brother. Donnie and Mikey stood there in shock since they couldn’t believe that Leo could say such a thing. They knew he was the leader and their oldest brother, but this was going pretty far, even for him, and they wondered what had gotten into him to make him act the way he had been lately. Because of all this, no one noticed that Sam had spun around. She had no idea why, but for the first time she could sense something building inside of her and she knew her uncontrollable emotion was coming. Her eyes shone blue, but because she was now facing away from everyone, nobody knew that this was happening to her. She clenched her fists together and shut her eyes tight, fighting her best to calm herself down without bringing attention to herself while also hiding what was happening to her from the rest of the brothers, afraid that this reaction would somehow make things worse.

“Leo, an alarm just tripped at the Hayden planetarium. We have to get up town” Donnie informed, cutting off the painful silence. Sam turned her just a small bit, her eyes still blue (which everyone had yet to notice) as she peeked at Leo. To her disbelief, his head was actually turned to the side, almost as if he realized how harsh he had just been and like he regretted saying what he did to his brother. But she wasn’t sure if he truly felt this way based on how he reacted right after. Leo jumped off the raised pipe and walked between Mikey and Donnie. “Gear up Donnie.” He then lightly shoved Mikey as he walked by the two youngest. “Sam, you stay here, since the other night proved that you can’t follow code either. Same goes for you two.” Sam said nothing and instead continued to look away in a stance so that none of the brothers could see her face. Raph, fuming, leapt off the pipe while Mikey and Donnie both stood there with their arms up as a way to say ‘are you serious?’. “YOU’RE BENCHING ME?!” Raph exclaimed. “Call it what you want!” Leo shouted back as he then stated to jog out of the lair through the exit by the truck. “What did I do?!” Mikey exclaimed, a pained expression displayed on his face. “Sorry guys” Donnie said with a shrug and an apologetic look before he also took off in a quickened jog to catch up with his oldest brother. If there wasn’t a serious incident taking place than the three might have fought back some, but they knew that the city could be in danger depending on what just happened at the planetarium, so for now they all followed the orders they were given.

“Well that went well” Mikey pouted. “The nerve this guy has, big timing us! He may be fine with the status quo, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make our own decisions!” Raph bellowed as he stormed off towards the other side of the lair. Mikey was about to follow, but now that all the commotion had died down, he realized that Sam had yet to say a word, or even move for that matter. “Sam?” Mikey said in a low voice. He slowly walked around so that he could see his friends face, and for the first time he realized that her eyes had turned blue. Her eyes were closed, but the light still shone in a dim light. “Sam!” Mikey said as he gently put his hands on his friend’s shoulders. Sam opened her eyes, her fists still clenched. “What happened?” Raph asked, quickly making his way back over towards the other two. “An enemy is attacking” Sam stated bluntly in a monotone voice. The two boys just looked at each other. “What do you mean by that?” Raph asked gently. “Someone is bringing chaos into your family. I must end him before he hurts all of you.” Raph rolled his eyes. “There’s no enemy. Leo was just being a prick.” “He hurt you.” Raph paused and thought of what to say next. “Yes, but I’m okay. See? My body is intact. No injuries.” Sam tilted her head, though she was still looking at Mikey and not at Raph. “No injuries?” “Nope! Not a single one.” The color faded from Sam’s eyes and her hands were now calm. “I’m pissed at your brother” she said as she looked back and forth at the two turtles in front of her. Mikey released her arms and sighed. “We’re not happy with him either.” “Well we’re going to show him that we can make our own decisions” Raph grunted. Sam nodded. “If you mean retrieving the purple ooze on our own, then I agree. Leo is leader, but you’re not his minions, and he’s not thinking straight.” “Yeah!...so what’s happening?” Mikey asked in confusion. Raph looked at Sam with a bit of shock. “Wait, you’re going to help us?” Sam rapidly nodded her head. “The ooze is being held at police headquarters. The police are no match for the Foot, or else the clan would have disbanded years ago. If we don’t act fast then Shredder will get it back and mutate more humans into mutants. I’m pretty sure he just took a team of soldiers and his new mutants with him to do who knows what at the museum, so now is the best time to get the ooze back. We have to stop him, and if Leo won’t work with us, then we’ll make a plan on our own. You guys are capable of doing that, and he should have more faith in you to do so.” Raph’s brow rose in surprise to the girl’s words. “I’m used to you playing the protective sister, not the delinquent teenage runaway” Raph said with a smirk. Sam rolled her eyes. “This was me all the time after certain events in my life. Just be glad I’m on your side.” Raph just shook his head. “Alright, let’s start working on a plan.

Sam nodded and the two went back to the eatery to sit down and discuss what would happen in order for them to secure the ooze and protect it from the Foot…while Mikey was clueless and just followed along, wondering what it was they were all doing.

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