#IS THIS A DRUG CUS IM FUCKING ADDICTED

[very-super-silly]

BABE WAKE TF UP BRODY JUST DROPPED A FUCKING BANGER

BEST SONG OF THE YEAR???

[luvfae]

i have a request for fem reader x thanos

maybe she was a famous singer who would song very provocative and vulgar songs and dress like that as well, like tattos, piercing, etc. but she made bomb ass music im thinking songs like rhianna and stuff. anyway she has s attitude and she unfortunately went down the rabbit whole getting addicted to drugs and hanging with bad people so she moved out of LA to get away from it and to korea where she is then entered in the games and obviously ppl recognize her some are fans some find her awful etc. but thanos is like her biggest fan but she could not care less untill he shows her what he has in his cross if u catch my drift?

STARGIRL

parings: thanos/choi su bong x f!reader

warnings: drug use & addiction, mention of death, squid game stuff, reader is an american popstar, smut, swearing, oral (thanos receiving), i wrote a more cringey thanos this time.

The murmurs started the second you stepped into the dorm.

It wasn’t the usual whispers—the ones laced with fear and paranoia, the ones about people who didn’t make it past Red Light, Green Light. No, this was something else. This was recognition.

“Holy shit, is that her?”

“No way.”

“Bro, that’s Y/N L/N—”

A small group of men gawked at you like you weren’t in a life-or-death game but instead walking a red carpet. Someone even had the audacity to sing one of your songs from your most recent album.

You ignored them. You weren’t that person anymore.

You tugged your hoodie tighter around you, tattoos hidden beneath the fabric. You weren’t wearing designer or expensive makeup, just the same ugly green tracksuit as everyone else. And yet, they still saw you.

The infamous Y/N L/N. The girl who had the world at her feet.

The girl who pissed it all away.

“YOOO!”

The booming voice cut through the murmurs like a gunshot, turning every head in the room.

“Y/N FUCKING L/N IS IN THIS SHIT? NAH, THATS CRAZY.”

Heavy footsteps thundered toward you before you finally turned. And there this stranger was, standing in front of you with a grin so wide it could split his face.

Player 230.

Thanos, he called himself.

You sighed, already tired.

He was built like a bouncer but looked at you like a kid meeting their idol, damn near starstruck. And while everyone else gawked from a distance, he didn’t hesitate to close the space between you.

“I gotta be dreaming right now,” he laughed, dragging a hand over his purple hair. “Yo, I used to bump your music every day.”

“I don’t care,” you deadpanned, stepping around him.

Thanos, not deterred in the slightest, just pivoted and kept pace with you. “‘Bitch Better Have My Money’ got me through some shit, I swear to God.”

You didn’t answer.

“And ‘Disturbia?’ Song of the fuckin’ century.”

Nothing.

Thanos just grinned.

“Alright, I see how it is. You hard to get, huh?” He slung an arm over your shoulder like you were old friends. “But you’re in luck, señorita. ‘Cus I don’t give up easily.”

He smelled like cheap cologne and cigarette smoke. You shoved him off.

“Touch me again, and I’ll break your fucking wrist,” you said, voice like ice.

Thanos’ brows shot up—surprised, but not mad. If anything, he just looked more amused.

“Yeeesh. You really that cold in real life?”

No response.

He clicked his tongue, shaking his head. “You were real different in them interviews.”

You huffed, turning on your heel and walking off.

“Yo, I rap,” he called after you. “We should collab one day.”

“Drop dead,” you shot back.

But Thanos just laughed.

The days dragged. The bodies stacked.

And yet, Thanos still hadn’t shut the fuck up.

If anything, he was getting worse.

After the Six Leg Pentathlon, he sat next to you, shoulders touching. He defended you whenever people ran their mouths. When your body ached from the games, he even stole an extra bread roll for you, slipping it into your lap with a smirk.

“You can thank me with a verse.”

“You’re delusional,” you muttered, but ate the roll anyway.

It was strange.

For all his cockiness and big talk, Thanos didn’t feel like the other men in here. He didn’t feel like a predator.

He felt like a nuisance.

An annoying, oversized, rap-obsessed nuisance.

And yet, you caught yourself looking for him more often than not.

—

The lights flicked off.

Instantly, the dorm fell into hushed whispers and rustling bodies. Some tried to sleep. Others stayed awake, tense, knowing what could happen once the room was drowned in darkness.

You didn’t care.

Lying on your back, staring up at the endless black void above you, you felt nothing.

Not fear. Not exhaustion. Not even pain.

You had felt pain before.

But nothing like this.

This was worse.

This was the emptiness that had driven you to that shit in the first place. The late-night binges, the parties that never ended, the highs that barely lasted. The numbing hum that silenced everything else.

And now, here you were. Back at rock bottom.

It almost made you laugh.

“Yo.”

A voice. Deep, hushed.

A shadow moved beside your bunk.

You didn’t flinch.

Thanos crouched next to you, face barely visible in the dim emergency lights. But you knew it was him.

“Couldn’t sleep,” he muttered.

You said nothing.

Thanos just smirked.

“Don’t gotta talk, ma. Just listen.”

You felt something cold press against your lips.

Metal.

Your eyes flicked down.

A cross pendant.

You frowned. “The fuck is this?”

Thanos exhaled through his nose, like he was amused. “Check inside.”

You hesitated, then reached up, fingers brushing his chain.

Click.

The small compartment popped open.

Your breath caught.

No.

No fucking way.

There, hidden in the hollowed-out cross, sat a dozen small pills.

Colourful. Familiar.

Holy shit.

Your pulse spiked. For the first time since stepping into this hellhole, you felt something.

Need.

Desperation.

“You wanna hit?” Thanos murmured, voice smooth, teasing. “Might help that little empty look in your eyes.”

Your lips parted. Your pride warred with your craving.

Thanos tilted his head. “Go on. Ask nice.”

Your hands curled into fists.

“I’m not fucking begging,” you whispered.

Thanos chuckled lowly. “Damn shame.”

He snapped the cross shut.

No.

Your heart thumped.

Your body moved before you could think, hand gripping his wrist.

“Wait.”

His smirk widened.

For a moment, Thanos just looked at you.

He was big. Solid. A walking problem with a loud mouth and an ego to match.

And yet, in the dark, he felt different. Quieter. Heavier.

Dangerous.

Your throat bobbed. “What do you want?”

Thanos leaned in, close enough that you could feel his breath against your ear.

“You know what I want.”

Your stomach clenched.

His free hand reached up, dragging the pad of his thumb over your bottom lip.

A test.

You didn’t move.

Didn’t stop him.

Thanos’ pupils dilated.

His grin turned wicked.

“Fuck, I knew it,” he murmured. “Lil stargirl, is an addict.”

Your breathing quickened.

Thanos’ fingers trailed down, tilting your chin up. “How bad you want it, mama?”

You clenched your jaw.

You had sucked dick for a lot less before.

And right now?

Right now, you needed it.

Your eyes flicked up, locking onto his.

Fuck it.

Without another word, you shifted, sliding down the bunk until your face was level with his lap.

Thanos’ breath hitched.

“Shit.”

Your fingers worked fast, tugging at his waistband.

Boxers down.

His cock sprang free, thick, heavy, already hard.

For you.

For this.

Thanos’ hand shot out, gripping the edge of the mattress like he was bracing for impact.

“Yo, wait—”

You didn’t.

Your lips wrapped around him, tongue gliding over the head.

Thanos’ entire body jolted.

“—Oh, fuck.”

A sharp inhale. His jaw clenched, head tipping back.

You worked him over with practiced ease—hollowing your cheeks, tongue tracing veins, fingers gripping his thigh as you took him deeper.

Thanos twitched.

“Jesus Christ.” His voice was strained, hushed but taut, like he was barely holding on, eyes dark and blown, watching you with something close to awe.

A goddamn pop star.

His celebrity crush.

Sucking his dick in a fucking death game.

For a pill.

His fingers tangled into your hair, grip tight but reverent.

Like he couldn’t believe it.

Like he never wanted it to end.

“Shit, señorita.” A sharp hiss. “You’re really gonna slurp me up for a pill?”

You didn’t answer.

Didn’t stop.

His grip in your hair went rigid.

“Shit, babe—”

His breath hitched, thighs tensing beneath your hands. You felt him twitch, his cock pulsing against your tongue, and then—

Thanos let out a low, shaky groan.

Hot and thick, he spilled down your throat, fingers tight in your hair as he held you there, making sure you took it. Swallowed all of it.

You did.

Because you had to.

Because you weren’t letting a single drop go to waste.

Because you needed that fucking pill.

Thanos exhaled sharply, hand flexing before he finally let go, leaning back against the bunk with a lazy, spent smirk. He looked down at you, licking his lips as he reached for the cross again.

“Damn,” he mused, voice smug and breathless. “Who knew a lil’ American pop princess could suck dick like that?”

You glared.

Pop.

You pulled off him with a slow, deliberate drag of your tongue, wiping the corner of your mouth with your thumb.

“Just gimme the fuckin’ pill.” Your voice was hoarse.

Thanos hummed, opening the cross pendant.

You reached for it—

He snapped it shut.

Your fingers twitched.

Thanos grinned. “Say please.”

Your jaw clenched.

“Was sucking your dick not enough?”

He cocked his head, smug as hell.

Your nails dug into your palm.

You inhaled sharply.

“Please?”

His smirk turned lethal.

Click.

The pill dropped into your palm.

Your fingers curled around it immediately, bringing it to your mouth, barely hesitating before swallowing it dry.

Warmth bloomed in your chest.

Relief.

Thanos just watched, head tilted, eyes dark.

Then, he laughed.

“Damn, Stargirl.” His voice was a taunt. A tease. Low and syrupy.

“You really would do anything for a hit, huh?”

His grin widened, flashing teeth.

“Good thing,” he murmured. “I got plenty more.”

And that’s how Thanos bagged his sick little addict popstar.

You’re so gone. And he knows it.

[ravenzpuppet]

INTERNET OVERDOSE

TW: swearing, drug use/drug addiction, and mentions of $H.💗 || mentally ill streamer fem!reader X Nicole (Co09) (she actually KINDA likes you)

i wanted to base this off of ame-chan from nso which is pretty obvi, this is my way of trauma dumping and coping at the same time plus writing with a diff character.

im not good with writing anything other than hcs, so bare with me on this one. ( nicole got kicked out by her house in this fanfic btw and ur tired as fuck idk if yall know this ending )

After a while of streaming and dealing with a ton of traumatizing comments from weirdos on the internet, you finally closed your laptop and put it to charge, planning to just bedrot for the rest of the day or watch some movies, anything to distract you from socializing with a bunch of strangers trying to date you at their big age...

until you surprisingly got a text from your girlfriend nicole? What could she possibly want this time? (Probably drugs again)

Sociopath ❤️

"Come outside I'm at ur door" 1:28AM

Well that's... weird? usually she never really cane over your house unless you stayed home from school and she wanted to go somewhere but at 1 AM was a bit unusual for her.

as much as you wanted to stay in bed, you just put on a hoodie before lazily rolling off your bed, quickly going downstairs and opening the door to reveal a bitchy looking nicole!

before you could say anything nicole just got to the point and asked you something you didnt really expect at a time like this, then again its nicole what did you expect to hear from her?

"Can I sleep here?"

well, that's not really surprising but honestly you had no space in your house for her to move on with you for a few weeks,, you looked at her a bit confused before speaking up

"Nicole did you really get kicked out your house or are you going through something? I dont think i have space for you..."

"No- come on, just let me stay here I dont want to sleep on some bench!" she groaned in annoyance, trying to convince you

you sigh in defeat, she would probably guilt trip you again or say she's gonna cut herself with some stolen eyebrow razor again if you didnt let her stay over...

"Fuck, okay fine! get inside..."

"Do you have any prescription to crush up in here?"

"Nicole i dont wanna deal with you fucked up again plus i need those!"

"If i give you three bucks, will you give me at least three pills?"

"... just take them.." you let out a tired sigh and point to your drawer, which was basically just old prescriptions, bandaids, and cigarettes ineide of it. "Just not the one with a sticker on the lid those i really need those right now."

".. it would be really funny right now if i took those-"

"Nicole."

"yeah, yeah fine i wont.."

after a while of nicole attempting to crush up your serotonin with the bottle lid , you got tired from staying up and watching over her. It was already 2 AM so it was about the time you usually fall asleep. You literally were just on top of her as she went through people's accounts on social media.

too lazy to continue, tried to make her actually like you cus we know she dont really care about anybody. finally wrote something after a while tho

[creatorbiaze]

Tw for a bunch of stuff (such as abuse (towards people and animals), substance abuse, pedophilia, violence, murder and death, gang (nothing detailed, just mentioned)) -born august 17 2004 -both parents are addicts living in an rv -ardor was neglected and abused by xer parents until xe turned 10 and was taken to live with xer grandma -ardor’s grandma was emotionally abusive and heavily christian -ardor has never been religious so the religious stuff never affected ardor cus xe thought it was stupid -ardor got in a relationship with damien at 13 (damien would be 18. DISCLAIMER: im not shipping these two, damien is a fucking awful person but important to ardors life and development) -ardor was a violent kid, they could not keep a pet around because ardor would either severely harm it or kill it, and often got into fights with kids at school amd with xer sibling -damien, upon discovering ardor was trans (agender), tried to force ardor to be a transwomen under the argument that “youre already not a boy anymore, so why not be a woman for me” so ardor was heavily feminized for years -damien abused ardor physically, emotionally and sexually, and subjected ardor to ITBC -ardor was dragged into a gang damien was in and forced to kill xer sibling and do a blood oath to swear/prove loyalty -when ardor was 17 almost 18, xe got into a physical argument with damien, shot him and left, and is now on the run/hiding from the gang -ardor is under the protection of vik currenlty in his gang where ardor is treated a lot better -ardor has been able to evade the police due to protection through connections -ardor has “therapy” (ranting to xer boss, journling and painting/sketching), and is doing better but is still a violent person, hates attachment (the one attachment xe has is one that xe does not want to change because its a frenemies thing which is fine) and the ptsd is majorly suppressed -ardor has asd, npd, osdd4, p-did, and avpd -ardor is a recovered drug addict and a recovering alcoholic -ardor completely changed xer appearance after leaving damien and moved to japan from brazil -ardor gives paintings to art galleries to display under an alias as a hobby -ardor wants to learn how to play piano -ardor hates falling in love because xe gets very obsessive and is scared of falling back on how xe used to be, and will push someone away when xe realizes xe actually loves them -ardor often sings along to angry and loud music as an alternative to getting into fights -ardor refuses to sit and think about how xe genuinely feels about kris and prefers to stick to the idea of kris being someone ardor hates but can be comfortable around so long as theres bickering

Ardor as a little kid, ardor as a teen, ardor currently as a young adult

poor ardor :<

but fascinating :3

[unik0rnu]

not to be lame and throw the same question back at you, but you mentioned it in the tags so it really got me curious. So same for you- Gage is unavailable (either temporarily or permanently), who does Lucy fall back on?

I was scared it will fire back at me but i guess i deserve it :D, lets bring that horrible thought to life. *sweating

Let’s start with happy scenerios cus i actually have some:

1) Lizzie Wyath is one of the options, they are friends, she trusts her with the tests and so Lizzie trusts her back but she isn’t the person that likes to travel and wander around and would most likely never leave her lab unless they would relocate somewhere in Commonwealth but then again she would rather just stay underground and do her science despite how fun it would be to travel with her. Lizzie would care for her but more as a good friend rather than something more.

2) William Black, oh boy, now he is like her second romance option if Gage would fall out of lines completely (i didn’t manage sadly to write more about it in pages and i regret it now, bigly) . He gives her a vibe of and pre-war gentleman just a bit more...croocked in a way. Problem is that William would probably have a hard time to be separated from Mags and Lizzie since they were always together before even Nuka World. Even if she would convince him to join her as a companion Nuka World would lose a good leader in a battle for operators cus i’m convinced that he is a great one, better than Mags, less emotional i would say. But what can i say, the man has manners, is classy as fuck, looks great, maybe he isn’t as crazy as Gage at some level but would be a decent replacement. 

3) Kellogg in my story isn’t dead but still works for the Institute so there is possibility if Lucy would go back to take up on more jobs to occupy herself they would start meeting more often and maybe actually get to know each other better (For ppl who don’t know she is in constant contact with Institute even as the Overboss and worked as Kellogg did after she left the Minutemen at the start.). That man lost everything and i always clicked everything in his memory to just listen to it. He is badass, experienced, knows how to fight, sure is smart, went through shit, not sure about his “fun” level but they would be a good pairing and he would be a proper counterbalance for her impulsiveness like Gage.

Maddox seems like a weird interesting guy but there is so little information about him i cannot make anything out of it. Old Longfellow is great but more as a occasional company and he wouldn’t keep up with her shit and party mood. 

Now....for a bad, very bad scenerio: well, she would probably lead herself to slow death if Gage wouldn’t show up in time or at all and if William would refuse, i know its horrible but ye....i go for all scenerios even the worst ones. Being alone means she would probably start drugging herself again, more and more heavily and so Harrison would haunt her more often, taking over her mind as he is showing up mostly in a time of doubt and turn her into his tool again and literally taking over her brain and body if she would give up. She would become a nightmare of a Commonwealth just murdering anyone the voice of her pre-war boss would order and either she would realize there is no hope for her anymore and just put a bullet in her head or someone else would take her down. If Gage would meet her in this scenerio after a long time i guess the only choice to save her would be to force her to get into that vault that treats the addicts and literally pump out Harrison out of her veins and maybe bring him literally to life in that process, fucked up shit i know (dayum sorry im going off the path here but i was thinking bout it a bit before too).

So...ye, sorry for the bad ending option but life’s isn’t just cookies and cupcakes and i accept it even for some potential story options. 

[bluefiredrakka]

Its 2 am, Im tired, Im cranky and I woke up way too fuckin early and I just had some jackass piss me off by trying to push their view onto me.

so its ranting hour once again:

the gamers who are like “U Need Exactly X/these specific mods in your game for it to be teh best game evar” are the most irritating type gamer you can be, up next to those elitist assholes that use the words “Git Gud” whenever someone has even the slightest bit of difficulty.

news flash you mod addicted fucks: Not everyone needs to cram their games with extra content for them to find enjoyment out of it. not everyone needs to make a pixelated game have hyper realistic shaders and textures so they can get more immersed, not everyone needs seven hundred more enemies to kill. not everyone needs to overhaul the entire core of the game to make it “perfection”.

its like Ice cream, sometimes vanilla is enough for people on its own, without all the gummy bears, sprinkles and super fudge with mint swirl sauce slathered all over it encrusted with honeycomb chips and have the whole thing deep fried and dunked in chocolate. 

If you’re the kind of asshole who finds someone who just doesn’t use mods because they don’t like them or they don’t need them or had a bad experience where it shredded their save files and otherwise corrupted their game or just didn’t make it enjoyable and therefor don’t use mods; just leave them fucking alone.

your “fun mods” are someone else's worst experience, your “best difficulty” setting is someone's fucking nightmare mode. your “ultimate way to play” ruins the entire game for someone else.

as someone who’s been on the ass-end of a server that was choked with mods to the point where It took half an hour for the damn thing to load: yeah, No thanks I think I’ll be mod free if you don’t mind. It made a game that I really loved extremely unenjoyable, I wasn’t having fun; to the point where I've sworn off even playing the multiplayer mode cus it was that bad.

Im not saying don’t mod or modding is bad (Kudos to those Programmers who spends years making mods the best they can or adopt abandoned mods and keep them updated, I’m sure someone out there is enjoying your hard work). I’m just saying that not everyone wants to use them and If they don’t; don’t press them about it, don’t try that “Ooh just use this 1 mod” on them like its a gateway drug. just leave them alone.

if they want vanilla, just let them have their vanilla.

Vanilla is enough on its own.

[hwspoland]

Smoke, peanut, leather, eggnog and porcelain?

[ok so you didnt write who you wanted so ill go with poland cus im love him- if you wanted someone else please do tell me]

Smoke - Have you ever taken any drugs?

yes. maybe to the point he could get addicted but- yeah, he surely did take some.

Peanut - Do you have any allergies?

for stupidity. when he hears someones talking awfully incorrect bullshit he feels sick physically 

Leather - How “badass” would you say you are?

the baby’s with super low self-esteem he’d say not much but- he’s the fucking definition of bamf ill tell you that

Egg-nog - Do you celebrate Christmas? If so, what traditions do you have? Which are your favorite?

he never really celebrated christmas in past centuries. now he celebrates catholic christmas with his friends and family but now he celebrates jewish holidays with his human jewish friends

Porcelain - Do you consider yourself a delicate person? Do you fall apart easily?

he tries to think he’s a delicate creature

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.Got love4the streets and all of you. Stay Up Fam x “If Y0u Talk En0ugh S3nc3 Than Youll Lose Y0ur M!nd” #SilenceIzB3tt3rThanBullsh!t🥀

Hi idk what the fuck I'm doing? xx

Goodnight my amazing lovelies xx

Every Rose Has Its Thorn xx

You Grow Stronger Everyday xx

Izzy, shut the hell up, your being negative again xx

🖤🥀Fake Smiles All Around🥀🖤

🖤🥀It's A Very Very, Mad World🥀🖤

💛🥀Goodbye Reality, Welcome To Dreamland🥀💛

💛🥀Would Y'all Shut Up, Your Disrupting My Train Of Thought🥀💛

🦋🖤Go To Sleep Izzy, Try Again In The Morning🖤🦋

God Is Good, Amen!

Pray For Me, My Love

I Miss You Anthony, My AngelEyez

I Miss You Izzy, Your Not You Anymore

R.I.P xx _ xx Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez xx_xx She's Not Dead Physically.

__Let's Have A Minute In Silence, For The Addict That's Still Suffering__

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L0ADiiNG;

██████████████]99%

System Malfunction; Errors: Brain Possession, Sanity Loss, Mind Damage, Overthinking, Too High Maintenance, Loss Of One's Mind, and Killing Of OnesSelf Slowly.

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🖤🥀Updated A Lil Part Of My Life Story Summerized🥀🖤

.♪★I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &10 MonthsClean.

♪★My deceased father tortured me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when my dad's torture got worse, (on multiple occasions on our he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr

♪★now I've been homeless 13 times

♪★I rose a 9 year old kid (now 14 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was In an abusive foster home (the same one I was in), so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in

♪★I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away, (under Kimberly's false accusations that I "gave him drugs")

♪★im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.

♪★Jeremy Baraz & Ismhael Baraz, got shot && I saw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well

♪★I was Prostituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused for money for us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live) and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried to st0p her, but I was to late

♪★ I've been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets, Kimberly && many more)

♪★I was in Foster Care a couple times, ×°the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drug addicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one

x°first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents

x° and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide)

♪★I’ve been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital)

♪★lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, ♪★multiple treatment centers

crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times)

♪★2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each)

♪★group homes (Rancho Domocitas), ♪★Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls)

♪★rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others)

♪★shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz)

♪★the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino)

♪★been in car accidents (over 10 times)

♪★i have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade

♪★I’ve attempted suicide over 50 to 100 times

♪★I’ve self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods)

♪★I have bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode).

♪★depression (major depressive disorder).

♪★paranioa.

♪★anxiety.

♪★Buliemia.

♪★insomnia.

♪★Dissociative Identity Fued.

♪★skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ♪★PTSD.

♪★ocd.

♪★attachment disorder.

♪★Autism.

♪★borderline personality.

♪★amnesia.

♪★multiple personality disorder. ♪★anorexia.

♪★&&..i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much)

♪★been 0n all mental Health medication (I mean ALL)

♪★ People Tried To Send

Me To Metropolitan State Hospital(highest level of Care)

♪★IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions

♪★ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship

♪★and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on four occasions (personal reasons)

♪★I’ve never had a stable home since 2011, now on Augest of 2018 I’m finally home

♪★I help others cus im used to people not caring about me

♪★I have trust issues, im always there to help to care to make sure there OK.

[for-my-dreams]

meds and thoughts

ive been taking clonazepam for years now. cant say i hate it, probs one of my favorite medications ive ever been prescribed. lately i realized i really need it to do certain things like think abt my future or draw. im guessing it has to do with felicia my critical voice.( im sure she wants the best for me but shes a dick)

being on meds isnt as half as shameful as one would think; if anything its more annoying than anything else to hear everyones opinons on whether or not you should be on antidepressants or calming medication - regardless of their knowledge on the subject. youre probably the first person theyve ever heard that takes meds for things they cant see. i dont mind them really.

ive always been weary of addictions. betting money, alcohol, drugs; i seem quite susceptible to that kinda thing. i always get way too excited abt getting my hands on them. betting or money driven games are a big nono for me, unless im with family who can control me. alcohol,, well i dont go out much so drinking alone is more depressing than staying and dealing with my thoughts. i dont really have access to drugs since i know no one who can sell them to me, except the ones that keep me from hitting myself at 1 am in the darkness of my room cus im having a meltdown. 

other than that benefit the confident feeling (or more the i dont give a fuck-yness) feels so good. recently ive been needing it a lot. im not sure i can decifer why yet. but i sure would like to. 

not gonna lie no matter how much i hear other wise i cant help but feel like everyones got their shit together. i logically know its not like that, another part of me refuses to believe it 

[skiasurveys]

1. Would you date someone who smokes? -Its not a deal breaker, but i rather him not smoke. except weed thats ok. 

2. Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs? - No way. If we had been dating for a while and then i found out he was on drugs like crazy i would get him thr help he needs, but i dont mess with that crowd.

3. Would you date the same sex? - No, I’m straight. 4. What’s your biggest turn off? - Arrogance  5. What’s your biggest turn on, physically? - strong arms/hands, tall, and facial hair 6. Where would you go on a first date? - Honestly I dont really care. I usually like somewhere chill where we can talk, but i hate when they spend lots of money on me. 7. Most hurtful relationship? - I dont know really, jack was kind of shitty but wasnt exactly hurtful. Tanner was shitty though cause he never really made plans and i just dumped him cus it was shitty and pointless.

8. Ever regretted breaking up with someone? -at first when i dumped tanner i felt bad cause i liked him but then i got over him quickly, we werent dating long. glad im with connor now. 9. Have you ever dated someone more than once? - welllll technically.. I dated Connor back in 2015..for like 11 days..and then we broke up, didnt talk for like 2 weeks, hung out again, he said he liked me a lot still, but i was in a bad place and was like nah. Skip 5 months (this is april 2016 at the time) later I texted him one day, and we started to talk again and in May of 2016 we started Dating, and weve been dating since then. So i guess kind of, but it wasnt like we had a relationship before.. 10. Do you miss any of your exes? -no 11. What’s your biggest turn on, NOT physically? -affectionate and romantic 12. Are you single now? - No

13. What is the sweetest thing someone you dated did for you? - Theres tons, one being when he held me for hours as i cried because of anxiety....Sleep behind a couch for 7 months cus he didt want to move away from me. theres a lot more though.. 14. Last time you got flowers? - I’ve never gotten flowers but i dont like flowers. 15. Are you ready to get into a serious relationship right now? - I am already in a serious relationship as of now 16. Do you like cuddling? - Yes

17. Do you hold grudges? - I only do if it was serious 18. Do you regret dating anyone? - Dylan. i dated him after i first broke up with connor. everyone liked dylan and i thought i did too. NEWS FLASH DONT DATE PPL CUS EVERYONE SAYS TOO!!! and Connor told me he still liked me but I was too ignorant to care. I regret every moment. Dylan and Mines relationship was pointless, we didnt get along that well, i didnt connect at all with him either 19. Hugs or kisses? - both 20. Missing someone? - Yes .21. Most important lesson you have learned from dating? -  dont be with someone because they like you, dont do anything in a relationship if youre not comfortable, dont date someone because everyone likes them. and do not say I love you because they said it.  22. What does it take to get you on a date? - Flirt with me, make me laugh, get to know me a little. 23. Are you happier single or in a relationship? - relationship 24. What’s the most important thing in a relationship? -Companionship, trust, commitment.  25. What would make you break up with someone? - If he cheated on me, if i stopped liking him,etc 26. Have you ever loved someone who did not love you back? -I wouldnt say love. 27. Favorite ex? - I dont have a fav ex LOL 28. How important are looks? - I love this question because everyone gets so awkward. I do believe Looks are very important, I will not date someone i find ugly. but i might find someone meh looking and then get to know them and start to like them. But I would only be with someone i find pleasing. Obvs personality too.. i wouldnt want to date someone who thought i was ugly. 29. How do you know when you are in love? - You just know. You look at them in a different way then you did before. They inspire you to be a better person. You can look past all the flaws and see who they really are. Its just a thing you know. 30. Do you consider yourself shy? - No really. 31. Would you rather date someone who was hot or someone who was nice? -well i wouldnt want a hot asshole.. 32. If someone cheated on you, would you take them back if you really loved them? - No. I think i would be too fucked up over it I could never trust them again either. 33. Have you ever been ashamed of anyone you were dating? - no 34. Do you currently want to date? - I dont need to date since im in a relationship. 35. Thing that made you the happiest today? - just connor teasing me 36. Would you ever date anyone your parents disapproved of? -  depends on why she hated him 37. Do you stay friends with the people you date? - I have tried with a few, it usually just goes no where but i never try to end relationships sour cus i still want to talk to them 38. Favorite memories with an ex? - I dont have a fav memory with a ex.

39. Would you fight over someone you wanted to be with? - well if he was with someone else, no i wouldnt be a dick. 40. Do you kiss on the 1st date? - I have before, i dont see the huge deal. 41. Would you date someone A LOT older or younger than you? - depends. my current BF is 6.5 years older but honestly thats as far as i could go. I wouldnt want to be with someone too old cause theyre in a different spot in their life. .42. Have you ever been lied to? - sure. 43. Ever been cheated on? Not that i know. 44. Do you think the word love is over used? - No. But i do think people use it too freely and think they love someone/thing when they dont.

[angel-nero]

20? 33? 34?

20. Blind or Deaf? Deaf all the time cus If im blind I wouldn’t b able to draw. Idk is better to see than hear lol

33. The death penalty?

Opinions on this… this is a usa thing haha. I don’t even know under what decisions they do this but… ?? Uuhh, okay, here people who have done nothing could spend more than 20 years without a real sentence. Or do something of one year worth it and still have 20 years in jail without being judged. It fucking sucks. I know a person who was close to my family that is in jail for years now and doesn’t has a sentence yet and I have seen how his family suffer. I have read tho, cases that really fucking makes you sick to your stomach. Let’s say this, if they follow the law so rightly and apply death sentence to people who have done incredible wrong and to people who did nothing, they should apply the other law too. My country is full of impunity and makes me so mad. The world is full of impunity. The fucking answer lol is I don’t think i accept death sentence :-/ i just want people who deserve to be in jail b in jail and if they did something incredible wrong would stay fucking there. Not paying a fucking judge piece of shit and getting out. Like rn, here, in my city, a single (1) case of rape, of a lot, got really fucking famous and national. A lil bit of international too. So the fucking law moved its fucking ass. Just because the attention it got. But it was both rich people so rich people get to cheat. And they’re cheating its way out of jail aaah blah blah. Fuckin makes me real mad. Like, for real, my own president deserves to be in jail. For killing. And the governor of my city who was missing 6 months rn is in its way to jail but im suspecting im also seeing in my damn tv how that bitch is gonna cheat its way out of jail. 
34. Marijuana ? I’ve heard people say that drugs makes u crazy and shit. And I also can see uh, folks that were friends with my parents or the friends of them and are completely nuts rn. Anyway, drugs don’t make u crazy but accelerate the illness u were gonna have anyway. As if i’d have… Alzheimer at 80 years old i’d be accelerating that and having it younger. Or schizophrenia. Bleh, I’m not as informed in this area. However, I fucking hate the videos my fb friends share about it being so fucking good. Almost better than a fucking sandwich and water. I fucking hate those videos about any drug is like, shut up???? Haven’t you see!!!??? The real shit? My cousin also have been in jail and is a mess cus of it. And! Here it’s not as easy to have it as in the states, really. It’s also way more illegal. Uh but ofc everyone wants it to be legal. Even the actual president who is a fucking monster lol have considered it. And some people argue about “yo, if it’s legal! Then contrabando will not exist!!!!???” Fucking bullshit? It’s like guns in usa. Bleh bleh bleh. I also hate the false image people build of themselves by it. Just smoke it and be normal but shut up??? Who cares about your stupid plant??? I dont want to see ur ideotic face w weed smoke on my ig stories you just seem very stupid actually and w these emojis 😎😎😎 cool cus smoking???? Nah. Stupid. I just hate the fake information of it. Wouldn’t smoke it cus i dont wanna be picked up by the marines who would take me for a “ride” to another town and would idk, beat me so i give em info of where i got it and would scream to me and shit to b left in jail after hours and being dehydrated and to have my parents crying and paying a lot of focken money for my lame ass, for me to b real addict and spending a year in some free rehab center w 0 comfort reading the Bible, cleaning till skin bleeds and making cookies to then go and sell them. Too much trouble.

This got incredible long and I apologize!!!!!! Touchy themes makes me touchy!!! Have seen lot of bullshit lol but thanks, I got critical for once lol. 2016 also was a year of also me being critical af, 24/7. So its like going back and not be in how chill af i’ve been in 2017 i almost feel guilty haahahahaha shit this sucks

[thestudyofbasements]

LOVECRAFT WAS HELLA FUCKED UP AND I KINDA FEEL BAD FOR HIM CUZ HE SEEMS LIKE HE LIVED A SAD AND LONELY LIFE AND DUDE DIED AT LIKE 40 SOMETHING BUT HOLY S H I  T WAS HE MAD RACIST BRO. I LIKE TO THINK THAT IT WAS AN EXTERNALIZATION OF THE OTHER SHIT THAT HE HAD GOING ON SINCE HE MARRIED A JEWISH WOMAN DESPITE HIS ANTISEMETIC BELIEFS BUT I ALSO KNOW SOMETIMES PEOPLE ARE BAD AND JUST BECAUSE THEY;RE NOT 100% CONSISTENT WITH THEIR BULLSHIT DOESN’T MEAN THEY AREN’T ON THAT BULLSHIT ESPECIALLT IF THE OTHER RACIST PEOPLE IN A TIME WHERE RACISM WAS MUCH MORE READILY ACCEPTED AND COMMONPLACE TOLD HIM THAT HE WAS BEING A TAD TOO RACIST. LIKE; “My fellow I understand the senitment but good graces that’s just gratuitous sir.” OR SOMETHING. IT’S ALSO A SHAME BECAUSE IT KEEPS ME AWAY FROM HIS LEGITIMATELY GOOD WRITING, YKNOW HOW DAMN HARD IT IS TOO MAINTAIN SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF WHEN ANY SUSPICOUS OR NEGATIVELY ASSOCIATED CHARACTER THAT USUALLY GETS THE INITAIL BLAME OR WHATECER FOR SPOOKY ALIEN GOD FUCKERY IS JUST ‘NOT WHITE’ AND THAT’S IT? LIKE THAT’S THE WHOLE CHARACTER IS JUST THEYRE SCARY AND SPOOKY CUS THEYRE A SHADE DARKER THAN DRY WALL. LIKE HOLY SHIT MAN ITS LIKE BEING PIMP SLAPPED WITH A BEAR DICK WHILE TRYING TO MEDIATATE IT R E A L L Y TAKES YOU OUTTA THE EXPERIENCE. ANYWAY THIS DOESNT HAVE A POINT BUT ITS 2:23 AM AND I SHOULD BE WORKING ON A POETRY PROJECT BUT INSTEAD IVE GOTTEN A LITTLE HIGH (don’t worry it wore off ages ago im totally sober rn), WATCHED MY FIRST STUDIO GIBLHI MOVIE (it was howl’s moving castle and ngl howl is a Good Romantic Wizard and i would totally, like, cuddle him in the early morning light before the world has begun to stir), AND WROTE THIS FUCKING BESPOKE MASTERWORK. honesyly im havin a great time rn and i remembered why i love procratinating ciz it always leadds to shit like this and a rekindled wonder at the world for some reason. although that might;ve just been cuz of studio giblhi being mad good at the almost genre they do. (thanks for telling me to get into that joe) yeehaw lads, lasses, and laboratory assistents, the amount of red lines on this bitch make me proud of my bullshit ADD for the win. keep on procrastinating if its a good ass time but eventually do actually get the work done its important if not in the content for the oppurtunities that good grades will unepectedly lead to. nosleep gang out, ig uh  idk i feel like i should say some important shit since you sat thru all that drivel. um. If people are already liable to hate you for who you are you may as well do away with all social posturing and fulfilling societal expectations because you’‘ll never be able to please them and to do what you wish in spite of their distain is the purist form of revenge because they poison themselves while you grow in yourself. alright im done time to do that poetry shit. good god this is a lot of text. i love you and get some sleep or youll end up like me. also any drugs below cocaine are alright in moderation, like once or twice a week when you;ve done all you have to. NEver say you need them tho otherwise you might start to believe it. You don’t need you just want it, recognizing that early and correcting is important cuz it might keep you outta addiction and shit. god i gotta go do my thing. no more weird advosory send offs to something no one[s gonna read. bye bye have fun good luck you’re worthy and i hope whatever bedevils you eases if not ceases soon.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙||HOPE #4; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙

🌙🌙🔥🔥facebook, this is part of my life story, this is in the past. Im in no way a harm to myself and others. Thank u. PART FOUR!!!🌟🌟🥀🥀 *SatanslashGod; im gonna pray, i think God is calling me to fufill His duties. I was homeless for the 13th time. I walked the streets for days. I got possessed by God. And i acted out bizarrely insanely dangerously, abnormally, like an animal. I stayed up for 3 days straight. And taking extra of my medication. I had a full blown physcotic break. I didnt kniw my name. I was talking like a baby, waving my arms in the air. I lost all my senses. I forgot how to function. I got admitted to Loma Linda ER, and they took me in right away. I was like nonresponsive. I was an animal, a vegetable. I was dysfunctional. And then they transferred me to Loma Linda BMC. Mental hospital. While i was there i acted out. They put me on concervertaship, i had a hearing, and i saw the judge. It was my over 200th mental hospital. And the judge almost sent me to an institution but i lied, and i got off. Ive been concervered over 5 times. I gor diagnosed with ovee 10+ mental illnesses. Critically/Clinically Insane && The Most High Maitnence Case In The System. When i was 12 i sold my soul to the devil. And i became a bully. And multiple places and people told me that i had a serial killers personality, that she looked into my eyes and said "theres nothing in there" "your untreatable" "your too high maintenance for us to treat" my therapist Thea said ahe waz one step away from conserving me and taken to a state institution. And she said they probably couldn't treat me. Ive been to 215 mental hospitals. And ive been thru it all. I cant tell the difference between God and satan, when i get commands i cant tell the difference. *Richard Enxxellia/Puppoi/Three 7s/SeventyThree6's/UglyBitterSky; Richard gives me paranormal activities. Qualities, which he possesses me to act out dangerously. One example is when i get homoscidal. He decodes the devil into me. He moves certain objects and living things to make me use my 10 senses. As i dissociate to many alternate universes. The darkness takes over me. He decodes demons into me. Decoding me, i have codes, we all do. In NXSP. Rascal/Raskal is my therapy dog. Whos dying of cancer. I hallucinate him everywhere. But i see him as if he was real. And people tell me itz all in my head. Like i have a full blown convo or im playing with him. But my mom and bro tells me hes not in here. Three 7s is where my mania gets out of control. Like i feel like im famous, for the right or wrong reasons. Its all a delusional world. I go out of reality now 100% of the day. And thats not normal. *Bad Mommy-Good Mommy/Duplicates Of People/TwentyStepsForward; __::::TSF was a demon that Johnny hated, but somehow was connected too. So after Me/I, Izzy "Ace 8/Spizey/MsSweetInsanityyx" (Me/I/M3/iii) killed him. The reason why Lily "Dancing Fire" was so mad at Izzy was because TSF turned to ashes after Johnny died, (was killed by Izzy) and that made Lily wanna send Izzy to The Ends more, as she tried to follow thru with that plan, but failed. Ever since i killed Johnny, Dancing Fire has become a bigger and more dangerous demon in my head, becoming worse and telling Alvaro to possess me more. So Alvaro && Dancing Fire have gotten worse. After i killed Johnny. __::::Bad Mommy/Good Mommy take toll of my mind. When i was in my drug and alcohol addiction, Bad Mommy got worse, she wears a scar on her face. She abuses me, (in real life she did abuse me mentally and very rarely physically, but this was before i got back into my addiction) after i tried to come home after she kicked me out *again* (while i was homeless for the 13th time) i was on cocaine, meth. Acid, pills, heroin etc etc. I came home and she slammed me against a wall, and called me a whore. Then she "switched" and forgot about it later, it scared me, and she won my trust and forgiveness back by giving me brownies. This went on for awhile. In reality tho. She did call me really offensive names. But she didn't slam me against the wall. I was scared of her and on multiple occasions didn't wanna come home from school. Anyways i dont wanna elaborate on that. __::::Duplicates of people really fucked me up. This waz after me coming home in 2018. I saw duplicates of people i do and don't know. And it scares me. Now it only happens with my therapy dog, Rascal *Cones/Wesley "Presley" Garcia/Mr.OutOfDate; |__::::????::::__| XX_XX __::::????::::__ | | Cones;____Guide me in the right direction. Master Cone. Controlling your slaves and servants. Your fucking with my head, your make me follow your path, as u soar strangely thru the air. Trying to show me a new reality, the Cones are ahead of the other flying objects. Its like your all dancing around me and my reality of a dreamland, a dreamland like reality. You opened my eyes, but also made me more insane. Therez all sorts of shapes, dancing strangly. You made me dissociate more than usual. As i traveled all the universes and galaxies. You did both harm and good for me. Thank u, for opening up my eyes, as im developing my 11th sense, i already have 10 senses. You traumatized me and u saved me. Thank u. Cones and Objects. For becoming a part of me. Cones are non living transitioning to living. But only i can see them. I appreciate you all. All the different breeds and kinds of objects. Theres millions of them. And im glad we crossed paths. I love u my Cone Family🖤🥀🌙🔥 Wesley "Presley" Garcia;____ Dear, Wesley/Presley, Did u Wanna get away, why did u make Johnny so bad, i know u were his master. And i know after u died, Johnny took your place, but i had to kill him, he tortured me and all of NXSP, i just wanna ask, why are u so fucked up? We did nothing to deserve this torture. Thank u for trying ur best with Johnny, but i just wanna let u know, even if u tortured us (made Johnny do it) im still here for u, cus i jyst found out that you didn't torture Johnny. Lily lied. And i should have known. Johnny tortured u, and no one knew, so i apologize for blaming u. Johnny also made up stories about you, that u tortured him. And i just put the pieces together and i realized Johnny started all this. NOT ERIN! Lily is just as bad as Johnny and Alvaro. All 3 of them fucked and traumatized all of us. If there is anything i can do to help. Plz let me know. I wanna save NXSP. Not destroy it. I know ur dead, but i miss u. And i realized you tried to pull/put NXSP back together, now its just pure darkness. Do u mind (&& u dont have to if ur not comfortable with it) send us angels to protect us from harm. Like what Constance used to do. I love u hun, keep fighting, soldier, Sincerely, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez/Ace 8/Spizey/Ms_SweetInsanityyx && im also speaking for my family at NXSP. I love u. Hope u get this message.🖤🥀🌙🔥 Mr.OutOfDate;____ You give me reoccurring dreams and visions of my mom dying. && u made me live thru hell itself. Literally, and u bring me closer and more content with death. I feel like im dying everyday, like literally. I feel my body being tortured by my demons and Satan. Who ive met thru traveling the galaxies and universes. Why? I wanna live, not die. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this. "I wanna become content with living But i feel closer that death My mom is the only thing i have Without her i would already be dead I check her breathing while shes asleep on her bed I just wanna be dead No words left unsaid I feel closer to death everyday And i feel myself fading away Still happens to this day Losing levels of sanity more each day Losing my mind and i cant stay awake Ive been thru hell and torture Trauma, pain and darkness Do we know all the answers? Do we all get possessed by the devil Do we all lose control by the hour Dont die Mom Plz dont go Your my sun Plz dont go Your my reason I sold my soul to the darkness But i cant let my mom go Its hard to explain the love i have for her Its easy to explain why i love her Im becoming closer to death Got this fire in my heart Got this fire in my soul Im not whole, im not ok Maybe ill be ok one day I love u mom, Mr.OutOfDate, Youve come way to date You brought me and made me live thru hell Ive lived thru hell itself. Goodnight my beautiful sunshine Aint nobody dying tonight."-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Were all strangers to ourselves. Its hard to say i love myself, cuz im broken and damaged. I love u mom, ur my everything. Your my sunshine my sunrise and my nighttime. If u die i die. Goodnight. 🖤🥀🌙🔥 *Visions&Hallucinations of Past&Future/ObjectsHavingAForceOnMe; Dancing Fire cordinates it. All 100% of my past flashes in my head at random times. And i cant control it. Id be in a completely different reality. And i use all my 10 intensitied senses for every part of my past. Like i was there again. CODE 203 J REPEAT CODE 203 THIS IS SYSTEM SHUTDOWN X FOLLOW ALL GIVEN PROCATIONS. Lily you need to get the fuck outta here with that shit. SHUT UP CHARLOTTE! Homie, you better back up. Im talking to u, Lily. Well Charlotte imma show Izzy her past right now. OHHHH IS THAT IT LILY THATS WHY UR SHUTTING EVERYTHING DOWN! I miss u Lily, the old u.. Im not feeling to good Lily. Im sorry Lily. IM DONE! When objects look at me, its like im looking in a mirror, and there using codes to take over me && they scare me, for example i can look at a door knob, a window. A sky, a cieling, and i feel like it has a force on me. Like there trying to get inside me. Like i see a chair and i scream cuz its looking right thru me. Heres a lil poem i wrote: "Dont talk to the ceiling It might talk back Taking over me Can u see me Can u hear me Do u get that peculiar feeling Of all the hell im dealing Leave me alone I dont have a stable home I look into ur eyes The pretty silver sky Its looking right thru me Its posessing oh its controlling me Got that strange feeling Are these the Aces that im dealing Your looking right thru me Dont listen to the walls They dont think when they talk Dont run away from fear Dont draw the devil nearer There decoding you my darling There breathing how non living objects should Cuz non living things are just as important As living things, your being cornered Breathe my friend In and out Breathe and shout Theres no way out There surrounding me Im inside my TV This is all a game And i declare you insane Smiles on everybody Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors Smiles on my little baby Nobody needs to ser what goes on behind closed doors. Take control dont let it control you Why are u so blue? Are u in the flumes Ace 8 Break It Down Theres No Way Out Im In The Dark Now Im Just Hellbound The more u try to fight it The stronger it gets I would take my life to save yours Trauma occurring 24/7 From 2001-2018 Over 10+ mental illnesses They say your insane Well they did diagnose me critically/clinically insane So play your game, Satan Torture me, im waiting So play your Ace, Aint nobody dying tonight Not in this place Your known as the girl with no face Your pointing me towards my dog days Who am i, good question Fuck me torture me, my new obsession Im used to hell and trauma I know rock bottom Im used to pain and darkness Were all in it for the torture There controlling me There possessing me They arnt living Sonetimes non living things Are more alive than the living Smiles on, everybody Shut them system down Smiles on, everyone Were not going down without a fight."-written by me. Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez Sometimes non living are more living than the living. I deal with this everyday. Stay strong yo. *Flying Objects/DemonsPosssesingMe; **||||** Flying Objects: objects that are non living but act like there living. All non living objects float around and talk and act like the living. Like the taxis, or the furniture or anything thats an object. Starts using there senses, they have more senses than us. Heres a lil thing i wrote about that.;;;; "You take control Sweet little ceiling A dangerous feeling Are we really dreaming Your magic head got me screaming You are demons inside of objects As the tables fly As the staircase sighs Its like a labrynth Were all sentenced Were in a fantasy This isnt reality Wake up. Wake up Torture me plz dont stop Wake up wake up All non living things are living All non living things are living Dont be drifting Dont be living Cuz ur not living No not at all They all have faces They all have bodies They all have senses Dont be scared my love Dont runaway my love Im an animal in a cage I got blinding rage I got bad and good days The chairs are all wrong Smiley is coming back Am i wrong? Am i right? Police on the search for me There not gonna catch me These flying objects are very living They will protect me They will seduce me. Flying objects flying round They dont make a single sound Take me far away"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez **||||** Demons Possessing Me; ??????Different Species if demons come and literallt possess me. I start raising hell ans becoming the demon thats controlling my body. I literally "snap into DeZanity" which is 100% worse than Insanity. I become dangerous, act out strangely unsafely dangerously etc etc. I become worse than satan himself. I walk thru and live thru hell itself. Ive seen hell. Ive literally lived in hell. I become darkness itself. Heres a lil thing i wrote about this; "Falling down to rock bottom Lived inside hell, oh pardon? Did u possess me last night the devil fucked me in the dark light I dont kno what to do Why u feelin blue, My darling my darling They say im acting strange Out of character as u say They say i went completely insane Out of character as they say The darkness controlling me Demons possessing me Im dangerous, im dangerous This aint fun Im always on the run I snapped into DeZanity I lost all my senses Ive died many times Im just fucking senseless As all the species of demons Come inside of me Im a dysfunctional animal Im a dysfunctional animal Who am i, my mind is worse than hell itself The devil puts himself up on the shelf Hes not powerful enough to enter Tryna make these dreams centered Tryna make reality my bitch Dont try. Do, win lose Dont do. Try, lose win Either way. There out to get me Lets change the codes Weve already killed ourselves. So far away from home Im feeling so alone. Im feeling cold Flying around the universes There aint no reverses Imma tell u a secret I am more powerful than the devil Are u gonna run and hide Were committing suicide My name is Izzy, Ace 8 My name is Tyler, Ms_SweetInsanityyx Lets fuck this place up Im here to save and help all non living And living things, im here to save the world I help, care. Love support be there Im by there side no matter what When u fall ill lift u up I help everyone and everything obsessivly Im on the battlefield fighting by yo side Im not in the sidelines Lets get ready to snap back Izzys out for the attack. Goodnight, Drearyyx"-written by me, Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez _____________||||____________ *Dancing Rooms/Past In Vivid Movie-LikeForm; ||||_||||Dancing Rooms; dont talk to the ceiling it might talk back. Im in a dreamscape, traveling thru the galaxies, doors all over the walls, all the stair cases are going in many directions, they keep moving. They dont stop. Each room is something new. Im walking over the stars 🌟 , i see all of these different galaxies. Were midnight racing. Its like im in a Lo-Fi setting. All my dreams turned reality. Im in a wild place. Im soaring thru space. U ever seen the movie Labrynth with David Bowie its like that. I feel so free, racing cars over the stars. Im not in reality. Im escaping. Its like im flying, always flying. Im traveling everywhere. You saved me. Dancing Room. Its like a good trip. Like were in a movie, many kinds of movies. Its a new reality. Im escaping earth. So many colors. So much to see. Im sitting on the sunrise. I turn on Lo-Fi radio (the app is purple) and i do meditation to it. I go to extraordinary places. Thank u Dancing Rooms. ||||_|||| Past In Vivid Like Movie Form; so u kno ive had brutal trauma. Hell, pain, torture, bad experiences occurring 24/7 since 2001-2018, and u read part of my life story. Well theres sone parts u dont kknow, Dancing Fire flashes my past in more than just flashbacksx its in vivid movie form frok beginning to end. But its everyday. And even when im happy i get reminded that it constantly, Dancing Fire aka Lileth "Lily" Ramos-Garcia. Tortures me with it. The more i try to escape it or "put my past in the past" i get reminded of it everyday, from beginning to end. Its not ok. And i also get nightmares everynight that makes me not wanna sleep. Like i could be doing my thing, and out of fucking nowhere here comes the show (vivid movie like form of my past from beginning to end) and i cant escape. People say "leave ur past in the past" uh how am i supposed to do that if i get constantly reminded of it every day. ?? But yet i help care love support fix save be there for everyone and everything obsessivly. And i dont stop. I love helping others, i wanna save and fix all non living and living things. That's what keeps me alive. Someone asks me "what's wrong Izzy. U havent been yourself lately?" i tell them an excuse like "im fine" so imagine this: _Having over 10+ Mental illnesses _Having trauma occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018 _being constantly reminded of ur past daily _having 22+ mental breakdowns a day, every day _trying to remain sane _dealing with the present. _never escaping the past _everything combined together times 10+ working all at once _and trying to describe what ur feeling/whats going on/what's wrong, cus u don't know how to explain it _Constantly having demons fuck with ur head _hating myself _having an eating disorder/autism _not kniwing what ur feeling _feeling unwanted and unloved _being tortured, abused, raped most of ur life _not knowing who u are _having no home from 2011-2018 _having no hope _having severe brain damage _being critically/clinically insane _Been thru/experienced mostly every traumatic thing _not wanting pity sympathy or attention _after 2018, the hell never ending, getting worse mentally physically and emotionally _being insecure _dealing and drug addiction/alcoholism (im over 1 year sober _being the blacksheep _being LBGTQ _not wanting to date ever again/hating sex _cant go in public without breaking down _dissociating 99% of the day _explaining yourself to people _my mom being sick. My dogs having cancer _my mom and bro not wanting me home _thinking ur worth nothing _being a prisoner to ur mind _not knowing who u are _Alvaro possessing me _not feeling like ur in ur body/being possessed _paranioa/objects having a force on u _being confused/delusional _everything youve read/heard in all of this story applied to u everyday _acting like ur okay _trying to save. Fix. Love. Care, support, help, be there for everyone and everything obsessivly but not feeling like its good enough _missing my unbio son, Anthony everyday. _not wanting to cry or show emotions _avoiding feeling feelings/being so used to the bad that u cant process the good _not processing things _wanting to end ur life on a daily basis _wanting to self harm/act out on a daily basis _just hating yourself/having trust and anger issues _the rest i cant explain 🌟🔥🌙Hey this is Izzy here, thank u for breathing, for being alive. Im proud of u. Thank u for coming to my TED TALK.🌙🔥 **Another One Of My Suicide Attempts (i was on the online news); My brother and i got into a huge fight. Cuz we were playing pranks on eachother, but around that time i got raped *again* my mom still isnt aware that it. My whole past flashed by in my head vividly. My mom and brother told me they didnt want me home. And i felt like a failure. I was walking on the side of the street and the highway. I self harmed really bad. But i got home and everything else was a blackout. I had 33 breakdowns that day. We were at Farmer Boys. And my mom kept asking if i was "okay" i told her "yes" but i was lying. I had dreams of my granpa dying (hes deceas3d now) and my monmm dying. My mental health got 10 times worse. Leading up to my attempt i got raped again* by 10 people one by one torture, abusing and raping me for about 2 hours. I still havnt told my mom. I came home and i tried to have a "silent suicide attempt" i took 2 bottles of Gabapentin (one of my medications, this ones for anxiety) and they were big bottles, and i took every pill in there. I started fading out and u heard a voice in my head, trying to stop me from dying. I called 911 and told them that i overdosed, they got all my info and told me to stay where i was. There were fire trucks. Ambulances, police cars. They made me drink Charcoal, instead of pumping my stomach. My mom came out && was talking to the officers/AMRs etc. They did there normal procedures and transported me to Corona Regional Medical Center (aka CRC). I had a sitter, or a 1:1, they did their hospital procedures and i got transferred to "The Willows Mental Hospital" (Still CRC but not emergency, just psychiatric) my brother told me i was on the Corona Newspage, descibing my attempt. But not using any names of people. But it showed my house. I stayed on a 52/50 hold. I cant remember clearly exactly how the whole thing happened but im doing the best i can. ________________________________________ 🌙🔥🌟🥀hey its izzy, if anyone needs a prayer lemme know ok. This is something i just wrote, its from my heart. Stay True!!! Keep sharing your story, cuz it matters you matter your life matters YOU MATTER. , thank u for breathing, for continuing and being alive. Ur all Angels, you are a work of art, you just gotta put the peices together. U gotta creaate your art, your story. It doesnt end here tho. Id give my life if it meant all of u become painless, im not a saint. I just wanna be the person to save care love be there for living and non living things. Yea ive had trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018, but its 2020 in a month. All i want for Christmas is for all yall to be safe and happy. If any of yall need anything, ill be here. Ill be fighting by ur side on the battlegrounds. Im sitting here crying cuz idk how to fix this world. Im proud of u. Even if u didnt wanna be alive today, youve made it another day and youve made it this far. Your doing the best u can. You all make me wanna cry cuz of how amazing u are and how beautiful ur soul is. If ur thinking about taking ur life tonight trust me ive been there. Put ur hand on ur heart, feel that? That's purpose. Your life is a mess right now. Keep looking up. Your someones reason. I wanna save ur life tonight/today. Thank u for ecsisting. I know its dark out, you grow stronger every second. Take ur time. Slow down, take a moment or a few moments. Relax ur whole body, ur gonna be ok. Ur gonna keep fighting. For everyone but mainly for yourself. Im proud of u. Trust me im far from ok. But id do anything if it means everyone else can ok. U are a broken soul. But we will fight, we will win. We will stick together x im here for all yall. Dont go. Its not ur time. I kno it may seem cliche. Bit ur voice matters ur story matters your message matters. YOU MATTER YOUR IMPORTANT YOU HAVE A PURPOSE YOUR ENOUGH YOUR WORTH IT. ! Thank u for being u. This is Izzy here. Keep fighting, soldier. Keep going. Your destiny is inside of u. I love u all. Message me if anything. Stay true stay u. Live u my warriors my angels xx----Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez (me)🖤🥀🖤🥀

[skiasurveys]

SAD SECTION 01. Have you ever really cried your heart out? many times. 02. Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? yeah i have.  03. Have you ever cried on your friend’s shoulder? i have with one friend, and ive cried in my boyfriends arms. It’s a very weird feeling 04. Have you ever cried over the opposite sex? yes 05. Do you cry when you get an injury? no, unless its super painful hahaha but more like tears not crying 06. Do certain songs make you cry? some do , especially if they remind me of someone or a certain time 

HAPPY SECTION 01. Are you a happy person?  no. not really. I can be happy for a small amount, or if im doing somthing. im usually just low or neutral. 02. What can always make you happy? youtube videos, my friends/boyfriend, memes.  03. Do you wish you were happier? I do. I wish i didn’t get so fucking sad all the time. it happens, it makes me so mad because i want to be happy and it happens randomly so it’s fucking annoying 04. Is being happy overrated? no unless youre being happy all the time and at wrong times, then it’s weird? 05. Can music make you happy? yea

LOVE SECTION. 01. How many times have you had your heart broken?  many times. 02. Have you ever loved someone so much that you’d die for them? yeah, currently right now. 03. Anyone besides your friends/family ever said they loved you? yeah my boyfriend 04. Have you ever been head over heels? yeah, i am. 05. Who are three people you love right now? my boyfriend, my best friend and my cat

HATE SECTION. 01. Who do you actually hate? I hate the man who assualted me. And I hate my ex best friend. Fuck them. They can burn in fucking hell. 02. Have you ever made a hit list? no 03. Have you ever been on a hit list? I dont know lol 04. Are you a mean bully? no i don’t bully people, and if i have ever bullied someone then it was intended. 05. Do you hate George Bush? lol idk

SELF ESTEEM SECTION. 01. Are you good looking? Not overly. 02. Do you wish you could be someone else? no i just wish i looked different.

I HAVE … [x] done drugs [ ] been to a rave. [] ridden in a taxi. [ ] jumped a ramp with a bike. [x] been used. [ ] ran from the cops. [ x] been fired [ ] snuck into a movie. [ x] got hit by a car [x ] fired a real gun. [ ] snuck out of the house. [ ] been arrested. [] gone in a mosh pit. [] stolen something from your school. [ ] celebrated New Year’s in Times Square or Disney World [ ] gone on a blind date. [x ] had a crush on a teacher [ ] celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans. [] been to Europe. [ ] been to Australia [ ] been to Hawaii [x] skipped school. [ x] thrown up from drinking. [ x] played ‘Clue’. [x] had a sleepover. [x] gone ice skating. [ ] been cheated on. [ ] had your tonsils out. [x ] have/had a TRUCK. [x ] driven a car. [ ] totaled a car. [ x] flashed someone [ x] been flashed

DO YOU … [x] feel loved. [ x] feel lonely. [] feel happy. [x ] hate yourself. [] have a dog. [x] sing along with your music. [ ] listen to Hawaiian Music. [x] listen to rock [x] listen to punk [ ] listen to hip hop [ ] listen to rap. [ ] listen to country. [x ] listen to reggae. [ x] listen to techno. [ ] listen to hardcore. [x] listen to pop. [ ] listen to r&b. [ ] listen to jazz. [x] listen to indie. [ x] listen to christian music [x] listen to bands that can’t be put into a category. [ ] listen to showtunes [x] have hobbies [ ] skateboard. [] get good grades [] play an instrument. [x ] have slippers. [ ] wear boxers [] wear eyeliner [x] wear mascara [x] like the color blue. [x] like the color pink. [ ] like the color red [x] like the color green [x] like the color black [x] like the color purple [ x] like neon colors [ ] think all those colors are okay except the ones you x-ed are better [] like to read [x] like to write. [ ] have long hair. [x] have medium length hair. [ ] have short hair. [x] have a laptop. [ ] have a pager. [x] have a cellphone

ARE YOU… [x] bored ] happy [ ] upset [x ] blonde [] brunette [ ] a redhead [ ] Samoan [ ] Philipino [ ] Korean [ ] French [ ] American [] Italian [ ] Black [ ] Mexican [ ] Asian [x ] A Christian [ ] A Muslim [ ] Polish [ ] Irish [ ] German [ ] Austrian [ ] Russian [ ] Norwegian [ ] Danish [ ] Hispanic [ x] Other [ ] No clue. [ ] a Hindu. [ ] a scientologist [ ] agnostic [] atheist [ ] satanist [ ] religiously confused [x] short [ ] average [ ] tall. [] realistic. [x ] an emotional person. [x] texting someone. [ x] scared to die. [ ] buzzed [ ] high [ ] caffeinated [ x] annoyed. [ ] hungry. [ ] thirsty. [ ] on the phone. [] in your room. [ ] drinking something. [ ] eating something. [x] very ticklish [] listening to music

LOOK AT ME. 01. What is your current hair color? blonde 02. Whats your natural color?  brown 03. What color are your eyes?  brown 04. Current Piercings? none  05. Straight Hair or Curls?  curls. straight hair looks ugly ( i mean extremely straight)

CURRENTLY WEARING. 01. What shirt are you wearing? its a grey band tshirt thingy 02. Shorts? no 03. Shoes? no

THIS OR THAT. 01. Rock or Rap 02. Coffee or Hot Cocoa 03. Wild Night Out or Romantic Night In 04. Chocolate or Vanilla 05. Hummer or Sports Car 06. Bracelet or Necklace 07. History or Science 08. Sleep In or Early To Rise 09. Beach or Boardwalk 10. Hoodie or T-Shirt 11. Night or Day 12. High School or College 13. California or Florida

HAVE YOU EVER. 01. Hugged someone? OF COURSE  02. Been on the phone until the sun came up? yeah, ive done it with skype a lot too, or when my boyfriend and I first started to date we would talk all night on the phone ( cus he worked night time so he was always up from 11 pm- 6 am) 03. Put a song on repeat for more than an hour?  i have and it ruins it  04. Laughed so hard you peed in your pants? YES. when i was like 16-17 my best friend and I walked to Mcdonalds and on the way back we kept laughing and i actually full on peeds myself, like empty bladder pee. lmao it was so awkward. and we had to walk home still

LASTS. 01. Person you talked to in person? my sister 02. Person you talked to online? sasha  03. Person you talked to on the phone? mom 05. Laugh? a few hours ago 06. Last time you had a shower? this morning 

OTHER. 01. Do you like surveys? im addicted to them 02. What kind of shampoo do you use? whatever is in the shower 03. Do you get along with your parents? for the most part. 04. Do you have mental breakdowns? Ive never had a mental break down, if were talking about an ACTUAL ONE. But i have had days where ive shut down and tried to kill myself.

05. Did you ever fake being sick? i did a lot in like middle school and sometimes in high school. I did once and got the swine flu when i was like 12. LOL karma

CURRENT. 01. Current Mood: lonely 02. Current Music: im listening to my video game music but thats it 03. Current Hair:  In  a pony tail  04. Current Longing: idk 05. Current Thing I Ought To Be Doing: right now, nothing

06. Current Windows Open: facebook and tumblr 

07. Current background picture on your phone: art 08. Current Favorite Music Artist: Pink floyd