#IM THE MOST EMBARRASSING ASEXUAL MAN ALIVE

[baconcolacan]

Is it telling I’m getting lowkey embarrassed drawing gay people just kissing???

[stabyou]

nsfw ramble

i have. so many sexual urges and desires that i have repressed so hard my entire life that i don't even know how to unpack them. a part of it is my autism, my awkward clumsiness in sexual settings something that always deterred me, but even moreso, it's my body. i was born wrong. of course this is commonly thought with trans folk i just... wow. i never realized how much i hated sex growing up not just because it being coerced upon me in most instances, but because my body felt like prey to be devoured. like something to splay open and pick out the ribs, eat and drink, break apart until there's nothing. to be a "woman" in these sexual settings with men that never desired me besides to pleasure themselves merely using me as an outlet, i learned to resent it, i learned to avoid it just like everything else. and i was so young. i lost my virginity when i was twelve years old to a twenty year old man who made me bleed. and every time i had sex after that, even with my boyfriend at the time, felt just like i was that prey. being eaten fucking alive, i always felt so vulnerable, so open, please don't touch me there, don't look at me there, that's my worst fear.

i know, too, that so much of this is shame and guilt from my trauma, but its from my self loathing, too. i feel like im too ugly and disgusting to be allowed to want sex. which feels.. stupid to write down, honestly. i know that's not how it works, but i feel so reprehensible that something good and pleasurable like sex is off limits to me, because i don't deserve to feel good. i feel guilty for liking people sexually because im ugly, because im avoidant, because that feels wrong for me specifically to do. this is so much of why i feel like i can't ever open myself up sexually.

im not asexual. i thought i was my entire teen years, but god, i was just a child with trauma.. now im the 25 year old wondering why all my sexual urges are so intense and like ive never felt them before.. and it's because i haven't. i was actually completely unable to view sex as anything besides an obligation of me when someone loved me romantically when i was younger. i viewed it as something entirely away from me, seperate and not touching me, and even when i had wants to be intimate in that way i would never ever speak on it. it just got repressed into my brain, shoved into a place, never to be found.

and i wish it could be normal with me. but sex has never been normal with me. i feel like i know absolutely nothing about that part of me, and i feel really embarrassed for that fact, especially as someone who now realizes they want sex. and it's okay to want, but it feels so wrong, feels like i can't speak about it, feels like i can't even be horny. as if im not allowed. it was easier for reserve myself and say i never wanted it, that i was ace, that i didn't get it at all..

it was easier, but not better. i want to find a way to understand that side of me, to find the things i like sexually, to not feel so anxious and guilty and shameful for merely wanting to fuck like so many other people. im terrified, i don't know how to navigate it. i guess i didn't unpack that trauma as well as i thought...

[thebeauregardbros]

Character Profile : Alus

Full Name: Alus Beauregard Pronunciation: Ah-Loose Beau-Regard (IPA: ɑːljuːs boʊɹəɡɑɹd) Nicknames: Alice (dontcallhimthisunlessyouwannagetyelledat) Height: 5′8″ (a few ilms higher with heels, which he wears ALWAYS) Age: ~24 Zodiac: Nald’thal, The Traders (note: Alus’ actual nameday is unknown, this is just his father’s chosen Guardian to represent his twin sons.) Languages: Common, Some Hingan.

PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.

Hair Colour: Golden Blonde Eye Colour: Heterochromia; Right eye is purplish-red, left eye is yellow-gold. Skin Tone: A light tan bronze with a gold-ish undertone. Body Type: Muscular and burly; built for stamina and strength. Long legs. Accent: Some sort of hybrid of the fancy speech of the high Ishgardian nobility and the common (British?) Ul’Dahn. He tends to sprinkle his speech with “thous” and “thees” he picked up as a follower of Urianger, and only ever uses contractions when particularly frustrated or flustered. Dominant Hand: Right-handed Posture: Ridiculously perfect at all times; it actually comes off as too stiff or formal to most people as he practically never lets his posture relax. Scars: Countless large and small upon his chest, back, stomach, arms, thighs... none on his face. He covers evidence of his scars well with his habit of constantly wearing discreet formal clothing. Tattoos: None.

CHILDHOOD.

Place of Birth: Unknown - Found outside Ul’dah, at the church of Saint Adama Landama. Hometown: None; adopted son of a constantly travelling Eorzean merchant. He simply regards the region of Eorzea as his home country. Birth Weight / Height: Unknown. Manner of Birth: Unknown. First Words: Probably something generic like Papa. Siblings: Twin brother to Arc Beauregard; his best friend and partner in adventuring. Parents: Gwenneg Beauregard (Adoptive Father; Deceased) Parental Involvement: His father had a seemingly endless supply of stories for Alus of fantastical tales of knights, princes, and paladins who rescued damsels, protected the weak, and saved the realm from evil over and over again. The family was close and always there for eachother, doing practically everything together - always open, honest, and kind to one another. Alus will never forget his father, nor ever spend a single day not wishing he could see him alive and happy just one more time.

ADULT LIFE

Occupation: Free Paladin, Military Field Medic, and Cafe Proprietor. Current Residence: Sleeping on the too-small couch of his personal Cafe Nobilitea. Close Friends: Arc Beauregard and Urianger; the latter probably thinks of Alus more as an acquaintance. Relationship Status: Single; not really taking dating very seriously right now. Financial Status: Constantly fluctuating; he has a bad habit of giving away his gil to the first random needy person he sees, or spending his pocket money on lavish dyes and glamours. Driver’s License: A rarely used chocobo racing license that qualifies him for high-level racing of the Gold Saucer chocobo races, and a proof of ownership card for his military-issued chocobo. Vices: Gambling, Shopping, Unwanted Lecturing, Rambling

SEX & ROMANCE.

Sexual Orientation: Questioning (Asexual) Romantic Orientation: Panromantic Preferred Emotional Role:  submissive  |  dominant  |  switch  |  unsure Preferred Sexual Role:  submissive  |  dominant  |  switch  |  sex repulsed Libido: As someone absolutely inexperienced with romantic relationships, he believes that sex is an extremely sacred and personal romantic thing between two people deeply in love instead of something done for the simple sensation of pleasure, and becomes extremely flustered when personally talked to about sex. It’s just not something he particularly cares about besides the emotional meaning it may mean to someone he will one day care about. I think he understands some people care about sex more than he does, and he respects that. Turn Ons: Patiently being given the opportunity to take the lead in flirting ; Being able to help people ; Having his hair complimented ; Having a piece of his loose clothing cautiously held on to ; Being open & cheerful about his platonic love and devotion for someone he barely knows, and having that enthusiasm returned. Turn Offs: People entering his close personal space or being touched w/o his permission ; People who betray or lie to their friends and/or allies ; Being ignored ; Violence ; Vulgar language Love Language: When Alus likes a man, he is very upfront about it. He’ll throw around phrases like “I love you!” without restraint, even while barely knowing them. If he’s truly comfortable with someone, he’ll touch them first - Usually just as a hug or holding their arm or hand - That’s his sign to basically say “You can touch me back however you want.”. When he’s romantically interested in a woman, however, he’s the opposite of that confidence - He’s constantly stuttering, looking away, clearing his throat, trying so hard to just form a proper sentence, and squeaking out outright pleas for them to do something to stop being so damn attractive for ONE SECOND just so he can think clearly. He will NEVER touch a girl without her permission first. For nonbinary people, it may depend on if said person is more feminine or masculine. Relationship Tendencies: Alus has never been in a steady romantic relationship before, but I imagine he’s the sort of guy to bring flowers to his loved one every day, insist on cooking for them, constantly shower them in compliments, and greet them with an excited running attack hug. He’s like an excited golden retriever, he loves you so much.

MISCELLANEOUS.

Hobbies to Pass the Time: Shopping, gaming/gambling at the gold saucer, baking, flower arrangement, coordinating new outfits, making simple jewelry, visiting grave sites of fallen acquaintances, and praying at statues of Nald and Thal. Mental Disorders: Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) Physical Illnesses/Disabilities: Minor small segments of numb nerve damage on random small segments on his body. Left or Right Brained: Right brain. Fears: Losing his loved ones, especially his brother ; Slugs & other slimy creatures ; Messing up in battle ; Being directly responsible for the deaths of others through his own negligence ; Being abandoned by all his friends and allies ; Being betrayed Self Confidence Level: Alus actively chooses to see the good in others and himself. He tries so hard to do this that it is practically an obsession; his personal code he will never break. Alus will never lose hope. He can’t lose hope.. Everyone is depending on him. Underneath it all, however, Alus is constantly terrified. He just does his best to think of the optimistic views in situations, and it often actually works for him. Vulnerabilities: His twin brother Arc ; Citizens he’s sworn to protect ; His allies ; His pets ; His acquaintances ; His Cafe ; His gut-reaction to react in absolute flustered embarrassment when aggressively flirted with ; People seeing him without his clothes - viewing the scars all over him in which he believes are grotesquely ugly.

Tagged by: @miqo-vynnie THANK !!!!!! ITS SO FLATTERING THANK ;_;<3

Tagging: I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE IF YOU’VE ALREADY DONE IT BUT @nozomikei @ladyrivienne @sacha-desyre @bookbornexiv @kohaku-son @oleandre-ffxiv @lalaliya  AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO SEES THIS IM SORRY IF I DIDNT TAG YOU ITS NOTHING PERSONAL IM JUST RLY FUCKIN STUPID AND CANT REMEMBER WHOS ACTIVE

[andsotheuniverseended]

Character headcanons: the whole mighty nein?

oh damn aight babe lets get started

Jester

1: sexuality headcanon

my girl is bisexual, no question.

2: otp

beaujes ftw, of course. i just... i feel like Jester can lean on Beau a lot, and that’s important.

3: brotp

honestly Jester has such a good relationship with the whole entire team, i cant believe how much she is the heart of the entire team. i would say my favorite dynamic is... jester and fjord. they just have some real cute moments, and they really try and support each other.

4: notp

i dont really have any notps? i mean... i cant really see her with caleb, i guess, which is a thing some people like? but im very much a chill person.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

Jester used to make little gifts for her mom, but she kind of had to make do with the things she had access to, so it was a lot of drawings and playing pranks she thinks will make her mom smile.

Also, Marion still has every single one of the drawings Jester ever gave her.

6: one way in which I relate to this character

Dick jokes.

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

hmmm... i dont get much from Jes, honestly. i would say... oh wait gods i just remembered that conversation with Beau about relationships and how theyre not like the books they read oh my poor baby Jester ishfgufkd.lg8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

cinnamon roll

Caleb

1: sexuality headcanon

i am personally real into asexual and panromantic Caleb.

2: otp

i dont particularly ship Caleb with anyone? but if i had to say... maybe with Essek? or Caduceus? but Caleb is v much the kind of person who needs solid family relationships more than romantic ones.

3: brotp

Caleb and Nott are the og, obvi.

4: notp

Caleb and Beau, for sure my dudes. they are Empire Siblings, platonic forever.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

i dont remember if its said where he got the name from but ive decided just now he got the name Caleb Widogast from a porn book. it was a minor character and he’s mostly just praying that Jester will never run into the book he took it from.

6: one way in which I relate to this character

depression and trauma, babey

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

when he was having that conversation with Beau and they were just literally talking circles around each other and not getting anywhere with it. also any time where he starts talking about how he’s a shitty person.8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

problematic fave, for suresies

Caduceus

1: sexuality headcanon

he is a big and soft and gentle gay man.

2: otp

Caduceus x peace, Caduceus x support, Caduceus x not dying ever again please

also i like Caduceus and Fjord

3: brotp

i really want Cads to connect more with the others, yknow? i feel like hes doing a lot of supporting them and not getting a lot of support. i liked that moment he had with the Gentleman, i would love if that got more time but i doubt it.

i would say... Cads and Jester? i feel like they both do that thing where they don’t lean on others as much as they could and so they should lean on each other.

4: notp

i dont think i honestly have one for Cads. i mean, him and anyone who would hurt him. dont let anyone hurt the boy. he needs protection.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

i think part of why he hasnt scried on his family is partially worry about just not being able to see them, but also partially worry that theyre fine out there. theyre fine and doing good work and they just havent come back, havent checked in on him or the Grove, and he’s just as scared to see that as he is to see that theyre not okay at all.

6: one way in which I relate to this character

low int, has trouble paying attention, big mood.

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

i... honestly cant really think of a moment? he has always done his best and i love him.8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

cinnamon roll

Nott

1: sexuality headcanon

i... i feel like. she has straight woman energy? but i dont like that so as far as im concerned she’s bisexual.

2: otp

Nott and Yeza. rhino sex potions, learning how to change and grow together, and that entire moment when they’re reunited and Yeza is just happy she’s alive no matter what she looks like.

3: brotp

listen Nott and Caleb are the og, but Nott and Jester are the detective duo and as far as im concerned, thats what matters most.

4: notp

mmmmmmmmmm idk does anyone ship nott and caduceus? thats a notp for me, i just decided that just now.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

Nott hasn’t spoken to her brothers in a very long time, and in fact actively avoids it when given the chance.

6: one way in which I relate to this character

“they turned me into everything i thought was”. always thinking of yourself as Less. and also being a gross goblin.

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

knowing she had a crush on caleb lmao not gonna lie8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

problematic fave

Beau

1: sexuality headcanon

lesbian

2: otp

BeauJes, my dudes. “i could be her beacon” was a powerful phrase. and also beauyasha is still very very good content.

3: brotp

Beau and Fjord. captain and first mate. teacher and student. i honestly think Fjord was one of the first people to really give Beau a chance to grow as a person and she grabbed it with both hands and worked so hard at it, and Fjord was there for it. 

4: notp

beau and any guy. she’s a lesbian, ya’ll. come on.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

beau doesnt like yellow because one time she had to wear a yellow dress to a party and she spilled something on it and got yelled at for the stain and she’s a bitter one who doesnt let things go so now she just doesnt wear yellow, and prefers dark colors.

cant get yelled at for stains if no one can see them!

6: one way in which I relate to this character

socially awkward! yes.

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

mmmm socially awkward, again8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

i feel. like. she cant be a cinnamon roll but shes also.   not entirely a problematic fave? more problematic fave than cinnamon roll, but not really either.

Yasha

1: sexuality headcanon

she is a Lesbian who was very much in love with her wife, as most lesbians are.

2: otp

Yasha x forgiveness, Yasha x happiness, Yasha x freedom

also beauyasha is always good. and so is yasha and jester? get yasha a blue girlfriend who will reassure her that things are okay.

3: brotp

Yasha and Molly were, obvi, amazing together. maybe its bc of them that i also want to see more of Cads and Yasha. 

i just feel like the low int bros could be fun.

4: notp

ummmm i guess. i cant see molly and yasha in a romantic way at all?

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

on yasha and zuala’s wedding day, they had to do it in secret, so they couldnt really decorate or celebrate much. but what they did do was pick flowers and put them everywhere. so that even if they couldnt show their love to their tribe, they could still be surrounded by colors and life and beauty.

6: one way in which I relate to this character

Says Dumb Things, Loves Girls So Much, Needs A Break

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

listen i am anticipating a lot of awkward apologizing and guilt and idk if this counts as second hand embarrassment but im deffo gonna be crying so8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

cinnamon roll and i will fight anyone who says otherwise

Fjord

1: sexuality headcanon

thinking about it... im real into demi Fjord. 

2: otp

Fjord x Eldritch Blaaaast

forreal tho i dont heavily ship him with anything. him and Cads are cute, tho.

3: brotp

i know i already said this for beau but really the captain first mate dynamic is so so good.

i also like him and nott. green drowning victims! bickering! also actually being ride or die for each other but like you would never tell them that!

4: notp

mmmmm him and avantika i guess

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

a lot of the reason Fjord is so good at accents is bc, as a kid, he would try and mimic other people’s voices. he thought it would get them to stop looking at him like a half-orc. it didnt work, but now he can p much copy anyone’s voice so that’s handy!

6: one way in which I relate to this character

just doesnt know whats going on, assumes someone who says wise words must be the smartest person ever, feels like deadweight if they dont have something special they can do

7: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

this is legit the hardest question for every character my dudes uhhhhh oh gods the whole thing with avantika was killer so i guess when he has to fake it but also doesnt know what the hells going on at the same time.8: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

cinnamon... roll? i mean... he did also almost unleash a many eyed eldritch snake tho......... so....

send me a character or anything really