#IM STILL TRYING TO WAKE UP FROM MY NAP BUT RO IS MAKING ME LOSE IT

[sunsmitten]

[hitchell-mope]

(Third film. At the courthouse. Bell and Adam are in “discussion” in Hartcourt’s office)

Belle: YOU BASTARD!!!!

Adam: what. What now.

Belle: you cannot take the school. I have been more then generous

Adam: I helped create it!

Belle: IT IS SIGNED IN MY NAME. And. Need I remind you. I had to twist your arm to make it coed and allow non royalty and non humans to be enrolled

Adam: schools are meant for

Belle: everyone! Boy, girls, humans, fairies, dwarves, royal, nob royalty, magic users and mortals alike.

Adam: you said for better or worse

Belle: worse meant if you gambled away our money. Not sinking back into old habits and creating a generational internment camp and becoming little more then the beast you once were

(Adam flips the coffee table in a rage and sends it hurtling into the opposite wall)

Adam: I AM NOT THE BEAST!!!! NOT ANYMORE!!!!

Belle (more calm then she should be): then why did you just throw a table across the room? Mr Hartcourt. I believe we are ready to sign the papers now

Jaques: yes yes. You know where I assume.

Adam: wait

Belle: oh what now!

(This is when “who knew” happens. After the song)

Belle: yeah. Who knew. Who knew you’d devolve into who you were when we met

Adam: you fell in love with that man

Belle: I fell in love with the man who saved me from wolves. Not the creature who threatened to starve me because I refused to dine with him. And certainly not the man who imprisoned innocent children on an island hellscape for two decades. But to you it’s all the same thing isn’t it?

(Adam doesn’t respond)

Belle: See. No answer. Let’s get these papers signed

(On the island)

Mal (on the tv): IM ENGAGED!!!! HAHAHAHA

(On a BarcaLounger a woman with electric blue hair and punk clothes wakes up. And tips over backwards)

Hades: JESUS FUCK! (She snorts and tips the right way up again). Tv rewind! Heh heh. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

(From somewhere in the abode)

Hadie (dressed in smudged eyeliner, silk robe, and hair a mess): I just got in ten minutes ago and you’re yelling oh shit. She did it

Hades: my girl did it.

Hadie: Iris is with the dwarf right?

Hades: that’s Hestia my boy

Hadie: and Icarus?

(Hades doesn’t answer)

Hadie: Oh. Well he lived a good life

Hades: your brother was 18 when he sank beneath

Hadie: I said good not long

Hades: ah yeah right. OOH! Iris needs an engagement present from dear old dad

(Her form melts from Eva Green to Jesse L Martin and starts rummaging through the mountains of detritus in the lair)

Hades: ok now where was it

Hadie: no.

Hades: no what?

Hadie: no you can’t. It could kill her. Iris could very well be the uniting force between Auradon and this trash hole. And doing anything to harm that would be stupid shortsighted and just plain fucking annoying.

Hades: how can you say all that with a hangover.

Hadie: reed root.

Hades: ohhhh. Byeeeeee

(He’s engulfed by electric blue flame)

Hadie: no. NononononoGARGH!!!! Fucking deity

(Back in Auradon. The celebration is in full swing. Doug and Evie have commandeered the dance floor. Carlos is being traumatised by Ben’s dad dancing. Jay’s trying to make “dancing in the moonlight” even louder then it currently is. Everyone’s having fun but dizzy who’s desperately trying to get to Mal, who’s giving Jane a little taster of her lady marmalade performance)

Dizzy: aunt Mal! What are you doing

Mal (abruptly standing up): nothing your mother needs to know about. Especially when your present. Jane dear drink your water

(Jane, eyes as wide as dinner plates, takes a sip of water)

Mal: now. What is it you wanted me for kid?

Dizzy: it’s Celia

Mal (the smile melts from her face): what? What’s wrong?

Dizzy: just. Just come on and help me. Please aunt Mal. Please?

Mal: of course. Yes. I will. Where is she?

Dizzy: our room. She’s in a bad way and

(Mal teleports them to Dizzy’s room then has to duck as a draw comes flying at her. Celia’s tearing the room apart growing more and more frantic with each passing second)

Celia: where is it where is it. I can’t have lost it. Please be here. Please be here. Please

Mal (tentatively): Celia? Are you ok?

Celia (thickly): go away. I don’t want you here. Go away.

Dizzy: Mal has the sceptre. She could use it to help

Celia (feeling betrayed): you brought her here. Why?

Mal (taking the heat for Dizzy): because. I have a little experience with losing things. Things that shouldn’t be lost. Magic. Books. Temper. I could help you. Only if you want to though

Celia (face crumpling): I lost it

Mal: lost what honey?

Celia: my cane. I thought I packed it. My dad made it for me. It’s like it’s like

Mal: a security blanket? Helps you sleep? Calms you down when you’re stressed?

(Celia nods tearfully)

Mal: well alright then. Dizzy could you go to the mini fridge? There should be some soda there

Dizzy: sure

Mal: now. You drink this. And take a nap. I’ll be right here with you. And then when you’re feeling better we can make a plan. Sound good?

Celia (feeling a little better): yeah

(Later. Ben poofs in looking for Mal)

Mal: what in gods name are you wearing and can you wear it more often?

Ben: jay stole my clothes and the twins think my crown has chocolate in it

Mal: why did jay steal your clothes.

Ben: bachelor party

Mal: ohhhh right. Where’s he gonna take you? A frat house manned by Homer Simpson?

Ben: I think ro Rome was mentioned.

Mal: you think it was mentioned?

Ben: double clothes change

Mal: hope you had water on hand. (Looks at his hat). Or beer.

(Ben smiles at her sheepishly. She chuckles)

Celia: what in the name of the Other Side are you wearing

Ben (barely able to stop himself from laughing): important king clothes?

Celia: looks like a burial shroud

(Bal collapse into laughter, Celia joins in right after. Jay poofs in wearing the same thing as Ben)

Mal (still laughing): now this. This works on jay.

Ben (choking on laughter): built like a Greek god

Celia: are they always like this?

Jay: sometime. Never on Saturdays though.

Celia: ah.

(Mal eventually calms down, Ben is still laughing)

Mal: what can we do you for?

Jay: well you disappeared. Then Ben disapperead. You guys are engaged. It’s a party. Have fun. Come on back down to the entrance yard. Everyone’s waiting for you.

Mal: well. Everyone should be in one place so I can tell them

Jay: tell them what?

(Two minutes, a teleportation and an announcement later)

Evie: you’re going WHERE?

Mal: the island. Celia forgot something and she needs it. So I’m going to go with her to get it

Carlos: are you absolutely sure?

Mal (cupping his face in her hands): it’s sweet that you care. But I’m sure. If it doesn’t work you (pointedly to Evie) and only you have my express permission to say “I told you so”

Carlos: I’d like that. I’d really like that

Jay: we’re coming too

Ben: seconded

Devie and Carlos: thirded

Mal: I couldn’t ask you to do that.

Evie: oh M. You’re not asking. We’re telling. Because last time you fucked off ben almost teared the steering wheel off in the limo. The he yelled at me

Dizzy: you were kind of to blame mom

Mal: hey Celia. On the way there. I’m sure Ben and Doug would love to see the cards

Celia (feeling much better now): if they’re prepared to pay up

Dizzy: you can take it out of my allowance

Doug: your allowance is half of my allowance

Dizzy: right.

Ben: I’ll pay for both of us

Celia: anyway is ok with me

Mal: lets go then

Gil: uhhhh. Can I stay here. I don’t wanna leave my boys again

Ben: sure bud

Dizzy: I’m coming with you guys

Devie: no.

Dizzy: why the hell not

Doug: because we won’t be there long

Gil: ah don’t worry Dizz. You can stay with us. Lonnie and I’ll be fencing.

Dizzy: I guess staying here won’t be so bad

Doug (sardonically): of course

Celia: I think she should come with us. She’s my best friend.

(Mal and Evie look at each other trying not to laugh)

Mal: the choice is up to Dizzy

Dizzy: I stay here

Evie: alright then. Let’s go

(Once on the island

Celia: well I just made forty bucks so I’m feeling much better

Ben: there’s plenty more where that came from

Facillier: you do know that she’ll hold you to that

Celia: DAD!

(She runs up to her dad who picks her up)

Facillier: I do hope she hadn’t caused you any trouble

Mal: no. Don’t worry. We’re just back so Celia can grab something she forgot

Celia: my cane

(The other four vks faces pale)

Carlos (venom in his voice): what

Celia: my cane. I can’t sleep without it

Mal: ok. We’re leaving. And your lucky I don’t burn this place to the ground. And you along with it. “Shadow man”

Facillier (perplexed): wait what? What are you talking about

Doug: uh doctor facillier. I um. I think my family may have got their wires crossed. Evie. Honey. Walking stick.

Evie: what. (She follows Doug’s line of sight) ohhhh. Urgh. Our bad

Celia: dad made it for me. I can’t sleep without it

Mal: right. Um. You go get it. We’ll wait right here

(Celia runs off. Leaving the others standing around awkwardly)

Ben: Doctor Facillier. I am so sorry that we thought

Facillier: please your majesty. Call me Antoine. And don’t be sorry. It’s nice to see that Auradon has done something good for the isle children. You’ll be back next Saturday I assume

Ben: of course. And you can call me Ben if you like

Facillier (dryly): ah ha. I’d rather not

Ben (seeing he’s outstayed his welcome): oookay

Carlos: hey dad. Wanna see me neat Doug at the games?

Doug: nice try C. But I’m a professional dancer

Carlos: so am I.

Ben: that means you’re evenly matched. Should be interesting. C’mon. K OK yes see who wins. Malta holidays the reward

(Elsewhere. A short-ish brunette pirate is bumbling her way to Mal jay and Evie)

Harriet (her soft voice at odds with her harsh tone): well we’ll well. Lookee what we got ‘ere. The grand high bitch as dinged to grade us with her present

Mal: oh jeez. Hello Harriet.

Harriet (belching): lizard

Mal: ew. How drunk are you woman

Harriet: ......quite

Evie: oh don’t worry. Soon all that (she gestures to the pirates face) will be covered by a death mask

Harriet: you gonna do me in like you did my bruvver?

Jay: oh dear hookette. He deserved what happened to him

Harriet: HE CANT FUCKING SWIM. HE DROWNED. HES DEAD. YOU LOT KILLED HIM. YOU KILLED EM BOTH

Mal: they tried to kill my friends and family. They tried to capsize and drown the entire student body

Harriet: who gives a fuck about them. They never cared about us. Oh but of course. Uma was right. Uma’s always right

Facillier (intervening before the situation escalates): go home Miss Hook. You’re drunk

Harriet: I’ve been drunk for a year Ant

Facillier: that is Doctor Facillier to you. Now get out. Before I throw you out.

Harriet: make me honey

Facillier: I am older than your father

Harriet: hasn’t stopped me befAAAAAAAAAAAAH

(She’s encased in shade and dragged through the floor)

Celia (eyes glowing fuchsia): you guys aren’t the only ones with magic

Evie (squeaking): EEEEEEEEEEE! What was that

Celia: that means he likes you

Mal: who?

Celia: my pet shadow. Skygge. I can keep him right?

Ben: sure

Celia: yes! Bye daddy

Facillier: bye my girl. And remember. Make sure you get your cut

Celia: already got forty bucks.

Facillier: very good girl. Make sure to write

Celia: of course

(As they’re leaving)

Facillier: lady Mal. Can we talk

Mal: sure...?

Facillier: you are in possession of very precious cargo.

Mal: we know.

Facillier: I know the king. And your sister. The genie. Your son. And Doug all know. But I want to make sure that you know. My daughter is very important to me. If anything should happen to her

Mal: it won’t

Facillier (eyes glowing fuchsia): if it should. I shall hold you personally responsible

Mal (eyes glowing emerald green): I understand your concern. And I assure you. It won’t.

Facillier: the first sign of danger you get her out. She will want to fight but you put your foot down. Do you understand Mal?

Mal: yes. I thoroughly understand. Antoine

Facillier (cracking a very wide smile): well then. Congratulations on the engagement. I’m sure you’ll make a great queen.

Mal: thank you

(At the limo)

Evie: god I love...haaaaaa-hooooow you stopped us causing a scene. I really appreciate it.

Doug (knowing what she was going to say): you’re welcome

(He gets in. Mal poofs in and throws her arm around Evie’s shoulder)

Mal: gotta tell eventually kid

Evie: when we’re ready. Old lady

Mal (smirking and secretly proud of her sister): touché

(They both get in the limo and Carlos starts driving away from the isle)