#IM SO COOKED SHES SO FINE
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HI I THINK IM GONNA DIE THANK YOU SO LUCH THIS IS EVERYTHING YT9 ME I OWE YOU MY FIRSTBORN OR SOWMTHING
hi hello can you draw the butchest della you can conjure i will owe you my Entire Life
this is such a peak request i hope i did it justice
#GOD IM GONNA DAIE#IM GONNE DIE DSO MUCH I LOVE MY WOFW#MY STUPID HOT BUTCH WIFE AND HER COOL ALIEN GF#IM GONNA DIE I LOVE DELAL IM SO FHDBRMDMWD IM#WYDHSVSJAKDBA I WANT TO EAT THIS THANK YOU SO MUCH OP#IM GONNA DIE#GRKSCBSJDBS JUST WENT TO POST THIS AMD THEN SAW HER AGAIN AND ALMOST THREW MY PHINE GOD IM SO COOKED#IM SO COOKED SHES SO FINE#IM SO IN LOBE WITH HER ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY#2am is the perfect time to wail online about my wige#woge#wofe#close eno7gh
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Mel 🔆, Viktor 🌌, and Jayce 🔥 symbolism
SUN 🔆
Mel's association with the sun is self-evident and still mostly shrouded in mystery, though her love scene with Jayce is notable, which is overlaid with starry imagery, where her silhouette and her freckled face are compared to the cosmos. The sun is also a star. It's just the star that's closest to Runeterra and has the most influence over the world.
Mel and the Hexcore are the POVs of the scene.
Hexcore and starry imagery is more strongly and consistently associated with someone else, though!
STARS 🌟 / THE COSMOS 🌌
Viktor's blue to purple pipeline is real
But seriously, the starry/swirly shapes point toward distant stars, the cosmos, a galaxy. There is no moon in Viktor's night scenes throughout the season, only stars.
Viktor's character regresses as the season goes on (blue to purple, ready to fall into Shimmer-like magenta as his corruption nears its peak).
His hubris opens him up to some kind of corruption by the Hexcore, or by whatever - or whoever - is using the Hexcore as a gateway, like what Jinx points out. Singed as his mentor plants and encourages the lie that Viktor believes, that he's better off alone and that the ends justify the means.
These perfectly ruinous circumstances lead to him getting Sky killed (Sky like sky blue, like Inspiration, lost as Viktor has lost sight of good in his pursuit of great).
In his running scene, Viktor runs not from left to right, filmspeak for progression - he runs from right to left, as though backstepping.
(And also for the Rocky Balboa reference called out in this brilliant post, but hey, I think it all works)
It's also worth laying the foundation that Viktor is a fantasy interpretation of Nikola Tesla, the Serbian-American inventor who was fascinated with electricity, radio signals, the cosmos, and [REDACTED for another post probably lol]
If you've fallen down the rabbit hole of League lore like I have, you might have picked up that peoples and warriors who are sun-worshipers are (at least anciently) tasked with hunting down and destroying Void beings, who are eldritch beings associated with the distant stars, or are Runeterrans constructed by the Void Watchers trapped between realms. The sun fights against interlopers from other dimensions or celestial bodies.
Mel and Viktor have the same ideas about risk and the nature of progress, and they are both technically foreigners living in Piltover and pursuing that progress - in two very different (but complementary) ways. They are most likely the two characters whose literal bodies are celestial, imbued with the Arcane. Their bodies are most likely augmented with magical metals.
Yet the arcane imagery that seems to accompany them respectively are diametrically opposed - Sun vs. Void, possibly. (Also, purple and yellow/gold are opposite or complement colors on the color wheel.)
Whether they wind up working together or whether they clash (as Viktor loses himself) or if it's a mix of both, I think Mel and Viktor are destined to collide in season 2.
So where does this leave Jayce?
FIRE 🔥
Fire for Jayce means more than one thing. The first thing that should come to mind is the fire of the forge. Creation and industry. The legacy and hard work of his family.
However, his FIRST imagery with fire occurs when Elora says "Speak of the devil" and Jayce is framed in flames at Mel's fundraising party.
He's similarly framed in the flames of a Molotov cocktail on the bridge between Piltover and the undercity with Viktor, after he's just called the people of the undercity dangerous.
What I think we're being shown here are Jayce's choices. He can use his talents and influence for good - creation and industry - or he can use them for destruction and oppression. A hammer can create.
A hammer can also be a weapon, a tool of destruction:
Fire can quickly burn and spread out of control.
Hey look, blue all the way to magenta in one scene!
And if you know his original League lore, the reason why his rivalry with [REDACTED] crosses the point of no return - fire and destruction. Yeah.
Jayce is interesting because his point position in the Mel-Viktor-Jayce trifecta makes it tempting to assign celestial imagery to him, too. However, adult Jayce is only present with Hexcore, star, and sun imagery when he is sharing a scene with Viktor or Mel respectively.
The show makes it a point that Mel and Viktor are the reasons he is the Man of Progress at all:
Note that Jayce in the center of his Man of Progress posters is backed by a gear (Viktor) and the sun (Mel). If Viktor had not intervened in episode 2, Jayce would be dead or disenfranchised. If Mel had not intervened in episode 3, then Jayce AND Viktor would have been kicked out of the Academy if not imprisoned or exiled, and Hextech with Jayce and Viktor at the helm would not exist.
(This is reaching, but I like to interpret that the circle + notches in the gear shape are like Viktor's star symbolism, but even if that's the big reach that I think it is, Viktor is a machinist, engineer, and techmaturgist with Artificer parents - the gear definitely represents him on a meta level)
The imagery that I believe is Jayce's and Jayce's alone is that of fire. He is terrestrial, using magic contained within tools the way he has always wanted to bring Hextech to every household, while Mel and Viktor are influenced by magic on a whole other level.
Sure would be a shame if Jayce found a reason to choose the path of destruction and be corrupted further, diverging from Mel and Viktor's core values
Sure would be a shame if Viktor's personal choices had consequences that radiated out further than season 1 and he gets put on a disastrous collision course with everything that Jayce and by extension Piltover hates and fears
Sure would be stressful for us if Arcane decided to be a Greek tragedy about it
Though possibly the most important piece of this picture is how Mel - gold like the sun, gold that doesn't tarnish or rust, gold that is an excellent conductor - has already faced the abyss and said NO to her own corruption:
It sure would be something for her to have to watch Jayce and Viktor go down a different path, huh
#arcane#mel medarda#viktor#jayce talis#Theres been a lot of interpretations of symbolism in Arcane but this is where my personal beliefs lie#I take it as matter of fact that Mel survives like Im still flabbergasted that yall think she dies but I suppose we shall see#This post needs to be broken down into like 10 different posts but it's fine weve got 11 months til season 2 to cook its fine#and like 5 of those 10 posts need to be about Jayce alone like there is a lot to unpack and I do not say that lightly#but who I actually want to write about is Mel bc the fandom assuming that shes dead has completely nuked so much#of what the Mel-Viktor-Jayce storyline is trying to say AND what the ENTIRE storyline of all of Arcane is trying to say#I swear to god I will bring the receipts#and I will corrupt you all with my Mel + Viktor agenda on the side ehehehehehe
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Pearl and Marina: "oh fuck, OH FUCK!"
💜 hope you have a nice day!
Send me a pairing and a line of dialogue and I'll write you something
"Pearlie, is everything okay in there?"
Of course the collection of explicitives were going to draw attention from her girlfriend. Pearl, dragging the frying pan off the hob and frantically fanning the thin trail of smoke away with a paper towel, forced a grin even though Marina was on the other side of a closed door. "A'course! Everything's fiiine!" Phew. She'd managed to prevent the smoke alarm from going off. That would be a real snitch. "You know you don't have to worry about me, 'Rina!" Totally not. Pearl felt her grin turn to slightly more of a grimace as she observed the contents of the pan. "I said I'd make you a totally awesome breakfast and it's going, like, so awesomely!"
Well, she supposed somehow managing to burn specifically the middle of a pancake was awesome in its own way. At least she'd managed to prevent a fire?
"... Okay." Marina, unfortunately, sounded like she did not fully believe that everything was fine. She knew Pearl was putting a lot of herself into making this birthday breakfast for her, though, and didn't want to ruin that by interfering, unless there was an absolute emergency. Which there wasn't, because Pearl had things totally under control! "Call me if you want a hand, though."
"I got things under control! No hands necessary. I mean, other than my own." Pearl waved one of them, still unseen, and almost scalded her hair with a fresh-out-of-the-frying-pan spatula. "You are going to go back to bed and wait and feel loved and appreciated."
That did bring a very adorable laugh out of her. The best sound. The confidence booster for Pearl that she could, in fact, make an extravagant breakfast, even if she was significantly worse at multitasking than Marina was. "Okay, Pearlie," she said, affection in her voice. "I know it'll be great if you're putting so much love into it."
Of course it would! Marina had done the same thing for Pearl on her own birthday earlier in the month, and it had been the best meal the little squid had ever experienced in her life. Also one of the biggest, even if that had been a measurement-conversion mistake, and Pearl had felt too stuffed to move for half the day afterwards. Knowing Marina had put so much love into doing that for her motivated her to put in every bit as much effort now. Without giving her girlfriend mild stomach cramps in the process, hopefully.
It was... a little disheartedning that the pancakes were the first thing she was messing up, in a significant way, when that was something she was used to making, but... it was fine. There were just a lot of different things for her to keep track of, and she'd stopped paying attention for a moment.
The rest of this pancake seemed done, though, even if there was a very charred patch in the middle. She could cut that part out and style it so it had Marina's '8' logo in the centre! Pearl was a genius.
With the distraction now out of the way, she could hear a hissing sound.
"... Ah, shit, the eggs."
Maybe it seemed that she struggled a little bit, to the average, uncultured-in-Pearl person. And, well, some parts were a little cold by the time she'd finished organising the four different foods she'd been cooking at the same time.
The look on Marina's face, the sparkle in her eyes, when she took the first bite, was worth every ounce of effort.
(Plus, only about ten percent of the food was totally inedible! That was a new personal record. Pearl really did a good job today, after all!)
#idea i had when this prompt was sent to me like. over a year ago and i only just now got around to writing it ghkgdf#i dont write pearlina much but theyre fun#my writing#pearl#marina#pearlina#especially pearl. ill be like im not that invested in pearl and then i write her for 5 minutes and remember she's silly and fun to write#every time i edit the draft of this the keep reading jumps somewhere else Will It Stay#also disclaimer i dont know how to cook like at all. i couldnt even think of enough breakfast foods to include in this#so if theres Breakfast Inaccuracies just look away... its fine..
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I asked my mom if I could stay home to work on her present and naturally she automatically starts saying I have weak faith and am in dangerous territory and basically I'm a godless heathen and this is exactly why I don't talk to her about my faith (or lack thereof, I guess)
#says the woman who wouldn't go to church if they guy she likes wad away#who only joined the book club because he was in it and cooked the meals for him and explicitly said she doesnt care about#any of the other guys attending. the college guys who would shower her in praise and thankfulness at cooking#but oh no. the guy she's infatuated with wouldn't say anything or thank her ever but he's the one she cares about#after he flat out rejected her a few weeks ago she decided she wasn't even going to the club#but yeah she's apparently so famous for her hospitality when she only gives a crap about the one guy and thinks everyone else can screw off#ok#i know I don't have the strongest faith but at least I'll admit it#instead of pretending im stronger in the Lord because you've seen signs from him that he's promised you this guy#but the moment he says no suddenly it's 'i don't know what God's saying I feel like he's not answering me'#ok. fine.
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rly not a fan of ppl imposing their idea of fun on me under the assumption that it's also my idea of fun
#vent cw#so my bday was a while ago already#my stepmom and my dad didnt get me anything which is fine bc i didnt really want anything#but my stepmom is now being rly pushy like 'what do u want for ur bday'#and im like not rly anything. but going out to dinner would be nice. to this place where they have this dish i like#and so instead of taking me out. she buys all of the ingredients and says 'we're gonna cook it from scratch <3 it'll be fun and then you'll#know how to make it'#and im like ok but dude i have a bunch of stuff to do for school and work and i dont have time to cook this from scratch and then do dishes#to clean up after this like. dsfkjsdkfj#like i need to wake up at 3am for work and i needed the whole day to study for a quiz and prep for a big day at work. i just#why would u ask me what i want to do for my birthday and then decide no i dont want to do that. so we'll do this instead#IM JUST REALLY BUSY AND CRANKY I DONT KNOW
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thinking about this damn text convo with my mom today still has me wanting to punch walls like 🗿
#personal#she took my car this morning & didnt respond to any of my messages & for some weird ass reason ig my dad just said#‘bad news ur car is gone’ & refused to elaborate so ofc i spent 3 hours of my morning freaking out it got STOLEN#he was probs trying to cover for her or some shit but like. she had this docs appt scheduled for MONTHS & knew i was working today + taking#someone to work… like yes i still live under ur roof but fuck me man u ALSO have ur own cars stop takong mine !!!#so damn embarrassing to tell my friend theyd have to take a lyft like i paid for it & they said it was fine but still 😭#im just in the kitchen cooking all pissed af 🙈
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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i must not quit my job. quitting my job is the income killer. quitting my job is the little-death that brings little caesar's and tap water. i will face the urge to quit my job. i will permit it to pass over me and through me. and when it has gone i will blog angrily about it and see its path. when the urge to quit my job has gone there will be nothing. only a weak resolve to suffer through one more pay period will remain
#speak friend and enter#this is fine to reblog im just gonna complain here in th tags#my sous chef bitched at me + two of my coworkers for ''not giving enough of a shit to clean properly'' which. huh????#she printed out copies of the line cook job description and gave them to us which went over about how you'd think#but please bear in mind that i was working a station that i wasn't very familiar with yesterday and nobody showed me how to clean it#so like. don't come at me for not cleaning the way you want when YOU didn't give enough of a shit to tell me how you wanted it done.#how bout them apples.#i really had to fight the urge to quit then and there bc i can only work this job for like three more weeks before i move#and i really really want to write and deliver my notice on the back of that fuckass job description paper but i know i shouldn't.#but it would be funny
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i wanted to make a post about a thing but the more i think about it the more i want to say and it's just going to end up being a big ramble essay, so instead i'll just give the thesis statement, thusly:
as the #1 Ratgrinders Apologist (self-appointed), of course they're the final boss fight to the death. i expected nothing less and the people trying to make discourse about it are ignoring the entire context of this being a Dungeons and Dragons game
#they're not playing 'discuss our traumas and and try to help strangers grow: the game'#they're playing 'murder people for getting in our way: the game'#which i know is now me being snubbing about D&D as a game but like. siobhan said it: theyve committed SO much murder#did the lunch lady in episode 2 deserve to be murdered? did the skater dwarves deserved to be murdered?#did the monsters the school sicced on the kids in their Last Stand deserve to be slaughtered like that??#its literally the name of the game!#the two things that are turning this into a bigger essay are 1) me being actually very disappointed in Burrow's End with how the players#just did not want at all to engage with the moral greyness aabria was trying to bring into the story#it was clear that was a direction she wanted to explore and i wanted to see it explored#but even OUT of characters the cast just would NOT engage or acknowledge the validity of that direction#and there was only so much aabria could do without being labeled a killjoy... because D&D often ISN'T a game for reckoning with#the justification of your character's actions! its a game for killing giant bears and saving the town from cultists!!#baked into the foundation of the game conceit is 'you are the hero and you are saving the day ergo your actions are Right and Just'#thing 2) i just listened to that WWW fireside the other day where brennan goes on about how combat does not get in the way#of story in dnd. that whole stove metaphor? and it rankled me so much lol because like aabria finally says after that:#yeah you bring your own food to the stove but when what you've got is a stove. the food you make is GOING to get cooked#combat and fighting and killing is baked into the system from its foundation. acting like D&D or even just d20 (the system)#is a resolution engine that also allows fighting and not a fighting engine that also allows other skills is. wishful thinking i think#and to bring this back to the POINT: of COURSE they're going to kill the rat grinders! because it's fun!#because thats how you resolve conflict in a combat game! straight up i honestly believe a lengthy conversation trying to win the kids over#would have been a weird energy to end the season on! it would have been a let down!#it would have been a huge tonal shift. because the tone you bring to a D&D game is 'killing this is fine actually'#and if you dont like that you /dont/ play D&D. its not a value judgment#i LOVE getting into moral implications and justifications and ive gotta tone it down when i run D&D games because it can kill the vibe#anyway. i said i wasnt going to write the whole essay and im not. but i did write most of the rant oops
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funniest thing that ever happened when we were playing botw was my sister was playing and she had made it up to the top of the tower in hyrule field (the one surrounded by guardians) and was looking down at the guardians through a slot in the like railing and i was like "you should shoot the guardian" because i thought they were out of range and so she shot the guardian in the eye with an arrow and it came alive and immediately hit link with a laser and link instantly died ragdolled and fell through the slot and miphas grace activated and my sister immediately teleported away while mipha was still doing her thing. and i was just laughing so hard.
#its just the image of link limply falling to the ground miphas ghost around him then turning into tendrils of blue light. i wish i had#filmed it. but there was no way i couldve predicted it would happen i was living in the moment#after i finish minish cap i will finish botw it has been over a year...im sorry daruk i left you hanging (when we stopped i had just entere#vah rudania)#though i might do naboris first bc . i dont want to fight thunderblight last when it has even more hp thats scary.#(weve already done vah ruta and vah medoh)#its kind funny in totk i got like all of the towers right away (although the one on mt lanayru was a struggle bc#i did not have enough cold protective stuff but i was just scaling the mountain out of pure spite)#one of the gerudo desert ones i also didnt have any heat protection so i was just trying to do the thing while link was just taking damage#anyways but in totk i got all the towers i think b4 we did any main quest stuff but then in botw#there were some towers that i just. i tried but i didnt get until i had revalis gale lol. shout out revalis gale.#anyways speaking of funny things in botw totk the other day i was playing totk and i was#i put link in a christmas outfit (dyed the rito shirt and pants and the cap of the wild red)#and made a sled to attach to my horse so link could be santa. and i was trying to make it to rito village#but the bridge on the map was smaller in real life than it looked on the map and the horse refused to walk on it but i kept trying to force#him to inch forward to try and make it across. and then my horse CLIPPED THROUGH the bridge and started FREE FALLING#and in a panic i teleported straight back to the stable and took out another horse as fast as i could. the horse was fine but i did#go to malanya and cook him some food to upgrade my horse immediately afterwards lol#botw lowkey traumatized me bc when i was playing twilight princess i did not use epona as much as i could because i was afraid of bringing#her into danger. and even though i logically knew that she cannot die in twilight princess the years of playing botw still had alarm bells#ringing. but like why do the horses have to die in botw totk...come on...#they dont even disappear the corpse just stays there to let you stew in your guilt!! like the livestock on farms and in stables#cant get hurt! so why can your horses :(
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whoever requested the wta footballer au for the tennisblr promptfest...................
#i have so many ideas.#heres the problem though im getting too in my head about it because i would want to make it 'realistic'#in terms of like who would end up where and what teams are actually good#but unfortunately a lot of the countries that are good at football dont have very high ranked tennis players...and vice versa#poland did just qualify for the euros which is their first ever major tournament!#but like rus is banned italy is ok but a hot mess czechia is just fine belarus sucks#spain is good but then i'd have to write paula and i do not want to lol#australia? but what wta aussies are there. besides saville??#brazil obviously but idk do we even pair bia with anyone. she and iga are good friends but. hm.#caro garcia fell off the face of the planet which is unhelpful so france is kind of a no go#and germany haven't had a proper good wta player i think the entire time i've been watching tennis#same with the netherlands#china was good but fell off majorly in the 2010s. only coming back more recently so idk.#maybe interesting but i dont like navarro enough to write her and tbh i cant imagine another pairing for qinwen#whos left in footy. ENGLAND? i cant ship katie with anyone she and alex are like the golden couple in my mind#and i dont know enough about emma i think to properly write her#though wait..........CANADA. hm. let me cook here.#obviously wayy glossing over the americans here but thats because the main pairings i would probably do#are blocked by 1) greece being ass and 2) not wanting to write navarro (see above)#also the fact that my brain is screaming the whole time that half of these players are too tall to logically play anything other than gk#obviously this is all so irrelevant. u bet ur ass im gonna be writing this anyway.
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I've been thinking abt my critter dupes some more and it was all fun and games until I remembered that I made Mi-ma a beeta and hm. Whoops. Uh oh. (<- Considered the implications for more than 2 seconds)
#rat rambles#oni posting#it's not Too bad. shes fine. but hoo boy. the images my mind showed me were not fun.#it's ok she just needs to keep being the farmer cook that she is and gather stuff for her fellow dupes and itll all be fine#Id provide further context but then itd become too clear what Im talking abt so how abt I dont#its ok shes ok nothing bad happens to her shes just a bit quirky thats all#and even if things did go a lil wonky it wouldnt be irreversible just a bit of an issue for a bit#shes just a silly billy who's genetic makeup is a series of contradictions and anomalies#I also have it as a thing where most of the colony see her as like a baby sister since she was the first duplicant printed after quinn left#so the dupes who were already there were like oh shit there's a new one and quinn isn't here to help them adjust we have to do a good job#in their place and make sure she feels the security they helped us feel while we built this colony together#and meanwhile mi-ma was just sitting there having the joints of an 80 year old woman and the energy of a young and spry bee#some of the younger dupes in that colony actually dont like her much because they see her as kind of spoiled#liam and leira especially constantly give her gifts and let her do things she rly shouldn't do#they eventually get better abt it when it actually starts to threaten her physical well-being but it sort of starts to swing in the other#direction after a while with leira especially being rly obsessive with making sure shes not doing anything that could cause health issues#ada has some light beef with mi-ma but she starts to turn around on her a bit once she learns abt some of the stuff shes gone through#after a lil while they get to be bug buddies who are experiencing joy and whimsy together watching paint dry or smth idk
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currently one week into a two-week stay with a terrible relative who needed help recovering from an operation and because i'm the only competent adult who was willing to do it (my dad literally lives with her but is both incompetent and unwilling) and i just. do not know how much more of this i can tolerate
she has the most TERRIBLE opinions and every morning when i sit down she'll just say something AWFUL and i have no choice but to respond because how on earth can you sit and listen to someone say something so repugnant and NOT say something. the one good thing i can say about her is that she isn't a tory but every other terrible evil little box you could tick, she probably fits it
i'm sure you're wondering, quite fairly, why i have even come here knowing this is the case. just to clarify, she has NEVER been this overtly awful before. like don't get me wrong, i knew she had some questionable opinions and i've butted heads with her about her views before but it's never been on this level. i think that now i'm an adult she feels free to go full mask off with everything and i'm like listen i'm usually in favour of unmasking but in this case can you put that shit back on, right the fuck now, preferably with superglue. and then apply said superglue to your mouth
the only reason i haven't just fucking walked out already is because my brother is coming down here on wednesday to see her for the first time since he started on testosterone, and i am genuinely concerned about how this woman will react because like. i'm sure saying she's also a transphobe will come as a shock to no one and for obvious reasons no one has told her... but when she actually sees him and hears him speak in person i feel like she's going to you know. catch on. fairly quickly. and i need to be here so i can back him up against the potential fallout and so i can get him out if things turn nasty. like it's not that i think she'd be able to DO anything, she's an old woman and she's just had surgery, but like. i'm obviously not gonna leave my brother to deal with that shit by himself
but yeah every minute i spend here is slowly crushing my soul to powder and making me feel unwell at the idea that there are real people who fucking think like this. and not only do they think it but they're willing to SAY IT and think it's a normal fucking thing to believe!!! and then when i go "what the fuck is wrong with you" and argue back she acts like there's something wrong with ME!!!! LIKE I'M THE BAD PERSON??? HUHHHHHHH???
#and this isn't even touching upon the hundreds of insane little rules she has for EVERYTHING. E V E R Y T H I N G#look im autistic. i'm cool with rules. but the sheer NUMBER OF RULES THIS WOMAN HAS ABOUT EVERY FACET OF EXISTENCE#ONE CANNOT POSSIBLY REMEMBER THEM ALL#the dishwasher has to be loaded in a certain way. if i put a single plate in the wrong place she freaks out and makes me move it#she has a fork preference which is fine and normal except that she INSISTS THAT OTHER PEOPLE ALSO ADHERE TO *HER* PREFERRED UTENSILS#like one type of fork is for dessert and one type of fork is for normal food. she didn't like the knives i picked because they're “too big”#(babe they're YOUR KNIVES) but then when i set the table she told me off because i should have used the big knife for my dad#because it's a “man's knife” SHUT UP. GENUINELY SHUT UP.#she told me to hang the clothes on the line straight so they don't get creased. okay makes sense#NO THAT'S TOO STRAIGHT. YOU'LL STRETCH THEM HANGING THEM LIKE THAT.#i even have to put the FUCKING WASHING UP BOWL IN THE SINK IN A CERTAIN DIRECTION. YOU COULD NOT MAKE THIS UP#im constantly on edge because everything i do is wrong in some way and there's just so many pointless rules to remember#like idk about you guys but if it were me. if someone had come to stay with me to help me after a surgery#and was cooking and doing the washing up and doing my errands for me. i would simply fucking say thank you?#i wouldn't be standing over them to make sure i didn't fold a fucking sock the wrong way
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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i cant believe i missed the comedic timing of updating my zeke fic for the first time in almost a year on father's day </3
#she's cooking..... its a slow SLOW cooker but she is cooking#the bob's burgers fandom isnt even like active but i want to finish thjs fic just to prove that i can#well the next chapter is already finished and the chapter after that (twelve??) is 95% done#chapter 13 should be fine to write too. i am genuinely excited to write im just so fucking bad at doing it lmao#and ive been distracted lately by other stuff#txt
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Hate trying to look to rgg characters for help when it comes to feeding myself like im too broke for fugu the economys making fast food prices go extinct and the only ones we’ve seen cook either cant dice onions or are eating rabbit stew in the mountains what the fuck am i supposed to eat now. Do any of you fuck with just eggs and rice
#snap chats#wdym i cant kiryu kazuma my way through a menu everythings awful#speaking of rabbit whenever my sister would say she wanted a pet bunny my dad would always respond ‘how do you want it cooked’#AXTUALLY FOUL it was so funny tho#anyway in a twist of fate typing this reminded me i have box curry and rice already …#trying to eat’s so hard cause if i eat too much (read: a fucking sandwich at this point) i go into intense coughing fits#so i get really apprehensive about eating cause thats just a lot to deal with alright. thats a lot of drama for a thursday#‘you should see a doctor’ in THIS economy im not paying $300 just to be told im fine if i die i die#oh wait one more bit. i love my dog#he’s so silly and stupid he follows me everywhere no matter where i go#i love him so much hes everything to me#ok im forcing myself to eat byyyye
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